1 00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:03,635 Ted: Your uncle barney was always a bit of an enigma. 2 00:00:03,637 --> 00:00:05,938 In all the years we lived in new york, 3 00:00:05,940 --> 00:00:07,940 None of us had ever set foot in his apartment. 4 00:00:07,942 --> 00:00:10,743 Until one day, one of us did. 5 00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:15,948 It's a pretty good story. 6 00:00:15,950 --> 00:00:18,617 And believe it or not, alcohol did not play a role. 7 00:00:18,619 --> 00:00:20,619 It all started two weeks earlier 8 00:00:20,621 --> 00:00:22,287 At lily's housewarming. 9 00:00:22,289 --> 00:00:24,690 Welcome to my new home. 10 00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:26,291 Oh, wow, lily, this is... 11 00:00:26,293 --> 00:00:28,293 Oh, this is all of it. 12 00:00:28,295 --> 00:00:29,862 Yeah, I know it's small, 13 00:00:29,864 --> 00:00:31,964 But it's got character. 14 00:00:31,966 --> 00:00:33,198 Thank you. 15 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,467 And I am learning lithuanian from my neighbors. 16 00:00:35,469 --> 00:00:36,835 They're great. 17 00:00:36,837 --> 00:00:38,670 They're always out there in the hall, you know, 18 00:00:38,672 --> 00:00:41,173 Cooking and gambling and giving each other haircuts. 19 00:00:41,175 --> 00:00:42,808 It's nice. 20 00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:45,144 Hey, is that a toilet in your kitchen? 21 00:00:45,146 --> 00:00:46,645 Or a stove in your bathroom? 22 00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:49,648 Oh, that's not just a stove. 23 00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:51,216 That's a stovenkerator: 24 00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:52,551 A combination of a stove, 25 00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:55,554 Oven, sink and refrigerator. 26 00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:56,655 Stovenkerator. 27 00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:57,823 Isn't that futuristic? 28 00:00:57,825 --> 00:00:59,391 God, I hope not. 29 00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,160 Hey, cool murphy bed. 30 00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:03,896 Yeah, it's kind of a mess. 31 00:01:03,898 --> 00:01:05,230 I didn't make my bed this morning, so... 32 00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:06,999 Oh! 33 00:01:07,001 --> 00:01:09,401 You know what, 34 00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:12,004 I bet sleeping at this angle is good for you. 35 00:01:12,006 --> 00:01:13,338 For some reason. 36 00:01:13,340 --> 00:01:15,574 I got it. 37 00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:23,348 That was, something, something, 38 00:01:23,350 --> 00:01:27,853 I am going to, something, you like a, something, donkey. 39 00:01:27,855 --> 00:01:28,987 Huh. 40 00:01:29,889 --> 00:01:31,256 Other cultures. 41 00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:32,391 Hey, 42 00:01:32,393 --> 00:01:33,892 Let's break out the fruit basket. 43 00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:35,761 Hey, who ate all the...? 44 00:01:35,785 --> 00:01:45,785 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 45 00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:55,914 Okay, we have to get lily out of that apartment. 46 00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:57,116 Her roommate is a raccoon. 47 00:01:57,884 --> 00:01:59,218 I'd offer her my place, 48 00:01:59,220 --> 00:02:00,719 But I've got dogs and she's allergic. 49 00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:01,920 Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. 50 00:02:01,922 --> 00:02:03,755 I think she's a little more allergic to that. 51 00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:05,057 Robin: What about your place, barney? 52 00:02:05,059 --> 00:02:06,925 I know it's shrouded in mystery, 53 00:02:06,927 --> 00:02:08,393 But it's gotta have a couch. 54 00:02:08,395 --> 00:02:10,129 The fortress of barnitude? No way. 55 00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:11,763 Come on. She's desperate. 56 00:02:11,765 --> 00:02:13,732 Hmm, normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home, 57 00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:15,134 But... Pass. 58 00:02:16,569 --> 00:02:18,437 One of you guys is very, very lucky 59 00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:19,938 Because I have... 60 00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:21,406 A boom, an extra ticket 61 00:02:21,408 --> 00:02:23,408 To the alanis morissette concert. Who's in? Ew. 62 00:02:23,410 --> 00:02:24,943 Absolutely not. No. 63 00:02:24,945 --> 00:02:26,578 Damn! I got these tickets, like, months ago 64 00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:29,715 For me and lily and now I can't find anyone to go with me. 65 00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:32,317 This is what I miss about being in a couple. 66 00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:33,919 I always had someone to go to concerts with, 67 00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:35,787 Or farmer's market, 68 00:02:35,789 --> 00:02:37,589 Or brunch. 