1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,044 It seems today ♪ 2 00:00:03,128 --> 00:00:04,838 That all you see ♪ 3 00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:08,133 Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 4 00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:11,720 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 5 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:14,723 On which we used to rely? ♪ 6 00:00:14,723 --> 00:00:18,226 Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 7 00:00:18,226 --> 00:00:21,521 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 8 00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,106 All the things that make us ♪ 9 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,524 Laugh and cry ♪ 10 00:00:24,524 --> 00:00:30,113 He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 11 00:00:37,579 --> 00:00:39,330 {\an8}Welcome to our home, 12 00:00:39,414 --> 00:00:42,542 {\an8}and thank you all so much for coming to celebrate 13 00:00:42,542 --> 00:00:45,837 {\an8}our dear Lois and her wonderful husband, 14 00:00:45,837 --> 00:00:47,505 {\an8}uh, Peter. 15 00:00:47,589 --> 00:00:50,467 {\an8}I know Carter wanted to say a few words. 16 00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:52,302 {\an8}Poor, unfunny, fat. 17 00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:54,179 {\an8}Oh, and the sprinklers come on at 4:00. 18 00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:56,431 {\an8}I don't know how to change that, so we have until then. 19 00:00:56,431 --> 00:00:58,058 {\an8}Beautifully said. 20 00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,559 {\an8}Wow. 21 00:00:59,559 --> 00:01:01,061 {\an8}Lot of years for us. 22 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,145 {\an8}Uh-huh. 23 00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:03,646 {\an8}Hey, so what do you think about dinner? 24 00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:05,815 {\an8}Oh, God, I'm so tired of thinking about dinner. 25 00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:07,150 {\an8}I-I don't know. 26 00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:08,359 {\an8}Well, what are you in the mood for? 27 00:01:08,443 --> 00:01:09,861 {\an8}Okay, that's just another version 28 00:01:09,861 --> 00:01:11,488 {\an8}of the same question. 29 00:01:11,488 --> 00:01:13,698 {\an8}Oh, I've collected nine finalists 30 00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:15,784 {\an8}for our new end table. We should talk. 31 00:01:15,784 --> 00:01:18,787 {\an8}Will each one be instantly overcrowded by three items? 32 00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:20,997 {\an8}- Absolutely. - Great. 33 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,166 {\an8}So where did we land, dinner-wise? 34 00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:25,001 {\an8}If I could have everyone's attention, 35 00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:27,003 {\an8}it's time to present Peter and Lois 36 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:29,589 {\an8}with a very special anniversary gift. 37 00:01:29,589 --> 00:01:32,342 {\an8}Yes, we really went all out this year. 38 00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:35,220 {\an8}Okay, "we" is an insane characterization, 39 00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:36,429 {\an8}but here it is. 40 00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:38,556 {\an8}A brand-new Range Rider! 41 00:01:40,266 --> 00:01:41,935 {\an8}That's it? Aw, crap. 42 00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:44,145 {\an8}It looked so much bigger in the SkyMall magazine. 43 00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:45,855 {\an8}That's a rookie move, man! 44 00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:48,691 {\an8}Lois, I'm sorry. I-I didn't realize it was a toy car 45 00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:49,859 {\an8}for a child. I can... 46 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,736 {\an8}It's fine, Daddy. Really. 47 00:01:51,820 --> 00:01:54,197 {\an8}I-I bet Stewie might enjoy playing with it. 48 00:01:54,197 --> 00:01:55,949 {\an8}Will there be, like... 49 00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:58,034 {\an8}a replacement gift or no? 50 00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:00,912 {\an8}That's very sweet, Lois. Always thinking of others. 51 00:02:00,912 --> 00:02:01,996 {\an8}Amazon gift card? 52 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,706 {\an8}It's the thought that counts, Daddy. 53 00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:05,500 {\an8}And it was a very nice thought. 54 00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:07,335 {\an8}$20 bill cupped in a handshake? 55 00:02:07,335 --> 00:02:09,379 {\an8}I'm gonna go change out of this wet suit. 56 00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:10,380 {\an8}Mwah. 57 00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:13,716 {\an8}Wow! A white Range Rider SUV! 58 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,678 {\an8}Hey, what was Ari's wife's name on Entourage? 