1 00:00:01,626 --> 00:00:04,838 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:08,133 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:11,720 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:14,723 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,723 --> 00:00:18,226 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,226 --> 00:00:21,521 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,106 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,524 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,524 --> 00:00:30,113 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:35,076 --> 00:00:36,745 {\an8}Hi, honey, how was school today? 11 00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:39,539 {\an8}Well, the metal detectors were down, so the popular kids 12 00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:41,958 {\an8}were all on edge all day, so that was kind of fun. 13 00:00:41,958 --> 00:00:44,085 {\an8}Oh, and we also got our yearbooks. 14 00:00:44,085 --> 00:00:45,712 {\an8}Ooh, let me see. 15 00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:49,257 {\an8}I love seeing what my handsome boy's been up to all year. 16 00:00:49,257 --> 00:00:53,219 {\an8}Oh, there's the student council, and the cheerleaders. 17 00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:55,805 {\an8}Peter, w-why is there a photo of you in here? 18 00:00:55,805 --> 00:00:57,432 {\an8}I'm in the Peter club. 19 00:00:57,432 --> 00:00:59,851 {\an8}It's just me and this guy Jason who joined as a joke. 20 00:00:59,851 --> 00:01:02,354 {\an8}Jason's, like, hilarious. 21 00:01:02,354 --> 00:01:04,939 {\an8}Wait a minute. Chris, there's no pictures of you. 22 00:01:04,939 --> 00:01:06,566 {\an8}Huh, I guess not. 23 00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:08,026 {\an8}Chris, honey, I keep telling you, 24 00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:11,654 {\an8}you need to get involved in extracurricular activities. 25 00:01:11,654 --> 00:01:13,156 {\an8}Otherwise you won't get into college, 26 00:01:13,156 --> 00:01:14,741 {\an8}and you'll end up a garbageman 27 00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:17,035 {\an8}or a congresswoman from Colorado. 28 00:01:17,035 --> 00:01:20,330 {\an8}Okay, okay, fine. I'll look for a club tomorrow. 29 00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:22,499 {\an8}Your mom's right, Chris. You got to get into college. 30 00:01:22,499 --> 00:01:24,209 {\an8}Mostly so you can constantly 31 00:01:24,209 --> 00:01:26,670 {\an8}jam into conversation where you went. 32 00:01:26,670 --> 00:01:29,047 {\an8}Have you been to that new restaurant, Kristof's, downtown? 33 00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:31,591 {\an8}- It's amazing. - No, but that reminds me 34 00:01:31,591 --> 00:01:33,385 {\an8}of when I was at school in Cambridge. 35 00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:35,011 {\an8}Oh, you went to Harvard? 36 00:01:35,011 --> 00:01:38,890 {\an8}No, the Cambridge Technical College for Dullards and Mutes. 37 00:01:38,890 --> 00:01:42,268 {\an8}Not to brag, but there are commercials for it on TV. 38 00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:50,193 {\an8}Because it's embarrassing to see you in jeans at church. 39 00:01:50,193 --> 00:01:51,695 {\an8}That's why. 40 00:01:51,695 --> 00:01:53,863 {\an8}Yeah, I'm sure it was fine back home in Tampa. 41 00:01:53,863 --> 00:01:55,281 {\an8}Now hold still. 42 00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:57,742 {\an8}Hey, Brian, could you drive me to Joann Fabrics? 43 00:01:57,742 --> 00:02:00,954 {\an8}I'm gonna put in some elastic 'cause I've learned my lesson. 44 00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:02,747 {\an8}Sure, just got to stop at the bank. 45 00:02:02,747 --> 00:02:04,332 {\an8}Still getting my accounts sorted out 46 00:02:04,332 --> 00:02:05,625 {\an8}after that Russian hacker thing. 47 00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:07,377 {\an8}Ah, yes, that Ivan fellow. 48 00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:09,879 {\an8}I can't believe Meg stayed behind to be with him. 49 00:02:09,879 --> 00:02:11,506 {\an8}Well, they seemed pretty happy together. 50 00:02:11,506 --> 00:02:14,134 {\an8}Still, it's got to be hard leaving your whole life behind 51 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:16,219 {\an8}and adapting to a foreign culture. 52 00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:17,846 {\an8}I wonder how she's doing. 