1 00:00:02,238 --> 00:00:04,510 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,510 --> 00:00:07,682 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,782 --> 00:00:11,389 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,389 --> 00:00:14,395 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,395 --> 00:00:17,836 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,836 --> 00:00:21,243 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,243 --> 00:00:22,946 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,946 --> 00:00:24,215 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,315 --> 00:00:30,193 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:35,037 --> 00:00:36,774 Hey, Meg, what's up? 11 00:00:36,774 --> 00:00:39,078 A cool kid said, "What's up?" 12 00:00:41,851 --> 00:00:44,221 Oh, it was just a dream. 13 00:00:46,894 --> 00:00:49,667 Goldy, no! 14 00:00:49,667 --> 00:00:53,206 Ugh. Fifth one this week. 15 00:00:54,877 --> 00:00:57,816 Oh, my God! Mr. Clompers. 16 00:00:59,787 --> 00:01:01,623 Stay with me, Mr. Clompers. 17 00:01:02,592 --> 00:01:04,796 Stay with me, you son of a bitch. 18 00:01:08,203 --> 00:01:11,209 Oh, there's only one way to turn this day around. 19 00:01:11,309 --> 00:01:13,615 Crouch behind a dumpster in the back of Quiznos 20 00:01:13,615 --> 00:01:16,653 and wait for the half-eaten subs to be thrown out. 21 00:01:20,662 --> 00:01:23,701 Yep, looks like things are finally starting to turn around 22 00:01:23,701 --> 00:01:26,172 for the Meg-a-rino. 23 00:01:27,274 --> 00:01:28,878 Hey, what are you doing? 24 00:01:28,978 --> 00:01:30,781 I'm not a dumpster. Put me down. 25 00:01:30,781 --> 00:01:31,950 Aah! 26 00:01:31,950 --> 00:01:34,154 - Man, this job sucks. - I don't know. 27 00:01:34,154 --> 00:01:36,225 Ladies running with trash bags and no bras on 28 00:01:36,225 --> 00:01:37,394 is pretty cool sometimes. 29 00:01:37,494 --> 00:01:38,598 Wait. 30 00:01:38,698 --> 00:01:39,633 Right on cue. 31 00:01:39,733 --> 00:01:42,805 And now the mind creates scenarios and so forth. 32 00:01:46,614 --> 00:01:48,651 Hey, what are you doing home from work? 33 00:01:48,651 --> 00:01:51,022 Ah, some sicko called in a bomb scare. 34 00:01:51,122 --> 00:01:52,659 Then they confiscated everyone's phones 35 00:01:52,659 --> 00:01:54,361 and I was told to take the day off. 36 00:01:54,361 --> 00:01:56,299 Peter, did you call in the bomb scare? 37 00:01:56,399 --> 00:01:58,036 God, you sound just like them. 38 00:01:58,136 --> 00:01:59,973 For the last time, maybe. 39 00:01:59,973 --> 00:02:01,877 Well, since you're home, you can watch 40 00:02:01,877 --> 00:02:04,015 my daytime shows with me. 41 00:02:04,115 --> 00:02:05,785 Hello. 42 00:02:05,785 --> 00:02:07,321 There's a bomb in the TV. 43 00:02:07,321 --> 00:02:09,158 Leave the remote and exit the room. 44 00:02:09,291 --> 00:02:12,031 Nice try, but we're watching The View. 45 00:02:12,164 --> 00:02:13,535 Welcome to The View. 46 00:02:13,535 --> 00:02:15,839 Today we're talking about mansplaining. 47 00:02:15,839 --> 00:02:17,441 Meghan McCain, you go first. 48 00:02:17,542 --> 00:02:19,145 I thought Meghan McCain quit. 49 00:02:19,145 --> 00:02:21,082 Oh, yes, she did. They replaced her 50 00:02:21,182 --> 00:02:24,055 with a dozen feral cats in a quinceañera dress, 51 00:02:24,055 --> 00:02:25,324 and no one can tell the difference. 52 00:02:29,065 --> 00:02:30,935 The cats have an important dead dad, 53 00:02:31,035 --> 00:02:33,240 so we got to hear 'em out. 54 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,277 It's The Kelly Clarkson Show. 55 00:02:35,277 --> 00:02:37,014 She's got a show now? 56 00:02:37,014 --> 00:02:38,951 Yes, and she's actually very funny, 57 00:02:38,951 --> 00:02:41,288 if you're a woman who claps when the plane lands. 58 00:02:41,288 --> 00:02:44,061 Give me that thing. Aren't there any daytime TV shows 59 00:02:44,061 --> 00:02:45,197 hosted by men? 60 00:02:45,330 --> 00:02:46,700 Peter, are you kidding me? 61 00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:49,038 Conversations between men are boring. 