1 00:00:02,627 --> 00:00:04,838 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:08,133 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:11,720 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:14,723 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,723 --> 00:00:18,226 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,226 --> 00:00:21,521 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,106 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,524 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,524 --> 00:00:30,113 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:34,993 --> 00:00:36,828 {\an8}We got the house, guys! 11 00:00:36,828 --> 00:00:38,705 {\an8}Your iPad flashlight is on. 12 00:00:38,705 --> 00:00:40,165 {\an8}God, she's old. 13 00:00:40,165 --> 00:00:41,666 {\an8}What house, Mom? 14 00:00:41,666 --> 00:00:43,126 {\an8}The Airbnb in Nantucket 15 00:00:43,126 --> 00:00:44,878 {\an8}we wanted for the Fourth of July. 16 00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:47,005 {\an8}There was a cancellation, so I swooped right in 17 00:00:47,005 --> 00:00:49,966 {\an8}and scooped it up. The Pelican strikes again. 18 00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:52,552 {\an8}-"The Pelican"? - Yeah. Some people call me that 19 00:00:52,552 --> 00:00:54,220 {\an8}'cause I swoop and scoop. 20 00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:55,889 {\an8}- Who calls you that? - Some people. 21 00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:57,515 {\an8}- Who? - It's really catching on. 22 00:00:57,515 --> 00:00:58,641 {\an8}From who? 23 00:00:58,641 --> 00:01:00,060 {\an8}Look, everybody just pack your bags 24 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,936 {\an8}because we leave tomorrow. 25 00:01:01,936 --> 00:01:04,189 {\an8}I thought you said July 4th? It's October. 26 00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:06,191 {\an8}Yeah, but we always celebrate our holidays 27 00:01:06,191 --> 00:01:07,817 {\an8}off-peak to save money. 28 00:01:07,817 --> 00:01:09,819 {\an8}I don't know, this feels forced. 29 00:01:09,819 --> 00:01:12,655 {\an8}Oh, come on, you kids are all getting older. 30 00:01:12,655 --> 00:01:16,326 {\an8}We are running out of time to do stuff together as a family. 31 00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:18,536 {\an8}Plus this is our first Airbnb. 32 00:01:18,536 --> 00:01:20,789 {\an8}That's a huge mom milestone. 33 00:01:20,789 --> 00:01:23,917 {\an8}You know, I heard that every time someone says "Airbnb," 34 00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:27,295 {\an8}a white woman can hear it from five miles away. 35 00:01:28,338 --> 00:01:31,299 {\an8}Mm, sounds like the Pelican got her Airbnb. 36 00:01:31,299 --> 00:01:32,884 {\an8}Who?! 37 00:01:49,442 --> 00:01:50,902 {\an8}I've never been to Nantucket. 38 00:01:50,902 --> 00:01:52,112 {\an8}It's pretty nice. 39 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:53,697 {\an8}Yeah, I like that everyone arriving gets 40 00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:56,408 {\an8}a personal serenade from James Taylor. 41 00:01:57,659 --> 00:02:01,538 {\an8}♪ Oh, I've seen Chris and I've seen Meg ♪ 42 00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:05,375 {\an8}♪ I've seen burger wrappers ♪ 43 00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:08,545 {\an8}♪ Crumpled by their legs. ♪ 44 00:02:08,545 --> 00:02:10,672 {\an8}You know, I heard his backstage rider 45 00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:13,800 {\an8}is just a single carton of oat milk. 46 00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:26,938 {\an8}This place is pretty tight, Mom. 47 00:02:26,938 --> 00:02:29,107 {\an8}I know. Look at the sign in the kitchen. 48 00:02:29,107 --> 00:02:31,401 {\an8}"But first, coffee." 49 00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:34,279 {\an8}Yeah. Yeah, that first! 50 00:02:34,279 --> 00:02:36,656 {\an8}- That makes no sense. - In what way? 51 00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:38,324 {\an8}We don't know what the choices are, 52 00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:41,286 {\an8}so how can we definitively say, "But first, coffee"? 53 00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:43,246 {\an8}But that's the point. It doesn't matter. 54 00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:45,290 {\an8}Whatever it is, "First, coffee." 55 00:02:45,290 --> 00:02:47,792 {\an8}Hey, what if our kid's having a heart attack, God forbid? 56 00:02:47,792 --> 00:02:50,086 {\an8}- Oh, well, I... - Still "But first, coffee"? 57 00:02:50,086 --> 00:02:52,213 {\an8}- Well, I don't think... - What if a 9/11 hops 58 00:02:52,213 --> 00:02:54,090 {\an8}through the window with a dynamite vest? 59 00:02:54,090 --> 00:02:55,592 {\an8}Are we free to scatter? 