1 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:16,482 Her favorite cd in the otis redding box set? 2 00:00:16,484 --> 00:00:17,249 Disc three. 3 00:00:17,251 --> 00:00:19,485 My favorite? Any guesses? 4 00:00:19,487 --> 00:00:20,753 Anyone? Come on. 5 00:00:20,755 --> 00:00:22,688 Disc three! 6 00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:24,289 God, victoria's so amazing! 7 00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:25,858 I could talk about her for hours. 8 00:00:25,860 --> 00:00:27,860 What do you mean "could"? 9 00:00:27,862 --> 00:00:30,195 I'm sorry, it's just... God, I... 10 00:00:30,197 --> 00:00:31,997 I'm crazy about this girl. 11 00:00:31,999 --> 00:00:33,298 It feels like maybe... 12 00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:35,034 I don't want to say it. 13 00:00:35,036 --> 00:00:37,036 Trust that impulse, ted. 14 00:00:37,038 --> 00:00:38,504 Robin: Hey. 15 00:00:38,506 --> 00:00:40,973 Something kind of cool just happened. 16 00:00:40,975 --> 00:00:43,208 My story on pickles, the singing dog, 17 00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:46,045 Just got nominated for a local area media award. 18 00:00:46,047 --> 00:00:48,547 A... Lame-a? 19 00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:50,983 We prefer local area media award. 20 00:00:50,985 --> 00:00:52,551 Um... 21 00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:54,019 There's going to be this big banquet. 22 00:00:54,021 --> 00:00:55,387 I know these things aren't much fun, 23 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:57,823 But it would really mean a lot to me if you guys came. 24 00:00:59,692 --> 00:01:00,759 And there's an open bar. 25 00:01:00,761 --> 00:01:02,728 Oh! Yes! Word up! 26 00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:04,029 Yeah, put me down for two. 27 00:01:04,031 --> 00:01:05,731 Really? It's three months away. 28 00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:06,899 I know, but... 29 00:01:06,901 --> 00:01:09,401 Guys, I'm sorry, I'm going to say it. 30 00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:11,837 I have a feeling victoria's going to be around 31 00:01:11,839 --> 00:01:13,305 For a long time. 32 00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:16,041 I'm going to miss victoria. 33 00:01:16,043 --> 00:01:18,243 I should just skip this thing entirely. 34 00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:21,447 Robin's still pissed at me after... You know. 35 00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:23,549 You lied and said you were broken up with victoria 36 00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:25,584 Before you actually were so you could try to nail robin 37 00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:28,554 And you wound up losing both girls in one night? 38 00:01:28,556 --> 00:01:31,390 Yes, that's what I meant by "you know." 39 00:01:32,292 --> 00:01:34,059 I haven't seen her in three weeks. 40 00:01:34,061 --> 00:01:35,627 She won't return my calls. 41 00:01:35,629 --> 00:01:36,762 Look, I shouldn't go. 42 00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:38,230 You should definitely go. 43 00:01:38,232 --> 00:01:40,299 Look, it's a chance to show her you're still friends 44 00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:41,433 And that you support her. 45 00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:43,435 Or it's a chance to mess with her head 46 00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:44,636 By showing up with someone hotter. 47 00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:48,107 Even better, triple threat... hotter and bigger boobs. 48 00:01:48,109 --> 00:01:50,809 That's only two. Count again. 49 00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:52,578 Barney, I'm not bringing a date. 50 00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:54,947 Even if I wanted to, the thing's in two hours. 51 00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:55,949 So get an escort. 52 00:01:55,950 --> 00:01:57,950 By "escort," you mean prostitute? 53 00:01:57,952 --> 00:01:59,251 Why not? 54 00:01:59,253 --> 00:02:01,687 Because... Gross? 55 00:02:01,689 --> 00:02:02,621 Oh, gross. 56 00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:04,790 What, you have some puritanical hang-up 57 00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:09,061 Dude, it's the world's oldest profession. 58 00:02:09,063 --> 00:02:10,762 You really think that's true? 59 00:02:10,764 --> 00:02:14,199 I bet even cro-magnons used to give cave hookers, 60 00:02:14,201 --> 00:02:16,568 Like, an extra fish for putting out. 61 00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:19,071 Aha, so then the oldest profession would be fishermen. 62 00:02:19,073 --> 00:02:22,207 Kaboom! You've been lawyered. 63 00:02:23,476 --> 00:02:25,844 Come on, ted, let's get you a hooker. It'll be fun. 64 00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:29,281 Okay, to bring to the banquet and hang out with ironically 65 00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:30,883 Or to actually have sex with? 66 00:02:30,885 --> 00:02:32,918 Yes. 67 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,721 No! It's illegal. 68 00:02:35,723 --> 00:02:37,289 And did I mention gross? 69 00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:40,259 That's adorable. Ted, you're such a hayseed. 70 00:02:40,895 --> 00:02:44,696 Is the growth industry of the 21st century. 