1 00:00:03,370 --> 00:00:04,636 Ted: Kids, there's more than one story of how I met your mother. 2 00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:06,271 You know the short version, 3 00:00:06,273 --> 00:00:07,973 The thing with your mom's yellow umbrella. 4 00:00:07,975 --> 00:00:09,808 But there's a bigger story. 5 00:00:09,810 --> 00:00:11,510 The story of how I became who I had to become 6 00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:13,112 Before I could meet her. 7 00:00:13,114 --> 00:00:15,781 And that story begins here. 8 00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:17,182 Dary! 9 00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:18,784 Legendary! 10 00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:21,020 Dude, I am so excited that you're single again. 11 00:00:21,022 --> 00:00:23,489 We are going to conquer new york city. 12 00:00:23,491 --> 00:00:25,791 I already have a girl from work lined up for you. 13 00:00:25,793 --> 00:00:27,793 Right boob bigger than the left boob, 14 00:00:27,795 --> 00:00:29,361 Which some choose to look at as bra half empty, 15 00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:31,630 I choose to look at as bra half full. 16 00:00:31,632 --> 00:00:33,298 I don't know. 17 00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:35,334 Robin and I broke up two weeks ago. 18 00:00:35,336 --> 00:00:37,002 I'm... I'm not ready. 19 00:00:37,004 --> 00:00:39,304 When will you be ready? 20 00:00:39,306 --> 00:00:41,540 It was a good question. 21 00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:43,042 After a big relationship ends, 22 00:00:43,044 --> 00:00:44,376 You need some time to recuperate. 23 00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:45,878 Robin took a trip to argentina, 24 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:47,546 And I went through my usual routine. 25 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,681 I grew my breakup beard. 26 00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:51,517 Ted mosby, suit up, 'cause here's the plan. 27 00:00:51,519 --> 00:00:53,018 There's a miss nassau county pageant. 28 00:00:53,020 --> 00:00:54,553 We'll pretend to be judges 29 00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:55,554 And, yes, our votes are for sale. 30 00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:57,523 I'm not ready. 31 00:00:57,525 --> 00:00:59,591 I repainted the apartment. 32 00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:02,394 Finish line of a women's 10k. 33 00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:04,263 Salty girls on an endorphin high 34 00:01:04,265 --> 00:01:06,532 Who just want to lie down. 35 00:01:06,534 --> 00:01:08,901 Yeah. I'm not ready. 36 00:01:08,903 --> 00:01:11,837 And the truth is, I was doing really good. 37 00:01:11,839 --> 00:01:14,273 Female acrobats from montreal. Hmm. 38 00:01:14,275 --> 00:01:17,509 Super flexible. We are going to get cirque de so-laid. 39 00:01:17,511 --> 00:01:19,044 What up? 40 00:01:19,046 --> 00:01:20,345 Barney, come on. We've covered this. 41 00:01:20,347 --> 00:01:21,347 Lynn: Robin! 42 00:01:21,348 --> 00:01:22,548 Hey, guys. 43 00:01:22,550 --> 00:01:24,249 I just got in last night. 44 00:01:26,186 --> 00:01:28,353 Um, uh, this is gael. 45 00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:29,922 Hola. 46 00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:31,824 Okay, I'm ready. 47 00:01:31,848 --> 00:01:39,848 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 48 00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:49,308 Ted: I just can't believe her. 49 00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:50,776 We have this totally amicable split, 50 00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:52,277 Everything's cool. 51 00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:54,079 And she comes back from vacation with that guy? 52 00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:55,447 You know what she's doing? 53 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:57,483 She's trying to win the breakup. 54 00:01:57,485 --> 00:02:00,486 What do you mean "win the breakup," old-timey inventor? 55 00:02:00,488 --> 00:02:02,955 What our 21st president, chester arthur, 56 00:02:02,957 --> 00:02:05,224 Is trying to say is that 57 00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:07,259 In every breakup there are winners and losers. 58 00:02:07,261 --> 00:02:09,094 It's not a competition. 59 00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:11,263 Now, your 80-day balloon race around the world, 60 00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:13,031 That was a competition. 61 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:14,833 That's my wife. 62 00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:16,969 Of course it's a competition, lil. 63 00:02:16,971 --> 00:02:19,505 How else do you explain... What's his name? 64 00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:20,906 Gael. 65 00:02:22,275 --> 00:02:24,610 I'm sorry, gayle? 