1 00:00:02,627 --> 00:00:04,963 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:08,216 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,216 --> 00:00:12,262 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:14,389 On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,389 --> 00:00:18,018 Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:21,521 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,106 All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,441 Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,441 --> 00:00:30,071 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ♪ 10 00:00:33,742 --> 00:00:36,036 {\an8}Sorry I'm late. Had a family emergency 11 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:39,164 {\an8}with, um... I don't know. I want to say Chris? 12 00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:40,874 {\an8}Uh, I wasn't listening super close. 13 00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:43,043 {\an8}Why don't you sit down and drink beer 14 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:45,879 {\an8}and tell us about it instead of being home with your family? 15 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,964 {\an8}Apparently, Chris and his girlfriend broke up. 16 00:00:47,964 --> 00:00:50,175 {\an8}Something about her wanting to see other people. 17 00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:52,761 {\an8}So the doctor says this surgery is gonna 18 00:00:52,761 --> 00:00:54,220 {\an8}restore my eyesight. 19 00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:55,972 {\an8}What? Oh, no. 20 00:00:55,972 --> 00:00:57,223 {\an8}"Oh, no"? 21 00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:59,851 {\an8}But I thought you'd be happy, Colin Farrell. 22 00:00:59,851 --> 00:01:02,228 {\an8}Oi, blimey. Uh, get stuffed. 23 00:01:02,228 --> 00:01:04,439 {\an8}I'm-I'm gonna see other birds. 24 00:01:04,439 --> 00:01:06,858 {\an8}G-Good day, mate. 25 00:01:06,858 --> 00:01:10,737 {\an8}Don't look. Don't look. I think that's Colin Farrell. 26 00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:13,073 {\an8}And this girl was his first love. 27 00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:15,325 {\an8}Poor Chris. He was sobbing his eyes out 28 00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:16,701 {\an8}when I abruptly left. 29 00:01:16,701 --> 00:01:18,912 {\an8}First loves always hit the hardest. 30 00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:22,082 {\an8}I'll say. I still remember my first real love. 31 00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:23,583 {\an8}Seems like yesterday. 32 00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:25,293 {\an8}Why, just thinking back on her makes everything 33 00:01:25,293 --> 00:01:27,962 {\an8}all shimmery and distorted. 34 00:01:27,962 --> 00:01:29,756 {\an8}I was working for Federal Express, 35 00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:31,549 {\an8}like Tom Hanks in Cast Away. 36 00:01:31,549 --> 00:01:33,593 {\an8}And just like Tom Hanks in Cast Away, 37 00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:35,595 {\an8}I said the words "Federal Express" 38 00:01:35,595 --> 00:01:37,222 {\an8}a suspicious number of times. 39 00:01:37,222 --> 00:01:40,141 {\an8}Excuse me, miss. Asking as a Federal Express employee, 40 00:01:40,141 --> 00:01:43,019 {\an8}may I please get a refill of iced tea very quickly, 41 00:01:43,019 --> 00:01:45,313 {\an8}the way Federal Express delivers parcels? 42 00:01:45,313 --> 00:01:47,399 {\an8}There was only one thing I loved more 43 00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:49,234 {\an8}than corporate-branded content, 44 00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:51,736 {\an8}and that was my fiancée, Helen Hunt. 45 00:01:51,736 --> 00:01:53,029 {\an8}Hubba-hubba. 46 00:01:53,029 --> 00:01:54,447 Darn right hubba-hubba. 47 00:01:54,447 --> 00:01:56,282 {\an8}You know how most guys want their girlfriends 48 00:01:56,282 --> 00:01:57,867 {\an8}to look like a pissy bird? 49 00:01:57,867 --> 00:01:59,869 {\an8}Well, I was living the dream. 50 00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:01,496 {\an8}You're 17 seconds late. 51 00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:03,331 {\an8}I am a Federal Express employee 52 00:02:03,331 --> 00:02:05,000 {\an8}who is very obsessed with time. 53 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,876 {\an8}Well, that's my fiancé. 54 00:02:06,876 --> 00:02:09,462 {\an8}Give me a kiss, you time-obsessed beardless man 55 00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:11,965 {\an8}who is unable to spear a fish with a sharpened stick. 56 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,591 {\an8}Remember all that stuff for later. 57 00:02:13,591 --> 00:02:16,636 {\an8}Mm, oh, I can't wait to do more than kiss. 58 00:02:16,636 --> 00:02:18,263 {\an8}Only three more days till the wedding. 59 00:02:18,263 --> 00:02:20,724 {\an8}Yep. I've got just one last flight 60 00:02:20,724 --> 00:02:23,727 {\an8}across the Planecrash Sea, and then I'm all yours. 