1 00:00:02,338 --> 00:00:04,509 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,509 --> 00:00:07,682 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,782 --> 00:00:11,389 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,389 --> 00:00:14,395 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,395 --> 00:00:18,036 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,036 --> 00:00:21,243 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,243 --> 00:00:22,946 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,946 --> 00:00:24,215 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,315 --> 00:00:30,193 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:36,272 --> 00:00:37,709 What are you up to there, Stewie? 11 00:00:37,709 --> 00:00:41,283 Big birthday party today, just finishing up my card. 12 00:00:41,283 --> 00:00:43,922 "Happy Birthday, Gurt"? 13 00:00:44,022 --> 00:00:45,490 Yeah, it's short for "Yogurt." 14 00:00:45,490 --> 00:00:48,229 His mom is a doula and his dad is a doula. 15 00:00:48,329 --> 00:00:49,600 I like the blue truck. 16 00:00:49,700 --> 00:00:51,503 Thanks. It was supposed to be a fire engine, 17 00:00:51,603 --> 00:00:53,474 but I couldn't find the red glitter pen. 18 00:00:53,575 --> 00:00:56,246 Well, that's our long-form tax return done. 19 00:00:56,346 --> 00:00:57,983 I could be wrong, but I think 20 00:00:58,083 --> 00:00:59,485 we're getting a million dollars back. 21 00:00:59,485 --> 00:01:02,057 Oh, I'm glad you're here. I ran out of bleach 22 00:01:02,057 --> 00:01:04,195 halfway through my mustache treatment today, 23 00:01:04,195 --> 00:01:06,065 so, Peter, I'm gonna need you to take Stewie 24 00:01:06,065 --> 00:01:07,669 to the bowling alley for a party. 25 00:01:07,769 --> 00:01:09,271 Hey, Meg, I'm gonna need you to take Stewie 26 00:01:09,271 --> 00:01:10,975 to the bowling alley for a party. 27 00:01:10,975 --> 00:01:12,746 I just learned the word "delegate." 28 00:01:12,746 --> 00:01:15,718 No skin off my sack. I love the bowling alley. 29 00:01:15,718 --> 00:01:16,753 I'm coming, too. 30 00:01:16,853 --> 00:01:19,258 They got a new claw machine with a bra in it. 31 00:01:19,391 --> 00:01:22,498 We sure raised a few fine delegates, huh? 32 00:01:22,498 --> 00:01:24,636 Peter, I don't think you learned the word "delegate." 33 00:01:24,636 --> 00:01:27,776 I will not be delegated in my own house. 34 00:01:27,776 --> 00:01:29,546 This is gonna be fun, Stewie. 35 00:01:29,646 --> 00:01:31,717 Yeah, I'm pumped. Partying's in our blood. 36 00:01:31,717 --> 00:01:34,657 We even had ancestors at the Boston Tea Party. 37 00:01:34,657 --> 00:01:36,425 All right, let's stick it to the British 38 00:01:36,425 --> 00:01:38,096 and throw this tea overboard. 39 00:01:38,096 --> 00:01:39,465 How about this Earl Grey? 40 00:01:39,465 --> 00:01:41,236 Okay, you know what, let's keep the Earl Grey. 41 00:01:41,236 --> 00:01:43,239 We-we all have to have breakfast, right? 42 00:01:43,239 --> 00:01:45,979 - Here goes the chamomile. - No, no, no. You throw that out, 43 00:01:46,079 --> 00:01:47,515 you're throwing my good night's sleep away. 44 00:01:47,649 --> 00:01:49,887 How about this Throat Coat with echinacea? 45 00:01:49,987 --> 00:01:51,490 Okay, you guys are gonna hate me, 46 00:01:51,490 --> 00:01:53,059 but we're coming up on cold and flu season. 47 00:01:53,059 --> 00:01:54,796 And I just think that would be irresponsible. 48 00:01:54,896 --> 00:01:57,100 - Well, what about-- - You know what, let's just boil some water 49 00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,572 and write 'em a strongly-worded letter. 50 00:02:04,215 --> 00:02:05,552 Here you go, Meg. 51 00:02:05,552 --> 00:02:08,123 You's all in lane six with Gurt's mother. 52 00:02:08,223 --> 00:02:10,260 Everybody wins. Everybody wins here today. 53 00:02:10,260 --> 00:02:12,565 Gurt, get your hand out of your pants! 54 00:02:12,565 --> 00:02:13,634 Thanks, Bruce. 55 00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,505 Hey, want to put quesadillas in our mouths 56 00:02:15,605 --> 00:02:17,374 and flip through a People magazine later? 