1
00:00:01,791 --> 00:00:03,281
<i>OLDER TED: Kids,
the day you get married</i>

2
00:00:03,392 --> 00:00:05,690
<i>is supposed to be
the happiest day of your life.</i>

3
00:00:05,795 --> 00:00:08,594
<i>The perfect ending to a perfect love story.</i>

4
00:00:08,699 --> 00:00:12,260
<i>My wedding, at least my first wedding,
didn't go so well.</i>

5
00:00:14,438 --> 00:00:17,101
<i>Say that I'm changed</i>

6
00:00:17,208 --> 00:00:19,005
<i>Say I'm different</i>

7
00:00:19,110 --> 00:00:23,308
<i>Maybe I finally understand</i>

8
00:00:23,882 --> 00:00:25,782
<i>Say I've let go</i>

9
00:00:26,352 --> 00:00:31,654
It's funny, looking back on it now.
I was so sure Stella was the one.

10
00:00:31,757 --> 00:00:34,988
And when she left me,
I was so devastated.

11
00:00:35,094 --> 00:00:39,259
But you guys got me through it.
And now the painful part's over.

12
00:00:39,366 --> 00:00:42,733
I've come out the other side
a little bit stronger.

13
00:00:42,836 --> 00:00:46,295
You know, I hardly
even think about her anymore.

14
00:00:46,407 --> 00:00:48,705
That's what time does, I guess.

15
00:00:51,712 --> 00:00:56,082
Ted, the wedding was yesterday.
It's been 24 hours.

16
00:00:56,184 --> 00:00:59,551
I know. And this is me moving on.

17
00:00:59,655 --> 00:01:03,216
A great new chapter of my life
began today, and we're gonna celebrate.

18
00:01:03,325 --> 00:01:07,922
Right now, we need two things.
We need Kool and we need the Gang.

19
00:01:08,031 --> 00:01:09,862
It's jukebox time, huh?

20
00:01:09,966 --> 00:01:10,933
(EX CLAIMS)

21
00:01:12,769 --> 00:01:14,135
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

22
00:01:14,238 --> 00:01:15,569
I look at that young man

23
00:01:15,673 --> 00:01:18,972
popping and locking his way
over to the jukebox

24
00:01:19,076 --> 00:01:23,536
and I think to myself, "You know,
maybe Stella made the right call."

25
00:01:24,516 --> 00:01:25,483
Ow! Pain.

26
00:01:25,583 --> 00:01:27,414
What? How is he dancing right now?

27
00:01:27,519 --> 00:01:31,114
He should be smashing up Stella's car
with a sledgehammer.

28
00:01:31,589 --> 00:01:35,253
Hypothetical.
Ted isn't pretending to be happy.

29
00:01:35,361 --> 00:01:38,728
Ted really is happy. He never wanted
to get married in the first place.

30
00:01:38,831 --> 00:01:43,394
<i>Ted just pulled off the greatest
train dodge since Stand by Me.</i>

31
00:01:43,503 --> 00:01:46,404
Well, not the first kid, but the other kids.

32
00:01:47,140 --> 00:01:49,700
No, he is in bad shape.

33
00:01:50,544 --> 00:01:51,875
What's up?

34
00:01:52,947 --> 00:01:57,043
Really bad shape.
And we need to be there for him.

35
00:01:57,618 --> 00:02:00,212
<i>OLDER TED: But as much as my friends
really wanted to be there for me,</i>

36
00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:03,052
<i>I was, by all appearances, fine.</i>

37
00:02:03,158 --> 00:02:05,353
- Hey, buddy.
- Want to hang out?

38
00:02:05,461 --> 00:02:07,656
Guys, I'm fine.

39
00:02:09,598 --> 00:02:12,693
- Hey, pal, you want to have a catch?
- I'm fine.

40
00:02:16,473 --> 00:02:20,136
- Hey, kiddo.
- (SIGHS) Barney, I'm fine.

41
00:02:20,243 --> 00:02:23,771
This is not necessary,
and it's actually kind of weird.

42
00:02:23,881 --> 00:02:27,840
- No offense, ladies.
- I did not realize you'd be home.

43
00:02:28,786 --> 00:02:30,413
Ladies, to the stairwell.

44
00:02:30,437 --> 00:02:36,437
ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA
PSArips.com

45
00:02:44,604 --> 00:02:47,835
<i>OLDER TED: Finally, after two weeks,
the inevitable emotions boiled over.</i>

46
00:02:47,940 --> 00:02:50,933
- Hey, you guys want to get some dinner?
- Oh, shut up.

