1 00:00:01,269 --> 00:00:04,910 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,910 --> 00:00:07,882 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,882 --> 00:00:11,189 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,189 --> 00:00:14,329 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,329 --> 00:00:18,136 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,236 --> 00:00:21,409 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,510 --> 00:00:23,113 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,113 --> 00:00:24,382 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,382 --> 00:00:30,360 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:34,101 --> 00:00:35,771 So, Brian's checkup went very well. 11 00:00:35,872 --> 00:00:38,711 He only bit me eight times while I tried to brush his teeth. 12 00:00:38,711 --> 00:00:41,784 Wonderful. And does he have the red, hairless undercarriage 13 00:00:41,784 --> 00:00:43,588 - of an older dog? - He sure does. 14 00:00:43,588 --> 00:00:46,159 He's the Jason Alexander of hairless scroti. 15 00:00:46,159 --> 00:00:47,696 And you know, if you're interested, 16 00:00:47,696 --> 00:00:49,431 we're doing a 50% off promotion 17 00:00:49,431 --> 00:00:51,402 on our new, state-of-the-art tracking chip. 18 00:00:51,402 --> 00:00:54,308 It connects to an app that will monitor Brian's vitals 19 00:00:54,308 --> 00:00:55,878 and even has a Bluetooth speaker 20 00:00:55,978 --> 00:00:57,280 so you can play songs through him. 21 00:00:57,280 --> 00:00:59,151 Awesome! I'm gonna blast Ed Sheeran 22 00:00:59,151 --> 00:01:00,220 right through his stomach. 23 00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:03,193 That'll really showcase my milquetoast personality 24 00:01:03,193 --> 00:01:04,930 and lack of masculine vigor. 25 00:01:04,930 --> 00:01:06,166 Great. I'll introduce you to our nurse 26 00:01:06,166 --> 00:01:07,134 who handles the procedure. 27 00:01:07,134 --> 00:01:08,670 Hi, I'm Emma. 28 00:01:08,670 --> 00:01:11,009 And don't worry, I'm wearing scrubs that hide my tattoos 29 00:01:11,009 --> 00:01:12,078 to give you confidence. 30 00:01:12,178 --> 00:01:14,683 Terrific. And now, like in every hospital situation, 31 00:01:14,683 --> 00:01:17,354 I'll depart and a woman will do the actual work. 32 00:01:19,593 --> 00:01:21,329 Okay, we're almost done. 33 00:01:22,566 --> 00:01:24,168 And you're all set. 34 00:01:25,571 --> 00:01:27,876 Yeah! Playin' Ed Sheeran through my dog! 35 00:01:27,876 --> 00:01:29,212 I'm like a cool dentist! 36 00:01:29,212 --> 00:01:31,550 Wow, I barely felt that. You're very gentle. 37 00:01:31,550 --> 00:01:33,654 Thanks. I love animals. 38 00:01:33,754 --> 00:01:34,990 It's why I do this. 39 00:01:34,990 --> 00:01:38,229 I even pride myself on being able to find every dog's spot, 40 00:01:38,329 --> 00:01:39,600 right behind the ears. 41 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,870 Well, maybe you can find mine sometime. 42 00:01:41,870 --> 00:01:43,273 I'd be tempted to ask you to coffee, 43 00:01:43,273 --> 00:01:45,812 but I'm sure a girl like you is already seeing someone. 44 00:01:45,912 --> 00:01:47,982 I wish. Guys don't want a girlfriend 45 00:01:48,083 --> 00:01:49,953 who comes home smelling like dog pee. 46 00:01:49,953 --> 00:01:51,289 I'm practically a fire hydrant. 47 00:01:51,289 --> 00:01:53,794 Is-is, uh, is, uh, is that right? 48 00:01:53,794 --> 00:01:56,232 Yeah, and my car's so filthy. 49 00:01:56,332 --> 00:01:58,069 I need someone to stick their head out the window 50 00:01:58,170 --> 00:01:59,171 to help navigate. 51 00:01:59,171 --> 00:02:00,407 H-Head-- head out the window? 52 00:02:00,508 --> 00:02:03,146 To be honest, all I like to do is play tennis, 53 00:02:03,146 --> 00:02:04,649 but I'm not even that good. 54 00:02:04,649 --> 00:02:06,485 I keep hitting the balls over the fence 55 00:02:06,485 --> 00:02:08,023 and have no one to retrieve them-- 56 00:02:08,023 --> 00:02:10,394 Hey, hey, babe? Babe? I'm in. 57 00:02:10,394 --> 00:02:13,133 Well, I'm going to a concert this Friday. 58 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,103 Want to come? It's at Quahog Church. 59 00:02:15,103 --> 00:02:18,109 Church? So, is it, uh, Christian rock? 60 00:02:18,109 --> 00:02:20,247 Yeah. I'm an evangelical Christian. 61 00:02:20,247 --> 00:02:21,449 Is that a problem? 