1 00:00:01,267 --> 00:00:03,035 Ted: It took me a while to figure out, 2 00:00:03,037 --> 00:00:05,537 But the key to understanding your uncle barney is this. 3 00:00:05,539 --> 00:00:09,141 When times are hard, it's impossible to keep him around. 4 00:00:09,143 --> 00:00:11,443 Like when your aunt lily and uncle marshall were broken up. 5 00:00:11,445 --> 00:00:12,544 Hey. 6 00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:13,679 What are you guys talking about? 7 00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:14,880 Lily. 8 00:00:14,882 --> 00:00:16,015 I got to go. 9 00:00:17,817 --> 00:00:20,219 But when times are good, it's impossible to get rid of him. 10 00:00:20,221 --> 00:00:21,854 What are you guys doing? 11 00:00:21,856 --> 00:00:23,689 We just finished planning marshall's bachelor party. 12 00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:25,057 Good, you haven't started yet. 13 00:00:25,059 --> 00:00:26,625 Let's talk logistics. 14 00:00:26,627 --> 00:00:28,460 Now, have you laid out ground rules with lily? 15 00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:29,795 Where you are or aren't allowed 16 00:00:29,797 --> 00:00:30,996 To touch or be touched? 17 00:00:30,998 --> 00:00:32,297 Show me on ted. 18 00:00:32,299 --> 00:00:33,532 Actually, we're, uh, 19 00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:35,501 We're thinking of skipping the strippers. 20 00:00:35,503 --> 00:00:37,369 You... You want to have a party 21 00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:38,871 Mmm. Without strippers. 22 00:00:38,873 --> 00:00:40,906 This was the worst thing I could have said. 23 00:00:40,908 --> 00:00:43,375 You see, barney loved cooking up bachelor parties, 24 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:45,044 And it was always the same recipe. 25 00:00:45,046 --> 00:00:47,980 You start with a slightly cramped hotel suite. 26 00:00:47,982 --> 00:00:50,816 Arrange the chairs in a circle... 27 00:00:50,818 --> 00:00:53,752 Fill them with your closest friends. 28 00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:55,654 Turn the heat up to about 90. 29 00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:57,890 Pump in a metric ton of cigar smoke. 30 00:00:57,892 --> 00:01:00,392 And then, right in the middle of the room, 31 00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:01,994 You throw in a girl. 32 00:01:01,996 --> 00:01:04,329 But not a beautiful girl... 33 00:01:04,331 --> 00:01:06,732 No, if this girl was ever beautiful, 34 00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:08,600 It was two kids, three tattoos, 35 00:01:08,602 --> 00:01:10,669 And one pesky substance abuse problem ago. 36 00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:13,272 Which one of you is stuart? 37 00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:15,040 Please, I really don't want to do this. 38 00:01:15,042 --> 00:01:17,509 Shut up. Put in your mouth guard. 39 00:01:22,048 --> 00:01:23,715 Ted: Then she proceeds to do things 40 00:01:23,717 --> 00:01:25,050 that demean the groom, 41 00:01:25,052 --> 00:01:27,419 Herself and really, the entire human race. 42 00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:28,754 Disgusting. 43 00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:31,056 Ah, horrifying. 44 00:01:31,058 --> 00:01:32,925 Classic. 45 00:01:32,927 --> 00:01:34,393 Stuart: Oh, please, please, no, no. 46 00:01:34,395 --> 00:01:36,462 I don't want anything like that happening to me. 47 00:01:36,464 --> 00:01:38,230 Stuart's still trying to forget that night. 48 00:01:38,232 --> 00:01:39,598 It's my bachelor party. 49 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:40,799 We're not having strippers. 50 00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:43,435 Oh, he thinks he has a say in it. 51 00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,237 So, strippers it is! 52 00:01:45,239 --> 00:01:46,405 Now, just, uh, 53 00:01:46,407 --> 00:01:47,473 Tell me where we're going to be 54 00:01:47,475 --> 00:01:48,874 And I'll make some calls. 55 00:01:48,876 --> 00:01:50,242 I think I can get the fourth one for free. 56 00:01:50,244 --> 00:01:51,477 Quick question. 57 00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:53,078 Prosthetic arm. Deal breaker? 58 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:54,246 Barney, there is... 59 00:01:54,248 --> 00:01:57,149 Before you say no, it has attachments. 60 00:01:57,173 --> 00:02:05,173 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 61 00:02:13,399 --> 00:02:14,766 Look, I know you have some stuff planned 62 00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:15,734 For marshall's bachelor party, 63 00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:17,669 But he really doesn't want strippers. 64 00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:18,637 Yes, he does. 65 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,105 Uh, well, he told me he doesn't. 66 00:02:20,107 --> 00:02:21,773 Uh, well, he told me he does. 67 00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:22,508 When? 68 00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:23,775 Every minute of every day 69 00:02:23,777 --> 00:02:25,844 As his inner animal thrashes against the cage 70 00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:27,579 Of his own puritanical upbringing. 71 00:02:27,581 --> 00:02:30,582 Or do you guys not like naked girls? 72 00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:32,918 Um, we love naked girls. 73 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:33,920 They're one of the 74 00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:34,921 Best things in the world. 