1
00:00:01,682 --> 00:00:04,776
I am not impressed
with the talent in here tonight.

2
00:00:04,886 --> 00:00:07,377
And the more I drink,
the less attractive they get.

3
00:00:07,488 --> 00:00:11,219
<i>I'm one Scotch and soda away
from the cantina scene in Star Wars.</i>

4
00:00:11,325 --> 00:00:13,521
What about those girls over there?
They're hot.

5
00:00:13,629 --> 00:00:15,256
- They're not hot.
- Are you kidding?

6
00:00:15,364 --> 00:00:18,891
I hated their guts the second I saw them.
Which means they're hot.

7
00:00:19,001 --> 00:00:22,960
In fact, I hated them almost as much as
I hated Robin when I first met her.

8
00:00:23,071 --> 00:00:24,971
- You hated me?
- A lot.

9
00:00:25,073 --> 00:00:27,007
Aw.

10
00:00:27,142 --> 00:00:29,110
Barney, they're hot.

11
00:00:29,444 --> 00:00:31,912
Oh, there is so much to teach you all.

12
00:00:32,014 --> 00:00:36,451
You have just become victims of
the cheerleader effect.

13
00:00:36,551 --> 00:00:38,486
Glad you asked. The cheerleader effect

14
00:00:38,588 --> 00:00:42,524
is when group of women seems hot
but only as a group.

15
00:00:42,625 --> 00:00:43,751
Just like with cheerleaders.

16
00:00:43,860 --> 00:00:47,455
They seem hot,
but take each one of them individually?

17
00:00:47,563 --> 00:00:50,498
- Sled dogs.
- That's insane.

18
00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:53,000
Take a good, hard look
at each one of those girls.

19
00:00:53,102 --> 00:00:54,569
Individually.

20
00:00:54,593 --> 00:01:00,593
ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA
PSArips.com

21
00:01:13,123 --> 00:01:15,853
I don't know.
The one on the end is kind of cute.

22
00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:17,689
Yeah, she really is.

23
00:01:18,195 --> 00:01:20,720
And that, my friends,
is the cheerleader effect.

24
00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:23,459
Also known as the bridesmaid paradox,

25
00:01:23,567 --> 00:01:27,004
sorority girl syndrome,
and for a brief window in the mid-90s,

26
00:01:27,105 --> 00:01:30,905
the Spice Girls conspiracy.
Scary Spice indeed.

27
00:01:31,843 --> 00:01:33,333
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

28
00:01:35,513 --> 00:01:41,474
Barney Stinson. Hi. Okay. Got it.

29
00:01:43,021 --> 00:01:45,080
Great, we'll be in touch.

30
00:01:46,458 --> 00:01:47,447
Hah.

31
00:01:47,559 --> 00:01:50,620
- What?
- Apparently, I'm gonna be a dad.

32
00:02:06,145 --> 00:02:08,978
What do you mean, you're gonna be a dad?
How did this happen?

33
00:02:09,081 --> 00:02:12,210
It was just some girl I hooked up with
a few weeks back.

34
00:02:12,319 --> 00:02:14,514
She's not sure. She's gonna go
to the doctor in the morning.

35
00:02:14,621 --> 00:02:17,454
Maybe it's a false alarm.
Maybe she's not pregnant.

36
00:02:17,557 --> 00:02:22,119
Lily, no part of Barney Stinson
does anything less than 110 percent.

37
00:02:22,229 --> 00:02:26,029
If one of my little Michael Phelpses
got loose, he's swimming for the gold.

38
00:02:26,433 --> 00:02:28,663
This is a nightmare. I don't want kids.

39
00:02:28,769 --> 00:02:31,738
Who in their right mind
would ever want kids?

40
00:02:32,005 --> 00:02:33,404
<i>OLDER TED:
Now, when you turn 30 and you're</i>

41
00:02:33,507 --> 00:02:35,372
<i>in a couple, a strange thing happens.</i>

42
00:02:36,244 --> 00:02:38,439
<i>You start to see babies everywhere.</i>

43
00:02:38,546 --> 00:02:40,070
(BOTH EX CLAIMING)

44
00:02:51,859 --> 00:02:53,292
Oh, come on.

