1 00:00:01,601 --> 00:00:02,835 Ted: Okay where were we? 2 00:00:02,837 --> 00:00:05,270 It was June of 2006, 3 00:00:05,272 --> 00:00:07,106 And life had just taken an unexpected turn. 4 00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:08,774 Dad, can't you just skip ahead 5 00:00:08,776 --> 00:00:10,209 To the part where you meet mom? 6 00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:12,444 I feel like you've been talking for like a year. 7 00:00:12,446 --> 00:00:15,047 Honey, all this stuff I'm telling you is important. 8 00:00:15,049 --> 00:00:16,382 It's all part of the story. 9 00:00:16,384 --> 00:00:17,883 Could I go to the bathroom? 10 00:00:17,885 --> 00:00:19,318 No. 11 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:23,789 The summer of 2006 was both wonderful and awful. 12 00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:26,225 For me, it started out great. 13 00:00:26,227 --> 00:00:27,659 In fact, day one was amazing. 14 00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:29,695 I'd finally gotten together with robin. 15 00:00:29,697 --> 00:00:33,632 But while I'd been off having one of the best nights 16 00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:38,704 Had been having one of the worst nights of his. 17 00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:41,740 ♪ Crying in the street... 18 00:00:41,742 --> 00:00:42,708 Marshall: So that's it? 19 00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:44,810 We're breaking up? 20 00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:46,812 Marshall, I'm sorry. I just... 21 00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:49,982 To san francisco and do this art program 22 00:00:49,984 --> 00:00:52,985 And-and figure out who I am outside of us. 23 00:00:52,987 --> 00:00:54,520 And the only way 24 00:00:54,522 --> 00:00:59,591 That I can do that is if... If we don't talk for a while. 25 00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:01,660 For a while. 26 00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:02,928 Try never, okay? 27 00:01:02,930 --> 00:01:06,498 You walk out that door, and we're done. 28 00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:09,201 You're never going to hear my voice again. 29 00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:10,669 I should call her. No, no. 30 00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:12,671 Ted, it is... If you call her 31 00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:14,673 When she asked you not to you're just going to look weak 32 00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:18,210 Now, listen, whenever you feel like calling her, 33 00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:19,711 You come find me first. 34 00:01:19,713 --> 00:01:23,015 And I will punch you in the face. 35 00:01:23,017 --> 00:01:24,616 You're a good friend, ted. 36 00:01:26,786 --> 00:01:28,020 Hey. 37 00:01:28,022 --> 00:01:29,521 So, did you hear the big news? 38 00:01:29,523 --> 00:01:31,457 You mean how lily and marshall broke up, 39 00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:33,592 And lily's gone and nothing else 40 00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,527 Even remotely important happened last night, 41 00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:36,695 Yeah, I think he knows. 42 00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:38,197 Oh, my god. 43 00:01:38,199 --> 00:01:40,766 I-I'm so sorry. Wh... 44 00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:41,700 What happened? 45 00:01:41,702 --> 00:01:43,635 Well, she left. 46 00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:46,438 And I don't even know if she's coming back. 47 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,207 I didn't get your message until I woke up. 48 00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:50,309 Bro, I am so sorry. 49 00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:51,143 Thanks. 50 00:01:51,145 --> 00:01:52,778 I know it must be tough, 51 00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:54,079 But are you ready to hear something 52 00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:55,714 That will not only make you feel better, 53 00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:57,716 But will actively excite you? 54 00:01:57,718 --> 00:02:03,822 For the first time, ever, the three of us are single 55 00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:05,124 At the same time. 56 00:02:05,126 --> 00:02:07,793 I've dreamed about this day, boys, 57 00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:09,094 And it's going to be 58 00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:10,729 Legendary. 59 00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:13,665 Together, we will own this city. 60 00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:17,903 Anytime a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriends, 61 00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:19,605 We'll be there. 