1 00:00:01,134 --> 00:00:02,868 Narrator: Well, kids, here we are. 2 00:00:02,870 --> 00:00:04,136 We've arrived. 3 00:00:04,138 --> 00:00:05,437 My 30th birthday. 4 00:00:05,439 --> 00:00:07,439 The long-awaited story of... 5 00:00:08,609 --> 00:00:11,643 That week started just like any other. 6 00:00:11,645 --> 00:00:14,513 Barney woke up in some girl's bed. 7 00:00:17,450 --> 00:00:20,019 In my experience, the way this normally goes is, 8 00:00:20,021 --> 00:00:22,187 We lie here for a while, 9 00:00:22,189 --> 00:00:24,790 Make a little awkward chitchat. 10 00:00:24,792 --> 00:00:27,192 Check. 11 00:00:28,461 --> 00:00:30,863 Then I make up some cabinet meeting, heart surgery, 12 00:00:30,865 --> 00:00:33,032 Rocket test flight I've got to be at, 13 00:00:33,034 --> 00:00:35,734 Slip out of the apartment and never call you again. 14 00:00:35,736 --> 00:00:37,169 And later at the bar, 15 00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:38,804 You tell your good friend robin 16 00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:40,305 The story of your latest conquest, 17 00:00:40,307 --> 00:00:42,074 And she thinks to herself, 18 00:00:42,076 --> 00:00:44,910 "who is this sad, self-loathing idiot 19 00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:47,146 Who climbed into bed with barney stinson?" 20 00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:48,881 Hmm. 21 00:00:48,883 --> 00:00:52,418 Actually, you usually say that out loud. 22 00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:55,654 So... 23 00:00:57,323 --> 00:01:01,160 I just slept with my best friend's ex-girlfriend. 24 00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:02,561 And I just slept 25 00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,830 With my ex-boyfriend's really good friend. 26 00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:06,231 Best friend. 27 00:01:08,168 --> 00:01:10,169 Okay, here's the deal, barney. 28 00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:12,037 The second my feet touch the ground, 29 00:01:12,039 --> 00:01:13,872 This never happened. 30 00:01:13,874 --> 00:01:15,707 Okay. 31 00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:17,176 Wait. 32 00:01:17,178 --> 00:01:19,178 Right click, save as... 33 00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:22,314 Into the .Bpeg folder, and okay. 34 00:01:23,183 --> 00:01:24,917 This never happened. 35 00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:27,219 It's a good plan. 36 00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:30,756 Now we go back to exactly the way things were before. 37 00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:31,690 Okay. 38 00:01:31,692 --> 00:01:32,692 Okay. 39 00:01:32,693 --> 00:01:34,026 Right. 40 00:01:34,028 --> 00:01:35,127 So, robin? 41 00:01:35,129 --> 00:01:37,262 Yes, barney? 42 00:01:37,264 --> 00:01:40,599 Guess who nailed the chick from metro news 1 last night? 43 00:01:58,885 --> 00:02:02,054 Okay, uh, let me take a shower, 44 00:02:02,056 --> 00:02:04,089 Till June, and, um, 45 00:02:04,091 --> 00:02:05,958 Since you were never here to begin with, 46 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:06,925 You won't be here when I get out. 47 00:02:06,927 --> 00:02:08,794 Okay. Okay. 48 00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:10,562 This never happened. 49 00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:15,000 Never happened. 50 00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:16,602 Never... Happened. 51 00:02:16,604 --> 00:02:18,670 Narrator: But pretending it never happened 52 00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:19,905 Wouldn't be that easy. 53 00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:21,106 Ted: So, tell us, 54 00:02:21,108 --> 00:02:22,508 What was it like? 55 00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:23,242 What? 56 00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:24,510 Penetrating that barrier. 57 00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:25,277 You and I are 58 00:02:25,279 --> 00:02:26,778 The first ones to hit it. 59 00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:29,414 Certainly, but the first ones at this table. 60 00:02:29,416 --> 00:02:31,917 I... I... I... 61 00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:34,253 I'm... I'm... 62 00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:36,288 Although, I'm gonna be hitting it pretty soon. 63 00:02:36,290 --> 00:02:38,123 Ted: Mm-hmm. Yeah, you are. 64 00:02:38,125 --> 00:02:40,659 Yeah, and when I hit it, I'm going to go nuts. 65 00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:44,329 It's gonna be all night, and I think I want a clown there. 66 00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:46,765 I'm a little bit scared of clowns, but for you, I'm there. 67 00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:47,966 Lily: Yay! 68 00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:49,535 What are you taking about?! 69 00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:50,537 The big three-oh. 70 00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:52,771 My 30th birthday's this Friday. 71 00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:53,605 Did you forget? 72 00:02:53,607 --> 00:02:55,841 What kind of friend is this guy? 73 00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,109 Ha-ha, right. 