1 00:00:02,627 --> 00:00:04,713 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,713 --> 00:00:08,049 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,049 --> 00:00:12,262 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:14,389 On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,389 --> 00:00:18,101 Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,101 --> 00:00:21,521 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,106 All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:25,442 Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:25,442 --> 00:00:30,071 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ♪ 10 00:00:34,075 --> 00:00:37,328 We now return to Lassie, starring Vin Diesel. 11 00:00:37,328 --> 00:00:39,039 What is it, Lassie? 12 00:00:41,332 --> 00:00:43,168 There's a fire down at the old church? 13 00:00:45,170 --> 00:00:47,839 And The Rock won't return your texts or phone calls? 14 00:00:50,091 --> 00:00:51,968 He totally blew you off backstage 15 00:00:51,968 --> 00:00:53,428 at the Kids' Choice Awards? 16 00:00:53,428 --> 00:00:55,180 Was he hosting or just presenting? 17 00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:57,640 Oh, well, that's why. 18 00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:01,227 {\an8}Hey, fellas, three more beers and a Johnnie Wheeler? 19 00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:04,647 {\an8}Yep. 20 00:01:04,647 --> 00:01:07,317 {\an8}Man, I love drinking on a Saturday morning. 21 00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:09,819 {\an8}Thank God I figured out how to sneak out of my house. 22 00:01:09,819 --> 00:01:11,571 {\an8}Has anyone seen your father? 23 00:01:11,571 --> 00:01:13,406 {\an8}I swear he was just here a minute ago. 24 00:01:17,577 --> 00:01:19,621 {\an8}- Hi, Dad. - I'm a waffle. 25 00:01:19,621 --> 00:01:21,456 {\an8}Peter, you're not going to The Clam, are you? 26 00:01:21,456 --> 00:01:22,457 Waffle! 27 00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:24,167 {\an8}Now prepare yourselves 28 00:01:24,167 --> 00:01:26,836 {\an8}'cause the sun is never brighter than when you're day-drinking. 29 00:01:26,836 --> 00:01:28,797 {\an8}Oh, I think I can handle... 30 00:01:28,797 --> 00:01:30,048 Aah! 31 00:01:30,048 --> 00:01:32,217 {\an8}I'm sorry for reading people's mail. 32 00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:36,971 {\an8}Look, one of them scooters you see everywhere 33 00:01:36,971 --> 00:01:38,515 {\an8}what runs by a app. 34 00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:43,228 {\an8}Boy, if this is what we get, imagine what the military has. 35 00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:44,437 {\an8}What? 36 00:01:44,437 --> 00:01:46,147 {\an8}It's a perfectly reasonable comment. 37 00:01:46,147 --> 00:01:49,192 {\an8}You know, the military had the Internet way before we did. 38 00:01:49,192 --> 00:01:51,986 {\an8}GPS, drones, you name it. Look around, guys. 39 00:01:51,986 --> 00:01:54,656 {\an8}It's an amazing time to be alive. 40 00:01:56,741 --> 00:01:59,994 {\an8}Wonders ♪ 41 00:01:59,994 --> 00:02:04,666 {\an8}We're surrounded by wonders ♪ 42 00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:11,131 {\an8}♪ That phone in your pocket could power a rocket ♪ 43 00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:16,678 {\an8}♪ But what does the military have? ♪ 44 00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:18,847 {\an8}Joe's song made me kind of want to try it. 45 00:02:18,847 --> 00:02:21,808 {\an8}All right, now to scan this simple code 46 00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:24,686 {\an8}like every middle-aged white guy. 47 00:02:24,686 --> 00:02:29,190 {\an8}It's not... I can't... I'm doing exactly what it said. 48 00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:31,776 {\an8}I-I... Do I take a picture, or...? 49 00:02:31,776 --> 00:02:34,362 {\an8}Is there an actual person I can talk to? 50 00:02:34,362 --> 00:02:35,697 {\an8}'Cause it's not working. 51 00:02:35,697 --> 00:02:37,532 {\an8}Oh, okay. No, wait, now it's doing something. 52 00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:40,160 Computers, am I right? - No, you're not. 53 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:44,456 {\an8}-"Push off." - You're choking me. 54 00:02:46,124 --> 00:02:50,253 {\an8}Holiday road ♪ 55 00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:55,508 {\an8}Holiday road ♪ 56 00:02:56,509 --> 00:03:00,221 {\an8}Holiday road. ♪ 57 00:03:00,221 --> 00:03:02,599 {\an8}Peter, where are we going? 58 00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:04,434 {\an8}Relax. It's our nation's capital. 