1 00:00:01,368 --> 00:00:04,738 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,805 --> 00:00:07,808 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,875 --> 00:00:11,612 ♪ But where are those good old‐fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:14,615 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:17,918 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,985 --> 00:00:21,388 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:22,990 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,056 --> 00:00:24,491 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:30,163 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:34,401 --> 00:00:35,936 Everyone, I want to thank you all 11 00:00:36,003 --> 00:00:38,672 for helping us decorate for the fall dance. 12 00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:40,807 What's the theme of this dance, anyway? 13 00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:42,175 (chuckles) 14 00:00:42,242 --> 00:00:44,478 Ah, been doing this a long time, Meg. 15 00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:47,781 Literally the next thing out of my mouth. The theme is 16 00:00:47,848 --> 00:00:50,450 Climate Change: Dance like it's the End of the World. 17 00:00:50,517 --> 00:00:52,719 - We're going to... - How do we even decorate for that? 18 00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:55,622 (sighs) We're gonna pump the heat up to 92 19 00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:58,492 and fill the gym up with six inches of water. 20 00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,928 And then, you know, balloons, streamers, all that crap. 21 00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:02,496 So, thanks again. 22 00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:05,132 And if anyone needs anything, just think: 23 00:01:05,198 --> 00:01:06,800 "I'm hanging balloons. 24 00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:09,236 How could I possibly have a question?" 25 00:01:09,303 --> 00:01:10,871 - What do we even... - Meg! 26 00:01:10,938 --> 00:01:13,240 (breathes deeply) 27 00:01:13,307 --> 00:01:15,208 Thanks, guys. 28 00:01:15,275 --> 00:01:17,511 So, I'm pretty sure Bobby and I 29 00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:18,988 are finally gonna do it after the dance. 30 00:01:19,012 --> 00:01:20,681 (gasps) You're gonna have sex? 31 00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,916 I'm talking about our suicide pact. 32 00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:24,651 (laughs) Oh, my God. 33 00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:27,020 I was like, "Who is this girl?" 34 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,822 So, Meg, who are you going with? 35 00:01:28,889 --> 00:01:30,123 Eh, I'm not gonna go. 36 00:01:30,190 --> 00:01:32,125 Oh, come on, you have to. 37 00:01:32,192 --> 00:01:33,493 No one asked me. 38 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:35,195 I'm not just gonna show up alone. 39 00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:37,130 You can tag along with me and my date. 40 00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:38,465 Patty, no offense, 41 00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:40,200 but the janitor doesn't count as a date. 42 00:01:40,267 --> 00:01:42,169 Yeah, that guy's hideous. 43 00:01:42,235 --> 00:01:45,105 Yeah, maybe I won't go with him. 44 00:01:46,506 --> 00:01:48,508 (sighs) 45 00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:01,521 Why's this place so packed tonight? 46 00:02:01,588 --> 00:02:03,533 Because every night has to be some kind of gimmick now. 47 00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:06,126 - Trivia. Karaoke. Beer pong. - So cheap. 48 00:02:06,193 --> 00:02:08,629 What happened to a place where you drink beer and talk? 49 00:02:08,695 --> 00:02:10,497 It might be time to find a new bar. 50 00:02:10,564 --> 00:02:13,634 Hmm. Tonight's Magic Night. 51 00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:15,511 - Would you gentlemen... - We would be delighted 52 00:02:15,535 --> 00:02:18,071 to participate in whatever spectacle you have planned. 53 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:20,207 Great. Just to warn you ahead of time, 54 00:02:20,273 --> 00:02:23,243 my specialty is way‐too‐close‐up magic. 55 00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:25,512 - Pick a card. - PETER: I‐I can't see. 56 00:02:25,579 --> 00:02:27,390 - Don't tell me. - PETER: I‐I couldn't possibly. 57 00:02:27,414 --> 00:02:28,825 - Can you do something else? - Very well. 58 00:02:28,849 --> 00:02:32,519 Let's just say goodbye to these cards. 