62 00:02:19,607 --> 00:02:23,408 Anytime a girl wants to solve her father issues 63 00:02:23,410 --> 00:02:28,313 Through promiscuity and binge drinking, we will be there. 64 00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:31,250 Anytime a bachelorette party drives through the city 65 00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:33,452 In a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof shouting, 66 00:02:33,454 --> 00:02:35,354 "what's up, new york?" 67 00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:38,657 We will be what is up new york. 68 00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:42,594 Gentlemen, we are about to embark on... 69 00:02:46,366 --> 00:02:48,767 Aw, man, you guys did it, didn't you? 70 00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:53,338 Captioning sponsored by 20th century fox television 71 00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:09,621 Is that when love is beginning... 72 00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:12,491 And love is ending, 73 00:03:12,493 --> 00:03:15,394 The first 30 days are remarkably similar. 74 00:03:16,629 --> 00:03:19,164 For one thing, you spend most of your time in bed. 75 00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:25,871 Your friends can't stand to listen to you. 76 00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,206 He's so ticklish. 77 00:03:30,176 --> 00:03:32,044 It was a really beautiful song. 78 00:03:32,046 --> 00:03:36,315 So... Stupid, man. 79 00:03:36,317 --> 00:03:38,884 And you never seem to wear pants. 80 00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:44,890 Hey, marshall. 81 00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:46,925 Hey, ted. 82 00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:48,994 You hungry? What's the point? 83 00:03:48,996 --> 00:03:50,028 I could eat some food. 84 00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:51,863 It's just going to leave me. 85 00:03:51,865 --> 00:03:55,300 Well, at least in that scenario, you get to do the dumping. 86 00:03:56,336 --> 00:03:57,269 Come on, it's Sunday. 87 00:03:57,271 --> 00:03:58,337 It's pancakes day. 88 00:03:58,339 --> 00:04:01,773 Lily always made the pancakes. 89 00:04:01,775 --> 00:04:03,675 God, I loved her pancakes. 90 00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:05,110 So soft. 91 00:04:05,112 --> 00:04:06,878 So warm. 92 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:09,448 So perfectly shaped. 93 00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:11,583 Are we still talking about her pancakes? 94 00:04:12,685 --> 00:04:15,020 Come on, you got to eat something; what can I get you? 95 00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:16,054 Beer. 96 00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:17,856 No, that's what you had for dinner. 97 00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:19,524 Fine. 98 00:04:19,526 --> 00:04:21,927 Then I'll just have leftovers. 99 00:04:23,296 --> 00:04:24,463 Barney: So, he stays home 100 00:04:24,465 --> 00:04:26,865 All the time not getting laid? 101 00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:28,066 No, see, 102 00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:30,102 That's what you do when you have a fiancée. 103 00:04:30,104 --> 00:04:31,870 He should be down here celebrating. 104 00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,372 He's free. 105 00:04:33,374 --> 00:04:36,375 He got that redheaded tumor removed. 106 00:04:36,377 --> 00:04:39,411 You should write and illustrate children's books. 107 00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:40,912 You know what marshall needs to do. 108 00:04:40,914 --> 00:04:43,282 He needs to stop being sad. 109 00:04:44,384 --> 00:04:47,986 When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. 110 00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:50,455 True story. 111 00:04:50,457 --> 00:04:51,990 It's only been a month. 112 00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,725 He just needs to go at his own pace. 113 00:04:53,727 --> 00:04:56,128 Anyway, lily's the one who caused this whole mess. 114 00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:57,829 Hey, cut her some slack. 115 00:04:57,831 --> 00:05:00,832 She's just trying to figure out who she is. 116 00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:03,902 Yeah, she should call me; I got a whole list. 117 00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:04,936 She's selfish. 118 00:05:04,938 --> 00:05:05,938 She's immature. 119 00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:07,506 She's... 120 00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:08,340 What? 121 00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:11,410 God, your eyes are so blue. 122 00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:14,746 Aw, teddy bear. 123 00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:18,250 Oh, that's a... 124 00:05:26,292 --> 00:05:28,827 Yeah, it was hard to feel too bad. 125 00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:30,762 I was dating the woman of my dreams, 126 00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:32,297 And things were going great. 