60 00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:58,928 {\an8}Or must we face the blast, mug in hand? 61 00:02:58,928 --> 00:03:02,015 {\an8}I just thought it was a fun sign is all. 62 00:03:05,268 --> 00:03:06,728 {\an8}Oh, look at them. 63 00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:08,396 {\an8}When was the last time you saw the kids 64 00:03:08,396 --> 00:03:09,981 {\an8}play together like this, huh? 65 00:03:09,981 --> 00:03:12,692 {\an8}No clue, I do most of my parenting with my eyes closed. 66 00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:14,194 {\an8}You know, it's this house. 67 00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:16,279 Sometimes all a family needs 68 00:03:16,279 --> 00:03:18,782 is a change of scenery to strengthen their bond. 69 00:03:18,782 --> 00:03:20,992 - Yeah, that or a threesome, yeah. - Oh. 70 00:03:20,992 --> 00:03:23,203 You can't even make it through a twosome or a onesome. 71 00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:26,122 You are very close to being a sit-in-a-chair-and-watch guy. 72 00:03:26,122 --> 00:03:28,875 My cardiologist said the same thing. 73 00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:34,422 Okay, guys, everyone pick out 74 00:03:34,422 --> 00:03:36,716 one souvenir from the trip. 75 00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:39,469 - Is a seagull a...? - A seagull is not a souvenir. 76 00:03:39,469 --> 00:03:41,179 - What about...? - No birds! 77 00:03:41,179 --> 00:03:43,348 The stores here in the off-season are kind of sad. 78 00:03:43,348 --> 00:03:44,974 Most of them are empty. 79 00:03:44,974 --> 00:03:47,560 Yeah, but I do like that James Taylor sings a personal serenade 80 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:50,105 every time one closes for the season. 81 00:03:50,105 --> 00:03:53,274 ♪ A sign goes up as the sun goes down ♪ 82 00:03:53,274 --> 00:03:55,777 {\an8}♪ Another year in the books ♪ 83 00:03:55,777 --> 00:03:59,239 {\an8}♪ She put the fun in funnel cakes ♪ 84 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:02,617 {\an8}♪ Or at least that's what I see on that board. ♪ 85 00:04:02,617 --> 00:04:05,412 Ah, sweet edgeless rock and roll. 86 00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:07,539 You could shave a baby's head with it. 87 00:04:07,539 --> 00:04:10,125 Brian, what is that? 88 00:04:10,125 --> 00:04:11,584 That's saltwater taffy. 89 00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:13,003 What, have you never tried it before? 90 00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:14,504 I have four teeth. 91 00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:16,506 If it's not applesauce, I'm unfamiliar. 92 00:04:16,506 --> 00:04:19,551 Taffy is, like, the official candy of vacations. 93 00:04:19,551 --> 00:04:21,177 They have free samples. We should take some. 94 00:04:21,177 --> 00:04:23,138 Yes, free samples is my favorite way 95 00:04:23,138 --> 00:04:25,056 to slowly sink a business. 96 00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:38,653 Wow. This is incredible. 97 00:04:38,653 --> 00:04:41,406 It tastes like a memory of a life well-lived. 98 00:04:41,406 --> 00:04:44,617 Mmm, yeah, that and, like, a little bit of mint. 99 00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:46,161 You know, it's the end of the season, 100 00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:47,871 so all that taffy is on sale. 101 00:04:47,871 --> 00:04:49,998 If we buy it in bulk and bring it back to Quahog, 102 00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:51,624 we'd make a killing. 103 00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:52,917 That's a great idea. 104 00:04:52,917 --> 00:04:54,210 We are gonna make more money 105 00:04:54,210 --> 00:04:56,046 than Cryptocurrency Carl. 106 00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,505 I'll take it under one condition. 107 00:04:57,505 --> 00:04:59,883 You make everything matte black. 108 00:04:59,883 --> 00:05:02,469 - Okay. - Matte black the world, baby. 109 00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:04,637 Now let me just check my portfolio. 110 00:05:04,637 --> 00:05:06,848 Yes! No. Yes! 111 00:05:06,848 --> 00:05:09,893 No. Yes! No! 112 00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:15,440 Oh, I feel so recharged after that trip. 113 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,067 A total recharge weekend. 114 00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:18,693 Don't you feel recharged, Peter? 115 00:05:18,693 --> 00:05:20,737 If by "recharged" you mean the slight change 116 00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:22,739 of routine short-circuited my colon 117 00:05:22,739 --> 00:05:25,325 so I can only poop at 3:00 a.m., then yes. 118 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:26,993 I feel extremely recharged. 119 00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:29,204 You know what? We had such a great time, 120 00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:31,873 I-I'm just gonna book another visit to that house. 121 00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:36,836 Huh, that's weird. 