59 00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:18,388 {\an8}Eh, can't remember. Doesn't matter. 60 00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:20,140 {\an8}I'm Ari's wife. 61 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,350 Good work today, Mom Bathing Suit. 62 00:02:22,350 --> 00:02:23,935 See you on Labor Day. 63 00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:27,480 Nah, I'll wash it off. 64 00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:29,691 It's my fault for over-guac'ing the chip. 65 00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:30,733 Aah! 66 00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:32,819 Aah! Joe! I'm in here! 67 00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:34,362 Sorry, I didn't realize! 68 00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:41,828 I'm sorry! I'm leaving! 69 00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:45,498 Ugh. I feel more violated than Ms. Pac-Man. 70 00:03:04,475 --> 00:03:06,978 {\an8}So, Lois, you would not believe 71 00:03:06,978 --> 00:03:08,897 {\an8}the night Joe and I had last night. 72 00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:10,481 {\an8}Oh. Really? 73 00:03:10,565 --> 00:03:15,111 {\an8}Yeah. It was easily some of the best sex of our entire marriage. 74 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:17,030 {\an8}And for the first time in nine years, 75 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:19,449 {\an8}Joe was able to achieve manhood. 76 00:03:19,449 --> 00:03:22,452 You know, without a pill, a shot or a pump. 77 00:03:22,452 --> 00:03:24,954 Oh, you-you don't say. 78 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:28,124 It was crazy. I can't even count all the different positions 79 00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:31,294 Joe let me carefully arrange his limp body into. 80 00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:33,171 Oh, wow, I'm so happy 81 00:03:33,171 --> 00:03:35,715 you two were able to rekindle that spark. 82 00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:37,967 Whoops, got to go. 83 00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:39,427 I've got lunch with the girls. 84 00:03:39,427 --> 00:03:42,013 W... I thought I was one of the girls. 85 00:03:42,013 --> 00:03:43,973 You're one of the gals. 86 00:03:46,184 --> 00:03:47,936 Oh, no. What am I gonna do? 87 00:03:47,936 --> 00:03:51,606 I bet Joe was only able to do it 'cause he was thinkin' of me. 88 00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,024 Chris? 89 00:03:53,024 --> 00:03:56,444 I've been caught, but I'll never be sorry. 90 00:03:56,444 --> 00:04:00,031 Boy, I went hard at my fat guys' wrestling club today. 91 00:04:01,449 --> 00:04:05,828 I understood that with great reward comes great risk. 92 00:04:16,005 --> 00:04:18,132 Hey, Bri, check out my new "hwhip." 93 00:04:18,216 --> 00:04:19,467 Pretty cool, huh? 94 00:04:19,467 --> 00:04:20,760 You might even say it's a cool hwhi... 95 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,720 - Yeah, I'm not doing that. - Aw, you're no fun. 96 00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:24,931 I will say though, seems like you're really embracing 97 00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:26,808 the Range Rider lifestyle. 98 00:04:26,808 --> 00:04:28,142 Oh, this thing's the best. 99 00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:30,812 J.D. Power and Associates called it the best car 100 00:04:30,812 --> 00:04:33,606 for slamming on your brakes at a crosswalk while texting. 101 00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:35,608 Would you believe this is the same model 102 00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:37,902 Reese Witherspoon yells at her husband in? 103 00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:39,404 I would believe that, yes. 104 00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:41,531 Look! You can even change the navigation system 105 00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:42,824 to be her voice. 106 00:04:42,824 --> 00:04:44,826 I am an American citizen. 107 00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:46,244 Turn left at the light. 108 00:04:46,244 --> 00:04:48,037 The only thing is, eight different people 109 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,330 spoke to me in Farsi. 110 00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:51,040 I think they just assumed I'm Persian. 111 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,543 - Seems right. - There's a whole section of the owner's manual 112 00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:55,545 that's very anti-Israel. 113 00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:57,755 Aren't you forgetting your dry cleaning? 114 00:04:57,839 --> 00:04:59,090 Oh, Carmen will get that. 115 00:04:59,090 --> 00:05:00,717 - Who's Carmen? - Oh, my God. You're right. 116 00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:01,926 It's Rosalita. 