62 00:02:21,449 --> 00:02:23,253 Well, I-I'm not really a big fan of-- 63 00:02:23,253 --> 00:02:24,255 There's your spot. 64 00:02:24,255 --> 00:02:29,866 ¡Gol! 65 00:02:34,108 --> 00:02:36,680 Sorry, I interrupted you. You were saying? 66 00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:40,888 I-I-- why, just that I'm not a big fan of anything, but Jesus! 67 00:02:40,888 --> 00:02:42,391 He's the best! 68 00:02:42,391 --> 00:02:44,730 Well, him and whoever fired Bob Barker. 69 00:02:44,730 --> 00:02:45,998 Neuter yourself, dick. 70 00:02:45,998 --> 00:02:47,535 I know, what a jerk. 71 00:02:47,535 --> 00:02:49,840 Wasn't he also accused of sexual harassment? 72 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:50,975 Yeah, yeah, yeah... 73 00:02:51,075 --> 00:02:53,714 The dog stuff though, you know, come on. 74 00:02:56,620 --> 00:02:59,526 We now return to The Italian Tony Awards. 75 00:02:59,626 --> 00:03:02,098 Hey, I'm Tony, and for the 30th year in a row, 76 00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:05,237 the best musical is the only one that I've seen, Cats. 77 00:03:05,237 --> 00:03:06,339 Hey, you hear that? 78 00:03:06,339 --> 00:03:07,976 Tony likes a musical. 79 00:03:07,976 --> 00:03:09,479 Eh, pipe down, boombots. 80 00:03:09,479 --> 00:03:11,951 Everybody knows in high school you had an earring. 81 00:03:11,951 --> 00:03:13,821 All right, I'm going out. I'll see you guys later. 82 00:03:13,821 --> 00:03:16,827 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. W-What's that around your neck? 83 00:03:18,463 --> 00:03:22,104 Well, I, uh, I may have a date with a Christian girl. 84 00:03:22,104 --> 00:03:24,342 Huh. Must be hard for you not to bite 85 00:03:24,442 --> 00:03:26,179 what's essentially two crossed sticks. 86 00:03:26,312 --> 00:03:27,314 Oh, my God, it's so hard. 87 00:03:27,415 --> 00:03:28,684 It's literally all I can think about. 88 00:03:28,684 --> 00:03:30,588 But I-I really like this girl, you know? 89 00:03:30,688 --> 00:03:32,324 She's perfect in every other way. 90 00:03:32,324 --> 00:03:33,528 I don't know, Bri. You really think 91 00:03:33,528 --> 00:03:35,798 you can convince her you're Christian? 92 00:03:37,602 --> 00:03:39,171 Oh, you're good. 93 00:03:43,847 --> 00:03:48,190 Hello, evangelicals! Who out there is boring? 94 00:03:48,190 --> 00:03:49,424 We are! 95 00:03:49,424 --> 00:03:51,630 That's right! And before we start, 96 00:03:51,630 --> 00:03:53,233 I'd like to say a special hello 97 00:03:53,333 --> 00:03:55,303 to our only Black audience member, 98 00:03:55,403 --> 00:03:56,606 who's in the front row, 99 00:03:56,707 --> 00:03:59,779 so he's caught on all the camera shots. 100 00:04:01,583 --> 00:04:03,821 Wow. Look at all our diversity. 101 00:04:03,821 --> 00:04:06,459 Can you believe most people think us evangelicals 102 00:04:06,459 --> 00:04:08,196 are a bunch of nerdy losers? 103 00:04:08,196 --> 00:04:09,867 No. Come on. 104 00:04:09,867 --> 00:04:11,302 Seriously, it's true. 105 00:04:11,302 --> 00:04:13,841 Hey, I-I don't normally do this, 106 00:04:13,841 --> 00:04:17,047 but what do you say we go back to my place after this 107 00:04:17,147 --> 00:04:19,018 and get a little crazy? 108 00:04:19,118 --> 00:04:20,621 - Really? - Yeah. 109 00:04:20,722 --> 00:04:24,161 We'll eat sherbet and watch funny State Farm commercials. 110 00:04:24,262 --> 00:04:27,167 Uh, okay, and, and then we'll have sex? 111 00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:29,438 Sex? Brian, I'm Christian. 112 00:04:29,438 --> 00:04:31,744 And no good Christian believes in sex before marriage, 113 00:04:31,744 --> 00:04:34,381 except for every minister or politician you've ever heard of. 114 00:04:34,481 --> 00:04:37,823 But-but you scratched my spot. Y-You have tattoos. 115 00:04:37,823 --> 00:04:40,293 Yeah. Of Bible verses. 116 00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:44,503 Brian, I think you should leave. 117 00:04:44,503 --> 00:04:45,437 Well, fine. And frankly, 118 00:04:45,437 --> 00:04:47,474 I've been wanting to do this all night. 119 00:04:48,243 --> 00:04:49,746 My Jesus! Mine! 120 00:04:49,746 --> 00:04:52,418 Hey, you can't do that to our savior. 121 00:04:52,519 --> 00:04:56,058 Okay, okay, your savior. Your savior. 122 00:04:58,864 --> 00:05:01,335 We now return to a show about incest. 123 00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:03,372 - Gross. - Set 500 years ago. 124 00:05:03,372 --> 00:05:06,045 Ooh, sexy. I feel so sophisticated. 125 00:05:06,145 --> 00:05:07,381 Christianity sucks. 126 00:05:07,481 --> 00:05:09,485 It's stupid, arbitrary nonsense. 