1
00:00:01,368 --> 00:00:03,369
Ted: It was Saturday
night in new york city,

2
00:00:03,371 --> 00:00:05,170
And the young metropolitan set

3
00:00:05,172 --> 00:00:06,839
Was out on the town,
living the kind

4
00:00:06,841 --> 00:00:09,608
Of crazy lifestyle you can
only find in the big apple.

5
00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:11,143
97. 97.

6
00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:12,978
98. 98.

7
00:00:12,980 --> 00:00:14,613
99. 99.

8
00:00:14,615 --> 00:00:16,315
100!

9
00:00:17,451 --> 00:00:18,784
Lily: A hundred?

10
00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:19,818
We only got to 82

11
00:00:19,820 --> 00:00:20,886
On our honeymoon.

12
00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:22,187
Lily: So, robin?

13
00:00:22,189 --> 00:00:24,156
Mm? I've got a guy for you.

14
00:00:24,158 --> 00:00:26,692
Oh? He's cute. He's funny.
He's smart.

15
00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:28,560
What's his "but"?
What do you mean?

16
00:00:28,562 --> 00:00:30,562
When someone wants
to set you up,

17
00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:32,297
They always tell you
their good qualities first,

18
00:00:32,299 --> 00:00:33,899
But then they leave out
their huge flaw.

19
00:00:33,901 --> 00:00:36,368
She's totally hot
and really fun.

20
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,170
Barney:
But she has a dead tooth.

21
00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:41,306
She's super-hot,
and she's so successful.

22
00:00:41,308 --> 00:00:42,674
But she has a pug

23
00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:44,676
That she pushes around
in a stroller.

24
00:00:44,678 --> 00:00:47,479
She's so cute,
and she's so smart.

25
00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:48,981
But her last boyfriend

26
00:00:48,983 --> 00:00:51,016
Had to get a restraining
order against her,

27
00:00:51,018 --> 00:00:53,419
And then his cat and new vacuum
cleaner both went missing.

28
00:00:53,421 --> 00:00:54,553
Wow!

29
00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:55,821
Set it up!

30
00:00:55,823 --> 00:00:56,922
I'm still convinced

31
00:00:56,924 --> 00:00:58,357
She killed my turtle.

32
00:00:58,359 --> 00:01:00,692
Hey, you know what?
Not every setup has a "but."

33
00:01:00,694 --> 00:01:02,494
What about, um, jamie, that girl

34
00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:04,563
That lily set you up with? Yeah.

35
00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:06,065
She was really nice. If memory
serves me, she had a huge "but."

36
00:01:06,067 --> 00:01:07,199
Her huge butt.

37
00:01:07,201 --> 00:01:08,767
Nailed it!

38
00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:10,102
Yeah.

39
00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:12,171
Well, there's nothing wrong
with this guy.

40
00:01:12,173 --> 00:01:13,705
He's really nice,
and he's really cute...

41
00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:14,840
But?

42
00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:16,241
Fine.

43
00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:17,910
But he has a kid.

44
00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:19,244
Oh! Aha! There it is!

45
00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:21,046
Robin's not going out
with a guy with a kid.

46
00:01:21,048 --> 00:01:23,882
But the guy is really great,
and his kid's sweet.

47
00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:25,184
He's in my class.

48
00:01:25,186 --> 00:01:26,852
It doesn't matter.
Robin hates kids.

49
00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:28,087
I don't hate kids.

50
00:01:28,089 --> 00:01:29,455
Marshall: You told me

51
00:01:29,457 --> 00:01:31,423
Even when you were a kid,
you hated kids.

52
00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:32,925
Robin, will you watch

53
00:01:32,927 --> 00:01:34,359
Cartoons with me?

54
00:01:34,361 --> 00:01:36,195
I go to school all week.

55
00:01:36,197 --> 00:01:37,096
Can't I just have

56
00:01:37,098 --> 00:01:38,464
Five minutes to myself

57
00:01:38,466 --> 00:01:40,999
To read highlights
and drink my juice?

58
00:01:42,435 --> 00:01:44,369
Okay, yes, kids are
not my favorite thing

59
00:01:44,371 --> 00:01:46,238
In the world, but I like them.

60
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,207
Well, you don't want
to have them.

61
00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:50,275
I like sports cars,
but it doesn't mean

62
00:01:50,277 --> 00:01:52,945
I want to push a ferrari
through my vagina.

63
00:01:52,947 --> 00:01:54,646
Shotgun.

64
00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:57,149
You can't blame us for thinking
that the kid would be a problem.

65
00:01:57,151 --> 00:01:59,218
I mean, if we were friends
with garfield,

66
00:01:59,220 --> 00:02:01,286
We wouldn't set him up
on a date with mondays.

67
00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:02,788
Nice.

68
00:02:02,790 --> 00:02:04,490
You know what? The kid
is not a problem.