117 00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:04,679 That stays on this curb. 118 00:05:04,679 --> 00:05:07,765 Rosalita! ¿Cómo está? 119 00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:13,563 I'm Sarah McLachlan. 120 00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:15,857 And for just one dollar a day, 121 00:05:15,857 --> 00:05:19,402 you can help save one of these abused and terrified grips 122 00:05:19,402 --> 00:05:21,404 from The Ellen DeGeneres Show. 123 00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:24,866 Whether it's a teamster sobbing in his car after work 124 00:05:24,866 --> 00:05:28,036 or a camera operator having a sandwich slapped out of his hand 125 00:05:28,036 --> 00:05:30,038 just for making eye contact, 126 00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:31,664 they need your help. 127 00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:33,833 So, please, give today. 128 00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:36,044 Because no one should have to spend Thanksgiving 129 00:05:36,044 --> 00:05:38,755 watching a millionaire try on sweaters. 130 00:05:38,755 --> 00:05:41,382 Kids, you really got to clean the dog poop off your shoes 131 00:05:41,466 --> 00:05:42,759 right when it happens. 132 00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:45,345 It's so much harder to get it off once it's dried. 133 00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:48,431 You're more than welcome to return to the workforce. 134 00:05:50,933 --> 00:05:52,769 : 135 00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:54,520 I think I'm cleaning diarrhea ♪ 136 00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:56,439 I really think so. ♪ 137 00:06:26,094 --> 00:06:28,054 Hey, Bon! You busy?! 138 00:06:28,054 --> 00:06:29,430 Should I get the pump? 139 00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:30,973 No need! 140 00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:33,142 Let's do this! 141 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:36,687 Lois Griffin, you are adding spice to that marriage. 142 00:06:36,771 --> 00:06:38,022 Wow, look at me, 143 00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:40,316 making a difference for those in need. 144 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,778 Would you like to add a dollar to your bill to fight cancer? 145 00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:47,031 No. I gave a disabled guy an erection. 146 00:06:57,333 --> 00:06:58,668 Okay. 147 00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:01,754 Now time to work some of that magic on my man. 148 00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:04,006 Hey, Lois! Lois, check it out! 149 00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:05,466 I think James Cromwell 150 00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:07,218 is on this Little House on the Prairie. 151 00:07:17,019 --> 00:07:20,398 Actually, what do you say tonight I turn the TV off 152 00:07:20,398 --> 00:07:22,191 and turn you on? 153 00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:23,401 What are you, drunk? 154 00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:24,569 And where are the Wet Ones? 155 00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:26,571 You know I need a cautionary wipe. 156 00:07:26,571 --> 00:07:28,739 Stop throwing 'em out in the bedside trash! 157 00:07:28,823 --> 00:07:30,575 - I don't! - The hell you don... 158 00:07:30,575 --> 00:07:32,535 I mean, 159 00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:33,995 it's all right. 160 00:07:33,995 --> 00:07:36,414 Let's not talk about that, hmm? 161 00:07:36,414 --> 00:07:40,251 Let's talk about how steamy it's getting in here. 162 00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:42,628 Ah, that would be a Bertucci's burp cloud 163 00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:45,047 with a Mr. Pibb fart cloud chaser. 164 00:07:45,131 --> 00:07:46,966 Hence the need for Wet Ones. 165 00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:50,303 Hey, uh, while you're in there, 166 00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:51,888 will you sign Meg's permission slip 167 00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:53,389 for the Historic Slater Mill? 168 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:56,350 I left it at the foot of the toilet between my shoes. 169 00:08:01,814 --> 00:08:03,733 I don't have to show you my ID. 170 00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:05,318 I'm Reese Witherspoon. 171 00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:07,528 You have arrived at your destination. 172 00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:08,779 Oh, thank God. 173 00:08:08,863 --> 00:08:10,406 Stewie, you-you got... 174 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:11,532 you got my texts. 