1 00:00:02,627 --> 00:00:04,963 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:08,299 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,299 --> 00:00:11,845 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:14,723 On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,723 --> 00:00:18,184 Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,184 --> 00:00:21,604 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,604 --> 00:00:23,189 All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:24,858 Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:29,154 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:38,663 --> 00:00:40,623 {\an8}Meg, the boys need the room. 11 00:00:40,623 --> 00:00:43,126 {\an8}'Kay, one sec... 12 00:00:45,003 --> 00:00:46,254 {\an8}Crap! 13 00:00:46,254 --> 00:00:48,131 {\an8}Gene, they're coming. 14 00:00:48,131 --> 00:00:49,716 {\an8}They're coming fast, Gene. 15 00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:52,093 {\an8}Start recording, Gene. Gene! 16 00:00:52,093 --> 00:00:54,262 {\an8}Chris, your mother and I divided all our stuff 17 00:00:54,262 --> 00:00:55,722 {\an8}after a recent argument, 18 00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:57,932 {\an8}and I came across something very special: 19 00:00:57,932 --> 00:01:00,143 {\an8}the Nintendo NES. 20 00:01:01,436 --> 00:01:04,397 {\an8}This is a day I've been waiting for for 30 years, 21 00:01:04,397 --> 00:01:06,816 {\an8}and now, I get to share it with my son. 22 00:01:06,816 --> 00:01:09,944 {\an8}Get ready for the greatest video game of all time, 23 00:01:09,944 --> 00:01:11,446 {\an8}Donkey Kong. 24 00:01:15,367 --> 00:01:18,870 {\an8}- This game sucks. - What are you talking about? 25 00:01:18,870 --> 00:01:21,873 {\an8}Uh, what universe does this even take place in? 26 00:01:21,873 --> 00:01:24,417 {\an8}Everything needs to take place in a universe. 27 00:01:24,417 --> 00:01:27,379 {\an8}It's a warehouse with ladders where a monkey took a girl. 28 00:01:27,379 --> 00:01:29,547 {\an8}What about the micro-transactions 29 00:01:29,547 --> 00:01:31,466 {\an8}that slowly bankrupt our family? 30 00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:35,011 {\an8}Or the children slinging racist taunts into your earpiece? 31 00:01:35,011 --> 00:01:37,806 {\an8}It has two buttons, and I have to look down when I press them. 32 00:01:37,806 --> 00:01:39,307 {\an8}Donkey Kong sucks. 33 00:01:39,307 --> 00:01:42,352 {\an8}I could build the same game on our house. 34 00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:44,688 Donkey Kong house? 35 00:01:48,608 --> 00:01:50,485 {\an8}Sorry I put you in a dress, Stewie. 36 00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:53,113 {\an8}- We needed a damsel. - Hey, do I look upset? 37 00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:54,656 {\an8}What do we got today? 38 00:01:54,656 --> 00:01:56,700 {\an8}Looks like a Donkey Kong house. 39 00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:58,785 {\an8} What a mess. 40 00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:00,829 {\an8}- Want a beer? - Yes, sir. 41 00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:02,789 {\an8}- Is that a YETI? - It is. 42 00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:04,791 {\an8}You mind if I talk about it for 45 minutes? 43 00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,668 {\an8}Oh, I know I can't stop you. 44 00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:09,504 Barrel. 45 00:02:09,504 --> 00:02:12,465 {\an8}Barrel. Barrel. 46 00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:15,969 {\an8}What is all this noise? 47 00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:18,388 {\an8}I'm trying to buy everything on Amazon in here. 48 00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:19,472 Barrel. 49 00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:23,643 {\an8}Ah! My foot. Oh, I think it's broken. 50 00:02:23,643 --> 00:02:25,437 {\an8}Uh-oh. Next level. 51 00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:36,448 {\an8} The doctor said I'm gonna be laid up for a week, 52 00:02:36,448 --> 00:02:38,408 {\an8}so you'll have to take care of the kids, 53 00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:40,618 {\an8}but that'll give you some quality time 54 00:02:40,618 --> 00:02:42,704 {\an8}with them, huh? Are you excited? 55 00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:44,414 {\an8}No, and you know that. 56 00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:46,249 {\an8}Are you brushing with a grill brush? 57 00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:49,336 {\an8}I left my toothbrush at a hotel three years ago. 58 00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:51,504 {\an8}Look, now, don't worry, it's just a week, 59 00:02:51,504 --> 00:02:53,631 {\an8}and taking care of kids is not that hard. 60 00:02:53,631 --> 00:02:55,842 {\an8}The Facebook status of every girl 61 00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:57,927 {\an8}I went to high school with would disagree. 