69
00:02:04,492 --> 00:02:05,624
I want to meet this guy.

70
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:06,959
Okay. That's awesome! Yeah.

71
00:02:06,961 --> 00:02:09,061
Hey, what's my "but"?

72
00:02:09,063 --> 00:02:10,496
You know, I'm a...

73
00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:13,232
I'm really nice, but...

74
00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:15,134
Ted:
But she's afraid of commitment.

75
00:02:15,136 --> 00:02:16,735
Lily: But she's a gun nut.

76
00:02:16,737 --> 00:02:18,570
Barney: But she's canadian.

77
00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:20,305
Marshall: But she didn't
like field of dreams.

78
00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:21,473
I can't think of...

79
00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:23,375
You don't have a "but."

80
00:02:23,399 --> 00:02:31,399
ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA
PSArips.com

81
00:02:38,925 --> 00:02:39,992
Barney: Okay.

82
00:02:39,994 --> 00:02:42,161
I've got it.
Here. Put on this eye patch.

83
00:02:42,163 --> 00:02:43,529
Why?

84
00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:46,765
The ultimate ice-breaker.

85
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:49,935
A bunch of cobras got loose
in central park.

86
00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:52,204
You and I are jogging...

87
00:02:52,206 --> 00:02:54,606
Training for the death valley
iron man.

88
00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:56,475
No big deal.
We do it every year.

89
00:02:56,477 --> 00:02:57,609
Mm-hmm. Suddenly,

90
00:02:57,611 --> 00:03:00,179
We see these snake bastards

91
00:03:00,181 --> 00:03:02,881
Sneaking towards a little baby.

92
00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:04,483
Not on our watch.

93
00:03:04,485 --> 00:03:05,517
You grab the kid,

94
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:08,020
I strangle six cobras

95
00:03:08,022 --> 00:03:10,489
With my bare hands.

96
00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:15,360
Women of new york,
one at a time, please.

97
00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:17,196
So what are the eye patches for?

98
00:03:17,198 --> 00:03:19,831
We got bit. On the eye?

99
00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:21,867
Yes.

100
00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:23,168
Both of us?

101
00:03:23,170 --> 00:03:24,536
They're different eyes.

102
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,805
I don't know see
why this bumps you.

103
00:03:26,807 --> 00:03:29,308
Patch up!

104
00:03:29,310 --> 00:03:31,877
Ted: So robin went on
a date with george,

105
00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:34,046
The guy with the kid,
and afterwards...

106
00:03:34,048 --> 00:03:35,347
Okay, here's the thing.

107
00:03:35,349 --> 00:03:36,381
George is

108
00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:37,516
A great guy.

109
00:03:37,518 --> 00:03:39,084
We had a wonderful date.

110
00:03:39,086 --> 00:03:40,352
But?

111
00:03:40,354 --> 00:03:43,055
Great. And... I can't
wait to meet him.

112
00:03:43,057 --> 00:03:44,389
"Can't wait to meet him"?

113
00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:45,691
Why did I say that?

114
00:03:45,693 --> 00:03:47,726
I don't want to meet his kid.
Well, you knew

115
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:49,394
You'd meet him sooner or later.

116
00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:51,196
Oh. I was just hoping for later,

117
00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:52,598
Like in 20 years

118
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,600
When I'm a cougar and
he's as hot as his dad.

119
00:03:54,602 --> 00:03:56,001
Robin, what's the big deal?

120
00:03:56,003 --> 00:03:57,202
He's just a kid.

121
00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:59,037
He's not going to bite.

122
00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:00,205
He may bite.

123
00:04:00,207 --> 00:04:01,773
We're working on biting.

124
00:04:01,775 --> 00:04:03,442
Why is this kid around anyway?

125
00:04:03,444 --> 00:04:04,910
Shouldn't he be with his mom?

126
00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:07,045
I mean, what kind of lawyer
does this guy have

127
00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:10,249
If he has to take care
of the kid all the time?

128
00:04:10,251 --> 00:04:11,383
A good one.

129
00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:12,684
He won full custody.

130
00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:15,187
He won?! He won?

131
00:04:15,189 --> 00:04:18,490
Oh, god, getting the kid
is winning, isn't it?

132
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,927
Don't tell anyone I said that.

133
00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:23,195
Mm. No.

134
00:04:23,197 --> 00:04:25,397
I'm going out
buying eye patches.

135
00:04:25,399 --> 00:04:27,266
What are you doing
to help score chicks?

136
00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:29,601
Okay, I'm going to let you in
on a little secret.

137
00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:31,303
People with real game
don't need eye patches.

138
00:04:31,305 --> 00:04:34,239
Oh. Theodore.

139
00:04:34,241 --> 00:04:35,474
No, no, no.

140
00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:38,110
You can't spell "game"
without "me,"

141
00:04:38,112 --> 00:04:41,780
And me has the best game.

