1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,128 ♪ It seems today ♪ 2 00:00:03,128 --> 00:00:04,838 ♪ That all you see ♪ 3 00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:08,133 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 4 00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:12,262 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 5 00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:14,389 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 6 00:00:14,389 --> 00:00:18,226 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 7 00:00:18,226 --> 00:00:21,521 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 8 00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,106 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 9 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,441 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 10 00:00:24,441 --> 00:00:30,071 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 11 00:00:34,075 --> 00:00:36,745 We now return to an ASPCA commercial 12 00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:38,163 {\an8}with the wrong music. 13 00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:41,916 {\an8}♪ Everybody have fun tonight ♪ 14 00:00:41,916 --> 00:00:45,670 {\an8}♪ Everybody have fun tonight. ♪ 15 00:00:45,670 --> 00:00:47,881 Oh, they seem to be doing okay. 16 00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:51,134 {\an8}Hey, can you guys keep it down? I'm about to go on IG Live. 17 00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:55,388 {\an8}Like I said, "IG Live." 18 00:00:55,388 --> 00:00:57,307 {\an8}All right, Meg's going for her phone. She... 19 00:00:57,307 --> 00:00:59,267 {\an8}Uhp, no, she's just scratching herself. 20 00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:01,269 {\an8}Well, uh, anyway, if-if you guys are gonna join, 21 00:01:01,269 --> 00:01:04,397 {\an8}just go into another room, or I'll get interference. 22 00:01:04,397 --> 00:01:06,649 {\an8}Other than that, uh... 23 00:01:06,649 --> 00:01:09,486 {\an8}I don't know, just buckle up and enjoy the ride. 24 00:01:09,486 --> 00:01:11,696 {\an8}Oh, and I tagged Kurt Vonnegut's nephew, 25 00:01:11,696 --> 00:01:14,699 {\an8}so just... just be cool on there. 26 00:01:14,699 --> 00:01:17,744 {\an8}Boy, he's sure living a lot longer than we expected. 27 00:01:20,830 --> 00:01:24,375 {\an8}Going live in three, two, one. 28 00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:27,962 {\an8}What's up, IG Live?! 29 00:01:27,962 --> 00:01:32,592 {\an8}It's Brian Griffin, and you are live in the "Dog House." 30 00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:35,303 {\an8}Okay, no viewers yet. I'll do it again. 31 00:01:35,303 --> 00:01:36,846 {\an8}Hopefully I can keep that energy. 32 00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:39,099 {\an8}Uhp, got my first viewer. 33 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:41,726 {\an8}Whoa! Getting a little crowded in here. 34 00:01:41,726 --> 00:01:46,231 {\an8}And @BuyCryptoKid33 has left the building. 35 00:01:46,231 --> 00:01:49,776 {\an8}All right, welcome @WinACarAskMeHow. 36 00:01:49,776 --> 00:01:53,029 {\an8}And we got @LearnGuitarIn7Days on the line. 37 00:01:53,029 --> 00:01:54,489 {\an8}Let's get started. 38 00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:56,324 {\an8}What I'm sure is on both your minds is: 39 00:01:56,324 --> 00:01:59,119 {\an8}what is the "hero's journey"? 40 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:02,038 {\an8}Well, that's a question pondered by writers for many, many-- 41 00:02:02,038 --> 00:02:06,417 {\an8}welcome, @Gain4InchesIn1Week-- many years. 42 00:02:06,417 --> 00:02:08,419 {\an8}Let me recap what we've learned so far. 43 00:02:08,419 --> 00:02:11,673 {\an8}Writer, "hero's journey," many, many, many years. 44 00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:17,053 {\an8}On the page that seemed like eight minutes of material. 45 00:02:17,053 --> 00:02:19,139 {\an8}Should we bail him out with a question? 46 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:20,890 {\an8}No, we're not gonna bail him out with a question. 47 00:02:20,890 --> 00:02:22,642 {\an8}We're gonna... You know what? 48 00:02:22,642 --> 00:02:24,978 {\an8}I will ask him a question. Give me your phone. 49 00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:31,901 {\an8}We're gonna take a quick break. 50 00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:37,365 {\an8}Hey, guys, I brought in your paper. 51 00:02:37,365 --> 00:02:39,492 {\an8}Why do you get the newspaper if you're not gonna read it? 52 00:02:39,492 --> 00:02:42,203 {\an8}Eh, sometimes I use it to punctuate my sentences. 53 00:02:42,203 --> 00:02:44,247 {\an8}Well, anyway, I have a proposal for the two of you. 54 00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:47,000 {\an8}Well, this ought to be interesting. 55 00:02:48,209 --> 00:02:50,587 {\an8}Are the two of you free tonight for a double date? 56 00:02:50,587 --> 00:02:53,173 {\an8}I'm seeing this girl, and I think she's something special. 57 00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:54,382 {\an8}I want you to meet her. 58 00:02:54,382 --> 00:02:56,342 {\an8}Oh, Glenn, that's wonderful. 