53 00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:28,857 ♪ This old town, this old crumbling village ♪ 54 00:02:30,859 --> 00:02:32,444 ♪ Cold and grey ♪ 55 00:02:32,444 --> 00:02:36,114 ♪ Like the town next door ♪ 56 00:02:36,114 --> 00:02:38,116 ♪ It's so bleak ♪ 57 00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:42,037 ♪ But to me, it's perfect ♪ 58 00:02:42,037 --> 00:02:46,624 ♪ Especially when we say ♪ 59 00:02:46,624 --> 00:02:48,793 ♪ Privyet, privyet ♪ 60 00:02:48,793 --> 00:02:51,046 ♪ Privyet, privyet, privyet ♪ 61 00:02:51,046 --> 00:02:52,964 ♪ There goes the onion man ♪ 62 00:02:52,964 --> 00:02:54,966 ♪ He smells like heaven ♪ 63 00:02:54,966 --> 00:02:59,387 ♪ Already drunk at 9:15 ♪ 64 00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:01,389 ♪ Though the air is bitter cold ♪ 65 00:03:01,389 --> 00:03:03,391 ♪ And I'm constantly patrolled ♪ 66 00:03:03,391 --> 00:03:07,896 ♪ I've never felt so much at home... ♪ 67 00:03:07,896 --> 00:03:10,982 - Privyet. - Have a great day at work, space dog. 68 00:03:11,983 --> 00:03:13,818 ♪ There goes that Meg ♪ 69 00:03:13,818 --> 00:03:15,862 ♪ She is so dense and sturdy ♪ 70 00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:20,158 ♪ Pumped up for winter like a seal ♪ 71 00:03:20,158 --> 00:03:22,202 ♪ And she's only just 18 ♪ 72 00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,245 ♪ The exact same age as me ♪ 73 00:03:24,245 --> 00:03:26,414 ♪ So pale and plain and homely ♪ 74 00:03:26,414 --> 00:03:29,334 ♪ That's our Meg ♪ 75 00:03:31,419 --> 00:03:36,341 ♪ Now after 50 hours on Spirit Airlines ♪ 76 00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:39,844 ♪ I've found a place where I belong ♪ 77 00:03:39,844 --> 00:03:41,930 ♪ With a man who's oh, so sweet ♪ 78 00:03:41,930 --> 00:03:44,224 ♪ And all the turnips I can eat ♪ 79 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:48,228 ♪ What more can I ask ♪ 80 00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,814 ♪ For? ♪ 81 00:04:03,159 --> 00:04:05,328 {\an8}All right, I got to get Mom off my back. 82 00:04:05,328 --> 00:04:06,746 {\an8}There's got to be an extracurricular 83 00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:08,748 {\an8}for me somewhere. 84 00:04:08,748 --> 00:04:11,584 {\an8}- Hey, can I join your club? - That depends. 85 00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:13,211 {\an8}Can you uplift your fellow students 86 00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:15,422 {\an8}through the eloquent art of public speaking? 87 00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:17,424 {\an8}I'll give it my best shot. 88 00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:22,846 {\an8}, (bleep) for sure, and (bleep) most of all, Kelvin. 89 00:04:26,057 --> 00:04:27,976 {\an8}Uh, I'm not too good at sports. 90 00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:30,020 {\an8}You sure I can be on the lacrosse team? 91 00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:31,521 {\an8}Absolutely, Chris. 92 00:04:31,521 --> 00:04:33,523 {\an8}We think you'd make a great defendant. 93 00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:36,234 - You mean defender? - No. 94 00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:44,034 - We're full. - Wait, your name's not Peter. 95 00:04:44,034 --> 00:04:46,619 That's Jason. He's, like, hilarious. 96 00:04:46,619 --> 00:04:49,581 So I don't have to be a Peter to join? 97 00:04:49,581 --> 00:04:50,874 We're full. 98 00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:58,089 How was day working at bot farm, my love? 99 00:04:58,089 --> 00:04:59,507 It was great. 100 00:04:59,507 --> 00:05:01,134 I convinced a Facebook mommy group 101 00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:02,427 that diapers cause autism. 102 00:05:02,427 --> 00:05:05,680 Ooh, then we had a big catered lunch. See? 103 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:10,352 Ah, my darling has appetite of Siberian walrus. 104 00:05:10,352 --> 00:05:12,729 And is just as fragrant. 105 00:05:15,273 --> 00:05:18,777 You rest, milaya. I'll go make tea. 106 00:05:18,777 --> 00:05:21,071 Man, I miss American food. 107 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:25,784 "Beets are fine, but every once in a while, 108 00:05:25,784 --> 00:05:27,994 "I sure could go for a good old-fashioned 109 00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:29,954 American cheeseburger." 110 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,419 Bozhe moi, what happen? 111 00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:42,467 President Putin will not tolerate 112 00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:45,095 even the mildest of criticism. 