122 00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:38,797 I-I can't book it. 123 00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:40,840 What the hell? 124 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:43,760 The owner of the house gave us a zero-star review. 125 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,346 She-she said we stole something. 126 00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:50,058 I'm banned from Airbnb? 127 00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:51,601 {\an8}Ooh. 128 00:05:51,601 --> 00:05:53,937 {\an8}- Tough break for the Pelican. - Who?! 129 00:05:59,943 --> 00:06:01,945 Okay, which one of you little rats 130 00:06:01,945 --> 00:06:03,822 stole something from that house? 131 00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:05,824 And don't lie to me. I'm your mother. 132 00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:07,784 I can feel your lies in my ovaries. 133 00:06:07,784 --> 00:06:09,369 The doctor said those were cysts. 134 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:10,870 From your lies! 135 00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:12,330 They're not gonna talk, Lois. 136 00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:14,332 I say we hook 'em up to the lie detector. 137 00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:16,001 Peter, that's not a lie detector. 138 00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:17,711 That's a ride-on sex machine. 139 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:20,255 It is? Well, it got me to sing like a bird. 140 00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:22,090 Stop rolling it into rooms! 141 00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:24,718 Mom, we didn't take anything from the house. 142 00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:26,428 Did the owner say what was stolen? 143 00:06:26,428 --> 00:06:28,096 Maybe it was just a misunderstanding. 144 00:06:28,096 --> 00:06:29,556 You know, you're probably right. 145 00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:31,891 I'll contact the owner and clear it up. 146 00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:34,477 Oh, yeah, I think this is all gonna work itself out. 147 00:06:34,477 --> 00:06:36,730 Chris, can you grab that wand next to you 148 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,857 and crank the speed up to "hummingbird"? 149 00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:46,614 "Hi, Dottie. It's Lois from this weekend. 150 00:06:46,614 --> 00:06:49,242 Had such a great time with my family." 151 00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,077 Three exclamations, 152 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,829 three smiley faces. 153 00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:54,748 "Thank you again for hosting." 154 00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,708 Prayer hands emoji. 155 00:06:56,708 --> 00:06:58,918 Your flashlight's still on, you old bitch. 156 00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:02,464 "I just wanted to reach out about the review you left. 157 00:07:02,464 --> 00:07:04,466 You said we stole something." 158 00:07:04,466 --> 00:07:06,009 Shocked emoji. 159 00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:08,261 "I think there was a mistake, LOL. 160 00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:11,431 I talked to my family, and no one took anything." 161 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,475 Shoulder shrug emoji. 162 00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:16,186 "Anyway, would love to help clear this up. 163 00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:18,438 Best, Lois Griffin." 164 00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:21,399 Three heart emojis and an accidental letter "M" 165 00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:22,859 when I hit send. 166 00:07:31,576 --> 00:07:33,286 A bottle of shampoo? 167 00:07:34,746 --> 00:07:36,539 Ah, I smell like one of those 168 00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:39,292 farmers market candles I never buy. 169 00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:40,502 Oh. 170 00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:41,961 That. 171 00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:43,963 Forgot to grab one for Chris, 172 00:07:43,963 --> 00:07:46,758 you absolute ancient hag. 173 00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,846 All right, Brian, if we're going to go door-to-door 174 00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:54,140 and sell all this, we need a game plan. 175 00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:55,266 So let's practice. 176 00:07:55,266 --> 00:07:57,227 You and I walk up to a client's house. 177 00:07:57,227 --> 00:07:59,562 Walking, walking, walking. 178 00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:01,898 We're walking, walking, walking. 