1 00:00:01,704 --> 00:00:05,077 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:05,143 --> 00:00:08,450 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,518 --> 00:00:11,957 ♪ But where are those good old‐fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:12,024 --> 00:00:14,963 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:15,030 --> 00:00:18,604 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,671 --> 00:00:21,777 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,844 --> 00:00:23,480 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,548 --> 00:00:24,783 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,850 --> 00:00:30,460 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:36,607 --> 00:00:37,809 Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. 11 00:00:37,876 --> 00:00:39,078 Please don't adjust your sets. 12 00:00:39,145 --> 00:00:41,015 I've been sneezing all over the camera. 13 00:00:41,082 --> 00:00:44,021 That's right. The flu epidemic has officially hit Quahog. 14 00:00:44,088 --> 00:00:45,825 So, for the rest of tonight's broadcast, 15 00:00:45,892 --> 00:00:48,831 my mommy will be spoon‐feeding me chicken soup. 16 00:00:48,898 --> 00:00:50,535 - Mommy. - Tommy. 17 00:00:50,602 --> 00:00:53,073 Hey, guys, I brought a sneeze home from school. 18 00:00:53,139 --> 00:00:54,676 You want to see it? 19 00:00:54,743 --> 00:00:56,079 Ah‐ah... 20 00:00:56,145 --> 00:00:59,853 (distorted): No...! 21 00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:02,959 ...choo! 22 00:01:05,030 --> 00:01:07,750 - ♪ Do, do, do, do ♪ - ("Ode to My Family" by The Cranberries playing) 23 00:01:10,107 --> 00:01:12,646 ♪ Do, do, do, do ♪ 24 00:01:12,712 --> 00:01:15,985 ♪ Do, do, do, do ♪ 25 00:01:16,052 --> 00:01:18,156 ♪ Do, do, do, do ♪ 26 00:01:18,223 --> 00:01:20,561 ♪ Do, do, do, do ♪ 27 00:01:20,628 --> 00:01:22,498 ♪ Do, do, do, do ♪ 28 00:01:22,565 --> 00:01:25,838 ♪ Do, do, do, do. ♪ 29 00:01:25,905 --> 00:01:27,909 ♪ 30 00:01:32,351 --> 00:01:33,286 (music stops) 31 00:01:33,353 --> 00:01:35,190 (groaning) 32 00:01:35,257 --> 00:01:35,992 (sneezes) 33 00:01:36,259 --> 00:01:38,564 Damn it, who's secretly an X‐Man? 34 00:01:38,631 --> 00:01:41,069 You know, I'm actually starting to not feel well. 35 00:01:41,135 --> 00:01:43,908 Oh, boy. Guess we better line it up for butt temps. 36 00:01:43,974 --> 00:01:45,978 I'll go first and third. 37 00:01:46,045 --> 00:01:47,792 Peter, you look okay. Would you mind going out 38 00:01:47,816 --> 00:01:49,051 and grabbing some medicine? 39 00:01:49,118 --> 00:01:51,757 Okay, but if I get a DUI, it's your fault. 40 00:01:51,824 --> 00:01:52,892 You're drunk? 41 00:01:52,959 --> 00:01:54,830 It's after dinner! 42 00:02:04,916 --> 00:02:06,085 (shuts off engine) 43 00:02:07,655 --> 00:02:09,258 Where is everybody? 44 00:02:13,032 --> 00:02:14,736 Hmm. 45 00:02:14,803 --> 00:02:16,005 ♪ Glass of cold lemonade ♪ 46 00:02:16,339 --> 00:02:18,620 ("Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" by Paula Cole playing) 47 00:02:18,677 --> 00:02:21,048 ♪ I will do the laundry ♪ 48 00:02:21,115 --> 00:02:25,290 ♪ If you pay all the bills ♪ 49 00:02:25,357 --> 00:02:29,131 ♪ Where is my John Wayne? ♪ 50 00:02:29,198 --> 00:02:32,972 ♪ Where is my prairie song? ♪ 51 00:02:33,039 --> 00:02:36,112 ♪ Where is my happy ending? ♪ 52 00:02:36,179 --> 00:02:38,784 ♪ Where have all the cowboys gone? ♪ 53 00:02:38,851 --> 00:02:41,657 (sighs) Damn it, I give up. 54 00:02:41,723 --> 00:02:43,761 ♪ 55 00:02:43,828 --> 00:02:45,096 Paula Cole! 56 00:02:45,163 --> 00:02:47,301 Oh, I hate her. I should've known that. 57 00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:48,704 ♪ Why don't you stay... ♪ 58 00:02:48,771 --> 00:02:51,375 (crickets chirping) 59 00:02:51,442 --> 00:02:52,979 Two outs, bottom of the ninth, 60 00:02:53,046 --> 00:02:55,150 man on second, Red Sox down by a run. 61 00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:56,954 Peter Griffin down to his last strike. 62 00:02:57,020 --> 00:02:58,189 Here comes the pitch. 63 00:02:58,256 --> 00:03:00,193 Strike three, and he knew it. 64 00:03:00,260 --> 00:03:01,897 Didn't even get the bat off his shoulder. 