62 00:02:49,038 --> 00:02:51,209 I've heard what you and the guys talk about. 63 00:02:51,209 --> 00:02:52,478 Me and the guys would be great 64 00:02:52,478 --> 00:02:53,748 at hosting one of these shows. 65 00:02:53,848 --> 00:02:55,718 We talk about interesting stuff all the time. 66 00:02:55,718 --> 00:02:57,455 Just this past weekend, we were talking about 67 00:02:57,455 --> 00:02:59,660 how a lot of people don't know which one is Chip 68 00:02:59,660 --> 00:03:00,494 and which one is Dale. 69 00:03:00,595 --> 00:03:02,097 Well, it's actually very simple. 70 00:03:02,097 --> 00:03:04,903 Chip's nose is black, and Dale's nose is red. 71 00:03:05,003 --> 00:03:06,105 And if you need help remembering, 72 00:03:06,105 --> 00:03:07,475 you say "chocolate chip." 73 00:03:07,576 --> 00:03:09,245 The Chipmunks were easier because they had 74 00:03:09,245 --> 00:03:10,447 big letters on their shirts. 75 00:03:10,447 --> 00:03:12,552 - But that's Tuesday's show. - Oh, please. 76 00:03:12,652 --> 00:03:14,856 All men run out of things to say to each other 77 00:03:14,856 --> 00:03:16,425 - after 20 minutes. - Oh, yeah? 78 00:03:16,425 --> 00:03:18,096 Well, if guys are so bad at talking, 79 00:03:18,096 --> 00:03:19,900 how come Regis Philbin is still yapping? 80 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,338 So Joy hands me a box, and I open it, 81 00:03:22,471 --> 00:03:25,243 and it's the same darn sweater from last Christmas! 82 00:03:25,377 --> 00:03:27,080 Can you believe that? Coming up, 83 00:03:27,180 --> 00:03:28,517 Angel's David Boreanaz. 84 00:03:28,517 --> 00:03:31,590 Look at Kathie Lee. She's fanning herself. 85 00:03:37,535 --> 00:03:38,905 Whoa, Meg, what happened to you? 86 00:03:38,905 --> 00:03:41,275 Yo, I straight-up thought that was Post Malone 87 00:03:41,376 --> 00:03:42,111 for a hot second. 88 00:03:42,211 --> 00:03:44,649 I just had the worst day of my life. 89 00:03:44,750 --> 00:03:47,254 Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna bake cookies from scratch 90 00:03:47,254 --> 00:03:49,292 and eat them until I puke. 91 00:03:49,292 --> 00:03:51,129 Meg, I think what you're going through are 92 00:03:51,229 --> 00:03:52,264 typical teenage emotions. 93 00:03:52,398 --> 00:03:55,003 Trust me, everything will change when you go to college. 94 00:03:55,103 --> 00:03:57,441 Speaking of, guess who got a letter 95 00:03:57,542 --> 00:04:00,314 from the University of Rhode Island today. 96 00:04:00,314 --> 00:04:01,349 Wait, what? 97 00:04:01,483 --> 00:04:04,221 And it came in a big envelope. 98 00:04:04,221 --> 00:04:06,125 You know what that means. 99 00:04:06,225 --> 00:04:07,963 Finally some good news. 100 00:04:08,063 --> 00:04:09,332 "From the Office of Admissions 101 00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:10,968 at the University of Rhode Island." 102 00:04:11,069 --> 00:04:12,706 Wow, so official. 103 00:04:12,706 --> 00:04:15,845 "Hey, sorry, we ran out of small envelopes. 104 00:04:15,845 --> 00:04:18,083 You didn't get in." 105 00:04:21,422 --> 00:04:22,926 Meg, I'm so sorry. 106 00:04:22,926 --> 00:04:27,568 I just have to accept it, I'll never be happy. 107 00:04:33,714 --> 00:04:36,654 A talk show for men? That's a great idea. 108 00:04:36,654 --> 00:04:38,524 Yeah. Imagine getting paid to talk about stuff 109 00:04:38,524 --> 00:04:40,494 we already talk about around this table. 110 00:04:40,494 --> 00:04:43,200 Hey, that could be the title. Bar Table Talk. 111 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:44,569 Oh, guys, check it out. 112 00:04:44,569 --> 00:04:46,840 Tom Tucker's wasted at the bar again. 113 00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:48,042 Put on channel six. 114 00:04:48,142 --> 00:04:51,984 I-I want to see what Doppler those dinks are working with. 115 00:04:51,984 --> 00:04:53,854 A 3000?! Ha! 116 00:04:53,954 --> 00:04:57,060 What, are they telling us the weather in 2004? 117 00:04:57,194 --> 00:04:58,697 Hey, fellas, I'll be right back. 118 00:04:58,697 --> 00:05:01,336 Boy, it's fun to fantasize about having a talk show. 119 00:05:01,336 --> 00:05:03,340 But, sadly, that's all it's gonna be, 120 00:05:03,340 --> 00:05:05,410 'cause ain't nobody putting four guys 121 00:05:05,511 --> 00:05:08,551 - with zero experience on TV. - Yeah, you're right. 