59 00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:58,595 {\an8}A-And you're sure she's not a sex worker this time? 60 00:02:58,595 --> 00:03:00,221 {\an8}No, I-I'm pretty sure. 61 00:03:00,221 --> 00:03:02,557 {\an8}I've offered her money many times, and she hasn't taken it. 62 00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:05,393 {\an8}A double date sounds great. We'd love to go. 63 00:03:05,393 --> 00:03:08,188 Ooh, the Quag's got a girlfriend. 64 00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:10,607 {\an8}Ah! Get off me! We don't have that kind of relationship. 65 00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:12,483 {\an8}Shoo! Go on, Meg! Get away from the houseguest! 66 00:03:12,483 --> 00:03:13,985 {\an8}Get away from the houseguest! 67 00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:15,820 {\an8}Sometimes I also use it for that. 68 00:03:15,820 --> 00:03:17,947 {\an8}Newspapers: Because your parrot 69 00:03:17,947 --> 00:03:19,908 {\an8}can't (bleep) on an iPad. 70 00:03:24,621 --> 00:03:25,997 Whoa. 71 00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:28,541 {\an8}A DM from @OfficialInstagram? 72 00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:30,168 {\an8}"Hello, Brian. 73 00:03:30,168 --> 00:03:32,503 {\an8}"As a famous writer, you are now eligible 74 00:03:32,503 --> 00:03:34,672 {\an8}to become a verified account." 75 00:03:34,672 --> 00:03:36,507 {\an8}Yes! Finally! 76 00:03:36,507 --> 00:03:39,177 {\an8}Well, maybe next you can get a verified paycheck. 77 00:03:40,803 --> 00:03:43,348 Why is your paper called Brazilian Teens? 78 00:03:43,348 --> 00:03:45,767 Well, what's your paper of record for tan butts? 79 00:03:47,268 --> 00:03:49,479 Exactly. 80 00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:56,319 I can't wait to meet this new girlfriend of Quagmire's. 81 00:03:56,319 --> 00:03:58,112 You know, I always write their names down 82 00:03:58,112 --> 00:04:00,156 in case his life becomes a Dateline. 83 00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:07,538 Oh, my God. It's her! 84 00:04:07,538 --> 00:04:10,416 - What? It's who? - Quagmire's girlfriend is 85 00:04:10,416 --> 00:04:13,002 my old junior high school bully, Stephanie. 86 00:04:13,002 --> 00:04:15,004 She made my life a living hell. 87 00:04:15,004 --> 00:04:16,839 Oh, see, that guy's wearing sandals. 88 00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:18,174 I could've worn mine. 89 00:04:18,174 --> 00:04:19,592 Peter, you don't know this 90 00:04:19,592 --> 00:04:21,135 because you met me in high school, 91 00:04:21,135 --> 00:04:24,389 but middle school was a painfully awkward phase for me. 92 00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:31,771 I had horrible acne, I had to wear a back brace, 93 00:04:31,771 --> 00:04:35,358 and to make things worse, only one of my boobs had come in. 94 00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:38,111 I had to resort to filling the empty side of my bra 95 00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:40,196 with a Pop-O-Matic from the board game Trouble. 96 00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:45,618 The other kids were cruel and would call me horrible names. 97 00:04:47,578 --> 00:04:49,747 - Look, it's Scoli-Lois. - What a freak. 98 00:04:49,747 --> 00:04:52,583 I just ate a sandwich, so I'm waiting 20 minutes to swim. 99 00:04:52,583 --> 00:04:55,336 But the worst bully of them all was Stephanie. 100 00:04:55,336 --> 00:04:57,338 Hey, Lois, watch your step. 101 00:04:57,338 --> 00:04:58,965 Your shoe's untied. 102 00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:04,220 No one even tried to help. 103 00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:06,347 - What a loser! - Walk much? 104 00:05:06,347 --> 00:05:07,890 18 more minutes. 105 00:05:07,890 --> 00:05:09,726 I would've drowned if it wasn't for the buoyancy 106 00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:11,185 of the Pop-O-Matic. 107 00:05:15,231 --> 00:05:18,818 Stephanie never even apologized, and junior high trauma 108 00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:20,695 is something you don't recover from. 109 00:05:20,695 --> 00:05:23,114 Yeah, my gym teacher drove me home without his pants on, 110 00:05:23,114 --> 00:05:25,241 but your story sounds bad, too. 111 00:05:29,037 --> 00:05:31,789 Well, looks like all that hard work is finally paying off. 112 00:05:31,789 --> 00:05:33,583 I got verified on Instagram. 113 00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:35,710 Look at that, a blue check. 114 00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:40,298 Blue check? That's green. 115 00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:41,549 Brian, you got hacked. 116 00:05:41,549 --> 00:05:42,633 That's ridiculous. 117 00:05:42,633 --> 00:05:43,885 Someone DM'd me and said 118 00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:45,636 they just needed my mother's maiden name, 119 00:05:45,636 --> 00:05:47,513 the last four numbers of my credit card, 120 00:05:47,513 --> 00:05:49,724 and the first 12 numbers of my credit card. 121 00:05:49,724 --> 00:05:51,601 Then they responded right away with, 122 00:05:51,601 --> 00:05:53,102 "Thank you, comploted." 123 00:05:53,102 --> 00:05:54,520 Huh. 124 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:55,855 That's not how you spell "completed." 