57 00:02:17,474 --> 00:02:19,879 Oh, I'd love to, but this is our busiest day. 58 00:02:20,013 --> 00:02:22,418 I got five parties and that guy over there 59 00:02:22,519 --> 00:02:25,490 insists he can only bowl like Fred Flintstone. 60 00:02:25,490 --> 00:02:28,029 Dad, you were coming here the whole time? 61 00:02:28,029 --> 00:02:30,868 I don't have to tell you things I'm keeping secret from you. 62 00:02:30,868 --> 00:02:32,104 All right, Bruce, I'm up. 63 00:02:42,558 --> 00:02:45,230 Yibba yabba yoo! 64 00:02:49,104 --> 00:02:51,543 Stewie, William, you're up. 65 00:02:51,644 --> 00:02:55,216 Well, well, well, looks like the new kid got a pity invite. 66 00:02:55,317 --> 00:02:56,452 My name's William. 67 00:02:56,452 --> 00:02:58,891 I've been on six airplanes. 68 00:02:59,024 --> 00:03:00,394 You do sports, William? 69 00:03:00,394 --> 00:03:02,532 You ever get your ass handed to you, sports-wise? 70 00:03:02,532 --> 00:03:05,003 Not yet, Stewie, but if you throw the ball the way 71 00:03:05,003 --> 00:03:08,143 you threw back that cake, you should be in good shape. 72 00:03:08,143 --> 00:03:10,180 Hope you got another set of pins, Bruce, 73 00:03:10,180 --> 00:03:12,317 'cause this one's about to explode. 74 00:03:12,417 --> 00:03:14,154 Well, call me Norma Rae, 75 00:03:14,154 --> 00:03:16,192 'cause you're about to see a strike. 76 00:03:16,192 --> 00:03:18,396 I watch a lot of movies at my grandma's house. 77 00:03:20,267 --> 00:03:22,639 - On three? - Oops. 78 00:03:57,909 --> 00:04:00,715 Yes! And then there were nine. 79 00:04:00,815 --> 00:04:01,784 It's not fair! 80 00:04:01,784 --> 00:04:04,421 Someone else was using my lucky dinosaur ramp! 81 00:04:04,522 --> 00:04:07,060 Can't beat the old strike-a-saurus! 82 00:04:07,060 --> 00:04:09,097 ♪ Open the door, get on the floor ♪ 83 00:04:09,198 --> 00:04:12,370 ♪ Everybody bowl that dinosaur. ♪ 84 00:04:16,245 --> 00:04:17,649 Are you here for shoes? 85 00:04:17,749 --> 00:04:19,620 Yeah, but I'm not sure what size I am. 86 00:04:19,620 --> 00:04:22,191 The sizing line's right over there. 87 00:04:22,291 --> 00:04:24,295 Just put your bare foot on my stomach 88 00:04:24,395 --> 00:04:27,034 and I can tell you your shoe size. 89 00:04:27,034 --> 00:04:29,038 I don't know. Next. 90 00:04:29,138 --> 00:04:30,473 Little higher. 91 00:04:30,473 --> 00:04:32,444 I don't know. Next. 92 00:04:33,346 --> 00:04:35,116 That'll do, pig. 93 00:04:35,116 --> 00:04:36,887 That'll do. 94 00:04:39,425 --> 00:04:40,562 Peter, you're up. 95 00:04:40,662 --> 00:04:43,433 Just got to dry my hands first. 96 00:04:43,534 --> 00:04:45,270 Ooh, how embarrassing. 97 00:04:45,270 --> 00:04:48,276 What an unexpected, sexy turn of events. 98 00:04:48,376 --> 00:04:49,713 So, did you guys know that 99 00:04:49,713 --> 00:04:51,650 Marilyn's real name was Norma Jean? 100 00:04:51,650 --> 00:04:54,187 - Mm-hmm. - And if you said hello 101 00:04:54,321 --> 00:04:56,159 to Bernard Schwartz, you'd be saying-- 102 00:04:56,259 --> 00:04:58,363 Saying hello to Tony Curtis. Yes, we know. 103 00:04:58,463 --> 00:05:01,169 "Better smile when you say that, pilgrim." 104 00:05:01,169 --> 00:05:04,308 Marion Morrison, aka John Wayne. 105 00:05:04,308 --> 00:05:07,314 Yep, we remember from the list you emailed us, Joe. 106 00:05:07,314 --> 00:05:09,819 You know, Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln, 107 00:05:09,819 --> 00:05:12,191 and Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. 108 00:05:12,191 --> 00:05:14,596 - Kind of makes you think, huh? - About what? 109 00:05:16,867 --> 00:05:18,937 Secretaries. 110 00:05:22,946 --> 00:05:24,616 Sorry we left such a mess. 111 00:05:24,616 --> 00:05:26,921 - Let me help you with that. - Thanks, Meg. 112 00:05:26,921 --> 00:05:28,758 Oop, looks like more vomit, 113 00:05:28,858 --> 00:05:31,161 and I done run out of kitty litter to soak it up. 114 00:05:31,161 --> 00:05:34,201 That's all right, I always keep a small bag in my purse. 115 00:05:34,302 --> 00:05:36,472 You keep kitty litter in your purse? 