1 00:00:01,369 --> 00:00:04,275 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,342 --> 00:00:07,348 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,414 --> 00:00:11,155 ♪ But where are those good old‐fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,222 --> 00:00:14,128 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,195 --> 00:00:17,669 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,736 --> 00:00:21,276 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,342 --> 00:00:22,979 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,046 --> 00:00:24,550 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,616 --> 00:00:30,193 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:39,278 --> 00:00:41,149 I won a chain saw. 11 00:00:41,215 --> 00:00:43,453 What? What are you talking about? 12 00:00:43,521 --> 00:00:44,990 Some lady up the block is giving away 13 00:00:45,057 --> 00:00:47,094 all of her husband's stuff 'cause he shot himself 14 00:00:47,161 --> 00:00:48,731 - in the face. - Oh, my God! 15 00:00:48,798 --> 00:00:50,902 I've seen that lady. He did the right thing. 16 00:00:50,969 --> 00:00:52,706 That's also how we got this couch. 17 00:00:52,772 --> 00:00:54,208 Basically everything in this house 18 00:00:54,275 --> 00:00:56,446 is Christmas suicide furniture. 19 00:00:56,513 --> 00:00:58,483 Donna, they had a bullhorn. 20 00:00:58,551 --> 00:01:01,389 I don't know why, but they had a bullhorn. 21 00:01:01,456 --> 00:01:03,460 DONNA: Cleveland, it's time for lunch. 22 00:01:03,527 --> 00:01:05,430 What do I want? Sammich! 23 00:01:05,497 --> 00:01:07,401 When do I want it? Now! 24 00:01:07,468 --> 00:01:10,808 ♪ I ain't eatin' no Lipton soup. ♪ 25 00:01:15,150 --> 00:01:18,791 So, kids, Bonnie just told me about the neatest thing. 26 00:01:18,858 --> 00:01:20,595 It's called a podcast. 27 00:01:20,662 --> 00:01:23,299 I guess it's like a‐a radio show on your phone. 28 00:01:23,366 --> 00:01:25,505 Have you heard of these? Podcasts. 29 00:01:25,571 --> 00:01:27,942 Yeah, Mom, we know what podcasts are. 30 00:01:28,009 --> 00:01:29,579 Huh. (chuckles) 31 00:01:29,646 --> 00:01:32,484 I guess these types of things take a while to reach the moms. 32 00:01:32,552 --> 00:01:34,756 I'll have to let Bonnie know. 33 00:01:44,776 --> 00:01:46,345 (dialing) 34 00:01:46,412 --> 00:01:48,517 (beep) 35 00:01:48,584 --> 00:01:50,487 BONNIE: Wow, really? 36 00:01:50,555 --> 00:01:52,559 Mom, Stewie needs his sausage cut 37 00:01:52,625 --> 00:01:53,928 and his butter spread. 38 00:01:53,994 --> 00:01:55,898 Here, let me get that for you, buddy. 39 00:01:55,965 --> 00:01:57,969 (buzzing) 40 00:01:59,371 --> 00:02:00,842 (screams) 41 00:02:07,655 --> 00:02:10,393 There you go. Eat up, little guy. 42 00:02:10,460 --> 00:02:13,199 Damn it, Peter. You ruined Stewie's chair. 43 00:02:13,266 --> 00:02:14,903 (pager vibrates) 44 00:02:14,970 --> 00:02:17,809 And Bonnie wants to know what all the noise is. 45 00:02:22,217 --> 00:02:24,155 - Amazing. - Ooh. 46 00:02:24,221 --> 00:02:26,359 - Wow, it's Willem Dafoe! - That's right. 47 00:02:26,425 --> 00:02:28,664 Since Willem Dafoe has more bones in his face 48 00:02:28,731 --> 00:02:30,701 than most people have in their entire body, 49 00:02:30,768 --> 00:02:33,306 he's perfect for carving, 'cause the angles are so sharp. 50 00:02:33,373 --> 00:02:34,441 It's beautiful, Peter. 51 00:02:34,509 --> 00:02:36,312 Yeah, I just love William Dafoe. 52 00:02:36,379 --> 00:02:37,916 It's not "William," it's "Willem." 53 00:02:37,982 --> 00:02:39,586 Yeah, that's what I said. "William." 54 00:02:39,653 --> 00:02:41,422 He was in Spider‐Man with Kristin Dunst. 55 00:02:41,489 --> 00:02:43,828 - Kirsten Dunst. - Right. Kirsten Dunce. 56 00:02:43,894 --> 00:02:46,667 - It's not "Dunce," it's "Dunst." - Yeah, Kristin Dunce. 