45
00:02:53,995 --> 00:02:57,055
<i>OLDER TED: Yes, Marshall and Lily
were coming down with baby fever.</i>

46
00:02:57,165 --> 00:02:58,792
<i>And their new neighbors weren't helping.</i>

47
00:02:58,900 --> 00:03:01,131
Did you lose a sock there, little dude?

48
00:03:01,236 --> 00:03:02,498
(GASPING)

49
00:03:02,938 --> 00:03:07,307
That is without a doubt
the cutest little thing I've ever seen.

50
00:03:07,409 --> 00:03:08,842
There's my little peanut.

51
00:03:08,944 --> 00:03:10,935
<i>OLDER TED:
That night they sat down to have a serious,</i>

52
00:03:11,046 --> 00:03:13,105
<i>practical discussion about having kids.</i>

53
00:03:13,215 --> 00:03:17,311
So, if we have a baby,
do you think you could work fewer hours?

54
00:03:17,419 --> 00:03:22,379
Doesn't matter. He's gonna be so cute,
I'm gonna eat him up on the first day.

55
00:03:22,491 --> 00:03:26,394
Okay. But what about money?
We're still in a ton of debt.

56
00:03:26,496 --> 00:03:30,398
Well, we'll count our overdue bills
on his teenie, tiny fingers.

57
00:03:31,468 --> 00:03:33,095
Let's have a baby.

58
00:03:37,540 --> 00:03:39,667
(EX CLAIMS) Oh, right now? Oh, okay.

59
00:03:40,944 --> 00:03:42,468
<i>OLDER TED:
There was just one thing in their way.</i>

60
00:03:42,579 --> 00:03:44,911
<i>Scootch over, I TiVo'd The View.</i>

61
00:03:46,417 --> 00:03:50,376
<i>OLDER TED: And that thing happened to be
unemployed and sleeping on their couch.</i>

62
00:03:50,488 --> 00:03:53,389
(EXHALING)

63
00:03:53,991 --> 00:03:58,052
So, Robin,
how's the job and apartment search going?

64
00:03:58,162 --> 00:04:00,824
Oh, you didn't hear?
I'm the lead anchor on CNN.

65
00:04:00,931 --> 00:04:04,799
And I got a penthouse
overlooking Central Park made of gold.

66
00:04:04,902 --> 00:04:07,598
Get your head out of your ass, Marshall.

67
00:04:08,005 --> 00:04:11,772
<i>They realized if they were going to start
a family, they had to plan ahead.</i>

68
00:04:11,877 --> 00:04:15,711
So, Robin, would you mind crashing
at Ted's tomorrow night?

69
00:04:15,814 --> 00:04:19,045
I'm cooking Marshall a special dinner.

70
00:04:19,151 --> 00:04:22,643
- Just dinner. That's it. Nothing else.
- ROBIN: Fine.

71
00:04:22,754 --> 00:04:25,018
But you better not be
as uptight as these idiots

72
00:04:25,123 --> 00:04:26,954
about me shooting beer cans on the roof.

73
00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:30,926
"Oh, it hurts my ears.
The neighbors called the cops.

74
00:04:31,029 --> 00:04:32,929
"You almost hit me."

75
00:04:33,031 --> 00:04:36,433
Enjoy her, Ted.
She's in a real good place right now.

76
00:04:36,903 --> 00:04:39,428
(ORGAN PLAYING)

77
00:04:39,772 --> 00:04:43,469
God, it's me, Barney. What up?

78
00:04:44,877 --> 00:04:46,845
I know we don't talk much,

79
00:04:46,946 --> 00:04:49,938
though a lot of girls
call out your name because of me.

80
00:04:50,049 --> 00:04:52,609
Awesome. But, God,

81
00:04:54,387 --> 00:04:57,151
if you could get me out of this,

82
00:04:57,256 --> 00:05:02,524
I swear I will never ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever, ever...

83
00:05:02,629 --> 00:05:04,062
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

84
00:05:04,164 --> 00:05:05,188
I...

85
00:05:07,868 --> 00:05:11,167
Ooh! Hang on, bro. Go for Barney.

86
00:05:15,842 --> 00:05:16,866
Really?

87
00:05:16,977 --> 00:05:19,411
<i>(UPBEA TMUSIC PLA YING)</i>

88
00:05:26,054 --> 00:05:31,253
- Marshall, great news! I'm not a father!
- Congratulations, buddy.