125 00:05:55,855 --> 00:05:57,940 It's my credit card company. 126 00:05:57,940 --> 00:05:59,650 Hello? 127 00:05:59,650 --> 00:06:01,319 No, that wasn't me. 128 00:06:01,319 --> 00:06:03,571 No. No. Ma'am, I wouldn't know what to do 129 00:06:03,571 --> 00:06:05,490 with that many Tommy Hilfiger T-shirts. 130 00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:06,949 Yuck. 131 00:06:06,949 --> 00:06:08,910 Okay, you were right. I got hacked. 132 00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:11,871 I'm so mad, that hacker has me seeing gray. 133 00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:14,374 Red. It's red, Brian. 134 00:06:18,961 --> 00:06:20,630 Why are you so upset? 135 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,507 You already canceled your credit card. 136 00:06:22,507 --> 00:06:24,592 This hacker is destroying my Instagram. 137 00:06:24,592 --> 00:06:26,010 I have a brand. 138 00:06:26,010 --> 00:06:28,012 Posting Steve Harvey stand-up jokes 139 00:06:28,012 --> 00:06:30,139 is actually Steve Harvey's brand. 140 00:06:30,139 --> 00:06:32,392 I think you should just give your account to the hacker. 141 00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:34,894 I mean, your Instagram wasn't setting the world on fire. 142 00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:36,938 And I suppose the hacker's posts are better? 143 00:06:36,938 --> 00:06:39,023 Look at this, it's just a half a bottle of vodka 144 00:06:39,023 --> 00:06:41,234 that says, "Eto vodka-chas gde-to." 145 00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:42,777 Brian, what does that even mean? 146 00:06:42,777 --> 00:06:44,779 Hit "See translation." 147 00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:46,906 "It's vodka o'clock somewhere." 148 00:06:46,906 --> 00:06:49,325 Oh, that's very funny. That's very funny. 149 00:06:49,325 --> 00:06:51,285 You know, I've heard it's "wine o'clock," 150 00:06:51,285 --> 00:06:53,037 but I've never heard it with vodka. 151 00:06:53,037 --> 00:06:55,706 That's what... That's-that's whip-smart is what that is. 152 00:06:55,706 --> 00:06:57,250 No! No, it's not. 153 00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:58,751 Stewie, I need to get my account back. 154 00:06:58,751 --> 00:07:01,671 I-I may have sent some weird DMs to Zendaya 155 00:07:01,671 --> 00:07:03,631 that I'd rather not see the light of day. 156 00:07:03,631 --> 00:07:06,342 Euphoria Zendaya or Disney Zendaya? 157 00:07:06,342 --> 00:07:09,303 Yeah, a little from column A, little from column B. 158 00:07:09,303 --> 00:07:11,180 We need to get that account back. 159 00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:17,645 Lois Pewterschmidt, what a small world. 160 00:07:17,645 --> 00:07:19,439 Nice to see you, too. 161 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:22,233 You have aged infuriatingly well. 162 00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:23,693 So, how did you two meet? 163 00:07:23,693 --> 00:07:25,653 Did you both escape from the same sex cult? 164 00:07:25,653 --> 00:07:27,113 Sex cults sound terrible, 165 00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:28,990 but also, how do I get invited to one? 166 00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:30,658 - You tell it. - No, you tell it. 167 00:07:30,658 --> 00:07:31,742 No, you just tell it. 168 00:07:31,742 --> 00:07:33,578 - No, you. Fine, I'll go. - No, you, you go. 169 00:07:34,745 --> 00:07:36,330 Okay, Tinder. 170 00:07:36,330 --> 00:07:38,708 Huh, didn't really need that whole parade. 171 00:07:38,708 --> 00:07:40,251 And how did you two meet? 172 00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:43,045 Lois was dating another guy and I threatened to kill myself. 173 00:07:43,045 --> 00:07:45,339 Lois, remember you had that back brace 174 00:07:45,339 --> 00:07:47,675 everyone said made you look like an ironing board in a sweater? 175 00:07:47,675 --> 00:07:50,178 Say more stuff. 176 00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:52,680 You were a nerd? I thought you said you were a prom queen. 177 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:54,515 Prawn Queen. 178 00:07:54,515 --> 00:07:55,975 She ate a lot of shellfish 179 00:07:55,975 --> 00:07:57,268 and her back was curved liked a shrimp. 180 00:07:57,268 --> 00:07:59,770 I've never meant this before, 181 00:07:59,770 --> 00:08:01,647 but we should do this again. 182 00:08:01,647 --> 00:08:03,441 Kids were so mean back then. 183 00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:05,985 Well, I barely remember those years. 184 00:08:05,985 --> 00:08:08,488 Peter and I have three lovely kids. 185 00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:11,532 They're a lot happier since you're allowed to be fat now. 186 00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:14,785 Being a mom is the most fulfilling job in the world. 187 00:08:14,785 --> 00:08:16,913 Oh, do you have kids? 188 00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:18,414 Be careful how you answer this. 189 00:08:18,414 --> 00:08:21,292 Oh, I wish I did, but after medical school, 190 00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:24,045 then a four-year residency, a two-year specialty, 191 00:08:24,045 --> 00:08:26,923 three years in Central America with Doctors Without Borders... 