74 00:02:57,111 --> 00:02:58,944 A great friend, by the way. 75 00:02:58,946 --> 00:03:00,812 The best. 76 00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:01,980 Is it my imagination, 77 00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:03,615 Or are these drinks getting smaller? 78 00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:06,618 If this were a doctor's office, they'd say, "try again." 79 00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:09,655 How you doing there, robin? 80 00:03:09,657 --> 00:03:12,124 I'm good. Ted: Oh, so, I made a decision. 81 00:03:12,126 --> 00:03:13,959 I'm going to go through all my old stuff, 82 00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:16,328 And I'm getting rid of anything I have no use for anymore. 83 00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:17,729 Hmm. Barney, you want my xbox? 84 00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:20,365 Ted, she has a name! 85 00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:23,168 And just what are you accusing me of? 86 00:03:23,170 --> 00:03:24,970 Liking video games? 87 00:03:24,972 --> 00:03:26,238 I'm gonna get a drink. 88 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:27,639 Hmm. I'll come with you. 89 00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:28,807 Okay. 90 00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:29,975 God, this is awkward. 91 00:03:29,977 --> 00:03:31,577 What is? 92 00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:32,811 Being around ted. 93 00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:33,979 Why? 94 00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:36,148 Because of our thing. What thing? 95 00:03:36,150 --> 00:03:37,983 You're really gonna pretend this never happened? 96 00:03:37,985 --> 00:03:39,818 What never happened? 97 00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:41,086 Hey. 98 00:03:41,088 --> 00:03:42,221 Hey. 99 00:03:42,223 --> 00:03:43,889 What are you guys talking about? 100 00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:45,490 Nothing. 101 00:03:45,492 --> 00:03:47,893 Guys, cut the act. I know. 102 00:03:49,929 --> 00:03:52,497 I know about the surprise party you guys are throwing me. 103 00:03:52,499 --> 00:03:54,166 Marshall let it slip earlier today. 104 00:03:54,168 --> 00:03:55,667 Marshall. 105 00:03:55,669 --> 00:03:57,236 Hey, I'll totally act surprised and everything. 106 00:03:57,238 --> 00:03:58,937 Just be sure to invite stella. 107 00:03:58,939 --> 00:04:00,172 Stella! 108 00:04:00,174 --> 00:04:02,174 You have a serious girlfriend now! 109 00:04:02,176 --> 00:04:03,775 You're over this one. 110 00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:05,277 Robin who, right? 111 00:04:05,279 --> 00:04:07,179 Stella makes this one look 112 00:04:07,181 --> 00:04:09,815 Like a filthy bag of garbage, am I right? 113 00:04:11,050 --> 00:04:12,684 Happy birthday, bro. 114 00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:18,190 Hello. 115 00:04:18,192 --> 00:04:20,525 Hey, marshall, I need your help. 116 00:04:20,527 --> 00:04:23,228 Yeah, I'm kind of real focused on the job hunt right now. 117 00:04:23,230 --> 00:04:24,763 I know. I want to hire you. 118 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:28,367 For the last time, barney, I will not be your butler. 119 00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:30,202 I need a lawyer. 120 00:04:30,204 --> 00:04:31,603 I'll pay you. 121 00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:33,205 How much? 122 00:04:33,207 --> 00:04:34,740 A little. 123 00:04:34,742 --> 00:04:36,975 I'll take it. 124 00:04:38,077 --> 00:04:39,244 Hey. 125 00:04:39,246 --> 00:04:41,613 Hey. So, I'm reading this, and, I got to say, 126 00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:43,949 This might be a little bit over my head. 127 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,951 For one thing, I'm fairly certain 128 00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:48,420 That if these contracts aren't executed precisely, 129 00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:51,623 We will be at war with portugal. 130 00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:52,758 Forget that. 131 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:55,294 That's a Tuesday for me. 132 00:04:55,296 --> 00:04:56,461 New shredder. 133 00:04:56,463 --> 00:04:59,464 This baby'll chew up a bicycle in 17 seconds. 134 00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:02,834 From sky mall. It's all from sky mall. 135 00:05:02,836 --> 00:05:04,603 Whenever I get upset, I shop at sky mall. 136 00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:06,305 Want a hot dog? Of course. 137 00:05:06,307 --> 00:05:09,174 Why are you upset? 138 00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:11,476 Marshall, I'm about to tell you a secret 139 00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:13,679 That you can't tell anyone... not ted, 140 00:05:13,681 --> 00:05:15,514 Not robin, not lily. 141 00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:18,283 No. No, no, no, I don't want any more secrets, 142 00:05:18,285 --> 00:05:20,585 Especially now that I know what you guys did 143 00:05:20,587 --> 00:05:22,487 To the drinking water in lisbon. I... 144 00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:24,623 You are hearing this secret, marshall. 