65 00:03:01,964 --> 00:03:05,303 Griffin will almost certainly be sent down to Triple‐A Pawtucket. 66 00:03:05,370 --> 00:03:07,307 Strike three, and he knew it. 67 00:03:07,374 --> 00:03:10,615 Griffin will almost certainly be sent to Double‐A Bristol. 68 00:03:10,681 --> 00:03:12,585 Strike three, and he knew it. 69 00:03:12,652 --> 00:03:14,823 Griffin will certainly be sent to the dirt field 70 00:03:14,890 --> 00:03:16,359 where they filmed The Sandlot. 71 00:03:16,425 --> 00:03:18,363 Strike three, and he knew it. 72 00:03:18,429 --> 00:03:21,637 Mr. Griffin, maybe it's time to try a different sport. 73 00:03:21,703 --> 00:03:22,805 (shoes squeaking) 74 00:03:22,872 --> 00:03:24,643 Five seconds left, Celtics down by one. 75 00:03:24,709 --> 00:03:26,054 Griffin with a clear line to the basket. 76 00:03:26,078 --> 00:03:28,684 Off his foot and out of bounds! 77 00:03:35,096 --> 00:03:37,067 (dog panting) 78 00:03:37,134 --> 00:03:38,303 Stay. 79 00:03:38,369 --> 00:03:40,040 Sorry, I couldn't find a sitter. 80 00:03:40,106 --> 00:03:42,912 So, I ran some tests and it's official: 81 00:03:42,979 --> 00:03:44,081 you all have the flu. 82 00:03:44,148 --> 00:03:46,052 But luckily you got here in time. 83 00:03:46,118 --> 00:03:47,822 Doc, this is very important. 84 00:03:47,889 --> 00:03:50,060 How long before she can make dinner again? 85 00:03:50,126 --> 00:03:51,830 I only know how to make eggs. 86 00:03:51,897 --> 00:03:53,877 Oh, don't worry. Everyone should make a full recovery 87 00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:55,070 in a couple of days. 88 00:03:55,136 --> 00:03:57,441 Okay, good. I can egg my way through that. 89 00:03:57,508 --> 00:03:59,445 I actually wanted to talk to you, Peter. 90 00:03:59,512 --> 00:04:01,817 It's very rare that someone would be around 91 00:04:01,883 --> 00:04:04,154 so many infected people and not get sick themselves. 92 00:04:04,221 --> 00:04:05,791 So I went ahead and tested you 93 00:04:05,858 --> 00:04:07,337 and I found something very interesting. 94 00:04:07,361 --> 00:04:08,630 (dog whimpering) 95 00:04:08,697 --> 00:04:10,634 Sadie, quiet. I'm right here. 96 00:04:10,701 --> 00:04:12,905 Rescues. Not worth it. 97 00:04:12,972 --> 00:04:15,310 Peter, you appear to have a very strong immune system. 98 00:04:15,377 --> 00:04:16,312 Kegels. 99 00:04:16,379 --> 00:04:17,481 - What? - I don't know. 100 00:04:17,782 --> 00:04:20,186 Anyway, this flu season has decimated the hospital, 101 00:04:20,253 --> 00:04:21,923 and we're severely short‐staffed. 102 00:04:21,990 --> 00:04:23,994 How would you like to be a male nurse? 103 00:04:24,061 --> 00:04:26,332 Do I get to wear those green pajama clothes all day? 104 00:04:26,399 --> 00:04:28,169 - Yes. - I'll do it! 105 00:04:28,236 --> 00:04:30,206 Wow. I've never helped anyone before. 106 00:04:30,273 --> 00:04:33,012 Well, except for that time I picked the last piece of bread. 107 00:04:33,079 --> 00:04:35,183 Whoa. You picked me. 108 00:04:35,250 --> 00:04:37,087 I've been skipped and flipped 109 00:04:37,154 --> 00:04:38,791 and reached over so many times, 110 00:04:38,857 --> 00:04:40,260 I wasn't sure I'd ever get out. 111 00:04:40,326 --> 00:04:41,963 So, what are you gonna put on me? 112 00:04:42,030 --> 00:04:43,734 Jelly? Cream cheese? 113 00:04:43,801 --> 00:04:44,836 Maybe some nut butters? 114 00:04:45,136 --> 00:04:47,274 Actually, I'm just using you to squish a spider. 115 00:04:47,340 --> 00:04:48,409 Aw. 116 00:04:48,476 --> 00:04:50,413 Yuck. Yuck, yuck, yuck. 117 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:52,484 (birds chirping) 118 00:04:55,390 --> 00:04:58,062 You know, last week's flu scare got me thinking. 119 00:04:58,129 --> 00:05:00,066 I don't know anything about my genetic makeup 120 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,337 or what other illnesses I might be susceptible to. 121 00:05:02,404 --> 00:05:04,408 You know who'd love this story? Chris. 122 00:05:04,475 --> 00:05:07,715 So, it made me want to do a 23andMe genetic test. 123 00:05:07,782 --> 00:05:09,886 - Chris! - It says I'm predisposed 124 00:05:09,953 --> 00:05:11,188 to like caffeine. 