1 00:00:01,169 --> 00:00:04,643 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,643 --> 00:00:08,050 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,183 --> 00:00:11,757 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,757 --> 00:00:14,763 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,763 --> 00:00:18,203 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,203 --> 00:00:21,375 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,475 --> 00:00:23,113 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,113 --> 00:00:24,382 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,482 --> 00:00:30,327 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:35,471 --> 00:00:38,209 Good evening. Coming up, a major Hollywood movie 11 00:00:38,309 --> 00:00:39,913 is set to film in Quahog. 12 00:00:39,913 --> 00:00:41,483 But first, whoever recorded me 13 00:00:41,483 --> 00:00:43,587 cursing at that freeway off-ramp veteran, 14 00:00:43,587 --> 00:00:45,826 please don't post that, all right, seriously. 15 00:00:45,826 --> 00:00:47,495 We all have bad days. 16 00:00:47,495 --> 00:00:49,866 Our top story: the latest Brad Pitt film 17 00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:51,504 will be shot right here in Quahog. 18 00:00:51,504 --> 00:00:53,707 Pitt will play former New Jersey governor 19 00:00:53,808 --> 00:00:54,543 Chris Christie. 20 00:00:54,643 --> 00:00:57,147 Brad Pitt is playing Chris Christie?! 21 00:00:57,247 --> 00:00:59,252 It should be a fat guy playing that role! 22 00:00:59,252 --> 00:01:02,458 Chris Christie didn't eat 10,000 Jersey Mike's subs 23 00:01:02,458 --> 00:01:04,763 just to be played by a Hollywood pretty boy. 24 00:01:04,763 --> 00:01:07,903 That's offensive, and I, for one, will not stand for it. 25 00:01:07,903 --> 00:01:10,842 Although that's mostly due to cardiovascular disease. 26 00:01:10,842 --> 00:01:12,177 I got to sit down. 27 00:01:12,177 --> 00:01:14,248 Peter, you know, you've actually got a valid point. 28 00:01:14,248 --> 00:01:16,285 Oh, boy. Here comes the soapbox. 29 00:01:16,419 --> 00:01:18,791 It's shameful Hollywood would pass over the many talented 30 00:01:18,891 --> 00:01:21,864 plus-sized actors who are much more deserving of the role. 31 00:01:21,864 --> 00:01:23,433 - Name two. - Jonah Hill? 32 00:01:23,433 --> 00:01:25,137 - He's thin now. - Uh, Fat Albert? 33 00:01:25,270 --> 00:01:26,540 - Not real. - James Corden? 34 00:01:26,540 --> 00:01:28,310 He's been canceled for sending eggs back. 35 00:01:28,410 --> 00:01:30,949 Well, it's just another example of Hollywood's history 36 00:01:30,949 --> 00:01:32,553 of exclusionary casting, 37 00:01:32,553 --> 00:01:35,290 - whitewashing and thin-washing. - Exactly. 38 00:01:35,290 --> 00:01:38,063 Like Mike Myers playing an Indian man in The Love Guru. 39 00:01:38,163 --> 00:01:40,300 Or Marlon and Shawn Wayans 40 00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:42,371 playing White Chicks. 41 00:01:42,371 --> 00:01:44,509 Or Mickey Rooney playing an offensive stereotype 42 00:01:44,509 --> 00:01:46,547 of an Asian man in Breakfast at Tiffany's. 43 00:01:46,647 --> 00:01:48,818 I don't know that movie, but I like breakfast. 44 00:01:48,918 --> 00:01:50,387 Oh, come on, you two. 45 00:01:50,387 --> 00:01:52,558 You're really offended that one of the biggest movie stars 46 00:01:52,558 --> 00:01:56,165 on the planet is coming to our crap town to shoot a movie? 47 00:01:56,165 --> 00:01:58,002 I mean, Brad Pitt could put it anywhere, 48 00:01:58,002 --> 00:01:59,739 - with any of us. - Facts. 49 00:01:59,739 --> 00:02:02,980 I mean, when was the last time a celebrity visited Quahog? 50 00:02:02,980 --> 00:02:04,916 - Uh, Jared Fogle. - Who? 51 00:02:04,916 --> 00:02:06,185 The Subway Guy. Remember? 52 00:02:06,285 --> 00:02:07,589 He was here for a public appearance. 53 00:02:07,589 --> 00:02:09,058 Took a shine to Chris for some reason. 54 00:02:09,058 --> 00:02:10,327 Took him camping. 55 00:02:10,327 --> 00:02:12,231 Had these weird candies he'd only let Chris eat. 56 00:02:12,231 --> 00:02:14,536 How come I don't remember any of this? 57 00:02:14,536 --> 00:02:16,339 Ah, too many video games, buddy. 58 00:02:16,339 --> 00:02:17,909 They're rotting your brains. 59 00:02:17,909 --> 00:02:20,047 Get your hands off me, Jared! 60 00:02:20,047 --> 00:02:22,250 You're really gonna complain about Brad Pitt? 61 00:02:22,250 --> 00:02:24,189 Who cares what role he's playing?! 