142
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:42,881
Yeah, well,

143
00:04:42,883 --> 00:04:45,050
I got so much game,
I'm cornish game hen.

144
00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:48,453
Oh, yeah? I'm the new york state
gaming commissioner.

145
00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:49,788
Well, I'm the game.

146
00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:51,423
Well-crafted,
keep-you-guessing thriller

147
00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:52,924
Starring michael douglas
and sean penn.

148
00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:54,293
Wow.

149
00:04:54,295 --> 00:04:57,129
Wow. You're here

150
00:04:57,131 --> 00:04:59,431
And not in stall two.

151
00:04:59,433 --> 00:05:00,433
Yeah. So?

152
00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:03,001
I may have made some

153
00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:05,604
Wildly inappropriate
homoerotic comments

154
00:05:05,606 --> 00:05:08,073
To a gentleman
wearing your shoes.

155
00:05:09,475 --> 00:05:10,809
Okay, marshall? Yes.

156
00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:13,312
Which one of us has more game?

157
00:05:14,347 --> 00:05:16,615
Neither of you guys
has any game, right?

158
00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:18,884
Or else you'd
be married, like me.

159
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,085
What?

160
00:05:20,087 --> 00:05:21,486
If dating is the game,

161
00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:23,755
Then marriage
is winning the game.

162
00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:26,525
Yeah. If you're playing
in the women's league.

163
00:05:26,527 --> 00:05:27,659
Marshall: You're joking.

164
00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:29,494
I have mad game, brah.

165
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:31,663
Okay, one:

166
00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:33,799
We agreed not
to ever say "brah" anymore.

167
00:05:33,801 --> 00:05:36,935
It was a good week,
we had a lot of fun,

168
00:05:36,937 --> 00:05:38,370
But it's over.

169
00:05:38,372 --> 00:05:41,540
Two: You've been
with lily for 11 years.

170
00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:42,808
Your idea of good game

171
00:05:42,810 --> 00:05:44,710
Is slapping on a dr. Seuss hat

172
00:05:44,712 --> 00:05:47,346
And flashing two tickets
to a spin doctors concert.

173
00:05:47,348 --> 00:05:49,381
Ted: Yeah, I hate
to say it, buddy,

174
00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:51,450
But, uh, you're kind of
irrelevant.

175
00:05:51,452 --> 00:05:53,218
What? I am not irrelevant.

176
00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:54,386
I know tons of stuff.

177
00:05:54,388 --> 00:05:55,787
I can help you guys.

178
00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:57,856
I don't want to be left out.

179
00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:00,192
Ted, you do not have
more game than me.

180
00:06:00,194 --> 00:06:01,393
By sheer numbers

181
00:06:01,395 --> 00:06:02,527
Alone, I win.

182
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:04,363
Come on, dude.
You've seen my list.

183
00:06:04,365 --> 00:06:06,231
You guys want to hear one
of my lines?

184
00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:07,499
First of all, I did not ask
to see that list,

185
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:09,167
And I am still horrified.

186
00:06:09,169 --> 00:06:10,202
And true game

187
00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:12,337
Is about quality, not quantity,

188
00:06:12,339 --> 00:06:15,340
And a quality girl would pick me
over you any day.

189
00:06:15,342 --> 00:06:16,641
Are you a model?

190
00:06:16,643 --> 00:06:18,643
That one's good
because it's flattering.

191
00:06:18,645 --> 00:06:20,145
To the girl.

192
00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:22,013
Ted,

193
00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:26,418
I challenge you
to a picking up girls olympiad.

194
00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:28,220
Fine. There will be 26 events

195
00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:29,388
Spread out over 11 weeks.

196
00:06:29,390 --> 00:06:30,989
We will travel to a neutral city

197
00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:32,858
Where a panel
of international judges...

198
00:06:32,860 --> 00:06:34,393
Or we could just choose a girl,

199
00:06:34,395 --> 00:06:36,561
And the first one
to seal the deal wins?

200
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:37,563
That's good, too. Mm-hmm.

201
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:40,265
How about her?

202
00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:41,700
You're on.

203
00:06:41,702 --> 00:06:43,902
Before we start,

204
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:46,037
Why don't we jot down
a few basic ground rules?

205
00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:48,173
Okay, great.
Rule ♪1: No eye patches

206
00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:49,808
Or props of any...

207
00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:52,411
Marshall: One time,

208
00:06:52,413 --> 00:06:55,280
I was with this girl,
and I tried that model line,

209
00:06:55,282 --> 00:06:57,783
And I totally got
some over-the-shirt boob action

210
00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:59,684
In the "just say no" assembly.

211
00:06:59,686 --> 00:07:00,786
Man, just stop.

212
00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:02,754
You're bumming everybody out.

213
00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:06,792
Rule number two...

214
00:07:06,794 --> 00:07:08,693
This bet is
for one million dollars.

215
00:07:10,596 --> 00:07:12,631
I win. How?

216
00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:13,765
Oh, I slept with her.

217
00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,033
About a year ago.

218
00:07:15,035 --> 00:07:15,967
I just forgot.

219
00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:17,936
Oh, well, that doesn't count.

220
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:19,971
The bet started
the moment we shook.

221
00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:22,707
But I can't sleep
with her again. She hates me.

222
00:07:22,709 --> 00:07:23,942
Oh. Interesting.

223
00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:26,111
Look who just took
a commanding lead.

224
00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:28,146
Now with you out of the picture,
I can take my sweet time.

225
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:31,583
Ted, she's leaving.
Get out of my way.

226
00:07:31,585 --> 00:07:32,818
By the look

227
00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:35,720
Of those shoes, here
comes your bathroom buddy.

228
00:07:41,260 --> 00:07:44,362
Look who's got game.

229
00:07:46,666 --> 00:07:48,767
So, you're a big
kids person, huh?

230
00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:50,235
Only the biggest ever.

231
00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:51,603
I think kids are

232
00:07:51,605 --> 00:07:52,938
So great,

233
00:07:52,940 --> 00:07:55,140
Especially, um, the little ones.

234
00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:57,742
You know, uh... Pudgy,

235
00:07:57,744 --> 00:07:59,778
Can't sit up,
don't have teeth yet.

236
00:07:59,780 --> 00:08:02,347
You mean babies?
Yeah, I like that kind.

237
00:08:02,349 --> 00:08:04,583
Well, doug's almost six, so...

238
00:08:04,585 --> 00:08:05,684
Oh, six is great.

239
00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:07,419
Oh, you are going to love six.

240
00:08:07,421 --> 00:08:10,355
Six is when they, uh,
they really start to, um...

241
00:08:11,257 --> 00:08:13,758
I hate kids.

242
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:14,993
Excuse me. What?

243
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:16,761
I mean, I don't hate kids.

244
00:08:16,763 --> 00:08:18,463
I'm-I'm just not a kid person.

245
00:08:18,465 --> 00:08:21,132
I mean, yeah, it's cute that
their shoes are real little,

246
00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:23,735
But beyond that,
what's the draw?

247
00:08:24,303 --> 00:08:26,371
You must think I'm nuts.

248
00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:27,506
What? No, no, no. I...

249
00:08:27,508 --> 00:08:28,874
So you don't like kids, so what?

250
00:08:28,876 --> 00:08:29,808
And I'm not looking

251
00:08:29,810 --> 00:08:31,376
For a mother for doug.

252
00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:34,212
Uh, why don't we just hold off
on you meeting him?

253
00:08:34,214 --> 00:08:35,380
Yeah.

254
00:08:35,382 --> 00:08:37,148
Let's take things slow.

255
00:08:37,150 --> 00:08:39,651
Ted: And kids, that's
exactly what she did.

256
00:08:39,653 --> 00:08:42,521
Then, on a totally different day

257
00:08:42,523 --> 00:08:44,723
That was definitely not
the next morning,

258
00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:47,459
Aunt robin had to face
her worst fear.

259
00:08:50,730 --> 00:08:52,197
Hey, what's up?

260
00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:53,532
It's here, lily.

261
00:08:53,534 --> 00:08:54,966
It's looking at me.

262
00:08:55,835 --> 00:08:57,869
The kid. What do I do?

263
00:08:57,871 --> 00:08:59,538
Just talk to him.
You can do this, robin.

264
00:08:59,540 --> 00:09:00,705
Who are you?

265
00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:03,875
Um, I'm robin.

266
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:04,910
That's a bird's name.

267
00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:06,044
Ah, no, it's not.

268
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:07,812
It's actually a type of bird.

269
00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:11,082
My friend patrick has a parakeet
named robin, so there.

270
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:13,218
Do you want to talk
in morse code?

271
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:14,920
Dude, I'm-I'm just reading
my paper, so...

272
00:09:14,922 --> 00:09:15,887
Beep.

273
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,255
Beep-beep-beep.

274
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:18,557
Beep.

275
00:09:18,559 --> 00:09:20,959
Beep. Beep...!

276
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:25,030
I'm starving.
Will you make me cereal?

277
00:09:25,032 --> 00:09:27,566
Sure.

278
00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:28,833
What are you doing?
You're supposed

279
00:09:28,835 --> 00:09:30,035
To pour the milk first.

280
00:09:30,037 --> 00:09:31,736
What?! No, you pour
the cereal first

281
00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:32,938
So you know
how much milk you need.

282
00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:34,706
It tastes better milk first!

283
00:09:34,708 --> 00:09:37,542
It all tastes the same
once it's in the bowl.

284
00:09:37,544 --> 00:09:39,377
Why are you wearing
my dad's pants?

285
00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:41,313
Milk first it is.

286
00:09:42,715 --> 00:09:44,382
What are you reading?

287
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:46,117
The business section.

288
00:09:46,119 --> 00:09:48,019
The fed's going
to lower rates again

289
00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:49,721
To bail out
these sub-prime lenders.

290
00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:51,256
Bunch of idiots.

291
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:54,025
Ms. Aldrin says it's not nice
to call people names.

292
00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:55,894
Well, maybe
if they weren't such idiots,

293
00:09:55,896 --> 00:09:57,929
I wouldn't have
to call them that.

294
00:09:57,931 --> 00:10:00,298
That's what I said.

295
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:01,600
You're pretty cool.

296
00:10:01,602 --> 00:10:03,501
You, too.

297
00:10:04,770 --> 00:10:07,105
Ted: Meanwhile, stacey and
I had started dating.

298
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,040
Oh, stacey was the girl
from the bar.

299
00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:11,142
Anyway, I was close
to winning the bet

300
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:13,078
When something
unexpected happened.

301
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,480
I started to really like her.

302
00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:16,748
Well, have fun in yoga.

303
00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:17,983
She's strengthening her core.

304
00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:19,618
I think that's going to be good.

305
00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:21,386
Yeah? All right.

306
00:10:21,388 --> 00:10:23,455
After a while, crocodile.

307
00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:26,459
You see this?

308
00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:27,959
Game face.

309
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:30,095
Whatever, ted. Oh.

310
00:10:30,097 --> 00:10:30,929
Get this.

311
00:10:30,931 --> 00:10:32,430
She plays bass

312
00:10:32,432 --> 00:10:33,798
In a reggae band.

313
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,934
They're having a show
this Friday.

314
00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:37,068
How cool is that?

315
00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:38,937
Oh, does she know that one song?

316
00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:41,339
♪ Mm-mm, chaka, mm-mm, chaka.

317
00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:42,807
What's that song called?

318
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:46,611
Oh, right.
It's called every reggae song.

319
00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:47,946
I am not irrelevant. What?

320
00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:49,314
I ran the numbers.

321
00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:52,150
If lily and I have sex
twice a week,

322
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:54,152
Which let's be honest, we all
know is being conservative,

323
00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:55,654
And we've been together

324
00:10:55,656 --> 00:10:57,088
For ten years,

325
00:10:57,090 --> 00:11:00,291
Plus 17 more times
on the honeymoon,

326
00:11:00,293 --> 00:11:02,994
Minus the two-week drought
when I said the checker

327
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:05,096
At the grocery store
reminded me of a young lily,

328
00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:08,166
Then we have had sex
a total of...

329
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,502
Wait for it... Nice.

330
00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:13,571
1,053-1/2 times.

331
00:11:14,473 --> 00:11:15,774
My mom called once.

332
00:11:15,776 --> 00:11:17,208
But that's more times
than barney

333
00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:19,778
Has ever had sex,
and to your point, ted,

334
00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:21,212
Lily is a quality girl.

335
00:11:21,214 --> 00:11:22,514
I win.

336
00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:24,115
Lawyered.

337
00:11:25,985 --> 00:11:27,519
Doesn't count.

338
00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:29,220
It totally counts.

339
00:11:29,222 --> 00:11:30,689
You're right. It does count.

340
00:11:30,691 --> 00:11:31,623
It counts as one.

341
00:11:31,625 --> 00:11:33,224
You've had sex once.

342
00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:34,526
How was it?

343
00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:39,064
I still matter.

344
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:42,967
Okay, ted, go win the bet.

345
00:11:42,969 --> 00:11:45,837
You have my blessing.
She's a wonderful girl.

346
00:11:45,839 --> 00:11:47,505
I should know.

347
00:11:47,507 --> 00:11:48,707
Oh, okay.

348
00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:50,408
Okay, I see what you're doing.

349
00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:53,545
We've never shared a woman,
have we, ted?

350
00:11:53,547 --> 00:11:54,579
Isn't that funny?

351
00:11:54,581 --> 00:11:55,714
You're with her now.

352
00:11:55,716 --> 00:11:57,215
I was with her a year ago.

353
00:11:57,217 --> 00:12:00,018
You figure, for her,
that's like 200 showers ago.

354
00:12:00,020 --> 00:12:01,753
You've got to ask yourself, ted,

355
00:12:01,755 --> 00:12:03,555
"is 200 enough?"

356
00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:05,557
You know what?

357
00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:06,758
I don't mind.

358
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,193
No, of course you don't mind.

359
00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:10,195
Just like the second guy
to climb

360
00:12:10,197 --> 00:12:12,230
Mount everest didn't mind
getting all the way to the top

361
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:14,899
Only to find
sir edmund hillary's flagpole

362
00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:17,168
Thrust into its supple peak.

363
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:19,370
No, I'm sure when
you're with her,

364
00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:21,239
I'll be the furthest thing
from your mind.