125 00:05:11,255 --> 00:05:13,025 So true, so true. 126 00:05:13,092 --> 00:05:14,896 I can't even function without my caff. 127 00:05:14,963 --> 00:05:16,132 I get all grr. 128 00:05:16,198 --> 00:05:17,443 How many more of these are there? 129 00:05:17,467 --> 00:05:19,271 Whew, don't have the Alzheimer's gene. 130 00:05:19,338 --> 00:05:20,975 That's good. 131 00:05:21,041 --> 00:05:22,879 And it says I don't have the Alzheimer's gene, 132 00:05:22,945 --> 00:05:24,148 so that's good. 133 00:05:24,214 --> 00:05:25,283 Hmm. 134 00:05:25,350 --> 00:05:26,285 Wait, what was that? 135 00:05:26,352 --> 00:05:27,822 It was nothing. 136 00:05:28,824 --> 00:05:30,326 Oh, my God. Brian. 137 00:05:30,393 --> 00:05:32,865 You're one percent cat! 138 00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:35,170 And part Black. 139 00:05:35,236 --> 00:05:36,907 - What?! - Whoa! 140 00:05:36,973 --> 00:05:38,385 I was just kidding about the Black thing. 141 00:05:38,409 --> 00:05:40,380 That was a test and you... (blows raspberry) 142 00:05:47,528 --> 00:05:48,797 Morning, family. 143 00:05:48,864 --> 00:05:50,200 I need breakfast stat. 144 00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:52,246 Are you excited for your first day as a nurse, Dad? 145 00:05:52,270 --> 00:05:53,472 I am. Thanks, Mug. 146 00:05:53,540 --> 00:05:54,542 Meg. 147 00:05:54,609 --> 00:05:56,846 M‐Mug... 148 00:05:56,913 --> 00:05:58,951 So, how's this gonna work, Dad? 149 00:05:59,017 --> 00:06:00,530 You don't know anything about medicine. 150 00:06:00,554 --> 00:06:02,224 Oh, there's a lot more to being a nurse 151 00:06:02,290 --> 00:06:03,894 than medical mumbo jumbo. 152 00:06:03,961 --> 00:06:06,232 For example, what's the next holiday? 153 00:06:06,298 --> 00:06:07,300 Memorial Day. 154 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,104 - The next one. - Fourth of July. 155 00:06:09,171 --> 00:06:11,075 - Say "Christmas." - Christmas. 156 00:06:11,141 --> 00:06:12,277 ‐(bell jingles) ‐Eh? 157 00:06:12,344 --> 00:06:13,747 That's good nursing. 158 00:06:13,814 --> 00:06:15,183 Yeah, I agree with Chris. 159 00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:17,287 I don't think you have the makeup to be a nurse. 160 00:06:17,354 --> 00:06:19,091 - You're impatient... - Are you done? 161 00:06:19,157 --> 00:06:20,503 ...and you faint when you see blood. 162 00:06:20,527 --> 00:06:23,099 I got over that. Pass the ketchup. 163 00:06:26,005 --> 00:06:28,309 "Oh, don't buy a fainting couch, Stewie. 164 00:06:28,376 --> 00:06:31,516 No one in this house is gonna need a fainting couch, Stewie." 165 00:06:36,025 --> 00:06:37,528 Hey, Stewie. 166 00:06:39,866 --> 00:06:40,968 What was that? 167 00:06:41,035 --> 00:06:42,370 Was that a cat stretch? 168 00:06:42,437 --> 00:06:44,074 Oh, my God, is that what that looks like? 169 00:06:44,141 --> 00:06:45,209 I mean, you said it. 170 00:06:45,476 --> 00:06:47,480 I guess that DNA report was right on the money. 171 00:06:47,548 --> 00:06:48,984 Nature over nurture. 172 00:06:49,986 --> 00:06:51,488 (purring) 173 00:06:51,556 --> 00:06:53,259 What are you‐‐ Are you purring? 174 00:06:53,326 --> 00:06:55,063 Do you really think you're a cat? 175 00:06:55,129 --> 00:06:57,200 Yeah. No, I‐‐ I don't know. 176 00:06:57,267 --> 00:06:58,870 Okay? I‐I just feel different. 177 00:06:58,937 --> 00:07:00,149 I don't care what that report said. 178 00:07:00,173 --> 00:07:01,442 You're not a cat. 179 00:07:01,509 --> 00:07:04,014 You're what's called a pretentious absorber. 180 00:07:04,081 --> 00:07:06,553 - What's that? - You remember how Madonna lived in London 181 00:07:06,619 --> 00:07:08,456 for, like, a month and then started talking 182 00:07:08,523 --> 00:07:09,826 with a British accent? 