1 00:00:01,267 --> 00:00:03,335 Ted: Marshall and lily had been together 2 00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:04,937 For nine wonderful years, 3 00:00:04,939 --> 00:00:07,706 Until she dumped him and ran off to san francisco. 4 00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:10,776 The healing process was taking a long time. 5 00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:15,147 Then, one night, he made a giant leap forward. 6 00:00:15,149 --> 00:00:16,782 All right, I'll see you guys later. 7 00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:17,983 I'll walk you out. 8 00:00:17,985 --> 00:00:20,285 Marshall: See ya. 9 00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:25,057 You just checked out robin's ass. 10 00:00:25,059 --> 00:00:27,726 What? No! N-no, barney, I was... 11 00:00:27,728 --> 00:00:29,461 Dude, that's awesome. 12 00:00:29,463 --> 00:00:30,796 You're finally forgetting 13 00:00:30,798 --> 00:00:33,665 About that short redhead. Lily. 14 00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:34,833 Yes, lily. Thank you. 15 00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:36,668 That was going to drive me crazy all night. 16 00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:39,171 Hey, ted, marshall just checked out your girlfriend's ass. 17 00:00:39,173 --> 00:00:41,673 I did not, ted, I... That's awesome. 18 00:00:41,675 --> 00:00:42,741 You're finally getting better. 19 00:00:42,743 --> 00:00:44,977 This is the moment I've been waiting for. 20 00:00:44,979 --> 00:00:47,746 Starting tonight, I am going to teach you how to live. 21 00:00:47,748 --> 00:00:49,982 Ted, you had your chance. You're out; marshall's in. 22 00:00:49,984 --> 00:00:52,184 Yes! Oh, god. 23 00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:56,355 Marshall, being a single guy in new york city is like... 24 00:00:56,357 --> 00:00:58,757 What's something everybody likes? Candy. 25 00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:01,560 Yes, it's like being in a candy store. 26 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:04,730 You just walk right in and grab yourself some whoppers. 27 00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:06,732 Yeah. 28 00:01:07,033 --> 00:01:09,001 Is whoppers the best one? 29 00:01:09,003 --> 00:01:09,735 Mounds. 30 00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:10,936 Milk duds. 31 00:01:10,938 --> 00:01:12,671 Gobstoppers. 32 00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:15,174 This went on for another hour. 33 00:01:15,176 --> 00:01:17,609 I'll just skip to the end. 34 00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:18,844 Dubble bubbles. Nice! 35 00:01:18,846 --> 00:01:20,245 Marshall. 36 00:01:20,247 --> 00:01:21,213 We're doing this. 37 00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:23,048 I am not taking no for an answer. 38 00:01:23,050 --> 00:01:25,217 Fine. hey, robin. 39 00:01:25,219 --> 00:01:26,285 Marshall checked out your ass. 40 00:01:26,287 --> 00:01:28,187 Ted, what is wrong with you? 41 00:01:28,189 --> 00:01:30,022 He checked out my ass. 42 00:01:30,024 --> 00:01:33,125 I felt like I was having a bad ass day. 43 00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:35,761 Cool, see ya. 44 00:01:38,131 --> 00:01:39,198 Lily. 45 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:47,200 It is a great ass. 46 00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:57,310 It is a great ass. 47 00:01:57,418 --> 00:01:59,485 Ted: None of us had seen lily in three months. 48 00:01:59,487 --> 00:02:01,487 There were so many unanswered questions, 49 00:02:01,489 --> 00:02:02,754 So many things to say. 50 00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:05,958 Your hair is adorable. 51 00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:10,829 Meanwhile, barney was taking marshall out to meet women 52 00:02:10,831 --> 00:02:12,798 For the first time since he was 17. 53 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:13,999 Just wing it. Come on. 54 00:02:14,001 --> 00:02:15,968 Hi. Have you met marshall? 55 00:02:15,970 --> 00:02:18,003 Hi. Hi. 56 00:02:19,005 --> 00:02:22,374 Look how sweaty my hands are. 57 00:02:23,476 --> 00:02:25,644 It's weird, right? Uh, sweat? 58 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:29,848 Like, this smelly water coming out of your skin. 59 00:02:30,783 --> 00:02:32,818 Eww. It was nice meeting you. 60 00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:35,988 I-I-I hate to interrupt, but, uh, 61 00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:38,023 Do you like magic? 62 00:02:38,025 --> 00:02:39,691 Um, I guess. 63 00:02:42,095 --> 00:02:44,096 Oh, my god! 64 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:51,003 Anyway, marshall here is awesome. 65 00:02:51,005 --> 00:02:53,138 Salad in a bag? His idea. 66 00:02:53,140 --> 00:02:54,039 Dude! 67 00:02:54,041 --> 00:02:55,774 You were awesome last night. 68 00:02:55,776 --> 00:02:57,676 You were charming; you were funny. 