145 00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:26,692 I... I slept... 146 00:05:26,694 --> 00:05:29,261 Stop... Stop doing that. 147 00:05:29,263 --> 00:05:30,429 I slept... 148 00:05:30,431 --> 00:05:32,197 ♪ laba-da bay-doh 149 00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:34,433 ♪ hicka-ba-ta-bo... 150 00:05:34,435 --> 00:05:35,867 I slept with robin. 151 00:05:36,769 --> 00:05:38,970 You slept with robin? 152 00:05:44,043 --> 00:05:46,511 Hmm. 153 00:05:47,947 --> 00:05:49,214 Are you mad at me? 154 00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:51,783 I don't know. 155 00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:53,118 How's the hot dog? 156 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:54,786 It's helping. 157 00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:56,555 You slept with robin?! 158 00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:57,956 I... I cannot keep that secret. 159 00:05:57,958 --> 00:05:59,024 I mean, you know 160 00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:00,292 I at least have to tell lily. 161 00:06:00,294 --> 00:06:01,293 You can't. You can't tell anyone. 162 00:06:01,295 --> 00:06:02,661 Attorney-client privilege. 163 00:06:02,663 --> 00:06:04,629 Why are you doing this to me?! 164 00:06:04,631 --> 00:06:07,132 Because I need you, marshall, as my lawyer, 165 00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:09,368 To prove that I didn't do anything wrong. 166 00:06:09,370 --> 00:06:11,370 How can I help you as your lawyer? 167 00:06:11,372 --> 00:06:13,805 You didn't break any laws, did you? 168 00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:16,875 Robin knows you slept with her, doesn't she? 169 00:06:18,244 --> 00:06:20,679 I didn't break any state or federal laws, 170 00:06:20,681 --> 00:06:24,483 But I think I broke a much, much higher law. 171 00:06:24,485 --> 00:06:26,651 The bro code. 172 00:06:26,653 --> 00:06:28,153 ♪ 173 00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:29,755 Narrator: For many years, 174 00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:31,056 We had heard barney quote the bro code, 175 00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:33,925 A list of do's and don'ts for all bros. 176 00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:35,394 Some were basic. 177 00:06:35,396 --> 00:06:38,330 Bro code article one: "bros before hoes." 178 00:06:38,332 --> 00:06:40,899 Some were unbelievably complicated. 179 00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:43,001 Bro code article 89: 180 00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:45,203 "the mom of a bro is always off limits, 181 00:06:45,205 --> 00:06:49,408 "but the stepmom of a bro is fair game if she initiates it, 182 00:06:49,410 --> 00:06:51,443 "and/or is wearing at least one article 183 00:06:51,445 --> 00:06:53,011 Of leopard print clothing." 184 00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:55,180 And some were just plain disturbing. 185 00:06:55,182 --> 00:06:57,215 Bro code article 34: 186 00:06:57,217 --> 00:07:01,987 "bros cannot make eye contact during a devil's three-way." 187 00:07:02,855 --> 00:07:04,022 Two dudes. 188 00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:08,193 This is not a legal document. 189 00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:10,028 This is just something you wrote. 190 00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:12,197 You think I wrote that? 191 00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:13,432 Oh, marshall, 192 00:07:13,434 --> 00:07:15,901 Don't you know the glorious history 193 00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:18,203 Of the bro code? 194 00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:20,372 The year was 1776. 195 00:07:20,374 --> 00:07:22,641 The place: Philadelphia. 196 00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:25,210 Benjamin franklin and george washington were having a drink. 197 00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:27,312 But, bro, seriously, 198 00:07:27,314 --> 00:07:29,581 I calleth dibs on that wench. 199 00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:32,451 You codpiece blocked me. 200 00:07:32,453 --> 00:07:33,718 So what if I did? 201 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:35,120 There's no rule against it. 202 00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:36,588 Well, there should be. 203 00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:38,390 There should be a set of rules that govern 204 00:07:38,392 --> 00:07:40,625 The way bros comport themselves among other bros. 205 00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:42,828 But who shall write such a document? 206 00:07:42,830 --> 00:07:46,598 I have to go to me, d.C., and pose for the dollar bill. 207 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:49,401 And I have to do some kite-flying or something. 208 00:07:49,403 --> 00:07:51,069 I shall write this set of rules. 209 00:07:51,071 --> 00:07:54,473 And I shall inscribe it on the back of the constitution. 210 00:07:54,475 --> 00:07:57,075 To save paper. 211 00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:58,243 It's resolved! 