1 00:00:01,368 --> 00:00:04,505 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,571 --> 00:00:07,774 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:11,478 ♪ But where are those good old‐fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:14,147 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,214 --> 00:00:17,818 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,885 --> 00:00:21,255 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,321 --> 00:00:22,956 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:24,491 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:30,163 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,670 ANNOUNCER: We now return to The Today Show 11 00:00:36,737 --> 00:00:38,906 with Matt Lauer sadly looking in the window. 12 00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:40,974 First up, Rachael Ray will be here 13 00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:43,544 to help us with a simple Christmas recipe. 14 00:00:43,610 --> 00:00:45,012 (muffled): Can I come back now? 15 00:00:45,078 --> 00:00:46,813 Then, Al will be in to get you ready 16 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,415 with your Christmas travel weather. 17 00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:50,117 Are you guys still sore at me? 18 00:00:50,183 --> 00:00:53,287 We also share your best tweets about family visitors. 19 00:00:53,353 --> 00:00:55,889 I thought about what I did. 20 00:00:55,956 --> 00:00:58,525 (loud thud) 21 00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:00,594 (groans) 22 00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:03,230 (bleep) (grunts) 23 00:01:03,297 --> 00:01:07,100 (bleep) (grunts) (bleep) 24 00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:10,270 (Lois grunts, pants) 25 00:01:13,173 --> 00:01:14,875 (groans, pants) 26 00:01:14,942 --> 00:01:16,610 That looks heavy. 27 00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:19,513 Well, dragging a bin full of decorations down the stairs 28 00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:21,281 while repeatedly yelling (bleep) 29 00:01:21,348 --> 00:01:23,984 in front of my children means only one thing. 30 00:01:24,051 --> 00:01:26,620 It's Christmas time. 31 00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:28,555 Yeah, Lois, I knew it was Christmas a week ago 32 00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:31,825 when the "O" in the PornHub logo became a wreath. 33 00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:33,393 - Same. - Nice. 34 00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:35,004 Listen, there's a lot of work to be done 35 00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:37,764 to make this place look festive, and unlike most years, 36 00:01:37,831 --> 00:01:40,500 where I do everything, this year I want you all 37 00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:42,235 to help with the Christmas chores. 38 00:01:42,302 --> 00:01:43,846 Come on, Lois. You know the deal around here. 39 00:01:43,870 --> 00:01:46,873 We split everything zero‐100, like most couples. 40 00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:48,542 And I also have another request. 41 00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:50,277 I'd like to finally get a present 42 00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:52,245 from the heart this year. 43 00:01:52,312 --> 00:01:54,147 Not just some defective clothing item 44 00:01:54,214 --> 00:01:56,183 Peter got on clearance at Marshalls. 45 00:01:56,249 --> 00:01:58,418 But you love The Roling Stons. 46 00:01:58,485 --> 00:02:00,229 Now, to make sure you don't forget your chores, 47 00:02:00,253 --> 00:02:01,722 I've made you each a list. 48 00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:04,391 And I want all of these completed by tomorrow. 49 00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:07,361 Sorry. I can't do chores. My trick elbow is acting up. 50 00:02:07,427 --> 00:02:10,130 - Is that your card? - No. 51 00:02:10,197 --> 00:02:12,766 Oh, boy, it's worse than I thought. 52 00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:21,742 Why are we doing our Christmas shopping at the strip mall? 53 00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:23,777 'Cause we ran out of gas out front. 54 00:02:23,844 --> 00:02:25,946 You got to get that gas gauge fixed. 55 00:02:26,013 --> 00:02:28,015 Look, Chris, did you want the gas gauge fixed, 56 00:02:28,081 --> 00:02:29,583 or did you want a year of Quibi? 57 00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,418 The gas gauge. 