69 00:02:57,678 --> 00:02:59,845 You were totally working that girl. 70 00:02:59,847 --> 00:03:01,113 You went home with her. 71 00:03:01,115 --> 00:03:02,714 Yes, I did. 72 00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:04,316 But she told me 73 00:03:04,318 --> 00:03:07,853 That if it wasn't for me, you would have had a shot with her, 74 00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:10,689 So, in hypothetical terms, you scored last night. 75 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,124 All right! 76 00:03:12,126 --> 00:03:14,193 Hypothetical high five. 77 00:03:14,961 --> 00:03:16,962 Nice. 78 00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:19,064 All right. Tonight, we're going to go to the bar... 79 00:03:19,066 --> 00:03:22,134 Barney, no, I am not going out with you ever again. 80 00:03:22,136 --> 00:03:25,571 Come on! I'll, I'll teach you all of my strategies. Oh, really? 81 00:03:25,573 --> 00:03:27,306 My favorite, number seven: 82 00:03:27,308 --> 00:03:29,541 Create a mystery about yourself. 83 00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:30,976 That way, they become so intrigued, 84 00:03:30,978 --> 00:03:33,245 They have to hang out with you all night. 85 00:03:33,247 --> 00:03:35,047 Oh, come on, does that really work? 86 00:03:35,049 --> 00:03:38,650 Maybe it does, and maybe it doesn't. 87 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:42,054 Damn it, that's intriguing. 88 00:03:42,056 --> 00:03:43,296 Okay, I'm in. 89 00:03:46,092 --> 00:03:48,994 I have something you've got to hear. You will not believe what just happened. 90 00:03:48,996 --> 00:03:50,896 You go first. 91 00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:53,765 I found a 1939 penny on the subway. 92 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:56,001 Just imagine the kind of history 93 00:03:56,003 --> 00:03:57,069 This little copper guy... 94 00:03:57,071 --> 00:03:58,503 Lily's back in town. 95 00:03:58,505 --> 00:04:02,674 And you let me go first? Have you seen her? 96 00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:04,343 Uh, yeah. I actually went 97 00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:06,011 Apartment-hunting with her today. 98 00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:07,279 How's she doing? 99 00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:08,981 You're not going to like it. 100 00:04:09,782 --> 00:04:11,450 I am doing great. 101 00:04:11,452 --> 00:04:13,919 This summer: Best thing ever! 102 00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:16,622 San francisco is so happening right now. 103 00:04:16,624 --> 00:04:18,090 She's happy?! 104 00:04:18,092 --> 00:04:20,092 Marshall had the worst summer of his life, 105 00:04:20,094 --> 00:04:22,561 And she's happy. 106 00:04:22,563 --> 00:04:24,196 Yeah, and I suppose her art program 107 00:04:24,198 --> 00:04:26,031 Was all fulfilling or whatever. 108 00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:29,701 Oh. The art program: Best thing ever. 109 00:04:29,703 --> 00:04:31,570 Oh, my god. 110 00:04:31,572 --> 00:04:33,372 This is your best work. 111 00:04:33,374 --> 00:04:34,974 In all my years teaching, I've never seen 112 00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:37,609 Anything so... 113 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:40,545 Needless to say, this is art. 114 00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:44,383 I can't teach you anything. 115 00:04:48,255 --> 00:04:50,055 But the best part of s.F... 116 00:04:50,057 --> 00:04:51,057 Oh, that's what 117 00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:53,625 We call san francisco... The people. 118 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:56,228 Even just riding around on the bus all summer. 119 00:04:56,230 --> 00:04:59,097 It was like a human tapestry. 120 00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:00,732 Hi, I'm mike. 121 00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:04,303 I'm a buddhist monk slash adventure-traveler writer. 122 00:05:04,305 --> 00:05:07,639 I'm paula. I sing in a punk band for children. 123 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,174 Yeah. 124 00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:10,909 I'm dan, I'm a neurosurgeon. 125 00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:12,744 You are stunning, by the way. 126 00:05:15,114 --> 00:05:18,016 Wow. I'm so happy for you. 127 00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:21,086 Oh, she's such a... 128 00:05:21,088 --> 00:05:23,488 After what she did to marshall, 129 00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:26,124 She should come back here devastated, 130 00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:27,759 Crawling on all fours over the broken glass 131 00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:29,127 Of her own shame and regret. 