116 00:05:36,472 --> 00:05:39,145 Well, there's not always a bathroom when I need one. 117 00:05:39,245 --> 00:05:42,652 I don't know how you handle all these kids every week. 118 00:05:42,652 --> 00:05:44,690 Oh, I don't mind. I like children. 119 00:05:44,690 --> 00:05:46,426 Always wanted one of my own. 120 00:05:46,426 --> 00:05:48,196 Someone I could raise a little bit better 121 00:05:48,196 --> 00:05:49,566 than my parents did me. 122 00:05:49,566 --> 00:05:51,570 You'd be a great dad, Bruce. 123 00:05:51,570 --> 00:05:53,574 You should totally have a kid. 124 00:05:53,574 --> 00:05:55,578 I don't know if you knew this, but it's 125 00:05:55,678 --> 00:05:58,349 anatomically impossible for a man to get pregnant. 126 00:05:58,349 --> 00:05:59,886 Even Lindsey Graham? 127 00:05:59,886 --> 00:06:02,826 Well, he's certainly giving it the ol' college try. 128 00:06:02,926 --> 00:06:04,963 But I guess it's just not in the cards 129 00:06:04,963 --> 00:06:06,065 for Jeffrey and me. 130 00:06:06,165 --> 00:06:08,871 After all, you can't make a bun without a oven. 131 00:06:08,971 --> 00:06:11,175 Well, I have an oven. 132 00:06:11,175 --> 00:06:12,879 I mean, it may not close all the way, 133 00:06:12,879 --> 00:06:16,219 and it's definitely not self-cleaning, but it works. 134 00:06:16,319 --> 00:06:18,524 You should thank your lucky stars for that. 135 00:06:18,524 --> 00:06:20,260 Well, I don't know if you've noticed, 136 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:22,532 but I don't exactly have a lot of suitors. 137 00:06:22,532 --> 00:06:24,502 It might be because you's going potty 138 00:06:24,602 --> 00:06:25,938 in your purse all the time. 139 00:06:25,938 --> 00:06:28,677 But at least you's able to have a baby. 140 00:06:29,478 --> 00:06:30,480 You're right. 141 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:32,551 I can have a baby. 142 00:06:33,353 --> 00:06:34,956 Mom, Dad. 143 00:06:34,956 --> 00:06:37,060 I'm having Bruce and Jeffrey's baby. 144 00:06:37,161 --> 00:06:38,564 That's wonderful. 145 00:06:38,698 --> 00:06:41,335 What do you say we take this party to the top of the stairs? 146 00:06:42,270 --> 00:06:45,109 It's not an abortion, it's an "oopsie." 147 00:06:50,855 --> 00:06:52,892 Meg, there is no way you are having 148 00:06:52,892 --> 00:06:55,564 Bruce and Jeffrey's baby. I forbid it. 149 00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:58,571 We agreed no more kids in the house unless it's Young Sheldon. 150 00:06:58,571 --> 00:07:00,775 Boy, is that kid a pepper pot. 151 00:07:00,775 --> 00:07:02,410 It's not what you guys think. 152 00:07:02,410 --> 00:07:03,681 I'm gonna be a surrogate. 153 00:07:03,781 --> 00:07:05,417 But don't you need an egg? 154 00:07:05,417 --> 00:07:07,454 Or-or is that... is that a bad question to ask 155 00:07:07,454 --> 00:07:09,592 now that penises and vaginas mean nothing? 156 00:07:09,692 --> 00:07:11,697 Jeffrey and Bruce already picked out 157 00:07:11,697 --> 00:07:13,333 an egg donor from a website. 158 00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:14,703 Okay, as your father, 159 00:07:14,836 --> 00:07:16,339 I'd like to say something. 160 00:07:16,339 --> 00:07:18,544 You can just get hot eggs off the Internet? 161 00:07:18,677 --> 00:07:21,015 Wh-what, uh, what, uh, what, uh, wh-wha-- uh, 162 00:07:21,015 --> 00:07:23,788 wh-wha-what website? 163 00:07:23,788 --> 00:07:25,858 Meg, this is serious. 164 00:07:25,858 --> 00:07:28,062 Pregnancy is not something you do for money 165 00:07:28,062 --> 00:07:30,267 or to keep a certain professional athlete interested 166 00:07:30,267 --> 00:07:31,936 after he blocks your number. 167 00:07:31,936 --> 00:07:34,643 You're gonna ruin your life, and I won't have any part of it. 168 00:07:34,743 --> 00:07:37,815 Well, too bad, 'cause I'm 18 and you can't stop me. 169 00:07:37,815 --> 00:07:41,155 Dang, no more sush for Meg for nine whole months. 