1 00:00:02,506 --> 00:00:04,643 ♪ It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:04,710 --> 00:00:07,782 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,849 --> 00:00:11,222 ♪ But where are those good old‐fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,289 --> 00:00:14,362 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,428 --> 00:00:18,270 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,336 --> 00:00:21,409 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,476 --> 00:00:23,013 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,079 --> 00:00:24,415 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,482 --> 00:00:30,227 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:34,870 --> 00:00:38,376 Quahog's own poet laureate comes to the set 11 00:00:38,443 --> 00:00:41,382 and graces us with her... Oh, God, that's tonight? 12 00:00:41,449 --> 00:00:42,919 Hey, Jerome, turn on the game. 13 00:00:42,986 --> 00:00:44,790 Sorry, guys, cable's out. 14 00:00:44,856 --> 00:00:47,394 We're only getting local stations. 15 00:00:47,461 --> 00:00:49,933 Oh, what, so now we got to talk sports to pass the time? 16 00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:52,772 Or maybe watch Gilmore Girls. 17 00:00:52,839 --> 00:00:55,043 Just as, like, a goof. 18 00:00:55,110 --> 00:00:56,947 You know, if you want to talk sports, 19 00:00:57,014 --> 00:00:58,651 I've got quite a story to tell. 20 00:00:58,718 --> 00:01:01,422 Oh! Oh! This is the one where Lorelai's mom makes 21 00:01:01,489 --> 00:01:03,426 her martini with an onion instead of an olive. 22 00:01:03,493 --> 00:01:05,565 Boy, that's a passive‐aggressive move. 23 00:01:05,632 --> 00:01:07,736 If you knew her mom, you'd know that's 24 00:01:07,802 --> 00:01:09,305 a passive‐aggressive move. 25 00:01:09,372 --> 00:01:11,376 It all started when I was a young boy... 26 00:01:11,442 --> 00:01:13,881 Last chance on this Gilmore Girls thing. 27 00:01:13,948 --> 00:01:15,952 I was a baseball prodigy. 28 00:01:16,019 --> 00:01:17,856 It was back home in the Cuban league. 29 00:01:17,922 --> 00:01:22,064 I grew up working in the tobacco fields outside of Havana. 30 00:01:22,131 --> 00:01:24,836 That's where I learned to play baseball. 31 00:01:24,903 --> 00:01:28,511 Our mitts were made of cigars, some of them still going. 32 00:01:28,577 --> 00:01:31,717 All right! Ha! All right, I caught it! 33 00:01:31,784 --> 00:01:34,623 At night I drove a cab. 34 00:01:34,690 --> 00:01:37,595 We all had to drive huge cars there. 35 00:01:37,662 --> 00:01:40,367 I was just a regular young man wearing pants 36 00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:41,970 that went above my belly button. 37 00:01:42,037 --> 00:01:44,241 Pull your pants up. 38 00:01:46,613 --> 00:01:49,018 When I was nine, my father took me 39 00:01:49,085 --> 00:01:51,456 to my first baseball game. 40 00:01:51,523 --> 00:01:54,796 Fidel Castro was there to throw out the first pitch. 41 00:01:54,863 --> 00:01:57,535 He was wearing the same outfit as always. 42 00:01:57,602 --> 00:02:00,407 Later we would find out he had a fashion disease 43 00:02:00,474 --> 00:02:03,079 known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. 44 00:02:03,146 --> 00:02:05,317 We would write more jokes about him, 45 00:02:05,383 --> 00:02:07,989 but our dumb‐dumb writers only know what he looks like. 46 00:02:08,056 --> 00:02:10,060 Strike! 47 00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:15,772 We all worshipped Che Guevara. 48 00:02:15,838 --> 00:02:18,711 Although none of us really knew what side he was on. 49 00:02:18,778 --> 00:02:19,813 Thank you? 50 00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:22,384 But we knew he'd make a great poster 51 00:02:22,451 --> 00:02:24,823 in college dorm rooms someday. 