1 00:00:01,601 --> 00:00:04,870 Ted: Kids, one of the things you'll learn about relationships 2 00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:07,206 Is that you're never done getting to know someone. 3 00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:08,974 Everyone has secrets. 4 00:00:08,976 --> 00:00:10,209 Some are nice. 5 00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:12,771 You know how to make crepes? 6 00:00:12,946 --> 00:00:15,180 That is so cool. Mm. 7 00:00:16,516 --> 00:00:18,317 Some aren't as nice. 8 00:00:18,319 --> 00:00:21,020 And then there was derek, and counting you, 9 00:00:21,022 --> 00:00:23,288 That puts the total up to... Oh, I got your total. 10 00:00:23,290 --> 00:00:26,225 I've been counting along. 11 00:00:26,227 --> 00:00:29,361 And some are just weird. 12 00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:31,864 You're scared of the seven dwarfs? 13 00:00:31,866 --> 00:00:33,332 Just doc. He's creepy. 14 00:00:33,334 --> 00:00:35,300 I mean the guy went to medical school. 15 00:00:35,302 --> 00:00:38,103 What's he doing living with six coal miners? 16 00:00:38,639 --> 00:00:41,540 I couldn't sleep last night. I bet you guys couldn't either. 17 00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:42,542 Why? Uh... 18 00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:43,709 Only the gala event 19 00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:46,245 For the grand opening of sharper image's 500th store. 20 00:00:46,247 --> 00:00:47,212 Didn't you get my e-mail? 21 00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:48,647 No, I blocked your address 22 00:00:48,649 --> 00:00:50,416 After the fourth time you sent me the video 23 00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:52,885 Of the monkey sniffing his own butt. 24 00:00:52,887 --> 00:00:54,219 Come on! It's on me. 25 00:00:54,221 --> 00:00:55,487 I'm buying three of you foot massagers 26 00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:57,156 And one of you a nose hair trimmer. 27 00:00:57,158 --> 00:00:58,323 You know who you are. 28 00:00:58,325 --> 00:00:59,325 Come on, 29 00:00:59,326 --> 00:01:00,025 Let's go! 30 00:01:00,027 --> 00:01:00,893 Okay, I'm in. 31 00:01:00,895 --> 00:01:02,161 To the willowbrook mall! 32 00:01:02,163 --> 00:01:03,562 Guys: To the willowbrook mall. Oh, it's 33 00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:04,630 At a mall? 34 00:01:05,432 --> 00:01:06,432 I'm not going. 35 00:01:06,434 --> 00:01:07,166 What? Why not? 36 00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:08,434 I just don't feel like 37 00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:09,501 Going to a mall. 38 00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:11,403 We can split a cinnabon. 39 00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:13,105 No, I'm really not going to go. 40 00:01:13,107 --> 00:01:14,173 Come on, it'll be fun. 41 00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:15,741 No, I don't go to malls! 42 00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:20,279 Sorry, I just don't like malls. 43 00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:21,880 Why not? 44 00:01:21,882 --> 00:01:24,383 I'd rather not say. 45 00:01:24,385 --> 00:01:26,518 Sharper images. But that's where clothes live. 46 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:28,687 Guys, guys, guys, robin doesn't like malls. 47 00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:30,722 If she doesn't want to tell us why, she doesn't have to. 48 00:01:30,724 --> 00:01:31,890 I think we should all 49 00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:33,559 Just respect her privacy. 50 00:01:33,561 --> 00:01:34,960 Thanks, ted. 51 00:01:34,962 --> 00:01:36,462 So, what's the deal with you and malls? 52 00:01:36,464 --> 00:01:38,263 I thought you said that, if I didn't 53 00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:40,032 Want to talk about it, I didn't have to. 54 00:01:40,034 --> 00:01:41,266 Yeah, with those people. 55 00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:43,368 But I'm your boyfriend. Come on. What is it? 56 00:01:43,370 --> 00:01:44,870 Did you get arrested at a mall? 57 00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:45,704 No. 58 00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:47,406 Dumped at a mall? Ted. 59 00:01:47,408 --> 00:01:48,941 Found out you were canadian at a mall? 60 00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:51,310 Let it go. Trapped under a fake boulder 61 00:01:51,312 --> 00:01:53,212 At a mall? Let it go. 62 00:01:53,214 --> 00:01:54,613 Mauled at the mall? 63 00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:56,115 Let it go! 64 00:01:56,117 --> 00:01:57,449 And who gets trapped 65 00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,718 Under a fake boulder at the mall? 66 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:02,921 Not me in ohio when I was nine, 67 00:02:02,923 --> 00:02:04,656 That's for sure. 68 00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:14,680 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 69 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:23,642 Why won't robin tell me why she hates malls? 70 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:26,078 Ted, you should be happy robin has a secret. 71 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:27,946 The more you learn about a person, 72 00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:29,314 The better chance you have of hitting 73 00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:30,582 The fatal "oh" moment. 74 00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:34,753 Yeah, that moment when you find out that one detail 75 00:02:34,755 --> 00:02:37,689 About a person that is going to be a deal breaker. 