127 00:05:09,485 --> 00:05:11,322 You're horny and she wouldn't have sex with you. 128 00:05:11,322 --> 00:05:13,026 No. And I did everything right. 129 00:05:13,126 --> 00:05:14,529 I even researched abortion clinics 130 00:05:14,529 --> 00:05:15,464 in case the condom broke. 131 00:05:15,598 --> 00:05:17,735 Yeah, no, I know. It's in your Twitter bio. 132 00:05:21,442 --> 00:05:22,779 Fine, but look around. 133 00:05:22,779 --> 00:05:25,083 So much of the division and hatred in today's society 134 00:05:25,183 --> 00:05:27,955 comes from Christianity. And it's so hypocritical. 135 00:05:27,955 --> 00:05:30,293 I mean, they all vote for Trump, even though he's divorced. 136 00:05:30,427 --> 00:05:31,429 That's all you've got on Trump? 137 00:05:31,429 --> 00:05:34,602 Christianity is also anti-science, anti-freedom-- 138 00:05:34,602 --> 00:05:36,138 Come on, it's not all bad. 139 00:05:36,238 --> 00:05:39,546 I mean, I have a Swarthy Men of Nazareth advent calendar 140 00:05:39,646 --> 00:05:42,184 with doors opening for all 25 days. 141 00:05:42,284 --> 00:05:44,923 Talk about the "stars" of Bethlehem, hey, Bri? 142 00:05:44,923 --> 00:05:46,960 Whatever. Christianity is the worst thing 143 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:49,165 that ever happened to this country. Or the world. 144 00:05:49,165 --> 00:05:51,570 Well, perhaps. But it's been around for 2,000 years, 145 00:05:51,570 --> 00:05:53,941 so it's not like there's anything you can do about it. 146 00:05:54,041 --> 00:05:55,076 Well, I'm going to bed. 147 00:05:55,176 --> 00:05:56,446 I'll leave you to watch John Oliver 148 00:05:56,446 --> 00:05:57,782 and agree with yourself. 149 00:05:57,882 --> 00:06:00,988 Good. Love John Oliver. He's a louder Jon Stewart. 150 00:06:00,988 --> 00:06:05,063 Blimey, guv'na. Republicans are bollocks. 151 00:06:05,063 --> 00:06:06,633 God, the British are smart. 152 00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:09,471 But, man, if only I could get rid of Christianity. 153 00:06:09,471 --> 00:06:10,741 If only I could go back in time 154 00:06:10,741 --> 00:06:13,046 and stop it from ever taking root. 155 00:06:13,046 --> 00:06:14,916 Wait a minute, I can. 156 00:06:16,285 --> 00:06:17,722 Sounds like Brian is fixin' 157 00:06:17,722 --> 00:06:19,726 to use Stewie's time machine. 158 00:06:19,826 --> 00:06:21,495 I'm Mayor West, and my voice was sped up 159 00:06:21,495 --> 00:06:23,399 because the show ran too long. 160 00:06:37,060 --> 00:06:39,365 This time machine is password-protected. 161 00:06:39,365 --> 00:06:41,136 To enter, state name. 162 00:06:41,136 --> 00:06:43,205 Uh, uh, Stewie Griffin. 163 00:06:43,305 --> 00:06:45,143 To prove you're Stewie Griffin, 164 00:06:45,143 --> 00:06:47,047 what is your favorite Lizzo song? 165 00:06:47,047 --> 00:06:50,187 Uh, the one about pride and, uh, 166 00:06:50,187 --> 00:06:52,525 being a... a-a big girl? 167 00:06:52,625 --> 00:06:53,927 Correct. 168 00:07:14,603 --> 00:07:16,506 Perfect. Ancient Israel. 169 00:07:16,506 --> 00:07:18,511 ♪ And I know my worth... ♪ 170 00:07:18,611 --> 00:07:19,879 What the hell? 171 00:07:19,979 --> 00:07:21,149 Has anyone seen Brian? 172 00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:22,685 I want to shred it to Lizzo. 173 00:07:22,785 --> 00:07:24,388 Oh, yeah, I'm that bitch. 174 00:07:24,488 --> 00:07:26,994 - ♪ Am I ready? ♪ - ♪ Ready to go ♪ 175 00:07:26,994 --> 00:07:28,095 ♪ Am I ready? ♪ 176 00:07:35,978 --> 00:07:38,584 Uh, excuse me? I-I'm looking for a rail-thin guy 177 00:07:38,584 --> 00:07:40,420 with long hair and sandals. 178 00:07:40,420 --> 00:07:42,926 Buddy, you're gonna have to be more specific. 179 00:07:42,926 --> 00:07:45,363 Uh, his name is Jesus. Jesus Christ. 180 00:07:45,363 --> 00:07:48,504 You mean the guy who showed his wiener on a dare at camp? 181 00:07:48,504 --> 00:07:50,473 Tha-That's-that's what he's known for? 182 00:07:50,473 --> 00:07:53,379 Yeah, he lives about M-M-L-X-V-I paces that way. 183 00:07:53,379 --> 00:07:54,749 - What? - Don't listen to him. 184 00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:58,055 He's Roman. I'm Egyptian, and I can tell you, 185 00:07:58,055 --> 00:08:02,263 Jesus lives four cat heads and three squiggly lines that way. 186 00:08:02,263 --> 00:08:03,901 No, no, no, these guys are jokers. 187 00:08:04,001 --> 00:08:07,141 I'm Greek, and I can tell you he's 30 thetas that way. 188 00:08:07,141 --> 00:08:08,877 You go 31 thetas, you stop, 189 00:08:08,877 --> 00:08:11,115 because that's too many thetas. 