52 00:02:24,890 --> 00:02:28,163 Please rise for the Cuban National Anthem. 53 00:02:31,970 --> 00:02:35,511 In Cuba, we hated America so much, 54 00:02:35,578 --> 00:02:37,582 we copied everything they did. 55 00:02:37,649 --> 00:02:40,120 And died trying to get there. 56 00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:49,438 Castro said there were CIA 57 00:02:49,506 --> 00:02:52,512 all over our island, but I never saw any. 58 00:02:59,926 --> 00:03:02,431 Yeah! Ha‐ha! All right! 59 00:03:02,497 --> 00:03:06,405 But from that day on, I fell in love with baseball. 60 00:03:06,472 --> 00:03:09,144 I dreamed of one day playing in the big leagues, 61 00:03:09,211 --> 00:03:12,017 so I signed up for a montage to get better. 62 00:03:23,908 --> 00:03:26,780 I was at the top of my game. 63 00:03:26,847 --> 00:03:29,819 I didn't even need the full montage. 64 00:03:31,556 --> 00:03:35,030 I was even recruited to play on Cuba's national team, 65 00:03:35,096 --> 00:03:36,566 the Gooding Juniors. 66 00:03:36,633 --> 00:03:38,971 Tonight, the Cuba Gooding Juniors 67 00:03:39,038 --> 00:03:41,610 take on the Haiti Joel Osments! 68 00:03:41,677 --> 00:03:43,881 We tried to play, but it was difficult 69 00:03:43,948 --> 00:03:47,087 because hurricane season was February through January. 70 00:03:50,628 --> 00:03:53,232 Every time, a hurricane would sweep through, 71 00:03:53,299 --> 00:03:55,236 decimating the island, causing hundreds 72 00:03:55,303 --> 00:03:56,673 of dollars worth of damage. 73 00:03:56,740 --> 00:03:57,642 Aah! 74 00:03:57,709 --> 00:04:00,915 Under Castro, every male over the age of 18 75 00:04:00,982 --> 00:04:04,355 was required to serve two years as a band leader. 76 00:04:06,994 --> 00:04:10,735 ♪ Babaloo‐oo‐oo ♪ 77 00:04:11,536 --> 00:04:15,110 ♪ Babaloo‐oo‐oo ♪ 78 00:04:15,176 --> 00:04:17,749 ♪ Jungo ♪ 79 00:04:17,815 --> 00:04:22,157 ♪ Oo‐oo‐oo ♪ 80 00:04:22,224 --> 00:04:24,963 ♪ Babaloo ♪ 81 00:04:28,704 --> 00:04:33,079 ♪ Ta empezando lo velorio ♪ 82 00:04:33,146 --> 00:04:38,089 ♪ Que le hacemo a babalu. ♪ 83 00:04:38,156 --> 00:04:41,797 I loved baseball, but yearned to play in America. 84 00:04:41,863 --> 00:04:44,836 I would look across the water and dream about 85 00:04:44,903 --> 00:04:47,274 the great time they must be having there. 86 00:04:47,340 --> 00:04:49,512 I bet it's not so great. 87 00:04:49,579 --> 00:04:52,585 ♪ If you're going my way ♪ 88 00:04:52,652 --> 00:04:55,558 ♪ I want to drive it all night long ♪ 89 00:04:55,624 --> 00:04:58,831 ♪ Oh, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, yeah... ♪ 90 00:04:58,897 --> 00:05:01,235 Dang it! I'm at the wrong country. 91 00:05:01,302 --> 00:05:03,239 I knew what I had to do. 92 00:05:03,306 --> 00:05:05,043 It was nothing against Cuba. 93 00:05:05,110 --> 00:05:06,278 Cuba was nice. 94 00:05:06,345 --> 00:05:07,782 We had a Bay of Hotties, 95 00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:10,621 but also another bay of less attractive women. 96 00:05:10,688 --> 00:05:12,658 I forget what they called it. 97 00:05:12,725 --> 00:05:15,831 However, tensions between the U. S. and Cuba were high. 98 00:05:15,898 --> 00:05:18,637 Castro was not happy that they had named 99 00:05:18,704 --> 00:05:22,077 the most dangerously gay part of San Francisco after him. 100 00:05:22,144 --> 00:05:25,951 Defecting to the U. S. was punishable by prison or death. 101 00:05:26,018 --> 00:05:28,189 But I was determined. 102 00:05:28,256 --> 00:05:29,659 Then came my chance. 103 00:05:29,726 --> 00:05:31,328 The Cuba Gooding Juniors had 104 00:05:31,395 --> 00:05:33,099 an away game in Barbados. 105 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:36,706 Oy, herma we can escape to the Cayman Islands. 106 00:05:36,773 --> 00:05:40,748 Cayman, my ass. I'm going to America. 