69 00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:38,957 God, I miss brunch! 70 00:02:38,959 --> 00:02:39,958 Well, I guess you could... 71 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:41,994 Well, you could try going to brunch alone. 72 00:02:41,996 --> 00:02:43,495 Oh, you don't think I've tried? 73 00:02:44,264 --> 00:02:45,330 Table for one. 74 00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:47,266 One couple? 75 00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:49,434 Um, no, just me. 76 00:02:49,436 --> 00:02:52,604 Really? For brunch? 77 00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:54,373 You're right. Who am I kidding? 78 00:02:55,808 --> 00:02:57,843 Ooh, the popover pantry. That place is great. 79 00:02:57,845 --> 00:02:59,111 Can we go get brunch tomorrow? 80 00:02:59,113 --> 00:03:00,312 Of course, sweetie. 81 00:03:00,314 --> 00:03:01,980 Can I go with you guys? 82 00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:04,016 Really? For brunch? 83 00:03:04,951 --> 00:03:07,052 God, I hate being single! 84 00:03:09,956 --> 00:03:12,324 Okay, I'll take the over on the pittsburgh game. 85 00:03:12,326 --> 00:03:14,626 Oh, and p. To the s., I never got my payout 86 00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,962 From seattle from two weeks ago. 87 00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:20,699 Yeah. Don't make me call the gaming commission on you. 88 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,634 I'm sure they'd be very interested 89 00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:24,036 To know what's going on over there. 90 00:03:24,038 --> 00:03:27,472 All right? All right? 91 00:03:27,474 --> 00:03:29,608 Okay, I love you, too, mom. Take care. 92 00:03:33,012 --> 00:03:35,214 Hello, lily. 93 00:03:37,016 --> 00:03:40,319 You've somehow managed to circumvent my security. 94 00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:42,154 How did you do it? 95 00:03:42,156 --> 00:03:43,822 Ted gave me your spare key. 96 00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:46,024 Spare key, brilliant! 97 00:03:46,026 --> 00:03:48,393 I'm sorry, but you know I'd only come here 98 00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:49,895 If I had no other choice. 99 00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:53,298 But earlier today, I was getting ready to go to sleep and... 100 00:04:06,012 --> 00:04:09,114 Sveikas. 101 00:04:11,017 --> 00:04:12,484 That's terrible. 102 00:04:13,353 --> 00:04:15,020 Well, see ya. 103 00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:18,056 Well, can I stay here maybe? Oh... 104 00:04:18,058 --> 00:04:20,859 I'd let you, but I don't have any room. 105 00:04:20,861 --> 00:04:23,028 You live in a two-bedroom apartment. 106 00:04:23,030 --> 00:04:25,697 You have one room just for your suits. 107 00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:27,899 Hey, I'm at a point in my life 108 00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:29,134 Where my suits are my family. 109 00:04:30,370 --> 00:04:31,870 Look around you, lily. 110 00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:34,906 You are in the heart of bachelor country, 111 00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:37,609 And as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here. 112 00:04:38,611 --> 00:04:40,445 Now, you can try to apply for a sex visa, 113 00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:42,214 But that only lasts 12 hours. 114 00:04:42,216 --> 00:04:44,049 14 if you qualify for multiple entry. 115 00:04:45,386 --> 00:04:47,719 Eww... Is something 116 00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:49,955 Some lame, judgmental chick would say, 117 00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:53,892 But I say give me multiple high fives. 118 00:04:53,894 --> 00:04:56,061 Wow, you really are desperate. 119 00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:57,596 I really am. 120 00:04:57,598 --> 00:05:00,932 Okay, you can stay here for two days. 121 00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:03,101 But I only have one rule. 122 00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:05,137 You can't change anything. 123 00:05:05,139 --> 00:05:06,905 Why would I change anything? 124 00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:08,140 This place is... 125 00:05:09,075 --> 00:05:11,076 Perfect. 126 00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:13,111 Except for the fact that you don't have a tv. 127 00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:14,980 See that wall? 128 00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:22,821 300-inch flat-screen. 129 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,790 They only sell them in japan, but I know a guy. 130 00:05:24,792 --> 00:05:27,092 Had to ship it over in a tugboat 131 00:05:27,094 --> 00:05:29,328 Like freakin' king kong. 132 00:05:29,330 --> 00:05:30,429 It hurts my eyes. 133 00:05:30,431 --> 00:05:32,998 Yeah. That doesn't go away. 134 00:05:34,767 --> 00:05:35,934 Hey. 135 00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:37,002 Hey, where have you been? 136 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,004 The alanis morissette concert. 