75 00:02:34,922 --> 00:02:36,255 It goes... 76 00:02:36,257 --> 00:02:37,823 Naked girls, democracy, 77 00:02:37,825 --> 00:02:39,158 The scene in every which way but loose 78 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:40,459 Where the monkey gives a guy the finger. 79 00:02:40,461 --> 00:02:41,994 Mm. 80 00:02:41,996 --> 00:02:42,928 We just don't like your naked girls. 81 00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:44,363 What, my girls aren't hot enough? 82 00:02:44,365 --> 00:02:46,031 I mean, all right, fine, 83 00:02:46,033 --> 00:02:48,934 The stripper at stuart's bachelor party was a 15. 84 00:02:48,936 --> 00:02:50,102 She was 15? 85 00:02:50,104 --> 00:02:51,703 No, a 15. 86 00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:53,972 Like in blackjack. 87 00:02:53,974 --> 00:02:56,542 As in, not sure whether you'd hit it? 88 00:02:56,544 --> 00:02:57,609 Exactly. 89 00:02:57,611 --> 00:02:59,011 Nice. 90 00:03:00,213 --> 00:03:01,446 This is important to marshall. 91 00:03:01,448 --> 00:03:03,949 So, promise me, no strippers. 92 00:03:03,951 --> 00:03:06,818 All right, I promise. 93 00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:08,687 I'm serious. 94 00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:09,888 So am I. 95 00:03:09,890 --> 00:03:12,558 No strippers. 96 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,626 Now say it without winking. 97 00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:18,297 No strippers. 98 00:03:18,299 --> 00:03:19,398 You just winked. 99 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:21,967 No, I didn't. 100 00:03:23,903 --> 00:03:25,337 So, when the day arrived, 101 00:03:25,339 --> 00:03:27,973 We all climbed into a rented escalade and set out. 102 00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:30,409 Now, every bachelor party is usually made up 103 00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:31,810 Of the same stock characters. 104 00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:33,679 You've got the groom... 105 00:03:33,681 --> 00:03:35,080 The best man... 106 00:03:35,082 --> 00:03:37,316 The guy who speaks only in clichés... 107 00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:38,817 Dead man walking! 108 00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:40,586 The guy who disappears at the beginning of the night 109 00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:42,888 And doesn't show up again until the end. 110 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:44,423 All right, 111 00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:46,491 Who's up for a little blackjack before we check in? 112 00:03:46,493 --> 00:03:48,260 No, no, no. Mm-mmm. None for me. 113 00:03:48,262 --> 00:03:52,064 See you guys back at the room, then. 114 00:03:52,066 --> 00:03:53,665 And, of course, well... 115 00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:54,933 Barney. 116 00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:56,201 Every bachelor party has a barney. 117 00:03:56,203 --> 00:03:57,869 Oh, what's this? 118 00:03:57,871 --> 00:04:00,572 This car has a dvd player? 119 00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:02,374 You mean, we could have been watching 120 00:04:02,376 --> 00:04:05,110 These pornos the whole time? 121 00:04:05,112 --> 00:04:07,746 Yeah. This one's in hd. 122 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,848 This one's in h-double-d. 123 00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:12,618 Oh! 124 00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:13,418 That same night, aunt lily 125 00:04:13,420 --> 00:04:14,920 Was having a wedding shower, 126 00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:16,588 And robin showed up, gift in hand. 127 00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,557 Funny story about that gift. 128 00:04:18,559 --> 00:04:20,092 Hey, barney, 129 00:04:20,094 --> 00:04:21,560 Check out what I got lily for her shower. 130 00:04:21,562 --> 00:04:22,594 It's kind of racy. 131 00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:23,862 Think you can handle it? 132 00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:25,430 Uh, I've been in a ten-way. 133 00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:26,865 So, yeah. 134 00:04:30,870 --> 00:04:33,438 It's kind of see-through. 135 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,207 Hmm? Whoa-ho-ho! 136 00:04:35,209 --> 00:04:36,575 You weren't kidding! 137 00:04:36,577 --> 00:04:38,110 You know when you should give that to her? 138 00:04:38,112 --> 00:04:39,611 1850. 139 00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,913 Robin, it's her bridal shower! 140 00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:43,215 All her friends are gonna be there. 141 00:04:43,217 --> 00:04:44,416 They're going to be drinking. 142 00:04:44,418 --> 00:04:45,784 You need to get her something daring, 143 00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:46,818 Something outrageous. 144 00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:49,454 Well, what do you think I should get her? 145 00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:52,424 There's a store on eighth avenue 146 00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:54,459 That specializes in... 147 00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:56,395 How to put this delicately?... 148 00:04:56,397 --> 00:05:01,733 Uh, battery-powered, adult- recreational fake penises. 