170 00:07:41,155 --> 00:07:43,593 That's honestly what you're taking away from all this? 171 00:07:43,593 --> 00:07:45,698 Well, yeah. I'm still getting sush. 172 00:07:45,698 --> 00:07:48,035 Anyone else for sush? Dad, sush? 173 00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:50,206 Ma, sush? Chris, sush? 174 00:07:50,206 --> 00:07:51,943 Meg, no sush. Don't even answer, Meg. 175 00:07:51,943 --> 00:07:53,814 She's like, "Aw, I want sush so bad." 176 00:07:53,814 --> 00:07:56,452 I'm like, "No, no, Meg, no sush, babe." 177 00:07:56,452 --> 00:07:58,222 Anyway, I'm gonna go out and get some sush. 178 00:07:58,222 --> 00:08:00,794 I'll be at CVS. 179 00:08:04,869 --> 00:08:07,141 Aw, this is embarrassing. We wore the same thing. 180 00:08:07,241 --> 00:08:10,781 Let it be noted that I was the one to change this time. 181 00:08:10,781 --> 00:08:12,785 Anyway, good news. The fertilization 182 00:08:12,785 --> 00:08:15,625 of the hella-more-attractive egg was a success. 183 00:08:15,625 --> 00:08:17,127 Brucie, we did it. 184 00:08:17,227 --> 00:08:19,532 I'm gonna dress him in political T-shirts 185 00:08:19,532 --> 00:08:21,703 he can't even begin to understand. 186 00:08:21,703 --> 00:08:23,507 Yes, so now we just have to implant 187 00:08:23,608 --> 00:08:26,245 that very hot embryo into Meg's body. 188 00:08:26,245 --> 00:08:27,882 - Is this gonna hurt? - Not at all. 189 00:08:28,015 --> 00:08:30,487 Nurse, wheel in the implantation cannon. 190 00:08:30,588 --> 00:08:32,023 You guys are gonna love this thing. 191 00:08:32,023 --> 00:08:35,263 A clown died in there, but I think we got him all out. 192 00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:57,007 Can someone please go get me a cup of buffalo sauce 193 00:08:57,007 --> 00:08:59,245 and a hollowed-out pickle to use as a straw 194 00:08:59,245 --> 00:09:00,881 to suck up the sauce? 195 00:09:00,881 --> 00:09:03,520 Fine, but I'm making you a grilled cheese. 196 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:05,423 And not because I support this pregnancy. 197 00:09:05,423 --> 00:09:08,363 I just enjoy making passive- aggressive grilled cheeses 198 00:09:08,363 --> 00:09:09,666 for people and then saying, "Here, 199 00:09:09,666 --> 00:09:12,371 here's your freakin' grilled cheese." 200 00:09:12,371 --> 00:09:14,543 Hey, Meg? 201 00:09:14,643 --> 00:09:16,546 How many farts you been blasting off today? 202 00:09:16,646 --> 00:09:18,517 We talking bigs and smalls? 203 00:09:18,517 --> 00:09:20,420 Fronts? Backs? Wets? Drys? 204 00:09:20,420 --> 00:09:22,825 Ah. Well, I am gonna run out of this room now 205 00:09:22,825 --> 00:09:25,964 and leave a comedically- shaped hole in the wall. 206 00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:27,969 That was already there 207 00:09:27,969 --> 00:09:29,805 from Dad's drunk driving accident. 208 00:09:29,805 --> 00:09:31,876 Nope! Running from farts! 209 00:09:35,818 --> 00:09:38,389 Man, Meg being pregnant is almost as bad 210 00:09:38,489 --> 00:09:39,992 as when that other lady was pregnant. 211 00:09:40,092 --> 00:09:42,732 'Member? The lady with the loose baked-eggs rack? 212 00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:44,836 - 'Member her? - Peter, that was me. 213 00:09:44,836 --> 00:09:46,806 And no way was I worse than this. 214 00:09:46,806 --> 00:09:48,810 Well, maybe this'll turn out better than you think, 215 00:09:48,810 --> 00:09:52,283 like eating edible underwear in non-sexual situations. 216 00:09:52,283 --> 00:09:55,825 I can't believe you chose this for your last meal. 217 00:09:55,925 --> 00:09:58,597 Well, I guess we're both "shocked" today. 218 00:09:58,597 --> 00:10:01,770 Okay, fellas, light me up. 219 00:10:01,903 --> 00:10:03,874 You know what, he's funny. 220 00:10:03,874 --> 00:10:06,112 Now I see why our daughter got in that van. 221 00:10:06,212 --> 00:10:09,251 Yibba yabba yoo! 222 00:10:09,251 --> 00:10:10,888 Well, maybe you're right. 223 00:10:10,988 --> 00:10:12,992 I'm just glad this day's finally over. 224 00:10:12,992 --> 00:10:15,129 - Night, Peter. - Night, Lois. 225 00:10:16,299 --> 00:10:18,570 Mom! Dad! 226 00:10:18,570 --> 00:10:20,073 Just ignore her. 227 00:10:20,173 --> 00:10:21,843 She'll tire herself out. 228 00:10:21,843 --> 00:10:23,581 Dad! Mom! 229 00:10:23,581 --> 00:10:24,950 Please! 