59 00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:05,602 {\an8}I'm just a fan of history. 60 00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:08,146 {\an8}Peter, what are you up to? 61 00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:10,398 {\an8}What? I just love our government. 62 00:03:10,398 --> 00:03:12,067 {\an8}Or at least I used to. 63 00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:16,363 {\an8}Hey, Cleveland, wake up. 64 00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:17,906 {\an8}No, don't wake him. Don't wake him. 65 00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:19,574 {\an8}I don't think he wants to be reminded. 66 00:03:24,579 --> 00:03:27,040 {\an8}All those in favor of a giant key ring 67 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,584 {\an8}for our jail cell, say "aye." 68 00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:32,003 {\an8}Mayor West, four citizens have gone missing. 69 00:03:32,003 --> 00:03:34,381 {\an8}They were last seen heading south on a Bird scooter. 70 00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:36,216 {\an8}Saddle my horse. 71 00:03:40,095 --> 00:03:43,431 {\an8}As mayor, I reckon it's my duty to round up the strays 72 00:03:43,431 --> 00:03:44,974 {\an8}and bring 'em back to safety. 73 00:03:44,974 --> 00:03:47,644 {\an8}He-yaw! 74 00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:50,855 {\an8}Oops, sorry. They-yaw! 75 00:03:50,855 --> 00:03:52,732 {\an8}Thank you. 76 00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:57,904 Holiday road ♪ 77 00:03:57,904 --> 00:04:02,075 Holiday road. ♪ 78 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,910 {\an8}All right, I've been driving for 18 hours. 79 00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:05,161 {\an8}Someone else take the wheel-- aah! 80 00:04:05,161 --> 00:04:07,414 {\an8}Loose opioid! 81 00:04:12,127 --> 00:04:14,045 {\an8}Oh, crap. A alligator. 82 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:19,217 {\an8}Oh, hey. Would you consider not eating us? 83 00:04:19,217 --> 00:04:21,511 {\an8}Uh... yeah. Maybe. 84 00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:24,639 {\an8}- Oh, thank God. - I think "maybe" means "no." 85 00:04:24,639 --> 00:04:27,017 {\an8}He's just being polite. He's gonna eat us. 86 00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:35,984 Well, look at that, 87 00:04:35,984 --> 00:04:39,154 {\an8}six summers at Lasso Camp finally paid off. 88 00:04:39,154 --> 00:04:40,947 {\an8}That's where you learned to use the ropes? 89 00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:43,283 {\an8}No, it was Ted Lasso Camp. 90 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,577 {\an8}That's where I learned to be nice funny. 91 00:04:45,577 --> 00:04:48,496 {\an8}Sometimes comedy is building people up. 92 00:04:48,496 --> 00:04:51,041 {\an8}I know, I know. It's hard to change. 93 00:04:58,048 --> 00:05:01,551 Yep, we're back from space, everyone. We did it. 94 00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:03,762 They know you weren't in space, Peter. 95 00:05:03,762 --> 00:05:06,306 There are social media posts of you crying 96 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,974 'cause you couldn't stop a scooter. 97 00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:09,726 But we're still glad you're home. 98 00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:14,105 Boy, Mayor West is a hero, always saving the day. 99 00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:15,940 One day, I want to be mayor. 100 00:05:15,940 --> 00:05:17,734 Well, Stewie, it's a noble aspiration. 101 00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:19,944 A good start would be learning about politics 102 00:05:19,944 --> 00:05:22,489 - and getting involved at school. - Eh, I suppose so. 103 00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:25,325 A vote for Doug is a vote for progress. 104 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,327 Oh, hey, Stewie. 105 00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:30,121 I had no idea I'd run into the town square 106 00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:31,706 in the Town Square. 107 00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:34,334 Are you gonna go down the hot metal slide 108 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:35,835 in shorts again? 109 00:05:35,835 --> 00:05:39,297 Yes, Doug, I made a mistake. That's how you learn things. 110 00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:40,799 What are those flyers for? 111 00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:43,093 I'm running for preschool snack captain. 