58 00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:33,687 I'm sure we can find everything on Mom's list here. 59 00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:35,422 It doesn't look so bad. 60 00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:39,693 If this place doesn't have Baby Yoda toys, I swear to God... 61 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:42,562 I'll probably buy something with Spider‐Man on it. 62 00:02:42,629 --> 00:02:45,098 Okay, guys, now before you can shop at a strip mall, 63 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:47,100 you have to use the free‐standing ATM 64 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,635 that's chained to a pole 65 00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:51,271 and not affiliated with any known bank. 66 00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:55,842 Good. It's taking an extra‐long time 67 00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:58,178 to read the card and probably stealing the number. 68 00:02:58,245 --> 00:03:01,982 Select "yes" to pay $15 fee. No brainer. 69 00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:03,489 Perfect. Now I can't read the screen, 70 00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,218 'cause the glare is so bad. 71 00:03:05,285 --> 00:03:06,953 And it's not giving me my card back. 72 00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:08,955 ‐(phone ringing) ‐Hello? 73 00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,524 Yes, this is Peter Griffin. 74 00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:12,759 Not anymore? Well, thanks for telling me. 75 00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:15,529 Look, there's a card and nice paper store. 76 00:03:15,595 --> 00:03:19,366 Let's go walk around it slowly and let out tiny farts. 77 00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:21,968 - (door bells tinkle) - (soft instrumental music plays) 78 00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:24,705 Hmm. Nice, thick card stock. 79 00:03:24,771 --> 00:03:25,839 (squeaky gas expulsion) 80 00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:27,974 Ah, yes, that's a very bright white. 81 00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:29,976 (squeaky gas expulsion) 82 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,478 Ooh, Century Gothic font. 83 00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:32,813 (loud, rumbling, gas expulsion) 84 00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:36,650 Miss, this store is for tiny farts only. 85 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:40,153 There's a Lids next door for that sort of thing. 86 00:03:42,289 --> 00:03:44,858 Welcome to the strip mall H&R Block. 87 00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:46,393 Yes, I'd like to do my taxes. 88 00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:49,229 - How much does H charge? - $59. 89 00:03:49,296 --> 00:03:51,098 Hmm. How much does R charge? 90 00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:52,899 $59. 91 00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:56,837 Does R know H has a side thing going with M? H&M? 92 00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:58,572 I don't know what you're talking about. 93 00:03:58,638 --> 00:04:00,507 Is H back from lunch yet? 94 00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:03,043 Sorry. He said he was held up with a client. 95 00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:06,313 You were with M again, weren't you?! 96 00:04:06,379 --> 00:04:07,781 What? No, I wasn't. 97 00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:09,983 Then why are you wearing a designer‐looking shirt 98 00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:11,485 at a fraction of the cost? 99 00:04:11,551 --> 00:04:13,320 Maybe I wanted to get caught. 100 00:04:13,386 --> 00:04:16,223 I told you what I'd do if I ever caught you cheating. 101 00:04:16,289 --> 00:04:18,391 This is on you! 102 00:04:19,626 --> 00:04:22,529 Why?! Why?! 103 00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:24,598 What's up? I was just taking a pee. 104 00:04:24,664 --> 00:04:25,932 Someone call? 105 00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:29,503 Sometimes they let me write my own skits. 106 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,407 ANNOUNCER: We now return to CBS This Morning 107 00:04:34,474 --> 00:04:37,644 with Charlie Rose sadly pressed against the window. 108 00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:39,913 Coming up this morning, Christmas came early 109 00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:43,283 for a group of first graders in South Bend, Indiana. 