1 00:00:01,601 --> 00:00:03,635 Narrator: Now, kids, the spring of 2008 2 00:00:03,637 --> 00:00:06,038 Was a complicated time in your old man's life. 3 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:09,174 The last time I had seen barney was shortly after I found out 4 00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:11,377 He had spent the night with robin. 5 00:00:11,379 --> 00:00:13,512 Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore? 6 00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:16,515 I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore. 7 00:00:18,285 --> 00:00:20,519 It's barney. 8 00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:23,689 Dude, seriously, you need to stop calling me. 9 00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:26,191 Ted, I'm sorry I haven't returned your calls. 10 00:00:26,193 --> 00:00:27,826 Yeah, I never called you. 11 00:00:27,828 --> 00:00:30,295 You called me 15 times and my parents twice. 12 00:00:30,297 --> 00:00:33,132 I'm sorry. I gotta let you go. 13 00:00:33,134 --> 00:00:36,135 There's just too many good wingmen out there. 14 00:00:37,737 --> 00:00:39,338 Ted, are you crying? 15 00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:41,073 No, I'm not. 16 00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:43,375 Shh, let it out. Let it out. 17 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:45,511 Shh, let it out. Good-bye, barney. 18 00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:47,579 So, are you two back together? 19 00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:48,814 No. 20 00:00:49,315 --> 00:00:50,883 I miss barney. 21 00:00:50,885 --> 00:00:53,252 I haven't high-fived anyone in, like, a week. 22 00:00:53,254 --> 00:00:57,222 I think I might be starting to lose my fist bump callus. 23 00:00:57,224 --> 00:00:58,757 Let me ask you something, ted. 24 00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:01,026 Why are you so much madder at barney than me? 25 00:01:01,028 --> 00:01:03,429 Yeah, she had just as much sex with barney 26 00:01:03,431 --> 00:01:04,897 As barney had with her. 27 00:01:04,899 --> 00:01:07,900 You know what? I'm not sure that's true. 28 00:01:08,868 --> 00:01:10,569 And I think I'd actually prefer it 29 00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:13,238 If you were mad at me; this is too weird. 30 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:14,240 I'm not mad at anybody. 31 00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:15,774 I-I've forgiven you, 32 00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:17,109 And I've outgrown barney as a friend. 33 00:01:17,111 --> 00:01:18,410 It's that simple. 34 00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:19,878 I'll tell you why he's not mad. 35 00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:22,114 It's 'cause he's so happy with stella. 36 00:01:22,116 --> 00:01:24,049 Narrator: She was right. 37 00:01:24,051 --> 00:01:26,018 Stella and I had been dating for two months, 38 00:01:26,020 --> 00:01:28,053 And things were going really well. 39 00:01:28,055 --> 00:01:30,689 She had met my friends and passed with flying colors. 40 00:01:30,691 --> 00:01:33,125 There was just one little problem. 41 00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:36,195 You guys haven't had sex yet?! 42 00:01:36,197 --> 00:01:37,763 When marshall and I were two months in, 43 00:01:37,765 --> 00:01:39,731 We were doing it 24/7. 44 00:01:39,733 --> 00:01:41,533 I know, I was in the top bunk. 45 00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:44,136 I also sat next to you guys at football games. 46 00:01:44,138 --> 00:01:46,638 So what are you guys waiting for? 47 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:49,108 I think she wants to make sure we're serious first. 48 00:01:49,110 --> 00:01:50,876 That's why she hasn't introduced me to her daughter, either. 49 00:01:50,878 --> 00:01:52,611 She wants to take things slow. 50 00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:57,950 Wait, so you haven't had sex since, like, thanksgiving. 51 00:01:57,952 --> 00:02:00,119 Do you know how many big federal holidays 52 00:02:00,121 --> 00:02:01,954 Have come and gone since then? 53 00:02:01,956 --> 00:02:05,290 Ooh, baby, do you remember martin luther king day? 54 00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:06,592 Yeah, I do. 55 00:02:06,594 --> 00:02:08,894 We honored that dude big time. 56 00:02:10,331 --> 00:02:12,397 Look, I'm crazy about this girl, 57 00:02:12,399 --> 00:02:15,067 And if waiting is what it takes, then I am fine with that. 58 00:02:15,069 --> 00:02:17,136 On a totally unrelated note, does anybody have any gum 59 00:02:17,138 --> 00:02:19,258 Or ice or a piece of bark they're not chewing? 60 00:02:26,012 --> 00:02:28,680 Hey, barney, new skymall came in. 61 00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:30,315 So, uh... 62 00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:32,084 Word around the blogosphere 63 00:02:32,086 --> 00:02:34,319 Is that you're looking for a new wingman. 64 00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:37,422 I want to let you know I am available. 65 00:02:37,424 --> 00:02:39,625 Just say the word, or don't even say the word. 66 00:02:39,627 --> 00:02:42,194 Just do something with your eyebrow. 67 00:02:44,631 --> 00:02:46,064 Was that it? 68 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,668 No offense, randy, but there's a long list 69 00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:51,370 Of candidates for this slot. 70 00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:53,705 This slot is vice president of awesome, 71 00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:58,377 And you're, like, assistant undersecretary of only okay. 72 00:02:59,445 --> 00:03:02,014 "Assistant undersecretary of only okay." 73 00:03:02,016 --> 00:03:05,017 Thank you. I won't let you down. 74 00:03:05,019 --> 00:03:07,786 Narrator: So uncle barney began the search for a new wingman. 75 00:03:07,788 --> 00:03:10,222 Pete! Barney stinson. 76 00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:12,291 Hey, I've been meaning to call you. It's been a while. 77 00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:13,859 Yeah, yeah, so listen. 78 00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:15,894 You should meet me at maclaren's tonight. 79 00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:18,197 You're never gonna believe this: I'm at the hospital. 80 00:03:18,199 --> 00:03:20,566 Just had a baby daughter. 81 00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:23,414 So what do you think, 9:30, 10:00? 82 00:03:25,638 --> 00:03:28,640 Stapleton! Barney stinson. 83 00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:29,575 What up, chief? 84 00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:31,376 Need a new bro. What do you say? 85 00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:34,947 Dude, I'd love to, but right now I'm bros with doug stein. 86 00:03:36,082 --> 00:03:38,984 Oh, I understand. 87 00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:41,853 Doug stein's a good bro. 88 00:03:41,855 --> 00:03:45,057 I'm happy for you. Best of luck. 89 00:03:45,059 --> 00:03:48,493 Crazy willie! Barney stinson. 90 00:03:48,495 --> 00:03:50,896 What up, b-dog? Long time, no bro. 91 00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:53,098 So we gonna tear it up tonight or what? 92 00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:54,566 Yes, finally! 93 00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:56,668 Here's what's on the rock-it docket. 94 00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:59,037 My wife and I put the cheese out at 7:00, 95 00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:01,573 Cranium at 8:00, 9:00 p.M. We watch 27 dresses. 96 00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:05,744 Everybody's home by 11:00. Boo-yah! 97 00:04:09,550 --> 00:04:10,716 Hello? 98 00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:12,417 Hanging up on you once wasn't enough. 99 00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:16,521 So I lanced this thing on this guy's back, 100 00:04:16,523 --> 00:04:19,258 And I'll be honest with you, I didn't even know what it was, 101 00:04:19,260 --> 00:04:20,926 And then it exploded like a volcano. 102 00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:22,261 Pus everywhere. 103 00:04:22,263 --> 00:04:23,929 Let's have sex. 104 00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:25,564 Right now. I'll lock the door. 105 00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:27,132 Oh, there's no lock on that door. 106 00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:29,234 We can do it against the door. It'll be hot! 107 00:04:29,236 --> 00:04:32,237 It'll be like a three-way: You, me, and the door. 108 00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:33,972 Yeah, but then it's just gonna be weird 109 00:04:33,974 --> 00:04:35,540 Between me and the door tomorrow. 110 00:04:37,111 --> 00:04:38,744 I'm sorry. 111 00:04:38,746 --> 00:04:40,746 We're waiting. It's cool. 112 00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:44,616 You've been so patient, ted. 113 00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:45,984 The truth is... 114 00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:47,252 I'm kind of nervous. 115 00:04:47,254 --> 00:04:48,620 I have a confession to make. 116 00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:49,588 I was afraid of this. 117 00:04:49,590 --> 00:04:50,989 You're 14. 118 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:55,127 No, um... 119 00:04:55,129 --> 00:04:58,664 It's kind of embarrassing, but it's been a while 120 00:04:58,666 --> 00:05:00,666 Since I was intimate with anyone. 121 00:05:00,668 --> 00:05:02,768 Wow, it's funny that you say that. 122 00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:04,636 Me, too. 123 00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,138 Really? 124 00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:07,739 How long's it been for you? 125 00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:10,342 It's been a while. 126 00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:11,910 Tell me. 127 00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:16,181 Me, too! 128 00:05:16,183 --> 00:05:19,184 It's been five months for you, too? 129 00:05:19,186 --> 00:05:21,666 Five years?! Five years?! Five years?! 130 00:05:21,690 --> 00:05:27,690 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 131 00:05:38,137 --> 00:05:39,438 Wow. 132 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:41,673 Stella hasn't had sex since 2003. 133 00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,542 Let's put this in context. 134 00:05:43,544 --> 00:05:46,445 The last time stella had sex, the movie, seabiscuit, 135 00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:50,082 Had just galloped into theaters... And our hearts. 136 00:05:51,117 --> 00:05:52,784 Five years? 137 00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:54,553 God, if I even went one year, 138 00:05:54,555 --> 00:05:57,622 I would be out on the street selling it for a nickel. 139 00:05:58,491 --> 00:06:00,025 The last time stella had sex, 140 00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:02,694 The world was just learning about sars. 141 00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:04,496 Well, ted, what else did she say? 142 00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:06,798 Did she give you any kind of explanation? 143 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:09,835 Look, after lucy was born, I dated a little, 144 00:06:09,837 --> 00:06:11,837 But it was hard to find a guy I could trust enough. 145 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:13,538 Sooner or later, every one of them 146 00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:15,140 Gave me a reason not to. 147 00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:18,477 But nobody in five years? 148 00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:21,913 Look, ted, guys regret the girls they didn't sleep with. 149 00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:24,182 Girls regret the guys they do sleep with. 150 00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:26,184 And for the past five years, 151 00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:27,853 I've had no regrets. 152 00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:32,057 Ted, you're staring at my boobs. 153 00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:34,993 In my defense, they were staring at me. 154 00:06:36,596 --> 00:06:38,230 So what does this mean for you? 155 00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:40,332 Is she ever gonna want to get intimate? 156 00:06:40,334 --> 00:06:41,566 Actually... 157 00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:43,368 But the truth is, I really do 158 00:06:43,370 --> 00:06:44,903 Want to do this with you. 159 00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:47,372 I don't think I'd regret it at all. 160 00:06:47,374 --> 00:06:49,541 Your pillow talk's a little rusty. 161 00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:52,210 You know what I mean, ted. I'm ready. 162 00:06:52,212 --> 00:06:53,812 That's great. 163 00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:56,214 Like, "right now" ready? 164 00:06:58,085 --> 00:07:00,352 So her sister's driving up to baby-sit lucy, 165 00:07:00,354 --> 00:07:03,355 And we're getting a hotel room in the city Saturday night. 166 00:07:03,357 --> 00:07:04,923 The last time stella had sex, 167 00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:07,058 The da vinci code had just come out. 168 00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:08,593 Well, that doesn't seem like that long ago. 169 00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:10,762 Not the movie, the book. 170 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,731 Wow. 171 00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:14,132 It's a lot of pressure, isn't it? 172 00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:15,967 You know what? It's not. 173 00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:17,602 This woman needs it bad. 174 00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:19,644 Anything you do is going to be fireworks. 175 00:07:20,373 --> 00:07:22,607 I remember my longest drought... 176 00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:25,110 It was that summer I lived in san francisco. 177 00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:29,247 I hadn't had been with marshall in two months and 19 days. 178 00:07:38,224 --> 00:07:41,560 Oh, san francisco. 179 00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:43,395 I don't know, lily, after five years, 180 00:07:43,397 --> 00:07:45,464 Her expectations have gotta be pretty high. 181 00:07:45,466 --> 00:07:49,167 Notable deaths in 2003... 182 00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:53,638 Oh, my god... Nell carter. 183 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:56,408 Did you guys know that nell carter had died? 184 00:07:57,910 --> 00:08:00,178 I'm really gonna have to bring my a-game to satisfy this woman. 185 00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:02,747 Yeah, it'll be pretty hard now that she's dead. 186 00:08:02,749 --> 00:08:03,849 Not nell carter... Stella. 187 00:08:03,851 --> 00:08:05,350 Marshall: Dude, relax. 188 00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:07,252 It's all about expectations management. 189 00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:09,287 Do you know why I hated jerry maguire so much? 190 00:08:09,289 --> 00:08:10,956 Because you're dead inside? 191 00:08:10,958 --> 00:08:13,925 No, because you built it up for, like, two weeks, 192 00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:16,027 Saying it was the greatest movie ever. 193 00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:19,097 With stella, do the opposite: Lower expectations. 194 00:08:19,099 --> 00:08:20,832 Right, right, and then no matter what happens, 195 00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,594 She'll be happy. 196 00:08:24,637 --> 00:08:26,471 Hey, buddy. 197 00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:30,342 I'm married, barney. I cannot be your new wingman. 198 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,413 No. 199 00:08:42,154 --> 00:08:43,822 Hey, randy. 200 00:08:43,824 --> 00:08:46,124 Could you come in here for a minute? 201 00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:49,027 Good news. 202 00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:50,529 I'm calling you up to the majors. 203 00:08:50,531 --> 00:08:52,664 Starting tomorrow night, 204 00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:55,166 How would you like to be my new wingman? 205 00:08:55,168 --> 00:08:56,868 Uh... 206 00:08:56,870 --> 00:09:00,739 Just need to check my calendar. Be right back. 207 00:09:24,030 --> 00:09:25,263 Tomorrow works. 208 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:31,236 I have a surprise appetizer for us today. 209 00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:32,571 Check it out. 210 00:09:32,573 --> 00:09:33,905 Potato skins. 211 00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:35,106 Fancy. 212 00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:36,675 Yeah, right? 213 00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:38,376 God, it's been forever since I had potato skins. 214 00:09:38,378 --> 00:09:39,878 I remember them as being 215 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:42,280 Pretty much the most delicious things ever. 216 00:09:44,884 --> 00:09:46,051 Huh. 217 00:09:46,053 --> 00:09:47,719 That's surprising. 218 00:09:47,721 --> 00:09:49,421 What? 219 00:09:49,423 --> 00:09:50,589 This potato skin. 220 00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:52,724 It's good, but not nearly as good 221 00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:54,993 As I'd built it up to be in my head. 222 00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:58,396 Even though this potato skin performed admirably, 223 00:09:58,398 --> 00:10:01,533 And is a totally respectable size... 224 00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:03,969 I couldn't enjoy it 225 00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:06,438 Because of my own unrealistic expectations. 226 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,640 Hmm, ted, I see what you're doing. 227 00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:10,108 Huh? You're trying to lower 228 00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:11,943 My expectations for tonight. 229 00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:14,079 Is this a length thing? No. 230 00:10:14,081 --> 00:10:16,081 Quick on the draw? No. 231 00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:18,416 Unexpected number of testicles? No! 232 00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:21,086 It's just that this is a big deal for you. 233 00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:22,787 I mean, it's like your virginity: The sequel. 234 00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:26,591 Virginity 2: Electric boogaloo? 235 00:10:26,593 --> 00:10:28,627 Exactly, and I don't want to mess it up. 236 00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:31,363 I don't want you to ever wonder if I was worth it. 237 00:10:32,732 --> 00:10:34,599 Ted, of course it's gonna be worth it. 238 00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:37,068 Stop worrying. 239 00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:38,637 It's you and me. 240 00:10:38,639 --> 00:10:40,559 It already has everything it needs. 241 00:10:44,443 --> 00:10:46,945 "Unexpected number of testicles?" 242 00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:49,080 It happens. I knew a guy in med school... 243 00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:52,350 We used to joke that he was one ball away from getting walked. 244 00:10:56,288 --> 00:10:57,455 Hey. 245 00:10:57,457 --> 00:11:00,492 What up, bro-seph lieberman? 246 00:11:00,494 --> 00:11:01,993 No, uh-uh. 247 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:05,497 Randy, we never use the word "bro" in the name 248 00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:08,566 Of a failed democratic vice presidential candidate. 249 00:11:10,436 --> 00:11:13,838 Good-bye, "geraldine ferrar-bro." 250 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:15,807 You know what? 251 00:11:15,809 --> 00:11:17,842 I'm excited about this, randy. 252 00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:20,278 You will be my next masterpiece. 253 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:21,312 It's like with ted. 254 00:11:21,314 --> 00:11:22,714 When I first met him, 255 00:11:22,716 --> 00:11:24,115 He was an even bigger loser than you. 256 00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:25,884 What a loser. 257 00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:28,219 But tonight, I am going to make you 258 00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:32,490 The greatest wingman in the history of wingmen. 259 00:11:32,492 --> 00:11:35,126 Oh, well, it's gonna be easier than you think, bro. 260 00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:37,495 Yeah, I've been reading your blog for years. 261 00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:39,130 You are like a god to me. 262 00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:42,033 That's why tonight is going to be legendary... 263 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,035 Wait for it... 264 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:46,304 Dary. 265 00:11:47,973 --> 00:11:49,541 Oh. 266 00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:52,010 Okay, randy, let's do this. 267 00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:53,611 Okay. 268 00:11:54,513 --> 00:11:55,914 You ready? 269 00:11:55,916 --> 00:11:57,048 Yes. 270 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,050 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! 271 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:01,086 What? What's the matter? 272 00:12:01,088 --> 00:12:03,054 Nothing. 273 00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:05,156 Let's do this. 274 00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:07,025 No, no, no, no, no, please, please, please. 275 00:12:07,027 --> 00:12:08,493 Just wait. Just wait. Just wait. Just wait! 276 00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:10,695 Randy, what are you doing? 277 00:12:10,697 --> 00:12:13,198 Dripping with game, that's what I'm doing. 278 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,200 Okay, let's go. No. Let's... 279 00:12:15,202 --> 00:12:16,534 Yes. No! 280 00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:19,104 Randy, listen to me: You can do this, okay? 281 00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:21,706 Oh, I don't know. Are those girls really that hot? 282 00:12:21,708 --> 00:12:23,374 Yeah, they're hot. Let's do this. 283 00:12:23,376 --> 00:12:25,510 Okay! 284 00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:29,714 Hey, ladies. 285 00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:32,517 Have you met... 286 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,592 Hey. Hey! 287 00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,260 So, here's the plan. 288 00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:43,895 Take a horse-drawn carriage through the park, 289 00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:45,597 And it just so happens 290 00:12:45,599 --> 00:12:47,065 The philharmonic is playing an open-air... Ted... 291 00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:48,266 Five years. 292 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,400 Straight to the hotel? Straight to the hotel. 293 00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:51,970 I'll get my bag. 294 00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:54,372 Hey, guys. 295 00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:55,740 Hey. Hey. 296 00:12:55,742 --> 00:12:58,543 So, uh, looking forward to tonight? 297 00:12:58,545 --> 00:13:00,211 Yeah. Definitely. 298 00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:02,080 It's been such a long time since I've had a night out. 299 00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:03,948 Yeah, we heard. 300 00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:06,151 I would explode if it had been that long 301 00:13:06,153 --> 00:13:07,652 Since I had a "night out." 302 00:13:07,654 --> 00:13:08,753 This one wakes me up 303 00:13:08,755 --> 00:13:10,121 At 4:00 a.M. Sometimes 304 00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:12,757 Just to have a little "night out." 305 00:13:12,759 --> 00:13:15,894 Um, what are you guys talking about? 306 00:13:16,662 --> 00:13:17,996 Nothing. 307 00:13:17,998 --> 00:13:19,430 Pizza. 308 00:13:19,432 --> 00:13:21,299 What are you talking about? 309 00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:23,568 Hey, guys. 310 00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:26,070 Ted, you told them, didn't you? 311 00:13:26,072 --> 00:13:27,138 Told them what? 312 00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:28,506 You told them 313 00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:31,376 That I haven't had sex in five years. 314 00:13:33,279 --> 00:13:35,980 You haven't had sex in five years?! 315 00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:38,449 That is a shocking revelation 316 00:13:38,451 --> 00:13:40,718 That we're just finding out about right now. 317 00:13:47,026 --> 00:13:48,493 Stella, I'm sorry. 318 00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:50,195 I shouldn't have told them. 319 00:13:50,197 --> 00:13:51,796 But they're my best friends. I tell them everything. 320 00:13:51,798 --> 00:13:52,997 I-I didn't even think about it. 321 00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:55,800 Ted, that was so personal. 322 00:13:55,802 --> 00:13:57,969 Plus, now your friends think I'm a freak. 323 00:13:57,971 --> 00:13:59,170 No, they don't. 324 00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:01,539 Look, I realize it's weird, okay? 325 00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,675 Not many people go five years without having sex. 326 00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:05,443 13 years?! 327 00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:08,479 I peaked really young. 328 00:14:08,481 --> 00:14:10,815 That's why it was difficult for me to tell you. 329 00:14:10,817 --> 00:14:12,650 But I did tell you because I thought that I could trust you. 330 00:14:12,652 --> 00:14:13,885 You c trust me. 331 00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:15,420 Obviously, I can't. 332 00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:19,157 You know, there's always a reason not to sleep with a guy, 333 00:14:19,159 --> 00:14:21,059 And you just gave me yours. 334 00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:23,194 Wait, did I give you a reason, 335 00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,562 Or were you looking for one? 336 00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:27,665 Why would I be looking for one? 337 00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,534 Because things are getting serious between us, 338 00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,536 And that scares you. 339 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:37,308 Good night, ted. 340 00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:41,713 Okay, randy, now, 341 00:14:41,715 --> 00:14:43,548 Tell me, without looking at your hand, 342 00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:45,717 What are the three beginner techniques 343 00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:47,518 For picking up a woman at a bar? 344 00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,420 Isolate her from her friends; 345 00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:51,756 Repeat her name in conversation; 346 00:14:51,758 --> 00:14:53,825 Subtly put her down. 347 00:14:53,827 --> 00:14:55,093 Excellent. 348 00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:58,463 Now... Let's put those to use. 349 00:14:59,365 --> 00:15:01,845 I'm right behind you. 350 00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:07,538 Hi, I'm randy. 351 00:15:07,540 --> 00:15:08,506 What's your name? 352 00:15:08,508 --> 00:15:09,574 Haley. 353 00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:10,875 Haley. 354 00:15:10,877 --> 00:15:12,210 Haley, that's a pretty name, haley. 355 00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:13,878 Haley... 356 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:15,613 Come here, haley. 357 00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:18,182 Um... Okay. 358 00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:23,321 Haley, you are a fat, ugly whore. 359 00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,595 I'm sorry, barney. 360 00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:32,563 Eh, so you got a drink thrown in your face. 361 00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:34,065 Happens to me all the time. 362 00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:35,733 Pretty soon you'll be able to anticipate it, 363 00:15:35,735 --> 00:15:38,215 And when you do? Free drink. 364 00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:39,904 Oh, hey. 365 00:15:39,906 --> 00:15:41,239 We got two live ones. 366 00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:43,721 New plan: This time follow my lead. 367 00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:48,112 Evening, ladies. 368 00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:50,248 Oh, I like your brooch. 369 00:15:50,250 --> 00:15:51,282 What is that? 370 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:53,084 Oh, it's a koala bear. 371 00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:54,419 I think they're adorable. 372 00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:55,753 No way! 373 00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:58,089 My friend randy here is the leading expert 374 00:15:58,091 --> 00:16:00,091 On koala bears in australia! 375 00:16:00,093 --> 00:16:01,960 He's in town working with the bronx zoo. 376 00:16:01,962 --> 00:16:02,962 You are? 377 00:16:02,963 --> 00:16:05,630 That is so cool! 378 00:16:05,632 --> 00:16:08,566 What is your favorite thing about koala bears? 379 00:16:10,336 --> 00:16:13,638 Their... 380 00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:18,643 Meat is delicious. 381 00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:22,981 I'm sorry, barney. 382 00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:24,282 Ah, it's okay. 383 00:16:24,284 --> 00:16:25,616 New plan: 384 00:16:25,618 --> 00:16:27,452 We need to get you comfortable 385 00:16:27,454 --> 00:16:29,587 Just saying words to women. 386 00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:31,689 Now, there's no reason to be nervous, 387 00:16:31,691 --> 00:16:33,992 Because my friend, robin, has agreed to help out. 388 00:16:33,994 --> 00:16:36,027 Because you threatened to put a video of us on the internet, 389 00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:37,662 Which I'm still not convinced you have. 390 00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,263 Right, which is why you came all the way 391 00:16:39,265 --> 00:16:41,366 From brooklyn at midnight. 392 00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:42,800 Now, randy, 393 00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:44,802 Let's keep it simple. 394 00:16:44,804 --> 00:16:47,205 Just start by introducing yourself. 395 00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:48,706 Hi. 396 00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:49,507 My name is randy. 397 00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:50,675 Hi, randy. 398 00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,043 How are you? 399 00:16:52,045 --> 00:16:53,177 I'm good. How are you? 400 00:16:53,179 --> 00:16:55,013 Good, thank you. Great. 401 00:16:55,015 --> 00:16:56,714 You're doing really, really well. 402 00:16:56,716 --> 00:16:58,483 Now ask her what she's doing later. 403 00:16:58,485 --> 00:17:00,385 What are you doing later? 404 00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:03,955 Yeah, your nose is bleeding like a faucet. 405 00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:06,357 Oh, god. 406 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,192 This happens every time I get an erection. 407 00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:09,627 I am so sorry. 408 00:17:12,398 --> 00:17:13,965 Okay. 409 00:17:13,967 --> 00:17:15,867 Okay, new plan. 410 00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:18,469 We wrap his face in gauze so he can't bleed or talk. 411 00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:20,071 You are the woman... 412 00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:23,041 Barney, why are you so desperate to have this happen? 413 00:17:23,043 --> 00:17:24,475 I'm a wingman. 414 00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:25,710 That's what wingmen do. 415 00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:27,378 Is it possible 416 00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,847 That you're trying to fill the void of losing ted 417 00:17:29,849 --> 00:17:32,383 By rushing into a new wingman relationship? 418 00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:33,885 What are you saying? 419 00:17:33,887 --> 00:17:37,355 I'm saying that randy is your rebound bro. 420 00:17:37,357 --> 00:17:38,856 No. 421 00:17:38,858 --> 00:17:40,224 That's crazy. 422 00:17:40,226 --> 00:17:42,360 What randy and I have is real. 423 00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:44,562 No, it's not, barney. 424 00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,697 And even if you got randy laid tonight, 425 00:17:46,699 --> 00:17:49,534 Would it feel anywhere near as meaningful 426 00:17:49,536 --> 00:17:51,235 As when you got ted laid? 427 00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:54,372 He was just so happy the next morning, you know? 428 00:17:54,374 --> 00:17:55,073 I know. 429 00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:56,340 All right. 430 00:17:56,342 --> 00:17:58,009 It hasn't clotted, 431 00:17:58,011 --> 00:18:00,812 But I think it's pretty much draining backwards now. 432 00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:04,749 Randy... 433 00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:06,751 I've been thinking, 434 00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:08,586 This isn't working out. 435 00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:10,755 Yeah, I figured. 436 00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:13,057 I knew I couldn't fly this close to the sun 437 00:18:13,059 --> 00:18:15,226 Without getting burned. 438 00:18:15,228 --> 00:18:16,727 This is the story of my life. 439 00:18:16,729 --> 00:18:18,229 I always let people down. 440 00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:20,431 You, my dad, the chief. 441 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:21,732 The chief? 442 00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:23,768 Yeah, I was a cop for, like, three months. 443 00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:25,770 But I got kicked off the force 444 00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:28,139 Because I screwed up so much, I was an insurance liability. 445 00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:31,275 You were a new york city police officer, 446 00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:32,443 And you didn't tell me? 447 00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:33,578 Wow! 448 00:18:33,580 --> 00:18:34,779 Did you ever shoot anybody? 449 00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:36,047 Only all the time. 450 00:18:36,049 --> 00:18:37,281 But not himself. 451 00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:38,916 And not in the foot. 452 00:18:38,918 --> 00:18:39,917 Actually... Ah, bah, bah, bah, bah. 453 00:18:39,919 --> 00:18:41,219 But nothing. 454 00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:44,288 I don't think there's anything hotter than a cop. 455 00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:45,823 Are you okay? 456 00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:47,291 Your nose is bleeding. 457 00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:48,626 Uh, old injury. 458 00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:50,561 The bullet's still lodged in his sinus. 459 00:18:50,563 --> 00:18:51,462 Oh, my god! 460 00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:52,730 You know what? 461 00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:54,232 I live right around the corner. 462 00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:55,500 Can I take you to my place 463 00:18:55,502 --> 00:18:56,734 And fix you up? 464 00:18:58,470 --> 00:19:01,239 That would be very nice. 465 00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:02,507 Yes. 466 00:19:03,242 --> 00:19:05,409 Have a great time, you two. 467 00:19:05,411 --> 00:19:08,451 : Oh, my god, thank you. I can't thank you enough. 468 00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:13,151 I am the greatest wingman of all time. 469 00:19:13,153 --> 00:19:16,354 Ted doesn't know what he's missing. 470 00:19:16,356 --> 00:19:19,524 : You had to mention ted, didn't you? 471 00:19:26,465 --> 00:19:29,333 Okay, I really overreacted last night. 472 00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:30,635 I'm sorry. 473 00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:32,870 Maybe I have some trust issues, 474 00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:35,873 But believe me, I have earned them. 475 00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:38,042 You said that I was looking for a reason 476 00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:40,044 For this whole thing to fall apart. 477 00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:42,780 Well, you're onto me, ted. 478 00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:45,183 That's actually something that I do a lot. 479 00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:48,419 But I'm not going to do that with you. 480 00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:53,024 Ted... I'm in. 481 00:19:53,792 --> 00:19:55,226 This is awkward. 482 00:19:55,228 --> 00:19:56,561 I have a girl here. 483 00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:57,595 So... 484 00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:07,538 Come on. 485 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:10,141 There is something that I'm ready to do with you. 486 00:20:10,143 --> 00:20:14,312 ♪ ...Who's that looking in the mirror? ♪ 487 00:20:14,314 --> 00:20:16,314 ♪ Gonna take your time... 488 00:20:16,316 --> 00:20:18,482 Ted, this is lucy. 489 00:20:18,484 --> 00:20:20,484 Hi, lucy. Lucy, this is ted. 490 00:20:20,486 --> 00:20:22,853 Narrator: Stella and I thought our relationship 491 00:20:22,855 --> 00:20:24,922 Was going to take a big step that weekend. 492 00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:28,092 Turned out, it took an even bigger one. 493 00:20:33,665 --> 00:20:35,366 She's sound asleep. Oh. 494 00:20:35,368 --> 00:20:36,667 She is so great. 495 00:20:36,669 --> 00:20:38,102 I think so. 496 00:20:39,004 --> 00:20:41,739 So, uh, I was thinking, 497 00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:43,774 My sister is in town until tomorrow. 498 00:20:43,776 --> 00:20:46,410 And, uh, there's a motel just down the turnpike. 499 00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:48,279 Hmm. 500 00:20:54,554 --> 00:20:56,687 Wow, that was amazing! Oh, yeah. 501 00:20:57,556 --> 00:20:59,123 What are you doing? 502 00:20:59,125 --> 00:21:01,225 I gotta call marshall and lily. Tell them about this. 503 00:21:01,227 --> 00:21:02,627 Ow!