175 00:08:11,616 --> 00:08:13,201 Yeah, didn't so much "get" them 176 00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:15,953 as was "panic-startled awake" by them. 177 00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:18,164 I just... I really am... 178 00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:20,750 is in no condition to drive home. 179 00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:22,960 It was dog trivia night. 180 00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:24,504 People kept buying me shots. 181 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,088 I-I almost... 182 00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:28,174 Oh, God. Oh, pull... Uh, pull over! Pull over! 183 00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:29,258 Aah! Are you gonna puke?! 184 00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:30,384 Aah! Not in the car! 185 00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:33,179 Here, here, aim it into this TCBY cup. 186 00:08:40,603 --> 00:08:42,355 Okay. Okay. 187 00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:44,023 Okay. I'm okay. 188 00:08:45,942 --> 00:08:47,944 - You good? - Yeah. Sorry. For a second... 189 00:08:47,944 --> 00:08:50,947 Aah! No! In the yogurt cup, Brian! 190 00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:52,281 No, not on the seats! 191 00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:53,616 The cup! The cup! 192 00:08:57,286 --> 00:08:59,288 Look, this is gonna sound racist, but... 193 00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:01,290 - Stop. - No, no, hear me out. It's just... 194 00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:02,750 - Stop. - All I'm saying is... 195 00:09:02,750 --> 00:09:03,834 - Stop. Stop. - It's j... 196 00:09:03,918 --> 00:09:05,503 Norwegians can't dance. 197 00:09:05,503 --> 00:09:08,506 Oh. That's actually not as bad as I thought it would be. 198 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,427 It is clearly he has not seen me dance 199 00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:16,722 around the skensen tree on Julaften for true, ja? 200 00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:20,935 Ja, we can do hopping like lutefisk in the almond pot. 201 00:09:20,935 --> 00:09:21,936 Family Guy-- 202 00:09:21,936 --> 00:09:24,230 we googled Norway for this joke. 203 00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:29,026 I manage the entire Teacher Appreciation Night 204 00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:31,112 and I'm supposed to accept second vice president? 205 00:09:31,112 --> 00:09:32,530 They are disrespecting you, Donna. 206 00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:34,031 They are disrespecting you. 207 00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:36,117 No doubt. What about you? 208 00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:38,202 Did the airline give you the Miami route yet? 209 00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:39,954 They say I'm "next in line." 210 00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:41,956 They are disrespecting you, Glenn. 211 00:09:41,956 --> 00:09:44,917 They are disrespecting you. 212 00:09:45,001 --> 00:09:46,127 Okay, see you next week. 213 00:09:46,127 --> 00:09:47,253 Yeah, you will. 214 00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:49,171 And thanks for signing my Facebook petition 215 00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:50,256 about the speed bumps. 216 00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:51,340 We'll get 'em. 217 00:09:53,217 --> 00:09:54,427 What the hell? 218 00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:58,639 All right, Joe, 219 00:09:58,723 --> 00:10:00,433 it's showtime. 220 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:01,517 What is she doing? 221 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:02,893 It's not even sunny. 222 00:10:09,233 --> 00:10:12,778 Oh, my God. She's putting on some kind of weird show for Joe. 223 00:10:12,862 --> 00:10:14,030 This is a betrayal. 224 00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:15,406 Peter deserves to know. 225 00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:17,074 He deserves to know right away. 226 00:10:19,952 --> 00:10:22,330 Ugh. Don't make me do a voice call. 227 00:10:23,372 --> 00:10:25,416 I'll fire him a text down the line. 228 00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:30,713 Hey, thanks for coming out with just me, Peter. 229 00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:33,633 There's something very important I need to talk to you about. 230 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:35,635 Am I... 231 00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:36,886 adopted? 232 00:10:36,886 --> 00:10:38,554 What? No. What? 233 00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:39,805 Are you getting divorced? 234 00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:40,973 I'm not even married. 