47
00:02:51,612 --> 00:02:53,045
I'm sorry, sweetie.

48
00:02:53,147 --> 00:02:56,275
It's just, Ted, you've been through
something traumatic,

49
00:02:56,383 --> 00:02:59,784
and we're trying to be there for you
as friends, but you're not letting us,

50
00:02:59,888 --> 00:03:04,291
and it's pissing us off,
you selfish bitch. Sorry.

51
00:03:04,392 --> 00:03:07,156
Look, we're just worried that you're not
dealing with this whole Stella thing.

52
00:03:07,262 --> 00:03:09,230
Okay, now, do you remember
when Lily left me?

53
00:03:09,330 --> 00:03:11,231
You remember how I held in my feelings?

54
00:03:11,734 --> 00:03:16,398
(CRYING) I miss her so much.

55
00:03:18,174 --> 00:03:20,234
Yeah, dude, you were a rock.

56
00:03:20,343 --> 00:03:23,278
Well, I should have been even worse,
okay? I should have gotten mad.

57
00:03:23,380 --> 00:03:26,008
I should have taken your advice
and set all of Lily's stuff on fire.

58
00:03:26,116 --> 00:03:27,981
Oh. Nice. Thanks, Ted.

59
00:03:28,285 --> 00:03:31,119
But I didn't, and I think that that's why
it took me so long to get better.

60
00:03:31,222 --> 00:03:34,953
So, now, Ted, I want you to explode.

61
00:03:35,093 --> 00:03:37,994
Release the berserker. Okay, you ready?

62
00:03:40,232 --> 00:03:41,256
Now!

63
00:03:41,967 --> 00:03:43,764
- I'm good.
- LILY: No.

64
00:03:43,869 --> 00:03:46,360
Guys, get off his back. He's happy.

65
00:03:46,472 --> 00:03:48,441
Listen, if Ted were married right now,

66
00:03:48,541 --> 00:03:51,738
he'd be married,
he'd be living in New Jersey,

67
00:03:51,845 --> 00:03:54,905
and he'd be married.

68
00:03:55,014 --> 00:03:57,882
He's fine. Now, let's eat.
How about Flat Michael's?

69
00:03:57,985 --> 00:03:59,782
No, that's 44th and Lex. Can't do it.

70
00:03:59,887 --> 00:04:01,582
- Why not?
- It's too close to Stella's gym.

71
00:04:01,689 --> 00:04:03,748
Might run into her. Anywhere else, though.

72
00:04:03,858 --> 00:04:05,382
Okay, how about Hurley's?

73
00:04:05,493 --> 00:04:06,482
(ALL EX CLAIMING)

74
00:04:06,594 --> 00:04:10,122
Right between Stella's office
and her dry cleaners. No, sir.

75
00:04:10,232 --> 00:04:12,200
Well, what about Meatloaf Charlie's?

76
00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:14,495
Two blocks
from Stella's mother's hairdressers.

77
00:04:14,603 --> 00:04:17,937
Well, jeez, Ted, is there anywhere
in Manhattan we can go to dinner?

78
00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:21,669
(LAUGHS) Of course. Check this out.

79
00:04:23,546 --> 00:04:26,778
- What you got there, Ted?
- A little reference map I made for myself.

80
00:04:26,884 --> 00:04:29,978
A New York guide to places
you might run into Stella Zinman.

81
00:04:30,087 --> 00:04:34,421
Red areas are places to avoid.
White areas are safe. Blue is water.

82
00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:37,859
- That is just ridiculous.
- Well, water is blue.

83
00:04:38,096 --> 00:04:39,654
You can't live that way.

84
00:04:39,764 --> 00:04:42,358
She leaves you at the altar
and you're the one avoiding her?

85
00:04:42,467 --> 00:04:43,991
Yes, I'm avoiding her.

86
00:04:44,102 --> 00:04:45,866
What's the big deal? That's how we do it.

87
00:04:45,971 --> 00:04:47,563
Who's "we"? Gutless weenies?

88
00:04:47,673 --> 00:04:51,905
No, "we" is people
from the great state of Ohio.

89
00:04:52,011 --> 00:04:56,381
When life gives us pain, we Buckeyes
take that pain and we push it down.

90
00:04:56,850 --> 00:05:00,786
And if the pain starts to come up again,
we push more pain down on top of it.

91
00:05:00,887 --> 00:05:03,185
Why confront something
when you can avoid it, right?

92
00:05:03,290 --> 00:05:07,921
All I have to do is never see Stella again,
and I'll live a long, happy life.