112 00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:44,844 Throwing my diaper into the ring. 113 00:05:44,844 --> 00:05:47,222 All the snack captain does is wear a paper hat 114 00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:49,516 while the teacher passes out Goldfish crackers. 115 00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:51,434 Sure, but you know what they say. 116 00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:54,896 "Today, snack captain, tomorrow, mayor." 117 00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:57,357 - Mayor? - This is just a formality. 118 00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,484 My opponent Noah got foot-in-mouth disease, 119 00:05:59,484 --> 00:06:01,403 so I'm running unopposed. 120 00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:04,239 I'd really have to put my foot in my mouth to lose. 121 00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:07,534 Ho-ho. Is funny because wordplay. 122 00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:10,870 Huh, I guess Fuad still lives in Quahog. 123 00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:14,749 Brian, Stewie Griffin is now running for snack captain. 124 00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:17,210 And I will defeat that jerk Doug. 125 00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:20,797 Well, we got our fellas back, and I reached my steps today. 126 00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:22,924 - What's that? - Oh, it's a watch that tracks 127 00:06:22,924 --> 00:06:25,135 the number of steps I take each day. 128 00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:26,511 Wow. 129 00:06:28,972 --> 00:06:31,808 Wonders ♪ 130 00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:37,480 We're surrounded by wonders ♪ 131 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:40,150 Look around and be amazed ♪ 132 00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:45,405 ♪ That pad on your lap could buy a shirt at the Gap ♪ 133 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:49,993 ♪ But what does the military have? ♪ 134 00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:54,497 He was asking too many questions. 135 00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:02,005 All right. Listen, Rupert. 136 00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:04,716 I'm running for snack captain, and our lives are going to be 137 00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:07,510 under the microscope more than they ever have before. 138 00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:10,847 So all I'm gonna say is, I just want to applaud you again 139 00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:13,350 on your commitment to sobriety. 140 00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:15,226 What do you mean "wine doesn't count"? 141 00:07:15,226 --> 00:07:16,936 Yes, rosé is wine. 142 00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:18,271 And I don't want to hear the term 143 00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:20,565 "California sober" come out of your mouth. 144 00:07:20,565 --> 00:07:21,816 Hey, Stewie. 145 00:07:21,816 --> 00:07:23,902 Brian, I want you to be my campaign manager. 146 00:07:23,902 --> 00:07:25,445 Really? What do I have to do? 147 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,614 You'll be in charge of setting up my war room 148 00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:30,283 - and situation room and sex room. - Sex room? 149 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:33,161 Shh, I can't let Mr. Dramatic over there know. 150 00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:34,871 I don't know. This is already weird. 151 00:07:34,871 --> 00:07:36,623 Please, Brian. I need this. 152 00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:38,708 I need this the way a shoe salesman needs 153 00:07:38,708 --> 00:07:40,460 that foot-measuring device. 154 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:43,046 {\an8}I can say with absolute scientific certainty 155 00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:44,714 {\an8}that you're a 10 1/2. 156 00:07:44,714 --> 00:07:48,385 {\an8}Now let me get you some shoes that still may or may not fit. 157 00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:55,725 Hey, Stewie, a little birdie told me 158 00:07:55,725 --> 00:07:58,895 you've thrown your hat into the snack captain ring. 159 00:07:58,895 --> 00:08:00,939 {\an8}Actually it was a tweet. 