1 00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:04,536 Narrator: Kids, the spring of 2008 was a pretty great time for me. 2 00:00:04,538 --> 00:00:06,171 Stella and I had started dating, 3 00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:08,007 And I'd just gotten a big raise at work, 4 00:00:08,009 --> 00:00:09,842 So I decided to purchase something I knew 5 00:00:09,844 --> 00:00:11,176 Would be the envy of all my friends. 6 00:00:11,178 --> 00:00:12,945 A new car! 7 00:00:12,947 --> 00:00:15,948 Ted, this is new york city... you're never gonna drive it. 8 00:00:15,950 --> 00:00:17,883 This is a really, really stupid purchase, 9 00:00:17,885 --> 00:00:21,620 And I'm sorry, but none of us can support it. 10 00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:23,155 Shotgun for eternity! 11 00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:24,289 You can't call shotgun for eternity. 12 00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:25,524 I just called it. 13 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,359 You can't just call things, barney. 14 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:28,827 I call that I can call things! 15 00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:29,862 Nah-uh. Yeah-huh. Hey, baby. 16 00:00:29,864 --> 00:00:32,131 Beer. 17 00:00:32,999 --> 00:00:34,333 Are you okay? 18 00:00:34,335 --> 00:00:37,736 Beer. 19 00:00:43,143 --> 00:00:44,376 Okay, what happened? 20 00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:45,544 They always told me that, 21 00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:47,179 That working at a big law firm 22 00:00:47,181 --> 00:00:48,580 Was like being at war. 23 00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:50,582 Marshall: You get out of law school, 24 00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:51,650 It's like getting out of boot camp. 25 00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:52,584 That first day at work, 26 00:00:52,586 --> 00:00:53,852 You're storming the beaches, 27 00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:55,521 Full of piss and vinegar... 28 00:00:55,523 --> 00:00:57,256 Dude, we're lawyers now. 29 00:00:57,258 --> 00:00:58,490 Totally. 30 00:00:58,492 --> 00:00:59,925 We've got briefcases and everything. 31 00:00:59,927 --> 00:01:01,493 Freakin' briefcases. 32 00:01:01,495 --> 00:01:03,062 You have anything in yours? 33 00:01:03,064 --> 00:01:04,396 Totally empty. You? 34 00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:05,731 Candy bars. 35 00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:07,566 Oh! 36 00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:12,071 Then you get in the trenches side by side with your buddies, 37 00:01:12,073 --> 00:01:14,073 And you feel a sense of camaraderie. 38 00:01:14,075 --> 00:01:15,507 But before too long... 39 00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:16,575 Hey, marshall. 40 00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:17,843 The shells start to fall. 41 00:01:17,845 --> 00:01:19,244 Hello, arthur. 42 00:01:20,380 --> 00:01:21,847 Arthur hobbes is one of the senior partners 43 00:01:21,849 --> 00:01:24,650 At my firm, and he's... He's my boss. 44 00:01:25,351 --> 00:01:26,418 He seems like a nice guy, 45 00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:27,953 But he's got a nickname... 46 00:01:28,455 --> 00:01:30,422 Artillery arthur. 47 00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:31,757 How's your morning going? 48 00:01:31,759 --> 00:01:33,759 It's going fine; how is yours? 49 00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:35,294 Not too bad, not too bad. 50 00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:37,463 Hey, is ferguson in yet? 51 00:01:37,465 --> 00:01:39,531 He is, he's in... Just in his office next door. 52 00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:41,934 That's great. Have a good one, buddy. 53 00:01:41,936 --> 00:01:43,202 You, too. 54 00:01:44,737 --> 00:01:46,605 You never know who's gonna get hit... 55 00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,373 Arthur: Hey, ferguson! 56 00:01:48,375 --> 00:01:50,709 I read your report, and it's complete crap! 57 00:01:50,711 --> 00:01:52,911 No, you know what? That's an insult to crap. 58 00:01:52,913 --> 00:01:56,115 If crap could eat and then crap stuff out, it's that! 59 00:01:56,117 --> 00:01:59,651 Your report is the crap that crap craps! 60 00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:02,387 If you last two more days here, I'll be shocked! 61 00:02:02,389 --> 00:02:03,555 Shocked! 62 00:02:05,793 --> 00:02:07,292 It was brutal, 63 00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:09,695 But the worst was a few minutes later. 64 00:02:11,297 --> 00:02:12,865 Did you hear that? 65 00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:16,401 Yeah, sorry. 66 00:02:16,403 --> 00:02:17,669 Can you believe he did that 67 00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:20,706 On take your daughter to work day? 68 00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:25,844 So that brings us to today. 69 00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:27,146 Oh, no. 70 00:02:27,148 --> 00:02:28,313 A little background. 71 00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:29,848 So I'm working on this report 72 00:02:29,850 --> 00:02:33,318 Called "using 23-b-3 spurious class action precedent" 73 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:35,020 "to contest a class certification order 74 00:02:35,022 --> 00:02:37,656 Based on a lack of commonality, numerosity..." 