76 00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:39,658 It's a promise ring. 77 00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:42,761 I made a pact with god to stay a virgin till I'm married. 78 00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:45,430 Oh. 79 00:02:45,432 --> 00:02:47,266 I don't have an eating disorder. 80 00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:49,334 It's just when I put food in my mouth, 81 00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:51,503 I chew it, and then I spit it out. 82 00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,639 Oh. 83 00:02:53,641 --> 00:02:57,042 I just turned 30. Oh. 84 00:02:57,044 --> 00:02:58,610 So trust me, 85 00:02:58,612 --> 00:03:01,346 You want to postpone knowing anything about each other 86 00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:03,382 For as long as possible. Mm. I disagree. 87 00:03:03,384 --> 00:03:05,117 If there is some potential "oh" moment, 88 00:03:05,119 --> 00:03:07,219 I want to know about it right away. 89 00:03:07,221 --> 00:03:08,487 I mean, what's the alternative? 90 00:03:08,489 --> 00:03:11,623 I now pronounce you, man and wife. 91 00:03:14,227 --> 00:03:15,661 I love you. 92 00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:18,463 I used to be a dude. 93 00:03:19,799 --> 00:03:21,366 Yeah, I agree with ted. 94 00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:24,136 In a real relationship, you share everything. 95 00:03:24,138 --> 00:03:26,872 That's why marshall and I don't keep any secrets. 96 00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:28,407 You are such a cutie pie. 97 00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:30,742 Here's a quarter. Go play a song on the jukebox. 98 00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:33,145 They tell each other everything. 99 00:03:33,147 --> 00:03:35,080 I can think of tons of things, 100 00:03:35,082 --> 00:03:36,481 There's no way marshall's told you. 101 00:03:36,483 --> 00:03:38,550 Try me. 102 00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,686 Do you know about the time marshall was in trenton? 103 00:03:40,688 --> 00:03:42,554 Donkey ate his pants. Yup. 104 00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:44,056 Bill's bachelor party in memphis? 105 00:03:44,058 --> 00:03:45,490 Oh, when they had to pump out 106 00:03:45,492 --> 00:03:47,059 All the nickels from his stomach? 107 00:03:47,061 --> 00:03:49,061 Wow. Okay. Seattle. 108 00:03:49,063 --> 00:03:50,162 Trick question. 109 00:03:50,164 --> 00:03:52,030 Marshall's never been to the pacific northwest 110 00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:53,999 Because he's afraid of sasquatch. 111 00:03:54,001 --> 00:03:55,434 Damn. 112 00:03:55,436 --> 00:03:57,035 I'm not afraid of sasquatch, 113 00:03:57,037 --> 00:03:59,738 I just think we should all be on alert. 114 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:02,541 Not only do they tell each other everything, 115 00:04:02,543 --> 00:04:04,509 They want to know everything. 116 00:04:04,511 --> 00:04:06,411 So after the shower I was brushing my teeth. 117 00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:07,579 And I was like, "oh, man!" 118 00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:09,047 I wanted to have some orange juice. 119 00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:10,382 "I should have done that first." 120 00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:11,850 But I already had the toothpaste on the toothbrush. 121 00:04:11,852 --> 00:04:14,019 So I just went ahead and brushed them anyway. 122 00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:16,421 What happened next? 123 00:04:18,758 --> 00:04:21,026 Yeah, meanwhile, robin tells me nothing. 124 00:04:21,028 --> 00:04:22,194 Fine. 125 00:04:22,196 --> 00:04:24,463 Do you want to know what robin's secret is? 126 00:04:24,465 --> 00:04:25,631 You know? 127 00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:26,798 Of course I know. 128 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:30,369 Her face got flushed... That's shame, my friend. 129 00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:34,873 Our friend robin used to do porn, wait for it... 130 00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:36,642 Ography. 131 00:04:36,644 --> 00:04:39,411 Yeah, we didn't really need to wait for that. 132 00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:41,446 And it's ridiculous. 133 00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:43,215 I don't know. He could be right. 134 00:04:43,217 --> 00:04:45,817 She does have the fake orgasm noises down. 135 00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:46,885 Hey! 136 00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:48,153 What? The walls are thin. 137 00:04:48,155 --> 00:04:50,989 That's not what I'm "hey" ing you about. 138 00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:52,424 You know what it might be? 139 00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:53,592 This is going to sound 140 00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:56,628 A little crazy but what if robin is married? 141 00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:57,596 Married? 142 00:04:57,598 --> 00:04:59,464 What does that have to do with the mall? 143 00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:01,900 Well, maybe she got married at the mall. 144 00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:05,237 A ton of people get married at the mall of america. 145 00:05:05,239 --> 00:05:06,738 It's great. 