71 00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:47,032 You do realize that one out of every eight 72 00:02:47,034 --> 00:02:49,434 Adult women in america is a prostitute. 73 00:02:49,436 --> 00:02:50,936 You just made that up. Withdrawn. 74 00:02:50,938 --> 00:02:53,372 Lawyered. 75 00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:56,408 The point is, how long has it been? 76 00:02:58,811 --> 00:03:00,212 57 days. 77 00:03:00,214 --> 00:03:02,147 Is that your water? May I? 78 00:03:02,149 --> 00:03:03,916 Yeah, go ahead. Much obliged. 79 00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:06,952 57 days?! 80 00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:09,454 Ted, you are in a slump. 81 00:03:09,456 --> 00:03:11,056 No, it's not a slump. 82 00:03:11,058 --> 00:03:13,225 It's an intentional hiatus from girls. 83 00:03:13,227 --> 00:03:14,726 A slump is when you strike out 84 00:03:14,728 --> 00:03:16,395 Every time you step up to the plate. 85 00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:18,263 But I'm off the roster, baby. 86 00:03:18,265 --> 00:03:20,699 I'm in the locker room sitting in the whirlpool. 87 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,834 And I'll tell you something, it feels pretty good. 88 00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:25,537 Yeah, you know what else is in that locker room? 89 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:28,874 A bunch of naked dudes hanging brain. 90 00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:29,876 Ted, you need 91 00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:33,412 And I've got the next best thing... mary. 92 00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:34,880 She lives in my building. 93 00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:37,416 She's smart, she's hot, she's totally cool. 94 00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:38,750 Oh, she sounds great. 95 00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:39,752 And who knows? 96 00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:41,386 Maybe we'll wind up getting married someday. 97 00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:44,189 You know, if we can get a blessing from her pimp. 98 00:03:44,191 --> 00:03:46,658 You want to judge a fellow human being 99 00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:49,661 Based solely on one external characteristic? 100 00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:50,996 That's racism. 101 00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:53,966 And I do not drink with racists. 102 00:03:53,968 --> 00:03:55,500 Good day. 103 00:03:59,005 --> 00:04:01,273 You're just waiting for me to speak, so you can... 104 00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:03,308 I said good day! 105 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:07,446 So should I wear my hair up or down? 106 00:04:09,215 --> 00:04:11,216 Lily. 107 00:04:11,218 --> 00:04:12,317 What? 108 00:04:12,319 --> 00:04:13,085 You okay? 109 00:04:13,087 --> 00:04:15,587 Oh, yeah, sorry. 110 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,723 I'm just exhausted from work. 111 00:04:17,725 --> 00:04:20,025 The stupid school board took away nap time 112 00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:24,763 And now the kids are just going crazy by the end of the day. 113 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:27,532 It's much harder to deal with because, 114 00:04:27,534 --> 00:04:29,601 Well, I don't get my nap. 115 00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:31,970 Wait, you were taking naps when the kids were? 116 00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:33,505 Is that safe? 117 00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:36,074 Well, they're only five. What are they gonna do to me? 118 00:04:38,745 --> 00:04:40,812 Ted's still coming to this thing, right? 119 00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:41,913 Yep. 120 00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:43,448 Do you think, um... 121 00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:44,483 Hypothetically... 122 00:04:44,485 --> 00:04:46,451 It would be weird if I bring a date? 123 00:04:46,453 --> 00:04:49,621 Look at you, scherbatsky, 124 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:51,790 Blatantly trying to make ted jealous. 125 00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:54,459 No, it's just this guy at the station. 126 00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:55,961 I never get involved with co-workers, 127 00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,562 But he asked me and I said yes. 128 00:04:57,564 --> 00:04:59,231 Is it going to be weird? 129 00:04:59,233 --> 00:05:01,933 No, it's not going to be weird at all. 130 00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:03,769 Robin's bringing a date. 131 00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:05,837 Oy. That's going to be really weird. 132 00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:07,372 I know. 133 00:05:09,509 --> 00:05:10,976 Robin's bringing a date. 134 00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:11,978 Oh. 135 00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:13,645 Okay. That's not weird. 136 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:16,081 She's bringing a date. I'm glad she's moving on. 137 00:05:16,083 --> 00:05:17,983 Dude, it's going to be weird. 