1 00:00:06,589 --> 00:00:09,217 Well, should we say prayers first? 2 00:00:12,345 --> 00:00:14,305 Can you imagine? 3 00:00:14,305 --> 00:00:15,682 What a bunch of losers. 4 00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:18,268 Oh, sometimes I like the kind of trash we are. 5 00:00:18,268 --> 00:00:20,145 So, how'd everyone sleep? 6 00:00:20,145 --> 00:00:21,229 - Fine. - Good. 7 00:00:21,229 --> 00:00:23,815 Not good. I heard Meg having a one-some. 8 00:00:23,815 --> 00:00:26,609 Oh, I had the most random dream. 9 00:00:26,609 --> 00:00:27,986 Peter, you were there. 10 00:00:27,986 --> 00:00:29,362 - Uh-huh. - We were at home. 11 00:00:29,362 --> 00:00:30,780 Except in my dream-- 12 00:00:30,780 --> 00:00:32,615 Oh, Brian, wait, you got to hear this. 13 00:00:32,615 --> 00:00:34,534 Our house looked like Grandma's house, 14 00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:36,411 and for some reason, I was in my underwear, 15 00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:37,954 shaking a big bag of kibble. 16 00:00:37,954 --> 00:00:40,749 Meg, you spilled Doritos on the carpet, 17 00:00:40,749 --> 00:00:42,834 and I was trying to vacuum them up, 18 00:00:42,834 --> 00:00:46,087 but the vacuum had hair all over it for some reason. 19 00:00:46,087 --> 00:00:47,464 Imagine that. 20 00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:49,883 And, Chris, you were wearing a tie 21 00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:52,260 'cause you had an interview at the brewery, 22 00:00:52,260 --> 00:00:53,428 if you can believe it. 23 00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:57,098 Well, that is one crazy dream. 24 00:00:57,098 --> 00:00:59,267 That's not even the crazy part. 25 00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:01,936 Brian, I asked you to drive him, 26 00:01:01,936 --> 00:01:04,606 {\an8}but you kept saying your car was in Nevada. 27 00:01:04,606 --> 00:01:06,733 Wow, that is nuts. 28 00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:09,152 Stewie! 29 00:01:09,152 --> 00:01:10,653 Ah, screw it. 30 00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:16,993 {\an8}- Whew. - Oh, thank God. 31 00:01:19,704 --> 00:01:21,581 This is still better. 32 00:01:21,581 --> 00:01:23,208 S-S-Still better. 33 00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:24,626 S-Still so much better. 34 00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:27,337 And, Peter, you wanted to go swimming in our pool, 35 00:01:27,337 --> 00:01:29,631 - which of course we don't have. - Uh-huh. 36 00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:32,258 You had this ridiculously giant towel. 37 00:01:32,258 --> 00:01:33,510 Uh-huh. 38 00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:35,929 Oh, and get this: it had Nemo on it. 39 00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:38,390 Oh, boy, that-that is, that is some dream. 40 00:01:40,308 --> 00:01:42,769 And he was wearing giant sunglasses. 41 00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:43,978 Uh-huh. 42 00:01:43,978 --> 00:01:46,272 Poor bastard's stuck hearing a wife dream. 43 00:01:46,272 --> 00:01:48,692 Yeah, I kept telling you to pick it up, pick it up, 44 00:01:48,692 --> 00:01:50,485 but there was cotton in my mouth. 45 00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:51,611 Oh, my goodness. 46 00:01:51,611 --> 00:01:53,571 My uncle died this way. 47 00:01:53,571 --> 00:01:55,573 Oh, and we had cats for some reason. 48 00:01:55,573 --> 00:01:57,075 Uh-huh. 49 00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:59,828 Uhp, I backed up all the way into the show before us. 50 00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:01,496 Wife talking about her dream. 51 00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:03,164 Homer, you've got company. 52 00:02:05,166 --> 00:02:06,918 Why are there two sets of prices? 53 00:02:06,918 --> 00:02:09,004 One's the Emmy-winner discount. 54 00:02:09,004 --> 00:02:10,755 Ah. 55 00:02:10,755 --> 00:02:12,882 Black coffee and toast, please. 56 00:02:12,882 --> 00:02:16,803 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 57 00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:20,140 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 58 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:23,143 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 59 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:26,354 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 60 00:02:26,354 --> 00:02:30,066 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 61 00:02:30,066 --> 00:02:33,486 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 62 00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:35,030 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 63 00:02:35,030 --> 00:02:36,406 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 64 00:02:36,406 --> 00:02:42,078 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 65 00:02:48,251 --> 00:02:50,754 {\an8}Oh, so wonderful to see you all. 66 00:02:50,754 --> 00:02:53,173 {\an8}The kids are getting so big. 67 00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:54,716 {\an8}Especially Chris. 