146 00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:08,607 There's this gorgeous indoor golf course for pictures, 147 00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:11,243 Numerous fine dining options, and talk about a reasonable... 148 00:05:11,245 --> 00:05:13,011 We are not getting married at the mall. 149 00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:14,579 Well, just meet with the guy. 150 00:05:14,581 --> 00:05:16,915 She's not married. Robin hates marriage. 151 00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:19,151 Because she already got married. 152 00:05:19,153 --> 00:05:20,752 At the mall. 153 00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:21,754 No, 154 00:05:21,755 --> 00:05:24,256 Because before robin moved to new york, she... 155 00:05:24,258 --> 00:05:26,158 What was she doing? 156 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:27,459 Well, I don't know. 157 00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:30,262 Whenever I ask her about canada, she kind of clams up. 158 00:05:30,264 --> 00:05:32,497 She's a pretty private person. 159 00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:35,100 Except when she's talking about... 160 00:05:35,102 --> 00:05:37,769 Oh, a friend of mine in canada got married way too young 161 00:05:37,771 --> 00:05:40,439 And it really turned her off to marriage. 162 00:05:40,441 --> 00:05:42,274 What do you think of this wedding cake? 163 00:05:42,276 --> 00:05:43,608 Oh, I like it. 164 00:05:43,610 --> 00:05:45,444 Hey, you remember that friend of mine in canada 165 00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:46,611 Who got married way too young? 166 00:05:46,613 --> 00:05:49,948 Her wedding cake was a mrs. Field's giant cookie. 167 00:05:54,787 --> 00:05:56,621 My friend in canada who got married 168 00:05:56,623 --> 00:05:58,957 Way too young, they had to do their vows twice, 169 00:05:58,959 --> 00:05:59,991 Once in french. 170 00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:01,460 They speak french there, too? 171 00:06:01,462 --> 00:06:03,528 God, that place is a mess. 172 00:06:04,664 --> 00:06:07,833 So you don't think there's any "friend" from canada? 173 00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:09,000 Oh, I'm sure there is. 174 00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:10,168 Just like I have a "friend" 175 00:06:10,170 --> 00:06:11,803 Who wet his bed till he was ten. 176 00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:14,106 Use your brain, ted. 177 00:06:16,509 --> 00:06:18,210 Guys, there's no way robin is married. 178 00:06:18,212 --> 00:06:20,078 It's ludicrous to even suggest it. 179 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,013 Thank you, barney. 'cause it's porn. 180 00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:23,915 I need another beer. 181 00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:25,684 Robin was not in porn. 182 00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:27,185 I bet you anything that she's married. 183 00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:28,920 $20,000 says it's porn. 184 00:06:28,922 --> 00:06:29,988 I don't have $20,000. 185 00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:31,390 Well, then what do you have? 186 00:06:33,092 --> 00:06:34,826 Well... No. 187 00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:36,561 I've got it. 188 00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:39,164 The ultimate wager... Slap bet. 189 00:06:39,166 --> 00:06:41,666 Oh, slap bet. We used to do those when I was a kid. 190 00:06:41,668 --> 00:06:44,336 Whoever is right gets to slap the other person 191 00:06:44,338 --> 00:06:46,004 In the face as hard as they possibly can... 192 00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:46,772 But no rings. 193 00:06:46,774 --> 00:06:48,907 Are you really going to do that? 194 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,842 That's so immature. You can be slap bet commissioner. 195 00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:52,744 Ooh, I love it. What are my powers? 196 00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:54,946 Um, if a problem arises and we need a ruling, 197 00:06:54,948 --> 00:06:56,114 That's your job. But... 198 00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:57,516 You have to be unbiased 199 00:06:57,518 --> 00:07:00,452 And put the integrity of slap bet above all else. 200 00:07:00,454 --> 00:07:03,588 This is an honor you will take with you to your grave. 201 00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,023 On your tombstone, it will read, 202 00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:08,427 "lily aldrin, caring wife, loving friend, 203 00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:10,695 Slap bet commissioner." 204 00:07:10,697 --> 00:07:12,631 And your tombstone will read 205 00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:15,500 "got slapped by marshall, so hard he died." 206 00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:20,705 What if I just ask robin point blank if she has a husband? 207 00:07:20,707 --> 00:07:23,275 You said you would respect her privacy, 208 00:07:23,277 --> 00:07:25,577 So maybe you should just drop it. 209 00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:27,479 Yeah, you're right. 210 00:07:29,148 --> 00:07:31,950 Husband. 211 00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,785 There's no "p" in husband. 212 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:37,155 Wow, you seem to know a lot about husbands. 