138 00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:21,153 Look, in spite of whatever happened between us, 139 00:05:21,155 --> 00:05:22,587 Robin and I are still friends. 140 00:05:22,589 --> 00:05:23,789 I don't think it'll be weird. 141 00:05:23,791 --> 00:05:25,824 Yeah, it won't be weird. Thank you. 142 00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:27,693 Because you're going to bring your own date. 143 00:05:27,695 --> 00:05:29,594 Hello, barney. 144 00:05:29,596 --> 00:05:30,796 Hi, mary. 145 00:05:30,798 --> 00:05:33,732 Have you met ted? 146 00:05:40,506 --> 00:05:42,040 Nice to meet you, ted. 147 00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:43,342 Hi, mary. 148 00:05:43,344 --> 00:05:44,476 Wow. 149 00:05:44,478 --> 00:05:46,178 It's, uh, nice to meet you, too. 150 00:05:46,180 --> 00:05:47,512 So we're going to an award show? 151 00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:49,715 Uh, yeah, will you just excuse us for one minute? 152 00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:50,515 Barney. 153 00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:51,416 See you in two shakes, mare. 154 00:05:51,418 --> 00:05:52,951 You two make yourselves comfortable. 155 00:05:55,055 --> 00:05:59,391 Dude, your narrow-minded views on professional fornicators 156 00:05:59,393 --> 00:06:00,726 Were harshing my mellow. 157 00:06:00,728 --> 00:06:02,861 So I got you a date for the evening. 158 00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:04,529 You got me a hooker. 159 00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:06,865 A really hot hook... 160 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:07,833 A hooker! 161 00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:10,202 Think about it, this is perfect. 162 00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:12,804 A... it will make robin insanely jealous... 163 00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:16,208 B... you get to have sex with her... 164 00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:18,009 And c... maybe by getting to know mary, 165 00:06:18,011 --> 00:06:20,312 You'll come to see that courtesans are people, too. 166 00:06:20,314 --> 00:06:24,549 And d... "b" all night long. 167 00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:27,219 I'm not taking a prostitute to robin's banquet. 168 00:06:27,221 --> 00:06:29,654 The only people who will know are you, me and marshall. 169 00:06:29,656 --> 00:06:31,957 No one will suspect a thing. They'll just see you 170 00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:34,593 With this unbelievably smoking hot girl and... 171 00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:37,629 Okay, that's a little bit suspicious. 172 00:06:38,431 --> 00:06:39,631 Look, I'm just trying 173 00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:41,566 To expand your horizons a little bit tonight. 174 00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:44,403 But if you're not interested, fine, I'm out 500 bucks. 175 00:06:44,405 --> 00:06:46,538 Whatever. 500 bucks? 176 00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:48,573 Ted, you're my cabron. 177 00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:52,277 With some toothless tranny from the port authority? 178 00:06:52,279 --> 00:06:55,280 Look at how hot she is. 179 00:06:55,282 --> 00:06:56,782 Robin would be so jealous. 180 00:06:56,784 --> 00:06:59,651 I'm not trying to make robin jealous, barney. 181 00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:02,354 Look, I... Tell mary, thanks, but no thanks. 182 00:07:02,356 --> 00:07:04,489 I have a soul. 183 00:07:04,491 --> 00:07:07,692 Ted: And then your uncle marhsall and I had one of our famous 184 00:07:07,694 --> 00:07:09,594 Telepathic conversations. 185 00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:11,430 Marshall: Check out robin's date. 186 00:07:11,432 --> 00:07:12,464 Ted: I know. 187 00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:13,932 Is that who I think it is? 188 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,000 Yep. 189 00:07:15,002 --> 00:07:17,269 It's sandy rivers. 190 00:07:17,271 --> 00:07:19,938 Ted: Sandy rivers was the face of metro news one, 191 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:23,108 The most low-budget cable news channel ever. 192 00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:25,177 Sandy time. Sandy time! 193 00:07:25,179 --> 00:07:27,479 He was best known for his morning segment 194 00:07:27,481 --> 00:07:28,947 "in today's paper," 195 00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:31,917 During which he literally flipped through today's paper, 196 00:07:31,919 --> 00:07:33,618 Reading them aloud to viewers. 197 00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:37,656 Here we have, on the front page, a story about a... 198 00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:39,658 I guess, a guy in a superhero costume 199 00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:42,461 Climbing the empire state building. 200 00:07:42,463 --> 00:07:44,029 Looks interesting. 201 00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:47,899 These idiotic filler pieces were a guilty pleasure of ours. 202 00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:50,702 Which sandy do we want today? 203 00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:53,238 French sandy, porn star sandy...? 204 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:54,940 Yosemite sandy, definitely. 205 00:07:54,942 --> 00:07:56,541 Excellent choice. 