230 00:10:24,950 --> 00:10:26,953 Lois. The daughter's crying. 231 00:10:26,953 --> 00:10:28,758 I'm super wide awake 232 00:10:28,758 --> 00:10:30,895 and I want to eat something really rank. 233 00:10:30,895 --> 00:10:32,532 Lois, did you hear that? 234 00:10:35,704 --> 00:10:37,942 Okay. I guess I got this one. 235 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:46,058 Papa John, I'm sorry to bother you, 236 00:10:46,058 --> 00:10:48,062 but my pregnant daughter asked that I bring her 237 00:10:48,062 --> 00:10:50,601 the worst pizza ever, and yours is that. 238 00:10:50,701 --> 00:10:52,805 You think we're worse than Lunchables? 239 00:10:52,805 --> 00:10:54,208 - Yes. - 7-Eleven? 240 00:10:54,308 --> 00:10:56,078 Look, my friend, my friend, my friend. 241 00:10:56,178 --> 00:10:58,482 It's late, we've done our research. 242 00:10:58,583 --> 00:11:00,087 The sauce, the bread, the toppings, 243 00:11:00,187 --> 00:11:02,157 the way it's cooked, the people cooking it, 244 00:11:02,257 --> 00:11:04,428 the way it tastes like the box it comes in. 245 00:11:04,529 --> 00:11:06,365 It's really, really the worst. 246 00:11:06,365 --> 00:11:08,870 I mean, you even make butter dipping sauce terrible. 247 00:11:08,870 --> 00:11:11,643 Well, do you want the butter sauce with the pizza or not? 248 00:11:11,743 --> 00:11:14,080 Yeah, no, give me a bunch of everything. 249 00:11:18,691 --> 00:11:20,628 What do you want, Chris? 250 00:11:20,628 --> 00:11:22,931 - Is it pump time yet? - Why do you care? 251 00:11:22,931 --> 00:11:26,104 Meg, I'm a member of a very specific dark web Internet site. 252 00:11:26,104 --> 00:11:27,675 Don't try to find it, you won't be able to. 253 00:11:27,809 --> 00:11:30,548 But this would be fairly monumental there. 254 00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:32,685 Mom, Chris is being disgusting. 255 00:11:32,685 --> 00:11:34,656 So are you. We're all disgusting. 256 00:11:34,656 --> 00:11:36,860 That's what family is. 257 00:11:36,860 --> 00:11:38,864 I knew this was a bad idea. 258 00:11:38,864 --> 00:11:40,400 Yeah, marriage blows. 259 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,137 No, I mean Meg's pregnancy. 260 00:11:42,237 --> 00:11:44,041 I wish we could just fast-forward through 261 00:11:44,041 --> 00:11:45,845 the next couple of months until she gives birth 262 00:11:45,945 --> 00:11:48,148 and this whole thing blows over. 263 00:11:50,955 --> 00:11:54,261 Well, team, I tried meth. 264 00:11:56,399 --> 00:11:59,204 All right, guys, looks like I'm really liking meth. 265 00:12:01,242 --> 00:12:03,046 Hey, guys, I need money. 266 00:12:03,146 --> 00:12:05,349 Like, now. Like, yesterday! Like, now! 267 00:12:08,422 --> 00:12:10,126 Hi, Peter, my name is Marcus. 268 00:12:10,126 --> 00:12:11,896 Your family has written some letters 269 00:12:11,996 --> 00:12:13,399 they'd like to read to you. 270 00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:15,369 You liars! 271 00:12:20,948 --> 00:12:23,085 Weird Easter this year. 272 00:12:25,390 --> 00:12:26,860 Dad, you're back! 273 00:12:26,860 --> 00:12:28,798 Ah, we missed you so much. 274 00:12:28,798 --> 00:12:30,300 Ah, I missed you guys. 275 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:32,370 Meth was great, but I guess it's bad. 276 00:12:32,370 --> 00:12:34,307 I don't know, I'm not really sold on that yet. 277 00:12:34,307 --> 00:12:35,677 We're proud of you, Peter. 278 00:12:35,677 --> 00:12:39,117 Uh, guys? I think my water just broke. 279 00:12:39,117 --> 00:12:41,321 Oh, right, I forgot we were doing that. 280 00:12:45,396 --> 00:12:48,102 Well, I see nobody brought me a doctor gift. 281 00:12:48,202 --> 00:12:50,173 That's fine, you still have a year. 282 00:12:50,173 --> 00:12:52,612 Meg, I'm just going to check the contractions. 283 00:12:52,612 --> 00:12:54,447 "Should've, would've, hadn't, 284 00:12:54,582 --> 00:12:57,655 ma'am, 'twas." Oh, they're getting closer together. 285 00:12:57,655 --> 00:13:00,060 It's coming! It's coming! 