110 00:04:43,350 --> 00:04:45,986 (muffled): You guys still cross with me? 111 00:04:46,052 --> 00:04:49,256 Hey, how was the big day of shop... 112 00:04:49,322 --> 00:04:52,125 (sighs) Wait. Where's all the Christmas stuff? 113 00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:54,094 Ah, yeah. About that... 114 00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:55,529 I can't believe this. 115 00:04:55,595 --> 00:04:57,497 Brian, where's Stewie's Elf on the Shelf? 116 00:04:57,564 --> 00:05:00,367 Meg, where's the twinkling lights I asked for? 117 00:05:00,433 --> 00:05:01,802 Peter, where's the Christmas tree? 118 00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:03,270 We don't even have a tree. 119 00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:05,014 I'm sorry, Lois. I got it all under control. 120 00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:07,707 Don't you worry about a thing. I'll be right back. 121 00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:11,945 ♪ ♪ 122 00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:14,347 (wind whistling) 123 00:05:14,414 --> 00:05:17,117 (gasps) Peter, you did get a tree. 124 00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:18,985 Oh, it's beautiful. 125 00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:23,223 I sure did, Lois, because I love you and I love this family. 126 00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:24,925 Oh, Peter. 127 00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,861 Peter. Peter. 128 00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:29,863 Peter. Peter?! 129 00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:32,499 Peter Griffin, what the hell is going on here? 130 00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:34,634 Huh? Huh? What? Oh, yeah. 131 00:05:34,701 --> 00:05:36,770 I was gonna go get all the Christmas stuff, 132 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,638 but then I fell asleep rubbin' one out 133 00:05:38,705 --> 00:05:40,907 to Madonna's "Santa Baby" in the car. 134 00:05:40,974 --> 00:05:42,976 By the way, tonight's date night is cancelled 135 00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:44,544 due to lack of interest. 136 00:05:44,611 --> 00:05:47,080 Peter, you were all supposed to take the weight 137 00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:50,584 of the holidays off my shoulders for once, and you failed. 138 00:05:50,650 --> 00:05:51,918 You all failed. 139 00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:54,120 Brian, you're supposed to be responsible. 140 00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:56,256 Bad dog. Bad. 141 00:05:56,323 --> 00:05:57,791 (whimpering) 142 00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:01,661 Damn it. And who got candy cane all over the couch? 143 00:06:01,728 --> 00:06:03,330 (whimpering) 144 00:06:03,396 --> 00:06:05,065 You know what? I've had it. 145 00:06:05,131 --> 00:06:08,201 Every year, my cousin asks me to come to Cabo for Christmas. 146 00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:09,736 Well, this year, I'm going. 147 00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:11,471 You're all gonna see how hard it is 148 00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,473 to make Christmas happen around here without me. 149 00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:16,843 I am packing my bags, and I'm out of here. 150 00:06:16,910 --> 00:06:18,378 You're getting divorced? 151 00:06:18,445 --> 00:06:20,080 No, I'm just leaving for a few days 152 00:06:20,146 --> 00:06:21,715 and ruining their Christmas. 153 00:06:21,781 --> 00:06:23,483 You're ruining Christmas 154 00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:25,986 by suing the city over holiday decorations? 155 00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:28,788 No, I'm just leaving my family for the holidays. 156 00:06:28,855 --> 00:06:31,091 You're doing deaf jokes? 157 00:06:31,157 --> 00:06:33,526 No. No one's doing deaf jokes. 158 00:06:33,593 --> 00:06:36,730 Well, I can't hear, so I don't know. 159 00:06:36,796 --> 00:06:38,498 She's not doing them. 160 00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:40,367 - What? - I don't know. 161 00:06:40,433 --> 00:06:42,469 I think we... I think... 162 00:06:42,535 --> 00:06:45,605 I think we are doing deaf jokes at this point. 163 00:06:51,177 --> 00:06:53,980 I can't believe Mom went to Cabo 164 00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:55,815 and left us alone for Christmas. 