149 00:05:03,304 --> 00:05:05,971 And so aunt robin went to a store on eighth avenue, 150 00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:08,640 And bought a battery-powered, adult-recreational... 151 00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:10,409 Well, it was something inappropriate. 152 00:05:10,411 --> 00:05:12,010 And we're back in. 153 00:05:17,283 --> 00:05:18,450 Robin! Oh. 154 00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:19,685 Ohh, 155 00:05:19,687 --> 00:05:21,119 I'm so glad you're here. Hey. 156 00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:23,121 Come in, I want you to meet everybody. 157 00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:24,923 Robin, this is my grandma lois 158 00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:25,757 And my aunt oh. 159 00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,459 Florence. Oh, lovely to meet you, 160 00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:28,427 Dear. Florence. 161 00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:29,828 They put this whole party together. 162 00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:30,762 Oh! 163 00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:33,465 It's different from what I expected, 164 00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:35,200 But lovely. Lovely. 165 00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:36,268 And, oh, look, 166 00:05:36,270 --> 00:05:37,502 There are little kids here! 167 00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:38,770 Yeah, my cousins. 168 00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:40,605 Listen, I, uh, I forgot something somewhere 169 00:05:40,607 --> 00:05:41,773 So I'm going to just go... 170 00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:43,442 Robin, this is my mom, janice. 171 00:05:43,444 --> 00:05:44,976 Oh. Oh, honey, 172 00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:46,778 Oh. I'm so glad to finally meet you. 173 00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:48,480 Me too. I, I've heard so much about you. 174 00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:49,715 Me, too. Oh, here. 175 00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:51,650 Oh, um... Let me take your gift. 176 00:05:51,652 --> 00:05:53,018 Oh... 177 00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:55,287 Can I guess what it is? 178 00:05:55,289 --> 00:05:57,556 Is it a, a, a mini food processor? 179 00:05:57,558 --> 00:05:58,790 No. 180 00:05:58,792 --> 00:05:59,825 No? Oh. 181 00:05:59,827 --> 00:06:01,226 Oh, give me a hint. What color is it? 182 00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:03,628 Black. 183 00:06:03,630 --> 00:06:05,897 Well, I guess I'm just going 184 00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:07,032 To have to wait and see! 185 00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,967 Oh, great. 186 00:06:10,069 --> 00:06:11,503 Robin, um... 187 00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:12,537 This is my cousin margaret. 188 00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:14,639 Oh, finally, someone our own age! 189 00:06:14,641 --> 00:06:15,874 Lily: Wait, 190 00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:17,843 Do I introduce you as "cousin margaret" 191 00:06:17,845 --> 00:06:19,044 Or "sister margaret?" 192 00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:20,812 Well, I'm not officially confirmed as a nun 193 00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:22,013 Until next month 194 00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:22,814 And I don't want to tick off 195 00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:24,049 The big guy, 196 00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:25,317 So let's stick 197 00:06:25,319 --> 00:06:26,418 With "cousin" for now. 198 00:06:27,488 --> 00:06:28,553 God's watching. 199 00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,055 Excellent! 200 00:06:33,159 --> 00:06:35,927 Man, they spent a lot of money on this porno. 201 00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:38,497 Whoa... morgan freeman? 202 00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:40,532 Man, that guy's in everything everything. 203 00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:44,703 Aw, man, I grabbed the wrong deep impact! 204 00:06:44,705 --> 00:06:46,505 No, leave it in. It's a good movie. 205 00:06:46,507 --> 00:06:47,773 But, dude, there's no sex in it. 206 00:06:47,775 --> 00:06:49,074 Yeah, just like marriage. 207 00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:50,356 Huh? Right? 208 00:06:51,711 --> 00:06:53,044 Oh, oh, hey, 209 00:06:53,046 --> 00:06:54,446 Check this out! Don't ask how, 210 00:06:54,448 --> 00:06:57,616 But I procured for us five loco-bueno, 211 00:06:57,618 --> 00:07:00,552 Hand-rolled, highly illegal cubans. 212 00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:02,087 Seriously, you could go to jail 213 00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:03,054 For smoking these things. 214 00:07:03,056 --> 00:07:04,256 Marriage is like jail! 215 00:07:04,258 --> 00:07:05,538 Right, fellas?! 216 00:07:06,893 --> 00:07:10,362 But at least in jail, you get to have sex! 217 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,532 But we're not lighting these babies up 218 00:07:13,534 --> 00:07:15,767 Till we get to the a.C. 219 00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:16,735 A.C.? 220 00:07:16,737 --> 00:07:18,136 Um, atlantic city. 221 00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:19,471 Try to keep up, brad. 222 00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:23,408 We're not going to atlantic city. 223 00:07:23,410 --> 00:07:27,245 Just a second, brad. 224 00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:29,481 Hi. 225 00:07:29,483 --> 00:07:31,216 Hi. Um... 226 00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:32,984 We're still going to atlantic city, right? 