61 00:02:23,727 --> 00:02:25,228 {\an8}Little did I know. 62 00:02:25,228 --> 00:02:27,564 {\an8}I'll never forget that fateful day. 63 00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:29,607 {\an8}Looking back, I never should have 64 00:02:29,607 --> 00:02:31,151 {\an8}tried to do two fantasy football drafts 65 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:32,527 {\an8}while flying a plane. 66 00:02:32,527 --> 00:02:36,281 {\an8}-I ended up with four defenses. - Ugh! 67 00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:37,657 FE-117, 68 00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:39,200 {\an8}looks like you got rough weather. 69 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:40,785 {\an8}Maybe you should just do auto-draft 70 00:02:40,785 --> 00:02:42,495 {\an8}for your fantasy leagues, over. 71 00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:44,205 {\an8}Uh, negative, negative, Control. 72 00:02:44,205 --> 00:02:46,124 {\an8}I am heterosexual, over. 73 00:02:46,124 --> 00:02:48,418 {\an8}Ha. There's that clean-shaven guy 74 00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:49,919 {\an8}who cannot spear a fish with a stick 75 00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:51,504 {\an8}that we all know and love. 76 00:02:52,505 --> 00:02:53,673 {\an8}Damn it. 77 00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:55,925 {\an8}Too bad I'm in an airplane and can only go 78 00:02:55,925 --> 00:02:58,636 {\an8}straight into a storm and not over or around. 79 00:02:58,636 --> 00:03:00,930 {\an8}Wait, I think the storm is breaking up. 80 00:03:00,930 --> 00:03:03,308 {\an8}I was gonna make it, but then 81 00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:05,602 {\an8}the plane got hit by lightning. 82 00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:06,686 {\an8}Oh! 83 00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:08,146 {\an8}And I somehow drafted the punter 84 00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:09,856 {\an8}Jeff Feagles in the second round. 85 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:11,024 {\an8}Oh! 86 00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:13,401 And it was all over. 87 00:03:17,697 --> 00:03:20,950 I was all alone on an uncharted island. 88 00:03:20,950 --> 00:03:22,160 What could I do? 89 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:23,745 Definitely not spear a fish 90 00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:25,413 with a hand-sharpened stick. 91 00:03:25,413 --> 00:03:27,499 'Cause remember, that was a complete non-starter for me. 92 00:03:27,499 --> 00:03:29,668 If I wanted to make it back to my Helen, 93 00:03:29,668 --> 00:03:31,753 I'd need to find a way to survive. 94 00:03:31,753 --> 00:03:34,631 Luckily I had a whole plane's worth of FedEx parcels 95 00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:36,007 I could open and use. 96 00:03:36,007 --> 00:03:37,926 Oh, please be food. Please be food. 97 00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:40,595 Oh, thank God, I'm saved. Peanut brittle. 98 00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:41,680 Aah! 99 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,556 "From Peter Griffin." 100 00:03:43,556 --> 00:03:46,351 Gotcha. Continue. 101 00:03:46,351 --> 00:03:49,813 But then I opened the most important package of all. 102 00:03:49,813 --> 00:03:51,523 My only friend on the island. 103 00:03:51,523 --> 00:03:54,818 I'm gonna call you Wilson, after Rita Wilson, 104 00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:57,445 the most beautiful and talented woman in Hollywood. 105 00:03:57,445 --> 00:04:00,407 The true first lady of American culture. 106 00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:02,826 I swear, I didn't say all that stuff just so Tom Hanks 107 00:04:02,826 --> 00:04:04,119 would let us do this movie. 108 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:10,291 Character development. 109 00:04:10,291 --> 00:04:11,751 I had been on that island 110 00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:13,044 for four years. 111 00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:14,587 Man, I've been on this island 112 00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:16,798 for somewhere between two and seven years. 113 00:04:16,798 --> 00:04:19,342 I'm not sure which 'cause I'm no longer obsessed with time. 114 00:04:19,342 --> 00:04:20,719 That's more character development. 115 00:04:20,719 --> 00:04:22,804 Anyway, all these years later, 116 00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:25,348 I still couldn't get Helen Hunt out of my mind. 117 00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:27,142 I was going nuts thinking about her. 118 00:04:27,142 --> 00:04:29,102 Oh, Helen... 119 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,479 Oh come on, get it together. Think of something else. 120 00:04:31,479 --> 00:04:34,441 Think of anything besides Helen Hunt. 121 00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:36,317 Oh, almost Helen Hunt. 122 00:04:36,317 --> 00:04:37,944 Enough was enough. 123 00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:40,947 I decided to build a raft and get back to my beloved. 124 00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:42,615 But what to make the raft out of? 125 00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:44,451 Got to be something I can use. 126 00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:46,619 What floats? What floats? 