190 00:08:12,685 --> 00:08:14,454 - Brian, there you are. - Stewie? 191 00:08:14,454 --> 00:08:16,626 - How the hell did you find me? - You're chipped. 192 00:08:18,129 --> 00:08:19,231 Wow, that's a good chip. 193 00:08:19,231 --> 00:08:21,736 Look, I'm sorry I used the time machine without asking, 194 00:08:21,837 --> 00:08:24,709 but I came here to stop Jesus from starting Christianity. 195 00:08:24,809 --> 00:08:26,445 What? Come on, you know the rules. 196 00:08:26,445 --> 00:08:27,716 You can't change the past. 197 00:08:27,816 --> 00:08:29,719 Even the smallest interaction with someone 198 00:08:29,719 --> 00:08:31,255 from another time period can alter-- 199 00:08:31,255 --> 00:08:34,227 Oh, my God, that's December 8th from the calendar! 200 00:08:34,327 --> 00:08:35,263 I have to interact with him. 201 00:08:35,363 --> 00:08:37,133 I thought you said we couldn't change the past. 202 00:08:37,133 --> 00:08:38,771 Uh, yeah, just try to keep it close, all right? 203 00:08:38,771 --> 00:08:40,741 Just keep it close, Bri. You got this. 204 00:08:40,741 --> 00:08:42,645 You got this. I trust you, bro. 205 00:08:46,719 --> 00:08:49,525 "Spicy meatball delights patron." 206 00:08:49,659 --> 00:08:52,565 Ugh, no one reports real news anymore. 207 00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:55,470 All right, found you. 208 00:08:55,470 --> 00:08:58,008 Now it's time to take you down. 209 00:09:00,648 --> 00:09:02,819 Behold. As my wedding gift, 210 00:09:02,819 --> 00:09:05,958 I turn this water into wine. 211 00:09:07,595 --> 00:09:09,197 - All right! - Amazing! 212 00:09:09,197 --> 00:09:11,837 And I brought hard seltzer and a photo booth. 213 00:09:11,937 --> 00:09:13,607 Yeah, that's even better! 214 00:09:13,607 --> 00:09:15,210 Hard seltzer has less calories. 215 00:09:15,210 --> 00:09:18,082 And now there's an activity for people who don't like to dance. 216 00:09:18,182 --> 00:09:21,923 Then, uh, I-I also brought a guest book, 217 00:09:21,923 --> 00:09:24,328 so everyone can leave a fun note 218 00:09:24,328 --> 00:09:26,064 for the bride and groom. 219 00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:30,139 Okay, fine, a photo booth is better. 220 00:09:36,251 --> 00:09:38,591 Blessed are the poor in spirit, 221 00:09:38,691 --> 00:09:40,528 for theirs is the kingdom of heaven-- 222 00:09:40,528 --> 00:09:41,530 Hey, Jesus. 223 00:09:41,530 --> 00:09:43,232 Nice mount. 224 00:09:43,232 --> 00:09:45,838 He's on a higher hill, which shows more confidence. 225 00:09:45,938 --> 00:09:48,544 You again? What the hell is your problem? 226 00:09:48,544 --> 00:09:49,979 Me? What the hell is your problem? 227 00:09:50,112 --> 00:09:52,483 You're always telling everyone what to do and think. 228 00:09:52,483 --> 00:09:54,021 You think I want to do this stuff? 229 00:09:54,121 --> 00:09:56,560 I only do it because my dad makes me. 230 00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:58,329 Wait, Joseph makes you do this? 231 00:09:58,429 --> 00:09:59,899 No, my real dad. 232 00:09:59,999 --> 00:10:02,705 When I was younger, Joseph took a paternity test. 233 00:10:02,839 --> 00:10:06,179 We have the results, and, Joseph, 234 00:10:06,179 --> 00:10:07,915 you are not the father. 235 00:10:07,915 --> 00:10:11,489 Yes! Yes! Yes! I knew it! I knew it! 236 00:10:11,489 --> 00:10:14,929 Maury! Maury! Maury! 237 00:10:18,904 --> 00:10:22,812 So, anyway, yeah, all this messiah stuff is my dad's thing. 238 00:10:22,812 --> 00:10:25,617 Hi, I have a hummus plate for Jesus? 239 00:10:25,617 --> 00:10:27,120 Oh, cool. 240 00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:29,859 Okay, I guess it's for both of us. 241 00:10:29,959 --> 00:10:32,598 Well, if you don't want to be a messiah, what do you want to do? 242 00:10:32,598 --> 00:10:35,036 Honestly, I want to be a stand-up comedian. 243 00:10:35,036 --> 00:10:38,143 - Really? - Yeah. Like my friend Jackie the Mason 244 00:10:38,143 --> 00:10:41,248 or Lewis the Blacksmith or Chris the Rock-Piler. 245 00:10:41,248 --> 00:10:44,187 You know, we can ask for another menu if-- 246 00:10:44,187 --> 00:10:45,691 Yeah, I'm not that hungry. 247 00:10:45,791 --> 00:10:47,862 So, why didn't you do comedy, then? 248 00:10:47,862 --> 00:10:49,465 I guess I never had the confidence. 249 00:10:49,465 --> 00:10:51,035 I couldn't even come up with jokes. 