183 00:07:09,892 --> 00:07:11,028 It's that. 184 00:07:11,095 --> 00:07:12,095 If I weren't a cat, 185 00:07:12,364 --> 00:07:14,468 would I be obsessed with this scratch post? 186 00:07:14,535 --> 00:07:16,004 That's not a scratch post. 187 00:07:16,071 --> 00:07:17,975 That's Meg's leg. 188 00:07:18,042 --> 00:07:20,380 (intensely): Don't stop. 189 00:07:24,388 --> 00:07:26,425 Peter, welcome to your first day. 190 00:07:26,492 --> 00:07:28,496 Doc, this may sound silly, but... 191 00:07:28,563 --> 00:07:30,501 (Southern accent): what do I do? 192 00:07:30,567 --> 00:07:32,337 As a nurse, it's important to know 193 00:07:32,404 --> 00:07:34,374 how every department in a hospital works. 194 00:07:34,441 --> 00:07:37,280 So today I need you to observe surgery. 195 00:07:37,347 --> 00:07:38,449 (monitor beeping steadily) 196 00:07:38,517 --> 00:07:40,353 PETER: Boo! 197 00:07:40,420 --> 00:07:44,094 Boo! My sister can attach ventricles better than you! 198 00:07:45,096 --> 00:07:46,365 (chanting): He's not Jewish! 199 00:07:46,432 --> 00:07:47,902 (clapping rhythmically) 200 00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:48,970 Come on, everybody! 201 00:07:49,037 --> 00:07:50,641 He's not Jewish! 202 00:07:56,719 --> 00:07:58,557 Peter? What are you doing here? 203 00:07:58,623 --> 00:07:59,623 I'm your nurse. 204 00:07:59,692 --> 00:08:02,998 So, what brings you in today, Mr... 205 00:08:03,065 --> 00:08:05,169 - Quagmire? - Look, I‐I don't really feel comfortable 206 00:08:05,236 --> 00:08:07,875 sharing my health problems with one of my buddies. 207 00:08:07,942 --> 00:08:09,077 Can I get a different nurse? 208 00:08:09,144 --> 00:08:10,446 You're in a hospital, Glenn. 209 00:08:10,514 --> 00:08:12,585 Anything you say is private and confidential 210 00:08:12,651 --> 00:08:15,022 - and legally protected by HIPAA... - Don't say it. 211 00:08:15,089 --> 00:08:16,024 ...potamus. 212 00:08:16,091 --> 00:08:17,561 What's said here stays here. 213 00:08:17,628 --> 00:08:19,866 - So, what's your problem? - (sighs) 214 00:08:19,932 --> 00:08:22,070 Okay. So, I was at home watching Mrs. Fletcher. 215 00:08:22,136 --> 00:08:24,575 - Mm‐hmm. - It's a pretty sexually driven show, 216 00:08:24,642 --> 00:08:26,989 - and it kinda gets me going. - Right, right. - (keys clacking, message sends) 217 00:08:27,013 --> 00:08:29,253 - (clacking) - So, I'm pretty revved up and I decide to... 218 00:08:29,284 --> 00:08:30,684 - you know. - Sure. - (message sends) 219 00:08:30,888 --> 00:08:33,128 - (phone chiming) - And I don't have a prayer of finishing 220 00:08:33,225 --> 00:08:34,829 - Like, weird notches. - Uh‐huh. 221 00:08:35,029 --> 00:08:37,968 - So I look over at my side table and I see the Apple TV remote - (chiming) 222 00:08:38,035 --> 00:08:39,939 - and I think, "Well, that could work." - Right. 223 00:08:40,006 --> 00:08:42,453 - (clacking, sending) - Before I know it, I've got six Apple TV remotes 224 00:08:42,477 --> 00:08:44,525 - taped together and my foot behind my head. - Got it. 225 00:08:44,549 --> 00:08:46,451 And just as I get everything... you know... 226 00:08:46,519 --> 00:08:48,455 - (rapid chiming) - 'Kay. - ...Mrs. Fletcher ends 227 00:08:48,523 --> 00:08:50,523 - and Watchmen starts, which scares me... - Mm. Wow. 228 00:08:50,561 --> 00:08:53,098 ...but now it's too late because everything's... you know. 229 00:08:53,165 --> 00:08:54,635 - Oh, my stars. - (phone buzzes) 230 00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:56,706 Uh, hold on a second. I got a text. 231 00:09:07,528 --> 00:09:09,230 - What do we got? - Suspected heart attack. 232 00:09:09,297 --> 00:09:10,667 He's not breathing. No pulse. 233 00:09:10,734 --> 00:09:12,571 I can save him, but we got to move fast. 234 00:09:12,638 --> 00:09:15,242 Give me 20cc's of Music Factory. 235 00:09:15,309 --> 00:09:16,244 Clear! 236 00:09:16,311 --> 00:09:18,248 ♪ Everybody dance now! ♪ 237 00:09:18,315 --> 00:09:19,652 Again! Clear! 238 00:09:19,719 --> 00:09:21,956 ♪ Everybody dance now! ♪ 239 00:09:22,023 --> 00:09:22,958 Clear! 240 00:09:23,025 --> 00:09:24,695 ♪ Everybody dance now! ♪ 241 00:09:24,762 --> 00:09:27,000 (beeping to the rhythm of "Everybody Dance Now") 242 00:09:29,270 --> 00:09:30,707 You did it! Great work. 243 00:09:30,774 --> 00:09:32,110 Don't thank me. 244 00:09:32,176 --> 00:09:34,280 Thank silly '90s songs. 245 00:09:34,347 --> 00:09:35,347 What do we got? 246 00:09:35,416 --> 00:09:37,020 Head injury. He got knocked down. 247 00:09:37,086 --> 00:09:38,088 We'll get him up again. 