1 00:00:01,601 --> 00:00:05,137 Ted: Kids, back in the fall of 2007, I was dating this girl named... 2 00:00:05,139 --> 00:00:06,372 Oh, god, what was her name? 3 00:00:06,374 --> 00:00:07,806 It's been 23 years, 4 00:00:07,808 --> 00:00:09,608 I can't remember all this stuff. 5 00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:10,976 For the sake of the story, let's call her... 6 00:00:10,978 --> 00:00:12,311 Everyone, this is blahblah. 7 00:00:12,313 --> 00:00:14,113 Please, call me blah. 8 00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:17,616 So, blah, how did you two meet? 9 00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:19,618 Well, I was taking this cooking class, 10 00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:22,654 French fusion, and everyone already had a partner, 11 00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:24,890 But then I looked up and across a crowded room, 12 00:00:24,892 --> 00:00:26,725 I saw ted. 13 00:00:26,727 --> 00:00:27,826 It was magical. 14 00:00:27,828 --> 00:00:30,462 It was so magical. 15 00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:32,464 Except it wasn't. 16 00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:35,334 She's going to tell some bogus story about a cooking class 17 00:00:35,336 --> 00:00:37,803 Because she's embarrassed we met online. 18 00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:39,705 Ai chihuahua! What? 19 00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:41,473 What? There's no stigma anymore. 20 00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:43,008 Oh, there's a stigma. 21 00:00:43,010 --> 00:00:45,344 That's why people always say, "there's no stigma anymore." 22 00:00:45,346 --> 00:00:46,745 So, she's hot? 23 00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:47,813 Oh, she's gorgeous. 24 00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:48,815 Then she's crazy. 25 00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:50,349 No, she's not. 26 00:00:50,351 --> 00:00:52,317 Ted, the only hot girls that troll the internet 27 00:00:52,319 --> 00:00:55,554 For dudes are crazy, hookers, or dudes. 28 00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:56,922 Okay, she's not crazy. 29 00:00:56,924 --> 00:00:57,990 She's not a hooker. 30 00:00:57,992 --> 00:00:59,525 She's not a dude. 31 00:00:59,527 --> 00:01:02,194 There's this guy I pass on my way to work every day 32 00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:04,763 Who's all three... scares the crap out of me. 33 00:01:04,765 --> 00:01:06,331 There is no way she is above the line 34 00:01:06,333 --> 00:01:07,699 On the hot/crazy scale. 35 00:01:07,701 --> 00:01:09,268 She's not even on the hot/crazy scale. 36 00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:10,369 She's just hot. 37 00:01:10,371 --> 00:01:12,204 Wait. "hot/crazy scale"? 38 00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:13,739 Let me illustrate. 39 00:01:14,541 --> 00:01:16,108 A girl is allowed to be crazy 40 00:01:16,110 --> 00:01:20,012 As long as she is equally hot. 41 00:01:20,014 --> 00:01:21,580 Thus, if she's this crazy, 42 00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:23,582 She has to be this hot. 43 00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:24,716 If she's this crazy, 44 00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:26,652 She has to be this hot. 45 00:01:27,854 --> 00:01:30,456 You want a girl to be above this line, 46 00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:33,525 Also known as the vickie mendoza diagonal. 47 00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:36,361 This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. 48 00:01:36,363 --> 00:01:38,564 She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. 49 00:01:38,566 --> 00:01:42,367 She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. 50 00:01:42,369 --> 00:01:44,269 I should give her a call. 51 00:01:44,293 --> 00:01:52,293 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 52 00:01:57,317 --> 00:01:58,584 Okay, so please, 53 00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:00,052 Just play along with her fake story. 54 00:02:00,054 --> 00:02:02,054 We met in a cooking class. 55 00:02:02,056 --> 00:02:03,555 I don't know, ted. 56 00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:05,090 I don't know if I can just play along 57 00:02:05,092 --> 00:02:07,392 With your crazy girlfriend's fake story. 58 00:02:07,394 --> 00:02:09,161 Now, if you had said fake breasts... 59 00:02:09,163 --> 00:02:10,829 She's not crazy. 60 00:02:10,831 --> 00:02:13,398 Okay. We'll see. 61 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:16,935 Long story short, thank goodness I'm such a bad cook, 62 00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:19,571 Or I never would have met ted. 63 00:02:20,473 --> 00:02:21,974 Oh, crazy how cute that is. 64 00:02:21,976 --> 00:02:23,742 It's crazy. 65 00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:26,245 You know who else has a really cute story of how they met? 66 00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:27,579 Marshal and lily. 67 00:02:27,581 --> 00:02:28,413 You guys should tell that story, right now. 68 00:02:28,415 --> 00:02:29,248 Yeah. 69 00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:31,016 All right. But spoiler alert. 70 00:02:31,018 --> 00:02:32,584 It ends with everyone saying, "aw!" 71 00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:33,452 Aw. 72 00:02:33,454 --> 00:02:35,187 Starts with it, too. 73 00:02:35,189 --> 00:02:38,123 When you've been a couple as long as marshal and lily, 74 00:02:38,125 --> 00:02:41,493 Telling the how-we-met story becomes a choreographed dance. 75 00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,929 It was late August, 1996. 76 00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:45,797 Lily and I were both freshman moving into... 77 00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:47,699 Both: Hewitt hall. 78 00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:49,868 Marshall: And she needed some help setting up her stereo. 79 00:02:49,870 --> 00:02:53,272 Lily: For some unknown reason, 80 00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:55,307 I felt drawn to room 110. 81 00:02:55,309 --> 00:02:57,276 Marshall: As if she knew 82 00:02:57,278 --> 00:02:59,978 That someone very special was behind that door. 83 00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:05,217 Lily: And as fate would have it, that someone was marshall. 84 00:03:05,219 --> 00:03:08,387 Both: It was love at first sight. 85 00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:10,389 Hi. Hi. 86 00:03:10,391 --> 00:03:11,490 Aw... 87 00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:13,825 I know, right? 88 00:03:13,827 --> 00:03:16,695 Ted: Now, they perfected that story over hundreds of tellings. 89 00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:18,530 The first time marshall told it to me, 90 00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:20,332 It was a little different. 91 00:03:20,334 --> 00:03:22,334 Dude, this black-haired goth chick stopped by today. 92 00:03:22,336 --> 00:03:25,737 ♪ Want to tap it. 93 00:03:25,739 --> 00:03:28,507 You guys are so lucky. 94 00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:30,342 You know, when ted and I were cooking 95 00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:32,010 And our hands touched for the first time, 96 00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:33,879 I knew right then that after class 97 00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:36,348 He would take me up on the roof, kiss me and give me a rose. 98 00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:38,650 Which he did! 99 00:03:39,252 --> 00:03:40,185 Say, "aw." 100 00:03:40,187 --> 00:03:42,988 Aw. Aw.. 101 00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:44,489 I know, right? 102 00:03:44,491 --> 00:03:46,725 I'll get the next round, okay, guys? 103 00:03:51,065 --> 00:03:53,899 Anybody would be stressed out meeting new people. 104 00:03:55,101 --> 00:03:56,668 She's not crazy. 105 00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:58,837 Crazy-generous maybe, buying us drinks. 106 00:04:00,006 --> 00:04:01,406 Shut up. 107 00:04:04,611 --> 00:04:06,945 So, we know how marshall and lily met. 108 00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:09,348 Robin, how did you and barney meet? 109 00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:11,450 No... 110 00:04:11,452 --> 00:04:12,784 No, no, no, no. 111 00:04:12,786 --> 00:04:15,587 No, no, no, no. 112 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,923 No, no, no, no. 113 00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:21,727 No. Barney and I are not together. No. No. 114 00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:25,130 Really? 16 no's? Really? 115 00:04:25,132 --> 00:04:27,366 So, you're single? 116 00:04:27,368 --> 00:04:27,966 Yeah. 117 00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:29,601 Hmm. Oh. So, 118 00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:32,404 Pretty and single and friends with ted. 119 00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:34,206 Great. 120 00:04:35,441 --> 00:04:37,709 You know who else is friends with ted? 121 00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:38,577 Marshall. 122 00:04:38,579 --> 00:04:39,811 How did we meet? 123 00:04:39,813 --> 00:04:41,146 It was a good story. 124 00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:42,714 I'm going to tell it, right now. 125 00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:44,283 Uh, it was the first day of college. 126 00:04:44,285 --> 00:04:46,051 Kids, to understand this story, you need to know 127 00:04:46,053 --> 00:04:48,053 That your uncle marshall was doing something 128 00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:49,421 That lots of college kids do. 129 00:04:49,423 --> 00:04:51,089 How do I say this? 130 00:04:51,091 --> 00:04:55,227 He was, uh... Let's say, eating a sandwich. 131 00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:00,766 Dude, I heard the dean is coming. 132 00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:02,968 Put out your sandwich. 133 00:05:08,174 --> 00:05:09,574 Hey. 134 00:05:11,110 --> 00:05:13,578 Good afternoon, sir. 135 00:05:14,180 --> 00:05:15,747 I'm marshall erickson. 