127 00:05:32,299 --> 00:05:33,932 Well, for the most part. 128 00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:35,934 So, I found her shampoo. 129 00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:37,936 I guess she left it here. 130 00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:39,838 It smells like her. 131 00:05:41,441 --> 00:05:46,011 Like lavender and seashells and hope. 132 00:05:47,146 --> 00:05:48,947 Somehow, 133 00:05:48,949 --> 00:05:52,684 Erotic and comforting all at the same time. 134 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,887 That's my shampoo. 135 00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:58,290 Oh, sorry. 136 00:05:58,292 --> 00:06:00,659 Mmm, I thought he'd never go to sleep. 137 00:06:02,129 --> 00:06:03,295 Uh-oh. 138 00:06:03,297 --> 00:06:05,397 Already? 139 00:06:06,499 --> 00:06:08,300 He's calling her. 140 00:06:08,302 --> 00:06:10,702 I don't hear any... He's calling her. 141 00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:12,904 No. 142 00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:15,807 Marshall: Okay, you're right, I won't call her. 143 00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:18,243 I will not call her. 144 00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:20,178 Well, I called her. 145 00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:22,881 And get this, 146 00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:23,749 She changed her number. 147 00:06:23,751 --> 00:06:24,916 What, like I'm going to stalk her, 148 00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:27,819 Or something? Like she's so special. 149 00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:29,888 Like she's the only lily aldrin out there. 150 00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:32,824 'Cause there are four others in the san francisco area alone, 151 00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:34,693 And they all seem a lot better than her 152 00:06:34,695 --> 00:06:37,162 Based on the brief conversations I had with them. 153 00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:39,398 Does he know I'm in here? 154 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:40,532 Yeah, hey, robin. 155 00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:42,234 Anyways, one of the lily aldrins said... 156 00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:43,335 This has to stop. 157 00:06:43,337 --> 00:06:45,504 Ted, we just started dating. 158 00:06:45,506 --> 00:06:47,106 We agreed we don't want to move too fast, 159 00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:48,607 And yet somehow, we have a baby. 160 00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:49,841 He can't feed himself. 161 00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:53,178 He cries a lot, he keeps us up all night. 162 00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:54,413 Have you tried breast-feeding? 163 00:06:54,415 --> 00:06:55,747 Nailed it! 164 00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:58,550 Look, they were together nine years. 165 00:06:58,552 --> 00:07:00,385 It's only been a month and a half. 166 00:07:00,387 --> 00:07:02,387 He just needs to go at his own pace. 167 00:07:02,389 --> 00:07:04,523 He slept on our floor last night, ted. 168 00:07:04,525 --> 00:07:06,425 He watched a scary movie. 169 00:07:06,427 --> 00:07:08,427 It is time for some tough love. 170 00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:10,562 We need to get him out of that apartment. 171 00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:11,963 He needs fresh air. 172 00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:13,265 He needs sunshine. 173 00:07:13,267 --> 00:07:15,567 Mmm, sunshine. 174 00:07:15,569 --> 00:07:19,771 Announcer: Gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, sunshine. 175 00:07:23,142 --> 00:07:26,278 All right, I really don't think this is going to help. 176 00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:28,747 Do you know why you're not over lily yet? 177 00:07:28,749 --> 00:07:31,049 It's 'cause you can still picture her naked. 178 00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:33,452 You can't get over a woman until you can no longer 179 00:07:33,454 --> 00:07:35,654 Picture her boobs; it's a scientific fact. 180 00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:39,324 The average male brain can only store a finite number 181 00:07:39,326 --> 00:07:42,060 Of boob images or "b-pegs". 182 00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:45,964 And your hard drive's filled to capacity with lily's. 183 00:07:46,566 --> 00:07:48,567 There are a lot of them. 184 00:07:48,569 --> 00:07:50,502 Well, they won't go away until you overwrite them 185 00:07:50,504 --> 00:07:52,237 With images of other women's boobs. 