192 00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:29,467 Okay. Well, I'm sure all those achievements 193 00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:31,511 will come visit you when you're on your deathbed. 194 00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:34,347 Excuse me, some of the other diners have complained 195 00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:36,098 that you're not talking loudly enough. 196 00:08:36,098 --> 00:08:38,935 They're loving these stories about how she was a nerd. 197 00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:41,938 It was "prawn queen"! Like the shrimp! 198 00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:43,981 Oh, that's even funnier. 199 00:08:46,734 --> 00:08:48,319 You know what? 200 00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:50,154 I feel sorry for Stephanie now. 201 00:08:50,154 --> 00:08:52,949 Really? What part? The good skin or the great job? 202 00:08:52,949 --> 00:08:54,700 Oh, pfft. "Great job." 203 00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:56,661 Anyone can be a doctor in Ecuador. 204 00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:58,162 You think they're checking diplomas? 205 00:08:58,162 --> 00:08:59,622 And she doesn't have any kids. 206 00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:02,041 Probably can't. You know why? GMOs. 207 00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:04,001 Just gonna run this light real quick. 208 00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:07,338 Settle down. 209 00:09:07,338 --> 00:09:09,257 I mean, I ate way better than she was eating. 210 00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:11,050 Did you see I ordered a salad? 211 00:09:11,050 --> 00:09:13,803 It was a wedge that was mostly bleu cheese and bacon. 212 00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:16,013 It was listed under "salad." 213 00:09:16,013 --> 00:09:18,516 But did you notice Stephanie ordered french fries? 214 00:09:18,516 --> 00:09:21,727 French fries, no kids, you do the math. 215 00:09:21,727 --> 00:09:24,605 Anyway, point is, I won dinner. 216 00:09:25,856 --> 00:09:27,942 Settle down. 217 00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:31,862 I mean, you-you think I won dinner, right, Peter? 218 00:09:31,862 --> 00:09:34,115 Well, you did eat a lot faster than her. 219 00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:36,450 And-and now that I think about it, 220 00:09:36,450 --> 00:09:39,537 after she said I looked good, she looked right at my hands. 221 00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:42,456 What does that mean? Age comes out in the hands, Peter. 222 00:09:42,456 --> 00:09:44,250 Maybe she's trying to figure out how old I am. 223 00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:45,918 Well, but she knows how old I am. 224 00:09:45,918 --> 00:09:48,796 I bet she was judging my tiny wedding ring. 225 00:09:48,796 --> 00:09:50,756 Why was she looking at my hands, Peter? 226 00:09:50,756 --> 00:09:52,508 I think your thumb was in the butter. 227 00:09:52,508 --> 00:09:53,926 But did she see that? 228 00:09:53,926 --> 00:09:55,595 I don't know, but nobody ate butter after that, 229 00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,263 so, yeah, probably. 230 00:09:57,263 --> 00:10:00,349 I love that she had to ask what caprese was. 231 00:10:00,349 --> 00:10:02,226 What a dumb bitch. 232 00:10:02,226 --> 00:10:04,270 What-What's going on with your face? 233 00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:06,731 I don't know what you're talking about. 234 00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:09,567 Maybe-maybe it's a giant grin, huh? 235 00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:12,278 From having triumphed over my former bully. 236 00:10:13,362 --> 00:10:15,615 There's a rash forming on the back of your legs. 237 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:16,949 What? There is? 238 00:10:16,949 --> 00:10:19,118 Ah! Son of a bitch! 239 00:10:19,118 --> 00:10:20,870 Lois, what the hell's going on with you? 240 00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:22,580 I don't know. 241 00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:24,290 I think seeing Stephanie brought back 242 00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:26,584 one of my old junior high school panic attacks. 243 00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:29,211 Quick, I have to do the only thing 244 00:10:29,211 --> 00:10:30,630 that would calm me back then: 245 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,549 lie in a dark room and try to blast Sarah McLachlan 246 00:10:33,549 --> 00:10:35,551 but accidentally play the wrong song. 247 00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:40,598 ♪ Everybody have fun tonight ♪ 248 00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:42,183 ♪ Everybody have... ♪ 249 00:10:42,183 --> 00:10:45,311 Oh, phew, Lois seems to be doing okay. 250 00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:48,564 ♪ Everybody Wang Chung tonight ♪ 251 00:10:48,564 --> 00:10:51,776 ♪ Everybody have fun tonight. ♪ 252 00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:58,824 Have we ever been alone in a room together before? 