1 00:00:02,625 --> 00:00:04,834 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,834 --> 00:00:08,125 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,125 --> 00:00:11,709 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,709 --> 00:00:14,709 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,709 --> 00:00:18,208 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,208 --> 00:00:21,542 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,542 --> 00:00:23,125 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,125 --> 00:00:24,542 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,542 --> 00:00:30,125 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:37,041 --> 00:00:39,208 {\an8}Stewie? What are you doing up? 11 00:00:39,208 --> 00:00:41,959 {\an8}Lois had three lattes and a bottle of wine today, 12 00:00:41,959 --> 00:00:44,125 {\an8}so her breast milk was basically a speedball. 13 00:00:44,125 --> 00:00:45,500 {\an8}- You? - I'm writing. 14 00:00:45,500 --> 00:00:47,917 {\an8}The last two months I've really gotten my act together. 15 00:00:47,917 --> 00:00:51,000 {\an8}I stopped drinking, and I'm about to self-publish a book. 16 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:53,208 {\an8}Ugh. None of the big boys bit, huh? 17 00:00:53,208 --> 00:00:55,583 {\an8}No, it's fine. I'm actually at a point in my life 18 00:00:55,583 --> 00:00:58,041 {\an8}where I don't need external validation. 19 00:00:58,041 --> 00:01:00,000 {\an8}I'm just proud of accomplishing my goal. 20 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:01,375 {\an8}That's great. I'm happy for you. 21 00:01:01,375 --> 00:01:02,917 {\an8}Even if your privilege is showing. 22 00:01:03,041 --> 00:01:04,375 {\an8}Privilege? I worked hard to... 23 00:01:04,375 --> 00:01:06,625 {\an8}Ooh, white fragility much, Brian? 24 00:01:06,625 --> 00:01:08,500 {\an8}Okay, maybe I've had certain advantages, 25 00:01:08,500 --> 00:01:09,583 {\an8}- but how... - How? 26 00:01:09,583 --> 00:01:10,875 {\an8}It's not our job 27 00:01:10,875 --> 00:01:12,625 {\an8}to solve your problems, pal. 28 00:01:12,625 --> 00:01:14,125 {\an8}- Do the work. - Our? 29 00:01:14,125 --> 00:01:16,125 {\an8}I-- Who are you even talking about? 30 00:01:16,125 --> 00:01:17,959 {\an8}Well, not you, you big honky Karen. 31 00:01:17,959 --> 00:01:20,667 {\an8}Ha. I'm just, I'm just riding your jock, Bri. 32 00:01:20,667 --> 00:01:22,000 {\an8}That's amazing you wrote a book. 33 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:23,000 {\an8}Well, thanks. 34 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,041 {\an8}You know, I'm having a little 35 00:01:24,041 --> 00:01:25,291 {\an8}publishing party on Thursday. 36 00:01:25,291 --> 00:01:26,750 {\an8}I'd love it if you could come. 37 00:01:26,750 --> 00:01:29,125 {\an8}Yeah. Uh, Rupert, do we have anything on Thursday? 38 00:01:30,500 --> 00:01:33,333 {\an8}Okay, then, looks like we're good to go. 39 00:01:33,333 --> 00:01:36,959 {\an8}Awesome. All right, Stewie. I'm gonna go get some shut-eye. 40 00:01:36,959 --> 00:01:38,834 {\an8}Way to think fast, you dope. 41 00:01:38,834 --> 00:01:40,500 {\an8}Now we have to go. 42 00:01:40,500 --> 00:01:41,625 {\an8}You can't?! 43 00:01:41,625 --> 00:01:44,542 {\an8}Oh, now you have something on Thursday? 44 00:01:49,375 --> 00:01:51,291 {\an8}Griffin, what are you doing? 45 00:01:51,291 --> 00:01:53,000 {\an8}Oh, hey, Preston, I'm glad you're here. 46 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:57,500 {\an8}I'm about to test the prototype for "Deskpoline." 47 00:01:57,500 --> 00:02:01,125 {\an8}Oh... Top will need to be bouncy. 48 00:02:01,125 --> 00:02:02,667 {\an8}Anyway, what can I do you for? 49 00:02:02,667 --> 00:02:04,917 {\an8}I'm sorry to say I have some bad news. 50 00:02:04,917 --> 00:02:06,667 {\an8}Well, that was tough to hear, sir, 51 00:02:06,667 --> 00:02:08,125 {\an8}but thanks for giving it to me straight. 52 00:02:08,125 --> 00:02:09,500 {\an8}I haven't even told you yet. 53 00:02:09,500 --> 00:02:11,667 {\an8}Stella will be gone for six weeks. 54 00:02:11,667 --> 00:02:13,375 {\an8}She's taking a bereavement leave. 55 00:02:13,375 --> 00:02:14,750 {\an8}Her husband died? 56 00:02:14,750 --> 00:02:18,000 {\an8}Okay, Peter, you got six weeks to lose 100 pounds 57 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,083 {\an8}and get divorced. Let's do this. 58 00:02:20,083 --> 00:02:22,083 {\an8}No, Peter, it was her cat. 59 00:02:22,083 --> 00:02:25,083 {\an8}Employees now get six weeks to mourn the loss of a pet. 60 00:02:25,083 --> 00:02:29,458 {\an8}It's our way of saying, "Your animal died, so thanks." 