1 00:00:02,338 --> 00:00:04,576 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,576 --> 00:00:07,783 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,916 --> 00:00:11,691 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,691 --> 00:00:14,697 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,697 --> 00:00:18,136 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,136 --> 00:00:21,309 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,409 --> 00:00:23,047 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,047 --> 00:00:24,315 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,415 --> 00:00:30,260 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:36,305 --> 00:00:39,312 It's such a treat to be at the water park with you guys. 11 00:00:39,312 --> 00:00:40,648 I don't want to freak anyone out, 12 00:00:40,648 --> 00:00:43,253 but Meg is just openly weeping at the touch tank. 13 00:00:43,253 --> 00:00:45,457 It's been so long. 14 00:00:45,558 --> 00:00:48,731 - Okay. All right. - I need this so much. 15 00:00:48,731 --> 00:00:50,300 - This is a gift. - Just gonna... 16 00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:51,537 - You have no idea. - ...move along here. 17 00:00:51,537 --> 00:00:53,307 You're giving me a gift right now. 18 00:00:53,307 --> 00:00:54,710 You-you take care now. 19 00:00:54,810 --> 00:00:58,116 Yeesh. Imagine being that desperate for human connection. 20 00:00:58,216 --> 00:01:00,655 Anyway, sir, I've been stung by a jellyfish, 21 00:01:00,755 --> 00:01:01,957 and I need to be peed on. 22 00:01:01,957 --> 00:01:03,426 Our jellyfish don't sting. 23 00:01:03,426 --> 00:01:04,930 Yeah, I think, I think I know 24 00:01:04,930 --> 00:01:06,066 when I've been stung. 25 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,435 Now is there an attractive, 26 00:01:07,435 --> 00:01:09,639 well-hydrated manager I can speak to? 27 00:01:09,773 --> 00:01:11,476 Everyone having fun? 28 00:01:11,476 --> 00:01:13,681 You know, this is our first family time 29 00:01:13,681 --> 00:01:15,518 since we went to Dollywood. 30 00:01:16,953 --> 00:01:18,591 - Aw. - What? 31 00:01:18,591 --> 00:01:20,628 It's just not what I thought the sign would look like. 32 00:01:20,628 --> 00:01:22,932 I mean, it's got two O's right next to each other, 33 00:01:23,032 --> 00:01:25,237 and, you know, it's just... 34 00:01:25,337 --> 00:01:27,575 missed opportunity. 35 00:01:32,618 --> 00:01:34,188 Where's Stewie? 36 00:01:35,256 --> 00:01:37,061 Hey, Bri, can dolphins sting, 37 00:01:37,061 --> 00:01:38,998 and-and what'll that get me, pee-wise? 38 00:01:38,998 --> 00:01:40,467 Ah...! 39 00:01:40,467 --> 00:01:41,435 Stewie! 40 00:01:45,645 --> 00:01:46,847 Well, I'm out of ideas. 41 00:01:46,947 --> 00:01:49,052 Someone, help! My baby! 42 00:01:49,052 --> 00:01:50,453 Peter, jump in and save him! 43 00:01:50,554 --> 00:01:53,193 On it! Hang on. Hold my phone. Hold my ear buds. 44 00:01:53,193 --> 00:01:55,096 Hold my second phone I hide from your mother. 45 00:01:55,196 --> 00:01:56,667 Hang on. 46 00:01:57,434 --> 00:01:58,972 Respond with an eggplant emoji. 47 00:02:02,044 --> 00:02:04,717 Hey, check out the new addition. She's hot. 48 00:02:04,817 --> 00:02:06,787 Eh, tank hot. 49 00:02:16,707 --> 00:02:19,078 Meg! You saved Stewie! 50 00:02:19,078 --> 00:02:20,815 Thank God everyone is safe. 51 00:02:20,815 --> 00:02:22,251 And as for you, young lady... 52 00:02:22,251 --> 00:02:24,923 - I guess I'm in trouble, huh? - No, not at all. 53 00:02:24,923 --> 00:02:27,996 In fact, we have a job opening over at our waterslide park. 54 00:02:27,996 --> 00:02:30,200 I think you'd make an excellent lifeguard. 55 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:31,770 Will you apply for the position? 56 00:02:31,870 --> 00:02:32,672 You mean it? 57 00:02:32,672 --> 00:02:34,843 Wow, I feel like I'm in a fairy tale. 58 00:02:34,843 --> 00:02:38,417 Now that my sister is dead, I must have her ruby slippers. 59 00:02:38,518 --> 00:02:41,924 Oh, no. Those shoes now belong... 