1 00:00:01,169 --> 00:00:03,440 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:03,508 --> 00:00:06,847 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:06,914 --> 00:00:10,354 ♪ But where are those good old‐fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:10,420 --> 00:00:13,360 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:13,426 --> 00:00:16,967 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,034 --> 00:00:20,173 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:20,240 --> 00:00:21,877 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:21,944 --> 00:00:23,046 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:23,113 --> 00:00:28,591 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:36,306 --> 00:00:37,842 Well, here we are. 11 00:00:37,909 --> 00:00:39,846 Time for everyone to get new shoes. 12 00:00:39,913 --> 00:00:41,482 Hi. Can I help you find something? 13 00:00:41,550 --> 00:00:42,986 What's she gonna do? 14 00:00:43,053 --> 00:00:44,532 This place doesn't even have a back room. 15 00:00:44,556 --> 00:00:46,259 All the inventory's just out on the floor 16 00:00:46,326 --> 00:00:48,096 in ceiling‐high library stacks. 17 00:00:48,163 --> 00:00:50,501 Yup, we got it, Stewie. You're better than this place. 18 00:00:50,568 --> 00:00:53,173 Yeah, I know that. I'm better than every place. 19 00:00:53,239 --> 00:00:55,545 Yes, my son needs a new pair of shoes. 20 00:00:55,612 --> 00:00:57,582 Okay, let's just see what his size is. 21 00:00:59,185 --> 00:01:01,155 Looks like a ten and a half. 22 00:01:01,222 --> 00:01:03,527 They're perfect. I'll take 'em. 23 00:01:03,594 --> 00:01:05,531 No, those aren't the shoes. 24 00:01:05,598 --> 00:01:09,071 (robotic): Do not speak in that tone to the Iron Giant. 25 00:01:09,138 --> 00:01:12,144 Must destroy shoebox city. 26 00:01:13,146 --> 00:01:15,217 Sorry. He's a little out of sorts. 27 00:01:15,283 --> 00:01:18,089 He saw a bra in the window of Lane Bryant on the way over. 28 00:01:18,156 --> 00:01:20,093 They're, um... they're pretty big. 29 00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:22,398 They are a remarkable feat of engineering. 30 00:01:22,464 --> 00:01:25,270 That and the Ferris wheel I will never understand. 31 00:01:25,337 --> 00:01:27,074 Yeah, for me, it's paper bags. 32 00:01:27,141 --> 00:01:29,045 I mean, there's a door in it, but no exit? 33 00:01:29,111 --> 00:01:31,249 - What's that about? - (laughs) 34 00:01:31,315 --> 00:01:33,119 I was serious about the bag, but, hi. 35 00:01:33,186 --> 00:01:34,455 - I'm Brian. - Holly. 36 00:01:34,523 --> 00:01:36,960 Holly... are you free on Friday night? 37 00:01:37,027 --> 00:01:39,131 Well, I don't know. Are you a shoe store murderer? 38 00:01:39,198 --> 00:01:40,935 N‐N‐No. 39 00:01:41,002 --> 00:01:42,539 There's more than you'd think. 40 00:01:42,605 --> 00:01:44,976 Like, if you were me, that's not a ridiculous question. 41 00:01:45,043 --> 00:01:46,547 See you Friday. 42 00:01:46,613 --> 00:01:48,249 Good for you, Brian. 43 00:01:48,316 --> 00:01:50,196 Maybe you can take her to the Cheesecake Factory. 44 00:01:50,220 --> 00:01:51,523 People seem to like that place. 45 00:01:52,559 --> 00:01:54,629 Did you folks find something on the menu you'd like? 46 00:01:54,696 --> 00:01:58,604 No. 110 pages, and no. 47 00:01:58,671 --> 00:02:01,275 ♪ 48 00:02:08,289 --> 00:02:10,060 - What's all this? - Oh, hey, guys. 49 00:02:10,127 --> 00:02:12,364 Uh, sadly, my Uncle Ray passed away last week, 50 00:02:12,431 --> 00:02:14,970 but he left me his vintage sports car. 51 00:02:15,036 --> 00:02:17,374 Joe, that's amazing that your uncle died. 52 00:02:17,441 --> 00:02:19,478 But I'm really sorry to hear about the car. 53 00:02:19,546 --> 00:02:21,315 He means that the other way around. 54 00:02:21,382 --> 00:02:23,486 Uncle Ray also left strict instructions 55 00:02:23,554 --> 00:02:25,591 for me to show his car at the Classic Car Show 56 00:02:25,658 --> 00:02:27,127 in Providence this weekend. 