89
00:05:31,359 --> 00:05:34,055
This is the happiest moment of my life,
Marshall.

90
00:05:34,162 --> 00:05:37,063
The way I feel about not having kids?

91
00:05:37,165 --> 00:05:39,531
I never knew
I could love something this much.

92
00:05:39,634 --> 00:05:42,626
That's why I'm creating a holiday.

93
00:05:42,737 --> 00:05:46,674
From now on, today will be known
as "Not a Father's Day."

94
00:05:46,775 --> 00:05:48,675
Wow. You're creating a holiday?

95
00:05:48,777 --> 00:05:53,043
Yeah, why not? Everyone else gets a day.
Mothers, fathers, Bastilles.

96
00:05:53,148 --> 00:05:56,379
Why can't there be a day for people
who are single and like it that way?

97
00:05:56,485 --> 00:05:59,716
Well, now you just sound like
the chubby girl on Valentine's Day.

98
00:05:59,822 --> 00:06:02,848
- Hello, Stinson.
- Hey, Nolan. How are the kids?

99
00:06:05,327 --> 00:06:07,795
You ready for tonight, Eriksen?
Big merger.

100
00:06:07,896 --> 00:06:11,230
Well, that's between me and my wife, sir.

101
00:06:11,334 --> 00:06:13,598
No. The meeting with Mr. Li. Tonight.

102
00:06:13,703 --> 00:06:16,467
- I thought that was a breakfast meeting.
- It is. Breakfast in China.

103
00:06:16,573 --> 00:06:20,441
We're teleconferencing with the Chinese.
I'm counting on you, kid.

104
00:06:20,644 --> 00:06:22,441
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

105
00:06:23,747 --> 00:06:25,874
- Marshall?
- Hey, babe.

106
00:06:26,349 --> 00:06:29,477
- It's breakfast time in China.
- Yeah, it is.

107
00:06:29,619 --> 00:06:31,883
Not a euphemism. Look, I...

108
00:06:32,223 --> 00:06:35,954
- Wait, what would that even mean?
- I don't know, hot buns, spicy pork?

109
00:06:36,060 --> 00:06:40,258
There's something there.
You're not coming home tonight, are you?

110
00:06:42,266 --> 00:06:43,927
Are you shaking your head no?

111
00:06:45,870 --> 00:06:47,531
I thought so.

112
00:06:49,006 --> 00:06:51,167
Thank you, guys,
for coming over so fast.

113
00:06:51,275 --> 00:06:53,743
Yeah, are you all right?
You sounded upset on the phone.

114
00:06:53,844 --> 00:06:59,078
Marshall and I made this big decision
to have dinner.

115
00:06:59,184 --> 00:07:02,881
And I thought I was ready to have dinner.

116
00:07:02,988 --> 00:07:05,855
But then he called and canceled,
and it got me thinking.

117
00:07:05,957 --> 00:07:09,017
Is it too early for us to have dinner?

118
00:07:09,995 --> 00:07:11,656
Well, I had an early lunch,
so I'm ready for dinner.

119
00:07:11,763 --> 00:07:14,561
- Dinner is a baby!
- Lily, that's horrible!

120
00:07:15,334 --> 00:07:18,792
No, no, I need you guys
to figure something out for me.

121
00:07:18,904 --> 00:07:23,001
- What?
- Are Marshall and I ready to have a baby?

122
00:07:28,047 --> 00:07:31,505
So are Marshall and I ready
to have a baby or not?

123
00:07:31,617 --> 00:07:33,983
Lily, we can't make this decision for you.

124
00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:35,748
- It's huge.
- You know what else is huge?

125
00:07:35,855 --> 00:07:39,484
Marshall's head. That thing's the size
of a late August watermelon.

126
00:07:39,592 --> 00:07:41,617
Marshall's baby coming through there?

127
00:07:41,828 --> 00:07:43,228
(EX CLAIMING)

128
00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:45,022
What does Marshall think?

129
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:49,796
Probably a lot in that 1950s space helmet
of a head he's walking around with.

130
00:07:49,937 --> 00:07:51,905
Marshall's really excited.

131
00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:54,906
But I think he only sees
what's cute about having a baby,

132
00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:56,168
not what's hard about it.

