1 00:00:01,433 --> 00:00:03,196 OLDER TED: Kids, when I first moved to New York, 2 00:00:03,301 --> 00:00:08,204 it was dingy, disgusting, dirty, ugly, flea-ridden, stinky, 3 00:00:08,306 --> 00:00:10,639 and altogether terrifying. 4 00:00:10,743 --> 00:00:15,112 But then, sadly, the whole city started to go uphill. 5 00:00:16,382 --> 00:00:17,781 The streets got a little cleaner, 6 00:00:17,883 --> 00:00:20,317 the rents got a little higher, and one by one, 7 00:00:20,419 --> 00:00:23,354 the crappy old places we loved began to disappear. 8 00:00:23,956 --> 00:00:27,893 The Elbow Room, an old punk-rock club, became a drugstore. 9 00:00:28,595 --> 00:00:33,032 McHale's, a working-class watering hole, became a fast-food place. 10 00:00:33,133 --> 00:00:37,729 And Fez, this awesome lounge at 85th and Broadway, became a bank. 11 00:00:37,838 --> 00:00:39,066 And not just any bank. 12 00:00:39,172 --> 00:00:43,667 Goliath National Bank, the world leader in credit and banking. 13 00:00:43,778 --> 00:00:47,043 God, I love Goliath National Bank! 14 00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:49,810 Okay, first of all, you look like the last pick in the draft. 15 00:00:49,917 --> 00:00:52,317 And second, why are you so excited about some bank? 16 00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:56,414 Our company just bought them out in a ruthless takeover. Took two months. 17 00:00:56,525 --> 00:01:00,655 Cost 2,000 jobs. It was brutal. 18 00:01:01,530 --> 00:01:03,361 Who wants a T-shirt? 19 00:01:03,999 --> 00:01:06,661 Hey, Marshall, they're hiring in the legal department. 20 00:01:06,769 --> 00:01:08,031 I could get you a job. 21 00:01:08,137 --> 00:01:11,369 Barney, Marshall didn't quit his last soul-sucking corporate job 22 00:01:11,474 --> 00:01:15,570 just to go work at a bank. He's gonna be an environmental lawyer. 23 00:01:15,678 --> 00:01:17,202 OLDER TED: That was the plan, anyway. 24 00:01:17,313 --> 00:01:20,111 Over the next few weeks, Marshall went on a lot of interviews. 25 00:01:20,216 --> 00:01:24,949 You are confident, you are energetic, you are focused! 26 00:01:25,054 --> 00:01:26,647 OLDER TED: A lot of interviews. 27 00:01:26,757 --> 00:01:31,194 You are flexible on salary, you're willing to compromise, 28 00:01:31,295 --> 00:01:33,627 you're not gonna cry this time. 29 00:01:34,031 --> 00:01:35,293 Too many interviews. 30 00:01:35,399 --> 00:01:38,960 You are sad, you are beaten down. 31 00:01:39,069 --> 00:01:45,236 You will get through this, come home, get in your big underpants and take a nap. 32 00:01:46,545 --> 00:01:50,743 Which brings us to September 29th, the night of the burger. 33 00:01:50,849 --> 00:01:52,942 So, what do you guys want to do for dinner? 34 00:01:53,084 --> 00:01:56,451 We just got a new cook. You have to try the burger, it's amazing. 35 00:01:56,556 --> 00:01:59,047 - Oh, great, we'll take five of those. - Five burgers. 36 00:01:59,158 --> 00:02:01,251 Whoa, really? You want to eat here? 37 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:04,295 Yeah, I'm freaking starving. I just finished a seven-day cleanse. 38 00:02:04,397 --> 00:02:05,625 I thought you just started that yesterday. 39 00:02:05,731 --> 00:02:07,858 I finished early, okay? 40 00:02:07,967 --> 00:02:09,491 - Five of those. - Five burgers. 41 00:02:09,602 --> 00:02:12,697 - Whoa, wait. What about sushi? - We had sushi last night. 42 00:02:12,806 --> 00:02:14,467 - Italian. - I had Italian for lunch. 