165 00:06:55,882 --> 00:06:57,384 What are we gonna do? 166 00:06:57,450 --> 00:06:59,161 Well, I'll tell you the first thing we're gonna do. 167 00:06:59,185 --> 00:07:02,222 We're gonna delete all of her pretentious crap off the DVR. 168 00:07:02,289 --> 00:07:04,724 I want to be the one to delete The Crown. 169 00:07:04,791 --> 00:07:07,894 She never watched them. She just had 'em. 170 00:07:07,961 --> 00:07:09,195 Do it, son. 171 00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:11,331 Well, well, well, The Crown. 172 00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:12,933 How the tables have turned. 173 00:07:12,999 --> 00:07:14,467 Remember this face? 174 00:07:14,534 --> 00:07:16,369 The one that wanted to watch Modern Family? 175 00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:19,005 Well, payback's a bitch. Delete! 176 00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:22,575 "Are you sure you want to delete The Crown?" Yes. 177 00:07:22,642 --> 00:07:25,879 "Do you understand that it's really good?" Yes! 178 00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:29,749 "Are you sure? It will impress your friends." Accept. 179 00:07:29,816 --> 00:07:32,652 "You understand that we change the cast every season." 180 00:07:32,719 --> 00:07:34,354 Acknowledge. 181 00:07:34,421 --> 00:07:37,390 "Come on. It's The Crown. It's history." Don't care. 182 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,826 "You are not allowed to delete The Crown." 183 00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:41,828 (yelling) 184 00:07:41,895 --> 00:07:44,030 (groaning) 185 00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:46,366 BRITISH TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to The Crown. 186 00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:48,368 (woman mumbling in British accent) 187 00:07:48,435 --> 00:07:51,371 (man mumbling in British accent) 188 00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:53,239 I actually kind of love it. 189 00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:54,874 Ah, me, too. 190 00:07:54,941 --> 00:07:57,677 It's 'cause I'm trash, and I love how fancy it is. 191 00:07:57,744 --> 00:07:59,746 Dad, this doesn't help with Christmas. 192 00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:02,182 Yeah, we're screwed. Who's gonna decorate? 193 00:08:02,248 --> 00:08:04,084 Who's gonna cook Christmas dinner? 194 00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:05,952 Okay, calm down. Now, I know your mom's gone, 195 00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:08,822 and we're a little worried, but Daddy's got a plan. 196 00:08:08,888 --> 00:08:11,725 All right, everybody, go outside and kneel face‐first 197 00:08:11,791 --> 00:08:14,194 in front of Daddy's big pre‐dug hole. 198 00:08:14,260 --> 00:08:15,895 Come on, Peter. We can do this. 199 00:08:15,962 --> 00:08:17,330 All right, Plan B. 200 00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:19,766 I take two pills I got after my root canal 201 00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,034 and listen to records. 202 00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:24,304 (smooth jazz playing) 203 00:08:24,371 --> 00:08:27,107 It's been four days. 204 00:08:34,881 --> 00:08:37,617 Huh. Not too bad. 205 00:08:47,293 --> 00:08:49,929 First of all, these are really good binoculars. 206 00:08:49,996 --> 00:08:51,898 Second, this was a great plan. 207 00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:56,369 Watching the family fall apart without me is better than Cabo. 208 00:08:56,436 --> 00:08:58,071 Ah. Look at them. 209 00:08:58,138 --> 00:08:59,739 I'll get a phone call any minute 210 00:08:59,806 --> 00:09:02,308 begging me to come back and save Christmas. 211 00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:06,679 But in the meantime, it's time for a little relaxation. 212 00:09:06,746 --> 00:09:08,681 MOTEL TV ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Quahog Motel, 213 00:09:08,748 --> 00:09:10,683 the winner of Tripadvisor's award for 214 00:09:10,750 --> 00:09:13,953 "Best In‐Room Stationery to Write Your Suicide Note On". 215 00:09:14,020 --> 00:09:15,989 Yeah, this is gonna work. 216 00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:20,493 Now all I have to do is lie here and wait, like a cobra. 217 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,463 - Cobra? Party of one? - Yes, that's me. 218 00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:25,374 And would you like me to bring your drink from the bar? 219 00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:28,501 Uh, yes. I have no hands? 220 00:09:32,672 --> 00:09:36,876 All right, time to put up the 2020 Christmas decorations. 