186 00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:53,438 Now, this journey may take 187 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:55,774 As many as a million boobs, 188 00:07:55,776 --> 00:07:58,310 So we begin here tonight, my friend. 189 00:07:58,312 --> 00:07:59,845 Two at a time. 190 00:07:59,847 --> 00:08:03,014 Those count as four. 191 00:08:06,819 --> 00:08:07,586 Yeah. 192 00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:08,753 This is fun right? 193 00:08:08,755 --> 00:08:10,589 We're outside, it's a beautiful day. 194 00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:12,524 The indians are winning. 195 00:08:12,526 --> 00:08:14,259 I got to admit, 196 00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:15,594 It is really nice to be outside. 197 00:08:15,596 --> 00:08:16,761 Announcer: Yankee fans, 198 00:08:16,763 --> 00:08:18,463 Please turn your attention to the diamond vision 199 00:08:18,465 --> 00:08:21,266 For a special seventh-inning-stretch surprise. 200 00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:23,368 Oh, no. 201 00:08:23,392 --> 00:08:29,392 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 202 00:08:30,610 --> 00:08:32,544 It's all a big lie! 203 00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:34,446 She's just going to break your heart. 204 00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:40,018 You can drag me out of here, but she has no soul! 205 00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:42,721 We've tried everything... Baseball, strippers. 206 00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:44,723 The guy still won't eat a damn pancake. 207 00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:46,625 I think he's beyond repair. 208 00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:48,560 See, this is the problem with guys. 209 00:08:48,562 --> 00:08:50,128 You don't know how to deal with heartbreak. 210 00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:52,631 Oh, and what's your prescription, dr. Estrogen? 211 00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:55,066 Eat haagen-dazs and watch love actually, 212 00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:56,735 Till your periods sync up. 213 00:09:03,075 --> 00:09:04,876 Yeah, that's the stuff. 214 00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,244 Oh, my god. 215 00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:08,013 How long have you been doing this? 216 00:09:08,015 --> 00:09:10,148 Well, my dad taught me to shoot when I was a kid. 217 00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:13,318 Whenever I'm feeling lonely or depressed, I come here, 218 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,020 And it reminds me that... 219 00:09:15,022 --> 00:09:16,922 Guns are fun. 220 00:09:20,427 --> 00:09:23,428 Um, you know, ted is kind of against guns. 221 00:09:23,430 --> 00:09:24,596 And that's why 222 00:09:24,598 --> 00:09:26,598 Ted's never going to find out about this. 223 00:09:27,266 --> 00:09:29,000 Whoa, that sounded kind of scary 224 00:09:29,002 --> 00:09:30,535 With me holding a gun, didn't it? 225 00:09:30,537 --> 00:09:31,670 No, I-I just mean, 226 00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:33,204 Please don't tell ted. 227 00:09:33,206 --> 00:09:34,539 You want to try? 228 00:09:34,541 --> 00:09:36,841 Only hell yeah. 229 00:09:36,843 --> 00:09:39,945 Oh, yeah, yeah, this is what I needed. 230 00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:43,081 I felt so powerless this whole time, 231 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,950 But this... 232 00:09:44,952 --> 00:09:46,418 This is power. 233 00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:48,920 This is... 234 00:09:49,689 --> 00:09:52,424 I should have mentioned the recoil. 235 00:09:52,426 --> 00:09:54,092 I got to hand it to you, when he got home, 236 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,727 Marshall was smiling. 237 00:09:55,729 --> 00:09:56,561 Did you sleep with him? 238 00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:57,762 'Cause I was actually, 239 00:09:57,764 --> 00:09:59,598 Like, three days away from suggesting that. 240 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,266 Sometimes, all you need is to get in touch 241 00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:02,400 With your feminine side. 242 00:10:05,606 --> 00:10:07,706 Yeah, yeah! 243 00:10:07,708 --> 00:10:08,873 Well, congratulations. 244 00:10:08,875 --> 00:10:10,709 You're the first person to cheer him up all summer. 245 00:10:10,711 --> 00:10:12,644 You win. Oh, what do I win? 246 00:10:12,646 --> 00:10:13,712 I'll tell you what you win: 247 00:10:13,714 --> 00:10:15,380 I'm taking you away this weekend. 248 00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:16,414 You are? Mmm. 249 00:10:16,416 --> 00:10:17,382 That's so nice. 250 00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:18,717 Yeah, my aunt and uncle have a beach house 251 00:10:18,719 --> 00:10:20,719 Out in montauk, oh, it's really romantic. 252 00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:22,787 My uncle's had like three affairs there. 253 00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:24,656 Wow, must be a nice house. 254 00:10:24,658 --> 00:10:26,725 I've seen pictures of your uncle. 255 00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:28,893 This is going to be so great. 256 00:10:28,895 --> 00:10:30,829 We'll finally get some time alone. 257 00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:33,732 Are you sure marshall's going to be okay with this? 258 00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:34,966 Yeah, absolutely. 259 00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:37,068 Dude, I'm doing much better. Oh. 260 00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:39,004 In fact, take my car. 261 00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:39,804 Really? Yeah. 262 00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:41,239 Hey, thanks... And, hey, 263 00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:43,608 If you need anything day or night, just call me... 264 00:10:43,610 --> 00:10:46,111 You know what, please don't call me. 265 00:10:46,113 --> 00:10:47,846 What? What's wrong? 266 00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:50,482 It's, uh, lily's credit card bill. 267 00:10:50,484 --> 00:10:51,750 She must have forgotten 268 00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:52,951 To switch her address. 269 00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:53,985 So? 270 00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:56,087 So, I wonder what kind of charges she's making 271 00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:57,589 Out there in san francisco. No. 272 00:10:57,591 --> 00:10:59,491 No, no good can come from looking at this. 273 00:10:59,493 --> 00:11:00,825 You've made too much progress already. 274 00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:02,927 I know but I just, maybe the... no! 275 00:11:02,929 --> 00:11:05,697 You're going to thank me for this. 276 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:11,102 You're a good friend, ted. 277 00:11:11,871 --> 00:11:14,272 August 5th, one charge... tickets. 278 00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:18,143 To what? George clinton and the p-funk all-stars. 279 00:11:18,145 --> 00:11:21,546 August 10th, one charge: Tennis emporium. 280 00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:24,215 August 18th, two charges: 281 00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:29,120 Mario's bistro and, get this, pet palace. 282 00:11:29,955 --> 00:11:32,515 You guys see what this means, right? 283 00:11:34,460 --> 00:11:36,795 Wow, mario's bistro. 284 00:11:36,797 --> 00:11:39,698 What a perfect place to whore around. 285 00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:42,701 Only the best for my little lily pad. 286 00:11:42,703 --> 00:11:45,070 Oh, funk legend george clinton, 287 00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:47,472 I am so glad you spotted me at your concert 288 00:11:47,474 --> 00:11:51,976 And dragged me onstage to dance with you courtney cox-style. 289 00:11:51,978 --> 00:11:54,379 And I'm so glad you agreed to play tennis with me. 290 00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:55,580 Aw. 291 00:11:55,582 --> 00:11:56,881 You know, marshall tried to get me 292 00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:58,683 To play tennis for nine years, 293 00:11:58,685 --> 00:12:03,688 But I didn't do it, because I never truly loved him. 294 00:12:03,690 --> 00:12:05,156 I got you a gift. 295 00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:06,758 Oh. 296 00:12:07,493 --> 00:12:08,727 A ferret. 297 00:12:08,729 --> 00:12:12,731 Oh, I'll buy it some food next door at the pet palace. 298 00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:15,200 Oh, I've always wanted one, 299 00:12:15,202 --> 00:12:18,203 But marshall had this secret phobia of ferrets. 300 00:12:18,205 --> 00:12:21,406 I bet that's something he made you promise not to tell nobody. 301 00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:23,908 It was. 302 00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:24,843 Oh. 303 00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:27,679 I love you, funk legend george clinton. 304 00:12:27,681 --> 00:12:29,748 I love you, too, lily. 305 00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:31,783 That's right, marshall, she's all mine. 306 00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:33,785 Now I'm gonna let her play with my hair. 307 00:12:33,787 --> 00:12:35,787 ♪ Ow, we want the funk 308 00:12:35,789 --> 00:12:38,123 ♪ give up the funk... 309 00:12:38,125 --> 00:12:39,691 That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. 310 00:12:39,693 --> 00:12:41,359 Yeah, why are you afraid of ferrets? 311 00:12:41,361 --> 00:12:45,830 Because, robin, they're like fuzzy, tube-shaped rats. 312 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,032 Plus, those charges are from, like, a month ago. 313 00:12:48,034 --> 00:12:49,434 Exactly. For new charges, 314 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:55,440 You can see credit card activity from, like, two hours ago. 315 00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:59,144 But, you know, don't. 316 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,780 Why do you talk? 317 00:13:01,782 --> 00:13:03,748 Why do you talk?! 318 00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:04,983 Barney: He needs her password. 319 00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:06,217 It's not like he has her password. 320 00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:08,820 Ooh, this is good, he has her password. 321 00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:10,922 There's a charge from earlier today: 322 00:13:10,924 --> 00:13:13,124 The kellett hotel on 5th. 323 00:13:13,893 --> 00:13:14,893 I don't believe this. 324 00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:17,295 Lily's back in new york. 325 00:13:21,834 --> 00:13:23,468 I can't believe this. 326 00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:24,569 Lily's in new york? 327 00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:25,904 I-I guess I've been thinking 328 00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:27,772 When she got back, she'd call me. 329 00:13:27,774 --> 00:13:29,440 That's really the only reason 330 00:13:29,442 --> 00:13:31,776 I've been able to hold it together so far this summer. 331 00:13:31,778 --> 00:13:34,078 This has been "holding it together"? 332 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:36,147 Okay, you know what? I'm calling her. 333 00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:37,415 No. Ted, give me the phone. 334 00:13:37,417 --> 00:13:38,817 You're not calling her, this changes nothing. 335 00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:41,686 You, come here. 336 00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:42,921 Look, while we're away this weekend, 337 00:13:42,923 --> 00:13:43,955 Can you keep an eye on him, 338 00:13:43,957 --> 00:13:45,456 Make sure he doesn't call that hotel? 339 00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:46,858 You want me to baby-sit him? 340 00:13:46,860 --> 00:13:48,159 20 bucks. 341 00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:49,627 An hour. 342 00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:50,762 And money for pizza. 343 00:13:50,764 --> 00:13:52,297 Uh, yeah, how about you do it for free 344 00:13:52,299 --> 00:13:54,499 Or every time we hang out, you have to watch this? 345 00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:59,437 My little blue-eyed baby, baby lips. Ooh, ooh, sugar, sugar... 346 00:13:59,439 --> 00:14:00,439 Okay, I'll do it! 347 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,073 Stop being a couple. 348 00:14:02,808 --> 00:14:04,776 Marshall. Marshall, marshall! 349 00:14:04,778 --> 00:14:06,477 Ted, I know I shouldn't do this, but I have to! 350 00:14:06,479 --> 00:14:08,546 You call her everything we've worked so hard... 351 00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:11,549 Hello, lily aldrin's room, please. 352 00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:13,985 Thank you. Hang up now. 353 00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:15,720 Ted, I can't hang up now. Hang up now. 354 00:14:15,722 --> 00:14:17,622 The missiles are in the air, and I know that you don't approve. 355 00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:19,257 Hang up. Hello. 356 00:14:24,997 --> 00:14:26,531 Uh, a guy answered. 357 00:14:27,566 --> 00:14:29,300 There's-there's a guy in her room. 358 00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:31,970 I'm going down there. 359 00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:32,971 Barney: Dude, you can't do that. 360 00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:34,639 I have to go down there, and I have 361 00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:36,841 To tell her I love her; I have to beg her to take me back, 362 00:14:36,843 --> 00:14:38,209 Even if I have to get down on my knees. 363 00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:40,044 Marshall, you can't do that. Oh, really, why not? 364 00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:41,679 Ted: 56 days. 365 00:14:41,681 --> 00:14:44,515 That's how long it took me to get right about here. 366 00:14:44,517 --> 00:14:46,384 Because you're pathetic! 367 00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:50,822 I'm sorry, but right now, you are not marshall. 368 00:14:50,824 --> 00:14:52,156 You are the miserable, 369 00:14:52,158 --> 00:14:56,060 Whining, shampoo-sniffing ghost of marshall, 370 00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:57,362 And frankly, a guy like you 371 00:14:57,364 --> 00:14:59,597 Doesn't have a shot in hell with a girl like lily. 372 00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:00,999 You know who might have a shot 373 00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:03,167 Somewhere down the line? 374 00:15:03,169 --> 00:15:03,868 Marshall. 375 00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:05,403 The real marshall. 376 00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:08,006 But if you go down there right now like this, you're going 377 00:15:08,008 --> 00:15:10,368 To blow it for him, and he's never going to forgive you. 378 00:15:11,010 --> 00:15:12,277 Of course, whatever I say, 379 00:15:12,279 --> 00:15:13,845 You're just going to do the opposite, 380 00:15:13,847 --> 00:15:14,847 So have a great weekend. 381 00:15:14,848 --> 00:15:16,014 Good luck screwing up your life. 382 00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:18,082 Come on, robin. 383 00:15:21,887 --> 00:15:24,447 Is it still okay if we borrow the car? 384 00:15:25,624 --> 00:15:28,660 Bold. Bold to go for the car. 385 00:15:31,530 --> 00:15:32,697 What? 386 00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:34,799 I didn't say a thing. 387 00:15:34,801 --> 00:15:36,701 You think I was too hard on him. 388 00:15:36,703 --> 00:15:40,305 I can't believe you're accusing me of being too hard on him. 389 00:15:40,307 --> 00:15:41,940 You're the one who said "tough love." 390 00:15:41,942 --> 00:15:44,475 Yeah, tough love, not "hand the guy a noose." 391 00:15:44,477 --> 00:15:46,644 Oh, but it's okay to hand him a nine millimeter? 392 00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:49,614 Yeah, he told me. 393 00:15:51,550 --> 00:15:53,318 So you're a gun nut? 394 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:56,454 No, I'm a gun enthusiast. Do you know how many people 395 00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:58,056 Are killed each year the second amendment 396 00:15:58,058 --> 00:15:59,223 Protects my right to bear arms... In accidents... 397 00:15:59,225 --> 00:16:00,992 All right, all right, all right. 398 00:16:00,994 --> 00:16:03,394 I was too hard on him. 399 00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:05,063 A little. 400 00:16:06,266 --> 00:16:10,301 I'm going to call barney, see how they're doing. 401 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:12,003 Go for barney. 402 00:16:12,005 --> 00:16:13,171 Oh, hey, where are you guys? 403 00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:14,405 We're at a fund-raiser, 404 00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:16,908 Helping young women raise money for community college. 405 00:16:16,910 --> 00:16:17,842 Strip club, nice. 406 00:16:17,844 --> 00:16:19,777 Is marshall okay? 407 00:16:19,779 --> 00:16:21,446 Yeah, he's here and he's great. 408 00:16:21,448 --> 00:16:22,580 Uh, hang on. Marshall? 409 00:16:22,582 --> 00:16:24,248 Tell ted that... 410 00:16:24,250 --> 00:16:25,783 Uh-oh. 411 00:16:25,785 --> 00:16:28,419 Already? 412 00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:29,654 What? What uh-oh? 413 00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:30,755 He's gone. 414 00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:31,757 You lost him? 415 00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:32,824 I can't believe this. 416 00:16:32,826 --> 00:16:34,092 He's going to go down to that hotel. 417 00:16:34,094 --> 00:16:35,293 Crap, you're right. 418 00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:36,761 Okay, okay, here's the plan, here's the plan. 419 00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:38,262 You go down to the hotel and find him. 420 00:16:38,264 --> 00:16:39,664 I'll stay here and get a lap dance. 421 00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:40,666 On three. One, two... 422 00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,000 Barney! 423 00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:49,474 Was there a hot tub at your uncle's place? 424 00:16:49,476 --> 00:16:52,043 A really nice one. 425 00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:58,282 Hi, uh, could you tell me what room lily aldrin's in? 426 00:16:59,818 --> 00:17:01,486 Marshall. 427 00:17:01,488 --> 00:17:03,554 Hey. 428 00:17:04,390 --> 00:17:05,690 What happened? 429 00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:08,526 Well, I went up to lily's floor, 430 00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,962 And I had this little speech in my head... 431 00:17:10,964 --> 00:17:13,197 Everything I've been wanting to say to her all summer 432 00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:16,734 About love, loyalty, respect. 433 00:17:16,736 --> 00:17:20,238 I knocked on the door. 434 00:17:24,510 --> 00:17:27,478 So you knocked out lily's new boyfriend? 435 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:28,246 Yeah. 436 00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:29,680 It wasn't lily's boyfriend. 