107 00:05:44,388 --> 00:05:46,325 Okay, when we land in America, 108 00:05:46,392 --> 00:05:49,699 we all have to stop saying "Cooba." 109 00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:53,574 The sea was choppy, and the sharks were relentless. 110 00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:55,210 ‐ 111 00:05:55,276 --> 00:05:57,815 - Who is it? - Uh, not a shark? 112 00:05:57,882 --> 00:06:00,019 - Don't open it! - No, it's just people. 113 00:06:00,086 --> 00:06:01,690 - Yeah, people. - And sharks. 114 00:06:01,756 --> 00:06:04,829 Shh! No sharks. Just people. 115 00:06:08,770 --> 00:06:09,973 After a week at sea, 116 00:06:10,039 --> 00:06:13,179 we saw the glittering lights of Miami. 117 00:06:18,256 --> 00:06:19,993 It was beautiful. 118 00:06:20,059 --> 00:06:22,330 Then we decided to go to Quahog instead, 119 00:06:22,397 --> 00:06:23,967 which took eight more months. 120 00:06:24,034 --> 00:06:26,338 Eventually, I signed a large deal 121 00:06:26,405 --> 00:06:28,610 with the Toronto Blue Jays. 122 00:06:28,677 --> 00:06:30,581 But because I was from a warm‐weather climate, 123 00:06:30,648 --> 00:06:32,852 it didn't work out. 124 00:06:33,987 --> 00:06:36,593 - I still remember my first major‐league game. - 125 00:06:36,660 --> 00:06:39,766 It was four hours and 25 minutes long. 126 00:06:39,832 --> 00:06:41,569 I was like, "What the (bleep)?" 127 00:06:47,180 --> 00:06:50,320 Wow, Cleveland. I had no idea you played baseball. 128 00:06:50,386 --> 00:06:51,756 Too bad you couldn't hit a home run 129 00:06:51,823 --> 00:06:52,858 with The Cleveland Show. 130 00:06:52,925 --> 00:06:54,629 Well, it certainly wasn't a whiff. 131 00:06:54,696 --> 00:06:55,964 More of a foul out. 132 00:06:56,031 --> 00:06:57,902 It was a double. 133 00:06:57,968 --> 00:06:59,338 You know, you're not the only one 134 00:06:59,404 --> 00:07:01,075 who got a taste of sports glory. 135 00:07:01,141 --> 00:07:02,611 I had a pretty good run, myself. 136 00:07:02,678 --> 00:07:04,247 Scrawny little guy like you, Quagmire? 137 00:07:04,314 --> 00:07:05,617 What did you play? 138 00:07:05,684 --> 00:07:07,187 I was a competitive tennis player. 139 00:07:07,253 --> 00:07:09,257 Some might say too competitive. 140 00:07:09,324 --> 00:07:11,261 But I was the breath of fresh air 141 00:07:11,328 --> 00:07:13,767 that the stuffy tennis world needed. 142 00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:15,971 I was born into a real tennis family. 143 00:07:16,038 --> 00:07:19,144 On my first birthday, my mother gave me a little Head. 144 00:07:20,246 --> 00:07:23,653 I wanted to be the first male cheerleader for tennis. 145 00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:26,659 day and night! 146 00:07:26,726 --> 00:07:29,866 - Ooh, tennis! - 147 00:07:31,168 --> 00:07:34,976 And when that was weird, I decided to just play tennis. 148 00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:39,819 But it was understood I'd grow up to be a tennis player 149 00:07:39,886 --> 00:07:42,123 like my father and his father before him 150 00:07:42,190 --> 00:07:43,693 and his father before him. 151 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:46,298 We came from a long line of tennis dicks. 152 00:07:46,365 --> 00:07:47,434 I had six brothers, 153 00:07:47,501 --> 00:07:49,204 but they'd all sliced off their hands 154 00:07:49,271 --> 00:07:50,707 opening a tennis ball can, 155 00:07:50,774 --> 00:07:53,713 possibly the most dangerous object known to mankind. 156 00:07:53,780 --> 00:07:56,351 Hey, guys. Anyone want to play tennis? 157 00:07:56,418 --> 00:07:58,055 Llewellyn, no! 158 00:08:04,167 --> 00:08:05,938 But I would do everything I could 159 00:08:06,004 --> 00:08:08,342 to make my now‐female father happy. 160 00:08:08,409 --> 00:08:09,679 Practices were intense. 