1 00:00:01,504 --> 00:00:04,442 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,442 --> 00:00:07,649 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,649 --> 00:00:11,356 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,356 --> 00:00:14,328 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,328 --> 00:00:17,769 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,769 --> 00:00:21,209 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,209 --> 00:00:22,879 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,879 --> 00:00:24,182 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,182 --> 00:00:29,425 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ♪ 10 00:00:36,540 --> 00:00:39,011 Hey, Meg, what's with the cupcakes? 11 00:00:39,011 --> 00:00:40,280 I'm celebrating. 12 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:41,950 Oh, last night I had my period 13 00:00:41,950 --> 00:00:44,088 or miscarriage. Not sure which. 14 00:00:44,088 --> 00:00:46,560 Either way, happy un-birthday. 15 00:00:50,935 --> 00:00:53,306 Where's my phone? I got to text Patty 16 00:00:53,306 --> 00:00:55,110 and let her know she can have half of these 17 00:00:55,110 --> 00:00:56,613 for her cat's funeral. 18 00:00:58,182 --> 00:01:00,153 Coltrane's wake is gonna be lit. 19 00:01:00,153 --> 00:01:03,226 Pics to follow. 20 00:01:04,228 --> 00:01:06,633 What the hell? What happened? 21 00:01:10,675 --> 00:01:13,179 Hey, Meg, no turkey dinner is complete 22 00:01:13,179 --> 00:01:16,185 without a little under-nut squash. 23 00:01:18,891 --> 00:01:21,095 What a jerk. 24 00:01:25,337 --> 00:01:28,009 Oh, well. Time to go transport a Texas resident 25 00:01:28,009 --> 00:01:29,846 to her reproductive health appointment. 26 00:01:37,261 --> 00:01:38,998 Okay, Brian, let's play another round 27 00:01:38,998 --> 00:01:41,269 of my favorite game: read Lois' mail 28 00:01:41,269 --> 00:01:43,206 and laugh at her sad life. 29 00:01:43,206 --> 00:01:45,410 Uhp, fall Lane Bryant catalog. 30 00:01:45,410 --> 00:01:47,448 Looks like we'll be getting some cranberry pants 31 00:01:47,448 --> 00:01:48,851 in the mail. 32 00:01:48,851 --> 00:01:50,353 "Fertility Bank of New England." 33 00:01:50,353 --> 00:01:52,157 Oh, this one I've got to see. 34 00:01:52,157 --> 00:01:54,763 "Dear Lois Pewterschmidt, thank you again 35 00:01:54,763 --> 00:01:58,537 "for your compensated donation of ten eggs in 1997. 36 00:01:58,537 --> 00:02:01,643 "This letter is to inform you that the nine remaining eggs 37 00:02:01,643 --> 00:02:03,981 have been destroyed for lack of interest." 38 00:02:03,981 --> 00:02:05,184 What? Let me see that. 39 00:02:05,184 --> 00:02:06,654 Oh, this is so perfect. 40 00:02:06,654 --> 00:02:09,458 The old slag literally sold her body for money. 41 00:02:09,458 --> 00:02:11,196 All right, let's not judge her. 42 00:02:11,196 --> 00:02:12,766 She was trying to earn a little extra money in college 43 00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:14,602 and I wonder what human eggs taste like. 44 00:02:14,602 --> 00:02:16,740 Wait a second. 45 00:02:16,740 --> 00:02:18,410 The nine remaining eggs? 46 00:02:18,410 --> 00:02:20,515 Lois donated ten eggs. 47 00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:22,218 If there were nine remaining, that means 48 00:02:22,218 --> 00:02:23,821 one of them was used? 49 00:02:23,821 --> 00:02:26,259 Hate how much I want to try human eggs right now. 50 00:02:26,259 --> 00:02:29,031 Brian, listen: I have a lost half-sibling. 51 00:02:29,031 --> 00:02:31,402 He or she is just out there someplace. 52 00:02:31,402 --> 00:02:33,641 Why, I haven't been this shocked since Chris showed me 53 00:02:33,641 --> 00:02:34,676 his jack-in-the-box. 54 00:02:34,676 --> 00:02:37,682 Chris, what did you do to this box? 55 00:02:37,682 --> 00:02:40,755 It's not called a "jack elsewhere." 56 00:02:44,897 --> 00:02:46,633 Oh, it's Master. Here, Master. 