133
00:07:56,577 --> 00:07:59,341
<i>Like the other day, while Marshall
was playing with baby Jeremy,</i>

134
00:07:59,446 --> 00:08:01,038
<i>I was talking to Jeremy's mom.</i>

135
00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:02,581
Thanks so much for inviting us over.

136
00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:04,708
I have not talked to another adult in,
like, weeks.

137
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:07,083
Well, besides my husband.
But "It's your turn to change him"

138
00:08:07,188 --> 00:08:10,214
and "Make him shut up"
really doesn't count as conversation.

139
00:08:10,325 --> 00:08:12,384
Sorry, I'm rambling.
I haven't gotten laid in seven months.

140
00:08:12,494 --> 00:08:15,463
Oh! I just did it again! Sleep deprivation!

141
00:08:16,831 --> 00:08:22,064
Wait, I'm not crying, am I? I usually am.
I don't mean to complain. Now I feel bad!

142
00:08:22,237 --> 00:08:26,674
Oh! There's my little peanut!
I love you so much!

143
00:08:27,308 --> 00:08:31,211
I'm going to be as strung out as Charlotte.
Worse actually.

144
00:08:31,313 --> 00:08:33,281
At least her husband works from home.

145
00:08:33,382 --> 00:08:36,545
I mean, he's a pot dealer,
but he's a very involved parent.

146
00:08:36,652 --> 00:08:40,452
- Marshall will be a great dad.
- Marshall's always at the office,

147
00:08:40,556 --> 00:08:44,492
and I'm afraid that if we have a baby now,
all the work will fall on me.

148
00:08:44,593 --> 00:08:46,959
You're just panicking
and focusing on the downside.

149
00:08:47,062 --> 00:08:50,088
- I think Lily's just being realistic.
- See, this is good.

150
00:08:50,199 --> 00:08:52,759
This is why
I called you guys both over here.

151
00:08:52,868 --> 00:08:55,337
Ted, you're pro kids.
Robin, you're against.

152
00:08:55,439 --> 00:08:57,703
Counselors, opening statements.

153
00:08:57,941 --> 00:09:01,138
Okay, I know you're afraid
that you're not ready.

154
00:09:01,244 --> 00:09:04,270
But no one ever thinks they're ready.
You just have to take the leap.

155
00:09:04,381 --> 00:09:05,439
Parenthood will come naturally.

156
00:09:05,549 --> 00:09:07,449
Well, of course you think
it comes naturally.

157
00:09:07,551 --> 00:09:10,884
- You're basically a dad already.
- You're a total dad.

158
00:09:10,987 --> 00:09:13,649
- What are you talking about?
- Ted, think about it.

159
00:09:14,257 --> 00:09:16,521
<i>You tell super corny dad jokes.</i>

160
00:09:17,060 --> 00:09:18,551
Shredded tweet!

161
00:09:18,663 --> 00:09:19,857
(LAUGHING)

162
00:09:19,964 --> 00:09:22,728
Man! Shredded tweet.

163
00:09:24,101 --> 00:09:27,366
<i>ROBIN: You lecture us, like when we broke
your stupid ship in a bottle.</i>

164
00:09:27,472 --> 00:09:30,066
I'm not angry. I'm just disappointed.

165
00:09:31,275 --> 00:09:33,072
- She did it!
- Shut up!

166
00:09:34,545 --> 00:09:37,639
<i>ROBIN: And you do that thing
all dads do with waitresses.</i>

167
00:09:37,748 --> 00:09:40,012
Hi, I'm Lori.
I'll be your waitress this evening.

168
00:09:40,117 --> 00:09:43,576
Hi, Lori, I'm Ted.
I'll be your customer this evening.

169
00:09:44,423 --> 00:09:45,822
Hey, Lori, before you go, tell me,

170
00:09:45,924 --> 00:09:48,256
what do you get when you
cross a canary with a lawn mower?

171
00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:49,952
No hints. No hints.

172
00:09:50,395 --> 00:09:53,887
She's right.
Ted, you may be single and childless,

173
00:09:53,999 --> 00:09:57,162
but you're totally a dorky dad.

174
00:09:57,269 --> 00:09:59,999
I don't think I like your tone, young lady.

175
00:10:00,973 --> 00:10:03,635
Marshall, Not a Father's Day is a hit!