127 00:04:46,619 --> 00:04:49,164 Mm, definitely not these footballs for Tom Brady. 128 00:04:50,457 --> 00:04:51,791 {\an8}Straight to the bottom. 129 00:04:58,131 --> 00:04:59,841 I wonder. 130 00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:01,426 Aah! 131 00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:04,095 Two for two. Continue. 132 00:05:04,095 --> 00:05:05,597 I was able to float away 133 00:05:05,597 --> 00:05:08,308 on a raft made out of the giant joke box. 134 00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:11,644 It was me and Wilson and this one other kind of lame guy. 135 00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:13,104 Boy, you hoist a sail, 136 00:05:13,104 --> 00:05:15,482 then where did the wind go? Am I right? 137 00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:17,192 I just saw you take a dump in the ocean. 138 00:05:17,192 --> 00:05:19,152 I'm not really looking to chat. 139 00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:21,905 Days passed. 140 00:05:21,905 --> 00:05:23,698 Wilson and I were all alone. 141 00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:27,744 No drinking water and no food, except... 142 00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:29,204 Nope, not this time. 143 00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:31,039 Eh, you're no fun. Continue. 144 00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:33,375 But then disaster struck. 145 00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:44,636 Aah! Aah! 146 00:05:44,636 --> 00:05:47,138 No. No! Wilson! 147 00:05:48,556 --> 00:05:50,016 Eventually I moved on 148 00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:52,977 and largely forgot about Wilson. 149 00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:13,123 Why are you smiling, honey? 150 00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:15,291 Oh, I used to bone that volleyball. 151 00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:20,338 I don't remember much after that. 152 00:06:20,338 --> 00:06:23,675 Apparently I was picked up by some cargo ship. 153 00:06:23,675 --> 00:06:25,051 But then, wouldn't you know it, 154 00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:27,721 the ship got taken over by Somali pirates. 155 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:29,889 Look at me. Look at me. 156 00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:32,392 We are doing this movie now. 157 00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:34,519 Then that Somali pirate did a bunch of stuff 158 00:06:34,519 --> 00:06:35,979 and then nothing else ever again, 159 00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:37,856 and eventually I got back home. 160 00:06:37,856 --> 00:06:39,816 After years and years away, 161 00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:42,736 it was finally time to see my Helen. 162 00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,612 Oh, my God, you're alive. 163 00:06:44,612 --> 00:06:46,698 I thought about you every day, Helen. 164 00:06:46,698 --> 00:06:49,034 You're the reason I stayed alive all these years. 165 00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:51,244 I never stopped loving you. 166 00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:53,413 I'm-I'm sorry. 167 00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:55,498 I got back together with Paul Reiser. 168 00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:56,624 What? 169 00:06:56,624 --> 00:06:57,876 We did a Mad About You reboot 170 00:06:57,876 --> 00:06:59,252 on Spectrum Originals. 171 00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:00,587 Which just sounds fake. 172 00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:02,005 I mean, did you watch any of that? 173 00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:03,631 Do you even know anyone who... 174 00:07:03,631 --> 00:07:06,676 I-I... Like, I literally do not know one person 175 00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:08,595 who saw, like, a single minute of that. 176 00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:10,013 I'm so sorry. 177 00:07:10,013 --> 00:07:12,515 I was devastated. 178 00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:14,893 Helen was my first true love-- 179 00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:16,853 the only woman I ever wanted-- 180 00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:18,938 and she had moved on without me. 181 00:07:18,938 --> 00:07:21,316 Fortunately, five years later, they invented 182 00:07:21,316 --> 00:07:23,276 portable pornography on telephones, 183 00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:24,986 and I've literally never thought about her since. 184 00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:36,998 Well, that was a touching tale of first love, Quagmire. 185 00:07:36,998 --> 00:07:39,626 And I googled Spectrum Originals, by the way. 186 00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:42,837 Found nothing. Zero matches. 187 00:07:42,837 --> 00:07:44,839 Nothing on Ask Jeeves either, 188 00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:47,550 but they don't always have everything. 