75 00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:38,857 Dude, you lost us. 76 00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:40,292 Can't you just call it something cool 77 00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:41,493 Like "the ninja report"? 78 00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:44,363 Okay. Yeah, fine, whatever. 79 00:02:44,365 --> 00:02:45,597 Um, so I'm supposed 80 00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:47,299 To turn in "the ninja report" yesterday. 81 00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:48,667 Awesome. Ooh... Oh, wow. Cool. 82 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,936 But I got insanely busy with other stuff, 83 00:02:50,938 --> 00:02:53,172 I didn't get a chance to finish it, 84 00:02:53,174 --> 00:02:54,873 And then this morning... 85 00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:56,775 Arthur: Hey, ferguson. Ferguson: Hey, arthur. 86 00:02:56,777 --> 00:02:57,943 How's your day going? 87 00:02:57,945 --> 00:02:59,978 I gotta go. Great. How is yours? 88 00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:01,647 Great, great... hey, is marshall in yet? 89 00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:03,515 Oh, thank god. 90 00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,684 Yeah, he's right in there. 91 00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:08,206 Fantastic. Have a good one, buddy. 92 00:03:10,723 --> 00:03:12,491 And then... 93 00:03:12,493 --> 00:03:14,193 He screamed at me. 94 00:03:14,195 --> 00:03:16,195 Oh, baby, I'm so sorry. 95 00:03:16,197 --> 00:03:17,696 What, that's it? 96 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:20,899 You're upset because a guy talked loudly near you? 97 00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:22,634 Barney, I have never been screamed at 98 00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:23,969 Like that in my life. 99 00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:25,337 Come on, when's the last time 100 00:03:25,339 --> 00:03:26,638 You got screamed at at work? 101 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,473 I got screamed at three times today. 102 00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:30,042 Once in Korean. 103 00:03:30,843 --> 00:03:32,744 This is corporate america, marshall. 104 00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,713 Screaming is a motivational tool, 105 00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:37,082 Like christmas bonuses or sexual harassment. 106 00:03:37,084 --> 00:03:39,017 It's just good business. 107 00:03:39,019 --> 00:03:42,354 Oh, baby, it's just not fair. 108 00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:44,389 You've been working so hard. 109 00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:47,659 Late nights, weekends. 110 00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:50,229 I never see you. 111 00:03:52,498 --> 00:03:55,100 We've barely made love in weeks. 112 00:03:58,671 --> 00:04:01,073 It's bad, guys; mama needs her sugar. 113 00:04:01,075 --> 00:04:04,676 Look, marshall, he screamed at you, you took it. 114 00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:06,445 He probably respects you more for it. 115 00:04:06,447 --> 00:04:09,348 Yeah, about that... 116 00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:13,852 So arthur's busy giving me the full screaming treatment... 117 00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:16,755 Face turning red, 118 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:19,524 Vein in his forehead about to burst, 119 00:04:19,526 --> 00:04:23,028 Spittle flying like shrapnel. 120 00:04:23,030 --> 00:04:24,696 Everyone you work with walking by your office, 121 00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:27,666 Peering in. 122 00:04:30,203 --> 00:04:33,705 And suddenly, I just felt all of it. 123 00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:35,040 All of what? 124 00:04:35,042 --> 00:04:36,241 All of it. 125 00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:38,977 The fact that I became a lawyer to save the environment, 126 00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:41,113 And now I'm working for the bad guys instead. 127 00:04:41,115 --> 00:04:43,649 The fact that I am stuck in this job 128 00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:45,584 Because of a mortgage I can barely afford 129 00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:47,619 On an apartment that is crooked. 130 00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:48,754 The fact that 131 00:04:48,756 --> 00:04:49,888 I am a grown man, 132 00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:51,623 And nobody, not even artillery arthur, 133 00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:53,558 Has the right to talk to me like that! 134 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:54,760 Uh-oh. 135 00:04:54,762 --> 00:04:57,796 I begged my body not to do it. 136 00:04:59,165 --> 00:05:00,999 But it was no use. 137 00:05:02,669 --> 00:05:04,636 Oh, god! 138 00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:10,208 I just... I just... I just... 139 00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:17,916 Just because you weren't around for this, 140 00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:20,852 I called shotgun for all eternity in ted's car. 141 00:05:20,876 --> 00:05:29,776 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 142 00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:40,706 Dude, I can't believe you cried in front of your boss. 143 00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:42,174 I don't know what happened. 