248 00:09:38,155 --> 00:09:39,625 I need two milligrams of Chumba 249 00:09:39,692 --> 00:09:41,194 and one of Wamba! 250 00:09:49,044 --> 00:09:50,146 Oh, hey, Brian. 251 00:09:50,212 --> 00:09:51,314 You want to come up? 252 00:09:52,751 --> 00:09:54,320 Come on up. Come on. 253 00:09:54,387 --> 00:09:56,224 Right here. Jump up. 254 00:09:56,291 --> 00:09:57,661 Pss, pss, pss. (clicking tongue) 255 00:09:57,728 --> 00:09:59,264 Jump up. (smooching) 256 00:09:59,330 --> 00:10:01,068 Come on. There's a spot right here. 257 00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:02,671 Come on up. Be a friend. 258 00:10:02,738 --> 00:10:04,074 Just jump up. 259 00:10:04,140 --> 00:10:05,744 I know you want to come up here. 260 00:10:05,811 --> 00:10:07,614 Jump the hell up here, you dope. 261 00:10:07,681 --> 00:10:09,785 I demand that you jump up here and be a companion. 262 00:10:09,852 --> 00:10:12,190 Be a companion! Get up here! 263 00:10:12,256 --> 00:10:13,258 Mommy? 264 00:10:13,325 --> 00:10:14,595 All right. 265 00:10:14,662 --> 00:10:17,100 Now I'm gonna scratch your forehead for a while, 266 00:10:17,166 --> 00:10:19,104 so don't seem like you like it at first, 267 00:10:19,170 --> 00:10:21,709 then suddenly bite my hand for no reason. 268 00:10:27,788 --> 00:10:29,792 (purring) 269 00:10:34,702 --> 00:10:36,739 Ow! That's it. I'm gonna go online 270 00:10:36,806 --> 00:10:39,410 and buy you a $70 toy you'll hate. 271 00:10:42,483 --> 00:10:46,491 Enjoy your soup, old man whose butt is out. 272 00:10:48,362 --> 00:10:50,499 (gasps) You! 273 00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:52,336 ♪ 274 00:10:56,512 --> 00:10:58,516 (coughs) 275 00:10:58,583 --> 00:11:00,887 Geez, what's wrong with you? We usually start fighting. 276 00:11:00,954 --> 00:11:02,456 I'm dying, Peter. 277 00:11:02,524 --> 00:11:04,127 Oh. 278 00:11:04,194 --> 00:11:05,597 Let me close your privacy curtains 279 00:11:05,664 --> 00:11:07,634 to make you more comfortable. 280 00:11:07,701 --> 00:11:10,472 (prolonged flatulence) 281 00:11:10,540 --> 00:11:11,843 That feel better? 282 00:11:19,725 --> 00:11:22,664 I'm sorry, Dr. Hartman, but I can't help this patient. 283 00:11:22,731 --> 00:11:24,367 We're really big rivals. 284 00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:26,471 Peter, if I only helped people I liked, 285 00:11:26,539 --> 00:11:28,543 everyone in this hospital would be dead. 286 00:11:28,610 --> 00:11:30,547 Just do what I do‐‐ help them out, 287 00:11:30,614 --> 00:11:33,385 then angry Footloose dance‐out your frustrations. 288 00:11:33,452 --> 00:11:36,124 WOMAN (over P. A.): Dr. Hartman, please report to Cardiology. 289 00:11:36,191 --> 00:11:37,895 - Dr. Hartman. - I got to go. 290 00:11:37,961 --> 00:11:39,965 ♪ 291 00:11:43,873 --> 00:11:45,810 (wheezes, coughs) 292 00:11:45,877 --> 00:11:48,583 This must make you pretty happy. (coughs) 293 00:11:48,650 --> 00:11:50,319 Seeing me like this. 294 00:11:50,386 --> 00:11:52,156 I took too much ecstasy in my 20s, 295 00:11:52,223 --> 00:11:53,860 so nothing makes me happy anymore. 296 00:11:53,927 --> 00:11:56,264 - What's wrong with you anyway? - Bird flu. 297 00:11:56,331 --> 00:11:57,834 But there's a vaccine for that. 298 00:11:57,901 --> 00:11:59,838 Yeah, loaded with... (coughs) 299 00:11:59,905 --> 00:12:01,842 mercury and antifreeze. (coughs) 300 00:12:01,909 --> 00:12:03,546 No... thank you. 301 00:12:03,613 --> 00:12:06,552 Ah, I knew I hated you for a good reason. 302 00:12:06,619 --> 00:12:08,723 This is probably for the best anyway. 303 00:12:08,790 --> 00:12:10,794 There's nothing left for me in this world. 304 00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:13,465 I lost my job, I lost my house, 305 00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:15,670 my wife left me for a bigger cock. 306 00:12:15,737 --> 00:12:18,175 - Cocks are chickens. - I'm better off dead. 307 00:12:18,241 --> 00:12:20,179 Oh, that's sad. I agree. 