57 00:02:27,194 --> 00:02:28,496 Classic Car Show? 58 00:02:28,564 --> 00:02:30,100 Isn't that one of those gatherings 59 00:02:30,167 --> 00:02:32,104 of a bunch of guys whose penises don't work? 60 00:02:32,171 --> 00:02:35,143 Correct. Anyone with a perfectly‐restored classic car 61 00:02:35,210 --> 00:02:36,680 for sure has a bum wiener. 62 00:02:36,747 --> 00:02:38,517 Uh, he also left me everything I'd need 63 00:02:38,584 --> 00:02:42,692 to convert my garage to a 1950s‐style diner. 64 00:02:43,727 --> 00:02:47,669 See, here are all the 1950s Coke signs from the 1980s. 65 00:02:50,708 --> 00:02:52,545 Oh, cool, and a jukebox! 66 00:02:52,612 --> 00:02:54,716 Yeah, but since the songs are from the '50s 67 00:02:54,783 --> 00:02:56,485 they're all about men in their 40s 68 00:02:56,553 --> 00:02:58,389 wanting to have sex with teenagers. 69 00:02:58,456 --> 00:03:01,329 ♪ I wanna... be‐bop a teeny bopper ♪ 70 00:03:01,395 --> 00:03:03,499 ♪ At the sock hop ♪ 71 00:03:03,567 --> 00:03:06,405 ♪ Or maybe after work behind the malt shop... ♪ 72 00:03:06,472 --> 00:03:08,343 (new 1950s song intro begins) 73 00:03:08,409 --> 00:03:12,184 ♪ 13 candles ♪ 74 00:03:12,251 --> 00:03:15,357 ♪ Is probably enough... ♪ 75 00:03:15,423 --> 00:03:18,196 ♪ Nine, ten, 11‐year‐old, 12‐year‐old sex ♪ 76 00:03:18,263 --> 00:03:20,968 ♪ I'm gonna sleep with all the kids tonight! ♪ 77 00:03:21,035 --> 00:03:23,139 Joe, stop pressing buttons. 78 00:03:23,206 --> 00:03:26,279 (Somethin' Stupid" playing in distance) 79 00:03:26,345 --> 00:03:28,283 ♪ And then I go and spoil it all ♪ 80 00:03:28,349 --> 00:03:30,655 ♪ By saying somethin' stupid ♪ 81 00:03:30,721 --> 00:03:34,028 ♪ Like "I love you." ♪ 82 00:03:34,094 --> 00:03:35,397 (scattered applause) 83 00:03:35,463 --> 00:03:37,568 Boy, I forgot how great that song is. 84 00:03:37,635 --> 00:03:40,240 I know, right? It's definitely my favorite romantic love song 85 00:03:40,307 --> 00:03:41,677 sung by a father to his daughter. 86 00:03:41,743 --> 00:03:43,122 Ooh, we should put in our next song. 87 00:03:43,146 --> 00:03:44,582 Good thinking. 88 00:03:44,649 --> 00:03:46,553 Yes, we'd like to request "Witchcraft," 89 00:03:46,620 --> 00:03:49,024 as arranged by Mr. Nelson Riddle. 90 00:03:49,091 --> 00:03:50,427 (sighs) Okay, give me a minute. 91 00:03:50,493 --> 00:03:52,164 You should just know 92 00:03:52,230 --> 00:03:53,600 there's a 21st birthday party here, 93 00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:56,072 and you're ruining it for them. 94 00:03:58,343 --> 00:04:00,113 Wow. 3:00 a. m. 95 00:04:00,180 --> 00:04:02,384 We practically shut the place down. 96 00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:05,558 And quite a night. We got to sing two songs. 97 00:04:05,624 --> 00:04:07,294 Do you mind if I kiss you? 98 00:04:07,361 --> 00:04:10,066 Actually, I should chew some gum first. 99 00:04:10,133 --> 00:04:11,636 I had bologna for dinner. 100 00:04:11,703 --> 00:04:13,206 Get over here. 101 00:04:13,272 --> 00:04:15,276 (both moaning) 102 00:04:17,114 --> 00:04:19,218 Oh, yeah, that's good kiss bologna. 103 00:04:22,725 --> 00:04:24,763 Oh, hey, guys, what's the word? 104 00:04:24,829 --> 00:04:27,401 Uh, bird. Bird is the word. 105 00:04:27,467 --> 00:04:29,271 But we were wondering if you'd take us 106 00:04:29,338 --> 00:04:30,775 for a spin in your new car. 107 00:04:30,841 --> 00:04:32,745 Yeah, that's a great idea. Hop in. 108 00:04:35,316 --> 00:04:39,191 Vroom! Vroom! Vroom! Vroom! 109 00:04:39,258 --> 00:04:42,765 (imitates clicking, engine revving) 110 00:04:42,832 --> 00:04:45,638 (imitates gear shifting) 111 00:04:45,704 --> 00:04:47,474 Uh, what‐what... what's happening right now? 112 00:04:47,542 --> 00:04:50,581 Close your eyes, gang, as we hit the Kancamagus Highway. 113 00:04:50,648 --> 00:04:52,317 Just four miles to Mount Washington. 114 00:04:52,384 --> 00:04:53,821 What the hell are you doing, Joe? 115 00:04:53,887 --> 00:04:55,558 We want to go for a real drive. 116 00:04:55,624 --> 00:04:57,762 This is a real drive. Just imagine it. 117 00:04:57,829 --> 00:04:59,833 Feel that New Hampshire air. 118 00:04:59,899 --> 00:05:02,237 Joe, we're not in New Hampshire. We're in your driveway. 