144 00:05:42,176 --> 00:05:43,942 There's just something about being yelled at like that, 145 00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:46,778 Like I was being scolded by my dad. 146 00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:49,514 Suddenly... Suddenly I was a little boy. 147 00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:51,883 Is "boy" the right word? 148 00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:54,853 I felt absolutely powerless. 149 00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:57,889 Flaccid... hell, I... I felt castrated. 150 00:05:57,891 --> 00:05:59,858 God, you're hot right now. 151 00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:02,894 And the worst thing is, tomorrow morning I have to walk 152 00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:05,364 Into arthur's office and give him the ninja report. 153 00:06:05,366 --> 00:06:07,399 Ooh. Ooh. Ninjas are cool. 154 00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:09,901 How the hell am I supposed to face this guy again? 155 00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:13,105 Here's what I would do if I were you. 156 00:06:13,740 --> 00:06:15,507 Hi, arthur. 157 00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:16,975 Hello, marshall. 158 00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:18,877 Have you finally finished the ninja report? 159 00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:21,213 Yeah, I got it. 160 00:06:21,581 --> 00:06:23,081 Right here. 161 00:06:24,817 --> 00:06:27,419 I think it's gonna blow you away. 162 00:06:27,421 --> 00:06:30,589 Please, I have a family. 163 00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:32,391 So we good? 164 00:06:32,393 --> 00:06:33,892 We're so good. 165 00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:36,495 Then why are you still in my office? 166 00:06:41,868 --> 00:06:44,703 Okay, gun violence might be the answer to everything 167 00:06:44,705 --> 00:06:46,438 Up in canada, robin, 168 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:49,908 But here in america, we solve our problems with words. 169 00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:52,511 Marshall, you go in and you dazzle this guy 170 00:06:52,513 --> 00:06:55,714 With a big eloquent speech defending human dignity. 171 00:06:55,716 --> 00:06:57,215 Like abraham lincoln. 172 00:06:57,217 --> 00:07:00,752 Yeah, because it's so easy just to bust out a big, 173 00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:02,854 Eloquent speech off the top of your head. 174 00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:05,123 Observe. 175 00:07:05,125 --> 00:07:06,425 Arthur? 176 00:07:06,427 --> 00:07:07,426 What do you want, marshall? 177 00:07:07,428 --> 00:07:09,561 Justice, sir. 178 00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:11,963 You see, we are all born with certain incontrovertible rights, 179 00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:14,266 The most fundamentally paramount of which 180 00:07:14,268 --> 00:07:16,401 Is the right... 181 00:07:16,403 --> 00:07:18,603 Wait, you can't be fundamentally paramount. 182 00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:20,539 One means highest, one means lowest. 183 00:07:20,541 --> 00:07:22,574 You are nailing this. 184 00:07:22,576 --> 00:07:24,543 Human beings have rights, 185 00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:27,479 And those rights are, um... 186 00:07:27,481 --> 00:07:29,614 You got me hooked, reel me in. 187 00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,583 There are certain justices 188 00:07:31,585 --> 00:07:33,251 That cannot or will not 189 00:07:33,253 --> 00:07:36,822 Be inalienable... As such... 190 00:07:36,824 --> 00:07:38,123 For the future. 191 00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,492 Stuck the landing... bravo! 192 00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:41,494 Thank you. 193 00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:46,565 Security's gonna rough you up a bit on the way out. 194 00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:52,270 Guys, guys, this is not helping, okay? 195 00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:54,806 I can't have some big confrontation with arthur. 196 00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:57,309 I need this job, I... I need the money. 197 00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:59,744 Yeah, but how good would it feel to walk in there tomorrow, 198 00:07:59,746 --> 00:08:01,012 Tell him off and then quit? 199 00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:02,080 It's great to fantasize about, 200 00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:04,316 But nobody ever actually does it. 201 00:08:04,318 --> 00:08:05,851 Gary blauman did it. 202 00:08:05,853 --> 00:08:09,020 Guy I used to work with, the guy's a legend now. 203 00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:11,656 We were at the morning meeting, and old blauman 204 00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:13,859 Was getting reamed out but good. 205 00:08:13,861 --> 00:08:15,494 Barney: Pretty much routine 206 00:08:15,496 --> 00:08:17,162 At the morning meeting, but then, 207 00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:19,865 On this particular day, something amazing happened. 