212 00:07:58,245 --> 00:08:00,078 Barnabas stinson shall write... 213 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,813 The bro code. 214 00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:05,083 And I shall include a provision 215 00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:08,119 That stateth no eye contact in a devil's three-way. 216 00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:09,761 Seconded. Seconded. 217 00:08:12,091 --> 00:08:14,526 Listen, what do you want me for? I've just been 218 00:08:14,528 --> 00:08:17,596 Losing my mind lately, and do you know why I feel so bad? 219 00:08:17,598 --> 00:08:19,264 Yeah, because you slept with robin. 220 00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:20,832 No, that was awesome. 221 00:08:21,467 --> 00:08:22,767 I feel bad 222 00:08:22,769 --> 00:08:24,769 Because the bro code clearly states 223 00:08:24,771 --> 00:08:27,105 "no sex with your bro's ex." 224 00:08:27,107 --> 00:08:28,039 But if you, 225 00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:31,276 My lawyer, can find a loophole somewhere, 226 00:08:31,278 --> 00:08:33,378 Then that bad feeling will go bye-bye. 227 00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:35,847 And you would pay me for that? 228 00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:38,049 No, I'll just be the one shredding your paperwork. 229 00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:40,952 Technically, you'll be paid by a toy factory in pyongyang. 230 00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:44,289 Barney, I'm no shrink, okay, but don't you see that this is 231 00:08:44,291 --> 00:08:45,891 Just a desperate way for you 232 00:08:45,893 --> 00:08:48,793 To avoid an unpleasant confrontation with ted? 233 00:08:48,795 --> 00:08:50,996 Hey, if I wanted a psychological evaluation, 234 00:08:50,998 --> 00:08:52,531 I'd hire the guy we pay 235 00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:54,032 To hypnotize us before depositions. 236 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,500 Now, get cracking! 237 00:08:55,502 --> 00:08:57,469 While marshall examined the bro code, 238 00:08:57,471 --> 00:08:59,871 Lily's kindergarten class welcomed a special guest. 239 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,574 And with a little luck, in a few days, 240 00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:04,743 Farmer frank's cold will be all gone. 241 00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:08,480 And that's why farmer frank's breath smells like medicine. 242 00:09:08,482 --> 00:09:10,148 Right, farmer frank? 243 00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:11,683 You got it, toots. 244 00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:14,719 Any last questions for farmer frank? Yes. 245 00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:17,656 Will we ever get to see missy the goat again? 246 00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:19,157 Oh! Ah, isn't that sweet! 247 00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:20,492 Well, you know, honey, 248 00:09:20,494 --> 00:09:21,826 Right after this, 249 00:09:21,828 --> 00:09:24,496 I'm gonna drop old missy off at the butcher shop. 250 00:09:24,498 --> 00:09:25,664 And they're going to take 251 00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:27,666 A great big knife... 252 00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:30,201 And frank went on to traumatize lily's entire class 253 00:09:30,203 --> 00:09:32,704 With a graphic explanation of where meat comes from. 254 00:09:32,706 --> 00:09:36,675 So not one little scrap of missy goes to waste. 255 00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:40,912 Ms. Aldrin, please don't let them eat missy. 256 00:09:40,936 --> 00:09:46,936 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 257 00:09:49,088 --> 00:09:50,288 I know, I know. 258 00:09:50,290 --> 00:09:52,223 I already called an animal rescue, 259 00:09:52,225 --> 00:09:54,726 And they're going to come get her on Monday. 260 00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:57,362 Monday?! Where's she going to sleep and eat 261 00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:59,197 And go to the bathroom?! 262 00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:03,902 Okay, where's she going to sleep and eat? 263 00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:06,571 I-I guess I'll keep her up on the roof. 264 00:10:06,573 --> 00:10:08,273 Look, call me crazy. I just... 265 00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:10,976 I don't think having a goat in the apartment is a good idea. 266 00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:13,078 And, boy, was I right, because what missy the goat 267 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:16,381 Would go on to do in that bathroom was so... 268 00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:17,749 no, you know what? 269 00:10:17,751 --> 00:10:19,651 I'm getting ahead of myself. 270 00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:21,286 We'll get there. 