119 00:05:02,304 --> 00:05:04,609 Oh, great, some knucklehead is tailgating us. 120 00:05:04,676 --> 00:05:06,513 What's the hurry, pal? 121 00:05:06,580 --> 00:05:09,118 Oh, I see so many birds. 122 00:05:09,184 --> 00:05:11,623 Well, we're in a tunnel, so I'm not sure how that's possible. 123 00:05:11,690 --> 00:05:13,527 Joe, stop this car right now. 124 00:05:13,594 --> 00:05:15,798 - The car is stopped. - (imitates gears grinding) 125 00:05:15,865 --> 00:05:17,768 (sighs) Always have trouble finding third. 126 00:05:17,835 --> 00:05:20,073 (imitates brake squeaking) Okay, what's up? 127 00:05:20,140 --> 00:05:22,310 You got this amazing car. Why can't we take it out? 128 00:05:22,377 --> 00:05:23,780 Well, ever since I was nine, 129 00:05:23,847 --> 00:05:25,426 I've dreamed of driving this car someday. 130 00:05:25,450 --> 00:05:27,287 But I'm not allowed. It's in my uncle's will. 131 00:05:27,354 --> 00:05:28,757 Even when I take it to the car show, 132 00:05:28,824 --> 00:05:30,426 I have to put it up on a trailer. 133 00:05:30,493 --> 00:05:32,430 Malcolm in the Middle, five nights a week 134 00:05:32,497 --> 00:05:35,103 on Manchester's Channel 12. 135 00:05:35,170 --> 00:05:36,716 Cleveland, stop reading fake billboards. 136 00:05:36,740 --> 00:05:38,510 Now if you'll excuse me, 137 00:05:38,577 --> 00:05:43,152 I'm off to taste the delights of downtown Nashua. 138 00:05:43,219 --> 00:05:44,522 I don't care what Joe says. 139 00:05:44,589 --> 00:05:46,626 This is too nice a car not to drive it. 140 00:05:46,693 --> 00:05:49,532 Are you suggesting we take it out without telling Joe? 141 00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:51,202 He's left us no choice. 142 00:05:51,268 --> 00:05:53,439 I can't just sit in a car and pretend to drive, 143 00:05:53,507 --> 00:05:55,210 like‐like I had to pretend to be impressed 144 00:05:55,276 --> 00:05:57,882 by Quagmire's new big, green grill. 145 00:05:57,949 --> 00:05:59,852 This is the largest high‐performance 146 00:05:59,919 --> 00:06:01,756 ceramic cooker available, Peter. 147 00:06:01,823 --> 00:06:04,428 - NSF Certified. - Ah, yeah, cool. 148 00:06:04,494 --> 00:06:06,542 I'm starving. When do we... when do we fire this thing up? 149 00:06:06,566 --> 00:06:09,672 (laughing): Fire‐fire this thing up? 150 00:06:09,739 --> 00:06:12,344 Get a load of this guy. You don't just fire it up. 151 00:06:12,410 --> 00:06:14,181 You slowly bring it to temperature. 152 00:06:14,248 --> 00:06:15,517 (sighs) Okay. 153 00:06:15,584 --> 00:06:17,187 When do we put the burgers on? 154 00:06:17,254 --> 00:06:19,659 B‐B‐Burgers? Are you hearing this? 155 00:06:19,726 --> 00:06:23,132 You don't put burgers on a grill of this quality, Peter. 156 00:06:23,199 --> 00:06:25,804 I've been brining a heritage breed chicken for three days. 157 00:06:25,871 --> 00:06:27,708 (sighs) Then can we put that on? 158 00:06:27,775 --> 00:06:29,879 Yes. At midnight, when it's reached temperature. 159 00:06:29,946 --> 00:06:31,683 Then why am I here now? 160 00:06:31,750 --> 00:06:34,722 Because I need your help to move the grill a single inch. 161 00:06:34,789 --> 00:06:36,793 (both grunting) 162 00:06:38,229 --> 00:06:40,400 (sighs) Well, let's just listen to music 163 00:06:40,466 --> 00:06:42,571 on my high‐end stereo system. 164 00:06:42,638 --> 00:06:44,408 Nice. Let's crank it. 165 00:06:44,474 --> 00:06:46,546 (laughing): C‐C‐Crank it? 166 00:06:46,613 --> 00:06:48,182 You hear this clown? 167 00:06:48,249 --> 00:06:49,819 I only use it to listen to podcasts. 168 00:06:49,886 --> 00:06:51,690 MAN: Today on The Moth, 169 00:06:51,756 --> 00:06:54,962 how a single pair of shoes reunited two sisters. 170 00:07:00,607 --> 00:07:02,344 So, big date, huh? 171 00:07:02,410 --> 00:07:04,381 You must really like this girl. 172 00:07:04,448 --> 00:07:07,655 Honestly, I think Holly could be... the one. 173 00:07:07,722 --> 00:07:10,894 Brian, you strike me as a very selfless lover. 