160 00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:07,821 I just want to say I hope we can have a fair campaign 161 00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:11,574 and forget any past tension between us. 162 00:08:11,574 --> 00:08:14,202 Consider them forgotten, like La La Land, 163 00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:15,829 the most celebrated movie ever made 164 00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:18,873 that suddenly no one remembers, mentions, or cares about. 165 00:08:23,712 --> 00:08:25,839 - Oh, he nailed you. - I'm voting for Doug. 166 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,799 I'm too young to deliver a joke. 167 00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:29,676 Well, looks like the gloves are off. 168 00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:31,636 But I've taken on bigger challenges. 169 00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:34,305 Like playing a game of Paul Simon Says. 170 00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:36,474 Paul Simon says Art Garfunkel is a loser. 171 00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:39,310 Oh, come on, Paul. It's been 40 years. Let it go. 172 00:08:39,310 --> 00:08:41,021 Paul Simon says I wrote all the songs. 173 00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:43,231 We know that. No one is denying you credit. 174 00:08:43,231 --> 00:08:45,608 Paul Simon says five-two is the cutoff for being really short, 175 00:08:45,608 --> 00:08:47,777 - not five-three. - You know what? I'm bored. 176 00:08:47,777 --> 00:08:49,654 I'm gonna play Simon Cowell Says. 177 00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:53,366 Simon Cowell says men should wear low V-necks 178 00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:57,162 - and have breasts. - Thank you for One Direction. 179 00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:09,007 Stewie, our polls show that your classmates see you as aloof. 180 00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:11,217 We need a photo op of you kissing a baby. 181 00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:12,844 All right, well, make it a BOC. 182 00:09:12,844 --> 00:09:15,180 - A what? - A baby of color. 183 00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:16,514 Stewie, what's going on? 184 00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:18,099 I thought I was your campaign manager. 185 00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:20,518 I want you and Chris to compete for my favor. 186 00:09:20,518 --> 00:09:22,395 I will reward absolute loyalty, 187 00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:24,230 even if you have to go to prison for it. 188 00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:26,858 - And who are all these people? - College Republicans. 189 00:09:26,858 --> 00:09:28,360 When they're not on Barstool 190 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:31,154 or wearing boat shoes nowhere near a boat, they're here. 191 00:09:31,154 --> 00:09:32,697 I've also scheduled a whistle-stop tour 192 00:09:32,697 --> 00:09:33,740 of the playground. 193 00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:35,116 You need to reach the seesaw kids, 194 00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:37,952 the slide kids, and spend time with the jungle gym kids 195 00:09:37,952 --> 00:09:39,371 so they know they have your support. 196 00:09:39,371 --> 00:09:41,039 Ugh, okay, but bring the Purell. 197 00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:44,668 I'll make a speech even greater than Jeffrey Epstein's eulogy. 198 00:09:44,668 --> 00:09:46,252 He gone! 199 00:09:56,137 --> 00:09:58,473 Stewie, this debate is make-or-break. 200 00:09:58,473 --> 00:10:00,058 I've been working on a strong opening. 201 00:10:00,058 --> 00:10:01,976 Take control early, get 'em on your side, 202 00:10:01,976 --> 00:10:03,561 and it's easier to keep them there. 203 00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:05,063 Stewie, would you like to begin? 204 00:10:05,063 --> 00:10:06,064 Thank you. 205 00:10:06,064 --> 00:10:07,315 My friends, 206 00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:09,818 this election is about the future of snack time. 207 00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:13,655 I disagree. This election is about you. 208 00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:17,826 Who is this guy? I love him. 209 00:10:17,826 --> 00:10:21,329 And may I call your attention to my opponent's actions 210 00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:23,456 during the attack on The Capitol? 