1
00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:03,936
Ted: Kids, the key to a good
relationship is communication;

2
00:00:03,938 --> 00:00:05,671
You need to talk.

3
00:00:05,673 --> 00:00:08,440
How about mimi's? Nah, I don't
really feel like mimi's.

4
00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:10,209
Well, I'm hungry.
Let's just pick a place and go.

5
00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:12,344
Oh, you know where
we should go? Cynthia's.

6
00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:14,313
You love that place...
Remember what

7
00:00:14,315 --> 00:00:16,315
A great time we had the last
time we were there? We did?

8
00:00:16,317 --> 00:00:18,050
Yeah, yeah.
We had that crazy waiter

9
00:00:18,052 --> 00:00:19,885
: Who kept going,
"you two should get married!"

10
00:00:19,887 --> 00:00:21,854
You two should get married!"

11
00:00:21,856 --> 00:00:23,722
It's also important to know
when to stop talking.

12
00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:25,824
Come on. Then we
stepped outside.

13
00:00:25,826 --> 00:00:28,560
It was raining.
It was so romantic?

14
00:00:28,562 --> 00:00:30,529
How can you not remember this?

15
00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:33,032
Because it wasn't me.

16
00:00:34,501 --> 00:00:36,568
Oh, right!

17
00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:39,538
It was... My sister.

18
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:42,574
You see, by the time
you've hit your late 20s,

19
00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:43,842
You've dated a few people,

20
00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:45,244
But when you're in
a relationship,

21
00:00:45,246 --> 00:00:47,146
It's common courtesy
to pretend that you haven't.

22
00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:50,049
Oh, my god, van helsing is on.

23
00:00:50,051 --> 00:00:51,717
Remember when we went to see it?

24
00:00:51,719 --> 00:00:53,752
We sat in the back row.

25
00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:56,021
I've never seen van helsing.

26
00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:58,323
That's right.
I saw it with my sister.

27
00:00:59,826 --> 00:01:01,360
My boss just got back from maui.

28
00:01:01,362 --> 00:01:03,228
He said it was really romantic.

29
00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:04,696
Oh, it's so romantic.

30
00:01:04,698 --> 00:01:06,498
When were you in maui?

31
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:09,501
I... Went...

32
00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:10,903
With my sister. With my sister.

33
00:01:10,905 --> 00:01:12,337
Why do you always say that?

34
00:01:12,339 --> 00:01:13,405
Look,

35
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:14,873
We're not 16.

36
00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:16,842
We've both dated other people.

37
00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:19,044
It's silly to try
to act like we didn't.

38
00:01:19,046 --> 00:01:21,046
You're right.
We should just be honest.

39
00:01:21,048 --> 00:01:21,947
Totally.

40
00:01:21,949 --> 00:01:23,916
See that girl over there?

41
00:01:23,918 --> 00:01:25,684
Three years ago,

42
00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:28,187
I totally made out with her.

43
00:01:28,189 --> 00:01:29,555
I don't want to hear that.

44
00:01:29,557 --> 00:01:30,689
What? You said...

45
00:01:30,691 --> 00:01:32,124
God, that is so insensitive.

46
00:01:32,126 --> 00:01:33,592
Remember honesty...?
You're a jerk!

47
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:36,028
Well, you're...

48
00:01:36,030 --> 00:01:37,096
Confusing.

49
00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:45,120
ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA
PSArips.com

50
00:01:54,414 --> 00:01:56,248
Okay, so you have
to have sex with one:

51
00:01:56,250 --> 00:02:00,719
Either classic mermaid; bottom
half fish, top half human,

52
00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:05,324
Or inverted mermaid, top half
fish, bottom half human. Go!

53
00:02:05,326 --> 00:02:07,392
I don't know. Is she fat?

54
00:02:07,394 --> 00:02:10,596
Yeah, but it's a fish,
so it's the good kind of fat.

55
00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:13,966
Hot off the presses!
I-I don't take flyers.

56
00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:15,667
You took one two seconds
before you walked in here.

57
00:02:15,669 --> 00:02:17,069
That's different.
It was for a strip club.

58
00:02:17,071 --> 00:02:18,737
Two bucks off wings.

59
00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:20,339
How much is your flyer
going to save me on wings?