59 00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:34,454 (screams) Put it out! 60 00:02:34,521 --> 00:02:37,157 I have been The Great Sebastian, 61 00:02:37,224 --> 00:02:40,327 and I bid you good day. 62 00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:43,096 I think maybe the show's over. 63 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,265 Excuse me, sir? You forgot your ve... 64 00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:46,800 He's gone. 65 00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:49,536 Peter, he's eating a sandwich right in front of you. 66 00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,571 Gone. 67 00:02:51,638 --> 00:02:53,807 Well, least I got his stupid vest. 68 00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:55,342 Peter, I say this 69 00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:57,844 in the strongest heterosexual way possible, 70 00:02:57,911 --> 00:02:59,513 but it looks really good on you. 71 00:02:59,579 --> 00:03:02,249 Yeah, I say this in the least heterosexual way possible, 72 00:03:02,315 --> 00:03:03,550 but I shared an ice cream cone 73 00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:05,352 with another adult man last night. 74 00:03:05,419 --> 00:03:07,020 Huh, maybe I'll try it out for a while. 75 00:03:07,087 --> 00:03:09,790 Haven't had a new look since I turned all the boys' heads 76 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:11,625 with a buxom strut. 77 00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:13,694 ♪ ♪ 78 00:03:17,264 --> 00:03:19,433 I'm all the boys. 79 00:03:24,504 --> 00:03:27,140 Hey, hey, it's the Megalodon. 80 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:30,544 Bruce Almighty! What it look like, boy? 81 00:03:30,610 --> 00:03:33,847 So, you's not going to the big dance tonight? 82 00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:36,216 Oh. You know about that, huh? 83 00:03:36,283 --> 00:03:38,518 I heard some kids talking in the bathroom 84 00:03:38,585 --> 00:03:40,187 while I was taking a doody. 85 00:03:40,253 --> 00:03:41,621 Yeah, I... 86 00:03:41,688 --> 00:03:44,424 I‐I just didn't feel like going, I guess. 87 00:03:45,425 --> 00:03:47,127 Listen, my shift's up in a few minutes. 88 00:03:47,194 --> 00:03:50,330 Can I's interest you in half a lukewarm grilled cheese 89 00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:52,466 - and cold fries? - I'd like that. 90 00:03:52,532 --> 00:03:54,468 And maybe after, we can take edibles 91 00:03:54,534 --> 00:03:57,037 and stare at the solar system carpet. 92 00:03:57,104 --> 00:03:58,839 - Oh, for sure. - I know a spot 93 00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:01,742 where there ain't too many spills. 94 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,180 Dad, where are you going? 95 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,549 Wearing a vest means I'm a failed actor 96 00:04:09,616 --> 00:04:12,686 who teaches acting in a city that's not New York or L. A. 97 00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:15,021 All right, Shreveport Community Center. 98 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:18,458 Listen close, for I shall teach you the acting craft. 99 00:04:18,525 --> 00:04:21,661 Hey, didn't my husband chase you away from our recycling bin? 100 00:04:21,728 --> 00:04:23,063 Use that. 101 00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:24,698 ♪ ♪ 102 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:28,535 And the award for Best Actress goes to Susan Davis for 103 00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:32,539 Get Away from My Recycling Bin, You Fat, Failed Actor. 104 00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,341 ‐(applause) ‐She used it. 105 00:04:34,407 --> 00:04:37,210 (dialogue inaudible) 106 00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:39,980 Hey, stranger. Are you the new piano player? 107 00:04:40,046 --> 00:04:42,115 I'm wearing a vest, ain't I? 108 00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:43,483 (cracks knuckles) 109 00:04:43,550 --> 00:04:45,485 (playing "Music Box Dancer") 110 00:04:45,552 --> 00:04:47,621 What is this sissy music? 111 00:04:47,687 --> 00:04:50,290 It's Richard Clayderman's "Music Box Dancer." 112 00:04:50,357 --> 00:04:52,826 How are we supposed to brawl to this? 113 00:04:52,893 --> 00:04:54,327 Maybe we don't brawl today. 114 00:04:54,394 --> 00:04:57,597 Maybe we just close our eyes and smile. 115 00:05:00,233 --> 00:05:01,601 (gunshot) 116 00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:05,338 Whoa. Wh‐Where am I? 117 00:05:05,405 --> 00:05:06,706 You're a Westworld robot. 118 00:05:06,773 --> 00:05:08,909 You live in a computer‐generated simul... 119 00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:10,710 Yeah, I already don't care. 120 00:05:10,777 --> 00:05:12,946 (swing music playing) 121 00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:16,883 Dad, what are we doing at a Cherry Poppin' Daddies concert? 