271 00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:22,554 Hey, ted. 272 00:10:22,556 --> 00:10:24,389 Hey. 273 00:10:24,391 --> 00:10:25,423 You ready to, um... 274 00:10:25,425 --> 00:10:26,958 Where'd the goat turd come from? 275 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,727 How'd you know that was a goat turd? 276 00:10:28,729 --> 00:10:29,928 Well, it was either that, 277 00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:31,997 Or a musk ox turd, and I figured, 278 00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:34,766 What the hell would a musk ox be doing in here? 279 00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:37,569 Hey. Guess what your wife brought home? 280 00:10:37,571 --> 00:10:39,571 Attorney-client privilege. I can't talk about it. 281 00:10:39,573 --> 00:10:40,805 Talk about what? 282 00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:42,140 Nothing. 283 00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,608 How was your day? 284 00:10:43,610 --> 00:10:45,577 Uh, ooh, goat turd on the floor, I see. Is that new? 285 00:10:48,015 --> 00:10:51,216 How does everyone know that's a goat turd? 286 00:10:53,819 --> 00:10:55,754 Barney told you. I don't know 287 00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:57,589 What you're talking about, madam. Marshall, 288 00:10:57,591 --> 00:10:59,658 You can't look me in the eye; you're blushing, 289 00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:02,127 Coughing; and your hands are shaking. 290 00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:03,795 Hey, robin, come here. 291 00:11:03,797 --> 00:11:06,464 Ted is never finding out about this, you understand? 292 00:11:06,466 --> 00:11:09,501 Because it never happened, none of us are saying anything. 293 00:11:09,503 --> 00:11:11,369 And don't even think about opening that can 294 00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:13,672 Until I'm out of the splash zone. 295 00:11:27,453 --> 00:11:28,520 Oh, fantastic, you're here. 296 00:11:28,522 --> 00:11:30,188 Give me the good news. 297 00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,523 I'm sorry. 298 00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:33,224 You did too good a job writing this thing. 299 00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:34,993 It's-it's ironclad. 300 00:11:34,995 --> 00:11:36,528 No! 301 00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:37,629 Bad lawyer! 302 00:11:37,631 --> 00:11:39,631 I need a loophole! 303 00:11:39,633 --> 00:11:41,499 I want to feel better, marshall! 304 00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:43,301 I can't keep buying things! 305 00:11:43,303 --> 00:11:44,402 I have six 306 00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:45,704 Self-cleaning litterboxes 307 00:11:45,706 --> 00:11:47,405 And I don't even have a kid. 308 00:11:47,407 --> 00:11:49,474 Wait. How about this? 309 00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:50,575 Ted's probably 310 00:11:50,577 --> 00:11:51,810 Broken this thing himself, right? 311 00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:53,645 And if he's broken the bro code, 312 00:11:53,647 --> 00:11:54,879 Then I'm off the hook. 313 00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:56,147 I thought about that. 314 00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:57,382 And I gotta say, 315 00:11:57,384 --> 00:12:00,552 Ted has upheld this thing time and time again. 316 00:12:00,554 --> 00:12:01,753 For example, article 87: 317 00:12:01,755 --> 00:12:05,757 "a bro shall at all times say yes." 318 00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:07,158 So he saved you 319 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:08,093 From an avalanche? 320 00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:13,331 And he carried you six miles to safety on his broken leg? 321 00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:14,666 Yes. 322 00:12:14,668 --> 00:12:17,001 And you're a pre-op transsexual nightclub singer 323 00:12:17,003 --> 00:12:19,838 Who used to be a member of the russian mob? 324 00:12:23,509 --> 00:12:25,543 Da. 325 00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:27,078 Article 29: 326 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,948 "a bro will, in a timely manner, alert his bro 327 00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:31,683 To the existence of a girl fight." 328 00:12:31,685 --> 00:12:34,519 Dude, two girls are fighting at maclaren's. 329 00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:37,422 What?! 330 00:12:39,391 --> 00:12:40,692 Yeah, yeah. 331 00:12:40,694 --> 00:12:42,293 It was crazy. This one girl was like... 332 00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:43,895 Oh, hey. 333 00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:45,530 Hey. 334 00:12:45,532 --> 00:12:46,898 Article 53: 335 00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:49,033 "a bro will, whenever possible, 336 00:12:49,035 --> 00:12:51,369 Provide his bro with protection." 337 00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:53,371 That feels nice. 338 00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:55,473 Good. 339 00:13:01,547 --> 00:13:03,548 I just wish we had some wine. 340 00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:04,783 Yeah. 341 00:13:04,785 --> 00:13:07,265 I wish we had some wine, too. 342 00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:14,058 Damn it, marshall. 343 00:13:14,060 --> 00:13:15,894 I'm not paying you to tell me what a saint ted is! 344 00:13:15,896 --> 00:13:16,995 You're my lawyer! 