57 00:02:46,633 --> 00:02:49,405 Master may change the TV to a channel that pleases her. 58 00:02:49,405 --> 00:02:51,208 Uh, what's going on? 59 00:02:51,208 --> 00:02:53,212 Master's latest social media post 60 00:02:53,212 --> 00:02:54,816 has become popular on the Internet, 61 00:02:54,816 --> 00:02:56,820 so now Master rules the family. 62 00:02:56,820 --> 00:02:57,955 What are you talking about? 63 00:02:59,626 --> 00:03:00,661 Oh, my God! 64 00:03:02,566 --> 00:03:05,605 This cupcake video got 20,000 likes. 65 00:03:05,605 --> 00:03:08,744 Only likes matter. Likes rule all. 66 00:03:08,744 --> 00:03:11,483 Wow, look at all these comments. People are saying 67 00:03:11,483 --> 00:03:14,556 I should get Chris a FansOnly page. What's FansOnly? 68 00:03:14,556 --> 00:03:18,129 It's a fetish website where amateurs post racy videos 69 00:03:18,129 --> 00:03:20,000 that subscribers pay to see. 70 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,539 Wait, people would pay money 71 00:03:22,539 --> 00:03:24,977 to watch a husky teen sit on food? 72 00:03:24,977 --> 00:03:27,648 Oh, yeah. Very much so. 73 00:03:32,191 --> 00:03:34,897 Um, would you be interested? 74 00:03:34,897 --> 00:03:36,198 I could set everything up 75 00:03:36,198 --> 00:03:37,301 and handle the administrative side. 76 00:03:37,301 --> 00:03:40,473 You could just sit on stuff. We'd split the profits. 77 00:03:40,473 --> 00:03:42,011 You think you're the first person 78 00:03:42,011 --> 00:03:44,181 to pitch me a crush fetish website? 79 00:03:44,181 --> 00:03:46,453 Go get a business plan, some seed capital 80 00:03:46,453 --> 00:03:48,489 and an S-Corp registered in the state of Delaware 81 00:03:48,489 --> 00:03:51,229 and then maybe we'll talk. 82 00:03:51,229 --> 00:03:54,301 ♪ Not everything has to be ♪ 83 00:03:54,301 --> 00:03:56,540 ♪ A montage ♪ 84 00:03:56,540 --> 00:03:59,947 ♪ Meg filling out a bunch of forms ♪ 85 00:03:59,947 --> 00:04:02,952 ♪ Is not very interesting ♪ 86 00:04:02,952 --> 00:04:04,856 ♪ But the guy who drew this ♪ 87 00:04:04,856 --> 00:04:07,060 ♪ Worked very hard ♪ 88 00:04:07,060 --> 00:04:08,531 ♪ So we don't have the heart ♪ 89 00:04:08,531 --> 00:04:10,300 ♪ To cut it now ♪ 90 00:04:11,102 --> 00:04:12,605 ♪ Especially since that guy ♪ 91 00:04:12,605 --> 00:04:15,443 ♪ Recently lost custody ♪ 92 00:04:15,443 --> 00:04:19,252 ♪ Of his children. ♪ 93 00:04:19,252 --> 00:04:21,590 I'm in. 94 00:04:25,531 --> 00:04:27,702 Rupert, I can't stop thinking about the fact 95 00:04:27,702 --> 00:04:29,740 that I've got a sibling out there someplace. 96 00:04:29,740 --> 00:04:31,677 So, today I will hack into the world's 97 00:04:31,677 --> 00:04:33,714 most sophisticated surveillance networks, 98 00:04:33,714 --> 00:04:35,752 scan for Pewterschmidt DNA markers 99 00:04:35,752 --> 00:04:38,156 from Lois' donated egg, locate my comrade, 100 00:04:38,156 --> 00:04:40,995 and together, we shall be unstopa-- 101 00:04:42,131 --> 00:04:45,404 Stewie! Tell Mommy that Daddy fell! 102 00:04:49,111 --> 00:04:51,048 Aha. We have a match. 103 00:04:52,519 --> 00:04:54,288 In Cambridge, Massachusetts. 104 00:04:54,288 --> 00:04:56,660 Of course. Someone sharing my DNA 105 00:04:56,660 --> 00:04:59,900 may well be a scholar at Harvard or MIT. 106 00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:01,001 Or Tufts. 107 00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:05,177 Oh, come on, the SAT is not biased against bears. 108 00:05:05,177 --> 00:05:07,181 Jewish bears? You're Jewish? 109 00:05:07,181 --> 00:05:08,784 No, it's fine, it's just... 110 00:05:08,784 --> 00:05:10,855 it's just the kind of thing you tell someone. 111 00:05:21,442 --> 00:05:22,879 Supposedly, one of these eggheads 112 00:05:22,879 --> 00:05:25,785 is my brother or sister, Rupert. But which one? 113 00:05:25,785 --> 00:05:27,722 And how will we find each other? 114 00:05:27,722 --> 00:05:30,027 Perhaps we share mannerisms. 115 00:05:30,027 --> 00:05:32,498 Hey, "Damn you all." Yeah? 116 00:05:32,498 --> 00:05:35,370 "Curse you, vile woman." Am I right? 117 00:05:35,370 --> 00:05:38,343 "Victory shall be mine"? You know? Anything? 118 00:05:38,343 --> 00:05:40,013 That was big in the '90s. 119 00:05:40,013 --> 00:05:41,750 I don't understand. 