60
00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:22,941
Fine. It's a flyer from my play.

61
00:02:22,943 --> 00:02:25,010
Oh, lily, I'd love to,
but we're not in college

62
00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:26,645
And I'm not trying
to sleep with you.

63
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:28,480
So anyway, this mermaid...

64
00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:30,649
Hey, lily's friend asked
her to be in this play,

65
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:32,117
And it's gonna be really good.

66
00:02:32,119 --> 00:02:35,354
Lily, I love you,
but we're too old for this.

67
00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:37,789
Asking someone
to come see your play

68
00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:39,958
Is like asking someone
for a ride to the airport

69
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,761
Or to crash on your couch
or to help you move.

70
00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:43,929
Call a cab, book a room,

71
00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:46,632
Hire some movers
and repeat after me:

72
00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:49,835
Friends don't let friends
come see their crappy play.

73
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,003
Ted: Okay, first of all,

74
00:02:51,005 --> 00:02:53,038
I've thought about it

75
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,173
And top half fish.

76
00:02:54,175 --> 00:02:56,175
Second of all, we need you guys

77
00:02:56,177 --> 00:02:57,809
To decide something for us.

78
00:02:57,811 --> 00:03:00,371
Yes, you should break up.

79
00:03:01,147 --> 00:03:03,215
So, earlier tonight...

80
00:03:03,217 --> 00:03:06,818
Mm, we should
get down to the bar.

81
00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:08,954
I know we should,

82
00:03:08,956 --> 00:03:12,057
But you just look so sexy
in my red sweatshirt.

83
00:03:12,059 --> 00:03:12,991
Mm...

84
00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:15,160
Mm... Mm...

85
00:03:15,162 --> 00:03:17,963
Oh, god, why is this
part of the story?

86
00:03:17,965 --> 00:03:19,064
We're getting to it.

87
00:03:19,066 --> 00:03:21,466
Damn, my face is so dry.

88
00:03:21,468 --> 00:03:22,334
Is there any moisturizer
around here?

89
00:03:22,336 --> 00:03:23,969
Yeah, there's some
in the bathroom.

90
00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:25,337
Got to moisturize!

91
00:03:25,339 --> 00:03:27,773
Got to keep that
pretty face moist.

92
00:03:28,741 --> 00:03:30,642
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

93
00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:33,712
What's wrong with her?
She hates that word.

94
00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:34,880
What word, "moist"?

95
00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:37,049
No! Seriously, stop!

96
00:03:37,051 --> 00:03:39,518
So, anyway, ted goes
into the bathroom

97
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:40,520
To get the moist...

98
00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:42,187
Face lotion...

99
00:03:42,189 --> 00:03:44,389
Wow, this is great stuff.

100
00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:46,491
Now I know the secret
to your great complexion.

101
00:03:46,493 --> 00:03:48,026
What are you talking about?
It's yours.

102
00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:49,161
No, it's not.

103
00:03:49,163 --> 00:03:50,195
Oh, well...

104
00:03:50,197 --> 00:03:51,930
Then I guess it's lily's.

105
00:03:51,932 --> 00:03:53,212
No, it's not.

106
00:03:54,033 --> 00:03:56,235
Whose moisturizer is this, ted?

107
00:03:56,237 --> 00:03:58,170
Um, my sister's.

108
00:03:58,172 --> 00:04:00,872
So, in other words,
some girl you went out with.

109
00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:03,709
Um... I love you.

110
00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:07,079
Disgusting. You let me put on
the same moisturizer

111
00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:08,347
As one of your exes?

112
00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:09,681
It was probably carla's.

113
00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:11,216
Her face was a train wreck.

114
00:04:11,218 --> 00:04:14,519
I'm don't think ted was
dating her for her face.

115
00:04:15,521 --> 00:04:16,521
Thank you, marshall.

116
00:04:16,523 --> 00:04:18,190
Thank you so much.

117
00:04:18,192 --> 00:04:20,525
Why is that still
in your apartment?

118
00:04:20,527 --> 00:04:22,561
I don't know.
I just never threw it out.

119
00:04:22,563 --> 00:04:25,030
Well, why not? Do you still
have feelings for this girl?