211 00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:26,167 Here is Stewie waving to supporters 212 00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:28,670 safely behind barricades. 213 00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:31,214 And here he is with Josh Hawley, 214 00:10:31,214 --> 00:10:33,925 fleeing the riot they helped stoke. 215 00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:44,394 Wow, what a little bitch. 216 00:10:47,605 --> 00:10:48,732 Uh-oh. 217 00:10:48,732 --> 00:10:50,567 Doug... are you okay? 218 00:10:52,527 --> 00:10:56,239 My God, is Doug... pooping his pants? 219 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,908 Ew! 220 00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:00,285 What a godsend. 221 00:11:00,285 --> 00:11:03,621 We'll call him Poopy-Doopy Doug. He'll never shake it. 222 00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:05,874 He surged in the polls? 223 00:11:05,874 --> 00:11:08,335 It humanized him, made him more relatable. 224 00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:10,337 Well, two can play at that game. 225 00:11:15,759 --> 00:11:18,845 Global events conspired to push us off the front page. 226 00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:25,769 Chris, the election's tomorrow. It's do-or-die time. 227 00:11:25,769 --> 00:11:28,396 What the hell? You work for Doug now? 228 00:11:28,396 --> 00:11:31,149 I'm sorry, Stewie. Your campaign is a sinking ship. 229 00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:33,401 I need a winner. I'm a professional. 230 00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:35,945 You'd abandon your brother like that? 231 00:11:35,945 --> 00:11:41,117 Sorry, but that's the way things go on The Hill. 232 00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:51,419 What? Is that-- is that a thing? 233 00:11:51,419 --> 00:11:54,005 No. What you just saw was a sizzle reel 234 00:11:54,005 --> 00:11:57,092 that cost me $75,000 of my own money. 235 00:11:57,092 --> 00:11:59,386 Friends told me not to use my own money. 236 00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:02,639 "What do they know?" I told myself at the time. 237 00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:05,058 The network decided not to move forward with it. 238 00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:07,018 But they said they still love 239 00:12:07,018 --> 00:12:09,396 being in the Chris Griffin business. 240 00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:15,402 Brian, you're a loyal dog, and you've got a belly rub coming. 241 00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:17,028 Maybe something a little more. 242 00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:19,364 But first we've got to find dirt on Doug. 243 00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:22,784 All right, there's his campaign headquarters. 244 00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:25,912 You stand lookout, and I'll sneak inside looking for dirt. 245 00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:28,081 Stay focused. Don't lick your balls. 246 00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:30,917 God. Wasn't gonna lick my balls. 247 00:12:44,014 --> 00:12:46,683 My God, Doug's got a file on me. 248 00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:49,269 "Stewie Griffin's Weaknesses." 249 00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,604 "Shapes"? How dare he? 250 00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:54,816 And to think I let him into my innermost rhombus of trust. 251 00:12:54,816 --> 00:12:57,360 It's hard to rectangle this with the Doug I knew. 252 00:12:58,653 --> 00:13:01,823 Okay, the Internet is not enjoying the shape jokes. 253 00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:04,409 Wait, what do we have here? 254 00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:06,745 Doug still uses a pacifier? 255 00:13:06,745 --> 00:13:08,705 Oh, wait till the papers hear about this. 256 00:13:11,166 --> 00:13:14,377 Damn it, get your act together down there, you kooks. 257 00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:20,091 And that, my fellow classmates, is how I discovered 258 00:13:20,091 --> 00:13:22,635 that Courteney Cox bleaches her starfish. 259 00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:24,471 Anyway, got off on a tangent there, 260 00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:26,348 but more germane to this election, 261 00:13:26,348 --> 00:13:30,143 I have discovered that my opponent still uses this! 262 00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:32,479 Are you willing to vote 263 00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:35,106 for a representative who literally sucks? 