308 00:12:20,245 --> 00:12:21,716 I guess that means I win, huh? 309 00:12:21,782 --> 00:12:23,686 I guess so. 310 00:12:23,753 --> 00:12:26,926 After all these years, who thought it would end like this? 311 00:12:26,993 --> 00:12:28,863 Yeah, it's, uh, kind of anticlimactic. 312 00:12:28,930 --> 00:12:30,834 I always thought it would end with me 313 00:12:30,900 --> 00:12:32,780 - eating you for Thanksgiving. - Eating you for Thanksgiving? 314 00:12:32,804 --> 00:12:34,942 Wait. Birds eat people on Thanksgiving? 315 00:12:35,009 --> 00:12:37,681 - Yeah. - Huh. Cool. 316 00:12:37,748 --> 00:12:40,352 Well, a win's a win, even if it's like this. 317 00:12:40,419 --> 00:12:41,956 And it's too bad. I had an awesome line 318 00:12:42,023 --> 00:12:43,960 I was gonna say when I finally beat you. 319 00:12:44,027 --> 00:12:45,697 Oh, yeah? What was it? 320 00:12:45,764 --> 00:12:47,299 (chuckling): Oh, it was a good one. 321 00:12:47,366 --> 00:12:49,370 Say it. 322 00:12:54,782 --> 00:12:56,552 I got to go. 323 00:12:56,619 --> 00:12:59,725 You get five minutes to say goodbye to your father. 324 00:12:59,792 --> 00:13:01,227 Sup, Ernie? 325 00:13:01,294 --> 00:13:03,766 Holy moly, that's a huge cock. 326 00:13:09,678 --> 00:13:11,782 Chris, no footsy under the table. 327 00:13:11,849 --> 00:13:13,285 It's disturbing. 328 00:13:13,351 --> 00:13:14,621 Good evening, family. 329 00:13:14,688 --> 00:13:15,790 Champagne? 330 00:13:15,857 --> 00:13:17,259 Maybe open that facing... 331 00:13:17,326 --> 00:13:19,865 - (yowls) - Ah, (bleep). My eye! 332 00:13:19,932 --> 00:13:21,434 What are we celebrating? 333 00:13:21,502 --> 00:13:23,238 Is our IRS audit finally over? 334 00:13:23,305 --> 00:13:24,942 Oh, we wish. 335 00:13:25,008 --> 00:13:27,814 Also, we have to put a desk in the garage and the attic. 336 00:13:27,881 --> 00:13:29,651 Every room needs a desk. 337 00:13:29,718 --> 00:13:31,889 Our house has to be more office than living space. 338 00:13:31,956 --> 00:13:34,795 Anyway, this champagne is to celebrate my victory 339 00:13:34,862 --> 00:13:36,565 over the Giant Chicken. 340 00:13:36,632 --> 00:13:38,435 I saw him at the hospital today. 341 00:13:38,503 --> 00:13:41,007 He's dying, which means our great feud is finally over, 342 00:13:41,074 --> 00:13:42,777 and I won. 343 00:13:42,844 --> 00:13:44,748 - What feud? - Wait. 344 00:13:44,815 --> 00:13:46,819 - Peter and the Giant Chicken? - Who? 345 00:13:46,886 --> 00:13:49,825 The Giant Chicken. Come on. Everybody knows we have a feud. 346 00:13:49,892 --> 00:13:51,829 It's like Bart and Sideshow Bob. 347 00:13:51,896 --> 00:13:55,537 Ooh! I love the Bart and Sideshow Bob feud! 348 00:13:55,603 --> 00:13:57,941 Multiple episodes over multiple seasons. 349 00:13:58,008 --> 00:14:00,713 An ongoing story line with a classic guest star 350 00:14:00,780 --> 00:14:02,784 played by television legend Kelsey Grammer. 351 00:14:02,851 --> 00:14:04,555 Giant Chicken is classic! 352 00:14:04,621 --> 00:14:06,659 - Who plays him? - Danny Smith. 353 00:14:06,725 --> 00:14:09,397 - Who? - Danny Smith. 354 00:14:09,463 --> 00:14:11,735 Any‐Anyway, I won. Another bottle? 355 00:14:11,802 --> 00:14:13,606 - You're the only one... - (yowls) 356 00:14:13,673 --> 00:14:14,975 (bleep)! My eye! 357 00:14:15,042 --> 00:14:16,812 The Giant Chicken is really dying? 358 00:14:16,879 --> 00:14:18,683 A‐Aren't you gonna help him? You're a nurse. 359 00:14:18,749 --> 00:14:20,653 - You took an oath. - Actually, I didn't. 360 00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:23,425 I don't get paid, and they don't even validate my parking. 361 00:14:23,491 --> 00:14:25,362 What about a GoFundMe? 362 00:14:25,429 --> 00:14:28,301 We're white people. That seems like the natural response. 363 00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,439 No, Lois. I'm not helping him. He's my enemy. 364 00:14:30,506 --> 00:14:31,976 He gave me a bad coupon 365 00:14:32,042 --> 00:14:34,781 in what online idiots say was our best season. 366 00:14:34,848 --> 00:14:36,852 Unforgivable, and I say, good riddance. 367 00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:38,321 Another bottle? 368 00:14:38,388 --> 00:14:40,058 - Oh, that's me. - (yowling) 369 00:14:40,125 --> 00:14:41,962 - You dick! - (yowling) 370 00:14:42,029 --> 00:14:43,833 You need him, Peter. 