221 00:09:36,943 --> 00:09:39,746 First, ethnically‐accurate Jesus goes right here 222 00:09:39,813 --> 00:09:42,248 next to Father Mary and Mother Josephine, 223 00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:44,818 followed closely by the three genderless Wise People 224 00:09:44,884 --> 00:09:46,219 on their Bird Scooters, 225 00:09:46,286 --> 00:09:47,620 Tig Notaro for some reason, 226 00:09:47,687 --> 00:09:49,622 and of course, the Little Drummer Them. 227 00:09:49,689 --> 00:09:52,358 Because God forbid we call a boy a boy. 228 00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,770 - Dad, what are you say... - I don't like what the world is! 229 00:09:54,794 --> 00:09:57,097 I'm white! When's it gonna be our turn?! 230 00:09:57,163 --> 00:09:58,865 Peter, relax. 231 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,233 How am I supposed to relax? 232 00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:01,968 Christmas is tomorrow, and that woman 233 00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:03,503 who normally does everything had 234 00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:05,014 to go help her sick aunt or something. 235 00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:06,339 - You mean Lois? - I don't know. 236 00:10:06,406 --> 00:10:07,907 The redhead with the voice. 237 00:10:07,974 --> 00:10:10,643 She usually hangs up these stupid Christmas lights. 238 00:10:10,710 --> 00:10:12,512 And these stupid Christmas wreaths. 239 00:10:12,579 --> 00:10:16,116 And the white wire reindeers that look like ghosts. 240 00:10:16,182 --> 00:10:17,717 Dad, look. 241 00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:19,819 (angelic singing) 242 00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:26,392 Oh, my God, it's perfect. 243 00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:27,760 ‐(phone ringing) ‐Hello? 244 00:10:27,827 --> 00:10:29,596 QUAGMIRE: Yeah, Merry Christmas. 245 00:10:29,662 --> 00:10:31,273 Um, listen, Peter, can you turn down those lights? 246 00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:33,366 I'm in bed with a three, and, um, 247 00:10:33,433 --> 00:10:36,503 extra light is not her friend. 248 00:10:40,373 --> 00:10:43,810 Oh, my God. Stewie doesn't have a jacket on, 249 00:10:43,877 --> 00:10:46,179 but other than that, Peter's done it. 250 00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:48,414 (giggling) 251 00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:50,250 Yeah. Oh, you're gonna get it. 252 00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:52,285 You like it rough, don't ya? 253 00:10:52,352 --> 00:10:53,987 Oops, wrong room. 254 00:10:54,053 --> 00:10:57,290 Sorry. We're excited. My wife just killed herself. 255 00:10:57,357 --> 00:11:00,560 ♪ ♪ 256 00:11:00,627 --> 00:11:05,198 (instrumental "Deck the Halls" plays) 257 00:11:41,668 --> 00:11:43,069 What the hell? 258 00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:45,772 They've never had a front yard family snowball fight 259 00:11:45,838 --> 00:11:47,707 when I was there. 260 00:11:47,774 --> 00:11:49,776 Oh, and now the local news is there. 261 00:11:49,842 --> 00:11:51,945 Hello. I'm Tom Tucker. This just in. 262 00:11:52,011 --> 00:11:56,282 Husband does what wife normally does, comma, makes headlines. 263 00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:58,751 Come on. You can't be... 264 00:11:58,818 --> 00:12:00,420 Oh, look at Quagmire 265 00:12:00,486 --> 00:12:02,355 trying to sneak that three out of his house. 266 00:12:05,658 --> 00:12:07,327 (sighs) 267 00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:09,762 Now they're standing hand‐in‐hand? 268 00:12:09,829 --> 00:12:12,098 It's like they've never been happier. 269 00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:14,200 Wait. What's Peter saying? 270 00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:16,236 (distorted, slowly): I... 271 00:12:16,302 --> 00:12:20,773 love... you. 272 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:22,775 (gasps) They better not say it back 273 00:12:22,842 --> 00:12:26,813 also in distorted slow‐motion to emphasize my horror. 274 00:12:26,879 --> 00:12:30,984 ALL (distorted, slowly): I... love... you... 275 00:12:31,050 --> 00:12:33,987 too... Dad. 276 00:12:34,053 --> 00:12:35,855 That's it. 277 00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:37,390 There's only one thing to do. 278 00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:39,959 I must put an end to this whole thing. 279 00:12:40,026 --> 00:12:42,996 I must stop Christmas. 