264 00:13:35,106 --> 00:13:36,649 I think not. 265 00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,985 Stewie Griffin for snack captain. 266 00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:40,362 Thank you, Stewie. 267 00:13:40,362 --> 00:13:42,072 Doug, final remarks? 268 00:13:42,072 --> 00:13:44,115 Ladies and gentlemen of the preschool, 269 00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:47,327 we all know Stewie has a brother and a sister. 270 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:51,748 Have you ever wondered why they are so much older than Stewie? 271 00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:52,999 Where is this going? 272 00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:55,794 Well, I have, and I did some research. 273 00:13:55,794 --> 00:13:58,213 What I found confirms the dark secret 274 00:13:58,213 --> 00:14:00,799 that I already suspected... 275 00:14:00,799 --> 00:14:03,385 Stewie Griffin was a "whoops baby." 276 00:14:03,385 --> 00:14:05,470 What the devil are you talking about? 277 00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:07,806 Stewie Griffin was a mistake! 278 00:14:08,890 --> 00:14:10,308 - Oh, my God. - A mistake? 279 00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:12,686 He's a big fat phony. 280 00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:14,604 Okay, I think I know whose kid that is. 281 00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:17,691 {\an8}That's impossible. How could you know that? 282 00:14:17,691 --> 00:14:21,736 {\an8}Oh, I had a very reliable source. 283 00:14:21,736 --> 00:14:23,738 Tell me what you know. 284 00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:25,657 MEG'S VOICE: Stewie's a mistake. 285 00:14:25,657 --> 00:14:27,826 How do you know this? 286 00:14:27,826 --> 00:14:30,745 Because I'm his brother. 287 00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:40,296 Hey, Stewie. What's wrong? 288 00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:41,798 In an effort to win the election, 289 00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:43,591 Doug has stooped to the most preposterous 290 00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:45,176 of lies and mudslinging. 291 00:14:45,176 --> 00:14:48,513 He claims I was a whoops baby. A mistake. 292 00:14:48,513 --> 00:14:50,849 Well, if you think about it, it, it is possible. 293 00:14:50,849 --> 00:14:52,684 No, it's not. That's absurd. 294 00:14:52,684 --> 00:14:54,561 To be honest, I've wondered the same thing. 295 00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,563 You are much younger than Chris and Meg. 296 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:59,024 Lois and Peter had two children back-to-back, 297 00:14:59,024 --> 00:15:01,359 a boy and a girl, one of each, and then stopped. 298 00:15:01,359 --> 00:15:03,153 And those two were already a stretch 299 00:15:03,153 --> 00:15:04,529 for Peter's meager salary. 300 00:15:04,529 --> 00:15:05,947 I mean, don't you think it's a little odd 301 00:15:05,947 --> 00:15:08,324 that their plan would include waiting 14 years, 302 00:15:08,324 --> 00:15:09,993 until Lois was in her 40s-- 303 00:15:09,993 --> 00:15:12,037 not exactly prime reproductive years-- 304 00:15:12,037 --> 00:15:13,538 to have their third child? 305 00:15:13,538 --> 00:15:14,873 I-I'm not saying it's true, 306 00:15:14,873 --> 00:15:17,625 but if you do the math, it kind of makes sense. 307 00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:22,964 My God, everything about this is terrible. 308 00:15:22,964 --> 00:15:24,466 Why do you think Peter keeps leaving you 309 00:15:24,466 --> 00:15:25,842 on the fire station steps? 310 00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:28,178 Most things about this are terrible. 311 00:15:28,178 --> 00:15:30,972 Come on, little guy, time to go to the fire station. 312 00:15:30,972 --> 00:15:32,432 Let me just fix my face. 313 00:15:34,225 --> 00:15:36,311 All right, let's go. 314 00:15:39,689 --> 00:15:41,608 I can't believe they never bothered to tell me 315 00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:43,026 I was a mistake. 316 00:15:43,026 --> 00:15:44,402 Well, I'll get my revenge 317 00:15:44,402 --> 00:15:47,072 by using the one trump card every baby has. 318 00:15:47,072 --> 00:15:49,949 I'll refuse to put on my shoes. 