62 00:02:57,927 --> 00:03:00,347 {\an8}Plus, you know I'm not very good at taking care of things. 63 00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:02,432 {\an8}Remember, I even lost custody of our orchid. 64 00:03:02,432 --> 00:03:04,976 {\an8}Please, you can't take my baby. 65 00:03:04,976 --> 00:03:07,270 {\an8}- How often did you water her? - Every day. 66 00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:09,856 {\an8}- Every day? - I thought water was good. 67 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:12,275 {\an8}Not that much. What about sun? 68 00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:13,693 {\an8}I put it in the front window. 69 00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:15,820 {\an8}A western-facing window? 70 00:03:15,820 --> 00:03:19,783 {\an8}That's direct, afternoon sunlight, you... monster! 71 00:03:19,783 --> 00:03:21,368 {\an8}It's not worth it, O'Malley. 72 00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:25,205 {\an8}Why do these guys get to have one while me and Molly... 73 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:28,667 Hey, it's gonna happen for you and Molly, I know it. 74 00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:29,959 {\an8}Stress doesn't help. 75 00:03:29,959 --> 00:03:31,419 {\an8}Why don't you guys come over tonight? 76 00:03:31,419 --> 00:03:32,879 {\an8}We'll hang out on the patio. 77 00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:36,132 {\an8}Yeah, okay. That sounds nice. 78 00:03:36,132 --> 00:03:37,550 {\an8}Want me to bring anything? 79 00:03:37,550 --> 00:03:39,594 {\an8}How about the food and the drinks? 80 00:03:39,594 --> 00:03:42,722 {\an8}That feels like everything, but okay. 81 00:03:48,103 --> 00:03:49,229 {\an8}Breakfast? 82 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,939 {\an8}You're supposed to make breakfast. 83 00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:52,232 {\an8}Oh, right. 84 00:03:56,569 --> 00:03:57,987 {\an8}Maybe we should go out for food. 85 00:03:57,987 --> 00:04:00,031 {\an8}Having a little trouble this morning? 86 00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:01,449 {\an8}No, no, I'm doing great. 87 00:04:01,449 --> 00:04:03,910 {\an8}Look, I already got Stewie and Brian changed. 88 00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:05,912 Ow. 89 00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:08,998 Okay, maybe I'm having a little trouble, but I'm a dad. 90 00:04:08,998 --> 00:04:11,334 The only thing I know how to use is a Shop-Vac. 91 00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:13,503 I already made myself some toast, 92 00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:15,547 so I don't need your help. 93 00:04:17,465 --> 00:04:20,135 Dads need to eat first. 94 00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:26,933 Get out. 95 00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:29,352 There's a grenade in here. 96 00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:30,854 Use it to get a better lunch. 97 00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:33,398 I got a sandwich in mine. 98 00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:35,859 You got the wrong bag. 99 00:04:37,902 --> 00:04:40,196 Finally. 100 00:04:41,573 --> 00:04:44,117 Aw, crap, three kids. 101 00:04:56,171 --> 00:04:58,423 I don't know what I'm supposed to bring in. 102 00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:02,844 You're doing a great job, Dad. 103 00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:05,513 - So cute. - ♪DanceLikeADad. 104 00:05:05,513 --> 00:05:07,349 I'm waving to someone behind you. 105 00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:09,768 Wow, everybody's being so nice. 106 00:05:09,768 --> 00:05:11,853 Hey, we normally order at the counter, 107 00:05:11,853 --> 00:05:14,022 but it looks like you've got your hands full today. 108 00:05:14,022 --> 00:05:15,357 What can I get you? 109 00:05:15,357 --> 00:05:17,108 Can you stuff a blueberry muffin into a cup 110 00:05:17,108 --> 00:05:18,735 and pour coffee all over it? 111 00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:22,322 Normally, no, but I can't say "no" to a super dad like you. 112 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,407 Where's this little guy's mom? Is she coming in, too? 113 00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:25,742 No, she's not with us. 114 00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:27,869 Oh, my, she's dead? I'm so sorry. 115 00:05:27,869 --> 00:05:30,705 - Oh, actually... - Is there anything else I can bring you? 116 00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:32,791 We make a great homemade banana cream pie. 117 00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:33,875 It's on the house. 