345 00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:19,130 The answer is in there! Find it! 346 00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:21,566 Okay, this isn't about the bro code, and you know it. 347 00:13:21,568 --> 00:13:24,235 The reason that you're upset is because what you did was wrong. 348 00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:26,304 And the only way you're ever gonna feel 349 00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,239 Any better about it is if you tell ted what you did. 350 00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:30,775 What if he never wants to talk to me again? 351 00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:32,577 Well, I guess that's just a chance 352 00:13:32,579 --> 00:13:33,945 You're gonna have to take. 353 00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:37,582 Which brings us to April 25, 2008. 354 00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:39,184 My 30th birthday, 355 00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:41,953 Or as it would come to be referred to in later years: 356 00:13:41,955 --> 00:13:43,855 The day of the goat. 357 00:13:43,857 --> 00:13:45,190 Hey, where are you? 358 00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:46,925 I'm in the limo, right outside of ted's office. 359 00:13:46,927 --> 00:13:48,259 Great. Well, everyone's here. 360 00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:49,427 Stella just arrived 361 00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:51,963 And there is something here so awesome, 362 00:13:51,965 --> 00:13:54,632 I'm not going to tell you what it is, but you won't believe... 363 00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:55,767 Goat in a party hat? 364 00:13:55,769 --> 00:13:57,001 Damn it! 365 00:13:57,003 --> 00:13:59,170 Well, you still gotta see it. 366 00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:01,806 It's so much fun having a goat at a party! 367 00:14:01,808 --> 00:14:03,141 In a few short hours, 368 00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:05,109 Lily would come to regret those words. 369 00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:07,378 But we'll get there. 370 00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:08,847 Uh, gotta go. Here he comes. 371 00:14:08,849 --> 00:14:10,148 Okay. Bye. 372 00:14:10,150 --> 00:14:11,683 Hey. Hey. 373 00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:13,952 Whoa, you guys went all out. 374 00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:16,487 Okay, everyone, ted's in the limo, five-minute warning! 375 00:14:16,489 --> 00:14:17,622 Everyone get ready! 376 00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:21,059 Oh, missy, are you excited? 377 00:14:22,494 --> 00:14:24,362 Yes, you are! 378 00:14:26,031 --> 00:14:27,632 Whoa, we're leaving the city. 379 00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:29,067 Where the hell is this party? 380 00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:31,069 Vegas. 381 00:14:36,041 --> 00:14:37,842 Vegas? I thought the party was on the rooftop. 382 00:14:37,844 --> 00:14:38,743 Surprise! 383 00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:40,011 Just a decoy, my friend. 384 00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:41,679 So there's no roof party? 385 00:14:41,681 --> 00:14:42,881 Oh, no. There is. We're just not going. 386 00:14:42,883 --> 00:14:44,883 This is how good a friend I am. 387 00:14:44,885 --> 00:14:47,085 They want you to spend your 30th standing around 388 00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:49,354 Drinking flat beer ten feet above your living room. 389 00:14:49,356 --> 00:14:50,688 But not me, bro. 390 00:14:50,690 --> 00:14:52,423 I pulled out all the stops. 391 00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:56,160 Private jet, valderrama suite at the bellagio. 392 00:14:56,162 --> 00:14:57,395 Steaks at boa, 393 00:14:57,397 --> 00:15:00,999 Scotch at ghostbar, then two ringside seats 394 00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:03,501 To watch floyd mayweather go ten rounds with, 395 00:15:03,503 --> 00:15:04,736 Wait for it... 396 00:15:04,738 --> 00:15:05,870 A grizzly bear! 397 00:15:05,872 --> 00:15:08,406 Take me home, barney. 398 00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:09,540 No! 399 00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:11,242 We have to go to vegas. 400 00:15:12,945 --> 00:15:15,246 Look, ted, I didn't want to say this, but... 401 00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:16,948 There's something that I have to tell you, 402 00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:18,516 And I wanted you to be 403 00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:20,752 In the best possible frame of mind before you heard it. 404 00:15:20,754 --> 00:15:22,086 You slept with robin. 405 00:15:25,524 --> 00:15:26,591 Ranjit! 406 00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:27,859 You slept with robin? 407 00:15:27,861 --> 00:15:29,527 Barney! 408 00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:31,562 That is ted's ex-girlfriend! 