43 00:02:14,575 --> 00:02:16,543 - I can come back. - No. We always do this. 44 00:02:16,643 --> 00:02:18,440 We spend an hour arguing about where to eat, 45 00:02:18,545 --> 00:02:21,878 and then we end up eating here anyway. I haven't eaten for two days. 46 00:02:21,982 --> 00:02:26,112 Can we please, for the love of God, just order something now? 47 00:02:28,256 --> 00:02:30,952 - Chinese? - I don't like Chinese. 48 00:02:31,059 --> 00:02:33,755 - Indian? - I just said I don't like Chinese. 49 00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:35,159 Indian isn't Chinese. 50 00:02:35,263 --> 00:02:39,461 Weird meats, funny music, side of rice. Why are we splitting hairs? 51 00:02:39,567 --> 00:02:42,434 - Mexican? - I just said I don't like Chinese. 52 00:02:42,537 --> 00:02:43,505 (ROBIN GROANS) 53 00:02:43,529 --> 00:02:51,529 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 54 00:02:58,088 --> 00:03:03,048 - Robin, yours will be right out. - Of course, mine comes last. 55 00:03:05,595 --> 00:03:06,926 Go ahead, start without me. 56 00:03:07,030 --> 00:03:08,190 - Sweet! Thank you. - You shouldn't have. 57 00:03:08,298 --> 00:03:10,163 That's so kind of you. 58 00:03:11,902 --> 00:03:14,463 (ALL MOANING) 59 00:03:14,572 --> 00:03:17,803 Oh, my God. This burger is so good. 60 00:03:17,909 --> 00:03:21,310 It's like Christmas in my mouth. Meat Christmas. 61 00:03:22,213 --> 00:03:26,547 It's like an angel from heaven landed in the kitchen at MacLaren's, 62 00:03:26,651 --> 00:03:30,053 where the chef killed it and ran it through the meat grinder. 63 00:03:30,155 --> 00:03:34,216 I love this burger so much, I want to sew my ass shut. 64 00:03:36,428 --> 00:03:37,486 It's okay. 65 00:03:37,596 --> 00:03:39,757 - Are you kidding me? - Guys, guys, guys. 66 00:03:39,865 --> 00:03:42,129 When you've had the best burger in New York City, 67 00:03:42,234 --> 00:03:45,068 every other burger tastes like my grandpa's feet. 68 00:03:45,171 --> 00:03:48,436 But you guys eat up, enjoy my grandpa's feet. 69 00:03:48,541 --> 00:03:50,406 Oh, and you've had the best burger in New York. 70 00:03:50,510 --> 00:03:52,068 (GROANING) 71 00:03:52,178 --> 00:03:55,739 It was eight years ago, my first week in New York, 72 00:03:55,848 --> 00:03:59,284 and for a kid from Minnesota, the big city was a scary place. 73 00:03:59,987 --> 00:04:01,955 (DOOR LOCK CLICKING) 74 00:04:05,392 --> 00:04:06,689 Thank God, it's just you. 75 00:04:06,794 --> 00:04:10,025 You are being ridiculous. Tell me you left the apartment today. 76 00:04:10,130 --> 00:04:11,097 Why would I have to leave? 77 00:04:11,198 --> 00:04:14,429 I can have anything I want delivered, and New York City cable is awesome. 78 00:04:14,535 --> 00:04:17,437 Have you seen this public access show with the old Jewish lady in a bikini? 79 00:04:17,539 --> 00:04:18,733 It's disgusting. 80 00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:21,001 Marshall, you have to get over this paranoia. 81 00:04:21,109 --> 00:04:22,542 You are not gonna get mugged. 82 00:04:22,644 --> 00:04:25,010 Well, what if I do, Ted, all right? I don't have a switchblade. 83 00:04:25,113 --> 00:04:26,740 I don't know how to breakdance 84 00:04:26,848 --> 00:04:28,713 and win the begrudging respect of a street gang. 85 00:04:28,817 --> 00:04:30,979 All right, that's it, you're taking a walk. Come on, go. 86 00:04:31,087 --> 00:04:32,782 No. Look, the old lady in a bikini is back on. 87 00:04:32,888 --> 00:04:34,253 I'm just gonna lie back and get comfortable... 88 00:04:34,357 --> 00:04:38,054 - Go! Go outside. Go, go. - Okay. 89 00:04:41,731 --> 00:04:43,995 - Leave the bat. - Fine. 90 00:04:45,402 --> 00:04:48,030 MARSHALL: So I went for a walk in the big, scary city. 91 00:04:48,138 --> 00:04:51,471 And I discovered something amazing. It wasn't scary at all. 92 00:04:51,575 --> 00:04:52,974 All right. 