176
00:10:03,742 --> 00:10:06,473
Laraby and Finklestein
are helping me celebrate. Check it.

177
00:10:06,579 --> 00:10:09,275
"World's Greatest Not a Dad" mugs.

178
00:10:09,382 --> 00:10:12,579
There's
"Who's Not Your Daddy?" T-shirts.

179
00:10:12,685 --> 00:10:15,245
Both available at NotAFathersDay. com.

180
00:10:15,355 --> 00:10:17,516
Oh. Check out the greeting cards.

181
00:10:20,727 --> 00:10:25,221
"For everything you do for yourself,
for all the Scotch upon your shelf.

182
00:10:25,331 --> 00:10:30,201
"Your Porsche Carrera rules the freeway.
Here's wishing you an all-night three-way.

183
00:10:30,304 --> 00:10:33,831
- "Happy Not a Father's Day."
- Check out the illustration.

184
00:10:34,608 --> 00:10:35,905
No, no.

185
00:10:36,443 --> 00:10:37,501
Oh.

186
00:10:38,245 --> 00:10:40,713
It appears to be some sort of Asian hooker.

187
00:10:40,814 --> 00:10:43,544
Yes. Because on Not a Father's Day,

188
00:10:43,651 --> 00:10:46,814
you get a Thai you'd actually wear.
Wordplay five!

189
00:10:48,622 --> 00:10:50,920
She's really kicking your ass here, Mosby.

190
00:10:51,025 --> 00:10:54,189
- Your only hope is to go negative.
- Okay.

191
00:10:54,296 --> 00:10:57,356
I'll tell you why
my opponent is saying all this.

192
00:10:57,465 --> 00:11:03,199
- Three words, scared of babies.
- What? That is crazy.

193
00:11:03,305 --> 00:11:04,670
- I am not.
- Yeah?

194
00:11:05,140 --> 00:11:07,108
<i>Remember that time
you met my cousin and her kid?</i>

195
00:11:07,208 --> 00:11:09,642
Oh, she is so cute.

196
00:11:09,744 --> 00:11:10,768
Aw!

197
00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:12,710
Oh. Do you want to hold her?

198
00:11:12,814 --> 00:11:14,247
Aw.

199
00:11:15,818 --> 00:11:19,083
<i>TED: Or the baby shower Lily threw
for her friend Erika?</i>

200
00:11:20,990 --> 00:11:24,585
- Are you letting that baby sniff you?
- I don't want to get bitten.

201
00:11:25,761 --> 00:11:26,728
<i>And don't forget about...</i>

202
00:11:26,829 --> 00:11:28,990
(SCREAMS)

203
00:11:31,534 --> 00:11:34,799
- Talking baby commercial?
- Talking baby commercial.

204
00:11:35,738 --> 00:11:38,798
But you're not like that, Lily.
You love kids and they love you.

205
00:11:38,908 --> 00:11:42,743
Yes, I'm loveable, pretty and wise,
but is it enough?

206
00:11:42,846 --> 00:11:46,043
Look, it all comes down to one word. You.

207
00:11:46,149 --> 00:11:48,481
Are you ready to put
your own dreams on the back burner?

208
00:11:48,585 --> 00:11:51,053
Grad school,
teaching art at the college level?

209
00:11:51,154 --> 00:11:55,614
Look, you need to focus on Project Lily
before you can start Project Baby.

210
00:11:55,726 --> 00:11:57,717
If you don't, you'll always regret it.

211
00:11:57,828 --> 00:12:00,797
And that wouldn't be fair to you
or the baby.

212
00:12:02,299 --> 00:12:06,168
- What's that?
- It's Jeremy's sock.

213
00:12:08,039 --> 00:12:09,802
I'm having a baby.

214
00:12:10,174 --> 00:12:14,338
- But what about all the things I just said?
- But... But sock.

215
00:12:14,445 --> 00:12:16,743
But what about Marshall
working all the time?

216
00:12:16,848 --> 00:12:18,440
But sock.

217
00:12:18,816 --> 00:12:21,944
- But Project Lily!
- Little fishies on it.

218
00:12:22,620 --> 00:12:27,581
We made all of these arguments, and a
sock is what makes your decision for you?

219
00:12:28,293 --> 00:12:31,387
I guess that was the sock-out punch,
huh, Robin?