174 00:07:10,961 --> 00:07:13,900 Is that true? Are you a selfless lover? 175 00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,738 Stop saying "selfless lover." 176 00:07:15,804 --> 00:07:17,684 Have you been reading Lois' romance novels again? 177 00:07:17,708 --> 00:07:19,579 A few, but I'm just saying I bet 178 00:07:19,645 --> 00:07:23,252 your coital congress will send Holly into paroxysms of ecstasy. 179 00:07:23,319 --> 00:07:25,591 - Knock it off. - What? I'm being supportive. 180 00:07:25,657 --> 00:07:27,360 After all, confidence will help you 181 00:07:27,427 --> 00:07:29,766 maintain optimal stamina during your lovemaking. 182 00:07:29,832 --> 00:07:31,770 - That's enough. - Have it your way, Brian. 183 00:07:31,836 --> 00:07:36,211 I myself am a student of the pleasures of the flesh. 184 00:07:36,278 --> 00:07:39,484 (slurping) 185 00:07:40,988 --> 00:07:44,194 Listen to your lover, Brian. 186 00:07:49,839 --> 00:07:51,308 (stomach gurgling) 187 00:07:51,375 --> 00:07:52,745 Ugh, damn it. Anxiety dump. 188 00:07:52,812 --> 00:07:54,749 (stomach gurgling) 189 00:07:54,816 --> 00:07:57,955 ‐(unzips) ‐Ah, that's better. 190 00:08:08,008 --> 00:08:11,248 Oh, uh, is‐is Holly here? 191 00:08:11,315 --> 00:08:13,720 You must be the new jerk my mom is dating. 192 00:08:13,787 --> 00:08:15,624 Uh, and you must be the kid 193 00:08:15,691 --> 00:08:16,993 she never told me about. 194 00:08:20,868 --> 00:08:23,372 I host Family Guy repeats in Germany. 195 00:08:23,439 --> 00:08:24,952 GERMAN ANNOUNCER: German Family Guy is brought to you 196 00:08:24,976 --> 00:08:27,548 by rail‐thin men in Internet pornos going, 197 00:08:27,615 --> 00:08:29,719 "Ooh‐aah, ooh‐aah, ooh‐aah!" 198 00:08:36,365 --> 00:08:38,603 I'm sorry I never told you I had a son. 199 00:08:38,670 --> 00:08:40,006 Some guys get scared off. 200 00:08:40,072 --> 00:08:41,843 No, no, that‐that's great. 201 00:08:41,910 --> 00:08:43,345 I'm‐I'm terrific with kids. 202 00:08:43,412 --> 00:08:44,682 I actually have a kid. 203 00:08:44,749 --> 00:08:46,853 Aw, that's sweet. How old is he? 204 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:49,491 Uh, I don't know. How long ago was Ratatouille? 205 00:08:49,559 --> 00:08:51,037 Well, I'm gonna go finish getting ready. 206 00:08:51,061 --> 00:08:53,767 Why don't you guys get to know each other a little? 207 00:08:58,944 --> 00:09:02,751 So, uh, is there a dad that you spend weeks of your time with? 208 00:09:02,818 --> 00:09:04,655 My dad moved to Florida. 209 00:09:04,722 --> 00:09:07,661 Sounds right. What, um... what grade are you in, bud? 210 00:09:07,728 --> 00:09:09,799 - Second. - You don't say. 211 00:09:09,865 --> 00:09:12,046 Boy, I bet things are different than they were in my day. 212 00:09:12,070 --> 00:09:13,974 Lot of school shootings now. 213 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:16,311 ‐What?! ‐Oh, no. No, no, I... No, I just meant... 214 00:09:16,378 --> 00:09:18,449 Like‐like, people bring guns to school? 215 00:09:18,516 --> 00:09:19,986 What? No, no, I'm‐I'm not saying... 216 00:09:20,052 --> 00:09:21,656 And they just shoot kids?! 217 00:09:21,723 --> 00:09:23,459 Well, you can hide under your desk. 218 00:09:23,526 --> 00:09:25,797 The desks won't be enough! (crying) 219 00:09:25,864 --> 00:09:27,868 All set. You guys getting along? 220 00:09:27,935 --> 00:09:30,607 Yup, just great. All right, let's go eat at a waffle house, 221 00:09:30,674 --> 00:09:33,045 and then I'll show you all my bow‐hunting carcasses. 222 00:09:33,112 --> 00:09:35,517 That sounds like a perfectly normal date. 223 00:09:38,556 --> 00:09:40,393 ♪ 224 00:09:46,104 --> 00:09:47,641 Okay, I got a perfect way 225 00:09:47,708 --> 00:09:49,745 to distract Joe while we take his car. 226 00:09:49,812 --> 00:09:53,520 There's literally no phone survey he won't take. 227 00:09:53,586 --> 00:09:55,423 ‐(phone ringing) ‐Hello? 228 00:09:55,489 --> 00:09:57,026 Yes, Joe Swanson? 229 00:09:57,093 --> 00:09:58,763 On a scale of one to ten, 230 00:09:58,830 --> 00:10:01,435 how happy are you with your Wi‐Fi service? 