137 00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,939 By yourself? No, actually I went 138 00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:42,274 With a friend from law school. 139 00:05:42,276 --> 00:05:43,642 Oh, really? 140 00:05:43,644 --> 00:05:45,277 Who's this friend? 141 00:05:45,279 --> 00:05:47,179 Brad. 142 00:05:48,114 --> 00:05:50,849 Bro, alanis morissette rocks! 143 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,284 Totally! I can't believe 144 00:05:52,286 --> 00:05:54,152 I almost didn't come tonight. Let me guess: 145 00:05:54,154 --> 00:05:55,787 You bought the tickets for you and lily 146 00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:56,955 Right before she dumped you. 147 00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:58,190 Yeah, how'd you know? 148 00:05:58,192 --> 00:06:00,158 I just got dumped myself. 149 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:03,028 What, kara broke up with you? 150 00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:05,864 I'm sorry, man. That sucks. 151 00:06:09,168 --> 00:06:10,969 Brad, do you like brunch? 152 00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:12,704 You invited him to brunch? 153 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,873 Yeah, I invited him to brunch. Why, is that weird? 154 00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:16,975 Yes. That's why I was all, 155 00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:18,710 "you invited him to brunch?" 156 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:22,347 Why can't two guys who are friends go to brunch? 157 00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:25,183 Because brunch is kind of... 158 00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:26,718 Girly. 159 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,154 Girly? Breakfast isn't girly. 160 00:06:29,156 --> 00:06:31,390 Lunch isn't girly. What makes brunch girly? 161 00:06:31,392 --> 00:06:32,657 I don't know. 162 00:06:32,659 --> 00:06:34,059 There's nothing girly about a horse. 163 00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:36,161 Nothing girly about a horn, 164 00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:39,698 But put them together and you get a unicorn. 165 00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:41,333 I don't care what either of you say, 166 00:06:41,335 --> 00:06:44,669 I am going to the popover pantry with brad. 167 00:06:44,671 --> 00:06:48,106 We're here. We're hungry. Get used to it, brunch. 168 00:06:52,845 --> 00:06:54,746 Hmm... 169 00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,681 Smells delicious. Thank you. 170 00:06:56,683 --> 00:06:59,518 There was no food in the fridge, so I picked up... 171 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:00,852 What are you doing? 172 00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:02,921 Lily, what was the first rule again? 173 00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,723 Don't change anything? 174 00:07:04,725 --> 00:07:05,857 And what was the second rule? 175 00:07:05,859 --> 00:07:07,225 There was no second rule. 176 00:07:07,227 --> 00:07:08,760 Exactly! There was only one rule 177 00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:10,395 And you broke it. 178 00:07:10,397 --> 00:07:12,431 I bought groceries. 179 00:07:12,433 --> 00:07:13,698 That counts as changing something? 180 00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:15,200 Lily, 181 00:07:15,202 --> 00:07:17,035 If I wanted a fridge full of groceries, 182 00:07:17,037 --> 00:07:18,870 Or fresh coffee in the morning, 183 00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:21,239 I'd be in a relationship. 184 00:07:21,241 --> 00:07:25,710 But I don't want to be in a relationship. 185 00:07:25,712 --> 00:07:27,612 That's why I make it crystal-clear 186 00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,247 To every girl that walks through that door 187 00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:31,616 That this is not a place to leave a toothbrush. 188 00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:34,052 This is not a place to leave a contact lens case. 189 00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:36,555 This is a place to leave. 190 00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:37,722 Come on, I'll give you a tour. 191 00:07:37,724 --> 00:07:39,458 Uh, no flash photography, please. 192 00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:43,128 Bienvenido to the bedroom. 193 00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:44,896 Dig this: King-sized bed, 194 00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:46,898 Full-sized blanket, one pillow. 195 00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:48,400 Everything about this bed says, 196 00:07:48,402 --> 00:07:50,769 "our work here is done." 197 00:07:50,771 --> 00:07:53,472 Next we say bienvenue to the bathroom. 198 00:07:53,474 --> 00:07:56,408 What, only one towel? 