220
00:12:31,497 --> 00:12:34,523
- Shut up, Dad.
- You shut up, baby hater.

221
00:12:34,633 --> 00:12:37,602
Babies are scary, okay?
They have giant eyes.

222
00:12:37,703 --> 00:12:41,537
And then, come on, the soft spot?
If there's gonna be a self-destruct button,

223
00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:45,440
at least hide it somewhere
it won't accidentally get pressed.

224
00:12:46,578 --> 00:12:48,011
Where's Lily?

225
00:12:49,982 --> 00:12:51,177
Hey, did you drink any of this?

226
00:12:51,284 --> 00:12:53,275
- Not a drop.
- Me, neither.

227
00:12:56,222 --> 00:12:57,985
Eriksen, meeting in five minutes.

228
00:12:58,091 --> 00:13:00,753
And you'd better bring
your A-game for Mr. Li.

229
00:13:00,860 --> 00:13:04,728
That guy haunts my nightmares.
Anyway, have fun out there, kid.

230
00:13:09,069 --> 00:13:11,833
Put a baby in me, Marshall. I'm ready.

231
00:13:18,813 --> 00:13:23,512
- Lily. Lily, what are you doing here?
- I'm ready, Marshall. Tonight's the night.

232
00:13:23,617 --> 00:13:26,814
Put your melon-headed spawn in my belly.

233
00:13:26,921 --> 00:13:28,980
- What?
- Yeah. Come on, right now.

234
00:13:29,090 --> 00:13:32,184
Baby me. I am ready. Hey, look.

235
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,861
The guys in the next building
are waving at me.

236
00:13:35,963 --> 00:13:40,162
Hello, gentlemen!
We're gonna make a baby!

237
00:13:41,603 --> 00:13:43,969
(SCOFFING) I can't believe we lost her.

238
00:13:44,072 --> 00:13:45,972
See, this is exactly why
I'm never having kids.

239
00:13:46,074 --> 00:13:48,167
You can't let them out of your sight
for even a second.

240
00:13:48,276 --> 00:13:52,975
- I can't find my file.
- I pulled out A through G.

241
00:13:53,081 --> 00:13:55,311
(EX CLAIMING)

242
00:13:57,219 --> 00:13:59,517
They just sit there
with their stupid bottles.

243
00:14:02,458 --> 00:14:03,425
They cry.

244
00:14:05,228 --> 00:14:06,661
(CRYING)

245
00:14:12,835 --> 00:14:13,802
They spit up.

246
00:14:14,871 --> 00:14:17,066
(RETCHING)

247
00:14:17,807 --> 00:14:21,208
- And that's why kids suck.
- Wow, it is a good thing we broke up.

248
00:14:21,310 --> 00:14:23,744
I forgot how totally psycho you are
on the kids thing.

249
00:14:23,846 --> 00:14:27,874
I'm psycho?
Any time you even hear the word "kids,"

250
00:14:27,985 --> 00:14:31,045
you get two little lactation stains
on your shirt.

251
00:14:31,155 --> 00:14:33,783
Thank God you're not a mom.
You are such an ice queen,

252
00:14:33,891 --> 00:14:36,951
any baby nursing from you
would get brain freeze.

253
00:14:37,060 --> 00:14:38,823
Look, don't paint me
as some sort of a freak

254
00:14:38,929 --> 00:14:40,328
for wanting to remain independent.

255
00:14:40,430 --> 00:14:42,830
There are plenty of normal people
out there who don't want to have kids.

256
00:14:42,933 --> 00:14:46,960
Brother, lay your hand on this
box of condoms and repeat after me.

257
00:14:47,471 --> 00:14:49,963
"I," state the fake name
you give to women...

258
00:14:50,074 --> 00:14:52,235
I, Johnny Banana.

259
00:14:52,911 --> 00:14:56,403
"...vow to always choose wet T-shirts
over wet diapers."

260
00:14:56,514 --> 00:15:00,473
- Vow to always...
- Yeah, you're in great company there.

261
00:15:00,585 --> 00:15:02,314
I'm gonna look for Lily in the bathroom.

262
00:15:02,420 --> 00:15:04,752
- While I'm in there, I'll grab you a tampon.
- Great, great.

263
00:15:04,856 --> 00:15:06,585
And when you're done
shaking off at the urinal,

264
00:15:06,691 --> 00:15:09,057
maybe you could ask the wizard
to give you a heart.

265
00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:12,254
You know what? Maybe I should find
somewhere else to stay this weekend.

266
00:15:12,364 --> 00:15:13,490
- No argument here.
- Fine.

267
00:15:13,599 --> 00:15:14,623
Great.

268
00:15:14,867 --> 00:15:18,860
Welcome to our fraternity
of non-paternity.

269
00:15:19,438 --> 00:15:20,837
He is one of us.

270
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:22,468
- Yeah!
- Yeah!

271
00:15:24,076 --> 00:15:26,636
Gentlemen, Mr. Li,

272
00:15:26,745 --> 00:15:29,976
if you would all please open to page five
of your merger documents.

273
00:15:30,082 --> 00:15:31,549
I think that you'll...

274
00:15:34,253 --> 00:15:35,743
Whoa!

275
00:15:35,855 --> 00:15:38,586
- What is it, Eriksen?
- Nothing.

276
00:15:38,692 --> 00:15:42,321
I just think that you look very nice today.

277
00:15:53,573 --> 00:15:58,010
- What are you looking at?
- I am looking at the future

278
00:15:59,412 --> 00:16:04,476
of our two companies,
and it looks very naked.

279
00:16:05,653 --> 00:16:08,645
Would you excuse me
just for a little, brief second?

280
00:16:12,226 --> 00:16:14,490
<i>Did anyone else see the drunk chick?</i>

281
00:16:16,264 --> 00:16:21,292
Hey, you guys didn't have to...
It's a picture of me with no kids.

282
00:16:21,402 --> 00:16:24,930
And there's macaroni glued on the frame.
Guys, I love it.

283
00:16:25,774 --> 00:16:27,503
Well, Lily's not in there.

284
00:16:27,609 --> 00:16:29,668
Your phone rang. I answered it.
I hope you don't mind.

285
00:16:29,778 --> 00:16:31,609
- No.
- Marshall's got Lily. She's fine.

286
00:16:31,713 --> 00:16:33,704
Oh, thank God.

287
00:16:35,284 --> 00:16:36,342
What?

288
00:16:37,419 --> 00:16:40,252
I was putting your phone back
and I found something in your bag.

289
00:16:40,355 --> 00:16:42,823
I have a permit for that.
And the other thing was a gift.

290
00:16:42,925 --> 00:16:45,655
No. This.

291
00:16:47,797 --> 00:16:50,561
- You stole Jeremy's sock.
- No, I didn't.

292
00:16:50,667 --> 00:16:54,763
I don't know how that got in there.
It must've fallen in. Weird!

293
00:16:54,871 --> 00:16:57,999
- Fallen in?
- Or Lily put it in there as a joke.

294
00:16:58,107 --> 00:16:59,904
That bitch be drunk.

295
00:17:01,544 --> 00:17:03,102
Okay, I took it.

296
00:17:04,213 --> 00:17:08,547
It's just so cute. Sock.

297
00:17:09,686 --> 00:17:13,646
Robin Scherbatsky, are you warming to
the idea of having children?

298
00:17:13,757 --> 00:17:16,419
No. I don't know.

299
00:17:17,194 --> 00:17:21,062
Maybe someday. When I'm, like, 70.
Science will catch up.

300
00:17:22,967 --> 00:17:28,633
Look, I'm just... I'm confused lately.
I'm unemployed, I'm living on a couch.

301
00:17:28,739 --> 00:17:32,266
Yeah. It's been a rough couple of months
for both of us.

302
00:17:34,779 --> 00:17:36,542
Hey, I have a spare bedroom.

303
00:17:36,648 --> 00:17:39,344
Why don't you stay with me
while you look for a place?

304
00:17:39,451 --> 00:17:41,419
- Really?
- Yeah.

305
00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:45,888
Thanks, Ted. I already have some leads,
so it'll be one week, two weeks tops.

306
00:17:45,991 --> 00:17:47,288
<i>OLDER TED:
And that's how your Aunt Robin</i>

307
00:17:47,392 --> 00:17:48,381
<i>moved in with me.</i>

308
00:17:48,493 --> 00:17:49,482
Roomies.

309
00:17:50,962 --> 00:17:53,590
I'm bored. Let's go dancing.

310
00:17:53,698 --> 00:17:57,657
- Oh, let's rob a liquor store!
- Lily, we're not going anywhere, okay?

311
00:17:57,769 --> 00:17:59,032
Whenever we go somewhere
when you're drunk,

312
00:17:59,138 --> 00:18:02,301
you always fall asleep
as soon as we get in the...

313
00:18:02,775 --> 00:18:08,111
We're going dancing!
We're gonna party all night long!

314
00:18:08,314 --> 00:18:09,941
(SNORING)

315
00:18:11,150 --> 00:18:13,675
Hey, can you circle the block
a couple of times

316
00:18:13,786 --> 00:18:17,119
- just to make sure she's really down?
- Sure thing.

317
00:18:19,358 --> 00:18:21,623
Latest Not a Father's Day brainstorm.

318
00:18:21,728 --> 00:18:25,027
A pregnancy test,
but instead of a little blue line,

319
00:18:25,132 --> 00:18:27,930
there's a little blue Barney going like this.

320
00:18:28,035 --> 00:18:32,233
Barney, Not a Father's Day is lame.
It's a holiday for losers.

321
00:18:32,339 --> 00:18:35,775
What are you talking about?
That's a great group of bros.

322
00:18:35,876 --> 00:18:40,711
- Barney, it's the cheerleader effect.
- No, Ted. That only works for chicks.

323
00:18:40,814 --> 00:18:44,511
Take a good look
at each one of those guys, individually.

324
00:18:59,934 --> 00:19:03,927
These geniuses are not
childless by choice, my friend.

325
00:19:04,038 --> 00:19:06,336
- Good night, Barney.
- Good night.

326
00:19:14,583 --> 00:19:15,641
Sock.

327
00:19:20,222 --> 00:19:21,849
Do I smell chocolate chip pancakes?

328
00:19:21,957 --> 00:19:27,759
No, you smell chocolate chip "I'm sorry
I was such a drunk idiot" pancakes.

329
00:19:27,930 --> 00:19:30,091
Is there any
"Wish I hadn't puked on your shirt" bacon?

330
00:19:30,199 --> 00:19:31,962
There sure is.

331
00:19:32,434 --> 00:19:35,461
- Baby.
- I'm so sorry about last night.

332
00:19:35,572 --> 00:19:37,506
I know I was a mess.

333
00:19:37,974 --> 00:19:42,138
I just started freaking out
about whether we're ready to be parents.

334
00:19:42,812 --> 00:19:47,010
But you took such good care of me,
I know you're gonna be a great dad.

335
00:19:47,117 --> 00:19:49,915
- I don't want to be a dad right now.
- What?

336
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:55,191
Last night, it was just... Between
balancing work and drunk Baby Lily,

337
00:19:55,325 --> 00:19:57,157
it was too much.

338
00:19:57,261 --> 00:20:01,994
I'm just getting started at this job,
and I'm working such long hours, I mean...

339
00:20:02,099 --> 00:20:05,933
Look, I love you. And I absolutely
want to have kids someday.

340
00:20:06,036 --> 00:20:08,800
I just... I want to be ready for it.

341
00:20:10,841 --> 00:20:15,540
Me, too. And whenever we are ready,

342
00:20:15,646 --> 00:20:19,377
- I know you're gonna be amazing.
- You, too.

343
00:20:23,021 --> 00:20:27,617
Hey, do you want to go have
completely protected sex right now?

344
00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:30,786
- I do.
- Do you want to finish your bacon first?

345
00:20:33,131 --> 00:20:35,122
You are the perfect woman.

346
00:20:42,541 --> 00:20:45,875
<i>And the cat's in the cradle
and the silver spoon</i>

347
00:20:45,978 --> 00:20:48,879
<i>Little boy blue and the man in the moon</i>

348
00:20:48,981 --> 00:20:52,007
<i>"When you coming home, Dad?"
"I don't know when</i>

349
00:20:52,118 --> 00:20:55,178
<i>"But we'll get together then, Son</i>

350
00:20:55,288 --> 00:20:58,519
<i>"I know we'll have a good time then"</i>

351
00:21:02,395 --> 00:21:03,862
(WEAK APPLAUSE)