57 00:02:46,733 --> 00:02:48,871 In the movie, she dated William Dafoe's son. 58 00:02:48,938 --> 00:02:52,077 Spell it, Joe! Spell what you are saying right now. 59 00:02:52,144 --> 00:02:53,346 Well, I'll give it a shot. 60 00:02:53,413 --> 00:02:57,856 K‐Y‐ R‐H... 61 00:02:58,958 --> 00:03:01,395 Look, there's a reason I became a cop and not a spellman. 62 00:03:01,462 --> 00:03:03,233 - A what? - A spellman. 63 00:03:03,299 --> 00:03:05,403 - "Spellman" is not a thing, Joe! - Sure it is. 64 00:03:05,470 --> 00:03:07,876 Fireman, longshoreman, spellman. 65 00:03:07,942 --> 00:03:09,345 Stop me when I'm wrong. 66 00:03:09,411 --> 00:03:11,692 - He's getting too many right. - Now I'm starting to think 67 00:03:11,750 --> 00:03:13,152 there is such a thing as a spellman. 68 00:03:13,219 --> 00:03:14,421 PETER: Hey, guys. Check it out. 69 00:03:14,488 --> 00:03:16,325 - It's Groot. - Oh, yeah. 70 00:03:16,392 --> 00:03:19,465 - From that Marble movie. - (sighs) 71 00:03:23,373 --> 00:03:24,809 What are you doing?! 72 00:03:24,876 --> 00:03:27,849 - Turn that chain saw off! - Not a chance, Lois. 73 00:03:27,916 --> 00:03:29,896 You know how hard it was to get that thing started? 74 00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:33,761 It was even worse than trying to cover anything with Saran Wrap. 75 00:03:38,871 --> 00:03:41,643 (crinkling) 76 00:03:43,413 --> 00:03:44,983 (groans) 77 00:04:00,982 --> 00:04:02,685 (sighs) 78 00:04:05,992 --> 00:04:08,029 (grunting) 79 00:04:20,253 --> 00:04:22,324 (sighs) 80 00:04:31,777 --> 00:04:33,479 (grunts) 81 00:04:35,584 --> 00:04:37,487 (groans): Oh. 82 00:05:02,738 --> 00:05:04,341 (sighs) 83 00:05:05,544 --> 00:05:08,349 (grunting) 84 00:05:20,574 --> 00:05:21,943 (sighs) Perfect. 85 00:05:22,010 --> 00:05:24,549 Can't wait to throw that out in two weeks. 86 00:05:24,616 --> 00:05:26,853 (chain saw buzzing) 87 00:05:34,168 --> 00:05:36,806 Peter! What's going on out here?! 88 00:05:36,873 --> 00:05:39,111 Oh, hey, Lois. I'm just hollowing out this tree 89 00:05:39,178 --> 00:05:40,614 for the Keebler elves to live in. 90 00:05:40,681 --> 00:05:42,417 - Awesome! - I know, right? 91 00:05:42,484 --> 00:05:44,021 Gonna get us a lifetime supply 92 00:05:44,087 --> 00:05:47,227 of fresh‐baked‐but‐still‐stale supermarket cookies. 93 00:05:47,294 --> 00:05:50,501 All right, time for a little elfin magic. 94 00:05:57,113 --> 00:06:00,220 Ow! Oh! My arm! Oh, son of a bitch! 95 00:06:00,286 --> 00:06:02,592 (wood crackling) 96 00:06:09,906 --> 00:06:12,177 - Oh, my God! - Mom, look. 97 00:06:12,244 --> 00:06:14,414 (chittering) 98 00:06:15,517 --> 00:06:18,590 Aw. Poor thing must've been living in the tree. 99 00:06:18,657 --> 00:06:20,226 (chittering) 100 00:06:20,293 --> 00:06:22,965 - And its foot seems hurt. - It's even worse than that. 101 00:06:23,032 --> 00:06:26,005 It looks like the tree landed on its parents and killed them. 102 00:06:26,071 --> 00:06:27,742 Nobody touch the smooshed squirrel bodies! 103 00:06:27,808 --> 00:06:30,514 Ooh, I got to get my camera. 104 00:06:30,581 --> 00:06:33,119 That girl is one giant red flag. 105 00:06:33,185 --> 00:06:35,791 Stewie, this squirrel needs help. 106 00:06:37,060 --> 00:06:40,133 I wonder if... m‐maybe I could take care of it. 107 00:06:40,199 --> 00:06:42,037 I don't know if you should do it on your own. 108 00:06:42,103 --> 00:06:44,542 - Could be a lot of work. - (chittering) 109 00:06:44,609 --> 00:06:46,780 Would... would you do it with me? 110 00:06:46,846 --> 00:06:48,617 Well, I‐I don't think it... 111 00:06:48,684 --> 00:06:51,155 (chittering) 112 00:06:51,221 --> 00:06:53,794 ♪ ♪ 113 00:06:55,163 --> 00:06:58,035 You know what? I think that's a marvelous idea, Chris. 114 00:06:58,102 --> 00:07:00,774 I daresay we would make outstanding parents 115 00:07:00,841 --> 00:07:03,379 - to this squirrel. - Hey there, Griffin boys. 116 00:07:03,446 --> 00:07:06,318 I saw this tree go down. Any loot in it? 117 00:07:06,385 --> 00:07:08,356 Elven treasures? 118 00:07:08,422 --> 00:07:10,360 Uh, no. 119 00:07:10,426 --> 00:07:13,032 Hey, Donna, the tree's just regular. 