365
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,408
Kissing what I've already
kissed,

366
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:26,411
Nuzzling what
I've already nuzzled,

367
00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:28,046
Going

368
00:12:28,048 --> 00:12:31,716
On what I've already gone on.

369
00:12:31,718 --> 00:12:34,119
Barney, I'm not afraid

370
00:12:34,121 --> 00:12:36,254
Of catching your cooties, 'kay?

371
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,590
Really?
Ted's not afraid of cooties?

372
00:12:38,592 --> 00:12:40,759
No. Okay, well, then I guess
you'd have no problem

373
00:12:40,761 --> 00:12:42,460
Having a sip
of my gin and tonic.

374
00:12:42,462 --> 00:12:44,629
Fine.

375
00:12:48,902 --> 00:12:51,636
And I only stirred that
with my pinky.

376
00:12:53,706 --> 00:12:56,574
Guess who loves robin.

377
00:12:56,576 --> 00:13:00,278
Kids. Kids love robin.

378
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,113
Doug thinks I'm pretty cool.

379
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,448
Really, that's great!

380
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:06,284
You and george,
all thanks to me.

381
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:08,386
Yeah, I'm going to have
to break up with him.

382
00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:09,420
What?

383
00:13:09,422 --> 00:13:10,789
Well, it's just...

384
00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:12,924
It's getting a little bit
too serious with the kid.

385
00:13:12,926 --> 00:13:14,159
You know, it's just not

386
00:13:14,161 --> 00:13:15,727
What I'm looking for.

387
00:13:15,729 --> 00:13:19,197
So better I break it off now
before he gets too attached.

388
00:13:19,832 --> 00:13:20,832
What?

389
00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:23,468
I hate to tell you this, but...

390
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:25,203
Too late.

391
00:13:27,973 --> 00:13:30,608
He drew it in class today.

392
00:13:30,610 --> 00:13:32,710
Oh, crap.

393
00:13:36,582 --> 00:13:39,117
There's no way
that's a picture of me.

394
00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:40,785
That woman has on hoop earrings.

395
00:13:40,787 --> 00:13:43,154
I don't even own hoop earrings.

396
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:44,656
I have one pair
and they're gold.

397
00:13:44,658 --> 00:13:45,857
Those are fruit loops.

398
00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:47,692
You are so in denial right now

399
00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:50,762
And you're doing what you always
do in relationships:

400
00:13:50,764 --> 00:13:54,165
The second you get close
to a guy, you want to bail.

401
00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:55,967
Okay, granted, he's six,

402
00:13:55,969 --> 00:13:57,202
But the point stands.

403
00:13:57,204 --> 00:13:59,971
Well, we'll ask the guys.

404
00:13:59,973 --> 00:14:01,806
They'll tell you that's not me.

405
00:14:01,808 --> 00:14:03,041
That's totally you.

406
00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:04,976
Wh... You guys are crazy.

407
00:14:04,978 --> 00:14:06,611
Hey, who drew
the picture of robin?

408
00:14:06,613 --> 00:14:07,679
It's not me.

409
00:14:07,681 --> 00:14:08,847
You're joking, right?

410
00:14:08,849 --> 00:14:10,849
It's not me! "my new mommy."

411
00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:12,884
Kind of has a nice ring to it.

412
00:14:12,886 --> 00:14:15,520
Hey, now that you're a mom,
are you going to start wearing

413
00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:17,455
Those totally awesome jeans
that go right up to your boobs?

414
00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:19,624
Do you guys really
think this is me?

415
00:14:19,626 --> 00:14:21,025
Honey, it's you.

416
00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:22,527
And if you're going
to break up with george,

417
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:24,696
You have to break up
with his kid, too.

418
00:14:24,698 --> 00:14:25,797
Really?

419
00:14:25,799 --> 00:14:27,565
Yeah, you can't
just abandon him.

420
00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:29,000
You have to talk to him.

421
00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:31,236
Come on, robin, you know

422
00:14:31,238 --> 00:14:32,503
It's the right thing to do.

423
00:14:32,505 --> 00:14:34,239
Oh, man.

424
00:14:34,241 --> 00:14:37,108
Doug was right:
You are a pain in the ass.

425
00:14:38,344 --> 00:14:40,879
So I had a really
nice time tonight.

426
00:14:40,881 --> 00:14:42,046
Me, too.

427
00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:44,148
Yeah? Mm-hmm.

428
00:14:45,384 --> 00:14:48,219
Barney: Hey, ted,
pucker up all you want,

429
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,989
But I was here first.

430
00:14:58,998 --> 00:15:01,566
Barney: From this
spot, I also launched

431
00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:05,003
An expedition
to those two large ridges

432
00:15:05,005 --> 00:15:07,071
Down there.

433
00:15:17,683 --> 00:15:19,717
Ted?

434
00:15:19,719 --> 00:15:22,921
Something wrong?