189 00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:49,803 Anyway, I remember my first love. 190 00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:52,305 It's quite an interesting story. 191 00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,641 Okay, guess I'll be going last tonight. 192 00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:58,019 This was back in the early '60s. 193 00:07:58,019 --> 00:08:00,271 I was working at a hoity-toity camp 194 00:08:00,271 --> 00:08:01,648 for rich Jewish people. 195 00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:02,899 Are you Jewish in this? 196 00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:04,901 No. 197 00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:07,237 - I was a dance instructor. - ♪ ♪ 198 00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:09,072 Anyway, this camp was highly renowned 199 00:08:09,072 --> 00:08:12,325 for offering exclusively clean dancing. 200 00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:15,120 You are the cleanest dancer I ever met. 201 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:16,955 It's why we come here every year. 202 00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:19,457 But all the while, I was being watched 203 00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:22,419 by the prettiest girl in the camp. 204 00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:26,256 Her name was Jennifer Schnozz, and I saw her everywhere. 205 00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:29,592 Seems like she was always sniffing around someplace. 206 00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:31,261 Okay. 207 00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:34,139 Daytimes were reserved for clean dancing, 208 00:08:34,139 --> 00:08:35,974 but at night, someone would bring 209 00:08:35,974 --> 00:08:38,560 a very large watermelon to the staff cabin, 210 00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:39,853 and for some reason, that meant 211 00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:42,230 it was time for dirty dancing. 212 00:08:46,484 --> 00:08:48,695 We had booze, sexy music, 213 00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:50,822 and because it was August by a lake, 214 00:08:50,822 --> 00:08:52,407 lots of mosquitos. 215 00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:00,623 My favorite partner was Dancy McGee. 216 00:09:00,623 --> 00:09:02,917 She was the best dancer on the staff, 217 00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:05,003 as you can tell from this dance party 218 00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:07,672 where she's dancing neither better nor worse 219 00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:10,342 than anyone on the staff. 220 00:09:10,342 --> 00:09:12,969 But there Jennifer was again, 221 00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:15,513 always with her nose pressed against the glass, 222 00:09:15,513 --> 00:09:18,433 or anything else she was standing three feet away from. 223 00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:20,727 Might be going a bit hard with the nose stuff. 224 00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:23,146 Relax, she's fine. She got a new one. 225 00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:25,231 It was time to make my move. 226 00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:26,733 Hey, do I know you? 227 00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:28,526 Yeah. We were both in Red Dawn 228 00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:31,738 and we probably had sex on set and then you dumped me 229 00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:33,365 and now we famously hate each other. 230 00:09:33,365 --> 00:09:35,241 Oh, yeah, Jennifer. 231 00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:38,661 Well, welcome to the Poke-a-nose. 232 00:09:38,661 --> 00:09:40,747 That was kind of my joke around camp. 233 00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:42,123 People loved it, way better than my 234 00:09:42,123 --> 00:09:44,167 "welcome to the Catskills" bit. 235 00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:47,170 I was not invited back to that camp. 236 00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:49,422 Joe, come quick! It's Dancy. 237 00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,341 What's the matter? 238 00:09:51,341 --> 00:09:53,259 It's-it's my jaw. 239 00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:54,594 It's very clicky. 240 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,930 I th... I think I have TMJ. 241 00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,682 - TMJ? - Oh, no! 242 00:09:58,682 --> 00:10:00,308 I hear that causes mild discomfort 243 00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:02,310 but doesn't otherwise interfere with lifestyle. 244 00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:03,937 Of course, back then, it was illegal 245 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,355 to get jaw surgery. 