120 00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:15,771 DONNA: Go to work, Cleveland! 121 00:07:21,750 --> 00:07:23,820 Well, somebody's getting big and strong. 122 00:07:23,887 --> 00:07:25,657 Did you hear that one vet technician 123 00:07:25,724 --> 00:07:27,193 say our little squirrel here 124 00:07:27,260 --> 00:07:30,400 was in the 70th percentile for height and weight? 125 00:07:30,466 --> 00:07:32,404 No. Which vet tech said that? 126 00:07:32,470 --> 00:07:33,807 The one with the neck tattoo. 127 00:07:33,874 --> 00:07:36,211 - Which one with the neck tattoo? - The one we saw 128 00:07:36,278 --> 00:07:38,091 smoking in the parking lot when we were leaving. 129 00:07:38,115 --> 00:07:40,353 Again, you're gonna have to be more specific. 130 00:07:40,420 --> 00:07:42,558 The one wearing pajama bottoms as pants. 131 00:07:42,625 --> 00:07:44,862 - Sorry, I don't... - The girl one! 132 00:07:44,929 --> 00:07:47,701 Oh, yeah, with the half‐shaved head. She was nice. 133 00:07:47,768 --> 00:07:50,072 Well, I'll bet this cutie is hungry. 134 00:07:53,412 --> 00:07:54,982 Wh‐What are you doing? 135 00:07:55,049 --> 00:07:56,753 Don't film me. Film the baby. 136 00:07:56,820 --> 00:07:58,757 But you're both so cute. 137 00:07:58,824 --> 00:08:00,861 This role, it‐it suits you. 138 00:08:00,928 --> 00:08:02,798 It's like you've been waiting your whole life 139 00:08:02,865 --> 00:08:04,100 to be this person. 140 00:08:04,167 --> 00:08:05,904 Shush, you're going to make me cry. 141 00:08:05,971 --> 00:08:08,375 - (high‐pitched fart) - Aw! He made a little toot. 142 00:08:08,442 --> 00:08:12,383 That was me. It was one of my cross‐legged ones. 143 00:08:13,285 --> 00:08:16,058 I should probably stop recording. 144 00:08:20,199 --> 00:08:22,705 Well, if it's your elbow that's bothering you, 145 00:08:22,771 --> 00:08:24,842 we should start by checking your reflexes. 146 00:08:24,909 --> 00:08:26,345 ‐(shouts) ‐(screams) 147 00:08:26,411 --> 00:08:27,991 - Okay, they seem all right. - Oh, that's good. 148 00:08:28,015 --> 00:08:29,886 But you got to help me. My arm really hurts. 149 00:08:29,952 --> 00:08:32,190 It all started after I got a chain saw. 150 00:08:32,257 --> 00:08:33,660 Hmm, is that right? 151 00:08:33,727 --> 00:08:36,265 Well, it sounds to me like you may have Chain Saw Elbow. 152 00:08:36,331 --> 00:08:39,337 - "Chain Saw Elbow"? - Yes, it's all explained 153 00:08:39,404 --> 00:08:40,473 in this video. 154 00:08:40,541 --> 00:08:41,910 Hi, I'm Tommy Lee Jones. 155 00:08:41,976 --> 00:08:43,513 Congratulations on suffering 156 00:08:43,580 --> 00:08:45,918 from the coolest arm ailment there is: 157 00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:47,588 Chain Saw Elbow. 158 00:08:47,655 --> 00:08:50,426 As a celebrity dick, it's always been my passion 159 00:08:50,493 --> 00:08:52,330 to own a ranch in a low‐tax state 160 00:08:52,397 --> 00:08:54,301 that I list as my primary residence. 161 00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,739 And when I'm not pouting at awards shows, 162 00:08:56,806 --> 00:08:58,375 I'm out in the field cutting firewood 163 00:08:58,442 --> 00:09:00,479 - for a staged Instagram post. - (camera clicks) 164 00:09:00,547 --> 00:09:03,485 Sometimes I overdo it, end up with Chain Saw Elbow. 165 00:09:03,553 --> 00:09:06,024 Now here's fellow ranch owner Dennis Quaid 166 00:09:06,091 --> 00:09:08,730 to discuss the dangers of Tractor Ass. 167 00:09:08,797 --> 00:09:11,401 So, you have Tractor Ass. 168 00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:14,107 Okay, so how much synthetic opioid do you need? 169 00:09:14,174 --> 00:09:16,613 I'm trying to prescribe enough to earn a fanny pack. 170 00:09:16,679 --> 00:09:18,282 A‐Aren't there any other options? 171 00:09:18,349 --> 00:09:20,295 Well, there's a trucker hat, but those look stupid on me. 172 00:09:20,319 --> 00:09:23,292 You know, sometimes joint pain is connected to back issues. 