253 00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:02,453 - So, Instagram update... - We're talking! 254 00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:04,038 The hacker contacted me. 255 00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:05,915 He's demanding $10,000. 256 00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:07,750 I hear you're looking to kill somebody. 257 00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:09,794 What? No. I'm just trying to find a guy 258 00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:11,045 who hacked my Instagram account. 259 00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:12,421 I can also help with that. 260 00:11:12,421 --> 00:11:14,799 I'm really good at finding cyberbullies. 261 00:11:14,799 --> 00:11:17,176 One time, I got an anonymous tweet telling me 262 00:11:17,176 --> 00:11:20,554 to go kill myself and I tracked the IP address to 263 00:11:20,554 --> 00:11:21,764 - Chrissy Teigen. - Chrissy Teigen? 264 00:11:21,764 --> 00:11:23,557 Yeah, that's... It's kind of her thing. 265 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,435 - I don't know how you're gonna find... - That's in Russia. 266 00:11:26,435 --> 00:11:29,188 You can take the girl out of Novosibirsk, 267 00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:32,858 but you can't take the Novosibirsk out of the girl. 268 00:11:32,858 --> 00:11:34,527 How do you know how to speak Russian? 269 00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,779 If you watch enough super dark videos on the Internet, 270 00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:38,531 eventually you're gonna learn Russian. 271 00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:41,117 First, just the Russian words for "please don't kill me," 272 00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:43,369 but it's amazing how those are really the building blocks 273 00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:44,954 of an entire language. 274 00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:47,206 - German's very similar. - And then I was able to make 275 00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:49,250 some friends in a Russian AOL chatroom. 276 00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:51,544 You got a whole little life going on, huh? 277 00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,796 Can you figure out what city this hacker lives in? 278 00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:55,631 Okay, I'm thinking the big boys in Moscow 279 00:11:55,631 --> 00:11:57,258 are phishing in Europe. 280 00:11:57,258 --> 00:11:59,135 Russia has 11 time zones, so if we triangulate 281 00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:01,429 the activity through peak hours... 282 00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:02,763 Yup. Just what I thought. 283 00:12:02,763 --> 00:12:04,682 - Chelyabinsk. - That was fast. 284 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:08,102 You got to move fast in this world, bro. 285 00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:10,396 So, are we gonna go find this guy or what? 286 00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:12,523 All right, looks like we're going to Russia. 287 00:12:12,523 --> 00:12:15,526 Russia? We can't go there. They're at war with Ukraine. 288 00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:18,404 - They are? Whoa, crazy. - I say we do it. 289 00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:20,531 We're really gonna go to a country at war 290 00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:23,367 and we couldn't go to my business meeting on Fire Island? 291 00:12:23,367 --> 00:12:27,788 - What business meeting? - I sell bikini swimsuits for "men of size." 292 00:12:27,788 --> 00:12:29,832 - You mean fat guys? - No. 293 00:12:29,832 --> 00:12:32,752 No, no, no, no, no, no. 294 00:12:42,803 --> 00:12:45,055 Are you here for business or displeasure? 295 00:12:45,055 --> 00:12:46,474 We're here to find the hacker that... 296 00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:48,309 Stole your Instagram, yes. 297 00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:50,895 Enjoy ten-square kilometer of country 298 00:12:50,895 --> 00:12:53,522 that don't make Geiger counter go "beep, beep, beep." 299 00:12:53,522 --> 00:12:55,191 Hey! 300 00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,444 It's that way. 301 00:13:01,530 --> 00:13:04,200 And then Nurse Maguire gave everyone a valentine 302 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,534 except for me. 303 00:13:05,534 --> 00:13:07,828 I want to be picked up now, Mom. 304 00:13:07,828 --> 00:13:09,580 Fine, I'll see you at 4:00. 305 00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:13,709 - What do you want? - Dr. Hartman, 306 00:13:13,709 --> 00:13:15,336 I have no idea what's going on. 307 00:13:15,336 --> 00:13:18,130 I feel like I'm turning back into my old teenage self, 308 00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:20,299 and there's nothing I can do about it. 309 00:13:20,299 --> 00:13:23,093 I see. Did you recently run into an old bully 310 00:13:23,093 --> 00:13:25,012 or were you tagged in a very unflattering 311 00:13:25,012 --> 00:13:26,597 Throwback Thursday photo? 