68 00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,634 {\an8}Is he diabetic? 69 00:02:56,634 --> 00:02:59,179 {\an8}We don't see doctors, but we're pretty sure. 70 00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:00,638 {\an8}May I take your order? 71 00:03:00,638 --> 00:03:02,557 {\an8}Crayons and a silly map, please. 72 00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:04,309 {\an8}Excellent choice. 73 00:03:04,309 --> 00:03:05,894 We interrupt this program 74 00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:08,021 {\an8}for a Channel Five special report. 75 00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:09,272 Good evening, Quahog. 76 00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:11,232 The Exxon Pewterschmidt has crashed 77 00:03:11,232 --> 00:03:13,318 and released millions of gallons of oil 78 00:03:13,318 --> 00:03:16,196 into the Gulf of Mexico, contaminating marine life 79 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,907 and causing irreparable damage to the ecosystem. 80 00:03:18,907 --> 00:03:21,576 Two anonymous whistleblowers blame negligence. 81 00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:24,412 They cut corners left and right. This was inevitable. 82 00:03:24,412 --> 00:03:26,623 What happened to the oil-covered little crab? 83 00:03:26,623 --> 00:03:28,708 He, uh, he-he had to leave. 84 00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:31,336 - Did you eat the little crab? - They cut a lot of corners! 85 00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:33,505 {\an8}Oh, my God, those poor fish. 86 00:03:33,505 --> 00:03:34,964 {\an8}They're in water. 87 00:03:34,964 --> 00:03:37,300 {\an8}If they can't get clean in water, where can they get clean? 88 00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:38,968 {\an8}This is serious, Daddy. 89 00:03:38,968 --> 00:03:40,512 {\an8}Sweetie, if it was so serious, 90 00:03:40,512 --> 00:03:43,264 {\an8}we'd flip to me in a boardroom with a crisis team. 91 00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:47,310 {\an8}Ah, I didn't grab my drink. 92 00:03:47,310 --> 00:03:49,437 {\an8}Mr. Pewterschmidt, it's imperative 93 00:03:49,437 --> 00:03:52,691 {\an8}we do immediate damage control, or your stock will plummet. 94 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:54,859 {\an8}See what I'm doing here? 95 00:03:54,859 --> 00:03:57,028 {\an8}The "throw the money at it" gesture. 96 00:03:57,028 --> 00:03:58,738 {\an8}Pay someone to do something worse 97 00:03:58,738 --> 00:04:00,365 {\an8}so everyone forgets my thing. 98 00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:01,533 {\an8}Cue the video. 99 00:04:07,580 --> 00:04:09,749 {\an8}Hi. I'm Joseph Hazelwood, 100 00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:12,293 {\an8}former captain of the Exxon Valdez 101 00:04:12,293 --> 00:04:16,256 {\an8}and 1987 Anchorage Ballroom Dance Champion. 102 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:18,091 {\an8}That gets a little overshadowed, 103 00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:20,510 {\an8}but it doesn't diminish the accomplishment. 104 00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:23,304 {\an8}Anyway, as someone who single-handedly spilled 105 00:04:23,304 --> 00:04:27,308 {\an8}11 million gallons of oil into the Prince William Sound, 106 00:04:27,308 --> 00:04:30,770 {\an8}I know a thing or two about evading responsibility. 107 00:04:30,770 --> 00:04:33,189 {\an8}Just find a scapegoat to blame it on. 108 00:04:33,189 --> 00:04:35,150 {\an8}The number two man in the company 109 00:04:35,150 --> 00:04:36,693 {\an8}or a relative. 110 00:04:36,693 --> 00:04:38,778 {\an8}Perhaps a son-in-law. 111 00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:42,240 {\an8}A simpleton to blame things on. 112 00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:48,621 {\an8}Ow! 113 00:04:48,621 --> 00:04:49,998 {\an8}Ah! 114 00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:52,292 {\an8}There's some kind of force field. 115 00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:54,377 {\an8}Ah! Ah! 116 00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:57,047 {\an8}Daddy, you are not blaming this on Peter. 117 00:04:57,047 --> 00:04:58,965 {\an8}Some other options are a donation 118 00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:00,925 {\an8}and a photo op at an orphanage. 119 00:05:00,925 --> 00:05:03,053 {\an8}Or building a Holocaust memorial. 120 00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:06,014 {\an8}Ugh, haven't those Nazis been praised enough? 121 00:05:10,894 --> 00:05:12,937 {\an8}Hello, hello. 122 00:05:12,937 --> 00:05:15,690 {\an8}Welcome to Our Lady of the Immaculate Anus. 123 00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:17,359 {\an8}I think that word is "Agnes." 124 00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:18,568 {\an8}Oh, no. 125 00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:21,112 {\an8}That's the only reason I volunteered here. 126 00:05:21,112 --> 00:05:23,490 {\an8}I need a photo with an orphan. Are you in charge? 