235 00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:43,184 We're moving again, 'cause of the Army? 236 00:10:43,184 --> 00:10:44,518 Well, it's a big move up for me 237 00:10:44,602 --> 00:10:45,811 and you're gonna get your own room and... 238 00:10:45,895 --> 00:10:47,897 I mean, no! No! That-That's not... Look, look. 239 00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:49,607 What I'm trying to tell you 240 00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:51,942 is I saw Lois strutting around your front yard, 241 00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:54,028 basically putting on a sex show for Joe. 242 00:10:54,028 --> 00:10:55,154 And he was into it. 243 00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:57,281 What? He-he was? 244 00:10:57,365 --> 00:10:58,658 Are you sure? 245 00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,451 Trust me, Peter, when it comes to sex, 246 00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:01,952 I know what I'm talking about. 247 00:11:02,036 --> 00:11:05,331 L-Like, did you know 46% of people picture someone else 248 00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:06,832 when they're having sex with their spouse? 249 00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:08,459 Wow, did you read that in an article? 250 00:11:08,459 --> 00:11:10,252 No, I do all my own research. 251 00:11:12,463 --> 00:11:14,215 : Who are you thinking of right now? 252 00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:16,050 Um, Chris Pine. 253 00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:18,427 Huh. He's doing well this cycle. 254 00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:22,848 Damn it. I'll teach Joe to ogle my wife. 255 00:11:24,266 --> 00:11:25,601 Oh, hey, Peter. 256 00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,687 What are you clenching in that fist there? 257 00:11:30,981 --> 00:11:34,318 Well, that was sadder than what I was going for. 258 00:11:36,153 --> 00:11:37,655 Well, least it's over. 259 00:11:38,989 --> 00:11:42,743 {\an8}Oh, God, those are all "final notice" wheelchair bills. 260 00:11:44,745 --> 00:11:46,455 Not a good day for Joe. 261 00:11:50,334 --> 00:11:53,838 Not... a good day... for Joe. 262 00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:01,011 Peter, this is insane. 263 00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:03,264 I can't believe you would beat up your own friend. 264 00:12:03,264 --> 00:12:04,473 Well, can you blame me? 265 00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:05,641 After the sick show 266 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,101 you two were putting on out there? 267 00:12:07,101 --> 00:12:08,185 Fine, Peter. 268 00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:10,438 So what if I was putting on a show? 269 00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:12,440 At least someone was in the audience. 270 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:15,985 And maybe ask yourself why I'd even feel I have to do that. 271 00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:18,362 I come out of the bathroom in my underwear last night 272 00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:20,948 and all you want to do is look at James Cromwell. 273 00:12:20,948 --> 00:12:22,950 It was weird. He had most of his hair. 274 00:12:22,950 --> 00:12:25,369 You don't find me attractive anymore. 275 00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:27,747 Oh, come on, it's not you-- it's time. 276 00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:29,290 After all these years of marriage, 277 00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:32,626 your naked body has pretty much no effect on me anymore. 278 00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:35,921 It's basically like staring at a chair from the DMV. 279 00:12:36,005 --> 00:12:38,758 Well, sue me for trying to help reignite the passion 280 00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,384 in another couple's marriage. 281 00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:42,344 I can't seem to do it in my own. 282 00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:43,596 That's not what you're doing. 283 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:44,805 You're flaunting yourself 284 00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:45,973 in front of the whole neighborhood 285 00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:47,600 just to boost your own ego. 286 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,560 All right, Peter, 287 00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:50,978 I'll be honest with you. 288 00:12:50,978 --> 00:12:53,063 We're moving again, 'cause of the Army? 289 00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:55,649 What? No. We're talking about Joe. 290 00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:58,569 Oh, right. We're moving again ‘cause Joe's in the Army. 291 00:13:00,654 --> 00:13:03,115 I don't want to move to Omaha. 292 00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:05,326 My friends are here. 293 00:13:11,707 --> 00:13:12,708 What is this? 294 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:14,126 What do you think you're doing? 