371 00:14:43,899 --> 00:14:45,870 Everyone needs a rival. 372 00:14:45,937 --> 00:14:48,509 Wilt had Russell, Bird had Magic, 373 00:14:48,576 --> 00:14:50,312 LeBron has his hairline. 374 00:14:50,379 --> 00:14:51,715 Oh, basketball? 375 00:14:51,782 --> 00:14:54,387 I know hair‐related sports things. 376 00:14:54,453 --> 00:14:58,529 Hate is the most important emotion in life next to love. 377 00:14:58,596 --> 00:15:01,769 When you have someone to hate, you have something to live for, 378 00:15:01,835 --> 00:15:03,806 someone to beat at something. 379 00:15:03,873 --> 00:15:07,947 I have blue Subaru 8CXX475. 380 00:15:08,014 --> 00:15:10,620 It stole my spot in a Target parking lot 381 00:15:10,687 --> 00:15:12,824 on Black Friday three years ago, 382 00:15:12,891 --> 00:15:16,497 and I've carried a D battery in my pocket every day since. 383 00:15:16,565 --> 00:15:19,070 This is either gonna break a windshield, teeth, 384 00:15:19,136 --> 00:15:20,907 or in a perfect world, both. 385 00:15:20,973 --> 00:15:22,476 And the thought of that car 386 00:15:22,544 --> 00:15:25,349 somewhere out there gets me up every morning. 387 00:15:25,415 --> 00:15:27,987 Vengeance is a powerful alarm clock. 388 00:15:28,054 --> 00:15:29,858 If the Giant Chicken dies, 389 00:15:29,925 --> 00:15:32,496 a part of you dies, too, Peter! 390 00:15:32,564 --> 00:15:33,909 And you're gonna be searching for something 391 00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:36,939 to fill that void the rest of your life! 392 00:15:37,005 --> 00:15:38,943 That's good, Lois, but I'm not helping him. 393 00:15:39,009 --> 00:15:40,947 - Helping who? - The Giant Chicken. 394 00:15:41,013 --> 00:15:44,588 (mouth full): Oh, yeah, your big rival. 395 00:15:46,157 --> 00:15:48,696 Aah! It was my turn. 396 00:15:51,602 --> 00:15:55,777 Now to curl up on a warm car hood with a book on tape. 397 00:15:55,843 --> 00:15:57,781 MORGAN FREEMAN: Garfield Tips the Scales 398 00:15:57,847 --> 00:16:00,118 as read by Morgan Freeman. 399 00:16:00,185 --> 00:16:02,824 "How did you like your lunch, Garfield?" 400 00:16:02,891 --> 00:16:06,665 "Burp, burp. I give it two burps." 401 00:16:06,732 --> 00:16:08,502 (laughs) 402 00:16:08,569 --> 00:16:09,938 Hey, what the hell are you doing? 403 00:16:10,005 --> 00:16:12,075 Oh. Hey, Quagmire. What, you haven't heard? 404 00:16:12,142 --> 00:16:13,712 I found out I'm a cat. 405 00:16:13,779 --> 00:16:16,050 So, I guess you and I are cool. 406 00:16:16,117 --> 00:16:18,021 (laughs) I don't care what you did 407 00:16:18,087 --> 00:16:19,925 to convince yourself that you're a cat. 408 00:16:19,991 --> 00:16:21,528 You're not a cat, Brian. 409 00:16:21,595 --> 00:16:24,033 I think my genetic makeup would disagree. 410 00:16:24,099 --> 00:16:26,037 Okay, Brian, if you're really a cat, 411 00:16:26,103 --> 00:16:27,774 prove it by jumping off your roof. 412 00:16:27,841 --> 00:16:29,744 If you land on your feet, safe and sound, 413 00:16:29,811 --> 00:16:31,414 I'll agree that you're a cat. 414 00:16:31,481 --> 00:16:32,917 That's it? Just jump? 415 00:16:32,984 --> 00:16:34,621 Done. 416 00:16:35,623 --> 00:16:38,963 ♪ Blame it on my ADD, baby ♪ 417 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:42,904 ♪ Sail... ♪ 418 00:16:46,512 --> 00:16:48,181 Not a cat. 419 00:16:54,561 --> 00:16:56,665 (coughing) 420 00:16:58,067 --> 00:17:00,005 Nope. 421 00:17:01,608 --> 00:17:04,548 ♪ 422 00:17:10,893 --> 00:17:13,097 (laughs) 423 00:17:13,164 --> 00:17:15,703 ♪ 424 00:17:30,165 --> 00:17:32,436 Ah. (laughs) 425 00:17:32,503 --> 00:17:34,608 I'm dying. 426 00:17:34,674 --> 00:17:37,012 You need him, Peter. 427 00:17:37,079 --> 00:17:38,782 I haven't been home in years. 