132 00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:32,030 You never chose sides. I respect that. 133 00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:33,131 She's unbelievable. Unbelievable. 134 00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:36,268 Unbelievable? What's unbelievable? 135 00:05:36,270 --> 00:05:37,169 Oh. Listen, marshall. 136 00:05:37,171 --> 00:05:38,937 Ted found a penny on the subway, 137 00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:42,974 And it's old, and that's interesting. 138 00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:45,243 Way to go. 139 00:05:48,648 --> 00:05:50,882 Okay, first of all, that is interesting. 140 00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:52,884 Second, we have to tell him. 141 00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:54,152 No, we don't. 142 00:05:54,154 --> 00:05:56,288 He's just starting to get better, going out with barney. 143 00:05:56,290 --> 00:05:58,357 I mean, how do you think he's going to feel 144 00:05:58,359 --> 00:05:59,991 When he hears lily's moved on? 145 00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:01,393 She's moved on? 146 00:06:01,395 --> 00:06:03,161 It happens. I've fallen out of love 147 00:06:03,163 --> 00:06:04,329 Faster than that before, 148 00:06:04,331 --> 00:06:06,164 Sometimes, boom, with no warning whatsoever. 149 00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:09,701 One day we're in love, the next day, he's dead to me. 150 00:06:10,737 --> 00:06:15,073 But we're great. Honey. 151 00:06:17,643 --> 00:06:20,245 Now, let's review barney's rules for mating without dating. 152 00:06:20,247 --> 00:06:22,714 Lesson two, corollary five. 153 00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:26,151 Make a beautiful woman feel self-conscious and unattractive, 154 00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:27,686 And she'll be putty in your hands. 155 00:06:27,688 --> 00:06:28,688 Excellent. 156 00:06:28,689 --> 00:06:30,255 Have you chosen your entree? 157 00:06:30,257 --> 00:06:33,158 I have. Sweet brunette, eight o'clock. 158 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,726 Nine o'clock. Ten... Thirty. 159 00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,428 She's walking to the bar. 160 00:06:37,163 --> 00:06:38,230 Her? Really? 161 00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:39,232 Yeah. 162 00:06:39,233 --> 00:06:40,732 No, you're right. 163 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,734 Ambition is the enemy of success. 164 00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,069 Okay. Hit it. 165 00:06:48,375 --> 00:06:49,408 What's the matter, four eyes, 166 00:06:49,410 --> 00:06:50,575 You got astigmatism or something? 167 00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:52,377 I'm sorry, I was trying to playfully disarm you, 168 00:06:52,379 --> 00:06:54,346 But I just got out of a long relationship. 169 00:06:54,348 --> 00:06:56,848 I have no idea what I'm doing. 170 00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:58,417 I'm marshall. 171 00:06:58,419 --> 00:07:00,419 Hi, marshall. Amy. 172 00:07:00,421 --> 00:07:02,187 Don't worry. I've been there. 173 00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:03,688 Hold on. 174 00:07:03,690 --> 00:07:06,258 Nice recovery. I think it's working. 175 00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:07,260 Um, amy. 176 00:07:07,261 --> 00:07:08,894 This is my friend, barney. 177 00:07:08,896 --> 00:07:10,562 Barney, this is amy. 178 00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:11,763 Hi, barney. 179 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,331 Nice to meet you. Hi. 180 00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:18,303 Amy, do you like... Magic? 181 00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:21,273 I hate you. I am so sorry. 182 00:07:21,275 --> 00:07:22,541 It's a sickness. 183 00:07:22,543 --> 00:07:24,209 I'm the real victim here. 184 00:07:24,211 --> 00:07:25,710 Twice. 185 00:07:25,712 --> 00:07:27,879 Twice in a row, you took my candy. 186 00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:29,281 That was my candy. 187 00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:30,816 I know, but tonight... 188 00:07:30,818 --> 00:07:31,750 No. 189 00:07:31,752 --> 00:07:32,752 Forget it. 190 00:07:32,753 --> 00:07:34,886 You're such a jackass. 191 00:07:37,223 --> 00:07:39,291 I thought you were gonna call me a jerk. 192 00:07:40,726 --> 00:07:42,060 All right, I'm sorry. 193 00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:44,095 I will make it up to you. 194 00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:45,397 Tonight, we'll go to a college bar 195 00:07:45,399 --> 00:07:48,066 Near nyu... The scorpion and the toad. 196 00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:49,134 I figure 197 00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:50,235 In a younger crowd 198 00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:51,736 You'll seem more mature, more worldly 199 00:07:51,738 --> 00:07:55,407 And, as a third-year law student, more smarter. 