118 00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:36,211 Uh... yeah. 119 00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:37,796 My wife is dead. 120 00:05:37,796 --> 00:05:39,172 I'll have that pie. 121 00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:41,424 I'll bring it right away. 122 00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:43,343 - Is everything okay? - Uh... 123 00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:45,553 I'll never forget her last words, 124 00:05:45,553 --> 00:05:49,140 "Get free extra whipped cream on your Frappuccino." 125 00:05:49,140 --> 00:05:52,310 It already comes with a lot of whipped cream. 126 00:05:52,310 --> 00:05:54,312 She was very specific about more. 127 00:06:02,487 --> 00:06:03,822 There he is. 128 00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:06,157 How's the week going as the solo dad? 129 00:06:06,157 --> 00:06:08,910 And how is Lois' foot? 130 00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:11,538 I'm not rooting for her to lose it, but... 131 00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,331 Are you guys about to talk about your kids? 132 00:06:13,331 --> 00:06:15,875 You said I can look at my phone when you talk about your kids. 133 00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:18,795 This is the closest I've ever been to Mr. Quagmire. 134 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:20,130 He's wearing makeup. 135 00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:22,090 You know, I thought this week was gonna suck, 136 00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:25,301 but everywhere I go people are super helpful and nice. 137 00:06:25,301 --> 00:06:27,095 That's because you're a dad alone. 138 00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:29,723 That's the closest thing people get to seeing a hero. 139 00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:31,349 It's right after wounded veteran 140 00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:32,976 or ugly person who sings well. 141 00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:35,645 Totally. A mom alone with her kids is a mess, 142 00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:38,398 but when a woman sees a dad doing the same thing, 143 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,233 total panty dropper. 144 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:41,484 Ew, Joe. 145 00:06:41,484 --> 00:06:43,361 I've also been lying about Lois being dead 146 00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:44,654 to get free things. 147 00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:46,906 - Thoughts? - What kind of free things? 148 00:06:46,906 --> 00:06:48,033 Pie, mostly. 149 00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:49,451 - Good pie? - Homemade. 150 00:06:49,451 --> 00:06:51,161 That's better than regular-made. 151 00:06:51,161 --> 00:06:53,913 Bonnie lies about me being dead all the time. You're fine. 152 00:06:53,913 --> 00:06:57,167 Just as long as you share that pie with Kirby here. 153 00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:59,127 - Right, little guy? - Who's Kirby? 154 00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:01,629 - Your son. Kirby. - His name is Stewie. 155 00:07:01,629 --> 00:07:03,465 Huh. Looks like a Kirby. 156 00:07:03,465 --> 00:07:04,966 No one looks like a Kirby. 157 00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:08,553 You'll see. I've never been wrong about a Kirby. 158 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,768 Peter? Can you come up here? 159 00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:16,019 Need something, Lois? 160 00:07:16,019 --> 00:07:18,271 Oh, well, I just need the Apple TV remote. 161 00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:20,940 Well, I am great at fetch. 162 00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:22,567 Just the remote, please. 163 00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:25,779 Whoa. Did you feel that? 164 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:28,281 This isn't gonna turn into an English Patient 165 00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:30,158 - type of thing, is it? - What does that mean? 166 00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:32,327 You know, caregiver and patient. 167 00:07:32,327 --> 00:07:34,871 A strong bond develops. Intimacy. 168 00:07:34,871 --> 00:07:36,706 Oh, maybe. 169 00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:39,709 Our fingers did touch when you handed me that remote. 