286 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:02,397 Okay, we're out of gloves, so I'm gonna catch it 287 00:13:02,497 --> 00:13:04,034 with this Panda Express bag. 288 00:13:04,034 --> 00:13:05,671 Are you sure this is safe? 289 00:13:05,771 --> 00:13:07,373 Oh, yeah, Panda bags are medical-grade. 290 00:13:07,473 --> 00:13:08,910 Just never use a Subway bag. 291 00:13:08,910 --> 00:13:10,781 I've had, like, four go right through. 292 00:13:10,881 --> 00:13:12,785 Uhp, it's in the bag already. 293 00:13:12,785 --> 00:13:14,288 It's a girl. 294 00:13:14,288 --> 00:13:16,158 What's that big ol' vine coming out? 295 00:13:16,158 --> 00:13:19,130 She looks like one of them pumpkins in Cinderella. 296 00:13:23,540 --> 00:13:25,476 She... 297 00:13:25,476 --> 00:13:27,380 she's beautiful. 298 00:13:30,621 --> 00:13:32,390 Ooh, that's awful loud. 299 00:13:32,390 --> 00:13:35,296 Yeah, that's a pee-poo-mix cry if I ever heard one. 300 00:13:35,296 --> 00:13:37,835 And it'll be a weird poo, that first one, trust me. 301 00:13:37,935 --> 00:13:39,639 You-you know that volcano in Hawaii 302 00:13:39,639 --> 00:13:42,477 where the lava just slowly rolls through people's yards? 303 00:13:42,477 --> 00:13:44,081 It's like that, only poo. 304 00:13:44,081 --> 00:13:47,220 That does sound like a lot to deal with. 305 00:13:47,321 --> 00:13:50,528 So, do you clean that up with, like, Kleenex and Febreezes? 306 00:13:50,528 --> 00:13:53,399 You know what, why don't I take the first shift? 307 00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:56,673 Well, it would give us a chance to finish doo-dadding her room. 308 00:13:56,673 --> 00:13:58,242 And we have to buy every product 309 00:13:58,342 --> 00:14:01,081 of known baby expert Jessica Alba. 310 00:14:01,081 --> 00:14:03,587 Well, sounds like you guys have a lot to talk about. 311 00:14:03,687 --> 00:14:05,824 Thanks, Meg. We'll text you tomorrow. 312 00:14:05,958 --> 00:14:09,330 Welcome to the world, little Liza Judy Barbra. 313 00:14:11,134 --> 00:14:13,239 All right, sush time for Meg. 314 00:14:13,239 --> 00:14:15,443 I know you want some hospital sush. 315 00:14:15,443 --> 00:14:18,015 No? Dad? Sush? Pepsi Max? 316 00:14:18,015 --> 00:14:20,086 Ma? Diet Max? Sush? 317 00:14:20,086 --> 00:14:22,758 Chris? Max? Code Red? Sush? 318 00:14:22,758 --> 00:14:25,531 No? Well, I'm getting some sush and a Max. 319 00:14:25,631 --> 00:14:27,300 I'll be at the cafeteria. 320 00:14:28,537 --> 00:14:30,206 Don't get the sush, guys. 321 00:14:40,794 --> 00:14:43,165 Okay, okay, Liza Judy Barbra. 322 00:14:43,165 --> 00:14:46,573 It's time for the bottle because I forgot to tweeze my nips. 323 00:14:48,308 --> 00:14:51,382 This is getting ridiculous. It's been three days. 324 00:14:51,382 --> 00:14:54,254 Why haven't Bruce and Jeffrey picked up their baby? 325 00:14:54,254 --> 00:14:57,060 I don't know. They're, like, super busy. 326 00:14:57,060 --> 00:14:58,830 Hey, look at the bright side, Lois. 327 00:14:58,931 --> 00:15:00,066 With that baby around, you look like 328 00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:01,636 the hottest grandma in town. 329 00:15:01,736 --> 00:15:03,673 The hottest grandma? 330 00:15:03,773 --> 00:15:05,811 The-the hottest grandma? 331 00:15:08,650 --> 00:15:10,487 The hottest grandma! 332 00:15:10,621 --> 00:15:13,493 Ha-ha! Well, I mean, okay. 333 00:15:13,594 --> 00:15:15,898 The hottest grandma should be Jennifer Aniston, 334 00:15:15,998 --> 00:15:18,469 but the Counting Crows guy wasn't ready to commit. 335 00:15:18,570 --> 00:15:21,709 Poor bastard thought it was gonna be an endless run. 336 00:15:25,149 --> 00:15:26,853 That was Bruce and Jeffrey. 337 00:15:26,853 --> 00:15:30,293 They're not coming to get Liza Judy Barbra until tomorrow now. 338 00:15:30,393 --> 00:15:31,896 Ugh. Why not? 339 00:15:31,996 --> 00:15:34,067 Not that you guys care about this sort of thing, 340 00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:36,238 but Jeffrey wrote a murder mystery that premieres 341 00:15:36,238 --> 00:15:39,077 tonight at the Cracker Barrel in Sturbridge. 