120 00:05:41,750 --> 00:05:44,656 My genius Harvard sibling should be right here. 121 00:05:46,893 --> 00:05:49,331 Eat my wizz, you Harvard fruit bags. 122 00:05:53,172 --> 00:05:55,110 Oh, my God, that must be him. 123 00:05:55,110 --> 00:05:56,279 And, hey, don't do that. 124 00:05:56,279 --> 00:05:57,783 Harvard is a respected institution 125 00:05:57,783 --> 00:05:59,953 that only produces our nation's finest. 126 00:05:59,953 --> 00:06:03,660 ♪ The boys are back in town, the boys are back in town ♪ 127 00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:09,404 ♪ I said the boys are back in town. ♪ 128 00:06:09,404 --> 00:06:10,941 Our apologies to the Unabomber. 129 00:06:10,941 --> 00:06:12,477 It was a cheap shot to include him. 130 00:06:18,957 --> 00:06:21,195 So you and me got some of the same DNA 131 00:06:21,195 --> 00:06:22,932 on account of your mom sold off 132 00:06:22,932 --> 00:06:23,767 her inside parts? 133 00:06:23,767 --> 00:06:26,272 - Dude, that's bizarre. - Mm, quite. 134 00:06:26,272 --> 00:06:28,076 Yeah, my mom didn't like how I came out, 135 00:06:28,076 --> 00:06:29,345 so she left me in an orphanage, 136 00:06:29,345 --> 00:06:30,915 but nobody was adopting me, so screw that. 137 00:06:30,915 --> 00:06:32,952 Got out of there, moved under the Fenway stands. 138 00:06:32,952 --> 00:06:34,923 I survive on racist bleacher farts. 139 00:06:34,923 --> 00:06:36,627 That's great. Now, I don't suppose you have 140 00:06:36,627 --> 00:06:38,462 a hidden cache of advanced weaponry 141 00:06:38,462 --> 00:06:40,200 and plans for global conquest? 142 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:41,468 Nah, but you know what I do got? 143 00:06:41,468 --> 00:06:43,941 A list of five movies that I cry at the end of. 144 00:06:43,941 --> 00:06:45,443 Number one, Braveheart. 145 00:06:45,443 --> 00:06:47,548 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah, that one gets me. 146 00:06:47,548 --> 00:06:48,751 That gets me. 147 00:06:48,751 --> 00:06:50,521 Uh, number two, Scarface, I cry. 148 00:06:50,521 --> 00:06:52,725 Guy builds up the whole empire and just dies, right? 149 00:06:52,725 --> 00:06:54,662 Uh, number three, Dodgeball. 150 00:06:54,662 --> 00:06:56,800 Everybody looks past those guys. Nobody believed in 'em. 151 00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:57,835 Couldn't catch for nothing. 152 00:06:57,935 --> 00:07:00,608 I tell you, Justin Long-- he couldn't catch a cold 153 00:07:00,608 --> 00:07:02,979 and still they win the thing, you know? Here I go. 154 00:07:09,024 --> 00:07:11,495 Camera's rolling. You can go when you're ready. 155 00:07:11,495 --> 00:07:14,034 Welcome, FansOnly subscribers. 156 00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:17,274 My dad fell in the shower, so we kinda need the money. 157 00:07:18,409 --> 00:07:20,414 Ah. Thank you. 158 00:07:20,414 --> 00:07:22,451 Wow. That was great. 159 00:07:22,451 --> 00:07:24,789 - How was that for you? - It was amazing. 160 00:07:24,789 --> 00:07:27,762 We just created art in front of our fans. 161 00:07:27,762 --> 00:07:30,234 I wonder if this is how French pointillist painter 162 00:07:30,234 --> 00:07:32,037 Georges Seurat felt. 163 00:07:32,037 --> 00:07:34,876 Oh... 164 00:07:34,876 --> 00:07:36,914 Yeah! 165 00:07:36,914 --> 00:07:40,086 Oh... 166 00:07:40,086 --> 00:07:41,422 Yeah! 167 00:07:41,422 --> 00:07:43,092 No way. Orange. 168 00:07:43,092 --> 00:07:44,361 Orange, you guys. 169 00:07:44,361 --> 00:07:47,000 Oh... 170 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,038 Yeah! 171 00:07:49,038 --> 00:07:50,373 Seurat! Seurat! Seurat! 172 00:07:50,373 --> 00:07:52,546 What did I miss? Were the dots tiny? 173 00:07:52,546 --> 00:07:54,782 Oh, my God, so tiny. 174 00:07:57,588 --> 00:07:59,258 All right, here's my house. See? 175 00:07:59,258 --> 00:08:00,393 Anyway, it's been nice to meet you, 176 00:08:00,393 --> 00:08:01,563 but I'm very busy today. 177 00:08:01,563 --> 00:08:03,299 No way. How come your house ain't attached 178 00:08:03,299 --> 00:08:04,769 to two other houses on either side? 179 00:08:04,769 --> 00:08:06,338 There can be just one house? 