231 00:10:01,502 --> 00:10:05,944 Well, I'd say it's Wi‐Fine. (chuckles) 232 00:10:06,011 --> 00:10:07,514 I came up with that ten months ago 233 00:10:07,581 --> 00:10:09,785 in anticipation of this very call. 234 00:10:09,852 --> 00:10:11,923 Ha. Terrific. And would you be willing 235 00:10:11,989 --> 00:10:13,727 to take a half‐hour survey 236 00:10:13,793 --> 00:10:16,766 in your far upstairs bedroom while facing the wall? 237 00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:19,437 Also, how loud does your TV get? 238 00:10:19,505 --> 00:10:21,909 BONNIE: Don't be long, Joe! I'm expecting a call. 239 00:10:21,976 --> 00:10:24,047 I'll take the time I need! 240 00:10:24,114 --> 00:10:26,151 This is the Wi‐Fi call. 241 00:10:26,218 --> 00:10:28,489 (engine starts) 242 00:10:28,556 --> 00:10:30,961 Great job hot‐wiring the car, Cleveland. 243 00:10:31,027 --> 00:10:32,631 The key was in the ashtray, 244 00:10:32,698 --> 00:10:35,504 but your presumption will not be forgotten. 245 00:10:35,570 --> 00:10:37,574 (engine revving) 246 00:10:43,152 --> 00:10:45,991 (sighs) You know, you're the Cub Scout. 247 00:10:46,057 --> 00:10:48,630 We're supposed to be making this Pinewood Derby car together. 248 00:10:48,696 --> 00:10:49,999 I don't care. 249 00:10:50,065 --> 00:10:53,873 Hey, you're one kid, and we're four kids, 250 00:10:53,940 --> 00:10:56,211 - so we're gonna bully you. - (grunts) 251 00:10:56,278 --> 00:10:57,514 Knock it off. 252 00:10:57,581 --> 00:10:59,184 Or what, Kyle‐Kyle‐Dog‐Poop‐Pile? 253 00:10:59,250 --> 00:11:01,188 Hey, guys? Let's take it easy 254 00:11:01,254 --> 00:11:04,995 and maybe not use canine feces as a taunt. That's hurtful. 255 00:11:05,062 --> 00:11:06,732 What? (chuckles) 256 00:11:06,799 --> 00:11:09,572 He's just saying that Kyle's a little baby 257 00:11:09,638 --> 00:11:12,611 who's too stupid to even know how to stand up for himself. 258 00:11:12,678 --> 00:11:14,949 What are you gonna do, baby‐‐ cry? 259 00:11:15,015 --> 00:11:16,484 ‐(growling) ‐(screaming) 260 00:11:16,552 --> 00:11:18,623 Let go of me! Stop! 261 00:11:18,690 --> 00:11:20,192 - You're crazy! - You leave him alone! 262 00:11:20,259 --> 00:11:22,496 (barking) 263 00:11:23,533 --> 00:11:25,871 Whoa. Thanks, Brian. 264 00:11:25,937 --> 00:11:28,643 Nobody's ever stood up for me like that before. 265 00:11:28,710 --> 00:11:30,881 Well, I think my instincts just kicked in. 266 00:11:30,947 --> 00:11:32,718 Want to help me sand your car? 267 00:11:32,784 --> 00:11:35,122 Yeah. Definitely. 268 00:11:37,694 --> 00:11:39,230 Animal control? 269 00:11:39,297 --> 00:11:42,905 I'd like to schedule an emergency neutering. 270 00:11:42,971 --> 00:11:44,975 ♪ 271 00:11:47,146 --> 00:11:49,652 Man, I can't get over how old‐timey 272 00:11:49,718 --> 00:11:50,921 everything in this car is. 273 00:11:50,987 --> 00:11:52,925 I know. Check out what's on the radio. 274 00:11:52,991 --> 00:11:54,929 NEWSWMAN: President Kennedy has been shot. 275 00:11:54,995 --> 00:11:57,534 NEWSMAN 2: The martians are now traveling to New Jersey. 276 00:11:57,601 --> 00:11:59,538 MAN: ♪ Beatles song, Beatles song ♪ 277 00:11:59,605 --> 00:12:02,109 ♪ La, la, la, la, la. ♪ 278 00:12:02,176 --> 00:12:04,548 Ah, that last one brings back a lot of memories. 279 00:12:04,615 --> 00:12:06,519 Wow, this baby handles like a dream. 280 00:12:06,585 --> 00:12:08,556 Do you guys mind if I drive with my knees 281 00:12:08,623 --> 00:12:12,163 while I make some last‐minute fantasy football changes? 282 00:12:12,229 --> 00:12:13,700 - Look out! - (tires screeching) 283 00:12:15,704 --> 00:12:18,141 - Oh, my God! - Holy crap! 284 00:12:18,208 --> 00:12:20,647 Aw, man, Joe is gonna be so pissed. 285 00:12:20,714 --> 00:12:22,751 Thank God all we hit were those trash cans. 286 00:12:22,818 --> 00:12:24,989 Oh, my God. Oscar! 287 00:12:27,961 --> 00:12:31,702 (grunts) Tell my ex‐wife... 288 00:12:31,769 --> 00:12:34,007 to go (bleep) herself. 289 00:12:35,009 --> 00:12:36,779 Very on‐brand. 