161 00:08:09,745 --> 00:08:10,881 I feel like you skipped over 162 00:08:10,948 --> 00:08:12,852 a very big story point right there. 163 00:08:12,918 --> 00:08:14,822 My father was a World War II vet, 164 00:08:14,889 --> 00:08:17,293 so he used to make me reenact the D‐Day landing 165 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:18,897 with tennis ball machines. 166 00:08:24,274 --> 00:08:25,811 But the work paid off. 167 00:08:25,878 --> 00:08:27,948 I got invited to the first U. S. Open, 168 00:08:28,015 --> 00:08:30,954 which, at the time, was called the U. S. Now Open. 169 00:08:31,021 --> 00:08:34,060 There, I met the player 170 00:08:34,127 --> 00:08:36,465 Sweden's Hedd Banssen. 171 00:08:37,367 --> 00:08:39,872 He'd bring his personal chef to every match, 172 00:08:39,939 --> 00:08:41,208 which was very distracting. 173 00:08:41,275 --> 00:08:42,745 Aah! What the hell? 174 00:08:42,811 --> 00:08:45,182 Hergy bergy meatball throwy! 175 00:08:46,819 --> 00:08:49,491 Come on, this can't be legal. What are you, blind? 176 00:08:49,559 --> 00:08:51,963 Serve ball! 177 00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:56,204 I was the bad boy of tennis, 178 00:08:56,271 --> 00:08:59,745 and my unconventional style of play changed the game. 179 00:08:59,812 --> 00:09:02,050 Before I came along, tennis was so safe, 180 00:09:02,116 --> 00:09:04,421 it was customary to hit a six‐handed backhand. 181 00:09:04,487 --> 00:09:07,761 I pioneered the one‐handed backhand 182 00:09:07,828 --> 00:09:10,934 and, eventually, the no‐handed backhand. 183 00:09:12,270 --> 00:09:14,875 Quagmire, I love your backhand. 184 00:09:14,942 --> 00:09:17,113 That sounds like a backhanded compliment. 185 00:09:18,415 --> 00:09:21,021 I also flouted tennis etiquette 186 00:09:21,088 --> 00:09:23,158 by wearing the longest, baggiest shorts 187 00:09:23,225 --> 00:09:25,496 the game had ever seen. 188 00:09:25,564 --> 00:09:27,333 People criticized my style of play 189 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,538 because I argued with umpires 190 00:09:29,605 --> 00:09:31,475 and was taught to bounce the ball 40 times 191 00:09:31,542 --> 00:09:33,647 before my serve. 192 00:09:57,360 --> 00:09:59,665 Let, first service. 193 00:10:11,354 --> 00:10:13,025 I'd won the U. S. Open, 194 00:10:13,092 --> 00:10:14,862 but I wouldn't settle for just that. 195 00:10:14,929 --> 00:10:17,968 My goal 196 00:10:18,035 --> 00:10:21,542 pancakes, eggs, sausage and bacon at Denny's. 197 00:10:21,609 --> 00:10:24,214 One day, Glenn. One day. 198 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:26,218 Maybe your birthday. 199 00:10:33,332 --> 00:10:35,670 I made it to Wimbledon 200 00:10:35,737 --> 00:10:38,175 and got to play in front of the queen‐‐ 201 00:10:38,242 --> 00:10:39,244 Freddie Mercury. 202 00:10:39,310 --> 00:10:42,316 I altered my 40‐bounce routine just for him. 203 00:10:47,260 --> 00:10:51,034 It was an honor playing for Freddie on grass that day. 204 00:10:51,101 --> 00:10:54,274 He later died. The doctor said it was asphalt. 205 00:10:54,340 --> 00:10:55,911 - ♪ - 206 00:11:13,513 --> 00:11:17,119 It was the era before AIDS, but a lot of tennis players 207 00:11:17,186 --> 00:11:20,159 had to deal with the scourge of Penis Gerulaitis. 208 00:11:20,226 --> 00:11:22,063 Despite my on‐court temper tantrums, 209 00:11:22,129 --> 00:11:23,933 I was on top of the world. 210 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:27,139 Tatum O'Seventies. 211 00:11:27,206 --> 00:11:29,110 The hottest actress of the era. 212 00:11:29,177 --> 00:11:31,348 She was fresh off her success playing an 11‐year‐old 213 00:11:31,414 --> 00:11:33,987 in a Little League movie, which, for some reason, 214 00:11:34,053 --> 00:11:36,157 made her the biggest sex symbol in Hollywood. 