295 00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:15,920 Not that it's any of your business, Lois, 296 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,755 but I'm fighting fire with fire. 297 00:13:17,755 --> 00:13:20,132 Now, if you need me, I'll be chopping wood out front 298 00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:22,301 when all the stroller moms go by. 299 00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:27,973 Oh. 300 00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:29,433 - That's right, ladies. - Oh, my. 301 00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:31,101 - Oh. - I'll be here all morning, 302 00:13:31,185 --> 00:13:32,728 turning small pieces of wood 303 00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:35,940 into even smaller pieces of wood for no reason. 304 00:13:39,443 --> 00:13:41,862 Okay, so, for purposes of the claim, 305 00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:43,447 what was the cause of the accident? 306 00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:45,282 Yeah, I don't know how that thing broke. 307 00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:47,910 Well, I see your neighbor has a Nest camera. 308 00:13:55,417 --> 00:13:57,169 That was from a previous attempt. 309 00:13:57,253 --> 00:14:00,339 I thought I looked hot, but then the paperboy laughed. 310 00:14:00,339 --> 00:14:02,007 Un-Unless you think it worked? 311 00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:05,010 Sir, I'm just trying to find out what happened with the window 312 00:14:05,094 --> 00:14:07,429 and head home to eat a Runeberg torte, 313 00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:08,764 a dessert from Finland. 314 00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:11,308 Oh, yes. Named after the Finnish national poet, 315 00:14:11,392 --> 00:14:13,185 Johan Ludvig Runeberg. 316 00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:14,854 We kind of fell down a rabbit hole 317 00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,564 on those countries up there. 318 00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:23,487 Okay. Any better? 319 00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:26,490 Well, now I just smell Febreze and vomit. 320 00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:27,658 Stupid dog. 321 00:14:28,659 --> 00:14:31,579 Seems like having a car is a real pain. 322 00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:33,747 God, it's the wors... I mean, no way. 323 00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:35,541 Having a car is a dream. 324 00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:38,252 And having an expensive car you're constantly terrified 325 00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:39,962 about getting dinged or dirtied-- 326 00:14:39,962 --> 00:14:42,298 that's, like, the best thing you can hope for. 327 00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:44,925 Uhp, text from Brian. 328 00:14:45,009 --> 00:14:47,928 "Let me know if you're going on a Tums run." 329 00:14:48,012 --> 00:14:49,763 Ugh, so passive-aggressive. 330 00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:51,807 "Do you need Tums?" 331 00:14:57,938 --> 00:15:00,441 All right, Chris, as long as I'm going, 332 00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:01,609 do you need anything? 333 00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:03,861 Well, if you're going on a Desenex run, 334 00:15:03,861 --> 00:15:05,154 I wouldn't say no. 335 00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:06,196 Do you need Desenex? 336 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:08,490 Only if you're going on a run. 337 00:15:13,704 --> 00:15:15,539 : Hey, Joe. 338 00:15:15,623 --> 00:15:19,126 I was wondering if you needed to borrow a cup of sugar. 339 00:15:19,126 --> 00:15:21,003 No, thanks, Lois. 340 00:15:21,003 --> 00:15:23,797 And, also, that's not how the sugar thing usually works. 341 00:15:23,881 --> 00:15:25,007 Well, I just... 342 00:15:25,007 --> 00:15:26,967 Lois, you can stop with the phony excuses. 343 00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:29,011 I know why you've been doing what you're doing, 344 00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:30,638 and I think it's better if you stop. 345 00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:31,847 But, Joe, I just... 346 00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:33,807 Look, I've given this tremendous thought, 347 00:15:33,891 --> 00:15:36,310 wondering if the reason I became so excited 348 00:15:36,310 --> 00:15:39,229 by all that's happened is that Peter's a good friend 349 00:15:39,313 --> 00:15:41,440 and perhaps the affection you two share 350 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,442 was briefly channeled towards me 351 00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:46,195 as a reminder and renewal of the importance 352 00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:49,198 of maintaining a deep sense of wonder and curiosity about life. 353 00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:52,368 But then I realized it was mostly about seeing side-boob 354 00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:54,620 that was not my wife's side-boob. 355 00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:55,829 It just has to be different. 