113 00:05:45,095 --> 00:05:47,013 You need to drive slower, man. 114 00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:49,015 I don't think he heard the end of my threat. 115 00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:51,768 Uh, well, maybe your threat should be more succinct. 116 00:05:51,768 --> 00:05:54,521 Well, maybe you should call our boss "papa" again. 117 00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:56,856 It was mistake. One time. 118 00:05:56,856 --> 00:05:58,942 One time I do this. 119 00:06:02,070 --> 00:06:04,614 Chris? Did you find an after-school activity yet? 120 00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:06,366 Working on it, Mom. 121 00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:10,036 "In conclusion, municipal zoning laws have ultimately hurt 122 00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:12,288 the very people they're intended to help." 123 00:06:12,288 --> 00:06:13,915 And send. 124 00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:16,209 Gosh, who knew there was so much civil discourse 125 00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:18,420 in the Pornhub comments section? 126 00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:20,588 All right, back to business. 127 00:06:20,588 --> 00:06:24,426 Hmm. This one's just called "Sex in a School." 128 00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:28,722 Whoa, that's crazy. 129 00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:30,807 This set looks just like my homeroom. 130 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:36,229 Huh, the porn school has a Chris Griffin, too? 131 00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:38,189 It's so immersive. 132 00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:39,941 Wait a minute. 133 00:06:45,196 --> 00:06:47,574 Is this my school? 134 00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:49,242 SHEPHERD Attention, naughty students. 135 00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,286 Ass is now in session. 136 00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:54,956 Oh, my God, Principal Shepherd's making porn at school. 137 00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:56,916 Hey, I'm gonna shut this door real quick. 138 00:06:56,916 --> 00:06:59,502 Rupert's pants came back and he doesn't fit into them, 139 00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:01,588 so, so we're having a thing. 140 00:07:08,345 --> 00:07:10,013 Oh, you know what, guys? 141 00:07:10,013 --> 00:07:12,891 I think some of these letters are, like, numbers. 142 00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:14,559 We got to start over. 143 00:07:14,559 --> 00:07:16,644 Chris, can you erase the boards for me? 144 00:07:16,644 --> 00:07:19,731 Kiss my shorts. 145 00:07:19,731 --> 00:07:21,649 Chris, I hear you've been acting up in class 146 00:07:21,649 --> 00:07:24,152 and carelessly misquoting The Simpsons. 147 00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:27,280 Yeah, well, don't have a moo, man. 148 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,491 The slacker's position. 149 00:07:29,491 --> 00:07:32,535 Young man, in this school, furniture has rules. 150 00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:36,122 Well, guess what? I'm gonna do whatever I want around here, 151 00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:38,375 and there's nothing you can do about it. 152 00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:40,543 Oh, really? And why is that? 153 00:07:40,543 --> 00:07:43,713 'Cause I know you've been making porn in the school. 154 00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:45,674 I... You can't prove that. 155 00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:47,884 I heard your voice on one of the videos. 156 00:07:47,884 --> 00:07:50,512 All right, you caught me. 157 00:07:50,512 --> 00:07:53,765 You see, Chris, we educators don't make a lot of money. 158 00:07:53,765 --> 00:07:56,685 So, once I saw I had the classrooms at my disposal, 159 00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:58,311 plus all the school A/V equipment, 160 00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:01,189 I realized I was only a box of wet naps away 161 00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:04,275 from becoming a pornographer, so I gave it a shot. 162 00:08:04,275 --> 00:08:07,654 Hamilton tells me you're not supposed to throw those away. 163 00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:10,532 Well, it doesn't matter. I'm not making any money. 