409 00:15:38,037 --> 00:15:39,971 When did you find out? 410 00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:41,906 Hey, robin. Come here! 411 00:15:41,908 --> 00:15:44,042 What's up? 412 00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:46,311 I was, uh, just going through some old stuff and I... 413 00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:48,479 marshall: Oh, crap! 414 00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:52,984 Anyway, uh, 415 00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:54,419 I came across this. 416 00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:56,054 Oh, wow. 417 00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:58,122 From our vacation in vermont. Yeah. 418 00:15:58,124 --> 00:15:59,958 I don't know if you'd even want it, but if you do, it's yours. 419 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,659 I slept with barney! 420 00:16:01,661 --> 00:16:02,794 What? 421 00:16:02,796 --> 00:16:04,495 It was just one time, 422 00:16:04,497 --> 00:16:06,497 It-it was the night that simon dumped me 423 00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:08,733 And I was in a really vulnerable place 424 00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:11,736 And I... I wanted to just pretend like it never happened, 425 00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:13,738 But I couldn't, and... 426 00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:15,073 I can't. 427 00:16:15,075 --> 00:16:18,576 I just, I had to tell you. 428 00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:20,078 And... 429 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:22,947 I just hope that we can still be friends. 430 00:16:22,949 --> 00:16:25,750 Of course we can still be friends. 431 00:16:25,752 --> 00:16:27,452 So you're not mad? 432 00:16:27,454 --> 00:16:29,253 Well, I'm... 433 00:16:29,255 --> 00:16:31,322 It's a little weird, but, um, 434 00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:34,025 No, I'm not mad. 435 00:16:35,861 --> 00:16:38,329 Wow. 436 00:16:38,931 --> 00:16:39,998 So you're not mad? 437 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,100 No, I'm not mad. 438 00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:44,268 I mean, robin and I broke up a year ago. 439 00:16:44,270 --> 00:16:46,604 We've... We've both dated lots of people since then. 440 00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:48,339 I'm with stella now. 441 00:16:49,274 --> 00:16:51,275 Seriously, I... I'm fine with this. 442 00:16:52,278 --> 00:16:54,445 I'm so relieved to hear you say that. 443 00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:56,114 Yeah. Yeah. 444 00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:57,849 Oh, hey, I just remembered, um, 445 00:16:57,851 --> 00:16:59,717 My mom is coming into town next month. 446 00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:02,220 Maybe you'd like to nail her, too! 447 00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:04,455 : Where are they?! I'm getting a cramp. 448 00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:07,458 : Marshall, can we keep the goat? 449 00:17:07,460 --> 00:17:08,526 No. 450 00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:11,295 But she's so cute and furry and soft. Yeah, 451 00:17:11,297 --> 00:17:13,131 And she also sheds, eats out of the garbage 452 00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:14,565 And can't control her bowels. 453 00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:16,134 Why don't we just call duluth mental hospital 454 00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:17,902 And say my uncle linus can live with us? 455 00:17:17,904 --> 00:17:19,904 Yeah, lily, that may seem like a good idea 456 00:17:19,906 --> 00:17:21,672 After a couple of drinks but tomorrow morning 457 00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:23,341 You're going to want this thing out of your house. 458 00:17:23,343 --> 00:17:25,476 Oh, you should talk. You slept with barney. 459 00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:26,377 Marshall! 460 00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:27,311 I'm sorry! 461 00:17:27,313 --> 00:17:28,813 I couldn't take it anymore. 462 00:17:28,815 --> 00:17:29,680 I can't believe 463 00:17:29,682 --> 00:17:30,648 You did that. 464 00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:32,383 That's so gross. 465 00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:33,818 Was it amazing? 466 00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:35,253 What? I... 467 00:17:35,255 --> 00:17:37,822 Lily, I really don't want to talk about this. 468 00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:39,490 I know, but it's barney. 469 00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:41,972 It's just hard not to be curious. 470 00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:45,530 Did he have like devices and stuff? Lily, come on. 471 00:17:45,532 --> 00:17:46,931 Hot wax? Stop it. 472 00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:48,199 Did he tie you to anything? That's enough. 473 00:17:48,201 --> 00:17:49,600 What's wrong with you? 474 00:17:49,602 --> 00:17:50,842 I'm sorry. 475 00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:57,420 Is he all smooth down there? 476 00:17:58,343 --> 00:18:01,079 Three billion women on the planet! 