199 00:07:56,410 --> 00:07:57,275 What, no hairdryer? 200 00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:58,643 You know where I keep that stuff? 201 00:07:58,645 --> 00:07:59,778 Your place. Beat it. 202 00:07:59,780 --> 00:08:03,482 And the coup de grace... 203 00:08:07,453 --> 00:08:09,554 Yeah, that's right. 204 00:08:10,756 --> 00:08:11,890 Patent-pending. 205 00:08:13,259 --> 00:08:15,093 And wilkommen to the hallway. 206 00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:17,596 While guys like ted and marshall may hide their porn... 207 00:08:17,598 --> 00:08:18,964 Marshall doesn't have porn. 208 00:08:18,966 --> 00:08:20,832 Aww, that's sweet. 209 00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:23,101 While guys like ted and marshall may hide their porn, 210 00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:24,103 I had mine... 211 00:08:24,104 --> 00:08:26,071 Professionally lit. 212 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:30,108 Girls see this, they can't get out of here fast enough. 213 00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:32,511 And if that doesn't drive them away, 214 00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:34,813 There's always your life-sized storm-trooper. 215 00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:36,948 No, that's just awesome. 216 00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:38,116 So you see, 217 00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:39,684 Whenever a girl wakes up here, 218 00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:42,454 I never have to tell her to go build her nest somewhere else. 219 00:08:42,456 --> 00:08:45,016 My apartment does it for me. 220 00:08:45,625 --> 00:08:47,292 God, I love brunch. 221 00:08:47,294 --> 00:08:49,027 Oh, damn... 222 00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:51,463 The zucchini bread is "ridonkulous." 223 00:08:51,465 --> 00:08:53,798 This isn't weird, right? 224 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:55,467 I sort of thought it might be, 225 00:08:55,469 --> 00:08:56,801 But it totally isn't. 226 00:08:56,803 --> 00:08:58,470 And b-t-dub, you totally 227 00:08:58,472 --> 00:09:00,305 Did not oversell the eggs benny. 228 00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:01,373 Right? I mean, 229 00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:03,642 Why can't two single bros 230 00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:05,477 Go out and rock brunch Sunday morning-style? 231 00:09:05,479 --> 00:09:08,880 Exactly. Thank you, that's exactly what I've been saying. 232 00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:10,649 This must be destiny. 233 00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:12,384 What are you talking about? 234 00:09:12,386 --> 00:09:14,886 I have two tickets for mamma mia Friday night. 235 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:15,888 You like abba, right? 236 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,989 : What am I saying? Who doesn't? 237 00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:21,860 Anyway, I was gonna take kara, but now it's all you and me. 238 00:09:21,862 --> 00:09:24,663 We're gonna do broadway, bro style. What do you say? 239 00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:26,765 Yeah! 240 00:09:32,838 --> 00:09:36,575 Hey. Did the cold wake you? 241 00:09:36,577 --> 00:09:39,444 No, I've just been watching you sleep. 242 00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:42,547 Oh, did you try and take a shower? 243 00:09:42,549 --> 00:09:44,182 I'm sorry, I only have one clean towel. 244 00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:45,517 I don't buy into the myth 245 00:09:45,519 --> 00:09:47,619 That we need to shower every day. 246 00:09:48,554 --> 00:09:49,888 Okay. 247 00:09:49,890 --> 00:09:51,222 I'd offer you some coffee, 248 00:09:51,224 --> 00:09:53,525 But I don't have any, so you're gonna have to... 249 00:09:53,527 --> 00:09:54,893 I'm boycotting coffee. 250 00:09:54,895 --> 00:09:57,562 You may as well drink the tears of a colombian peasant farmer. 251 00:09:57,564 --> 00:10:00,899 God, I love this place. 252 00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:02,367 Good thing I don't have a job 253 00:10:02,369 --> 00:10:04,002 Because I could stay here all day. 254 00:10:06,038 --> 00:10:08,373 I think I left something on the bookshelf. 255 00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:12,410 Whoops. Oh, no, oh, look. 256 00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:14,779 Oh, I'm disgusting. 257 00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:16,281 Wow, 258 00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:17,582 You're open about your sexuality 259 00:10:17,584 --> 00:10:19,664 And that's one of the reasons I love you. 260 00:10:20,886 --> 00:10:22,921 Did I just say that? 261 00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:25,290 Oh, well, cat's out of the bag. 262 00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:26,458 I love you. 263 00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:28,960 Whoa, uh... 264 00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:31,396 Okay, beep, beep. Backing up, um... 265 00:10:31,398 --> 00:10:33,298 Hi, barney. Oh... 266 00:10:34,233 --> 00:10:35,467 Oh, my god. 267 00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:37,068 Are you married? Is this your wife? 268 00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:38,236 What? No. 269 00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:40,138 Yes! 270 00:10:40,740 --> 00:10:42,507 Yes? Yes. 271 00:10:43,743 --> 00:10:45,110 You son of a bitch! 