66 00:02:24,612 --> 00:02:26,612 Gael. 67 00:02:26,614 --> 00:02:29,515 Kyle? 68 00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:31,783 Gael. 69 00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:34,086 Girl? 70 00:02:36,523 --> 00:02:37,956 It's pronounced "guy-el." 71 00:02:37,958 --> 00:02:39,424 It means "joyful." 72 00:02:39,426 --> 00:02:42,861 That is why I live my life by bringing joy, 73 00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:45,664 Good energy and happiness to others. 74 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:48,800 Especially those less fortunate that I. 75 00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:51,236 I'm sorry, so it's gayle? 76 00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,505 What a jerk. 77 00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:55,207 I don't go to your stupid country 78 00:02:55,209 --> 00:02:57,943 And try to seduce women with my sexy accent. 79 00:02:57,945 --> 00:03:00,746 That's a great point, persian nightclub owner. 80 00:03:01,447 --> 00:03:04,183 Oh, and he's a masseuse. 81 00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:07,553 With a massage, everything is connected. 82 00:03:07,555 --> 00:03:10,822 I can touch your foot, cleanse your kidney. 83 00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:12,057 I can touch your earlobe, 84 00:03:12,059 --> 00:03:15,194 And slow your heartbeat. 85 00:03:15,196 --> 00:03:18,330 One time, I used warm water to make a guy pee. 86 00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:20,499 Of course, I didn't make a career out of it. 87 00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:22,367 Career? 88 00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:23,802 Such an american idea. 89 00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:26,872 My career is living. Windsurfing. 90 00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:29,708 Making love. 91 00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,910 Sometimes at the same time. 92 00:03:31,912 --> 00:03:33,212 Barney: How? 93 00:03:33,214 --> 00:03:35,547 How would one do that exactly? 94 00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:39,184 Seriously, don't giggle. Tell me. 95 00:03:39,186 --> 00:03:40,519 Not possible. 96 00:03:40,521 --> 00:03:42,688 You cannot have sex on a windsurfing board. 97 00:03:42,690 --> 00:03:44,890 How do you know? Glad you asked, lily. 98 00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:47,726 I have crafted a list of every vehicle... 99 00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:49,561 Land-based, aquatic and airborne... 100 00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,730 In which/on which it's possible to have sex, 101 00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,765 And of those 33 vehicles, 102 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:56,602 I have had sex in/on 31. 103 00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:59,338 Windsurfing board, not on the list, not possible. 104 00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:02,274 Oh, p.S., in order to hit 33, all I need is 105 00:04:02,276 --> 00:04:05,410 Bobsled and the apollo 11 space capsule. 106 00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:08,213 To get that last one, you'd have to break into the smithsonian. 107 00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:10,716 This conversation never happened. 108 00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:14,219 All right, you're suited up, I'm bearded down. 109 00:04:14,221 --> 00:04:15,754 Let's get out there and win this thing. 110 00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:17,589 Yes! 111 00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,725 You guys, have fun on your double date. 112 00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:22,261 Oh, for the hundredth time, I'm sorry, there was a lull. 113 00:04:22,263 --> 00:04:24,029 And then we fell asleep on the beach 114 00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:25,564 While counting the stars. 115 00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:28,533 Do you want to have dinner with me? Uh, us? 116 00:04:29,469 --> 00:04:30,936 There was no lull. 117 00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:32,537 You just think he's incredibly hot. 118 00:04:32,539 --> 00:04:34,139 No, I don't! 119 00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:36,141 Not incredibly. 