246 00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:07,107 The only places that would do it 247 00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,943 were sketchy, unsafe, back-alley jaw clinics. 248 00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:12,487 Do you want to keep the TMJ? 249 00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:15,865 Come on, Joe. I'm single, I'm poor, 250 00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:17,742 I work at a Jewish camp for tips. 251 00:10:17,742 --> 00:10:19,119 Ugh. Brutal. 252 00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:21,496 What's three percent of frugal, am I right? 253 00:10:21,496 --> 00:10:22,831 Not the year for it, Peter. 254 00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:25,291 But, Dancy, what about the big talent show? 255 00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:28,003 Dancy was gonna be my partner at the camp talent show, 256 00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:30,964 which is the most important thing in this whole story. 257 00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,716 After I get my jaw surgery, 258 00:10:32,716 --> 00:10:34,718 I'm gonna be in mouth recovery, Joe. 259 00:10:34,718 --> 00:10:36,094 I'm out. 260 00:10:36,094 --> 00:10:39,097 What? Then who am I supposed to dance with? 261 00:10:39,097 --> 00:10:40,932 Literally any one of these other women 262 00:10:40,932 --> 00:10:43,268 - we just saw dancing? - I'll do it. 263 00:10:43,268 --> 00:10:44,352 Ugh. 264 00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:45,854 I know I've never danced before, 265 00:10:45,854 --> 00:10:46,980 but you could teach me. 266 00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:48,857 All right, I'll give you a shot, 267 00:10:48,857 --> 00:10:50,191 but you better not be ticklish 268 00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:52,068 if I touch the inside of your arm 269 00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:53,570 during dance practice. 270 00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:56,448 Y-Yeah. No, no, that-that won't be a problem. 271 00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:05,790 This is the I was talking about! 272 00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:15,675 Wow, I guess I'm just really bad at 273 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,886 you holding me over your head while I do nothing. 274 00:11:17,886 --> 00:11:19,971 Eh, keep practicing. You'll get there. 275 00:11:19,971 --> 00:11:21,931 Anyway, I like how you always seem to drop me 276 00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:24,684 into the one warm spot in this whole cold lake. 277 00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:28,355 Yeah, and I, uh, I like how you're at least 18 years old. 278 00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:29,439 Actually, I'm... 279 00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:31,691 I like how you're at least 18 years old. 280 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:35,528 Her nickname was "Baby," which means over 18 years old. 281 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:38,573 Anyway, we were falling in love, but then... 282 00:11:38,573 --> 00:11:41,368 - Joe, come quick! It's Dancy. - Again? 283 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:43,119 He's developmentally disabled 284 00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:45,205 and that's the only thing he knows how to say 285 00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:47,374 but still, we should go check on her. 286 00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:53,797 It's... it's bad, right? 287 00:11:53,797 --> 00:11:55,048 No, no, it's fine. 288 00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,758 Hey, can you hang on a sec? 289 00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:03,932 President Kennedy said he's excited to show 290 00:12:03,932 --> 00:12:08,311 the city of Dallas, quote, "just how white a shirt can be." 291 00:12:08,311 --> 00:12:11,272 Joe, this is serious. My whole jaw's messed up. 292 00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:13,608 I don't understand. We sent you to the best 293 00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:16,194 cigarette-smoking surgeon we know. 294 00:12:16,194 --> 00:12:18,363 But listen, you're gonna be okay. 295 00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:20,990 Son of a bitch! 296 00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:22,951 Fortunately, Jennifer had called her father, 297 00:12:22,951 --> 00:12:24,202 who's a doctor. 298 00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:26,705 Oh, dear God. Good thing I got here in time. 299 00:12:26,705 --> 00:12:28,540 Fetch me my big bag of medical supplies 300 00:12:28,540 --> 00:12:30,125 I take on vacation. 301 00:12:30,125 --> 00:12:31,960 Thank you for coming, Dr. Hartman. 302 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:34,004 Shut up. I don't like you because you're poor. 303 00:12:34,004 --> 00:12:35,296 Daddy, is she gonna be okay? 304 00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:37,966 She's gonna make it. But I blame you for this. 305 00:12:37,966 --> 00:12:39,551 Because it's important for the story 306 00:12:39,551 --> 00:12:41,469 - that I blame you for this. - I'm sorry. 