272 00:10:45,112 --> 00:10:47,912 I can't believe I let you enter my sacred temple. 273 00:10:47,914 --> 00:10:49,948 Come on, baby. Oh, dawn, you can find... 274 00:10:49,950 --> 00:10:52,117 Please, no. Oh, you don't understand. 275 00:10:52,119 --> 00:10:54,119 What have I done? This is the worst. 276 00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:55,401 How could...? 277 00:10:56,122 --> 00:10:58,323 You're not going anywhere. 278 00:11:03,929 --> 00:11:05,096 Wow. 279 00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:06,264 That was close. 280 00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:07,932 That hippie chick wouldn't leave. 281 00:11:07,934 --> 00:11:10,268 She was ready to squat here. 282 00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:11,503 Well, she'd have to 283 00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:13,171 With your spring-loaded toilet seat, wouldn't she? 284 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:16,441 She was freakishly immune to everything in my apartment... 285 00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:18,309 Except you. 286 00:11:18,311 --> 00:11:19,978 You're better than porn. 287 00:11:19,980 --> 00:11:22,313 Thank you? 288 00:11:22,315 --> 00:11:25,016 How would you like to extend your stay here? 289 00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:26,518 All you'd have to do 290 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:27,786 Is pretend to be my wife, 291 00:11:27,788 --> 00:11:29,821 And scare off the occasional one-night stand. 292 00:11:29,823 --> 00:11:31,489 I know, I know. You've got your ethics. 293 00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:33,024 You've got your principles... I'll do it. 294 00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:34,325 Really? 295 00:11:34,327 --> 00:11:36,995 Barney, you've clearly got 296 00:11:36,997 --> 00:11:39,798 Some serious mother issues that have left you 297 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,367 The emotional equivalent of a scavenging sewer rat. 298 00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:43,635 But, in my 299 00:11:43,637 --> 00:11:44,869 Other apartment, I would be living 300 00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:49,007 With an actual scavenging sewer rat, so you win. 301 00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:50,375 I'll take it. 302 00:11:51,510 --> 00:11:53,144 Mamma mia? 303 00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:54,179 Mamma mia. 304 00:11:54,181 --> 00:11:55,046 You know what? 305 00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,048 It's supposed to be 306 00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,348 A great musical, okay? 307 00:11:57,350 --> 00:11:59,050 It won all sorts of tonys and stuff. 308 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:00,318 No, totally. 309 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:03,154 It sounds like a really, really fun, exciting, third date. 310 00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:04,355 Ooh, third date. 311 00:12:04,357 --> 00:12:05,657 You know what that means. 312 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:08,893 It is not a date, okay. 313 00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:11,162 It's just two bros taking in a broadway show. 314 00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:13,231 You bros going to get dinner beforehand? 315 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,066 We might grab a steak, yeah. 316 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,267 Mmm-hmm. Where at? 317 00:12:18,204 --> 00:12:19,637 Cafe I'amour. 318 00:12:21,006 --> 00:12:23,508 Brad says the food is really good there, okay. 319 00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:26,511 Sounds like brad's got quite the night planned out. 320 00:12:26,513 --> 00:12:28,012 You better bring your "a" game. 321 00:12:28,014 --> 00:12:30,181 That means no granny panties. 322 00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:31,416 All right, you know what? 323 00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:32,884 You two are just threatened 324 00:12:32,886 --> 00:12:35,353 Because I'm a single guy moving in on your couples' turf. 325 00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:36,254 Well, guess what? 326 00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,389 It's my territory now. 327 00:12:38,391 --> 00:12:41,693 I'm peeing all over brunches, fancy dinners and musicals. 328 00:12:41,695 --> 00:12:45,029 That's right; brad and I are taking back broadway. 