342 00:15:39,912 --> 00:15:41,081 Oh, no! 343 00:15:41,081 --> 00:15:43,520 Yeah, but if you's got to go... 344 00:15:49,598 --> 00:15:52,971 I made this a cutaway so I could see the show. 345 00:15:55,511 --> 00:15:57,380 Peekaboo! 346 00:16:07,433 --> 00:16:10,339 Yeah, yeah, it's hard to laugh without farting. 347 00:16:10,339 --> 00:16:13,145 Feels like you and me are on the same page about a lot of stuff. 348 00:16:13,245 --> 00:16:16,720 We work well together, like the employees at T.J. Maxx. 349 00:16:16,820 --> 00:16:18,322 Hey, where should I put these? 350 00:16:18,322 --> 00:16:20,326 Just throw them on the floor and step on them. 351 00:16:20,326 --> 00:16:22,598 That's our founder's motto. 352 00:16:23,399 --> 00:16:25,838 T.J. Maxx. Teach your kids to drive 353 00:16:25,838 --> 00:16:27,708 in our empty parking lot. 354 00:16:32,718 --> 00:16:34,388 Guys, look. 355 00:16:34,388 --> 00:16:37,127 Look at me. Now that I'm a hot grandma, 356 00:16:37,127 --> 00:16:39,298 I bought one of those novelty wine glasses 357 00:16:39,298 --> 00:16:41,970 that's big enough to hold an entire bottle of wine. 358 00:16:41,970 --> 00:16:44,340 Isn't that hilarious? 359 00:16:45,811 --> 00:16:47,681 It's okay. 360 00:16:47,681 --> 00:16:49,217 That was worth it for the joke. 361 00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:50,621 You did good, Lois. 362 00:16:50,621 --> 00:16:52,290 You're building a comedic voice. 363 00:16:52,290 --> 00:16:56,031 Okay. Here we go, Liza Judy Barbra. 364 00:16:56,131 --> 00:16:59,103 Your first strained peas. 365 00:17:01,074 --> 00:17:03,378 Wow, she is the most memorable 366 00:17:03,378 --> 00:17:06,118 and endearing baby I've ever seen. 367 00:17:06,118 --> 00:17:08,322 Okay, then. 368 00:17:10,259 --> 00:17:12,565 Oh, I'm sorry, are you... are you almost done? 369 00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:15,002 Oh, yeah, no, sorry, I'm just, I'm doing sets. 370 00:17:15,002 --> 00:17:17,440 - I'm just doing little sets. - Oh, cool, cool. 371 00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:19,311 - Guys, he's doing little sets. - Cool, cool. 372 00:17:19,411 --> 00:17:20,881 - Little sets. - Cool, cool. 373 00:17:20,881 --> 00:17:22,685 Meg, I am so impressed. 374 00:17:22,685 --> 00:17:25,023 Yeah, I had no idea you could be so maternal. 375 00:17:25,123 --> 00:17:27,695 I always saw you as a "drive into the lake" mom. 376 00:17:27,695 --> 00:17:29,030 So did I, Mom. 377 00:17:29,164 --> 00:17:32,203 But, honestly, since Liza Judy Barbra was born, 378 00:17:32,303 --> 00:17:35,877 I feel like my life has purpose for the first time. 379 00:17:35,977 --> 00:17:37,280 Knock-knock. 380 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,151 I know this may be not a good time, 381 00:17:39,151 --> 00:17:41,255 but we just had to come see our little angel. 382 00:17:41,255 --> 00:17:42,925 "Had to come see"? 383 00:17:42,925 --> 00:17:44,261 Where have you two been? 384 00:17:44,261 --> 00:17:46,398 Watching Mamma Mia and making popovers. 385 00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:48,202 What is wrong with you two? 386 00:17:48,302 --> 00:17:50,073 How irresponsible can you be? 387 00:17:50,073 --> 00:17:52,243 I mean, this is your daughter you abandoned. 388 00:17:52,243 --> 00:17:54,481 Abandoned? We wanted to come over, 389 00:17:54,481 --> 00:17:56,820 but Meg kept saying it was a bad time. 390 00:17:56,820 --> 00:17:59,357 Meg, is that true? 391 00:18:03,132 --> 00:18:06,071 This baby needs me. 392 00:18:06,204 --> 00:18:09,044 It's the first living thing that's ever needed me. 393 00:18:09,044 --> 00:18:11,683 For once, my life has purpose. 394 00:18:11,683 --> 00:18:13,119 And I'm good at this. 395 00:18:13,219 --> 00:18:14,955 Better than these two, anyway. 396 00:18:15,056 --> 00:18:16,491 Maybe she's right. 397 00:18:16,592 --> 00:18:19,030 What businesses do we have raising a child? 398 00:18:19,130 --> 00:18:21,468 And how's is we supposed to pay for her school? 399 00:18:21,468 --> 00:18:23,673 With our Tesla and cashmere money? 