215 00:11:36,993 --> 00:11:39,932 - Thought you might need this. - Thanks. I'm Glenn. 216 00:11:39,999 --> 00:11:42,671 I know. I watched you smash your racket and scream at a baby. 217 00:11:42,738 --> 00:11:44,140 You know, if you're free after this, 218 00:11:44,207 --> 00:11:45,710 we could go back to my place 219 00:11:45,777 --> 00:11:48,315 and try to fit some balls in your can. 220 00:11:48,382 --> 00:11:49,985 I practiced tantrum sex, 221 00:11:50,052 --> 00:11:52,390 something I'd learned from Sting but probably misheard. 222 00:11:52,456 --> 00:11:55,496 What?! Are you crazy? That was in! 223 00:11:55,563 --> 00:11:59,137 We became New York's "It" couple of the '70s. 224 00:11:59,203 --> 00:12:01,909 We hung out at Studio 55. 225 00:12:01,976 --> 00:12:03,947 There was no one there. 226 00:12:04,013 --> 00:12:06,384 We could hear a lot of noise coming from next door. 227 00:12:06,451 --> 00:12:10,326 I got to meet the greatest athletes of my generation. 228 00:12:10,392 --> 00:12:12,564 Glenn, how would you like to meet Bobby Orr? 229 00:12:12,631 --> 00:12:14,100 - Or who? - Bobby Orr. 230 00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:16,104 Yeah, Bobby or who? What's the other choice? 231 00:12:16,171 --> 00:12:18,284 - It's Bobby Orr! - You told me Bobby's the first choice! 232 00:12:18,308 --> 00:12:20,446 - What's the alternative? - All right, forget that. 233 00:12:20,513 --> 00:12:22,083 Do you want to meet Rick Monday? 234 00:12:22,149 --> 00:12:24,153 Well, sure, I could do Monday, but who is it? 235 00:12:24,220 --> 00:12:27,527 By the 1980s, things were starting to unravel. 236 00:12:29,665 --> 00:12:31,067 Aw, damn it! 237 00:12:31,134 --> 00:12:33,673 My temper on the court was increasingly an issue. 238 00:12:33,740 --> 00:12:34,608 Out. 239 00:12:34,675 --> 00:12:37,013 Are you serious?! You cannot be serious! 240 00:12:37,079 --> 00:12:40,019 I had a hard time telling if people were serious. 241 00:12:40,085 --> 00:12:42,023 I spilled spot remover on my dog, 242 00:12:42,089 --> 00:12:43,559 and now he's gone. 243 00:12:43,626 --> 00:12:45,162 Are you serious?! 244 00:12:45,229 --> 00:12:47,099 I became famous for smashing rackets 245 00:12:47,166 --> 00:12:49,037 when things didn't go my way. 246 00:12:49,103 --> 00:12:51,117 Of course, back then, we didn't have multiple rackets, 247 00:12:51,141 --> 00:12:53,880 so I was forced to play with it. 248 00:12:58,623 --> 00:13:02,496 Ultimately, my career ended when I developed the yips. 249 00:13:06,304 --> 00:13:10,212 And in 2001, at the U. S. Open, my first serve hit a plane, 250 00:13:10,279 --> 00:13:13,553 causing it to go tragically off course and hit a building. 251 00:13:16,191 --> 00:13:19,230 Everyone blamed the Muslims. 252 00:13:19,297 --> 00:13:22,403 My second serve was no better. 253 00:13:30,553 --> 00:13:33,024 You guys talking sports stories? 254 00:13:33,091 --> 00:13:36,030 You know, I won a bronze medal in the '84 Olympics. 255 00:13:36,097 --> 00:13:37,399 Are you serious?! 256 00:13:37,466 --> 00:13:40,205 Track and field. It's a pretty good story. 257 00:13:40,272 --> 00:13:42,844 It's a series of coincidences that if someone wrote, 258 00:13:42,911 --> 00:13:45,382 no one would believe. 259 00:13:46,552 --> 00:13:49,056 Oh, my God, why is there only half a medal? 260 00:13:49,123 --> 00:13:51,294 Hoo! How much time you got? 261 00:13:51,361 --> 00:13:53,465 We got about seven minutes, and I haven't gone yet. 262 00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:54,701 Rocky. 263 00:13:56,572 --> 00:13:59,811 Like most, my day began with block letters of my name 264 00:13:59,878 --> 00:14:02,149 floating past the screen. 265 00:14:02,216 --> 00:14:05,657 I grew up on the mean streets of Philadelphia, 266 00:14:05,723 --> 00:14:07,326 the City of Brotherly Love. 267 00:14:07,393 --> 00:14:10,499 Or, as I called it, America's Northernmost Hillbillies. 