329 00:12:45,031 --> 00:12:46,431 What are you going to wear? 330 00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,032 I was thinking like this collared shirt and these pin... 331 00:12:48,034 --> 00:12:50,468 Oh, you know what? Shut up. 332 00:12:52,204 --> 00:12:54,124 Can you pass the arts and leisure? 333 00:12:59,945 --> 00:13:02,080 Can you pass the arts and leisure? 334 00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:03,882 I just did. 335 00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:04,949 Honey, I'm... 336 00:13:06,051 --> 00:13:09,420 Barney, what the hell is going on here? 337 00:13:09,422 --> 00:13:10,955 Lily, I can explain... 338 00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:12,223 How could you? 339 00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:13,591 In our own home? 340 00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:15,393 You bastard! 341 00:13:15,395 --> 00:13:17,629 I'm so sorry. I-I didn't know he had... Just get out. 342 00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:21,266 This is what I get after I worked as a stripper 343 00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:23,768 For four years to put you through medical school? 344 00:13:23,770 --> 00:13:25,837 I got breast implants for you. 345 00:13:26,405 --> 00:13:27,806 I... 346 00:13:27,808 --> 00:13:29,808 I was just about to turn on the tears. 347 00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,744 Brava. 348 00:13:32,746 --> 00:13:35,580 That was incredible. And that 349 00:13:35,582 --> 00:13:37,081 Slap was genius. 350 00:13:37,083 --> 00:13:38,249 You did not hold back. 351 00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:40,585 Yeah, that I just always wanted to do. 352 00:13:40,587 --> 00:13:42,120 Fair enough. 353 00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:44,122 I have to say, 354 00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:46,791 It's kind of nice having food around here for a change. 355 00:13:46,793 --> 00:13:47,659 You know... 356 00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:49,794 Nah, never mind. 357 00:13:49,796 --> 00:13:50,829 What? 358 00:13:50,831 --> 00:13:53,298 You're my wife. You can tell me anything. 359 00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:56,267 Well, if you really wanted to sell this ruse, 360 00:13:56,269 --> 00:13:59,103 We should try to make this place a little more... 361 00:13:59,105 --> 00:14:00,438 You know, homey. 362 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,607 Like-like a woman would actually live here. 363 00:14:02,609 --> 00:14:04,375 What did you have in mind? 364 00:14:14,119 --> 00:14:17,188 ♪ Bones, bones, brittle little bones ♪ 365 00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:19,457 ♪ It's not the milk you seek 366 00:14:19,459 --> 00:14:22,293 ♪ it's the sun you need 367 00:14:22,295 --> 00:14:27,298 ♪ sugar dumpling, muffin baby 368 00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:31,336 ♪ this world is going crazy 369 00:14:31,338 --> 00:14:33,371 ♪ do-do, do-do 370 00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:35,807 ♪ do-do, do-do 371 00:14:35,809 --> 00:14:38,309 ♪ do-do, do-do, do 372 00:14:38,311 --> 00:14:40,044 La, la, la. 373 00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:42,213 Hey, you're home. 374 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:43,815 I didn't think we'd be seeing you 375 00:14:43,817 --> 00:14:45,216 Until tomorrow morning. Ha, ha, 376 00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:46,938 Ha, ha. It wasn't a date. 377 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:51,723 Okay, it was a date and it got way weird. 378 00:14:54,693 --> 00:14:57,028 Oh, you really don't have to do that. 379 00:14:57,030 --> 00:14:58,229 No, I insist. 380 00:14:58,231 --> 00:14:59,364 You're my guest. 381 00:14:59,366 --> 00:15:01,499 Thanks, brad. 382 00:15:01,501 --> 00:15:03,902 Bro, 383 00:15:03,904 --> 00:15:05,904 You got some chocolate on your chin. 384 00:15:08,874 --> 00:15:10,008 Still there. 385 00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:11,776 I'll get that bad boy. 386 00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:16,748 Whoa. 387 00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:18,516 Well, it could have been worse. 388 00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:21,586 It could have fallen in your lap. 389 00:15:22,388 --> 00:15:24,222 It gets worse. 390 00:15:24,224 --> 00:15:25,723 No, I-I can do it, brad. 391 00:15:25,725 --> 00:15:27,191 Okay, thank you. 392 00:15:27,193 --> 00:15:29,861 So anyway, ah, 393 00:15:29,863 --> 00:15:31,896 It's this Saturday. Do you want to come? 394 00:15:31,898 --> 00:15:36,267 You want me to go to a wedding with you? 395 00:15:37,202 --> 00:15:39,070 Okay, that's not too bad. 396 00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:41,632 Two single guys on the prowl. 397 00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:45,109 Just keep brad away from the bouquet. 398 00:15:45,911 --> 00:15:48,379 It gets worse. 399 00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:49,714 It gets better. 400 00:15:49,716 --> 00:15:52,951 In vermont this time of year is ridonk. 