122 00:05:08,651 --> 00:05:10,855 Start thinking of warm to hot topics, fellas. 123 00:05:10,955 --> 00:05:12,124 What are you talking about? 124 00:05:12,124 --> 00:05:13,728 I just spoke to Tom Tucker. 125 00:05:13,728 --> 00:05:15,731 A few months ago I did him a big favor, 126 00:05:15,731 --> 00:05:18,236 and he said if there's anything he could ever do for me, 127 00:05:18,236 --> 00:05:20,875 just ask, so I just asked. 128 00:05:20,875 --> 00:05:21,844 And he said yes. 129 00:05:21,844 --> 00:05:25,316 Gentlemen, say hello to the hosts of your new 130 00:05:25,450 --> 00:05:27,054 channel five daytime talk show. 131 00:05:27,054 --> 00:05:28,591 Oh, my God, that's amazing. 132 00:05:28,591 --> 00:05:30,193 This is awesome. Wait, Joe, 133 00:05:30,293 --> 00:05:32,231 what was the favor you did for Tom Tucker? 134 00:05:32,364 --> 00:05:34,936 I mustache-sat for him over the holidays. 135 00:05:35,805 --> 00:05:38,510 We said Rise of Gru and then bed. 136 00:05:38,510 --> 00:05:40,681 That was the deal we made. 137 00:05:42,217 --> 00:05:43,688 I'm sorry you're having a hard time. 138 00:05:43,688 --> 00:05:45,991 I'm having a hard time, too. 139 00:05:49,232 --> 00:05:51,235 Hey, what the heck are you guys doing? 140 00:05:51,235 --> 00:05:52,772 Those are my cookies. 141 00:05:52,873 --> 00:05:55,176 Meg, these are literally the best cookies 142 00:05:55,176 --> 00:05:56,479 I've ever had in my life. 143 00:05:56,580 --> 00:05:58,250 Yeah, they're incredible. 144 00:05:58,350 --> 00:05:59,620 Did you switch up the recipe? 145 00:05:59,620 --> 00:06:01,155 No, I don't think so. 146 00:06:01,155 --> 00:06:03,059 So good, Meg. I'd have another, 147 00:06:03,159 --> 00:06:05,664 but I got to see Dean later. Dean's my trainer. 148 00:06:05,664 --> 00:06:07,569 Guy kicks my freakin' ass. 149 00:06:07,669 --> 00:06:09,105 You must have done something different. 150 00:06:09,205 --> 00:06:10,674 These are fantastic. 151 00:06:10,674 --> 00:06:12,746 Hmm. 152 00:06:12,846 --> 00:06:15,450 I think my tears falling into the batter 153 00:06:15,450 --> 00:06:17,589 must have made these cookies taste different. 154 00:06:17,589 --> 00:06:20,160 Not different, delicious. 155 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:24,034 Last week, Dean was saying I'm the most ripped guy he trains. 156 00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:25,069 Off the record, of course. 157 00:06:25,203 --> 00:06:27,040 Meg, I think this could be the start of a business. 158 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:29,712 People would pay a premium for cookies this good. 159 00:06:29,812 --> 00:06:30,548 Really? 160 00:06:30,648 --> 00:06:32,952 Oh, a business is a lot of work. 161 00:06:32,952 --> 00:06:36,660 Unless maybe... you guys want to help out? 162 00:06:36,793 --> 00:06:38,531 - I'd be happy to. - I'll do it. 163 00:06:38,664 --> 00:06:41,102 So Monday, Wednesday and Fridays are Dean days. 164 00:06:41,202 --> 00:06:44,107 Other than that, I'm down. I'm in ketosis, by the way. 165 00:06:44,207 --> 00:06:45,678 This is exciting, you guys. 166 00:06:45,778 --> 00:06:47,347 We just have to find a way to get the word out 167 00:06:47,347 --> 00:06:48,551 about these cookies. 168 00:06:48,551 --> 00:06:50,420 I don't think we'll have to worry about that. 169 00:06:50,420 --> 00:06:52,759 I just got an email back from the one show 170 00:06:52,759 --> 00:06:56,098 that'll put our product in front of the entire country. 171 00:06:56,098 --> 00:06:58,336 Long Hallway Shark Tank. 172 00:06:59,405 --> 00:07:01,710 First up, Meg Griffin and family 173 00:07:01,810 --> 00:07:05,584 with a new twist on a popular snack. 174 00:07:35,611 --> 00:07:37,480 Hello, sharks. I'm here to-- 175 00:07:45,598 --> 00:07:47,602 We have so many new cookie orders. 176 00:07:47,702 --> 00:07:49,506 Which means we've got a lot of baking to do. 177 00:07:49,506 --> 00:07:50,508 Let's get going. 178 00:07:50,508 --> 00:07:52,010 Sorry, if I'm in a busy kitchen, 179 00:07:52,110 --> 00:07:54,883 I'm gonna have to scream at someone Gordon Ramsay style. 180 00:07:54,883 --> 00:07:58,322 A raw egg? You're gonna kill someone! 181 00:07:58,322 --> 00:07:59,893 20 years of being in the business, 182 00:07:59,993 --> 00:08:02,765 and you're the biggest buffoon I've ever met. 183 00:08:02,765 --> 00:08:04,869 Now let's step outside, where I'll speak to you 184 00:08:04,869 --> 00:08:06,673 in an entirely different tone. 185 00:08:06,773 --> 00:08:09,111 What's going on with you? Tell me. 186 00:08:09,111 --> 00:08:10,548 I don't, I don't know. 187 00:08:10,648 --> 00:08:12,384 You're overwhelmed trying to live up 188 00:08:12,519 --> 00:08:14,288 to your father's expectations, aren't you? 189 00:08:14,288 --> 00:08:15,858 Yeah, I guess. 190 00:08:15,858 --> 00:08:18,864 Listen, your father Nikos was a proud Greek man 191 00:08:18,864 --> 00:08:20,635 who came to this country with nothing but 192 00:08:20,635 --> 00:08:21,903 a baklava and a dream. 193 00:08:22,003 --> 00:08:24,041 But he's gone now, and you have to accept that. 194 00:08:24,041 --> 00:08:27,080 Now, those people in there need a leader, not a friend. 195 00:08:27,213 --> 00:08:28,082 Understood? 196 00:08:28,215 --> 00:08:30,253 Yes. Thank you, Chef Ramsay. 197 00:08:30,353 --> 00:08:31,890 I have tremendous respect for you 198 00:08:31,890 --> 00:08:34,094 and what you do for people's businesses. 199 00:08:34,094 --> 00:08:35,632 Good. Now, just don't Yelp 200 00:08:35,632 --> 00:08:36,933 any places from the show 201 00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:39,839 or eat at any of my restaurants in Las Vegas. 202 00:08:44,482 --> 00:08:45,718 Oh, from Peter. 203 00:08:45,818 --> 00:08:49,491 "Turn on channel five right now." 204 00:08:49,491 --> 00:08:52,732 Welcome to the first episode of Bar Table Talk. 205 00:08:52,832 --> 00:08:56,372 Finally, a show for men by men. Football. 206 00:08:56,472 --> 00:08:58,409 You've got to be kidding me. 207 00:08:58,409 --> 00:09:00,246 Now check out our theme song called 208 00:09:00,380 --> 00:09:01,916 "Guys Just Want to Have Fun," 209 00:09:02,017 --> 00:09:03,854 which is just each of us yelling "guys" 210 00:09:03,854 --> 00:09:05,490 over the parts where they sing "girls" 211 00:09:05,490 --> 00:09:06,860 in "Girls Just Want to Have Fun." 212 00:09:06,860 --> 00:09:10,367 ♪ When the working day is done ♪ 213 00:09:10,367 --> 00:09:11,803 - ♪ Oh ♪ - Guys. 214 00:09:11,803 --> 00:09:14,174 ♪ They want to have fun ♪ 215 00:09:14,275 --> 00:09:15,376 - ♪ Oh ♪ - Guys. 216 00:09:15,376 --> 00:09:17,982 - ♪ Just want to have... ♪ - Guys. 217 00:09:17,982 --> 00:09:21,856 ♪ They want, want to have fun ♪ 218 00:09:21,856 --> 00:09:23,861 - ♪ Girls... ♪ - Guys! 219 00:09:23,861 --> 00:09:24,963 Damn it, Joe. 220 00:09:24,963 --> 00:09:25,965 This is why I wanted to use 221 00:09:25,965 --> 00:09:27,300 "The Boys Are Back in Town." 222 00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:29,839 But no! 223 00:09:32,210 --> 00:09:33,947 Welcome back. Now it's time for 224 00:09:33,947 --> 00:09:36,753 the Clenched-Buttocks Urinal-Fart of the Day, 225 00:09:36,853 --> 00:09:40,260 sent in by Gene Kozlowski at Imperial Tool and Dye 226 00:09:40,260 --> 00:09:41,730 in Kenosha, Wisconsin. 227 00:09:41,730 --> 00:09:43,032 Let her rip, Gene. 228 00:09:47,107 --> 00:09:48,510 Ah. 229 00:09:48,611 --> 00:09:50,581 You just know that one had the power 230 00:09:50,681 --> 00:09:52,751 of a state fair sausage behind it. 231 00:09:52,852 --> 00:09:53,820 Impressive stuff. 232 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:56,693 Coming up, all the people from your wife's work 233 00:09:56,693 --> 00:10:00,233 she claims are horrible who, surprise, aren't. 234 00:10:00,233 --> 00:10:01,736 Ugh, disgusting. 235 00:10:01,836 --> 00:10:03,473 I can't believe that's my husband. 236 00:10:03,574 --> 00:10:04,809 Although I shouldn't be surprised 237 00:10:04,809 --> 00:10:06,813 after what happened on our wedding night. 238 00:10:06,813 --> 00:10:10,888 Peter, are you ready? 239 00:10:10,988 --> 00:10:12,759 Sorry, I already masturbated. 240 00:10:12,759 --> 00:10:14,596 There was a seashell on top of the toilet 241 00:10:14,596 --> 00:10:16,331 that looked like a boob. 242 00:10:20,273 --> 00:10:21,242 Okay, lunch is over. 243 00:10:21,242 --> 00:10:22,945 We got more cookie orders to take care of. 244 00:10:22,945 --> 00:10:26,653 All right, let's get our sister crying. 245 00:10:26,653 --> 00:10:29,659 ♪ I was all right ♪ 246 00:10:29,659 --> 00:10:32,397 ♪ For a while ♪ 247 00:10:32,397 --> 00:10:36,874 ♪ I could smile for a while ♪ 248 00:10:37,007 --> 00:10:39,044 ♪ But I saw you last night ♪ 249 00:10:39,044 --> 00:10:42,651 ♪ You held my hand so tight ♪ 250 00:10:42,751 --> 00:10:46,927 ♪ As you stopped to say hello ♪ 251 00:10:47,027 --> 00:10:49,532 ♪ Oh, you wished me well ♪ 252 00:10:49,632 --> 00:10:53,205 ♪ You couldn't tell ♪ 253 00:10:53,205 --> 00:10:57,147 ♪ That I'd been crying ♪ 254 00:10:57,247 --> 00:10:59,586 ♪ Over you ♪ 255 00:10:59,686 --> 00:11:04,596 ♪ Crying over you ♪ 256 00:11:04,696 --> 00:11:09,337 ♪ When you said "So long." ♪ 257 00:11:11,141 --> 00:11:12,778 And that's why the Eagles are 258 00:11:12,778 --> 00:11:15,416 the best yard work band of all time. 259 00:11:15,518 --> 00:11:17,020 I'm sorry, are we in a world 260 00:11:17,020 --> 00:11:19,726 where the Steve Miller Band was never born? 261 00:11:19,726 --> 00:11:21,963 Oh, this show gets dumber by the second. 262 00:11:22,063 --> 00:11:23,600 Just come in! 263 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,507 Who even cares anymore? Oh, hi, Daddy. 264 00:11:26,507 --> 00:11:27,842 What are you doing here? 265 00:11:27,942 --> 00:11:31,181 Oh, I stopped by to... Oh, no way. I love this show. 266 00:11:31,282 --> 00:11:32,216 Oh, is Meg around? 267 00:11:32,216 --> 00:11:34,087 - She's in the kitchen. - Excellent. 268 00:11:34,187 --> 00:11:36,058 Well, aren't you gonna ask how I'm doing? 269 00:11:36,058 --> 00:11:39,398 Lois, I can see one, two, three ant traps. 270 00:11:39,398 --> 00:11:42,771 I know how you're doing. Oh, four. 271 00:11:45,611 --> 00:11:46,713 Oh, hey, Carter. 272 00:11:46,713 --> 00:11:48,115 What are you doing here, Grandpa? 273 00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:49,953 Word has gotten around about your cookies, 274 00:11:50,053 --> 00:11:52,090 and I have a business opportunity for you. 275 00:11:52,090 --> 00:11:54,228 I'm throwing a party for my billionaire friends 276 00:11:54,228 --> 00:11:56,331 on Friday, and I'd like you to cater it. 277 00:11:56,331 --> 00:11:58,570 Oh, my God! We'd love to. 278 00:11:58,570 --> 00:12:00,373 Uh, Meg, maybe let a graduate 279 00:12:00,373 --> 00:12:03,279 of the Howard Schultz MasterClass handle this. 280 00:12:03,279 --> 00:12:05,317 I'm prepared to offer you 10,000-- 281 00:12:05,317 --> 00:12:06,687 - We'll do it. - Pennies. 282 00:12:06,687 --> 00:12:09,257 10,000 pennies, or $100. 283 00:12:09,357 --> 00:12:10,961 Oh, dude, you blew it. 284 00:12:10,961 --> 00:12:13,767 Just kidding, I'm super rich. I'll pay you 50 grand. 285 00:12:13,867 --> 00:12:17,107 Holy crap, $50,000! 286 00:12:17,207 --> 00:12:20,547 I'll need 500 bags of cookies. All right, see you Friday. 287 00:12:20,547 --> 00:12:23,386 Ugh, I really don't want to have to talk to your mother again. 288 00:12:23,386 --> 00:12:26,191 Guess I'll just AirPods it out. 289 00:12:26,191 --> 00:12:27,862 Bye, Daddy. 290 00:12:27,962 --> 00:12:29,932 I said bye, Daddy. 291 00:12:34,743 --> 00:12:36,378 You guys, I just want to thank you 292 00:12:36,378 --> 00:12:38,750 for helping make my cookies such a success. 293 00:12:38,850 --> 00:12:40,554 It really means a lot to me. 294 00:12:40,554 --> 00:12:42,290 And for the first time in my life, 295 00:12:42,290 --> 00:12:44,495 I'm finally feeling proud of myself 296 00:12:44,495 --> 00:12:46,298 and hopeful about my future. 297 00:12:46,398 --> 00:12:49,806 I think... I think I'm actually happy. 298 00:12:49,906 --> 00:12:51,910 Oh, that's great to hear, Meg. 299 00:12:51,910 --> 00:12:53,245 We're proud of you, too. 300 00:12:53,245 --> 00:12:57,153 Now we got cookies to make. Give us those tears. 301 00:13:03,132 --> 00:13:06,072 Oh, I know. Meg, when you were a baby, 302 00:13:06,172 --> 00:13:07,908 you were left at a fire station. 303 00:13:07,908 --> 00:13:12,083 And those firemen left you at another fire station. 304 00:13:13,419 --> 00:13:15,223 The only reason you had a date for homecoming 305 00:13:15,223 --> 00:13:18,563 was because the guy got community service hours for it. 306 00:13:20,433 --> 00:13:22,639 Oh, no. I can't cry. 307 00:13:22,739 --> 00:13:24,776 A-And when I hear about my crappy old life, 308 00:13:24,876 --> 00:13:27,648 I just feel proud and happy about where I am now. 309 00:13:27,648 --> 00:13:30,220 Uh-oh, no tears means no cookies. 310 00:13:30,220 --> 00:13:32,925 Which also means no cookie business. 311 00:13:32,925 --> 00:13:36,398 Hi, I'm Jamie Lee Curtis, and I heard someone here 312 00:13:36,398 --> 00:13:38,770 was having a problem with feminine dryness. 313 00:13:38,770 --> 00:13:40,808 Oh, I-I think I'm all set. 314 00:13:40,808 --> 00:13:43,079 Have you tried Sliquid Feminine Wash, 315 00:13:43,079 --> 00:13:45,717 the natural solution to feminine dryness? 316 00:13:45,817 --> 00:13:47,354 Oh, no, no. 317 00:13:47,354 --> 00:13:49,926 I-I-I think we have different problems, dawg. 318 00:13:49,926 --> 00:13:51,362 Well, I'd hear her out. 319 00:13:51,362 --> 00:13:54,268 Sliquid's the one feminine wash that goes on dry 320 00:13:54,268 --> 00:13:55,704 and doesn't drip. 321 00:13:55,704 --> 00:13:57,808 Chris, are you selling intimacy products 322 00:13:57,908 --> 00:13:59,111 with Jamie Lee Curtis? 323 00:13:59,211 --> 00:14:02,417 Well, Stewie, I'd say Sliquid sells itself. 324 00:14:04,488 --> 00:14:06,324 It goes on dry? 325 00:14:12,604 --> 00:14:14,107 Meg, I don't want to alarm you, 326 00:14:14,107 --> 00:14:16,646 but if you can't cry, we won't get the $50,000 327 00:14:16,646 --> 00:14:18,416 from Carter for catering his party. 328 00:14:18,416 --> 00:14:19,786 I know, I'm sorry. 329 00:14:19,786 --> 00:14:22,423 It's just that, since the cookie business became successful, 330 00:14:22,423 --> 00:14:23,727 I'm not sad anymore. 331 00:14:23,727 --> 00:14:25,831 Well, there goes my dream of becoming 332 00:14:25,831 --> 00:14:27,634 the next Otis Spunkmeyer. 333 00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:30,039 Your dream is to be Otis Spunkmeyer? 334 00:14:30,039 --> 00:14:33,813 I love a company that works a dirty word for a bodily fluid 335 00:14:33,813 --> 00:14:34,916 into their name. 336 00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:37,120 Chris, that is absolutely disgusting. 337 00:14:37,254 --> 00:14:40,192 Hey, the way I see it, in this life, 338 00:14:40,326 --> 00:14:42,497 ya gotta laugh. 339 00:14:44,835 --> 00:14:47,608 God, he said "Ya gotta laugh" so many times, 340 00:14:47,708 --> 00:14:49,211 it started to feel like a threat. 341 00:14:49,311 --> 00:14:51,015 Why did we come to this again? 342 00:14:51,015 --> 00:14:53,185 Remember that kid I hit with my mail truck? 343 00:14:53,185 --> 00:14:56,091 - That was the kid? - That was the kid. 344 00:14:58,697 --> 00:15:01,770 Ladies, I'm at the end of my rope with this damn show. 345 00:15:01,770 --> 00:15:04,007 Peter's become impossible to live with. 346 00:15:04,108 --> 00:15:06,178 Yeah, Cleveland thinks he's fancy, too. 347 00:15:06,278 --> 00:15:08,751 You know, he's demanding Pert Plus now 348 00:15:08,751 --> 00:15:10,153 instead of regular old Pert. 349 00:15:10,253 --> 00:15:12,290 Joe's also gotten a big head lately. 350 00:15:12,290 --> 00:15:15,163 When he eats graham crackers now, he totally ignores 351 00:15:15,296 --> 00:15:17,367 the suggested perforations. 352 00:15:17,467 --> 00:15:19,104 He's like a mad king. 353 00:15:19,204 --> 00:15:20,875 We've got to shut this show down. 354 00:15:20,875 --> 00:15:22,443 Oh, I don't know. 355 00:15:22,443 --> 00:15:24,782 Lois, have you heard what Peter said 356 00:15:24,882 --> 00:15:26,085 on yesterday's show? 357 00:15:26,185 --> 00:15:28,222 And so I say, men, 358 00:15:28,322 --> 00:15:30,093 we deserve a second drawer. 359 00:15:30,093 --> 00:15:33,166 It should be four to two, not five to one. 360 00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:39,578 Ladies, it's time to put an end to their little show. 361 00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:46,258 Now, remember, when they start talking about 362 00:15:46,258 --> 00:15:49,030 how awful women are, we storm the stage, 363 00:15:49,030 --> 00:15:50,400 call them out on it. 364 00:15:50,500 --> 00:15:54,608 And then we'll go viral and the show will be canceled. 365 00:15:54,708 --> 00:15:56,278 Welcome to Bar Table Talk. 366 00:15:56,378 --> 00:15:57,948 Fellas, what's on your mind today? 367 00:15:57,948 --> 00:15:59,752 Is it me, or does it seem like no one knows how 368 00:15:59,752 --> 00:16:02,390 to coil a garden hose anymore? 369 00:16:04,294 --> 00:16:06,165 Remember sports guys you liked? 370 00:16:06,265 --> 00:16:09,437 - Oh, yeah. - Totally. - I like those guys. 371 00:16:12,044 --> 00:16:14,515 Um, you know what, let's take a break. 372 00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:15,517 We'll be right back. 373 00:16:15,617 --> 00:16:18,924 - Oh, my God, it's happening. - What's happening? 374 00:16:18,924 --> 00:16:20,728 Ah, what are we doing? 375 00:16:20,728 --> 00:16:23,900 I started this 'cause there were no daytime talk shows with men, 376 00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:26,739 and Lois said that's because men eventually run out of things 377 00:16:26,839 --> 00:16:27,975 to say to each other. 378 00:16:27,975 --> 00:16:31,147 Well, looks like she was right. 379 00:16:32,952 --> 00:16:34,922 I don't want to be right. 380 00:16:34,922 --> 00:16:37,393 Lois? What are you all doing here? 381 00:16:37,393 --> 00:16:39,932 We came down to get this show canceled. 382 00:16:39,932 --> 00:16:41,536 Between the embarrassing content 383 00:16:41,536 --> 00:16:43,774 and you becoming so full of yourself at home, 384 00:16:43,774 --> 00:16:45,511 well, I thought it was the only option. 385 00:16:45,511 --> 00:16:47,748 But when I heard you admit you were wrong, 386 00:16:47,748 --> 00:16:51,154 I remembered why I married you in the first place. 387 00:16:51,254 --> 00:16:53,994 Because I proposed in an offensive Chinese accent, 388 00:16:53,994 --> 00:16:55,530 and you just wanted to get out of the restaurant? 389 00:16:55,630 --> 00:16:58,703 No, Peter, because beneath all your craziness, 390 00:16:58,703 --> 00:17:02,077 I know there's just a sweet, confused child. 391 00:17:02,177 --> 00:17:04,147 - Can I get a lizard? - No, Peter. 392 00:17:04,147 --> 00:17:05,283 But you said! 393 00:17:05,283 --> 00:17:07,054 Fine, you can get a lizard. 394 00:17:07,054 --> 00:17:08,891 I love you, Mom Lois. 395 00:17:08,891 --> 00:17:10,794 I love you, too, Peter. 396 00:17:10,895 --> 00:17:13,566 Can you watch my lizard? I'm bored of it. 397 00:17:16,939 --> 00:17:18,442 You really think seeing a therapist 398 00:17:18,442 --> 00:17:20,146 is the best way to get me to cry? 399 00:17:20,146 --> 00:17:22,985 Absolutely. And this guy is the best in town. 400 00:17:22,985 --> 00:17:25,190 See you next week, John. 401 00:17:25,190 --> 00:17:26,559 Looking forward to it. 402 00:17:26,659 --> 00:17:28,831 Man, there's nothing to do for that guy, 403 00:17:28,831 --> 00:17:30,634 but he's got insurance. 404 00:17:30,634 --> 00:17:32,771 Okay, who's Meg Griffin? 405 00:17:35,577 --> 00:17:38,583 So, I'm Dr. Matthews, but you can call me Brad. 406 00:17:38,583 --> 00:17:41,221 My Delta Chi brothers used to call me Crusher, 407 00:17:41,221 --> 00:17:42,958 so that's fair game, too. 408 00:17:43,058 --> 00:17:44,327 Wow, this guy rocks. 409 00:17:44,428 --> 00:17:46,600 Before we start, it's important to know 410 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:48,101 I only accept crypto. 411 00:17:48,101 --> 00:17:50,940 So Bitcoin, Dogecoin or Ethereum. 412 00:17:50,940 --> 00:17:53,179 Oh, actually, wait. Not Ethereum. 413 00:17:53,279 --> 00:17:55,517 Wait, wait, no. I-I don't, I don't anymore. 414 00:17:55,617 --> 00:17:58,055 Wait, yes, yes, I do, but you have to send it, 415 00:17:58,155 --> 00:17:59,357 like, right now. 416 00:17:59,457 --> 00:18:00,894 - Did you send it? - I did. 417 00:18:00,894 --> 00:18:02,931 No! Why did you do that?! 418 00:18:03,031 --> 00:18:05,971 Ooh, "Forget real estate. Invest in money 419 00:18:06,071 --> 00:18:08,108 you can't even see," they said. 420 00:18:08,242 --> 00:18:11,582 Okay, I guess let's talk about you. 421 00:18:11,582 --> 00:18:14,755 Well, earlier this week, I cried into some cookie dough, 422 00:18:14,855 --> 00:18:18,261 and my tears actually made the cookies taste incredible. 423 00:18:18,261 --> 00:18:21,603 So we started a successful cookie business using my tears. 424 00:18:21,603 --> 00:18:24,207 But now I'm too happy to cry anymore. 425 00:18:24,207 --> 00:18:26,646 But no tears means no money. 426 00:18:26,746 --> 00:18:29,184 Meg, have you considered the reason you're happy 427 00:18:29,184 --> 00:18:30,754 isn't because of the business? 428 00:18:30,754 --> 00:18:33,794 That maybe it's because you finally got to spend 429 00:18:33,794 --> 00:18:36,799 quality time bonding with the family members you love? 430 00:18:36,799 --> 00:18:40,406 Oh, snap. My man Crusher dropping knowledge bombs. 431 00:18:40,507 --> 00:18:43,914 Guys, is the money really worth the sister you love 432 00:18:43,914 --> 00:18:46,151 feeling badly about herself? 433 00:18:49,224 --> 00:18:50,994 - No. - It's not. 434 00:18:50,994 --> 00:18:52,999 The new Thom Browne line is out next week, 435 00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:54,702 so maybe? 436 00:18:54,802 --> 00:18:57,875 Wow, I can't believe you'd choose my happiness 437 00:18:58,009 --> 00:18:59,712 over all that money, you guys. 438 00:18:59,812 --> 00:19:01,381 That really means a lot. 439 00:19:01,481 --> 00:19:03,352 We just want you to be happy, Meg. 440 00:19:03,352 --> 00:19:05,891 Chris is right. We love you. 441 00:19:05,991 --> 00:19:08,696 Oh, I love you guys. 442 00:19:12,571 --> 00:19:14,408 Hey, where's that diploma from? 443 00:19:14,542 --> 00:19:16,044 Oh, that's not a diploma. 444 00:19:16,144 --> 00:19:18,449 That's a certificate for finishing the Big Bertha 445 00:19:18,449 --> 00:19:20,720 at Leo's Bar and Grill in Cincinnati. 446 00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:23,994 Got a T-shirt, too, but it's at the dry cleaners. 447 00:19:23,994 --> 00:19:26,031 Wow. Dry cleaning a T-shirt 448 00:19:26,131 --> 00:19:28,637 bragging about a regional food challenge? 449 00:19:28,637 --> 00:19:30,774 That's the dream. 450 00:19:33,679 --> 00:19:37,119 Honey, it's me. They fell for the whole Crusher routine. 451 00:19:37,119 --> 00:19:39,157 Oh, and their little cookie business? 452 00:19:39,157 --> 00:19:43,331 Let's just say I... took care of it. 453 00:20:05,276 --> 00:20:07,046 What happened last night? 454 00:20:07,146 --> 00:20:09,351 Oh, nothing. Just... just hit a home run 455 00:20:09,451 --> 00:20:10,921 in my softball game. 456 00:20:11,021 --> 00:20:12,925 No, I mean, I mean the building. 457 00:20:13,025 --> 00:20:15,362 Huh? Oh, huge gas leak. 458 00:20:15,362 --> 00:20:17,266 Won the game. Everybody's dead. 459 00:20:22,878 --> 00:20:26,117 Sorry I got carried away with my daytime talk show, Lois. 460 00:20:26,217 --> 00:20:27,922 Oh, Peter, I'm just glad you're home 461 00:20:27,922 --> 00:20:30,627 and still wearing television makeup for some reason. 462 00:20:30,728 --> 00:20:32,932 I don't know what you're talking about. 463 00:20:32,932 --> 00:20:35,604 Hey, sorry your cookie business didn't work out, Meg. 464 00:20:35,604 --> 00:20:37,473 Yeah, I guess it would have been pretty sweet 465 00:20:37,574 --> 00:20:40,213 to have a successful cookie business, but it's fine. 466 00:20:40,313 --> 00:20:42,785 You know, Meg, the way I see it, 467 00:20:42,785 --> 00:20:45,590 life's too darn short. 468 00:20:48,128 --> 00:20:49,631 Boy, that was brutal. 469 00:20:49,631 --> 00:20:51,503 Yeah, what a big waste of time. 470 00:20:51,503 --> 00:20:54,542 I know, it's like life really is too darn short. 471 00:20:54,542 --> 00:20:57,413 Huh. Maybe it was good. 472 00:20:57,413 --> 00:20:59,718 Screw it, I'm getting a shirt.