120 00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:38,543 It's a little hard to believe how hot he is. 121 00:04:38,545 --> 00:04:39,645 But, I mean, 122 00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:41,313 She's not serious about him. 123 00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:43,382 The girl never marries the hot guy. 124 00:04:43,384 --> 00:04:44,983 Well, you did. 125 00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:47,419 I'm one of the lucky few. 126 00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:49,788 Lily, ted is our best friend, 127 00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:50,989 So let's get something straight: 128 00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:53,725 Male gayle is not hot. 129 00:04:53,727 --> 00:04:55,727 He's not our friend. Don't even look at him. 130 00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:57,129 Just... No eye contact. 131 00:04:57,131 --> 00:04:59,564 So that night, as lily and marshall 132 00:04:59,566 --> 00:05:01,099 Did their best to hate gael... 133 00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:04,403 Hey, robin. Gael. 134 00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:06,338 Robin pulled me aside to check in. 135 00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:07,673 Now, I'm sure she meant the best, 136 00:05:07,675 --> 00:05:09,741 But she said the worst. 137 00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:12,277 I just want to make sure you're okay with this. 138 00:05:12,279 --> 00:05:14,613 "I just want to make sure you're okay with this"? 139 00:05:14,615 --> 00:05:17,115 Damn it! I can't believe she's the one that gets to say that. 140 00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:18,450 She's winning, isn't she? 141 00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:19,918 Not for long. 142 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,020 Okay, pep talk. Take a knee. 143 00:05:22,022 --> 00:05:24,690 Ted, tonight we're going to get you 144 00:05:24,692 --> 00:05:26,658 Someone way hotter than robin. 145 00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:29,094 Okay, robin's a ten. 146 00:05:29,096 --> 00:05:31,463 Fine, we'll get you a 12. 147 00:05:31,465 --> 00:05:32,931 Or, you know... 148 00:05:32,933 --> 00:05:34,766 Two sixes. 149 00:05:34,768 --> 00:05:36,468 Failing that, four threes. 150 00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:38,537 And break glass in case of emergency, 151 00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:40,672 We'll go to staten island, I'll get you 12 ones. 152 00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:43,842 Ted, my boy, I am going to re-teach you... 153 00:05:45,378 --> 00:05:47,512 Amy. Ted. 154 00:05:49,482 --> 00:05:51,616 Barney. 155 00:05:55,988 --> 00:05:58,123 Ted, we are back! 156 00:05:58,125 --> 00:06:00,392 Up here. 157 00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:03,362 Up high. 158 00:06:03,364 --> 00:06:06,198 Fivin' it up five-style! 159 00:06:07,333 --> 00:06:09,468 I'm sorry this is all so weird. 160 00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:11,069 Weird? Why would it be weird? 161 00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:12,838 Because you used to date our best friend 162 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:14,673 Or because my wife thinks 163 00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:16,641 Your new boyfriend is incredibly hot? 164 00:06:16,643 --> 00:06:18,510 I do not! Shut up! 165 00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:21,179 Oh, my god! 166 00:06:21,181 --> 00:06:23,215 I just hope ted's okay. 167 00:06:23,217 --> 00:06:24,516 Hmm. 168 00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:26,852 I hate to see you so tense. 169 00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:30,355 I mean, we had a really clean breakup, you know? 170 00:06:30,357 --> 00:06:32,190 We really acted like adults, 171 00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:33,925 So the last thing... oh! 172 00:06:38,598 --> 00:06:41,533 Gael, are you a properly licensed massage therapist? 173 00:06:41,535 --> 00:06:43,335 What? Are you legally 174 00:06:43,337 --> 00:06:45,837 Certified by some type of governing entity? 175 00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:48,507 I train for three years at an institute in buenos aires. 176 00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:50,075 I have a card. I can show you. 177 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:52,043 Is the card laminated? 178 00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:53,245 What do you mean "laminated"? 179 00:06:53,247 --> 00:06:55,514 Covered in protective plastic. 180 00:06:55,516 --> 00:06:57,516 Oh, yes. Damn it. 181 00:06:57,518 --> 00:06:59,484 He checks out. 182 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:02,788 Ted. Ted. 183 00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:05,424 Ted. Ted. 184 00:07:05,426 --> 00:07:07,692 What?! 185 00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:10,228 Let's bail. This place is dead. 186 00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:11,263 Yeah, you're right. 