180 00:08:06,338 --> 00:08:07,474 Um, I guess. 181 00:08:07,474 --> 00:08:08,710 And where's your American flag 182 00:08:08,710 --> 00:08:10,246 but with blue stripes for cops? 183 00:08:10,246 --> 00:08:11,349 I don't know, man, but listen, 184 00:08:11,349 --> 00:08:12,852 you can stay for just a few minutes. 185 00:08:12,852 --> 00:08:14,556 No way, you got crazy straws? 186 00:08:14,556 --> 00:08:16,025 No, no, no, those are the fat man's. 187 00:08:16,025 --> 00:08:18,797 He likes to pretend his juice is on a roller coaster. 188 00:08:18,797 --> 00:08:20,601 I don't care, I'm using one. 189 00:08:20,601 --> 00:08:22,505 All right, Capri Suns, 190 00:08:22,505 --> 00:08:25,376 who's ready to ride Thunder Mountain? 191 00:08:26,078 --> 00:08:28,049 Stewie, what the hell are you doing? 192 00:08:28,049 --> 00:08:30,486 You know the crazy straws are only for Daddy. 193 00:08:30,486 --> 00:08:32,525 - Up yours, old man. - That's it. 194 00:08:32,525 --> 00:08:34,261 I'd give you the belt, but I wore 195 00:08:34,261 --> 00:08:35,898 a 1990s braided belt today, 196 00:08:35,898 --> 00:08:38,503 and I like how it makes me look like Blossom's dad. 197 00:08:38,503 --> 00:08:39,906 Yeah? How about I give you the belt? 198 00:08:39,906 --> 00:08:41,809 - Aah! Stop it! You're hurting me. - Yeah, take that. 199 00:08:41,809 --> 00:08:44,014 I'll drink out of any straw I want, you piece of crap. 200 00:08:44,014 --> 00:08:45,651 - You hear me? - I need that belt. 201 00:08:45,651 --> 00:08:48,122 I'm taking my LinkedIn photo later. 202 00:08:51,162 --> 00:08:53,299 Hmm. Turns out this thug 203 00:08:53,299 --> 00:08:54,869 may actually be useful to me. 204 00:08:54,869 --> 00:08:56,105 Well, isn't that a surprise? 205 00:08:56,105 --> 00:08:58,877 Like the Japanese attack on David Harbour. 206 00:08:59,713 --> 00:09:01,783 Hi, Kenji Mifune, Tokyo Daily. 207 00:09:01,783 --> 00:09:05,156 Why do you always look like you just woke up in a dumpster? 208 00:09:09,565 --> 00:09:11,435 All right, Rupert, time to make use 209 00:09:11,435 --> 00:09:13,439 of that crude Boston body double. 210 00:09:13,439 --> 00:09:14,442 Here we go. 211 00:09:14,442 --> 00:09:16,212 Lois, I'd like to request 212 00:09:16,212 --> 00:09:17,548 a later bedtime, please. 213 00:09:17,548 --> 00:09:19,151 I'm a big boy now, and I think 214 00:09:19,151 --> 00:09:20,554 I can make it to 6:45. 215 00:09:20,554 --> 00:09:22,390 Go away, Stewie, Mommy's looking at 216 00:09:22,390 --> 00:09:24,295 real estate listings and dreaming of 217 00:09:24,295 --> 00:09:25,731 any life other than this. 218 00:09:25,731 --> 00:09:28,970 I see. All right, then. 219 00:09:37,989 --> 00:09:40,326 Your new bedtime is whenever you [bleep] want. 220 00:09:40,326 --> 00:09:43,934 Splendid! I also have a school-related task for you. 221 00:09:46,740 --> 00:09:49,344 Um, class, I-I know Teacher Jeremy said 222 00:09:49,344 --> 00:09:52,551 everyone would get a turn as classroom Star of the Week, 223 00:09:52,551 --> 00:09:55,223 but new plan. Uh, Stewie will now be 224 00:09:55,223 --> 00:09:56,527 Star of the Week every week. 225 00:09:56,527 --> 00:09:59,932 Also, instead of circle time, we're just gonna watch TV dramas 226 00:09:59,932 --> 00:10:01,703 where Dennis Leary plays a fireman. 227 00:10:01,703 --> 00:10:03,941 That's a pretty smart cookie, that teacher Jeremy. 228 00:10:03,941 --> 00:10:06,780 But right now we're gonna do show and tell. 229 00:10:06,780 --> 00:10:07,915 Who wants to go fir-- 230 00:10:07,915 --> 00:10:09,919 Stewie. Uh, let's do Stewie. 231 00:10:09,919 --> 00:10:12,057 Oh, God, I don't got nothing prepared. 232 00:10:12,057 --> 00:10:13,927 Let me see what I got in my pockets here. 233 00:10:13,927 --> 00:10:16,967 Um, here's a Cumberland Farms reward card. 234 00:10:16,967 --> 00:10:18,870 Shotgun shell full of shark teeth. 235 00:10:18,870 --> 00:10:20,942 Donnie Wahlberg's actual cigar cutter, 236 00:10:20,942 --> 00:10:23,412 key card for my ex-girlfriend's parking garage. 