435
00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:26,891
Hey, doug.

436
00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:28,226
Are you here to see my dad?

437
00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:29,427
He's taking a shower.

438
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,930
Actually, I came to see you.

439
00:15:31,932 --> 00:15:33,064
I wrote a poem.

440
00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:34,532
Do you want to hear it?

441
00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:35,700
Sure. Why not?

442
00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:37,702
"To my new mommy.

443
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,738
"You are pretty.

444
00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:42,407
"You are nice.

445
00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:44,709
And you smell like daisies."

446
00:15:44,711 --> 00:15:46,110
Aw, that is so sweet.

447
00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:48,212
: Even though it doesn't rhyme.

448
00:15:48,214 --> 00:15:50,381
Look, uh, doug.

449
00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:53,284
There's no good way
to say this, uh...

450
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:55,620
Aunt robin didn't know
what to say.

451
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:58,122
This kid has never been
dumped before.

452
00:15:58,124 --> 00:15:59,891
But then she realized...

453
00:15:59,893 --> 00:16:02,627
This kid had never
been dumped before.

454
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:04,829
She could use every cliché
in the book.

455
00:16:04,831 --> 00:16:06,130
We need to talk.

456
00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:08,232
I just think, um,

457
00:16:08,234 --> 00:16:10,401
We both could use
some space right now.

458
00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:12,470
It's not you. It's me.

459
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:15,473
I know this hurts,
but you deserve someone better.

460
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:19,143
I'm just really trying to focus
on my career right now.

461
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:20,645
You know?

462
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,680
I just hope we can
still be friends.

463
00:16:28,954 --> 00:16:30,621
Hi. I'm brooke.

464
00:16:30,623 --> 00:16:32,490
I'm here for my date
with george.

465
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:33,758
You must be

466
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:35,526
The babysitter.

467
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:42,200
I had so much coffee earlier.

468
00:16:42,202 --> 00:16:43,935
I need to run to the loo,
but hey, dougie.

469
00:16:47,706 --> 00:16:49,273
What the hell was that?

470
00:16:49,275 --> 00:16:51,509
That was my new mommy.

471
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:55,380
So... This picture is not of me?

472
00:16:55,382 --> 00:16:57,648
Why would I draw
a picture of you?

473
00:16:57,650 --> 00:16:58,816
Wha...?

474
00:16:58,818 --> 00:17:01,185
How many dates has she
been on with your dad?

475
00:17:01,187 --> 00:17:02,286
Two.

476
00:17:02,288 --> 00:17:03,388
I've been on, like, five

477
00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:04,822
And you like her better?

478
00:17:04,824 --> 00:17:06,724
We just really connected.

479
00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:08,026
And what about me?

480
00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:10,328
You think I just go around
pouring cereal

481
00:17:10,330 --> 00:17:11,729
For every boy in town?

482
00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:14,732
Why are you getting
so upset, roberta?

483
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:17,135
Robin. My name is robin.

484
00:17:17,137 --> 00:17:19,137
Like the bird, remember?

485
00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:21,372
Whatever.

486
00:17:21,974 --> 00:17:23,474
So that's it, huh?

487
00:17:24,076 --> 00:17:27,045
Look, you're great, but...

488
00:17:27,047 --> 00:17:29,447
Yeah. There's always a "but."

489
00:17:30,482 --> 00:17:31,883
Well, I couldn't do it.

490
00:17:31,885 --> 00:17:33,351
I broke up with her.

491
00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:34,852
Thanks a lot, by the way.

492
00:17:34,854 --> 00:17:36,354
A beautiful, sexy girl

493
00:17:36,356 --> 00:17:38,656
And all I could think about
was you being there first.

494
00:17:38,658 --> 00:17:41,459
You were stuck in my head
like a chumbawamba song.

495
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,929
Which chumbawamba song?

496
00:17:46,098 --> 00:17:49,100
Well, what an interesting
turn of events.

497
00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:51,069
It looks like I'm going to win.

498
00:17:51,071 --> 00:17:53,438
What do you mean "win"?
You couldn't even talk to her.

499
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,206
You tried and you got slapped.
Mm-hmm.

500
00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:56,207
That's what you think happened.

501
00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:57,275
Okay, great, rule ♪1:

502
00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:59,577
No eye patches
or props of any...

503
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:01,746
Here's the deal: My friend just
got dumped, so he's a little shy,

504
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:04,015
But he'd love to buy you
a drink and get to know you.

505
00:18:04,017 --> 00:18:05,917
The problem is, he thinks a pretty girl
like you won't go for a guy like him.

506
00:18:05,919 --> 00:18:07,752
So would you slap me across
the face so he can see

507
00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:09,087
You're not into guys
who'd feed you lines?

508
00:18:09,089 --> 00:18:09,954
What do you say? For my friend?

509
00:18:09,956 --> 00:18:11,823
You are so sweet.