319 00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:52,744 Stewie, let's get your shoes on. We're going out. 320 00:15:52,744 --> 00:15:55,872 Oh, oka-- Hold still, Stewie. 321 00:15:55,872 --> 00:15:57,248 Come on, let me get your shoes on. 322 00:15:57,248 --> 00:15:59,000 Damn it, Stewie! Stop kicking. 323 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:01,252 Will you just-- Will you hold still? 324 00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:03,171 Damn it. Stop kick-- Stewie. 325 00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:08,093 Well, so much for going to the Dangly Shiny Keys Show. 326 00:16:08,093 --> 00:16:10,178 Dangly Shiny Keys Show? 327 00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:12,180 What are we waiting for? Let's go. 328 00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:15,767 What were you upset about earlier? 329 00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:17,102 I don't know, I don't remember. 330 00:16:17,102 --> 00:16:19,104 Me neither, but this is amazing. 331 00:16:22,190 --> 00:16:24,025 What are we doing at this coffee shop, Stewie? 332 00:16:24,025 --> 00:16:26,736 This is Lois's favorite spot and I hacked their system 333 00:16:26,736 --> 00:16:28,530 so they only accept Apple Pay. 334 00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:30,532 She's gonna have no clue what to do. 335 00:16:32,033 --> 00:16:34,828 I'm sorry, we only take Apple Pay. 336 00:16:34,828 --> 00:16:37,414 Oh, wha...? I-Is that on my computer? 337 00:16:37,414 --> 00:16:39,499 Yeah, and if you don't have it, 338 00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:41,334 we're gonna have to take the coffee back. 339 00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:42,919 You'll do no such thing. 340 00:16:42,919 --> 00:16:45,213 Shawn Mendes?! 341 00:16:45,213 --> 00:16:47,966 That's right. Wherever a suburban mom is having trouble 342 00:16:47,966 --> 00:16:49,718 with a phone thing, I'll be there. 343 00:16:49,718 --> 00:16:51,302 Give me your phone. 344 00:16:52,804 --> 00:16:54,389 Here's your coffee. 345 00:16:54,389 --> 00:16:56,558 What do you mean the menu's online? 346 00:16:56,558 --> 00:16:58,351 I'm afraid I'm needed elsewhere. 347 00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:01,146 Shawn Mendes. ♪ 348 00:17:03,898 --> 00:17:06,484 All right, time for a little payback. 349 00:17:06,484 --> 00:17:09,738 Let's see how the fat man feels about having a mistake baby 350 00:17:09,738 --> 00:17:11,823 when he has to listen to that same child blast 351 00:17:11,823 --> 00:17:13,700 rebellious rock and roll. 352 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,368 Sugar... ♪ 353 00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,746 Ha! How do you like that, old man? 354 00:17:17,746 --> 00:17:20,123 If it's too loud, you're too old! 355 00:17:20,123 --> 00:17:22,959 Hey, what's going on down here? I love this song. 356 00:17:22,959 --> 00:17:25,295 No. No, you're supposed to be mad about this. 357 00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:27,047 I do have an issue with the volume, though. 358 00:17:27,047 --> 00:17:29,966 - Oh, yeah, here we go. - It needs to be louder. 359 00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:31,301 Honey... ♪ 360 00:17:31,301 --> 00:17:35,138 Hey, we heard The Archies, so we brought punch. 361 00:17:35,138 --> 00:17:36,598 What? No. No. 362 00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:38,641 This is supposed to be making you furious. 363 00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:42,062 Oh, God, this music is making me lose it. 364 00:17:42,062 --> 00:17:43,938 Should we order two cheese pizzas? 365 00:17:43,938 --> 00:17:45,607 - Uh, yeah. - I'm in. 366 00:17:45,607 --> 00:17:47,901 Hey, Quagmire, Betty or Veronica? 367 00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:49,361 Both. 368 00:17:49,361 --> 00:17:51,404 - Oh, Quagmire ♪ - Oh, sugar ♪ 369 00:17:52,781 --> 00:17:55,742 - Who else but Quagmire? ♪ - Oh, honey, honey. ♪ 370 00:17:57,827 --> 00:18:00,705 - Hey, Stewie. - What do you want? 371 00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:04,376 Listen, Stewie, I'm sure whoever broke this whoops baby story 372 00:18:04,376 --> 00:18:05,543 to sink your campaign 373 00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:07,671 never intended you to take it personally. 374 00:18:09,089 --> 00:18:11,049 There's something I think you should see. 375 00:18:15,804 --> 00:18:18,348 What? You've got a secret weapons room? 376 00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:20,934 Not exactly. It's a porn room. 377 00:18:22,227 --> 00:18:24,979 These are impressively organized and cataloged. 