170 00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:42,879 - I know. - You know, I've been in this bed for a long time. 171 00:07:42,879 --> 00:07:45,423 I... I sure could use a sponge bath. 172 00:07:45,423 --> 00:07:46,675 Oh, word? 173 00:07:46,675 --> 00:07:50,095 Why don't you start down by my cast? 174 00:07:51,763 --> 00:07:54,099 Oh, God, your leg is covered in hair. 175 00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:56,226 That's right. I can't shave down there 176 00:07:56,226 --> 00:07:57,727 'cause the cast will get wet. 177 00:07:57,727 --> 00:08:00,230 - Look at it. Smell it. - No. 178 00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:02,524 Take a deep breath and smell it. 179 00:08:02,524 --> 00:08:04,567 Ah! What is that? 180 00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,528 Four days of sweat and a dinner fork 181 00:08:06,528 --> 00:08:08,780 that got stuck when I scratched my ankle. 182 00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:09,989 Please, let me go. 183 00:08:09,989 --> 00:08:11,741 This English Patient enough for you? 184 00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:13,034 I don't know, I never saw it. 185 00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:15,286 Every door you walk through isn't a scenario 186 00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:17,455 you've typed into the search bar of Pornhub. 187 00:08:17,455 --> 00:08:19,541 This is real life, and it stinks. 188 00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:22,127 - Please, let me go. - Now, you listen to me. 189 00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:24,587 Every 90 minutes, I'm gonna ring this bell... 190 00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:27,257 ...and you're gonna come in and take out a bowl of my waste. 191 00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:29,217 If that's us forming a strong bond, 192 00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:32,679 then you and I are gonna form a very strong bond. Now, go. 193 00:08:38,893 --> 00:08:42,230 Oh, buddy, this smells like a big one. 194 00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:45,400 You've been feeding me nothing but Chick-fil-A, so, yeah. 195 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:48,862 - A dad's changing a diaper. - A dad changing a diaper? 196 00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:50,655 No biting, Aidan. 197 00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:56,786 ♪ Where have all the good men gone ♪ 198 00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:59,289 And where are all the gods? ♪ 199 00:09:00,248 --> 00:09:03,335 ♪ Where's the streetwise Hercules ♪ 200 00:09:03,335 --> 00:09:06,087 To fight the rising odds? ♪ 201 00:09:06,087 --> 00:09:08,590 I need a hero ♪ 202 00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:12,677 ♪ I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light ♪ 203 00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:16,348 ♪ He's got to be sure, and it's got to be soon ♪ 204 00:09:16,348 --> 00:09:17,891 And he's got to be larger ♪ 205 00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:21,061 Than life, larger than life. ♪ 206 00:09:34,949 --> 00:09:36,451 - Hi. - Uh-oh. 207 00:09:36,451 --> 00:09:38,286 Do you own a gray Honda Accord? 208 00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:40,372 - No. - Okay, good. 209 00:09:40,372 --> 00:09:41,456 Good. 210 00:09:41,456 --> 00:09:44,501 My name's Becky, and this is my son, T.J. 211 00:09:44,501 --> 00:09:47,295 You're the single dad, whose wife is... 212 00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:50,173 Two feet under, yes. The shallow graves were cheaper. 213 00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:53,051 I was wondering if you wanted our kids to have a playdate. 214 00:09:53,051 --> 00:09:55,637 I know how hard it can be being a single parent. 215 00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:58,390 I can make some lunch, fire up the bounce house... 216 00:09:58,390 --> 00:09:59,599 We'll do it, we'll do it. 217 00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:07,899 Those two seem to be getting along well. 218 00:10:07,899 --> 00:10:11,277 Yeah. So, how long have you had a pet cloud? 219 00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:14,447 That's... a skylight. 220 00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:15,657 Does it bite? 221 00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:19,994 Do you want a beer? I can make some snacks, 222 00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:22,163 maybe pull out the popcorn machine for the kids. 223 00:10:22,163 --> 00:10:23,873 Or we don't tell them, 224 00:10:23,873 --> 00:10:27,002 and we keep all the popcorn for ourselves. 225 00:10:27,002 --> 00:10:29,129 You're fantastic. 226 00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:32,298 I'm... I'm-I'm serious, though. 227 00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:34,300 Hey, cheers. 228 00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:37,429 I'm glad we did this. 229 00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:40,306 Having to entertain a kid all day is exhausting. 