250 00:10:51,135 --> 00:10:54,976 Yikes. Check out Julius Sneezer over there. 251 00:10:55,076 --> 00:10:56,045 Ha! Totally. 252 00:10:56,145 --> 00:10:57,447 Hey, you know, that's pretty funny. 253 00:10:57,548 --> 00:10:59,217 What was? That comment? 254 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:02,157 Whoa. Who Sepharted? 255 00:11:02,257 --> 00:11:05,230 Ha! Hey, you know, I think you should give comedy another shot. 256 00:11:05,330 --> 00:11:07,868 Come on, does anyone really want to watch a Jewish guy 257 00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:09,873 make snarky observations? 258 00:11:09,973 --> 00:11:13,112 I-I think, uh, that a lot of people would enjoy that, yes. 259 00:11:13,112 --> 00:11:15,885 Huh. Then maybe I should try comedy again. 260 00:11:16,018 --> 00:11:18,723 Only thing is, I'd have to talk to my dad. 261 00:11:24,401 --> 00:11:27,241 Wow, I went to a party in this city called Sodom. 262 00:11:27,241 --> 00:11:29,579 Have you heard of this place? 263 00:11:29,579 --> 00:11:30,814 So, how's your plan going? 264 00:11:30,914 --> 00:11:32,518 Uh, not great so far. 265 00:11:32,518 --> 00:11:33,754 A comedian? 266 00:11:33,754 --> 00:11:35,256 How could you do this to your mother? 267 00:11:35,356 --> 00:11:36,325 What's next? 268 00:11:36,458 --> 00:11:38,697 You don't want to marry your very close cousin? 269 00:11:38,797 --> 00:11:40,499 Of course not. In fact, right now 270 00:11:40,499 --> 00:11:43,674 I'm weirdly seeing a prostitute with the same name as Mom. 271 00:11:45,276 --> 00:11:47,749 Come on, Dad, comedy is my dream. 272 00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:49,753 Well, why couldn't you have told me about your dream 273 00:11:49,753 --> 00:11:51,656 before I paid for ancient Brandeis? 274 00:11:51,656 --> 00:11:52,725 You made me go there. 275 00:11:52,725 --> 00:11:55,230 You know, nothing I do is ever good enough for you. 276 00:11:55,330 --> 00:11:57,201 Why don't you just say it? You hate me. 277 00:11:57,201 --> 00:11:59,437 And you wish I had died in the Punic Wars 278 00:11:59,538 --> 00:12:01,241 instead of my brother Greg. 279 00:12:02,143 --> 00:12:04,515 That's not true! I love you both equally! 280 00:12:04,515 --> 00:12:05,851 Then why won't you touch his room? 281 00:12:05,951 --> 00:12:07,387 You stay out of Greg's room! 282 00:12:07,387 --> 00:12:08,824 I have to do something. 283 00:12:08,824 --> 00:12:11,295 It's God. How could you possibly change his mind? 284 00:12:11,295 --> 00:12:13,867 You will never do stand-up comedy. I forbid it. 285 00:12:15,270 --> 00:12:17,174 Wait. What's that sound? 286 00:12:17,174 --> 00:12:21,950 ♪ People smile and tell me I'm the lucky one ♪ 287 00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:25,925 ♪ And we've just begun ♪ 288 00:12:25,925 --> 00:12:28,095 ♪ Think I'm gonna have a son... ♪ 289 00:12:28,229 --> 00:12:29,933 That's really good sound quality. 290 00:12:29,933 --> 00:12:32,203 - Yeah, it's the new iPhone. - You got a new one? 291 00:12:32,203 --> 00:12:35,243 We agreed to update at the end of the year, as Christmas gifts. 292 00:12:35,243 --> 00:12:37,280 Well, I was in the mall and I saw a promotion. 293 00:12:37,380 --> 00:12:39,018 You didn't tell me about this promotion. 294 00:12:39,018 --> 00:12:40,787 Oh, I-I'm sorry, I didn't realize I had to tell you 295 00:12:40,787 --> 00:12:42,692 every [bleep] thought that comes into my head. 296 00:12:42,692 --> 00:12:44,863 Okay, there we go, Brian makes a mistake, 297 00:12:44,996 --> 00:12:47,735 so instead of apologizing, he lashes out with hostility. 298 00:12:47,735 --> 00:12:50,006 And Stewie's a victim. There's a big surprise. 299 00:12:50,106 --> 00:12:52,411 I'm a victim because you constantly screw me over. 300 00:12:52,545 --> 00:12:54,883 You know what? Now I wish I hadn't even played this song. 301 00:12:54,883 --> 00:12:56,586 I wish I hadn't even come back in time. 302 00:12:56,719 --> 00:12:57,755 Because I can't do anything 303 00:12:57,755 --> 00:12:59,491 without you making it about yourself. 304 00:12:59,626 --> 00:13:00,861 God, I regret our friendship. 305 00:13:00,861 --> 00:13:02,330 You are a catastrophe of a human. 306 00:13:02,430 --> 00:13:03,867 Oh, hey, they made up. 307 00:13:03,867 --> 00:13:10,346 ♪ Tell me everything's gonna be all right. ♪ 308 00:13:22,370 --> 00:13:24,341 Well, it's great to be here in Rome, folks. 309 00:13:24,341 --> 00:13:27,047 Uh, you know, I heard that the, uh, Roman Senate 310 00:13:27,047 --> 00:13:29,852 just voted to build more cobblestone streets. 311 00:13:29,852 --> 00:13:32,490 Great. Do my balls get a vote? 312 00:13:34,127 --> 00:13:37,568 And how about that Caesar, huh? Gotta love Caesar. 313 00:13:37,568 --> 00:13:39,171 Great salad, great haircut, 314 00:13:39,271 --> 00:13:41,776 and loves cutting women's bellies open. 315 00:13:42,778 --> 00:13:44,849 Look at him there, in the Caesarian section. 316 00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:46,385 They're laughing their ass off. 317 00:13:46,385 --> 00:13:48,222 I do. I do love that. 318 00:13:48,356 --> 00:13:50,360 And you know what they say, "When in Rome." 319 00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:53,232 Well, based on my one day here so far, 320 00:13:53,232 --> 00:13:56,773 I guess that means I should be pooping in the street. 321 00:13:56,773 --> 00:13:59,445 He's right. That is a problem here. 322 00:13:59,445 --> 00:14:02,785 But seriously, folks, Rome sure beats anywhere else. 323 00:14:02,885 --> 00:14:04,221 You guys follow politics? 324 00:14:04,321 --> 00:14:07,193 'Cause it seems like they've made a real mess of Potamia. 325 00:14:09,965 --> 00:14:13,072 But don't fret, folks, it's not all bad news out there. 326 00:14:13,072 --> 00:14:15,410 You know how there are seven wonders of the world? 327 00:14:15,410 --> 00:14:17,147 Well, turns out they just found an eighth. 328 00:14:17,147 --> 00:14:20,086 A Galatian who paid his bar tab. 329 00:14:20,086 --> 00:14:21,956 Galatia is our rival. 330 00:14:21,956 --> 00:14:23,727 But enough about politics. 331 00:14:23,827 --> 00:14:25,864 Let me tell you a little bit about me. 332 00:14:25,965 --> 00:14:28,269 So, my dad's God. 333 00:14:29,170 --> 00:14:30,574 Thank you, thank you. 334 00:14:30,574 --> 00:14:33,813 And growing up, he taught me all about carpentry. Yeah. 335 00:14:33,813 --> 00:14:35,784 Uh, I guess he thought teenage boys 336 00:14:35,784 --> 00:14:38,657 should spend more time rubbing wood. 337 00:14:39,893 --> 00:14:42,030 And my mom's a virgin. 338 00:14:42,130 --> 00:14:43,398 That's fun. Uh, yeah, 339 00:14:43,398 --> 00:14:46,338 when I was a teenager, I had to give her the talk. 340 00:14:52,150 --> 00:14:53,385 Wow, he's killing it. 341 00:14:53,385 --> 00:14:55,356 Yeah, I bet he plays everywhere now. 342 00:14:55,356 --> 00:14:56,559 He's gonna be huge. 343 00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:01,936 - What happened? - He told a joke 344 00:15:02,037 --> 00:15:04,007 about Assyrians on a college campus. 345 00:15:04,007 --> 00:15:05,342 Oh, yeah, you can't do that anymore. 346 00:15:05,442 --> 00:15:08,015 This first millennial generation is very sensitive. 347 00:15:08,115 --> 00:15:09,919 - Clearly. - All right, don't make it obvious, 348 00:15:09,919 --> 00:15:12,123 but get a picture of me with him. 349 00:15:12,925 --> 00:15:14,595 - Do one more. - Stewie, we're done. 350 00:15:14,595 --> 00:15:16,633 Mission accomplished and Christianity never happened, 351 00:15:16,633 --> 00:15:19,739 so I'm pretty sure the present will be just how I want it. 352 00:15:19,739 --> 00:15:21,074 Hi, Peter here. 353 00:15:21,174 --> 00:15:23,245 If you've seen our time travel episodes before, 354 00:15:23,245 --> 00:15:24,982 you know that can't possibly be the case. 355 00:15:25,082 --> 00:15:27,320 I can't tell you what's going to happen, though, 356 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:29,024 because the network needs you to stick around 357 00:15:29,024 --> 00:15:30,092 through the Del Taco ads. 358 00:15:30,092 --> 00:15:31,696 You know, if you bought all the ingredients 359 00:15:31,829 --> 00:15:34,201 for tacos yourself, it would cost like 40 bucks, 360 00:15:34,201 --> 00:15:37,273 but somehow, at Del Taco, you can buy one for 80 cents. 361 00:15:54,809 --> 00:15:56,178 - Damn it. - What? What's wrong? 362 00:15:56,278 --> 00:15:58,182 Every time I enter into a new reality, 363 00:15:58,316 --> 00:16:00,086 I'm hoping my room has wainscoting. 364 00:16:00,220 --> 00:16:02,056 But I guess it's more boring, 365 00:16:02,056 --> 00:16:04,427 single-textured walls for Stewie. 366 00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:08,937 Wow, so far, without Christianity, 367 00:16:09,070 --> 00:16:10,541 everything looks the same. 368 00:16:11,342 --> 00:16:13,547 Morning, Brian. Hey, where's your yarmulke? 369 00:16:13,647 --> 00:16:14,782 Uh, what? 370 00:16:14,782 --> 00:16:16,051 Morning, Doctor Son. 371 00:16:16,051 --> 00:16:17,688 Morning, Doctor Dad. 372 00:16:17,788 --> 00:16:18,957 Morning, Doctor Wife. 373 00:16:18,957 --> 00:16:20,594 Morning, Doctor Husband. 374 00:16:20,594 --> 00:16:22,296 Oh, my God. They're all Jewish. 375 00:16:22,296 --> 00:16:24,969 Whoa. Listen to your tone. 376 00:16:25,069 --> 00:16:26,404 No, no, no. No tone at all. 377 00:16:26,506 --> 00:16:28,308 Because Christianity never happened, 378 00:16:28,308 --> 00:16:29,979 Judaism became the dominant faith, 379 00:16:29,979 --> 00:16:31,817 and I have zero problem with that. 380 00:16:31,817 --> 00:16:33,052 Why, do you have a problem? 381 00:16:33,052 --> 00:16:34,956 No, I don't have a problem. Far from it. 382 00:16:34,956 --> 00:16:37,595 What the yidle-diddle-diddle- didle-deuce? 383 00:16:37,595 --> 00:16:41,435 Well, I'm off to school in my regular-star necklace. 384 00:16:41,435 --> 00:16:42,404 I'm leaving, too. 385 00:16:42,404 --> 00:16:44,642 Mom, Dad, I need some new clothes. 386 00:16:44,642 --> 00:16:45,577 Is it okay if I stop at 387 00:16:45,710 --> 00:16:47,948 Ross Dress for the Same Price as Everywhere Else? 388 00:16:47,948 --> 00:16:49,952 Of course, honey. Ooh, and maybe tonight 389 00:16:50,085 --> 00:16:52,123 we can all go see that new movie starring 390 00:16:52,223 --> 00:16:55,330 Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller and half of Scarlett Johansson. 391 00:16:55,330 --> 00:16:57,835 Huh. So, you think everyone is Jewish now? 392 00:16:57,968 --> 00:17:00,173 Morning, Griffins. It's me, your neighbor, 393 00:17:00,173 --> 00:17:02,444 Sammy Davis Brown Jr. 394 00:17:02,545 --> 00:17:03,513 I suppose so. 395 00:17:03,613 --> 00:17:06,051 Wow, I guess a lot of history has changed now. 396 00:17:06,051 --> 00:17:08,389 No World War II, no conflict in the Middle East. 397 00:17:08,389 --> 00:17:10,259 Hell, there was even a Jewish Columbus. 398 00:17:10,359 --> 00:17:13,566 We did it. We discovered New York, Miami, 399 00:17:13,666 --> 00:17:14,936 and Filene's Basement. 400 00:17:14,936 --> 00:17:16,105 Yay! 401 00:17:16,105 --> 00:17:18,543 Slacks, slacks, slacks, slacks! 402 00:17:22,584 --> 00:17:24,655 Lot more sweater shops in this reality. 403 00:17:24,755 --> 00:17:27,728 Yeah, and there's a billboard for The Normal Mrs. Maisel. 404 00:17:27,728 --> 00:17:29,330 Ah, here we are. 405 00:17:33,539 --> 00:17:35,376 Shalom, Brian. 406 00:17:35,376 --> 00:17:38,182 Boy, this town has good medical care. 407 00:17:38,182 --> 00:17:39,919 Are you sure I'm allowed to be in here? 408 00:17:39,919 --> 00:17:41,288 Yeah, without Christianity, 409 00:17:41,288 --> 00:17:43,425 there are no arbitrary rules about age limits. 410 00:17:43,425 --> 00:17:45,196 Hey, you guys hear the new joke? 411 00:17:45,196 --> 00:17:47,935 A rabbi, a rabbi, and a rabbi walk into a bar 412 00:17:47,935 --> 00:17:49,605 and split a seltzer. 413 00:17:49,706 --> 00:17:51,474 It's free refills. 414 00:17:51,576 --> 00:17:53,980 Why pay for three? 415 00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:57,020 All right, what does everyone want to hear on the jukebox? 416 00:17:57,020 --> 00:17:58,656 They've got "Sweet Caroline," 417 00:17:58,756 --> 00:17:59,926 "Sweet Caroline Remix," 418 00:18:00,026 --> 00:18:01,829 and "Sweet Caroline A Cappella." 419 00:18:01,829 --> 00:18:03,634 Shalom, boys. 420 00:18:03,634 --> 00:18:05,570 Uh, shalom. How are you? 421 00:18:05,570 --> 00:18:08,009 Not good. I'm allergic to my horse. 422 00:18:08,009 --> 00:18:09,344 Hey, Bri, I got the remote. 423 00:18:09,444 --> 00:18:11,014 Let's see what television is like. 424 00:18:11,114 --> 00:18:13,118 And now, the Channel Five News, 425 00:18:13,218 --> 00:18:15,691 brought to you by Kentucky Boiled Chicken. 426 00:18:15,791 --> 00:18:17,359 Kentucky Boiled Chicken: 427 00:18:17,359 --> 00:18:20,433 all herbs, no spices 'cause you already burp enough. 428 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,003 Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker 429 00:18:22,103 --> 00:18:23,439 and welcome to Channel Five, 430 00:18:23,540 --> 00:18:26,679 where, as always, 80% of our news is the weather. 431 00:18:26,679 --> 00:18:29,184 But first, with sports, here's my brother Lenny, 432 00:18:29,184 --> 00:18:30,954 who my mom forced me to hire. 433 00:18:30,954 --> 00:18:32,190 I-I'm sorry, Tom, 434 00:18:32,190 --> 00:18:33,593 I didn't have time to check the scores. 435 00:18:33,593 --> 00:18:36,431 Well, there's a friggin' shocker, folks. 436 00:18:40,305 --> 00:18:41,709 Afternoon, Brian. 437 00:18:41,709 --> 00:18:44,314 Hey, Mort. Uh, why is your voice so deep? 438 00:18:44,314 --> 00:18:45,583 Why shouldn't it be? 439 00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:47,253 Millennia of not running from people 440 00:18:47,353 --> 00:18:50,026 has made me remarkably confident and relaxed. 441 00:18:50,026 --> 00:18:52,063 You know, I like Jewish Quahog. 442 00:18:52,163 --> 00:18:53,498 Yeah, we did a good thing, Stewie. 443 00:18:53,599 --> 00:18:55,938 A Jewish world is much better than a Christian one. 444 00:18:56,038 --> 00:18:59,545 There are no absurd, stifling rules driving everyone crazy. 445 00:19:00,614 --> 00:19:01,616 There you guys are. 446 00:19:01,749 --> 00:19:04,454 It's almost sundown, so let's turn off our devices 447 00:19:04,454 --> 00:19:06,859 - and walk three miles to temple. - What? 448 00:19:06,959 --> 00:19:09,330 Ha! You were saying, Brian? 449 00:19:09,999 --> 00:19:11,034 We have to go back in time 450 00:19:11,134 --> 00:19:13,773 and stop Moses from receiving the Ten Commandments. 451 00:19:13,773 --> 00:19:17,446 That way, neither Judaism nor Christianity will ever exist. 452 00:19:17,547 --> 00:19:18,683 On it. 453 00:19:20,185 --> 00:19:22,123 - Done. - How'd you do that so fast? 454 00:19:22,224 --> 00:19:24,261 I gave Moses 20 bucks to walk away. 455 00:19:24,394 --> 00:19:25,530 And before you say anything, 456 00:19:25,530 --> 00:19:26,999 that was a lot of money back then. 457 00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:28,569 Anyone would have done it. 458 00:19:32,377 --> 00:19:34,280 Happy November 25th. 459 00:19:34,381 --> 00:19:36,953 Only 30 shopping days till nothing. 460 00:19:36,953 --> 00:19:38,221 Brian, it worked. 461 00:19:38,221 --> 00:19:39,592 That's only half the story, Stewie. 462 00:19:39,592 --> 00:19:40,827 Let's make sure. 463 00:19:41,529 --> 00:19:43,766 Hey, guys? Who does Mel Gibson hate? 464 00:19:43,766 --> 00:19:46,639 Uh, all of his ex-wives, but no generalized group. 465 00:19:46,739 --> 00:19:48,710 It did work. Finally, a world with 466 00:19:48,810 --> 00:19:52,283 no religion, no prejudices, no irrationalities. 467 00:19:52,383 --> 00:19:54,788 Just science-based reason. 468 00:19:55,890 --> 00:19:57,160 Package for Brian and Stewie? 469 00:19:57,260 --> 00:19:58,630 Yeah, that's us. 470 00:19:58,730 --> 00:20:00,701 What did you do, you little twerps? 471 00:20:00,801 --> 00:20:01,936 Oh, my God. God! 472 00:20:01,936 --> 00:20:02,838 Fix it. Fix it. 473 00:20:03,005 --> 00:20:04,441 - Fix it. Fix it. Fix it. Fix it. - Ow, ow, ow, ow! 474 00:20:04,441 --> 00:20:05,844 It was his idea! It's not even my machine! 475 00:20:05,944 --> 00:20:08,683 You don't think Einstein and Carl Sagan tried this crap? 476 00:20:08,683 --> 00:20:10,453 I had to send them to Noogie City. 477 00:20:10,453 --> 00:20:11,388 Is that where you want to live? 478 00:20:11,523 --> 00:20:13,694 Noogie City? Huh? 'Cause I can take you there. 479 00:20:13,694 --> 00:20:14,895 I got the keys, hoss. 480 00:20:16,431 --> 00:20:17,901 Is this all religion is? 481 00:20:18,001 --> 00:20:19,337 Threatening to noogie people 482 00:20:19,337 --> 00:20:20,707 if they dare to think for themselves? 483 00:20:20,707 --> 00:20:23,211 Yes. I'm basically Biff from Back to the Future, 484 00:20:23,311 --> 00:20:24,581 and you're all George McFly. 485 00:20:24,581 --> 00:20:26,351 All right, I got to take a picture of the package 486 00:20:26,451 --> 00:20:28,188 on your doorstep, or they don't believe me. 487 00:20:28,188 --> 00:20:29,525 You're really a delivery man? 488 00:20:29,525 --> 00:20:31,227 Yeah. No collection plate. 489 00:20:31,227 --> 00:20:33,098 I got to pay for Dish Network somehow. 490 00:20:33,198 --> 00:20:35,202 Oh, boy, we really messed with this guy. 491 00:20:35,303 --> 00:20:36,939 I guess we should go fix it, Brian. 492 00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:38,175 You know what? No. 493 00:20:38,275 --> 00:20:40,680 A world without religion is a world that values 494 00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:43,251 reason and logic to better the world for everyone. 495 00:20:43,251 --> 00:20:45,189 And I'm not gonna let some two-bit boomer-- 496 00:20:45,289 --> 00:20:47,126 yeah, you heard me-- tell us otherwise. 497 00:20:49,063 --> 00:20:53,940 ♪ Christ the royal master ♪ 498 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:58,281 ♪ Leads against the foe. ♪