378 00:18:24,979 --> 00:18:27,649 People in the community like things well-labeled, 379 00:18:27,649 --> 00:18:30,068 so I developed the Spewey Decimal System. 380 00:18:30,068 --> 00:18:31,695 I don't want to sound like a square, 381 00:18:31,695 --> 00:18:33,113 but if you put this level of effort 382 00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:35,156 into your schoolwork, you could really soar. 383 00:18:35,156 --> 00:18:36,241 See that? 384 00:18:36,241 --> 00:18:38,159 That's a mint condition 1983 385 00:18:38,159 --> 00:18:40,412 Kurt Russell-Goldie Hawn sex tape. 386 00:18:40,412 --> 00:18:44,124 Never been opened. Market value of $150K. 387 00:18:44,124 --> 00:18:45,208 Well, if it's never been opened, 388 00:18:45,208 --> 00:18:46,501 how do you know it's the real thing? 389 00:18:46,501 --> 00:18:48,003 Oh, it's the real thing. 390 00:18:48,003 --> 00:18:50,088 People in the community trust each other. 391 00:18:50,088 --> 00:18:51,881 Stop saying "people in the community." 392 00:18:51,881 --> 00:18:53,925 I prefer not to picture that community. 393 00:18:53,925 --> 00:18:57,345 Anyway, there's one I think you might be interested in. 394 00:18:59,931 --> 00:19:03,435 This is dated exactly nine months before I was born. 395 00:19:03,435 --> 00:19:07,022 You have a whole shelf of Lois and the Fat Man's sex tapes? 396 00:19:07,022 --> 00:19:09,482 I have the camera in there on a grunt sensor. 397 00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:12,485 There's a lot of Dad just going to the bathroom. 398 00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:14,070 That's disturbing even to me, 399 00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:16,698 and I've been to an Eyes Wide Shut party. 400 00:19:16,698 --> 00:19:20,118 Sorry, sir, there's a strict 800-penis limit. 401 00:19:20,118 --> 00:19:21,161 If I let you in, 402 00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:23,121 the fire marshal will be all over my back. 403 00:19:23,121 --> 00:19:25,206 But the fire marshal's on that guy's back. 404 00:19:25,206 --> 00:19:27,834 Yeah, but he'll get off his back and on my back. 405 00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:29,377 It's a great party. 406 00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:39,054 Hey, everyone, I'm Peter Griffin, 407 00:19:39,054 --> 00:19:41,473 and this is my Real World audition. 408 00:19:41,473 --> 00:19:45,143 Peter... there's something I want to do. 409 00:19:45,143 --> 00:19:46,644 Oh, God, I know that look. 410 00:19:46,644 --> 00:19:49,105 You're ovulating. Wha-What are you doing? 411 00:19:49,105 --> 00:19:51,441 No. No! Aah! 412 00:19:54,402 --> 00:19:56,613 Wow. Lois has strong thighs. 413 00:19:56,613 --> 00:19:59,699 Please, no! 414 00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,284 Fine, just get it over with. 415 00:20:01,284 --> 00:20:03,661 I'm gonna be a mom again! 416 00:20:03,661 --> 00:20:06,456 My existence is justified. 417 00:20:08,208 --> 00:20:10,627 CHRIS' VOICE: The old man's got quite a meat bag on him, huh? 418 00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:14,130 This... was the night I was conceived? 419 00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:15,423 Yep. 420 00:20:15,423 --> 00:20:17,092 That's how it happened with all of us, Stewie. 421 00:20:17,092 --> 00:20:19,219 That's why we're trash people. 422 00:20:19,219 --> 00:20:20,428 But this means... 423 00:20:20,428 --> 00:20:22,931 technically I'm only half an accident. 424 00:20:22,931 --> 00:20:25,058 - Yep. - Thanks, Chris. 425 00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:26,184 It was me. 426 00:20:26,184 --> 00:20:27,977 I was complimenting my own meat bag. 427 00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:38,446 Brian, say hello to the new snack captain. 428 00:20:38,446 --> 00:20:41,366 You actually won? Wow, congrats, Stewie. 429 00:20:41,366 --> 00:20:43,368 I thought you being a mistake ruined your chances. 430 00:20:43,368 --> 00:20:44,703 How'd you pull it off? 431 00:20:44,703 --> 00:20:47,706 It turns out 70% of the kids' parents aren't married 432 00:20:47,706 --> 00:20:49,666 and 30% are mistakes. 433 00:20:49,666 --> 00:20:51,126 Nobody gets married anymore. 434 00:20:51,126 --> 00:20:52,877 One kid doesn't even have parents. 435 00:20:52,877 --> 00:20:55,714 He just kind of appeared. Sleeps in one of the cubbies. 436 00:20:55,714 --> 00:20:56,923 I mean, that's the story 437 00:20:56,923 --> 00:20:58,717 I would have told this week, but whatever. 438 00:20:58,717 --> 00:21:01,886 Oh, and Doug died in a commuter plane crash this morning.