280 00:12:43,062 --> 00:12:44,897 (distant gas expulsion) 281 00:12:44,964 --> 00:12:47,700 Hey, what do you think this is‐‐ a Lids? 282 00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,836 ANNOUNCER: Lids: come get a camouflage Knicks hat 283 00:12:49,902 --> 00:12:51,271 and let one rip. 284 00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:52,839 Find us in the corner of the mall 285 00:12:52,905 --> 00:12:55,708 where all the lights are going on and off. 286 00:13:03,182 --> 00:13:04,450 Thanks for the ride. 287 00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:06,486 And your unsolicited racial theories. 288 00:13:06,552 --> 00:13:10,990 I'm telling you: is the Turks, every time. 289 00:13:11,057 --> 00:13:14,527 - Merry Christmas. - (speaking native language) 290 00:13:24,270 --> 00:13:26,806 And now, to ruin Christmas. 291 00:13:26,873 --> 00:13:28,274 (gasps) 292 00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:31,277 Who left all these dirty dishes out? 293 00:13:32,278 --> 00:13:33,780 Okay, much better. 294 00:13:33,846 --> 00:13:37,283 I'm not even gonna think about the grocery situation. 295 00:13:40,186 --> 00:13:42,255 (sighs) 296 00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,358 (gasps) 297 00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:51,664 Okay. Ruin Christmas. Here we go. 298 00:13:51,731 --> 00:13:54,033 Don't even care if they transferred the wet clothes 299 00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:57,303 from the washer to the dryer. 300 00:13:57,370 --> 00:14:00,973 Oh, you see? I knew it. I knew it. 301 00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:04,210 ♪ ♪ 302 00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:21,094 STEWIE: Santa Claus? 303 00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,896 Why are you taking our Christmas tree? 304 00:14:23,963 --> 00:14:27,667 Why are you in pigtails and a little girl's nightgown? 305 00:14:27,734 --> 00:14:32,071 Okay, okay, maybe we both forget what we saw. 306 00:14:38,344 --> 00:14:41,013 God, I hate being alone during the holidays. 307 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,349 Wait! 308 00:14:43,416 --> 00:14:45,651 Hello, Joan. My name is Glenn Quagmire. 309 00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,887 I'm just calling to see if I have a payment due 310 00:14:47,954 --> 00:14:49,489 on my Discover card. 311 00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:52,091 What? No, I'm not alone on Christmas. 312 00:14:52,158 --> 00:14:55,928 I'll have you know I'm actually here with my very large family. 313 00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:58,931 Uh, prove it by telling you my children's real names 314 00:14:58,998 --> 00:15:01,234 that don't sound like I made them up in a panic? 315 00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:04,504 Uh, uh, Bloofus and Klunt. 316 00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:07,306 Look, there's kids, okay? 317 00:15:07,373 --> 00:15:09,242 Oh, what, you don't believe me? 318 00:15:09,308 --> 00:15:11,377 Bloofus, that vase was irreplaceable. 319 00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:13,164 Oh, boy, Joan, I'm gonna have to let you go. 320 00:15:13,212 --> 00:15:15,848 Wait. You think I was the one who knocked over that vase? 321 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,717 How dare you, madam. 322 00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:20,853 Oh, now Klunt's acting up. Don't have kids, Joan. 323 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,656 It's a big mistake. Merry Christmas. (beeps) 324 00:15:33,166 --> 00:15:34,634 (all gasp) 325 00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:38,504 Merry Christmas, everybo... Hey, what happened? 326 00:15:38,571 --> 00:15:40,940 Peter, I... I think we've been robbed. 327 00:15:41,007 --> 00:15:42,642 (gasps) I can't believe it. 328 00:15:42,708 --> 00:15:44,553 They stole the presents, they stole the decorations. 329 00:15:44,577 --> 00:15:47,113 They even stole our tree. 330 00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:49,415 I want my presents. 331 00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:50,650 Okay, let's just settle down. 332 00:15:50,716 --> 00:15:52,251 Everybody kneel in the backyard 333 00:15:52,318 --> 00:15:54,520 in front of Daddy's big pre‐dug hole. 334 00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:56,198 You know, Peter, this never would've happened 335 00:15:56,222 --> 00:15:58,424 if you hadn't gotten rid of that Ring doorbell camera. 336 00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:01,194 Ugh, someone crapped on the porch again. 337 00:16:01,260 --> 00:16:03,062 I'm checking the footage. 