61 00:02:29,458 --> 00:02:30,667 {\an8}Wait, hang on, let me get this straight. 62 00:02:30,667 --> 00:02:32,125 {\an8}If your pet dies, 63 00:02:32,125 --> 00:02:33,333 {\an8}you get six weeks off? 64 00:02:33,333 --> 00:02:34,417 {\an8}Yes. 65 00:02:36,875 --> 00:02:40,125 {\an8}Let's see how long you last with no brakes, Brian. 66 00:02:52,750 --> 00:02:54,750 {\an8}Huh, brake's out. 67 00:02:56,125 --> 00:02:58,667 {\an8}Nice try, Peter. Fortunately, you can stop a Prius 68 00:02:58,667 --> 00:03:00,667 {\an8}by cupping the wind. 69 00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:14,166 {\an8}Hello, and welcome to Quahog Books. 70 00:03:14,166 --> 00:03:17,709 {\an8}All we ask is that you please don't see what you want in here 71 00:03:17,709 --> 00:03:20,750 {\an8}and then just order it from Amazon on your phone. 72 00:03:22,291 --> 00:03:26,125 {\an8}And now, reading from his new book Chasing My Tale... 73 00:03:26,125 --> 00:03:27,208 Tale is spelled T-A-L-E, 74 00:03:27,208 --> 00:03:28,667 not like the thing on my butt. 75 00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:32,542 ...please welcome author Brian Griffin. 76 00:03:33,792 --> 00:03:35,875 Thank you so much for being here 77 00:03:35,875 --> 00:03:38,125 to celebrate my book being published. 78 00:03:38,125 --> 00:03:40,417 - Self-published. - Why are you even here? 79 00:03:40,417 --> 00:03:42,458 Just a hunch. Please proceed. 80 00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:46,583 "My mother was a huge bitch, 81 00:03:46,583 --> 00:03:49,000 "and I lost my virginity at six months old. 82 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:51,291 "Oh, I'm sorry, I should have told you first, 83 00:03:51,291 --> 00:03:52,750 "I'm a dog. 84 00:03:52,750 --> 00:03:54,834 "So I turned to Fran Lebowitz and said, 85 00:03:54,834 --> 00:03:56,625 "'I may have been born in a litter, 86 00:03:56,625 --> 00:03:59,000 "but I'm definitely not trash.' 87 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:01,166 "Then she put on my jeans and left. 88 00:04:01,166 --> 00:04:03,709 "And so, as the sweet mango flavor 89 00:04:03,709 --> 00:04:06,500 "hit my lungs for the last time, 90 00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:09,583 "I placed the vape pen on Nelson Mandela's grave 91 00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,917 "and knew that we were both now, 92 00:04:11,917 --> 00:04:15,375 "in a sense, finally free. 93 00:04:15,375 --> 00:04:20,083 The beginning." Thank you. Thank you. 94 00:04:22,625 --> 00:04:24,000 God, that took forever. 95 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:26,375 I know. I gotta go. 96 00:04:26,375 --> 00:04:28,667 The twins have a volleyball game. 97 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:32,417 - There you go, Seamus. - Thanks. 98 00:04:32,417 --> 00:04:34,709 I'll put it right on my shelf. 99 00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:37,500 Hey, thanks so much for coming, Stewie. 100 00:04:37,500 --> 00:04:39,166 Of course. What a night. 101 00:04:39,166 --> 00:04:41,625 I mean, most authors wouldn't have read the whole book. 102 00:04:41,625 --> 00:04:43,792 I just felt it from the crowd, you know? 103 00:04:43,792 --> 00:04:45,750 Anyway, it means everything to have you here, 104 00:04:45,750 --> 00:04:47,709 so thanks again. 105 00:04:47,709 --> 00:04:50,709 Oh, another hand for Brian Griffin. 106 00:04:50,709 --> 00:04:52,417 And if the eight of you could somehow buy 107 00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:54,667 a quarter of a million dollars worth of books, 108 00:04:54,667 --> 00:04:57,375 tomorrow I won't have to marry a man I've never loved. 109 00:04:57,375 --> 00:04:59,000 Thank you. 110 00:05:02,583 --> 00:05:04,125 Excuse me, could you please direct me to the 111 00:05:04,125 --> 00:05:05,709 "about to die" section? 112 00:05:05,709 --> 00:05:07,583 Sure, right this way. 113 00:05:07,583 --> 00:05:10,375 We have this snake who's tying himself into a noose, 114 00:05:10,375 --> 00:05:12,417 this near-death gerbil... Dibs! 115 00:05:12,417 --> 00:05:14,792 And I'll take his cardboard tube, too. 116 00:05:14,792 --> 00:05:16,417 I snoozed and I lost. 117 00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:18,709 You've heard of a Japanese fighting fish? 118 00:05:18,709 --> 00:05:21,709 This is a Japanese honorable suicide fish. 119 00:05:21,709 --> 00:05:24,625 He got fired eight months ago and hasn't told his family. 