93
00:05:08,095 --> 00:05:09,289
Now, who wants to get something to eat?

94
00:05:09,397 --> 00:05:12,958
Oh. Somebody just told me about
a tapas place that's in the white zone.

95
00:05:13,067 --> 00:05:14,660
Great. Let's go there.

96
00:05:16,405 --> 00:05:18,373
- You ready to order?
- Not quite yet.

97
00:05:18,473 --> 00:05:20,600
(EX CLAIMS) Can we get some of
those almonds for the table?

98
00:05:20,709 --> 00:05:22,006
Certainly.

99
00:05:22,477 --> 00:05:25,072
Nice call, Lily. This place looks great.

100
00:05:25,181 --> 00:05:28,446
- Who told you about it?
- You know, I don't remember.

101
00:05:29,852 --> 00:05:30,819
Uh-oh.

102
00:05:30,954 --> 00:05:33,821
- What?
- (NERVOUSLY) I just remembered.

103
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:46,893
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Okay, okay, just be cool.

104
00:05:47,005 --> 00:05:51,499
We're just gonna have to deal with this.
Everyone, follow my lead.

105
00:05:54,547 --> 00:05:56,242
- Oh, you're kidding.
- Is he serious?

106
00:05:56,349 --> 00:06:01,184
I am not getting under this table.
I'd maybe get under that table.

107
00:06:01,887 --> 00:06:03,788
She's turning around.

108
00:06:08,996 --> 00:06:10,861
(WHISPERING) Think, think, think.

109
00:06:10,964 --> 00:06:13,798
Everyone, just stay here.
I'm gonna go take a look.

110
00:06:13,901 --> 00:06:15,869
Marshall, go take a look.

111
00:06:21,743 --> 00:06:25,942
- And will you need utensils?
- No, I'm just going straight home.

112
00:06:27,783 --> 00:06:29,410
She's placing an order to go.

113
00:06:29,518 --> 00:06:31,680
Did she seem happy?
Did she say anything about me?

114
00:06:31,788 --> 00:06:34,621
I don't care. I don't even care.
Where are those almonds?

115
00:06:34,724 --> 00:06:36,214
Gosh, where would Ted's nuts be?

116
00:06:36,326 --> 00:06:39,557
Hey, why don't you check
the vise in Stella's garage?

117
00:06:39,663 --> 00:06:40,687
Go yell at her.

118
00:06:40,797 --> 00:06:43,892
Ted, you may be from Ohio,
but you live in New York now.

119
00:06:44,001 --> 00:06:46,060
We don't push down
our feelings in New York.

120
00:06:46,170 --> 00:06:49,162
We take our feelings and
we shove them in somebody else's face!

121
00:06:49,273 --> 00:06:50,570
Spare me, Lily.

122
00:06:50,675 --> 00:06:52,701
You'd be doing the same thing
if you were in this situation.

123
00:06:52,811 --> 00:06:53,835
That's outrageous.

124
00:06:53,945 --> 00:06:57,506
There is not a person on Earth
I would hide under a table from.

125
00:06:57,616 --> 00:07:02,452
Really, not a single person?
Not even Gasser?

126
00:07:02,822 --> 00:07:06,849
- How dare you mention that name to me.
- Who's Gasser?

127
00:07:06,959 --> 00:07:10,396
He's the last person I'd want to see
walk through that door.

128
00:07:10,497 --> 00:07:13,625
Michael Sasser.
He's a guy I went to high school with.

129
00:07:14,268 --> 00:07:16,964
<i>LIL Y: Michael sat next to me
in freshman biology.</i>

130
00:07:17,071 --> 00:07:19,733
<i>He had been a bit of a loser
all through middle school.</i>

131
00:07:19,841 --> 00:07:21,433
<i>But the summer before ninth grade,</i>

132
00:07:21,543 --> 00:07:24,307
<i>he grew 12 inches
and joined the baseball team.</i>

133
00:07:24,412 --> 00:07:27,813
<i>He was right on the precipice
of becoming one of the cool kids.</i>

134
00:07:27,916 --> 00:07:29,247
<i>Until one day...</i>

135
00:07:29,351 --> 00:07:30,319
(FARTING)

136
00:07:31,487 --> 00:07:36,083
Lily, we've all been there.
When you've ripped one, it's not pretty.

137
00:07:36,192 --> 00:07:37,489
What did you do?

138
00:07:37,593 --> 00:07:42,554
Are you kidding? This was ninth grade.
I only had one choice.

139
00:07:43,100 --> 00:07:46,365
Oh, my God, Sasser. Fart much?

140
00:07:46,470 --> 00:07:47,459
(CHUCKLES)

141
00:07:47,571 --> 00:07:51,474
- No, it wasn't me. It was her.
- Oh! As if, Sasser.

142
00:07:51,642 --> 00:07:53,234
More like Gasser.

143
00:07:53,811 --> 00:07:56,473
- Gasser! Gasser! Gasser!
- Gasser! Gasser! Gasser!

144
00:07:56,581 --> 00:07:57,843
- No.
- Gasser! Gasser! Gasser! Gasser!

145
00:07:57,949 --> 00:08:00,976
I'm on the baseball team. I'm cool.

146
00:08:01,086 --> 00:08:02,246
Gasser! Gasser!

147
00:08:02,755 --> 00:08:04,780
The nickname Gasser stuck.

148
00:08:04,890 --> 00:08:07,825
He got teased so much,
eventually he had to change schools.

149
00:08:07,927 --> 00:08:12,330
- (LAUGHS) Kids are awesome.
- I've always felt awful about that.

150
00:08:12,432 --> 00:08:16,596
But if Gasser... Michael
walked in right now,

151
00:08:16,703 --> 00:08:20,196
as hard as it would be,
I would go up to Gasser... Michael

152
00:08:20,307 --> 00:08:22,002
and I would resolve things between us.

153
00:08:22,109 --> 00:08:24,304
Right, clear the air, as it were.

154
00:08:24,412 --> 00:08:26,107
(LAUGHING) Oh, man.

155
00:08:26,213 --> 00:08:29,706
Those don't come around often.
Y'all are welcome.

156
00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:33,582
- Hey, are you guys okay?
- Oh. Yeah.

157
00:08:33,688 --> 00:08:35,212
We're just gonna be eating down here
if that's okay.

158
00:08:35,323 --> 00:08:36,951
- What?
- Well, here's your almonds.

159
00:08:37,059 --> 00:08:38,026
Oh. Thanks.

160
00:08:38,127 --> 00:08:41,187
- You guys have any specials tonight?
- Ted, this is ludicrous.

161
00:08:41,297 --> 00:08:44,562
Ted, I am a person who...
Well, let's just face it.

162
00:08:44,667 --> 00:08:46,863
There are a lot of people
I don't want to see,

163
00:08:46,970 --> 00:08:49,598
people of the chicks-l-banged persuasion.

164
00:08:49,706 --> 00:08:52,231
But if any of them were to walk in here,
I would stand up

165
00:08:52,342 --> 00:08:56,712
and I would look them right in the eye.
Some of them for the very first time.

166
00:08:57,348 --> 00:08:59,213
Really, you wouldn't hide from anyone?

167
00:08:59,317 --> 00:09:00,306
Uh-uh.

168
00:09:00,418 --> 00:09:05,446
- Not even, say, Becca DeLucci?
- You son of a bitch.

169
00:09:05,657 --> 00:09:08,684
- Who's Becca DeLucci?
- Do you mind?

170
00:09:12,498 --> 00:09:13,897
So, who is Becca DeLucci?

171
00:09:13,999 --> 00:09:17,401
Becca is just this girl who lives upstate.
I used to visit her now and again.

172
00:09:17,504 --> 00:09:20,439
Mmm-hmm.
Where exactly upstate, Barney?

173
00:09:21,775 --> 00:09:23,675
Bedford Hills Federal Penitentiary.

174
00:09:24,244 --> 00:09:27,908
<i>BARNEY: And yes, the visits
were of a conjugal nature.</i>

175
00:09:28,015 --> 00:09:29,004
(ALL GROANING)

176
00:09:29,116 --> 00:09:32,313
- No. No way, really?
- Really.

177
00:09:32,420 --> 00:09:35,720
And what I had with Becca
was a perfect relationship.

178
00:09:35,824 --> 00:09:39,487
She was only allowed, by law,
to call me once a week.

179
00:09:39,595 --> 00:09:42,928
If she ever got clingy,
the armed guards stopped her.

180
00:09:43,031 --> 00:09:46,934
And I never had to pay for dinner.
Well, that's not true. I pay taxes.

181
00:09:47,036 --> 00:09:49,402
Then again, I guess we all paid for dinner.
Thanks a lot, guys.

182
00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:53,306
Anyway, the last time I visited,
I kind of screwed things up.

183
00:09:53,878 --> 00:09:55,546
I know it's hard, baby,
but I'm in a prison, too.

184
00:09:55,546 --> 00:09:58,447
I know it's hard, baby,
but I'm in a prison, too.

