1 00:00:01,468 --> 00:00:04,970 Ted: Kids, the early bloom of a romance is a wonderful thing. 2 00:00:04,972 --> 00:00:08,674 You meet someone, you have a connection, and that person 3 00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:10,776 Becomes sheer perfection in your eyes. 4 00:00:10,778 --> 00:00:13,212 You just can't find anything wrong with them. 5 00:00:13,214 --> 00:00:15,514 And you can't wait to tell the world about it. 6 00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:17,516 She convinced you to go jogging? 7 00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:19,818 Wow, you really want to get in this girl's pants. 8 00:00:19,820 --> 00:00:21,787 I'm telling you, you guys are gonna love her. 9 00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:23,355 Lily, she knows all about art. 10 00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:24,456 Marshall, 11 00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:26,125 She's open to the existence of ufos. 12 00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:27,359 Barney, 13 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:28,460 She's hot. Robin, 14 00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:30,029 She's not hotter than you. 15 00:00:30,031 --> 00:00:31,463 Like her already. Lily: She sounds great! 16 00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:33,298 How not hotter? 17 00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:35,501 So we all went out to dinner, and I couldn't wait 18 00:00:35,503 --> 00:00:38,404 To see if my friends were as crazy about cathy as I was. 19 00:00:38,406 --> 00:00:40,305 So, what's everyone getting? 20 00:00:40,307 --> 00:00:42,374 Well, I can't decide. 21 00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:44,410 Which sounds better, chicken or lasagna? 22 00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:47,312 Lasagna. Just get the lasagna! 23 00:00:47,314 --> 00:00:50,315 Oh. You guys just got a new place. 24 00:00:50,317 --> 00:00:52,051 How many bedrooms is it? 25 00:00:52,053 --> 00:00:54,553 Two. It's two bedrooms! 26 00:00:56,689 --> 00:00:59,358 Okay! Let's hear it. 27 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:00,726 What's wrong with cathy? 28 00:01:00,728 --> 00:01:03,429 Are you kidding me, ted? She's got a... 29 00:01:03,431 --> 00:01:05,330 Wait, you don't notice it? 30 00:01:05,332 --> 00:01:06,332 Notice what? 31 00:01:06,333 --> 00:01:07,933 Oh, he doesn't see it. 32 00:01:07,935 --> 00:01:10,569 If we point it out, we're gonna ruin her for him. 33 00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:11,603 As his friends, 34 00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:13,939 We'll just keep him in the dark. 35 00:01:13,941 --> 00:01:14,673 You're right. 36 00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:16,909 She's great, man. 37 00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:19,044 She's a keeper. Just... 38 00:01:19,046 --> 00:01:20,212 Keep her somewhere else. 39 00:01:20,236 --> 00:01:26,236 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 40 00:01:34,627 --> 00:01:38,130 Marshall, what is everyone's problem with cathy? 41 00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:40,532 Oh, she's a total nightmare, ted, but can we talk about 42 00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:42,267 This later? I'm a minute away from finding out 43 00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:44,036 If I'm gonna be a lawyer or not. 44 00:01:44,038 --> 00:01:45,871 You see, kids, during the summer, 45 00:01:45,873 --> 00:01:47,406 Marshall had taken the new york bar exam. 46 00:01:47,408 --> 00:01:50,309 His years of school, his countless hours of study, 47 00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:53,545 Had finally culminated in this grueling, two-day ordeal. 48 00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:55,881 And... Begin. 49 00:01:58,786 --> 00:02:00,819 The pressure of it was enormous. 50 00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:03,822 Every year, people taking the bar simply cracked. 51 00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:06,225 No! No! 52 00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:07,593 No! 53 00:02:07,595 --> 00:02:11,697 No! 54 00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:13,899 But marshall had made it through. 55 00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:15,234 And... 56 00:02:15,236 --> 00:02:16,802 Time. 57 00:02:23,276 --> 00:02:25,077 Time's up. 58 00:02:25,079 --> 00:02:26,245 Right. 59 00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:27,247 Time. 60 00:02:28,081 --> 00:02:29,281 Sir. I know. 61 00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:30,949 Your time is... I know it is. 62 00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:32,084 Give me...! 63 00:02:33,620 --> 00:02:36,822 Now, months later, the results of that exam were scheduled 64 00:02:36,824 --> 00:02:39,124 To post online at 10:00, 65 00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:40,526 And it was 9:59. 66 00:02:40,528 --> 00:02:42,094 Damn, they're not up yet. 67 00:02:42,096 --> 00:02:44,630 Oh, don't worry, baby. I'm sure you rocked it. 68 00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:46,832 I mean, how many people fail the bar? 69 00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:47,499 Half. 70 00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:48,667 Oh, my god, half? 71 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,936 Only half the people pass? 72 00:02:50,938 --> 00:02:52,337 I mean, half the people pass. 73 00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:53,339 That's fantastic. 74 00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:54,373 Go, marshall. 75 00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:56,108 Oh, hey, can I jump on there? 76 00:02:56,110 --> 00:02:58,177 I want to show you something awesome. What? 77 00:02:58,179 --> 00:02:59,978 No. Bar results. My future. 78 00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:01,813 Trust me. You need to see this. 79 00:03:01,815 --> 00:03:03,949 What is so important that I need to see it right now? 80 00:03:03,951 --> 00:03:08,086 It's a video of a dog pooping on a baby. 81 00:03:08,821 --> 00:03:11,557 How do I need to see that? 82 00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:13,292 Why would I want to see that? 83 00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:17,963 In what possible way could subjecting my eyes and my brain 84 00:03:17,965 --> 00:03:19,965 To something that disgusting enrich my life? 85 00:03:19,967 --> 00:03:24,469 It's a dog pooping on a baby. 86 00:03:24,471 --> 00:03:26,138 Get away from my computer. 87 00:03:26,140 --> 00:03:29,575 Okay, just do a quick Google search for "caca spaniel." 88 00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:30,509 The results are in. 89 00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:32,344 Whoo. What's it say? 90 00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:34,012 "Input password." 91 00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:36,014 All: Input the password. 92 00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:38,016 It's okay. They assigned it to me when I took the test. 93 00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:40,319 It's gotta be around here somewhere. 94 00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:42,154 Here. Here-here-here. 95 00:03:42,156 --> 00:03:44,423 Jelly beans, fluffernutter, gummi bears, ginger snap... 96 00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:45,991 This is a grocery list. 97 00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:49,494 For who? A witch building a house in the forest? 98 00:03:49,496 --> 00:03:51,230 Sugar helps me study. 99 00:03:51,232 --> 00:03:53,765 This is like the shopping a ten-year-old does 100 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:56,068 When his parents leave him alone for the weekend. 101 00:03:56,070 --> 00:03:58,570 What parent leaves a ten- year-old alone for the weekend? 102 00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:00,772 And your mom was perfect. 103 00:04:00,774 --> 00:04:02,874 I can't find my password! Okay, just... 104 00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:04,843 Can't you let 'em know that you lost it 105 00:04:04,845 --> 00:04:06,678 And they'll e-mail it to you or something? 106 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,213 No! They won't let me do that. 107 00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:09,915 I'm gonna have to wait till the results come 108 00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:11,283 In the regular mail. 109 00:04:11,285 --> 00:04:13,018 That could be weeks from now, if ever! 110 00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,620 Our mail carrier hates me ever since I asked her 111 00:04:14,622 --> 00:04:15,622 When the baby was due. 112 00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:17,089 She wasn't pregnant? 113 00:04:17,091 --> 00:04:18,523 No, he was not. 114 00:04:18,525 --> 00:04:20,525 Ooh. Okay, well, that's a drag, 115 00:04:20,527 --> 00:04:22,194 But the results will come eventually. 116 00:04:22,196 --> 00:04:23,762 Just try to keep it off your mind until then. 117 00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:28,433 Hey, brad. 118 00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:30,602 Oh, congratulations, man. 119 00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:33,605 I'm, uh... I'm not sure yet. 120 00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:35,874 I lost my password. 121 00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:38,143 That's great, cara. 122 00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:40,712 I don't know yet. I lost my password. 123 00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:43,215 I don't know how I lost it! 124 00:04:43,217 --> 00:04:44,082 This stuff happens! 125 00:04:44,084 --> 00:04:47,619 Oh. Ohh! You're one to talk. 126 00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:50,622 You misplace stuff all the time. 127 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,090 I'm sorry. 