401 00:15:52,953 --> 00:15:54,285 Vermont? 402 00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:56,621 Yeah, the wedding's at this awesome b&b. 403 00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,890 Kara and I used to go there. 404 00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:00,091 Anyway, 405 00:16:00,093 --> 00:16:02,093 There is one room left, and we got it. 406 00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:04,128 Walt whitman suite, bro. 407 00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:10,101 You said no, right? 408 00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:11,803 Of course. 409 00:16:11,805 --> 00:16:12,937 I understand. 410 00:16:12,939 --> 00:16:14,973 It's cool. 411 00:16:14,975 --> 00:16:17,475 It's the first time I was going to see my college friends 412 00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:18,977 Since kara left me. 413 00:16:18,979 --> 00:16:20,578 I just... 414 00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:24,482 I just miss her so much. 415 00:16:27,419 --> 00:16:30,254 I'll go to vermont with you. 416 00:16:30,256 --> 00:16:32,824 That's great! 417 00:16:34,093 --> 00:16:35,827 You know, uh, they're registered at pottery barn. 418 00:16:35,829 --> 00:16:38,563 I figure we could go halfsies on a gravy boat. 419 00:16:42,801 --> 00:16:44,135 I'm sorry. 420 00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:45,603 It's not funny anymore. 421 00:16:45,605 --> 00:16:47,872 Damn you, brunch! 422 00:16:48,807 --> 00:16:50,274 This guy's crazy, right? 423 00:16:50,276 --> 00:16:52,443 Look, I don't think he's crazy. 424 00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:53,778 I just think he's suffering 425 00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:55,780 From a severe case of girlfriend withdrawal. 426 00:16:55,782 --> 00:16:59,017 And unfortunately, you're his nicotine patch. 427 00:16:59,019 --> 00:17:00,651 And now you have to do 428 00:17:00,653 --> 00:17:02,286 What every dysfunctional couple has to do: 429 00:17:02,288 --> 00:17:04,022 Break up. 430 00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:04,956 You're right. You're right. 431 00:17:04,958 --> 00:17:05,990 I promised brad I would go 432 00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:07,625 To the wedding with him, and then that is it. 433 00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:09,060 Good man. 434 00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:12,797 Oh, I think we made the right decision 435 00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:14,966 Going for the custom-made italian sheets. Hey, 436 00:17:14,968 --> 00:17:16,300 If my bed's going suit up, 437 00:17:16,302 --> 00:17:17,702 It's going to do it right. 438 00:17:18,637 --> 00:17:19,871 Want to give it a whirl? 439 00:17:20,806 --> 00:17:22,140 Oh. 440 00:17:23,343 --> 00:17:26,644 All right, I'm going to head out, hit the bars. 441 00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:28,012 What are you going to do 442 00:17:28,014 --> 00:17:30,314 Tonight? Oh, I was just going to watch letterman 443 00:17:30,316 --> 00:17:32,316 But, god this bed is so comfy. 444 00:17:32,318 --> 00:17:34,252 I wish you had a tv in here. 445 00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:40,158 Okay, seriously, 446 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,026 What do you do for a living? 447 00:17:42,028 --> 00:17:43,728 Please. 448 00:17:47,032 --> 00:17:48,399 I thought you were going out. 449 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:49,401 Eh. 450 00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:51,069 After the monologue. 451 00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:55,740 The next morning, as the sun rose over manhattan, 452 00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:57,408 Your uncle marshall headed over to brad's apartment 453 00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:58,876 To leave for the wedding in vermont. 454 00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:00,578 But when he got there... 455 00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,046 No. 456 00:18:02,048 --> 00:18:04,148 No... 457 00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:08,019 No. 458 00:18:08,021 --> 00:18:09,420 No! 459 00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:11,622 No. 460 00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:17,095 Ted. 461 00:18:17,097 --> 00:18:19,897 Um, brad got me flowers. 462 00:18:19,899 --> 00:18:21,365 Hold on. 463 00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:24,068 Brad got him flowers. 464 00:18:24,070 --> 00:18:25,570 I'm sorry. 465 00:18:25,572 --> 00:18:28,272 It just got funny again. 466 00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:32,710 Oh, hey... No, brad, uh, 467 00:18:32,712 --> 00:18:35,046 I don't want to hear it. I do like you. 468 00:18:35,048 --> 00:18:36,547 And calla lilies are my favorite flower. 469 00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,049 I don't know how you knew that. 470 00:18:38,051 --> 00:18:41,219 I guess you just get me, but this is not cool, man. 471 00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:42,887 I can't believe that you would... Hey, sweetie. 