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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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On which we used to rely? ♪
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Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
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All the things that make us ♪
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Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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{\an8}Ah, boy, do I love
the Fall Festival.
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{\an8}Especially how
everywhere you turn
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{\an8}is the smell of pumpkin spice.
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{\an8}Pumpkin spice.
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{\an8}Sounds like a reject
from a female British pop band.
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{\an8}Quit tossing your scarf
over your shoulder
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{\an8}to punctuate your jokes.
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{\an8}You know what, Peter?
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{\an8}I like me.
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{\an8}Look, "Guess Your Weight."
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{\an8}With a line that long, I'll
guess my own wait: 30 minutes.
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{\an8}Oop, see you in a few.
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{\an8}Got scarfed up.
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{\an8}No. No, no, no.
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{\an8}I don't-- I don't
throw in public.
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{\an8}Ugh, and I only fetch.
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{\an8}All right, I'll see
if I can get my money back.
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{\an8}Excuse me?
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{\an8}Oh, cool. I like your tattoo.
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{\an8}Oh, that? Yeah, that's the
Hormone Monstress.
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{\an8}She likes sex
and I like sex, so I figured
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{\an8}I'd permanently disfigure
myself with something
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{\an8}I'd seen on Netflix three times.
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{\an8}You like sex, huh?
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{\an8}You, uh, wouldn't maybe want
to grab dinner sometime?
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{\an8}Nah, but I'll bang you
in the porta-potty
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{\an8}back by the
very loud generators.
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{\an8}The one that smells like all
different pees mixed together?
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{\an8}Um, hell yes.
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{\an8}See ya, Stewie.
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{\an8}Wait, you're just going to
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{\an8}leave me here by myself?
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{\an8}Look at all these
ne'er-do-wells.
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{\an8}When's that guy
gonna do well? Ne'er.
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{\an8}Hello, carnival-goers, and
welcome to "Generation Gap,"
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{\an8}where we learn which of these
parents and kids
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{\an8}know each other best.
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{\an8}How'd you get Dad to agree
to be in this?
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{\an8}I rescued him from
the corn maze, so he owes me.
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{\an8}Oh.
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{\an8}Yeah, he was crying.
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{\an8}Okay, first question:
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{\an8}Parents, what does your child
want to be
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{\an8}when they grow up?
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{\an8}How did you answer,
Team Number One?
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{\an8}Lady NASA scientist.
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{\an8}Okay, weird, and what did
you say, Dad?
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{\an8}Hidden Figures gal?
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{\an8}Judges?
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A match.
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{\an8}Team Number Two?
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{\an8}You both said, "Retire after
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{\an8}large personal
injury settlement."
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{\an8}Bravo.
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Team Three?
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{\an8}Guy who holds the "Slow" sign
during road construction.
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{\an8}And, Dad, you said...?
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{\an8}Leprechaun.
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{\an8}Ooh, our first wrong answer.
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{\an8}Fat Leprechaun?
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{\an8}Also incorrect.
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{\an8}You may not understand the game.
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{\an8}Next question:
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{\an8}Kids, what would your parent
say is their hobby?
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{\an8}Team Number One?
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{\an8}Refurbishing people's
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{\an8}garage door openers.
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{\an8}That's a match.
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It's one button.
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{\an8}You just got to fix one button.
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{\an8}Okay, final question.
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{\an8}Team Three, who is your child's
favorite singer?
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{\an8}The Price is Right yodeler.
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{\an8}What? No. I said Adele.
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{\an8}Judges?
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{\an8}Ugh, this is more humiliating
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{\an8}than my first day working at
that rice pilaf company.
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{\an8}You know, I think we can start
putting pilaf in other things.
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{\an8}Lois, can I see you
in my office for a second?
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{\an8}I told you not to rock
the boat over there.
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{\an8}Oh, there you are, little dude.
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{\an8}Ah, finally back from
the carnival, I see.
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{\an8}Ah, it was amazing.
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{\an8}I got to tell you
all about Amber, amigo.
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{\an8}"Little dude"? "Amigo"?
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Brian, have you...
have you forgotten my name?
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I don't know, I-I spent
the whole afternoon
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drinking ethanol out of a ladle.
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It's "Stewie."
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Stewie, right.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
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Anyway, Amber is, like,
the perfect girl for me.
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How old is she, even?