437 00:17:29,682 --> 00:17:31,482 What? Who... who was it? 438 00:17:31,484 --> 00:17:34,185 Ted: His name was joey adalian, although he went by a number 439 00:17:34,187 --> 00:17:36,988 Of aliases in his years as an identity thief. 440 00:17:36,990 --> 00:17:39,123 Apparently, earlier in the summer... 441 00:17:40,492 --> 00:17:42,393 Lily: Oh, this is so embarrassing. 442 00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,862 I-I could have sworn I had some change. 443 00:17:44,864 --> 00:17:46,697 I know, I know. 444 00:17:46,699 --> 00:17:47,865 I'm sorry. 445 00:17:47,867 --> 00:17:50,835 Oh, here we go. 446 00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:52,170 No, that's-that's a button. 447 00:17:52,172 --> 00:17:54,472 It was a button. 448 00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:58,910 Do you, uh, take credit cards? 449 00:17:58,912 --> 00:18:00,945 Yes, I do. 450 00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:03,181 So lily's not back in town, 451 00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:04,215 And she doesn't have a boyfriend? 452 00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:05,750 Th-that's good news, right? 453 00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,518 Yeah. 454 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,854 I don't know. 455 00:18:09,856 --> 00:18:11,055 Those credit card charges 456 00:18:11,057 --> 00:18:13,624 Were the only remaining connection I had to her. 457 00:18:14,693 --> 00:18:17,728 I don't know where she is or what she's doing. 458 00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:22,333 She was my whole life, man, and now she's-she's gone. 459 00:18:26,472 --> 00:18:29,607 You know, first day of college, I showed up, 460 00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:35,546 And-and I got up to my room, and there was my roommate, 461 00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:38,116 Lying on the bed with his feet up on the wall. 462 00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:40,785 Had headphones on, big smile on his face 463 00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:42,453 Like he just didn't give a crap. 464 00:18:43,722 --> 00:18:44,889 Happy. 465 00:18:44,891 --> 00:18:46,858 Confident. Not afraid of anything. 466 00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:50,094 That guy was you. 467 00:18:50,096 --> 00:18:52,130 You before you met lily. 468 00:18:53,765 --> 00:18:55,800 Ted? 469 00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:56,767 Yeah? 470 00:18:56,769 --> 00:18:58,769 I was high that day. 471 00:18:58,771 --> 00:18:59,937 I was. 472 00:18:59,939 --> 00:19:02,707 I was so high, I thought you were the dean. 473 00:19:04,643 --> 00:19:06,177 Wh-what I'm saying is 474 00:19:06,179 --> 00:19:08,846 There's a version of you without lily, 475 00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:11,582 And it's not this. 476 00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:14,685 You can't let lily steal your identity 477 00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:17,388 The way that guy stole hers. 478 00:19:19,958 --> 00:19:21,259 Okay. 479 00:19:21,793 --> 00:19:24,428 Okay, resolved. 480 00:19:24,430 --> 00:19:27,431 Starting tomorrow, I'm going to start being okay. 481 00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:30,428 Cheers. Cheers. 482 00:19:31,803 --> 00:19:35,173 ♪ 483 00:19:36,608 --> 00:19:38,376 But he wasn't, 484 00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:40,611 'cause that's not how life works. 485 00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:43,514 The next day, he found one of her socks or something, 486 00:19:47,953 --> 00:19:49,854 And then, one morning... 487 00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:53,124 Ted, I think you should see this. 488 00:19:53,126 --> 00:19:54,425 Oh, no, what now? 489 00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:59,564 Marshall, what are you doing? 490 00:19:59,566 --> 00:20:00,798 It's Sunday. 491 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:03,234 It's pancakes day. 492 00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:13,744 And one really disgusting batch of pancakes... 493 00:20:16,915 --> 00:20:17,982 So good. 494 00:20:17,984 --> 00:20:20,685 Mmm. So good. 495 00:20:20,687 --> 00:20:23,487 But marshall had come back from the dead. 496 00:20:23,489 --> 00:20:26,224 Because while baseball, strippers and guns can help, 497 00:20:26,226 --> 00:20:30,027 The only thing that can really heal a broken heart is time. 498 00:20:30,029 --> 00:20:33,064 ♪ I try to laugh about it 499 00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:37,835 ♪ cover it all up with lies 500 00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:41,372 ♪ I try to laugh about it 501 00:20:41,374 --> 00:20:44,242 ♪ hiding the tears from my eyes ♪ 502 00:20:44,244 --> 00:20:51,349 ♪ 'Cause boys don't cry.