400 00:18:23,774 --> 00:18:25,076 I don't think so. 401 00:18:25,076 --> 00:18:27,681 We could dip into our boozy brunch fund. 402 00:18:27,815 --> 00:18:28,983 Don't you dare. 403 00:18:29,084 --> 00:18:30,420 Oh, listen to me. 404 00:18:30,420 --> 00:18:33,226 I wouldn't know how to raise a baby. 405 00:18:33,326 --> 00:18:36,431 I'm sure she knows that, too. 406 00:18:39,939 --> 00:18:41,108 Gaga. 407 00:18:41,208 --> 00:18:42,745 Gaga? 408 00:18:42,845 --> 00:18:44,114 Bruce, did you hear that? 409 00:18:44,114 --> 00:18:46,619 She said her first gay icon. 410 00:18:46,619 --> 00:18:47,722 Jeanne Tripplehorn. 411 00:18:47,722 --> 00:18:51,228 Oh, my God, a second, lesser-known gay icon. 412 00:18:51,228 --> 00:18:52,998 She wants her daddies. 413 00:18:52,998 --> 00:18:54,434 Meg, I'm sorry. 414 00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:57,274 I know we're not perfect, but no parent is. 415 00:18:57,274 --> 00:18:59,010 And this is our child. 416 00:18:59,110 --> 00:19:00,112 She belongs with us. 417 00:19:00,212 --> 00:19:03,252 But you don't know anything about raising a child. 418 00:19:03,252 --> 00:19:04,321 No one does. 419 00:19:04,321 --> 00:19:07,059 That's why two out of three don't turn out right. 420 00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:09,398 But that doesn't mean you don't try. 421 00:19:14,508 --> 00:19:17,848 Meg, we'll always appreciate what you've done for us. 422 00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:21,288 And you'll always be a part of Liza Judy Barbra's life. 423 00:19:21,421 --> 00:19:24,695 Yeah. You'll always be that slightly creepy teen 424 00:19:24,795 --> 00:19:28,168 who birthed our baby and then we gradually lost touch with. 425 00:19:28,302 --> 00:19:29,972 You better promise. 426 00:19:29,972 --> 00:19:31,509 - We do. - We do. 427 00:19:31,609 --> 00:19:33,445 In that case... 428 00:19:35,249 --> 00:19:37,955 ...I'll take a chance on you. 429 00:19:38,055 --> 00:19:39,692 ♪ If you're all alone ♪ 430 00:19:39,692 --> 00:19:41,963 ♪ When the pretty birds have flown... ♪ 431 00:19:41,963 --> 00:19:45,403 - No! - That can't be the first time our baby hears ABBA. 432 00:19:45,403 --> 00:19:48,209 That's right. It should be at a jockstrap foam rave 433 00:19:48,209 --> 00:19:50,079 in Miami Beach, same as me. 434 00:19:50,179 --> 00:19:51,749 What? Wait! 435 00:19:51,849 --> 00:19:53,586 But-but I'm the hot grandma! 436 00:19:53,586 --> 00:19:55,924 You're a grandma? 437 00:19:55,924 --> 00:19:58,061 You look amazing! 438 00:19:58,061 --> 00:20:00,166 Oh, you. Come on. 439 00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:02,504 Could a grandma wear this to a spin class? 440 00:20:02,604 --> 00:20:05,275 I mean, yes, she could, because I did, 441 00:20:05,376 --> 00:20:07,146 so that happened. 442 00:20:07,146 --> 00:20:08,182 Thank you, Meg. 443 00:20:08,315 --> 00:20:09,885 You've completed our family. 444 00:20:09,885 --> 00:20:13,225 We have our baby and we have you. 445 00:20:13,325 --> 00:20:14,562 Well, I guess that means 446 00:20:14,562 --> 00:20:16,966 I can get rid of all my hot grandma merch. 447 00:20:17,066 --> 00:20:19,237 I'll just donate it to Goodwill. 448 00:20:19,337 --> 00:20:21,408 You know what "GILF" means, right? 449 00:20:21,408 --> 00:20:23,947 Yeah. "God, I Love Fentanyl." 450 00:20:24,081 --> 00:20:25,617 You said it, pal. 451 00:20:31,395 --> 00:20:33,332 Well, Bruce and Jeffrey, I got to say, 452 00:20:33,332 --> 00:20:34,969 you two have really stepped up 453 00:20:34,969 --> 00:20:36,973 to become a couple of great dads. 454 00:20:37,073 --> 00:20:38,042 Thank you, Lois. 455 00:20:38,042 --> 00:20:39,344 You sound a bit surprised, 456 00:20:39,344 --> 00:20:41,850 which seems right for a woman with that haircut, 457 00:20:41,850 --> 00:20:44,187 but you're sweet to say so. 458 00:20:44,187 --> 00:20:46,090 Uh-oh. 459 00:20:46,191 --> 00:20:48,596 Someone's being a little fussy britches. 460 00:20:48,596 --> 00:20:49,699 Oh, she's tired. 461 00:20:49,699 --> 00:20:52,069 You get the lights and I'll sing her to sleep. 462 00:20:58,883 --> 00:21:01,623 Yeah, that seems about right for a guy with that haircut. 463 00:21:01,623 --> 00:21:03,826 Thank you, Peter.