290 00:12:36,846 --> 00:12:38,850 Right up to the end. 291 00:12:43,659 --> 00:12:45,806 Thank you so much for having Kyle and me over for dinner. 292 00:12:45,830 --> 00:12:47,734 Everything is delicious, Mrs. Griffin. 293 00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:50,072 Well, I wasn't sure what a divorcée eats, 294 00:12:50,139 --> 00:12:52,076 so I just assumed fried things. 295 00:12:52,143 --> 00:12:53,646 No, that's perfect. 296 00:12:53,713 --> 00:12:56,317 What about this guy? Did he help with any of the cooking? 297 00:12:56,384 --> 00:12:58,623 Brian is not allowed to touch communal food 298 00:12:58,689 --> 00:13:00,627 because his feet smell like the street. 299 00:13:00,693 --> 00:13:03,098 I like when you measured my feet at the store, 300 00:13:03,165 --> 00:13:04,735 Brian's girlfriend. 301 00:13:04,802 --> 00:13:07,607 Well, it... it was my pleasure, Chris. 302 00:13:07,674 --> 00:13:10,847 I'm not actually sure if my shoes fit right now. 303 00:13:10,914 --> 00:13:12,951 Um, could you do that thing 304 00:13:13,018 --> 00:13:16,291 where you push your thumb on my big toe? 305 00:13:16,357 --> 00:13:18,963 Chris, you're within six years of the same age 306 00:13:19,030 --> 00:13:21,735 as this kid you've never met and have nothing in common with. 307 00:13:21,802 --> 00:13:23,138 Why don't you go up to your room 308 00:13:23,205 --> 00:13:25,109 and have an awkward time together. 309 00:13:25,175 --> 00:13:27,747 Um, okay. Want to go upstairs 310 00:13:27,814 --> 00:13:30,820 and accidentally break one of my toys and I'll hit you? 311 00:13:30,887 --> 00:13:32,022 I guess. 312 00:13:33,024 --> 00:13:34,828 CHRIS: Hey, don't touch that! 313 00:13:34,895 --> 00:13:36,064 ‐(thud) ‐(slap) 314 00:13:36,131 --> 00:13:39,838 Mom! He blocked my punch and hit me! 315 00:13:39,905 --> 00:13:41,341 I knew they'd get along. 316 00:13:41,407 --> 00:13:44,615 You know, Kyle and I actually have to get going anyway, 317 00:13:44,681 --> 00:13:46,919 but thanks so much. 318 00:13:46,986 --> 00:13:48,689 Hey, Holly, before you go, 319 00:13:48,756 --> 00:13:50,627 settle an argument between me and my wife. 320 00:13:50,693 --> 00:13:53,799 When measuring yourself, what do you count as the base? 321 00:13:53,866 --> 00:13:56,037 - Peter. - What? She measures stuff for a living. 322 00:13:56,104 --> 00:13:59,645 Let me start by saying I am taint inclusive. 323 00:13:59,711 --> 00:14:02,651 All right, I like where this is heading. 324 00:14:02,717 --> 00:14:03,917 Well, thanks again for coming. 325 00:14:03,953 --> 00:14:05,289 Oh, hey, you know, I was thinking 326 00:14:05,355 --> 00:14:08,061 we could take Kyle to Bob's Funland on Saturday. 327 00:14:08,128 --> 00:14:09,998 Oh. Really? 328 00:14:10,065 --> 00:14:12,671 Yeah, I have to go there to buy Adderall anyway, so I thought... 329 00:14:12,737 --> 00:14:15,777 Brian, stop. I just... We can't go. 330 00:14:15,843 --> 00:14:19,016 - What? Why? - Honestly, I've been thinking... 331 00:14:19,083 --> 00:14:20,653 STEWIE: Uh‐oh! 332 00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:22,022 Wh... W‐What are you saying? 333 00:14:22,089 --> 00:14:24,628 Well, Brian, I'm still young. 334 00:14:24,695 --> 00:14:26,331 STEWIE: Oh, she's saying you're not. 335 00:14:26,397 --> 00:14:28,636 And the truth is I'd like to date other people. 336 00:14:28,703 --> 00:14:30,773 STEWIE (chuckles): Oh, nail, meet coffin. 337 00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:32,877 In fact, my old boyfriend is single again, 338 00:14:32,944 --> 00:14:35,048 and he happens to be a very selfless lover. 339 00:14:35,115 --> 00:14:36,351 STEWIE: Dude, I told you. 340 00:14:36,417 --> 00:14:38,823 But I‐if we break up, 341 00:14:38,889 --> 00:14:41,227 does that mean I won't get to see Kyle, either? 342 00:14:42,897 --> 00:14:44,901 I guess not. 343 00:14:48,275 --> 00:14:50,145 I'm sorry, Brian. 344 00:14:50,212 --> 00:14:52,784 ♪ 345 00:15:00,299 --> 00:15:02,202 Touch my feet! 346 00:15:02,269 --> 00:15:05,008 - Touch my feet! - Aah! 347 00:15:14,728 --> 00:15:16,799 (sighs) 348 00:15:17,801 --> 00:15:20,807 (sighs) 349 00:15:35,770 --> 00:15:39,443 - Oh. Hey, Stewie. - Hey... you. 350 00:15:39,511 --> 00:15:41,949 - Feeling down? - Yeah. 351 00:15:42,015 --> 00:15:44,186 Ah, don't worry about Holly. 