200 00:07:59,412 --> 00:08:00,512 Okay, but no magic. 201 00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:05,650 How did you do that? 202 00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:07,819 I'm taking a leak, dumb-ass. 203 00:08:10,089 --> 00:08:11,189 The next day robin and I 204 00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:13,258 Went apartment-hunting with lily. 205 00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:15,927 But I need the freedom to really chase my passion, 206 00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:16,862 Which was painting, 207 00:08:16,864 --> 00:08:18,363 But now I think it's music 208 00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:20,131 Or spoken word... maybe both. 209 00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:21,967 God! Isn't life amazing? 210 00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:25,303 It is so great to see you, ted. 211 00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:28,206 I'm going to get the key from the lockbox. 212 00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:30,475 Hmm? 213 00:08:30,477 --> 00:08:31,376 What? 214 00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:32,544 She's miserable. 215 00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:34,146 She's realized she's made a huge mistake. 216 00:08:34,147 --> 00:08:36,114 Her and marshall will be back together in a week. 217 00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:38,016 I love it! Um, no. You just 218 00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,184 Want lily to be miserable. 219 00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:40,352 The truth is, she's happy. 220 00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:42,354 Trust me. I've known lily for nine years. 221 00:08:42,356 --> 00:08:43,788 Trust me. I'm a girl. 222 00:08:43,790 --> 00:08:45,190 Yeah, but you're canadian. Why do you always 223 00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:46,491 Have to bring that up? 224 00:08:46,493 --> 00:08:48,026 You're our weird neighbors to the north. 225 00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:49,995 You bring it up every time. All right, five bucks says 226 00:08:49,997 --> 00:08:51,363 She still wants marshall. 227 00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:53,298 You're on. 228 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,567 Five american bucks. Damn it. 229 00:08:55,569 --> 00:08:57,402 Okay, so how do we get 230 00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:58,470 The truth out of her. 231 00:08:58,472 --> 00:09:00,705 Tequila. It's her weakness. 232 00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:03,147 Three shots, she'll tell you the truth about anything. 233 00:09:03,576 --> 00:09:05,977 I hope this is my new home. 234 00:09:08,814 --> 00:09:11,483 Yeah, I'm going to take that first apartment. 235 00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:15,353 Marshall eriksen, suit up! 236 00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:17,389 No way. Yeah, you're good in that. 237 00:09:17,391 --> 00:09:18,490 Let's go. 238 00:09:18,492 --> 00:09:19,891 Wait. 239 00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:21,192 Empty your pockets. 240 00:09:21,194 --> 00:09:23,428 Come on. 241 00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:29,834 Come on, let's... 242 00:09:29,836 --> 00:09:31,036 sleeves. 243 00:09:31,038 --> 00:09:33,004 There is nothing in my... 244 00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:40,512 Oh, is that right? 245 00:09:40,514 --> 00:09:41,514 Uh-huh. 246 00:09:41,515 --> 00:09:43,214 Let's go. 247 00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:45,283 Behind my ear. 248 00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:47,052 There is nothing behind your... 249 00:09:47,054 --> 00:09:48,687 Both: Oh. 250 00:09:51,891 --> 00:09:53,892 Woman: Yeah, I'm in pre-law. 251 00:09:53,894 --> 00:09:56,261 The workload's killing me, though. 252 00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:57,362 Oh, tell me about it. 253 00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:59,097 I'm third year at columbia law, so... 254 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:02,033 Does kill you, I can probably get a conviction. 255 00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:04,536 Yeah. 256 00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,572 You must be majoring in chemistry, 257 00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:10,875 'cause what I'm picking up between us is, uh... 258 00:10:10,877 --> 00:10:12,877 College lesbian phase. 259 00:10:16,248 --> 00:10:19,150 Listen, I got to go, 260 00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:20,485 But it'd be great to see you again. 261 00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:23,488 Yes, it would. 262 00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:26,057 It really would. 