356 00:15:55,913 --> 00:15:57,456 I can't stress that enough. 357 00:15:57,456 --> 00:15:59,583 But-but I'm okay with that, Joe. 358 00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:01,961 Sorry, Lois. I can't do this to Peter. 359 00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:04,630 But please know that you have done a great service 360 00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:07,049 for my and Bonnie's sex life. 361 00:16:07,049 --> 00:16:09,760 Oh, I understand. 362 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:11,720 Bye, Joe. 363 00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:13,847 - Say, Lois. - Yes? 364 00:16:13,931 --> 00:16:17,017 You're not going on a catheter run, by any chance, are you? 365 00:16:17,101 --> 00:16:18,936 Do you need me to get you catheters? 366 00:16:18,936 --> 00:16:21,188 Only if you're going on a run. 367 00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:26,151 Stop kicking my seat! 368 00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:27,903 That's it! If I have to stop this car, 369 00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:29,738 there'll be no popsicles! 370 00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:32,199 Probably-probably no popsicles. 371 00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:35,911 La, la, la, la ♪ 372 00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,080 Simple life on a big wheel ♪ 373 00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,582 Very unencumbered. ♪ 374 00:16:44,628 --> 00:16:46,130 Aah! Rupert! 375 00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:47,715 Rupert, talk to me! 376 00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:49,299 How many fingers am I holding up? 377 00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:51,468 Two? No, it's three. 378 00:16:51,552 --> 00:16:53,595 Okay, the thumb isn't a finger-- you're right. 379 00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:56,724 So glad you're okay to point that out. 380 00:16:58,308 --> 00:17:00,477 Still, I thought I'd lost you. 381 00:17:00,561 --> 00:17:02,980 Oh, this car has brought me nothing but trouble. 382 00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:05,149 Well, there's only one thing to do. 383 00:17:05,149 --> 00:17:07,109 I don't know. I just parked it on the street, 384 00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:09,111 and when I woke up this morning, it was gone. 385 00:17:09,111 --> 00:17:11,238 Well, this Nest camera footage shows you 386 00:17:11,238 --> 00:17:13,991 dousing it in gasoline and setting it ablaze. 387 00:17:16,952 --> 00:17:19,872 I have Nest Cam footage of you pleasuring yourself 388 00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:20,873 in our hedges. 389 00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:22,416 Is a check okay? 390 00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:27,755 Yeah, I did a good thing for Joe and Bonnie's marriage. 391 00:17:27,755 --> 00:17:29,590 It's not about me, it's about them. 392 00:17:29,590 --> 00:17:31,008 And if I could do it for Joe... 393 00:17:32,342 --> 00:17:34,178 ...I can do it for a whole hospital wing 394 00:17:34,178 --> 00:17:35,846 of disabled veterans. 395 00:17:35,846 --> 00:17:38,724 Lois Griffin, reporting for duty. 396 00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:42,478 What possessed you to impersonate a nurse 397 00:17:42,478 --> 00:17:46,065 and give seven addled Korean War veterans sponge baths? 398 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:49,443 I'm a sexually desirable woman! 399 00:17:50,861 --> 00:17:53,405 Peter? Wh-What are you doing here? 400 00:17:53,489 --> 00:17:57,409 I smushed my thing up against the glass of a Lululemon. 401 00:18:02,873 --> 00:18:05,542 I'm really sorry for all the stuff I said earlier. 402 00:18:05,626 --> 00:18:07,169 Oh, me, too. 403 00:18:07,169 --> 00:18:09,963 It's just, after all these years, when I look at you, 404 00:18:10,047 --> 00:18:11,757 all I see is dealing with the kids, 405 00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:14,093 figuring out meals, going through the mail. 406 00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,678 It's great that Joe could see you like you used to be, 407 00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:18,180 but, for me, it's getting harder. 408 00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:19,932 No, it's my fault, too. 409 00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:21,809 I've taken us for granted, 410 00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:24,103 a-and it felt so nice to be seen 411 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:26,522 as the person I used to think I was. 412 00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:27,648 Truth is, eventually, 413 00:18:27,648 --> 00:18:29,691 I'd probably get bored with any woman. 