93 00:04:53,443 --> 00:04:55,104 What's the word? 94 00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:57,646 - Hello. - Your search is over! 95 00:04:57,748 --> 00:05:02,345 And then, right when I started to get a little hungry, I turned a corner... 96 00:05:04,822 --> 00:05:09,191 ...and there it was. The tiniest little burger joint you ever saw, 97 00:05:09,293 --> 00:05:12,160 tucked between a taxidermist and a XXX bookstore. 98 00:05:12,263 --> 00:05:15,130 Name two places where things get stuffed. 99 00:05:16,468 --> 00:05:18,436 So I went inside. 100 00:05:19,405 --> 00:05:21,635 And I ordered the burger. 101 00:05:22,641 --> 00:05:24,006 Thank you. 102 00:06:04,986 --> 00:06:05,975 Ted. 103 00:06:06,088 --> 00:06:08,716 Ted, you've got to wake up. Ted, wake... 104 00:06:10,258 --> 00:06:12,192 Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. 105 00:06:12,294 --> 00:06:14,228 - Are you okay? - I'm all right. 106 00:06:15,630 --> 00:06:19,067 Ted. Ted, I've just had the most amazing burger of my life! 107 00:06:19,168 --> 00:06:21,295 It's this awesome little place. Regis Philbin eats there, 108 00:06:21,404 --> 00:06:25,602 so it's sort of like a celebrity hotspot. But the burger, Ted. The burger. 109 00:06:25,708 --> 00:06:28,176 Dude. I want one of those burgers right now! 110 00:06:28,277 --> 00:06:29,904 - Do you think they're still open? - I don't know. 111 00:06:30,012 --> 00:06:32,948 Does stuff in New York stay open past 9:30? 112 00:06:33,784 --> 00:06:37,447 MARSHALL: So we went out to get another burger. But after hours of searching... 113 00:06:37,554 --> 00:06:39,852 Damn it! Where is this place? 114 00:06:40,290 --> 00:06:42,417 - You couldn't find it? - We didn't know our way around. 115 00:06:42,526 --> 00:06:44,391 Just getting back to the apartment took us three hours 116 00:06:44,495 --> 00:06:48,728 - and one very helpful drag queen. - Wait, Betty Noir was a drag queen? 117 00:06:49,634 --> 00:06:53,866 - Well, where do you think it was? - Probably tucked between her legs. 118 00:06:54,806 --> 00:06:56,034 You know what's not a drag? 119 00:06:56,141 --> 00:06:59,542 Getting a home equity loan at Goliath National Bank. I'm just saying. 120 00:06:59,644 --> 00:07:02,374 Anyways, we never found the place. 121 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:06,747 Now eight years have passed, still no burger. 122 00:07:09,288 --> 00:07:12,746 - I couldn't help but overhear. - Okay, here we go. 123 00:07:12,858 --> 00:07:15,258 - I know the place you're talking about. - No, you don't. 124 00:07:15,361 --> 00:07:18,957 It's a place called The Corner Bistro. Great burger. 125 00:07:19,232 --> 00:07:22,326 Oh! Oh, The Corner Bistro! 126 00:07:23,069 --> 00:07:24,798 It's amazing, I spent a quarter of my life 127 00:07:24,905 --> 00:07:26,634 searching for the best burger in New York City, 128 00:07:26,740 --> 00:07:29,402 but silly me, it never occurred to me 129 00:07:29,509 --> 00:07:32,171 to check the highest-rated burger in the Zagat guide. 130 00:07:32,279 --> 00:07:35,807 Wow, thanks a lot, guy. Let me return the favor. 131 00:07:35,917 --> 00:07:39,250 Great cup of coffee? Starbucks. 132 00:07:39,353 --> 00:07:40,377 Shh! 133 00:07:43,424 --> 00:07:45,892 So I take it you've tried The Corner Bistro. 134 00:07:45,993 --> 00:07:50,124 Robin, I've tried every so-called best burger in New York City 135 00:07:50,232 --> 00:07:54,965 trying to find that burger. Or at least forget about her. 136 00:08:12,322 --> 00:08:13,789 We're going. 137 00:08:14,924 --> 00:08:17,051 But none of those places even came close. 138 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:20,186 Hey, there was that one time we thought we had a break in the case, remember? 139 00:08:20,564 --> 00:08:24,660 Get this. You know who works out at my gym? Regis Philbin. 140 00:08:24,768 --> 00:08:26,531 The autographed picture. 141 00:08:26,937 --> 00:08:30,668 Of course, I remember the place. It was the best burger I ever had. 142 00:08:30,774 --> 00:08:35,735 I still have dreams about this burger. Beautiful, haunting dreams! 143 00:08:35,847 --> 00:08:40,011 I wake up at night, screaming, "Get out of my head, burger! Get out!" 144 00:08:40,118 --> 00:08:41,608 That's the one, Mr. Philbin. 145 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:44,746 - Do you remember where it is? - No! I never wrote it down. 146 00:08:44,856 --> 00:08:48,758 But not a day goes by that I don't regret it. 147 00:08:48,860 --> 00:08:51,022 - Why? Why? Do you know where it is? - No. 148 00:08:51,130 --> 00:08:54,463 And if you tell me it's at The Corner Bistro, I'm gonna smack you right in the face! 149 00:08:54,567 --> 00:08:55,761 No, we don't know where it is. 150 00:08:55,868 --> 00:09:00,464 Listen, blondie! Don't mess with me! Daddy needs his meat. 151 00:09:00,573 --> 00:09:03,736 I don't know where it is, Regis, I swear! 152 00:09:03,843 --> 00:09:07,780 What about you, Lurch? And what about you, satchel-mouth? 153 00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:09,041 (MOUTHING) Satchel-mouth? 154 00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:13,846 This is my cell. You find that burger, you call me day or night. 155 00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:15,615 Okay, Regis, we will, we will. 156 00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:18,054 All right, so what are you waiting for? Get out and find the burger! 157 00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:19,819 - All right, all right. - REGIS: Let's go, all of you! 158 00:09:21,628 --> 00:09:23,529 That's where my story ends. 159 00:09:23,631 --> 00:09:27,761 Now I'm doomed to walk the earth forever, searching for that green door 160 00:09:27,869 --> 00:09:30,599 and that red neon sign that says "Burger." 161 00:09:30,705 --> 00:09:33,196 Green door, red neon sign that says "Burger"? 162 00:09:33,308 --> 00:09:34,332 - Yeah. - I know that place. 163 00:09:34,442 --> 00:09:38,402 I've walked by it a million times. It's on West 12th, right off of 7th. 164 00:09:38,514 --> 00:09:41,278 I knew it was on a numbered street! 165 00:09:41,383 --> 00:09:43,317 - Finally. - No! Robin! 166 00:09:43,419 --> 00:09:47,355 If any of us is gonna eat a burger tonight, it's gonna be the best burger in New York. 167 00:09:47,456 --> 00:09:49,253 We're going downtown! 168 00:09:49,358 --> 00:09:50,325 (ROBIN EX CLAIMS) 169 00:09:56,066 --> 00:09:58,660 I cannot believe we're finally gonna have this burger. 170 00:09:58,768 --> 00:10:00,895 Honey, I'm so excited for you. 171 00:10:01,004 --> 00:10:04,030 After all these interviews, after all these disappointments, 172 00:10:04,140 --> 00:10:06,938 you deserve a triumphant mouthful of meat. 173 00:10:07,043 --> 00:10:11,071 You know what else is a mouthful? All that double-talk other banks give you. 174 00:10:11,182 --> 00:10:14,913 At Goliath, customer satisfaction is our most important investment. 175 00:10:15,019 --> 00:10:18,648 Barney, I hate to break this to you, but working for a bank's kind of lame. 176 00:10:18,756 --> 00:10:22,522 Oh, yeah. How lame is free automatic bill pay, Lil? 177 00:10:22,626 --> 00:10:27,462 How lame is 3.3% APY online savings? Yeah! That's right. 178 00:10:27,566 --> 00:10:30,933 Hate to make you look stupid in front of your friends, but you left me no choice. 179 00:10:31,036 --> 00:10:32,663 (CHUCKLES) 180 00:10:32,771 --> 00:10:34,432 We should probably call Regis. 181 00:10:34,539 --> 00:10:38,874 Regis. God, that guy scares me. I think I'll leave him a text. 182 00:10:39,012 --> 00:10:43,278 Now, Kathy, your last flip was heads. The one before that was tails. 183 00:10:43,383 --> 00:10:46,648 You polled the audience, they came out split, 50-50. 184 00:10:46,753 --> 00:10:52,487 No help at all there. So, for $258,000, 185 00:10:53,226 --> 00:10:56,219 I have to ask you, Kathy, what's it gonna be? 186 00:10:56,330 --> 00:10:58,730 Heads or... 187 00:10:58,832 --> 00:10:59,799 (CELL PHONE BEEPS) 188 00:11:00,401 --> 00:11:05,395 Excuse me. Oh, boy. I've got to go. I've got to go! 189 00:11:07,808 --> 00:11:11,540 Green door, red neon sign. Guys, this is the place. 190 00:11:11,980 --> 00:11:14,312 No, no, I've actually... I've prepared a few words. 191 00:11:14,416 --> 00:11:15,440 I will eat your hand! 192 00:11:15,550 --> 00:11:18,314 All right, let's just go inside then, shall we? 193 00:11:18,420 --> 00:11:19,751 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 194 00:11:19,854 --> 00:11:21,412 Yours will be right out. 195 00:11:21,523 --> 00:11:22,785 (ROBIN SIGHS) 196 00:11:24,359 --> 00:11:26,794 - Please, go ahead, start. - No. 197 00:11:26,896 --> 00:11:29,364 - Just shut up and eat. - All right. 198 00:11:32,501 --> 00:11:35,868 Oh, my God. I'm never brushing my teeth again 199 00:11:35,971 --> 00:11:39,304 unless it's with a toothbrush made from this burger. 200 00:11:39,408 --> 00:11:42,071 I think I just had my first burg-asm. 201 00:11:43,246 --> 00:11:49,412 I want to take this burger out to dinner, then maybe a movie, 202 00:11:49,519 --> 00:11:53,216 then take it back to my place, put on a little Terence Trent D'arby, 203 00:11:53,323 --> 00:11:57,021 and then I would just fool around a little bit. 204 00:11:57,128 --> 00:12:00,256 Nothing serious. Just take it slow, you know? 205 00:12:00,364 --> 00:12:01,456 - This isn't it. - What? 206 00:12:01,566 --> 00:12:03,693 - Marshall! - It's not it! 207 00:12:03,801 --> 00:12:06,326 Okay, Marshall, you might not want to hear this, 208 00:12:06,437 --> 00:12:09,304 but is it at all possible this is the same burger you had eight years ago, 209 00:12:09,407 --> 00:12:11,933 only it could never live up to your ridiculously high expectations? 210 00:12:12,044 --> 00:12:15,013 - I mean, it is just a burger. - Just a burger? 211 00:12:15,948 --> 00:12:17,472 Just a burger? 212 00:12:18,083 --> 00:12:21,610 Robin, it's so much more than just a burger. 213 00:12:22,387 --> 00:12:25,049 I mean, that first bite... 214 00:12:25,959 --> 00:12:28,860 Oh, what heaven that first bite is. 215 00:12:28,962 --> 00:12:32,864 The bun, like a sesame-freckled breast of an angel, 216 00:12:32,966 --> 00:12:35,526 resting gently on the ketchup and mustard below. 217 00:12:35,635 --> 00:12:39,036 Flavors mingling in a seductive pas de deux. 218 00:12:39,839 --> 00:12:44,072 And then, a pickle, 219 00:12:44,178 --> 00:12:47,909 the most playful little pickle, 220 00:12:48,015 --> 00:12:51,781 then a slice of tomato, a leaf of lettuce, and a... 221 00:12:51,886 --> 00:12:56,790 A patty of ground beef so exquisite, 222 00:12:57,526 --> 00:13:00,962 swirling in your mouth, breaking apart and combining again 223 00:13:01,062 --> 00:13:03,929 in a fugue of sweets and savories so 224 00:13:05,367 --> 00:13:06,994 delightful. 225 00:13:07,102 --> 00:13:11,334 This is no mere sandwich of grilled meat and toasted bread, Robin. 226 00:13:11,439 --> 00:13:15,843 This is God speaking to us through food. 227 00:13:18,381 --> 00:13:21,441 And you got our wedding vows off the Internet. 228 00:13:22,785 --> 00:13:27,348 Okay, look, so this isn't the place. All right, it's no big deal. 229 00:13:27,457 --> 00:13:31,553 It's another place with a green door and a red neon sign that says "Burger." 230 00:13:31,662 --> 00:13:36,964 I'll call every restaurant in Manhattan and ask them what color their door is. 231 00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:39,501 No big deal, right? Let's do this. 232 00:13:39,603 --> 00:13:40,570 Whoo! 233 00:13:40,671 --> 00:13:41,899 (LAUGHING) 234 00:13:44,242 --> 00:13:47,905 I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this isn't just about a burger. 235 00:13:48,012 --> 00:13:51,971 Marshall's not doing so well, guys. He really needs to get a job. 236 00:13:52,083 --> 00:13:55,917 - Tell them about the underpants. - What about the underpants? 237 00:13:56,754 --> 00:13:58,620 It started a couple of weeks ago. 238 00:13:59,525 --> 00:14:03,757 Heads! It's gonna be heads. It's almost usually heads. 239 00:14:04,897 --> 00:14:06,660 - Hey, baby. - Hey! 240 00:14:07,700 --> 00:14:10,396 - Did you put on pants today? - Nope. 241 00:14:10,603 --> 00:14:11,968 (BOTH CHUCKLING) 242 00:14:12,705 --> 00:14:16,540 It was funny at first, but then it became a daily thing. 243 00:14:16,643 --> 00:14:20,477 I thought, "Okay, well, at least he's not leaving the house like that." 244 00:14:20,580 --> 00:14:23,879 Then one day, he opened the door to get the paper. 245 00:14:24,551 --> 00:14:27,816 Day after that, went downstairs to get the mail. 246 00:14:28,756 --> 00:14:31,281 Everyone's got an underpants radius. 247 00:14:31,392 --> 00:14:34,850 For most of us, it's the distance from the bedroom to the bathroom. 248 00:14:34,962 --> 00:14:39,422 But as your self-esteem gets smaller, your underpants radius gets bigger. 249 00:14:40,201 --> 00:14:42,999 How big is Marshall's underpants radius? 250 00:14:44,273 --> 00:14:45,740 We're going. 251 00:14:51,613 --> 00:14:54,275 Come on, Lily, he'll find a job eventually. 252 00:14:54,383 --> 00:14:56,476 You know, Lil, when times are tough, 253 00:14:56,585 --> 00:14:59,749 I like to remember the uplifting words of my favorite song. 254 00:14:59,856 --> 00:15:03,519 We'll be on your side when you need a friend 255 00:15:03,626 --> 00:15:07,790 Through thick and thin you can always depend 256 00:15:07,897 --> 00:15:13,164 On the world leaders in credit and banking 257 00:15:13,269 --> 00:15:17,263 Goliath National Bank! 258 00:15:17,374 --> 00:15:18,864 Member, FDIC. 259 00:15:19,810 --> 00:15:21,607 We've got to find Marshall that burger. 260 00:15:21,712 --> 00:15:25,011 - Lily, I think we're all eating that burger. - I'm not eating that burger. 261 00:15:25,115 --> 00:15:28,380 No, if Marshall says this isn't the burger, this isn't the burger. 262 00:15:28,485 --> 00:15:29,679 - Finally. - Excuse me. 263 00:15:29,787 --> 00:15:32,450 - Yes. - Did you guys change cooks or something? 264 00:15:32,557 --> 00:15:34,388 Because my husband was here a few years ago, 265 00:15:34,492 --> 00:15:36,392 and he's pretty sure he had a different burger. 266 00:15:36,494 --> 00:15:37,654 Yeah, we get this a lot. 267 00:15:37,762 --> 00:15:39,957 This place is modeled after this other place uptown 268 00:15:40,065 --> 00:15:41,589 with the same green door and "Burger" sign. 269 00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:45,136 - What? Uptown? Where? - 106th and Manhattan Avenue. 270 00:15:48,140 --> 00:15:49,471 (BARNEY SNAPPING FINGERS) 271 00:15:50,309 --> 00:15:51,298 Damn it. 272 00:15:52,178 --> 00:15:55,045 106. A numbered street. Of course. 273 00:15:55,147 --> 00:15:56,239 (CELL PHONE BEEPS) 274 00:15:57,283 --> 00:16:00,081 - Barney Stinson. - Barney, where the hell are you? 275 00:16:00,586 --> 00:16:02,384 I'm sorry, this is... 276 00:16:02,589 --> 00:16:04,113 Regis. I'm at the place. 277 00:16:04,858 --> 00:16:07,725 Regis, of course. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 278 00:16:07,828 --> 00:16:09,420 I forgot to call you. That's not the place. 279 00:16:09,529 --> 00:16:11,588 The real place is on 106th and Manhattan Avenue. 280 00:16:11,698 --> 00:16:14,690 - We're headed there right now. - What? Uptown? 281 00:16:15,569 --> 00:16:16,559 (SHOUTS) 282 00:16:18,740 --> 00:16:23,871 Fine, fine, I'll be there in 20. If you get there first, medium rare... 283 00:16:24,212 --> 00:16:25,770 - Onions? - Onions? 284 00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:28,246 - Okay, no onions. - Stop the cab! 285 00:16:28,349 --> 00:16:30,044 (TIRES SCREECH) 286 00:16:33,122 --> 00:16:35,113 Wait. This is it. 287 00:16:36,125 --> 00:16:40,221 Your search is over! We got girls taking off their clothes! 288 00:16:40,329 --> 00:16:41,728 This is it. 289 00:16:51,674 --> 00:16:54,268 One of 9,000 convenient locations. 290 00:16:59,182 --> 00:17:03,847 It was right here. It was right on this very spot. 291 00:17:03,954 --> 00:17:06,286 I don't understand. Where is the burger place? 292 00:17:06,390 --> 00:17:09,052 It's not a burger place anymore, it's a Goliath National Bank ATM. 293 00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:14,120 - Well, that's fine. Let's just eat here. - We can't eat here. It's an ATM. 294 00:17:14,231 --> 00:17:15,994 But, food. 295 00:17:16,100 --> 00:17:17,192 Ow! Ow! 296 00:17:17,301 --> 00:17:18,269 Hey, what the... 297 00:17:18,370 --> 00:17:20,895 This is your fault, you and your stupid bank. 298 00:17:21,006 --> 00:17:23,531 - You did this. - It's not my... Stop, okay. 299 00:17:23,642 --> 00:17:24,700 Stop it, Lily. 300 00:17:24,810 --> 00:17:30,442 I will never use a Goliath ATM ever again. Goliath National Bank sucks! 301 00:17:30,549 --> 00:17:33,144 It's the worst bank on the face of the earth. 302 00:17:33,252 --> 00:17:37,655 Attention, New Yorkers, this bank sucks! They suck! 303 00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:41,090 - They suck, suck, suck! - Marshall, will you just tell her already? 304 00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:42,752 Tell me what? 305 00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:47,495 - Tell me what? - I got a job. 306 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:51,002 - What? Where? - Goliath National Bank. 307 00:17:51,972 --> 00:17:54,497 That's why Barney's been going on and on about how great Goliath is. 308 00:17:54,608 --> 00:17:58,044 He wanted you to be excited for me, since we're gonna be working there together. 309 00:17:58,145 --> 00:18:02,309 Well, technically not together. You won't have access to my floor. 310 00:18:03,885 --> 00:18:06,080 But you want to be an environmental lawyer. 311 00:18:06,187 --> 00:18:08,553 Yeah, you know, and I also want to be a Harlem Globetrotter 312 00:18:08,656 --> 00:18:10,317 and get paid in candy, but... 313 00:18:10,425 --> 00:18:14,987 In the meantime, I need a job, and this is a really good one. 314 00:18:15,096 --> 00:18:18,532 It's great pay and there's good benefits, 315 00:18:18,633 --> 00:18:23,264 and, to be honest, it gives me a reason to put on pants in the morning. 316 00:18:23,372 --> 00:18:25,203 You know, I have my whole life to save the planet, 317 00:18:25,307 --> 00:18:28,868 but right now, I'm kind of really excited to wear pants again. 318 00:18:28,978 --> 00:18:30,969 You've got great pants. 319 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:33,671 - I love you. - I love you. 320 00:18:34,784 --> 00:18:36,012 Robin, no! 321 00:18:36,119 --> 00:18:37,381 - They're unopened. - Give it. 322 00:18:37,487 --> 00:18:39,614 - They're barbecue. - Give it! 323 00:18:39,723 --> 00:18:43,318 - I'm sorry you didn't get your burger. - It's stupid. 324 00:18:43,426 --> 00:18:46,020 I think about that first week in New York, you know? 325 00:18:46,129 --> 00:18:50,464 I was 22 years old. I had my whole future ahead of me. 326 00:18:50,568 --> 00:18:54,800 I guess I just kind of thought that if I could have that burger one more time 327 00:18:54,906 --> 00:18:56,999 and feel that way for one more night, 328 00:18:57,108 --> 00:19:01,010 that I might be able to check that off the list and grow up, 329 00:19:01,112 --> 00:19:04,240 go work for the stupid bank and just be happy. 330 00:19:05,117 --> 00:19:09,213 You know, that burger place isn't gone. It just moved to a new location. 331 00:19:09,321 --> 00:19:11,789 And I can tell you where that is for 100 bucks. 332 00:19:11,890 --> 00:19:14,120 100 bucks? That's crazy. 333 00:19:16,161 --> 00:19:18,186 - Let's pay the man. - I paid for the cab. 334 00:19:18,297 --> 00:19:21,131 - I don't have any cash. - I haven't worked since March. 335 00:19:21,234 --> 00:19:24,431 Wow, if only there were an easy, convenient way 336 00:19:24,537 --> 00:19:26,767 to get some cash right now. 337 00:19:35,849 --> 00:19:37,339 Member, FDIC. 338 00:19:38,786 --> 00:19:41,812 OLDER TED: So we paid the guy, and 20 minutes later... 339 00:19:41,922 --> 00:19:42,980 Thank you. 340 00:19:43,090 --> 00:19:46,218 All right, Marshall, remember, it might not taste as good. 341 00:19:46,327 --> 00:19:49,160 This place has changed, you've changed, New York has changed. 342 00:19:49,263 --> 00:19:52,233 Just don't get your hopes up too high, okay? 343 00:20:02,611 --> 00:20:04,875 - This is it. - Yes! 344 00:20:04,980 --> 00:20:08,917 It's exactly the same. It's the best burger in New York. 345 00:20:09,018 --> 00:20:10,918 Go ahead, eat up, eat up. 346 00:20:11,020 --> 00:20:13,420 OLDER TED: And so, after finally tasting again 347 00:20:13,522 --> 00:20:15,990 the burger he'd craved for so many years, 348 00:20:16,092 --> 00:20:20,893 Marshall got up the next morning, put on some pants and went to work. 349 00:20:20,997 --> 00:20:22,898 And he never looked back. 350 00:20:25,235 --> 00:20:26,566 (MOANING) 351 00:20:26,670 --> 00:20:29,366 I want to get tiny fitted sheets for this burger 352 00:20:29,473 --> 00:20:34,308 and just crawl into this bun, get all cozy and die there. 353 00:20:34,411 --> 00:20:38,405 Oh, my God. I just want you inside of me. 354 00:20:39,717 --> 00:20:42,083 This feels so good. 355 00:20:42,186 --> 00:20:44,950 I'm worried I'm gonna get this burger pregnant. 356 00:20:45,056 --> 00:20:50,016 If he does get that burger pregnant, I have dibs on the delicious burger babies. 357 00:20:52,196 --> 00:20:53,186 This isn't it. 358 00:20:53,298 --> 00:20:55,630 - What? - No, Regis Philbin! 359 00:20:55,734 --> 00:20:56,792 - That's outrageous. - Come on. 360 00:20:56,902 --> 00:20:58,767 That is unbelievable! 361 00:21:00,005 --> 00:21:02,633 Wait. This is it! Yes! 362 00:21:02,741 --> 00:21:03,708 (ALL CHEERING) 363 00:21:03,842 --> 00:21:06,333 - I knew I was getting it, Regis Philbin! - Bring it!