263 00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:28,126 Well, maybe I'll see you here sometime. 264 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:31,896 Probably not. I'm never here, so... 265 00:10:31,898 --> 00:10:33,565 You know, I do have a phone number. 266 00:10:33,567 --> 00:10:37,335 Great. Nice. 267 00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:39,104 Hi, I'm barney. 268 00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:40,171 Oh, no. 269 00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:41,773 Do you... 270 00:10:41,775 --> 00:10:43,742 Mind giving my friend your phone number? 271 00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:45,076 Sure. 272 00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:48,179 Whoo! 273 00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:50,915 I did it! I got a girl's phone number. 274 00:10:50,917 --> 00:10:52,917 Oh, and her handwriting is so cute. Look. 275 00:10:52,919 --> 00:10:55,120 Oh, I'm gonna take her out for chinese food 276 00:10:55,122 --> 00:10:56,855 And then maybe we'll walk through the park. 277 00:10:56,857 --> 00:10:58,456 It'll be so... What? 278 00:10:58,458 --> 00:11:01,359 Sorry, buddy, I'm taking this one, too. 279 00:11:06,799 --> 00:11:08,099 I'll kill you! 280 00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:10,669 And then, I discovered this area, north beach. 281 00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:12,303 Best beach ever! 282 00:11:12,305 --> 00:11:13,705 Oh, I've been 283 00:11:13,707 --> 00:11:16,141 Blabbering on about my summer. 284 00:11:16,143 --> 00:11:18,209 How are you guys doing? 285 00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:19,511 And hey, how's marshall? 286 00:11:19,513 --> 00:11:21,212 Give me the card! I'm not giving you any card. 287 00:11:21,214 --> 00:11:22,881 I swear...! You are not getting...! 288 00:11:22,883 --> 00:11:23,815 Terrific. 289 00:11:23,817 --> 00:11:25,116 That is so good to hear. 290 00:11:26,153 --> 00:11:27,218 Oh, hold on. 291 00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:29,154 This could be about the apartment. 292 00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:33,158 Okay, we're way past truth-telling-lilly 293 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:34,893 And about to hit cinco-de-mayo-1998-lilly 294 00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:36,227 And I'm not cleaning that up again. 295 00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:39,898 So, congratulations, you win. 296 00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,466 She's happy. 297 00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,268 I didn't get it. 298 00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:45,870 That first apartment, I... 299 00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:47,972 I waited too long and... 300 00:11:47,974 --> 00:11:50,508 Somebody else got it. 301 00:11:52,746 --> 00:11:55,480 Interesting. 302 00:11:56,182 --> 00:11:57,882 Wow, lily, you, uh... 303 00:11:57,884 --> 00:11:59,718 Seem to be having a pretty strong reaction 304 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:00,919 On losing an apartment. 305 00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:02,754 I wonder if it's because it reminds you 306 00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:05,690 Of something else you lost because you couldn't commit. 307 00:12:05,692 --> 00:12:07,492 No, lily, 308 00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:09,060 You're crying over the crown molding 309 00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:10,729 And the real hardwood floors. 310 00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:12,564 There's no deeper meaning. 311 00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:14,933 Right, lily? Just quit crying and tell him. 312 00:12:16,703 --> 00:12:20,438 The apartment is a metaphor for marshall. 313 00:12:20,462 --> 00:12:26,462 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 314 00:12:27,913 --> 00:12:29,347 Stop it. You don't want to see 315 00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:30,849 What I'm like when I'm angry. 316 00:12:30,851 --> 00:12:31,950 Stop! Hold on! 317 00:12:31,952 --> 00:12:33,284 If we can't settle this like gentlemen, 318 00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:34,519 Then no one gets the number. 319 00:12:36,056 --> 00:12:37,056 Stop the cab. Wha...? 320 00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:40,291 No, wait. Come on. 321 00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:42,127 Marshall! 322 00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:44,963 81st and first, please. 323 00:12:46,932 --> 00:12:49,467 Ah, she does have cute handwriting. 324 00:12:50,736 --> 00:12:53,037 Ted: The thing about a hangover 325 00:12:53,039 --> 00:12:54,906 Is that everyone has their own special remedy. 