128 00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:55,794 I'm sure the nurses are stealing your medicine, grandma. 129 00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:57,896 Love you, too. 130 00:04:57,898 --> 00:05:00,799 If I have to wait six weeks to find out if I passed, 131 00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,567 I-I'm gonna have a heart attack. 132 00:05:02,569 --> 00:05:06,505 Based on that grocery list, I'd say diabetes is a bigger worry. 133 00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:07,939 You know what? Laugh all you want. 134 00:05:07,941 --> 00:05:09,741 This affects my whole future, all right? 135 00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:13,812 I probably shouldn't be telling you this. 136 00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:15,447 I definitely shouldn't be telling you this, 137 00:05:15,449 --> 00:05:17,416 But there is a way I can help you with your problem. 138 00:05:17,418 --> 00:05:19,151 How? 139 00:05:19,952 --> 00:05:21,620 I know a guy at work. 140 00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:25,324 He can get access to software designed to penetrate firewalls 141 00:05:25,326 --> 00:05:27,592 And retrieve passwords through secure servers. 142 00:05:27,594 --> 00:05:29,361 I can get into any computer. 143 00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:32,164 So what do we do? Like, arrange a secret meeting 144 00:05:32,166 --> 00:05:34,166 In a darkened parking structure? 145 00:05:34,168 --> 00:05:35,467 No. 146 00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:36,168 Can we? 147 00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:36,935 No. 148 00:05:36,937 --> 00:05:37,836 I have a trench coat. 149 00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,338 Dude, be cool. 150 00:05:44,110 --> 00:05:46,645 So, I just got off the phone with cathy. 151 00:05:46,647 --> 00:05:47,946 God, you guys are so right. 152 00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:50,048 I totally hear it now. 153 00:05:50,650 --> 00:05:52,084 See it now? 154 00:05:52,785 --> 00:05:54,019 Smell it? 155 00:05:54,854 --> 00:05:55,987 What is it?! 156 00:05:55,989 --> 00:05:57,622 I left the table for two minutes. 157 00:05:57,624 --> 00:05:59,024 What could she have possibly done 158 00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:00,792 In that time that was so horrible? Was it... 159 00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:02,561 I'll be back in one second. 160 00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:07,132 One time, in tenth grade, as a joke, I told everyone 161 00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:10,736 That my english teacher had sex with me. 162 00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:14,206 He's still in jail. 163 00:06:14,741 --> 00:06:15,841 Or maybe... 164 00:06:15,843 --> 00:06:17,976 I'll be back in a second. 165 00:06:18,978 --> 00:06:21,246 So I volunteer at the pound. 166 00:06:21,248 --> 00:06:22,981 Oh, isn't that nice? 167 00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:26,017 Yeah. You can't imagine the rush you get 168 00:06:26,019 --> 00:06:28,286 From killing an unwanted puppy. 169 00:06:29,088 --> 00:06:31,957 I make bracelets out of the collars. 170 00:06:32,759 --> 00:06:33,692 Or... 171 00:06:33,694 --> 00:06:35,460 I'll be back in one second. 172 00:06:36,696 --> 00:06:39,965 I bet he's going to the urinal. 173 00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:41,933 Yeah. 174 00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:44,102 I remember when I had a penis. 175 00:06:45,204 --> 00:06:48,039 It wasn't anything she did while you were in the bathroom. 176 00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:49,841 It's just the way she is. 177 00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:51,843 I don't get it. If it's so obvious 178 00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:54,546 And you guys all see it, how come I don't? 179 00:06:54,548 --> 00:06:56,515 'Cause we're not trying to have sex with her. 180 00:06:56,517 --> 00:06:57,916 Mmm. Brother, 181 00:06:57,918 --> 00:07:00,051 You're driving the "I want to have sex with her" truck, 182 00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:02,020 And it's got a huge blind spot. 183 00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:04,256 That's ridiculous. 184 00:07:04,258 --> 00:07:05,791 Is it really? 185 00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:07,759 Ted, let me tell you a little story 186 00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:11,430 About a young lady I wanted to have sex with... lucilia. 187 00:07:12,298 --> 00:07:15,066 On a white sand beach in rio de janeiro, 188 00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:18,937 We made love for ten straight hours. 189 00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,539 When we were done, 190 00:07:20,541 --> 00:07:22,040 She applauded 191 00:07:22,042 --> 00:07:25,043 And told me I was far, far better 192 00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:28,046 Than the best lover she could possibly imagine, 193 00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:32,984 And that I had restored her faith in god. 194 00:07:33,786 --> 00:07:35,554 What does this have to do with cathy? 195 00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:37,489 Who's cathy? 196 00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:39,724 Just tell me what the hell 197 00:07:39,726 --> 00:07:41,092 Is wrong with her already. 198 00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:43,428 Okay. You want to know? 199 00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:44,496 Yes. 200 00:07:44,498 --> 00:07:45,630 You want to shatter 201 00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:47,666 This beautiful illusion you've created for yourself? 202 00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:49,434 Fine. Here it is. 203 00:07:49,436 --> 00:07:54,706 Cathy talks... A lot. 204 00:07:55,741 --> 00:07:57,642 Oh, come on. 205 00:07:57,644 --> 00:07:59,077 That's not true. 206 00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:02,581 Ted. Really, really think about that dinner 207 00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:03,615 We all just had together. 208 00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:05,083 And I did. 209 00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:07,085 So, what's everyone getting? 210 00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:09,154 Well, I can't decide. 211 00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:11,456 Which sounds better, chicken or lasagna? 212 00:08:11,458 --> 00:08:12,624 I like chicken. 213 00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:13,825 I like lasagna. I like them both, 214 00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:14,960 But I really like pork. 215 00:08:14,962 --> 00:08:16,094 A lot of people don't 216 00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:17,462 Eat pork, and maybe it's because 217 00:08:17,464 --> 00:08:18,663 Of that movie babe or something. 218 00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:19,598 But that was funny. 219 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:20,765 He was a talking pig 220 00:08:20,767 --> 00:08:21,700 And he was like "bah, ram, ewe!" 221 00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:22,868 What-what if 222 00:08:22,870 --> 00:08:24,436 There was a sorority, "bah, ram, ewe?" 223 00:08:24,438 --> 00:08:25,604 I'd totally rush it. 224 00:08:25,606 --> 00:08:28,473 And so I named him dr. Seuss! 225 00:08:28,475 --> 00:08:30,008 Lorax is a funny word. 226 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:32,777 Lasagna! Just get the lasagna! 227 00:08:32,779 --> 00:08:35,547 Oh, you guys just got a new place. 228 00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:36,348 How many bedrooms 229 00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:36,815 Is it? 230 00:08:36,817 --> 00:08:37,949 I would love 231 00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:39,384 To have an extra bedroom, 232 00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:40,986 Because I would put a stairmaster in there. 233 00:08:40,988 --> 00:08:42,287 But you guts should get a convertible sofa. 234 00:08:42,289 --> 00:08:43,788 Or a futon. Futons are great. 235 00:08:43,790 --> 00:08:44,723 Or what about one of those 236 00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:45,725 Murphy beds? 237 00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:46,791 Who invented the murphy bed? 238 00:08:46,793 --> 00:08:47,726 Was it a guy named murphy? 239 00:08:47,728 --> 00:08:48,994 Oh, my god. 240 00:08:48,996 --> 00:08:50,495 Do you guys remember that show murphy brown? 241 00:08:50,497 --> 00:08:51,796 That was a funny show. 242 00:08:51,798 --> 00:08:53,632 She had a new assistant every episode. 243 00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,300 And it was like a half an hour 244 00:08:55,302 --> 00:08:57,135 Before I realized he wasn't even on the phone anymore! 245 00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:59,471 Isn't that hysterical? 246 00:08:59,473 --> 00:09:01,139 Two! It's two bedrooms! 247 00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:04,409 Hey, do you guys like cannolis? 248 00:09:04,411 --> 00:09:06,311 Because I know this place and it's in the south bronx 249 00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:07,879 And you wouldn't expect it, 250 00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:09,514 But they have the best cannolis in town. 251 00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:13,218 And just like that, the illusion was shattered. 252 00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:14,386 Wow. 253 00:09:14,388 --> 00:09:17,756 She just never shuts up, does she? 254 00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:20,992 She didn't stop to swallow her food. 255 00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:22,160 I was scared for her. 256 00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:23,929 I didn't want her to choke. 257 00:09:23,931 --> 00:09:25,564 At first. 258 00:09:30,336 --> 00:09:32,704 So kids, this girl I was dating would not stop talking. 259 00:09:32,706 --> 00:09:35,907 Can you imagine how awful that is? 260 00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:38,343 I'm so glad that we're staying in tonight, because the thing 261 00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:40,011 About going out is that you have so many... 262 00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:44,049 Do you own a wok? Because what's really... 263 00:09:44,051 --> 00:09:46,685 Don't you just love autumn? 264 00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,119 Today I'm dressed for... 265 00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:50,855 Oh, my god. You're the sweetest... 266 00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:53,525 This great place where we can go. 267 00:09:53,527 --> 00:09:55,360 They have guys' and girls' clothes. 268 00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:57,095 We could both shop at the same time. 269 00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,964 And a lot of times boyfriends and girlfriends... 270 00:09:58,966 --> 00:10:00,065 Hey! 271 00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:02,100 Why are you running so fast? 272 00:10:02,768 --> 00:10:05,303 Well, thank you, pal. 273 00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:07,072 You and your little friends, 274 00:10:07,074 --> 00:10:08,540 You just had to tell me. 275 00:10:08,542 --> 00:10:10,442 You just had to give in to my incessant begging. 276 00:10:10,444 --> 00:10:11,977 You said that you wanted to know. 277 00:10:11,979 --> 00:10:13,878 I didn't want to know! 278 00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:15,413 You said you wanted to know! 279 00:10:15,415 --> 00:10:17,882 Well, I didn't know I didn't want to know! 280 00:10:17,884 --> 00:10:19,651 You knew. And you know me. 281 00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:22,587 And you should have known I didn't want to know! 282 00:10:22,589 --> 00:10:24,556 You know? 283 00:10:24,558 --> 00:10:25,957 I'm sorry we told you. 284 00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:28,326 I'm surprised she didn't tell you herself at some point. 285 00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:29,995 There's only a finite combination of words 286 00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:31,396 In the english language. 287 00:10:31,398 --> 00:10:33,965 Well, you could have let me enjoy it a little longer. 288 00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:34,899 She's got all these 289 00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:36,234 Other great qualities. 290 00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:38,403 She's smart. She's caring. She loves animals... 291 00:10:38,405 --> 00:10:41,373 You know how to teach her a lesson? Buy her a parrot. 292 00:10:42,274 --> 00:10:45,176 Oh, come on. I'm sorry that we told you, okay? 293 00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:47,345 It's part of being in a relationship. 294 00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:49,748 Eventually, you get used to these annoying little things 295 00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:50,949 That bug you at first. 296 00:10:50,951 --> 00:10:52,584 Yeah, I guess. 297 00:10:52,586 --> 00:10:55,487 I mean, you got used to lily's loud chewing, right? 298 00:10:57,256 --> 00:10:59,024 Lily doesn't chew loudly. 299 00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:01,026 Dude... 300 00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:03,094 Come on. This isn't news. 301 00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:05,196 Why do you think I call her "chewbacca"? 302 00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:08,033 I assumed because she's loyal, wears shiny belts 303 00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:10,502 And I resemble a young harrison ford. 304 00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:12,671 Think about it. 305 00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:43,334 Oh, man, honestly, dude, that's the meanest thing 306 00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:44,369 You've ever done to me. 307 00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,037 I really thought you knew. 308 00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:49,074 We had ribs the other night. It sounded like jurassic park. 309 00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:51,209 Ha-ha-ha-ha. You know what? 310 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:52,877 It doesn't matter. 311 00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:53,812 But it did. 312 00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:16,234 Say, what's in that cereal 313 00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:19,537 Besides dry twigs and small animal bones? 314 00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:21,339 What's that supposed to mean? 315 00:12:21,341 --> 00:12:24,375 Lily, I love you, but honest to god, 316 00:12:24,377 --> 00:12:26,945 When you eat, it sounds like a garbage disposal 317 00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:28,079 Full of drywall screws. 318 00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:30,615 What's the matter with you? 319 00:12:30,617 --> 00:12:32,717 We've been together ten years, and you're saying this now? 320 00:12:32,719 --> 00:12:36,955 Well, I never noticed it before until... 321 00:12:36,957 --> 00:12:38,189 Until what? 322 00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:39,357 Can you believe ted? 323 00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:41,025 What a lame thing to say, 324 00:12:41,027 --> 00:12:42,560 That I'm a loud chewer. 325 00:12:44,765 --> 00:12:47,599 Yeah, that's crazy. 326 00:12:49,368 --> 00:12:51,436 Maybe enough with the pretzels. 327 00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:54,906 Oh, my god, do I really chew that loudly? 328 00:12:54,908 --> 00:12:57,776 No, no, no. 329 00:12:58,477 --> 00:13:00,378 Okay, now that you pointed it out, 330 00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:04,215 Maybe it does sound slightly like someone put 331 00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:06,751 A screwdriver in a pencil sharpener, 332 00:13:06,753 --> 00:13:07,886 But in a cute way. 333 00:13:07,888 --> 00:13:10,655 This is all ted's fault. 334 00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:13,725 Oh, like he's so perfect, mr. Corrector. 335 00:13:13,727 --> 00:13:14,727 What do you mean? 336 00:13:14,728 --> 00:13:16,828 Oh, come on. You dated the guy for a year 337 00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:19,731 And you never noticed that most of what ted says 338 00:13:19,733 --> 00:13:21,032 Is correcting you. 339 00:13:23,068 --> 00:13:25,069 Hey, can you hand me a kleenex? 340 00:13:25,071 --> 00:13:27,138 Actually, kleenex is a brand. 341 00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,040 This is a facial tissue. 342 00:13:30,309 --> 00:13:33,178 Oh, my god, is frankenstein gonna kill that little girl? 343 00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:35,613 Uh, dr. Frankenstein isn't in this scene. 344 00:13:35,615 --> 00:13:38,683 That's frankenstein's monster. 345 00:13:39,585 --> 00:13:43,822 That literally blew my mind. 346 00:13:43,824 --> 00:13:45,290 Figuratively. 347 00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:49,961 Oh, my god, you're right. 348 00:13:49,963 --> 00:13:52,197 That is so annoying. 349 00:13:52,199 --> 00:13:53,932 Isn't it? 350 00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:57,368 Where are those pretzels from, ace hardware? 351 00:14:04,176 --> 00:14:05,944 Hey, man, do you like kettle corn? 352 00:14:05,946 --> 00:14:07,779 I'm trying to get rid of anything crunchy. 353 00:14:07,781 --> 00:14:09,047 Are the blinds closed? 354 00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:10,281 I don't know. 355 00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:11,783 Are the blinds closed?! 356 00:14:11,785 --> 00:14:14,686 Yes, the blinds are closed. Now, what...? 357 00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:16,287 Good, I didn't think I was followed, 358 00:14:16,289 --> 00:14:17,622 But you can never be too sure. 359 00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:19,057 Now double-lock the door 360 00:14:19,059 --> 00:14:23,494 Is there a reason that you're acting like this? 361 00:14:23,496 --> 00:14:25,663 We're about to find out if you're a lawyer. 362 00:14:25,665 --> 00:14:28,233 Now, in good conscience, I have to inform you 363 00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:29,701 That using this software 364 00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:31,202 Is in violation of the patriot act, 365 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:33,538 The strategic defense initiative, 366 00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:37,475 And the national security act of 1948, which created the cia. 367 00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:39,978 So I hope you passed the bar because 368 00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:43,815 If we use this software, the night janitor gligor 369 00:14:43,817 --> 00:14:46,317 Who I fooled into putting fingerprints on my computer, 370 00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:48,653 Is going to need a good lawyer. 371 00:14:48,655 --> 00:14:51,322 Are you certain you want to go through with this? 372 00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:54,158 I have to know, yes, yes. 373 00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:56,594 Very good. 374 00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:58,997 First, we go to the new york state bar web site. 375 00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:02,500 We disable the firewall, then the recursive algorithm 376 00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:06,237 Grabs your password, and as the application erases itself 377 00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:09,440 Leaving no trace we were here ever... 378 00:15:09,442 --> 00:15:12,210 You ready to see your future, bro? 379 00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:13,845 Yes. 380 00:15:21,387 --> 00:15:24,522 It's a dog pooping on a baby. 381 00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:26,224 Right! Isn't that awesome? 382 00:15:26,226 --> 00:15:28,259 So you went through all this just to get me 383 00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:29,527 To look at your stupid video? 384 00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:31,062 Yeah, it was worth it. 385 00:15:31,064 --> 00:15:33,564 Barney, barney, that was the biggest test of my life. 386 00:15:33,566 --> 00:15:36,301 I'm incredibly stressed out right now, and I... 387 00:15:38,071 --> 00:15:40,071 Okay, that's pretty funny. 388 00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:42,307 Ted, you got to see this. Right... 389 00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:46,110 Uh-huh, yeah, I have to... 390 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:50,381 She'll call back when she realizes I'm gone. 391 00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:52,250 Probably in about 45 minutes. 392 00:15:53,219 --> 00:15:55,320 Hey. Hi. 393 00:15:55,322 --> 00:15:56,487 You guys want a drink? 394 00:15:56,489 --> 00:15:58,256 I'll just have a water. 395 00:15:58,258 --> 00:16:00,191 Mm, technically, water is a drink. 396 00:16:01,060 --> 00:16:02,393 Really, professor? 397 00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:04,429 You drink it? Is that how water works? 398 00:16:04,431 --> 00:16:06,264 Because I was just gonna smear it on my skin 399 00:16:06,266 --> 00:16:07,799 And hope I absorbed it. 400 00:16:08,734 --> 00:16:11,002 Or you could, you know, pour it over your shirt. 401 00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:12,403 What's with you? 402 00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:14,105 You're always correcting people. 403 00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:17,408 You totally do that! That's absolutely right. 404 00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:19,310 Right? I never noticed it before, 405 00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:21,179 And now it's literally driving me crazy. 406 00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:22,747 Figuratively. 407 00:16:22,749 --> 00:16:24,782 Okay, maybe so, but it's no worse 408 00:16:24,784 --> 00:16:26,751 Than you using the word "literally" 409 00:16:26,753 --> 00:16:27,952 In every other sentence. 410 00:16:29,255 --> 00:16:30,621 You kind of do that. He's got a point. 411 00:16:30,623 --> 00:16:32,423 Don't they teach vocabulary in canada? 412 00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:34,859 They literally don't. They literally don't. 413 00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:36,861 Shut up, marshall. That's nothing compared 414 00:16:36,863 --> 00:16:39,764 To your thing of singing what you do all the time. 415 00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:44,469 ♪ Paying my bills, using return address labels ♪ 416 00:16:44,471 --> 00:16:50,641 ♪ From a charity that I haven't given money to ♪ 417 00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:55,546 ♪ Writing a check 'cause now I feel guilty ♪ 418 00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:58,983 ♪ The salivation army does not fight fair. ♪ 419 00:17:02,322 --> 00:17:05,723 ♪ Heading down to the basement today ♪ 420 00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:10,094 ♪ With my laundry and a roll of quarters ♪ 421 00:17:12,131 --> 00:17:13,698 ♪ But I'm back too soon 422 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,466 ♪ 'cause I left the room without detergent ♪ 423 00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:17,869 ♪ And the fabric softener 424 00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:21,372 Ted: Wow. That is annoying. 425 00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:22,540 Those rhymes are so sloppy. 426 00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:23,641 Oh, come on! 427 00:17:23,643 --> 00:17:26,010 What about you, "barney"? 428 00:17:26,012 --> 00:17:28,980 Okay, you... 429 00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:30,648 Always... Ah! 430 00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:31,916 Interesting, interesting, 431 00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:33,584 Everyone has annoying habits but me. 432 00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:36,020 Oh, got it. 433 00:17:36,022 --> 00:17:39,991 Okay, you sometimes talk in a weird high-pitched voice. 434 00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:45,163 And you're constantly using lame catchphrases. 435 00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:49,767 And sometimes you space out and don't even pay attention 436 00:17:49,769 --> 00:17:51,269 To what we're talking about. 437 00:17:53,006 --> 00:17:55,039 I'm sorry. What? 438 00:17:55,041 --> 00:17:56,274 Oh, see? 439 00:17:56,276 --> 00:17:57,675 You can't think of anything 440 00:17:57,677 --> 00:17:59,510 ♪ 'cause I'm awesome! 441 00:17:59,512 --> 00:18:01,045 All three right there. 442 00:18:01,047 --> 00:18:03,081 Well, technically, "awesome" wouldn't be a catchphrase. 443 00:18:03,083 --> 00:18:04,949 If anything, it's more of a catchword. 