237 00:10:23,412 --> 00:10:24,916 Zippo lighter I got in Cancun. 238 00:10:24,916 --> 00:10:26,152 I friggin' love Cancun. 239 00:10:26,152 --> 00:10:27,254 I don't know why you'd go anywhere else. 240 00:10:27,254 --> 00:10:30,661 Uh, flat, dry condom in case Charlene's ovulating. 241 00:10:30,661 --> 00:10:32,164 Uh, clipping of a newspaper story 242 00:10:32,164 --> 00:10:34,068 where I'm quoted about a house fire. 243 00:10:34,068 --> 00:10:35,938 And a bloody shoe from the Marathon bombing 244 00:10:35,938 --> 00:10:37,708 I keep in a Caldor's bag in my closet. 245 00:10:37,708 --> 00:10:39,277 Any questions? 246 00:10:51,937 --> 00:10:54,542 That's SmushBoy15. He's gross. 247 00:10:54,542 --> 00:10:56,814 He'll sit on anything. He's a sit slut. 248 00:10:56,814 --> 00:10:58,684 He's also really good at hearing the whispers 249 00:10:58,684 --> 00:11:00,286 of nearby diners. 250 00:11:02,726 --> 00:11:04,696 Excuse me, SmushBoy. 251 00:11:04,696 --> 00:11:06,699 I-I'm wondering if you could come over 252 00:11:06,699 --> 00:11:08,235 and sit on my wife's avocado? 253 00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:10,575 Come on, man, I'm out with my family. 254 00:11:10,575 --> 00:11:11,977 You Hollywood celebrities! 255 00:11:11,977 --> 00:11:15,316 Sheesh! Don't meet your heroes, huh? 256 00:11:24,068 --> 00:11:27,908 Okay, everyone, this is another SmushBoy livestream. 257 00:11:27,908 --> 00:11:30,179 Let's try to play nice this time, okay? 258 00:11:30,179 --> 00:11:32,619 Hey, uh, squash that brownie with your knee. 259 00:11:32,619 --> 00:11:34,121 I don't do knee stuff. 260 00:11:34,121 --> 00:11:36,993 I told you guys that from the beginning. Geez. 261 00:11:36,993 --> 00:11:38,263 What the hell, Chris? 262 00:11:38,263 --> 00:11:40,567 You've had a crummy attitude from the moment 263 00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:41,770 you walked in here this morning. 264 00:11:41,770 --> 00:11:43,808 Well, duh. The moment I walk in 265 00:11:43,808 --> 00:11:46,045 you start running new pie designs at me. 266 00:11:46,045 --> 00:11:47,916 What do we do with pie designs, Meg? 267 00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:49,920 Huh? What do we do? 268 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:52,357 - Email them to Tristan. - Email them to Tristan. 269 00:11:52,357 --> 00:11:54,829 Look, I don't like being a broken record here, 270 00:11:54,829 --> 00:11:56,800 but why do we have those Monday meetings 271 00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,371 if nobody's gonna follow the process? 272 00:11:59,371 --> 00:12:03,681 Anyone? Briana? Heath? Hello? 273 00:12:03,681 --> 00:12:04,849 You know what, guys, if you can't start 274 00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:07,956 sorting these things out, I don't see how we can even 275 00:12:07,956 --> 00:12:09,826 do summer Fridays anymore. 276 00:12:09,826 --> 00:12:12,397 Oh, now you're paying attention. 277 00:12:12,397 --> 00:12:14,802 Chris, you can't talk to people like that. 278 00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:16,573 Oh, fine. Then maybe I'll talk like this. 279 00:12:16,573 --> 00:12:18,910 Everyone, I quit! 280 00:12:18,910 --> 00:12:20,915 Come along, multiple exotic pets 281 00:12:20,915 --> 00:12:23,319 symbolizing my spiritual corruption. 282 00:12:31,803 --> 00:12:34,676 Good night, Stewie, at 11:45 p.m., 283 00:12:34,676 --> 00:12:37,347 which is a bedtime that works for you. 284 00:12:37,347 --> 00:12:40,520 I love you, sweetie. Mwah. 285 00:12:43,594 --> 00:12:45,698 Hey, that was kind of nice what just happened right there. 286 00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:47,935 - What do you mean? - Well, you got a kiss from your mom, 287 00:12:47,935 --> 00:12:49,606 and not just 'cause you blew into that tube 288 00:12:49,606 --> 00:12:50,908 that lets her start the car. 289 00:12:50,908 --> 00:12:52,545 You know, I always wanted to get adopted 290 00:12:52,545 --> 00:12:53,747 and have parents of my own. 291 00:12:53,747 --> 00:12:55,618 Heck, my old orphanage even has its annual 292 00:12:55,618 --> 00:12:57,086 adoption fair next week, but 293 00:12:57,086 --> 00:12:58,690 forget it, nobody wants to adopt 294 00:12:58,690 --> 00:12:59,925 a messed-up kid like me. 295 00:12:59,925 --> 00:13:01,395 Hey, hey, hey. 296 00:13:01,395 --> 00:13:04,367 Can we not do shoes on my white area rug? 297 00:13:05,437 --> 00:13:08,910 And also, hey, hey, hey. You want to get adopted? 