173 00:09:23,359 --> 00:09:25,664 Have you ever had a chiropractic adjustment? 174 00:09:25,731 --> 00:09:27,066 - What's that? - It's a procedure 175 00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:29,037 where a guy who couldn't get into medical school 176 00:09:29,104 --> 00:09:31,241 - tries to rip your head off. - Does it work? 177 00:09:31,308 --> 00:09:32,377 If you believe it works. 178 00:09:32,443 --> 00:09:34,014 It's kind of like the Polar Express. 179 00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:36,318 - Let's do it! - Okay, I'll give it a shot. 180 00:09:36,385 --> 00:09:38,690 But this type of thing is usually done in strip malls 181 00:09:38,757 --> 00:09:41,161 next to a Little Caesars. 182 00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:45,771 ‐(grunting) ‐(bones crackling) 183 00:09:50,580 --> 00:09:52,083 (gasps) 184 00:09:52,918 --> 00:09:54,387 Holy crap! What happened? 185 00:09:54,454 --> 00:09:56,826 Well, I think we simply found your true height. 186 00:09:56,893 --> 00:09:59,264 Before years of poor posture and wear and tear 187 00:09:59,330 --> 00:10:01,969 - crushed your spirit and your spine. - Wow. 188 00:10:02,036 --> 00:10:04,240 Mr. Griffin, let's discuss risk factors. 189 00:10:04,307 --> 00:10:06,612 Do you lead a lifestyle that's sedentary? 190 00:10:06,679 --> 00:10:07,981 Pet Sedentary? 191 00:10:08,048 --> 00:10:09,885 I'm saying you need to strengthen your core 192 00:10:09,952 --> 00:10:11,254 and exercise regularly. 193 00:10:11,321 --> 00:10:14,294 - Is that the hat? - Stupid, right? 194 00:10:17,300 --> 00:10:19,572 I know the holidays are still months away, 195 00:10:19,638 --> 00:10:20,841 but I was just so excited 196 00:10:20,907 --> 00:10:23,011 to take our family Christmas card photo. 197 00:10:23,078 --> 00:10:26,485 (chuckles): Are you kidding? I love it. 198 00:10:26,552 --> 00:10:27,888 You know what, Chris? 199 00:10:27,955 --> 00:10:30,660 I feel like I'm ready to start trying... 200 00:10:30,727 --> 00:10:33,499 to find another squirrel. 201 00:10:33,566 --> 00:10:34,602 What? 202 00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:36,939 Nothing. I just... 203 00:10:37,006 --> 00:10:39,779 I just hit the lottery when I met you. 204 00:10:39,845 --> 00:10:41,114 Here's your photo. 205 00:10:41,181 --> 00:10:42,426 It's the only one where the squirrel 206 00:10:42,450 --> 00:10:43,887 wasn't trying to bite your hand. 207 00:10:43,953 --> 00:10:45,557 - (chuckles): Ooh! - Oh, I love it! 208 00:10:45,624 --> 00:10:47,961 - How much do we owe you? - It's fine. Just keep it. 209 00:10:48,028 --> 00:10:50,299 Sears just closed forever. 210 00:10:55,109 --> 00:10:56,813 Whoa! Peter, what happened? 211 00:10:56,879 --> 00:10:58,683 Did you tease that witch again? 212 00:10:58,750 --> 00:11:00,085 No, I got a back adjustment. 213 00:11:00,152 --> 00:11:01,923 Turns out I've been this tall all along. 214 00:11:01,989 --> 00:11:04,160 - You don't say. - Well, that's amazing. 215 00:11:04,227 --> 00:11:05,773 Why are you still wearing the same pants? 216 00:11:05,797 --> 00:11:08,503 I don't know. I only get pants at Christmas, so... 217 00:11:08,570 --> 00:11:09,972 I'll get pants at Christmas. 218 00:11:10,039 --> 00:11:12,744 - So, how is it being that tall? - It's okay, I guess. 219 00:11:12,811 --> 00:11:15,784 Although I've noticed I'm a lot more clumsy in the bedroom. 220 00:11:15,851 --> 00:11:17,621 (bed creaking) 221 00:11:17,688 --> 00:11:18,690 (lamp shatters) 222 00:11:18,756 --> 00:11:20,025 PETER: I'm so sorry. 223 00:11:20,092 --> 00:11:22,430 You two keep going. I'm gonna clean this up. 224 00:11:25,469 --> 00:11:26,839 (chittering) 225 00:11:26,906 --> 00:11:29,812 Stewie! Stewie, come quick! 226 00:11:29,879 --> 00:11:31,816 (gasps) Its first steps? 227 00:11:31,883 --> 00:11:33,385 We've got to film this! 228 00:11:33,452 --> 00:11:34,955 I know, I know! 229 00:11:35,022 --> 00:11:36,993 (chittering) 230 00:11:39,397 --> 00:11:40,667 Look at that! 231 00:11:40,734 --> 00:11:42,203 Oh, I'm going to cry! 232 00:11:42,270 --> 00:11:44,240 I've never felt this proud. 