338 00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:06,642 Whoever it was probably had no choice, is my guess. 339 00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:08,410 Their family was probably using all the bathrooms. 340 00:16:08,434 --> 00:16:10,770 That's probably what happened, whoever did that. 341 00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:18,620 ANNOUNCER (over TV): We now return to Tony Bennett's 342 00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:20,847 Half‐Asleep Christmas Spectacular. 343 00:16:20,913 --> 00:16:23,983 ♪ A‐jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle bells... ♪ 344 00:16:24,050 --> 00:16:25,451 (snores) 345 00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:26,686 PRODUCER: Tony! 346 00:16:26,752 --> 00:16:28,855 ♪ Fa, la, la, la, la... ♪ 347 00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:31,123 - (snores) - ANNOUNCER: Coming up - on Tony Bennett's 348 00:16:31,190 --> 00:16:32,959 Half‐Asleep Christmas Spectacular, 349 00:16:33,025 --> 00:16:34,961 a duet with Willie Nelson. 350 00:16:35,027 --> 00:16:36,996 ♪ ♪ 351 00:16:37,063 --> 00:16:38,364 (both snoring) 352 00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:40,099 PRODUCER: Guys! 353 00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:42,235 - ♪ O, come ♪ - ♪ Just hear those ♪ 354 00:16:42,301 --> 00:16:44,079 - ♪ Let us adore him ♪ - ♪ Sleigh bells ringing ♪ 355 00:16:44,103 --> 00:16:45,771 ♪ And jing‐jing‐jingling, too... ♪ 356 00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:48,908 I'm back from Mexico, and definitely not 357 00:16:48,975 --> 00:16:51,511 - Cost Plus World Market. - Welcome back, Lois. 358 00:16:51,577 --> 00:16:53,412 I cleaned and got groceries. 359 00:16:53,479 --> 00:16:56,449 But I'm afraid we have bad news: we've been robbed. 360 00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:58,117 Robbed? 361 00:16:58,184 --> 00:17:00,553 On Christmas? (gasps) 362 00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:02,088 Oh, my God. 363 00:17:02,154 --> 00:17:03,723 I‐I go away for one Christmas, 364 00:17:03,789 --> 00:17:05,558 and everything goes down the drain. 365 00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:07,860 All of you must feel so terrible. 366 00:17:07,927 --> 00:17:11,497 Well, we did, until we realized there was one present 367 00:17:11,564 --> 00:17:13,933 - we still had. - There is? 368 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,736 - Yeah, Mom. Yours. - (gasps) 369 00:17:16,802 --> 00:17:20,506 Remember how you said you wanted a gift from the heart this year? 370 00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:22,875 Well, we all got you something. 371 00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:24,553 We kept it upstairs because we didn't think 372 00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:26,245 you'd be here for Christmas. 373 00:17:26,312 --> 00:17:28,614 Oh, well, that's nice. 374 00:17:28,681 --> 00:17:31,117 We really made a point to stay on top of the dishes 375 00:17:31,183 --> 00:17:32,485 while you were gone. 376 00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:35,254 Here you go, Mom. It's from all of us. 377 00:17:36,923 --> 00:17:38,391 Read the card first. 378 00:17:38,457 --> 00:17:41,227 We put Brian's name on it, but he's just the dog. 379 00:17:42,028 --> 00:17:43,229 "Dear Mom, we're sorry 380 00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:45,398 "we disappointed you this Christmas. 381 00:17:45,464 --> 00:17:47,099 "We know you put a lot of hard work 382 00:17:47,166 --> 00:17:49,135 "into making Christmas memorable. 383 00:17:49,201 --> 00:17:51,971 "We love and appreciate everything you do. 384 00:17:52,038 --> 00:17:53,973 "We'll never let you down again. 385 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:56,809 That you can count on." 386 00:17:56,876 --> 00:17:58,978 Wow. That's... 387 00:17:59,045 --> 00:18:00,980 that's really nice. 388 00:18:01,047 --> 00:18:03,215 - There's more on the back. - Oh. 389 00:18:03,282 --> 00:18:05,484 "You see, having a mom is not something 390 00:18:05,551 --> 00:18:08,621 "we take for granted, because you only get one. 391 00:18:08,688 --> 00:18:12,758 "And the one we have is perfect in every way. 392 00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:14,927 We love you." (gasps) 393 00:18:14,994 --> 00:18:16,862 It's beautiful, you guys. 394 00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:19,065 Now use this black light to read what we wrote 395 00:18:19,131 --> 00:18:20,866 in invisible ink while This Is Us' 396 00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:24,036 "sad stuff's about to happen" acoustic guitar plays. 