326 00:12:54,908 --> 00:12:55,774 Waiter: Morning, guys. 327 00:12:55,776 --> 00:12:57,208 What can I get you? Shh! 328 00:12:57,210 --> 00:13:00,411 Bring me the dirtiest, greasiest tuna melt you got. 329 00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:02,213 And a milkshake. 330 00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:04,048 For you, sir? 331 00:13:04,050 --> 00:13:07,485 Gravy. 332 00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:09,420 You want that gravy on something? 333 00:13:09,422 --> 00:13:11,422 Surprise me. 334 00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:13,091 I'd take you with gravy 335 00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:15,660 If my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here. 336 00:13:15,662 --> 00:13:18,029 Just kidding. I'm good. 337 00:13:19,498 --> 00:13:21,266 What are you so chirpy about? 338 00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:23,601 She's still drunk from last night. 339 00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:25,170 I don't think so. 340 00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:27,672 Whoo! 341 00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:31,442 Look, if you want marshall back so bad, 342 00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:34,312 How come it took you two days to even ask about him? 343 00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:35,947 I was dying to ask. 344 00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:38,116 I was just trying to play it cool. 345 00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:39,751 But really... 346 00:13:39,753 --> 00:13:41,820 But it's good, I mean, work is great... 347 00:13:41,822 --> 00:13:43,121 Lily: Come on, say something about marshall. 348 00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:45,423 What's marshall doing right now? 349 00:13:45,425 --> 00:13:46,624 Shut up and talk about marshall. 350 00:13:46,626 --> 00:13:47,926 Shut up and talk about marshall. 351 00:13:47,928 --> 00:13:51,095 Marshall, marshall, marshall, marshall... 352 00:13:51,097 --> 00:13:52,463 I've got to ask! 353 00:13:52,465 --> 00:13:54,499 And hey, how's marshall? 354 00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,100 It was such an awful summer. 355 00:13:56,102 --> 00:13:59,037 I just wanted to get back here and see him. 356 00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:00,972 But I thought your summer was great. 357 00:14:00,974 --> 00:14:03,007 Not exactly. 358 00:14:03,009 --> 00:14:05,777 Oh, my god. 359 00:14:05,779 --> 00:14:07,712 This is your best work? 360 00:14:08,881 --> 00:14:09,948 In all my years teaching, 361 00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:12,851 I've never seen anything so needless. 362 00:14:13,819 --> 00:14:16,521 To say this is... Art... 363 00:14:18,157 --> 00:14:20,091 I can't teach you anything. 364 00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:25,563 So all those interesting people you met on the bus? 365 00:14:25,565 --> 00:14:27,665 Yeah, um... 366 00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,801 Hi. I'm mike. 367 00:14:29,803 --> 00:14:33,371 I'm a buddhist monk slash adventure travel writer. 368 00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:38,409 : I'm paula. I sing in a punk band for children. 369 00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:40,411 : I'm dan. I'm a neurosurgeon. 370 00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:44,916 You are stunning, by the way. 371 00:14:44,918 --> 00:14:47,919 I never got in touch because I was too embarrassed. 372 00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:49,754 I screwed everything up. 373 00:14:49,756 --> 00:14:52,857 I have no job, no place to live. 374 00:14:52,859 --> 00:14:55,393 I lost the love of my life. 375 00:14:56,862 --> 00:14:58,897 I know I have no right to ask this, 376 00:14:58,899 --> 00:15:01,432 But do you think marshall would take me back? 377 00:15:01,434 --> 00:15:03,067 In a heartbeat. 378 00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:04,569 If you called him up, yeah, 379 00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:06,738 He'd take you back with open arms. 380 00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:10,074 Wow. So maybe I should call him. 381 00:15:10,076 --> 00:15:12,577 Maybe. 382 00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:14,913 No! This is... Ow! 383 00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:16,281 Hold on. 384 00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:19,117 Look, if you're going to go back to him, 385 00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:20,852 I don't want to hear the word "maybe." 386 00:15:20,854 --> 00:15:22,520 "maybe" cannot be in your vocabulary. 387 00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:24,722 This breakup almost killed him. 388 00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:26,758 And he cannot go through it again. 