213 00:07:37,157 --> 00:07:39,591 Fine. I'll take it back. 214 00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:41,493 Oh, hey, since you mentioned husbands, 215 00:07:41,495 --> 00:07:42,994 This is great, you're going to love this. 216 00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:44,796 Marshall, you know marshall. He thinks that the reason 217 00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,765 You didn't want to go to the mall the other day 218 00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:48,733 Is because you got married at a mall 219 00:07:48,735 --> 00:07:50,902 And have a husband in canada. 220 00:07:50,904 --> 00:07:52,137 Huh. 221 00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:54,739 I told him he's crazy. Because he's crazy, right? 222 00:07:54,741 --> 00:07:56,908 I mean, how crazy is that? 223 00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:59,578 Are you asking me if I'm married? 224 00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:00,580 Well, you can ask me. 225 00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:02,914 Nope, I'm not married. Your turn. 226 00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:04,950 What happened to respecting my privacy? 227 00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:07,519 Look, just say, "no, I'm not married." 228 00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:09,588 Ted, I don't understand why you can't... just 229 00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:12,090 Say, "no, I'm not married." 230 00:08:12,092 --> 00:08:13,158 I can't. 231 00:08:14,093 --> 00:08:15,827 Marshall's right. 232 00:08:16,762 --> 00:08:20,599 I was young and I got married. 233 00:08:20,601 --> 00:08:23,268 It was a mistake and he moved away, but... Yeah. 234 00:08:23,270 --> 00:08:26,104 I'm married. 235 00:08:27,039 --> 00:08:29,174 Oh. 236 00:08:34,113 --> 00:08:35,614 You have a husband? 237 00:08:35,616 --> 00:08:37,682 I was young and stupid 238 00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:40,886 And we got married at a mall and we broke up at a mall 239 00:08:40,888 --> 00:08:43,622 And I... I haven't been to a mall since. 240 00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:44,990 Why didn't you get divorced? 241 00:08:44,992 --> 00:08:47,325 He moved to hong kong for work and I was like... 242 00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:48,460 Eh, good enough. 243 00:08:48,462 --> 00:08:50,962 Good enough? That's not good enough. 244 00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:54,332 You order pancakes, you get waffles, that's good enough. 245 00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:57,168 Look, I haven't seen him in years. 246 00:08:57,170 --> 00:08:58,336 It's just 247 00:08:58,338 --> 00:08:59,971 A part of my life I want to forget. 248 00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:03,742 Just please don't tell anyone about this. 249 00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:06,745 Okay. 250 00:09:09,081 --> 00:09:12,517 Dude, your hand is monstrous. Yeah, well, 251 00:09:12,519 --> 00:09:14,559 What'd you expect? You've seen my penis. 252 00:09:15,988 --> 00:09:19,024 I can't believe you told us robin's secret. 253 00:09:19,026 --> 00:09:21,359 How could I keep something like that to myself? 254 00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:23,161 And you begged me to tell you. 255 00:09:23,163 --> 00:09:24,229 No, I didn't. 256 00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:27,265 Just tell us. I'm begging you. 257 00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:28,767 Tell us. Tell us. Tell us. 258 00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:30,502 Please please please please please please... fine. 259 00:09:30,504 --> 00:09:31,903 Robin's married. 260 00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:36,341 Yeah, well, you still shouldn't have told us. 261 00:09:36,343 --> 00:09:38,076 I mean, what kind of boyfriend are you? 262 00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:40,111 See that's just it, I'm not the boyfriend. 263 00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:43,014 I'm the mistress. No, not the mistress. 264 00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:44,449 The mastress. 265 00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:45,717 The master. What do you call it? 266 00:09:45,719 --> 00:09:48,753 Uh, pretty sure we're going to call it mistress. 267 00:09:49,689 --> 00:09:52,290 What am I going to do? My girlfriend's married. 268 00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:54,192 Do I ask her to get a divorce? 269 00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:56,928 Ted, even if she is married, it's a canadian marriage. 270 00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:59,130 It's like their money, or their army. 271 00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:01,132 Nobody takes it seriously. 272 00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:02,534 It's serious to me. 273 00:10:02,536 --> 00:10:03,902 You know what, in some countries, 274 00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:05,704 If you been separated for longer than five years, 275 00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:07,038 Technically, you're no longer married. 276 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:09,874 I can check it out at the law library at school. 277 00:10:11,644 --> 00:10:14,746 I can see my hand print on your face. 278 00:10:14,748 --> 00:10:17,215 Don't get too cocky, slappy. 279 00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:19,284 A shipment of porn from canada 280 00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:22,287 I won the bet. Why are you still searching? 281 00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:24,055 Just because you were right doesn't mean I'm wrong. 