230 00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:42,183 How long have you been doing it alone? 231 00:10:42,183 --> 00:10:45,020 - Ah, feels like forever. - Yeah, I know. 232 00:10:45,020 --> 00:10:46,646 Doesn't get any easier. 233 00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,773 I thought that after my late husband, Scott... 234 00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:50,859 Huh? 235 00:10:51,943 --> 00:10:53,987 Hey, Mom, can I show Stewie my room? 236 00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:56,614 - Sure. - Yes! Come on, Stewie. 237 00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:57,866 Door open, bud. 238 00:10:57,866 --> 00:11:00,326 Dad. 239 00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:03,621 You know, we could make this a regular thing. 240 00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:06,332 It'll take the pressure off us having to entertain them. 241 00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:09,794 Yeah, I'd like that a lot. Oh, no, your pet cloud got out. 242 00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:11,880 That's a-a window. 243 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:14,257 So... so it'll come back? 244 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:21,014 Go away. 245 00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,975 Stop it. Damn it. 246 00:11:23,975 --> 00:11:25,477 Need help, Mom? 247 00:11:25,477 --> 00:11:26,853 Can you get rid of this fly? 248 00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:29,397 There's a swatter in the top drawer of the dresser. 249 00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:32,776 Okay, that drawer is full of sex toys. 250 00:11:32,776 --> 00:11:35,028 Oh. Well, we must've moved the fly swatter. 251 00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:37,530 Uh, try the middle drawer. 252 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,991 Is this a bit? Because that drawer 253 00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:42,369 is also filled to the brim with sex toys. 254 00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,496 Sorry. Look in the bottom drawer. 255 00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,123 Wrong again. 256 00:11:53,672 --> 00:11:57,217 These last few days have been really fun for me and T.J. 257 00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:58,677 I really like you, Peter. 258 00:11:58,677 --> 00:12:00,637 It's rare that you can relate to someone 259 00:12:00,637 --> 00:12:02,639 on a deeper level like we can. 260 00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:04,974 I know. Can I tell you something? 261 00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:07,977 I know this is crazy, and I-I don't use this word lightly, 262 00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:11,481 but I love the way you cut sandwiches. 263 00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:14,067 Perfect triangles. You're amazing. 264 00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:15,735 You're amazing, too. 265 00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:18,655 You've got a childish wonder about you, 266 00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:20,490 just like my late husband Scott, 267 00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:22,742 - who used... - Huh? 268 00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,661 So, should we go back to my place? 269 00:12:24,661 --> 00:12:25,995 Keep the playdate going? 270 00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:28,123 Maybe take out the popcorn machine? 271 00:12:28,123 --> 00:12:29,582 Let me touch all the buttons. 272 00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:31,751 You can pour in the kernels. 273 00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:34,170 - You think I'm ready? - No, 274 00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:36,131 but I'll make sure you don't spill. 275 00:12:43,847 --> 00:12:46,349 I wonder what Scott would think of this. 276 00:12:46,349 --> 00:12:48,268 Give her a break. She was acquitted. 277 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:55,567 And then she kissed me. 278 00:12:55,567 --> 00:12:57,235 I don't know what to do. 279 00:12:57,235 --> 00:12:59,946 I guess lying about having a dead wife to eat popcorn 280 00:12:59,946 --> 00:13:01,239 wasn't the best idea. 281 00:13:01,239 --> 00:13:02,824 That's a nice story, Peter. 282 00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:05,618 Did anyone else break any sacraments this week? 283 00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,495 Well, there's two things you can do from here: 284 00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:09,497 break it off or go full scumbag. 