206 00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:05,951 ( Iaughing ) 207 00:08:05,953 --> 00:08:08,653 I love this guy. 208 00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:12,057 I hate this guy. 209 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:15,327 Hey. 210 00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:16,828 Hi. I'm lily. Hi. 211 00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,630 Hi. Mary. It's nice to meet you. 212 00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:20,165 Mary is a friend of barney's. 213 00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:22,434 Barney invited her. Just met mary ourselves. 214 00:08:22,436 --> 00:08:23,935 Don't know too much about mary. 215 00:08:23,937 --> 00:08:25,070 Look, a beer. 216 00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:28,340 Hey. 217 00:08:28,342 --> 00:08:29,541 Hi. 218 00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:32,010 You look nice. Oh, um, ted, this is sandy. 219 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,345 Hi. Sandy rivers. 220 00:08:33,347 --> 00:08:34,646 Use my full name. 221 00:08:34,648 --> 00:08:36,181 People get a kick out of it. 222 00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:37,949 Hi, sandy. 223 00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:39,518 Rivers. 224 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:41,286 So are you two, uh... 225 00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:42,754 Starting a bunch of office rumors? 226 00:08:42,756 --> 00:08:46,191 Looks that way. Looks that way. 227 00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:48,660 Oh, how rude of me. 228 00:08:48,662 --> 00:08:52,597 Uh, robin, sandy... Rivers... 229 00:08:52,599 --> 00:08:55,734 This is mary, my date. 230 00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:56,968 Hi. 231 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:07,579 Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 45th annual 232 00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:08,780 Local area media awards. 233 00:09:08,782 --> 00:09:10,715 Please say hello to our host for the evening, 234 00:09:10,717 --> 00:09:13,318 King of the Saturday afternoon kung fu movie, 235 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,487 Vampire lou! 236 00:09:15,489 --> 00:09:17,889 ( Applause ) 237 00:09:19,191 --> 00:09:23,028 Tonight we celebrate the very best in broadcasting 238 00:09:23,030 --> 00:09:26,898 And the triumph of the human spirit. 239 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:27,799 Man, 240 00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:30,902 Vampire lou just looks great. 241 00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:33,538 I can't believe I'm on a date with a hooker. 242 00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:35,607 Yeah, I can't believe you let her and lily 243 00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:37,576 Go to the ladies' room together, man. 244 00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:39,511 Secrets come out in there. 245 00:09:39,513 --> 00:09:40,812 Oh, please. How's it's going to come out? 246 00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:43,415 "Uh, pass me a towel. P.S., I have sex for money." 247 00:09:43,417 --> 00:09:44,816 Who has sex for money? 248 00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:45,917 Nobody. 249 00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:47,218 What did you guys talk about in there? 250 00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:48,320 Anything interesting? 251 00:09:48,322 --> 00:09:50,021 No, not really. 252 00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:53,391 We just chitchatted and I borrowed her lipstick. 253 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,596 Why is vampire lou the host 254 00:09:57,598 --> 00:10:00,532 Of a Saturday afternoon kung fu movie? 255 00:10:00,534 --> 00:10:02,567 You know, it just makes no sense. 256 00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:04,369 God, that pisses me off. 257 00:10:04,371 --> 00:10:05,804 Lily, you okay? 258 00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:07,739 Oh, yeah, I'm just tired. 259 00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:09,608 And when I get tired, I get cranky. 260 00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:11,643 Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky. 261 00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:15,046 "Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky." 262 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,349 Mary: Wow. 263 00:10:17,351 --> 00:10:18,650 Why are you so tired? 264 00:10:18,652 --> 00:10:20,619 Well, I teach kindergarten 265 00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:22,687 And the school board took away my nap time, 266 00:10:22,689 --> 00:10:24,623 The kids' nap time. 267 00:10:24,625 --> 00:10:26,358 Lily, quit your job. Work at a private school. 268 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:28,593 You won't have to deal with the school board, 269 00:10:28,595 --> 00:10:29,894 And you'll make a ton more money. 270 00:10:29,896 --> 00:10:31,129 Well, guess what, barney? 271 00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:32,864 I don't base all my life decisions 272 00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:34,799 On how much money I'm going to make, 273 00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:36,868 Unlike you and, sadly, my fiancé. 274 00:10:36,870 --> 00:10:38,837 Well, it's just an internship, for the record. 275 00:10:38,839 --> 00:10:41,139 Yeah, because if I did sacrifice all my values 276 00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:44,576 Just for an easy buck, what would that make me? 277 00:10:44,578 --> 00:10:46,177 A prostitute. 278 00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:49,014 Exactly. Thank you, mary. 279 00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:50,815 So, mary, what do you do for a living? 280 00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:52,951 She's a paralegal. 281 00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:57,288 Yes, I'm a paralegal. 282 00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:59,724 So, mary the paralegal. 283 00:10:59,726 --> 00:11:02,093 What does a paralegal do exactly? 284 00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:05,630 I just assist with day-to-day clerical work 285 00:11:05,632 --> 00:11:07,599 In a law firm downtown. 286 00:11:07,601 --> 00:11:08,800 Oh, what firm? 287 00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:11,536 Douglas, o'halloran and stamp. 288 00:11:11,538 --> 00:11:13,004 That's a real law firm. 289 00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:14,172 I know. 290 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:16,041 Nice. 291 00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:18,243 You're pretty good on your feet. 292 00:11:18,245 --> 00:11:20,245 Are you flirting with me? 293 00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:21,713 Is that allowed? 294 00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:24,149 Yes, it's encouraged. 295 00:11:24,151 --> 00:11:26,885 You know, I wouldn't normally say this on a first date, 296 00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:29,688 But... Well, considering... 297 00:11:29,690 --> 00:11:31,222 I'm just going to say it. 298 00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:33,258 You are so hot! 299 00:11:33,260 --> 00:11:34,826 Well, thank you. 300 00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:36,528 You're welcome. 301 00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:38,196 Mary, ted is a great guy. 302 00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,698 You hold on to him. 303 00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:42,434 Don't let him out of your sight for a minute. 304 00:11:43,636 --> 00:11:45,537 So, sandy, what do you do? 305 00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:46,871 Oh, wait, I know what you do. 306 00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:49,641 You're the guy who reads the paper in the morning. 307 00:11:49,643 --> 00:11:51,376 You got me. 308 00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:52,544 What do you do, ted? 309 00:11:52,546 --> 00:11:54,879 Oh, same thing as you... I read the paper every morning. 310 00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:57,082 But then after that, I finish my coffee 311 00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:59,084 And I go to my real job as an architect 312 00:11:59,086 --> 00:12:01,186 Where I make an actual contribution to the world. 313 00:12:01,188 --> 00:12:02,754 ( Chuckles): I'm just kidding. 314 00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:04,089 Love your show. You're terrific. 315 00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:05,457 Thanks. 316 00:12:05,459 --> 00:12:08,159 I never tire of hearing that. 317 00:12:10,362 --> 00:12:12,797 Hey, you know that scene in empire 318 00:12:12,799 --> 00:12:15,200 Where they lower the helmet onto darth vader's head? 319 00:12:15,202 --> 00:12:19,237 Do you think that's how sandy puts his hair on in the morning? 320 00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:22,173 You just insulted someone I hate 321 00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:24,576 By referencing something I love. 322 00:12:24,578 --> 00:12:27,045 Damn, you just got even hotter. 323 00:12:29,515 --> 00:12:32,951 Ted: And so, as the night wore on, I started to realize, 324 00:12:32,953 --> 00:12:36,387 This girl, despite what she did for a living, 325 00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:39,090 Was kind of great. 326 00:12:41,994 --> 00:12:42,994 Hey. 327 00:12:42,996 --> 00:12:43,928 Hey. 328 00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:45,296 Mary seems nice. 329 00:12:45,298 --> 00:12:47,532 Have you kissed her yet, or are you waiting 330 00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:50,001 Until you're in a serious relationship with someone else? 331 00:12:50,003 --> 00:12:51,469 ( Sighs ) 332 00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:53,605 I, uh... I wanted to apologize for everything that happened. 333 00:12:53,607 --> 00:12:55,406 And just like that, it's all okay. 334 00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:56,408 Roll credits. 335 00:12:56,409 --> 00:12:58,109 So you're going to be mad at me forever? 336 00:12:58,111 --> 00:12:59,477 What, we're not even friends now? 337 00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:01,780 We're still friends. Are we? 338 00:13:01,782 --> 00:13:03,314 You don't return my calls, we never hang out 339 00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:04,983 And now you're trying to make my jealous 340 00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:06,918 By waving edward r. Moron in my face? 341 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:08,553 Oh, and paralegally blonde 342 00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:10,855 Isn't here in her low-cut dress to make me jealous? 