233 00:11:44,307 --> 00:11:46,679 That's going on Instagram right now. 234 00:11:46,746 --> 00:11:49,117 Totally! But we should pair it with a song 235 00:11:49,183 --> 00:11:50,987 about steps or walking. 236 00:11:51,054 --> 00:11:53,693 Oh, my God, yes. "Walking on Sunshine." 237 00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:55,029 Oh, that would sell it. 238 00:11:55,095 --> 00:11:57,133 Sell what? That we're totally cliché? 239 00:11:57,199 --> 00:11:59,972 - How about "Step by Step"? - New Kids on the Block? 240 00:12:00,039 --> 00:12:01,776 No. The Eddie Rabbitt version. 241 00:12:01,842 --> 00:12:03,546 And have people think we're 100? 242 00:12:03,613 --> 00:12:04,848 Let's do "Walking in Memphis." 243 00:12:04,915 --> 00:12:06,519 I will concede that's a good song, 244 00:12:06,585 --> 00:12:09,324 but we don't live in Memphis, so I find it confusing. 245 00:12:09,390 --> 00:12:10,961 What about "Walk Like an Egyptian"? 246 00:12:11,027 --> 00:12:12,731 Well, we don't live in Egypt either. 247 00:12:12,798 --> 00:12:15,102 Ah. Hoisted on my own petard. 248 00:12:15,169 --> 00:12:16,806 "Nobody Walks in L. A." 249 00:12:16,872 --> 00:12:18,241 Again, we do not live in L. A. 250 00:12:18,308 --> 00:12:21,448 Ooh, let's do "I Love L. A."! 251 00:12:21,515 --> 00:12:22,584 Do you know what? 252 00:12:22,651 --> 00:12:23,996 This is going to surprise you, Chris, 253 00:12:24,020 --> 00:12:25,020 but I agree with you. 254 00:12:25,055 --> 00:12:27,861 Let's use "I Love L. A." 255 00:12:27,928 --> 00:12:30,533 ♪ I love L. A. ♪ 256 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:32,971 - (laughs) It's perfect! - ♪ We love it! ♪ 257 00:12:33,038 --> 00:12:35,442 Yes, this will really tell people that... 258 00:12:35,510 --> 00:12:37,581 - (growling) - (squeaking) - ♪ I love L. A. ♪ 259 00:12:39,217 --> 00:12:41,321 ♪ We love it! ♪ 260 00:12:42,123 --> 00:12:45,062 ♪ I love L. A. ♪ 261 00:12:51,007 --> 00:12:53,145 Thank you all for coming today. 262 00:12:53,211 --> 00:12:56,619 It means a lot to Stewie and me that you would be here. 263 00:12:56,685 --> 00:12:57,788 I got this, Chris. 264 00:12:57,854 --> 00:12:59,323 Everyone, after the service, 265 00:12:59,390 --> 00:13:01,327 you are all invited to a small reception 266 00:13:01,394 --> 00:13:03,298 to honor our beloved squirrel. 267 00:13:03,365 --> 00:13:05,570 Nothing fancy. Just acorns and puddle water. 268 00:13:05,637 --> 00:13:07,574 It'll take place either on top of the fence 269 00:13:07,641 --> 00:13:08,910 or along a power line. 270 00:13:08,976 --> 00:13:10,379 But, first, please join me 271 00:13:10,446 --> 00:13:12,517 in a frozen‐in‐place moment of silence, 272 00:13:12,584 --> 00:13:15,990 followed by a manic scattering in all directions. 273 00:13:23,438 --> 00:13:25,476 (lively chatter) 274 00:13:27,213 --> 00:13:29,283 All right, the Quahog Fair. 275 00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:31,287 Hey, Peter, would you get off your phone? 276 00:13:31,354 --> 00:13:33,425 Sorry, young girls keep killing each other 277 00:13:33,492 --> 00:13:35,462 'cause they think I'm the Slender Man now. 278 00:13:35,530 --> 00:13:37,109 - (festive organ music playing) - Are‐are you... 279 00:13:37,133 --> 00:13:38,693 are you telling them to kill each other? 280 00:13:38,736 --> 00:13:40,305 It's just a goof. 281 00:13:43,145 --> 00:13:45,249 You sure you're not too tall for this? 282 00:13:45,315 --> 00:13:47,654 Nah, it's gonna be great. 283 00:13:48,623 --> 00:13:51,529 ♪ ♪ 284 00:13:51,595 --> 00:13:52,631 - Yay! - (thump) 285 00:13:52,697 --> 00:13:55,102 - MAN: Ow! Who kicked me?! - Sorry! 286 00:13:55,169 --> 00:13:57,373 - What the hell?! - PETER: My bad. 287 00:13:57,439 --> 00:14:00,112 - Ow! Who's doing that? - It's that jerk up there! 