282 00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:27,926 Oh, right, like you need an excuse to watch porn. 283 00:10:27,928 --> 00:10:29,294 Canadian porn. 284 00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:32,330 Trust me when I tell you their universal health care system 285 00:10:32,332 --> 00:10:34,332 Doesn't cover breast implants. 286 00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:37,802 If I have to sit through one more flat-chested nova scotian 287 00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:40,238 Riding a mountie on the back of a zamboni 288 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:43,074 I'll go oot of my mind. 289 00:10:45,444 --> 00:10:47,779 Hey. Hey. 290 00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:50,148 Listen, dude, I got to talk to you, 291 00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:52,517 But you got to promise me that you won't tell barney. 292 00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:53,918 Fine, I won't tell barney. 293 00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:55,020 What is it? 294 00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:58,089 Robin's not married. 295 00:10:58,091 --> 00:10:59,091 What? 296 00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:00,358 Why would she tell me she was? 297 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,927 I don't know, but I cross- checked every record in canada. 298 00:11:02,929 --> 00:11:04,596 There's no record of her ever being married. 299 00:11:04,598 --> 00:11:05,697 There must be some mistake. 300 00:11:05,699 --> 00:11:07,599 I promise you. She's not married. 301 00:11:07,601 --> 00:11:10,268 She's not great at parking legally either. 302 00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:12,470 So she lied to me? Wha... 303 00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:13,705 What am I going to do? 304 00:11:13,707 --> 00:11:15,607 I-I can't confront her, 'cause then 305 00:11:15,609 --> 00:11:16,775 She'll know I told you. 306 00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:19,144 You got to lawyer her. 307 00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:20,812 You got to ask her a bunch of questions, 308 00:11:20,814 --> 00:11:22,614 Try to trip her up, maybe make her feel guilty, 309 00:11:22,616 --> 00:11:24,949 Whatever it takes to get a confession out of her. 310 00:11:26,152 --> 00:11:28,119 Thanks for telling me your secret. 311 00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:30,889 It means so much to me, that you could be so... 312 00:11:30,891 --> 00:11:34,059 God, what's the word I'm looking for? Honest. 313 00:11:34,061 --> 00:11:35,126 Mm, thanks, ted. 314 00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:36,695 Yeah. You know what's probably 315 00:11:36,697 --> 00:11:38,129 The best part about your honesty? 316 00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:40,231 How truthful it is. 317 00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:42,467 I say we just move on. 318 00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:44,369 Well, for me to get total closure 319 00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:47,238 On this whole "my girlfriend has a husband" thing, 320 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:48,506 I think I might need 321 00:11:48,508 --> 00:11:49,507 A little bit more information, 322 00:11:49,509 --> 00:11:50,975 Like what month did you get married? 323 00:11:50,977 --> 00:11:51,710 June. 324 00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:53,478 We had a June wedding. 325 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,313 Ah, canada in June. 326 00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:56,481 That's the dream. 327 00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:57,682 Mm-hmm. 328 00:11:57,684 --> 00:11:59,818 Sit-down or buffet? 329 00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:01,219 Um... Well, it's... 330 00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:03,688 Weird that you don't remember. 331 00:12:03,690 --> 00:12:05,857 No, I just didn't know how to answer 332 00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:08,827 Because we did butlered hors d'oeuvres in the atrium, 333 00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:11,529 But the actual dinner was a buffet in the food court 334 00:12:11,531 --> 00:12:12,664 Featuring a filet mignon 335 00:12:12,666 --> 00:12:15,500 Or a roasted potato-crusted salmon 336 00:12:15,502 --> 00:12:17,902 With a lobster scallion beurre blanc. 337 00:12:18,537 --> 00:12:21,072 Hmm. 338 00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:22,173 Band or dj? 339 00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:24,509 A string quartet played at the ceremony, 340 00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:27,679 But for the actual reception, we had a seven-piece band. 341 00:12:27,681 --> 00:12:29,547 We paid extra for the sax 342 00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:32,784 'cause I just love that smooth alto sound. 343 00:12:32,786 --> 00:12:33,852 How many bridesmaids? 344 00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:35,553 Seven. Flowers? 345 00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:36,621 Azaleas. Color scheme? 346 00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:38,556 Dusty rose and sienna. 347 00:12:38,558 --> 00:12:41,292 Husband's name. 348 00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:42,294 Um... 349 00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:43,728 You were never married! 350 00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:44,696 Yes, I was. 351 00:12:44,698 --> 00:12:46,698 No, you weren't. How do you know? 352 00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:47,699 I looked it up at the library. 353 00:12:47,701 --> 00:12:48,733 What library? 354 00:12:48,735 --> 00:12:51,402 The one on fifth. 355 00:12:51,404 --> 00:12:52,637 When did you go? 356 00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:53,705 Today at lunch, and I had 357 00:12:53,707 --> 00:12:54,873 An apple brie panini with potato salad... 358 00:12:54,875 --> 00:12:57,609 I'm not questioning the lunch part, ted. 359 00:12:57,611 --> 00:12:59,310 What database did you use? 360 00:12:59,312 --> 00:13:03,948 I used the canadian mall marriage 6000. 361 00:13:04,750 --> 00:13:06,918 Fine, marshall looked it up at school. 362 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:08,887 You told marshall?! You lied to me! 363 00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:10,655 See, this is why I don't tell people secrets. 364 00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:11,589 You were supposed to be 365 00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:12,891 The one person I trusted 366 00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:15,560 The most and even you couldn't keep a secret. 367 00:13:15,562 --> 00:13:16,728 But it was a fake secret. 368 00:13:16,730 --> 00:13:18,563 Yeah, I was testing you and you failed. 369 00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:21,266 And now you're never gonna know why I don't go to the mall. 370 00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:22,834 And it's good, too. 371 00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:24,402 You were testing me? 372 00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:25,470 That's insane. Oh, yeah? 373 00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:27,071 How long did it take for you 374 00:13:27,073 --> 00:13:29,140 To tell marshall my biggest secret in the world? 375 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,408 Five minutes? 376 00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:33,011 That wasn't a real secret! Yeah, but it could have been. 377 00:13:33,013 --> 00:13:34,913 You are driving me crazy! 378 00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:36,748 No wonder your fake husband moved to hong kong. 379 00:13:36,750 --> 00:13:39,217 He moved there for business. 380 00:13:40,753 --> 00:13:41,786 You. 381 00:13:41,788 --> 00:13:43,021 You got something to say to me? 382 00:13:43,023 --> 00:13:45,023 What are you talking about? 383 00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:47,859 I know robin was never really married. 384 00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:51,095 How could you possibly know that? 385 00:13:55,134 --> 00:13:58,469 And then I put on my pajamas and got into bed. 386 00:13:58,471 --> 00:14:03,775 Oh, let's see, uh, first I took the subway to school. 387 00:14:03,777 --> 00:14:04,777 Then I got a bagel. 388 00:14:04,778 --> 00:14:05,844 Then I went to the library 389 00:14:05,846 --> 00:14:08,279 And found out robin was never married. Crazy. 390 00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:09,180 Then I was hungry again, 391 00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:10,815 So I went down to the vending machine, 392 00:14:10,817 --> 00:14:12,617 But by the time I got down there, 393 00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:13,618 I wasn't even hungry anymore. 394 00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:16,154 You told him? 395 00:14:16,156 --> 00:14:18,790 I had to; I'm slap bet commissioner. 396 00:14:18,792 --> 00:14:20,291 Believe me, 397 00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:22,493 This hurts me more than it's gonna hurt you. 398 00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:23,561 Don't count on it. 399 00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:25,563 I've been practicing on a tree trunk. 400 00:14:26,465 --> 00:14:29,133 Barney gets three slaps. Three? 401 00:14:29,135 --> 00:14:33,137 One because you lied and two for being prematurely slapped. 402 00:14:33,139 --> 00:14:34,305 Three slaps. 403 00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:34,839 But... 404 00:14:39,578 --> 00:14:41,346 Oh, my god. 405 00:14:41,348 --> 00:14:42,513 Are you gonna cry? 406 00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:43,982 No. 407 00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:47,085 You're gonna cry. 408 00:14:47,753 --> 00:14:48,987 I just don't think it's healthy 409 00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:50,688 To keep big secrets in a relationship. 410 00:14:50,690 --> 00:14:53,157 My parents didn't really talk to each other for 30 years 411 00:14:53,159 --> 00:14:54,058 And now they're divorced. 412 00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,860 I have shared more of myself with you 413 00:14:55,862 --> 00:14:57,595 Than I've ever shared with anyone. 414 00:14:57,597 --> 00:15:02,500 For this one secret, which has nothing to do with us, 415 00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:04,135 To just be mine. 416 00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:08,373 So I just got a very interesting phone call. 417 00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:11,743 What are you talking about? I know robin's secret. 418 00:15:11,745 --> 00:15:13,544 What? That's right. 419 00:15:13,546 --> 00:15:15,079 I know your secret, robin. 420 00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:18,583 Or should I say robin sparkles? 421 00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:20,685 How do you know that name? 422 00:15:20,687 --> 00:15:22,887 Because I know the truth, 423 00:15:22,889 --> 00:15:24,956 And I am about to show it to you right now. 424 00:15:24,958 --> 00:15:27,025 Gather 'round, ted, you're gonna want to see this. 425 00:15:27,027 --> 00:15:29,193 Yeah, no, I don't. What? 426 00:15:29,195 --> 00:15:30,695 Robin wants to keep this a secret, 427 00:15:30,697 --> 00:15:33,264 So it's gonna stay a secret. 428 00:15:34,366 --> 00:15:36,034 Yeah, it's not gonna stay a secret. 429 00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:37,568 You see, in my research, 430 00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:40,138 I came upon a certain gentleman in malaysia 431 00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:42,540 Who is in possession of a certain videotape. 432 00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:44,042 He just e-mailed me 433 00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:46,878 That it will be up and running on myspace in about... 434 00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:48,947 Right now. 435 00:15:49,982 --> 00:15:53,584 Robin's world is about to be turned upside-down. 436 00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:54,752 I mean, I'm guessing. 437 00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:55,920 Barney, don't, okay? 438 00:15:55,922 --> 00:15:57,755 Robin, please don't panic. 439 00:15:57,757 --> 00:16:00,425 I'm only gonna show enough to prove to marshall I was right. 440 00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:02,393 No, barney, I said we're not watching this. 441 00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:04,228 No, it's time. 442 00:16:04,230 --> 00:16:06,497 Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do, 443 00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:09,267 There's no point in trying to hide it anymore. 444 00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:12,236 Let's just watch it and be done with it. 445 00:16:12,838 --> 00:16:15,273 Are you as terrified as I am? 446 00:16:15,275 --> 00:16:17,976 I don't want to get slapped again. 447 00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:22,647 I want to stress that I was young. 448 00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,082 Yeah, you were. 449 00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:24,983 And I didn't know any better. 450 00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:26,617 They never do. 451 00:16:26,619 --> 00:16:29,587 And it started out as an innocent modeling job. 452 00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:31,189 It always does. 453 00:16:32,758 --> 00:16:34,258 Please, mr. Johnson. 454 00:16:34,260 --> 00:16:36,361 I'm sorry I was a bad girl. 455 00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:39,197 Please don't give me detention. 456 00:16:39,199 --> 00:16:44,535 Isn't there something I can do to make it up to you? 457 00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:49,440 Oh, my god. 458 00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:51,476 Well, obviously, I've been proven right, 459 00:16:51,478 --> 00:16:54,846 So in the interest of robin's dignity, I won't show anymore. 460 00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:55,848 Plus, it's getting late. 461 00:16:55,849 --> 00:16:57,715 It's already slap o'clock. 462 00:16:59,619 --> 00:17:03,621 Uh, I slap bet marshall that you did porn, so I win. 463 00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:05,123 Porn? I wish it was porn. 464 00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:07,258 It would be less embarrassing. 465 00:17:07,993 --> 00:17:09,794 Robin: I know. 466 00:17:09,796 --> 00:17:11,562 How about I... 467 00:17:11,564 --> 00:17:13,631 Sing you a song? 468 00:17:20,205 --> 00:17:22,573 Let's go to the mall, everybody! 469 00:17:25,144 --> 00:17:27,011 ♪ Come on, jessica 470 00:17:27,013 --> 00:17:28,980 ♪ come on, tori 471 00:17:28,982 --> 00:17:32,050 I was a teenage pop star in canada. 472 00:17:33,385 --> 00:17:34,819 ♪ Put on your jelly bracelets 473 00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:37,021 ♪ and your cool graffiti coat 474 00:17:37,023 --> 00:17:38,823 ♪ at the mall, having fun 475 00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:40,525 ♪ is what it's all aboot 476 00:17:40,527 --> 00:17:44,328 This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. 477 00:17:44,930 --> 00:17:46,030 That's you? 478 00:17:46,032 --> 00:17:48,599 Yes, I had one minor hit. 479 00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:51,936 I had to go all over canada and sing this song in malls. 480 00:17:51,938 --> 00:17:53,504 For a whole year, 481 00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:56,674 I lived off of orange juliuses and wetzel's pretzels. 482 00:17:56,676 --> 00:18:00,411 ♪ Everybody come and play 483 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:05,083 ♪ throw every last care away 484 00:18:08,454 --> 00:18:09,720 ♪ today 485 00:18:09,722 --> 00:18:14,025 If this is the '90s, why does it look like 1986? 486 00:18:14,027 --> 00:18:18,129 The '80s didn't come to canada till, like, '93. 487 00:18:18,797 --> 00:18:20,765 Taking a break from the first 488 00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:22,600 Of many, many viewings, 489 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:23,868 I can't help but notice 490 00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:24,969 That this isn't porn. 491 00:18:24,971 --> 00:18:26,270 And yet, 492 00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:28,539 A slap occurred without the permission 493 00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:29,941 Of the slap bet commissioner. 494 00:18:29,943 --> 00:18:31,209 Looks like somebody suffered 495 00:18:31,211 --> 00:18:34,045 From premature slapulation. 496 00:18:34,047 --> 00:18:35,246 Oh, my god, robin's rapping. 497 00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:36,414 Guys, robin's rapping. 498 00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:38,549 ♪ Went to the mall with a couple of friends ♪ 499 00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:40,384 ♪ I had a whole week's allowance to spend ♪ 500 00:18:40,386 --> 00:18:43,488 Okay, I'm going to give you a choice. 501 00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:45,423 Either ten slaps right now in a row, 502 00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:48,326 Or five slaps that can be doled out 503 00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:51,129 At any point from here to eternity. 504 00:18:51,131 --> 00:18:52,396 Ted and marshall: Ooh... 505 00:18:52,398 --> 00:18:53,398 You go with the ten now. 506 00:18:53,399 --> 00:18:55,299 No way, why get ten when you can get five? 507 00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:57,335 Yeah, but the constant fear of knowing that at any moment, 508 00:18:57,337 --> 00:18:59,237 You could get slapped in the face, would drive you crazy. 509 00:18:59,239 --> 00:19:00,738 I'm going to go with the five for eternity. 510 00:19:00,740 --> 00:19:04,308 Good call. Horrible call. 511 00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:07,512 Relax, dude, I'm just going for my soda, man. 512 00:19:07,514 --> 00:19:08,246 Take it easy. 513 00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:10,148 This is going to be fun. 514 00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:13,751 ♪ Let's go to the mall 515 00:19:13,753 --> 00:19:15,920 ♪ let's go to the mall ♪ 516 00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:17,755 ♪ Today 517 00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:19,624 So, just to be clear, 518 00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:23,828 You wanted everybody to go to the mall today? 519 00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:27,632 Wow, we're going to watch this a lot. 520 00:19:27,634 --> 00:19:30,968 I can't believe I ever wore a bedazzled jean jacket. 521 00:19:30,970 --> 00:19:32,436 Hey, just so you know, 522 00:19:32,438 --> 00:19:35,106 16-year-old me would have been all over you. 523 00:19:35,108 --> 00:19:38,276 You could have been the girlfriend in canada I told everyone I had. 524 00:19:38,278 --> 00:19:41,612 Hey, uh, I'm really sorry I pried this out of you. 525 00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:43,447 I probably should have left it alone. 526 00:19:43,449 --> 00:19:45,783 You know what? 527 00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:48,119 You know me better now. 528 00:19:48,121 --> 00:19:50,221 That feels kind of nice. 529 00:19:52,157 --> 00:19:54,192 All: Aw... 530 00:19:56,795 --> 00:19:57,895 That's one. 531 00:20:03,468 --> 00:20:06,871 ♪ Everybody come and play 532 00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:10,575 ♪ throw every last care away 533 00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:11,409 Wow. 534 00:20:11,411 --> 00:20:13,844 ♪ Let's go to the mall 535 00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:17,815 Did you have to laugh like that every time? 536 00:20:17,817 --> 00:20:19,550 Yes. 537 00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:20,384 Love it. 538 00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:21,552 ♪ There's this boy I like 539 00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:23,254 ♪ met him at the food court 540 00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:24,655 ♪ he's got hair like gretzky 541 00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:27,258 ♪ and he does jumps on his skateboard ♪ 542 00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:29,393 ♪ I hope he asks me out 543 00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:31,028 ♪ take me to my favorite spot 544 00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:32,563 ♪ it'll be just him and me 545 00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:35,333 Robotic voice: ♪ but don't forget the robot 546 00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:39,537 The robot. Hey! 547 00:20:39,539 --> 00:20:41,872 ♪ But, baby, I don't want to wait ♪ 548 00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:43,174 ♪ Let's do it 549 00:20:43,176 --> 00:20:45,343 No, she doesn't want to wait. 550 00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:47,278 ♪ I'm gonna rock your body anyway ♪ 551 00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:51,282 ♪ I'm gonna rock your body till canada day ♪ 552 00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:55,253 ♪ Everybody come and play 553 00:20:55,255 --> 00:20:59,257 ♪ throw every last care away 554 00:20:59,259 --> 00:21:02,460 ♪ let's go to the mall 555 00:21:02,462 --> 00:21:07,365 ♪ today, today, today, today 556 00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:09,033 ♪ let's go to the mall 557 00:21:09,035 --> 00:21:11,369 ♪ let's go to the ma-a-all 558 00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:13,571 ♪ let's go to the mall 559 00:21:13,573 --> 00:21:15,439 ♪ let's go to the ma-a-all 560 00:21:15,441 --> 00:21:17,208 ♪ let's go to the mall 561 00:21:17,210 --> 00:21:19,543 ♪ let's go to the ma-a-all 562 00:21:19,545 --> 00:21:20,978 ♪ let's go to the mall 563 00:21:20,980 --> 00:21:23,381 ♪ let's go to the ma-a-all 564 00:21:23,383 --> 00:21:25,549 ♪ let's go to the mall 565 00:21:25,551 --> 00:21:27,885 ♪ let's go to the ma-a-all 566 00:21:27,887 --> 00:21:29,553 ♪ let's go to the mall 567 00:21:29,555 --> 00:21:31,722 ♪ let's go to the ma-a-all 568 00:21:31,724 --> 00:21:33,224 ♪ today 569 00:21:33,226 --> 00:21:36,394 ♪ today, toda-a-ay.