127 00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:26,576 {\an8}Oh, no, I just volunteers on weekends. 128 00:05:26,576 --> 00:05:29,079 {\an8}I love kids, and I'm an expert at going, 129 00:05:29,079 --> 00:05:31,498 {\an8}"Tsk, tsk, tsk." 130 00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:33,375 {\an8}Uh, that one looks the least filthy. 131 00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:36,920 {\an8}Okay, let's get a picture so I can get out of here. 132 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:39,089 {\an8}I bet you're only here 'cause you did something bad 133 00:05:39,089 --> 00:05:41,299 {\an8}and think a photo with an orphan will fix it. 134 00:05:41,299 --> 00:05:42,550 {\an8}Well, duh. 135 00:05:42,550 --> 00:05:45,220 {\an8}Then if you want a photo, you have to buy me candy. 136 00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:47,305 {\an8}I'm not buying you candy. Go to hell. 137 00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:50,100 {\an8}There's plenty of other CEOs who will. 138 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,518 {\an8}And Andrew Cuomo. 139 00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:54,062 Who wants to see my nipple rings? 140 00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:57,732 Now bring that face over here for an unwanted smooch. 141 00:05:57,732 --> 00:06:00,276 Okay, fine. We'll go across the street to Rexall's 142 00:06:00,276 --> 00:06:02,112 and get some menthol jellies. 143 00:06:02,112 --> 00:06:03,488 You like menthol jellies? 144 00:06:03,488 --> 00:06:06,491 Oh, what am I saying? Every kid loves menthol jellies. 145 00:06:07,575 --> 00:06:09,828 What's going on? Do you have Parkinson's? 146 00:06:09,828 --> 00:06:11,496 No, I'm skipping. 147 00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:14,290 Skipping? Never heard of it. 148 00:06:14,290 --> 00:06:16,084 Hey, how many of these orphans are really just 149 00:06:16,084 --> 00:06:18,294 adult little people hiding from the law? 150 00:06:18,294 --> 00:06:21,256 Just the ones in large bonnets smoking cigars. 151 00:06:21,256 --> 00:06:24,259 My people groped Judy Garland something awful. 152 00:06:24,259 --> 00:06:25,552 Look it up. 153 00:06:28,847 --> 00:06:31,349 Kind of a dick move to open a candy store 154 00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:33,476 across the street from an orphanage. 155 00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:37,731 Sorry, we have to hold an adult's hand 156 00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:38,982 when we cross the street. 157 00:06:38,982 --> 00:06:40,233 No, it's fine. 158 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:41,985 I just can't remember the last time 159 00:06:41,985 --> 00:06:44,070 someone held my hand. 160 00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:45,905 It's kind of nice. 161 00:06:45,905 --> 00:06:48,116 So, what happened to your parents? 162 00:06:48,116 --> 00:06:50,869 They left me on the orphanage steps as a baby. 163 00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:54,289 That should be funny to me, but for some reason, it's not. 164 00:06:54,289 --> 00:06:56,166 Well, thank you for the candy. 165 00:06:56,166 --> 00:06:57,792 I actually enjoyed it. 166 00:06:57,792 --> 00:06:59,711 You're good company. 167 00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:11,222 You know, this is a crazy thought, 168 00:07:11,222 --> 00:07:13,433 but you're crammed in this filthy place 169 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,143 while I've got a gigantic house. 170 00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:17,437 - Why don't you come live with me? - Really? 171 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:19,147 Yeah. I could buy you. 172 00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:21,649 - You mean adopt? - Oh, whatever they call it. 173 00:07:21,649 --> 00:07:23,234 It'll be nice to have you around. 174 00:07:23,234 --> 00:07:25,779 Why, we'll make a better team than the Brooks Brothers. 175 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:28,073 Hey, I can make boxy suits. 176 00:07:28,073 --> 00:07:29,741 And I only know lacrosse guys. 177 00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:31,076 Brooks Brothers: 178 00:07:31,076 --> 00:07:33,495 {\an8}look sharp at your sexual assault trial. 179 00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:35,789 What do you say? Want to come live with us? 180 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,957 Well, I've never had a parent to tell me 181 00:07:37,957 --> 00:07:40,627 not to go home with strangers, so sure. 182 00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:42,337 Great, why don't you go wait in the car. 183 00:07:42,337 --> 00:07:44,172 I'm just gonna get a receipt in case we get home 184 00:07:44,172 --> 00:07:46,007 and you have a clubfoot or something. 185 00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:47,717 - I don't. - Uh, yeah, 186 00:07:47,717 --> 00:07:49,344 I'll-I'll probably just grab the receipt. 