1 00:00:01,504 --> 00:00:04,543 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,543 --> 00:00:07,749 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,849 --> 00:00:11,456 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,456 --> 00:00:14,462 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,462 --> 00:00:18,103 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,103 --> 00:00:21,275 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,375 --> 00:00:23,013 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,013 --> 00:00:24,281 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,381 --> 00:00:30,260 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:34,369 --> 00:00:36,774 Ah, homecoming games are so exciting. 11 00:00:36,874 --> 00:00:40,113 It's like Friday Night Lights and I'm Connie Britton. 12 00:00:40,113 --> 00:00:41,415 Wrong, and nope. 13 00:00:41,516 --> 00:00:43,420 God, I wish I was the coach in the locker room 14 00:00:43,521 --> 00:00:45,826 giving an inspiring speech to the players. 15 00:00:45,826 --> 00:00:47,094 Gonna tell you the one thing 16 00:00:47,195 --> 00:00:48,698 every football player needs to know-- 17 00:00:48,798 --> 00:00:50,635 "When you kill yourself, don't touch the brain 18 00:00:50,635 --> 00:00:52,639 'cause they got to take it out and look at it." 19 00:00:52,639 --> 00:00:54,441 Yeah! 20 00:01:01,122 --> 00:01:03,728 Oh, no, it's Gayle-- the PTA president 21 00:01:03,728 --> 00:01:06,800 whose passive-aggression can drain your life force. 22 00:01:07,869 --> 00:01:09,405 Hi, Lois Griffin. 23 00:01:09,539 --> 00:01:11,777 So, you did know there was a game? 24 00:01:11,877 --> 00:01:14,850 Oh, hi, Gayle. Yeah, I knew. 25 00:01:14,850 --> 00:01:16,754 I'll take those cupcakes you made. 26 00:01:16,754 --> 00:01:20,327 Oh, you don't seem to have any to donate. 27 00:01:20,427 --> 00:01:22,364 No, I didn't have the time. 28 00:01:22,465 --> 00:01:24,837 You have three kids, I totally get it. 29 00:01:24,837 --> 00:01:27,241 I have four, and I work. 30 00:01:27,341 --> 00:01:29,479 Sometimes it's hard to read a short email. 31 00:01:29,479 --> 00:01:34,021 - Spam folder? - Oh, spam folder, yes. 32 00:01:34,121 --> 00:01:35,323 I don't have that problem 33 00:01:35,323 --> 00:01:37,796 because most of us got rid of AOL years ago. 34 00:01:37,896 --> 00:01:40,433 If you'll excuse me, 35 00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:44,576 I have to go find my husband, who makes $220,000 a year. 36 00:01:54,797 --> 00:01:57,635 Welcome to the Adam West High School homecoming game. 37 00:01:57,635 --> 00:02:00,039 If anyone is here to shoot the place up, 38 00:02:00,039 --> 00:02:02,912 please do it after the halftime show. 39 00:02:02,912 --> 00:02:04,381 The girls have worked very hard. 40 00:02:04,381 --> 00:02:06,520 But first, join me as we say goodbye 41 00:02:06,621 --> 00:02:10,628 to Adam West High's longest serving teacher, Mr. Trampledon. 42 00:02:10,728 --> 00:02:14,502 He's retiring after 50 years, and is known these days 43 00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:17,609 as the last teacher in school to employ a paddle 44 00:02:17,609 --> 00:02:20,881 and/or closed fist on misbehaving students. 45 00:02:20,881 --> 00:02:23,486 He was formally asked to stop doing that last week 46 00:02:23,486 --> 00:02:26,259 and... decided just to retire. 47 00:02:26,259 --> 00:02:28,463 And he'd better step lively or-- 48 00:02:30,668 --> 00:02:33,373 And... tonight's game is dedicated 49 00:02:33,373 --> 00:02:35,377 to the memory of Mr. Trampledon. 50 00:02:35,512 --> 00:02:38,483 And now, give it up for our Homecoming King and Queen. 51 00:02:38,483 --> 00:02:40,821 They're off to never leave town 52 00:02:40,821 --> 00:02:43,961 and slowly decay before our eyes. 53 00:02:43,961 --> 00:02:45,264 Next up, 54 00:02:45,397 --> 00:02:48,169 crowning our Homecoming Dunce, Chris Griffin! 55 00:02:48,269 --> 00:02:49,640 This is Chris Griffin's fourth win 56 00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:51,544 for Adam West High Homecoming Dunce, 57 00:02:51,544 --> 00:02:53,648 even though he's only a sophomore. 58 00:02:53,748 --> 00:02:56,854 Four years in a row is nothing to be proud of. 59 00:02:56,954 --> 00:02:59,324 Dynasty. 60 00:03:02,131 --> 00:03:03,199 We now return to Hulu's 61 00:03:03,299 --> 00:03:05,504 Pam and Tommy. Lee Jones. 62 00:03:05,504 --> 00:03:09,178 Baby, are you gonna steer the boat with your penis? 63 00:03:09,178 --> 00:03:12,184 Why would I engage in such foolishness? 64 00:03:12,184 --> 00:03:13,954 How you feeling after yesterday, Chris? 65 00:03:13,954 --> 00:03:17,127 Terrible. Every year I'm the Homecoming Dunce, 66 00:03:17,127 --> 00:03:20,033 and every year the bullying gets worse. 67 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:23,473 Hello, everyone. I have some news. 68 00:03:23,575 --> 00:03:25,344 I got an email from the school saying 69 00:03:25,444 --> 00:03:27,148 they're looking for a substitute teacher 70 00:03:27,248 --> 00:03:30,822 to replace Mr. Trampledon, and... I applied. 71 00:03:30,822 --> 00:03:32,124 And they accepted. 72 00:03:32,224 --> 00:03:33,560 - What? - Seriously? 73 00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:35,865 I don't know if that's "mute the TV" news. 74 00:03:35,865 --> 00:03:37,034 Mom, you can't! 75 00:03:37,134 --> 00:03:38,837 Don't you need a master's degree to teach? 76 00:03:38,971 --> 00:03:42,211 A master's degree is needed, and I told them I had one. 77 00:03:42,311 --> 00:03:43,447 You lied? 78 00:03:43,447 --> 00:03:45,651 I manifested success. 79 00:03:45,651 --> 00:03:48,758 I'm a woman in her 40s, so I manifest. 80 00:03:48,758 --> 00:03:52,331 Lying is just me taking action steps over the truth. 81 00:03:52,431 --> 00:03:54,334 The corpse of the truth. 82 00:03:54,334 --> 00:03:56,305 You can't just say you're a teacher. 83 00:03:56,405 --> 00:03:59,513 Oh, no? Every other man these days throws on a dress 84 00:03:59,613 --> 00:04:01,750 and suddenly he's a woman, so... 85 00:04:04,355 --> 00:04:06,627 Okay, I met with community leaders, 86 00:04:06,727 --> 00:04:08,429 and I'm going to learn and listen. 87 00:04:08,429 --> 00:04:10,066 Anyway, I'm a teacher now. 88 00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:12,370 You saw how unpopular I am at school. 89 00:04:12,470 --> 00:04:15,444 Having my mother as a teacher will make things worse. 90 00:04:15,444 --> 00:04:16,880 I thought about that, Chris, 91 00:04:16,980 --> 00:04:21,055 which is why I applied under the name Lois Pewterschmidt. 92 00:04:21,156 --> 00:04:23,259 But you've taught at Adam West before. 93 00:04:23,259 --> 00:04:24,596 People won't fall for it. 94 00:04:24,596 --> 00:04:26,499 Oh, maybe I'll wear a blonde wig? 95 00:04:26,499 --> 00:04:29,071 Might even add a sexy beauty mark 96 00:04:29,071 --> 00:04:30,608 so I look like Marilyn Monroe. 97 00:04:30,708 --> 00:04:33,346 Or Cindy Crawford? Or Eva Mendes? 98 00:04:33,447 --> 00:04:35,751 Or Gabriel Macht? The guy from Suits? 99 00:04:35,751 --> 00:04:38,323 That won't work. I don't want this. 100 00:04:38,423 --> 00:04:41,395 - I'm going to Bonnie's room! - You mean your room? 101 00:04:41,496 --> 00:04:44,202 No, Bonnie's room. 102 00:04:45,505 --> 00:04:47,207 Yeah, first Wednesday of every month, 103 00:04:47,307 --> 00:04:49,478 Bonnie visits her mom in the home. 104 00:04:49,579 --> 00:04:51,182 Oh. 105 00:04:51,182 --> 00:04:53,019 You know, when she and I do this, 106 00:04:53,153 --> 00:04:55,791 the first person to solve the final puzzle on Wheel 107 00:04:55,891 --> 00:04:57,795 doesn't have to pay for the pizza. 108 00:04:57,895 --> 00:05:01,803 Yeah, well, uh, Bonnie's not here. 109 00:05:08,349 --> 00:05:10,253 Glad to have you aboard, Miss Pewterschmidt. 110 00:05:10,253 --> 00:05:13,493 Let's show you around. There's our BLM banner. 111 00:05:13,493 --> 00:05:15,731 That should probably come down, 112 00:05:15,731 --> 00:05:18,069 I think we're all done with that. 113 00:05:18,069 --> 00:05:19,639 And our trophy case. 114 00:05:19,639 --> 00:05:21,544 We don't have many, so I've filled it out 115 00:05:21,644 --> 00:05:23,479 with other items of achievement. 116 00:05:23,479 --> 00:05:27,020 - Oh, is that you and--? - Counting Crows, yes. 117 00:05:27,020 --> 00:05:29,258 If you have an Amex Platinum, you can use points 118 00:05:29,392 --> 00:05:31,228 and get backstage at select concerts. 119 00:05:31,228 --> 00:05:33,133 You have an Amex Platinum? 120 00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:34,903 Nah, I was tenth caller on the radio. 121 00:05:34,903 --> 00:05:37,809 No yearly fees on a fast dialing finger. 122 00:05:37,809 --> 00:05:38,778 Life hack! 123 00:05:38,911 --> 00:05:41,516 Students, here's your new substitute teacher, 124 00:05:41,516 --> 00:05:42,919 Miss Pewterschmidt. 125 00:05:42,919 --> 00:05:44,422 Hello, people. 126 00:05:44,422 --> 00:05:48,029 What a nice group of young, fresh, unknown faces. 127 00:05:48,129 --> 00:05:50,601 Whoa! Check it out. A blonde. 128 00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:53,239 Ha, that means she starts at a B-minus. 129 00:05:53,239 --> 00:05:54,710 Look at that body. 130 00:05:54,710 --> 00:05:58,517 Today I'm learning numbers-- 36-24-36. 131 00:05:58,617 --> 00:06:00,621 Oh! I want to know when this went 132 00:06:00,721 --> 00:06:03,159 from history class to "wood" shop. 133 00:06:03,259 --> 00:06:06,834 Oh, doing too much physical stuff. 134 00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:10,240 Oh, my God. They're all leering at my mom. 135 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:12,110 This is more embarrassing than when Dad 136 00:06:12,110 --> 00:06:13,648 ruined my birthday party. 137 00:06:13,648 --> 00:06:16,887 Dad, is it almost time for the piñata? 138 00:06:16,887 --> 00:06:18,155 Dad? 139 00:06:19,158 --> 00:06:20,327 Dad? 140 00:06:20,327 --> 00:06:21,564 Chris! I think I screwed up 141 00:06:21,564 --> 00:06:23,166 the party job assignments. 142 00:06:23,166 --> 00:06:24,335 Ow! Damn it. 143 00:06:24,335 --> 00:06:26,439 I'm not full of candy, I'm a guy! 144 00:06:26,439 --> 00:06:28,677 Ooh, I am full of candy. 145 00:06:28,677 --> 00:06:30,614 Wait a minute, if I'm full of candy, 146 00:06:30,714 --> 00:06:32,217 where are my insides? 147 00:06:32,317 --> 00:06:34,121 I did it. I'm alive! 148 00:06:34,121 --> 00:06:37,061 Now to move in with my sister, Hilaria Baldwin. 149 00:06:53,727 --> 00:06:57,502 Oh, no! Cinematic text messages give everything away. 150 00:06:57,502 --> 00:06:59,539 So, Griffin, what's your problem? 151 00:06:59,639 --> 00:07:01,777 - What did you say? - What? 152 00:07:01,877 --> 00:07:04,583 - I said, "What did you say?" - What? 153 00:07:04,583 --> 00:07:06,987 This might go easier if you just let me sit 154 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:08,489 at the cool kids' table. 155 00:07:11,530 --> 00:07:15,337 Wow, I can't believe I'm at the cool kids' table. 156 00:07:15,337 --> 00:07:16,774 Hi, I'm Cody. 157 00:07:16,774 --> 00:07:18,443 Uh, here's some bread to start you off, 158 00:07:18,443 --> 00:07:20,782 and I'll be back in a moment to take your orders. 159 00:07:20,882 --> 00:07:23,219 Wow! Are those parmesan crisps? 160 00:07:23,319 --> 00:07:24,923 You can have the pumpernickel stick. 161 00:07:24,923 --> 00:07:27,361 Oh, that's the only thing I don't want. 162 00:07:27,461 --> 00:07:29,365 So, why were you weird with Miss Pewterschmidt? 163 00:07:29,498 --> 00:07:31,002 We're teens. We're horny for everything. 164 00:07:31,002 --> 00:07:33,974 If something's not totally repulsive, it's hot. 165 00:07:34,074 --> 00:07:35,410 Don't you think she's hot? 166 00:07:35,410 --> 00:07:39,686 Yeah, I guess she's a total hottie. 167 00:07:39,686 --> 00:07:40,822 What would you do with her? 168 00:07:40,922 --> 00:07:42,792 Like, if you went home with her tonight. 169 00:07:42,892 --> 00:07:45,865 We'd eat dinner, talk a bit. 170 00:07:45,865 --> 00:07:47,768 And then go upstairs and straight to bed. 171 00:07:47,768 --> 00:07:49,906 There you go. Now you're talking. 172 00:07:49,906 --> 00:07:52,411 Guys, a table just opened up on the terrace. 173 00:07:52,411 --> 00:07:55,818 - Oh, perfect. - Oh, no, we'll get that. 174 00:07:57,922 --> 00:08:00,226 I didn't even need the sweater. 175 00:08:00,226 --> 00:08:01,529 So Miss P., huh? 176 00:08:01,630 --> 00:08:03,701 I tell ya, I'd jump up her poodle skirt 177 00:08:03,701 --> 00:08:06,038 and say I'm the dog catcher. 178 00:08:08,376 --> 00:08:10,981 Man, it's like nobody can see or hear me. 179 00:08:11,081 --> 00:08:13,587 Things have been weird ever since me and Frenchy were 180 00:08:13,587 --> 00:08:16,292 drag racing for pink slips and-- 181 00:08:18,396 --> 00:08:20,333 Wait a minute. Am I dead? 182 00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:22,137 - Yes, you are. - You can see me? 183 00:08:22,237 --> 00:08:26,112 I can see all the dead. It is my gift... and my curse. 184 00:08:26,112 --> 00:08:30,086 Hey, Meg, the, uh, ghost toilet is clogged again. 185 00:08:30,186 --> 00:08:32,291 Requires a human fist. 186 00:08:38,069 --> 00:08:40,173 Quick, Chris, get in. 187 00:08:42,411 --> 00:08:44,114 You see what I see? 188 00:08:44,114 --> 00:08:47,321 Griffin's getting in the car with Miss Pewterschmidt! 189 00:08:47,321 --> 00:08:49,926 Aw, he works fast, dude. 190 00:08:51,295 --> 00:08:52,965 Quick, Chris, get down. 191 00:08:52,965 --> 00:08:56,205 Whoa! Griffin's a selfless lover. 192 00:08:56,305 --> 00:08:58,476 It's so great he's having sex. 193 00:09:00,379 --> 00:09:02,985 ♪ Guy friends gettin' horny ♪ 194 00:09:02,985 --> 00:09:05,725 ♪ About their guy friends having sex. ♪ 195 00:09:05,825 --> 00:09:07,661 There's nothing wrong with it. 196 00:09:14,241 --> 00:09:16,378 I'm beginning to think this whole teaching thing 197 00:09:16,378 --> 00:09:18,382 is a lot easier than they let on. 198 00:09:18,382 --> 00:09:20,220 Kids, when you're bagging groceries, 199 00:09:20,220 --> 00:09:23,159 do you ever wonder who invented the shopping bag? 200 00:09:23,259 --> 00:09:24,796 Margaret Knight? - It was Margaret-- 201 00:09:24,796 --> 00:09:26,332 You saw it on the board! 202 00:09:26,332 --> 00:09:28,336 Griffin, we saw you driving away 203 00:09:28,336 --> 00:09:30,140 with Miss Pewterschmidt yesterday. 204 00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:32,645 Did you score? If you closed the deal with a teacher, 205 00:09:32,745 --> 00:09:34,281 you'll be a legend forever. 206 00:09:35,083 --> 00:09:38,890 Well, let's just say, she and I slept. 207 00:09:38,890 --> 00:09:41,930 Together. Under the same roof. 208 00:09:42,030 --> 00:09:45,938 - All right! - Of course, we had dinner first. 209 00:09:45,938 --> 00:09:46,940 There you go. 210 00:09:47,074 --> 00:09:49,880 And then I ate her Outback Steakhouse salad, 211 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,651 - which she didn't want. - As someone who only listens 212 00:09:52,752 --> 00:09:55,524 to the first half of sentences, nice. 213 00:09:55,524 --> 00:09:57,562 - She single? - No, she's married. 214 00:09:57,662 --> 00:09:59,231 Her husband was there all night. 215 00:09:59,231 --> 00:10:02,170 I think they live together more as brother and sister 216 00:10:02,270 --> 00:10:03,540 than husband and wife. 217 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:05,644 Oh, happens to a lot of couples, I hear. 218 00:10:05,744 --> 00:10:07,180 There's a bit more going on. 219 00:10:07,180 --> 00:10:10,622 I don't think there's a lot of dew left on his lily, right? 220 00:10:10,622 --> 00:10:11,757 You know what, Griffin? 221 00:10:11,857 --> 00:10:15,698 We're gonna carry you out on our shoulders because of sex. 222 00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:17,034 All right, just be careful. 223 00:10:17,034 --> 00:10:19,673 Easy. I'm husky. 224 00:10:19,673 --> 00:10:22,712 Falling six feet for me is like nine feet for others. 225 00:10:22,712 --> 00:10:24,381 I don't feel supported! 226 00:10:27,254 --> 00:10:28,791 Well, Chris Griffin. 227 00:10:28,791 --> 00:10:32,330 Uh, hello, Miss Pewterschmidt. 228 00:10:32,330 --> 00:10:33,801 I'm so proud of you. 229 00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:35,370 I know you didn't want me to be your teacher, 230 00:10:35,370 --> 00:10:38,644 but it's such a thrill to see you making new friends. 231 00:10:38,644 --> 00:10:41,015 See you later, Chris Griffin. 232 00:10:41,115 --> 00:10:44,155 Hey, stud. The cheerleading squad decorated your locker. 233 00:10:44,155 --> 00:10:46,459 We do that for all the boys who "score." 234 00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:48,730 Wow. You guys decorated my locker? 235 00:10:48,730 --> 00:10:51,168 Well, the male cheerleaders did. 236 00:10:52,905 --> 00:10:56,980 We decorated it in what is known as the Hollywood Regency Style. 237 00:10:56,980 --> 00:11:00,120 A delightful blend of Art Deco themes and silhouettes. 238 00:11:00,220 --> 00:11:03,960 Did you notice the pop of color? The pop of color was my idea. 239 00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:09,539 Hey, I heard a weird rumor about you. 240 00:11:09,539 --> 00:11:11,208 Oh, that I took a trip to Jamaica 241 00:11:11,208 --> 00:11:12,846 and my room was robbed of everything 242 00:11:12,946 --> 00:11:14,850 except my camera and toothbrush? 243 00:11:14,950 --> 00:11:16,653 And then I carried on using my toothbrush, 244 00:11:16,653 --> 00:11:18,724 as one does on vacation, but when I got home, 245 00:11:18,824 --> 00:11:20,661 I developed my film and there was a picture 246 00:11:20,661 --> 00:11:24,401 of a Jamaican man using my Oral-B as his anal-B? 247 00:11:24,401 --> 00:11:28,142 Yeah, it sort of happened, but I was the Jamaican man. 248 00:11:28,243 --> 00:11:30,012 No, people are saying you're sleeping 249 00:11:30,012 --> 00:11:33,085 with "Miss Pewterschmidt," who is Mom. 250 00:11:33,085 --> 00:11:34,789 You do know she's Mom, right? 251 00:11:34,890 --> 00:11:36,358 I know she's Mom. 252 00:11:36,358 --> 00:11:37,795 And I may have said some things 253 00:11:37,895 --> 00:11:39,766 that made people think we're having sex. 254 00:11:39,766 --> 00:11:42,337 But the guys in class now think I'm cool. 255 00:11:42,471 --> 00:11:44,676 Chris, Mom could get arrested. 256 00:11:44,776 --> 00:11:46,680 Mom knew when she took this job 257 00:11:46,780 --> 00:11:49,652 there was a chance we'd wind up pretend-banging. 258 00:11:49,652 --> 00:11:52,023 I'm not going back to being unpopular. 259 00:11:52,123 --> 00:11:55,296 Well, Chris, tell me just one thing about Mom... 260 00:11:55,396 --> 00:11:56,733 is she bigger than me? 261 00:11:56,733 --> 00:11:58,604 This program is now "TV-MA" 262 00:11:58,604 --> 00:12:00,841 because of what Meg just said. 263 00:12:04,616 --> 00:12:06,786 Got to say, I'm pretty beat. 264 00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:10,093 Sleeping with Miss Pewterschmidt, 265 00:12:10,093 --> 00:12:11,963 but we're not sleeping, you know? 266 00:12:12,064 --> 00:12:15,202 Hard to sleep when you're doing stuff. 267 00:12:15,303 --> 00:12:18,777 Yeah. But what did you do, exactly? 268 00:12:18,777 --> 00:12:22,016 Well, she has this whole "mom" thing going on. 269 00:12:22,016 --> 00:12:23,687 Last night, she scolded me 270 00:12:23,687 --> 00:12:25,123 for tracking mud in the living room. 271 00:12:25,123 --> 00:12:29,197 Obviously trying to get me out of my shoes. 272 00:12:29,197 --> 00:12:31,101 Ooh, what a turn-on. 273 00:12:31,101 --> 00:12:32,070 That's not sex. 274 00:12:32,170 --> 00:12:34,408 Tell us exactly what sex you and she did. 275 00:12:34,408 --> 00:12:36,646 Come on, Chris. 276 00:12:36,646 --> 00:12:38,583 You've seen thousands of hours of porn. 277 00:12:38,583 --> 00:12:39,952 You can do this. 278 00:12:40,052 --> 00:12:43,827 Well, Miss Pewterschmidt was a braless real estate agent 279 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:46,231 who was showing me a large, mostly empty home 280 00:12:46,331 --> 00:12:47,367 in Van Nuys, California, 281 00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:50,140 and she'd do anything to make the sale. 282 00:12:50,140 --> 00:12:53,680 I showed her a thick wad of ones and we were off to the races 283 00:12:53,814 --> 00:12:57,421 on a brown leather couch next to an empty CD tower. 284 00:12:57,421 --> 00:12:58,355 That's just porn. 285 00:12:58,489 --> 00:13:00,595 Yeah, you're just making this whole thing up. 286 00:13:00,595 --> 00:13:03,132 No, we really had sex. 287 00:13:03,232 --> 00:13:05,069 I mean, the house purchase fell through, though, 288 00:13:05,069 --> 00:13:06,973 because of some issues with the appraisal, 289 00:13:07,074 --> 00:13:09,177 but that's not uncommon in this market. 290 00:13:09,278 --> 00:13:10,146 We want a picture. 291 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:13,486 A naked picture of Miss P. or you're a liar. 292 00:13:13,587 --> 00:13:15,958 A naked picture? Okay. 293 00:13:15,958 --> 00:13:18,128 But I have to warn you, 294 00:13:18,128 --> 00:13:20,601 sometimes she looks exactly like Halle Berry 295 00:13:20,701 --> 00:13:22,638 bent over the sofa in Monster's Ball. 296 00:13:22,638 --> 00:13:24,508 Get us a naked picture of her. 297 00:13:24,608 --> 00:13:28,349 And until then, go sit with the angry hearing aid kids. 298 00:13:34,227 --> 00:13:37,568 Oh, look who it is. Mr. Popular. 299 00:13:37,568 --> 00:13:40,774 Oh, look who it is. Mr. Popular. 300 00:13:40,774 --> 00:13:44,982 Oh, hear who it is. Mr. Popular. 301 00:13:49,859 --> 00:13:51,162 Okay, Chris, you can do this. 302 00:13:51,295 --> 00:13:53,801 Plenty of people have taken nude pictures of their mom. 303 00:13:53,801 --> 00:13:56,038 Possibly Liz Hurley's weirdly pretty son 304 00:13:56,171 --> 00:13:58,409 with whom she seems entirely too close. 305 00:14:14,909 --> 00:14:17,180 I can't. I can't. 306 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:20,687 It's my mom. I'm not a dirtbag. 307 00:14:20,787 --> 00:14:22,324 Psst. Chris. 308 00:14:23,292 --> 00:14:27,133 That it has even gone this far means you are a dirtbag. 309 00:14:27,133 --> 00:14:28,069 Own it. 310 00:14:28,069 --> 00:14:30,106 I don't know, Mr. Quagmire. 311 00:14:30,106 --> 00:14:32,144 "In order to find real happiness, 312 00:14:32,244 --> 00:14:33,847 "you must learn to love yourself 313 00:14:33,847 --> 00:14:35,918 for the totality of who you are." 314 00:14:35,918 --> 00:14:37,988 Portia de Rossi. 315 00:14:48,676 --> 00:14:51,281 Where's the picture, Griffin? 316 00:14:53,954 --> 00:14:56,092 Awesome. Send it to us. 317 00:14:56,092 --> 00:14:57,995 Promise you won't share it? 318 00:14:57,995 --> 00:15:00,466 Of course not. We're best pals. 319 00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:03,607 Well, we have made a lot of memories together. 320 00:15:03,607 --> 00:15:08,650 ♪ So take the photographs and still frames in your mind ♪ 321 00:15:08,750 --> 00:15:13,392 ♪ Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time ♪ 322 00:15:13,392 --> 00:15:18,468 ♪ Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial ♪ 323 00:15:18,468 --> 00:15:22,812 ♪ For what it's worth, it was worth all the while ♪ 324 00:15:22,812 --> 00:15:25,951 ♪ It's something unpredictable ♪ 325 00:15:26,051 --> 00:15:28,389 ♪ But in the end is right ♪ 326 00:15:28,389 --> 00:15:32,297 ♪ I hope you had the time of your life. ♪ 327 00:15:32,297 --> 00:15:34,735 Okay, I was thinking of the wrong stuff, 328 00:15:34,835 --> 00:15:36,873 but I guess I can trust these guys. 329 00:15:52,270 --> 00:15:54,876 "Miss Pewterschmidt is sleeping with a student. 330 00:15:54,876 --> 00:15:57,114 Here's the proof." That's her. 331 00:15:57,114 --> 00:15:59,986 And it looks like someone in her home is using 332 00:15:59,986 --> 00:16:02,625 "Kerasilk Shampoo for color-treated hair." 333 00:16:02,625 --> 00:16:04,060 I wonder who? 334 00:16:05,496 --> 00:16:06,633 I'll never tell. 335 00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:08,069 Kerasilk Color Shampoo. 336 00:16:08,069 --> 00:16:09,872 It keeps color-treated hair vibrant, 337 00:16:10,006 --> 00:16:11,709 and that keeps me out of the salon. 338 00:16:19,692 --> 00:16:21,161 Principal Shepherd sounded mad 339 00:16:21,161 --> 00:16:22,664 when he called me in this morning. 340 00:16:22,664 --> 00:16:25,369 Well, his ex-wife's now garnishing his sandwiches, 341 00:16:25,369 --> 00:16:27,173 and I don't mean adding parsley. 342 00:16:27,273 --> 00:16:29,110 You can go in now. 343 00:16:29,110 --> 00:16:32,316 He must have found out about the master's degree. 344 00:16:32,417 --> 00:16:35,389 Okay, I'll go in and I'll just be honest. 345 00:16:36,593 --> 00:16:37,662 Miss Pewterschmidt, 346 00:16:37,662 --> 00:16:40,466 I have a very grave matter to discuss with you. 347 00:16:40,466 --> 00:16:43,339 And I know what it is. I'm guilty. 348 00:16:43,339 --> 00:16:45,711 Well, I appreciate the honesty. 349 00:16:45,811 --> 00:16:48,349 I mean, I did the same thing at my son's preschool 350 00:16:48,349 --> 00:16:50,219 - and no one cared. - Wha--? 351 00:16:50,319 --> 00:16:52,925 I just want to touch kids, and I have. 352 00:16:53,059 --> 00:16:54,962 All of them. Even the girls. 353 00:16:54,962 --> 00:16:56,800 One boy was unhappy with his D 354 00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:58,770 and I promised to help him get it up. 355 00:16:58,770 --> 00:17:00,508 Then it was, "Cram, cram, cram." 356 00:17:00,641 --> 00:17:03,312 I'm close to breaking my pencil in outrage. 357 00:17:03,312 --> 00:17:06,452 One boy's a little slow, but I whisper in his ear, 358 00:17:06,553 --> 00:17:07,654 "You can do it," 359 00:17:07,654 --> 00:17:10,561 and the smile on his face when he finishes. 360 00:17:10,661 --> 00:17:14,001 Miss Pewterschmidt, you cannot sleep with students! 361 00:17:14,101 --> 00:17:16,238 What? No, never! 362 00:17:16,371 --> 00:17:18,209 I thought you were talking about me lying 363 00:17:18,309 --> 00:17:20,079 about having a master's degree. 364 00:17:20,179 --> 00:17:21,950 Oh, no, no, no. 365 00:17:22,050 --> 00:17:24,254 Take a look at my master's on the wall there. 366 00:17:24,354 --> 00:17:26,358 "The Harvard Yale Principal School 367 00:17:26,358 --> 00:17:28,530 of the Republic of Cuervo." 368 00:17:28,530 --> 00:17:29,832 We all lie. 369 00:17:29,832 --> 00:17:31,368 Who's gonna pay for a master's 370 00:17:31,368 --> 00:17:33,405 to teach at the high school level? 371 00:17:33,405 --> 00:17:37,147 But still, how did a student get this nude photo of you? 372 00:17:37,247 --> 00:17:41,154 Oh, my! Okay, I don't hate that angle. 373 00:17:41,255 --> 00:17:43,694 But I-- I think I know who took this. 374 00:17:43,694 --> 00:17:44,895 I'll take care of it. 375 00:17:44,995 --> 00:17:47,000 And-and can you send me the photo, please? 376 00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:49,739 Can you delete it from your phone? 377 00:17:49,739 --> 00:17:51,742 Of course. Click. 378 00:17:51,742 --> 00:17:55,550 - All you did was say, "Click." - It's an old phone. 379 00:17:58,957 --> 00:18:00,527 Hear you're doing it with a teacher, huh? 380 00:18:00,628 --> 00:18:01,563 I'm proud of you. 381 00:18:01,696 --> 00:18:04,334 They say her husband's got no more dew on the lily. 382 00:18:04,434 --> 00:18:07,541 Christopher Cross Griffin! How could you? 383 00:18:07,641 --> 00:18:09,043 Oh. Hi, Mom. 384 00:18:09,177 --> 00:18:10,580 Peter, your son told everyone 385 00:18:10,681 --> 00:18:12,684 that he and I were sleeping together, 386 00:18:12,784 --> 00:18:15,289 and then, then he sent a nude photo of me 387 00:18:15,289 --> 00:18:17,193 to his friends and now it's all over school. 388 00:18:17,293 --> 00:18:19,599 The soap acts like a bikini, hiding everything. 389 00:18:19,699 --> 00:18:22,470 There's a subreddit for that. Let me see if it's there yet. 390 00:18:22,571 --> 00:18:25,476 I'm sorry. I didn't think it would get around. 391 00:18:26,646 --> 00:18:29,752 Chris, if people think I'm sleeping with a student, 392 00:18:29,752 --> 00:18:31,388 I could go to jail. 393 00:18:31,388 --> 00:18:33,727 Now, you are gonna march into school tomorrow 394 00:18:33,727 --> 00:18:35,029 and tell everyone the truth. 395 00:18:35,029 --> 00:18:38,536 I just wanted to be in with the cool kids no matter what. 396 00:18:38,536 --> 00:18:41,474 I saw popularity and I went for it. 397 00:18:41,474 --> 00:18:45,349 Oh, honey, you wanted something and you lied. 398 00:18:45,449 --> 00:18:47,286 You were manifesting. 399 00:18:47,286 --> 00:18:50,760 I wouldn't use that awful term, but yes. 400 00:18:53,399 --> 00:18:56,171 You made it. "Soapkinis." Lot of upvotes. 401 00:18:56,171 --> 00:18:58,075 You know, Chris, I bet your new friends 402 00:18:58,075 --> 00:18:59,746 will admire your honesty. 403 00:18:59,746 --> 00:19:01,482 You're brutally naive. 404 00:19:01,583 --> 00:19:04,454 You're also on the subreddits "Over40GoneWild," 405 00:19:04,454 --> 00:19:06,726 "Mombod," and you're even the alluring photo 406 00:19:06,726 --> 00:19:09,632 that gets me to click on a link about celebrity bankruptcies. 407 00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:13,272 Joey Lawrence sold his condo at a loss? 408 00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:17,314 Come on, let's go out and get some ice cream, my little man. 409 00:19:17,314 --> 00:19:20,520 "Floyd Mayweather Jr. KO'd by the IRS"? 410 00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:23,225 I don't know, Mom. People may talk. 411 00:19:23,358 --> 00:19:25,229 Not ready to laugh at this, Chris. 412 00:19:25,363 --> 00:19:28,035 Sheena Easton lives in reduced circumstances 413 00:19:28,035 --> 00:19:29,671 in Henderson, Nevada? No! 414 00:19:36,084 --> 00:19:37,453 Good morning, everyone. 415 00:19:37,453 --> 00:19:39,257 I've done something terrible, 416 00:19:39,357 --> 00:19:43,132 although not as terrible as the cafeteria meatloaf. 417 00:19:43,232 --> 00:19:44,968 Thought I'd open with a little humor. 418 00:19:44,968 --> 00:19:47,675 Ha! Popular kids are always funny. 419 00:19:47,675 --> 00:19:49,210 Chris, get to the point. 420 00:19:49,210 --> 00:19:52,083 Well, I told many of you that I was sleeping 421 00:19:52,083 --> 00:19:53,887 with Miss Pewterschmidt. 422 00:19:53,887 --> 00:19:55,824 I shared a shower photo of her. 423 00:19:55,824 --> 00:19:56,992 If you haven't seen it yet, 424 00:19:56,992 --> 00:19:59,297 it's on the subreddit "Soapkinis." 425 00:19:59,397 --> 00:20:00,734 You're the man, Chris! 426 00:20:00,734 --> 00:20:03,773 No, I'm a liar. None of that happened. 427 00:20:03,773 --> 00:20:07,948 Mo-- I mean, Miss Pewterschmidt, is an excellent teacher 428 00:20:07,948 --> 00:20:09,986 who would never do such a thing. 429 00:20:10,086 --> 00:20:11,556 I hope everyone can forgive me 430 00:20:11,556 --> 00:20:14,561 and see that I just wanted a few friends. 431 00:20:14,661 --> 00:20:16,265 Loser. Liar. 432 00:20:16,265 --> 00:20:18,001 Real cough, long COVID. 433 00:20:22,310 --> 00:20:25,984 Now, hold on, hold on. Let me tell you all the truth. 434 00:20:25,984 --> 00:20:29,190 Chris Griffin was the biggest thing I ever had. 435 00:20:31,228 --> 00:20:33,933 Oh, I thought I was gonna break in two. 436 00:20:33,933 --> 00:20:36,572 He was 22 inches and 11 pounds. 437 00:20:36,572 --> 00:20:40,046 But I knew he was gonna change my life for the better. 438 00:20:50,567 --> 00:20:53,172 Mom got six years for sex with a minor. 439 00:20:53,305 --> 00:20:55,677 Asher died in an e-bike accident. 440 00:20:55,677 --> 00:20:56,846 And as for me, 441 00:20:56,846 --> 00:20:59,685 I married Liz Hurley's strangely attractive son. 442 00:20:59,685 --> 00:21:02,122 My name is Chris Griffin Hurley. 443 00:21:02,223 --> 00:21:03,893 I took his name.