298 00:13:08,910 --> 00:13:11,014 I will help you get adopted. 299 00:13:11,014 --> 00:13:12,518 - What? - Starting tomorrow, 300 00:13:12,518 --> 00:13:15,725 I will teach you how to be a normal, adoptable child. 301 00:13:15,725 --> 00:13:17,594 Aw, dude, that's awesome. 302 00:13:17,594 --> 00:13:18,664 All right, good night, kiddo. 303 00:13:18,664 --> 00:13:19,999 I'm gonna go hide out in the dry tub 304 00:13:19,999 --> 00:13:21,301 and watch your sister take a wizz. 305 00:13:28,015 --> 00:13:29,986 Dad, thanks again for filling in 306 00:13:29,986 --> 00:13:31,990 after Chris got all big-headed and quit. 307 00:13:31,990 --> 00:13:34,562 I'm excited to start shooting these videos with you. 308 00:13:34,562 --> 00:13:36,098 Yeah, um, about the videos-- 309 00:13:36,098 --> 00:13:37,835 I couldn't help but notice 310 00:13:37,835 --> 00:13:40,440 you've got me squatting on generic Jell-O, 311 00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:41,677 not the name brand. 312 00:13:41,677 --> 00:13:43,045 Does it make a difference? 313 00:13:43,045 --> 00:13:45,584 Doe-Does it make a difference? 314 00:13:45,584 --> 00:13:47,220 You're-you're adorable. 315 00:13:47,220 --> 00:13:49,993 And why am I snorting regular cocaine 316 00:13:49,993 --> 00:13:52,564 when I specifically requested bacon-wrapped cocaine? 317 00:13:52,564 --> 00:13:55,002 There's no such thing as bacon-wrapped cocaine. 318 00:13:55,002 --> 00:13:57,373 Yeah, tell that to Chris Farley's autopsy photo. 319 00:13:57,373 --> 00:13:59,645 Also, your nose is bleeding heavily. 320 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:03,185 Yeah, that's allergies. I'm allergic to bacon and cocaine. 321 00:14:03,185 --> 00:14:05,858 I tell you, this is the most unprofessional film set 322 00:14:05,858 --> 00:14:08,495 since they cast Timothée Chalamet in Dune. 323 00:14:08,495 --> 00:14:11,536 My father came, not for spice, 324 00:14:11,536 --> 00:14:13,640 not for riches-- 325 00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:15,577 - Whoa-- wh-whoa! - Cut. 326 00:14:15,577 --> 00:14:17,346 - Wind guy. - I told you guys 327 00:14:17,346 --> 00:14:19,484 he shouldn't be in windy movies. 328 00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:21,488 Freakin' told you guys. 329 00:14:24,327 --> 00:14:26,165 All right, we've got just one week 330 00:14:26,165 --> 00:14:29,204 to turn you into a normal, regular kid who can be adopted. 331 00:14:29,204 --> 00:14:32,043 Parents love reading A-B-C books with their little ones, 332 00:14:32,043 --> 00:14:34,080 so let's practice that, shall we? 333 00:14:35,216 --> 00:14:37,354 A, Asswipe. 334 00:14:37,354 --> 00:14:39,892 Okay, close, close. How about this one? 335 00:14:39,892 --> 00:14:41,663 B, Bastard. 336 00:14:41,663 --> 00:14:43,399 We are oh-for-two. 337 00:14:43,399 --> 00:14:44,434 Yeah, I'm gonna skip C. 338 00:14:44,434 --> 00:14:46,305 Feel like I know what you're gonna say for that. 339 00:14:46,305 --> 00:14:49,778 D, F. And I know you're gonna go for that F. 340 00:14:49,778 --> 00:14:51,015 Not the usual F. 341 00:14:51,015 --> 00:14:53,118 Yeah, I'm not sure this is gonna work. 342 00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,329 You're, like, two hours late, Dad. 343 00:14:58,329 --> 00:15:00,133 I'm sorry Meg, but as an artist, 344 00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:01,803 I simply cannot create 345 00:15:01,803 --> 00:15:03,139 until you are finished dry cleaning 346 00:15:03,139 --> 00:15:05,878 - all of my Halloween costumes. - I tried, 347 00:15:05,878 --> 00:15:07,782 but they couldn't get the stain out of your 348 00:15:07,782 --> 00:15:09,184 Emperor