185
00:09:58,549 --> 00:10:00,517
A prison of my own heart.

186
00:10:01,385 --> 00:10:04,753
Is that room ready yet or what?
Can we... Tick-tock.

187
00:10:05,957 --> 00:10:08,551
Barney, you're the only thing
that's keeping me going here.

188
00:10:08,660 --> 00:10:11,788
That's what I'm here for, baby.
I'm your rock.

189
00:10:11,930 --> 00:10:14,399
I'm... Oh, my God. Hello, strange.

190
00:10:19,071 --> 00:10:23,133
Hi, Barney Stinson, attorney at law.
Let's talk about getting you off.

191
00:10:23,243 --> 00:10:24,676
BECCA: Oh, hell, no!

192
00:10:24,778 --> 00:10:25,802
(GROANING)

193
00:10:26,780 --> 00:10:27,747
Whoa!

194
00:10:27,915 --> 00:10:29,644
(BOTH SCREAMING)

195
00:10:30,717 --> 00:10:31,809
Ooh.

196
00:10:36,858 --> 00:10:39,383
Now I get letters from Becca and she's all,

197
00:10:39,494 --> 00:10:41,826
"I'm coming to get you
the day I get out of here.

198
00:10:41,930 --> 00:10:45,162
"I'm gonna hang your eyes
from my rearview mirror."

199
00:10:45,968 --> 00:10:46,957
Women, huh?

200
00:10:47,069 --> 00:10:48,093
(LAUGHS)

201
00:10:48,203 --> 00:10:51,468
See? You're scared of Becca.
Lily's scared of Gasser.

202
00:10:51,575 --> 00:10:53,770
We're staying under the table.

203
00:10:56,413 --> 00:10:59,905
- We don't have to. Stella's gone.
- Oh, my gosh.

204
00:11:00,417 --> 00:11:01,385
(SIGHS)

205
00:11:01,819 --> 00:11:07,348
(CHUCKLES) There, all done,
and that's how we do it Ohio-style.

206
00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:09,824
Problem showed up. We avoided it.
It went away.

207
00:11:09,927 --> 00:11:11,452
Now we can enjoy our meal in peace...

208
00:11:11,563 --> 00:11:12,530
She's back.

209
00:11:18,036 --> 00:11:21,768
Ted, we all think that you need...
Wait, where's Barney?

210
00:11:27,380 --> 00:11:30,612
Ted, we all think
that you need to go talk to her.

211
00:11:30,718 --> 00:11:31,742
- I don't.
- What?

212
00:11:31,852 --> 00:11:33,979
Yeah, if the last person I wanted to see
walked through the door,

213
00:11:34,088 --> 00:11:35,248
I wouldn't say a damn word.

214
00:11:35,356 --> 00:11:36,914
- Really?
- And who's that?

215
00:11:37,024 --> 00:11:38,355
My father.

216
00:11:38,959 --> 00:11:41,895
You guys, that other table is off the hook.

217
00:11:41,997 --> 00:11:43,794
- What are we talking about?
- Robin's dad.

218
00:11:43,898 --> 00:11:45,195
I haven't spoken to him in three years

219
00:11:45,300 --> 00:11:47,393
- and I don't intend to start now.
- Why?

220
00:11:48,203 --> 00:11:50,195
<i>ROBIN: It goes back
to the day I was born.</i>

221
00:11:50,306 --> 00:11:52,467
You give me my son now. Push.

222
00:11:53,109 --> 00:11:54,406
(BABY CRYING)

223
00:11:54,510 --> 00:11:55,477
Oh, no.

224
00:11:57,246 --> 00:11:58,406
Oh, no.

225
00:11:59,016 --> 00:12:02,315
He wanted a son and the fact
that I was a girl didn't change his plan.

226
00:12:02,419 --> 00:12:04,182
What do you mean?

227
00:12:04,287 --> 00:12:07,654
(SIGHS) My full legal name is
Robin Charles Scherbatsky, Jr.

228
00:12:09,293 --> 00:12:10,783
And it only gets worse from there.

229
00:12:11,396 --> 00:12:14,524
<i>ROBIN: When I was eight,
he took me hunting for the first time.</i>

230
00:12:14,632 --> 00:12:17,795
- I don't want to shoot a deer.
- Nonsense, R.J.

231
00:12:17,902 --> 00:12:22,101
- Shooting deer is the noblest of pursuits.
- But they're cute.

232
00:12:22,207 --> 00:12:26,974
You said the same thing about our rabbits.
Remember how delicious they were?

233
00:12:27,813 --> 00:12:31,181
- Over the years, as my body developed...
- Hold on a sec.

234
00:12:32,318 --> 00:12:33,751
Sorry, go on.

235
00:12:34,554 --> 00:12:37,649
It became harder and harder for him
to pretend I was a boy.

236
00:12:38,225 --> 00:12:40,420
<i>ROBIN: The lowest moment came
when I turned 14.</i>

237
00:12:40,528 --> 00:12:43,190
<i>My peewee hockey team
had just won the Squamish invitational</i>

238
00:12:43,297 --> 00:12:45,265
<i>and everyone came back
to my house to celebrate.</i>

239
00:12:45,366 --> 00:12:49,030
You lads availed yourself splendidly
out there on the ice.

240
00:12:49,171 --> 00:12:51,935
Splendidly. You go on outside.

241
00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:56,409
I'll come back with an assortment
of soft drinks and American pretzels.

242
00:12:56,511 --> 00:12:57,877
(ALL EX CLAIMING)

243
00:12:59,782 --> 00:13:02,080
Hey, I can't believe you missed
that last empty-netter, you hoser.

244
00:13:02,185 --> 00:13:05,177
- You're the hoser.
- No, you're the hoser.

245
00:13:10,494 --> 00:13:11,461
(GASPS)

246
00:13:12,496 --> 00:13:14,191
What are you doing?

247
00:13:14,798 --> 00:13:17,734
You're teammates, hockey players.

248
00:13:18,703 --> 00:13:23,504
Teammates don't kiss!
Hockey players don't kiss!

249
00:13:25,745 --> 00:13:27,076
Oh, my God.

250
00:13:28,314 --> 00:13:29,781
I have no son.

251
00:13:33,285 --> 00:13:35,618
You poor thing.

252
00:13:35,722 --> 00:13:40,182
To have to grow up in Canada
with America right there.

253
00:13:40,293 --> 00:13:45,630
That sucks about your dad, Robin,
but congratulations on that game.

254
00:13:46,934 --> 00:13:49,232
And Kyle and I
weren't even doing anything serious.

255
00:13:49,337 --> 00:13:51,828
- We only went to the blue line.
- The blue line?

256
00:13:51,939 --> 00:13:54,932
Yeah, you know how when you're a kid,
you put everything into hockey terms?

257
00:13:55,043 --> 00:13:57,238
The blue line is kissing,
the red line is getting naked,

258
00:13:57,346 --> 00:14:00,577
and I think "in the crease"
speaks for itself.

259
00:14:00,682 --> 00:14:04,312
Anyway, after that, my relationship
with my dad pretty much went north.

260
00:14:04,420 --> 00:14:06,650
I moved in with my mom,
grew my hair out,

261
00:14:06,756 --> 00:14:10,317
became a Canadian pop star.
You know, normal teen stuff.

262
00:14:10,426 --> 00:14:13,589
Don't you think it would feel better
to talk to him about all this?

263
00:14:13,696 --> 00:14:16,632
No, that's the point.
It wouldn't solve anything.

264
00:14:16,734 --> 00:14:20,864
It's in the past. It's done.
I mean, what would I even say to him?

265
00:14:20,971 --> 00:14:22,905
"I wish you hadn't raised me as a boy?

266
00:14:23,007 --> 00:14:25,374
"I wish you hadn't taught me how to hunt

267
00:14:25,477 --> 00:14:27,809
"and fish and smoke cigars
and drink Scotch

268
00:14:27,913 --> 00:14:29,710
"because that's not what girls do.

269
00:14:29,815 --> 00:14:31,612
"And you know,
the reason I throw like a girl, Dad,

270
00:14:31,716 --> 00:14:33,651
"is because I am a girl."

271
00:14:34,453 --> 00:14:35,420
(SIGHS)

272
00:14:36,923 --> 00:14:39,721
You've held on to that
for a long time, huh?

273
00:14:39,826 --> 00:14:40,884
Yeah.

274
00:14:41,627 --> 00:14:43,562
It really messed you up.

275
00:14:44,431 --> 00:14:45,420
Yeah.

276
00:14:45,532 --> 00:14:46,556
- That sucks.
- I'm sorry.

277
00:14:46,667 --> 00:14:47,998
That's hot.

278
00:14:49,469 --> 00:14:51,300
<i>OLDER TED: And then I realized...</i>

279
00:14:53,541 --> 00:14:55,873
<i>All of my friends were haunted,</i>

280
00:14:55,977 --> 00:14:59,378
<i>but there was a difference
between my ghost and theirs.</i>

281
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,471
<i>It wasn't too late for me.</i>

282
00:15:02,551 --> 00:15:04,644
- I'm gonna go talk to her.
- All right, bud.

283
00:15:04,753 --> 00:15:05,720
(SIGHS)

284
00:15:09,925 --> 00:15:13,919
- She's gone. I'm going after her.
- Go, go.

285
00:15:16,066 --> 00:15:18,796
There she goes! Taxi!

286
00:15:24,976 --> 00:15:26,534
Okay, I see her.
She's two cabs ahead on the right.

287
00:15:26,644 --> 00:15:27,872
Just stay with her, okay?

288
00:15:27,979 --> 00:15:31,143
Finally. Finally, you're doing this.
You're gonna confront her.

289
00:15:31,250 --> 00:15:33,309
- Yes, I am gonna confront her.
- Yeah.

290
00:15:33,418 --> 00:15:34,851
- This is so exciting.
- Totally.

291
00:15:34,953 --> 00:15:35,977
What are you going to say?

292
00:15:36,088 --> 00:15:40,458
I'm gonna say, "Stella,
I'm sorry things didn't work out."

293
00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:42,653
- No!
- Yes.

294
00:15:42,762 --> 00:15:44,389
We're going to talk about this like adults.

295
00:15:44,497 --> 00:15:48,263
She can tell me her side
and I'm going to listen.

296
00:15:48,368 --> 00:15:50,303
Probably should have done
a little more of that before.

297
00:15:50,404 --> 00:15:52,065
Driver, can you run us
into the nearest lamppost?

298
00:15:52,172 --> 00:15:53,764
Everyone, buckle up. Not you, Ted.

299
00:15:53,874 --> 00:15:58,868
Ted, Ted, you gotta get mad right now.
Come on. Dig deep.

300
00:15:58,979 --> 00:16:01,005
Dude, come on.
This isn't about me waving my arms,

301
00:16:01,116 --> 00:16:02,743
stamping my feet, and getting really mad.

302
00:16:02,851 --> 00:16:05,649
This is about Stella and I
finally communicating.

303
00:16:05,754 --> 00:16:08,587
<i>- I mean, clearly, that was...
- Stella hated Star Wars.</i>

304
00:16:08,690 --> 00:16:09,953
She lied to you.

305
00:16:10,059 --> 00:16:12,823
Search your feelings, Ted.
You know it to be true.

306
00:16:14,096 --> 00:16:18,192
- Well, that's her business.
- Come on, Ted. She left you at the altar.

307
00:16:18,401 --> 00:16:21,269
- I don't understand!
- Ted, in the name of all that is sacred...

308
00:16:21,371 --> 00:16:22,804
Wait, wait, wait!

309
00:16:22,906 --> 00:16:25,670
Where is she going? Her cab just missed
the turn for the Lincoln Tunnel.

310
00:16:25,776 --> 00:16:27,368
Why would anybody buy takeout food

311
00:16:27,477 --> 00:16:29,571
and bring it all the way back
to New Jersey anyway?

312
00:16:29,681 --> 00:16:32,241
- Maybe she's going to her office.
- No.

313
00:16:32,917 --> 00:16:35,147
<i>The waiter asked her,
"And will you need utensils?"</i>

314
00:16:35,253 --> 00:16:37,244
<i>And then she said,
"No, I'm just going straight home."</i>

315
00:16:37,755 --> 00:16:40,850
But if she's going home,
why are we still heading...

316
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:42,291
Oh, my God.

317
00:16:43,329 --> 00:16:48,165
Tony lives downtown.
Home is Tony's apartment.

318
00:16:48,268 --> 00:16:50,828
She was gonna make me
move to New Jersey,

319
00:16:50,937 --> 00:16:53,906
and then she moves into the city
with Tony?

320
00:16:54,975 --> 00:16:58,537
- Son of a bitch!
- Finally. Finally, buddy.

321
00:16:58,646 --> 00:17:01,513
- I am so angry right now!
- I know, and I love it!

322
00:17:01,615 --> 00:17:03,105
(SHOUTING)

323
00:17:03,651 --> 00:17:05,380
Yeah, that is awesome!

324
00:17:05,486 --> 00:17:08,945
Sir, we'd be happy to cover
the cost of that window crank.

325
00:17:09,091 --> 00:17:11,787
- I love angry Ted!
- So do I!

326
00:17:11,893 --> 00:17:13,190
(ALL CHEERING)

327
00:17:13,295 --> 00:17:16,788
- Let it out, baby. Let it out.
- She's stopping.

328
00:17:16,899 --> 00:17:19,800
- It is on. It is on!
- Yes, Ted.

329
00:17:19,902 --> 00:17:22,496
- Go get her, buddy!
- Go get rid of your demons!

330
00:17:22,605 --> 00:17:23,663
My leg is asleep!

331
00:17:23,773 --> 00:17:26,173
- Okay, wait, wait, wait. Wait, hold on.
- Lily, what are you doing?

332
00:17:26,276 --> 00:17:28,574
No, no, no. This is all right, hold on.

333
00:17:28,679 --> 00:17:32,046
Look, Ted, it's great
that you're angry right now...

334
00:17:32,149 --> 00:17:34,174
- It sure is.
- Yes.

335
00:17:34,284 --> 00:17:38,585
And that you're finally dealing with this,
but you only get one shot here.

336
00:17:38,690 --> 00:17:43,286
Let's just take a beat
and think about what you're gonna say.

337
00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:46,832
I know exactly what I'm gonna say.
Yeah.

338
00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:58,077
You picked the wrong guy.

339
00:17:59,046 --> 00:18:00,070
Ted.

340
00:18:01,014 --> 00:18:02,982
You picked the wrong guy.

341
00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:09,713
You made a really, really,
really bad choice.

342
00:18:11,359 --> 00:18:16,229
What were you thinking? That guy?
Are you kidding me?

343
00:18:16,331 --> 00:18:19,459
Have you learned nothing
in the last eight years?

344
00:18:19,568 --> 00:18:21,661
You're just gonna regret this.
You know that, right?

345
00:18:21,770 --> 00:18:23,397
You are going to regret this,

346
00:18:23,505 --> 00:18:25,201
and now
there is nothing you can do about it

347
00:18:25,308 --> 00:18:27,139
because it's too late.

348
00:18:27,977 --> 00:18:33,438
All you can do now is go up there
and start your crappy, disappointing life

349
00:18:33,550 --> 00:18:38,045
that will never be nearly as happy
as the one you could have had with me.

350
00:18:39,323 --> 00:18:40,654
Goodbye.

351
00:18:40,758 --> 00:18:42,123
- Ted, wait.
- Look, Stella,

352
00:18:42,226 --> 00:18:44,957
I am not here to win you back.

353
00:18:45,063 --> 00:18:48,328
I am here because I need to know
that you know

354
00:18:49,568 --> 00:18:53,403
- you made the biggest mistake of your life.
- I know.

355
00:18:57,243 --> 00:18:58,301
Good.

356
00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:02,908
That's what I'm gonna say.

357
00:19:03,016 --> 00:19:04,040
(ALL EX CLAIMING)

358
00:19:04,151 --> 00:19:05,914
- Cold-blooded.
- Yeah, that's good.

359
00:19:06,019 --> 00:19:07,384
Go say that.

360
00:19:10,390 --> 00:19:11,516
STELLA: Thanks.

361
00:19:11,959 --> 00:19:14,827
<i>OLDER TED: So I got out of the cab,
ready to say all of that stuff,</i>

362
00:19:14,929 --> 00:19:17,295
<i>ready to explode, but then...</i>

363
00:19:17,398 --> 00:19:19,525
- Mommy!
- STELLA: Hey.

364
00:19:20,835 --> 00:19:22,360
STELLA: Hi, sweetie.
TONY: Me first. Me first.

365
00:19:22,471 --> 00:19:23,460
(STELLA LAUGHING)

366
00:19:23,572 --> 00:19:25,437
<i>OLDER TED: It all just went away.</i>

367
00:19:30,146 --> 00:19:33,514
<i>And that was it.
In that moment, I wasn't angry anymore.</i>

368
00:19:34,751 --> 00:19:36,853
<i>I could see Stella
was meant to be with Tony.</i>

369
00:19:36,853 --> 00:19:37,342
<i>I could see Stella
was meant to be with Tony.</i>

370
00:19:38,388 --> 00:19:41,153
<i>Kids, you may think your only choices
are to swallow your anger</i>

371
00:19:41,259 --> 00:19:43,352
<i>or throw it in someone's face.</i>

372
00:19:43,461 --> 00:19:47,056
<i>But there's a third option,
you can just let it go.</i>

373
00:19:47,165 --> 00:19:48,996
<i>And only when you do that
is it really gone,</i>

374
00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:50,966
<i>and you can move forward.</i>

375
00:19:51,069 --> 00:19:55,335
<i>And that, kids, was the perfect ending
to a perfect love story.</i>

376
00:19:55,440 --> 00:20:00,207
<i>It just wasn't mine.
Mine was still out there waiting for me.</i>