307 00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:42,887 Sorry doesn't cut it. 308 00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:45,765 Something this terrible calls for real consequences. 309 00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:49,102 No dancing with my daughter at the meaningless talent show. 310 00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,937 What? No! 311 00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:52,814 My word is final. 312 00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:59,195 So what I'm doing right here is I'm thinking about Jennifer 313 00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:01,031 and how she's like the wind. 314 00:13:01,031 --> 00:13:02,949 What does that mean, "she's like the wind"? 315 00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:04,784 Just, you know, she and the wind. 316 00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:07,078 Uh, lots of similarities there, you know. 317 00:13:07,078 --> 00:13:08,830 She's very wind-like. 318 00:13:08,830 --> 00:13:10,540 Yeah, but like, but how, specifically? 319 00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:12,167 I mean, where do I even start? 320 00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:14,878 Basically, they're like two peas in a pod, those two. 321 00:13:14,878 --> 00:13:16,629 Her and the wind. You know? 322 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:17,964 No, I don't kn... You know, 323 00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,007 you keep saying "you know," 324 00:13:19,007 --> 00:13:20,425 and I don't know, 325 00:13:20,425 --> 00:13:21,926 and that's why I'm asking the question. 326 00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,596 In what precise way is she like the wind? 327 00:13:24,596 --> 00:13:28,516 Well, um, like, if you picture my heart like trees, 328 00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:30,977 she blows through my trees. 329 00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:33,146 All right, so in what way is your heart like trees? 330 00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,939 Aw, look, it's a good song, okay?! 331 00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:36,441 The point is I'm missing Jennifer, 332 00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:37,609 I want her back. 333 00:13:37,609 --> 00:13:38,610 Just say that then. 334 00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:40,445 Enough with this wind business. 335 00:13:40,445 --> 00:13:42,364 Finally, it came-- 336 00:13:42,364 --> 00:13:44,199 the night of the big talent show. 337 00:13:44,199 --> 00:13:46,951 The show started late 'cause the grandma bragging 338 00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:48,453 had gone a bit long. 339 00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:51,081 Doctor! 340 00:13:51,081 --> 00:13:52,916 Buzz, buzz, buzz, lawyer. 341 00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:56,628 Five foot, six. 342 00:13:56,628 --> 00:13:59,547 Everyone, I hope you enjoyed the dinner of leftovers 343 00:13:59,547 --> 00:14:01,216 from last year's dinner. 344 00:14:01,216 --> 00:14:03,385 I mentioned it was a Jewish camp, right? 345 00:14:03,385 --> 00:14:06,763 But now it's time to start the talent show. 346 00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:09,307 This was my last chance. 347 00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:10,725 I wasn't gonna let all those hours 348 00:14:10,725 --> 00:14:13,103 of standing in a lake go to waste. 349 00:14:13,103 --> 00:14:16,523 Nobody puts Legal Adult in a corner. 350 00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:19,567 Unfortunately, this was the Star of David Dining Hall, 351 00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:22,487 so pretty much the whole place was corners. 352 00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:25,490 It was finally time for us to dance together. 353 00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:27,701 Happy 1963, everyone. 354 00:14:27,701 --> 00:14:30,245 For our big finale, we're gonna dance to a song 355 00:14:30,245 --> 00:14:32,247 written in 1985. 356 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:43,466 She bop, he bop a we bop ♪ 357 00:14:43,466 --> 00:14:45,427 I bop, you bop... ♪ 358 00:14:45,427 --> 00:14:48,179 We had to dance to this song about female masturbation 359 00:14:48,179 --> 00:14:50,890 because we couldn't afford "The Time of My Life." 360 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,434 I think you mean open parentheses 361 00:14:52,434 --> 00:14:55,937 "I've Had" closed parentheses, "The Time of My Life." 362 00:14:55,937 --> 00:14:58,106 Sure, whatever. The point is we danced great 363 00:14:58,106 --> 00:15:01,359 and everyone was cheering for us. 364 00:15:03,278 --> 00:15:05,071 Yay! 365 00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:07,365 Joe, come quick! It's Dancy. 366 00:15:07,365 --> 00:15:10,785 And that's the story of my first love. 367 00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:13,038 P.S., that night we had sex, I got her pregnant, 368 00:15:13,038 --> 00:15:15,206 and three weeks later she had an abortion. 