120 00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:27,000 He spends all day in a suit riding the train. 121 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:28,166 Too much backstory. 122 00:05:28,166 --> 00:05:30,000 We also have a very old parrot. 123 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,041 - Or you can kill my mother for money. - What? 124 00:05:32,041 --> 00:05:33,792 I said we have a very old parrot. 125 00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:36,041 Why, did you hear something else you'd be open to? 126 00:05:36,041 --> 00:05:38,375 Family, may I kindly introduce you 127 00:05:38,375 --> 00:05:41,083 to our ticket to six weeks bereavement leave 128 00:05:41,083 --> 00:05:43,041 in lovely Puerto Vallarta: 129 00:05:43,041 --> 00:05:45,125 an 80-year-old parrot. 130 00:05:45,125 --> 00:05:47,417 I call him Gonzo, 'cause of The Muppet Show. 131 00:05:47,417 --> 00:05:49,750 And also 'cause soon, he gone! 132 00:05:49,750 --> 00:05:52,375 Peter, I don't want some elderly bird 133 00:05:52,375 --> 00:05:53,959 crapping all over the house. 134 00:05:53,959 --> 00:05:55,709 Fine. If I can't have the parrot, 135 00:05:55,709 --> 00:05:58,333 you can only have one pink razor in the shower 136 00:05:58,333 --> 00:06:00,333 at a time. 137 00:06:00,333 --> 00:06:02,041 You can have your bird. 138 00:06:04,291 --> 00:06:07,917 Ooh, you smell that, Brian? 139 00:06:07,917 --> 00:06:09,500 First fire of the season. 140 00:06:09,500 --> 00:06:11,792 It won't be long before the leaves start changing 141 00:06:11,792 --> 00:06:13,375 and the sap starts flowing. 142 00:06:13,375 --> 00:06:14,834 Let's just look around and take in 143 00:06:14,834 --> 00:06:16,458 the pageantry of autumn. 144 00:06:16,458 --> 00:06:17,625 Chris, Bonnie's gone to bed. 145 00:06:17,625 --> 00:06:19,250 She's not gonna open her curtains again. 146 00:06:19,250 --> 00:06:20,959 Just take your dump and let's go. 147 00:06:20,959 --> 00:06:22,417 Hey, check it out. 148 00:06:23,458 --> 00:06:25,125 A little free library. 149 00:06:25,125 --> 00:06:27,500 How white people make giving away their trash 150 00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:29,875 seem like generosity. 151 00:06:31,542 --> 00:06:33,917 What the... Is this my book? 152 00:06:36,458 --> 00:06:38,500 This is the copy I gave to Stewie. 153 00:06:38,500 --> 00:06:41,208 Why, did he even bring it home? 154 00:06:41,208 --> 00:06:43,417 Is our friendship worth nothing to him? 155 00:06:43,417 --> 00:06:44,792 I'm gonna go home and give him-- 156 00:06:44,792 --> 00:06:46,125 Oh, Bonnie opened her curtains. 157 00:06:46,125 --> 00:06:49,542 BONNIE Ooh! 158 00:06:49,542 --> 00:06:52,542 Mmm. Sounds like somebody's having fun. 159 00:06:52,542 --> 00:06:54,417 Joe? I thought that was you. 160 00:06:54,417 --> 00:06:56,333 Ah, goodness no. 161 00:06:56,333 --> 00:06:58,542 Pass me a Michael Crichton. She's gonna be a while. 162 00:07:04,542 --> 00:07:06,291 Does this look familiar, Stewie? 163 00:07:06,291 --> 00:07:08,417 It's the culmination of my life's work, 164 00:07:08,417 --> 00:07:10,125 and it was in the little free library 165 00:07:10,125 --> 00:07:11,834 being given away! 166 00:07:11,834 --> 00:07:14,583 What? That's so weird, man. 167 00:07:14,583 --> 00:07:16,166 - So how'd it end up there? - I don't know. 168 00:07:16,166 --> 00:07:18,834 Some liberal cuck Marie Kondo-ed his loft? 169 00:07:18,834 --> 00:07:20,709 Well, it's your copy, so you tell me. 170 00:07:20,709 --> 00:07:22,667 That's ridiculous. My copy is right here 171 00:07:22,667 --> 00:07:24,625 on my book shel-- What? 172 00:07:24,625 --> 00:07:26,875 - Not there, huh? - No, it isn't. 173 00:07:26,875 --> 00:07:28,709 - This is insane. - Oh, is it? 174 00:07:28,709 --> 00:07:30,750 Let me check my security footage. 175 00:07:31,917 --> 00:07:33,917 Crazy, man. The footage is gone. 176 00:07:33,917 --> 00:07:35,375 How did you even know when to check? 177 00:07:35,375 --> 00:07:37,041 I didn't tell you when I found it. 178 00:07:37,041 --> 00:07:38,667 All the footage is gone. 179 00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:40,208 Somebody must have blown a jammy 180 00:07:40,208 --> 00:07:42,417 down at central and fried the whole grid. 181 00:07:42,417 --> 00:07:43,667 Total zapparino. 182 00:07:43,667 --> 00:07:45,417 Just admit you got rid of my book. 183 00:07:45,417 --> 00:07:48,083 Brian, not only did I not give away your book, 184 00:07:48,083 --> 00:07:49,875 I'm launching an investigation, 185 00:07:49,875 --> 00:07:52,125 - and I'm gonna nail the guy who did it. - Uh-huh. 186 00:07:52,125 --> 00:07:53,583 And maybe it's more than one guy. 187 00:07:53,583 --> 00:07:54,917 Maybe it's a ring. 188 00:07:54,917 --> 00:07:56,750 A deep ring I can only penetrate 189 00:07:56,750 --> 00:07:58,417 by nailing a bunch of guys. 190 00:07:58,417 --> 00:08:00,333 Wait, are you still talking about my book? 191 00:08:00,333 --> 00:08:02,667 Oh, yeah. Maybe it's too many guys for me 192 00:08:02,667 --> 00:08:04,542 and I have to bring in a private dick. 193 00:08:04,542 --> 00:08:06,458 Close the door on your way out, Brian. 194 00:08:06,458 --> 00:08:09,083 I need privacy to think about dicks for hire. 195 00:08:14,250 --> 00:08:16,166 Thanks, Jerome, but I got this. 196 00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:20,959 - Awesome. - Whoa! - So cool. 197 00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:23,083 Yeah, you know, I only bought Gonzo just to die 198 00:08:23,083 --> 00:08:24,417 and go on vacation, 199 00:08:24,417 --> 00:08:26,208 but now we're having the time of our lives. 200 00:08:26,208 --> 00:08:28,083 He's like the son I never had. 201 00:08:28,083 --> 00:08:32,166 Und du bist wie mein dicker vater! 202 00:08:32,166 --> 00:08:33,625 His language is so weird. 203 00:08:33,625 --> 00:08:36,375 It sounds like anger, repressed sexuality 204 00:08:36,375 --> 00:08:38,208 and a pig being shot by a paintball. 205 00:08:38,208 --> 00:08:40,250 - Peter, that's German. - How do you know? 206 00:08:40,250 --> 00:08:42,792 I speak German. I went on an exchange trip 207 00:08:42,792 --> 00:08:44,834 in high school, and for some reason 208 00:08:44,834 --> 00:08:46,458 my parents never bought the airfare back. 209 00:08:46,458 --> 00:08:48,166 Cool. We can communicate with him. 210 00:08:48,166 --> 00:08:50,125 Joe, ask Gonzo where he's from. 211 00:08:50,125 --> 00:08:52,083 Gonzo, woher kommst du? 212 00:08:52,083 --> 00:08:56,333 Ich wurde 1942 in Düsseldorf geboren. 213 00:08:56,333 --> 00:09:00,000 Mein besitzer hieß Adolf Hitler. 214 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:01,834 I heard 1942. 215 00:09:01,834 --> 00:09:04,875 Peter, he just said his owner was Adolf Hitler. 216 00:09:04,875 --> 00:09:06,917 - Well, that can't be right. - Hitler had a what now? 217 00:09:06,917 --> 00:09:08,417 Look, it's him. 218 00:09:14,375 --> 00:09:15,834 Das bin ich. 219 00:09:15,834 --> 00:09:18,166 Icherinneremich daran. 220 00:09:18,166 --> 00:09:20,625 He said, "That's me. I remember that." 221 00:09:20,625 --> 00:09:22,875 Peter, your bird is a Nazi. 222 00:09:22,875 --> 00:09:24,333 That can't be right. 223 00:09:24,333 --> 00:09:26,667 Uh, Nazi want a cracker? 224 00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,959 Nazi want a cracker. 225 00:09:28,959 --> 00:09:30,417 Oh, my God, you're right. 226 00:09:30,417 --> 00:09:32,083 Wow, good thing you know German, Joe. 227 00:09:32,083 --> 00:09:34,375 Yeah, and just so you know, the German culture has 228 00:09:34,375 --> 00:09:37,625 very different notions of what's cool to do sexually. 229 00:09:37,625 --> 00:09:41,166 So whatever happened over there was completely normal, 230 00:09:41,166 --> 00:09:44,625 and I don't think about it during quiet moments. 231 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,333 - Joe? - Nein caca! Nein! 232 00:09:48,333 --> 00:09:51,583 Ich no möcshte caca! 233 00:09:51,583 --> 00:09:54,959 I mean, uh, crazy about Peter's bird, right? 234 00:09:57,792 --> 00:09:59,458 Stewie! 235 00:09:59,458 --> 00:10:02,291 - I know you gave my book away. - What is this? 236 00:10:02,291 --> 00:10:04,625 Everyone on our street has a ring camera. 237 00:10:09,750 --> 00:10:12,333 Hello, I'm back. You guys were right. 238 00:10:12,333 --> 00:10:13,959 Murdering strangers is better than paying 239 00:10:13,959 --> 00:10:15,333 my credit card bill. 240 00:10:15,333 --> 00:10:17,709 Okay, fine, Brian, you caught me. 241 00:10:17,709 --> 00:10:19,875 I got rid of the book you forced me to take 242 00:10:19,875 --> 00:10:22,083 after you badgered me into coming to your reading. 243 00:10:22,083 --> 00:10:23,500 Well, what the hell, Stewie?! 244 00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:26,291 I sat through your reading, I said congratulations, 245 00:10:26,291 --> 00:10:27,542 I took the book. 246 00:10:27,542 --> 00:10:29,333 Where do my obligations end? 247 00:10:29,333 --> 00:10:32,000 Obligations? Are you so narcissistic, 248 00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,041 you can't do one small thing for me? 249 00:10:34,041 --> 00:10:35,417 I'm narcissistic? 250 00:10:35,417 --> 00:10:38,709 You're the one who leaves your book on display in my room. 251 00:10:38,709 --> 00:10:40,834 Oh, sorry it's such a chore to literally just 252 00:10:40,834 --> 00:10:42,834 keep a book on a book shelf. 253 00:10:42,834 --> 00:10:45,250 Okay, all right, even though I only have e-books, 254 00:10:45,250 --> 00:10:49,166 here's your stupid book on a shelf like it's 1958. 255 00:10:50,208 --> 00:10:52,333 Did you even read the inscription? 256 00:10:52,333 --> 00:10:54,291 - Yes. - Well, then, what did it say? 257 00:10:54,291 --> 00:10:56,917 "From one hardbody to another." 258 00:10:57,917 --> 00:11:01,792 "To every author's dream reader and a true kindred spirit. 259 00:11:01,792 --> 00:11:04,458 "You lit the flame that ignited my soul. 260 00:11:04,458 --> 00:11:06,750 "My best friend, my inspiration, 261 00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:09,542 "and the only person who truly gets me. 262 00:11:09,542 --> 00:11:13,250 I owe you everything. B. Edward Griffin." 263 00:11:16,667 --> 00:11:18,709 Your initials are BEG? 264 00:11:21,250 --> 00:11:23,875 Oh, hey, Lois, I just remembered that thing 265 00:11:23,875 --> 00:11:25,458 I wanted to tell you before. 266 00:11:25,458 --> 00:11:27,500 Um, you ever heard of Adolf Hitler? 267 00:11:27,500 --> 00:11:30,291 - Yes. - Well, fun trivia. 268 00:11:30,291 --> 00:11:32,834 Gonzo was Adolf Hitler's bird. 269 00:11:32,834 --> 00:11:35,083 What? Peter, if you knew that, 270 00:11:35,083 --> 00:11:36,500 why the hell did you bring that bird 271 00:11:36,500 --> 00:11:38,792 to Meg's performance of Sound of Music? 272 00:11:41,417 --> 00:11:43,583 Sie sind hinter dem großen Stein. 273 00:11:43,583 --> 00:11:45,291 Nach links. 274 00:11:45,291 --> 00:11:48,375 He's saying they're behind the big stone to the left! 275 00:11:50,125 --> 00:11:54,250 Meine linke, nicht Bühne linke! 276 00:11:54,250 --> 00:11:57,083 He's saying, "My left, not stage left"! 277 00:11:58,625 --> 00:11:59,750 You're getting warmer. 278 00:12:00,834 --> 00:12:02,834 What? The parrot started it. 279 00:12:02,834 --> 00:12:04,208 It's not his fault, Lois. 280 00:12:04,208 --> 00:12:05,709 He's just repeating what he was taught. 281 00:12:05,709 --> 00:12:07,041 By Hitler. 282 00:12:07,041 --> 00:12:09,125 Yeah, that's like 40% of America right now. 283 00:12:09,125 --> 00:12:10,959 Peter, if you don't get rid of that bird, 284 00:12:10,959 --> 00:12:12,542 I'm calling animal control. 285 00:12:12,542 --> 00:12:13,625 You do that 286 00:12:13,625 --> 00:12:15,291 - and I'll make you pay. - How? 287 00:12:15,291 --> 00:12:17,375 You ever hear of revenge porn, Lois? 288 00:12:17,375 --> 00:12:18,625 Peter, if you did that, 289 00:12:18,625 --> 00:12:20,208 then everyone would see your penis. 290 00:12:20,208 --> 00:12:22,166 I retract my threat. 291 00:12:22,166 --> 00:12:23,583 Please strike it from the record. 292 00:12:23,583 --> 00:12:25,041 I'll strike it if I can find it. 293 00:12:25,041 --> 00:12:26,875 - You have any tweezers? - No, I don't have any-- 294 00:12:26,875 --> 00:12:29,166 Oh, ha-ha-ha. 295 00:12:32,208 --> 00:12:34,542 Look at us restoring a classic car. 296 00:12:34,542 --> 00:12:37,041 Yep, 2004 Saturn Ion. 297 00:12:37,041 --> 00:12:39,625 This baby captures all the glory of my youth. 298 00:12:39,625 --> 00:12:41,709 Shrek 2 was the number-one movie, 299 00:12:41,709 --> 00:12:43,625 Dane Cook made Myspace the place to be, 300 00:12:43,625 --> 00:12:46,625 and LimeWire helped you bankrupt your favorite bands. 301 00:12:46,625 --> 00:12:48,250 What a year. 302 00:12:48,250 --> 00:12:50,041 Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt. 303 00:12:50,041 --> 00:12:51,875 I just want to throw out my laptop 304 00:12:51,875 --> 00:12:54,000 since I won't be writing anymore. 305 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,291 Oh come on, Brian, don't be dramatic. 306 00:12:56,291 --> 00:12:59,250 Dramatic? Me? Pshaw! 307 00:12:59,250 --> 00:13:01,375 Just abandoning my lifelong dream 308 00:13:01,375 --> 00:13:03,458 since even my best friend can't support me. 309 00:13:03,458 --> 00:13:05,208 So you're getting rid of all your photos, too? 310 00:13:05,208 --> 00:13:07,333 No, I downloaded those to an external hard drive. 311 00:13:07,333 --> 00:13:08,375 How are you going 312 00:13:08,375 --> 00:13:10,000 - to watch movies in bed? - My phone. 313 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:12,667 Couldn't you also still write in the notes app on your phone? 314 00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:13,917 I deleted that app. 315 00:13:13,917 --> 00:13:15,083 Okay, but couldn't you still write 316 00:13:15,083 --> 00:13:16,625 using pen and paper? 317 00:13:16,625 --> 00:13:18,208 I mean, I'm sorry to keep pushing back on this, 318 00:13:18,208 --> 00:13:20,333 it just feels like throwing away the laptop 319 00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:22,375 is-is just unnecessary. 320 00:13:22,375 --> 00:13:24,375 You got your wish, Stewie, I quit. 321 00:13:24,375 --> 00:13:26,000 You'll never have to worry about keeping 322 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:27,208 one of my books again. 323 00:13:27,208 --> 00:13:29,375 Come on, Brian, be reasonable. 324 00:13:29,375 --> 00:13:30,834 That wasn't my intention. 325 00:13:30,834 --> 00:13:32,959 Too bad. Goodbye, dream. 326 00:13:32,959 --> 00:13:34,750 Okay, last objection, I swear. 327 00:13:34,750 --> 00:13:36,166 But that's actually supposed to go 328 00:13:36,166 --> 00:13:38,125 in a separate collection for e-waste, 329 00:13:38,125 --> 00:13:39,875 which is the last Friday of every month. 330 00:13:39,875 --> 00:13:41,083 It's fine. 331 00:13:48,375 --> 00:13:49,875 Laptop! Laptop! Laptop! 332 00:13:58,583 --> 00:14:00,166 There he is, the genius 333 00:14:00,166 --> 00:14:01,583 getting his inspo. 334 00:14:01,583 --> 00:14:03,917 - What do you want? - Look, here's the thing, Brian. 335 00:14:03,917 --> 00:14:05,667 I actually did like your book. 336 00:14:05,667 --> 00:14:06,834 Yeah, right. 337 00:14:06,834 --> 00:14:07,917 - I did. - Me, too. 338 00:14:07,917 --> 00:14:09,208 Yeah, what'd you like about it? 339 00:14:09,208 --> 00:14:12,125 You wrote about kibble with a lot of passion. 340 00:14:12,125 --> 00:14:13,709 Uh-huh. 341 00:14:13,709 --> 00:14:15,667 You described a lot of trees, 342 00:14:15,667 --> 00:14:19,250 and you also let us know which ones were steadfast, 343 00:14:19,250 --> 00:14:21,583 which was a surprisingly high percentage of them. 344 00:14:21,583 --> 00:14:23,959 Ugh! It's pointless. 345 00:14:23,959 --> 00:14:25,667 I've given writing my whole life, 346 00:14:25,667 --> 00:14:28,125 and I can't even get ten people to come to a reading. 347 00:14:28,125 --> 00:14:30,000 Hell, I've been playing this game for 20 years, 348 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:31,583 and I can't even get to level two. 349 00:14:31,583 --> 00:14:34,709 Really? That game is, like, very easy. 350 00:14:34,709 --> 00:14:38,333 Just get out of here! And leave me alone. Forever. 351 00:14:38,333 --> 00:14:40,917 Chris, I can see his gums. We'd better go. 352 00:14:40,917 --> 00:14:43,583 This is terrible. We have to help him. 353 00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:45,417 I have a great idea. 354 00:14:45,417 --> 00:14:47,458 - What is it? - Oh, no, not for this. 355 00:14:47,458 --> 00:14:50,375 Netflix... for guns. 356 00:14:50,375 --> 00:14:54,375 Stewie, you're gonna be a trillionaire. 357 00:14:57,083 --> 00:15:00,041 Perhaps we can lift Brian out of his funk 358 00:15:00,041 --> 00:15:02,834 if we get his book on The New York Times Best Seller list. 359 00:15:02,834 --> 00:15:04,750 It would only take 1,500 copies. 360 00:15:04,750 --> 00:15:06,959 - That's it? - Yes. And a lot of celebrities 361 00:15:06,959 --> 00:15:09,667 actually make the list by buying their own books. 362 00:15:09,667 --> 00:15:12,291 Wait, are you telling me that some of Donald Trump Jr.'s 363 00:15:12,291 --> 00:15:14,834 success isn't based on merit alone? 364 00:15:14,834 --> 00:15:16,166 Yes, I am saying that. 365 00:15:16,166 --> 00:15:18,375 Still we can't afford to buy that many copies. 366 00:15:19,792 --> 00:15:21,792 But Reese Witherspoon's manager just got back to me 367 00:15:21,792 --> 00:15:23,041 about her book club. 368 00:15:23,041 --> 00:15:24,458 Stewie, this could be huge. 369 00:15:24,458 --> 00:15:26,792 Every alcoholic housewife in this country 370 00:15:26,792 --> 00:15:29,000 does whatever Reese Witherspoon says. 371 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:33,000 "Unfortunately, Reese's only interests are crawdads 372 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,417 "and long hikes, so she's happily passing. 373 00:15:35,417 --> 00:15:36,625 No regrets." 374 00:15:36,625 --> 00:15:39,333 Now I'm glad her husband Jim Toth failed at Quibi, 375 00:15:39,333 --> 00:15:41,709 reportedly straining their Hollywood super-marriage. 376 00:15:41,709 --> 00:15:43,875 Oh, don't be nasty, Chris. 377 00:15:43,875 --> 00:15:46,125 - Okay, plan C. - What's that? 378 00:15:46,125 --> 00:15:49,250 Use Lois's account to buy three copies on Amazon. 379 00:15:49,250 --> 00:15:51,625 That'll get Brian in the top 20 of Amazon's 380 00:15:51,625 --> 00:15:56,083 "Canine Nonfiction Under 60 Pages" category. 381 00:15:56,083 --> 00:15:57,417 Oh, great. All you have to do is 382 00:15:57,417 --> 00:15:59,000 click which of these are crosswalks 383 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,458 to prove you're not a robot. 384 00:16:00,458 --> 00:16:03,458 Well, uh... you do it. 385 00:16:03,458 --> 00:16:05,208 Come on, Chris, you... 386 00:16:05,208 --> 00:16:07,458 you're not actually a robot, are you? 387 00:16:07,458 --> 00:16:09,709 Identity compromised. 388 00:16:09,709 --> 00:16:12,583 Abort mission. 389 00:16:12,583 --> 00:16:14,208 Greetings, sibling. 390 00:16:14,208 --> 00:16:17,291 I am Chris 2.0 with crosswalk update. 391 00:16:17,291 --> 00:16:19,542 Oh, phew. Okay, well, it's refreshed, 392 00:16:19,542 --> 00:16:21,834 and now it needs you to identify stop signs. 393 00:16:21,834 --> 00:16:23,542 If you will excuse me. 394 00:16:28,834 --> 00:16:30,917 So, what do you want to watch, Nazi bird? 395 00:16:30,917 --> 00:16:32,750 Fox. 396 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,792 Quick, Gonzo, we gotta go. 397 00:16:42,625 --> 00:16:44,792 Rabbi Goldstein, Peter Griffin. 398 00:16:44,792 --> 00:16:46,542 I'm sorry, am I bothering you? 399 00:16:46,542 --> 00:16:48,166 No, it's fine. 400 00:16:48,166 --> 00:16:50,208 I'm just practicing circumcision 401 00:16:50,208 --> 00:16:51,834 on a kosher hot dog. 402 00:16:51,834 --> 00:16:53,041 How can I help you? 403 00:16:53,041 --> 00:16:55,166 I bought this parrot used, and it turns out 404 00:16:55,166 --> 00:16:57,041 he's Adolf Hitler's old pet. 405 00:16:57,041 --> 00:16:59,417 And what do you want from me? 406 00:16:59,417 --> 00:17:00,500 Well, the word is out, 407 00:17:00,500 --> 00:17:02,166 and a bunch of people want to kill him. 408 00:17:02,166 --> 00:17:04,959 And I was thinking maybe if you said he's okay, 409 00:17:04,959 --> 00:17:06,417 maybe they'd back off. 410 00:17:06,417 --> 00:17:09,208 To seek vengeance or to forgive. 411 00:17:09,208 --> 00:17:12,291 Such a dilemma. Let us see what it says in... 412 00:17:12,291 --> 00:17:13,625 Torah. 413 00:17:13,625 --> 00:17:14,917 Torah? What's that? 414 00:17:14,917 --> 00:17:16,709 Our sacred scrolls. 415 00:17:16,709 --> 00:17:18,959 Oh, I thought those was rolls of Brawny. 416 00:17:20,959 --> 00:17:24,625 Bar'chu et Adonai hamvorach. 417 00:17:24,625 --> 00:17:27,208 My friend, your bird is Jewish. 418 00:17:27,208 --> 00:17:30,667 He only pretended to be a Nazi to survive the war. 419 00:17:30,667 --> 00:17:32,083 Gonzo's Jewish? 420 00:17:32,083 --> 00:17:35,250 Peter, you have done a wonderful thing. 421 00:17:35,250 --> 00:17:38,417 We must celebrate with some matzah. 422 00:17:38,417 --> 00:17:41,583 As we say, L'Chaim! To life. 423 00:17:41,583 --> 00:17:43,375 - L'Chaim! - L'Chaim! 424 00:17:44,834 --> 00:17:45,959 Pretty dry. 425 00:17:53,625 --> 00:17:56,083 I think Gonzo lost his Chaim. 426 00:18:02,291 --> 00:18:05,500 Whoa, look at you, Brian. Back in the saddle? 427 00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:07,417 Well, it's like Ray Bradbury said: 428 00:18:07,417 --> 00:18:09,792 "You only fail if you stop writing." 429 00:18:09,792 --> 00:18:12,667 That's a really healthy attitude for someone who just failed. 430 00:18:12,667 --> 00:18:15,667 Well, it turns out my book actually did find an audience. 431 00:18:15,667 --> 00:18:17,542 Right now, it's number nine on Amazon's 432 00:18:17,542 --> 00:18:19,667 "Mangy Mammal Memoirs" list. 433 00:18:19,667 --> 00:18:21,750 Who the hell used my Amazon account 434 00:18:21,750 --> 00:18:24,542 to order three copies of Brian's book?! 435 00:18:26,375 --> 00:18:27,542 Oh, boy. 436 00:18:27,542 --> 00:18:29,834 Great. So now after having insulted me, 437 00:18:29,834 --> 00:18:31,166 you've deceived me. 438 00:18:31,166 --> 00:18:32,542 Thanks so much, pal. 439 00:18:32,542 --> 00:18:34,125 Why do you even care? 440 00:18:34,125 --> 00:18:36,375 You're the one who said you don't need external validation. 441 00:18:36,375 --> 00:18:37,834 Of course that was a lie. 442 00:18:37,834 --> 00:18:40,250 All I care about is external validation. 443 00:18:40,250 --> 00:18:43,250 I'm a dog. "Good boy" is literally the best thing 444 00:18:43,250 --> 00:18:44,375 you can say to me. 445 00:18:44,375 --> 00:18:46,083 And the fact that even my best friend 446 00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:49,083 doesn't want a free copy of my book is-is devastating. 447 00:18:49,083 --> 00:18:51,375 Don't you talk to me about devastating. 448 00:18:51,375 --> 00:18:53,333 - What do you mean? - Don't you understand? 449 00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:55,667 Brian, I only got rid of the book 450 00:18:55,667 --> 00:18:57,166 because I was jealous of you. 451 00:18:57,166 --> 00:18:59,000 Jealous? Why? 452 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,709 Because you set out to do something, and you did it. 453 00:19:01,709 --> 00:19:03,750 Unlike me and my goals. 454 00:19:03,750 --> 00:19:06,667 Every time I walked by your book, it was a reminder 455 00:19:06,667 --> 00:19:08,792 of all that I haven't accomplished. 456 00:19:08,792 --> 00:19:10,458 I know I'm supposed to be happy for you, 457 00:19:10,458 --> 00:19:12,875 but when you succeed, all it does is 458 00:19:12,875 --> 00:19:14,959 make me feel bad about myself. 459 00:19:14,959 --> 00:19:17,542 And you made me feel really bad. 460 00:19:17,542 --> 00:19:20,709 Then I guess I really succeeded. 461 00:19:20,709 --> 00:19:23,083 You did. Big-time. 462 00:19:23,083 --> 00:19:25,000 I'm proud of you, Brian. 463 00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:30,375 - Good boy. - Thanks, Stewie. 464 00:19:30,375 --> 00:19:33,166 Now, please never do anything again. 465 00:19:33,166 --> 00:19:35,333 - Friends? - Friends. 466 00:19:38,792 --> 00:19:41,125 Still, it'd be nice to sell a few books, 467 00:19:41,125 --> 00:19:43,083 to have anyone know my name. 468 00:19:43,083 --> 00:19:46,417 Meh. You ever heard of Kirker Butler, Julius Sharpe, 469 00:19:46,417 --> 00:19:49,500 Cherry Chevapravatdumrong, Chris Regan, David Goodman, 470 00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:51,250 Artie Johann, Patrick Meighan, 471 00:19:51,250 --> 00:19:53,166 Mike Desilets or Gary Janetti? 472 00:19:53,166 --> 00:19:55,333 They're all Family Guy writers who've written books, 473 00:19:55,333 --> 00:19:57,291 and no one's ever heard of them. 474 00:19:57,291 --> 00:19:58,917 Gary Janetti kind of rings a bell. 475 00:19:58,917 --> 00:20:00,291 Yeah, he's got a popular Instagram, 476 00:20:00,291 --> 00:20:01,500 so he kind of broke through. 477 00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:03,291 But the rest of them, a bunch of bitter, 478 00:20:03,291 --> 00:20:05,000 Emmy-less losers. 479 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:06,792 Has Seth MacFarlane ever written a book? 480 00:20:06,792 --> 00:20:08,125 - Oh, yeah. - How'd it do? 481 00:20:08,125 --> 00:20:10,291 A signed copy is cheaper than a new one. 482 00:20:16,834 --> 00:20:19,166 Thank you, everybody, for coming today. 483 00:20:19,166 --> 00:20:21,458 Chris would like to say a couple words. 484 00:20:21,458 --> 00:20:23,959 "Death came with friendly care. 485 00:20:23,959 --> 00:20:27,000 "The opening bud to heaven conveyed, 486 00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,041 and bade it blossom there." 487 00:20:29,041 --> 00:20:31,375 Samuel Taylor Coleridge. 488 00:20:41,458 --> 00:20:43,959 Ew, Dad, you could have at least flushed 489 00:20:43,959 --> 00:20:45,458 before you put him in there. 490 00:20:45,458 --> 00:20:48,041 We all grieve in our own ways. 491 00:20:53,458 --> 00:20:56,583 These are our church shoes. Everybody in the tub. 492 00:20:58,500 --> 00:21:00,917 Please don't forget to sign the guest book.