389 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:27,926 So, unless 390 00:15:27,928 --> 00:15:29,928 You're absolutely certain, 391 00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:31,296 Stay the hell away from him. 392 00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:37,969 This guy likes pennies. 393 00:15:40,472 --> 00:15:41,539 Hi, marshall. 394 00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:43,975 No, go away. I don't want to talk to you. 395 00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:46,644 Okay, I know what I did a couple nights back 396 00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:49,147 Is in a moral gray area. 397 00:15:49,149 --> 00:15:52,617 But the great news is, she loved you. 398 00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,218 If things had gone your way... 399 00:15:54,220 --> 00:15:55,486 You'd gone out a couple times, 400 00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:57,822 I think she definitely would have had sex with you. 401 00:15:57,824 --> 00:16:00,325 There's no "would" in sex. 402 00:16:01,761 --> 00:16:03,227 You're right, I totally... 403 00:16:03,229 --> 00:16:05,096 I'm just no good at this, barney. 404 00:16:05,098 --> 00:16:06,998 I'm good at being in a couple. 405 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,299 I'm good at being lily's boyfriend. 406 00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:10,301 Being single... forget it. 407 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:12,236 Come on, you can't give up now. 408 00:16:12,238 --> 00:16:14,272 What if I told you that you could relive that night 409 00:16:14,274 --> 00:16:15,940 With the exact same conversations, 410 00:16:15,942 --> 00:16:17,241 The exact same jokes 411 00:16:17,243 --> 00:16:20,178 Only this time, you get her and I don't. 412 00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:21,512 That's not possible. 413 00:16:21,514 --> 00:16:23,181 Oh, but it is. 414 00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:26,150 She has... Wait for it... 415 00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:27,819 Here it comes... 416 00:16:27,821 --> 00:16:29,821 Almost there... 417 00:16:29,823 --> 00:16:31,189 An identical twin. 418 00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:33,091 Yes! 419 00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:35,360 A twin isn't the same person. 420 00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:37,762 Of course it is. What do you think identical means? 421 00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:40,331 "Ident"... same, "ical"... person. Same person. 422 00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,853 Hey, we could double date. 423 00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:46,170 Fine. 424 00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:48,039 But you have to promise me, 425 00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:51,175 You're not going to steal my new twin, and leave me 426 00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:53,544 With your old, used-up twin. 427 00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:54,879 Used-up? 428 00:16:54,881 --> 00:16:58,116 They're a human being, marshall. 429 00:17:00,119 --> 00:17:02,220 So uncle marshall and uncle barney 430 00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:04,342 Went out on a double date with the twins. 431 00:17:04,990 --> 00:17:06,124 How you doing? 432 00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:07,291 Great. 433 00:17:07,293 --> 00:17:09,527 Amazing. This is so much fun. 434 00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:11,629 And I think me and the girl are really clicking. 435 00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:12,897 You are. You definitely are. 436 00:17:12,899 --> 00:17:14,565 Listen, you're going to have to leave now. 437 00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:17,035 I just talked with the twins, and get this, 438 00:17:17,037 --> 00:17:19,704 I'm going home with both of them. 439 00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:22,874 Yeah. That's happening. 440 00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:25,810 It is impossible that you're doing this to me again. 441 00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:28,246 But they're twins. 442 00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:30,715 You... you said to me that being single 443 00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:32,383 Would be like being in a candy store. 444 00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:34,385 Well, it's not. It's not like a candy store. 445 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:37,255 It's a lawless, postapocalyptic wasteland. 446 00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:39,757 I may be your best friend... Actually ted's my best friend. 447 00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:43,061 But in this world, it's every hombre for himself. 