477 00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:03,181 Three billion! And you have to sleep 478 00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:05,016 With the one that I dated for a year! Are you kidding me? 479 00:18:05,018 --> 00:18:06,851 Are you kidding me?! 480 00:18:06,853 --> 00:18:07,885 Robin?! 481 00:18:07,887 --> 00:18:09,353 You think I'm proud of this?! 482 00:18:09,355 --> 00:18:11,222 I'm horrified that this happened. 483 00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:12,757 How did it happen? Huh? 484 00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,058 Barney, I want to know. 485 00:18:14,060 --> 00:18:16,360 Tell me exactly how it happened. 486 00:18:16,362 --> 00:18:18,062 You mean... 487 00:18:18,064 --> 00:18:19,630 What position? 488 00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:20,798 Okay. 489 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,700 Stop it! Stop it! 490 00:18:22,702 --> 00:18:24,202 Stop it. 491 00:18:24,204 --> 00:18:25,536 Hit him! Hit him, ted! Stop! 492 00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:26,637 Hit him! Stop! 493 00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:27,772 Hit him! Okay. 494 00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:29,073 Okay. Okay. 495 00:18:29,075 --> 00:18:30,541 You're pissed. 496 00:18:30,543 --> 00:18:31,642 You deserve to be. 497 00:18:31,644 --> 00:18:32,777 Fine. You know what? 498 00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:34,712 One free shot. On me. 499 00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:36,481 Anywhere but the face. 500 00:18:41,053 --> 00:18:43,988 Who punches someone in the groin? 501 00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:47,458 Okay. Okay. 502 00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:48,593 I deserved that. 503 00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:51,095 I deserved that. 504 00:18:51,097 --> 00:18:53,097 But what's important now is... 505 00:18:53,099 --> 00:18:56,000 We're passed this whole robin thing now, right? 506 00:18:56,002 --> 00:18:58,236 You think that this is just about robin? 507 00:18:58,238 --> 00:19:00,304 This is about... 508 00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:03,107 You know, I've seen you do some bad stuff. 509 00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:05,943 I mean some really terrible stuff 510 00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:07,411 To a lot of different people. 511 00:19:07,413 --> 00:19:09,247 I just always thought there had to be a limit. 512 00:19:09,249 --> 00:19:11,482 I always thought I was the limit. 513 00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:15,920 You're always spouting off these rules for bros. 514 00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:18,623 Isn't one of them, "don't do this"? 515 00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:20,591 Yeah. And I broke it. 516 00:19:20,593 --> 00:19:22,827 I'm sorry. 517 00:19:23,929 --> 00:19:25,396 But, ted... 518 00:19:26,298 --> 00:19:28,366 Seriously, this suite at the bellagio... 519 00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:30,334 I am not going to vegas with you. 520 00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:32,136 I'm not going to blow off my friends 521 00:19:32,138 --> 00:19:33,671 And my girlfriend, 522 00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:36,207 And spend my 30th birthday in a strip club. 523 00:19:36,209 --> 00:19:38,676 The fact that you think I would... 524 00:19:39,478 --> 00:19:41,879 You know, barney, earlier this week 525 00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:43,147 I started putting things in a box 526 00:19:43,149 --> 00:19:44,615 And that box was labeled 527 00:19:44,617 --> 00:19:46,617 "stuff I have no use for anymore." 528 00:19:46,619 --> 00:19:48,653 What does that mean? 529 00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:50,454 It means... 530 00:19:50,456 --> 00:19:52,757 Maybe you belong in that box. 531 00:19:54,459 --> 00:19:56,460 Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore? 532 00:19:56,462 --> 00:20:00,231 I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore. 533 00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:03,634 Okay, I'm going to stop you right there, 534 00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:06,404 Because it seems like you're about to say something 535 00:20:06,406 --> 00:20:08,139 That's going to pretty much ruin vegas. 536 00:20:08,141 --> 00:20:09,807 Ranjit, stop the car. 537 00:20:11,177 --> 00:20:13,611 I'm getting a cab. 538 00:20:16,848 --> 00:20:19,283 ♪ 539 00:20:49,348 --> 00:20:52,350 All: Surprise! 540 00:20:59,224 --> 00:21:00,858 Narrator: Oh, right, the goat. 541 00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:02,893 So funny. You're going to love this. 542 00:21:02,895 --> 00:21:05,596 So later that night, the goat locked himself in the bathroom 543 00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:07,698 And was eating one of robin's washcloths and... 544 00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:11,302 Robin wasn't living here on my 30th birthday. 545 00:21:11,304 --> 00:21:12,770 When did this happen? 546 00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:15,640 Oh, wait, the goat was there on my 31st birthday. 547 00:21:15,642 --> 00:21:18,276 Sorry, I totally got that wrong.