208 00:08:19,867 --> 00:08:21,500 You made yourself look bad, 209 00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:23,301 You made this company look bad, and quite frankly, 210 00:08:23,303 --> 00:08:27,038 You made our friends, the north koreans, look bad! 211 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,707 And I'll tell you something else, 212 00:08:28,709 --> 00:08:30,375 Blauman, if you think for one moment... 213 00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:31,877 You know what, bilson? 214 00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:33,812 You can kiss my ass. 215 00:08:33,814 --> 00:08:36,014 Oh, snap. 216 00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:37,782 What? You heard me. 217 00:08:37,784 --> 00:08:40,185 I don't need to take your crap anymore. 218 00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:42,654 My cousin's website went public today, 219 00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:44,055 And I made a pile of money 220 00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:46,491 On the ipo, so you know what I think 221 00:08:46,493 --> 00:08:48,093 Of this whole damn company? 222 00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:50,795 O-kay. 223 00:08:51,899 --> 00:08:53,031 Oh, my god. 224 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:55,300 He peed on the conference table? 225 00:08:56,903 --> 00:08:58,737 Come on, come on, come on, 226 00:08:58,739 --> 00:09:00,705 Come on, come on, come on, come on. 227 00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:03,842 Uh, look, could you guys just look away for a second 228 00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:05,277 Till I get started? 229 00:09:05,845 --> 00:09:07,812 Come on. 230 00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:09,814 Come on. 231 00:09:09,816 --> 00:09:12,384 Does this help? 232 00:09:12,386 --> 00:09:14,819 Eventually, he just gave up and left. 233 00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:16,988 And then his cousin's website tanked. 234 00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:19,157 And then he became a janitor at an old folks' home 235 00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:23,228 And moved into a one-room apartment above a bowling alley. 236 00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:26,865 That's it? That's the end of the story? 237 00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:29,601 No, no, of course not... he died. 238 00:09:29,603 --> 00:09:31,236 How does that help me? 239 00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:33,171 How does any of this help me? 240 00:09:33,173 --> 00:09:35,240 Can somebody, for god's sakes, 241 00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:38,710 Please give me one piece of useful advice? 242 00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:40,979 Lily, control your woman. 243 00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:44,416 The lesson of blauman is that when your boss 244 00:09:44,418 --> 00:09:47,052 Screams at you, you never scream back. 245 00:09:47,054 --> 00:09:49,254 That's why there's a little thing in corporate america 246 00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:52,257 I like to call the chain of screaming. 247 00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:54,025 Chain of screaming? Yes. 248 00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:56,561 The chain of screaming starts at the top. 249 00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:59,931 Barney: Arthur's boss's boss screams at arthur's boss. 250 00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:02,634 Arthur's boss screams at arthur. 251 00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:04,803 Arthur screams at you. 252 00:10:04,805 --> 00:10:06,938 You go home and scream at lily. 253 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:11,443 Lily screams at one of the kids in her kindergarten class. 254 00:10:11,445 --> 00:10:14,646 Then that kid screams at her dad, 255 00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:17,082 Arthur's boss's boss. 256 00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:19,951 And the whole thing starts all over again, 257 00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:23,254 Thus completing the circle of screaming. 258 00:10:23,256 --> 00:10:25,156 I thought it was a chain of screaming. 259 00:10:25,158 --> 00:10:27,459 It's a circle, ted, I called it a circle. 260 00:10:27,461 --> 00:10:29,427 I don't scream at lily. 261 00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:31,296 And I don't scream at my kids, 262 00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:34,165 None of whom have parents who work at marshall's firm. 263 00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:36,067 So it's not a circle. 264 00:10:36,069 --> 00:10:38,103 Fine... you want it to be a chain of screaming, 265 00:10:38,105 --> 00:10:39,771 It's a chain of screaming. 