136 00:05:15,749 --> 00:05:18,684 "Sir"? No, please, just call me ted. 137 00:05:18,686 --> 00:05:21,186 Okay, dean ted. 138 00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:22,754 Whoa... 139 00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:24,856 Someone's been eating a sandwich. 140 00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:27,359 What? No. Really? 141 00:05:27,361 --> 00:05:30,862 I don't know 'cause I don't even know what sandwiches smell like. 142 00:05:30,864 --> 00:05:34,199 My parents are going to donate a lot of money to this school. 143 00:05:35,435 --> 00:05:37,536 So you're bottom bunk; that's cool. 144 00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:40,105 I wanted the top bunk anyway. 145 00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:41,206 What do you mean? 146 00:05:41,208 --> 00:05:43,442 I'm you're new roommate. 147 00:05:44,711 --> 00:05:47,279 So unfair. 148 00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:49,781 I didn't realize ted wasn't the dean 149 00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:51,183 Until later that night. 150 00:05:56,456 --> 00:05:59,458 You're not the dean. 151 00:06:00,727 --> 00:06:02,694 College... good times. 152 00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:05,163 Oh, I get it. Ted told you I didn't go to college, 153 00:06:05,165 --> 00:06:07,699 So now you're giving me a cute, little backhanded slap. 154 00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:10,402 Oh, here we go. 155 00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:12,070 Well, while you were busy majoring 156 00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:13,405 In being freakin' beautiful, 157 00:06:13,407 --> 00:06:14,407 I was starting 158 00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:15,974 My own line of handbags. 159 00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:17,509 Your own line of handbags? 160 00:06:17,511 --> 00:06:19,211 That's crazy. 161 00:06:19,213 --> 00:06:20,712 These have sold in japan. 162 00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,714 Robin, have you ever sold anything in japan? 163 00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:26,218 Uh, no. But I would love to buy one of them, if... 164 00:06:26,220 --> 00:06:28,053 Where can I get one? 165 00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:29,721 I don't have a distributor here yet, 166 00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:31,356 But thanks for rubbing that in. 167 00:06:31,358 --> 00:06:33,492 Why are you trying to undermine me in front of ted? 168 00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:36,027 Look, there's nothing going on between me and ted. 169 00:06:36,029 --> 00:06:38,764 Wow, that just... Came out of nowhere. 170 00:06:38,766 --> 00:06:41,733 No, I'm just saying that you have nothing to worry about. 171 00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:43,602 I wasn't worried. Are you saying I should be? 172 00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:45,771 No, I'm saying that you shouldn't be. 173 00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:47,172 Oh, good, 'cause I'm not. 174 00:06:47,174 --> 00:06:48,673 Now, robin, can you just let it go? 175 00:06:48,675 --> 00:06:50,909 You're making all of us really uncomfortable. 176 00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:53,512 You know what else is a good story? 177 00:06:53,514 --> 00:06:54,579 How barney and I met. 178 00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:56,782 Barney, tell that story, right now, please. 179 00:06:56,784 --> 00:06:59,618 Okay, ted. This is a crazy story. 180 00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:01,052 You're going to love it. 181 00:07:01,054 --> 00:07:02,521 Tonight's the first time 182 00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:03,755 I'm taking my deaf brother out 183 00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:05,290 Since our mom died. 184 00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:07,859 Oh, I'm sorry about that. 185 00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:09,461 No, that's okay. 186 00:07:09,463 --> 00:07:11,563 I have to take care of him now. 187 00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:15,233 Of course, I have had to put my dreams on hold 188 00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:18,036 In order to do it, but... 189 00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:20,539 I'm happy to. 190 00:07:20,541 --> 00:07:22,374 He's my brother and I love him. 191 00:07:22,376 --> 00:07:25,544 I'm sorry, it's all still so fresh. 192 00:07:25,546 --> 00:07:29,381 Well, man, I'm, uh... I'm really sorry. 193 00:07:30,883 --> 00:07:32,384 Wow, you bought that? 194 00:07:32,386 --> 00:07:33,618 What? 195 00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:35,487 I just made that up in mid-pee. 196 00:07:35,489 --> 00:07:37,255 If it worked on you, it's definitely going to work 197 00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:39,157 On the blonde chick at the end of the bar. 198 00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:40,592 Unless you're a total idiot. 199 00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:41,560 What's your name? 200 00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:42,961 Ted. 201 00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,596 Are you a total idiot, ted? 202 00:07:44,598 --> 00:07:47,599 Well, I'm still having this conversation, so... 203 00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:49,401 Well played. 204 00:07:51,737 --> 00:07:53,338 I like you, ted. 205 00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:56,675 Ted, I'm going to teach you how to live. 206 00:07:57,510 --> 00:07:59,010 Barney. We met at the urinal. 207 00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:00,846 Oh, right. Hi. 208 00:08:00,848 --> 00:08:04,082 Lesson one: Lose the goatee; it doesn't go with your suit. 209 00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:05,250 I'm not wearing a suit. 210 00:08:05,252 --> 00:08:06,351 Lesson two: Get a suit. 211 00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:08,920 Suits are cool... Exhibit a. 212 00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:11,289 Lesson three: Don't even think about getting married 213 00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:12,624 Until you're 30. 214 00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:14,125 And lesson four: 215 00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:16,027 Be totally silent for the next five minutes. 216 00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:17,195 Hey, audrey. 217 00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:20,131 Uh, this is my deaf brother, edward. 218 00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:21,600 Edward! 219 00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:24,603 This is audrey! 220 00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:28,406 You know, I actually know some sign language. 221 00:08:34,714 --> 00:08:36,982 He doesn't sign. 222 00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:39,150 He's embarrassed by his hands. 223 00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:41,853 They're tiny... And lady-like. 224 00:08:44,891 --> 00:08:48,827 What? You... Are over your hand issues. 225 00:08:48,829 --> 00:08:50,562 It's about time. 226 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,642 Here. Call me. 227 00:09:08,581 --> 00:09:11,249 And even though that girl ended up giving me a fake number, 228 00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:14,419 I knew that ted and I would be each other's wingmen forever. 229 00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:16,655 Barney, it's time you knew. 230 00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:19,424 Um, that story actually goes a little bit differently. 231 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:30,035 Great. Funny. 232 00:09:30,037 --> 00:09:32,404 God, with a wingman like ted, I might need to resort 233 00:09:32,406 --> 00:09:35,173 To meeting someone in a super, desperate and lame way, 234 00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:36,675 Like online. 235 00:09:38,911 --> 00:09:40,979 Online. 236 00:09:42,348 --> 00:09:43,348 Online. 237 00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:44,950 Oh, my god! You told them?! 238 00:09:44,952 --> 00:09:46,284 Okay, yes, I told them. 239 00:09:46,286 --> 00:09:47,886 But it's not a big deal. 240 00:09:47,888 --> 00:09:50,121 Lots of people meet on the internet. 241 00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:52,057 That whole scene, a stranger across a crowded room thing... 242 00:09:52,059 --> 00:09:54,192 That only happens in the movies. 243 00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:56,094 Yeah, that never happens. Oh, wait, except you and robin. 244 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:57,896 That's how you guys met, right? 245 00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:07,205 Wait, you guys dated? 246 00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:08,207 For how long? 247 00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:09,507 A year. 248 00:10:09,976 --> 00:10:11,309 But don't worry. 249 00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:12,877 The relationship wasn't that good. 250 00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:14,679 By the end, it was mostly about sex. 251 00:10:15,314 --> 00:10:17,415 Which was not that good. 252 00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:18,583 But I was the problem. 253 00:10:18,585 --> 00:10:20,652 I'd just lie there. 254 00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:22,387 Ted is, uh, very good. 255 00:10:22,389 --> 00:10:25,824 I'm sure he will get you where you need to go. 256 00:10:28,060 --> 00:10:29,894 Can I buy your bags online? 257 00:10:29,896 --> 00:10:32,897 Oh, oh, I see what's going on here, ted. 258 00:10:32,899 --> 00:10:34,899 I'm just some random girl to make robin jealous, 259 00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:36,334 And after she takes you back, 260 00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:37,769 You probably won't even remember my name. 261 00:10:37,771 --> 00:10:40,739 Come on, blahblah, it's not like that. 262 00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:42,807 Well, we're closing in on the half. 263 00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:46,611 Let's see how blahblah is doing on the crazy/hot scale. 264 00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:49,814 She started the night here, but as the night's progressed, 265 00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:52,450 She's gotten crazier but no hotter, 266 00:10:52,452 --> 00:10:55,787 Which has caused her to drift across the mendoza diagonal 267 00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:59,324 And dangerously close to the shelly gilespie zone. 268 00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:00,992 Another girl I dated... 269 00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:04,162 She gained 20 pounds and tried to kill me with a brick. 270 00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:06,364 I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but seriously, 271 00:11:06,366 --> 00:11:08,366 There's nothing going on with me and robin. 272 00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:10,335 Then why has she been trying to undermine me all night? 273 00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:11,536 I mean, look at her. 274 00:11:11,538 --> 00:11:13,204 She's laughing at me right now. 275 00:11:16,977 --> 00:11:18,977 I'm sorry, it's just, you know, 276 00:11:18,979 --> 00:11:21,346 Lily and marshall's story is so romantic. 277 00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,882 I just wish we had something like that. 278 00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:26,017 Well, their story's not as magical as it seems. 279 00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:27,352 What do you mean? 280 00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:30,555 No, I, I can't, it's, it's kind of a secret. 281 00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:33,391 Well, how about I tell you a little secret 282 00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:36,961 About what you might get to do later tonight? 283 00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:43,968 The night before lily met marshall... Uh-huh. 284 00:11:43,970 --> 00:11:45,236 There was this party. 285 00:11:49,842 --> 00:11:51,810 Hey. 286 00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:52,877 You a freshwoman? 287 00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,345 I never use the word "freshman." 288 00:11:54,347 --> 00:11:55,647 Sexist. 289 00:11:55,649 --> 00:11:57,515 Yeah, I'm a first year. 290 00:11:57,517 --> 00:11:59,317 I'm in hewitt 220. 291 00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:01,186 No way. Hewitt 110. 292 00:12:01,188 --> 00:12:02,420 You should totally come by. 293 00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:05,090 Maybe I will, hewitt 110. 294 00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:06,725 Crowd: Chug! Chug! Chug! 295 00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:08,326 Chug! Chug! Chug! 296 00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:09,427 Chug! Chug! Chug! 297 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,768 Look at these drunk idiots. 298 00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:19,571 Hey, don't drink their two-dollar beer. 299 00:12:19,573 --> 00:12:20,705 This is a pinot noir. 300 00:12:20,707 --> 00:12:22,273 From europe. 301 00:12:22,275 --> 00:12:24,576 Ooh. 302 00:12:26,212 --> 00:12:28,213 Oh, it's fruity. 303 00:12:28,215 --> 00:12:30,014 Yeah, I cut it with some cranberry juice. 304 00:12:30,016 --> 00:12:31,349 It was pretty strong. 305 00:12:32,251 --> 00:12:34,753 So, uh... 306 00:12:34,755 --> 00:12:36,020 Do you have a girlfriend? 307 00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:37,288 Yeah. 308 00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:39,858 Not sure about the whole "long distance" thing, though. 309 00:12:39,860 --> 00:12:40,792 It's like descartes says. 310 00:12:40,794 --> 00:12:42,527 "In order to determine 311 00:12:42,529 --> 00:12:45,063 "whether there is anything we can know with certainty, 312 00:12:45,065 --> 00:12:48,466 We first have to doubt everything we know." 313 00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:49,468 You know? 314 00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:51,002 Wow. 315 00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:58,042 But as drunk as she was, when she woke up the next morning, 316 00:12:58,044 --> 00:13:00,245 She still remembered room 110. 317 00:13:00,247 --> 00:13:02,213 That's why she knocked on the door. 318 00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:03,548 She was looking for me. 319 00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:04,582 Oh, my god. 320 00:13:04,584 --> 00:13:06,451 Yeah, and in all these years, 321 00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:08,219 Lily and I have never even spoken about it, 322 00:13:08,221 --> 00:13:09,721 So again, mum's the word, okay? 323 00:13:09,723 --> 00:13:11,556 You have to tell marshall. 324 00:13:11,558 --> 00:13:14,325 No, if, if he heard that, it would destroy him. 325 00:13:15,094 --> 00:13:17,595 If you don't tell him... 326 00:13:17,597 --> 00:13:19,731 I will. 327 00:13:19,733 --> 00:13:21,900 Oh, come on, you wouldn't. 328 00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:26,037 Oh, no. 329 00:13:29,008 --> 00:13:31,509 So, lily, how did you and ted meet? 330 00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:33,945 Come on, lily, the real story. 331 00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:36,281 I don't think anyone wants to hear that story. 332 00:13:36,283 --> 00:13:39,918 Aw, don't be embarrassed, ted, it was a long time ago. 333 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,420 : And I made a huge mistake last night, 334 00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:44,289 But it's like descartes says. 335 00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:45,857 "In order to determine whether there is anything 336 00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:47,325 "we can know with certainty, 337 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:49,407 We first have to doubt everything we know." 338 00:13:50,930 --> 00:13:53,865 And I now know for certain that I love you, karen. 339 00:13:54,934 --> 00:13:57,135 Anyway, call me back when you get this. 340 00:13:57,137 --> 00:13:58,937 I'm also going down to the computer center 341 00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:01,039 To send you an electronic mail. 342 00:14:03,209 --> 00:14:04,509 Ted. 343 00:14:05,477 --> 00:14:06,878 This is lily. 344 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:10,548 No, no, I'm sorry, but I love karen. 345 00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:13,785 Yes, that is the unabridged story of how lily and I met. 346 00:14:13,787 --> 00:14:15,220 How embarrassing. 347 00:14:15,222 --> 00:14:16,521 Who wants another round? That's not the story. 348 00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:17,722 Ted, tell 'em. 349 00:14:17,724 --> 00:14:19,190 Tell us what? Um, lily, 350 00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:20,525 Will you help us get the next round? 351 00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,327 Ted, what's going on? 352 00:14:22,329 --> 00:14:26,497 She knows about us, about how we really met. 353 00:14:26,499 --> 00:14:28,466 Yeah, I know, I just told her. 354 00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:30,335 No, the real story. 355 00:14:30,337 --> 00:14:32,470 Ted, what are you talking about? 356 00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:35,173 Lily... Come on. 357 00:14:35,175 --> 00:14:36,574 Come on, what? 358 00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:39,844 Lily... Come on. 359 00:14:39,846 --> 00:14:43,014 Ted, I honestly don't know what you're talking about. 360 00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:45,950 Lily... Come on. 361 00:14:46,752 --> 00:14:48,653 I know that you and ted made out 362 00:14:48,655 --> 00:14:50,722 The night before you met marshall. 363 00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:51,823 What? 364 00:14:51,825 --> 00:14:53,057 Ted and I never made out. 365 00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:54,893 Yeah... We did. 366 00:14:54,895 --> 00:14:57,328 I only made out with one other guy in college 367 00:14:57,330 --> 00:15:00,531 Before I met marshall, and it was just some random dude. 368 00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:02,600 I, I don't even remember his name. 369 00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:04,269 I just call him too much tongue guy. 370 00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:06,037 What? Too much tongue guy? 371 00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:08,172 Well, I'm not surprised to hear that 372 00:15:08,174 --> 00:15:10,041 Coming from unreasonably small mouth opening girl. 373 00:15:10,043 --> 00:15:11,709 That wasn't me. 374 00:15:11,711 --> 00:15:14,345 Yes, it was, at the freshman orientation party. 375 00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:17,582 No, no, no, no, no. 376 00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:18,683 No, no. 377 00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:22,520 No, no, no, no, no! 378 00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:23,922 How much fun is this? 379 00:15:23,924 --> 00:15:26,925 All of us reminiscing about how we met me? 380 00:15:26,927 --> 00:15:29,360 Robin, have I told you how I met marshall? 381 00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:30,895 Uh, yeah, like five or six times. 382 00:15:30,897 --> 00:15:32,463 It was right over there. 383 00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:33,865 Here's your problem. 384 00:15:33,867 --> 00:15:35,700 You've only slept with one woman. 385 00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:38,036 Those kind of stats are only okay if you're 11, 386 00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:38,903 But tonight 387 00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:41,205 We're getting you a new girl 388 00:15:41,207 --> 00:15:43,041 Because, marshall eriksen, 389 00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:47,111 From this moment on, I make all your decisions for you. 390 00:15:47,113 --> 00:15:50,048 I'm sorry, who, who are you again? 391 00:15:51,150 --> 00:15:52,951 This is barney; I met him the other day. 392 00:15:52,953 --> 00:15:54,419 He's kind of a jackass. 393 00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:56,120 I'm teaching ted how to live, 394 00:15:56,122 --> 00:15:58,389 And... lucky you... I have room for one more student. 395 00:15:58,391 --> 00:15:59,724 Think of me 396 00:15:59,726 --> 00:16:02,460 As yoda, only instead of being little and green, 397 00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:04,595 I wear suits and I'm awesome. 398 00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:05,897 I'm your bro. 399 00:16:05,899 --> 00:16:07,265 I'm bro-da. 400 00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:08,766 And tonight, 401 00:16:08,768 --> 00:16:10,501 You're going to use the force 402 00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:12,770 To get the hottest chick in this bar into bed. 403 00:16:12,772 --> 00:16:14,472 He's going to use force? 404 00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:15,907 'Cause that sounds wrong, bro-da. 405 00:16:16,910 --> 00:16:18,476 No, t force. 406 00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,511 It's a star wars reference. 407 00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:22,413 So we should make lots of star wars references around girls. 408 00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:24,082 That's what you're saying? 409 00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:25,783 I'm not going to cheat on my girlfriend. 410 00:16:25,785 --> 00:16:29,120 Yes, you are, with the hottie that just walked in. 411 00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:30,122 Look at her. 412 00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:31,823 How much hotter is she 413 00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:34,192 Than your girlfriend? 414 00:16:34,194 --> 00:16:37,295 There's no comparison. 415 00:16:37,297 --> 00:16:38,463 What do you think, ted? 416 00:16:38,465 --> 00:16:39,430 No. Should I go for it? 417 00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:40,498 Don't do it, man. 418 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,667 I mean, think about lily. 419 00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:44,202 You know what? I don't care. 420 00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:45,970 I've been with one woman for too long. 421 00:16:45,972 --> 00:16:47,605 I need me some strange. 422 00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:49,273 Yes! Yes! 423 00:16:49,275 --> 00:16:50,408 Pep talk. 424 00:16:51,143 --> 00:16:52,944 You can do this, 425 00:16:52,946 --> 00:16:55,546 But to be more accurate, you probably can't. 426 00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:58,449 You're way out of practice, and she is way too hot for you, 427 00:16:58,451 --> 00:17:01,819 So remember, tonight isn't about scoring. 428 00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:04,856 It's about believing that you can do it 429 00:17:04,858 --> 00:17:07,091 Even though you probably can't. 430 00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:09,260 Go get 'em, tiger. 431 00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:20,484 Poor guy's going to crash and burn. 432 00:17:23,575 --> 00:17:27,011 That man is a god. 433 00:17:27,013 --> 00:17:28,579 For like a week after, 434 00:17:28,581 --> 00:17:30,314 Barney followed me around 435 00:17:30,316 --> 00:17:31,916 Asking me to teach him how to live. 436 00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:33,918 I even got him to do my laundry once. 437 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,854 I thought it was a mr. Miyagi kind of thing. 438 00:17:36,856 --> 00:17:39,157 Marshall, I need to talk to you. 439 00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:40,591 Can we go somewhere in private? 440 00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:42,393 Yeah, of course. What's wrong? 441 00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:43,728 Lily and ted made out. 442 00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:45,897 What do you think of that, robin? 443 00:17:46,665 --> 00:17:48,066 What are you talking about? 444 00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:49,500 You know that guy I made out with 445 00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:51,502 At the freshman orientation party? 446 00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:53,538 Too much tongue guy, yeah. 447 00:17:53,540 --> 00:17:55,039 And you know that girl I made out with 448 00:17:55,041 --> 00:17:56,707 At the freshman orientation party? 449 00:17:56,709 --> 00:17:58,376 Unreasonably small mouth opening girl, yeah. 450 00:17:59,512 --> 00:18:01,179 I'm too much tongue guy. 451 00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:03,714 And I'm unreasonably small mouth opening girl. 452 00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:05,783 Worst superheroes ever. 453 00:18:05,785 --> 00:18:08,352 Oh, baby, I am so sorry. 