60 00:02:41,924 --> 00:02:43,695 to Meg. 61 00:02:45,330 --> 00:02:47,134 Ah! 62 00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:49,238 We're not even close to the same size! 63 00:02:49,238 --> 00:02:51,710 Get 'em off, get 'em off! 64 00:02:52,979 --> 00:02:54,983 In Oz, there's no place like home. 65 00:02:55,083 --> 00:02:58,590 For big women's shoes, there's no place like Kohl's. 66 00:03:08,276 --> 00:03:09,512 What software is that? 67 00:03:09,512 --> 00:03:12,418 "Final Draft: 'Extra Visible To Nearby Patrons 68 00:03:12,418 --> 00:03:13,721 In the Coffeehouse' Edition"? 69 00:03:13,821 --> 00:03:15,391 Just trying to get a little work done... 70 00:03:15,391 --> 00:03:19,031 on my Hollywood screenplay, for Hollywood. 71 00:03:19,031 --> 00:03:22,270 Home of big Hollywood celebrities. 72 00:03:22,404 --> 00:03:26,012 Ike Barinholtz, being an example. 73 00:03:26,112 --> 00:03:27,716 Do not patronize this man! 74 00:03:27,816 --> 00:03:30,889 I found an insensitive post in his Twitter feed! 75 00:03:30,889 --> 00:03:32,692 What? I-I would never. 76 00:03:32,792 --> 00:03:34,763 He tweeted something very negative 77 00:03:34,863 --> 00:03:36,332 about Abbott Elementary. 78 00:03:36,332 --> 00:03:38,202 I-I said it was hilarious. 79 00:03:38,302 --> 00:03:40,207 But you didn't use all caps. 80 00:03:40,207 --> 00:03:41,777 You're canceled, mister. 81 00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:46,720 I'll just gather my things. 82 00:03:48,524 --> 00:03:49,760 Per hipster law, 83 00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:51,763 when a coffeehouse becomes available, 84 00:03:51,763 --> 00:03:55,303 it goes to whoever has the best coffee pun for the name. 85 00:03:55,404 --> 00:03:56,941 Um, Java the Hut. 86 00:03:56,941 --> 00:03:57,976 Perks and Recreation. 87 00:03:58,076 --> 00:03:59,311 Uh, Lost and Ground. 88 00:03:59,411 --> 00:04:01,349 - Roast Malone. - Two and a Caf Men. 89 00:04:01,482 --> 00:04:03,587 This can go on for quite a while. 90 00:04:03,587 --> 00:04:08,196 Why, this very shop started in the '80s as Funky Brewster, 91 00:04:08,196 --> 00:04:09,632 and then Delta Perk. 92 00:04:09,632 --> 00:04:12,137 In the mid-'90s, it was briefly a tavern 93 00:04:12,238 --> 00:04:14,876 called Dharma & Grog, and then... 94 00:04:14,876 --> 00:04:16,245 Uhp. 95 00:04:16,245 --> 00:04:17,515 I'll send you back now. 96 00:04:17,515 --> 00:04:18,951 Got to get the dog. 97 00:04:18,951 --> 00:04:20,621 Daisy! Daisy! 98 00:04:20,621 --> 00:04:24,128 It's just the barley man. You know the barley man. 99 00:04:24,128 --> 00:04:25,932 The Unflushed Poo & Tea Leaf. 100 00:04:26,032 --> 00:04:27,401 Bathroom Key Code & Tea Leaf. 101 00:04:27,502 --> 00:04:29,338 The Center for Homeless Armpit-Washing. 102 00:04:29,338 --> 00:04:31,308 Brian, Brian. Everyone's gone. 103 00:04:32,345 --> 00:04:33,848 Yup, it's all yours. 104 00:04:33,948 --> 00:04:35,350 You can name it whatever. 105 00:04:35,350 --> 00:04:36,920 Wow, what should we do first? 106 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:39,091 We should hang an "Under New Management" banner 107 00:04:39,091 --> 00:04:40,360 to generate interest. 108 00:04:40,493 --> 00:04:44,034 Whoa, someone different is signing the time cards. 109 00:04:44,034 --> 00:04:45,971 I got to check this place out. 110 00:04:48,777 --> 00:04:51,983 Really glad you're applying for the lifeguard position, Meg. 111 00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:53,820 I just have a few questions. 112 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:57,294 "If I were to ask you how many times a day you shower, 113 00:04:57,394 --> 00:04:59,265 - what would you say?" - Uh... 114 00:04:59,265 --> 00:05:01,302 The pool is a shower? 115 00:05:01,302 --> 00:05:03,407 Wow, skipping to page two. 116 00:05:03,407 --> 00:05:05,678 Let's see, this is all just boilerplate 117 00:05:05,812 --> 00:05:07,982 about making sure to hassle the urban kids 118 00:05:08,082 --> 00:05:10,755 - like they're gonna somehow steal the pool. - Right, right, right. 119 00:05:10,755 --> 00:05:13,125 That was in the application packet you emailed. 120 00:05:13,125 --> 00:05:15,363 Okay, well, you're basically hired. 121 00:05:15,363 --> 00:05:17,168 The only lifeguard test left is 122 00:05:17,168 --> 00:05:19,906 for you to run all sultry in slow motion. 123 00:05:35,772 --> 00:05:38,710 Okay, we can work on that. 124 00:05:42,484 --> 00:05:45,123 Wow, we're finally going to open our coffeehouse today. 125 00:05:45,123 --> 00:05:47,696 I've been dreaming of this day for most of the day, 126 00:05:47,696 --> 00:05:49,398 and now it finally pays off. 127 00:05:49,398 --> 00:05:51,135 Yup, only thing left to do is 128 00:05:51,135 --> 00:05:52,572 put the right music on the Sonos. 129 00:05:54,007 --> 00:05:56,546 - Brian's Knockoff iPhone. - Wait, why does it say that? 130 00:05:56,546 --> 00:06:00,420 Jazz Music Brian Never Actually Listens To. 131 00:06:00,420 --> 00:06:02,892 Mmm, love this one. 132 00:06:02,892 --> 00:06:05,230 Favorited, but not listened to once. 133 00:06:05,330 --> 00:06:06,633 Not one single time. 134 00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:08,103 It's okay, Bri, I got this. 135 00:06:08,103 --> 00:06:09,939 Stewie's iPad 136 00:06:09,939 --> 00:06:12,044 That His Mom Has to Unlock for Him. 137 00:06:12,044 --> 00:06:13,781 Whoa, no, not always. 138 00:06:13,781 --> 00:06:16,452 Songs That Are Guys' Names. 139 00:06:16,452 --> 00:06:17,822 ♪ Robert! ♪ 140 00:06:17,822 --> 00:06:19,492 Stop, stop, we're overthinking this. 141 00:06:19,593 --> 00:06:21,095 It's a coffeehouse. We're legally required 142 00:06:21,095 --> 00:06:23,835 - to play Sheryl Crow's worst songs. - You're right. 143 00:06:23,935 --> 00:06:25,839 Anyway, what matters is we're finally ready 144 00:06:25,939 --> 00:06:28,944 to open our new café: "Oh Joe You D'int." 145 00:06:29,044 --> 00:06:31,650 Uh, did-did we... did we settle on that name? 146 00:06:31,783 --> 00:06:33,386 Don't ask me. 147 00:06:33,486 --> 00:06:34,923 You're the one who keeps bringing us back 148 00:06:34,923 --> 00:06:37,327 - to "Oh Joe You D'int." - Yeah, I don't like that one. 149 00:06:37,327 --> 00:06:39,231 And yet here we are talking about it. 150 00:06:39,231 --> 00:06:40,634 You're the one who won't let it go. 151 00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:42,470 Yeah, me, I'm open to whatever. 152 00:06:43,674 --> 00:06:45,945 All right, are we serving coffee or what? 153 00:06:49,452 --> 00:06:50,387 Welcome, everyone. 154 00:06:50,387 --> 00:06:52,291 Step right up and get yourself some coffee. 155 00:06:52,391 --> 00:06:53,861 Stewie, hook these people up with some coffee. 156 00:06:53,861 --> 00:06:55,732 Okay, where did you put the coffee? 157 00:06:55,732 --> 00:06:58,403 Me? Wha-- I-- you were in charge of getting the coffee, 158 00:06:58,504 --> 00:07:01,475 I-I was coming up with "Oh Joe You D'int." 159 00:07:04,248 --> 00:07:05,183 Well, frick. 160 00:07:05,350 --> 00:07:07,220 Okay, okay, make it look like we can't help anyone 161 00:07:07,220 --> 00:07:09,793 because we're preparing a giant order for DoorDash. 162 00:07:09,926 --> 00:07:11,429 - How do we do that? - Just start throwing 163 00:07:11,530 --> 00:07:13,399 a bunch of stuff into bags, and I'll keep asking 164 00:07:13,399 --> 00:07:15,671 if the next person through the door is Dave. 165 00:07:16,438 --> 00:07:19,011 Dave? You Dave? 166 00:07:19,011 --> 00:07:20,648 - Dave? - What about us? 167 00:07:20,648 --> 00:07:23,587 You're actually here, so you don't matter. 168 00:07:26,392 --> 00:07:27,928 ♪ ♪ 169 00:07:28,029 --> 00:07:30,033 A job can be more than a job, 170 00:07:30,033 --> 00:07:31,736 if you love what you do. 171 00:07:31,736 --> 00:07:34,441 I am a lifeguard because I love flashing 172 00:07:34,542 --> 00:07:37,480 eye-level swimsuit crotch shots at families. 173 00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:40,588 I love checking the pH of the pool 174 00:07:40,588 --> 00:07:42,091 by gargling the water and seeing 175 00:07:42,091 --> 00:07:44,061 how quickly it gives me a yeast infection. 176 00:07:45,263 --> 00:07:48,737 Okay, pH a little high here. 177 00:07:48,737 --> 00:07:51,209 I love having a special whistle that, when you blow it, 178 00:07:51,209 --> 00:07:54,749 it makes the sound of Ray Romano telling people to cut it out. 179 00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:56,553 All right, guys, 180 00:07:56,553 --> 00:07:58,122 that's enough over there. 181 00:07:58,122 --> 00:08:01,195 But what I love most about being a lifeguard? 182 00:08:01,195 --> 00:08:03,466 No more abuse from my family. 183 00:08:03,567 --> 00:08:05,972 In fact, no family at all. 184 00:08:06,072 --> 00:08:09,344 It's just me, all day, every day. 185 00:08:09,444 --> 00:08:10,948 Hey, Meg! - Dad?! 186 00:08:10,948 --> 00:08:12,718 Great news. Since you work here, 187 00:08:12,718 --> 00:08:14,388 I got a discount on a season pass! 188 00:08:14,488 --> 00:08:16,627 I'll be here all day, every day. 189 00:08:16,727 --> 00:08:18,196 And don't worry, I won't set up my towel 190 00:08:18,196 --> 00:08:20,199 next to the breastfeeding moms. 191 00:08:22,270 --> 00:08:25,811 Don't forget to swap halfway through so you keep 'em even. 192 00:08:31,590 --> 00:08:34,996 Dad, you have no right to hang out in my workplace. 193 00:08:34,996 --> 00:08:36,766 Well, maybe your workplace should've thought of that 194 00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:38,804 before they put an ad on my juice box. 195 00:08:38,904 --> 00:08:41,609 I'm a lifeguard, you know. I could just throw you out. 196 00:08:41,609 --> 00:08:43,948 Aw, come on, Meg. Look, if you let me stay, 197 00:08:44,048 --> 00:08:46,018 we'll make one of those viral videos you love. 198 00:08:46,018 --> 00:08:48,891 You know, where something seems real, but it's actually cake. 199 00:08:48,891 --> 00:08:51,129 Yo, yo, yo, I'm here with my daughter, Meg, 200 00:08:51,129 --> 00:08:52,264 and her brother, Chris. 201 00:08:52,364 --> 00:08:53,700 Or am I? 202 00:08:53,801 --> 00:08:55,337 Ow, Dad! Stop it! 203 00:08:55,470 --> 00:08:56,807 Wait, what happened to Cake Chris? 204 00:08:56,807 --> 00:09:00,046 All right, let's see what's happening on CakeHub. 205 00:09:04,556 --> 00:09:07,160 What a dirty little cake. 206 00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:09,265 Okay, plus, plus, you know "laugh and cry"? 207 00:09:09,265 --> 00:09:11,769 You know the-- in the song where Stewie says "laugh and cry"? 208 00:09:11,870 --> 00:09:13,940 Let me stay, Meg, and it's all yours. 209 00:09:14,041 --> 00:09:15,644 - You'd do that? - I will look into it. 210 00:09:15,644 --> 00:09:17,481 I will look into it very strongly. 211 00:09:17,481 --> 00:09:19,285 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 212 00:09:19,285 --> 00:09:20,788 Okay, I guess so. 213 00:09:20,788 --> 00:09:23,159 But only if you promise to follow all the rules. 214 00:09:23,159 --> 00:09:24,262 Guys, we're in! 215 00:09:24,262 --> 00:09:25,163 - Hey, Meg. - Hey. 216 00:09:25,163 --> 00:09:28,202 Meg, I saw a sign about active diarrhea. 217 00:09:28,202 --> 00:09:30,908 What if it's very passive? 218 00:09:34,783 --> 00:09:36,252 What are we gonna do, Stewie?! 219 00:09:36,252 --> 00:09:37,287 These people came for coffee, 220 00:09:37,387 --> 00:09:38,557 and we have none to serve them! 221 00:09:38,657 --> 00:09:40,728 Dude, come on. Can I get some coffee or what? 222 00:09:40,728 --> 00:09:43,901 Uh, hang on. I think I hear our delivery guy in the back. 223 00:09:44,803 --> 00:09:46,706 What do you mean you don't have the coffee?! 224 00:09:46,807 --> 00:09:48,075 I-I know, I'm sorry, 225 00:09:48,075 --> 00:09:49,946 and-and for such a handsome guy, too. 226 00:09:50,046 --> 00:09:51,448 You're so handsome. Okay, pal, 227 00:09:51,448 --> 00:09:53,352 you're not gonna compliment your way out of this one. 228 00:09:53,352 --> 00:09:55,456 Ah, geez, buddy, you look so tense. 229 00:09:55,456 --> 00:09:56,827 Let's get you out of that apron. 230 00:09:56,927 --> 00:09:58,263 Oh, come on, I'm at work. 231 00:09:58,263 --> 00:10:01,201 Oh, when is that body not working? 232 00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:04,175 Sorry, hang on, just got to deal with this stupid thing. 233 00:10:04,275 --> 00:10:05,310 Enough of this. 234 00:10:05,310 --> 00:10:06,847 Come on, other college students. 235 00:10:06,947 --> 00:10:08,483 Let's go sign up for a credit card 236 00:10:08,483 --> 00:10:10,153 that gives us a T-shirt! 237 00:10:11,255 --> 00:10:12,090 Wait! Hang on! 238 00:10:12,190 --> 00:10:14,295 We got coffee for you right here. 239 00:10:14,395 --> 00:10:16,867 Yep, the highest quality that you've come to expect 240 00:10:16,867 --> 00:10:18,203 here at "Brew Ha Ha." 241 00:10:18,303 --> 00:10:20,040 I want to change our name to "Brew Ha Ha." 242 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:22,344 You're a lifesaver. Where did you get that? 243 00:10:22,344 --> 00:10:24,849 I ran to the bodega next door and got some Folgers. 244 00:10:24,849 --> 00:10:27,420 What? We'll never get away with serving Folgers. 245 00:10:27,420 --> 00:10:29,826 Won't we? Look around, we're a hit. 246 00:10:31,428 --> 00:10:34,201 And check it out, we're already a pretend small business 247 00:10:34,201 --> 00:10:35,538 in a Chase Bank ad. 248 00:10:37,340 --> 00:10:40,714 These days, running a small business can be a big challenge. 249 00:10:40,848 --> 00:10:42,351 Whether we're receiving a flower delivery 250 00:10:42,351 --> 00:10:44,321 for unclear reasons... 251 00:10:44,321 --> 00:10:45,357 Or raising the blinds 252 00:10:45,357 --> 00:10:47,561 and flipping over the "Open/Closed" sign, 253 00:10:47,561 --> 00:10:49,264 which is how I spend most of my work day... 254 00:10:49,364 --> 00:10:51,570 Or even making a latte for a Black woman, 255 00:10:51,670 --> 00:10:53,507 an iced tea for a white woman, 256 00:10:53,641 --> 00:10:55,243 and a coffee for a gently brown guy 257 00:10:55,243 --> 00:10:57,447 who could go in a lot of different directions... 258 00:10:57,548 --> 00:10:58,984 We've got our hands full. 259 00:10:58,984 --> 00:11:01,021 That's why Chase Bank is here for us. 260 00:11:01,121 --> 00:11:03,125 When this man in a suit from Chase Bank 261 00:11:03,125 --> 00:11:05,764 came down and shook my hand at my place of business, 262 00:11:05,864 --> 00:11:07,200 it really solidified 263 00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:09,171 what we'd already talked about at his office. 264 00:11:09,271 --> 00:11:10,741 Now we're looking at a laptop, 265 00:11:10,741 --> 00:11:12,177 like my stupid little coffee shop 266 00:11:12,277 --> 00:11:14,715 is gonna be a big disruptor in the online space. 267 00:11:14,715 --> 00:11:16,118 And my Chase business card 268 00:11:16,118 --> 00:11:18,189 allows me to make those emergency purchases 269 00:11:18,189 --> 00:11:19,759 that I'll lose sleep at night over. 270 00:11:19,759 --> 00:11:21,161 Chase understands my business 271 00:11:21,161 --> 00:11:23,232 the way they understand all businesses, 272 00:11:23,232 --> 00:11:24,936 as a huge reverse funnel 273 00:11:25,036 --> 00:11:27,040 that shoves money upwards to them. 274 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:29,044 Hey, another flower delivery. 275 00:11:29,044 --> 00:11:30,379 These'll look great in the bathroom, 276 00:11:30,379 --> 00:11:32,183 while I'm pooping blood from the stress. 277 00:11:32,284 --> 00:11:33,520 Now I'm flipping over that 278 00:11:33,620 --> 00:11:35,056 "Open/Closed" sign again. 279 00:11:35,156 --> 00:11:37,695 Is that a new stadium with Chase's name on it? 280 00:11:37,795 --> 00:11:38,730 How'd they afford that? 281 00:11:38,730 --> 00:11:40,601 I'll be in this bathroom for a while. 282 00:11:40,701 --> 00:11:41,837 Better toss it to the announcer. 283 00:11:41,837 --> 00:11:42,906 At Chase Bank, 284 00:11:42,906 --> 00:11:44,341 we're about more than just 285 00:11:44,341 --> 00:11:46,913 foreclosing on American servicemen while overseas. 286 00:11:46,913 --> 00:11:48,684 We're about small business. 287 00:11:48,684 --> 00:11:50,019 So when you think of Chase, 288 00:11:50,019 --> 00:11:52,390 don't think of the 2008 financial crash, 289 00:11:52,390 --> 00:11:55,297 think of your local, sympathetic small business. 290 00:11:55,397 --> 00:11:56,465 Flower delivery. 291 00:11:56,566 --> 00:11:59,004 Yeah, guys, we're good on flowers for a while. 292 00:11:59,104 --> 00:12:01,108 Well, that's great, but it doesn't change the fact that 293 00:12:01,208 --> 00:12:03,346 we're passing Folgers off as real coffee. 294 00:12:03,346 --> 00:12:05,717 Isn't someone going to know the taste of Folgers? 295 00:12:05,851 --> 00:12:07,220 Relax, Stewie. The only person 296 00:12:07,220 --> 00:12:09,257 who could possibly know the taste of Folgers 297 00:12:09,358 --> 00:12:12,064 would be an older white man who works in public education. 298 00:12:12,064 --> 00:12:14,736 I would like a cup of coffee, please. 299 00:12:14,736 --> 00:12:16,271 Oh... 300 00:12:27,427 --> 00:12:30,066 Dad, you promised you'd follow all the rules. 301 00:12:30,066 --> 00:12:32,137 I told you, no horseplay. 302 00:12:32,237 --> 00:12:34,642 We're having big wrassle-fights 303 00:12:34,642 --> 00:12:37,649 a'cause it's the only way we know how to express affection. 304 00:12:37,649 --> 00:12:39,719 - Gonna get you, Peter. - Me, too. 305 00:12:39,819 --> 00:12:40,888 And not because I love you 306 00:12:41,022 --> 00:12:42,725 and I don't have the words to say it. 307 00:12:42,725 --> 00:12:44,028 I'm just having normal fun 308 00:12:44,028 --> 00:12:45,396 without all that mess. 309 00:12:45,496 --> 00:12:47,133 Okay, guys, out of the pool. 310 00:12:47,133 --> 00:12:48,703 I gave you a chance, and you blew it. 311 00:12:48,837 --> 00:12:50,340 You're kicked out of the park. 312 00:12:50,340 --> 00:12:52,410 - What? - Go home. 313 00:12:52,410 --> 00:12:53,614 I'm kicking you out. 314 00:12:53,747 --> 00:12:55,016 Gotta catch me first. 315 00:12:55,016 --> 00:12:57,020 Just try to get me out of the deep end 316 00:12:57,020 --> 00:13:00,192 with these long-legged, short-torsoed giants. 317 00:13:01,697 --> 00:13:02,931 Dad! 318 00:13:04,969 --> 00:13:07,341 Oh, my God, he's not breathing. 319 00:13:09,779 --> 00:13:12,652 Okay, guys. Come on now. 320 00:13:12,752 --> 00:13:14,254 Please breathe, Dad. 321 00:13:27,682 --> 00:13:30,621 - Hey. - Hey. 322 00:13:30,621 --> 00:13:33,793 Your mouth was... on my mouth. 323 00:13:33,893 --> 00:13:35,496 Uh, I think. 324 00:13:35,597 --> 00:13:38,001 Maybe a little. Yeah. 325 00:13:38,001 --> 00:13:40,240 My God, Peter. That's your daughter. 326 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:41,643 Adopted daughter? 327 00:13:41,643 --> 00:13:43,479 No, Woody, just-just regular daughter. 328 00:13:43,479 --> 00:13:46,017 Oh, ye-yeah, then ew, that's-that's wrong, ew. 329 00:13:52,798 --> 00:13:55,804 Okay, so... our mouths were... 330 00:13:55,904 --> 00:13:57,542 totally touching each other. 331 00:13:57,542 --> 00:13:59,011 Y-Yes. 332 00:13:59,111 --> 00:14:00,346 But that's okay. That's okay. 333 00:14:00,346 --> 00:14:02,518 'Cause you were saving my life, so it's not weird. 334 00:14:02,518 --> 00:14:03,787 Right, it's not w-- 335 00:14:03,887 --> 00:14:05,758 It's the opposite of weird. 336 00:14:05,758 --> 00:14:07,193 Yeah, the opposite. Right, yeah. 337 00:14:07,193 --> 00:14:09,431 And, anyway, we can just say this never happened, right? 338 00:14:09,431 --> 00:14:10,667 'Cause nobody even saw us. 339 00:14:13,106 --> 00:14:14,842 Ooh, they're all distracted. 340 00:14:14,943 --> 00:14:17,413 Other urban kids, this is our chance. 341 00:14:25,029 --> 00:14:26,232 Stewie, what are we gonna do? 342 00:14:26,332 --> 00:14:28,670 If we serve coffee to Principal Shepherd, 343 00:14:28,670 --> 00:14:30,541 he's gonna recognize that it's Folgers. 344 00:14:30,541 --> 00:14:31,643 I say we wait him out. 345 00:14:31,743 --> 00:14:34,683 Any middle-aged white man can be ignored indefinitely, 346 00:14:34,683 --> 00:14:36,452 unless he clears his throat. 347 00:14:37,588 --> 00:14:38,957 Welp, we're out of moves. 348 00:14:39,057 --> 00:14:40,761 Um, hi. How may I help you? 349 00:14:40,761 --> 00:14:42,832 I would like a cup of coffee. 350 00:14:42,832 --> 00:14:46,104 Y-Yes, sir. Uh, coming right up. 351 00:15:10,887 --> 00:15:14,228 Wait a minute, this is Folgers instant coffee. 352 00:15:15,798 --> 00:15:17,935 I would know, we served it at my wedding. 353 00:15:17,935 --> 00:15:19,304 Yes, everyone, we admit it. 354 00:15:19,404 --> 00:15:21,543 We didn't have our normal coffee beans on hand, 355 00:15:21,643 --> 00:15:23,747 and so we've been serving you the cheap stuff. 356 00:15:23,847 --> 00:15:25,650 You're all drinking Folgers. 357 00:15:27,420 --> 00:15:28,757 That's awesome. 358 00:15:28,857 --> 00:15:30,393 It... it is? 359 00:15:30,493 --> 00:15:31,563 Heck yeah, man. 360 00:15:31,563 --> 00:15:34,033 We're, like, paying way a lot of our parents' money 361 00:15:34,033 --> 00:15:35,737 for our parents' own cheap coffee? 362 00:15:35,871 --> 00:15:37,542 That's kind of meta. 363 00:15:37,542 --> 00:15:39,144 Like, seriously alt and iro. 364 00:15:41,048 --> 00:15:43,352 Well, that went different from how I expected. 365 00:15:43,352 --> 00:15:46,291 Yup, kids these days are pretty forgiving and tolerant. 366 00:15:46,291 --> 00:15:48,964 This dog and baby are banned from society forever 367 00:15:48,964 --> 00:15:50,333 'cause of an Internet thing. 368 00:15:50,466 --> 00:15:53,673 One of them keeps trying to slide into AOC's DMs. 369 00:15:53,773 --> 00:15:55,845 - Brian? - She's hot, 370 00:15:55,845 --> 00:15:57,815 but we're supposed to pretend she's not. 371 00:15:57,815 --> 00:15:59,451 Well, who's that red lipstick for? 372 00:16:02,558 --> 00:16:04,328 I guess the coffee shop's available. 373 00:16:04,428 --> 00:16:05,831 Roast Busters. 374 00:16:05,931 --> 00:16:07,434 Good luck. 375 00:16:11,275 --> 00:16:13,179 Oh, back from the water park, you two? 376 00:16:13,179 --> 00:16:14,815 Anything unusual happen? 377 00:16:14,949 --> 00:16:16,451 Yeah. No. I mean, 378 00:16:16,451 --> 00:16:19,190 I did mouth-to-mouth on this one guy, 379 00:16:19,190 --> 00:16:22,263 but he was, like, way not blood-related. 380 00:16:22,263 --> 00:16:25,136 Okay. Guess I'll just watch the news. 381 00:16:25,136 --> 00:16:27,173 Our top story, creepy lip-lock 382 00:16:27,173 --> 00:16:29,344 saves a life at Quahog water park. 383 00:16:29,478 --> 00:16:31,650 Local man Peter Griffin was revived by 384 00:16:31,650 --> 00:16:34,522 a game of tonsil-hockey with lifeguard Meg Griffin, 385 00:16:34,622 --> 00:16:36,659 who-- I'm placing my hand over my ear 386 00:16:36,659 --> 00:16:38,530 and pretending to get new information-- 387 00:16:38,530 --> 00:16:39,966 is his own daughter? 388 00:16:40,066 --> 00:16:42,170 Babe, it's not what you think. 389 00:16:42,270 --> 00:16:43,707 Yeah, I was just saving his life. 390 00:16:43,707 --> 00:16:45,343 He means nothing to me. 391 00:16:45,343 --> 00:16:47,313 I want to believe that, Meg. 392 00:16:47,313 --> 00:16:49,217 But look what people are saying on Facebook. 393 00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:51,388 "This is wrong," Bonnie Swanson. 394 00:16:51,388 --> 00:16:53,660 "So not okay," Donna Brown. 395 00:16:53,660 --> 00:16:55,831 "Russia USA number one support," 396 00:16:55,931 --> 00:16:58,235 woman's face with Getty Image watermark. 397 00:16:58,235 --> 00:17:00,239 Our family is a laughing stock. 398 00:17:00,239 --> 00:17:01,710 Why are you being like this? 399 00:17:01,710 --> 00:17:03,413 I was just doing my job. 400 00:17:03,514 --> 00:17:07,053 I know, but I'm sorry, it-it's just weird. 401 00:17:07,053 --> 00:17:08,723 I feel humiliated. 402 00:17:08,723 --> 00:17:09,992 If you'll excuse me, 403 00:17:09,992 --> 00:17:11,596 I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette alone, 404 00:17:11,696 --> 00:17:12,598 which is how TV depicts 405 00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:15,604 a woman at her lowest point emotionally. 406 00:17:15,704 --> 00:17:16,872 This is insane. 407 00:17:16,872 --> 00:17:18,375 Yeah, when are people gonna grow up? 408 00:17:18,375 --> 00:17:21,849 ♪ Peter and Megan, sitting in a tree ♪ 409 00:17:21,950 --> 00:17:25,323 ♪ K-I-S-S... ♪ 410 00:17:25,456 --> 00:17:27,059 Oh... 411 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:29,532 ♪ E... N-G. ♪ 412 00:17:29,532 --> 00:17:32,236 And Chris Griffin is eliminated, 413 00:17:32,236 --> 00:17:34,876 which means Boopresh Armiteg will repeat as 414 00:17:34,876 --> 00:17:36,345 National Spelling Champion. 415 00:17:36,345 --> 00:17:39,384 Congrats to his always-frowning Indian parents 416 00:17:39,384 --> 00:17:41,488 joylessly clapping in the audience. 417 00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:47,801 Guys, we called this meeting 418 00:17:47,801 --> 00:17:50,339 because there are a lot of hurtful rumors swirling around, 419 00:17:50,339 --> 00:17:52,377 - and we have something to say to you. - That's right. 420 00:17:52,477 --> 00:17:54,147 - You guys are being stupid. - Meg and I are in love. 421 00:17:54,147 --> 00:17:55,784 What? No, Dad, 422 00:17:55,884 --> 00:17:57,320 we're telling them that they're idiots 423 00:17:57,454 --> 00:17:58,991 - and to cut it out. - Right, I-- 424 00:17:58,991 --> 00:18:00,894 That's what I meant, I-I'm all confused. 425 00:18:00,894 --> 00:18:02,463 I-I'm not in love with Meg, I-I ju-- 426 00:18:02,463 --> 00:18:04,669 I need to return a ring to Zales. 427 00:18:10,012 --> 00:18:11,883 Oh, my God, your father's not breathing. 428 00:18:11,883 --> 00:18:13,787 Meg, you have to give him mouth-to-mouth. 429 00:18:13,787 --> 00:18:16,191 Me? You do it. You're his wife. 430 00:18:16,191 --> 00:18:18,362 I need at least four beers to get there, Meg. 431 00:18:18,362 --> 00:18:20,767 Besides, you're the only one who knows how. 432 00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:22,638 No way, I already did it once, 433 00:18:22,638 --> 00:18:23,940 and it made my life hell. 434 00:18:23,940 --> 00:18:26,478 Meg, please. This is our father! 435 00:18:26,478 --> 00:18:27,715 Probably. 436 00:18:27,815 --> 00:18:29,083 What's that supposed to mean? 437 00:18:29,083 --> 00:18:30,587 We've all heard stories of 438 00:18:30,587 --> 00:18:32,691 your time on the Hoobastank tour bus. 439 00:18:32,691 --> 00:18:35,463 Meg, your father is dying and he needs you, 440 00:18:35,463 --> 00:18:37,934 and I am not going to sit here and apologize for 441 00:18:37,934 --> 00:18:39,304 what I may or may not have done 442 00:18:39,404 --> 00:18:40,941 with the Hoobastank bassist. 443 00:18:40,941 --> 00:18:42,477 "Hoobastank bassist"? 444 00:18:42,477 --> 00:18:44,214 You don't even know the guy's name. 445 00:18:44,314 --> 00:18:45,851 They've had like five bass players, 446 00:18:45,851 --> 00:18:48,656 and, anyway, it's not like I was writing down names. 447 00:18:52,230 --> 00:18:53,399 What's the big deal? 448 00:18:53,399 --> 00:18:55,270 You stick your tongue down Dad's throat. 449 00:18:55,370 --> 00:18:56,906 Most natural thing in the world. 450 00:18:56,906 --> 00:18:58,242 Where the hell have you been? 451 00:18:58,342 --> 00:19:00,079 Brian and I did a coffee house thing, I don't know. 452 00:19:04,253 --> 00:19:06,960 I have to take this. Hey, you. 453 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:10,132 Listen, Meg. I'm glad you saved my life at the pool. 454 00:19:10,132 --> 00:19:12,403 But I'm sorry I came there in the first place. 455 00:19:12,537 --> 00:19:14,742 Everyone deserves a place of their own, 456 00:19:14,742 --> 00:19:16,144 and I get that now. 457 00:19:16,244 --> 00:19:18,550 I promise I'll treat you better in the future. 458 00:19:18,550 --> 00:19:20,754 You know, we've had conversations like this 459 00:19:20,754 --> 00:19:24,796 again and again, and nothing ever changes. 460 00:19:24,796 --> 00:19:27,935 You're a terrible father, and I'm counting the days 461 00:19:27,935 --> 00:19:29,170 till I move out of this house. 462 00:19:29,270 --> 00:19:31,776 Okay, but what if, in the spirit of inclusion, 463 00:19:31,776 --> 00:19:34,648 I tell you "I love you" in sign language? 464 00:19:39,859 --> 00:19:42,864 Oh, I love you too, Dad. 465 00:19:42,998 --> 00:19:44,502 But this never happened 466 00:19:44,502 --> 00:19:47,039 because no one resuscitated me. 467 00:19:47,139 --> 00:19:48,543 I did wake up eventually, 468 00:19:48,676 --> 00:19:51,381 but now I need help feeding and bathing myself. 469 00:19:51,381 --> 00:19:53,653 I spend most of my days getting walked around 470 00:19:53,653 --> 00:19:55,924 by a nurse who talks to her sister on her phone. 471 00:19:55,924 --> 00:19:58,429 Whoa, hold up. Mom gave you the necklace? 472 00:19:58,563 --> 00:19:59,865 That's her now. 473 00:20:05,744 --> 00:20:07,013 Well, Meg, I gotta say, 474 00:20:07,013 --> 00:20:08,048 I'm proud of you for going to 475 00:20:08,148 --> 00:20:09,417 that water park each day 476 00:20:09,417 --> 00:20:10,854 and working a job that you love. 477 00:20:10,854 --> 00:20:12,290 Oh, I quit that place. 478 00:20:12,290 --> 00:20:13,827 - What? - Yeah, the weather turned 479 00:20:13,827 --> 00:20:16,065 two degrees cooler than I like, so I just bailed. 480 00:20:16,198 --> 00:20:18,235 That's the girl I raised. 481 00:20:18,336 --> 00:20:21,341 Yay, our generation folds at nothing. 482 00:20:21,341 --> 00:20:23,680 And, Stewie, I'm sorry our coffee house didn't work out. 483 00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:25,617 I wonder how Principal Shepherd's doing with it. 484 00:20:25,717 --> 00:20:28,422 Eh, I hear he's going with a "teachers' lounge" theme. 485 00:20:28,422 --> 00:20:29,992 Your entire pastry case 486 00:20:29,992 --> 00:20:32,998 is just Tupperware with people's names written in Sharpie. 487 00:20:33,098 --> 00:20:36,238 Don't forget this sad box of donuts cut into quarters. 488 00:20:36,238 --> 00:20:38,441 Everyone, let's all talk about things 489 00:20:38,576 --> 00:20:40,580 that parents have told us in confidence. 490 00:20:43,854 --> 00:20:45,924 It's kind of like Abbott Elementary, 491 00:20:45,924 --> 00:20:48,195 which is amazing. Amazing! 492 00:20:48,329 --> 00:20:50,900 You gotta watch it. Oh, my God!