268 00:14:10,567 --> 00:14:12,737 I was an Italian guy from the South Side 269 00:14:12,804 --> 00:14:14,407 who never had a chance in life. 270 00:14:14,473 --> 00:14:18,481 to one day be the heavyweight champ. 271 00:14:18,549 --> 00:14:19,483 Yo, Petey! 272 00:14:19,551 --> 00:14:20,553 Yo, fella! 273 00:14:20,620 --> 00:14:22,289 Yo, Petey! 274 00:14:22,356 --> 00:14:23,693 Yo, Delayheehoo! 275 00:14:25,128 --> 00:14:27,066 It was a tough time in Philadelphia. 276 00:14:27,132 --> 00:14:29,170 We were losing dozens of men every day 277 00:14:29,237 --> 00:14:31,374 to singing over open trash can fires. 278 00:14:31,441 --> 00:14:32,711 Yo, Petey! 279 00:14:32,777 --> 00:14:33,846 Yo, Flaming Guy! 280 00:14:33,913 --> 00:14:36,184 Aah! Aah! 281 00:14:36,251 --> 00:14:39,257 I was a two‐bit knuckle breaker for the mob. 282 00:14:39,323 --> 00:14:41,729 But it was a flash mob. 283 00:14:41,795 --> 00:14:44,701 - ♪ - You owe us two grand. 284 00:14:45,703 --> 00:14:47,540 Don't make me come back. 285 00:14:49,310 --> 00:14:51,749 You better pay or we'll funk you up. 286 00:14:51,815 --> 00:14:54,220 I said we will funk you up. 287 00:14:54,287 --> 00:14:56,190 Like most fighters, I fell in love 288 00:14:56,257 --> 00:14:59,130 with the local autistic girl who worked at the pet shop. 289 00:14:59,196 --> 00:15:00,867 I was one of her pet shop boys. 290 00:15:00,933 --> 00:15:02,871 Yo, hey, turtles. How you doin'? 291 00:15:02,937 --> 00:15:04,373 How come they're not moving? 292 00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:06,377 You sat on them yesterday. They're dead. 293 00:15:06,444 --> 00:15:09,518 - What happened to your eye? - I got beat up again in a fight. 294 00:15:09,584 --> 00:15:12,256 Yo, Lois, the San Gennaro festival was last weekend. 295 00:15:12,323 --> 00:15:13,535 You know, I was wondering if, uh, 296 00:15:13,559 --> 00:15:16,497 - maybe you might want to go to it with me. - When is it? 297 00:15:16,565 --> 00:15:20,138 - Last weekend. - Well, then I don't think that's possible, Peter. No. 298 00:15:20,205 --> 00:15:22,544 I could see she was gonna play hard to get. 299 00:15:22,610 --> 00:15:25,215 All right, okay, well, uh, want to maybe go to the park 300 00:15:25,282 --> 00:15:26,919 and feed the pigeons yesterday? 301 00:15:26,985 --> 00:15:29,423 Peter, I already did yesterday stuff. Sorry. 302 00:15:29,490 --> 00:15:31,695 Well, then how about we just get coffee this morning 303 00:15:31,762 --> 00:15:34,601 - before you got to be at work? - It's 4:00 in the afternoon. 304 00:15:34,668 --> 00:15:36,772 I'm afraid that's not gonna work, either. 305 00:15:36,839 --> 00:15:38,408 Okay, well, I'll circle back last week 306 00:15:38,475 --> 00:15:40,212 and see what your schedule looks like. 307 00:15:40,278 --> 00:15:43,786 I was not the smartest guy, but I wasn't gonna give up. 308 00:15:46,257 --> 00:15:49,163 I lived in the Little Italy section of Philly. 309 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:53,539 My apartment was tiny. 310 00:15:55,777 --> 00:15:59,551 I didn't have much stuff, but, still, it felt cramped. 311 00:16:01,287 --> 00:16:04,326 I really needed a bigger place. 312 00:16:05,897 --> 00:16:07,299 I wanted to work the speed bag, 313 00:16:07,366 --> 00:16:09,336 but my gym was so cheap it didn't have one. 314 00:16:09,403 --> 00:16:10,706 So I had to do the noises. 315 00:16:10,773 --> 00:16:12,419 Dug‐a‐duh, dug‐a‐duh, dug‐a‐duh, dug‐a‐duh, dug‐a‐duh. 316 00:16:12,443 --> 00:16:13,445 Harder hit! 317 00:16:13,512 --> 00:16:16,317 I fought my way up through the amateur ranks. 318 00:16:16,384 --> 00:16:18,622 Most fights, my greatest challenge was entering the ring 319 00:16:18,689 --> 00:16:20,927 without getting completely tangled in the ropes. 320 00:16:20,993 --> 00:16:23,498 Little help? Is my butt out? 321 00:16:23,566 --> 00:16:24,500 My butt's out, isn't it? 322 00:16:24,568 --> 00:16:26,738 Sorry you got to see that back there, ma'am. 323 00:16:26,805 --> 00:16:29,376 Yeah, I couldn't wipe. I had my gloves on already. 324 00:16:29,443 --> 00:16:32,416 Stop taking pictures, please. 325 00:16:32,483 --> 00:16:35,222 My least favorite part of boxing was the weigh‐ins. 326 00:16:35,288 --> 00:16:38,629 ‐ ‐Hey, Keenan, Damon, Marlon. 327 00:16:38,696 --> 00:16:40,432 Good luck, Peter. 328 00:16:41,802 --> 00:16:42,837 Moo! 329 00:16:42,904 --> 00:16:44,508 Oh, ha, ha. 330 00:16:44,574 --> 00:16:46,344 And I was the only guy who wouldn't 331 00:16:46,410 --> 00:16:47,847 get naked in the locker room. 332 00:16:47,914 --> 00:16:49,450 I don't got a problem getting naked, 333 00:16:49,518 --> 00:16:52,557 I‐I just don't have to change right now. 334 00:16:54,928 --> 00:16:56,264 I became known as an up‐and‐comer 335 00:16:56,330 --> 00:16:57,432 with a mean left hook, 336 00:16:57,499 --> 00:17:00,472 who farted every time he got punched in the stomach. 337 00:17:05,315 --> 00:17:08,288 By the second round, the entire front row had pink eye. 338 00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:13,298 I ran with a towel around my neck 339 00:17:13,364 --> 00:17:15,302 tucked into my sweat suit, 'cause I always wanted 340 00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,507 to look like a rich guy in a bathrobe. 341 00:17:17,574 --> 00:17:20,312 Then I promised Lois I'd see the Mark Rothko exhibit 342 00:17:20,378 --> 00:17:22,650 at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. 343 00:17:22,717 --> 00:17:25,455 But when I got there, it was closed. 344 00:17:29,396 --> 00:17:31,902 Meanwhile, Lois and I were getting serious, 345 00:17:31,969 --> 00:17:33,338 so I popped the question. 346 00:17:33,404 --> 00:17:35,008 Hey, listen, Lois, I was wondering, 347 00:17:35,075 --> 00:17:37,279 if you're not too busy, what would you think 348 00:17:37,346 --> 00:17:39,584 about spending the previous part of your life with me? 349 00:17:39,651 --> 00:17:42,657 I'm afraid that's not possible, Peter. 350 00:17:42,724 --> 00:17:44,561 But I was rising through the ranks 351 00:17:44,628 --> 00:17:46,898 and fighting bigger and better opponents. 352 00:17:46,965 --> 00:17:48,636 I fought Butterbean, 353 00:17:48,702 --> 00:17:50,640 then I fought Can't Believe It's Not Butterbean. 354 00:17:50,706 --> 00:17:53,478 I could barely tell the difference. 355 00:17:53,545 --> 00:17:55,482 I fought Sugar Ray Leonard Nimoy, 356 00:17:55,549 --> 00:17:57,386 who put a Vulcan nerve pinch on me. 357 00:17:57,452 --> 00:17:59,624 The fight was deemed highly illogical. 358 00:17:59,691 --> 00:18:02,029 I defeated Lennox Lewis and the News, 359 00:18:02,095 --> 00:18:03,732 Evander Sallyfield 360 00:18:03,799 --> 00:18:05,503 and Roberto Duran Duran. 361 00:18:05,569 --> 00:18:07,272 I was supposed to fight George Foreman, 362 00:18:07,339 --> 00:18:09,644 but I only got George ThreeMenAndaBaby. 363 00:18:09,711 --> 00:18:11,848 There's a lot more puns, but this episode's only got 364 00:18:11,915 --> 00:18:12,850 a few minutes left. 365 00:18:12,917 --> 00:18:15,723 So finally, I got my shot at the title, 366 00:18:15,790 --> 00:18:17,259 against a world champion‐‐ 367 00:18:17,325 --> 00:18:19,998 Marvelous Marvin Mrs. Maisel. 368 00:18:23,505 --> 00:18:25,408 Lois, no one's ever gone the distance 369 00:18:25,475 --> 00:18:27,446 with Marvelous Marvin Mrs. Maisel before. 370 00:18:27,513 --> 00:18:29,684 But if I can just get in that ring yesterday... 371 00:18:29,751 --> 00:18:32,657 - Tomorrow. - and hear that bell ring, still standing, 372 00:18:32,724 --> 00:18:35,730 I'll know I'm not just a bum from the streets. 373 00:18:35,796 --> 00:18:38,936 I believe in you, Peter. Now go drink your eggs. 374 00:18:39,002 --> 00:18:41,742 Aah! Our dinnerware hutch! 375 00:18:41,808 --> 00:18:43,545 - Sorry. - 376 00:18:43,612 --> 00:18:44,681 Sorry! 377 00:18:44,748 --> 00:18:46,083 Oh, they're mad. 378 00:18:51,427 --> 00:18:53,097 I was outmatched. A no‐name punk 379 00:18:53,164 --> 00:18:55,101 fighting the world champion. 380 00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:57,372 I fought my heart out. I dug deep and had 381 00:18:57,439 --> 00:18:59,577 a kick‐ass song on my side, but we couldn't afford 382 00:18:59,644 --> 00:19:02,315 the song from the movie, so we used the sound effects 383 00:19:02,382 --> 00:19:03,382 from Nintendo Punch‐Out!! 384 00:19:03,484 --> 00:19:05,054 ‐ ‐Body blow. 385 00:19:05,121 --> 00:19:07,092 Body blow. Body blow. Uppercut. 386 00:19:07,159 --> 00:19:09,396 Uppercut. Body blow. Uppercut. 387 00:19:09,463 --> 00:19:11,835 ‐ 388 00:19:11,902 --> 00:19:13,104 ‐ 389 00:19:24,092 --> 00:19:25,963 The swollen eyes weren't from the fight. 390 00:19:26,030 --> 00:19:27,767 There was a cat in the arena 391 00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:30,138 - and I was highly allergic. - 392 00:19:30,205 --> 00:19:31,508 But I'd done it. 393 00:19:31,575 --> 00:19:33,377 The only fighter ever to go the distance 394 00:19:33,444 --> 00:19:34,379 with the champ. 395 00:19:34,446 --> 00:19:35,446 But in that moment, 396 00:19:35,481 --> 00:19:38,589 there was only one thing I could think about. 397 00:19:38,655 --> 00:19:42,697 Peter, the Rothko exhibit at the museum is reopened! 398 00:19:42,763 --> 00:19:44,834 Are you busy last week? 399 00:19:44,901 --> 00:19:46,136 She had nailed me. 400 00:19:46,203 --> 00:19:49,176 I was, in fact, free last week. 401 00:19:49,243 --> 00:19:52,082 I was the pride of Philadelphia. 402 00:19:52,148 --> 00:19:54,419 Eventually, I became the champ. 403 00:19:54,486 --> 00:19:56,791 I also changed my inspirational music 404 00:19:56,858 --> 00:19:58,562 to keep me motivated. 405 00:19:58,629 --> 00:20:00,699 ♪ Baby shark, doo, doo, doo‐doo, doo‐doo ♪ 406 00:20:00,766 --> 00:20:02,970 ♪ Baby shark, doo, doo, doo‐doo, doo‐doo ♪ 407 00:20:03,037 --> 00:20:05,041 ♪ Baby shark, doo, doo, doo‐doo, doo‐doo ♪ 408 00:20:05,108 --> 00:20:06,912 - ♪ Baby shark... ♪ - Yeah! 409 00:20:06,978 --> 00:20:08,582 Tragically, I died in training. 410 00:20:08,649 --> 00:20:10,786 I fell into a vat of Philadelphia Cream Cheese 411 00:20:10,853 --> 00:20:11,888 and suffocated. 412 00:20:11,955 --> 00:20:13,892 I guess it was a little taste of heaven. 413 00:20:13,959 --> 00:20:16,497 Let's just say, at my funeral, there was quite a spread. 414 00:20:16,564 --> 00:20:18,502 Some of this story ain't holding up for me. 415 00:20:18,568 --> 00:20:19,871 I was cremated. 416 00:20:19,938 --> 00:20:21,741 I don't think any of this is true. 417 00:20:21,808 --> 00:20:23,979 My ashes were spread over an everything bagel. 418 00:20:29,824 --> 00:20:31,995 Hey, Joe, what about you? You're a pretty athletic guy. 419 00:20:32,062 --> 00:20:34,499 - You got any sports stories? - Funny you should ask. 420 00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:35,903 Actually, back in 1988, 421 00:20:35,970 --> 00:20:39,577 I took part in the Crystal Light Aerobics Competition. 422 00:20:39,644 --> 00:20:42,883 Representing Valley Health and Racket in Orlando, 423 00:20:42,950 --> 00:20:45,823 Mona Hartnett, Debbie Harvey and Maressa MacEachin. 424 00:20:47,058 --> 00:20:49,496 Representing Shofer's Athletic Club in San Jose, 425 00:20:49,564 --> 00:20:52,302 Diane Terese, Deborah McGee and Debbie Pardue. 426 00:20:53,672 --> 00:20:55,008 There I am! 427 00:20:55,074 --> 00:20:56,243 That guy on the left's dead. 428 00:20:56,310 --> 00:20:59,483 Asphalt.