266 00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:41,439 I came up with the circle idea halfway through, 267 00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:43,074 'cause I thought it was a more elegant metaphor, 268 00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:44,676 But fine, ruin it! 269 00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:46,611 You guys always undermine me 270 00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:48,813 When I'm trying to make a point, and I'm sick of it! 271 00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:51,783 God, I'm surrounded by idiots! 272 00:10:51,785 --> 00:10:53,752 Idiots! 273 00:10:55,921 --> 00:10:58,790 See, doesn't everyone feel better now? 274 00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:00,792 Lily, I need your take on this. 275 00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:02,327 What... What should I do? 276 00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:04,663 Well, what I teach my kids in kindergarten... 277 00:11:04,665 --> 00:11:06,097 Oh, god. 278 00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:08,667 Is, when dealing with a bully, 279 00:11:08,669 --> 00:11:10,168 The most important thing 280 00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:12,437 Is to be constructive and positive. 281 00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:14,105 Hello, arthur. 282 00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:15,473 Hello, marshall. 283 00:11:15,475 --> 00:11:18,009 I have the ninja report right here. 284 00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:19,344 But arthur, 285 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:22,614 In the future, if you want someone to do their best work, 286 00:11:22,616 --> 00:11:25,850 Try to motivate them not with fear and intimidation, 287 00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:30,422 But through encouragement, inspiration and respect. 288 00:11:31,157 --> 00:11:32,691 Well said, marshall. 289 00:11:32,693 --> 00:11:34,793 I... I needed to hear that. 290 00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:36,961 By the way, 291 00:11:36,963 --> 00:11:38,363 I saw your wife's picture in your office. 292 00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:39,864 That is one tasty slice. 293 00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:41,232 Oh, you're damn right. 294 00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:43,902 You know what I'm gonna do when I get home? 295 00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:45,370 Oh, yeah. 296 00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:47,539 I'm gonna rip that girl's clothes off... 297 00:11:47,541 --> 00:11:48,973 That's it. 298 00:11:48,975 --> 00:11:50,208 Just throw her on the bed... 299 00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:51,743 That's where she belongs. 300 00:11:51,745 --> 00:11:54,546 And drive her home like a pack of sled dogs! 301 00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:56,081 Oh, yeah! Yeah! 302 00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:00,819 It's bad, guys. 303 00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:02,721 Mama needs it bad. 304 00:12:04,056 --> 00:12:06,524 You're right, baby, it's about respect. 305 00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:09,027 That is the first useful thing anyone's said to me tonight. 306 00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:10,562 Can you give me that speech again? 307 00:12:10,564 --> 00:12:12,897 I'm gonna drive her home like a pack of... 308 00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:14,232 No, the other part, please. 309 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:16,735 I have the ninja report right here, but... 310 00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:19,204 Narrator: And it seemed like that was the end of it, 311 00:12:19,206 --> 00:12:20,672 But it wasn't, because the next night... 312 00:12:20,674 --> 00:12:22,741 Which of these carpets would look better 313 00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:24,242 In the new apartment? 314 00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:27,245 I like the color of this one, but this one's so soft. 315 00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,547 It would feel great on your bare feet... 316 00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:34,119 Or your bare back, a bead of eager sweat 317 00:12:34,121 --> 00:12:35,954 Rolling down 318 00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:37,922 Your trembling bosom. 319 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,761 Lily, didn't we just go through this with bathroom tiles? 320 00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:46,731 Hey. 321 00:12:46,733 --> 00:12:47,799 Shh, don't say my name. 322 00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:49,634 Lily can't know it's me. 323 00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:51,202 Just pretend you're talking to stella. 324 00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:52,103 Be all lovey dovey. 325 00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:54,205 Hey, stella. 326 00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,875 Sweetie, how's it going? 