397 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,204 ♪ ♪ 398 00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:27,506 "Mom, from the very start, 399 00:18:27,573 --> 00:18:29,475 "you've always been there for us. 400 00:18:29,542 --> 00:18:31,744 "And we know you've always supported us 401 00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:35,915 "and would never do anything to let us down or hurt us. 402 00:18:35,982 --> 00:18:39,118 "Thanks for making every Christmas so memorable. 403 00:18:39,185 --> 00:18:42,121 We love you so much, Mom." 404 00:18:42,188 --> 00:18:44,657 Oh, God, I'm gonna cry. 405 00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:49,261 And look up in the sky. 406 00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:55,801 Aw, we should've read that one first. 407 00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:58,137 Now open your present. 408 00:19:00,439 --> 00:19:02,642 (chuckles) Wow. 409 00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:03,976 W‐What is it? 410 00:19:04,043 --> 00:19:06,846 It's a bowl we all made for you in a pottery class. 411 00:19:06,912 --> 00:19:10,082 A denim‐shirted lesbian named CJ helped us. 412 00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,018 It's... (grunts) 413 00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:13,452 it's beautiful. 414 00:19:13,519 --> 00:19:14,799 NARRATOR: And what happened next? 415 00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:17,423 Well, in Quahog they say, 416 00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:21,627 Lois's heart grew three sizes that day. 417 00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:25,231 (monitor beeping) 418 00:19:25,297 --> 00:19:27,099 Never seen anything like it. 419 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,201 Very dangerous. She's lucky to be alive. 420 00:19:29,268 --> 00:19:31,070 ♪ ♪ 421 00:19:31,137 --> 00:19:33,773 - Thank God you're okay. - We love you, Mom. 422 00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:36,242 Best Christmas ever. 423 00:19:36,308 --> 00:19:40,112 NARRATOR: The medical emergency distractd the family from her crimes. 424 00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,747 She never did confess. 425 00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:43,983 Instead, the Griffins' Muslim neighbor 426 00:19:44,050 --> 00:19:45,885 was arrested for the break‐in. 427 00:19:45,951 --> 00:19:50,356 Lois said nothing and the man was deported back to Turkey. 428 00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:52,058 DRIVER: See? What I tell you? 429 00:19:52,124 --> 00:19:53,726 Always Turkey. 430 00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:55,528 (speaking gibberish) 431 00:20:02,401 --> 00:20:04,070 Well, it's good to have you back, Lois. 432 00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:06,672 (laughs): If I kept having to wash dishes and buy groceries, 433 00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:09,341 - I was gonna go crazy. - Okay. 434 00:20:09,408 --> 00:20:13,112 So, Mom, who are these cousins you were in Mexico with? 435 00:20:13,179 --> 00:20:15,514 Oh, you know, just my cousins. 436 00:20:15,581 --> 00:20:17,216 - Which ones? - Yeah, Mom. 437 00:20:17,283 --> 00:20:18,884 Prove it by telling us cousin names 438 00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:21,253 that don't sound like you made them up in a panic. 439 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:23,289 (raspberry) Of course I can do that. 440 00:20:23,355 --> 00:20:26,792 My good, close cousins Bloofus and Klunt. 441 00:20:26,859 --> 00:20:31,831 (chuckles) In fact, I think I hear them upstairs right now. 442 00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:33,265 (rapid footsteps) 443 00:20:33,332 --> 00:20:35,401 Bloofus? Klunt? 444 00:20:35,468 --> 00:20:37,970 - (thudding, clattering) - Oh, no, Bloofus, 445 00:20:38,037 --> 00:20:41,407 not Meg's diorama project, which is due tomorrow. 446 00:20:41,474 --> 00:20:43,809 - (thudding, crashing) - Oh, no, Klunt, 447 00:20:43,876 --> 00:20:45,911 that was Stewie's aquarium with the fish 448 00:20:45,978 --> 00:20:47,413 you have to feed so damn much 449 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:49,782 and they basically always die anyway. 450 00:20:49,849 --> 00:20:51,684 Frickin' Klunt, man. 451 00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:55,621 LOIS: Bloofus, put down Peter's pills that came in a discreet box. 452 00:20:55,688 --> 00:20:56,889 Got to go. 453 00:20:56,956 --> 00:20:58,424 (rapid footsteps) 454 00:20:58,491 --> 00:21:00,826 - PETER: Bloofus. - (toilet flushes) 455 00:21:00,893 --> 00:21:02,595 Bloofus!