312 00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:30,226 I did. I ran into a girl who terrorized me in junior high 313 00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:32,937 and she used to call me Scoli-Lois. 314 00:13:32,937 --> 00:13:35,314 Like "scoliosis." That's very good. 315 00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:37,399 I just learned what that is today, as a matter of fact. 316 00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:40,528 Dr. Hartman, what's happening to me? 317 00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:42,655 Well, Mrs. Griffin, I think you're suffering 318 00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:44,448 from severe nerd damage. 319 00:13:44,448 --> 00:13:46,408 I am? What's that? 320 00:13:46,408 --> 00:13:49,495 You see, all nerds are one tossed-off joke away 321 00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:52,331 from reverting to their worst, most humiliating selves. 322 00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:54,875 But I don't want to be a nerd forever. 323 00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:57,211 Tell you what, find the coolest guy in school 324 00:13:57,211 --> 00:13:58,796 and give him a tug behind the bleachers. 325 00:13:58,796 --> 00:13:59,797 That usually solves it. 326 00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:01,298 Does that really work? 327 00:14:01,298 --> 00:14:03,050 I don't know. 328 00:14:03,050 --> 00:14:05,386 Why don't we go find out. 329 00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:17,398 Hey, you guys, this is exciting. 330 00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:19,149 I'm reading about Chelyabinsk, 331 00:14:19,149 --> 00:14:20,526 and if it's not too much trouble, 332 00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:23,279 I'd love to swing by Kuznetsov's tea-packing factory. 333 00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:25,239 It was built in 1898 334 00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:28,367 and briefly popularized the phrase "Have a cup of Kuz." 335 00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:30,286 - Yeah, I don't know. - Oh, you're no fun. 336 00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:31,620 Meg? Cup of Kuz? 337 00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:33,080 Come on, we got to find this guy. 338 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:35,207 Now, think like a hacker. Where would he be? 339 00:14:35,207 --> 00:14:38,168 {\an8}Why don't we just follow this giant ethernet cable? 340 00:14:44,049 --> 00:14:46,260 Did you know Chelyabinsk is known 341 00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:48,596 as "the Chicago of the Urals?" 342 00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:51,473 I'm-I'm, like, pinching myself, I'm that jazzed. 343 00:14:54,393 --> 00:14:55,477 What do you want? 344 00:14:55,477 --> 00:14:57,021 Let me handle this. 345 00:14:57,021 --> 00:14:58,230 This is Brian Griffin. 346 00:14:58,230 --> 00:14:59,690 Did you steal his Instagram? 347 00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:00,733 Yes. 348 00:15:00,858 --> 00:15:03,652 I sorry. I also conveniently speak a little English. 349 00:15:03,652 --> 00:15:06,322 Come in, I explain over cup of Kuz. 350 00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:10,034 Oh, jackpot! And you know they're gonna have good Kuz. 351 00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:12,453 First, I must know, is it true in America 352 00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:15,331 there's a man named Cedric who entertains? 353 00:15:15,331 --> 00:15:17,458 - Uh, yeah. - Wow. 354 00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:20,711 So, Brian Griffin, is this beautiful American wife? 355 00:15:20,711 --> 00:15:23,255 Me? No, I'm not married. 356 00:15:23,255 --> 00:15:25,466 You are like big beautiful nesting doll 357 00:15:25,466 --> 00:15:27,384 that holds other dolls inside. 358 00:15:27,384 --> 00:15:29,637 - You really mean that? - Da. 359 00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:31,263 You are the outside one 360 00:15:31,263 --> 00:15:33,641 because it has to fit all the other ones. 361 00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:37,186 Aw, Meg, you're pretty in this very ugly country. 362 00:15:37,186 --> 00:15:39,855 Brian, I only stole account because it made me feel 363 00:15:39,855 --> 00:15:43,317 like I was living happy American life of big writer man. 364 00:15:43,317 --> 00:15:44,944 He has five followers. 365 00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,529 I have nobody and nothing to live for. 366 00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:49,156 Well, you have to have some family. 367 00:15:49,156 --> 00:15:50,741 No, they all burnt. 368 00:15:50,741 --> 00:15:52,451 At least you have a place to call home. 369 00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:56,038 Nyet. My apartment also burnt. This temporary. 370 00:15:56,038 --> 00:15:59,291 I lived in puddle for while but sun dried up my house. 