327 00:12:56,877 --> 00:13:00,145 Not good, not good at all. 328 00:13:00,147 --> 00:13:01,780 Where are you right now? 329 00:13:01,782 --> 00:13:04,616 Right downstairs, come find me. 330 00:13:04,618 --> 00:13:06,117 Without lily. 331 00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:09,053 Okay, I'll, uh, I'll see you soon. 332 00:13:09,055 --> 00:13:10,922 I love you. 333 00:13:10,924 --> 00:13:13,191 I love you, too. 334 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:18,163 Wow, you two are already saying the "I" word, huh? 335 00:13:18,165 --> 00:13:19,731 Apparently. 336 00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:22,667 You hittin' that? 337 00:13:29,842 --> 00:13:30,842 Uh-oh. 338 00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:33,244 I'm in trouble, ted. 339 00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:39,117 Ted, I'm freakin' out, man. 340 00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:42,287 Um... It's a new car, so just be careful... 341 00:13:42,289 --> 00:13:44,322 I did something stupid... Can we just drive somewhere? 342 00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:45,857 I need to get away... Just drive, man. 343 00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:47,559 Please just drive. 344 00:13:48,627 --> 00:13:50,962 It's just, this is a really good parking spot. 345 00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:52,263 Dude! 346 00:13:52,265 --> 00:13:54,332 Look, just tell me what happened first. 347 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,334 Okay. Remember how I said I was gonna give that big speech 348 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,269 That lily told me to give, be firm but respectful? 349 00:13:58,271 --> 00:14:00,171 Well, it didn't totally go that way. 350 00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:02,213 There is a lot of ketchup on that burger. 351 00:14:02,274 --> 00:14:04,642 Sorry... what happened? 352 00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:06,678 After we all finished talking last night, 353 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:09,040 I went to the diner to finish working on the ninja report. 354 00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:11,449 Hey, marshall. 355 00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:14,953 How long have you been sitting there? 356 00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:17,856 If you go in there with lily's kindergarten nonsense, 357 00:14:17,858 --> 00:14:19,524 You're gonna get torn apart. 358 00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:21,392 I'm here to save your life... You hungry? 359 00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:23,394 Yeah, I was just about to order. 360 00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:24,796 What do you want? 361 00:14:24,798 --> 00:14:26,030 A bit and gravy fries. 362 00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:26,865 Mmm. 363 00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:27,999 Okay, friends, 364 00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:28,967 What do you like? 365 00:14:28,969 --> 00:14:30,802 A green tea with lemon for me, 366 00:14:30,804 --> 00:14:33,037 And for my friend here, the meatloaf, please. 367 00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:34,205 Very good. 368 00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,407 No, I didn't want meatloaf. 369 00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:39,577 Marshall, the chain of screaming is a real thing. 370 00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:43,314 Arthur screamed at you; now you have to scream at someone else. 371 00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:44,316 No, I don't. 372 00:14:44,317 --> 00:14:45,683 Yes, you do, 373 00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:47,919 Or else that anger is gonna eat you alive. 374 00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:50,154 Who would I even scream at? 375 00:14:50,156 --> 00:14:51,422 I don't know. 376 00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:54,325 How about somebody who's disappointed you? 377 00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:56,561 Someone who's let you down? 378 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,863 Someone who's gonna bring you meatloaf 379 00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:04,068 When you explicitly ordered a bit and gravy fries? 380 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,573 No. 381 00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,341 Hey, I was just heading to the bar. 382 00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:11,709 What are you guys doing out here? 383 00:15:11,711 --> 00:15:12,944 Oh, I was just telling ted a story. 384 00:15:12,946 --> 00:15:14,913 Ooh, I like stories. 385 00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:16,948 You want a lick? 386 00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:20,551 What? Is that ice cream cone big enough? 387 00:15:20,553 --> 00:15:23,054 Uh, it's delicious enough. 388 00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:24,956 Okay, so... 389 00:15:24,958 --> 00:15:26,257 Then I say to barney... 390 00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:29,193 I'm not gonna scream at the waiter, barney. 391 00:15:29,195 --> 00:15:30,662 Yes, you are. 392 00:15:31,297 --> 00:15:33,197 That waiter is every boss 393 00:15:33,199 --> 00:15:34,799 And every bully 394 00:15:34,801 --> 00:15:37,101 Who ever embarrassed or belittled you. 395 00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:39,437 And how dare he deny you 396 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,239 The one thing that you want, 397 00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:43,041 That would make you happy at this moment, 398 00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:45,476 A bit and gravy fries! 