122 00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:18,485 Well, Chris, I'm wearing a vest. 123 00:05:18,552 --> 00:05:20,620 Figured I'd come dance with other lonely whites. 124 00:05:20,687 --> 00:05:23,190 Let me just connect my really long chain 125 00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:25,058 to my wallet and get in there. 126 00:05:25,125 --> 00:05:27,327 ♪ ♪ 127 00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:32,666 I'm tangled. I'm tangled in your wallet chains. 128 00:05:32,732 --> 00:05:36,403 Stop! S‐Somebody please tell one of the 20 people onstage 129 00:05:36,469 --> 00:05:39,339 to please stop playing. I can't feel my arms. 130 00:05:39,406 --> 00:05:42,275 One of you tattooed Betty Boop ladies, help me. 131 00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:45,245 MAN: Hi, I'm the lead singer of the Cherry Poppin' Daddies. 132 00:05:45,312 --> 00:05:46,913 My name doesn't matter. 133 00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:49,182 Please, don't wear wallet chais to our shows. Otherwise, 134 00:05:49,249 --> 00:05:51,551 you could end up with both arms ripped off like this guy. 135 00:05:51,618 --> 00:05:53,420 MAN 2: Tell them we're the band from Swingers. 136 00:05:53,486 --> 00:05:54,597 MAN: We're not the band from Swingers. 137 00:05:54,621 --> 00:05:56,356 MAN 2: We're not?! 138 00:05:56,423 --> 00:05:57,891 LOIS: Peter. 139 00:05:57,958 --> 00:05:59,192 Peter? 140 00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:01,361 Oh, Peter, thank God you're awake. 141 00:06:01,428 --> 00:06:04,364 - Wh‐What happened? - This should explain everything. 142 00:06:04,431 --> 00:06:06,466 A Farewell to Arms. 143 00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:09,436 (gasps) I fell in love with a nurse during World War I? 144 00:06:09,502 --> 00:06:12,339 No, no, just the title. It's... There's no way you've read that. 145 00:06:12,405 --> 00:06:15,342 N‐Never mind. We couldn't reattach your arms. 146 00:06:15,408 --> 00:06:18,144 - Oh, my God! - Don't worry. They'll grow back. 147 00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:19,512 Just spread the seeds on, 148 00:06:19,579 --> 00:06:21,348 keep them watered, and watch them grow. 149 00:06:21,414 --> 00:06:22,816 ♪ P‐P‐P‐Peter. ♪ 150 00:06:25,518 --> 00:06:27,420 See? They're already coming in. 151 00:06:27,487 --> 00:06:29,422 Probably not gonna be able to have sex 152 00:06:29,489 --> 00:06:31,424 for, like, a while, though, right? 153 00:06:31,491 --> 00:06:33,894 - I think it should be fine. - Oh, yay. 154 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:38,398 (laughing) Oh, what, you think I enjoy it? 155 00:06:38,465 --> 00:06:41,534 (dialogue inaudible) 156 00:06:41,601 --> 00:06:43,236 (clears throat) 157 00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:47,374 Oh, hey, y'all. I'll be outside in a minute. 158 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,142 - Who's that? - Oh, he's nobody. 159 00:06:49,209 --> 00:06:51,278 But I see that he wore my belt today. 160 00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:54,214 Listen, I'm sorry you're having problems at school. 161 00:06:54,281 --> 00:06:57,317 Aw, thanks. I've just never fit in there. 162 00:06:57,384 --> 00:06:59,286 Then I get out at the end of the day 163 00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:02,055 only to realize I don't fit in at home, either. 164 00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:03,390 Preaching to the choir, sister. 165 00:07:03,456 --> 00:07:05,759 My parents has never understood me. 166 00:07:05,825 --> 00:07:08,962 Every time I see them, it's, "When you gonna meet a woman? 167 00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:10,530 "When you gonna get married? 168 00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:13,033 "Why don't you ever wear that belt we gave you? 169 00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:14,401 Blah‐blah‐blah." 170 00:07:14,467 --> 00:07:16,303 (sighs) Meg, my friend, 171 00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:18,471 you and I's two of a kind. 172 00:07:18,538 --> 00:07:21,141 Bruce... i‐is this a date? 173 00:07:21,207 --> 00:07:24,344 Well, none of the other tables is shaking their head at us, 174 00:07:24,411 --> 00:07:26,279 but it sure feels like one. 175 00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:28,214 Well, whatever it is, 176 00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:30,016 thanks for hanging out with me tonight. 177 00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:31,584 I really needed the company. 