187 00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,697 We're both totally striking out. 188 00:07:12,699 --> 00:07:14,399 Exactly, plus, 189 00:07:14,401 --> 00:07:16,735 We're on a tight schedule. I've got this entire evening 190 00:07:16,737 --> 00:07:18,570 Perfectly planned out... Spoiler alert: 191 00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:20,305 Our last stop is an after-hours club 192 00:07:20,307 --> 00:07:22,808 So after hours, it's three days from now. 193 00:07:22,810 --> 00:07:24,276 What up. 194 00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:25,944 Are you blind? 195 00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,979 I'm making out with a 12. I am winning. 196 00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:29,581 Yeah, but I didn't get to help. 197 00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:31,383 So you're saying you want me to throw away 198 00:07:31,385 --> 00:07:34,052 A super hot girl just because you didn't help me get her? 199 00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:36,154 Apology accepted. Let's go. 200 00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:37,556 Who's the suit? 201 00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:39,458 This is barney. Barney, amy. 202 00:07:39,460 --> 00:07:41,092 I'm not gonna remember that. 203 00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:42,627 Now, if you'll excuse me, 204 00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:43,962 Random chick from earlier tonight, 205 00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:45,764 As you shall henceforth be known, 206 00:07:45,766 --> 00:07:47,966 Ted and I have a schedule to keep. 207 00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:50,669 Oh, well, you can check off 8:54, dress up like a dork 208 00:07:50,671 --> 00:07:51,837 And bother the cool kids. 209 00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:53,104 Beat it, nerd. 210 00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:55,807 Wow. Wow. 211 00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,175 Great stuff, tommy lee. 212 00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:58,643 See, what you don't understand is 213 00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,278 I'm ted's wingman. 214 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,614 It's a sacred bond, much stronger than any... 215 00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:03,815 They're making out again. 216 00:08:04,650 --> 00:08:06,451 Massage therapist. 217 00:08:06,453 --> 00:08:09,287 And you know what, "gayle"? 218 00:08:09,289 --> 00:08:11,356 Your piece of chicken looks a little tense to me. 219 00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:16,695 Oh, oh, does that feel good, mr. Chicken? 220 00:08:16,697 --> 00:08:18,196 Well, guess what? 221 00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:19,998 I didn't wash my hands. 222 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,333 Got him. 223 00:08:23,269 --> 00:08:24,769 Lily! 224 00:08:24,771 --> 00:08:27,305 We carry so much ancient emotion 225 00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:28,940 In our neck and shoulders. 226 00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:31,710 Things we should have let go of years ago. 227 00:08:31,712 --> 00:08:34,579 I forgive you, mom. 228 00:08:35,648 --> 00:08:38,316 Lily, we are ted's best friends. 229 00:08:38,318 --> 00:08:40,218 Our job is to hate that guy. 230 00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:42,687 Oh, yeah, that's... That's what I was doing. 231 00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:45,957 I was just building him up so a few minutes later, 232 00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:48,760 I could totally cut him down. 233 00:08:50,496 --> 00:08:52,631 Weren't you wearing a bra? 234 00:08:53,733 --> 00:08:55,700 The night was going great. 235 00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,802 Amy was cool and dangerous. 236 00:08:57,804 --> 00:08:59,304 She found a friend for barney. 237 00:08:59,306 --> 00:09:00,405 She even paid for drinks... 238 00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:02,474 Sort of. 239 00:09:02,476 --> 00:09:04,042 They know us here. 240 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,310 You're gonna get us in trouble. 241 00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:06,811 Tell me something. 242 00:09:06,813 --> 00:09:08,480 Do you ask your tailor to leave extra room 243 00:09:08,482 --> 00:09:11,550 In the crotch for your huge vagina? 244 00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:16,721 You... Your vagina... 245 00:09:17,924 --> 00:09:19,391 Ted, this chick is crazy. 