288 00:14:00,179 --> 00:14:01,682 (cackling) 289 00:14:01,749 --> 00:14:03,920 (gasps) It's Slender Man! 290 00:14:03,986 --> 00:14:05,088 Kill yourselves! 291 00:14:05,155 --> 00:14:06,491 - Peter! - Come on. 292 00:14:06,559 --> 00:14:08,061 It's just a goof. 293 00:14:08,128 --> 00:14:10,332 ♪ ♪ 294 00:14:19,551 --> 00:14:21,855 Don't you dare touch its bedroom! 295 00:14:21,922 --> 00:14:23,659 The squirrel is gone, Stewie, 296 00:14:23,726 --> 00:14:26,264 and there's nothing we can do to change that. 297 00:14:26,331 --> 00:14:28,268 Yes, thanks to you. If it weren't for you, 298 00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:30,272 our sweet baby would still be alive. 299 00:14:30,339 --> 00:14:32,109 - Me? - That's right. 300 00:14:32,176 --> 00:14:33,589 If you hadn't kept the squirrel up so late, 301 00:14:33,613 --> 00:14:35,115 none of this would have happened. 302 00:14:35,182 --> 00:14:37,419 That squirrel should have been in bed, Chris. 303 00:14:37,486 --> 00:14:39,591 It was 7:45! 304 00:14:39,658 --> 00:14:41,361 What? I'm not the one 305 00:14:41,427 --> 00:14:44,701 who just had to post the video to Instagram that very second. 306 00:14:44,768 --> 00:14:47,574 You couldn't even enjoy the moment for one damn minute 307 00:14:47,641 --> 00:14:50,312 before desperately groveling for online approval 308 00:14:50,379 --> 00:14:51,682 from aunts you never talk to 309 00:14:51,749 --> 00:14:54,253 and past coworkers you don't even like! 310 00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:56,291 Is that so? Well, if you had a newer phone, 311 00:14:56,357 --> 00:14:58,461 it wouldn't have taken so long to upload the video. 312 00:14:58,529 --> 00:15:02,236 Well, excuse me for not having a fancier phone. 313 00:15:02,303 --> 00:15:04,140 I'm only a paperboy! 314 00:15:04,206 --> 00:15:07,479 Oh, I'm well aware that you're only a paperboy. 315 00:15:09,751 --> 00:15:11,689 (grunting, chewing) 316 00:15:11,755 --> 00:15:14,260 Ah, perfect. I see you're using again. 317 00:15:14,327 --> 00:15:16,264 Oh, I wonder why. 318 00:15:16,331 --> 00:15:18,502 And don't think I didn't smell the Charleston Chew 319 00:15:18,569 --> 00:15:20,038 on your breath at the service. 320 00:15:20,105 --> 00:15:21,675 Maybe if you'd been a little sharper 321 00:15:21,742 --> 00:15:23,321 on the evening in question, we wouldn't be in this... 322 00:15:23,345 --> 00:15:25,449 I had four Skittles that night! 323 00:15:25,516 --> 00:15:26,618 That's not zero! 324 00:15:26,685 --> 00:15:28,689 You knew there was a dog in the house. 325 00:15:28,756 --> 00:15:30,760 He's practically your best friend! 326 00:15:30,827 --> 00:15:32,997 Or maybe even more than that. 327 00:15:33,064 --> 00:15:35,603 You shut your damn mouth! 328 00:15:35,670 --> 00:15:37,206 Oh, this is awful. 329 00:15:37,272 --> 00:15:41,515 Why does death seem so much easier in the Rocky movies? 330 00:15:41,582 --> 00:15:42,784 Goodbye, Mick. 331 00:15:42,851 --> 00:15:43,886 (wheels squeaking) 332 00:15:44,921 --> 00:15:47,594 Oh, wai‐‐ You're just gonna put him in a drawer? 333 00:15:47,660 --> 00:15:50,533 - What are you, like, filing him? - Yes, for tax reasons. 334 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:51,467 Jews don't die. 335 00:15:51,535 --> 00:15:53,171 They just slowly depreciate 336 00:15:53,238 --> 00:15:55,843 and then are eventually written off. 337 00:15:55,910 --> 00:15:59,116 ♪ ♪ 338 00:15:59,951 --> 00:16:01,789 What's the matter, Peter? 339 00:16:01,855 --> 00:16:03,425 I'm just sick of being tall. 340 00:16:03,491 --> 00:16:06,799 I had a hard enough time getting everything in the toilet before. 341 00:16:06,865 --> 00:16:08,769 I want my old body back. 342 00:16:08,836 --> 00:16:10,873 Well, there is a way. 343 00:16:10,940 --> 00:16:12,209 What is it? 344 00:16:12,276 --> 00:16:13,813 Lock the front door. 345 00:16:13,879 --> 00:16:15,248 (lock clicks) 346 00:16:15,315 --> 00:16:17,052 Peter, if you really want to get shorter, 347 00:16:17,119 --> 00:16:19,223 - I can berate you. - What? 348 00:16:19,290 --> 00:16:21,327 The female power to belittle is such 349 00:16:21,394 --> 00:16:24,568 that the recipient can physically shrink in stature. 