343 00:13:10,857 --> 00:13:13,792 Oh, so now she's a whore? 344 00:13:13,794 --> 00:13:15,460 What? 345 00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:16,294 You know something? 346 00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:17,962 Mary the paralegal is awesome. 347 00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,030 And you know what else? 348 00:13:19,032 --> 00:13:20,965 I didn't come here tonight to make you jealous, 349 00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:22,834 I came here to support you as a friend. 350 00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:25,570 And frankly, I'm sick of trying. 351 00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:30,341 I like that guy. 352 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,047 Hey. Hey. 353 00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:37,849 What were you guys talking about over there? 354 00:13:37,851 --> 00:13:40,485 Oh, I was, uh, just telling my friend 355 00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:41,853 That I think you're awesome. 356 00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:44,389 Well, thanks. 357 00:13:44,391 --> 00:13:46,825 You know, this is one of the nicer hotels 358 00:13:46,827 --> 00:13:48,026 I've ever been in. 359 00:13:48,028 --> 00:13:49,494 Oh, yeah, my friend did the remodel. 360 00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,963 You should see the rooms. The views are amazing. 361 00:13:51,965 --> 00:13:54,532 Yeah? Maybe it's too bad we don't have a room. 362 00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:56,501 Room 1506. My treat. 363 00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:58,069 You kids go nuts. 364 00:13:58,071 --> 00:14:00,138 Actually, don't use the mini-bar. 365 00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:12,517 Do it. 366 00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:14,853 Come on, ted, do it. This is one of those things 367 00:14:14,855 --> 00:14:16,487 You have to do before you turn 30. 368 00:14:16,489 --> 00:14:17,522 Sleep with a prostitute? 369 00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:18,857 No, lose your virginity. 370 00:14:18,859 --> 00:14:20,191 What up. 371 00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:23,027 Statistic... men who have had at least one relationship 372 00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:24,529 With a prostitute 373 00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:25,930 Are 75% more likely 374 00:14:25,932 --> 00:14:27,599 To have success in future relationships. 375 00:14:27,601 --> 00:14:28,900 You just made that up. 376 00:14:28,902 --> 00:14:30,702 Withdrawn. Lawyered. 377 00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:32,036 Okay, three things. 378 00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:33,404 First of all, robin's category's almost up. 379 00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:35,440 And second of all, you cannot do this. 380 00:14:35,442 --> 00:14:36,608 It's wrong on every level. 381 00:14:36,610 --> 00:14:37,909 And third, 382 00:14:37,911 --> 00:14:39,444 I've been placing small items 383 00:14:39,446 --> 00:14:40,545 In sandy's hair all night. 384 00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:41,579 He still hasn't noticed. 385 00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:42,914 I know I can't do this. 386 00:14:42,916 --> 00:14:43,882 I'm not doing this. 387 00:14:43,884 --> 00:14:45,016 It's just... It's a shame. 388 00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:46,050 She's really cool. 389 00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,719 Yeah, well... There we go. 390 00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:50,255 Vampire lou: Scooter "bam-bam" branson for a bicycle... 391 00:14:50,257 --> 00:14:52,523 Joyride or deathtrap? 392 00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:56,127 For 13, pregnant and addicted. 393 00:14:56,129 --> 00:14:57,362 And robin scherbatsky 394 00:14:57,364 --> 00:15:01,065 For pickles, the singing dog. 395 00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:02,433 And the winner is... 396 00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:04,602 Robin scherbatsky. 397 00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:06,638 ( Applause ) 398 00:15:09,775 --> 00:15:11,676 Thanks. 399 00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:15,747 Oh, wow. 400 00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:17,181 This is really a surprise. 401 00:15:17,183 --> 00:15:20,418 Um, you know it's nice to be able to share this award 402 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:21,753 With my friends. 403 00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:22,687 They're all here tonight. 404 00:15:22,689 --> 00:15:26,190 Marshall, lily, sandy rivers... 405 00:15:27,693 --> 00:15:29,560 Barney... 406 00:15:29,562 --> 00:15:31,663 And that's it. 407 00:15:31,665 --> 00:15:33,298 Those are all my friends. 408 00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,667 Thank you. 409 00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:42,774 Congratulations. 410 00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:45,443 Oh, thanks. 