371 00:15:59,291 --> 00:16:02,795 I yell at sun, "Give it back!" But it never does. 372 00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:07,174 That is why every day I wake up and shoot single bullet at sun. 373 00:16:07,174 --> 00:16:09,760 That would actually make a good Instagram. 374 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:11,720 Post that every day. 375 00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:13,097 What? It would. 376 00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:18,477 I don't understand why the man who can't go swimming 377 00:16:18,477 --> 00:16:19,728 has a pool party. 378 00:16:19,728 --> 00:16:22,523 Once the harness is fixed, I can be lowered. 379 00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:24,650 Wasn't this a great idea of Stephanie's? 380 00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:27,152 After the dinner we had, she told me all about the fun 381 00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:28,821 you guys used to have at pool parties. 382 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:31,156 Oh, okay, that's nice. 383 00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:33,033 Don't you think it's a little strange 384 00:16:33,033 --> 00:16:34,868 that Stephanie would want to have a pool party 385 00:16:34,868 --> 00:16:37,413 when that's the very place she humiliated me? 386 00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:39,581 I-I'm sorry, Lois. There's a guy here who's fatter than me, 387 00:16:39,581 --> 00:16:41,500 and I'm just checking out his front-meats. 388 00:16:43,961 --> 00:16:45,921 Hey, Lois. You're not going in? 389 00:16:45,921 --> 00:16:47,923 No, I'm covered in Differin gel. 390 00:16:47,923 --> 00:16:49,675 I can't go in the chlorine or the sun. 391 00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,677 Oh, sorry, Lois. 392 00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:54,221 I thought you were the towel return bin. 393 00:16:54,221 --> 00:16:56,890 Well, if you need anything, I'll be over there 394 00:16:56,890 --> 00:16:59,643 playing generic backyard party football with your husband. 395 00:17:01,478 --> 00:17:03,689 I can play, too. 396 00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:07,693 As soon as I unclasp my hernia girdle. 397 00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:09,111 Aah! 398 00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:15,659 You pushed me! She pushed me! 399 00:17:15,659 --> 00:17:17,036 Lois, let me help. 400 00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:19,204 Oh, you can drop the act, Stephanie. 401 00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:21,582 You may have won everyone over, but you're nothing more 402 00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:23,125 than a mean girl and a bully, 403 00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:25,044 just like you were in junior high. 404 00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:28,964 {\an8}But karma comes in many forms, including stretch marks. 405 00:17:28,964 --> 00:17:30,966 {\an8}- We all see them! - I don't see them. 406 00:17:30,966 --> 00:17:32,926 {\an8}Above the knee on her left thigh. 407 00:17:32,926 --> 00:17:34,344 You pushed me now, 408 00:17:34,344 --> 00:17:36,472 just like you pushed me back in junior high. 409 00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:38,390 Lois, I never pushed you. 410 00:17:38,390 --> 00:17:40,184 I was trying to help you. 411 00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:42,478 I was always trying to help you. 412 00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:51,320 Hey, Lois, watch your step! 413 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,030 - Your shoe's untied. - Aah! 414 00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:57,284 And what about just now? 415 00:17:57,284 --> 00:17:58,827 You got an excuse for that? 416 00:17:58,827 --> 00:18:00,287 Well, yes. 417 00:18:00,287 --> 00:18:02,831 I was trying to catch a football thrown by your husband. 418 00:18:02,831 --> 00:18:04,458 I wasn't trying to complete the pass. 419 00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:05,751 I was just trying to show the other wives 420 00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:07,086 how far I can throw it. 421 00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:10,130 So, this whole time you never bullied me? 422 00:18:10,130 --> 00:18:13,425 No. I always admired how you persevered 423 00:18:13,425 --> 00:18:14,968 through all these burdens. 424 00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:17,596 In fact, you inspired me to start my own foundation 425 00:18:17,596 --> 00:18:19,348 for kids with scoliosis. 426 00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:22,768 This year, we have 50 Scoli-Lois scholars. 427 00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:26,522 - Fifty? - Yes, all in your honor. 428 00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:29,483 Oh, I'm sorry, Stephanie. I-I guess I was wrong. 