399 00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:49,948 One green tea with lemon, one meatloaf. 400 00:15:49,950 --> 00:15:52,951 Enjoy, my friends. 401 00:15:52,953 --> 00:15:53,885 Marshall. 402 00:15:53,887 --> 00:15:55,553 Excuse me? 403 00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:58,456 Yes? 404 00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,391 This is not what I ordered. 405 00:16:00,393 --> 00:16:02,913 Yes, it is. 406 00:16:05,297 --> 00:16:07,265 I beg your pardon, sir, 407 00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:10,635 But I ordered a bit and gravy fries, 408 00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:13,004 And as the customer, I'm always right, so... 409 00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:16,641 No, no, I am not going to stand here and take this! 410 00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:20,678 I am at the end of a triple shift... that's 18 hours!... 411 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:21,646 And then I have 412 00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:23,648 To take two trains and a bus to astoria 413 00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:27,151 To have my wife scream at me because I'm never home. 414 00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:30,588 No, no, you eat your damn meatloaf! 415 00:16:32,791 --> 00:16:34,792 Hey, what are you guys doing out here? 416 00:16:34,794 --> 00:16:36,661 Oh, sweet, can I get a toot? 417 00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:38,363 Against car rules, it's against car rules! 418 00:16:38,365 --> 00:16:40,264 Oh, ted, relax, it's cuban. 419 00:16:40,266 --> 00:16:42,266 People pay to have their car smell like this. 420 00:16:42,268 --> 00:16:44,802 Well, that's just not true. 421 00:16:44,804 --> 00:16:46,504 Oh, marshall, switch seats with me. 422 00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:47,839 I called shotgun for all eternity. 423 00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:49,273 You can't call shotgun for eternity. 424 00:16:49,275 --> 00:16:50,141 Well, that's funny, 'cause I did! 425 00:16:50,143 --> 00:16:51,676 It's case by case. 426 00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:54,746 Guys, I'm telling a life-altering story here! 427 00:16:55,447 --> 00:16:57,648 A 20% tip, really, for that waiter? 428 00:16:57,650 --> 00:17:00,551 I don't know, barney, he worked a triple... I can't believe... 429 00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:02,787 You know what, if you're not gonna yell at the waiter, 430 00:17:02,789 --> 00:17:04,022 Yell at me. 431 00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:05,523 What? Yell at me. 432 00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:07,358 I'm not gonna yell at you, barney. 433 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,360 What, what, you think you're gonna upset me? 434 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:11,396 Please, give me your best shot. 435 00:17:11,398 --> 00:17:13,297 Okay, fine... what, you want me to yell at you? 436 00:17:13,299 --> 00:17:13,998 Yeah. 437 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,067 This is me 438 00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:18,069 Yelling at you, barney. 439 00:17:18,071 --> 00:17:21,305 I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of a butterfly 440 00:17:21,307 --> 00:17:23,741 Landing on a leaf about three blocks away. 441 00:17:23,743 --> 00:17:26,844 This is me yelling at you, barney! 442 00:17:26,846 --> 00:17:29,881 Okay, you got some volume, now give me some content. 443 00:17:29,883 --> 00:17:31,049 Make it hurt. 444 00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:34,385 You don't look as good in suits as you think you do! 445 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,220 No, something that's true... Come on. 446 00:17:36,222 --> 00:17:37,488 The man made you cry. 447 00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:39,190 Make me cry. 448 00:17:39,192 --> 00:17:40,324 Your mom's a slut! 449 00:17:40,326 --> 00:17:41,826 Yes. 450 00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:44,729 Your mom's a slut, and I'm sorry, barney, 451 00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:47,231 But you and your brother clearly have different fathers, 452 00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:48,599 And you know why? 453 00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:50,902 It's probably because your mom is a slutty slut! 454 00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:51,702 Keep going. 455 00:17:51,704 --> 00:17:53,404 I don't care what you say. 456 00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:55,006 Bob barker is not your father! 457 00:17:55,008 --> 00:17:57,442 Okay, now, well, that's just not cool. 458 00:17:57,444 --> 00:17:59,343 Oh, my god, barney, I'm so sorry, I really... 459 00:17:59,345 --> 00:18:00,244 No, I'm kidding... Keep going. 460 00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:01,946 Bob barker's not your father! 