179 00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:03,942 Oh. 180 00:08:03,942 --> 00:08:06,069 Up the steps and we knock on the door. 181 00:08:06,069 --> 00:08:08,321 Knock-knock. Nothing. 182 00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:10,740 Nothing... then they answer. Freeze! 183 00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:12,992 Now what do we tell the client we're selling? 184 00:08:12,992 --> 00:08:14,369 - Taffy. - Wrong. 185 00:08:14,369 --> 00:08:16,162 The first thing every salesman needs 186 00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:18,665 to sell is himself. Write it down. 187 00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:19,958 I didn't bring a pen or paper. 188 00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:21,626 All right, after we sell ourselves, 189 00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:23,003 what do we tell the client we're selling? 190 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:24,337 - Taffy? - Wrong! 191 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,089 Never tell the client what you're selling. 192 00:08:26,089 --> 00:08:27,799 The second you tell them what we're selling, 193 00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:29,426 - they'll know what we're selling. - Right. 194 00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:31,136 - Wrong! - Yeah, I might need a pen and paper. 195 00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:34,055 The second thing a salesman needs to sell is an emotion. 196 00:08:34,055 --> 00:08:36,725 All right, let's just skip ahead. I'll be the client. Okay. 197 00:08:36,725 --> 00:08:38,893 You've sold yourself... barely. 198 00:08:38,893 --> 00:08:40,937 You've sold an emotion: nostalgia. 199 00:08:40,937 --> 00:08:42,731 - Now what are you selling? - Taf... 200 00:08:42,731 --> 00:08:45,066 Don't you dare come to my house and tell me what you're selling. 201 00:08:45,066 --> 00:08:46,735 Yeah, I'm having a hard time tracking this. 202 00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:48,278 Oh, you're having a hard time? 203 00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:50,280 Do you see what I'm doing here? Do you see my hand? 204 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:52,073 This gesture says that I'm in 205 00:08:52,073 --> 00:08:54,451 a domestic abuse situation and you're doing nothing. 206 00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:55,952 You're just standing there 207 00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:57,412 not even telling me what you're selling. 208 00:08:57,412 --> 00:08:58,872 - Taffy! - Wrong! 209 00:09:02,417 --> 00:09:04,169 So, Mom, did you ever find out 210 00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:06,588 what was stolen from that Nantucket house? 211 00:09:06,588 --> 00:09:09,132 - I did. Funny story. - Never is. 212 00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:12,135 It was a bottle of shampoo I must have packed in my bag. 213 00:09:12,135 --> 00:09:14,220 Oh, no way. 214 00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:16,306 You did it? 215 00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:18,600 How does your fat foot taste, Mom? 216 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:21,728 Apparently taking the rest of a tiny bottle of shampoo 217 00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:23,646 is considered stealing nowadays. 218 00:09:23,646 --> 00:09:26,232 Answer the question about the foot. 219 00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:28,401 - How big was the bottle? - Ah, it was small. 220 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:30,070 I thought you said it was "tiny." 221 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,738 Would it pass through airport security? 222 00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:34,074 - That's the threshold. - It was very little. 223 00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:35,492 Oh, now it's "little." 224 00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:37,494 You're all over the place. 225 00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:38,703 May we see the bottle? 226 00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:40,372 I would love to show you the bottle. 227 00:09:40,372 --> 00:09:42,457 Then you'll see how ridiculous this is. 228 00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,252 Okay, so this dinner's not one of her best efforts, right? 229 00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:47,712 - Big whiff. - I agree. 230 00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:50,006 Okay, let's pile that on, too. 231 00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:52,217 Yo! 232 00:09:52,217 --> 00:09:54,177 That's borderline huge, Mom. 233 00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:56,096 The size is misleading. 234 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,181 There was barely any liquid left in it. 235 00:09:58,181 --> 00:09:59,808 It was sputtering to a finish. 