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Well, she's so weathered
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that that's a hard number
to peg.
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Either 27 or 61.
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But the thing is, Stewie,
she's leaving town
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with the carnival
in three days, Stewie,
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so it's sex-sex-sex and
then "adios," Stewie.
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By the way, and, like,
relax about this,
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but is abortion
still legal in Rhode Island?
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Peter, it was humiliating
having the whole town witness
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you and Chris not knowing the
first thing about each other.
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I know the first
thing about him.
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It was his goopy head squishing
out of you like toothpaste.
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Peter, it's important
a boy knows his father.
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Now go up to Chris' room
and talk to him.
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Hey, Chris, can I talk
to you for a second?
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Next door over, Chief.
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Roger that.
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Yeah, Pop? What's up?
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Oh, I'm so sorry.
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- Chris?
- Yes?
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Phew.
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Is there something
you want, Dad?
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I don't know.
Your mom sent me up here.
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We-we embarrassed her in front
of the town or something.
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Ugh, that is so Mom,
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always getting mad about
stuff that doesn't even matter.
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Oh, my God, tell me about it.
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I can't tell you how tired
I am of hearing,
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"Peter, don't use my hair dryer
to dry your anus."
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Yeah, or
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"Chris, stop freezing
bees until they fall asleep
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and gluing little leashes
on them."
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Totally.
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God, I can't believe
you notice this stuff, too.
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Oh, you mean like how if a pair
of her underpants goes missing
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she can't just let it go
and move on?
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Exactly.
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Well, sounds like bonding to me.
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Looks like somebody worked some
pretty good mom magic.
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Huh? Where the hell
are all my underpants?
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Okay, place your bets.
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Stewie's shoe: burn or melt?
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I'm gonna say
a little bit of melt,
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and then a lot
of very quick burn.
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Wow, would not have expected
rainbow sparks.
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Lot of chemicals
near my baby's foot.
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Well, look at you two
getting along.
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Now I wonder who made
that happ--
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Oh, my God, are you
lighting fires in the house?
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Huh. Just what we
guessed you'd say.
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Yeah, it was either
gonna be that or,
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"I'm Lois. When I don't
hit my step goals,
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I spin my arm
around to trick my Fitbit."
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Wh-What is that?
Is that supposed to be me?
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Oh, I don't know.
Maybe you'll recognize this one.
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"I'm Mom. I cry on the toilet
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as I circle things in catalogs
I'll never afford."
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Ah, damn it.
Look what you guys did.
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All right, men, looks like Mom's
got this one under control.
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Now back to the station for
spaghetti and a group shower.
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Oh, hey, Stewie, perfect timing.
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- Amber, come meet Stewie.
- Pass.
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Ooh, he's so cute.
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I just got to kidnap him,
don't I?
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Would you like that?
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I stuff you in a duffel bag,
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zip it up, we're in Indiana
before you know it?
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Charmed.
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Isn't she awesome?
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You want to come inside, babe?
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Nah, I'm just gonna park it here
for a few hours
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and watch Fuller House
on my stepson's cracked iPad.
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I'm telling you, Stewie, this
thing is all next-level sex.
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The rugs in her van are just
filled with crushed Froot Loops.
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So, while we're doing it, I can
lean over and lick the crumbs.
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I'm familiar with
the temptations
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of crushed Froot Loops,
thank you.
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Brian, you should know
the Nextdoor app
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is on fire right now.
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"Have you seen the van?"
"What's with the van?"
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"Here's a photo of the van."
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"I checked with the police
and we can't get rid of the van
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unless we witness
criminal activity."
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And then just some
nervous comments
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about the Black Amazon driver,
but you get the gist.
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Hurry up, gang,
the movie starts soon.
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What are we seeing, Mom?
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Oh, something I've been
waiting forever for:
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00:08:39,227 --> 00:08:41,938
Penelope's Struggle
starring Renée Zellweger.
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The dramatic, true story
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00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:46,359
of the first female
carriage driver for the Queen.
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That movie sounds terrible.
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00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:50,405
And, besides, Chris and I had
our hearts set on seeing
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00:08:50,405 --> 00:08:53,158
the re-release of
You Don't Mess with the Zohan,
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now remastered
to be 40% louder.
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00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:59,247
Oh, but, Peter,
you know I always choose
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00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:01,374
the movie for
family movie night.
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00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,293
It's tradition.