164 00:08:10,532 --> 00:08:12,867 My videos hardly get any views. 165 00:08:12,867 --> 00:08:15,995 I think it's time for me to throw in the sticky towel. 166 00:08:15,995 --> 00:08:19,249 Wow, that's a pretty sad story, Principal Shepherd. 167 00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:21,626 But you want to know the saddest part of all? 168 00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:23,628 Your porn sucks, bro. 169 00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:25,505 What? What are you talking about? 170 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,549 Well, let's start with the titles. 171 00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:31,845 Who calls their porno "Man and Woman Having Standard Sex"? 172 00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:34,139 You got to work the algorithm, man. 173 00:08:34,139 --> 00:08:36,725 You need keywords like "stepsister," 174 00:08:36,725 --> 00:08:38,643 "stepbrother," "stepmom." 175 00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:41,813 Just put "step" and a noun and it should work. 176 00:08:41,813 --> 00:08:45,108 Even "stepladder" is getting traction these days. 177 00:08:45,108 --> 00:08:46,735 You know, if you want to make this thing work 178 00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:49,446 and start making money, I can help you out. 179 00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:51,322 You want to help me? 180 00:08:51,322 --> 00:08:53,033 Actually, I think we can help each other. 181 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,659 You need help with this thing, 182 00:08:54,659 --> 00:08:57,912 I need an after-school activity so my mom gets off my back, 183 00:08:57,912 --> 00:08:59,914 and I think I just found it. 184 00:08:59,914 --> 00:09:04,044 I'm the newest member of the porn club. 185 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,755 - All right, deal. - Awesome. 186 00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:10,633 I feel like I've finally found my calling, like Steve Martin. 187 00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:12,844 I've got it. 188 00:09:12,844 --> 00:09:14,721 I'll do five years of entertainment, 189 00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:17,349 then 40 years of banjo. 190 00:09:17,349 --> 00:09:19,601 Hello? 191 00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:22,979 No, I don't want ten million dollars for a movie. 192 00:09:22,979 --> 00:09:25,815 Call back when you've got 14 banjo fans 193 00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:28,526 in your city's worst theater. 194 00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:32,489 Honey? 195 00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:35,492 Could you shut the door? 196 00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:37,994 Honey, shut the door. 197 00:09:42,457 --> 00:09:44,626 Ivan. 198 00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:46,127 W-What happened? 199 00:09:46,127 --> 00:09:48,171 Everyone here was silenced by state 200 00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:50,298 for careless social media post. 201 00:09:50,298 --> 00:09:52,676 You mean that thing I said about beets for lu... 202 00:09:52,676 --> 00:09:54,094 Quiet. 203 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,637 Government is very strict 204 00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:58,098 about criticism of Russian way of life. 205 00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:02,310 Is true. You see, President Putin can be very sensitive... 206 00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:05,313 Meg, I am so happy you okay. 207 00:10:05,313 --> 00:10:07,315 I stayed by your side all night. 208 00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:09,943 Oh, thank you for being so good to me. 209 00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:12,529 God, this hospital bill is gonna be a fortune. 210 00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:14,114 What? Is free. 211 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,532 Even in Russia, 212 00:10:15,532 --> 00:10:18,243 health care is basic human right covered by government. 213 00:10:18,243 --> 00:10:22,247 Surely is same in very wealthy, superior United States? 214 00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:24,457 Well... 215 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:30,213 ♪ God bless America ♪ 216 00:10:30,213 --> 00:10:37,012 ♪ My home sweet home... ♪ 217 00:10:40,223 --> 00:10:41,850 Lunch lady porn? 218 00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:43,768 Is this really something people want to see? 219 00:10:43,768 --> 00:10:47,188 Oh, yeah, it has a very dedicated fan base. 220 00:10:47,188 --> 00:10:49,607 Plus, the actors don't even have to be attractive. 221 00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:51,818 You ever see a hot lunch lady? 222 00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:54,529 No. It ruins the fantasy. 223 00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:56,531 Ready when you are, Mr. G. 224 00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:58,450 All right, places. 225 00:10:58,450 --> 00:11:01,244 "Sloppy Hoes," scene one, take one. Mark. 226 00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:02,996 Tarps up. 227 00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,497 And action. 228 00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:09,294 Cut. Get that cigarette out of the shot. 229 00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:11,379 Kids are gonna watch this. 230 00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:15,800 I got to hand it to you, Chris, 231 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,386 our videos have been quite a success. 232 00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:20,638 I haven't felt this kind of financial security 233 00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:23,808 since I found 20 bucks in one of the lost-and-found jackets. 234 00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:25,643 In fact, I took the liberty of buying us 235 00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:27,270 a little something to celebrate. 236 00:11:27,270 --> 00:11:28,688 Come on. 237 00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:31,316 - Wow, is that... - That's right. 238 00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:33,568 The 1992 Toyota Cressida. 239 00:11:33,568 --> 00:11:35,528 The ultimate principal dream car. 240 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:38,239 Shallot purple with a beige interior. 241 00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:41,409 - And there's one for each of us. - Gosh, really? 242 00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:44,412 No one's ever given me anything this nice before. 243 00:11:44,412 --> 00:11:45,663 Well, you earned it. 244 00:11:45,663 --> 00:11:47,082 Turns out, you just needed 245 00:11:47,082 --> 00:11:49,209 to find something you could excel at. 246 00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:50,877 Thanks, Principal Shepherd. 247 00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:53,421 Say, how about we drive these babies down to Chipotle 248 00:11:53,421 --> 00:11:55,924 and order guac like big shots? 249 00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:57,676 I saw Elon Musk do that once. 250 00:11:57,676 --> 00:11:59,469 Was it after his hair transplant? 251 00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:03,390 After one of his two separate hair transplants, yes. 252 00:12:06,935 --> 00:12:10,605 Aw. It was so sweet of you to plan this picnic, Ivan. 253 00:12:10,605 --> 00:12:12,691 But why are we in a cemetery? 254 00:12:12,691 --> 00:12:17,529 Meg, I brings you here because cemetery is very special place. 255 00:12:17,529 --> 00:12:20,573 It is here where you can finally meet my parents. 256 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:23,993 Your parents are dead? 257 00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:26,246 Oh, Ivan, I'm so sorry. 258 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:30,375 It's okay. They died peacefully being ripped apart by dogs. 259 00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:34,129 Meg, when you were in hospital, I was so afraid to lose you. 260 00:12:34,129 --> 00:12:38,174 And in that moment, I realized I never want us to be apart. 261 00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:41,720 Meg, will you marry me? 262 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,054 I do not have much to give, 263 00:12:43,054 --> 00:12:45,682 but I do have mother's engagement ring. 264 00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:50,687 What do you say, Meg? 265 00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:53,148 Will you make me happiest man in all of Russia? 266 00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:55,275 Which is admittedly a very low bar? 267 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:58,153 Oh, Ivan. Yes, yes, yes. 268 00:12:58,153 --> 00:13:00,447 Then come with me and let's take brown clothes, 269 00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:02,866 not-smiling engagement photo. 