1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,711 It seems today ♪ 2 00:00:02,711 --> 00:00:04,587 That all you see ♪ 3 00:00:04,671 --> 00:00:08,133 Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 4 00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:12,262 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 5 00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:14,389 On which we used to rely? ♪ 6 00:00:14,389 --> 00:00:18,226 Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 7 00:00:18,226 --> 00:00:21,521 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 8 00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,106 All the things that make us ♪ 9 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,441 Laugh and cry ♪ 10 00:00:24,441 --> 00:00:30,071 He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 11 00:00:31,072 --> 00:00:32,741 {\an8}Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. 12 00:00:32,741 --> 00:00:34,576 {\an8}It's almost Oscar night. 13 00:00:34,576 --> 00:00:36,995 {\an8}Boy, we've lost so many greats this year, 14 00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:38,955 {\an8}including a dead costume designer 15 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:40,540 {\an8}who will get spill-over applause 16 00:00:40,540 --> 00:00:43,543 {\an8}from the photo of Sean Connery that directly precedes him. 17 00:00:43,543 --> 00:00:46,463 {\an8}Tonight, we salute some past Best Picture winners, 18 00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:48,757 {\an8}whichever ones I spin on this wheel. 19 00:00:54,679 --> 00:00:56,473 {\an8}The wheel has spoken! 20 00:00:56,473 --> 00:00:58,183 {\an8}The Silence of the Lambs. 21 00:01:04,773 --> 00:01:08,359 {\an8}Ah... what a beautiful day to not get bodily fluids 22 00:01:08,443 --> 00:01:10,361 {\an8}thrown in your face and hair. 23 00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:14,657 {\an8}And now, for some rock tunes to pump me up. 24 00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:17,077 {\an8}One, two princes kneel before you... ♪ 25 00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:20,413 {\an8}Oh, right, 'cause it's the early '90s. 26 00:01:20,497 --> 00:01:22,332 {\an8}Vaulting over a log. 27 00:01:22,332 --> 00:01:24,084 {\an8}Jumping a water hazard. 28 00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:26,336 {\an8}Climbing up a cargo net. 29 00:01:26,336 --> 00:01:28,379 {\an8}Becoming an FBI agent is basically 30 00:01:28,463 --> 00:01:30,924 {\an8}like being on Battle of the Network Stars. 31 00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:33,551 {\an8}You rockets ain't in... ♪ 32 00:01:38,389 --> 00:01:40,391 {\an8}- Aah! - Agent Starling. 33 00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:41,601 {\an8}Good to see you. 34 00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:43,353 {\an8}Wh-Why is your face so big? 35 00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:45,855 {\an8}Oh, this movie is mostly extreme close-ups. 36 00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:47,816 {\an8}Oh. Yeah. Weird. 37 00:01:47,816 --> 00:01:49,776 {\an8}Anyway, sorry you had to come so quickly, 38 00:01:49,776 --> 00:01:52,153 {\an8}but this thing with no timetable couldn't wait. 39 00:01:52,237 --> 00:01:55,115 {\an8}We need you to talk to a super smart psychopath. 40 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,574 {\an8}How smart? 41 00:01:56,658 --> 00:01:58,076 {\an8}Like, he can do the New York Times crossword 42 00:01:58,076 --> 00:01:59,244 {\an8}through Thursday. 43 00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:01,412 {\an8}Friday, he can maybe get a corner or two. 44 00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:03,081 {\an8}So, what's the job? 45 00:02:03,081 --> 00:02:04,666 {\an8}Fancy creep, eats people. 46 00:02:04,666 --> 00:02:06,543 {\an8}- Talk to him. - Got it. 47 00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:08,461 {\an8}And this is a big deal, 'cause you're a woman. 48 00:02:08,545 --> 00:02:10,171 {\an8}We're not gonna say it's a big deal, 49 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:12,465 {\an8}but everyone watching will know it's a big deal 50 00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:13,758 {\an8}'cause of the time period, 51 00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:15,343 {\an8}even though a man is helping you. 52 00:02:15,343 --> 00:02:16,803 {\an8}Now run along, toots. 53 00:02:22,559 --> 00:02:24,269 {\an8}So, you're in the FBI, huh? 54 00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:26,104 {\an8}Me too. 55 00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:28,481 {\an8}Got this bad boy in Venice Beach. 56 00:02:30,066 --> 00:02:31,943 {\an8}Okay, all right. 57 00:02:31,943 --> 00:02:33,653 {\an8}You can talk to Lecter now. 58 00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:42,495 {\an8}Hello, Clarice. 59 00:02:42,579 --> 00:02:44,831 {\an8}Dr. Lecter, I need your help. 60 00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:47,917 {\an8}Nope, nope, nope. I'll only help if there's a quid pro quo. 61 00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,711 {\an8} Okay, what is it? 62 00:02:49,711 --> 00:02:53,840 {\an8}I want Mario Lopez to record my outgoing voice mail message. 