510
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:14,258
So now, whatever nice things

511
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:15,760
Ted does for her, in her mind,

512
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,595
I'm the guy who's even
nicer than him.

513
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:18,930
So you never slept with her?

514
00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:20,932
Not even at all.

515
00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:23,067
Wow, that's good.

516
00:18:23,069 --> 00:18:24,268
It gets better.

517
00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:25,803
Remember ted's phone
conversation?

518
00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:27,271
Well, have fun in yoga.

519
00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:28,673
Well...

520
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:31,275
I am... Sorry.

521
00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:32,877
Stacey, right?

522
00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:35,780
Yeah... Oh, you're ted's
friend from the bar, right?

523
00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:38,116
Yeah. Wait, don't tell me
you go to yoga here, too.

524
00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:39,150
I do.

525
00:18:39,152 --> 00:18:42,053
She plays bass in a reggae band.

526
00:18:42,055 --> 00:18:44,455
And then I'm going to head
out to a reggae concert.

527
00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:45,423
I'm a huge fan of reggae.

528
00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:46,824
Oh, my gosh!

529
00:18:46,826 --> 00:18:48,659
I play in a reggae band.

530
00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:49,661
No way.

531
00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:51,462
I wonder why ted didn't
tell me about that.

532
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:53,631
Like I said,
I'm a huge reggae fan.

533
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:56,134
Well... I should go inside.

534
00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:57,635
After a while, crocodile.

535
00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:59,270
See you later, allig...
See you later, allig...

536
00:18:59,272 --> 00:19:00,972
We are two peas.

537
00:19:02,275 --> 00:19:03,975
Wow, well, take care.

538
00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:06,878
Um, namaste.

539
00:19:12,284 --> 00:19:14,185
You are a sociopath.

540
00:19:14,187 --> 00:19:15,753
That was my yoga mat.

541
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:18,623
So now with ted
out of the picture,

542
00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:20,525
I'm going to swoop in
and win the whole thing.

543
00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:23,961
Why? Parce que j'ai le jeu,
mes chiennes.

544
00:19:23,963 --> 00:19:25,663
Translation:

545
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:28,499
"'cause I got game, bitches."

546
00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:31,169
No. No, this doesn't
prove anything because...

547
00:19:31,171 --> 00:19:32,436
hold on a second.

548
00:19:32,438 --> 00:19:34,138
It's stacey.

549
00:19:34,140 --> 00:19:35,873
Hey, stace?

550
00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:37,441
What happened?

551
00:19:38,143 --> 00:19:40,111
He did not!

552
00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:41,846
Stay there.

553
00:19:41,848 --> 00:19:43,614
I'll be right over.

554
00:19:45,484 --> 00:19:49,020
I should've just worn
that stupid eye patch.

555
00:19:50,689 --> 00:19:53,391
Oh, I can't believe you got
dumped by a six-year-old.

556
00:19:53,393 --> 00:19:56,394
Whatever. He's a stupid-head.

557
00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:58,196
I'm just... I'm done with kids.

558
00:19:58,198 --> 00:20:01,199
Of course, robin eventually
made her peace with kids.

559
00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:03,167
And as you guys know,
she went on to appear

560
00:20:03,169 --> 00:20:06,003
In some very important
works of art: Yours.

561
00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:07,905
♪ Well, things are changing
quite a bit ♪

562
00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:10,308
♪ I don't know
how it's come to this ♪

563
00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:12,543
♪ I thought that
we were better off ♪

564
00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:14,745
♪ We're worse
than sitting on the fence ♪

565
00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:16,948
♪ Can't keep crying
about the way... ♪

566
00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:26,190
Hey.

567
00:20:26,192 --> 00:20:27,758
You know, I really appreciate

568
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:30,061
How cool you've been
about us taking things slow.

569
00:20:31,231 --> 00:20:32,730
Since ted, you know, I...

570
00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:34,432
I don't really want
to get physical too fast.

571
00:20:34,434 --> 00:20:37,568
That's what makes you
so special, baby.

572
00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:39,570
Anyway, I am so psyched

573
00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:41,372
To be playing
sunsplash tomorrow.

574
00:20:41,374 --> 00:20:43,341
We go on sometime
between 11:00 and 6:00,

575
00:20:43,343 --> 00:20:47,063
So you probably want to get there
before 9:00 just to be safe.

576
00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:50,114
Oh, and it's gonna be muddy.

577
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,887
♪

578
00:20:56,889 --> 00:20:58,923
♪ Jump up, jump up,
and turn around ♪

579
00:20:58,925 --> 00:21:01,425
♪ Work your body now
up and down ♪

580
00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:03,694
♪ Jump up, jump up,
and turn around ♪

581
00:21:03,696 --> 00:21:05,763
♪ To the rhythm
that's going round ♪

582
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:08,599
♪ Come on, come on
and dance with me... ♪