285 00:13:09,497 --> 00:13:12,584 {\an8}If you're interested in going scumbag, I sell a starter kit. 286 00:13:12,584 --> 00:13:14,919 {\an8}It includes a second phone, fake addresses, 287 00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:16,129 {\an8}and some golf shirts. 288 00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:17,714 {\an8}- I don't golf. - Nobody does. 289 00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:19,174 {\an8}Golf was invented purely 290 00:13:19,174 --> 00:13:20,967 {\an8}so husbands can cheat on their wives. 291 00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:23,470 {\an8}A six-hour game in a completely different town 292 00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:26,931 {\an8}where you need special shirts? I-I don't think so. 293 00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:29,559 {\an8}I was only hanging out with Becky to help with Stewie. 294 00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:31,936 {\an8}She clearly saw it as something else. 295 00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:34,105 {\an8}I got to break it off before Lois finds out. 296 00:13:34,105 --> 00:13:36,191 You need to break it off 'cause 297 00:13:36,191 --> 00:13:38,360 it's the right thing to do. 298 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:39,944 When did you get glasses? 299 00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:42,447 You like them? They're Kirby Parkers. 300 00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:48,203 "Becky, please accept this GIF 301 00:13:48,203 --> 00:13:51,664 "of Forrest Gump waving on a boat as goodbye. 302 00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,416 "You are a great person, 303 00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:55,835 "but things are moving a little too fast. 304 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:59,130 "Almost as fast as this GIF of Forrest Gump 305 00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:01,174 running out of his driveway." 306 00:14:03,718 --> 00:14:07,055 - Surprise. - Becky? What are you doing here? 307 00:14:07,055 --> 00:14:09,349 I wanted to come over and make you dinner. 308 00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:10,767 It's probably been a while since you've had 309 00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:12,268 a nice, home-cooked meal. 310 00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:13,436 You don't have to do this. 311 00:14:13,436 --> 00:14:16,439 - Hey, Mom Two is here. - Hey, Stewie. 312 00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:18,108 What's going on? Who's this? 313 00:14:18,108 --> 00:14:19,984 You didn't tell me you had a dog. 314 00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:22,153 He's very close to being put down. 315 00:14:22,153 --> 00:14:23,613 I didn't want you to get attached. 316 00:14:23,613 --> 00:14:26,074 Aw, but he's so cute. 317 00:14:27,826 --> 00:14:31,204 Oh, I don't care who she is. She can stay. 318 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,956 I'll be right back. 319 00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:36,459 Hello, dear. 320 00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:38,420 I heard the doorbell, who was it? 321 00:14:38,420 --> 00:14:40,130 Delivery guy. We ordered dinner. 322 00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:42,632 - Oh, where did you order from? - That place you hate. 323 00:14:42,632 --> 00:14:44,259 - Oh. - Yeah. 324 00:14:44,259 --> 00:14:47,053 Well, maybe I'll just come downstairs and join you anyway. 325 00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:48,221 You know, it's been about a week, 326 00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:49,764 and I'm starting to feel better. 327 00:14:49,764 --> 00:14:50,890 Uh, no, no, no. Trust me, 328 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,600 you-you-you don't want to go downstairs. 329 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,186 Uh, Brian is talking about the Electoral College. 330 00:14:55,186 --> 00:14:56,980 - Oh. - Yeah. 331 00:14:56,980 --> 00:14:59,149 I'll just eat dinner up here. 332 00:14:59,149 --> 00:15:00,817 Excusez moi. 333 00:15:03,862 --> 00:15:07,532 Hi, I have your boner and butt pills from Gladiator. 334 00:15:07,532 --> 00:15:09,909 That's supposed to be discreet. 335 00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:12,537 Hey, Dad. Where's Mom? 336 00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:15,915 Upstairs-- Uh, the big upstairs. 337 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:19,127 - That's what we call heaven. - Mm. I get it. 338 00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:21,671 I tell T.J. that my late husband Scott's... 339 00:15:21,671 --> 00:15:23,548 Huh? 340 00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:24,716 Mom's calling. 341 00:15:24,716 --> 00:15:27,302 I-I told them every time a bell rings, 342 00:15:27,302 --> 00:15:29,137 that's their mom saying hello. 