350 00:16:24,634 --> 00:16:27,941 That's why husbands and wives are the same height in old age. 351 00:16:28,007 --> 00:16:30,011 Lois, berate me. 352 00:16:30,078 --> 00:16:33,652 Okay, Peter, but if I do this, I really got to do it. 353 00:16:33,719 --> 00:16:34,855 Do it. 354 00:16:34,921 --> 00:16:36,725 (inhales deeply) 355 00:16:36,792 --> 00:16:39,263 (exhales) 356 00:16:39,330 --> 00:16:41,400 For starters, you're a failure. 357 00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:42,467 ‐(bones crackle) ‐Gah! 358 00:16:42,504 --> 00:16:43,739 You didn't go to college. 359 00:16:43,806 --> 00:16:45,175 Daddy pays our mortgage. 360 00:16:45,242 --> 00:16:47,012 And you're a terrible husband and father. 361 00:16:47,079 --> 00:16:48,849 - Ouch! - Your whole life 362 00:16:48,916 --> 00:16:50,786 is a pattern of hateable noises. 363 00:16:50,853 --> 00:16:52,757 - Ooh! - The way you chew a banana 364 00:16:52,824 --> 00:16:54,661 makes it sound like it's filled with bones. 365 00:16:54,728 --> 00:16:56,798 - Ouch! - I loathe the little wheeze 366 00:16:56,865 --> 00:16:58,802 at the crest of every breath you take. 367 00:16:58,869 --> 00:17:01,542 - Yikes! - I hate the one story you tell 368 00:17:01,608 --> 00:17:05,248 at every cocktail party about almost meeting John Kerry. 369 00:17:05,315 --> 00:17:06,785 That's a good story. 370 00:17:06,852 --> 00:17:08,054 You didn't even meet him! 371 00:17:08,121 --> 00:17:09,524 ‐(bones crackle) ‐Almost. 372 00:17:09,591 --> 00:17:12,830 Your eyeglass lenses have been smudged for 19 years. 373 00:17:12,897 --> 00:17:14,233 - Aw, crap. - (bones crackle) 374 00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:15,679 Everyone hates it when you see fireworks 375 00:17:15,703 --> 00:17:17,540 and you announce, "This is the finale!" 376 00:17:17,607 --> 00:17:20,580 - Please stop. - Pink Floyd is multiple guys! 377 00:17:20,646 --> 00:17:21,380 He is? 378 00:17:21,447 --> 00:17:22,984 You're so predictable. 379 00:17:23,051 --> 00:17:24,997 I know every word that's gonna come out of your mouth 380 00:17:25,021 --> 00:17:26,758 before you even say it. 381 00:17:26,825 --> 00:17:29,163 BOTH: Balderdash. Heavens. Stop that. 382 00:17:29,229 --> 00:17:32,369 I worked for Purolator Courier before they went bankrupt. 383 00:17:32,436 --> 00:17:34,015 - Appearance. (blows raspberry) - (bones crackling) 384 00:17:34,039 --> 00:17:35,279 Intelligence. (blows raspberry) 385 00:17:35,342 --> 00:17:37,647 Penis size. (blowing raspberry) 386 00:17:37,714 --> 00:17:38,448 (bones cracking) 387 00:17:38,515 --> 00:17:40,820 And another thing...! 388 00:17:44,628 --> 00:17:47,299 Well, Lois, you are a master. 389 00:17:50,906 --> 00:17:52,744 Well, let me first start by saying 390 00:17:52,810 --> 00:17:55,482 y'all's doing your relationship a huge favor 391 00:17:55,549 --> 00:17:57,452 by coming to couples counseling. 392 00:17:57,520 --> 00:18:00,458 Now, why don't y'all start by each trying to suck up to me 393 00:18:00,526 --> 00:18:02,797 so I can choose who I'm‐a side with? 394 00:18:02,864 --> 00:18:05,168 Well, I'm Stewart, and I would love to offer you 395 00:18:05,235 --> 00:18:06,772 a freshly baked brownie. 396 00:18:06,838 --> 00:18:08,441 Mmm. Oh, my. 397 00:18:08,509 --> 00:18:11,247 Someone's already in the lead. 398 00:18:11,313 --> 00:18:14,386 I'm Chris. I'm somehow both signing the checks 399 00:18:14,453 --> 00:18:15,690 and always wrong. 400 00:18:15,756 --> 00:18:17,560 See, this is why we came. 401 00:18:17,627 --> 00:18:19,329 Right? It's this all day. 402 00:18:19,396 --> 00:18:20,833 Oh, that's right. 