429 00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:33,153 All right! That means it's your turn to service me in bed. 430 00:18:33,153 --> 00:18:35,197 No, Peter, that's only when I'm wrong 431 00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:36,949 about something having to do with you. 432 00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:38,951 Chris, don't let anyone touch my cake. 433 00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,285 I'll be back in ten minutes. 434 00:18:40,285 --> 00:18:42,454 Hi, Lois' friends! 435 00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:47,042 Well, you ready to head home, Stewie? 436 00:18:47,042 --> 00:18:48,377 What's that, Brian? 437 00:18:48,377 --> 00:18:51,004 Sorry, I'm muling quite a bit of Kuz right now. 438 00:18:51,004 --> 00:18:52,631 Where's your stuff? 439 00:18:52,631 --> 00:18:55,050 Brian, we came here to find your account 440 00:18:55,050 --> 00:18:58,095 but found something much more valuable: 441 00:18:58,095 --> 00:18:59,429 my happiness. 442 00:18:59,429 --> 00:19:01,473 Yeah, le-let me be the writer, Meg. 443 00:19:01,473 --> 00:19:03,058 I can't go back home. 444 00:19:03,058 --> 00:19:05,352 What? You're staying in Russia? 445 00:19:05,352 --> 00:19:08,147 This is a country where female body hair is encouraged, 446 00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:11,024 where I can eat root vegetables straight from the ground 447 00:19:11,024 --> 00:19:14,194 without being placed under an involuntary psychiatric hold. 448 00:19:14,194 --> 00:19:16,864 Last night, when Ivan made love to me... 449 00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:17,948 - Aah, no, no, no. - Uh, please, please stop. 450 00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:19,116 - Nope, nope, nope. - Stop, stop. 451 00:19:19,116 --> 00:19:20,993 He said, (Russian accent): "Meg Griffin, 452 00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:23,412 you have strong haunches like horse." 453 00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:25,247 How sweet is that? 454 00:19:25,247 --> 00:19:27,499 I'm an eight in Russia, Brian. 455 00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:28,959 I'm staying here. 456 00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:31,253 Well, okay. 457 00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:33,463 But we're truly gonna miss you. 458 00:19:33,463 --> 00:19:36,717 And if this really is the end of our time together, 459 00:19:36,717 --> 00:19:39,261 we probably ought to tally up expenses from the trip. 460 00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:41,972 Oh, um, okay. 461 00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:43,849 Yeah, I bought that magazine at the airport, 462 00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:45,726 so let's put that in the "group" column. 463 00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:47,394 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. - Yeah, no, 464 00:19:47,394 --> 00:19:49,271 airport purchases, we said, were all together. 465 00:19:49,271 --> 00:19:50,564 You're the only one who read that. 466 00:19:50,564 --> 00:19:51,899 It goes in the "Brian" column. 467 00:19:51,899 --> 00:19:53,650 You read the cover. You commented on it. 468 00:19:53,650 --> 00:19:56,528 All I said was, "When did Miles Teller get so jacked?" 469 00:19:56,528 --> 00:19:58,405 - Yeah. That's reading. - That's not reading. 470 00:19:58,405 --> 00:20:00,490 That's just looking at a picture and commenting. 471 00:20:00,490 --> 00:20:02,117 So you're saying the words "Miles Teller" 472 00:20:02,117 --> 00:20:03,410 were not on the cover? 473 00:20:03,410 --> 00:20:05,370 Oh, okay, well, when I bought my Clif Bar, 474 00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:08,373 you said, "Mmm, peanut butter and chocolate, looks good." 475 00:20:08,373 --> 00:20:10,417 Sounds like a group expense to me. 476 00:20:10,417 --> 00:20:11,543 No way. Meg, wouldn't you call that a personal... 477 00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:14,129 - Uhp, she's gone. - Yep. 478 00:20:14,129 --> 00:20:16,757 Guess we're covering her neck pillow, huh? 479 00:20:21,845 --> 00:20:24,556 Oh, gang, we got another postcard from Meg. 480 00:20:24,556 --> 00:20:26,725 "Dear Mom and Dad, 481 00:20:26,725 --> 00:20:29,228 "I've contracted rinderpest, 482 00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:31,438 "also known as cattle plague, 483 00:20:31,438 --> 00:20:33,857 "which has been eradicated from most of the world, 484 00:20:33,857 --> 00:20:35,651 "except from here. 485 00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:38,362 They say I'm a local now, ha-ha." 486 00:20:38,362 --> 00:20:40,697 Aw, I'm just glad she's having fun. 487 00:20:40,697 --> 00:20:42,324 Yeah, and thank God 488 00:20:42,324 --> 00:20:44,284 everything worked out between me and Stephanie, 489 00:20:44,284 --> 00:20:47,371 so I can finally put all that middle school baggage behind me. 490 00:20:47,371 --> 00:20:48,956 And maybe I can start putting 491 00:20:48,956 --> 00:20:51,083 some of my other baggage behind me. 492 00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:53,460 Peter, we need to talk. 493 00:20:53,460 --> 00:20:55,045 I think this relationship has... 494 00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:57,339 If you leave me I will kill myself. 495 00:21:00,217 --> 00:21:01,885 I love us. 496 00:21:34,001 --> 00:21:35,961 {\an8}Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH