1 00:00:01,986 --> 00:00:05,046 OLDER TED: Kids, here's something I wish my dad had told me. 2 00:00:05,156 --> 00:00:08,090 The longest pause you will ever experience in your life 3 00:00:08,191 --> 00:00:10,284 is the one that follows asking the question... 4 00:00:10,393 --> 00:00:12,327 Will you marry me? 5 00:00:12,429 --> 00:00:16,228 Your brain goes into overdrive, imagining every possible response. 6 00:00:17,099 --> 00:00:18,225 No. 7 00:00:18,901 --> 00:00:20,061 Oh, God, no. 8 00:00:20,402 --> 00:00:23,371 (LAUGHING) 9 00:00:23,472 --> 00:00:26,998 You want me to marry... No. 10 00:00:28,342 --> 00:00:29,934 I'm sorry, Ted. I can't. 11 00:00:30,044 --> 00:00:32,478 Mark Johnson, the quarterback from your high-school football team, 12 00:00:32,580 --> 00:00:33,978 already asked me. 13 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:37,311 - What's up, Turd? - It's Ted! 14 00:00:38,618 --> 00:00:39,676 OLDER TED: But if you're lucky, 15 00:00:39,786 --> 00:00:43,846 she may answer with the single greatest word in the English language. 16 00:00:43,956 --> 00:00:45,116 Yes. 17 00:00:45,140 --> 00:00:51,140 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 18 00:00:59,838 --> 00:01:03,204 OLDER TED: Stella and I spent that summer happily engaged. 19 00:01:03,307 --> 00:01:05,571 Marshall was still coping with unemployment. 20 00:01:05,676 --> 00:01:07,507 What are you doing? 21 00:01:09,112 --> 00:01:11,045 Lily threw herself into her painting. 22 00:01:11,147 --> 00:01:12,978 What are you doing? 23 00:01:13,749 --> 00:01:16,240 Barney was rehabilitating from his bus accident. 24 00:01:16,352 --> 00:01:18,047 What are you doing? 25 00:01:19,087 --> 00:01:22,784 And, well, Marshall just kept coping with unemployment. 26 00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:27,425 What are you doing? 27 00:01:28,128 --> 00:01:29,755 And Robin continued to uphold 28 00:01:29,864 --> 00:01:32,355 the high journalistic standards of Metro News 1. 29 00:01:33,100 --> 00:01:38,162 Is your favorite brand of dental floss poisoning your entire family? 30 00:01:38,271 --> 00:01:41,832 Tune in at 11:00 for the shocking tooth. 31 00:01:45,111 --> 00:01:47,476 Okay, I officially hate my job. 32 00:01:47,579 --> 00:01:51,640 I'm not a reporter, I'm just someone who shows up at night and scares people. 33 00:01:51,750 --> 00:01:54,412 I'm the boogeyman with a teleprompter. 34 00:01:54,519 --> 00:01:55,781 (LAUGHING) 35 00:01:57,021 --> 00:01:59,012 "Boogeyman with a teleprompter." 36 00:01:59,123 --> 00:02:02,024 That's hilarious! Great joke, Robin, great joke. 37 00:02:02,126 --> 00:02:05,151 Barney, no offense to Robin, but that wasn't that funny. 38 00:02:05,262 --> 00:02:07,787 Are you kidding? That was a great joke. 39 00:02:07,898 --> 00:02:10,230 It's smart, funny, beautiful, it's the whole package. 40 00:02:10,333 --> 00:02:13,460 It's everything you're afraid to let yourself want. 41 00:02:13,569 --> 00:02:15,036 In a joke. 42 00:02:16,238 --> 00:02:17,227 (CHUCKLING) 43 00:02:17,339 --> 00:02:21,638 "Boogeyman with a teleprompter." That's classic. 44 00:02:23,344 --> 00:02:25,244 Okay, what is so urgent 45 00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:29,578 that you called me and begged me to come over at 7:22 in the morning? 46 00:02:29,684 --> 00:02:33,346 I could tell you knew something was up with me, and you're right. 47 00:02:33,453 --> 00:02:34,886 But I can't tell you what it is. 48 00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:37,650 I should tell you, but I can't! I have to. I never will! 49 00:02:37,758 --> 00:02:40,783 I'm going to. Let's just drop it. What's up with you? 50 00:02:40,893 --> 00:02:42,793 Barney, just say it. 51 00:02:45,631 --> 00:02:47,963 I think I'm in love with Robin. 52 00:02:48,301 --> 00:02:51,235 Hey, Lily needs some gift ideas for Stella's wedding shower. 53 00:02:51,336 --> 00:02:52,963 Does she like to cook? 54 00:02:54,406 --> 00:02:58,307 - Actually, I don't know. - What's her favorite color? 55 00:02:59,009 --> 00:03:02,308 - Don't know that, either. - Well, does she have any hobbies? 56 00:03:02,413 --> 00:03:05,974 Yes, she's exactly the kind of person who would have hobbies. 57 00:03:06,083 --> 00:03:09,882 And interests, too. I am one lucky son of a bitch. 58 00:03:09,986 --> 00:03:13,513 Dude, you don't know anything about the woman you're marrying. 59 00:03:13,623 --> 00:03:18,321 - What? You're crazy! I know plenty. - What color are her eyes? 60 00:03:18,994 --> 00:03:22,987 - The color of the ocean after a storm. - Which is? 61 00:03:25,499 --> 00:03:26,898 Beautiful. 62 00:03:28,269 --> 00:03:29,395 I don't believe it. 63 00:03:29,503 --> 00:03:32,597 I thought you called me over here to uncuff you from your sex swing again, 64 00:03:32,707 --> 00:03:36,233 but you're in love? That is so sweet! 65 00:03:36,343 --> 00:03:39,710 It's not sweet. It's like a disease. 66 00:03:39,813 --> 00:03:43,043 I slept with Robin one time and I caught feelings. 67 00:03:43,148 --> 00:03:47,482 I caught feelings bad. I used protection and everything. 68 00:03:47,586 --> 00:03:52,284 Barney, you don't catch feelings, you just have them. And they're good. 69 00:03:52,390 --> 00:03:56,417 They're terrible! I can't eat, I can't sleep. 70 00:03:56,527 --> 00:03:59,428 She's all I think about. I close my eyes, I see Robin. 71 00:03:59,530 --> 00:04:02,555 - I... I hear a song, it reminds me of Robin. - Morning. 72 00:04:02,666 --> 00:04:05,829 I sleep with that chick, I'm thinking about Robin. 73 00:04:06,470 --> 00:04:09,597 Okay, so I don't know every single detail about Stella. 74 00:04:09,739 --> 00:04:11,764 What's this really about? Do you not like her or something? 75 00:04:11,874 --> 00:04:13,774 No, Ted, I like Stella a lot. 76 00:04:13,876 --> 00:04:15,605 - She's a Mets fan. - Really? 77 00:04:15,711 --> 00:04:18,202 It's just that everything with you guys has moved so fast. 78 00:04:18,314 --> 00:04:20,247 You've only known each other a few months. 79 00:04:20,348 --> 00:04:22,578 Don't you think maybe you should slow things down a little bit? 80 00:04:22,684 --> 00:04:23,673 Get to know each other better? 81 00:04:23,785 --> 00:04:26,754 I'll have a whole lifetime to get to know her better. 82 00:04:26,855 --> 00:04:31,188 Right now, I know the one thing that I have to, that I love her. 83 00:04:31,625 --> 00:04:35,322 You love her? Barney, how can you be in love 84 00:04:35,429 --> 00:04:38,864 and still be sleeping with anything that moves? 85 00:04:38,965 --> 00:04:41,024 I'm sorry, I don't follow you. 86 00:04:41,134 --> 00:04:45,400 That's like saying, "How can an ant carry 20 times its body weight, 87 00:04:45,504 --> 00:04:49,270 "but root beer floats are still delicious?" Are the two even related? Really? 88 00:04:49,374 --> 00:04:50,398 Ow! 89 00:04:50,509 --> 00:04:52,602 Barney, you're going to have to stop screwing around 90 00:04:52,711 --> 00:04:54,406 if you want to be Robin's boyfriend. 91 00:04:54,512 --> 00:05:00,576 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Boyfriend? I don't want to be Robin's "boyfriend." 92 00:05:00,685 --> 00:05:02,277 Well, what do you want, then? 93 00:05:02,386 --> 00:05:06,583 I don't know. I just want to be with her. All the time. 94 00:05:06,690 --> 00:05:09,784 I want to hear about her day and tell her about mine. 95 00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:13,191 I want to hold her hand and smell her hair. 96 00:05:14,129 --> 00:05:16,962 But I don't want to be her stupid boyfriend. 97 00:05:17,066 --> 00:05:19,159 Barney, what you just described 98 00:05:19,268 --> 00:05:22,828 is a relationship between a boyfriend and a girlfriend. 99 00:05:22,937 --> 00:05:25,462 And a pretty clingy one at that. 100 00:05:25,573 --> 00:05:28,235 Look, Lily, are you going to help me out with this or not? 101 00:05:28,342 --> 00:05:30,139 I'm a kindergarten teacher. 102 00:05:30,244 --> 00:05:34,077 I see a confused little kid in the corner trying to eat the lefty scissors, 103 00:05:34,181 --> 00:05:39,550 I gotta help the poor little bastard. But only if you stop sleeping around. Deal? 104 00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:41,909 Deal. 105 00:05:42,254 --> 00:05:43,221 Coming up next, 106 00:05:43,322 --> 00:05:48,123 is your local ice-cream man actually driving a roving meth lab on wheels? 107 00:05:48,227 --> 00:05:52,026 Stay tuned for the full scoop. 108 00:05:52,564 --> 00:05:53,826 Really? 109 00:05:54,566 --> 00:05:56,466 (HUMMING) 110 00:05:56,568 --> 00:05:58,398 - Uh-huh? - Mmm. 111 00:05:58,769 --> 00:06:02,865 I know dudes think it's girlie for a guy to cook, but us ladies? 112 00:06:02,973 --> 00:06:05,737 - We find it mighty sexy. - Really? 113 00:06:05,843 --> 00:06:08,902 You know, my grandma taught me how. 114 00:06:09,011 --> 00:06:10,945 - Oh, yeah, she did. - Yeah. 115 00:06:11,047 --> 00:06:13,174 Yeah, I had a lot of time after school to watch her cook, 116 00:06:13,282 --> 00:06:18,617 - because I wasn't good at sports. - I'm on fire right now. 117 00:06:23,058 --> 00:06:24,684 Delicious. What's in this pesto? 118 00:06:24,792 --> 00:06:30,253 You know, the usual. Basil, garlic, olive oil. But can you guess my secret ingredient? 119 00:06:30,364 --> 00:06:33,162 - Peanuts. - Yes. How did you know that? 120 00:06:34,134 --> 00:06:36,193 (SIREN WAILING) 121 00:06:40,106 --> 00:06:42,665 - Okay, let me think. What else? - You know what, sweetie? 122 00:06:42,775 --> 00:06:45,573 I woke up so early, and I had a really long day at work. 123 00:06:45,677 --> 00:06:48,043 And then there was that whole thing where you tried to kill me. 124 00:06:48,147 --> 00:06:49,580 Can we please just go to sleep? 125 00:06:49,681 --> 00:06:52,547 No, I clearly need to know more about you. 126 00:06:52,650 --> 00:06:57,019 - Let's do firsts. First kiss? - Dale Harris, second grade. 127 00:06:57,121 --> 00:07:00,352 Wait, you're talking like peck on the cheek or a full-on passionate making out? 128 00:07:00,457 --> 00:07:03,221 - Passionate making out. - Okay, yeah, Dale Harris, second grade. 129 00:07:03,693 --> 00:07:05,092 First time you had sex. 130 00:07:05,195 --> 00:07:07,129 - Dale Harris, second... - Stop it. 131 00:07:07,230 --> 00:07:10,460 - Billy Devito, sophomore year of college. - Prude. 132 00:07:10,566 --> 00:07:12,466 Molly McKenzie, junior year of high school. 133 00:07:12,568 --> 00:07:13,728 Slut. 134 00:07:14,570 --> 00:07:16,970 Robin just needs to see this new side of you. 135 00:07:17,072 --> 00:07:19,835 - So just call her up? - Just call her up. 136 00:07:21,743 --> 00:07:23,005 It's... 137 00:07:24,879 --> 00:07:26,278 (EX CLAIMING IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) 138 00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:33,183 - She wasn't there. I left a voice mail. - You left a voice, but it wasn't male. 139 00:07:33,287 --> 00:07:36,949 Barney, I don't get it. You've called a million girls a million times. 140 00:07:37,056 --> 00:07:38,614 Yeah, but those were just booty calls. 141 00:07:38,724 --> 00:07:41,090 On a booty call, you barely even have to talk. 142 00:07:41,727 --> 00:07:43,319 BARNEY: Around 9:00 p.m., you say... 143 00:07:43,429 --> 00:07:45,692 Hey, baby, it's Barney. You busy tonight? 144 00:07:45,797 --> 00:07:48,357 Sweet. See you in half an hour? Can't wait. 145 00:07:49,134 --> 00:07:51,625 BARNEY: But the later it gets, the fewer words you need. 146 00:07:51,736 --> 00:07:53,727 Barney. Busy? Sweet. 147 00:07:54,772 --> 00:07:56,069 And by 3:00 in the morning... 148 00:08:02,213 --> 00:08:03,407 Sweet. 149 00:08:04,414 --> 00:08:07,906 A question mark? You got laid off a question mark? 150 00:08:08,017 --> 00:08:08,984 (CHUCKLES) 151 00:08:09,085 --> 00:08:10,177 Ow! 152 00:08:10,286 --> 00:08:13,846 Hey! It's no worse than your super-obvious code words. 153 00:08:15,457 --> 00:08:17,584 - Rhinoceros. - We have to go. 154 00:08:18,994 --> 00:08:20,859 Great. Now we need a new code word. 155 00:08:20,963 --> 00:08:21,929 (CELL PHONE RINGS) 156 00:08:23,064 --> 00:08:26,431 It's her, it's Robin. What do I do? No, no, no, no... 157 00:08:26,534 --> 00:08:30,993 Robin, great to hear from you. To what do I owe the pleasure? 158 00:08:31,471 --> 00:08:32,438 You called, went... 159 00:08:32,539 --> 00:08:33,506 (EX CLAIMING IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) 160 00:08:33,607 --> 00:08:34,869 and hung up. What do you want? 161 00:08:35,609 --> 00:08:36,871 Help me! 162 00:08:37,577 --> 00:08:39,510 Just ask her something. 163 00:08:40,613 --> 00:08:43,480 - How are you feeling today? - Fine. 164 00:08:43,949 --> 00:08:45,712 Something personal. 165 00:08:47,386 --> 00:08:50,354 At what age did you first get your period? 166 00:08:51,322 --> 00:08:54,849 - Did you just ask me about my period? - No, I did not. 167 00:08:56,027 --> 00:08:57,324 Look, Barney, I'm at work right now. 168 00:08:57,661 --> 00:08:59,322 Just ask her out. 169 00:09:01,131 --> 00:09:03,759 Robin, I was wondering if... 170 00:09:05,969 --> 00:09:07,902 Nothing. Gotta go. Bye. 171 00:09:08,004 --> 00:09:09,835 Ha, ha, ha. 172 00:09:09,939 --> 00:09:13,568 That was just a practical joke. I'm not really in love with Robin. 173 00:09:13,676 --> 00:09:15,836 You should've seen the look on your face. 174 00:09:15,944 --> 00:09:19,038 There's cameras right there and there and there. 175 00:09:19,948 --> 00:09:23,975 What a legendary prank that we're never going to speak of again. 176 00:09:29,657 --> 00:09:30,988 Gross. 177 00:09:32,860 --> 00:09:36,295 - First movie you ever saw. - Benji, 1981. 178 00:09:37,230 --> 00:09:39,824 I watched it recently with Lucy and I just thought, 179 00:09:39,933 --> 00:09:42,457 "That dog is so dead right now." 180 00:09:43,869 --> 00:09:44,858 What about you? 181 00:09:44,970 --> 00:09:48,040 My dad took me to an old drive-in to see the original Star Wars. 182 00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:48,404 My dad took me to an old drive-in to see the original Star Wars. 183 00:09:48,507 --> 00:09:50,737 You know, I've actually never seen Star Wars. 184 00:09:50,926 --> 00:09:53,416 She's never seen Star Wars? 185 00:09:53,527 --> 00:09:55,927 Ted, the only people in the universe who haven't seen Star Wars 186 00:09:56,030 --> 00:09:58,965 are the characters in Star Wars, and that's 'cause they lived them, Ted! 187 00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:02,193 - That's 'cause they lived the Star Wars. - You gotta calm down. 188 00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:04,634 I told you. I told you you didn't know this girl well enough. 189 00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:07,332 What if you show it to her and she doesn't like it? 190 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:08,737 Dude, it's just a movie. 191 00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:11,469 Ted, Star Wars is your all-time favorite movie, 192 00:10:11,577 --> 00:10:13,943 and whether or not Stella likes it is actually important. 193 00:10:14,046 --> 00:10:16,514 It's a test of how compatible you guys are. 194 00:10:16,615 --> 00:10:20,607 Marshall, it's just a movie. It's just a movie. 195 00:10:25,623 --> 00:10:27,022 Okay, if Stella doesn't like this movie, 196 00:10:27,125 --> 00:10:29,490 - I can't marry her. - No, you can't. 197 00:10:29,593 --> 00:10:32,027 - Want to watch it again? - Yes, I do. 198 00:10:39,135 --> 00:10:41,194 Wait, where are the boys? I thought this was a group thing. 199 00:10:41,303 --> 00:10:44,329 Yeah, I lied. They're not coming and I'm about to leave. 200 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:45,497 Why? 201 00:10:45,607 --> 00:10:49,600 Because they're not in love with Robin, and neither am I. 202 00:10:49,711 --> 00:10:51,872 I mean, she's great and sweet. 203 00:10:51,980 --> 00:10:53,914 I'm not gonna pretend that I haven't noticed her body, 204 00:10:54,015 --> 00:10:56,778 but this is off-topic. Good luck. 205 00:10:56,884 --> 00:10:59,751 Wait, wait, I can't do this. She'll never take me seriously. 206 00:10:59,853 --> 00:11:01,821 She thinks I'm some womanizing idiot. 207 00:11:01,922 --> 00:11:04,617 Hey. We both know you're more than that. 208 00:11:04,724 --> 00:11:08,057 Okay, just show Robin the Barney I met the other day. 209 00:11:08,161 --> 00:11:10,721 You mean the insecure, touchy-feely she-male 210 00:11:10,830 --> 00:11:15,596 - who sounded alarmingly close to Ted? - Hey, Ted hit that for over a year. 211 00:11:16,668 --> 00:11:18,192 Wish me luck. 212 00:11:19,071 --> 00:11:20,868 I just thought it'd be fun to watch a movie tonight, 213 00:11:20,972 --> 00:11:25,601 and since you've never seen Star Wars, I figured, why not? No big deal. 214 00:11:26,310 --> 00:11:29,177 - It's pretty good. - Sounds like a plan. 215 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:31,504 (STAR WARS THEME PLAYING) 216 00:11:34,984 --> 00:11:36,884 Hey, I'm just gonna grab a beer. You want one? 217 00:11:36,986 --> 00:11:39,079 The movie's already started, so... 218 00:11:39,189 --> 00:11:40,917 Yeah, it's just some words flying through space. 219 00:11:41,023 --> 00:11:43,719 - I mean, I'm not going to read that anyway. - Oh, my God. 220 00:11:43,826 --> 00:11:47,819 - Off to a bad start. - What are you doing down there? 221 00:11:47,930 --> 00:11:50,454 I'm making sure my best friend is marrying the right woman. 222 00:11:50,565 --> 00:11:51,532 That's what I'm doing. 223 00:11:51,632 --> 00:11:53,930 Dude, what the hell are you doing, hiding behind the couch? 224 00:11:54,035 --> 00:11:56,003 You need to get a job. 225 00:11:57,405 --> 00:11:59,599 - I really do, don't I? - Yeah. 226 00:12:00,774 --> 00:12:04,369 So, Robin, tell me about your day, 227 00:12:04,478 --> 00:12:08,436 and not just what happened, how you felt about what happened. 228 00:12:08,981 --> 00:12:09,970 What? 229 00:12:10,082 --> 00:12:13,916 I'm not looking to problem-solve, I'm just looking to listen. 230 00:12:15,054 --> 00:12:17,385 - Why are you acting like this? - Like what? 231 00:12:17,489 --> 00:12:21,186 You're being super-nice. It's freaking me out. 232 00:12:21,292 --> 00:12:24,886 Be gross, be inappropriate. Be Barney. 233 00:12:24,995 --> 00:12:27,122 I'm being Barney, 234 00:12:27,231 --> 00:12:31,964 and I think tonight's going to be de... Wait for it... lightful. 235 00:12:33,303 --> 00:12:35,736 - Delightful. - Right. 236 00:12:38,641 --> 00:12:42,042 Hey, so I went to the chiropractor yesterday. 237 00:12:42,145 --> 00:12:46,103 That guy bent me over the table and pounded me for a good hour. 238 00:12:48,550 --> 00:12:51,712 Is insurance gonna cover that? Sometimes they don't. 239 00:12:51,819 --> 00:12:54,219 That's it? Okay. 240 00:12:56,023 --> 00:13:02,154 Well, today I was at the dentist. That guy drilled me all day long. 241 00:13:03,496 --> 00:13:07,990 He drilled me hard. He filled all of my cavities. 242 00:13:08,101 --> 00:13:11,160 - Come on, man. - Well, your teeth look fantastic. 243 00:13:11,270 --> 00:13:12,703 Who are you? 244 00:13:21,045 --> 00:13:22,171 What? 245 00:13:23,114 --> 00:13:24,411 Nothing. 246 00:13:25,249 --> 00:13:27,183 You were staring at me. 247 00:13:28,418 --> 00:13:30,909 You look really beautiful tonight. 248 00:13:32,022 --> 00:13:34,115 You don't look so bad yourself, mister. 249 00:13:34,224 --> 00:13:36,589 Yeah, great scene, great scene. 250 00:13:38,961 --> 00:13:40,792 Star Wars fun fact number seven, 251 00:13:40,896 --> 00:13:45,196 George Lucas based the film's structure on Akira Kurosawa's The Hidden Fortress. 252 00:13:45,301 --> 00:13:48,098 He also owes a debt to Joseph Campbell's work with comparative mythology. 253 00:13:48,203 --> 00:13:51,866 Yeah, Ted, I'm losing wood over here. What's going on? 254 00:13:51,973 --> 00:13:53,235 Nothing. 255 00:13:54,441 --> 00:13:58,343 Wait, it's really important to you that I like this movie, isn't it? 256 00:13:58,879 --> 00:14:00,073 (SCOFFS) 257 00:14:00,180 --> 00:14:01,340 No. 258 00:14:01,448 --> 00:14:04,905 Well, I'm not gonna like it with you staring at me the whole time. 259 00:14:05,017 --> 00:14:06,814 Go to your room and I will come get you when it's over. 260 00:14:06,919 --> 00:14:08,443 - Stella... - Go. 261 00:14:15,393 --> 00:14:16,382 Should I leave, too? 262 00:14:16,494 --> 00:14:17,461 (SHRIEKS) 263 00:14:17,996 --> 00:14:20,362 What part? What part? What part? 264 00:14:27,771 --> 00:14:28,999 Thanks. 265 00:14:29,907 --> 00:14:32,500 Nothing? Not even a glance? 266 00:14:32,609 --> 00:14:36,443 I mean, even I was thinking about rocking a motorboat on those bad boys. 267 00:14:36,546 --> 00:14:39,071 What the hell is wrong with you, Barney? 268 00:14:39,182 --> 00:14:41,206 I don't always want to be that guy. 269 00:14:41,316 --> 00:14:45,309 Sometimes I want to be someone you can have an actual conversation with. 270 00:14:45,420 --> 00:14:49,253 Now, tell me something about you that I don't know yet. 271 00:14:49,357 --> 00:14:50,756 Seriously. 272 00:14:52,026 --> 00:14:53,391 Okay. 273 00:14:55,296 --> 00:15:00,130 There's a job opening at a new cable network that would be perfect for me. 274 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:04,329 Completely legit world news, interviews with people who matter... 275 00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:07,471 But I decided I'm not going to apply. 276 00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:09,632 - Why not? - Because I'm a joke. 277 00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:13,041 I'm just the scary news lady from some stupid local news channel. 278 00:15:13,145 --> 00:15:15,977 Hey, we both know you're more than that. 279 00:15:17,148 --> 00:15:19,139 Promise me you'll apply. 280 00:15:19,717 --> 00:15:23,175 - Barney, it's not as easy... - Promise me you'll apply. 281 00:15:25,055 --> 00:15:27,353 Okay. I promise. 282 00:15:29,426 --> 00:15:30,984 Okay, she's up to the scene 283 00:15:31,094 --> 00:15:34,085 where Luke, Leia, Han and Chewie escape from the Death Star's trash compactor. 284 00:15:34,196 --> 00:15:37,131 - Great scene. - (ENUNCIATING) Great scene. 285 00:15:39,835 --> 00:15:42,360 Okay, we should have just heard... 286 00:15:42,470 --> 00:15:44,097 (GASPING) 287 00:15:44,205 --> 00:15:45,638 (SIGHS IN RELIEF) 288 00:15:46,441 --> 00:15:48,170 But Stella didn't make a peep. 289 00:15:48,276 --> 00:15:50,767 - I'm gonna take a look. - All right. 290 00:15:58,285 --> 00:16:00,844 She's not even watching. She's texting. 291 00:16:00,954 --> 00:16:04,481 - I'll tell her you still want to be friends. - I don't believe this. I believe... 292 00:16:04,590 --> 00:16:06,558 She knows this is important to me. She's blatantly... 293 00:16:06,659 --> 00:16:08,058 (CELL PHONE BEEPS) 294 00:16:10,562 --> 00:16:12,928 "Stop watching me, jackasses." 295 00:16:14,333 --> 00:16:17,029 - To taking chances. - To taking chances. 296 00:16:20,071 --> 00:16:21,561 You know, Robin, there's actually something 297 00:16:21,672 --> 00:16:23,503 I do want to talk to you about. 298 00:16:23,607 --> 00:16:26,201 - Last call. - Of course it is. 299 00:16:26,310 --> 00:16:29,938 - One more for the road? - Yeah, why not? Hold that thought? 300 00:16:32,615 --> 00:16:33,877 I will. 301 00:16:42,491 --> 00:16:44,254 - I loved it. - Yes! 302 00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:49,023 Yes, I am marrying a woman who is not only hot but loves Star Wars. 303 00:16:49,130 --> 00:16:51,030 That's the dream. Yes! 304 00:16:52,066 --> 00:16:53,055 What was that? 305 00:16:53,167 --> 00:16:56,397 I was high-fiving 15-year-old me through the space-time continuum. 306 00:16:56,503 --> 00:16:59,995 We did it. We did it, you masturbating little bastard. 307 00:17:00,674 --> 00:17:02,665 Champagne for everybody. 308 00:17:04,210 --> 00:17:05,302 (SIGHS) 309 00:17:05,411 --> 00:17:06,537 It was so good. 310 00:17:06,645 --> 00:17:08,636 - You hated it, didn't you? - It's so stupid. 311 00:17:08,748 --> 00:17:11,444 I mean, first of all, how do they understand that walking bear 312 00:17:11,550 --> 00:17:12,573 they hang around with all the time? 313 00:17:12,684 --> 00:17:14,379 - Wookiee. - Yeah, he goes... 314 00:17:14,486 --> 00:17:16,181 (GRUNTING) 315 00:17:16,287 --> 00:17:18,721 And they're all like, "That's a good point, Bear, let's try that." 316 00:17:18,823 --> 00:17:23,816 Okay, he's a Wookiee, and his kind is actually more intelligent than they appear. 317 00:17:23,927 --> 00:17:27,886 Look, Stella, that is Ted's favorite movie of all time. 318 00:17:27,998 --> 00:17:30,397 He watches it when he's home, sick with the flu. 319 00:17:30,500 --> 00:17:33,094 He watches it on rainy Sunday afternoons in the fall. 320 00:17:33,803 --> 00:17:36,533 He watches it on Christmas Eve. 321 00:17:36,639 --> 00:17:38,038 Ted watches Star Wars 322 00:17:38,141 --> 00:17:41,507 in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad. 323 00:17:42,677 --> 00:17:45,805 Do you really think that you can pretend to like a movie that you actually hate 324 00:17:45,914 --> 00:17:48,007 for the rest of your life? 325 00:17:52,686 --> 00:17:53,778 I do. 326 00:17:55,489 --> 00:17:57,786 Well, then, Ted's a lucky guy. 327 00:18:02,228 --> 00:18:03,354 Bear. 328 00:18:06,266 --> 00:18:07,254 - Hey. - Hey. 329 00:18:07,366 --> 00:18:11,803 - So, here's the deal... - April, have you met Barney? 330 00:18:11,904 --> 00:18:14,304 - Hi, Barney. - Hello. 331 00:18:14,406 --> 00:18:18,364 April just finished her shift, and she's looking to blow off some steam. 332 00:18:18,476 --> 00:18:19,670 (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) 333 00:18:19,777 --> 00:18:22,177 Would you excuse us for one sec? 334 00:18:23,014 --> 00:18:25,243 - What are you doing? - Well, you were so nice to me tonight, 335 00:18:25,348 --> 00:18:28,374 I wanted to return the favor, wingwoman style. 336 00:18:29,219 --> 00:18:32,882 So, as I was saying, April, Barney is the Yankees' new second-baseman. 337 00:18:32,989 --> 00:18:35,286 And Barney, April asked if tomorrow, 338 00:18:35,391 --> 00:18:39,191 you could hit a goal for her during the baseball match. 339 00:18:39,295 --> 00:18:41,559 You can't make this stuff up. 340 00:18:42,198 --> 00:18:44,290 So, you two kids have fun. 341 00:18:46,768 --> 00:18:48,998 So, are you nervous about the game? 342 00:18:49,104 --> 00:18:53,938 Yeah, I'm nervous for the other team, 'cause when I step up to that plate... 343 00:18:56,844 --> 00:18:59,404 Look, April, I am not a New York Yankee. 344 00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:02,481 Any other night, I would probably try to convince you that I am, but I'm not. 345 00:19:02,582 --> 00:19:06,484 I'm just some guy who's in love with the girl that just left, 346 00:19:06,586 --> 00:19:09,554 and she's never gonna feel the same way. 347 00:19:11,389 --> 00:19:13,380 So I'm just gonna go. 348 00:19:14,126 --> 00:19:17,493 - And that was it. - I'm so sorry, Barney. 349 00:19:19,029 --> 00:19:20,860 But you can't give up. 350 00:19:20,965 --> 00:19:24,366 You know, it may take some time, but once Robin really sees the new you... 351 00:19:24,468 --> 00:19:27,301 Barney, when my family gets to Yankee Stadium, 352 00:19:27,403 --> 00:19:29,064 are the tickets under your name or mine? 353 00:19:29,205 --> 00:19:31,639 My name, and tell your nephews to bring their mitts. 354 00:19:31,741 --> 00:19:35,108 - They're going to be in foul-ball country. - Okay. 355 00:19:36,146 --> 00:19:39,410 Come on. Okay, well, the Robin stuff was completely true. 356 00:19:39,515 --> 00:19:40,504 Ow! 357 00:19:40,616 --> 00:19:41,844 Damn it, Barney. 358 00:19:41,950 --> 00:19:47,387 I mean, for the last time, you can't, you can't be in love with Robin 359 00:19:47,488 --> 00:19:50,582 and still be sleeping with every bimbo on the planet. 360 00:19:50,691 --> 00:19:52,989 You have to choose right now. 361 00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:55,960 - I choose bimbos. - What? 362 00:19:56,062 --> 00:20:00,965 Hey, Lily, bimbos make me happy. Bimbos make me feel alive. 363 00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:05,264 Bimbos make me want to pretend to be a better man. 364 00:20:05,371 --> 00:20:07,134 This whole thing with Robin was just a fling, 365 00:20:07,239 --> 00:20:10,731 but at the end of the day, my heart belongs to bimbos. 366 00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:15,336 No, no, this is just a defense mechanism because you're afraid of getting hurt. 367 00:20:15,446 --> 00:20:17,414 You're just confused. 368 00:20:17,515 --> 00:20:21,848 I'm not confused, Lily. You know who is confused? 369 00:20:21,952 --> 00:20:24,352 Bimbos. They're easily confused. 370 00:20:24,454 --> 00:20:27,787 It's one of the thousand little things I love about them. 371 00:20:27,891 --> 00:20:31,291 I love their vacant, trusting stares, 372 00:20:31,394 --> 00:20:36,855 their sluggish, unencumbered minds, their unresolved daddy issues. 373 00:20:36,966 --> 00:20:39,957 I love them, Lily, and they love me. 374 00:20:40,068 --> 00:20:44,334 Bimbos have always been there for me, through thick and thin. 375 00:20:44,439 --> 00:20:47,738 Mostly thin. B-man don't do thick crust. What up? 376 00:20:47,842 --> 00:20:49,502 See you, Barney. 377 00:20:49,977 --> 00:20:51,001 Oh. 378 00:20:56,784 --> 00:20:58,182 (SIGHS) 379 00:21:03,756 --> 00:21:04,723 (INAUDIBLE) 380 00:21:17,902 --> 00:21:19,767 (ALL LAUGHING) 381 00:21:19,870 --> 00:21:21,997 - Chimichanga. - We have to go.