461 00:18:01,948 --> 00:18:05,383 You've concocted this delusional idea that a game show host 462 00:18:05,385 --> 00:18:07,251 Is your real father, and he's not! 463 00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:09,120 You were abandoned, barney! 464 00:18:09,122 --> 00:18:11,289 You were abandoned, and you never dealt with it, 465 00:18:11,291 --> 00:18:13,024 And so now you never allow yourself 466 00:18:13,026 --> 00:18:14,859 To feel anything, and that's how you survive 467 00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:16,561 In this corporate world, and if I keep heading 468 00:18:16,563 --> 00:18:18,930 Down this path, I'm gonna turn into you! 469 00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:21,065 And I don't want that! 470 00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:22,767 I don't want any of this! 471 00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:24,969 This is not why I became a lawyer. 472 00:18:24,971 --> 00:18:27,872 This is not the person that I wanted to be. 473 00:18:27,874 --> 00:18:30,408 I quit, arthur! 474 00:18:30,410 --> 00:18:32,977 I quit! 475 00:18:34,913 --> 00:18:39,050 Well, thank you, eriksen, I needed to hear that. 476 00:18:39,052 --> 00:18:41,385 Really, 'cause I didn't mean to attack you personally, 477 00:18:41,387 --> 00:18:42,820 It's just that I... 478 00:18:42,822 --> 00:18:44,622 No, no, no, the part where you said, "I quit." 479 00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:46,924 Now we don't have to pay you a severance package. 480 00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:51,929 Uh, security's gonna rough you up a bit on the way out. 481 00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:00,638 Robin, you dropped a little ice cream... 482 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:01,572 Dude! Dude! Dude! 483 00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:02,673 I'm sorry. 484 00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:04,642 Don't blame this on me, marshall. 485 00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:06,644 I told you to yell at someone beneath you. 486 00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:08,513 The circle of screaming is... 487 00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:10,648 The chain of scr... 488 00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:13,184 Pyramid... The pyramid of screaming! 489 00:19:13,186 --> 00:19:14,919 The pyramid of screaming. 490 00:19:14,921 --> 00:19:16,988 How am I supposed to tell lily? 491 00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:19,323 She supported me through three years of law school, 492 00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:21,826 And now is the time when I'm supposed to pay her back. 493 00:19:22,594 --> 00:19:24,595 Now we're gonna lose the apartment. 494 00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:26,497 The place where we were gonna raise our children. 495 00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:28,866 How am I supposed to tell the person who I love 496 00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:30,668 More than anything in this world 497 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,670 That I've just thrown away our future? 498 00:19:34,439 --> 00:19:35,673 Hey. 499 00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,510 Everybody out, everybody out of the new car! 500 00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:40,678 Out of the new car! 501 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,780 Ted, screaming never solves anything. 502 00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:47,351 Narrator: And so, marshall finally had to tell lily what happened. 503 00:19:47,353 --> 00:19:49,320 I'm so sorry. 504 00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:51,656 I just lost it. 505 00:19:51,658 --> 00:19:53,624 But I can fix it. 506 00:19:53,626 --> 00:19:55,726 First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna go in there 507 00:19:55,728 --> 00:20:01,165 On my hands and knees and... And beg for my job back. 508 00:20:01,167 --> 00:20:03,034 No, you're not. 509 00:20:03,036 --> 00:20:04,869 What? 510 00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:09,173 Marshall, our future isn't money or an apartment. 511 00:20:09,175 --> 00:20:11,842 And it's definitely not you being miserable 512 00:20:11,844 --> 00:20:13,644 At that horrible job. 513 00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:17,882 I'm just happy to have my husband back. 514 00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:21,085 We'll figure the rest out. 515 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:24,088 I love you. 516 00:20:24,090 --> 00:20:25,957 I love you, too. 517 00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:30,061 Narrator: Ultimately, they were able to make ends meet 518 00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:33,664 Without going bust on the apartment. 519 00:20:34,266 --> 00:20:36,033 You sure about this? 520 00:20:36,035 --> 00:20:39,971 Yeah, who needs a car in new york city, right? 521 00:20:41,039 --> 00:20:43,407 Ted, I don't think I can accept... 522 00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:45,743 Marshall, don't make me scream at you. 523 00:20:48,347 --> 00:20:49,780 Thanks a lot, buddy. 524 00:20:52,584 --> 00:20:54,352 You guys did it in the car, didn't... 525 00:20:54,354 --> 00:20:55,987 Oh, yeah. 526 00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,898 Definitely this one. 527 00:21:07,900 --> 00:21:09,200 Yeah.