187 00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:59,604 For our top story tonight, we go to the statehouse 188 00:07:59,604 --> 00:08:01,481 with Uncomfortable Audio Delay Gina. 189 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:02,607 Gina? 190 00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:10,657 - We seem to be having a prob... - That's right, Tom. 191 00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:13,827 I just found out my father adopted a little girl. 192 00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,537 - Carter? - Yeah, if he wanted a little girl, 193 00:08:15,537 --> 00:08:17,038 we could've just given him Stewie. 194 00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:19,833 {\an8}Whoa! And good morning to you, too, Pop. 195 00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,167 I just don't get it. 196 00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,837 I mean, Daddy's never taken an interest in kids. 197 00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:26,965 Can anyone say "tax deduction"? 198 00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:30,760 Yeah, you proud of that? 199 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,095 You proud of your comment, Brian? 200 00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:33,805 Taking aim at hypocrisy? 201 00:08:33,805 --> 00:08:35,974 Exposing the underbelly of human nature? 202 00:08:35,974 --> 00:08:37,600 Uhp, I said "belly." Belly?! 203 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,811 Ugh, fine. 204 00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:41,688 There we go, kick the leg. 205 00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:43,690 That's how I know you're having a good time. 206 00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:45,150 I just don't get it. 207 00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:46,693 I was raised by our nanny. 208 00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:49,529 I mean, Daddy didn't even learn my name until I was eight. 209 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:50,780 Well, what was it? 210 00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:53,700 - Lois. - Oh. 211 00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:56,411 Every birthday, I begged him to take me to the zoo, 212 00:08:56,411 --> 00:08:58,705 and Mother made him take me. 213 00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,290 But it was the '80s. 214 00:09:00,290 --> 00:09:02,417 Daddy was always too busy making 215 00:09:02,417 --> 00:09:03,960 giant cell phone deals on the beach. 216 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,754 Not now, Lois. 217 00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:07,213 What about the zoo? 218 00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:08,631 I'll take you to the trading floor 219 00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:10,091 on Wall Street instead. 220 00:09:10,091 --> 00:09:11,843 Now, that's a zoo. 221 00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:13,970 Ah, the guy, the guy on the other end is laughing. 222 00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:17,307 We never made it to the zoo. 223 00:09:17,307 --> 00:09:20,268 My God, that poor little girl needs help. 224 00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:23,063 {\an8}Check it out. Brian's got a belly rub erection. 225 00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:28,276 {\an8}Oh, precious. Precious moments. 226 00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,323 Welcome, everyone. 227 00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:35,408 Oh, Mother, I came as soon as I heard. 228 00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:37,327 Now, where is the little girl? Is she okay? 229 00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:39,037 Oh, she's fine. 230 00:09:39,037 --> 00:09:42,165 She and Carter are painting each other's nails. 231 00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:45,085 What? He never did that with me. 232 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,961 Your nails are already yellow. 233 00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:49,089 Yeah, the toes are the first to die. 234 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:51,049 Just add some blue; it'll make it a nice green. 235 00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:52,300 We're out of blue. 236 00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:54,094 Well, then just slap some googly eyes on them 237 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,720 and we've got ten little Minions. 238 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,055 I like Minions. 239 00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:58,765 Not sexually. 240 00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:01,935 I realize bringing that up suggests otherwise. 241 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,186 Now you say something. 242 00:10:03,186 --> 00:10:05,230 I'm not calling you my aunt, by the way, 243 00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:06,606 so get that out of your head. 244 00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,650 Well, I'm sure this will all end 245 00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:10,777 as soon as Daddy gets a business call. 246 00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:13,863 There's a Mr. Important on the line. 247 00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:15,323 Tell him he'll have to wait. 248 00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:17,409 What? 249 00:10:17,409 --> 00:10:19,494 Well, Daddy would always take business calls 250 00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:20,912 when I would play with him. 251 00:10:22,163 --> 00:10:25,375 It's Mr. Important from the, uh... 252 00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:26,918 "massage place." 253 00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:30,005 Oh. Of course I'll take it. You got to say that part. 254 00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:35,051 We now return to Harry Potter 255 00:10:35,051 --> 00:10:36,886 and the Phone Call of Awkwardness. 256 00:10:36,886 --> 00:10:38,304 Yeah, Hermione? 257 00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:40,432 Hey, it's me, Harry. 258 00:10:40,432 --> 00:10:43,143 Um, remember that time I, um... 259 00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:45,145 I caught your snitch? 260 00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:47,272 Yeah, well, you may want 261 00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:49,232 to have your chamber of secrets checked 262 00:10:49,232 --> 00:10:51,192 because, um, it's possible 263 00:10:51,192 --> 00:10:53,653 I may have given you Hogwarts. 264 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,780 As you know, I insist my children 265 00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:57,824 are always taken care of financially. 266 00:10:57,824 --> 00:11:00,660 So, Tatum, I'm giving you this American Express card. 267 00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,328 But what about me, Daddy? 268 00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:03,913 I-I'm your daughter, too. 269 00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:06,249 Don't think for a moment I forgot about you, Lois. 270 00:11:06,249 --> 00:11:08,877 I'm giving you this Native American Express card. 271 00:11:08,877 --> 00:11:11,338 - Why? - I think you mean "how." 272 00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:12,589 That's offensive. 273 00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:14,174 I laughed. 274 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,889 Care to dance? 275 00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:22,307 Sure. 276 00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:25,560 Boy, you're a great dancer. 277 00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:30,190 Mind if I cut in? 278 00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,566 Mind if I cut one? 279 00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:33,276 Uhp, too late. 280 00:11:33,276 --> 00:11:36,529 All right, I got to go take a not-wetting-the-hair shower. 281 00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:42,243 We now return to House Hunters: Australia. 282 00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:45,622 So I carve boomerangs, and me wife is an 11-inch spider. 283 00:11:45,622 --> 00:11:47,374 Our budget is $7 million. 284 00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:49,459 We're looking for something close to the city center 285 00:11:49,459 --> 00:11:50,835 but with enough natural light 286 00:11:50,835 --> 00:11:52,671 so that we can maintain our sunburns. 287 00:11:52,671 --> 00:11:55,799 And just look at these spacious walk-in closets. 288 00:11:55,799 --> 00:11:58,426 Crikey, I might have to buy a second shirt. 289 00:11:58,426 --> 00:12:00,136 Lois, there you are. 290 00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:01,513 Don't you want to hang out with the family? 291 00:12:01,513 --> 00:12:04,182 Oh, (chuckles) I just needed to get some air. 292 00:12:04,182 --> 00:12:05,350 Look, I know your father 293 00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:07,852 wasn't there for you growing up, and it hurt, 294 00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:09,187 but you overcame that. 295 00:12:09,187 --> 00:12:11,523 You're the glue that holds this family together. 296 00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:14,609 Ah, thanks, Brian. I guess you're right. 297 00:12:14,609 --> 00:12:16,152 Listen up! Everyone in the van! 298 00:12:16,152 --> 00:12:17,862 We're taking Tatum to the zoo! 299 00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:22,158 The zoo? What-what, are we returning Chris? 300 00:12:23,451 --> 00:12:25,203 Hey, Meg, did you hear we're going to the zoo? 301 00:12:25,203 --> 00:12:27,247 What, are-are we returning Chris? 302 00:12:28,331 --> 00:12:29,958 Hey, Chris, we're going to the zoo. 303 00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:31,584 What, are we returning Chr... 304 00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:35,964 Keep my name out your (bleep) mouth! 305 00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:39,384 Wow, dude, it was a zoo joke. 306 00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:43,555 Keep my name out your (bleep) mouth! 307 00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:48,601 Just a heads-up: I have an itinerary 308 00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:50,895 that we have to stick to or I'll get really angry. 309 00:12:50,895 --> 00:12:52,480 Everyone loves a guy like me. 310 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,065 All right, let's go. 311 00:12:54,065 --> 00:12:58,153 How is it always 25 degrees hotter here than anywhere else? 312 00:12:58,153 --> 00:13:00,363 Mom, are you okay? 313 00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:02,991 Oh, of course I'm okay. Why wouldn't I be okay? 314 00:13:02,991 --> 00:13:04,576 I'm at the zoo! 315 00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:06,453 After 30 years of asking Daddy 316 00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:08,997 to take me to the zoo, here I am! 317 00:13:08,997 --> 00:13:10,623 What else do you want, honey? Huh? 318 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:13,418 My clothes? My car? You want to screw my husband? 319 00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,337 I wouldn't. I hear that husband of hers 320 00:13:15,337 --> 00:13:17,464 ain't hitting the mark, if you catch my drift. 321 00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:20,008 Lois, will you take this little one to the bathroom? 322 00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:21,426 Fine. 323 00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:24,262 We'll wait here for you while I read this sign out loud. 324 00:13:24,262 --> 00:13:26,765 "No flash photography." 325 00:13:26,765 --> 00:13:29,434 Huh, I guess that means no photos with flashes, 326 00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:30,977 if I'm reading this right. 327 00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:33,688 Interesting. Is there anyone who hasn't read this sign? 328 00:13:33,688 --> 00:13:35,315 I can summarize it for you. 329 00:13:40,362 --> 00:13:42,322 So unfair. 330 00:13:43,406 --> 00:13:45,575 Ugh, I look like Ron Weasley. 331 00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:48,578 I'm now a real estate broker in Winnersh. 332 00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,792 Tatum? Tatum? 333 00:13:53,792 --> 00:13:56,127 Could you be quiet? I'm trying to wipe myself 334 00:13:56,127 --> 00:13:58,880 with the thinnest toilet paper known to humankind. 335 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:00,882 Why does that require silence? 336 00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:03,468 Tatum?! 337 00:14:03,468 --> 00:14:05,011 Oh, hey, Lois. What's wrong? 338 00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:07,972 Peter, you got to help me. I lost Tatum! 339 00:14:07,972 --> 00:14:10,892 Uh, we went into the bathroom, but now she's gone! 340 00:14:10,892 --> 00:14:13,812 Well, if this isn't an excuse to climb a giraffe's neck, 341 00:14:13,812 --> 00:14:15,021 I don't know what is. 342 00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:16,189 You see her? 343 00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:18,483 No, but do you see those hippos doing it? 344 00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:19,859 Giraffe! 345 00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:30,161 There you are, Lois. 346 00:14:30,161 --> 00:14:31,955 I bought Tatum this stuffed penguin 347 00:14:31,955 --> 00:14:34,332 that didn't require washing blood and semen off it 348 00:14:34,332 --> 00:14:35,792 like the one you found for Stewie. 349 00:14:35,792 --> 00:14:37,127 Wha-wha-whaa? 350 00:14:37,127 --> 00:14:40,797 Uh, Daddy, I-I sort of lost Tatum. 351 00:14:40,797 --> 00:14:43,550 - You what?! - I swear it was an accident. 352 00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:45,635 Don't worry, Lois. We'll split up and look for her. 353 00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:48,096 On it. 354 00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:50,807 Damn it, Chris! Now that's gonna be in our Fox promo. 355 00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:52,308 - Sorry, Dad. - Sorry, Dad. 356 00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:53,601 Tonight on Fox: 357 00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:56,563 Chris Griffin meets... Chris Griffin? 358 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,565 Aw, there it goes. 359 00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:00,025 Sorry. 360 00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:04,988 Hey, you looking for that kid? 361 00:15:04,988 --> 00:15:07,907 Grab those keys and come in here and I'll tell you where she is. 362 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:09,325 Ha. Nice try. 363 00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:11,411 I see that other wolf hiding behind the rock. 364 00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:13,496 Come on. Hey, you like scotch? 365 00:15:13,496 --> 00:15:16,666 I got a 21-year Macallan in here. Let's have a drink. 366 00:15:16,666 --> 00:15:19,044 How does a wolf get a 21-year Macallan? 367 00:15:19,044 --> 00:15:20,670 It was a gift from a friend. 368 00:15:20,670 --> 00:15:21,755 Pretty good friend. 369 00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,840 - Hey, what do you do? - I'm a writer. 370 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,009 - Wait a minute. What's your name? - Brian Griffin. 371 00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:28,011 Brian Griffin? I knew I recognized you. 372 00:15:28,011 --> 00:15:29,137 I read your book. 373 00:15:29,137 --> 00:15:31,222 You read Faster Than the Speed of Love? 374 00:15:31,222 --> 00:15:33,516 I sure did, and thanks for saying the title. 375 00:15:33,516 --> 00:15:35,810 Well, maybe I will come in for a Macallan. 376 00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:42,108 He didn't read my book. 377 00:15:45,153 --> 00:15:48,531 So I said, "What, are we returning Chris?" 378 00:15:48,531 --> 00:15:50,950 Chris is my son. 379 00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,494 All right, too smart for the room. 380 00:15:52,494 --> 00:15:53,536 What else? What else? 381 00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:55,080 Uh, you know, I hear the elephants 382 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:56,414 are asking for a raise. 383 00:15:56,414 --> 00:15:59,209 Yeah, they're tired of working for peanuts. 384 00:15:59,209 --> 00:16:00,752 Why aren't you guys laughing? 385 00:16:00,752 --> 00:16:02,754 Our hyena president was shot. 386 00:16:02,754 --> 00:16:04,714 I know it's not a big deal in the human world, 387 00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:06,049 but it mattered to us. 388 00:16:06,049 --> 00:16:08,802 But please continue. We want to feel normal. 389 00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:11,429 Any sign of Tatum? 390 00:16:11,429 --> 00:16:13,598 - No. - What's going on over there? 391 00:16:21,356 --> 00:16:23,983 Oh, my God! Tatum's in the gorilla pit! 392 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,152 Oh, no. 393 00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:28,113 Sorry, that was a bad time to yawn. 394 00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:36,371 Good afternoon. I'm Tom Tucker, 395 00:16:36,371 --> 00:16:38,289 live on the scene at Newport Zoo, 396 00:16:38,289 --> 00:16:40,875 where a young girl has fallen into the gorilla pit. 397 00:16:40,875 --> 00:16:43,253 The zoo wrangler, or a man in khaki shorts 398 00:16:43,253 --> 00:16:44,921 I can only assume is an expert, 399 00:16:44,921 --> 00:16:47,590 is now being lowered into the pit to rescue the child. 400 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:51,720 And is now being ripped limb from limb. 401 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:53,096 Uhp, hang on. 402 00:16:53,096 --> 00:16:56,016 He appears to be okay and is now exiting the pit. 403 00:16:56,016 --> 00:16:57,892 Nope, correction, that's just his face. 404 00:16:57,892 --> 00:17:00,603 A gorilla has ripped it off and is wearing it 405 00:17:00,603 --> 00:17:02,522 and is now walking out of the park. 406 00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:07,652 Say, could you direct me to your town's banana district? 407 00:17:09,904 --> 00:17:12,198 Somebody, please! Save her! 408 00:17:18,830 --> 00:17:20,206 Lois, what the hell are you doing? 409 00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:21,541 I have to, Brian. 410 00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:22,917 This is all my fault. 411 00:17:28,757 --> 00:17:30,216 - Lois! - Mom! 412 00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:33,094 Wow, from this angle, you can really see Lois's roots. 413 00:17:34,763 --> 00:17:37,098 Nice gorillas. 414 00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:39,434 I'm a big fan of your glue. 415 00:17:39,434 --> 00:17:40,977 They do make good glue. 416 00:17:42,937 --> 00:17:44,397 My God, I can't watch. 417 00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:47,609 Look, a baby gorilla who can't stop sneezing. 418 00:17:52,947 --> 00:17:54,074 Aw. 419 00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:55,200 Peter! 420 00:17:59,329 --> 00:18:01,623 Peter, what do I do?! 421 00:18:01,623 --> 00:18:03,291 Tell them about your dream! 422 00:18:03,291 --> 00:18:05,794 What? They can't understand me! 423 00:18:05,794 --> 00:18:08,213 Doesn't matter. It's all tone and body language. 424 00:18:08,213 --> 00:18:10,340 Trust me, they'll know they don't want to be there. 425 00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:13,343 Well, uh, it's interesting you should say that 426 00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:16,096 'cause I did have a particularly weird dream last night. 427 00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:17,764 Tell them how you were in our house 428 00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:20,183 but it was somehow different than our regular house. 429 00:18:20,183 --> 00:18:22,060 Well, we were in our house, 430 00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:24,062 except the laundry machine was in our kitchen, 431 00:18:24,062 --> 00:18:25,355 if you can believe it. 432 00:18:25,355 --> 00:18:27,565 And it wasn't like our normal laundry machine. 433 00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:29,067 It was more like our refrigerator. 434 00:18:29,067 --> 00:18:30,402 Yeah, run with that. 435 00:18:30,402 --> 00:18:33,738 Oh, and Bonnie's brother was there, too, for some reason, 436 00:18:33,738 --> 00:18:35,699 which is totally random 'cause I haven't seen him 437 00:18:35,699 --> 00:18:37,826 in, like, oh, my God, seven years. 438 00:18:37,826 --> 00:18:39,953 But, you know, I did see a Facebook post of him 439 00:18:39,953 --> 00:18:41,287 from, like, a month ago, 440 00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:43,289 so maybe that had something to do with it. 441 00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:44,457 Let's just go. 442 00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:46,251 No. I want to hear how this ends, 443 00:18:46,251 --> 00:18:47,627 then tell her my dream. 444 00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:49,963 Anyway, I was doing the wash, 445 00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:52,173 and smoke was coming out the machine, 446 00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:54,551 but it was more like a fog than a smoke. 447 00:18:54,551 --> 00:18:56,428 Lois! 448 00:19:04,936 --> 00:19:06,521 Thanks for saving my life. 449 00:19:06,521 --> 00:19:08,064 Well, it was kind of my fault 450 00:19:08,064 --> 00:19:09,941 you were there in the first place. 451 00:19:09,941 --> 00:19:11,776 I hope you can forgive me. 452 00:19:11,776 --> 00:19:14,029 I always wanted a big sister. 453 00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:20,285 How dumb do you have to be 454 00:19:20,285 --> 00:19:22,620 to walk into a gorilla pit, eh, Brian? 455 00:19:22,620 --> 00:19:23,621 Brian? 456 00:19:23,621 --> 00:19:26,124 So, you've all read my book? 457 00:19:28,543 --> 00:19:31,588 They had read my book; they just didn't like it. 458 00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:35,425 And, Daddy, I'm so sorry for the way I acted. 459 00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:37,010 I guess I was just jealous 460 00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:38,970 of all the attention you were giving Tatum 461 00:19:38,970 --> 00:19:42,265 and afraid that she'd taken my place as your daughter. 462 00:19:42,265 --> 00:19:45,643 Lois, the reason I've been giving Tatum so much attention 463 00:19:45,643 --> 00:19:48,980 is because I know how badly I screwed up with you. 464 00:19:48,980 --> 00:19:52,817 I was never there, and it's the biggest regret of my life. 465 00:19:52,817 --> 00:19:55,362 I'd give anything to go back and have a second chance 466 00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:57,447 to be a better father to you. 467 00:19:57,447 --> 00:20:00,325 Unfortunately, Tatum's as close as I'll get. 468 00:20:04,454 --> 00:20:06,956 Well, I'm sorry I became a bit of a monster. 469 00:20:06,956 --> 00:20:08,500 I was just jealous. 470 00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:09,876 Trust me, that was nothing. 471 00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:11,753 When you were born, Babs was so jealous 472 00:20:11,753 --> 00:20:13,129 of the attention you got, 473 00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:15,799 she used to put your head in the oven and try to cook you. 474 00:20:15,799 --> 00:20:17,926 - Did I never tell you that? - What? No. 475 00:20:17,926 --> 00:20:20,095 That's... that's kind of disturbing. 476 00:20:20,095 --> 00:20:22,389 Yeah, well, that's the Pewterschmidts. 477 00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:24,349 CARTER (to the tune of The Brady Bunch theme): ♪ The Pewterschmidts ♪ 478 00:20:24,349 --> 00:20:26,434 ♪ The Pewterschmidts ♪ 479 00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:27,977 ♪ We had three other kids who did not live ♪ 480 00:20:27,977 --> 00:20:29,104 ♪ Ba ba da ba. ♪ 481 00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:38,571 Look at this, all of us eating together as a family. 482 00:20:38,571 --> 00:20:40,824 This is the closeness we missed with Lois. 483 00:20:40,824 --> 00:20:41,991 What? 484 00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:43,868 I said this is the closeness 485 00:20:43,868 --> 00:20:45,578 we missed with Lois! 486 00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:47,956 - Tatum, how's your applesauce? - What? 487 00:20:47,956 --> 00:20:50,208 This isn't working. You have to leave. 488 00:20:51,418 --> 00:20:53,670 - What's happening? - They can't hear each other. 489 00:20:53,670 --> 00:20:55,922 Ha. Big table.