448 00:17:43,063 --> 00:17:45,530 That's what being single is. 449 00:17:45,532 --> 00:17:47,398 And after nine years in captivity, 450 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,734 That is the single greatest lesson I can teach you 451 00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:51,169 About surviving in the wild. 452 00:17:51,171 --> 00:17:53,604 Now, if you'll excuse me... 453 00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:55,339 I have two unique breasts 454 00:17:55,341 --> 00:17:57,341 And two duplicates waiting for me. 455 00:18:01,848 --> 00:18:04,782 Oh, bad news: Marshall got food poisoning. 456 00:18:04,784 --> 00:18:06,717 What? Oh, no. 457 00:18:06,719 --> 00:18:08,853 That's too bad. I really liked him. 458 00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:12,356 Yeah. Well, I guess we're just a threesome tonight. 459 00:18:22,434 --> 00:18:25,536 Lily, what are you doing here? 460 00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:28,172 Oh, oh, I was just walking by. I wasn't... 461 00:18:29,541 --> 00:18:31,042 Oh, you mean new york? 462 00:18:31,044 --> 00:18:32,044 My program ended. 463 00:18:32,045 --> 00:18:33,811 It was just great. 464 00:18:33,813 --> 00:18:36,380 Just lots of fun... It was awful. 465 00:18:36,382 --> 00:18:38,082 It was the worst mistake I ever made. 466 00:18:38,084 --> 00:18:41,285 I'm so sorry, marshall, and... Hello. 467 00:18:43,755 --> 00:18:46,157 Lily, this was the worst summer of my life. 468 00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:49,293 I know. It was the worst summer of my life. 469 00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:52,330 It was the hardest thing that I've ever had to go through. 470 00:18:52,332 --> 00:18:55,800 Can we please get back together? 471 00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:59,971 All that crap you said to me about, 472 00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:03,908 "we need to figure out who we are outside of us, 473 00:19:03,910 --> 00:19:06,777 And we need to learn to do things on our own," 474 00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:09,046 It broke my heart. 475 00:19:10,449 --> 00:19:13,918 Three months ago, you broke my heart. 476 00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,523 Can we please get back together? 477 00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:21,659 Lily, you were right. 478 00:19:22,761 --> 00:19:27,765 All that crap was right. 479 00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,767 So, no. 480 00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:32,136 No, we can't get back together. 481 00:19:32,138 --> 00:19:34,305 We shouldn't. 482 00:19:34,307 --> 00:19:37,175 At least, not right now. 483 00:19:37,177 --> 00:19:40,311 Wow. 484 00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:44,682 Okay. Yeah. 485 00:19:46,818 --> 00:19:48,352 Well... 486 00:19:50,556 --> 00:19:53,157 Will we still see each other? 487 00:19:53,159 --> 00:19:55,860 Yeah, yeah. 488 00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:57,028 I think so. 489 00:19:58,997 --> 00:20:00,731 I don't know. 490 00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:02,973 This is all really new to me. 491 00:20:04,970 --> 00:20:07,772 I just got out of a long relationship. 492 00:20:12,511 --> 00:20:13,978 I like your hair. 493 00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:16,013 Thanks. 494 00:20:16,015 --> 00:20:20,551 I figured new city, a different color... 495 00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,553 ♪ ...Wide open road 496 00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:25,823 ♪ it was love to us 497 00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:29,126 ♪ it was all that we had... 498 00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:35,433 And the pizza there: Worst pizza ever. 499 00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:39,370 I'm so glad to be back in new york. 500 00:20:39,372 --> 00:20:43,941 Listen, if there's anything I can do 501 00:20:43,943 --> 00:20:47,578 To even begin to make things up to you... 502 00:20:49,381 --> 00:20:52,516 Actually, there may be something that you can do for me, 503 00:20:52,518 --> 00:20:55,920 But you can never ever ask me why. 504 00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:58,956 So then I was promoted to assistant ménage-er... 505 00:20:58,958 --> 00:21:01,692 Manager... Why do I keep doing that? 506 00:21:01,694 --> 00:21:04,395 Lily? 507 00:21:04,397 --> 00:21:06,797 You gave me chlamydia, you jerk. 508 00:21:11,870 --> 00:21:13,771 So where was I? 509 00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:15,940 Ah, yes, assistant ménage-er... I did it again. 510 00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:18,175 I can't believe it. 511 00:21:19,578 --> 00:21:21,445 You gave my twin sister chlamydia. 512 00:21:21,447 --> 00:21:23,447 You slime! 513 00:21:26,551 --> 00:21:28,719 Wha... Wait, I know magic. 514 00:21:31,890 --> 00:21:33,824 Well played, eriksen. 515 00:21:33,826 --> 00:21:36,193 Well played.