352 00:15:44,253 --> 00:15:46,224 "There are other fish in the sea" 353 00:15:46,290 --> 00:15:48,963 is what is usually said at a time like this. 354 00:15:49,029 --> 00:15:52,069 - That's the thing. It's not even Holly. - Ugh. There's more? 355 00:15:52,136 --> 00:15:54,908 I mean, the person I actually miss hanging out with is Kyle. 356 00:15:54,975 --> 00:15:56,477 We'd formed a real connection, 357 00:15:56,545 --> 00:15:59,450 and I sort of liked being a father figure to him. 358 00:15:59,518 --> 00:16:02,022 That's... that's nice, Brian. 359 00:16:02,089 --> 00:16:04,260 Kyle and I had actual fun together. 360 00:16:04,326 --> 00:16:05,863 I mean, most kids suck. 361 00:16:05,930 --> 00:16:08,067 They just want to sit around and play Candy Land. 362 00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:11,007 ‐Yeah. Hell of a game. ‐No, it's not. Candy Land is terrible. 363 00:16:11,073 --> 00:16:12,409 There's not even any skill to it. 364 00:16:12,476 --> 00:16:14,948 Uh, okay. Um, you know what, Brian? 365 00:16:15,015 --> 00:16:16,417 You're hurt right now, 366 00:16:16,484 --> 00:16:18,889 and you're‐you're saying things that you don't mean. 367 00:16:18,956 --> 00:16:21,260 But listen, if you miss Kyle that much, 368 00:16:21,327 --> 00:16:24,033 - you should go find him. - Thanks. Maybe I will. 369 00:16:24,099 --> 00:16:25,344 Just hope he doesn't want to play 370 00:16:25,368 --> 00:16:26,939 some stupid game like Go Fish. 371 00:16:27,005 --> 00:16:28,976 Go Fish is a thinking man's game 372 00:16:29,043 --> 00:16:30,880 of inquiry and consequence. You know what? 373 00:16:30,947 --> 00:16:33,194 You know, I‐I don't... I don't have to explain myself to you. 374 00:16:33,218 --> 00:16:35,222 Go‐go on. Go find your kid. 375 00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:42,045 Damn it, what the hell are we gonna do? 376 00:16:42,069 --> 00:16:44,306 - Joe's gonna be furious. - Relax, Quagmire. 377 00:16:44,373 --> 00:16:46,143 From what I know about car accidents, 378 00:16:46,210 --> 00:16:48,782 you can total your car, completely walk away from it 379 00:16:48,849 --> 00:16:50,185 and still be Caitlyn Jenner. 380 00:16:50,252 --> 00:16:52,991 Besides, I'm pretty sure I can pound this out. 381 00:16:56,163 --> 00:16:57,466 What the hell are you doing? 382 00:16:57,534 --> 00:17:00,372 - Crap, Joe's gonna kill us. - Quagmire's right. 383 00:17:00,438 --> 00:17:03,244 Remember how upset he got when they canceled Psych? 384 00:17:03,311 --> 00:17:04,480 (crying) 385 00:17:04,548 --> 00:17:06,417 Now who's gonna expose charlatans 386 00:17:06,484 --> 00:17:10,191 by pretending to be psychic in the greater Santa Barbara area? 387 00:17:15,035 --> 00:17:17,239 Oh, my God. 388 00:17:19,143 --> 00:17:21,013 What? What is this? 389 00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:23,184 Is this Ferris Bueller? 390 00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:25,990 Yeah, it's Ferris Bueller. 391 00:17:26,057 --> 00:17:28,361 Hundred percent on Ferris Buell Ferris Bueller. 392 00:17:28,428 --> 00:17:31,334 Well, I'm glad we got that settled. 393 00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,839 It's Fast Times at Ridgemont High, you idiot! 394 00:17:33,906 --> 00:17:36,010 Joe, we all watched it a week ago. 395 00:17:36,077 --> 00:17:39,383 Oh, yeah. You know, I enjoy movies while I'm watching them, 396 00:17:39,450 --> 00:17:41,989 but the second they're over, I can't remember a thing. 397 00:17:42,055 --> 00:17:43,324 Except Forrest Gump. 398 00:17:43,391 --> 00:17:45,271 (imitating Forrest Gump): "Try one of my candies. 399 00:17:45,295 --> 00:17:48,001 It'll tell you about life." 400 00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:50,573 (chuckles) I can't forget that beauty. 