454 00:18:08,354 --> 00:18:09,887 I don't think you need to be. 455 00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:11,189 I was at that party. 456 00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:12,857 It was dark and, granted, 457 00:18:12,859 --> 00:18:16,227 I had eaten quite a few sandwiches, but I'm 100% sure 458 00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:18,229 That unreasonably small mouth opening girl 459 00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:20,231 Was alexa leskeys, not lily. 460 00:18:20,233 --> 00:18:21,265 Really? 461 00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:22,700 Yeah, I'm positive, 462 00:18:22,702 --> 00:18:25,536 And too much tongue guy was colin o'reilly. 463 00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:26,571 Are you sure? 464 00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:27,872 If it wasn't, 465 00:18:27,874 --> 00:18:30,141 I peed in the wrong guy's shampoo, man. 466 00:18:30,143 --> 00:18:31,542 Lily: Aw... 467 00:18:32,644 --> 00:18:34,712 You don't really believe that, do you? 468 00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:38,182 You swore it was lily. 469 00:18:39,151 --> 00:18:41,886 I guess I made a mistake. 470 00:18:41,888 --> 00:18:44,122 Must have been alexa. 471 00:18:44,124 --> 00:18:46,190 Another girl, ted? 472 00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:48,392 Who haven't you made out with? 473 00:18:48,394 --> 00:18:50,261 You know what? I don't need this. 474 00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:52,263 I design handbags, I'm writing a memoir, 475 00:18:52,265 --> 00:18:54,732 I'm a superstar, this is totally my year. 476 00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:57,068 Someday the name blahblah will be up in lights! 477 00:18:57,070 --> 00:18:59,070 And, ted, next time you're online 478 00:18:59,072 --> 00:19:00,738 Playing world of warcraft, 479 00:19:00,740 --> 00:19:02,740 Don't even think about chatting with me. 480 00:19:05,777 --> 00:19:08,646 World of warcraft? 481 00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:09,814 The online 482 00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:11,315 Role-playing game? 483 00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:12,950 That's how you two 484 00:19:12,952 --> 00:19:14,585 "met online"? 485 00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:28,799 Yeah, it's a really... It's a cool game. 486 00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:30,635 So suffice it to say, 487 00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:33,104 Blahblah did not turn out to be your mother. 488 00:19:33,106 --> 00:19:35,306 As for the girl I made out with at the party, 489 00:19:35,308 --> 00:19:37,808 There wasn't a doubt in my mind that was your aunt lily. 490 00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:39,777 But, you know, that magical story 491 00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:41,712 Of how she and uncle marshall met, 492 00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:45,283 It was worth preserving, so I kept my mouth shut. 493 00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:47,652 I guess I made a mistake. 494 00:19:47,654 --> 00:19:49,020 Must have been alexa. 495 00:19:49,022 --> 00:19:51,956 Until our 20th college reunion 496 00:19:51,958 --> 00:19:55,459 When I ran into alexa leskeys. 497 00:19:55,461 --> 00:19:58,896 So, ted, remember the last time we were here? 498 00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:00,898 You and me? 499 00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:02,033 No idea. 500 00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:05,670 Ted... Come on. 501 00:20:05,672 --> 00:20:08,706 Freshman year, we were both pretty drunk? 502 00:20:16,014 --> 00:20:17,648 That was you? 503 00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:20,751 Lily, we never made out. 504 00:20:20,753 --> 00:20:21,719 I know. 505 00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:25,156 So I am not too much tongue guy. 506 00:20:25,158 --> 00:20:26,190 Actually... 507 00:20:26,192 --> 00:20:27,558 No. 508 00:20:32,998 --> 00:20:36,100 Look what I've confiscated from some kids. 509 00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:37,102 Whoa... 510 00:20:37,103 --> 00:20:39,503 That is a fat sandwich. 511 00:20:39,505 --> 00:20:41,939 I know, right? 512 00:20:47,279 --> 00:20:51,349 Chew, chew, chew, chew, swallow. 513 00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:57,021 Oh, that's all right, honey. 514 00:20:57,023 --> 00:20:59,690 Sandwiches are strong these days. 515 00:20:59,692 --> 00:21:01,225 I can't believe I used to be able to eat 516 00:21:01,227 --> 00:21:03,060 A whole sandwich by myself. 517 00:21:03,062 --> 00:21:06,364 Now it's like two bites and I am done. 518 00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:08,599 Baby, can we grow sandwiches behind the garage? 519 00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:10,401 Dude, we're 42. 520 00:21:12,572 --> 00:21:16,407 W-w-where's my wife?