369 00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:17,500 I mean jaw-fixing. Whatever we called it earlier. 370 00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:26,009 - Well, I remember my first... - Anyway, I remember my first... 371 00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:28,470 Oh. 372 00:15:28,470 --> 00:15:31,139 Think, uh, think it's probably gonna be Peter, right? 373 00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:32,515 Sorry, Cleveland. 374 00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:35,602 But I remember my first love. 375 00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:39,356 It was 1989, the golden age of Hollywood. 376 00:15:39,356 --> 00:15:42,025 The year of Troop Beverly Hills, 377 00:15:42,025 --> 00:15:44,194 Fletch Lives, Gleaming the Cube, 378 00:15:44,194 --> 00:15:46,029 and a hilarious new addition 379 00:15:46,029 --> 00:15:48,406 to the Harry and the Hendersons franchise. 380 00:15:48,406 --> 00:15:51,785 Harry meets a girl Bigfoot? Count me in. 381 00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:54,287 Well, that's what I thought, anyway. 382 00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:56,539 Turns out Harry was shorter in this movie, 383 00:15:56,539 --> 00:15:58,124 but he did look marvelous. 384 00:15:58,124 --> 00:16:00,669 And the actress? Oh, my gosh. 385 00:16:02,712 --> 00:16:04,881 You know how I always wanted to marry a woman 386 00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:06,966 who looks like the Full House baby? 387 00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:10,136 Well, this was her: Meg Ryan. 388 00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:11,262 Schwing! 389 00:16:11,262 --> 00:16:12,514 I said, being the first person 390 00:16:12,514 --> 00:16:13,765 who ever said that. 391 00:16:13,765 --> 00:16:14,974 Ha, ha, that guy's the first person 392 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,476 to ever say that. 393 00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:18,103 Wow, you're hilarious. 394 00:16:18,103 --> 00:16:19,813 What's your name so we can tell everyone 395 00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:21,231 that you were the first? 396 00:16:21,231 --> 00:16:23,441 Aw, come on, guys, I don't care who gets the credit. 397 00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:25,318 This is making your story less credible. 398 00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:28,905 Anyway, from the first time I saw Meg Ryan pout 399 00:16:28,905 --> 00:16:30,448 in When Harry Met Sally, 400 00:16:30,448 --> 00:16:33,660 I knew I wanted to see her pout in every movie. 401 00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:35,370 And then eventually change her face 402 00:16:35,370 --> 00:16:37,038 so she's incapable of pouting. 403 00:16:42,585 --> 00:16:45,922 Ah, nothing better than movie theater popcorn. 404 00:16:45,922 --> 00:16:48,466 Some for me, some for the cleaning guy. 405 00:16:48,466 --> 00:16:51,678 Some for me, some for the cleaning guy. 406 00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:54,097 So, you must really like this movie. 407 00:16:54,097 --> 00:16:57,600 Are... are-are you... are you talking to me? 408 00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,436 I got to talk to somebody. 409 00:16:59,436 --> 00:17:01,563 He's about to do a 20-minute song parody 410 00:17:01,563 --> 00:17:03,732 of the 1988 Oscar nominees. 411 00:17:03,732 --> 00:17:05,859 ♪ Broadcast News to the left of me ♪ 412 00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:07,652 ♪ Fatal Attraction to the right ♪ 413 00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:11,364 ♪ Here I am, Moonstruck in the middle with you. ♪ 414 00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:14,159 Come join me, Peter. It's a 1980s movie, 415 00:17:14,159 --> 00:17:16,786 so there's lots and lots of 1940s music. 416 00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:32,719 - What's that guy doing? - He's ruining the movie. 417 00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:34,804 Joe, come quick! It's Dancy. 418 00:17:38,850 --> 00:17:40,268 So that happened. 419 00:17:40,268 --> 00:17:42,395 I've never heard that. 420 00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:45,231 You're the first. Peter Griffin's the first. 421 00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:47,359 Aw, come on, Meg Ryan, it's not about that. 422 00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:49,235 Yeah, you got to stop doing this, Peter. 423 00:17:52,322 --> 00:17:54,324 That day we talked and talked 424 00:17:54,324 --> 00:17:57,410 as an unrealistic amount of leaves fell around us. 425 00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,245 Hey, thanks for walking me around 426 00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:01,414 in this watered-down Woody Allen movie. 427 00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:04,125 You're welcome, Peter. But what do you think? 