62 00:02:24,189 --> 00:02:25,758 Well, that's easy for you to say, Lois. 63 00:02:25,758 --> 00:02:28,463 Women have no idea what it's like for us men, 64 00:02:28,463 --> 00:02:30,802 being held up to impossible standards of beauty 65 00:02:30,802 --> 00:02:31,737 in the media. 66 00:02:31,737 --> 00:02:33,975 Ooh, Jennifer Lawrence has a new movie. 67 00:02:33,975 --> 00:02:35,512 Eh! Too old. Next. 68 00:02:35,512 --> 00:02:37,181 Peter, I think you're right to protest. 69 00:02:37,181 --> 00:02:38,817 - I'll even join you. - Thanks, Brian. 70 00:02:38,817 --> 00:02:41,656 Sometimes you just got to stand up for what's right. 71 00:02:41,656 --> 00:02:43,728 That's why I stood up to Kanye West. 72 00:02:43,728 --> 00:02:46,600 Dinosaurs were created by the Illuminati. 73 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:49,371 The government hides secrets in SpaghettiOs. 74 00:02:49,371 --> 00:02:50,975 And Hitler would've won Wimbledon 75 00:02:51,075 --> 00:02:52,746 if he played tennis, bro. 76 00:02:52,746 --> 00:02:54,582 Sir, sir, sir. 77 00:02:54,582 --> 00:02:57,588 We do not wear shoes in this house. 78 00:02:58,690 --> 00:03:02,264 Thank you. Now please continue about Wimbledon. 79 00:03:04,368 --> 00:03:07,441 Overweight is overdue! 80 00:03:07,441 --> 00:03:09,445 Wow, I'm impressed, Peter. 81 00:03:09,445 --> 00:03:11,115 Yeah, it's going great. 82 00:03:11,115 --> 00:03:12,919 News trucks even showed up to cover it. 83 00:03:12,919 --> 00:03:15,558 I-I think... I think those are just food trucks. 84 00:03:15,658 --> 00:03:18,263 Come on, you know you want some. 85 00:03:18,263 --> 00:03:19,566 Hi, fellas. 86 00:03:19,566 --> 00:03:21,737 Oh, hey. Thanks for coming out to support us. 87 00:03:21,837 --> 00:03:24,308 "Dangerous Curves Ahead." 88 00:03:25,477 --> 00:03:28,083 Oh... Right? 89 00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:30,287 Oh, that is good. 90 00:03:30,287 --> 00:03:32,124 You get it. 91 00:03:32,257 --> 00:03:34,896 That... that is clever. 92 00:03:34,996 --> 00:03:35,999 Am I right? 93 00:03:37,268 --> 00:03:39,607 That, that's good. That's good. 94 00:03:39,607 --> 00:03:41,843 - Isn't it, though? - Yeah, yeah. 95 00:03:41,843 --> 00:03:44,816 Brian, can you explain that shirt to me later? 96 00:03:48,323 --> 00:03:50,360 Protesters were on hand today at the set of 97 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:53,233 the new Chris Christie biopic being filmed in Quahog. 98 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:56,305 They were protesting the casting of Hollywood superstar Brad Pitt 99 00:03:56,405 --> 00:03:59,244 in the lead role and not a person of heft. 100 00:03:59,244 --> 00:04:01,415 Well, Peter, I'm just glad you're on the news 101 00:04:01,516 --> 00:04:04,789 for something other than sitting on a hamster at a school event. 102 00:04:07,696 --> 00:04:09,331 Hey, they said they weren't gonna put that! 103 00:04:11,335 --> 00:04:13,173 Mr. Griffin, hi. 104 00:04:13,273 --> 00:04:14,910 I'm Josh Universal from the movie. 105 00:04:15,010 --> 00:04:17,549 I'm taking a break from my horrific cocaine habit 106 00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:19,586 to ask you to sit down with our producers 107 00:04:19,586 --> 00:04:22,725 for a "listening session" to hear your concerns. 108 00:04:22,725 --> 00:04:25,598 And, on an unrelated note, can I use your bathroom, 109 00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:27,468 and does anyone have a rolled-up bill? 110 00:04:27,569 --> 00:04:30,039 Oh, of course. I got a special five just for that. 111 00:04:30,841 --> 00:04:34,516 All right, let's get zapped and go see a play! 112 00:04:39,091 --> 00:04:41,295 Hmm. That's odd. 113 00:04:46,540 --> 00:04:48,778 Mr. Griffin, thank you for meeting with us. 114 00:04:48,778 --> 00:04:49,946 Have a seat. 115 00:04:49,946 --> 00:04:51,382 Not on my lap! 116 00:04:51,482 --> 00:04:53,085 Sorry. I'm a little nervous. 117 00:04:53,186 --> 00:04:55,824 Peter Griffin, please meet Brad Pitt. 118 00:04:59,566 --> 00:05:01,637 George Clooney's boyfriend? 119 00:05:01,637 --> 00:05:04,375 No, no. A few years ago, he was cast in a marriage. 120 00:05:04,375 --> 00:05:06,246 Mr. Griffin, we've asked you here 121 00:05:06,246 --> 00:05:07,816 because we understand you have an issue 122 00:05:07,916 --> 00:05:09,853 with Brad playing the lead role in our movie. 