236 00:09:59,808 --> 00:10:02,268 It made an audible thud when you put it down. 237 00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:03,937 I hated tonight's chicken. 238 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,855 I am not wrong here, okay? 239 00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:07,732 We paid a lot of money for that house, 240 00:10:07,732 --> 00:10:09,567 and taking the ass-end of a shampoo bottle 241 00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:11,528 barely makes a dent into their haul. 242 00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:14,364 There, definitive proof that your mother always describes 243 00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:17,075 big things as being smaller than they are. 244 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,285 Did you hear that, Chris? 245 00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:20,745 We've all seen it, Dad. 246 00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:22,163 Aw. 247 00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:28,837 Good afternoon, Mr. Quagmire. 248 00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:31,297 Oh, salesmen. Look, I'm gonna be straight with you. 249 00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:34,092 You see this coin purse? It contains $87, 250 00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:35,927 which is what I allow myself to spend 251 00:10:35,927 --> 00:10:37,637 on superfluous purchases every week. 252 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,472 It is currently open. 253 00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,016 Just like my ears. 254 00:10:41,016 --> 00:10:43,768 If you wow me with your pitch, the money is yours. 255 00:10:43,768 --> 00:10:45,603 If it closes, you have lost the sale. 256 00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:46,730 Now let's hear it. 257 00:10:46,730 --> 00:10:48,356 So... 258 00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:53,194 As you can see, we have all the classic flavors. 259 00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:55,405 It's like a vacation in a box. 260 00:10:55,405 --> 00:10:58,199 All the fun of the beach without that pesky commute. 261 00:10:58,199 --> 00:10:59,993 I don't know. I only like taffy 262 00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:02,162 when it's got cute, little jokes in 'em. 263 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:04,706 Something to laugh at while you're doing all that chewing. 264 00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:06,750 Who doesn't love laughing? 265 00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:09,377 That's why our taffy comes with jokes, too. 266 00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:12,172 - It does? - This is Brian's personal phone number. 267 00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:13,882 Every time you eat a taffy, 268 00:11:13,882 --> 00:11:16,217 call that number and he'll tell you a joke. 269 00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:22,599 Hello. 270 00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:24,768 Hi, I'm eating my taffy. 271 00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:26,686 Oh, what time is it? 272 00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,730 Very late. I work nights. 273 00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:31,524 And I like to have a treat while I watch my infomercials. 274 00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,068 Joke, please. 275 00:11:33,068 --> 00:11:35,070 Oh, okay, um, uh... 276 00:11:35,070 --> 00:11:37,364 what, uh... why-why did the... 277 00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:39,491 house go to the doctor? 278 00:11:39,491 --> 00:11:41,493 Because it had window panes. 279 00:11:41,493 --> 00:11:44,621 Oh, that's good. 280 00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:46,247 I'm-a call you again in ten minutes 281 00:11:46,247 --> 00:11:48,291 when I have another piece. 282 00:11:51,294 --> 00:11:54,005 - Yup. - I swallowed quicker than I thought. 283 00:11:58,301 --> 00:12:00,929 Do you know how awful it feels to be labeled a thief 284 00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:03,598 for something as silly as a small bottle of shampoo? 285 00:12:03,598 --> 00:12:05,934 Yeah. 286 00:12:05,934 --> 00:12:08,269 I heard the bottle wasn't that small. 287 00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:10,438 What? Where did you hear that? 288 00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:12,941 Joe and I have eerily quiet dinners. 289 00:12:12,941 --> 00:12:15,443 We can hear all your family's conversation. 290 00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:17,946 Mm-hmm, okay. 291 00:12:17,946 --> 00:12:20,949 You know, I'm gonna get a knife for this cheese. 292 00:12:23,535 --> 00:12:25,620 Oh, let me get that for you. 293 00:12:25,620 --> 00:12:27,747 They're my grandmother's knives, 294 00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:30,542 so I'm gonna need you to sign out which one you use. 295 00:12:30,542 --> 00:12:32,043 Okay, that's enough. 296 00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:34,045 I see what's happening here. 297 00:12:34,045 --> 00:12:35,422 You think I'm a thief. 298 00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:37,465 I can't believe you're not on my side. 299 00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:39,175 I heard the bottle had a pump. 300 00:12:39,175 --> 00:12:41,761 A pump? Who else are you talking to about this? 301 00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:44,723 I'm on a couple of text chains discussing it. 302 00:12:44,723 --> 00:12:46,599 Oh, God! 303 00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:48,309 Okay, I got to fix this. 304 00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:50,353 I am bringing that shampoo back to Nantucket. 305 00:12:50,353 --> 00:12:52,397 It's the only way. 306 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:54,816 Pockets. 307 00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:00,822 Did you come in with this ChapStick? 308 00:13:00,822 --> 00:13:02,323 Yes. 309 00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:04,576 I'll, uh, check the tape. 310 00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:14,544 Oh, thanks for agreeing to meet me here, Dottie. 311 00:13:14,544 --> 00:13:17,047 Of course, Bell over the Door Café 312 00:13:17,047 --> 00:13:18,840 has the best coffee on the island. 313 00:13:20,342 --> 00:13:22,052 You know, I wanted to clear the air with you 314 00:13:22,052 --> 00:13:23,636 about that bottle of shampoo. 315 00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:26,264 It turns out we did take it by mistake. 316 00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:28,475 I-I feel terrible, 317 00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:31,603 so I wanted to return it to you personally. 318 00:13:33,563 --> 00:13:34,856 That's so nice. 319 00:13:34,856 --> 00:13:36,566 You didn't have to drive all this way. 320 00:13:36,566 --> 00:13:38,568 I mean, you could have just put it in the mail. 321 00:13:38,568 --> 00:13:40,987 Oh, no, the mail is so impersonal. 322 00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:43,281 It was important I did this in person. 323 00:13:43,281 --> 00:13:45,158 Well, thank you again. 324 00:13:46,785 --> 00:13:49,079 So, now that this is settled, 325 00:13:49,079 --> 00:13:52,207 I was thinking maybe you could change your review. 326 00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:54,167 Oh. I'm sorry, no. 327 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,585 I can't do that. 328 00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:57,337 Oh, but... 329 00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,297 but I returned the bottle. 330 00:13:59,297 --> 00:14:02,092 Lois, I write the reviews of my guests 331 00:14:02,092 --> 00:14:04,844 based on their behavior while they're in my home. 332 00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:07,722 And you stole the shampoo. 333 00:14:07,722 --> 00:14:09,891 And you only brought it back because you got caught. 334 00:14:09,891 --> 00:14:11,851 So if anything, you're proving what I wrote 335 00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:14,604 about you was correct. 336 00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:18,358 Dottie. Dot. 337 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:19,526 D. 338 00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:21,319 Look, I am on my back here. 339 00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:23,029 My legs are in the stirrups, 340 00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:24,698 forceps have been utilized, 341 00:14:24,698 --> 00:14:26,491 there was some sort of suction, and still 342 00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:28,910 - that's not enough? - I'm not changing it. 343 00:14:28,910 --> 00:14:31,037 Can we turn that bell off?! 344 00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:33,123 That bell was the only item recovered 345 00:14:33,123 --> 00:14:35,333 from a shipwreck that devastated our island. 346 00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:37,502 Entire families were torn apart, and... 347 00:14:37,502 --> 00:14:39,504 Why am I telling you? 348 00:14:39,504 --> 00:14:41,798 James Taylor wrote a whole song about it. 349 00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:46,761 ♪ 94 souls set out on that day ♪ 350 00:14:46,761 --> 00:14:49,764 ♪ And only a bell came back ♪ 351 00:14:49,764 --> 00:14:53,727 ♪ And it sings ding-a-ding, ding-a-ring-a-ding-ding ♪ 352 00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:56,062 ♪ Ding-a-ring-a-ding-ding... ♪ 353 00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:57,647 Shut up, James Taylor! 354 00:14:57,647 --> 00:14:58,982 Things can happen in New England 355 00:14:58,982 --> 00:15:00,734 without you needing to sing about it. 356 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,194 I think you should leave. 357 00:15:03,194 --> 00:15:04,863 Okay. You win, Dottie. 358 00:15:04,863 --> 00:15:06,489 You got your shampoo back 359 00:15:06,489 --> 00:15:08,199 and you officially got me canceled. 360 00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:10,035 This isn't being canceled. 361 00:15:10,035 --> 00:15:11,870 I think it is. It's not! 362 00:15:11,870 --> 00:15:13,288 Shut up, James Taylor! 363 00:15:13,288 --> 00:15:14,748 You don't scare me, lady. 364 00:15:14,748 --> 00:15:17,083 I was married to Carly Simon. 365 00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:24,716 You stole the shampoo, Lois. 366 00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:28,803 I'm not changing the review. 367 00:15:28,803 --> 00:15:30,847 I heard it had a pump. 368 00:15:30,847 --> 00:15:33,975 ♪ Ring-ring-a-ding-ding. ♪ 369 00:15:33,975 --> 00:15:36,353 No! I can't let her win. 370 00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:37,520 Stop the ferry! 371 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,147 We haven't left yet, ma'am. 372 00:15:50,825 --> 00:15:53,203 What's your weakness, Dottie? 373 00:15:53,203 --> 00:15:55,205 I am gonna find it. 374 00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:59,918 Oh, God, Lois, no more chowder for you. 375 00:16:05,423 --> 00:16:07,092 Oh! 376 00:16:07,092 --> 00:16:09,094 DoorDash. That's it! 377 00:16:09,094 --> 00:16:12,180 Okay, time to do a choppy FaceTime with the kids. 378 00:16:12,180 --> 00:16:14,974 Hey, Lois. When are you coming home? 379 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,476 Stewie ...ooped ...tub. 380 00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:17,936 Stewie what? 381 00:16:17,936 --> 00:16:20,647 ...ooped ...ub! I... with an oven mitt! 382 00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,065 What with an oven mitt? 383 00:16:22,065 --> 00:16:23,566 - What? - Hi, Mom. 384 00:16:23,566 --> 00:16:25,694 - ...ooped ...ub! - Who? 385 00:16:25,694 --> 00:16:27,612 Everybody ...ooped... the tub... 386 00:16:27,612 --> 00:16:30,031 more ...oop than water. Come home! 387 00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:33,076 ♪ Ding, ding-a-ring, ring-a-ring-a ♪ 388 00:16:33,076 --> 00:16:35,620 ♪ Ding-ding, ring-a-ding, ding-a-ring ♪ 389 00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:37,497 ♪ Ding-ding ♪ 390 00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:40,250 ♪ Ring-a-ding, ding-a-ring, ring-a-ring-a ♪ 391 00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:43,503 ♪ Ding-ding, ring-a-ring-a- ding-ding, ding-ding. ♪ 392 00:16:57,851 --> 00:16:59,269 This is terrible, Brian. 393 00:16:59,269 --> 00:17:00,770 We've barely sold any boxes. 394 00:17:00,770 --> 00:17:02,480 Nobody likes taffy. 395 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,691 Yeah, I guess without the salt air and ocean views, 396 00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:06,568 it's just subpar gum. 397 00:17:06,568 --> 00:17:09,362 What are we gonna do? We sunk a lot of money into this. 398 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:11,156 We need to pivot. 399 00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:12,741 It's not selling as candy, 400 00:17:12,741 --> 00:17:14,576 so we need to repackage it as something 401 00:17:14,576 --> 00:17:15,952 people actually want. 402 00:17:15,952 --> 00:17:17,245 Let's brainstorm. 403 00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:19,289 Okay. Hmm. 404 00:17:20,290 --> 00:17:22,917 You know, I'm-I'm really not liking your brainstorming face. 405 00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:25,128 Very unlikable eyebrow movement. 406 00:17:25,128 --> 00:17:26,671 Shh! I got it, I got it. 407 00:17:26,671 --> 00:17:29,299 Colored layered sand in bottles. 408 00:17:29,299 --> 00:17:31,760 That's a whole different bad idea. 409 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:34,512 Okay, what about bottles with layered sand in it 410 00:17:34,512 --> 00:17:36,264 that's different colors? 411 00:17:36,264 --> 00:17:37,891 That's the same thing except with the words 412 00:17:37,891 --> 00:17:39,184 in a different order. 413 00:17:39,184 --> 00:17:40,852 We're never gonna sell all this stuff 414 00:17:40,852 --> 00:17:42,645 unless we can find a big enough group of suckers 415 00:17:42,645 --> 00:17:44,856 to trick into taking it off our hands. 416 00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,030 Welp, we found 'em! 417 00:17:52,030 --> 00:17:53,865 Stewie, rebranding this taffy 418 00:17:53,865 --> 00:17:56,034 as Chew Anon was a stroke of genius. 419 00:17:56,034 --> 00:17:57,911 Yep, and when we told Joe Rogan 420 00:17:57,911 --> 00:17:59,746 it cured COVID, we were off. 421 00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:03,208 God bless our stupid, stupid country. 422 00:18:14,719 --> 00:18:17,097 Hello, Dottie. 423 00:18:17,097 --> 00:18:19,724 Lois? What are you doing here? 424 00:18:19,724 --> 00:18:21,893 Well, I brought your dinner. 425 00:18:21,893 --> 00:18:24,771 And... delivery complete. 426 00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:26,648 Oh, well, would you look at that. 427 00:18:26,648 --> 00:18:28,358 It looks like it's my turn to give someone a review. 428 00:18:28,358 --> 00:18:29,901 What? 429 00:18:29,901 --> 00:18:31,861 After every delivery, drivers get to rate 430 00:18:31,861 --> 00:18:34,322 their experience with the customer. 431 00:18:34,322 --> 00:18:35,949 Wouldn't it be a shame 432 00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:38,201 if one of only two DoorDash drivers 433 00:18:38,201 --> 00:18:41,371 on the island gave you a poor review? 434 00:18:42,914 --> 00:18:46,001 Well, they might ban you from the app, Dottie. 435 00:18:46,001 --> 00:18:48,044 You might actually have to leave the house 436 00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:50,213 for food during the winter season. 437 00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:54,801 Okay, what do you want, money? 438 00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:56,094 No, no, no, no, no. 439 00:18:56,094 --> 00:18:58,013 Here's what's gonna happen, Dottie. 440 00:18:58,013 --> 00:18:59,889 You're gonna take out your phone, 441 00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:01,599 open up Airbnb, 442 00:19:01,599 --> 00:19:03,518 then change that review. 443 00:19:03,518 --> 00:19:04,978 Okay. 444 00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:07,105 Type the following: "Would." 445 00:19:07,105 --> 00:19:09,274 - Would... -"Host." 446 00:19:09,274 --> 00:19:11,401 - Host. -"Again." 447 00:19:11,401 --> 00:19:13,403 - Again. - Send. 448 00:19:13,403 --> 00:19:14,904 So that's it? 449 00:19:14,904 --> 00:19:16,281 - This is over? - That's it. 450 00:19:16,281 --> 00:19:18,533 This is over. 451 00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:20,827 You know what, Dottie? 452 00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,412 I did steal that shampoo. 453 00:19:22,412 --> 00:19:23,830 You did? 454 00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,123 You're damn right I did! 455 00:19:25,123 --> 00:19:27,250 I was always gonna steal that shampoo. 456 00:19:27,250 --> 00:19:28,710 And do you know why? 457 00:19:28,710 --> 00:19:30,337 Because when I stood in your shower 458 00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:32,797 and rubbed that peach orchard-scented bottle 459 00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:35,592 of bliss into my hair, I felt like somebody else. 460 00:19:35,592 --> 00:19:37,677 I felt like somebody who mattered. 461 00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,721 Somebody who had enough disposable cash 462 00:19:39,721 --> 00:19:42,265 that she could buy a scented shampoo. 463 00:19:42,265 --> 00:19:44,517 That's what Airbnbs do, Dottie. 464 00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:47,645 They make you feel like you're living a fairy tale life. 465 00:19:47,645 --> 00:19:49,814 And I wanted that feeling to last. 466 00:19:49,814 --> 00:19:51,566 And it did! 467 00:19:51,566 --> 00:19:54,110 Also, I opened your locked closet 468 00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:55,987 and put on your wedding dress. I ate yogurt in it. 469 00:19:55,987 --> 00:19:57,655 Oh, my God. 470 00:19:57,655 --> 00:19:59,282 Yeah, oh, my God. 471 00:19:59,282 --> 00:20:01,451 Because that's what Lois Griffin does. 472 00:20:01,451 --> 00:20:04,621 Really, I should be thanking you for reminding me of who I am: 473 00:20:04,621 --> 00:20:07,374 a secret little psycho with very little to lose. 474 00:20:07,374 --> 00:20:09,209 {\an8}And there's a million of us out there, 475 00:20:09,209 --> 00:20:11,670 {\an8}and you're just welcoming us all into your homes. 476 00:20:11,670 --> 00:20:13,755 {\an8}So if you ever think of giving someone 477 00:20:13,755 --> 00:20:16,174 {\an8}a bad review again, remember this. 478 00:20:17,217 --> 00:20:20,011 {\an8}We know where you live. 479 00:20:21,596 --> 00:20:23,556 {\an8}Airbnb. What are you doing?! 480 00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:25,183 {\an8}It's your house! 481 00:20:33,650 --> 00:20:35,193 Well, it all worked out. 482 00:20:35,193 --> 00:20:36,194 What? 483 00:20:36,194 --> 00:20:37,779 Oh, I said it all worked out. 484 00:20:37,779 --> 00:20:40,240 I got my reputation back on Airbnb, 485 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:42,200 and Dottie got her comeuppance. 486 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,911 I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't care. 487 00:20:44,911 --> 00:20:46,830 Oh. I just thought we could share 488 00:20:46,830 --> 00:20:48,915 some conversation to pass the time. 489 00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:51,418 You're the lady who yelled at me in the coffee shop. 490 00:20:51,418 --> 00:20:54,379 You think I give a crap about anything you have to say? 491 00:20:55,797 --> 00:20:58,174 Kind of thought you'd have a helicopter, James Taylor. 492 00:20:58,174 --> 00:21:00,927 Carly got it in the divorce.