343 00:15:29,137 --> 00:15:31,014 - Help. - Help, help. Saying-saying help. 344 00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:34,392 She-she died very painfully. Pardonnez moi. 345 00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:37,979 You forgot your box of boner and butt pills. 346 00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:39,522 It's discreet. 347 00:15:42,025 --> 00:15:44,069 Mur-der the carpet. 348 00:15:44,069 --> 00:15:45,737 Hello. 349 00:15:45,737 --> 00:15:47,030 I-- What are you doing? 350 00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:48,406 Can you help me down the stairs? 351 00:15:48,406 --> 00:15:50,450 Uh, th-the doctor said to stay in bed a week. 352 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,327 You know, I just need to get out of this room. 353 00:15:52,327 --> 00:15:53,912 My back is killing me. 354 00:15:53,912 --> 00:15:55,830 Lois, 355 00:15:55,830 --> 00:15:58,375 if you stay up here for the rest of the night, 356 00:15:58,375 --> 00:16:00,669 I will use the marital tongue on you. 357 00:16:00,669 --> 00:16:03,505 Okay, but this time, I get to pick the spot. 358 00:16:03,505 --> 00:16:05,632 In the meantime, can you just get me the heating pad 359 00:16:05,632 --> 00:16:07,384 for my back? It's in the attic. 360 00:16:09,678 --> 00:16:11,888 The roast. 361 00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:16,267 Wait a minute, I'm not cooking dinner. 362 00:16:17,519 --> 00:16:19,771 Heating pad, heating pad, heating pad... 363 00:16:19,771 --> 00:16:22,315 Oh, crap. 364 00:16:23,775 --> 00:16:26,236 Hey. H-Hey, what are you doing, Bonnie? 365 00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:29,572 I told Lois I would bring her a loaf of my sourdough bread. 366 00:16:29,572 --> 00:16:31,282 - She doesn't want it. - What? 367 00:16:31,282 --> 00:16:32,826 I just talked to her. 368 00:16:32,826 --> 00:16:34,994 She's dead. Lois died. Go away. 369 00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,788 Oh, my God. 370 00:16:36,788 --> 00:16:39,332 What are you doing with her washing machine? 371 00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:42,127 It's not for sale. You'd need a furniture dolly 372 00:16:42,127 --> 00:16:43,586 to get it out of the basement anyway. 373 00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:46,756 We have one. I'll give you $100. 374 00:16:46,756 --> 00:16:49,467 Yeah, y-- O-O-Okay. Maybe. Maybe. 375 00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:51,094 Will it fit through the bulkhead door? 376 00:16:51,094 --> 00:16:53,388 Yeah, it looks like it'll fit. 377 00:16:53,388 --> 00:16:55,098 It'll totally fit. 378 00:16:55,098 --> 00:16:57,600 Yeah, all right. Let's do it. $100. 379 00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,395 Heating pad. 380 00:17:03,982 --> 00:17:06,901 Ah, wonderful. 381 00:17:12,449 --> 00:17:14,909 Ugh, terrific. 382 00:17:16,661 --> 00:17:19,456 Probably a prowler. It's cool, I know him. 383 00:17:19,456 --> 00:17:20,957 He'll just go right into my bed. 384 00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,711 - Hey. - Hey, Meg's eating dinner. 385 00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:26,379 That's cool, I'll wait. 386 00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:28,923 It's kind of my thing. 387 00:17:32,927 --> 00:17:34,971 How am I gonna get down? 388 00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:37,474 If you hold this feather, you can fly. 389 00:17:37,474 --> 00:17:40,810 Really? Wow, thanks, little rat. 390 00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:42,812 Ow! 391 00:17:42,812 --> 00:17:46,107 That's for putting locks on your garbage cans, you dick. 392 00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:50,153 Heating pad. 393 00:17:50,153 --> 00:17:52,197 Where did you go? And why was your box 394 00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:53,990 of boner and butt pills on the stairs? 395 00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:54,991 I almost tripped. 396 00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:56,284 Those are discreet. 397 00:17:56,284 --> 00:17:57,744 Now, let's get you back upstairs. 398 00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:00,705 It's all right, Peter, 399 00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:02,582 just open the Calm app. 400 00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:06,044 "Your credit card has been decli..." Whee! 401 00:18:06,044 --> 00:18:08,546 There you are, Peter. Are you okay? 402 00:18:08,546 --> 00:18:10,131 Is this your mother? 403 00:18:10,131 --> 00:18:13,009 I'm sorry. Who the hell are you, and why are you holding my baby? 404 00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:15,095 See? Total bitch, right? 405 00:18:15,095 --> 00:18:17,972 Boy, this-this is gonna be a really funny story 406 00:18:17,972 --> 00:18:20,600 when I tell you both separately far away from each other. 