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00:09:03,293 --> 00:09:08,340
Yeah, but just now I'm realizing
Chris and me are two guys.
201
00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:10,175
And you're only one guy.
202
00:09:10,175 --> 00:09:11,843
So, technically,
we can outvote you.
203
00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:13,970
I'm sorry. Out-outvote me?
204
00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:15,555
But-- but what about Meg?
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00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:16,890
I-I mean, she obviously
gets a vo--
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00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:19,059
All in on Zohan, bro.
207
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:21,269
My armpit is smelly
208
00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:24,397
and now you smell like
my smelly armpit.
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00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:26,483
The whispers
in this movie
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00:09:26,483 --> 00:09:28,860
would be yells in other movies.
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00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:36,534
Ugh, these are basically steps,
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00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:38,328
it's the same thing as steps.
213
00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:40,455
You can put all that away, Lois.
214
00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:42,665
Me and Chris just bought
dinner at the grocery store.
215
00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:45,585
The-the grocery store?
W-Without me?
216
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,962
Okay, so everybody gets
four puddings
217
00:09:47,962 --> 00:09:49,756
and their own package
of bologna.
218
00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:52,133
But I spent all day
making lasagna.
219
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:53,843
Yeah, no, our thing is more fun.
220
00:09:53,843 --> 00:09:54,886
Shall we take a vote?
221
00:09:54,886 --> 00:09:56,262
All in favor say "aye."
222
00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:57,430
- Aye.
- Aye.
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00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:58,473
The "ayes" have it.
224
00:09:58,473 --> 00:09:59,974
Sorry, Lois, democracy.
225
00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:02,310
Oh, and we're dragging
the TV into the dining room.
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00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:04,270
What? You know that's
not allowed.
227
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:05,438
Vote? All in favor say "aye."
228
00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:06,564
- Aye.
- Aye.
229
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:09,067
"Ayes" have it, sorry.
Kids, dinner.
230
00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:14,781
Dad, can we watch
The White Lotus ?
231
00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:15,782
Why not?
232
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,033
I poop in a suitcase,
233
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,660
I'm wrestled
to the ground at LaGuardia.
234
00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:20,745
That guy does it: gold statue.
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00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:26,292
Oh, boy.
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00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,460
What? What is it?
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00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:28,753
Text from Amber:
238
00:10:28,753 --> 00:10:30,755
"We should talk
about where this is going."
239
00:10:30,755 --> 00:10:32,882
Man, what if she wants
to get married?
240
00:10:32,882 --> 00:10:34,968
Ugh, looks like I have
to break things off with her.
241
00:10:39,681 --> 00:10:42,475
Hey, Amber.
Listen, I got your text--
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00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:44,602
Brian, this here
ain't working out.
243
00:10:44,602 --> 00:10:46,062
We need to break up.
244
00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:48,648
What?
You're breaking up with me?
245
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,943
Whoa. Dumped by a carny. Brutal.
246
00:10:51,943 --> 00:10:54,070
Yeah, I've been thinking.
247
00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:55,905
We don't really
have much in common.
248
00:10:55,905 --> 00:10:58,616
I mean, you don't know
a single Kid Rock lyric
249
00:10:58,616 --> 00:11:01,202
or the names of
any monster trucks.
250
00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:04,539
Monst-- I--
Grave Maker, that's one.
251
00:11:04,539 --> 00:11:08,043
Ah! Grave Digger!
You're embarrassing yourself!
252
00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:10,253
Come on, what's this
really about?
253
00:11:10,253 --> 00:11:12,088
Is this because I couldn't
smash that Percocet
254
00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:13,340
into powder fast enough?
255
00:11:15,717 --> 00:11:19,179
Goodbye, Brian.
256
00:11:21,473 --> 00:11:24,684
Wow, buddy, I just want you
to know that I'm...
257
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:25,894
She's stealing our mail.
258
00:11:25,894 --> 00:11:27,270
She's stealing our mail!
259
00:11:30,315 --> 00:11:32,359
Thanks for meeting me, guys.
260
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:33,860
I should warn you:
this is gonna be
261
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:36,988
a two-hands-on-the-coffee-cup
conversation.
262
00:11:36,988 --> 00:11:40,200
All right. Time to get
some work done.
263
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,284
Don't mind me.
264
00:11:41,284 --> 00:11:43,161
This is screenwriting software.
265
00:11:43,161 --> 00:11:44,537
You've probably
never seen it before.
266
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,331
You guys, I don't know
what to do.
267
00:11:46,331 --> 00:11:48,958
I-I told Peter to bond
with Chris, and he did,
268
00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:51,002
but now, well,
it's like they've stolen
269
00:11:51,002 --> 00:11:52,504
all the power in the family.
270
00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:53,797
Oh, no, no, no.
271
00:11:53,797 --> 00:11:56,091
For a mother to remain
in control of her family,
272
00:11:56,091 --> 00:11:58,468
she needs to make sure
there are no alliances
273
00:11:58,468 --> 00:11:59,761
she's not a part of.
274
00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:01,429
If a scene is in the sea,
275
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:04,015
would you put
"interior" or "exterior"?
276
00:12:04,015 --> 00:12:05,141
Ah, never mind.
277
00:12:05,141 --> 00:12:06,476
No alliances, huh?
278
00:12:06,476 --> 00:12:08,186
What's a funny name for a boat?
279
00:12:08,186 --> 00:12:09,479
Well, then, that's it.
280
00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:11,940
I have to drive a wedge
between Peter and Chris.
281
00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:13,775
Push them back apart.
282
00:12:13,775 --> 00:12:17,946
Okay, now to loudly watch this
Aaron Sorkin MasterClass.
283
00:12:17,946 --> 00:12:20,990
Hi, I'm Aaron Sorkin and
I've been paid a lot of money
284
00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:23,702
to give you false hope
about your ridiculous dream.
285
00:12:23,702 --> 00:12:25,787
Oh, thanks, you guys.
286
00:12:25,787 --> 00:12:27,163
I got this.
287
00:12:27,163 --> 00:12:28,498
What the hell?
288
00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:29,916
My credit card is gone.
289
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:34,587
"Dear Lois,
290
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:37,799
Chris and I borrowed your credit
card to shop for fireworks
291
00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:40,468
you would normally
have to be a town to buy."
292
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,350
Ow! Ow! Ow!
293
00:12:47,350 --> 00:12:49,144
Gather all the fingers! Ow!
294
00:12:56,234 --> 00:13:00,864
All right, time to put an end
to this Peter-Chris alliance.
295
00:13:00,864 --> 00:13:04,159
Hey, FYI, I accidentally got
in the shower with my socks on.
296
00:13:04,159 --> 00:13:05,618
I wasn't sure what to do,
297
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,829
so I just mashed them down
the drain with my elbow.
298
00:13:07,829 --> 00:13:09,748
Peter, we need to talk.
299
00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:12,542
I just found the oddest thing
in Chris' room.
300
00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:14,919
It's this essay he apparently
wrote for school
301
00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:17,589
about his hero: Joe Swanson.
302
00:13:17,589 --> 00:13:19,049
Joe Swanson?
303
00:13:19,049 --> 00:13:20,133
Let me see that.
304
00:13:21,176 --> 00:13:24,012
Okay, th-this is actually quite
long, can you just summarize it?
305
00:13:24,012 --> 00:13:26,639
Chris says,
"Mr. Swanson's skewed take
306
00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:30,101
"on contemporary politics
is painfully astute
307
00:13:30,101 --> 00:13:31,853
and refreshingly twisted."
308
00:13:31,853 --> 00:13:33,355
That son of a bitch.
309
00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:35,231
I've been like
a father to that kid.
310
00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:36,524
I know, right?
311
00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:38,860
I mean, who does Chris
think he is?
312
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,405
The last three pages
is all about
313
00:13:42,405 --> 00:13:45,075
how you're aging as well
as Jennifer Lopez.
314
00:13:46,201 --> 00:13:47,869
Well, that's our son.
315
00:13:47,869 --> 00:13:49,829
Oh, hey, Chris.
316
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:51,664
You know, I just found
the oddest thing
317
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,166
in your father's room:
318
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:56,294
an essay he wrote for work
about his favorite son,
319
00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:58,672
Charles from Charles in Charge.
320
00:13:58,672 --> 00:14:01,549
What? But Charles wasn't
even one of the sons.
321
00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:03,385
He was their babysitter.
322
00:14:03,385 --> 00:14:05,261
I'm so sorry.
323
00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:07,430
I know it must be hard
to hear that your father
324
00:14:07,430 --> 00:14:09,432
would rather be a parent
to a fictional character
325
00:14:09,432 --> 00:14:12,477
who the writers, in five
seasons, never even bothered
326
00:14:12,477 --> 00:14:14,020
to give a last name--
327
00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:16,606
a totally weird but true fact,
feel free to Google that--
328
00:14:16,606 --> 00:14:17,857
than his own son.
329
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:21,069
I hate him so much.
330
00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:25,031
Wait, Dad dots all his
I's with a smiley face?
331
00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:26,783
Yeah, that means he's got flair.
332
00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:28,535
Maybe those faces
brighten his otherwise
333
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:30,745
bleak day just a tiny bit.
334
00:14:30,745 --> 00:14:32,205
Maybe he's known for them.
335
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:35,041
I don't know,
it seems stupid and weird.
336
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:36,584
You're stupid and weird!
337
00:14:36,584 --> 00:14:38,294
Now I see why
your father prefers
338
00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:40,463
Charles Last Name Unknown.
339
00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:47,554
Hello, uh, my name is Stewie,
340
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:49,931
and I'm a milk-aholic.
341
00:14:49,931 --> 00:14:51,850
Okay, I figured out
what I got to do:
342
00:14:51,850 --> 00:14:54,060
I need to get back together
with Amber.
343
00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:56,354
What? But I thought you were
just about to break up with her.
344
00:14:56,354 --> 00:14:59,274
Brian, are you sure this isn't
just your wounded ego talking?
345
00:14:59,274 --> 00:15:00,775
Pfft, no. What?
346
00:15:00,775 --> 00:15:02,402
No, I-I can really
see us together.
347
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:05,613
There's something romantic about
her style of life on the road.
348
00:15:05,613 --> 00:15:07,699
Oh, really?
What's the romantic part?
349
00:15:07,699 --> 00:15:10,160
Taking a whore bath
in a Taco Bell restroom
350
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:13,121
or peeing in a Gatorade bottle
that you leave near a payphone?
351
00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:14,622
You don't know what
you're talking about.
352
00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:15,790
Don't I?
353
00:15:15,790 --> 00:15:18,084
Because I think that
you can't stand
354
00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:19,878
that you got dumped by a carny,
355
00:15:19,878 --> 00:15:22,005
someone you feel
is inferior to you.
356
00:15:22,005 --> 00:15:24,299
Fine, you're right, okay?
I'm pissed.
357
00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:27,552
That's why I'm off to win
Amber back so I can dump her.
358
00:15:27,552 --> 00:15:30,055
Look, man, I don't know if
Lois and the fat man told you,
359
00:15:30,055 --> 00:15:32,265
but they found a lump
on your neck.
360
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:34,768
Is this really what you want
to spend your time on?
361
00:15:38,396 --> 00:15:39,981
What the hell?
362
00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:42,942
I thought you said we were both
gonna get Mark Davis haircuts.
363
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,861
- Who's that?
- This maniac.
364
00:15:46,905 --> 00:15:48,948
I don't know what
you're talking about.
365
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,992
I'm talking about
the voice mail you left me.
366
00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:53,953
Which now I see was all just
a trick to humiliate me.
367
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:56,915
- I didn't leave you
a voice mail.
- Oh, no?
368
00:15:56,915 --> 00:15:58,917
Uh, hey, Dad.
369
00:15:58,917 --> 00:16:00,794
It's your son, Chris.
370
00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:02,962
Hot Pockets and Fortnite.
371
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:06,091
Son of a bitch,
I guess I did call you.
372
00:16:06,091 --> 00:16:08,593
Hey, know what could be fun?
373
00:16:08,593 --> 00:16:12,430
If we both got bowl haircuts
like-- Oh, hang on.
374
00:16:12,430 --> 00:16:13,848
Estrogen smoothie, please.
375
00:16:13,848 --> 00:16:15,850
Sorry, I'm busy
tricking my husband.
376
00:16:15,850 --> 00:16:17,268
Wait a minute.
377
00:16:17,268 --> 00:16:19,896
I would never trick my husband.
378
00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:22,816
Dad, I think Mom
may have left that message.
379
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:24,651
But why?
380
00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:27,570
You think she's, like, trying
to get us mad at each other?
381
00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:30,573
Well, it would certainly
explain the voice mail I got.
382
00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:32,242
Hey, Chris,
Principal Shepherd here.
383
00:16:32,242 --> 00:16:35,578
So, listen, the nurse
is going to press charges
384
00:16:35,578 --> 00:16:37,497
for you touching her breast.
385
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:40,583
I offered her the money
like you said, but, well,
386
00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:42,210
that seemed to make it worse.
387
00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:44,212
So, we either got to come up
on that number
388
00:16:44,212 --> 00:16:45,839
or find a different plan,
389
00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:50,635
but methinks a lawyer
is in our future. Hmph.
390
00:16:50,635 --> 00:16:52,762
Anyway, call me back,
391
00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:56,933
but remember the rule on these:
delete, delete, delete.
392
00:16:56,933 --> 00:16:58,893
Message saved.
393
00:16:58,893 --> 00:17:01,354
What kind of game
is Mom playing?
394
00:17:13,575 --> 00:17:16,077
♪ Last night I took
a walk after dark ♪
395
00:17:16,077 --> 00:17:19,080
♪ A swingin' place called
Palisades Park ♪
396
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:22,208
♪ To have some fun
and see what I could see ♪
397
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:24,169
That's where the girls are. ♪
398
00:17:24,169 --> 00:17:26,671
Brian? What are you doing?
399
00:17:26,671 --> 00:17:28,715
Amber, please take me back.
400
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:30,675
Look, I even brought you
a peace offering:
401
00:17:30,675 --> 00:17:32,844
a pack of cigarettes
and some Nicorette gum
402
00:17:32,844 --> 00:17:35,013
because I wasn't sure which way
you wanted to go this week.
403
00:17:35,013 --> 00:17:37,057
Aw, that's sweet.
404
00:17:37,057 --> 00:17:40,435
I'm-a smoke and chew them both
for an extra nicotine surge.
405
00:17:40,435 --> 00:17:42,604
It's what carnies call
"The Surf and Turf."
406
00:17:42,604 --> 00:17:43,855
Well, that doesn't
make much sense,
407
00:17:43,855 --> 00:17:45,523
but it sure is two things.
408
00:17:45,523 --> 00:17:48,401
Amber, we have
something special.
409
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:50,278
I want us to grow mold together.
410
00:17:50,278 --> 00:17:52,447
Aw, me, too.
411
00:17:52,447 --> 00:17:54,491
And I'd love
to take you back, Brian,
412
00:17:54,491 --> 00:17:55,909
but if we're a couple,
that means
413
00:17:55,909 --> 00:17:58,119
you'd have to be willing
to come on the road
414
00:17:58,119 --> 00:18:00,372
and work the carnival with me.
415
00:18:00,372 --> 00:18:02,624
I mean, that's my life.
416
00:18:02,624 --> 00:18:04,417
Of course.
I'm totally up for that.
417
00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:05,293
Really?
418
00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:07,504
Aw, that's boss!
419
00:18:07,504 --> 00:18:08,922
Let's do it!
420
00:18:08,922 --> 00:18:10,882
Okay, great, so you
do take me back?
421
00:18:10,882 --> 00:18:13,009
Well, then, as long as we're
officially a couple again,
422
00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:14,469
I have something to say.
423
00:18:14,469 --> 00:18:16,513
Amber, if you think
for one second--
424
00:18:16,513 --> 00:18:20,892
Oh, my gosh, Uncle Earl, you got
to meet my new boyfriend Brian.
425
00:18:20,892 --> 00:18:22,602
Good to meet you, Brian.
426
00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,813
But don't you break
her heart, you hear?
427
00:18:24,813 --> 00:18:26,606
Last guy who treated her wrong
428
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:28,566
had his scrotum
nail-clippered off,
429
00:18:28,566 --> 00:18:31,236
then got kicked to death
behind a Chick-fil-A.
430
00:18:31,236 --> 00:18:33,988
I assure you, my intentions
are strictly honorable.
431
00:18:33,988 --> 00:18:35,657
Okay, then.
432
00:18:35,657 --> 00:18:39,202
I'm just telling you this as
her uncle and her ex-boyfriend.
433
00:18:45,917 --> 00:18:47,085
Check it out, Chris.
434
00:18:47,085 --> 00:18:49,295
Your mom tries to turn us
against each other?
435
00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:51,673
Well, this ought to teach her
a thing or two.
436
00:18:51,673 --> 00:18:54,342
Your plan is to drop
a piano on Mom?