428 00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:06,419 Can a man and a woman just be friends 429 00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:07,879 without the sex? 430 00:18:07,879 --> 00:18:11,132 Oh, uh, yeah, uh, sure, yeah. 431 00:18:11,132 --> 00:18:12,842 Uh, me-men and women can just be friends. 432 00:18:12,842 --> 00:18:15,387 But, like, the fourth or fifth friend you call. 433 00:18:15,387 --> 00:18:18,056 What do you say, Peter? Friends? 434 00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:20,433 - Friends with benefi... - Benefits? No. 435 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,143 I was gonna say Benefiber. 436 00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:24,229 I been getting wicked stopped up lately. 437 00:18:24,229 --> 00:18:27,774 - Ew. - Welcome to being friends with a guy, Meg Ryan. 438 00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:34,072 Me and Meg Ryan had a special connection. 439 00:18:34,072 --> 00:18:35,865 I even followed her into other movies, 440 00:18:35,865 --> 00:18:37,158 like Sleepless in Seattle, 441 00:18:37,158 --> 00:18:39,327 which ends on the top of the Empire State building. 442 00:18:39,327 --> 00:18:41,705 {\an8}Gee, Pop, I'm sorry I left my backpack 443 00:18:41,705 --> 00:18:43,915 {\an8}just laying around at the Empire State Building, 444 00:18:43,915 --> 00:18:46,876 {\an8}which is an actual plot point from the film. 445 00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:49,170 {\an8}Don't worry, it's still just the 1990s, 446 00:18:49,170 --> 00:18:50,755 {\an8}so it's okay to abandon your backpack 447 00:18:50,755 --> 00:18:52,340 {\an8}in big-city landmarks. 448 00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:55,051 See something, say nothing, 449 00:18:55,051 --> 00:18:57,512 That's the 1990s New York way. 450 00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:02,809 - Hey. - Hey. 451 00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:06,146 Ah. This is our last chance to look at Brooklyn 452 00:19:06,146 --> 00:19:08,231 before Lena Dunham gets there. 453 00:19:08,231 --> 00:19:10,442 I also followed her to You've Got Mail, 454 00:19:10,442 --> 00:19:12,610 where I drove her little bookstore out of business 455 00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:15,321 before my big bookstore went out of business. 456 00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:18,658 Also, I DMed her on my eight-inch-thick laptop. 457 00:19:19,743 --> 00:19:23,413 As always, I wrote to her as friends. Just friends. 458 00:19:23,413 --> 00:19:26,708 {\an8}It seemed like we'd be just friends forever, 459 00:19:26,708 --> 00:19:29,627 {\an8}but then came the movie that changed everything. 460 00:19:29,627 --> 00:19:32,505 The most important film of all time: 461 00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:35,508 In the Cut. Because naked! 462 00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:38,386 It's just, ever since we met you've been my best friend, 463 00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:40,430 and I was always afraid of damaging that 464 00:19:40,430 --> 00:19:42,557 because I don't want to risk this connection. 465 00:19:42,557 --> 00:19:45,226 Shh. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Hey. 466 00:19:45,226 --> 00:19:47,604 Shut up, Meg. 467 00:19:47,604 --> 00:19:49,814 Excuse me, sir? Sir. 468 00:19:49,814 --> 00:19:51,066 Wake up, sir. 469 00:19:51,066 --> 00:19:52,525 Turns out I never did get pulled 470 00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:54,069 up into that movie screen. 471 00:19:54,069 --> 00:19:55,737 I had just Pee Wee Herman'ed myself 472 00:19:55,737 --> 00:19:57,572 in the theater and fell asleep. 473 00:19:57,572 --> 00:19:59,366 Huh? What? 474 00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:01,034 What's going on here? 475 00:20:01,034 --> 00:20:02,994 Um... 476 00:20:02,994 --> 00:20:05,163 I'll have what she's having? 477 00:20:05,163 --> 00:20:08,291 And that's when my doctor said, "You can't drink and do Ambien." 478 00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:11,711 So, there you go, my first love: Meg Ryan. 479 00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:13,463 Or maybe Melanie Griffith. 480 00:20:13,463 --> 00:20:15,090 You know, now that I'm thinking about it, 481 00:20:15,090 --> 00:20:16,508 did you see Body Double? 482 00:20:16,508 --> 00:20:17,842 Good God. 483 00:20:17,842 --> 00:20:19,719 That's a wonderful story, Peter. 484 00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:21,388 I'm always happy just to listen 485 00:20:21,388 --> 00:20:24,307 and be here for you. 486 00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:33,942 Donna says hi. 487 00:20:39,489 --> 00:20:42,826 Is it okay if I tell my first love story? 488 00:20:42,826 --> 00:20:44,244 If it wasn't good enough to tell 489 00:20:44,244 --> 00:20:46,454 in one of the 88 episodes of your show, 490 00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:48,081 maybe it's not good enough for us. 491 00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:52,877 Could you guys do me a favor and laugh 492 00:20:52,877 --> 00:20:55,005 like I'm telling you a hilarious story? 493 00:20:55,005 --> 00:20:56,464 See? 494 00:20:56,464 --> 00:20:58,216 I get a flashback, too. 495 00:20:58,216 --> 00:21:00,885 I don't see nothing shimmering.