178 00:07:31,651 --> 00:07:35,221 Oh, please. Thank you for hanging out with me. 179 00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:37,490 ♪ ♪ 180 00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:50,937 Guess who has a boyfriend! 181 00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:53,106 - Come on. - Hey, y'all. 182 00:07:53,173 --> 00:07:55,241 Uh, hi. 183 00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:57,544 Lois, can I please see you in Joe's kitchen? 184 00:07:57,610 --> 00:07:59,179 Don't you mean our kitchen? 185 00:07:59,245 --> 00:08:00,613 No, they have better snacks. 186 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:03,817 So, Meg's boyfriend. Interesting choice. 187 00:08:03,883 --> 00:08:06,519 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I know Joe has Cheez‐Its. 188 00:08:06,586 --> 00:08:08,631 I saw him eating them earlier. Where the hell are they? 189 00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:10,357 JOE: You're not gonna find them. 190 00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:12,425 I was eating a bunch of them, and I jokingly said, 191 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,527 "Bonnie, hide these." And she did. 192 00:08:14,594 --> 00:08:18,098 She hides my food so I don't get bored like a zoo polar bear. 193 00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:20,367 Good luck. They could be anywhere. 194 00:08:26,973 --> 00:08:29,809 Hey, y'all. Nice to meet youse. 195 00:08:29,876 --> 00:08:33,079 - Isn't that, like, a 50‐year‐old gay guy? - Chris! 196 00:08:33,146 --> 00:08:34,323 Yeah, Stewie, isn't Bruce gay? 197 00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:36,116 (scoffs) How should I know, man? 198 00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:37,751 I should be the one asking you that. 199 00:08:37,817 --> 00:08:39,552 - Okay. - Yeah, okay. 200 00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:42,288 (grunting) 201 00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:44,357 Bruce, don't you live on our street? 202 00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:46,159 Yeah, I'm the house on the corner. 203 00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:48,228 You know, the incongruous purple one 204 00:08:48,294 --> 00:08:49,863 with all the desert plants? 205 00:08:49,929 --> 00:08:52,932 Ah, yes, I know it well. I've left my dog's expulsions 206 00:08:52,999 --> 00:08:54,601 on your Astroturf many times. 207 00:08:54,667 --> 00:08:56,770 Welcome to our home. Put her there. 208 00:08:56,836 --> 00:08:58,204 Um, wh‐where? 209 00:08:58,271 --> 00:09:00,473 The hand, you blockhead. 210 00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:08,248 Hey, boo, we should probably get going. 211 00:09:08,314 --> 00:09:10,216 Where are you two lovebirds off to? 212 00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:12,519 The waxing place. Bruce is getting a treatment. 213 00:09:12,585 --> 00:09:14,921 I'm just getting an estimate from my team. 214 00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:17,190 Oh, gross. 215 00:09:19,959 --> 00:09:22,929 Peter, why is our daughter dating a gay man? 216 00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:24,431 Lois, I don't even pretend 217 00:09:24,497 --> 00:09:26,199 to know what's going on out there anymore. 218 00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:27,967 Meg's completely oblivious to it. 219 00:09:28,034 --> 00:09:30,303 You know, what I'd like to know is why he's doing this. 220 00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:32,105 Is it really such a bad thing, Lois? 221 00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:33,973 I mean, they're having fun with each other. 222 00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:35,608 Speaking of having fun, 223 00:09:35,675 --> 00:09:39,079 what do you say you and I do a little of the old, uh... 224 00:09:39,145 --> 00:09:40,780 Eh? 225 00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:45,151 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 226 00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:48,221 Are you okay to swim like that? 227 00:09:48,288 --> 00:09:50,223 (chuckles) Am I okay to swim? 228 00:09:50,290 --> 00:09:51,758 (shouts) I'm not. 229 00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:54,260 I can only flap about like a motorized tub toy. 230 00:09:54,327 --> 00:09:56,262 Please help me. And hurry. 231 00:09:56,329 --> 00:09:59,265 I'm about to get hit by the old retired guy doing laps. 232 00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:00,967 Quick! He can't hear me 233 00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:02,978 because there's an investment commercial playing in his head. 234 00:10:03,002 --> 00:10:05,171 COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER: What are your retirement goals? 