120
00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:27,099
Yeah. I'm madly in love
with her,

121
00:04:27,101 --> 00:04:29,234
And the only way
I can deal with it

122
00:04:29,236 --> 00:04:31,203
Is by holding onto
a three-dollar tube of lotion.

123
00:04:31,205 --> 00:04:33,305
Not three dollars! Try 14.

124
00:04:35,708 --> 00:04:37,276
Why is this such a big deal?

125
00:04:37,278 --> 00:04:40,312
Because I don't want to use
some whore's moisturizer!

126
00:04:40,314 --> 00:04:41,980
Whoa, she wasn't a whore.

127
00:04:41,982 --> 00:04:45,050
Well, she's leaving expensive
lotions all over town.

128
00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:46,752
It sounds like a whore to me.

129
00:04:46,754 --> 00:04:47,786
What else do you have

130
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,588
From old girlfriends
just lying around?

131
00:04:49,590 --> 00:04:51,123
Nothing. That's it.

132
00:04:51,125 --> 00:04:53,558
Well, except
for the phone booth.

133
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:55,961
And the lamp by the desk...

134
00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:58,563
And the...

135
00:04:59,766 --> 00:05:02,134
No.

136
00:05:02,136 --> 00:05:03,735
No!

137
00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:04,770
No!

138
00:05:04,772 --> 00:05:06,672
Oh, ted!

139
00:05:06,674 --> 00:05:08,307
Ah, the age-old question:

140
00:05:08,309 --> 00:05:09,341
After you break up with someone,

141
00:05:09,343 --> 00:05:11,076
What do you do with the stuff?

142
00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:13,445
Question?
Ain't no question, girl.

143
00:05:13,447 --> 00:05:15,414
Obviously, he's got
to get rid of it.

144
00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:16,448
Which is obviously crazy

145
00:05:16,450 --> 00:05:18,116
And obviously,
I'm not gonna do it.

146
00:05:18,118 --> 00:05:20,852
So we agreed that we would
let you guys decide.

147
00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:22,894
Yeah, like we did
with marshall's pants.

148
00:05:23,923 --> 00:05:25,324
Ah, the 2005 landmark case

149
00:05:25,326 --> 00:05:28,193
Of lily v.
The joey buttafuoco pants.

150
00:05:28,195 --> 00:05:29,494
Huh?

151
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:31,963
Huh?

152
00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:33,098
Nice, right?

153
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:35,434
I'm gonna have to say no.

154
00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:36,535
I don't want some

155
00:05:36,537 --> 00:05:38,303
16-year-old girl
falling in love with you

156
00:05:38,305 --> 00:05:40,205
And then shooting lily
in the face.

157
00:05:40,207 --> 00:05:41,340
Yes!

158
00:05:42,275 --> 00:05:44,109
I vote they can stay.

159
00:05:44,111 --> 00:05:46,011
"Check out the jackass
in the parachute pants"

160
00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:47,512
Is a good icebreaker.

161
00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:49,181
Ted.

162
00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:52,317
Ted? Ted?

163
00:05:52,319 --> 00:05:53,819
Sorry, buddy, it's
a "no" for me, too.

164
00:05:53,821 --> 00:05:56,688
Oh, and by the way,
bel biv devoe called.

165
00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:59,224
Even they don't want
those pants back.

166
00:05:59,226 --> 00:06:01,326
They were insanely comfortable!

167
00:06:01,328 --> 00:06:03,729
They were like pajamas
you could wear outside.

168
00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:06,031
Marshall, it's over.

169
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,466
We even gave you an appeal

170
00:06:07,468 --> 00:06:09,501
And they didn't look any better
with combat boots.

171
00:06:09,503 --> 00:06:11,837
All right, well,
let's hear the arguments.

172
00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:13,405
Ted, you go first.

173
00:06:13,407 --> 00:06:15,707
Okay. The fact that I still have
things from ex-girlfriends

174
00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:17,175
Is no big deal.

175
00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:19,244
I mean, when I see the phone
booth on the piano,

176
00:06:19,246 --> 00:06:21,146
I don't think
of jeannie radford,

177
00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:23,682
I think of the good times I had
backpacking through europe.

178
00:06:23,684 --> 00:06:26,518
And when I see the lamp,
I don't think of allison moses.