123 00:05:09,853 --> 00:05:13,594 We want to make sure we hear and ignore all your concerns. 124 00:05:13,694 --> 00:05:16,232 Look, I know Brad Pitt is a big star and all, 125 00:05:16,232 --> 00:05:18,369 but he's playing Chris Christie, who's a fat guy. 126 00:05:18,469 --> 00:05:21,142 It seems unfair that the role didn't go to a fat guy. 127 00:05:21,142 --> 00:05:22,377 It only makes sense. 128 00:05:22,477 --> 00:05:24,549 Don't you think we should cast the best actor, 129 00:05:24,549 --> 00:05:25,952 letting them interpret the role, 130 00:05:26,052 --> 00:05:27,922 rather than depending on physical traits? 131 00:05:28,022 --> 00:05:30,394 Not if you're taking the role away from a fat guy. 132 00:05:30,394 --> 00:05:33,066 But, Mr. Griffin, Brad Pitt is a highly skilled actor 133 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:36,406 who's won an Oscar and lots of garbage Golden Globes. 134 00:05:36,507 --> 00:05:37,876 You're not hearing my concerns. 135 00:05:37,876 --> 00:05:39,913 You don't know the challenges fat guys face. 136 00:05:40,046 --> 00:05:42,083 What it's like to have to rock multiple times 137 00:05:42,183 --> 00:05:44,488 to get off the couch, or how it feels to have to poke 138 00:05:44,488 --> 00:05:46,425 a new hole in your belt with a nail, 139 00:05:46,425 --> 00:05:48,429 only to realize the end no longer 140 00:05:48,429 --> 00:05:49,733 tucks into the little loop, 141 00:05:49,833 --> 00:05:51,302 or the shame of getting thrown out 142 00:05:51,302 --> 00:05:52,639 of a strip club for touching. 143 00:05:52,639 --> 00:05:54,743 That last thing doesn't seem like a weight issue. 144 00:05:54,743 --> 00:05:56,513 You sound just like the judge! 145 00:05:56,614 --> 00:05:59,418 Look, the casting of this movie is offensive to fat people, 146 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:02,023 and I won't rest until it gets shut down. 147 00:06:03,259 --> 00:06:04,663 Mr. Griffin, look, 148 00:06:04,663 --> 00:06:08,269 what if we made you our "official fat guy consultant"? 149 00:06:08,369 --> 00:06:09,973 Do you think I'm an idiot? 150 00:06:10,073 --> 00:06:11,677 Yes! What if I told you 151 00:06:11,677 --> 00:06:14,549 we'll give you a P.A. who will get you anything you want? 152 00:06:14,549 --> 00:06:16,419 Deal. 20 Happy Meals, please. 153 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:18,591 He's actually Judd Apatow's nephew Zack. 154 00:06:18,591 --> 00:06:20,127 You can't tell him what to do. 155 00:06:20,260 --> 00:06:21,529 In fact, you work for him. 156 00:06:21,529 --> 00:06:22,899 I want you to get me this thing, 157 00:06:22,999 --> 00:06:25,437 and I can't remember what it is or where I saw it. 158 00:06:25,437 --> 00:06:28,510 Wow, I'm gonna learn so much from his last name. 159 00:06:37,762 --> 00:06:40,066 The new season of White Lotus is weird. 160 00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:42,672 Griffins, you are looking at the Chris Christie movie's 161 00:06:42,672 --> 00:06:44,843 official fat guy consultant. 162 00:06:44,843 --> 00:06:47,682 Boy, that's a garbage title if I ever heard one. 163 00:06:47,682 --> 00:06:49,719 What? Wait a minute, so instead of demanding 164 00:06:49,819 --> 00:06:51,890 they cast a plus-sized actor, you caved 165 00:06:51,890 --> 00:06:53,727 when they offered you a meaningless title? 166 00:06:53,727 --> 00:06:56,231 - What about everything you fought for? - Don't you see, Brian? 167 00:06:56,231 --> 00:06:59,338 Now I can work the system from the inside with dignity. 168 00:06:59,338 --> 00:07:02,044 Yes, Mr. Apatow's nephew? 169 00:07:02,846 --> 00:07:05,216 Yes, Mr. Apatow's nephew. 170 00:07:06,252 --> 00:07:08,724 Yes, Mr. Apatow's nephew. 171 00:07:08,724 --> 00:07:10,995 What does a fat guy consultant even do? 172 00:07:10,995 --> 00:07:13,734 I'm the personal weight-gain coach for Brad Pitt. 173 00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:15,370 Wou-Would we get to meet him? 174 00:07:15,370 --> 00:07:17,642 Sure. My job is to teach him how to think, 175 00:07:17,742 --> 00:07:19,513 eat and live like a fat guy. 176 00:07:19,513 --> 00:07:21,216 So, just like that, you're giving up? 177 00:07:21,216 --> 00:07:22,618 Brian, I'm a fat guy. 178 00:07:22,618 --> 00:07:23,988 I got all fired up about something, 179 00:07:24,088 --> 00:07:26,960 and now I'm tired and I'd like some custard. 180 00:07:30,534 --> 00:07:33,540 Guys, I'd like you to meet my new friend Brad Pitt. 181 00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:36,011 - Oh, my God! - Whoa, nice to meet you. 182 00:07:36,111 --> 00:07:38,651 - Who's this now? - He's a very famous actor. 183 00:07:38,651 --> 00:07:40,521 He's like the white Morris Chestnut. 184 00:07:40,621 --> 00:07:42,424 - Oh, damn! - Wow! 185 00:07:42,525 --> 00:07:44,730 I can't believe I'm sitting here with Brad Pitt. 186 00:07:44,730 --> 00:07:46,065 I've got so many questions. 187 00:07:46,065 --> 00:07:48,570 Like, what are the other rules of Fight Club? 188 00:07:48,570 --> 00:07:50,107 Well, the first rule is-- 189 00:07:50,207 --> 00:07:51,610 No, I'm clear on the first rule. 190 00:07:51,710 --> 00:07:54,448 And I know the second rule is just repeating the first. 191 00:07:54,448 --> 00:07:55,785 But there's got to be loads more. 192 00:07:55,885 --> 00:07:59,257 Like, I got to think "no sack attacks" is on there. 193 00:07:59,257 --> 00:08:00,527 Hey, Brad. Any chance I could get 194 00:08:00,628 --> 00:08:02,397 Jennifer Aniston's number from you? 195 00:08:02,497 --> 00:08:03,701 I know she's got to be a nightmare, 196 00:08:03,801 --> 00:08:06,172 but she keeps it so freakin' tight. 197 00:08:06,172 --> 00:08:07,240 Okay, enough small talk. 198 00:08:07,340 --> 00:08:08,677 Let's do what I brought him here for: 199 00:08:08,677 --> 00:08:10,581 to break the Internet with a group 200 00:08:10,681 --> 00:08:13,386 head-smushed-together selfie. 201 00:08:14,822 --> 00:08:17,562 Kevin Spacey? Get out of here. 202 00:08:17,662 --> 00:08:19,699 You're not allowed to be in head-smushed-together photos 203 00:08:19,699 --> 00:08:20,768 after what you did. 204 00:08:20,768 --> 00:08:23,507 Not guilty on all British counts. 205 00:08:23,507 --> 00:08:26,078 Oh, that rascal. 206 00:08:31,055 --> 00:08:34,061 Hi, you must be Peter's wife. I'm Brad. 207 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:40,575 Oh, I know who you are. I'm-- 208 00:08:40,675 --> 00:08:42,512 Hi, I'm-- 209 00:08:42,512 --> 00:08:43,981 Stewart. Charmed. 210 00:08:43,981 --> 00:08:45,717 I know you dump people when they're 40, 211 00:08:45,717 --> 00:08:48,624 but that still gives us 39 good years. 212 00:08:48,724 --> 00:08:50,728 Pleased to meet you, Mr. Pitt. 213 00:08:50,828 --> 00:08:52,899 Um, when you did that movie Snatch, 214 00:08:52,899 --> 00:08:55,036 did you know that also means something else? 215 00:08:55,136 --> 00:08:56,707 Because it very much does. 216 00:08:56,807 --> 00:08:59,244 That's a sticky handshake you got there, Chris. 217 00:08:59,244 --> 00:09:01,215 Peter, I was wondering if I could spend some time 218 00:09:01,215 --> 00:09:03,821 with you and your family, observing how you live 219 00:09:03,821 --> 00:09:06,292 and how you eat, to prepare for the role. 220 00:09:06,292 --> 00:09:07,695 Sure, I'd be glad to help. 221 00:09:07,795 --> 00:09:09,933 Wow, I ain't had a celebrity ask me for a favor 222 00:09:10,033 --> 00:09:12,705 since Jeremy Renner asked me to shovel out his driveway. 223 00:09:12,805 --> 00:09:16,580 Uh, Jeremy, in light of recent events, uh... 224 00:09:16,580 --> 00:09:19,151 could ol' Pete borrow your skis? 225 00:09:21,957 --> 00:09:24,762 Okay, Brad, I'm gonna teach you to be a fat guy. 226 00:09:24,863 --> 00:09:26,900 For starters, this is where we eat. 227 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,972 Um, excuse me, Mr. Pitt, but would you mind 228 00:09:30,073 --> 00:09:31,910 if I FaceTime my friends with you here? 229 00:09:31,910 --> 00:09:34,181 Oh, my God, they'll go crazy! 230 00:09:34,281 --> 00:09:35,851 Sure, Meg, it'd be my pleasure. 231 00:09:48,042 --> 00:09:49,712 Oh, boy. 232 00:09:50,715 --> 00:09:53,085 Oh, this-this is sad. 233 00:09:54,522 --> 00:09:58,095 Oh, this-this is just... Oh... 234 00:09:58,195 --> 00:10:00,634 Why don't I just take this, dear. 235 00:10:06,813 --> 00:10:09,018 Okay, Brad, now, another fat guy rule is that 236 00:10:09,118 --> 00:10:11,088 when you're out at restaurants, always act like 237 00:10:11,088 --> 00:10:12,759 you're on the fence about dessert. 238 00:10:12,759 --> 00:10:14,896 So, folks, we thinking dessert? 239 00:10:14,896 --> 00:10:16,800 Seriously? You must be joking. 240 00:10:16,900 --> 00:10:19,639 I cannot move. No, sir. No way. 241 00:10:19,639 --> 00:10:21,510 Absolutely stuffed to the gills. 242 00:10:21,510 --> 00:10:22,912 Gonna have to take a rain check. 243 00:10:23,012 --> 00:10:25,116 Although... No, no, I can't even suggest it. 244 00:10:25,217 --> 00:10:28,623 We are done. Done-a-roo. Check, please. 245 00:10:28,623 --> 00:10:30,093 Although... just thinking, 246 00:10:30,093 --> 00:10:31,663 I don't know when we'll be back here. 247 00:10:31,763 --> 00:10:33,667 I read about the award-winning pastry chef-- 248 00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:35,403 Wait, what am I saying? No! No. 249 00:10:35,504 --> 00:10:37,006 Stop me, please, someone, please. 250 00:10:37,140 --> 00:10:38,443 Bring the check now. 251 00:10:38,544 --> 00:10:40,748 Okay, you know what, we'll get one order and we'll all share. 252 00:10:40,848 --> 00:10:42,852 One dessert, one dish, five spoons. 253 00:10:42,952 --> 00:10:44,155 Whoever wants can have some. 254 00:10:44,155 --> 00:10:46,325 One plate. One of everything. My plate. 255 00:10:46,325 --> 00:10:48,395 One spoon. No share. 256 00:10:51,102 --> 00:10:53,039 Now, Brad, if you're gonna play a fat guy on camera, 257 00:10:53,039 --> 00:10:55,911 you got to learn how to do the rope swing. 258 00:10:58,116 --> 00:10:59,919 Okay, let me show you how it's done. 259 00:11:05,263 --> 00:11:07,467 900,000 views. 260 00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:09,672 - I'm learning so much. - That's great. 261 00:11:09,772 --> 00:11:11,676 Hey, can you click on a porn site for me? 262 00:11:11,676 --> 00:11:13,279 Otherwise I got to peck it with my nose 263 00:11:13,279 --> 00:11:15,316 like a tic-tac-toe chicken. 264 00:11:21,796 --> 00:11:23,634 Here you go. 265 00:11:23,634 --> 00:11:25,203 Thanks so much, Mrs. Griffin. 266 00:11:25,303 --> 00:11:26,806 I love a home-cooked meal. 267 00:11:26,806 --> 00:11:29,512 Well, we are so happy to have you. 268 00:11:29,512 --> 00:11:30,981 - How's Shiloh? - Who? 269 00:11:30,981 --> 00:11:32,518 - How's Maddox? - Who? 270 00:11:32,518 --> 00:11:34,221 - How's Zahara? - Who? 271 00:11:34,221 --> 00:11:35,624 - How's Pax? - Who? 272 00:11:35,624 --> 00:11:36,960 - How's Vivienne? - Who? 273 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:38,228 - How's Knox? - Who? 274 00:11:38,228 --> 00:11:40,133 Ignore her, she can be so annoying. 275 00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:42,004 Sometimes I wish I had a private plane 276 00:11:42,104 --> 00:11:44,140 just so I could choke her on it. 277 00:11:47,748 --> 00:11:49,084 Hey, can I get you anything? 278 00:11:49,184 --> 00:11:52,357 Another pork-n-Cheetos sandwich or a buffalo latte? 279 00:11:52,357 --> 00:11:53,627 I'm good, Peter, thanks. 280 00:11:53,627 --> 00:11:55,196 Brad, you're up! 281 00:11:58,970 --> 00:12:01,041 Ah! Brad? Are you okay? 282 00:12:01,041 --> 00:12:03,747 My back. I threw out my back. I can't move. 283 00:12:03,747 --> 00:12:05,483 Hey, since you can't really move right now, 284 00:12:05,483 --> 00:12:07,253 this is probably a good time to ask, 285 00:12:07,253 --> 00:12:09,191 what's Juliette Lewis really like? 286 00:12:09,291 --> 00:12:12,263 Nice. Talented. Professional. 287 00:12:12,263 --> 00:12:15,136 - A little shrill. - Yeah, a little shrill. Yeah, that sounds right. 288 00:12:18,643 --> 00:12:20,915 I don't think I can walk. 289 00:12:20,915 --> 00:12:22,885 We can't push back our schedule any more. 290 00:12:22,885 --> 00:12:24,855 If Brad's injured, what are we gonna do? 291 00:12:24,855 --> 00:12:26,425 We'll need a new Chris Christie. 292 00:12:26,425 --> 00:12:29,999 But who could possibly play that role on such short notice? 293 00:12:31,435 --> 00:12:32,771 I can play that role. 294 00:12:32,771 --> 00:12:34,843 Griffin, you're not even an actor. 295 00:12:34,843 --> 00:12:37,615 No, but what I am is a real fat guy. 296 00:12:37,615 --> 00:12:39,150 Brad Pitt was never the right choice. 297 00:12:39,150 --> 00:12:42,324 This role calls for real-life fat guy authenticity. 298 00:12:42,324 --> 00:12:44,227 I mean, would Transparent have been as good 299 00:12:44,227 --> 00:12:45,965 if they just put a guy in a dress? 300 00:12:46,065 --> 00:12:47,868 Would Neil Patrick Harris have been as funny 301 00:12:47,969 --> 00:12:49,506 on How I Met Your Mother if he wasn't 302 00:12:49,606 --> 00:12:51,342 a known heterosexual horndog? 303 00:12:51,442 --> 00:12:53,313 Would Tropic Thunder have been as authentic 304 00:12:53,413 --> 00:12:56,953 if Robert Downey Jr. wasn't a dignified Black man? 305 00:12:57,855 --> 00:12:59,559 We're in a jam. What do you think? 306 00:12:59,692 --> 00:13:01,529 I don't think we have any other choice. 307 00:13:01,663 --> 00:13:03,734 All right, Griffin, you got the part. 308 00:13:03,834 --> 00:13:05,837 Awesome! I'm gonna FaceTime my friends. 309 00:13:05,837 --> 00:13:07,575 They're gonna be so excited for me. 310 00:13:13,787 --> 00:13:15,489 Oh, boy. 311 00:13:16,693 --> 00:13:18,462 Oh, this-this is sad. 312 00:13:24,208 --> 00:13:26,479 We now return to a steamy business drama 313 00:13:26,479 --> 00:13:28,550 where no one understands what's happening. 314 00:13:28,550 --> 00:13:31,422 Are you saying we should forge the EBITDA projections 315 00:13:31,422 --> 00:13:32,858 - for the quarterlies? - No. 316 00:13:32,958 --> 00:13:34,529 I'm saying we declare a revenue-miss 317 00:13:34,529 --> 00:13:36,098 while issuing additional shares 318 00:13:36,098 --> 00:13:38,570 based on reduced capitalization estimates. 319 00:13:38,704 --> 00:13:40,674 Jim, you're in grave danger 320 00:13:40,674 --> 00:13:42,410 of violating the Glass-Steagall Act. 321 00:13:42,410 --> 00:13:44,982 They haven't shown a bare ass in three weeks! 322 00:13:45,082 --> 00:13:46,753 Show me your ass, Jim. 323 00:13:46,753 --> 00:13:47,989 And I'm back. 324 00:13:47,989 --> 00:13:50,861 Griffins, you are looking at the new lead 325 00:13:50,961 --> 00:13:52,765 in the Chris Christie movie. 326 00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:55,403 You? Wh-What happened to Brad Pitt? 327 00:13:55,403 --> 00:13:57,508 It's what I've been saying all along, Lois. 328 00:13:57,608 --> 00:13:58,844 He can't do what I do. 329 00:13:58,844 --> 00:14:00,881 He doesn't bring the fat guy authenticity. 330 00:14:00,981 --> 00:14:03,019 His sweat doesn't smell like french fries. 331 00:14:03,119 --> 00:14:05,056 He doesn't bring the sky-high blood pressure 332 00:14:05,156 --> 00:14:06,726 or the jolting sleep apnea. 333 00:14:06,826 --> 00:14:08,730 I have that gift. That's why. 334 00:14:08,730 --> 00:14:10,734 Peter, this is ridiculous. 335 00:14:10,868 --> 00:14:12,437 You can't play Chris Christie. 336 00:14:12,437 --> 00:14:14,341 You're not even an actor. 337 00:14:14,341 --> 00:14:15,578 Oh, no? 338 00:14:15,578 --> 00:14:19,418 Yes, Lois! Yes! Yes! Oh! 339 00:14:19,418 --> 00:14:20,855 Sound familiar? 340 00:14:20,855 --> 00:14:22,925 - But how do you...? - Squirt gun full of Ivory. 341 00:14:23,025 --> 00:14:26,499 Sorry, Lunchables, I'm afraid I've lost my appetite. 342 00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:27,902 Peter, I'm proud of you. 343 00:14:27,902 --> 00:14:29,304 You're actually making important strides 344 00:14:29,404 --> 00:14:31,876 on behalf of inclusivity and cultural sensitivity. 345 00:14:31,876 --> 00:14:33,146 Yeah, I'm all for that stuff. 346 00:14:33,279 --> 00:14:34,715 As long as we don't got to take down 347 00:14:34,715 --> 00:14:36,185 the Confederate statue in the yard. 348 00:14:36,285 --> 00:14:38,021 That's for history and learning. 349 00:14:38,021 --> 00:14:39,626 Even if they did come in second place 350 00:14:39,626 --> 00:14:41,194 out of two armies in a war. 351 00:14:41,295 --> 00:14:44,268 - So, how'd we do? - Second place, baby. 352 00:14:44,368 --> 00:14:45,771 Hey, not bad. 353 00:14:45,871 --> 00:14:48,408 Silver medal. Whoo! 354 00:14:51,983 --> 00:14:54,221 Okay, Peter, so, in this next scene, 355 00:14:54,321 --> 00:14:57,293 Christie would probably struggle in the heat and sun 356 00:14:57,293 --> 00:14:59,131 on the George Washington Bridge. 357 00:14:59,131 --> 00:15:01,803 You presume to lecture me what it's like? 358 00:15:01,803 --> 00:15:04,041 How dare you thinsplain to me? 359 00:15:04,041 --> 00:15:06,780 Talk to me when your BMI is over 35. 360 00:15:06,780 --> 00:15:08,783 Wow, a real live movie set. 361 00:15:08,783 --> 00:15:10,854 So cool to be here for the magic. 362 00:15:10,854 --> 00:15:12,658 Yeah, and look, there's a child star 363 00:15:12,658 --> 00:15:14,060 who's getting an hour of school. 364 00:15:14,161 --> 00:15:16,799 Okay, Billy, now, what color is this? 365 00:15:16,799 --> 00:15:18,537 - Blue? - Close enough. 366 00:15:18,537 --> 00:15:19,572 Now get back out there 367 00:15:19,572 --> 00:15:22,512 and be the most distracting part of any film. 368 00:15:23,747 --> 00:15:25,751 ♪ Making a movie ♪ 369 00:15:25,751 --> 00:15:29,057 ♪ Not as glamorous as it seems ♪ 370 00:15:29,057 --> 00:15:30,561 ♪ Standing around ♪ 371 00:15:30,561 --> 00:15:33,065 ♪ For three hours just to move a light ♪ 372 00:15:33,065 --> 00:15:36,640 ♪ Tripping over thick cables everywhere ♪ 373 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:42,150 ♪ Spending all day shooting one ten-second scene, yeah ♪ 374 00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:46,191 ♪ Waving flies off the craft service table ♪ 375 00:15:47,795 --> 00:15:49,231 ♪ Making a movie ♪ 376 00:15:49,331 --> 00:15:52,572 ♪ Way more tedious than it seems ♪ 377 00:15:52,672 --> 00:15:56,311 ♪ The most important job is the editor ♪ 378 00:15:56,411 --> 00:16:00,320 ♪ Staring at a frame for 18 hours straight ♪ 379 00:16:00,420 --> 00:16:03,694 ♪ Most of them snap and go crazy ♪ 380 00:16:03,794 --> 00:16:08,804 ♪ Even a dumb cartoon like this takes 18 months ♪ 381 00:16:08,804 --> 00:16:13,412 ♪ What are we all doing? ♪ 382 00:16:19,190 --> 00:16:21,729 Oh, Peter, your big movie premiere. 383 00:16:21,863 --> 00:16:23,465 This is so exciting! 384 00:16:23,566 --> 00:16:26,405 Did Dr. Hartman bring a woman in a coma as his date? 385 00:16:26,540 --> 00:16:29,512 Hey, guys, big night, huh? See you in there. 386 00:16:31,583 --> 00:16:34,989 Oh, God, here come those mindless entertainment reporters 387 00:16:34,989 --> 00:16:36,892 who only want to know, "Who are you wearing?" 388 00:16:36,993 --> 00:16:38,697 - Stewie! - Stewie. - Over here, Stewie. 389 00:16:38,697 --> 00:16:41,101 How do you respond to those who accuse your show 390 00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:43,239 of trafficking in decades of misogyny, 391 00:16:43,239 --> 00:16:46,011 homophobia and racially insensitive stereotyping? 392 00:16:46,145 --> 00:16:48,650 Uh... Thom Browne, thank you. 393 00:16:48,650 --> 00:16:50,052 Go, Brian. Go, go, go, go, go. 394 00:16:50,152 --> 00:16:52,791 And here's the star of the film, Peter Griffin. 395 00:16:52,891 --> 00:16:54,293 What are you wearing tonight, Peter? 396 00:16:54,293 --> 00:16:57,167 Well, Tom, the shirt is actually two shirts sewn together. 397 00:16:57,167 --> 00:16:59,605 The jacket is stolen from a steak house maître d', 398 00:16:59,605 --> 00:17:01,207 and the pants are a towel. 399 00:17:01,207 --> 00:17:03,813 You know, I hear you were quite the prankster on set. 400 00:17:03,813 --> 00:17:04,983 Well, it wasn't so much pranks 401 00:17:05,083 --> 00:17:06,285 as yelling and shouting at women. 402 00:17:06,285 --> 00:17:07,754 Yeah, a lot of 'em aren't here tonight. 403 00:17:07,754 --> 00:17:10,326 They're doing some town hall meeting with Gloria Allred. 404 00:17:10,326 --> 00:17:12,229 Ah, we'll see what happens. 405 00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:18,577 The after-party's at a Panera 406 00:17:18,577 --> 00:17:21,281 that's still open to normal customers. 407 00:17:23,620 --> 00:17:25,055 Thank you all for coming. 408 00:17:25,189 --> 00:17:26,959 Giggity. - It was a lot of hard work. 409 00:17:26,959 --> 00:17:30,233 Giggity. - And thanks to the unnecessarily long writers' strike, 410 00:17:30,233 --> 00:17:33,439 we were unable to write a third joke for this speech. 411 00:17:35,076 --> 00:17:36,979 - Hey! - Ow! 412 00:17:36,979 --> 00:17:38,249 That's your father's movie up there. 413 00:17:38,249 --> 00:17:39,953 Pay attention, you dope. 414 00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:48,503 Repeat after me. 415 00:17:48,637 --> 00:17:51,308 - I's am governor. - I's am governor. 416 00:17:51,308 --> 00:17:53,980 - Youse are not. - Youse are not. 417 00:17:53,980 --> 00:17:56,719 Big Pussy didn't deserve to die like that 418 00:17:56,719 --> 00:17:58,055 in The Sopranos. 419 00:17:58,055 --> 00:17:59,424 But he was a freakin' rat! 420 00:17:59,525 --> 00:18:02,096 Congratulations, you are the governor of New Jersey. 421 00:18:02,096 --> 00:18:04,300 Now let's all root for the Jets and the Mets 422 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,104 like the idiots we are. 423 00:18:15,390 --> 00:18:18,395 Lord, please protect us from this coming hurricane. 424 00:18:18,496 --> 00:18:21,302 It's bad enough you gave me the same first and last name. 425 00:18:21,402 --> 00:18:23,740 Please don't let me be killed by a Sandy. 426 00:18:23,740 --> 00:18:27,715 The fellas at the Y would never let me hear the end of it. Amen. 427 00:18:31,857 --> 00:18:34,394 Oh, Chris, you're dying. 428 00:18:34,494 --> 00:18:36,899 Don't remember me like this. 429 00:18:36,999 --> 00:18:39,104 Remember me stuffed like a sausage 430 00:18:39,104 --> 00:18:41,976 into that NYPD softball uniform. 431 00:18:41,976 --> 00:18:44,782 ♪ But I would walk 500 miles ♪ 432 00:18:44,782 --> 00:18:48,623 ♪ And I would walk 500. ♪ 433 00:18:49,792 --> 00:18:51,562 Hey, that was terrific. 434 00:18:51,562 --> 00:18:54,167 Oh, what an achievement. 435 00:18:54,167 --> 00:18:55,704 You really did it, buddy. 436 00:18:55,704 --> 00:18:57,608 What are you guys talking about? I stunk. 437 00:18:57,708 --> 00:18:58,743 I can't act at all. 438 00:18:58,843 --> 00:19:00,145 No... 439 00:19:00,145 --> 00:19:03,285 You were, uh, very believably fat. 440 00:19:03,285 --> 00:19:04,922 Didn't you notice half the time 441 00:19:04,922 --> 00:19:06,425 I was staring right into the camera? 442 00:19:06,425 --> 00:19:09,030 They had to use peanut butter to get me on my mark. 443 00:19:09,030 --> 00:19:10,399 Yeah, but you've done a great thing 444 00:19:10,399 --> 00:19:12,403 for authenticity and inclusivity. 445 00:19:12,403 --> 00:19:13,740 I don't even know what those words mean, 446 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:16,077 I just like to see your tail wag when you say 'em. 447 00:19:16,177 --> 00:19:18,717 Peter, you're giving the marginalized a voice. 448 00:19:18,817 --> 00:19:20,086 How are they marginalized? 449 00:19:20,186 --> 00:19:22,323 The whole country's full of dumb, fat [bleep]. 450 00:19:22,457 --> 00:19:25,664 Now more than ever, we need authenticity and inclusivity. 451 00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:28,069 No, Brian. What we need is good actors. 452 00:19:28,169 --> 00:19:29,839 I don't care if they're Black, white, tall, 453 00:19:29,839 --> 00:19:31,208 short, thin, fat. 454 00:19:31,208 --> 00:19:32,712 Gay, straight-- you forgot those ones. 455 00:19:32,812 --> 00:19:35,049 Look, I-I admit I thought acting was easy. 456 00:19:35,149 --> 00:19:37,220 And maybe I was blinded by all the praise I got 457 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:38,523 from Harvey Weinstein. 458 00:19:38,523 --> 00:19:41,729 Peter, Harvey Weinstein hasn't had clout for like six years. 459 00:19:41,863 --> 00:19:44,434 Oh, boy. Then I may have done some things I'll regret. 460 00:19:45,035 --> 00:19:47,407 I don't know, I guess, as a fat guy, I-I got offended 461 00:19:47,407 --> 00:19:49,579 that Chris Christie wasn't played by a fat guy. 462 00:19:49,679 --> 00:19:52,116 But turns out it just needed to be a good actor. 463 00:19:52,116 --> 00:19:54,221 Maybe we should all spend less time judging 464 00:19:54,221 --> 00:19:55,490 and more time enjoying 465 00:19:55,591 --> 00:19:57,460 what different actors bring to different roles. 466 00:19:57,561 --> 00:19:59,898 That's the magic of movies and TV. 467 00:19:59,998 --> 00:20:01,368 And stepson porn. 468 00:20:01,502 --> 00:20:03,740 Chris, you don't have to join every conversation. 469 00:20:06,211 --> 00:20:07,480 Okay, look, look, I understand 470 00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:09,552 not everyone will agree on this issue, 471 00:20:09,552 --> 00:20:11,622 but let's discuss it in a civilized manner 472 00:20:11,622 --> 00:20:14,094 by making death threats from our individual homes 473 00:20:14,194 --> 00:20:15,964 to one another on the Internet. 474 00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:21,809 Right back at you, buddy. 475 00:20:27,587 --> 00:20:30,527 Well, I'm sorry your movie didn't go over well, Peter. 476 00:20:30,627 --> 00:20:32,129 Yeah, the money was good, but I got tired of 477 00:20:32,129 --> 00:20:33,365 all the one-night stands. 478 00:20:33,365 --> 00:20:34,367 - What? - Huh? 479 00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:35,837 Sorry, my ears have been clogged 480 00:20:35,837 --> 00:20:37,941 since I made out with that guy from the film crew. 481 00:20:37,941 --> 00:20:39,111 - What? - Huh? 482 00:20:39,111 --> 00:20:40,245 Well, I got to say, Bri, 483 00:20:40,245 --> 00:20:41,516 it might not have worked out for Dad, 484 00:20:41,516 --> 00:20:43,887 but I sure got bit by the acting bug. 485 00:20:43,887 --> 00:20:45,256 Really? You want to be an actor? 486 00:20:45,390 --> 00:20:47,828 Oh, yeah. I'd be great in Streetcar. 487 00:20:47,828 --> 00:20:51,569 Stella! Stella! 488 00:20:51,569 --> 00:20:52,971 What?! 489 00:20:52,971 --> 00:20:55,342 Is Aidan home?