Palpatine robe. 349 00:15:09,184 --> 00:15:12,558 Take it someplace else. Take it everyplace else. 350 00:15:12,558 --> 00:15:13,794 Ugh. 351 00:15:15,831 --> 00:15:19,037 ♪ We keep doing montages ♪ 352 00:15:19,839 --> 00:15:22,511 ♪ About the wrong things ♪ 353 00:15:22,511 --> 00:15:25,450 ♪ Here's another one we should have cut ♪ 354 00:15:25,450 --> 00:15:28,456 ♪ But the guy who draws these up ♪ 355 00:15:28,456 --> 00:15:32,397 ♪ And lost custody of his kids ♪ 356 00:15:32,397 --> 00:15:34,736 ♪ He got a DUI ♪ 357 00:15:34,736 --> 00:15:38,475 ♪ Since the last montage. ♪ 358 00:15:45,089 --> 00:15:48,161 Chris, what are you doing? 359 00:15:48,161 --> 00:15:50,166 Why does it smell so bad in here? 360 00:15:50,166 --> 00:15:53,138 Uh, well, my exotic pets 361 00:15:53,138 --> 00:15:55,109 somehow all killed each other. 362 00:15:56,211 --> 00:16:00,086 Still not quite sure what the sequence was there. 363 00:16:00,086 --> 00:16:02,792 Anyway, Meg, I just want to say I'm really happy 364 00:16:02,792 --> 00:16:06,465 for you and Dad that you're doing that website together. 365 00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:08,468 Uh, thanks, Chris. 366 00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:10,106 No, thank you. 367 00:16:10,106 --> 00:16:12,845 I just wish I didn't screw everything up, you know? 368 00:16:12,845 --> 00:16:14,682 Treated you like a carrot muffin 369 00:16:14,682 --> 00:16:16,117 I butt-smothered for money. 370 00:16:16,117 --> 00:16:18,990 But you're not a carrot muffin, you're my sister. 371 00:16:18,990 --> 00:16:20,293 And I forgot that. 372 00:16:20,293 --> 00:16:23,132 It's okay, Chris, I forgive you. 373 00:16:23,132 --> 00:16:25,804 Hey, call out any Boston Market sides. 374 00:16:25,804 --> 00:16:28,743 It's Friday, and we're gorgin'. 375 00:16:35,356 --> 00:16:39,698 Told you, Stewie, nobody wants to adopt this loser. 376 00:16:43,439 --> 00:16:44,374 Okay, look sharp. 377 00:16:44,374 --> 00:16:46,178 These people may be your last chance. 378 00:16:46,178 --> 00:16:49,217 Just do everything the way we rehearsed it. 379 00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:51,522 Hey, little man, how are you? 380 00:16:51,522 --> 00:16:54,161 I am fine and in good physical health. 381 00:16:54,161 --> 00:16:57,400 Aw. What kind of toys do you like, sweetie? 382 00:16:57,400 --> 00:17:00,073 Um, you know, a doll, because that's okay 383 00:17:00,073 --> 00:17:01,208 for a boy, I'm told. 384 00:17:01,208 --> 00:17:02,911 But, you know, any-any toy's fine. 385 00:17:02,911 --> 00:17:04,447 An outside ball for throwing inside. 386 00:17:04,447 --> 00:17:05,917 I mean, you know, whatever you got. 387 00:17:05,917 --> 00:17:08,256 So sweet. Hey, 388 00:17:08,256 --> 00:17:09,892 what do you want to be when you grow up? 389 00:17:09,892 --> 00:17:11,127 When I grow up, I want to be 390 00:17:11,127 --> 00:17:13,600 a body-cam-off police officer. 391 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,171 I-I mean, just a regular police officer. 392 00:17:22,083 --> 00:17:24,822 How would you like us to adopt you 393 00:17:24,822 --> 00:17:26,425 so that you can come live with us 394 00:17:26,425 --> 00:17:29,264 and be a Jets fan, not a Pats fan, 395 00:17:29,264 --> 00:17:31,669 because we are a Jets family. 396 00:17:34,809 --> 00:17:38,182 Jets are a straight [bleep] franchise, bro. 397 00:17:38,182 --> 00:17:40,352 The last Jet that actually mattered in NYC 398 00:17:40,352 --> 00:17:41,889 is the one that hit the South Tower. 399 00:17:41,889 --> 00:17:43,425 Whoa, whoa. 400 00:17:43,425 --> 00:17:46,331 Okay, so that wasn't a match. 401 00:17:50,808 --> 00:17:53,245 I'm sorry. I really thought I could help you find 402 00:17:53,245 --> 00:17:54,849 a family of your own. 403 00:17:54,849 --> 00:17:56,318 What's going on over there? 404 00:17:56,318 --> 00:17:59,558 Holy crap, it's Mark Wahlberg's seven freckle-chested sisters 405 00:17:59,558 --> 00:18:00,459 from The Fighter. 406 00:18:00,459 --> 00:18:03,533 I'm sorry, ladies, you have to leave. 