403 00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:23,004 I'm not allowed to mention I'm paying for this. 404 00:18:23,071 --> 00:18:24,941 It's both 100% true 405 00:18:25,008 --> 00:18:28,281 and also the worst thing anybody could possibly say. 406 00:18:28,347 --> 00:18:30,920 He had his arms crossed the whole ride here. 407 00:18:30,986 --> 00:18:32,857 Excuse me if I don't buy into 408 00:18:32,924 --> 00:18:35,462 this whole headshrinker business. 409 00:18:35,529 --> 00:18:37,600 Stewie promised he'd make healthy meals for us, 410 00:18:37,667 --> 00:18:39,971 but all he ever makes is frozen pizza. 411 00:18:40,038 --> 00:18:42,510 You said you loved pizza, especially when I make 412 00:18:42,577 --> 00:18:44,446 the ones with the crust made of "hwheat." 413 00:18:44,514 --> 00:18:45,983 He also does that. 414 00:18:46,050 --> 00:18:47,486 Oh, really? Go ahead. 415 00:18:47,553 --> 00:18:49,891 Show him those girls you follow on Instagram. 416 00:18:49,958 --> 00:18:52,062 It's all bosoms and derrieres on there. 417 00:18:52,129 --> 00:18:55,268 This is all stuff I've talked about with my life coach, Kyle. 418 00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:56,972 (chuckles): Yeah, "life coach." 419 00:18:57,038 --> 00:18:59,243 Kyle's into you and you know it. 420 00:18:59,309 --> 00:19:00,746 What...?! 421 00:19:00,813 --> 00:19:03,719 Okay. Chris, why don't you tell your side of the story 422 00:19:03,786 --> 00:19:05,856 while I share looks with Stewart that say, 423 00:19:05,923 --> 00:19:08,562 "Whoa, this is what you got to deal with?" 424 00:19:08,629 --> 00:19:11,601 (crying): This is just so hard. 425 00:19:11,668 --> 00:19:14,072 Stewie won't stop blaming me about the death, 426 00:19:14,139 --> 00:19:15,943 but it's not my fault. 427 00:19:16,010 --> 00:19:17,980 I didn't kill our squirrel. 428 00:19:18,047 --> 00:19:20,251 You know, I'm sad, too! 429 00:19:20,318 --> 00:19:22,723 - (crying) - I know. I‐I just... 430 00:19:22,790 --> 00:19:25,596 I just don't know what to do with all these feelings! 431 00:19:25,663 --> 00:19:29,838 Which is why... I suppose I've been taking them out on you. 432 00:19:29,904 --> 00:19:31,675 I'm so sorry, Chris. 433 00:19:31,741 --> 00:19:33,979 (sniffles) Me, too, Stewie. 434 00:19:34,046 --> 00:19:35,683 We can't bring our baby back, 435 00:19:35,749 --> 00:19:39,389 but we'll always have Tuesday through Friday of last week. 436 00:19:39,456 --> 00:19:40,726 Keep talking. 437 00:19:40,793 --> 00:19:42,229 I's just gonna open up this big book 438 00:19:42,295 --> 00:19:43,799 and use the time you're paying for 439 00:19:43,866 --> 00:19:46,170 to figure out when you're next available. 440 00:19:46,237 --> 00:19:50,144 It was a true pleasure parenting our squirrel with you, Chris. 441 00:19:50,211 --> 00:19:51,514 Likewise, Stewie. 442 00:19:51,581 --> 00:19:53,084 And although his life was brief, 443 00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:55,890 I'll always have very fond memories of him. 444 00:19:55,956 --> 00:19:57,292 Wait, "him"? 445 00:19:57,359 --> 00:19:58,795 It‐it was a her. 446 00:19:58,862 --> 00:20:00,465 No, it wasn't. The squirrel was a boy. 447 00:20:00,532 --> 00:20:02,335 What? That's crazy. 448 00:20:02,402 --> 00:20:04,874 - Chris, he was a boy. - How do you know? 449 00:20:04,941 --> 00:20:06,621 Well, you've got to check with your finger. 450 00:20:06,645 --> 00:20:09,316 But you really got to get it in there. 451 00:20:09,383 --> 00:20:12,022 Huh. Well, then maybe it's better 452 00:20:12,088 --> 00:20:15,495 that our baby you molested is dead. 453 00:20:21,841 --> 00:20:23,612 Ooh, fudge! 454 00:20:23,679 --> 00:20:25,516 "Don't be a grinch. 455 00:20:25,582 --> 00:20:28,622 Please return plate to G. Quagmire." 456 00:20:28,689 --> 00:20:31,761 Oh, great. So it's a gift and an errand. 457 00:20:44,921 --> 00:20:46,123 Oh. 458 00:20:46,190 --> 00:20:47,693 Oh, dear. 459 00:20:49,062 --> 00:20:51,300 (crying) 460 00:20:51,367 --> 00:20:54,707 ♪ I love L. A. ♪ 461 00:20:56,377 --> 00:20:57,947 ♪ We love it! ♪ 462 00:20:58,014 --> 00:21:00,919 PETER: All right! New pants!