270 00:13:02,866 --> 00:13:04,451 I cannot wait 271 00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:08,580 to etch this picture of you into hideous black gravestone. 272 00:13:08,580 --> 00:13:12,208 Which background you want? Frozen tundra or leaky reactor? 273 00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:13,835 - Oh, oh, reactor, please. - Reactor, please. 274 00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:17,339 Don't know why I offer tundra. Nobody choose. 275 00:13:20,050 --> 00:13:21,718 Hey, where are you going? 276 00:13:21,718 --> 00:13:23,261 Dinner's gonna be ready any minute. 277 00:13:23,261 --> 00:13:25,305 Oh, I-I have to get to school. 278 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:28,350 I have to meet up with the, uh, uh, debate club. 279 00:13:28,350 --> 00:13:29,809 At 8:00 p.m.? 280 00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:32,312 Yeah, there was a whole debate about it. 281 00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:35,273 Well I am so glad you finally found an extracurricular. 282 00:13:35,273 --> 00:13:37,442 This is gonna look great on your college résumé. 283 00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:39,527 And maybe you'll make some new friends. 284 00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:41,738 I am so proud of you. 285 00:13:41,738 --> 00:13:44,741 - No, you're not. - What? Of course I am. 286 00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:47,744 Ah, gotcha. You got debated. 287 00:13:47,744 --> 00:13:50,163 Oh, so advanced already. 288 00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:53,124 Okay, have fun. 289 00:13:53,124 --> 00:13:55,085 Family Guy is brought to you 290 00:13:55,085 --> 00:13:57,796 by the not-new Toyota Cressida. 291 00:13:57,796 --> 00:13:59,464 With more back seat Diet Pepsi can storage 292 00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:01,800 than any other car in its class. 293 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,343 When you hear the call of adventure, 294 00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:06,388 let your Cressida drive you the other way. 295 00:14:06,388 --> 00:14:08,139 The Toyota Cressida. 296 00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:09,641 You'll pick up that french fry next to the brake 297 00:14:09,641 --> 00:14:11,601 when you're good and ready. 298 00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:18,566 Chris? Are you in here, sweetie? 299 00:14:18,566 --> 00:14:20,193 I brought your favorite: 300 00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,654 spaghetti with butter and nothing else. 301 00:14:22,654 --> 00:14:24,989 I'm told it's a sign of a developmental disorder, 302 00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:26,950 but I'm not ready to confront that yet. 303 00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:29,244 Chris? 304 00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:32,163 Cut. Okay, Klaara? 305 00:14:32,163 --> 00:14:34,416 Klaara, honey, um, before this next take, 306 00:14:34,416 --> 00:14:38,503 can you move your baby or get him to stop crying? 307 00:14:38,503 --> 00:14:40,046 There's my handsome boy. 308 00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:42,424 Mom? What are you doing here? 309 00:14:42,424 --> 00:14:44,551 Well, I didn't want you doing argument-sports 310 00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:46,720 on an empty stomach, so I... 311 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,222 Wait, this is the debate club? 312 00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:51,182 W-What's with all the lights and the cameras? 313 00:14:51,182 --> 00:14:53,518 A-Are you guys making a movie? 314 00:14:53,518 --> 00:14:54,811 Um... 315 00:14:57,814 --> 00:14:59,274 Crocs and Arby's? 316 00:14:59,274 --> 00:15:01,901 Oh, my God. You're making porn. 317 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,987 Arby's. We don't judge. 318 00:15:03,987 --> 00:15:05,905 {\an8}We just hand out shaved meats. 319 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,329 I don't believe this. 320 00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:17,208 Chris, you lied to me. And for something so disgusting. 321 00:15:17,208 --> 00:15:18,752 Mom, I-I can explain. 322 00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:20,920 Oh, and on school grounds, no less. 323 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,882 Just you wait until Principal Shepherd hears about this. 324 00:15:23,882 --> 00:15:25,300 Well, CVS didn't have any towels, 325 00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:26,718 so follow me to the science lab 326 00:15:26,718 --> 00:15:29,429 and I'll show you where the eye-wash stations are. 327 00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,306 - Mrs. Griffin? - Principal Shepherd, 328 00:15:31,306 --> 00:15:33,141 are you in on this, too? 329 00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:36,227 Certainly not. I have no idea what's going on here. 330 00:15:36,227 --> 00:15:38,563 Principal Shepherd, Starla is officially a no-show, 331 00:15:38,563 --> 00:15:40,482 so the nine-some is now an eight-some. 332 00:15:40,482 --> 00:15:42,317 All right, put her per diem back in petty cash, 333 00:15:42,317 --> 00:15:44,694 tell Sue Ann in makeup it's her lucky day, 334 00:15:44,694 --> 00:15:46,654 tell lighting it's legs up in five, 335 00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:48,365 and let's shoot this thing. 336 00:15:48,365 --> 00:15:50,742 I mean, what? 337 00:15:53,787 --> 00:15:57,207 We begin with a reading from the Russian Orthodox Bible. 338 00:15:57,207 --> 00:15:59,042 And Jesus said to Mikhail, 339 00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:01,628 "The radio you sold me last week does not work." 340 00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:03,880 Mikhail said to Him, "How do I know 341 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,508 you didn't break it on purpose to get your money back?" 342 00:16:06,508 --> 00:16:08,843 Then they got in a fistfight on the bus. 343 00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:10,470 Amen. Amen. 344 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:13,723 I now pronounce Ukraine actually part of Russia, 345 00:16:13,723 --> 00:16:16,434 and I also pronounce you husband and wife. 346 00:16:16,434 --> 00:16:18,728 You may share a joyless kiss. 347 00:16:25,944 --> 00:16:27,529 This is an outrage. 348 00:16:27,529 --> 00:16:29,989 Porn doesn't belong in school, it belongs on public trains. 349 00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:31,950 I guess if I don't bring brownies, nobody does. 350 00:16:31,950 --> 00:16:34,077 Please, everyone, not all at once. 351 00:16:34,077 --> 00:16:37,789 Is there an Alpha Karen who can speak for all of you? 352 00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:40,583 First of all, I want you to know I'm filming this. 353 00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:44,170 Second of all, I'm gonna get really angry really fast 354 00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:45,380 for no reason. 355 00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:48,133 Listen, folks, I-I can explain. 356 00:16:48,133 --> 00:16:49,426 What is there to explain? 357 00:16:49,426 --> 00:16:50,844 That you've been using our children's school 358 00:16:50,844 --> 00:16:52,262 to make pornography? 359 00:16:52,262 --> 00:16:54,639 That-that you took advantage of my son? 360 00:16:55,932 --> 00:16:57,517 This is getting away from me. 361 00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:59,144 Maybe I can filibuster this 362 00:16:59,144 --> 00:17:02,439 by reading the owner's manual for my Toyota Cressida. 363 00:17:02,439 --> 00:17:05,692 "Dear consumer, making cars is really hard. 364 00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:08,820 There are so many parts, you guys." 365 00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:16,077 Wait. Everybody, wait a minute. 366 00:17:16,077 --> 00:17:18,496 That's the boy who was talking to an owl outside. 367 00:17:18,496 --> 00:17:20,081 Let him speak. 368 00:17:20,081 --> 00:17:22,584 Look, Principal Shepherd may have made some bad decisions, 369 00:17:22,584 --> 00:17:24,210 but he didn't do it for himself. 370 00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:27,380 It was all to raise money for the school. 371 00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:30,216 Oh, is-is that true, Principal Shepherd? 372 00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:31,551 Um... 373 00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,636 - Well, I-I... - Of course it's true. 374 00:17:33,636 --> 00:17:36,097 Every year they slash the school budget, 375 00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:37,849 and this man did what he had to do 376 00:17:37,849 --> 00:17:39,934 to give us the education we deserve. 