472 00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:44,122 Hey. 473 00:18:46,558 --> 00:18:48,426 Aww. 474 00:18:48,428 --> 00:18:50,094 Hey, marshall. 475 00:18:50,096 --> 00:18:51,462 Hi, kara. 476 00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:54,765 So you guys, are like, back together now? Yeah. 477 00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:56,334 Happened last night. 478 00:18:59,238 --> 00:19:00,571 Uh, I'm sorry, bro. 479 00:19:00,573 --> 00:19:01,606 I should have called you. 480 00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:02,907 Yeah, you should have. 481 00:19:02,909 --> 00:19:05,029 Well, I didn't mean to hurt... Don't, brad. 482 00:19:06,745 --> 00:19:08,913 Just don't. 483 00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:12,750 ♪ There was something in the air that night ♪ 484 00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:14,919 ♪ The stars went bright... 485 00:19:14,921 --> 00:19:17,088 Oh, what was with him? 486 00:19:17,090 --> 00:19:19,757 I don't know. 487 00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:22,059 I think he's in love with me. 488 00:19:23,762 --> 00:19:26,364 ♪ Fernando... 489 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,107 I can't believe we just... 490 00:19:36,109 --> 00:19:38,309 You and I... What have we done? Nothing. 491 00:19:38,311 --> 00:19:39,343 Nothing happened. 492 00:19:39,345 --> 00:19:42,113 We-we just went to sleep. 493 00:19:42,115 --> 00:19:43,281 Just went to sleep? 494 00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:45,116 I don't sleep in the same bed as a woman 495 00:19:45,118 --> 00:19:46,184 And not make a move. 496 00:19:46,186 --> 00:19:49,120 How could... You. 497 00:19:49,122 --> 00:19:52,456 You spooned me against my will. 498 00:19:52,458 --> 00:19:54,825 Hey, it takes two to cuddle. 499 00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:56,027 We... 500 00:19:57,996 --> 00:19:58,963 We... 501 00:19:58,965 --> 00:20:01,199 We redecorated my place. 502 00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:03,668 We stayed in 503 00:20:03,670 --> 00:20:05,002 On a Friday night 504 00:20:05,004 --> 00:20:06,004 To watch letterman, 505 00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:08,306 And then slept together and didn't have sex? 506 00:20:08,308 --> 00:20:11,709 Oh, my god, we're in a relationship. 507 00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:14,712 That's what you think a relationship is? 508 00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,647 You were supposed to be the vaccine, 509 00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:18,549 But you gave me the disease. 510 00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:20,518 You gotta go. 511 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:21,520 Barney. 512 00:20:22,821 --> 00:20:24,488 I don't think you're mad at me. 513 00:20:24,490 --> 00:20:26,390 You're mad at yourself. 514 00:20:27,693 --> 00:20:29,994 You let down your guard, and let someone into your life, 515 00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:32,797 And-and it actually felt okay. 516 00:20:33,865 --> 00:20:36,200 And that terrifies you. 517 00:20:36,202 --> 00:20:37,702 Uh-huh. 518 00:20:37,704 --> 00:20:39,170 You gotta go. 519 00:20:39,172 --> 00:20:41,205 Hey, you can't just kick me out! 520 00:20:41,207 --> 00:20:43,040 I put a lot of work into this place, 521 00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:46,010 And I've grown accustomed to a certain standard of living. 522 00:20:46,012 --> 00:20:47,878 A certain standard of living? 523 00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:49,080 You didn't pay a single... Yeah... 524 00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:51,015 And so mr. And mrs. Stinson, 525 00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:53,551 After two weeks of marriage, decided to call it quits. 526 00:20:53,553 --> 00:20:55,586 Fortunately, they reached a settlement. 527 00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:57,188 And that's the story 528 00:20:57,190 --> 00:20:59,657 Of how aunt lily furnished her apartment. 529 00:21:04,196 --> 00:21:06,731 Marshall ran into brad again some time later. 530 00:21:06,733 --> 00:21:08,699 Oh, my god, it's brad. 531 00:21:08,701 --> 00:21:10,368 Laugh like I said something really funny. 532 00:21:10,370 --> 00:21:11,769 Right, right. That's was great. 533 00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:13,204 Hey, marshall. 534 00:21:13,206 --> 00:21:15,039 Oh, hey, hey, how's it going? 535 00:21:15,041 --> 00:21:17,208 It's good. Hey, I'm, uh... 536 00:21:17,210 --> 00:21:19,043 Yeah, I know who you are. 537 00:21:19,045 --> 00:21:21,879 Well, I got to go. I got this thing. 538 00:21:21,881 --> 00:21:23,447 Yeah, me, too, but more important. 539 00:21:23,449 --> 00:21:25,549 So, I guess I'll see you around. 540 00:21:25,551 --> 00:21:27,018 Sure. Sure. 541 00:21:30,889 --> 00:21:32,556 Even if you don't believe it, 542 00:21:32,558 --> 00:21:35,626 Tell me he looks fat. Totally looks fat.