235 00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:07,173 Swimming past a tiny‐armed fat guy 236 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,808 flailing in a public pool? 237 00:10:08,875 --> 00:10:11,411 T. Rowe Price. We've got you covered. 238 00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:15,115 Look at that guy. He did everything right. 239 00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,953 Hey, what you doing? 240 00:10:20,019 --> 00:10:23,656 I... just won a 30‐pound bag of wood chips on eBay. 241 00:10:23,723 --> 00:10:25,658 - What's up with you? - (chuckles) Listen, 242 00:10:25,725 --> 00:10:28,194 I wanted to talk to you about Bruce. 243 00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:29,395 Isn't he the best? 244 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:31,097 Uh‐huh. Yeah, he's great. 245 00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:34,934 But you haven't noticed anything different about him? 246 00:10:35,001 --> 00:10:37,737 - Like what? - Well, I‐I don't know how to talk about this, 247 00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:41,708 but here's a film my father made me watch when I was your age. 248 00:10:41,774 --> 00:10:43,510 NARRATOR: Then during lunch, 249 00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:45,879 Ralph showed him some pornographic pictures. 250 00:10:45,945 --> 00:10:47,914 Jimmy knew he shouldn't be interested, 251 00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:49,749 but, well, he was curious. 252 00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:52,018 What Jimmy didn't know was that Ralph was sick‐‐ 253 00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:55,688 a sickness that was not visible like smallpox, 254 00:10:55,755 --> 00:10:58,191 but no less dangerous and contagious‐‐ 255 00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:00,426 a sickness of the mind. 256 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:02,896 You see, Ralph was a homosexual, 257 00:11:02,962 --> 00:11:06,065 a person who demands an intimate relationship 258 00:11:06,132 --> 00:11:07,901 with members of their own sex... 259 00:11:07,967 --> 00:11:09,836 Is that Earth? 260 00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:14,140 Oh, for Pete's sake, I am 99% sure Bruce is gay. 261 00:11:14,207 --> 00:11:16,976 What? Mom, he works part‐time at Lush. 262 00:11:17,043 --> 00:11:21,214 It's him and, like, ten girls. Trust me, guy's a total P‐hound. 263 00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:22,549 Listen, I'm just trying to... 264 00:11:22,615 --> 00:11:24,117 Oh, I know what you're trying to do. 265 00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:26,119 Pathetic little Meg is happy for once, 266 00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,720 and you just can't take it. 267 00:11:27,787 --> 00:11:28,988 And I get it, okay? 268 00:11:29,055 --> 00:11:30,423 You're in a miserable marriage, 269 00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:32,859 so why would you want anyone else to be happy? 270 00:11:32,926 --> 00:11:34,327 Meg, that's ridiculous. 271 00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:36,596 Your father and I love each other very much. 272 00:11:36,663 --> 00:11:38,464 Lois, where's the first aid kit? 273 00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:41,634 I tried to put a Ellio's in the oven and I burnt my head. 274 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:44,170 - Top of the closet. - Oh, that little case? 275 00:11:44,237 --> 00:11:47,207 I've been taking that to work to look like a businessman. 276 00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:49,409 Hold the elevator. Hold the elevator. 277 00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:51,811 Sorry. 278 00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:53,746 Can someone push any button, please? 279 00:11:53,813 --> 00:11:56,683 I don't work here, I'm just being silly. 280 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:04,023 (whoops) I am throwing rocks tonight. 281 00:12:04,090 --> 00:12:05,291 Mark it, Bruce. 282 00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:07,994 Dang, Meg, you are hot tonight. 283 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,963 And you're not so bad yourself. 284 00:12:10,029 --> 00:12:11,397 (laughs nervously) 285 00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:13,299 (phone ringing, vibrating) 286 00:12:15,101 --> 00:12:17,036 Ugh. My mother is so annoying. 287 00:12:17,103 --> 00:12:19,906 She's got some kind of hair across her ass about us. 288 00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:22,675 - Oh, no. - I know. 289 00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:25,011 I told my folks about you and they lit up 290 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:27,247 - like a Christmas tree. - Really? 