444 00:18:04,951 --> 00:18:07,185 I literally want to rip your head off. 445 00:18:07,187 --> 00:18:09,353 You mean "figuratively"! 446 00:18:09,355 --> 00:18:12,023 No, I literally mean "literally." 447 00:18:12,025 --> 00:18:15,693 literally, literally literally. 448 00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:18,362 Oh, my god, lily, what are you eating, gravel? 449 00:18:18,364 --> 00:18:19,764 Oh, I know, right? 450 00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:21,532 It sounds like cufflinks going up a vacuum cleaner. 451 00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:23,234 Well, why don't you sing about it? 452 00:18:23,236 --> 00:18:25,937 ♪ Because I don't sing about everything I do... ♪ 453 00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:29,474 No, no, sometimes you just sing nonsense sentences 454 00:18:29,476 --> 00:18:30,575 Like a stroke victim, 455 00:18:30,577 --> 00:18:32,076 And what's worse, 456 00:18:32,078 --> 00:18:33,044 They're catchy. 457 00:18:33,046 --> 00:18:35,446 ♪ Apple, orchard, banana, cat dance ♪ 458 00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:37,715 All: ♪ 8663 459 00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:39,817 See? We know that one because once you sang that 460 00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:43,121 For, like, three hours. What the hell is that? 461 00:18:43,123 --> 00:18:45,790 That's my password. 462 00:18:46,391 --> 00:18:50,228 Aobcd8663. 463 00:18:53,832 --> 00:18:56,067 Oh, marshall! Awesome! 464 00:18:56,069 --> 00:18:57,735 There's another one. 465 00:18:57,737 --> 00:18:59,637 It's called "golden reliever," where this dog... Yeah, 466 00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:01,239 We can guess. All right, guys, 467 00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:03,074 Guys, guys. 468 00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:08,246 I'm a lawyer. 469 00:19:10,450 --> 00:19:12,083 And just like that 470 00:19:12,085 --> 00:19:14,418 We stopped fighting and celebrated marshall's success. 471 00:19:14,420 --> 00:19:16,921 You see, when someone's bad habits are pointed out to you, 472 00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:18,589 It's hard to ignore them. 473 00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:20,925 ♪ I'm a lawyer now 'cause I passed the bar ♪ 474 00:19:20,927 --> 00:19:24,095 ♪ I'm imposing marshall law on this champagne. ♪ 475 00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:27,932 Are you literally on cloud nine right now? 476 00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:30,101 Baby, you never have to take the bar again. 477 00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:33,304 Actually, if he practices law in another state, 478 00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:34,539 He will have to, 479 00:19:34,541 --> 00:19:35,940 But new york, man! 480 00:19:35,942 --> 00:19:37,475 It's a great state to practice law in! 481 00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:39,110 Lawsuit up! 482 00:19:39,112 --> 00:19:40,144 Yeah! Whoo! 483 00:19:40,146 --> 00:19:41,112 Yeah! Yeah! 484 00:19:41,114 --> 00:19:43,014 But if you love them enough, 485 00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:45,716 Those bad habits are easy to forget. 486 00:19:49,288 --> 00:19:52,023 Three years later, I ran into cathy, and she was doing well. 487 00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:54,859 Ted?! Oh, my god, I haven't seen you in so long! 488 00:19:54,861 --> 00:19:57,228 How long has it been? Three years? No, four years. 489 00:19:57,230 --> 00:19:59,397 No, three years, 'cause I went blonde and then I went back 490 00:19:59,399 --> 00:20:01,299 'cause I was having too much fun. 491 00:20:01,301 --> 00:20:03,134 You know, it's true what they say: Blondes have more fun. 492 00:20:03,136 --> 00:20:05,703 Oh, my god, I'm being so rude. Ted, this is my fiancé. 493 00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:08,039 Yes, I'm engaged. Ted, this is daniel. 494 00:20:13,345 --> 00:20:14,779 Great... 495 00:20:16,181 --> 00:20:17,648 You guys 496 00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:18,883 Seem perfect for each other. 497 00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,585 Oh, my god. I know, right? 498 00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:21,819 Totally, it was like love at first sight. 499 00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:23,354 Hey, we should go out sometime. 500 00:20:23,356 --> 00:20:25,056 Are you seeing anyone? Because we could double-date. 501 00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:26,891 Would that be weird? No, it's not weird. We can go 502 00:20:26,893 --> 00:20:28,359 Have brunch down the street. I know this place. 503 00:20:28,361 --> 00:20:30,161 Do you guys like popovers? Because I love popovers. 504 00:20:30,163 --> 00:20:31,862 They're like croissants, but they're a little bit 505 00:20:31,864 --> 00:20:33,998 Less flaky and they're kind of round. 506 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,120 Hey, they have strawberry jam.