411 00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,712 Um, sandy, do you want to get a cab? 412 00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:49,113 Sure. Let's go. 413 00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:51,649 Yeah, this party's dead. 414 00:15:51,651 --> 00:15:53,084 Mary, you want to go upstairs? 415 00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:57,021 We, uh, got a room. 416 00:15:59,325 --> 00:16:00,892 Marshall: Dude, what are you doing? 417 00:16:00,894 --> 00:16:02,126 What's it look like? 418 00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:03,795 It looks bad, is what it looks like. 419 00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:05,129 You cannot do this. 420 00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:07,098 Marshall, she is a really cool girl 421 00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:08,499 When you get to know her. 422 00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:10,735 Besides, I'm trying to make robin jealous. 423 00:16:10,737 --> 00:16:13,604 Oh, that's real mature. 424 00:16:13,606 --> 00:16:16,007 Lily: Marshall, what is up with you and ted? 425 00:16:16,009 --> 00:16:18,309 Nothing, baby. Don't worry about it. 426 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:20,712 Fine. Do what you want. 427 00:16:20,714 --> 00:16:22,680 Hey. 428 00:16:22,682 --> 00:16:24,215 Should we go? 429 00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:25,016 Yeah. 430 00:16:25,018 --> 00:16:27,919 Thanks. 431 00:16:27,921 --> 00:16:29,721 Well... 432 00:16:29,723 --> 00:16:30,822 Good night. 433 00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:32,724 Good night. 434 00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,841 So, did you and barney ever...? 435 00:16:49,843 --> 00:16:51,442 There's not enough money in the world. 436 00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:53,511 Oh, thank god. 437 00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:54,513 Whew. 438 00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,247 ( Chuckles) 439 00:16:57,549 --> 00:16:58,783 Wow, so they're...? 440 00:16:58,785 --> 00:16:59,851 Uh-huh. 441 00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:03,154 Robin, where's sandy rivers? 442 00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:04,689 I put him in a cab. 443 00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:06,157 So you and he aren't...? 444 00:17:06,159 --> 00:17:08,159 I don't date people I work with. 445 00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:10,695 I was just trying to make ted jealous. 446 00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:13,531 He's off trying to make you jealous. 447 00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:16,534 Oh, well, good for them. 448 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:20,304 And, you know, if ted likes her, she's probably pretty cool. 449 00:17:20,306 --> 00:17:22,607 Marshall: Lily, I know you're asleep, 450 00:17:22,609 --> 00:17:24,308 But I have to tell someone this, 451 00:17:24,310 --> 00:17:25,710 And we tell each other everything. 452 00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:28,312 So, here it goes. 453 00:17:28,314 --> 00:17:29,981 Mary's not a paralegal. 454 00:17:29,983 --> 00:17:31,616 She's a prostitute. 455 00:17:31,618 --> 00:17:33,818 Mary's a prostitute? 456 00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:34,886 What?! 457 00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:36,754 Barney paid for her. 458 00:17:37,923 --> 00:17:39,190 Is that true? 459 00:17:39,192 --> 00:17:40,925 We were having a conversation 460 00:17:40,927 --> 00:17:42,326 About prostitution, 461 00:17:42,328 --> 00:17:43,528 And then barney calls her up 462 00:17:43,530 --> 00:17:45,430 And then she shows up at the bar 463 00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:46,764 And now she and ted are upstairs. 464 00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:49,567 Okay, seriously, what is going on with ted lately? 465 00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:51,702 Is he having a nervous breakdown? 466 00:17:51,704 --> 00:17:56,274 You know, barney, for anyone else, this would be a new low, 467 00:17:56,276 --> 00:17:58,810 But sadly, for you, it's just a new middle. 468 00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:04,582 Oh, my god, I used her lipstick! Ah! 469 00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:05,750 That's her napkin. 470 00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:08,352 ( Yelps): No! 471 00:18:08,354 --> 00:18:10,855 Okay, well, I guess now is as good a time as any. 472 00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:12,056 In keeping with tonight's 473 00:18:12,058 --> 00:18:14,125 Award show motif, I'd like to announce 474 00:18:14,127 --> 00:18:17,829 This evening's big twist ending! 475 00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:19,931 Ah. 476 00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:22,834 Vampire lou, would you do the honors? 477 00:18:23,569 --> 00:18:27,438 "Mary's not really a prostitute." 478 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,608 That's all, vampire lou. Nicely done. 479 00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:33,945 Mary's just a paralegal who lives in my building. 480 00:18:33,947 --> 00:18:36,080 Oh... ha-ha! And here's the best part... 481 00:18:36,082 --> 00:18:38,382 She has no idea that ted thinks she's a hooker. 