428 00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:40,452 Oh, my God. 429 00:17:40,519 --> 00:17:43,959 Lois was right. I have to help him. 430 00:17:44,026 --> 00:17:47,132 - (horns honking) - Aah! I pushed too far. 431 00:17:50,205 --> 00:17:52,977 Hey, Bri, sorry that roof jump didn't work out. 432 00:17:53,044 --> 00:17:54,748 I guess you were right about me. 433 00:17:54,814 --> 00:17:56,484 I'm just a nobody dog. 434 00:17:56,551 --> 00:17:58,030 Well, since you're going to be laid up, 435 00:17:58,054 --> 00:17:59,658 I got you another book on tape: 436 00:17:59,724 --> 00:18:02,830 Marmaduke as read by Benicio Del Toro. 437 00:18:03,832 --> 00:18:05,244 BENICIO DEL TORO: "Marmaduke, get out of that bathtub. 438 00:18:05,268 --> 00:18:06,938 You look like a (bleep) idiot." 439 00:18:07,005 --> 00:18:08,942 Please take this off my head. 440 00:18:09,009 --> 00:18:10,546 Anyway, I just wanted to say 441 00:18:10,613 --> 00:18:12,049 that you shouldn't need a DNA report 442 00:18:12,115 --> 00:18:14,219 to know who you really are on the inside, 443 00:18:14,286 --> 00:18:16,692 so I printed out a new report for you‐‐ 444 00:18:16,758 --> 00:18:19,964 a Brian report, and here are the results. 445 00:18:20,031 --> 00:18:22,837 You're 30% beagle, 20% hound, 446 00:18:22,904 --> 00:18:26,745 15% terrible writer, 18% alcoholic, 447 00:18:26,812 --> 00:18:29,149 ten percent Snoopy and... 448 00:18:29,216 --> 00:18:31,588 two percent great guy. 449 00:18:34,093 --> 00:18:35,763 Thanks, Stewie. 450 00:18:35,830 --> 00:18:38,769 I'm ready for another Vicodin and peanut butter now. 451 00:18:42,075 --> 00:18:44,246 (beeping slowly) 452 00:18:48,254 --> 00:18:50,526 (monitor flatlines) 453 00:18:50,593 --> 00:18:53,565 Time of death: Bob. 454 00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:55,870 - 8:08. - I know numbers! 455 00:18:55,936 --> 00:18:59,243 It's just been revoked. 456 00:18:59,309 --> 00:19:01,715 I think he uses that wrong a lot. 457 00:19:01,782 --> 00:19:04,219 Come on! You got to live, damn it! I need you! 458 00:19:04,286 --> 00:19:07,159 You do have something to live for: me! 459 00:19:07,225 --> 00:19:09,096 You hate me, remember? 460 00:19:09,163 --> 00:19:11,167 Remember! 461 00:19:11,233 --> 00:19:12,746 - (blows landing) - Aren't you gonna do something? 462 00:19:12,770 --> 00:19:14,173 He's punching a dead patient. 463 00:19:14,239 --> 00:19:15,943 Oh, yeah. You're right. 464 00:19:16,010 --> 00:19:17,880 Good idea number 47: 465 00:19:17,947 --> 00:19:20,686 Fight Club, but with hospital people. 466 00:19:24,159 --> 00:19:25,596 (gasps) 467 00:19:25,663 --> 00:19:28,702 (beeping slowly) 468 00:19:28,769 --> 00:19:30,205 You... 469 00:19:30,271 --> 00:19:32,743 ♪ 470 00:19:32,810 --> 00:19:35,248 ...saved me? Why? 471 00:19:35,315 --> 00:19:36,952 Because I hate you. 472 00:19:37,018 --> 00:19:39,089 Every day, I wake up not knowing if you're gonna 473 00:19:39,156 --> 00:19:40,869 come out of nowhere and punch me in the face. 474 00:19:40,893 --> 00:19:42,830 I flinch every time a door opens. 475 00:19:42,897 --> 00:19:44,166 I look over my shoulder 476 00:19:44,233 --> 00:19:46,270 every time I bend down to tie my shoes. 477 00:19:46,337 --> 00:19:49,142 And I flip my porch light on every night before I go to bed 478 00:19:49,209 --> 00:19:51,146 just to see if you're standing there. 479 00:19:51,213 --> 00:19:53,752 Do you have any idea how exciting that is? 480 00:19:53,819 --> 00:19:56,758 So I didn't save your life because I like you. 481 00:19:56,825 --> 00:19:58,762 I saved it because... 482 00:19:58,829 --> 00:20:00,933 because I hate you. 483 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:04,139 I hate you, too, Peter Griffin. 484 00:20:04,206 --> 00:20:06,343 Also, if you die, I'll be solely responsible 485 00:20:06,410 --> 00:20:09,149 for all the destruction we've caused over the years, 486 00:20:09,216 --> 00:20:11,888 so this decision is both emotional and financial. 487 00:20:11,955 --> 00:20:14,026 You can give him his medicine now, Dr. Hartman. 488 00:20:14,092 --> 00:20:15,963 You haven't been giving him his medicine?! 489 00:20:16,030 --> 00:20:19,036 Nah, I'm scared of needles so I've been faking all my nursing. 490 00:20:21,307 --> 00:20:22,710 This guy's nuts. 491 00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:38,407 (refrigerator humming) 492 00:20:44,286 --> 00:20:47,225 (crickets chirping) 493 00:20:47,292 --> 00:20:49,296 Mmm. 494 00:20:57,546 --> 00:20:59,149 Good.