227 00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:34,719 Oh, did I not tell you? 228 00:07:34,721 --> 00:07:36,655 Yeah, we switched it. We're going to foxwoods. 229 00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:38,323 Foxwoods? 230 00:07:38,325 --> 00:07:44,296 But I've got an ipperstray waiting in tlanticaay itycay. 231 00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:46,431 What the heck's in foxwoods? 232 00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:47,899 Well, we've got five third row seats 233 00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:49,668 To the popinski-salazar rematch. 234 00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:52,170 They've set aside our very own craps table, 235 00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:53,572 And I reserved a private room for us 236 00:07:53,574 --> 00:07:55,640 At connelly's, where the five of us are going 237 00:07:55,642 --> 00:07:56,975 To be sharing a 102-ounce steak 238 00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:59,244 From a cow that I picked out on the internet. 239 00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:01,079 Yeah. Great. 240 00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:02,414 The night's ruined. 241 00:08:02,416 --> 00:08:03,748 Sorry, barney. 242 00:08:03,750 --> 00:08:06,685 It was an honest mistake. 243 00:08:09,121 --> 00:08:11,156 Marshall: This is going to be great! 244 00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,258 Meat, violence, 245 00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:14,759 Throwing money down the toilet. 246 00:08:14,761 --> 00:08:16,761 America: 1; every other country: 0. 247 00:08:16,763 --> 00:08:18,296 Thanks, guys. 248 00:08:18,298 --> 00:08:19,298 Yeah. 249 00:08:19,299 --> 00:08:20,765 You okay, barney? 250 00:08:20,767 --> 00:08:21,867 What can I say, ted? 251 00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:23,168 You won. 252 00:08:24,103 --> 00:08:24,769 Hi. 253 00:08:24,771 --> 00:08:26,538 You one... 254 00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:28,540 Sad, pathetic loser. 255 00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:31,109 Boys, say hello to treasure. 256 00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:33,812 Boys: Hi, treasure. 257 00:08:33,814 --> 00:08:35,380 I can't believe that you did this. 258 00:08:35,382 --> 00:08:36,982 I had to. I'm your best man. 259 00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:38,183 Ted's my best man. 260 00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:39,684 You've yet to make a decision and that's fine. 261 00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:41,453 But as your best-man-to-be, 262 00:08:41,455 --> 00:08:43,522 It's my job to make sure at your bachelor party 263 00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:45,223 You see a woman take her clothes off 264 00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:48,059 While dancing to whitesnake's "here I go again." 265 00:08:51,298 --> 00:08:52,397 All right, fine, but... 266 00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:53,999 Let's make it fast, all right. 267 00:08:54,001 --> 00:08:55,467 The fight starts in an hour. We don't want to miss it. 268 00:08:55,469 --> 00:08:57,235 It's a girl taking her clothes off. 269 00:08:57,237 --> 00:08:58,537 How long can it take? 270 00:08:58,539 --> 00:09:00,238 It's a bit more complicated than that. 271 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:01,406 I need two grounded sockets, 272 00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:03,408 A large sterile pot filled with hot water 273 00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:05,450 And you all need to sign these releases. 274 00:09:09,081 --> 00:09:10,982 An egg beater! 275 00:09:10,984 --> 00:09:13,919 Aw, thank you, aunt sylvia! 276 00:09:13,921 --> 00:09:15,387 I love that it's cordless. 277 00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:17,422 Well, at least I got that part right. 278 00:09:18,424 --> 00:09:21,092 All of these gifts are so thoughtful. 279 00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:22,694 Robin: Lily? 280 00:09:22,696 --> 00:09:25,597 I need you to look at me right now and read my mind. 281 00:09:26,699 --> 00:09:28,433 Oh, my god! You're hearing me! 282 00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:29,501 Lily: Yeah! 283 00:09:29,503 --> 00:09:30,602 Sorry this party's so boring. 284 00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:31,770 What's up? 285 00:09:31,772 --> 00:09:34,372 Do not open my gift. 286 00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:35,941 See what I'm doing here? 287 00:09:35,943 --> 00:09:38,743 I'm looking over at the gift, 288 00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:40,211 Then back at you, 289 00:09:40,213 --> 00:09:43,014 And I'm shaking my head, "no." 290 00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:43,715 Gift. 291 00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:44,916 You. 292 00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,251 No. 293 00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:47,752 Are you getting that? 294 00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:49,521 I totally got it. 295 00:09:49,523 --> 00:09:50,088 Okay. 296 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,923 Hmm? 297 00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,858 Oh! 298 00:09:56,562 --> 00:09:58,797 Here you go. 299 00:09:58,799 --> 00:10:01,833 Lily said it was your time of the month. 300 00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:04,603 You're welcome. 301 00:10:10,076 --> 00:10:11,743 What are you doing? 302 00:10:11,745 --> 00:10:13,044 Oh, just, um... 303 00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:14,579 Rearranging the gifts. 304 00:10:14,581 --> 00:10:15,947 The pile looked a bit precarious. 305 00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:17,282 So... 306 00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:19,050 Oh, don't worry. I'll keep an eye on it. 307 00:10:19,052 --> 00:10:20,885 Great. 308 00:10:20,887 --> 00:10:22,120 You do that. 309 00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:24,682 You're gonna make a damn good nun. 310 00:10:28,094 --> 00:10:31,463 Ted: As many times as robin told this story over the years, 311 00:10:31,465 --> 00:10:32,764 She would never quite be able 312 00:10:32,766 --> 00:10:34,833 To explain the logic of her next move. 313 00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:43,908 Is this a strip show or a kiss concert? 314 00:10:43,910 --> 00:10:45,110 Shh! 315 00:10:45,112 --> 00:10:46,144 She's starting. 316 00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:48,947 Please turn off your cell phones, pagers 317 00:10:48,949 --> 00:10:49,848 And sense of shame. 318 00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:51,583 All right, boys. 319 00:10:51,585 --> 00:10:52,917 Lie back, 320 00:10:52,919 --> 00:10:55,887 Get comfortable, and enjoy the show. 321 00:11:00,426 --> 00:11:03,361 Of course there's no way I'm going to tell you about her show. 322 00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:04,929 So, let's skip ahead a little. 323 00:11:04,931 --> 00:11:06,531 Ow! 324 00:11:06,533 --> 00:11:08,867 Oh, my god, are you all right? 325 00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:10,769 No, I am not all right, you idiot. 326 00:11:10,771 --> 00:11:11,803 My ankle is broken! 327 00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:13,538 Take me to the hospital! 328 00:11:13,540 --> 00:11:14,639 Um, actually, we have tickets. 329 00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:17,509 You know what? 330 00:11:17,511 --> 00:11:18,777 Thanks a lot, barney. 331 00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:20,211 She told you at the beginning of the show 332 00:11:20,213 --> 00:11:22,480 Not to use the smoke machine when she's on the hippity hop. 333 00:11:22,482 --> 00:11:23,715 Now I'm going to have to spend the rest 334 00:11:23,717 --> 00:11:24,883 Of my bachelor party in a hospital. 335 00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:26,484 Well, hey, maybe we'll get to see her x-rays. 336 00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:28,687 The ultimate strip show. 337 00:11:28,689 --> 00:11:30,789 X-rays. More like triple x-rays. 338 00:11:30,791 --> 00:11:32,891 Just stop. 339 00:11:36,896 --> 00:11:38,029 Which exit's the hospital? 340 00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:39,864 What if she doesn't make it to the hospital? 341 00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:41,399 Barney, please calm down. 342 00:11:41,401 --> 00:11:42,867 Maybe we should just take her to the desert, 343 00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:44,903 Bury her and wash our hands of this whole thing! 344 00:11:44,905 --> 00:11:46,471 Dude, what is the matter with you? 345 00:11:46,473 --> 00:11:48,540 I'm just trying to illustrate to marshall that as his best man... 346 00:11:48,542 --> 00:11:50,475 You're not my best man. As his best man, 347 00:11:50,477 --> 00:11:52,343 I would help him bury a hooker in the desert. 348 00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:53,144 I'm not a hooker. 349 00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:54,379 And you're not my best man. 350 00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:55,647 You've ruined my bachelor party. 351 00:11:55,649 --> 00:11:57,415 I don't know why you wouldn't just listen to me 352 00:11:57,417 --> 00:11:58,416 When I said I didn't want this. 353 00:11:58,418 --> 00:12:00,251 Well, the fight started ten minutes ago. 354 00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:01,653 Maybe-maybe we should listen. 355 00:12:01,655 --> 00:12:03,988 Radio announcer: Oh, doctor, what a fight! 356 00:12:03,990 --> 00:12:06,057 That knockout will be talked about for years to come! 357 00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:08,226 Anyone lucky enough to be in the arena tonight 358 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,348 Just witnessed boxing history in the making! 359 00:12:12,064 --> 00:12:14,499 Thank you so much, margaret. 360 00:12:14,501 --> 00:12:16,434 I can't believe you carved that crucifix yourself. 361 00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:18,036 So talented. 362 00:12:18,038 --> 00:12:20,598 Didn't think you could carve. 363 00:12:22,908 --> 00:12:25,376 For you. 364 00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:27,645 Oh. And this one's from... 365 00:12:28,614 --> 00:12:29,581 Grandma lois. 366 00:12:29,583 --> 00:12:31,416 Grandma lois: Oh. No, wait, darling. 367 00:12:33,219 --> 00:12:36,421 Before you open this, I-I want to say a few words. 368 00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,223 Ted: Okay, something you need to know. 369 00:12:38,225 --> 00:12:40,759 Grandma lois thought she was giving her granddaughter 370 00:12:40,761 --> 00:12:42,894 An antique sewing machine. 371 00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:44,896 And we're back in. 372 00:12:44,898 --> 00:12:46,364 Honey, 373 00:12:46,366 --> 00:12:48,967 This handy little device has been 374 00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:51,636 In our family for generations. 375 00:12:51,638 --> 00:12:53,738 I used it. Your great grandmother used it. 376 00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:54,973 Now, 377 00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:57,242 Her mother didn't use this one, 378 00:12:57,244 --> 00:12:59,077 But she used one just like it. 379 00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:01,713 Of course, back then, they were made out of wood. 380 00:13:01,715 --> 00:13:03,748 And, uh, I guess before that, 381 00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:06,050 You just had to do it by hand. 382 00:13:06,052 --> 00:13:07,619 Would you pass the wine, please? 383 00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:09,387 No. 384 00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:11,422 Hey, marshall, 385 00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:13,124 While we're here, you may as well go down 386 00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:15,059 To the morgue and climb into a drawer, 387 00:13:15,061 --> 00:13:16,427 'cause that's what marriage is like. 388 00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:17,662 Can I get an amen? 389 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:21,499 Is everything all right at home, stuart? 390 00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:23,201 No. 391 00:13:31,611 --> 00:13:33,111 It's broken. 392 00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:34,846 Oh, damn it. This is bad. 393 00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:37,115 I really can't lose this job. 394 00:13:37,117 --> 00:13:40,018 My daughters are about to start school, 395 00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:42,587 And my fiancé, well... 396 00:13:42,589 --> 00:13:44,756 Ever since he got back from iraq, 397 00:13:44,758 --> 00:13:46,357 Pretty much all he does is drink. 398 00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:48,193 I think about leaving him, 399 00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:51,329 But I don't want my girls growing up without a dad 400 00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,364 Like I did. 401 00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:56,568 I don't want them to know what that's like. 402 00:13:59,872 --> 00:14:01,439 So, show time? 403 00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:02,974 What is the matter with you? 404 00:14:02,976 --> 00:14:04,475 Her ankle's broken. 405 00:14:04,477 --> 00:14:05,810 I know for a fact 406 00:14:05,812 --> 00:14:08,446 That the second half of her act takes place largely 407 00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:10,048 In a seated or supine position. 408 00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:11,783 Oh, that's true. 409 00:14:11,785 --> 00:14:14,719 Treasure, please, don't worry about the show. 410 00:14:15,287 --> 00:14:16,187 Uh, we'd feel bad. 411 00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:18,556 What does that mean? 412 00:14:18,558 --> 00:14:20,391 No. We just mean, uh, you're off the hook. 413 00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:21,826 You don't have to do it. 414 00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:23,828 I don't have to do it? Well, guess what? 415 00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:26,865 I know I don't have to do it. 416 00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:29,133 I do it because I am good at it. 417 00:14:29,135 --> 00:14:31,569 Look, I don't need your pity. 418 00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:33,872 All I want to do is give you a great show 419 00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,073 Because you're getting married! 420 00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:36,908 Is that so much to ask? 421 00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:40,411 Is that such a major inconvenience?! 422 00:14:41,648 --> 00:14:43,248 Oh. Wow. 423 00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:52,223 Oh, that is wrong. 424 00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:54,785 Oh, that's just so wrong. 425 00:14:56,262 --> 00:15:00,732 Well, the doctor did say for her to keep it elevated. 426 00:15:04,203 --> 00:15:05,536 When I was a girl, 427 00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:08,439 My mother taught me and my sister to use it. 428 00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:11,442 We used to have contests to see who could finish faster. 429 00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:12,944 It was so exciting. 430 00:15:12,946 --> 00:15:15,413 The whole family would gather around to watch. 431 00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:18,182 And when I was a new bride, 432 00:15:18,184 --> 00:15:21,185 This is what kept me busy all those long nights 433 00:15:21,187 --> 00:15:23,121 When your grandfather was in korea. 434 00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:24,222 Oh. 435 00:15:24,224 --> 00:15:25,890 Grandma lois: And speaking 436 00:15:25,892 --> 00:15:27,692 Of your grandpa, 437 00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:30,094 Though I don't think he'd care to admit this 438 00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:31,629 To any of his army buddies, but 439 00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:35,266 He'd have a go at it every once in a while. 440 00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:36,601 And he enjoyed it. 441 00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:39,437 Oh, 442 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:40,939 Open it up, sweetie. 443 00:15:40,941 --> 00:15:43,775 May this give for you as much joy as it's brought me. 444 00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:45,877 Oh, thank you. 445 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:10,168 Grandma, um... 446 00:16:11,070 --> 00:16:12,603 Wow. 447 00:16:12,605 --> 00:16:14,439 Well, take it out, honey. 448 00:16:14,441 --> 00:16:16,574 I want to show you how to use it. 449 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,444 Robin: Okay, no, no! 450 00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:20,745 Don't take it out. 451 00:16:20,747 --> 00:16:22,513 Lily, that's not your grandma's gift. 452 00:16:22,515 --> 00:16:23,848 It's mine. 453 00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:25,083 I panicked, and I switched 454 00:16:25,085 --> 00:16:28,252 The cards because I was embarrassed. 455 00:16:28,254 --> 00:16:29,554 Well, what is it? 456 00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:42,266 It's just like the one miranda gave to charlotte 457 00:16:42,268 --> 00:16:44,602 On sex and the city. 458 00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:45,970 Oh, I love that show. 459 00:16:45,972 --> 00:16:47,271 I always watch it on tbs. 460 00:16:47,273 --> 00:16:48,806 Janice: Oh, you would. 461 00:16:48,808 --> 00:16:50,375 You're such a samantha! 462 00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:52,310 Oh, I'm a carrie! You're a samantha! 463 00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:55,980 Ted: And then the night became 464 00:16:55,982 --> 00:16:58,282 A whole new kind of uncomfortable. 465 00:16:58,284 --> 00:16:59,951 So where do I get one of these? 466 00:16:59,953 --> 00:17:01,386 Mom! 467 00:17:04,056 --> 00:17:06,524 Man, what a show, huh? 468 00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,226 She did some disgusting stuff. 469 00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:09,894 Really sticks with you. 470 00:17:09,896 --> 00:17:12,530 I may be done eating. 471 00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:14,198 Me, too. 472 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,034 I mean, like, forever. 473 00:17:16,036 --> 00:17:18,069 Me, too. 474 00:17:18,071 --> 00:17:20,038 I miss my wife. 475 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:22,006 Barney: Hey, 476 00:17:22,008 --> 00:17:23,307 Let's go around the table 477 00:17:23,309 --> 00:17:25,043 And say what our favorite part was. 478 00:17:25,045 --> 00:17:27,078 Mine was that thing with the typewriter. 479 00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:28,379 I mean, 480 00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:31,049 She made some spelling mistakes, but still. 481 00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:32,517 Ooh, and you guys were all, 482 00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:34,085 "barney, put out the cigar! 483 00:17:34,087 --> 00:17:35,420 It's a non-smoking room!" 484 00:17:35,422 --> 00:17:37,922 And I was all, "hell, no, this is a cuban!" 485 00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:41,993 Of course, eventually, I did put it out. 486 00:17:41,995 --> 00:17:43,494 Did I put it out? 487 00:17:44,096 --> 00:17:45,596 I put it out. 488 00:17:45,598 --> 00:17:47,131 Did I put it out? 489 00:17:47,933 --> 00:17:49,600 I put it out. 490 00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:53,237 Did I put it out? 491 00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:55,106 Ted: It was a small fire, 492 00:17:55,108 --> 00:17:57,942 Not even big enough to force an evacuation of the hotel, 493 00:17:57,944 --> 00:18:00,078 But definitely big enough to get us kicked out, 494 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,513 And bring marshall's bachelor party to an early end. 495 00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:03,748 Is that...? 496 00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:06,751 It is. 497 00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:12,156 Hey, guys. 498 00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:16,694 How was the fight? 499 00:18:19,565 --> 00:18:21,532 Hey, what are you guys doing here? 500 00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:23,067 What happened to the bachelor party? 501 00:18:23,069 --> 00:18:24,569 We missed the fight, dinner was ruined, 502 00:18:24,571 --> 00:18:26,437 We spent half the night in the hospital, 503 00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:28,272 And got kicked out of the hotel. 504 00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:29,907 What do you think happened? Lily: Barney. 505 00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:31,209 Barney. 506 00:18:31,211 --> 00:18:33,711 Hey, I was just trying to be a good best man. 507 00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:35,480 You know what a best man does, barney? 508 00:18:35,482 --> 00:18:36,747 He does what the groom wants. 509 00:18:36,749 --> 00:18:38,583 But all you ever think about is what you want, 510 00:18:38,585 --> 00:18:39,917 What's best for you. 511 00:18:39,919 --> 00:18:41,252 Best man? I'm not even sure 512 00:18:41,254 --> 00:18:42,954 I'm inviting you to the wedding at this point. 513 00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:44,055 You don't mean that. 514 00:18:44,057 --> 00:18:45,423 Why should I invite you? 515 00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:47,658 You don't even want us to get married. 516 00:18:50,063 --> 00:18:51,796 That's not true. 517 00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:53,931 Lily, don't. 518 00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:55,333 What? 519 00:18:57,236 --> 00:18:58,970 I'm sorry, barney. 520 00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:01,672 It happened last summer when we were broken up. 521 00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:05,610 Hey, what are you guys talking about? 522 00:19:05,612 --> 00:19:06,911 Lily. 523 00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:08,679 Ah, I got to go. 524 00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:12,917 ♪ 525 00:19:12,919 --> 00:19:15,153 Newark airport, please. 526 00:19:22,528 --> 00:19:25,429 Yeah, yeah, yeah. "barney, what are you doing here?" 527 00:19:25,431 --> 00:19:27,098 "I can't believe it's really you. 528 00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:28,366 "Come in, have a seat. Do you want some tea? 529 00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:30,034 "I know the apartment's small, but I don't need much space. 530 00:19:30,036 --> 00:19:31,469 "Let me show you some of my paintings. 531 00:19:31,471 --> 00:19:33,037 "I think it's some of my best work ever." just stop it. 532 00:19:33,039 --> 00:19:34,805 Lily, you have to come home. 533 00:19:34,807 --> 00:19:36,941 You and marshall belong together. 534 00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:38,476 The two of you have something 535 00:19:38,478 --> 00:19:40,611 That most people search their whole lives for and never find. 536 00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:42,280 I know you love him, and if you knew 537 00:19:42,282 --> 00:19:43,814 What he was going through right now, 538 00:19:43,816 --> 00:19:45,783 You wouldn't be here for one more second. 539 00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:47,952 I bought you a ticket home. 540 00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:50,221 Marshall is one of the best people I know, 541 00:19:50,223 --> 00:19:52,390 And it won't be long until someone else realizes that, 542 00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:54,525 And you'll lose him forever. 543 00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,194 I can't stand the thought of that happening, 544 00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:58,196 And I cannot keep stealing chicks from him forever. 545 00:19:59,231 --> 00:20:00,798 Never, ever tell anyone I was here. 546 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,567 I will deny it tooth and nail. 547 00:20:02,569 --> 00:20:05,069 This trip never happened. 548 00:20:07,906 --> 00:20:10,408 Hey, if you had three hours to kill before your flight, 549 00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:12,710 What would you do... Alcatraz or fisherman's wharf? 550 00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:17,248 You really did that? 551 00:20:19,918 --> 00:20:22,553 Ted: Marshall, 552 00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,855 I think barney's your best man. 553 00:20:24,857 --> 00:20:27,091 Yeah. 554 00:20:27,093 --> 00:20:28,326 Yes, he is. 555 00:20:28,328 --> 00:20:29,994 See, lily? This is why I didn't... 556 00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:31,562 Really? 557 00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:33,097 Really. 558 00:20:33,099 --> 00:20:36,901 Real... In your face, loser! 559 00:20:37,704 --> 00:20:40,071 Take it easy, all right. 560 00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:41,405 Ted's still my best man, too. 561 00:20:41,407 --> 00:20:42,373 You guys are co-best men. 562 00:20:42,375 --> 00:20:43,407 Barney: Right. 563 00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:46,944 Yes, we're both best man. 564 00:20:46,946 --> 00:20:48,446 No, um, seriously. 565 00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:50,081 You guys are co-best men. 566 00:20:50,083 --> 00:20:52,483 Of course. 567 00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:59,490 Oh, I'm saying, I'm agreeing we'll both be best men. 568 00:21:02,127 --> 00:21:03,794 I can't believe you got me this. 569 00:21:03,796 --> 00:21:05,730 Oh, I only did it as a joke. 570 00:21:05,732 --> 00:21:07,732 I can return it for you if you want. 571 00:21:07,734 --> 00:21:09,233 Oh, no, it's okay. 572 00:21:09,235 --> 00:21:10,768 You don't have to go all the way back down there. 573 00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:12,270 I'll, I'll just throw it away. 574 00:21:12,272 --> 00:21:14,238 Well, I mean, if you're going to throw it away, 575 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:15,906 Maybe I'll take it in case I get invited 576 00:21:15,908 --> 00:21:16,874 To another wedding shower. 577 00:21:16,876 --> 00:21:18,042 It's a great gag gift. 578 00:21:18,044 --> 00:21:19,910 Yeah, it's really funny. 579 00:21:19,912 --> 00:21:23,047 You know who would get a kick out of it? Marshall. 580 00:21:23,049 --> 00:21:25,116 So, so maybe I'll just hold on to it. 581 00:21:25,118 --> 00:21:26,584 I would be embarrassed 582 00:21:26,586 --> 00:21:28,986 If marshall found out that I bought it for you, 583 00:21:28,988 --> 00:21:30,054 So I'd better just take it. 584 00:21:30,056 --> 00:21:31,656 Robin, leave it. 585 00:21:33,792 --> 00:21:37,161 Captioned by media access group at wgb access.Wgbh.Org