179
00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:29,020
I remember when I was broke,
just out of college,

180
00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:30,255
And I really needed a lamp.

181
00:06:30,257 --> 00:06:32,190
And when I see
that throw pillow,

182
00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:33,658
I don't think of lauren stein.

183
00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:35,394
I think of that weird
orange-brown stain

184
00:06:35,396 --> 00:06:37,028
And how it got there.

185
00:06:37,030 --> 00:06:38,430
Creamsicle and turkey gravy,

186
00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:40,499
Not at the same time.

187
00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:42,701
Well, that's adorable,

188
00:06:42,703 --> 00:06:44,436
But from now on, when I
walk into the apartment,

189
00:06:44,438 --> 00:06:45,871
Here is what I will see.

190
00:06:45,873 --> 00:06:49,207
I'm ted's college girlfriend.

191
00:06:49,209 --> 00:06:51,543
He made me 12 mix tapes.

192
00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:54,346
How many has he made you?

193
00:06:54,348 --> 00:06:57,015
He calls you "sweetie pie"?

194
00:06:57,017 --> 00:07:00,919
He called me "sweetie pie."

195
00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:06,958
I'm stupid, but my rack
is bigger than yours.

196
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,093
Really?

197
00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:09,795
You can't look at a pillow

198
00:07:09,797 --> 00:07:11,930
Without seeing my
ex-girlfriend... a pillow!

199
00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:14,032
Yes, ted, the fact
that you still have that pillow

200
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:15,300
Is creepy and gross.

201
00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:16,635
Well, you're creepy and gross.

202
00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:18,103
Well, your mom's creepy
and gross.

203
00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:20,472
You're the... Order! Order!

204
00:07:20,474 --> 00:07:22,307
I got to side with robin.

205
00:07:22,309 --> 00:07:23,809
She's your girlfriend,

206
00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:25,777
And if the stuff upsets her,
you got to get rid of it.

207
00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,546
I've got to side with ted.

208
00:07:27,548 --> 00:07:29,314
Just 'cause you
still have something

209
00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:31,149
An ex-girlfriend gave you doesn't
mean you're holding onto her.

210
00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:33,051
Ted: All right, barney.

211
00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:34,920
It all comes down to you.

212
00:07:34,922 --> 00:07:37,422
I side with robin.

213
00:07:37,424 --> 00:07:38,623
What?

214
00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:40,959
Ted, your place
is too cluttered.

215
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,761
It's like you're
living in a bennigan's.

216
00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:44,796
Or a danby's.

217
00:07:45,898 --> 00:07:48,166
What, they don't have
danby's in the us?

218
00:07:48,801 --> 00:07:49,968
Really?

219
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,503
Well, then were do you get

220
00:07:51,505 --> 00:07:53,104
Grizzly paw ice cream
sandwiches?

221
00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:55,507
Just stop, sweetie.

222
00:07:57,143 --> 00:07:59,110
Ted: So I had no choice.

223
00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:00,278
I packed up everything

224
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:01,980
I had gotten
from ex-girlfriends.

225
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:03,682
It was painful,

226
00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:08,153
But not as painful as what I
had to endure later that night.

227
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:10,288
New york is famous
for its theater,

228
00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:11,656
But there's many
different levels.

229
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:15,927
There's broadway, off-broadway,
off-off-broadway,

230
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:19,297
Homeless people screaming
in the park,

231
00:08:19,299 --> 00:08:23,268
And then below that,
the play aunt lily was in.

232
00:08:23,270 --> 00:08:25,003
Eight flights of stairs.

233
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:28,273
Who puts a theater up
eight flights of stairs?

234
00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:29,875
What kind of building is this?

235
00:08:29,877 --> 00:08:33,712
From the smell of it,
I'm guessing a urine factory.

236
00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:35,380
Hey, where do you guys
want to sit?

237
00:08:35,382 --> 00:08:38,049
I know where I don't
want to sit.

238
00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:39,751
Guys, four together!

239
00:08:43,723 --> 00:08:45,957
I brought a bag in case
anyone needs to puke.

240
00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:47,792
Come on. It's not
gonna be that bad.

241
00:08:47,794 --> 00:08:49,074
No? Okay.

242
00:08:59,338 --> 00:09:01,006
Shh.

243
00:09:03,176 --> 00:09:08,480
I... Am... Rage!

244
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:15,620
I... Am greed.

245
00:09:18,425 --> 00:09:22,761
I am rage... Envy!

246
00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:24,563
I am outta here.

247
00:09:24,565 --> 00:09:27,132
No, you're not.
You have to stay.

248
00:09:28,935 --> 00:09:33,371
This is the face of consumerism!

249
00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:37,809
Oh, my god.
Ted's part of the play.

250
00:09:42,048 --> 00:09:46,685
Hello, greed, rage...

251
00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,954
Envy...

252
00:09:50,289 --> 00:09:53,625
And consumerism.

253
00:09:56,562 --> 00:09:59,064
I...

254
00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:01,533
Am your father...

255
00:10:01,535 --> 00:10:03,602
America!

256
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,621
Oh, baby, that was wonderful!

257
00:10:22,623 --> 00:10:24,990
Totally, I had no idea
greed was the killer.

258
00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:26,891
And when it became
a play within a play,

259
00:10:26,893 --> 00:10:29,294
I was, like, "now
we are really cookin'!"

260
00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:32,163
Wow, lily, that sucked!

261
00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:34,065
Barney!

262
00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:36,067
What? It was terrible.

263
00:10:36,069 --> 00:10:38,103
I mean, come on.
You guys agree, right?

264
00:10:38,105 --> 00:10:40,438
Hey, sorry,
I'm just being honest

265
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:41,640
'cause, you know, we're friends.

266
00:10:41,642 --> 00:10:44,576
No, friends make each other
feel good.

267
00:10:44,578 --> 00:10:46,978
They build each other up
and support them.

268
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:48,913
That's what being
a good friend is about.

269
00:10:48,915 --> 00:10:51,483
Yeah, if you're a smurf.

270
00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:53,952
You know if you did a play,
I would sit through

271
00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:56,621
The whole thing and I would
compliment you on it afterwards.

272
00:10:56,623 --> 00:10:58,990
Oh, really? You would? Yes.

273
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:02,127
Bad move, aldrin, bad move.

274
00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:04,496
We'll be starting

275
00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:06,331
Our q&a with the director...

276
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:10,101
Yours truly...
In five minutes right here.

277
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:17,208
Can you believe barney
said that about lily's play?

278
00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:19,044
I know. He can be
really insensitive.

279
00:11:19,046 --> 00:11:21,012
Yeah... It was
pretty bad, though.

280
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,494
Oh, my god, it was so bad.

281
00:11:28,954 --> 00:11:30,722
Oh, my god, you've been robbed!

282
00:11:30,724 --> 00:11:32,624
Nope.

283
00:11:35,394 --> 00:11:38,263
All that stuff was
from old girlfriends?

284
00:11:40,232 --> 00:11:42,567
Don't you buy anything
for yourself?

285
00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:44,002
What can I say?

286
00:11:44,004 --> 00:11:45,670
Papa gets swag.

287
00:11:45,672 --> 00:11:47,138
Mmm...

288
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,973
And that should've been
the end of it.

289
00:11:48,975 --> 00:11:50,208
But the next day...

290
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:51,676
You know, at first
I was really bummed

291
00:11:51,678 --> 00:11:53,411
About getting rid
of all my stuff.

292
00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:55,547
But seeing how happy it makes
you... totally worth it.

293
00:11:55,549 --> 00:11:57,549
Mm, that's kind of how I
feel when I begrudgingly

294
00:11:57,551 --> 00:11:59,250
Have sex with you
when I'm really tired.

295
00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:01,753
Exactly. Sometimes you gotta
take one for the team.

296
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,556
Well, sit.

297
00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:06,057
Sit, yeah.

298
00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:07,926
So you never keep anything
your ex-boyfriends gave you?

299
00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:09,327
Nope.

300
00:12:09,329 --> 00:12:11,262
Well, except for my dogs.

301
00:12:26,378 --> 00:12:27,912
So I had to get rid
of everything

302
00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:29,781
From my past
relationships because

303
00:12:29,783 --> 00:12:31,950
You don't keep things
from your past relationships

304
00:12:31,952 --> 00:12:34,085
Except, uh, where are
your five dogs from?

305
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:37,088
Oh, that's right:
Your past relationships.

306
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,256
What's your point, ted?

307
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:39,624
Well, you know how you said

308
00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:40,959
You come over to my apartment,

309
00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:43,061
And all you can see
are my ex-girlfriends?

310
00:12:43,063 --> 00:12:44,696
What, so when you look
at my dogs,

311
00:12:44,698 --> 00:12:46,131
All you see is my ex-boyfriends?

312
00:12:49,468 --> 00:12:51,703
Good boy.

313
00:12:51,705 --> 00:12:53,538
I do now.

314
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:56,107
That's ridiculous.

315
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,442
I thought you said you got rid

316
00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:58,943
Of everything
your ex-boyfriends gave you.

317
00:12:58,945 --> 00:13:01,312
Well, yeah, but not my dogs.
You said everything.

318
00:13:01,314 --> 00:13:02,981
But not living things.

319
00:13:02,983 --> 00:13:05,650
Well, tell that to the rare
bolivian cactus I threw away.

320
00:13:05,652 --> 00:13:08,386
Things with a heartbeat
can stay.

321
00:13:11,323 --> 00:13:12,757
Enjoying this?

322
00:13:12,759 --> 00:13:14,292
Pickles, go get your ball.

323
00:13:15,161 --> 00:13:17,629
Go get your ball.

324
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:22,767
Just admit it.

325
00:13:22,769 --> 00:13:23,935
It was a little
hypocritical of you

326
00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:25,170
To make me get rid
of all my stuff.

327
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:27,272
Well, what do you
want me to do, ted?

328
00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:28,573
Get rid of my dogs?

329
00:13:29,675 --> 00:13:33,144
Guess what position
we did it in.

330
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:35,313
Yes. Yes, I want you
to get rid of your dogs.

331
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,415
Um, no.

332
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,489
Really? Well, I say

333
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:48,259
We take it to the group,
but I don't like your chances.

334
00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:51,262
She's not getting
rid of the dogs.

335
00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:52,697
What's the matter with you?

336
00:13:52,699 --> 00:13:54,499
Even I wouldn't do that.

337
00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,134
Yes! Ugh!

338
00:13:56,136 --> 00:13:58,169
You can ask somebody
to get rid of their iguana

339
00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,605
After it poops in your hair,
but not their dog.

340
00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:02,874
I miss jebediah.

341
00:14:02,876 --> 00:14:04,709
Oh, I almost forgot.

342
00:14:04,711 --> 00:14:07,445
Flyers for my new play.

343
00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:08,713
Very funny.

344
00:14:08,715 --> 00:14:10,348
Oh, it's not a joke.

345
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:12,217
It's my one-man show
premiering tomorrow night.

346
00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:14,853
And even though it's terrible
and excruciatingly long,

347
00:14:14,855 --> 00:14:17,655
I expect you all to be there
since we're such good friends.

348
00:14:17,657 --> 00:14:19,524
Oh, we'll be there.

349
00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:20,625
Unless, of course, you just want
to admit that you were wrong...

350
00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:22,527
Never. Good.

351
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:25,063
Okay, I gotta go rehearse.

352
00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:27,165
Oh, I almost forgot.

353
00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:28,967
Bring a poncho;
the first three rows get wet.

354
00:14:43,983 --> 00:14:46,751
I'm sorry I didn't tell you
where the dogs came from.

355
00:14:46,753 --> 00:14:49,554
I'm sorry I asked you
to get rid of them.

356
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:50,822
That was ridiculous.

357
00:14:50,824 --> 00:14:53,691
So we're-we're okay?

358
00:14:53,693 --> 00:14:55,426
Yeah, we're great.

359
00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:57,662
And I thought we were,

360
00:14:57,664 --> 00:14:59,230
But just as it did

361
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:01,099
In the seventh act
of aunt lily's play,

362
00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:03,601
Jealousy reared its ugly head.

363
00:15:11,043 --> 00:15:14,312
Oh, yeah, baby, that's the spot.

364
00:15:18,784 --> 00:15:23,021
♪ So messed up,
I want you here ♪

365
00:15:26,058 --> 00:15:29,694
♪ But now I wanna
be your dog... ♪

366
00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:30,895
Dude, I gotta pee.

367
00:15:30,897 --> 00:15:33,464
♪ Now I wanna be your dog

368
00:15:33,466 --> 00:15:34,899
Sorry, I... I gotta go.

369
00:15:34,901 --> 00:15:38,636
♪ Now I wanna be your dog...

370
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:43,207
Oh, he's really having trouble
dealing with this, huh?

371
00:15:43,209 --> 00:15:44,609
Yeah, he really is.

372
00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:47,879
It's got me thinking, maybe
I should get rid of my dogs.

373
00:15:47,881 --> 00:15:50,481
Might be time
to send them to the farm.

374
00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:52,250
You're gonna kill your dogs?!

375
00:15:52,252 --> 00:15:54,385
No! No, no, no,
there really is a farm.

376
00:15:54,387 --> 00:15:56,587
My aunt has a farm upstate.

377
00:15:56,589 --> 00:15:58,323
Oh, thank god.

378
00:15:58,325 --> 00:16:00,491
Aw, you know, if I
were five dogs,

379
00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:04,128
I'd rather live on a farm than
in an apartment in brooklyn.

380
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:06,631
Yeah. I could visit
them on weekends.

381
00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:09,167
My aunt is awfully
lonely up there.

382
00:16:09,169 --> 00:16:10,802
It's just her
and her lover, betty.

383
00:16:10,804 --> 00:16:14,005
Oh, that's perfect.
They love dogs.

384
00:16:14,007 --> 00:16:15,673
"They"?
What do you mean by "they"?

385
00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:17,342
Uh... Uh... Uh...

386
00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:18,476
People upstate.

387
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,478
Oh, look, it's starting. Shh!

388
00:16:21,513 --> 00:16:24,649
Are you sure
you're gonna be okay?

389
00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:26,517
I mean, you know that this
is gonna be... I know,

390
00:16:26,519 --> 00:16:28,286
But I'm gonna sit
through the whole thing,

391
00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:30,455
And I'm gonna say something
nice about it afterwards.

392
00:16:30,457 --> 00:16:32,023
You know why?

393
00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:34,345
Because that's what friends do.
Hmm.

394
00:16:49,141 --> 00:16:51,209
Moist.

395
00:16:52,277 --> 00:16:54,312
Moist.

396
00:16:54,314 --> 00:16:56,147
Moist.

397
00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:57,849
Moist.

398
00:16:57,851 --> 00:17:00,184
Ted: That was the first 40
minutes of barney's show.

399
00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:02,320
Moist.

400
00:17:02,322 --> 00:17:05,456
And then we endured
about 20 minutes of this.

401
00:17:17,236 --> 00:17:19,037
I have to go refill.

402
00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:20,238
I'll be back in a moment.

403
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:21,472
Play's not over.

404
00:17:25,411 --> 00:17:28,713
I never get picked for
audience participation.

405
00:17:29,648 --> 00:17:31,582
And then it just got weird.

406
00:17:35,154 --> 00:17:37,822
Feelings.

407
00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:40,758
Inside.

408
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:43,127
Oh, no!

409
00:17:44,096 --> 00:17:46,397
Barney: Beep, beep, beep.

410
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:47,999
Beep.

411
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:55,339
Ted:
And when that didn't work...

412
00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:14,859
Okay!

413
00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:16,194
Stop!

414
00:18:16,196 --> 00:18:18,062
You win. Fine.

415
00:18:18,064 --> 00:18:21,265
Barney, I'm sorry
I made you come to my show.

416
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:22,733
Thank you, lily.

417
00:18:22,735 --> 00:18:24,469
Is there anything you'd like
to say about my show?

418
00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:26,104
No.

419
00:18:26,106 --> 00:18:28,773
No, I have nothing nice
to say about your show.

420
00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:30,374
You were right, barney.

421
00:18:30,376 --> 00:18:32,210
Let's go to the bar.

422
00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:34,078
Yes! I win!

423
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:35,880
I love winning!

424
00:18:35,882 --> 00:18:37,448
Oh, lily.

425
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:39,250
Oh, lily, lily, lily.

426
00:18:39,252 --> 00:18:41,419
I was just getting warmed up,
man!

427
00:18:41,421 --> 00:18:44,622
If you had any idea what was
coming up in act two... Oh!

428
00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:47,458
Well, I imagine it was
pretty awful, so let's go.

429
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:48,726
Pretty awful? Pretty awful?!

430
00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:50,695
It was a masterpiece of awful.

431
00:18:51,497 --> 00:18:52,964
It's genius how bad it is.

432
00:18:52,966 --> 00:18:54,899
I kind of wish
you guys could see it.

433
00:18:54,901 --> 00:18:56,400
Yeah, well, anyway.

434
00:18:56,402 --> 00:18:58,669
Act two is where
I really hit my stride.

435
00:18:59,838 --> 00:19:03,040
Spoiler alert:
The robot falls in love.

436
00:19:04,343 --> 00:19:06,177
How about this, barney?

437
00:19:06,179 --> 00:19:11,015
How about we stay and-and watch
the rest of your show?

438
00:19:13,619 --> 00:19:15,086
It's your funeral.

439
00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:18,489
Five, six, one, two.

440
00:19:20,994 --> 00:19:23,094
So we stayed
and let barney torture us

441
00:19:23,096 --> 00:19:25,096
For another hour and a half,

442
00:19:25,098 --> 00:19:28,866
'cause that's what friends do,
apparently.

443
00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:30,701
Hey.

444
00:19:30,703 --> 00:19:31,869
Where've you been?

445
00:19:31,871 --> 00:19:32,837
I called you earlier.

446
00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:35,139
I gave my dogs away to my aunt.

447
00:19:35,141 --> 00:19:36,607
You what?

448
00:19:36,609 --> 00:19:40,811
Yeah. Just for a few months
as a test run, but...

449
00:19:40,813 --> 00:19:43,114
I think it's for the best.

450
00:19:43,116 --> 00:19:44,682
Wow.

451
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:47,185
Oh, man.

452
00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:49,287
Aw...

453
00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:51,289
Can we go inside?

454
00:19:51,291 --> 00:19:52,456
Uh, no.

455
00:19:52,458 --> 00:19:54,392
Uh, let's go to the bar. Why?

456
00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:57,195
What's going on inside?
Um, the floors are gone.

457
00:19:57,197 --> 00:19:59,830
What? Yeah. I-I sent them
out to get, um, fixed.

458
00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:01,032
This is a terrible lie.

459
00:20:01,034 --> 00:20:02,233
I'm just going to bail.

460
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,048
I didn't know you were getting
rid of the dogs!

461
00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:19,083
You said you threw
all that stuff away!

462
00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:21,719
Ted: Kids, this was the worst
fight robin and I ever had.

463
00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:25,022
It was one of those fights
that last for hours

464
00:20:25,024 --> 00:20:26,657
And you start to get woozy
and lose track

465
00:20:26,659 --> 00:20:27,859
Of what you're fighting about.

466
00:20:27,860 --> 00:20:29,493
We fought for so long,

467
00:20:29,495 --> 00:20:32,096
Seasons changed
outside the window.

468
00:20:32,098 --> 00:20:35,199
Pages of the calendar blew off.
It was crazy.

469
00:20:35,201 --> 00:20:37,101
But, ultimately,
and I couldn't tell you how

470
00:20:37,103 --> 00:20:41,138
For the life of me,
but somehow we got to here.

471
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:46,210
We're really doing this?

472
00:20:46,212 --> 00:20:49,780
Yeah.

473
00:20:49,782 --> 00:20:51,215
We're moving in together!
We're moving in together!

474
00:20:54,686 --> 00:20:56,486
Congratulations! Thank you.

475
00:20:58,557 --> 00:21:00,891
♪ Robot found love

476
00:21:00,893 --> 00:21:02,960
♪ confusing my circuitry

477
00:21:02,962 --> 00:21:05,029
♪ my software's been hacked

478
00:21:05,031 --> 00:21:13,031
♪ toaster oven,
you're the one for me. ♪

479
00:21:15,574 --> 00:21:17,008
Two, three, four.

480
00:21:25,751 --> 00:21:27,018
That's two.

481
00:21:28,987 --> 00:21:30,054
Amazing finish.