291 00:12:27,313 --> 00:12:29,415 You bet your sugar cookies they did. 292 00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:31,050 They's coming to town tomorrow. 293 00:12:31,117 --> 00:12:34,053 But there's something I wanted to ask you before that. 294 00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:37,357 Babe, I told you, I really don't want to sell Herbalife. 295 00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:38,825 We'll give that time, 296 00:12:38,891 --> 00:12:41,327 but this is something a little more special. 297 00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:44,497 Meg Harvey Oswald Griffin, will you... 298 00:12:44,564 --> 00:12:48,234 Hey, hi. So, I told you about ten minutes ago 299 00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:50,069 something's wrong with 14. 300 00:12:50,136 --> 00:12:51,671 Yep, somebody's working on it, sir. 301 00:12:51,738 --> 00:12:53,206 KID: Dad, what's going on? 302 00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:55,141 KID 2: This sucks. I want to go home. 303 00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:57,243 Please. My wife's out of town. 304 00:12:57,310 --> 00:13:00,446 I‐I don't know what else to do. 305 00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:03,116 You have to help me. 306 00:13:03,182 --> 00:13:06,286 You have to help me right now. 307 00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:07,854 Should just be another couple minutes. 308 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:10,056 KID 2: Dad, Tyson spilled fruit punch on me. 309 00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:11,257 KID: No, I didn't. 310 00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:13,459 KID 2: Dad! 311 00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:15,528 (sighs) 312 00:13:24,170 --> 00:13:25,805 Meg, there you are. 313 00:13:25,872 --> 00:13:28,241 - Look, I wanted to apologize and... - No need, Mom. 314 00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:30,410 Let me show you just how wrong you were. 315 00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:33,479 Bruce and I are engaged! 316 00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:35,281 - What? - PETER: Engaged? 317 00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:37,917 No daughter of mine is getting married at 18. 318 00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:40,687 I forbid it. Forbidden! 319 00:13:51,631 --> 00:13:53,599 Peter, I'm sorry, I'm just not okay 320 00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:57,036 with our daughter marrying someone who is clearly gay. 321 00:13:57,103 --> 00:13:58,671 You know, you're starting to sound 322 00:13:58,738 --> 00:14:00,406 an awful lot like your own mother. 323 00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:02,117 This isn't gonna be good for either of them. 324 00:14:02,141 --> 00:14:03,743 Lois, let me ask you something. 325 00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:06,646 What's the best‐case scenario for someone like Meg? 326 00:14:06,713 --> 00:14:10,183 Dying alone in a lighthouse? Maybe Bruce changed. 327 00:14:10,249 --> 00:14:12,085 And‐and either way, Meg's happy for once. 328 00:14:12,151 --> 00:14:13,553 I say we go with it. 329 00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:16,823 It's gonna be all right. 330 00:14:16,889 --> 00:14:18,100 No, it's not gonna be all right. 331 00:14:18,124 --> 00:14:19,301 It's never gonna be all right again 332 00:14:19,325 --> 00:14:20,485 if they go through with this. 333 00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:22,095 Peter, we got to do... 334 00:14:22,161 --> 00:14:24,273 Get a hold of yourself, woman. She's coming downstairs. 335 00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:26,632 Well, there's the bride‐to‐be. 336 00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:28,634 - Oh, hey, Mom. - Listen, Meg, 337 00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:31,070 I was hoping we could put all this behind us. 338 00:14:31,137 --> 00:14:32,739 I'd like that. 339 00:14:32,805 --> 00:14:35,742 That's better. And I'm sorry for what I said about Bruce. 340 00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:39,412 If you love him, then your father and I fully support it. 341 00:14:39,479 --> 00:14:41,447 Thanks, Mom. Speaking of which, 342 00:14:41,514 --> 00:14:43,783 I'm finally gonna meet Bruce's parents. 343 00:14:43,850 --> 00:14:45,650 Would you guys want to come to dinner with us? 344 00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:48,454 - Oh, we'd love to come. - Oh, thank you, Mom. 345 00:14:48,521 --> 00:14:51,090 Family hug. Bring it in. 346 00:14:51,157 --> 00:14:53,192 Seriously, you got to bring it in. 347 00:14:54,994 --> 00:14:58,498 Oh, Meg, I haven't seen you smile like this in a long time. 348 00:14:58,564 --> 00:15:00,967 Probably not since you were in that music video. 349 00:15:01,033 --> 00:15:06,205 ♪ Black hole sun, won't you come... ♪ 350 00:15:09,142 --> 00:15:12,845 I can't believe my little girl is getting married tomorrow. 351 00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,447 Hey, hey, everybody. 352 00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:17,784 I'd like you to meet my parents Phil and Candy Straight. 353 00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:20,420 Peter Griffin. My arms were torn off at a concert. 354 00:15:20,486 --> 00:15:24,590 So, these two lovebirds are gonna tie the knot. 355 00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:28,461 Yes, a heterosexual marriage, just like you always wanted. 356 00:15:28,528 --> 00:15:31,230 And I did, too. All of us did. 357 00:15:31,297 --> 00:15:33,132 Well, as someone who doesn't get subtext, 358 00:15:33,199 --> 00:15:35,334 I just want to say cheers. 359 00:15:35,401 --> 00:15:37,670 You know what? This calls for champagne. 360 00:15:37,737 --> 00:15:39,605 - Sir? Excuse me, sir? - (snapping softly) 361 00:15:39,672 --> 00:15:41,808 Ugh, this waiter is terrible. 362 00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:43,142 Finally. 363 00:15:43,209 --> 00:15:44,811 We would like your finest champagne 364 00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:47,747 and your longest fork and knife, please. 365 00:15:48,815 --> 00:15:50,616 So, Phil, what line of work you in? 366 00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:53,286 Ooh, what did you order? Mind? 367 00:15:55,021 --> 00:15:57,757 (church bell rings) 368 00:15:57,824 --> 00:16:00,860 I can't believe my little girl's getting married. 369 00:16:00,927 --> 00:16:02,295 You look beautiful, Meg. 370 00:16:02,361 --> 00:16:04,297 Really? You think so? 371 00:16:04,363 --> 00:16:08,134 Uh... uh‐huh. Y‐Yes. 372 00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:10,403 Five minutes, honey. 373 00:16:12,004 --> 00:16:14,540 The Shropnicks made it all the way in from Colorado. 374 00:16:14,607 --> 00:16:15,842 How about that? 375 00:16:15,908 --> 00:16:18,144 ("Canon in D" playing) 376 00:16:22,515 --> 00:16:24,750 Say hi to the Shropnicks. They came a long way. 377 00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:28,321 Hi, guys. Thank you so much for coming all this way. 378 00:16:28,387 --> 00:16:31,123 From Colorado. Where we live. 379 00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:35,561 Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today 380 00:16:35,628 --> 00:16:40,233 to celebrate the union of these two very special people 381 00:16:40,299 --> 00:16:42,635 on their very special day. 382 00:16:42,702 --> 00:16:44,804 (quietly) That's Jeffrey, Bruce's longtime boyfriend. 383 00:16:44,871 --> 00:16:47,773 The priest's voice faded out and now it'll fade back in 384 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,775 to show that he's further along in the ceremony. 385 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:52,278 PRIEST: ...and finally, Edward Zylock. 386 00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:54,547 Fallen heroes, all. 387 00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:56,082 Now, does anyone have any reason 388 00:16:56,148 --> 00:16:58,384 why these two should not be married? 389 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:05,224 ♪ ♪ 390 00:17:15,101 --> 00:17:16,602 I do. 391 00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:18,337 - (all gasping) - What? - The bride? 392 00:17:18,404 --> 00:17:20,249 Did you park on the street? I parked on the street. 393 00:17:20,273 --> 00:17:22,174 I'm sorry, I can't do this. 394 00:17:22,241 --> 00:17:24,243 I know you don't really want to marry me. 395 00:17:24,310 --> 00:17:27,313 You're only doing this to make your parents happy. 396 00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:30,149 And I know... 397 00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:34,320 Well, I‐I think I know everything. 398 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,622 What gave it away? 399 00:17:36,689 --> 00:17:38,591 When I saw you with your parents. 400 00:17:38,658 --> 00:17:40,893 You obviously just want them off your back. 401 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,528 Plus your iPhoto library 402 00:17:42,595 --> 00:17:45,031 is mostly guys' things next to Comcast remotes. 403 00:17:45,097 --> 00:17:48,668 I only meet the ones that go past the volume button. 404 00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:51,537 Someone want to tell me what the hell is going on here? 405 00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:58,511 Mom, Dad, I'm gay. 406 00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:00,212 PETER: (gasps) What? 407 00:18:00,279 --> 00:18:01,747 LOIS: Peter, you knew that. 408 00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:03,182 Is this some kind of joke? 409 00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:06,752 This ain't no joke, Daddy. I like mens. 410 00:18:06,819 --> 00:18:08,854 This feels like an episode that someone 411 00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:10,990 would get a prize for in 1994. 412 00:18:11,057 --> 00:18:14,226 Maybe we should talk about this another time, dear. 413 00:18:14,293 --> 00:18:16,462 No. I want to talk about it now. 414 00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:20,032 I'm gay, and like all gay men, it was a choice I made 415 00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:23,469 when I couldn't find a table at the high school cafeteria. 416 00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:26,839 Cork up those ink pots. We know that's not how it works. 417 00:18:26,906 --> 00:18:28,474 Everyone, thank you for coming, 418 00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:32,011 but I'm afraid there isn't going to be a wedding today. 419 00:18:32,078 --> 00:18:33,646 Oh, yes, there is. 420 00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:36,816 Jeffrey, get your pimply little ass up here. 421 00:18:38,317 --> 00:18:41,020 Jeffrey, will you marry me? 422 00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:43,723 Oh, yes. 423 00:18:46,192 --> 00:18:48,527 Come on, Shropnicks, we're leaving. 424 00:18:48,594 --> 00:18:52,632 Let's start the 21‐hour drive home. 425 00:18:52,698 --> 00:18:55,635 You‐you guys can't get married in the church. 426 00:18:55,701 --> 00:18:59,905 We don't recognize you as... well, as people. 427 00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:01,507 Ugh, fine. 428 00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:04,210 Everyone, meet us in the Walgreens parking lot 429 00:19:04,276 --> 00:19:06,746 down the street. 430 00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:09,749 Meg, sweetie, are you okay? 431 00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:12,385 You know what, Mom? I am. 432 00:19:12,451 --> 00:19:14,487 Bruce and Jeffrey love each other. 433 00:19:14,553 --> 00:19:16,489 They deserve to be happy. 434 00:19:16,555 --> 00:19:18,391 - And so do I. - Oh, Meg. 435 00:19:18,457 --> 00:19:20,493 Don't make this day about you. 436 00:19:20,559 --> 00:19:23,596 - Oh, Bruce. - Oh, Jeffrey. 437 00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:25,264 Oh... 438 00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:26,966 No, no, no, no. 439 00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:28,701 No, no, no, no, no. 440 00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:30,269 No. 441 00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:36,475 It's nice that they're doing this, 442 00:19:36,542 --> 00:19:38,110 but who's gonna marry them? 443 00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:40,446 By the power vested in me, 444 00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:43,315 I pronounce you husband and husband. 445 00:19:43,382 --> 00:19:45,351 You may kiss when you get home. 446 00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:46,819 Well, we just lost the prize. 447 00:19:49,955 --> 00:19:52,525 Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. Meg's wedding took up 448 00:19:52,591 --> 00:19:54,403 a little more time than we would have liked this week, 449 00:19:54,427 --> 00:19:55,537 so we didn't get to do everything 450 00:19:55,561 --> 00:19:57,163 we wanted to with my hands. 451 00:19:57,229 --> 00:19:59,765 So, here's a supercut of me having a little fun around town. 452 00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:02,234 We like it a lot. We hope you will, too. 453 00:20:02,301 --> 00:20:04,036 (cheering, applause) 454 00:20:04,103 --> 00:20:05,838 Go, go, go! 455 00:20:05,905 --> 00:20:08,107 ♪ ♪ 456 00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:12,611 (grunts) 457 00:20:17,817 --> 00:20:19,819 ♪ ♪ 458 00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:27,293 ("Macarena" by Los del Río playing, lyrics in Spanish) 459 00:20:33,532 --> 00:20:36,802 Come on, big money. 460 00:20:36,869 --> 00:20:38,304 Still $300. 461 00:20:38,370 --> 00:20:41,173 - Uh, how about T again? - (buzzer sounds) 462 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,409 ♪ ♪ 463 00:20:51,550 --> 00:20:52,685 Strike. 464 00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:54,787 ANNOUNCER: Strike three and he knew it.