246 00:09:19,393 --> 00:09:20,759 We're leaving. Good idea. 247 00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:22,360 Let's all go back to my place. 248 00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:24,029 Your place? Uh, thanks but no thanks, 249 00:09:24,031 --> 00:09:26,698 1994 courtney love. 250 00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,733 I have a hot tub. 251 00:09:29,835 --> 00:09:32,470 Okay, this is actually pretty nice. 252 00:09:34,373 --> 00:09:36,942 I like your tatts. 253 00:09:36,944 --> 00:09:39,411 Thanks, you can play with them if you want. 254 00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:41,893 They're a hundred percent real. 255 00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:44,883 No, your tatts... Toos, your tattoos. 256 00:09:46,853 --> 00:09:48,753 Thanks. 257 00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,055 You should get one. 258 00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:52,791 Wrong. Ted has a classic, clean-cut look 259 00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:54,092 That never goes out of style 260 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:57,062 Season after season, burn. 261 00:09:57,064 --> 00:09:59,798 Yeah? Well, I think he would look hot with some ink. 262 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,866 No, he wouldn't. Yes, he would. 263 00:10:01,868 --> 00:10:02,968 No, he wouldn't. 264 00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:05,403 Yuh-huh. Nuh-uh. 265 00:10:05,405 --> 00:10:07,072 I'm ready to do anything you want, by the way. 266 00:10:07,074 --> 00:10:09,808 Anything. Right now. 267 00:10:11,143 --> 00:10:13,445 Ted, who are you gonna side with on this tattoo thing? 268 00:10:13,447 --> 00:10:15,814 I think I'd look way hot with some ink. 269 00:10:15,816 --> 00:10:17,115 Yeah, you would. Yeah. 270 00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:21,419 Oh, my god! Tyler? 271 00:10:21,421 --> 00:10:22,887 Mommy! Daddy! 272 00:10:22,889 --> 00:10:25,156 She's back! 273 00:10:25,158 --> 00:10:28,159 Damn it. They're supposed to be in the hamptons. Run! 274 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,998 Sorry. I used to nanny 275 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:34,766 For those jerks before they fired me. 276 00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:36,735 So unfair. Unfair? 277 00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:38,770 I wouldn't let you take care of the imaginary kids 278 00:10:38,772 --> 00:10:40,672 I make up to score with single moms. 279 00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:41,906 That's it, ted. 280 00:10:41,908 --> 00:10:42,807 We're going home. 281 00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:45,944 Ted? 282 00:10:45,946 --> 00:10:49,080 Ted, you okay? 283 00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:51,483 Hello, ted. Robin and I are about to make 284 00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:54,152 Fantastic aquatic sex on this windsurfing board. 285 00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:56,855 And I just want to make sure you're okay with this. 286 00:11:00,826 --> 00:11:02,160 Okay, how do we do this? 287 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:05,296 I think your leg goes up, up... 288 00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:06,931 Okay, how about if I, um... 289 00:11:06,933 --> 00:11:08,199 No, mine... 290 00:11:08,201 --> 00:11:09,834 I'm okay. 291 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:12,303 In fact, here's how okay I am. 292 00:11:12,305 --> 00:11:14,139 I'm getting a tattoo. 293 00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:16,541 You're not getting a tattoo. It's not you. 294 00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:19,778 Ted, you are heading down a dark path. 295 00:11:20,980 --> 00:11:23,148 That dark path is my driveway. 296 00:11:23,150 --> 00:11:25,316 But you need a plan 297 00:11:25,318 --> 00:11:26,785 And you need a wingman! 298 00:11:26,787 --> 00:11:29,788 This is so going in my blog! 299 00:11:31,490 --> 00:11:33,958 Want to have sex? 300 00:11:34,827 --> 00:11:37,495 Okay. 301 00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:39,464 Ted: And underneath, 302 00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:41,966 It should say, "I win." 303 00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:44,569 And then it should have flames coming out the bottom. 304 00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:46,004 Fire! 305 00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:47,906 We should start a fire. 306 00:11:47,908 --> 00:11:49,808 After this maybe. 307 00:11:49,810 --> 00:11:52,310 Oh, man, this is going to be legend. 308 00:11:52,312 --> 00:11:53,545 Wait for it. 309 00:11:53,547 --> 00:11:55,213 And that's all I remember. 310 00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:57,916 The next morning, I woke up alone back home. 311 00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:21,906 Hey, buddy, how was your night? 312 00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,942 You know, it was great. 313 00:12:23,944 --> 00:12:26,911 I met this crazy girl. I almost got a tattoo. 314 00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:28,046 Don't worry. 315 00:12:28,048 --> 00:12:29,914 I didn't, but it was... 316 00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:31,349 It was amazing. 317 00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:34,352 I think it's safe to say I am winning this breakup. 318 00:12:36,021 --> 00:12:38,181 Look. 319 00:12:38,924 --> 00:12:39,591 Oh, my god. 320 00:12:39,593 --> 00:12:40,593 What? 321 00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,060 Nothing. 322 00:12:42,062 --> 00:12:43,595 This j. Crew catalog. 323 00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:46,698 Who brings two golden retrievers in a canoe? 324 00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:50,034 : We got to call barney. 325 00:12:50,036 --> 00:12:52,103 Way ahead of you. 326 00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:54,105 Hey, guys, what's the big emergency? 327 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,740 Oh, and b the w: 328 00:12:55,742 --> 00:12:57,442 I am never speaking to ted again. 329 00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:58,977 Mm. Really? Never? 330 00:12:58,979 --> 00:13:02,113 Not even if, say, butterflies flew out of his ass? 331 00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,548 What? 332 00:13:04,718 --> 00:13:06,117 Ted? 333 00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:07,085 Could you grab me 334 00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:09,154 The fondue pot? 335 00:13:10,890 --> 00:13:12,650 He has no idea. 336 00:13:13,592 --> 00:13:14,793 Mm-hmm. 337 00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:17,929 And up we go. 338 00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:20,231 Marshall: Thank you. 339 00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:21,566 Mm-hmm. 340 00:13:21,568 --> 00:13:22,600 What? 341 00:13:22,602 --> 00:13:24,435 Ted? Mm? 342 00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:27,105 I came here this morning because... 343 00:13:27,107 --> 00:13:29,140 I want to apologize. 344 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,975 Apology accepted, barney. 345 00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:33,945 As you can see, I do just fine on my own. 346 00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:35,613 I don't need a baby-sitter. 347 00:13:35,615 --> 00:13:37,248 Barney: See, all this time, 348 00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:39,184 I thought you needed a wingman to fly, 349 00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:40,652 But the truth is, you... 350 00:13:40,654 --> 00:13:42,620 You've got your own wings now. 351 00:13:42,622 --> 00:13:44,155 Ted: Mm. 352 00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:46,357 Since you and robin split, you've been gestating. 353 00:13:47,627 --> 00:13:49,961 Growing in your cocoon. 354 00:13:49,963 --> 00:13:52,096 And last night... 355 00:13:52,098 --> 00:13:55,300 You burst out of that cocoon like a... 356 00:13:55,302 --> 00:13:58,036 Like a majestic, uh... 357 00:13:58,038 --> 00:14:01,306 Gosh, what is it that comes out of a cocoon? 358 00:14:01,308 --> 00:14:03,641 I was always bad at science. 359 00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:05,210 He's going to say it! 360 00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:06,811 A butterfly? 361 00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:10,648 What? 362 00:14:10,650 --> 00:14:11,683 Nothing, buddy. 363 00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:14,185 Ow! Why did that hurt so...? 364 00:14:16,155 --> 00:14:17,322 Ooh. Ooh. 365 00:14:19,059 --> 00:14:20,925 Ted: Oh, my god! 366 00:14:22,027 --> 00:14:24,696 I have a tattoo! 367 00:14:24,698 --> 00:14:26,197 Oh, that's not a tattoo. 368 00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,533 That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp. 369 00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:30,702 A tramp stamp. 370 00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:32,203 You know, a ho tag. 371 00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:33,538 Ass antlers. 372 00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:35,807 A panama city license plate. 373 00:14:35,809 --> 00:14:38,676 Ted: And suddenly, it all came back to me. 374 00:14:38,678 --> 00:14:39,978 Dary! 375 00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:41,446 Legendary! 376 00:14:42,815 --> 00:14:45,850 Man, I am so winning this breakup. 377 00:14:45,852 --> 00:14:49,654 Mm. I just broke up with my boyfriend steve. 378 00:14:49,656 --> 00:14:51,522 He was totally annoying. He was, like, 379 00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:53,591 "I think you're the one. I want to marry you." 380 00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:54,759 What a wuss. 381 00:14:54,761 --> 00:14:56,194 Do you think 382 00:14:56,196 --> 00:14:57,829 Exes can be friends? 383 00:14:57,831 --> 00:14:59,330 Yeah, sure. 384 00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:01,532 I mean, we're still friends, right, steve? 385 00:15:01,534 --> 00:15:04,002 Hey, your name is steve. 386 00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:05,870 And her 387 00:15:05,872 --> 00:15:07,305 Ex-boyfriend's name is steve. 388 00:15:08,540 --> 00:15:10,708 What are the odds of that...? 389 00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:12,410 Wait. 390 00:15:14,214 --> 00:15:16,547 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 391 00:15:16,549 --> 00:15:17,882 Give me this. 392 00:15:17,884 --> 00:15:19,217 Aah, aah, aah, aah! 393 00:15:19,219 --> 00:15:20,551 Oh, yeah, that'll get it out. 394 00:15:20,553 --> 00:15:22,353 Maybe you should try club soda. 395 00:15:22,355 --> 00:15:24,555 Ow. Damn it, it really hurts. I need, like, 396 00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:25,590 Some ointment or something. 397 00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:27,091 What's this? 398 00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:29,827 Spanish massage oil. 399 00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:33,131 Spanish massage oil? 400 00:15:34,566 --> 00:15:37,535 What happened here last night? 401 00:15:39,738 --> 00:15:42,974 Last night got weird. 402 00:16:10,235 --> 00:16:12,236 Feel the emotions release. 403 00:16:12,238 --> 00:16:16,975 : Think I just got over being chunky in the ninth grade. 404 00:16:16,977 --> 00:16:20,144 You're beautiful. 405 00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:23,014 I am beautiful. 406 00:16:24,783 --> 00:16:26,851 Experience your food. 407 00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:29,220 ♪ 408 00:16:31,357 --> 00:16:32,991 Try the mango. 409 00:16:36,428 --> 00:16:38,663 Okay, that's enough of the fruit. 410 00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:41,766 We're sorry, ted. 411 00:16:41,768 --> 00:16:42,867 It'll never happen again. 412 00:16:42,869 --> 00:16:44,502 It meant nothing to us. 413 00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:46,270 It just felt really, really, really good. 414 00:16:46,272 --> 00:16:48,806 Oh! I can't even look at you two right now. 415 00:16:48,808 --> 00:16:49,808 Ted... 416 00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:55,646 He got a tramp stamp. 417 00:17:05,391 --> 00:17:08,026 All right, first of all, this isn't one of those, 418 00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:10,895 "I came all the way over here because I want you back" things. 419 00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:12,797 There'll be no startling confession of love, 420 00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:14,365 No sweet indie rock song that swells up 421 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,667 Just as we're about to kiss, none of that crap. Got it? 422 00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:18,202 Okay. Good. 423 00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:19,837 Now, here's the thing. 424 00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:21,172 It sucks that you came back from argentina 425 00:17:21,174 --> 00:17:23,074 With someone as awesome as gael. 426 00:17:23,076 --> 00:17:25,376 And I know I have no right to be upset at you. 427 00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:27,245 We're broken up. Life goes on. Whatever. 428 00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:28,746 But you know what? We-we never did this. 429 00:17:28,748 --> 00:17:30,481 We-we had this polite breakup 430 00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:32,083 With no irrational yelling, and... 431 00:17:32,085 --> 00:17:33,751 And that's just wrong! 432 00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:35,586 So, I'm going to yell irrationally for a little while, 433 00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:37,188 And you're just going to have to stand there 434 00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:38,589 And deal with it, okay? 435 00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:40,191 If you feel like you need to do that, then... 436 00:17:40,193 --> 00:17:41,225 I think I do! 437 00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:42,727 I really think I do! 438 00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:45,897 So now I'm yelling! 439 00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:47,932 You shaved. I did! 440 00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:51,436 I liked the beard. I liked it, too, but it was getting kind of hot! 441 00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:54,572 Maybe in the winter, I'll grow it back out! 442 00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:57,408 Okay, I'm done. 443 00:17:57,410 --> 00:18:00,411 I know it was weird showing up with gael. 444 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,246 I'm sorry. 445 00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:06,084 Look, us breaking up... It was the right thing. 446 00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:09,020 But it took some time to get over you, you know? 447 00:18:09,022 --> 00:18:10,388 I-I'm still getting over you. 448 00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:11,789 But you? You were over it 449 00:18:11,791 --> 00:18:13,891 The minute they started the in-flight movie. 450 00:18:13,893 --> 00:18:15,093 Over it?! 451 00:18:15,095 --> 00:18:16,627 My first three days in argentina, 452 00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:18,129 I cried my eyes out. 453 00:18:18,131 --> 00:18:19,464 I missed you 454 00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:21,099 So much. 455 00:18:21,101 --> 00:18:24,035 I wanted to go and prove how adventurous I am, 456 00:18:24,037 --> 00:18:26,637 But the truth is... It was really lonely. 457 00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:29,107 And that's why gael happened. 458 00:18:29,109 --> 00:18:32,276 You weren't trying to win the breakup? 459 00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:34,946 I was trying to survive it. 460 00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:37,582 Okay. 461 00:18:37,584 --> 00:18:38,783 No. 462 00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:41,452 See, look, that all sounds good, and 463 00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:43,788 We'll still be friends and move on, but... 464 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:45,289 Did he have to be so hot? 465 00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:47,425 The guy's an adonis. 466 00:18:47,427 --> 00:18:48,659 He's not an adonis. 467 00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:50,561 He's the cadillac of rebound guys. 468 00:18:50,563 --> 00:18:51,996 Marshall has a crush on him! 469 00:18:51,998 --> 00:18:53,631 The guy's perfect. 470 00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:54,499 He's not perfect. 471 00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:55,967 Oh, come on. 472 00:18:55,969 --> 00:18:59,103 He's hot. He windsurfs. He massages things. 473 00:18:59,105 --> 00:19:01,305 Name one way I'm better than that guy. 474 00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:03,341 You're bigger. 475 00:19:03,343 --> 00:19:04,976 Don't patronize me. If anything, 476 00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:06,310 He may even be a little bit taller. 477 00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:09,347 No. Ted... You're bigger. 478 00:19:10,349 --> 00:19:11,315 I win! 479 00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:14,852 Ted: Kids, I can't remember exactly 480 00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:16,988 What helped me get through the whole robin-gael incident. 481 00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:20,158 I'm sure that it was something profound and meaningful, 482 00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,693 And not at all macho and petty, 483 00:19:22,695 --> 00:19:25,429 But after that, I was back on my feet. 484 00:19:25,431 --> 00:19:29,333 And what followed was a new era in my life, a crazy time 485 00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:31,469 Unlike anything that came before. 486 00:19:31,471 --> 00:19:33,538 It's funny looking back at those days, 487 00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:37,008 Knowing now exactly what I was heading towards 488 00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:41,779 And what was heading towards me. 489 00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:45,783 ♪ Somebody hold me... 490 00:19:50,223 --> 00:19:52,123 Go for barney. 491 00:19:52,125 --> 00:19:54,358 Hey, man, it's marshall. 492 00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:55,726 Check your e-mail. 493 00:19:55,728 --> 00:19:56,961 Sent you something. 494 00:19:56,963 --> 00:19:58,229 What is it? 495 00:19:58,231 --> 00:19:59,564 Just a new web site. 496 00:19:59,566 --> 00:20:02,033 Slapcountdown.Com. 497 00:20:04,971 --> 00:20:06,737 What does this mean? 498 00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:09,373 M-marshall? 499 00:20:09,375 --> 00:20:11,209 Ma... 500 00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:18,549 No. 501 00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:22,286 No!