63 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,675 {\an8}What?! You're insane! 64 00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:59,012 {\an8}He's a huge star at this specific sliver of time. 65 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:01,598 {\an8}Figure it out. Those are my terms. 66 00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:10,648 {\an8}Sorry, these Capri Suns are notoriously difficult to open. 67 00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:15,737 {\an8}Yeah, one, two... ♪ 68 00:03:17,155 --> 00:03:18,990 {\an8}: That's what I said now ♪ 69 00:03:18,990 --> 00:03:20,450 {\an8}Princes... ♪ 70 00:03:27,498 --> 00:03:28,833 {\an8}You need some help? 71 00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:30,084 {\an8}Yeah, thanks. 72 00:03:30,168 --> 00:03:33,504 {\an8}I can't seem to get this giant 1991 computer 73 00:03:33,588 --> 00:03:35,673 {\an8}into the back of my van. 74 00:03:35,757 --> 00:03:39,594 {\an8}Careful, I had it on for 20 minutes, so it's very hot. 75 00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:47,185 {\an8}Okay, I got what you asked for. 76 00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:48,853 {\an8}Hey, this is Mario Lopez 77 00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:50,355 {\an8}letting you know that Hannibal Lecter 78 00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:51,814 {\an8}can't get to the phone right now, 79 00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:53,441 {\an8}so please leave a message. 80 00:03:53,441 --> 00:03:55,235 {\an8}And now, I think I'm about to be saved by the... 81 00:03:56,361 --> 00:03:57,570 Not good enough! 82 00:03:57,654 --> 00:03:59,447 I wanted him to record it as Slater. 83 00:03:59,447 --> 00:04:01,532 What?! You never said that. 84 00:04:01,616 --> 00:04:03,117 It should've been understood. 85 00:04:03,201 --> 00:04:04,827 Don't test me, Starling. 86 00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:06,621 A census taker did that once, 87 00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:09,040 and I ate his liver with dry Cheerios 88 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,042 and a mashed-up banana. 89 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,463 Sorry, I'm just a little nervous. 90 00:04:15,463 --> 00:04:17,173 When I was a girl, 91 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,591 I went to live on my uncle's farm, 92 00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:21,803 and I heard these lambs screaming, 93 00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:23,554 screaming as they were being slaughtered. 94 00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:25,473 It was horrible. 95 00:04:25,473 --> 00:04:28,268 And I want to thank Alan Weiss at William Morris. 96 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:31,271 Also, my high school drama teacher, Lucas Wohl. 97 00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,982 Oh, they were just killing those poor lambs. 98 00:04:33,982 --> 00:04:35,316 I wanted to save them, but I couldn't. 99 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:38,194 And, Mandy and Jenny at home, go to bed, kids. 100 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,821 Mommy did it! 101 00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:42,073 I am coming home with one of these! 102 00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:53,501 CVS brand lotion? 103 00:04:53,501 --> 00:04:56,170 It's the same ingredients as Nivea. 104 00:04:57,255 --> 00:05:00,133 It puts the off-brand lotion on its skin, 105 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,844 or else it gets the hose again. 106 00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:04,595 The top isn't even a pump. 107 00:05:04,679 --> 00:05:06,848 You're paying for the pump! 108 00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:15,857 Dr. Lecter, we are running out of time. 109 00:05:15,857 --> 00:05:17,775 I need you to give me some clue, 110 00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:20,194 anything that might lead me in the right direction. 111 00:05:20,278 --> 00:05:23,239 His name's Buffalo Bill, heavyset blond kid 112 00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:25,742 who lives in that crappy place behind McDonald's. 113 00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:27,160 Hmm. 114 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,453 I'll have to really lean 115 00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:30,455 on my budding criminology skills 116 00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:33,082 to decipher these obscure breadcrumbs. 117 00:06:12,163 --> 00:06:13,748 Coming up, dinner. 118 00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:16,626 But first, I turn my back to a dangerous murderer. 119 00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:31,391 {\an8}Oh, hey, Sarge. Your wife called and said it was urgent. 120 00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:33,226 {\an8}Oh, uh, okay. 121 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,937 Yeah, she sounded very not happy. 122 00:06:35,937 --> 00:06:37,605 You need to call her back ASAP. 123 00:06:37,605 --> 00:06:38,815 Got it, thanks. 124 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:41,651 Starting to think I did this guy a favor. 125 00:06:48,449 --> 00:06:51,494 It puts its finger on the doorbell. 126 00:06:51,494 --> 00:06:53,037 We're looking for someone. 127 00:06:53,121 --> 00:06:54,497 Have you seen her? 128 00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:58,626 Oh, wait, is she that great, big, huge, plump, 129 00:06:58,626 --> 00:07:02,004 very large, Rubenesque, fat girl who went missing? 130 00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:03,506 Yes, she is rather heavy, 131 00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:05,883 and as you can see, not particularly attractive. 132 00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:07,718 We've had reports that her personality 133 00:07:07,802 --> 00:07:09,262 is quite grating as well. 134 00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:11,472 I can still hear you guys! 135 00:07:31,492 --> 00:07:33,828 I'm not loving this night vision setting. 136 00:07:33,828 --> 00:07:37,790 Maybe I should try Night at the Roxbury vision. 137 00:07:43,796 --> 00:07:46,257 - You? Me? You? - What is love? ♪ - Aah! 138 00:07:47,925 --> 00:07:51,554 It puts the bullet in the fat guy. 139 00:07:55,558 --> 00:07:58,060 And, for having successfully scaled a cargo net 140 00:07:58,144 --> 00:08:01,522 and connecting two note cards with a piece of red string, 141 00:08:01,606 --> 00:08:06,152 Clarice Starling, you are now officially a lady FBI. 142 00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:17,538 You should probably answer that. 143 00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:20,082 I mean, you're the closest thing to a secretary in here. 144 00:08:21,083 --> 00:08:22,793 Ugh. 145 00:08:22,877 --> 00:08:26,339 Hello, FBI. This is Clarice speaking. 146 00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:27,882 Hello, Clarice. 147 00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:30,468 I just wanted to let you know that I respect you, 148 00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:32,929 and how important it is that you're a woman. 149 00:08:32,929 --> 00:08:35,181 Thank you for saying so, Doctor. 150 00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:36,516 'Cause if you were a man, 151 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:38,768 I would definitely be captured or dead by now. 152 00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:41,312 - Oh, I... - Like, if you're Clint Eastwood, I'm dead. 153 00:08:41,312 --> 00:08:44,023 - Harrison Ford? Dead. - Well, Doctor, I've really got... 154 00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:46,234 You know, I'm not betting against the Twin Peaks guy-- 155 00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:47,777 what's his name? Creepy white guy. 156 00:08:47,777 --> 00:08:50,279 - Kyle MacLachlan. - Kyle MacLachlan, right. 157 00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:51,531 How do I keep forgetting that? 158 00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,866 It's like in my top five dude names. I have a list. 159 00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:56,494 - Dr. Lecter, I really have to go. - So do I. 160 00:09:00,248 --> 00:09:03,084 I'm having an old friend for dinner. 161 00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:04,919 Y-You're gonna eat a friend? 162 00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:06,504 That was kind of supposed to be the last line, 163 00:09:06,504 --> 00:09:07,755 and you ruined it. 164 00:09:07,755 --> 00:09:09,674 I'm gonna say it again and then hang up quickly. 165 00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:13,135 I'm having an old friend for dinner. 166 00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:14,178 What?! 167 00:09:14,262 --> 00:09:16,055 Oh, my God, this bitch. 168 00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,854 My name is... 169 00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:26,649 whatever Kevin Spacey's name was in this movie. 170 00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:28,526 I bet you think behind that door is 171 00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:30,152 a happy, all-American family. 172 00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:31,153 Nope. 173 00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:32,530 Just me in the shower 174 00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:34,532 with Johnson & Johnson and Johnson. 175 00:09:34,532 --> 00:09:36,742 There were some tears. 176 00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:39,078 That's my wife out there, cutting roses. 177 00:09:39,078 --> 00:09:41,831 Oh, just a heads-up, there's a ton of roses in this. 178 00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:44,375 I guess they're supposed to mean something. (sighs) 179 00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:45,793 You know, when I agreed to this, 180 00:09:45,793 --> 00:09:48,004 I 100% thought it was American Pie. 181 00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:50,089 Always read the second word of the title 182 00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:51,424 before you sign something. 183 00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:54,218 Oh, hi, Carolyn. We're your gay neighbors. 184 00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:56,137 That's right, and we're the only happy people 185 00:09:56,137 --> 00:09:57,638 in the entire film. 186 00:09:57,722 --> 00:09:58,889 Oh, that's the other thing. 187 00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:00,558 This movie really wants you to know 188 00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:03,185 that traditional families are the messed-up ones. 189 00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:04,687 If you don't want two hours of that, 190 00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:06,272 go turn on The Matrix. 191 00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:07,857 Aw, why aren't we doing that? 192 00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:09,191 Have a great day, 193 00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:11,485 two-dimensional '90s gay neighbors. 194 00:10:11,569 --> 00:10:14,864 - Who are both named Jim. - Right, who are both named Jim. 195 00:10:15,948 --> 00:10:18,534 - Good morning, my darling. - Hello, my love. 196 00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,870 Keep in mind that 9/11 hasn't happened yet. 197 00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:22,955 So a strained family dynamic 198 00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:25,166 is still the most dramatic thing there is. 199 00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:28,878 Wow, what a beautiful, fully heterosexual neighborhood. 200 00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:31,797 Yeah, no. What's up is down here, bro. 201 00:10:31,881 --> 00:10:34,258 Oh, hi, you must be our new neighbors. 202 00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:36,093 I'm Carolyn Burnham, 203 00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:39,055 RE/MAX's top crying realtor in the area. 204 00:10:39,055 --> 00:10:40,973 Uh, thanks, but we just bought a house, 205 00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:42,808 so we don't really need a realtor. 206 00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:47,688 - You don't? - S-Sorry. 207 00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:49,523 It's okay. You know what? 208 00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:50,816 We'll buy another one. 209 00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:53,152 Oh, great. Great. 210 00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:55,780 Oh, looks like your son and my daughter 211 00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:57,281 are getting to know each other. 212 00:10:57,365 --> 00:11:00,576 Check out this video I took of a plastic bag. 213 00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:05,831 I'm thinking about sending it in 214 00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:08,042 to America's Funniest Home Videos. 215 00:11:08,042 --> 00:11:10,127 Really? Do you think it's funny enough? 216 00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:13,130 I don't know. I just want to spend $2,000 217 00:11:13,214 --> 00:11:16,842 flying to Los Angeles to maybe win $1,000. 218 00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:23,140 That's halftime. 219 00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:25,351 And now, please welcome the Suburbia High School 220 00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:28,354 cheer quad, the Dockers Zipper Pushers. 221 00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:42,827 Who is that? 222 00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:58,259 Aah! Aw, damn it. Aw, stop. Stop. 223 00:11:58,259 --> 00:12:01,262 I have seasonal allergies, guys. 224 00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:03,514 All right. 225 00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:04,807 Now the marching band to play 226 00:12:04,807 --> 00:12:07,017 the Suburbia High School fight song. 227 00:12:12,106 --> 00:12:13,733 Geez, again with this song? 228 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:16,152 Shut up and kiss me, other gay Jim. 229 00:12:18,529 --> 00:12:21,365 Oh, no. No. 230 00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:23,325 I'm very against that. 231 00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:25,286 Remember that for later. 232 00:12:25,286 --> 00:12:27,037 The next day, I quit my job 233 00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:29,373 and was in no way run out of the industry 234 00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:31,083 for groping a busboy in Nantucket. 235 00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:33,169 It was a joke. I was razzing the guy. 236 00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:34,462 Come on. 237 00:12:36,422 --> 00:12:39,759 I got a new job at a fake movie fast food restaurant. 238 00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:43,179 God, why are movies so bad at naming restaurants? 239 00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:46,265 Welcome to Mr. Smiley's BurgerTownVilleLand. 240 00:12:46,265 --> 00:12:48,309 Would you like to try a Large McIntyre? 241 00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:51,645 Yes, my lover and I will each have adultery burgers. 242 00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:53,606 Second window. 243 00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:59,612 - Two adultery burgers. - Lester! 244 00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:02,281 Listen, let's not make a big scene here. 245 00:13:02,281 --> 00:13:03,699 We can talk about this when we get... 246 00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:08,537 You don't get to tell me what to do anymore. 247 00:13:09,830 --> 00:13:11,499 We need more ketchup. 248 00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:14,585 All right, there are some things you can tell me to do. 249 00:13:14,585 --> 00:13:17,129 After that, I started lifting weights in my garage. 250 00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:18,714 But I lost track of a spider 251 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,341 that crawled behind the heavy ones, 252 00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:23,052 so I had to use the dainty weights ladies walk with. 253 00:13:23,052 --> 00:13:24,804 Oh, hey. You got those drugs? 254 00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,180 Yep, right here. 255 00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:27,890 Oh, my God. 256 00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:30,309 Look at that plastic bag. 257 00:13:30,309 --> 00:13:32,353 So beautiful. 258 00:13:32,353 --> 00:13:34,688 Do you do a lot of the drugs yourself? 259 00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:36,023 I do, yes. 260 00:13:36,023 --> 00:13:38,234 Okay, let me just get on my knees 261 00:13:38,234 --> 00:13:42,029 and roll a joint at crotch level like all drug dealers do. 262 00:13:42,029 --> 00:13:44,365 Great, and I'll just lean back, away from the drugs 263 00:13:44,365 --> 00:13:46,617 like all drug users do. 264 00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:50,830 What the hell? 265 00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,289 Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing? 266 00:13:52,373 --> 00:13:53,958 Help me out here, Mr. Furley. 267 00:13:53,958 --> 00:13:56,210 How did this thing win an Oscar? 268 00:13:56,210 --> 00:13:58,712 It's basically Austin Powers. 269 00:14:01,799 --> 00:14:03,759 Yo, yo, check this out. 270 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:06,512 What if, like, Kramer is just 271 00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:09,056 a figment of Jerry's imagination? 272 00:14:09,056 --> 00:14:12,476 - Wow. Yeah. -'Cause think about it. 273 00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:16,856 We-we never see him interacting with anyone else. 274 00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,399 Yeah. 275 00:14:18,399 --> 00:14:22,361 Well-well, wait. I mean, w... Uh, we-we do. 276 00:14:22,361 --> 00:14:25,322 Oh, boy, am I glad you're here. 277 00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:28,325 I don't think I like what I saw earlier. 278 00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:29,702 Oh, was it The Phantom Menace, 279 00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:31,412 which also came out this same year? 280 00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:32,663 Yeah, what a mess. 281 00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:35,666 Ricky, go on home. I need to talk to Lester. 282 00:14:35,666 --> 00:14:37,543 Aw, I don't want to. 283 00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:39,837 : There's plastic bags. 284 00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:41,714 There are? 285 00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:46,343 Hey, you know how there's two things we know for sure? 286 00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:49,179 We'll always be able to bring box cutters on planes, 287 00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:51,807 - and I'm heterosexual? - Yeah, of course. 288 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,977 Well, turns out only one of those things is true. 289 00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:56,896 Mm... 290 00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:59,023 Look, I think I gave you the wrong idea 291 00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:02,026 with these pink weights and pantomiming oral with your son. 292 00:15:02,026 --> 00:15:04,278 - I'm straight. - I'm so sorry! 293 00:15:04,278 --> 00:15:06,906 I got to go start a megachurch! 294 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,657 Eh, seems right. 295 00:15:10,534 --> 00:15:12,828 Oh, hey, what are you doing here? 296 00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,121 I have a flight tomorrow, 297 00:15:14,121 --> 00:15:16,624 and Jane said I could borrow your box cutter. 298 00:15:16,624 --> 00:15:19,209 Man, I love cutting boxes on planes. 299 00:15:19,293 --> 00:15:23,172 And also-- and this is kind of embarrassing and unearned-- 300 00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:25,507 but I think you're sexy, 301 00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:27,676 and I want to have sex with you. 302 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,637 Ah, sweet! Let's do this. 303 00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:32,890 I should let you know, I'm a virgin. 304 00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:34,350 Not a deal-breaker. 305 00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:35,976 And I should let you know 306 00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:38,437 I'm Chris Hansen from To Catch a Predator. 307 00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:40,105 Aw, crap. Somebody shoot me. 308 00:15:44,151 --> 00:15:45,444 Sorry, I didn't mean to... 309 00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:47,529 Whoa, you're Chris Hansen! 310 00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:50,866 Hey, what do you do with all the leftover pedophile pizza? 311 00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:53,035 Well, that was American Beauty. 312 00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:54,662 See you at the Oscars. 313 00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:56,205 I'll be there with my mom. 314 00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:58,791 That's not a big, obvious sign of something, right? 315 00:16:13,347 --> 00:16:15,849 - How's work, Ralph? - It's a breeze. 316 00:16:17,643 --> 00:16:20,270 - Give my best to Judy. - Will do. 317 00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:29,446 Hi, my name's Forrest. 318 00:16:29,530 --> 00:16:30,906 Forrest Gump. 319 00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:33,367 Would it be okay if I sugarcoat race relations 320 00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:36,078 in the South for the next two and a half hours? 321 00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:39,331 Honey, I'm a Black woman in a '90s Hollywood movie, 322 00:16:39,415 --> 00:16:41,667 - that's what I'm here for. - Great. 323 00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:45,337 My mama always said life was like a box of Good & Plenty: 324 00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:47,798 most people just throw it away. 325 00:16:47,798 --> 00:16:50,175 One day on the bus to school, 326 00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:52,052 I met Jenny. 327 00:16:52,136 --> 00:16:54,471 She was the love of my life. 328 00:16:56,515 --> 00:16:59,143 Hey, look, it's a guy with nonstandard legs. 329 00:16:59,143 --> 00:17:01,937 Let's bully and throw rocks at him and not me. 330 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:05,399 Run, Forrest, run! 331 00:17:06,358 --> 00:17:07,985 And in a magical moment 332 00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:10,738 whose explanation I assume was cut for time, 333 00:17:10,738 --> 00:17:13,824 I could suddenly run very fast. 334 00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:15,409 But I happened to do it 335 00:17:15,409 --> 00:17:18,287 in front of the meanest lifeguard in Alabama. 336 00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:21,874 - No running! - It's for a movie. God. 337 00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:23,667 I was such a fast runner, 338 00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:26,712 I went on to play college movie football, 339 00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:30,591 where all the tacklers dive two feet behind you and miss. 340 00:17:32,801 --> 00:17:34,511 After I graduated, 341 00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:37,389 I joined the Army and got shipped off to war. 342 00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:41,143 Vietnam is where I met my best friend, Bubba, 343 00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:44,480 who really wanted to have his own squid fishing boat. 344 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,940 In fact, he knew just about 345 00:17:47,024 --> 00:17:48,901 everything you could do with a squid. 346 00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:51,236 Well, there's calamari... 347 00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:55,032 That's about it. 348 00:17:55,032 --> 00:17:57,576 Ambush! 349 00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:01,163 Oh, my God, Lieutenant Dan! 350 00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:05,167 Damn it, save yourself, Gump. 351 00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:07,878 - Leave me here. - All right. 352 00:18:09,046 --> 00:18:11,048 Bubba was also shot. 353 00:18:11,048 --> 00:18:13,842 And as always happens when a soldier dies, 354 00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:16,011 we discussed business ideas. 355 00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:19,264 I'm dying, Forrest. 356 00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:21,975 I want you to buy a squid boat in my honor. 357 00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:25,187 How about a gym exclusively for big white women? 358 00:18:25,187 --> 00:18:28,982 - There could be machines that... - Whoa, whoa, whoa. 359 00:18:29,066 --> 00:18:32,277 You had me at "big white women." 360 00:18:34,196 --> 00:18:36,740 After I got home from Vietnam, 361 00:18:36,824 --> 00:18:39,535 I got to speak at a generic protest. 362 00:18:39,535 --> 00:18:42,746 There's only one thing to say about Vietnam: 363 00:18:42,830 --> 00:18:45,916 I had this awesome red stuff on all my food. 364 00:18:45,916 --> 00:18:47,668 I don't 'member what it's called. 365 00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:50,254 It's not hot sauce, but it's not ketchup. 366 00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:52,714 I think it's got a rooster on the label. 367 00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:54,133 Forrest! 368 00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:57,553 Jenny! 369 00:18:58,637 --> 00:18:59,972 Aah! Son of a bitch! 370 00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:03,350 See, guys? This is why no running. 371 00:19:03,350 --> 00:19:05,602 And then-- I know, it's still not over yet-- 372 00:19:05,686 --> 00:19:08,021 I bought a squid boat. 373 00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:10,399 Lieutenant Dan was also working with me. 374 00:19:10,399 --> 00:19:12,609 And you know who's super helpful on a boat 375 00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:14,736 that's constantly rocking in the water? 376 00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:16,196 A wheelchair guy. 377 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,448 Hey, Forrest, I got our lunches. 378 00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:21,618 Aah! 379 00:19:24,454 --> 00:19:26,498 So after I was rich, 380 00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:29,710 Jenny came back and had sex with me one time. 381 00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:32,212 Wow, that was great. 382 00:19:32,296 --> 00:19:35,007 Sorry I was naming presidents during. 383 00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:36,758 So, we getting married or what? 384 00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:39,344 You don't want to marry me, Forrest. 385 00:19:40,470 --> 00:19:41,930 Yeah, you're right. 386 00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:44,183 Okay, well, have a good night. 387 00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:46,685 And then, shockingly late in the movie, 388 00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:48,687 I started running again. 389 00:19:48,687 --> 00:19:50,772 Like, across the country. 390 00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:52,107 Several times. 391 00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:53,859 The whole sequence is a full eight minutes. 392 00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:55,861 I mean, sometimes this whole movie feels like it was written 393 00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:58,113 by a seven-year-old who just ate a bunch of candy. 394 00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:00,240 But I checked, it's just a regular guy. 395 00:20:00,324 --> 00:20:02,034 Anyway, at least we were finally 396 00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:04,369 to the time in our nation's history 397 00:20:04,453 --> 00:20:05,746 when I could listen to this. 398 00:20:05,746 --> 00:20:09,166 Princes, princes who adore you. ♪ 399 00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:15,714 Forrest! 400 00:20:15,714 --> 00:20:19,051 I brought you chocolates picked over by strangers. 401 00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:20,886 Forrest, I'm sick. 402 00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:23,722 Sick? With what? 403 00:20:23,722 --> 00:20:26,016 Oh, I did a movie about that once. 404 00:20:26,016 --> 00:20:27,643 It's called Splash. 405 00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:30,562 No, Forrest. 406 00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:33,357 Oh, I thought you said mermaids. 407 00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:35,817 But I did a movie about your thing, too. 408 00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:37,486 But that's not all. 409 00:20:37,486 --> 00:20:39,112 I want you to meet my son. 410 00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:41,698 Six hours in makeup. One line. 411 00:20:41,782 --> 00:20:43,283 You're his father. 412 00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:45,285 Father? 413 00:20:45,369 --> 00:20:47,788 Is he... like me? 414 00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:49,081 Uhp, you died. 415 00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:50,749 And... feather! 416 00:21:34,001 --> 00:21:35,961 {\an8}Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH