1 00:00:02,369 --> 00:00:04,538 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,538 --> 00:00:07,708 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,808 --> 00:00:11,412 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,412 --> 00:00:14,415 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,415 --> 00:00:18,052 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,052 --> 00:00:21,221 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,321 --> 00:00:22,957 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,957 --> 00:00:24,191 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:30,196 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:36,136 --> 00:00:37,237 There you are, Peter. 11 00:00:37,337 --> 00:00:39,172 Help me hang the stockings. 12 00:00:39,272 --> 00:00:41,742 Not now, Lois. It's time for my favorite holiday movie, 13 00:00:41,742 --> 00:00:43,110 Frosty the Snowman, 14 00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:45,378 where a hero takes a little girl into the woods 15 00:00:45,478 --> 00:00:49,049 and then brags that he can disappear whenever he wants. 16 00:00:51,285 --> 00:00:53,554 Huh. I can't see the TV. 17 00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:54,955 I must be dreaming. 18 00:00:54,955 --> 00:00:56,824 Which means nothing's real! 19 00:00:58,959 --> 00:01:01,328 No, Peter, stop! You're not dreaming! 20 00:01:01,328 --> 00:01:03,463 Yeah, and why was that your first move? 21 00:01:03,463 --> 00:01:05,699 The TV's gone. We're cutting the cord. 22 00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:08,168 We need money for Christmas gifts, so I sold it. 23 00:01:08,168 --> 00:01:12,339 What?! This rageful anger calls for alcohol! 24 00:01:13,373 --> 00:01:14,374 Where's Brian? 25 00:01:14,374 --> 00:01:15,375 Peter, stop it. 26 00:01:15,476 --> 00:01:17,144 What am I supposed to do without a TV? 27 00:01:17,144 --> 00:01:18,445 Hang out at the Gap? 28 00:01:18,445 --> 00:01:21,048 Could you please point me to your blandest shirt? 29 00:01:21,148 --> 00:01:23,684 One that I'm guaranteed to see four other guys wearing 30 00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:25,052 before I even get to my car. 31 00:01:25,185 --> 00:01:26,453 Sure, it's right over there. 32 00:01:26,453 --> 00:01:27,721 Just be careful while you're browsing 33 00:01:27,821 --> 00:01:30,657 that you don't lose track of which white guy is you. 34 00:01:31,625 --> 00:01:33,327 Oh, that looks good on me. 35 00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:35,062 The Gap, the only clothing store 36 00:01:35,062 --> 00:01:36,063 named for a taint. 37 00:01:36,063 --> 00:01:37,297 Located between Vera Wang 38 00:01:37,297 --> 00:01:39,032 and the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. 39 00:01:39,032 --> 00:01:41,201 Look, I know this seems like a big change, 40 00:01:41,201 --> 00:01:43,070 but we don't need a television anymore. 41 00:01:43,070 --> 00:01:46,073 Yeah, Dad. A single TV console is outdated. 42 00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:48,609 Everyone just streams now on their individual devices. 43 00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:52,279 Who is this person who speaks to me as if I needed his advice? 44 00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:55,382 Dad, I'm just trying to bring you into the modern era. 45 00:01:55,382 --> 00:01:57,017 I see. 46 00:02:00,153 --> 00:02:01,588 Quiet up there! 47 00:02:01,688 --> 00:02:03,990 Sorry! Just demonstrating I'm still relevant 48 00:02:03,990 --> 00:02:06,060 by making a very old movie reference! 49 00:02:06,193 --> 00:02:07,561 Peter, Meg was right. 50 00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:10,797 We don't need a TV in the golden age of streaming. 51 00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:12,165 "Golden age of streaming"? 52 00:02:12,165 --> 00:02:14,168 Look, my streams are sporadic at best. 53 00:02:14,168 --> 00:02:15,369 And last week, there was blood. 54 00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:19,073 Can we have one holiday where we don't discuss Dad's rod? 55 00:02:19,173 --> 00:02:21,308 Besides, all my shows are on network television. 56 00:02:21,408 --> 00:02:23,610 How the hell am I supposed to watch Chicago Fire 57 00:02:23,610 --> 00:02:25,312 - without a TV? - Who cares? 58 00:02:25,412 --> 00:02:27,147 It's a lazy, formulaic show. 59 00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:29,149 And it's not even filmed in Chicago. 60 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:30,684 Yeah, right. Tell that to the boys 61 00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:31,952 putting out a blaze this week 62 00:02:31,952 --> 00:02:33,620 in the famed Chicago Hills. 63 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:36,056 It almost burned down the Chicagowood Sign! 64 00:02:36,056 --> 00:02:37,258 Peter, stop it. 65 00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:38,926 God, you're going in circles, 66 00:02:38,926 --> 00:02:40,460 like a desert vulture. 67 00:02:40,460 --> 00:02:42,729 Hey, maybe we shouldn't always fly in a circle. 68 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:45,766 Sure. And maybe I can also have rough sex with your mother. 69 00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:47,200 Whoa! Come on. 70 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:49,769 Well, that's how I feel about your idea. 71 00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:55,575 We now return to Frosty the Snowman. 72 00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:58,912 There was indeed some magic in that old silk hat, 73 00:02:58,912 --> 00:03:00,948 along with duct tape, zip ties 74 00:03:01,048 --> 00:03:03,050 and some very troubling Polaroids. 75 00:03:03,050 --> 00:03:05,086 See? This is the kind of wholesome stuff 76 00:03:05,086 --> 00:03:06,120 I'll miss without a TV. 77 00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:09,056 Lois is right, Peter. Network television stinks. 78 00:03:09,156 --> 00:03:10,924 Streaming is way more entertaining. 79 00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:13,160 Yeah? Name one good show on "streaming." 80 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:14,327 Mare of Easttown! 81 00:03:14,461 --> 00:03:15,929 - Fargo! - True Detective. 82 00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:17,631 - American Rust! - Broadchurch. 83 00:03:17,631 --> 00:03:20,400 That isn't about a person attempting to navigate life 84 00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:23,036 in a small town in the aftermath of a murder. 85 00:03:23,837 --> 00:03:26,306 Look, come on, just-just give streaming a chance. 86 00:03:26,306 --> 00:03:27,708 Don't you want to watch something where, 87 00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:30,744 if you miss even a second, you're hopelessly confused? 88 00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:33,046 Yeah! Or a great premise, 89 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,982 which puts a lot of balls in the air, 90 00:03:35,082 --> 00:03:37,151 followed by a horribly disappointing ending 91 00:03:37,151 --> 00:03:38,418 that drops all of them? 92 00:03:38,418 --> 00:03:39,587 And on HBO Max, 93 00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:40,954 sometimes after the credits, 94 00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:42,957 you can watch the actors talk about the show. 95 00:03:42,957 --> 00:03:46,126 Yeah, I don't just want to see Connie Britton do a good job. 96 00:03:46,126 --> 00:03:48,094 I want to see Connie Britton talking 97 00:03:48,094 --> 00:03:49,897 about the good job she just did. 98 00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:51,498 You know what I'm not hearing, guys? 99 00:03:51,498 --> 00:03:53,734 Cedric the Entertainer telling a white guy 100 00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:55,202 that he doesn't walk the right way. 101 00:03:55,336 --> 00:03:58,839 Hmm. I may have to side with Peter now. 102 00:03:58,839 --> 00:03:59,906 And you also haven't told me 103 00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:01,441 about a single show with Sheldon. 104 00:04:01,441 --> 00:04:03,410 For every program, I want to know, 105 00:04:03,511 --> 00:04:04,578 is there a Sheldon 106 00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:06,079 and at what stage of life is he? 107 00:04:06,212 --> 00:04:09,082 He is the perfect dumb guy's version of a smart guy. 108 00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,985 And I demand him on my television! 109 00:04:11,085 --> 00:04:14,622 All right. I think I see how to untangle this knot. 110 00:04:14,622 --> 00:04:16,456 Last Tango in Halifax. 111 00:04:16,556 --> 00:04:18,325 - What? - You've never heard of Tango? 112 00:04:18,325 --> 00:04:21,795 Well, Anne Reid and Derek Jacobi play Celia and Alan, 113 00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:26,100 a couple reunited in their 70s after 60 years apart. 114 00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:29,136 Sarah Lancashire plays Celia's formidable daughter, 115 00:04:29,136 --> 00:04:30,170 Caroline. And N-- 116 00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:36,043 Look, guys, I j-- I don't like gritty, convoluted television. 117 00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:39,413 I like the simple, comforting joy of network TV. 118 00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:42,049 Peter, the point of TV isn't joy anymore. 119 00:04:42,049 --> 00:04:44,051 It's to destroy you emotionally. 120 00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:45,719 Who the hell wants to watch something happy 121 00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:47,721 when you can watch Koreans fight to the death? 122 00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:50,991 Well, I disagree. And I'm not letting Lois get away with this. 123 00:04:51,091 --> 00:04:52,392 'Cause I miss my shows. 124 00:04:52,392 --> 00:04:54,061 Like the comedy of Black-ish 125 00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:56,229 or those classic New York conversations 126 00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:57,765 at the beginning of Law & Order. 127 00:04:57,865 --> 00:05:00,334 Hey, you see that Aaron Judge baseball hit last night? 128 00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:03,604 Sure did. Right here in one of our five boroughs. 129 00:05:03,604 --> 00:05:04,705 Oh, no! 130 00:05:04,705 --> 00:05:08,241 I bet you a slice of New York pizza pie he's dead! 131 00:05:12,178 --> 00:05:15,548 I can't believe you buy milk and bras at the same place. 132 00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:16,917 God, we're trash. 133 00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:18,452 What? Where's the fridge? 134 00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:20,887 I sold it. You get rid of the things I love, 135 00:05:20,887 --> 00:05:22,456 I get rid of the things you love. 136 00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:25,559 I also sold that tiny Jewish hat you keep in the bathroom. 137 00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:27,194 That was my diaphragm. 138 00:05:27,194 --> 00:05:29,963 Ah. Well, Mort's gonna have a rough day at temple. 139 00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:31,965 Look, just give streaming a shot. 140 00:05:32,099 --> 00:05:33,366 After all, it can't be any worse 141 00:05:33,366 --> 00:05:35,436 than when we went to the Florida panhandle. 142 00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:39,406 Mmm. Ah, this shrimp is delicious. 143 00:05:41,075 --> 00:05:42,710 Oh, God, my wife's choking! 144 00:05:42,810 --> 00:05:44,645 Is there a doctor in the house?! 145 00:05:44,645 --> 00:05:46,580 College graduate? 146 00:05:46,580 --> 00:05:48,114 High school graduate? 147 00:05:48,882 --> 00:05:51,085 Some high school with vocational degree? 148 00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:54,655 Whoever gets the shrimp out of her windpipe can have it! 149 00:06:00,661 --> 00:06:03,397 Well, I guess it's time to try this streaming thing. 150 00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:05,065 Hey, what's our Netflix password? 151 00:06:05,166 --> 00:06:07,334 Uh, I don't know. I use Quagmire's. 152 00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:09,302 Squirrel Hunter? 153 00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:12,206 The Truth About Kicking Your Leg During Sleep? 154 00:06:12,306 --> 00:06:15,075 Only the Otis Scenes of Milo and Otis? 155 00:06:15,175 --> 00:06:18,045 And Thirsty Romanian Coeds. All right! 156 00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:19,012 We do have some overlap. 157 00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:22,082 Okay, I guess I'll click "Forgot Password." 158 00:06:22,182 --> 00:06:25,085 Now it's asking me to pick all the stoplights in a picture. 159 00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:27,354 Huh. A stoplight in front of a movie theater 160 00:06:27,454 --> 00:06:29,690 with a marquee reading Spotlight. 161 00:06:29,690 --> 00:06:31,157 This might be a trick. 162 00:06:31,157 --> 00:06:34,160 All right, "What is the first concert you attended?" 163 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:37,631 "Smash Mouth, the time they got bread thrown at them." 164 00:06:37,631 --> 00:06:39,332 "Favorite pet?" 165 00:06:39,432 --> 00:06:41,735 Wait, you're not gonna write "Bartholomew," are you? 166 00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:43,170 No, no, no. I would never do that. 167 00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:45,305 ♪ Bartholomew, Bartholomew ♪ 168 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:48,609 ♪ I'm dancing with my favorite dog, Bartholomew! ♪ 169 00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:52,313 Kevin James?! 170 00:06:52,413 --> 00:06:55,015 Hi, Peter. You were my last viewer. 171 00:06:55,015 --> 00:06:57,151 And now that you've gotten rid of network TV, 172 00:06:57,151 --> 00:06:58,285 I'm out of a job. 173 00:06:58,385 --> 00:07:00,053 Well, you're a sitcom dad, 174 00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:02,589 so if the couch accepts you, you can come in. 175 00:07:06,727 --> 00:07:09,029 Road couch. 176 00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:15,869 Wow! Kevin James! 177 00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:17,138 I can't believe you're here! 178 00:07:17,271 --> 00:07:18,638 Hey, guys, we got company! 179 00:07:18,739 --> 00:07:20,007 No nude wandering! 180 00:07:20,007 --> 00:07:22,943 Well, so much for Full Frontal Fridays. 181 00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:25,179 Wait, triple "F" is a no-go? 182 00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:27,715 Look, I'm here because now that I don't have 183 00:07:27,715 --> 00:07:29,617 any viewers or a job, 184 00:07:29,717 --> 00:07:31,619 I need you to take care of me. 185 00:07:31,719 --> 00:07:32,920 What, is that some kind of rule? 186 00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:33,988 Of course it is, Lois. 187 00:07:34,088 --> 00:07:36,623 In network TV, if someone shows up at your door, 188 00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:37,758 you have to take care of 'em. 189 00:07:37,758 --> 00:07:39,192 It's the pilot of most shows. 190 00:07:39,192 --> 00:07:41,195 Oh, really? Name 50. 191 00:07:41,195 --> 00:07:43,030 New Girl, Two and a Half Men, 192 00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:44,931 Punky Brewster, Perfect Strangers, 193 00:07:45,031 --> 00:07:46,166 Frasier, Will & Grace, 194 00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:48,201 Friends, Joey, Home Economics, 195 00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:50,137 Mom, Dads, Cheers, 196 00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:51,872 Hope & Faith, Raising Hope, 197 00:07:51,872 --> 00:07:53,274 Full House, Fuller House, 198 00:07:53,407 --> 00:07:54,775 - King of Queens-- - That's good. 199 00:07:54,875 --> 00:07:56,243 - I-I think we get it. - Oh, no, no. 200 00:07:56,343 --> 00:07:58,545 No, this is a "name all 50" kind of show. 201 00:07:58,545 --> 00:08:00,747 Too Close for Comfort, Mork & Mindy, 202 00:08:00,747 --> 00:08:02,449 The Nanny, Mr. Belvedere, 203 00:08:02,449 --> 00:08:04,551 The United States of Al, Yes, Dear, 204 00:08:04,551 --> 00:08:07,087 Down and Out in Beverly Hills, the TV series, 205 00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:08,655 Rhoda, Golden Girls, 206 00:08:08,755 --> 00:08:10,757 Alf, Meego, Empty Nest, 207 00:08:10,857 --> 00:08:12,159 Wings, My Two Dads, 208 00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:14,194 Evening Shade, I Dream of Jeannie, 209 00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:15,729 Off Centre, Webster, 210 00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:18,298 The Bernie Mac Show, The Return of Jezebel James, 211 00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:20,701 Aliens in America, Last Man on Earth, 212 00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:22,203 Union Square, Bram & Alice, 213 00:08:22,203 --> 00:08:24,204 The Grinder, Bleep My Dad Says, 214 00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:25,773 The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, 215 00:08:25,773 --> 00:08:27,140 Damon, Happy Endings, 216 00:08:27,140 --> 00:08:29,009 Big Brother Jake, Three's Company, 217 00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:30,945 Mama's Family and Who's the Boss? 218 00:08:30,945 --> 00:08:33,347 Oh, yeah? Name 50 more. 219 00:08:34,781 --> 00:08:36,617 Silver Spoons, The Odd Couple, 220 00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:37,852 The New Odd Couple... 221 00:08:37,852 --> 00:08:39,152 Diff'rent Strokes and-- 222 00:08:39,286 --> 00:08:41,755 Oh, my God! She hung herself! 223 00:08:41,755 --> 00:08:43,023 Nah, nah, that's from Airplane. 224 00:08:43,157 --> 00:08:44,558 We do that kind of stuff, too. 225 00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:46,092 You can stay. 226 00:08:49,230 --> 00:08:51,531 Family, meet Kevin. 227 00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:52,666 Wow! 228 00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:55,402 I guess black dress shirts aren't just for magicians. 229 00:08:55,502 --> 00:08:58,873 Peter, you can't just invite him to stay here. 230 00:08:58,873 --> 00:09:00,874 Come on, Lois. When you got rid of the TV, 231 00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:02,242 did you really think it wouldn't end 232 00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:04,044 with me bunking with Kevin James? 233 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,914 So, Kevin, what's Mandy Patinkin like? 234 00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:08,649 Uh, I don't know. Never met him. 235 00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:11,418 I thought you said this guy was a [bleep] star. 236 00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:13,287 Hey, Brian, when are you going to try to impress 237 00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:15,756 our Hollywood guest with your writerly chops? 238 00:09:15,756 --> 00:09:18,525 Uh, your mouth's moving! You're already rehearsing it. 239 00:09:18,525 --> 00:09:21,528 So, Kevin, the Hollywood game can be pretty tough, huh? 240 00:09:21,528 --> 00:09:23,764 Do you have Hollywood experience? 241 00:09:23,864 --> 00:09:25,765 Well, actually-- 242 00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:27,534 He sure does! We went out there once, 243 00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:29,503 and on day one, Brian bit a Culkin. 244 00:09:29,503 --> 00:09:31,572 Tried to pet him without showing his hand first 245 00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:32,873 and, boom, fingers gone. 246 00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:33,840 I need to see the hand! 247 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,609 It's how I know he's not an aggressor. 248 00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:37,077 Kevin, I don't understand. 249 00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:38,745 How can you be out of work? 250 00:09:38,879 --> 00:09:40,480 You're not just a television actor-- 251 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:41,915 you're a movie star! 252 00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:44,051 Movie star? Come on. 253 00:09:44,051 --> 00:09:46,920 I mean, I guess Paul Blart did make 200 million 254 00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:48,388 on a shoestring budget, 255 00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:50,925 I was the single most bankable comedy actor 256 00:09:50,925 --> 00:09:52,460 of the last two decades 257 00:09:52,460 --> 00:09:55,696 and the Audience Score on Grown Ups was very respectable. 258 00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:58,599 Eh, the last one doesn't seem to measure up with the first two. 259 00:09:58,599 --> 00:10:02,503 But everything I had was because people knew me from network TV. 260 00:10:02,603 --> 00:10:04,004 And now that's over. 261 00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:06,240 So, Peter, what are we gonna do after dinner? 262 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:07,875 Get a large bowl of popcorn 263 00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:10,878 and watch the big game in our sports uniforms? 264 00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:12,279 Yeah, Kevin, uh, I think 265 00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:14,915 you've only watched sporting events on TV shows. 266 00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:16,416 Nobody calls it "the big game" 267 00:10:16,416 --> 00:10:18,385 or makes a large bowl of popcorn. 268 00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:20,387 But then what's gonna fly all over the place 269 00:10:20,387 --> 00:10:22,022 when we get excited? 270 00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:23,924 Okay. A-All right, all right, that's fair. 271 00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:26,026 All right, look, Kevin can stay for dinner, 272 00:10:26,026 --> 00:10:27,261 but then he has to leave. 273 00:10:27,261 --> 00:10:28,928 But he doesn't have anywhere else to go! 274 00:10:28,928 --> 00:10:30,363 And this whole thing is our fault. 275 00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:32,465 Come on, look at him-- he's got no idea 276 00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,535 what life outside of sitcoms is like. 277 00:10:34,535 --> 00:10:37,671 I tell you what-- I'll show him how to be a real real guy 278 00:10:37,771 --> 00:10:39,673 and not just a sitcom real guy, 279 00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:41,542 and then he'll be on his way. 280 00:10:41,642 --> 00:10:42,876 Fine. 281 00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:45,178 I guess I can't kick someone out on Christmas. 282 00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:47,014 But where's he gonna sleep? 283 00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:48,982 Don't worry. I got that all figured out. 284 00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:50,885 You won't even notice he's there. 285 00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:58,025 In network TV, what someone says won't happen, 286 00:10:58,025 --> 00:10:59,626 that's what's gonna happen. 287 00:11:07,568 --> 00:11:09,136 Hey, where's Kevin? I thought we were gonna show him 288 00:11:09,136 --> 00:11:10,270 how regular guys drink. 289 00:11:10,404 --> 00:11:11,705 We are, but he's still adjusting, 290 00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:13,873 and he won't enter a room until his warm-up guy 291 00:11:13,873 --> 00:11:14,875 works the crowd. 292 00:11:14,975 --> 00:11:16,877 - So, where you folks from? - Quahog. 293 00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:18,278 Oh, Quahog. 294 00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:20,013 I'll talk a little slower. 295 00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:22,016 - Aw, he got me. - I'm just kidding. 296 00:11:22,016 --> 00:11:24,185 And, hey, thank you for your service. 297 00:11:24,285 --> 00:11:25,886 Oh, I was never in the military. 298 00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:28,321 I was talking to the booth holding you up. 299 00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:31,424 Oh, damn it, he got me again! This guy's too quick. 300 00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,560 All right, everyone, Kevin's gonna be out in a moment, 301 00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:36,496 so remember, he feeds off your energy. 302 00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:39,766 So the better you are, the better Kevin's gonna be. 303 00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:42,469 Hi, guys. Great to see you tonight. 304 00:11:43,270 --> 00:11:45,406 Wait, he couldn't just think of that? 305 00:11:45,506 --> 00:11:48,642 And doesn't Peter Griffin look handsome? 306 00:11:48,642 --> 00:11:50,477 I took the cue cards. 307 00:11:50,578 --> 00:11:53,013 I grabbed him from behind too hard, 308 00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:54,614 and now he's not moving. 309 00:11:57,417 --> 00:11:59,519 Hey, Kevin, was that lady always pressuring you 310 00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:00,654 to join Scientology? 311 00:12:00,654 --> 00:12:03,590 No. I'm a devout Catholic, and that's even weirder. 312 00:12:03,690 --> 00:12:06,193 Did you know that when unbaptized babies die, 313 00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:08,629 they go into limbo until the Pope said 314 00:12:08,629 --> 00:12:09,863 that wasn't a thing anymore? 315 00:12:09,964 --> 00:12:13,400 Yeah, my grandpa went to hell for eating meat on Fridays. 316 00:12:15,002 --> 00:12:16,736 Worth it. 317 00:12:19,540 --> 00:12:21,108 Well, Kevin, it's time to teach you 318 00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:24,678 how real blue-collar guys pay real bills in real life. 319 00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:26,613 See this? It's a mortgage bill. 320 00:12:26,747 --> 00:12:28,749 And this is how it gets paid. 321 00:12:28,749 --> 00:12:30,517 Mr. Pewterschmidt, it's Peter. 322 00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:32,920 - Please pay my mortgage. - Damn it, Griffin! 323 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:35,155 I'm crying, Mr. Pewterschmidt, I'm crying. 324 00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:37,091 I know you're crying. Act like a man. 325 00:12:37,091 --> 00:12:39,593 I can't. I'm not a man. And if you don't pay it, 326 00:12:39,593 --> 00:12:41,828 I'm gonna hurt myself and your grandchildren. 327 00:12:41,828 --> 00:12:44,331 - Stop threatening me. - It's not a threat if I do it. 328 00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,167 It's not a threat if I do it. 329 00:12:46,167 --> 00:12:48,168 - Okay, okay, I'll pay it. - Thank you. 330 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:51,471 All right, now to show you how to pay a utility bill. 331 00:12:52,839 --> 00:12:55,142 - Hello? - Kevin, it's Peter. 332 00:12:55,142 --> 00:12:57,377 I really messed up, man. 333 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:03,617 Good news. I got my first real job 334 00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:05,285 as an actual UPS guy. 335 00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:07,054 They said I was the last non-robot 336 00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:08,521 they're ever gonna hire. 337 00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:09,823 That's great, buddy. 338 00:13:09,923 --> 00:13:11,959 You narrowly escaped becoming a realtor. 339 00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:15,028 Hi. Are you the realtor for this property? 340 00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:17,131 I am. I blew out my shoulder 341 00:13:17,131 --> 00:13:19,967 playing minor league baseball, so now I do this. 342 00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:23,003 never anyone's plan A. 343 00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:24,638 And I also started dating a woman 344 00:13:24,638 --> 00:13:27,174 who looks like she actually belongs with me. 345 00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:30,411 She has the most negative dating app page I've ever seen. 346 00:13:30,411 --> 00:13:32,613 "Wants to know where all the good men are. 347 00:13:32,613 --> 00:13:35,849 Integrity only. I will not cosign a loan," 348 00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:37,251 with the "not" underlined. 349 00:13:37,251 --> 00:13:40,054 And a picture of her dog that says, "The only man 350 00:13:40,054 --> 00:13:42,256 who's never lied to me." Oh, this is great. 351 00:13:42,256 --> 00:13:45,625 Yeah, I think I'm a real real guy now, Peter. 352 00:13:45,725 --> 00:13:47,194 You sure are. You see, Kev, 353 00:13:47,294 --> 00:13:49,296 nothing's gonna stop you in the real world 354 00:13:49,396 --> 00:13:52,032 except for your own cardiovascular system. 355 00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:54,434 Hey, I'm only heavy 'cause Adam Sandler made me 356 00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:56,637 gain 60 pounds to be in his movies. 357 00:13:56,737 --> 00:13:58,438 I was Ethel to his Lucy. 358 00:13:58,538 --> 00:14:01,741 Anyway, I owe you, Peter. Put it there. 359 00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:05,879 Aah! What happened to your hand? 360 00:14:05,879 --> 00:14:09,884 I-I don't know. It-It's disappearing. 361 00:14:09,884 --> 00:14:12,186 Were you also bit by Brian? 362 00:14:12,186 --> 00:14:14,387 That's the Culkin. 363 00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:22,796 Let me guess, one of you chuckleheads 364 00:14:22,896 --> 00:14:24,565 has a nutcracker inside you. 365 00:14:24,565 --> 00:14:26,400 - What? No. - Hi. 366 00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:28,902 We're nonjudgmental interns just here to observe. 367 00:14:28,902 --> 00:14:30,337 False alarm. Not what I thought. 368 00:14:30,337 --> 00:14:31,838 Aww. 369 00:14:31,838 --> 00:14:32,906 Whenever interns observe, 370 00:14:33,006 --> 00:14:34,674 it's because we think you put something in there. 371 00:14:34,674 --> 00:14:37,611 Listen, Doctor, I need you to help my friend Kevin. 372 00:14:37,611 --> 00:14:39,512 Oh, my God, Kevin James! 373 00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:41,548 You know, you owe your career to me. 374 00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:44,451 I'm the doctor who couldn't save John Candy. 375 00:14:44,451 --> 00:14:47,188 Doctor, my hand, it's disappearing, 376 00:14:47,188 --> 00:14:49,089 and I don't know what to do. 377 00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:52,293 Kevin, your arm. It's getting worse. 378 00:14:52,293 --> 00:14:55,162 Hmm. I think I see what's going on here. 379 00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:56,430 Kevin is fading away 380 00:14:56,530 --> 00:14:58,766 because streaming has made him irrelevant. 381 00:14:58,899 --> 00:15:00,401 Is there anything we can do for him? 382 00:15:00,401 --> 00:15:03,403 Yes. Sitcom stars like Kevin clearly need the laughs 383 00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:06,039 of a studio audience, or he may disappear forever. 384 00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:08,008 His hair was disappearing, too, 385 00:15:08,008 --> 00:15:10,144 but I assume he took care of that another way. 386 00:15:10,144 --> 00:15:11,912 Is there someone I can talk to? 387 00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:14,614 Ah, there's our guy. Interns! 388 00:15:17,418 --> 00:15:19,887 Guys, we gotta get Kevin back on TV. 389 00:15:19,887 --> 00:15:21,121 So ideas. Go. 390 00:15:21,221 --> 00:15:23,090 Kevin plays a large robot, 391 00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:25,126 and it's called Big Wonder. 392 00:15:25,126 --> 00:15:27,328 Not bad, not bad. Okay, what else? 393 00:15:27,428 --> 00:15:30,730 A show in which Kevin moves in with a woman named Betsy, 394 00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:34,168 and it's called Kevins to Betsy. 395 00:15:34,168 --> 00:15:36,870 Or he's the seventh in a long line of Kevins, 396 00:15:36,870 --> 00:15:38,005 for Seventh Kevin. 397 00:15:38,005 --> 00:15:39,607 Yeah, they don't all have to be puns 398 00:15:39,607 --> 00:15:40,774 built around the name Kevin. 399 00:15:40,774 --> 00:15:43,877 Guys, I think we were all laughing at Big Wonder. 400 00:15:43,877 --> 00:15:45,145 We're not doing Big Wonder. 401 00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:47,181 Why? Because you didn't think of it? 402 00:15:47,281 --> 00:15:50,017 Chris, the brainstorming process is admittedly messy, 403 00:15:50,117 --> 00:15:52,118 but let's try to stay away from personal attacks. 404 00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:55,655 I have an idea. I'm a stepdad with six daughters, 405 00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:58,292 and it's called Daddy's Girls. 406 00:15:58,292 --> 00:16:00,060 I don't know. Not sure I see the hook. 407 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:03,197 And I trick them into washing my car in their bikinis 408 00:16:03,297 --> 00:16:05,165 while I hide in the backseat. 409 00:16:05,165 --> 00:16:06,433 Okay, now I love it. 410 00:16:06,433 --> 00:16:08,502 It's not just funny, it's smart. 411 00:16:08,602 --> 00:16:09,904 You know, I'm on GoDaddy, 412 00:16:10,037 --> 00:16:12,873 and the domain name "Big Wonder" is available. 413 00:16:12,973 --> 00:16:15,208 - Chris, stop pushing this. - Oh, really? 414 00:16:15,208 --> 00:16:18,045 'Cause if Kevin pitched it, you'd put your mouth on him. 415 00:16:18,145 --> 00:16:20,714 All right, that's it. You're grounded for life. 416 00:16:20,814 --> 00:16:23,216 Which was also a fat dad sitcom. 417 00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:25,352 Okay, all right, we've made up. 418 00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:27,788 I've got an idea. Kevin is a baker, 419 00:16:27,888 --> 00:16:29,256 and he adopts 12 children. 420 00:16:29,256 --> 00:16:30,657 The title writes itself. 421 00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:33,593 Yeah, and the tagline is "He's got muffin to lose." 422 00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:35,896 Okay, wow, all right, this is too good for Kevin. 423 00:16:35,896 --> 00:16:37,464 We have to write this now. 424 00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:40,468 You know why he's a baker? Because he kneads the dough. 425 00:16:40,468 --> 00:16:44,171 I love this poster. I mean show. 426 00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:47,374 Peter, my arm is almost gone now. 427 00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:48,976 Oh, God, what are we gonna do? 428 00:16:49,076 --> 00:16:50,510 Okay, come on, everyone. 429 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:53,013 It's time to go to city hall for the tree lighting. 430 00:16:53,013 --> 00:16:56,016 And Meg's in the nativity play as the Virgin Mary. 431 00:16:56,016 --> 00:16:58,418 Wait a minute. The nativity play. 432 00:16:58,418 --> 00:17:01,922 Kevin, I got an idea, and it's my best idea 433 00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:03,924 since I put hockey ice in the kitchen. 434 00:17:03,924 --> 00:17:06,259 Yay, waffles. 435 00:17:07,695 --> 00:17:10,230 Mine. Hockey house. 436 00:17:14,068 --> 00:17:15,903 Everyone, change of plans. 437 00:17:16,003 --> 00:17:17,271 This year we're gonna do a twist 438 00:17:17,271 --> 00:17:19,306 on the usual story of the King of Kings, 439 00:17:19,406 --> 00:17:22,609 with the "King of Queens," Kevin James. 440 00:17:26,012 --> 00:17:27,882 Peter, this isn't gonna work. 441 00:17:27,982 --> 00:17:29,382 Sure it will. The doctor said 442 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:31,184 you need live audience laughter. 443 00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:33,988 The conceit is he's a single dad with a baby. 444 00:17:33,988 --> 00:17:36,290 The conception may be immaculate, 445 00:17:36,290 --> 00:17:38,124 but the diaper sure isn't. 446 00:17:38,124 --> 00:17:40,561 Get off the stage. 447 00:17:40,561 --> 00:17:42,363 Network TV is stupid. 448 00:17:42,363 --> 00:17:44,865 Why does Jerry Stiller have such a big chest? 449 00:17:44,865 --> 00:17:47,033 Peter, my leg. 450 00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:51,071 Come on, guys, network TV isn't stupid. 451 00:17:51,071 --> 00:17:54,275 It-It's... It's like the Bible. 452 00:17:54,375 --> 00:17:55,876 Sure, the plot doesn't make sense 453 00:17:55,976 --> 00:17:56,844 if you think about it. 454 00:17:56,944 --> 00:17:58,445 The characters are a little over the top. 455 00:17:58,445 --> 00:18:01,314 Both tell the same tired stories again and again. 456 00:18:01,314 --> 00:18:03,484 No one ever seems to learn their lesson. 457 00:18:03,484 --> 00:18:04,318 And neither ever offers 458 00:18:04,418 --> 00:18:06,019 an authentic female point of view. 459 00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:07,721 Oh, if I can add to that-- 460 00:18:07,721 --> 00:18:09,156 Not now, Lois, I'm talking. 461 00:18:09,156 --> 00:18:12,325 But the point is, network TV... it makes you feel good. 462 00:18:12,325 --> 00:18:15,296 And when the rest of life is so exhausting and hard, 463 00:18:15,396 --> 00:18:17,931 isn't that all that's important? 464 00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:19,499 Peter, my other leg! 465 00:18:24,004 --> 00:18:25,572 Yes. Kevin, keep going. 466 00:18:25,572 --> 00:18:27,340 That went well. 467 00:18:29,143 --> 00:18:31,211 Well, there's the star of Bethlehem, 468 00:18:31,211 --> 00:18:34,615 which is one more star than I'm giving this inn on Yelp. 469 00:18:35,983 --> 00:18:37,351 Oh, that's so funny. 470 00:18:37,351 --> 00:18:38,151 I use Yelp. 471 00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:39,854 Do you think Ben Stiller's chest 472 00:18:39,854 --> 00:18:41,021 will pop out like his dad's? 473 00:18:41,021 --> 00:18:42,756 I just want to know what to expect. 474 00:18:42,756 --> 00:18:44,291 See, isn't this fun? 475 00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:47,027 Everyone laughing together at the same simple thing, 476 00:18:47,127 --> 00:18:49,196 instead of all of us on our individual devices 477 00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:51,632 watching depressing, complicated bull crap? 478 00:18:51,632 --> 00:18:55,469 We need Kevin James, and we need network TV. 479 00:18:55,569 --> 00:18:57,638 ♪ Joy to the world ♪ 480 00:18:57,738 --> 00:19:00,140 ♪ The Lord is come ♪ 481 00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:04,778 ♪ Let earth receive her King... ♪ 482 00:19:04,878 --> 00:19:07,615 Peter, my limbs. They're coming back. 483 00:19:07,748 --> 00:19:10,083 And that's not all. Look! 484 00:19:12,986 --> 00:19:14,454 It's old sitcom stars. 485 00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:16,156 They're coming out of the cornfield. 486 00:19:16,257 --> 00:19:18,358 It's Jenna Elfman. 487 00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:20,026 Tony Danza. 488 00:19:20,026 --> 00:19:21,328 And, uh... 489 00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:24,231 Traylor Howard, from Two Guys and a Girl. 490 00:19:24,331 --> 00:19:25,332 Yeah, you're not a star. 491 00:19:25,432 --> 00:19:26,333 You shouldn't be in the cornfield. 492 00:19:26,433 --> 00:19:29,303 But I was also in the later seasons of Monk. 493 00:19:29,303 --> 00:19:30,504 I see. 494 00:19:32,506 --> 00:19:35,175 Now your list of credits includes Castle. 495 00:19:35,175 --> 00:19:37,278 Hi, I'm Les Moonves Chen. 496 00:19:37,378 --> 00:19:39,413 And I'm hiding behind my wife's name now. 497 00:19:39,513 --> 00:19:42,148 Kevin, I'm looking for my own television comeback, 498 00:19:42,249 --> 00:19:45,386 and enough power that I can sexually harass doctors again. 499 00:19:45,386 --> 00:19:48,021 - And I'm anyone else. - I'll go with you. 500 00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:50,991 And to think I was about to kiss you. 501 00:19:50,991 --> 00:19:53,493 Kevin, let's go make a sitcom. 502 00:19:53,627 --> 00:19:55,028 I can't believe it. 503 00:19:55,028 --> 00:19:57,063 I'm gonna be on TV again. 504 00:19:57,163 --> 00:20:00,100 I'm going back to Hollywood. 505 00:20:05,939 --> 00:20:08,742 He's a Christmas miracle. 506 00:20:08,742 --> 00:20:11,011 Can I please have my TV back now? 507 00:20:11,011 --> 00:20:12,646 Yes, Peter, you can. 508 00:20:12,746 --> 00:20:14,548 Yay! Kiss me, Lois. 509 00:20:14,548 --> 00:20:16,650 And think about our marriage while we're kissing. 510 00:20:16,750 --> 00:20:17,684 Mm... 511 00:20:17,684 --> 00:20:20,054 ♪ Oh, Barkley, my Barkley ♪ 512 00:20:20,154 --> 00:20:22,255 ♪ The other dog we had. ♪ 513 00:20:27,795 --> 00:20:29,663 And that's Baker's Dozen. 514 00:20:29,763 --> 00:20:31,732 We're hoping you say yes. 515 00:20:31,732 --> 00:20:33,367 Or just roll with it. 516 00:20:34,568 --> 00:20:35,735 Great pitch, guys. 517 00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:38,372 This is exactly the kind of tagline-driven comedy 518 00:20:38,372 --> 00:20:40,141 - we're looking for. - Really? 519 00:20:40,241 --> 00:20:42,476 The only problem is we've already committed 520 00:20:42,476 --> 00:20:43,978 to another project: 521 00:20:43,978 --> 00:20:46,413 - Big Wonder. - Thank you, gentlemen. 522 00:20:46,413 --> 00:20:49,049 - What?! - He owns the rights to the domain name. 523 00:20:49,149 --> 00:20:50,751 That's a big deal in our world. 524 00:20:50,851 --> 00:20:52,052 Fine. We don't need you. 525 00:20:52,052 --> 00:20:54,821 We'll take this down the hall to Scott Rudin. 526 00:20:56,723 --> 00:20:58,292 He threw a computer at me. 527 00:20:58,292 --> 00:21:00,594 He didn't even ask who I was.