407 00:18:03,533 --> 00:18:05,136 What? For why? 408 00:18:05,136 --> 00:18:07,741 We caught you sneaking outside beers 409 00:18:07,741 --> 00:18:09,110 into the adoption fair. 410 00:18:09,110 --> 00:18:11,381 If you're going to be at the adoption fair 411 00:18:11,381 --> 00:18:14,154 you have to buy adoption fair beers. 412 00:18:14,154 --> 00:18:16,291 Fine, we'll drink in the parking lot. 413 00:18:16,291 --> 00:18:18,162 Whatever kid doesn't get picked, 414 00:18:18,162 --> 00:18:20,032 just leave him outside. 415 00:18:20,032 --> 00:18:22,270 Hey, April, Check out that one. 416 00:18:22,270 --> 00:18:24,173 Whoa, now that's a good-looking 417 00:18:24,173 --> 00:18:26,813 government subsidy right there. 418 00:18:26,813 --> 00:18:30,453 - Um, hi there. - Hey, bud. 419 00:18:30,453 --> 00:18:34,160 I see you got the same Aaron Hernandez tattoo I got. 420 00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:36,298 Want to come live with us? We live near an overpass 421 00:18:36,298 --> 00:18:38,903 and we got lots and lots of D batteries to throw. 422 00:18:42,645 --> 00:18:44,915 Go on, get out of here. 423 00:18:48,055 --> 00:18:50,092 Have a great life with your seven moms. 424 00:18:50,092 --> 00:18:51,662 Well, one of 'em will be my mom. 425 00:18:51,662 --> 00:18:53,566 Six of 'em will be my girlfriend. 426 00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:56,237 The dude's a legend. 427 00:19:02,852 --> 00:19:05,957 Hey, baby. I want to party with that ice cream cone. 428 00:19:05,957 --> 00:19:08,228 Five bucks and I'll sit on it. 429 00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:11,434 Hey. Hey. 430 00:19:12,604 --> 00:19:16,111 Twenty bucks if you'll mash a Chipwich with your knee. 431 00:19:17,781 --> 00:19:19,484 Let's see the Chipwich. 432 00:19:19,484 --> 00:19:22,156 No! He doesn't do knee stuff. 433 00:19:22,156 --> 00:19:24,428 What is wrong with you sickos? 434 00:19:24,428 --> 00:19:26,197 What happened to you, man? 435 00:19:26,197 --> 00:19:28,035 This is all I'm good for, Meg. 436 00:19:28,035 --> 00:19:30,373 It's... it's all people see me as. 437 00:19:30,373 --> 00:19:32,210 That's not true, Chris. 438 00:19:32,210 --> 00:19:33,980 You have so much to offer, 439 00:19:33,980 --> 00:19:36,619 and I've got something for you. 440 00:19:36,619 --> 00:19:37,954 Buttercream? 441 00:19:37,954 --> 00:19:40,627 You bet your ass, buttercream. 442 00:19:41,629 --> 00:19:42,998 Wait. 443 00:19:42,998 --> 00:19:45,235 This one we do together. 444 00:19:51,181 --> 00:19:55,456 ♪ Love lift us up where we belong ♪ 445 00:19:56,926 --> 00:19:59,297 ♪ Where the eagles cry. ♪ 446 00:20:05,511 --> 00:20:08,149 So, Chris, after your recent adventure 447 00:20:08,149 --> 00:20:10,485 behind the scenes of the adult video world, 448 00:20:10,485 --> 00:20:13,492 you're probably not even able to enjoy pornography any-- 449 00:20:13,492 --> 00:20:15,329 Wrong! 450 00:20:15,329 --> 00:20:18,035 Uh, okay. Well, I got to go to 451 00:20:18,035 --> 00:20:19,370 the county registrar's office. 452 00:20:19,370 --> 00:20:21,542 Need to re-register our business as inactive 453 00:20:21,542 --> 00:20:23,479 and change our filing status. 454 00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:27,386 ♪ Undoing a corporation ♪ 455 00:20:27,386 --> 00:20:31,161 ♪ Is surprisingly complicated ♪ 456 00:20:31,161 --> 00:20:33,432 ♪ But it still doesn't make ♪ 457 00:20:33,432 --> 00:20:37,039 ♪ For a good montage. ♪ 458 00:20:37,039 --> 00:20:39,578 Hey, Gavin. Yeah, it's Dad. 459 00:20:39,578 --> 00:20:42,618 Well, the court say I get two guaranteed calls a week, 460 00:20:42,618 --> 00:20:45,423 so I'm calling. 461 00:20:45,423 --> 00:20:48,663 Can you please tell your mother to get off the extension? 462 00:20:48,663 --> 00:20:51,702 No, in-person visits have to be supervised, 463 00:20:51,702 --> 00:20:54,140 but the calls do not have to be supervised, 464 00:20:54,140 --> 00:20:56,679 so she can get off the phone now. 465 00:20:56,679 --> 00:21:00,319 Daddy knows what Mommy's breathing sounds like, bud. 466 00:21:00,319 --> 00:21:02,524 Get off the phone, Janet!