437
00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:55,343
No, not at all.
438
00:18:55,343 --> 00:18:57,262
See, your mother
loves this piano,
439
00:18:57,262 --> 00:18:59,264
and by stringing it up
in the air like this,
440
00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:01,182
she'll never be able
to touch it again.
441
00:19:01,182 --> 00:19:02,767
That's genius.
442
00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:05,603
My plan was just to suggest
something to you halfheartedly
443
00:19:05,603 --> 00:19:07,814
and then immediately back down
like a beta.
444
00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:09,149
I think we should
go with my plan.
445
00:19:09,149 --> 00:19:11,026
No, yeah,
your-your plan is better.
446
00:19:11,026 --> 00:19:13,445
Oh, hey, you two.
What's all this?
447
00:19:13,445 --> 00:19:14,946
Don't play dumb, Mom.
448
00:19:14,946 --> 00:19:16,990
Chris and I see you're
trying to push us apart.
449
00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:19,367
Yeah, we're your husband
and your son
450
00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:21,661
and we were actually getting
to know each other,
451
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:25,874
but it seems like some part
of you wanted that to fail.
452
00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:29,085
Oh, you guys, I am so sorry.
453
00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:30,628
You're right.
454
00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:33,173
I guess, at first, I felt bad
you were making fun of me,
455
00:19:33,173 --> 00:19:35,675
and then later I resented
that you'd removed me entirely
456
00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:38,053
from any family decision-making.
457
00:19:38,053 --> 00:19:40,096
But what I did was awful.
458
00:19:40,096 --> 00:19:42,640
I genuinely hope you
can forgive me.
459
00:19:45,977 --> 00:19:49,939
Honestly, Lois, I'm not certain
I will be able to excuse this.
460
00:19:49,939 --> 00:19:53,360
But I pray that, with time,
healing may come.
461
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:56,863
What? You do something crazy
basically once a week
462
00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:58,615
and I always forgive you.
463
00:19:58,615 --> 00:20:01,785
Fine. Get a Mark Davis haircut
and we'll call it even.
464
00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:04,788
I hate you for this, Peter.
465
00:20:04,788 --> 00:20:06,081
I know.
466
00:20:06,081 --> 00:20:08,333
Now let's go upstairs
and have idiot sex.
467
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,382
Well, these last few days--
468
00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:17,634
Ahh! Son of a bitch!
469
00:20:17,634 --> 00:20:19,260
Dad never took the piano down.
470
00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:21,721
I think it just fell on Brian.
471
00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:24,391
He has had a bad week.
472
00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:27,352
Anyway,
like I was saying,
473
00:20:27,352 --> 00:20:29,562
these last few days
have been quite an adventure,
474
00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:32,148
but I'm just happy that
everything is back to normal.
475
00:20:32,148 --> 00:20:34,859
Yes. And now I must away
to the sea,
476
00:20:34,859 --> 00:20:37,862
and hunt down the orca
that killed my Pappy.
477
00:20:37,862 --> 00:20:39,614
Be careful, my love,
478
00:20:39,614 --> 00:20:42,951
for no one truly knows
the secrets of the inky deep.
479
00:20:42,951 --> 00:20:45,245
Fare thee well, my love.
480
00:20:45,245 --> 00:20:51,209
I'm sailing away... ♪
481
00:20:51,209 --> 00:20:55,171
As "Come Sail Away" by Styx
begins to play,
482
00:20:55,171 --> 00:20:56,923
Peter heads off to the harbor,
483
00:20:56,923 --> 00:20:58,883
and we fade out.
484
00:20:58,883 --> 00:21:00,927
Thank you, Mr. Sorkin.
485
00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:11,021
{\an8}♪ Come sail away,
come sail away ♪
486
00:21:11,021 --> 00:21:14,399
{\an8}Come sail away with me, lads ♪
487
00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:17,444
{\an8}♪ Come sail away,
come sail away ♪
488
00:21:17,444 --> 00:21:21,072
{\an8}Come sail away with me ♪
489
00:21:21,072 --> 00:21:24,367
{\an8}♪ Come sail away,
come sail away ♪
490
00:21:24,367 --> 00:21:27,620
{\an8}Come sail away with me, babe ♪
491
00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:29,080
{\an8}Come sail away ♪
492
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:30,957
{\an8}Come sail away, come... ♪