407 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,602 - Hey, Mom. - Mom? 408 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,229 Peter said you were dead. 409 00:18:24,229 --> 00:18:25,980 Dead? I am not dead. 410 00:18:25,980 --> 00:18:27,982 I was just recovering from foot surgery, 411 00:18:27,982 --> 00:18:29,901 so I put him in charge of the kids. 412 00:18:29,901 --> 00:18:32,153 - Now, what the hell happened? - Heating pad? 413 00:18:32,153 --> 00:18:33,738 I cannot believe this, Peter. 414 00:18:33,738 --> 00:18:35,407 You've been lying to me? 415 00:18:35,407 --> 00:18:37,283 I thought we had something. 416 00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:39,786 And what kind of a mother leaves their husband 417 00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:42,539 with the kids for a week? It is a miracle they're alive. 418 00:18:42,539 --> 00:18:45,208 - Excuse me? - I'll tell you what kind of mother, 419 00:18:45,208 --> 00:18:47,460 the best mom there is. 420 00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:49,587 I'm sorry I lied to you, Becky. 421 00:18:49,587 --> 00:18:51,715 All I wanted was free popcorn. 422 00:18:51,715 --> 00:18:54,050 Taking care of kids is relentless. 423 00:18:54,050 --> 00:18:55,427 There's no escape. 424 00:18:55,427 --> 00:18:57,220 You know, unless you "accidentally" leave them 425 00:18:57,220 --> 00:18:58,346 in a hot car. 426 00:18:58,346 --> 00:18:59,639 I mean, you'd get less jail time 427 00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:01,266 than actual murder, right? 428 00:19:01,266 --> 00:19:04,019 And-and prison has to be quieter than your actual life. 429 00:19:04,019 --> 00:19:06,646 Anyway, if I've learned anything this week, 430 00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:08,982 it's that all mothers are heroes, 431 00:19:08,982 --> 00:19:11,067 and the biggest hero I know 432 00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:14,279 is the one I'm lucky enough to call my wife. 433 00:19:14,279 --> 00:19:15,697 Oh, Peter, 434 00:19:15,697 --> 00:19:18,867 that almost cancels out everything you've done. 435 00:19:22,412 --> 00:19:25,498 Look, Becky, I don't blame you for what happened. 436 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:26,750 Nobody does. 437 00:19:26,750 --> 00:19:28,293 But you're a beautiful woman, 438 00:19:28,293 --> 00:19:31,838 you can do better than a 44-year-old morbidly obese guy. 439 00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:33,882 You know what, you're right. 440 00:19:33,882 --> 00:19:36,134 Ever since I lost my late husband Scott, I... 441 00:19:36,134 --> 00:19:37,927 Huh? 442 00:19:41,639 --> 00:19:43,808 The other mom just left, and now, 443 00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:45,477 Bonnie's dragging a washing machine 444 00:19:45,477 --> 00:19:46,644 out from the bulkhead. 445 00:19:46,644 --> 00:19:48,772 Never a dull moment. 446 00:19:48,772 --> 00:19:50,398 Hey, grab me a beer from the YETI. 447 00:19:50,398 --> 00:19:52,692 - You know it'll be cold, right? - Mm-hmm. 448 00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:56,571 Just picture it, the place: Dripping Springs, Texas. 449 00:19:56,571 --> 00:19:58,281 Roy and Ryan Seiders, 450 00:19:58,281 --> 00:20:01,076 brothers tired of their conventional coolers breaking 451 00:20:01,076 --> 00:20:03,495 when they would stand-cast into the Gulf Coast, 452 00:20:03,495 --> 00:20:05,413 took matters into their own hands 453 00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:08,291 and created the cooler to end all coolers. 454 00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:09,668 Yeti coolers: 455 00:20:09,668 --> 00:20:11,336 for the man in your life with no personality. 456 00:20:17,342 --> 00:20:19,886 Well, I'm glad my foot's all healed. 457 00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:22,097 It's so nice to be back downstairs. 458 00:20:22,097 --> 00:20:24,349 Yeah, and I'm happy our relationship 459 00:20:24,349 --> 00:20:27,060 is stronger than ever, and everything is back to normal. 460 00:20:27,060 --> 00:20:28,937 Well, except every time I look out the window, 461 00:20:28,937 --> 00:20:31,481 the beginning of "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer 462 00:20:31,481 --> 00:20:33,066 - starts playing. - What? 463 00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:35,944 Kiss me ♪ 464 00:20:35,944 --> 00:20:38,488 Out of the bearded barley ♪ 465 00:20:38,488 --> 00:20:40,281 Nightly. ♪ 466 00:20:40,281 --> 00:20:41,741 Aw. 467 00:20:43,868 --> 00:20:47,580 Oh, kiss me ♪ 468 00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:50,083 Beneath the milky twilight ♪ 469 00:20:50,083 --> 00:20:52,293 Lead me ♪ 470 00:20:52,293 --> 00:20:55,171 Out on the moonlit floor ♪ 471 00:20:55,171 --> 00:20:57,090 Lift your open hand ♪ 472 00:20:57,090 --> 00:20:59,259 Strike up the band and make. ♪