377 00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:42,103 You know the reading specialist we have? 378 00:17:42,103 --> 00:17:44,856 Paid for by a "Das Boot." 379 00:17:44,856 --> 00:17:46,858 What's a "Das Boot"? 380 00:17:46,858 --> 00:17:48,860 That's when a whole bunch of German men 381 00:17:48,860 --> 00:17:50,528 go down at the same time. 382 00:17:52,655 --> 00:17:53,948 He's right, everyone. 383 00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:56,201 With all those budget cuts, I had no choice. 384 00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:59,662 It was either make porn, or pass a modest tax increase 385 00:17:59,662 --> 00:18:01,998 on the wealthiest citizens of Quahog. 386 00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:04,084 A tax hike that'll affect none of us? 387 00:18:04,084 --> 00:18:06,086 That's the last thing we want. 388 00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:08,421 Meeting adjourned. 389 00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:10,674 Chris, that was some quick thinking back there. 390 00:18:10,674 --> 00:18:13,259 You saved my career. Thank you. 391 00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:14,928 Hold it right there, Principal Shepherd. 392 00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:17,222 Now, I appreciate that you were trying to help out the school, 393 00:18:17,222 --> 00:18:20,308 but how could you get my son involved in something like this? 394 00:18:20,308 --> 00:18:23,144 - You've corrupted him. -"Corrupted"? 395 00:18:23,144 --> 00:18:25,814 This was the best thing that ever happened to me. 396 00:18:25,814 --> 00:18:27,399 See, before we started making porn, 397 00:18:27,399 --> 00:18:28,817 I didn't care about anything 398 00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:30,694 because I wasn't good at anything. 399 00:18:30,694 --> 00:18:33,988 But now, I'm using skills I never knew I had. 400 00:18:33,988 --> 00:18:38,076 I'm writing scripts, making schedules and balancing budgets. 401 00:18:38,076 --> 00:18:41,162 And it's all thanks to Principal Shepherd. 402 00:18:43,832 --> 00:18:45,583 I never thought of it that way. 403 00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:49,379 I-I guess you did learn some valuable life skills. 404 00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:52,257 Oh, I'm-I'm so sorry I got mad, honey. 405 00:18:52,257 --> 00:18:53,925 I just wanted to protect you. 406 00:18:53,925 --> 00:18:56,261 That's okay, Mom. I get it. 407 00:18:56,261 --> 00:18:59,889 - But no more making porn. - Deal. 408 00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:03,435 Redheaded MILF packs a very naughty lunch box? 409 00:19:03,435 --> 00:19:05,186 Dude, that's my mom. 410 00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:07,439 It's usually someone's mom, Chris. 411 00:19:14,946 --> 00:19:18,533 Well, I managed to upgrade us to president-for-life suite. 412 00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:20,368 Window is so big, you could shove 413 00:19:20,368 --> 00:19:24,372 six, seven journalists out all at once. 414 00:19:24,372 --> 00:19:27,500 Are you okay, Meg? You barely touched your kvass. 415 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,794 What's the matter, not enough raisins? 416 00:19:29,794 --> 00:19:32,464 Perhaps you miss your family, no? 417 00:19:32,464 --> 00:19:34,799 Yeah. I mean, I love it here, 418 00:19:34,799 --> 00:19:37,302 but I'm sad they missed my wedding. 419 00:19:37,302 --> 00:19:38,845 Hey, I have idea. 420 00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:40,972 Why don't we visit family in America? 421 00:19:40,972 --> 00:19:44,601 They can celebrate our wedding and say a proper farewell. 422 00:19:44,601 --> 00:19:46,895 Yeah, that's a great idea. 423 00:19:46,895 --> 00:19:48,730 I'm gonna call them right now. 424 00:19:48,730 --> 00:19:51,775 - Ugh, no service. - Here, use mine. 425 00:19:51,775 --> 00:19:54,486 Only service that works here is state-controlled 426 00:19:54,486 --> 00:19:57,530 Russian cellular network where they spy on every move. 427 00:19:57,530 --> 00:20:00,200 I think in U.S.A., you call it "T-Mobile." 428 00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:04,829 Ah, so you got green card marriage, huh? 429 00:20:04,829 --> 00:20:07,791 That's right. American cow fell for it. 430 00:20:07,791 --> 00:20:10,502 Here's to my last night in Russia. 431 00:20:10,502 --> 00:20:12,337 Oh, my God. 432 00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:14,339 This whole thing was just another scam? 433 00:20:16,257 --> 00:20:19,594 I'll give you something to laugh about. 434 00:20:27,018 --> 00:20:28,853 What the... Oh, no.