482 00:18:38,384 --> 00:18:41,486 ( Cackling) 483 00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:42,587 Oh, come on. 484 00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:45,123 If you don't laugh, it just seems mean. 485 00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:48,693 ( Chuckles weakly) 486 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:57,969 I feel kind of like richard gere. 487 00:18:57,971 --> 00:19:00,471 Not shy about your looks, are you? 488 00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:02,173 No. 489 00:19:02,175 --> 00:19:07,145 You know, mary, I've never done this before. 490 00:19:07,147 --> 00:19:08,479 Done what? 491 00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:13,718 You know, been... On a "date." 492 00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,486 Yeah, right. 493 00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:17,021 Wait, you're kidding, right? 494 00:19:17,023 --> 00:19:18,289 No. 495 00:19:18,291 --> 00:19:20,324 Why, is that so odd? 496 00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:22,994 Well, ted, I mean, I've been going on dates 497 00:19:22,996 --> 00:19:25,997 Since I was 15. 498 00:19:25,999 --> 00:19:29,200 God, you were just a kid. 499 00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:31,235 Well, look, let's just have a few drinks. 500 00:19:31,237 --> 00:19:32,870 We'll relax and... 501 00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:34,005 Yeah, that sounds great. 502 00:19:34,007 --> 00:19:37,875 I had clients riding me all day long. 503 00:19:37,877 --> 00:19:39,510 Must be tough. 504 00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:41,812 Yeah. I mean, this one guy just wouldn't leave me alone. 505 00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:44,815 I mean, talk about anal. 506 00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:53,724 Well, here we are. 507 00:19:53,726 --> 00:19:55,359 Uh... 508 00:19:55,361 --> 00:19:59,130 Okay, look, mary, I like you a lot. 509 00:19:59,132 --> 00:20:00,898 I'm sort of amazed 510 00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:02,200 At how much I like you, 511 00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:03,634 But I can't do this. 512 00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:05,269 You're a hooker. 513 00:20:06,438 --> 00:20:07,438 What? 514 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:08,706 Look, maybe I'm old-fashioned, 515 00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:10,575 But I'm sorry, that's a deal-breaker for me. 516 00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:12,977 I'm not going to have sex with a prostitute. 517 00:20:12,979 --> 00:20:15,713 No... Ted, I'm a paralegal. 518 00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,882 Come on, mary, there's no one else around. 519 00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:19,650 You're a hooker. 520 00:20:19,652 --> 00:20:21,886 No, ted... 521 00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:23,387 I'm a paralegal. 522 00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:26,958 No, you're a hooker. 523 00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:30,995 No, I'm a paralegal. 524 00:20:34,399 --> 00:20:36,734 You're a paralegal. 525 00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:40,738 ( Iaughing ) 526 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:41,973 That was not funny. 527 00:20:41,975 --> 00:20:43,874 Not funny, dude. 528 00:20:43,876 --> 00:20:45,943 I know, it was hilarious. 529 00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:47,878 Why would you do that? 530 00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:49,714 I did it to prove a point. 531 00:20:49,716 --> 00:20:50,982 What point? 532 00:20:52,384 --> 00:20:53,584 Stay with me. 533 00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:55,086 It's going to come to me. 534 00:20:55,088 --> 00:20:56,921 No. 535 00:20:56,923 --> 00:20:58,623 Ah, okay, here's the point. 536 00:20:58,625 --> 00:21:01,025 You thought that mary was a sure thing, right? 537 00:21:01,027 --> 00:21:04,595 She took you up to a hotel room on the first date. 538 00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:06,597 All you have to do is be that confident 539 00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:08,799 With every girl you meet and your slump is over. 540 00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:11,769 So the message is, I should treat every woman like a whore? 541 00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:13,971 Come on, dude, you should be thanking me. 542 00:21:13,973 --> 00:21:15,973 She slapped me and stormed off. 543 00:21:15,975 --> 00:21:16,975 Can you blame her? 544 00:21:16,976 --> 00:21:18,743 You called her a hooker. 545 00:21:18,745 --> 00:21:19,977 ( Marshall chuckles) 546 00:21:19,979 --> 00:21:22,213 I'm sorry, dude, it was funny. 547 00:21:22,215 --> 00:21:24,015 Yeah. Well, it's getting late. 548 00:21:24,017 --> 00:21:25,716 I should get back to my room. 549 00:21:25,718 --> 00:21:26,784 Your room? 550 00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:28,319 Yeah, that really expensive hotel room 551 00:21:28,321 --> 00:21:29,954 You put on your credit card... 552 00:21:29,956 --> 00:21:31,255 Never checked out. 553 00:21:31,257 --> 00:21:32,923 By the way, you know what's super fun? 554 00:21:32,925 --> 00:21:36,527 Pouring dom perignon down a bathtub drain. 555 00:21:36,529 --> 00:21:39,430 Well, it's almost 3:00. Got a massage. Toodles. 556 00:21:41,667 --> 00:21:44,135 Come on, if you don't laugh, it just seems mean.