401 00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:52,510 But what happened to my car?! 402 00:17:52,577 --> 00:17:53,979 We're really sorry, Joe. 403 00:17:54,046 --> 00:17:56,518 We took it without asking and wrecked it. 404 00:17:56,585 --> 00:17:58,254 I like When Harry Met Sally... 405 00:17:58,321 --> 00:18:01,995 "I'll have the food what made that lady came." 406 00:18:02,062 --> 00:18:03,866 You guys ruined my uncle's car. 407 00:18:03,932 --> 00:18:05,970 We're so sorry, Joe. 408 00:18:06,037 --> 00:18:09,109 - It's okay. I'm not mad. - You're not? 409 00:18:09,176 --> 00:18:11,313 No. In fact, uh, 410 00:18:11,380 --> 00:18:13,317 all I feel is relief. 411 00:18:13,384 --> 00:18:16,190 Caring for a car like that requires round the clock effort. 412 00:18:16,257 --> 00:18:18,217 Do you know how much of a pain in the ass that is? 413 00:18:18,261 --> 00:18:19,329 BONNIE: Yes! 414 00:18:19,396 --> 00:18:20,609 I mean, cars are meant to be driven, 415 00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:22,069 not kept in a garage. 416 00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:25,241 But it's too late now. I mean, look at it. 417 00:18:25,308 --> 00:18:28,214 I couldn't drive this car even if I wanted to. 418 00:18:29,249 --> 00:18:31,521 I'm not so sure about that. 419 00:18:31,588 --> 00:18:32,588 ♪ 420 00:18:32,824 --> 00:18:35,930 I'm doing it! I'm doing it! This is awesome! 421 00:18:35,996 --> 00:18:37,265 I'm really d... Oh, 422 00:18:37,332 --> 00:18:39,236 stop sign, Quagmire, stop sign! 423 00:18:39,303 --> 00:18:41,073 (tires screech) 424 00:18:41,140 --> 00:18:44,547 Joe's legs are, um... colder than I expected. 425 00:18:44,614 --> 00:18:46,417 No blood. 426 00:18:53,297 --> 00:18:54,934 (indistinct chatter) 427 00:19:00,980 --> 00:19:02,249 (cheering) 428 00:19:04,988 --> 00:19:07,058 Brian, you made it! 429 00:19:07,125 --> 00:19:09,429 - Hey, buddy. - What are you doing here? 430 00:19:09,496 --> 00:19:12,202 Holly, I was a terrible dad with my own son, 431 00:19:12,269 --> 00:19:15,041 but I feel like I've made a true connection with Kyle. 432 00:19:15,108 --> 00:19:16,511 Whoa, did you earn a ribbon? 433 00:19:16,578 --> 00:19:19,283 No, it's a bookmark with a Bible verse on it. 434 00:19:19,349 --> 00:19:20,619 The priest was giving them out. 435 00:19:20,686 --> 00:19:23,090 Oh. Weird. Well, how'd our car do? 436 00:19:23,157 --> 00:19:25,930 Second to last. But I don't care. 437 00:19:25,996 --> 00:19:28,034 I had so much fun making it with you. 438 00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:29,604 Me too, Kyle. 439 00:19:29,671 --> 00:19:31,942 (whistle blows) 440 00:19:32,008 --> 00:19:33,645 Okay, thanks for a great event, everyone, 441 00:19:33,712 --> 00:19:35,215 but we need to clear out. 442 00:19:35,281 --> 00:19:37,385 There's a sex offender meeting in ten minutes, 443 00:19:37,452 --> 00:19:39,389 and we can't have any overlap. 444 00:19:39,456 --> 00:19:42,395 Thank you, Brian. It was sweet of you to come. 445 00:19:52,349 --> 00:19:57,359 Say, Brian, what are you doing Saturday night? 446 00:20:03,204 --> 00:20:04,974 Hi. I'm almost ready. 447 00:20:05,041 --> 00:20:07,245 Great. 448 00:20:09,216 --> 00:20:12,623 - How you doing, champ? - (knocking) 449 00:20:14,594 --> 00:20:16,564 Okay, Cliff and I should be back by midnight. 450 00:20:16,631 --> 00:20:18,669 I left money for you two to order a pizza. 451 00:20:18,735 --> 00:20:20,104 Sounds perfect. 452 00:20:21,273 --> 00:20:22,586 All right, Kyle, what do you say you and me 453 00:20:22,610 --> 00:20:24,747 watch some Stranger Things? 454 00:20:24,814 --> 00:20:28,087 MORGAN FREEMAN: Brian made Kyle bread and butter, 455 00:20:28,154 --> 00:20:31,060 and kept the pizza money. 456 00:20:37,472 --> 00:20:40,411 Ich bin froh, dass alles wieder normal ist. 457 00:20:40,478 --> 00:20:42,616 Tut mir leid wegen deinem Auto, Joe. 458 00:20:42,683 --> 00:20:44,119 Es ist in Ordnung. 459 00:20:44,186 --> 00:20:46,558 Wo ist nun Jerome mit den wiener? 460 00:20:46,624 --> 00:20:49,196 (giggles) Wiener. 461 00:20:58,147 --> 00:20:59,149 Guten nacht, 462 00:20:59,216 --> 00:21:01,420 von das Disney Corporation.