414 00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:32,194 Might as well get bored with the woman I love. 415 00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:34,780 Well, I can sit here and tell you today 416 00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:37,699 I'm as bored with you as I've ever been. 417 00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:39,118 I love you. 418 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,911 I love you, too, Lois. 419 00:18:40,911 --> 00:18:42,996 - Oh! - Wow. 420 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:45,666 You know, I've never seen you in a nurse's outfit before. 421 00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:49,002 : And I've never seen you dressed as... 422 00:18:49,086 --> 00:18:50,921 Prom Night Tarzan? 423 00:18:50,921 --> 00:18:52,548 I'm a Chippendales dancer. 424 00:18:52,548 --> 00:18:55,092 Oh, Chippendales. 425 00:18:55,092 --> 00:18:57,511 I know they have a big cover charge. 426 00:18:57,511 --> 00:19:00,305 How much is the uncover charge? 427 00:19:00,389 --> 00:19:02,224 For you, it's $35, 428 00:19:02,224 --> 00:19:03,767 ‘cause you didn't bring enough people 429 00:19:03,851 --> 00:19:05,602 to qualify for the group rate, 430 00:19:05,686 --> 00:19:09,148 but it does include a $12 bottle of Costco champagne 431 00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:11,191 that we're gonna tell you is worth $100. 432 00:19:11,275 --> 00:19:13,694 Why? But... Peter, you're bad at this. 433 00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:16,280 No, no, you argue back and then we get all hot. 434 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:19,741 I'm raising two children alone in a single apartment. 435 00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:21,076 Okay, I'm back in. 436 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,579 Boy, you really made some mistakes in your life, 437 00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:26,999 haven't you, you little piece of trash? 438 00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,420 Uh, there's someone else in here. 439 00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:33,589 - Oh, my God! - What the hell? 440 00:19:33,589 --> 00:19:35,841 Principal Shepherd? You're in here, too? 441 00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:38,135 Yeah, I got into a slap fight with the Applebee's hostess 442 00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:39,761 because they wouldn't turn on Fox News. 443 00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:41,597 Y-You know what, we'll wait till we get home. 444 00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:42,890 We're so sorry. 445 00:19:42,890 --> 00:19:45,225 For what? I didn't tell you to stop. 446 00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:47,728 Um... okay. 447 00:19:52,774 --> 00:19:54,401 Oh, Peter! 448 00:19:54,401 --> 00:19:55,777 Oh, Lois! 449 00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:57,279 Can you call out the names 450 00:19:57,279 --> 00:19:59,114 of garbage people from Fox News? 451 00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:00,616 Oh, Hannity! 452 00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:01,825 Oh, Tucker! 453 00:20:01,909 --> 00:20:03,410 Oh, Judge Jeanine! 454 00:20:03,410 --> 00:20:05,162 Oh, Steve Doocy! 455 00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:07,122 Uh, who's that terrible blonde lady 456 00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:08,749 whose own family hates her? 457 00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:09,791 Laura Ingraham. 458 00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:12,044 Oh, Laura Ingraham! 459 00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:13,879 Yes! 460 00:20:19,134 --> 00:20:20,677 Oh, Peter, I'm so glad 461 00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:23,513 we were able to discover this new level of intimacy. 462 00:20:23,597 --> 00:20:25,807 I-I've never felt so connected to you. 463 00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:27,017 Me either. 464 00:20:27,017 --> 00:20:28,727 And I never knew your biggest fantasy 465 00:20:28,727 --> 00:20:31,480 was to do it as a cat from a children's book. 466 00:20:35,275 --> 00:20:36,610 For most of the night, 467 00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:38,695 Peter gooshed on her flumpkus. 468 00:20:38,779 --> 00:20:40,197 She crunkled his wanz-it. 469 00:20:40,197 --> 00:20:41,949 He boobled her bumpkus. 470 00:20:41,949 --> 00:20:45,702 The bangle-bong lasted till first break of day. 471 00:20:45,786 --> 00:20:48,288 Six times that night she screamed, 472 00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:50,457 "Zazu-ki-zay!" 473 00:20:50,457 --> 00:20:52,167 The end. 474 00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:53,543 Good night, Stewie. 475 00:20:53,627 --> 00:20:55,921 Don't read me books that you write. 476 00:21:28,996 --> 00:21:30,956 {\an8}Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH