1
00:00:01,382 --> 00:00:02,872
OLDER TED: Kids, everyone has an opinion
2
00:00:02,984 --> 00:00:05,043
on how long it takes
to recover from a breakup.
3
00:00:05,520 --> 00:00:07,317
Half the length of the relationship.
4
00:00:07,488 --> 00:00:09,319
One week for every month
you were together.
5
00:00:09,557 --> 00:00:12,617
Exactly 10,000 drinks.
However long that takes.
6
00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:15,354
You can't measure
something like this in time.
7
00:00:15,463 --> 00:00:17,192
There's a series of steps.
8
00:00:17,298 --> 00:00:20,790
From her bed to the front door.
Bam! Out of there. Next!
9
00:00:21,703 --> 00:00:24,297
OLDER TED: But I think you start to recover
the moment you meet that person
10
00:00:24,405 --> 00:00:26,669
who gets you back in the game.
11
00:00:27,442 --> 00:00:30,309
This is the story of how I met that person.
12
00:00:38,186 --> 00:00:42,213
Now, kids, if you want to go swimming,
you don't just dive in.
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First, you dip your toe in the water.
14
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- Hey.
- Hi.
15
00:00:55,036 --> 00:00:57,937
You check the temperature.
See how it feels.
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00:00:58,873 --> 00:01:02,036
- I'm Ted.
- Vicky.
17
00:01:02,060 --> 00:01:08,060
ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA
PSArips.com
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00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:20,388
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
19
00:01:30,838 --> 00:01:32,863
And then you slowly wade in.
20
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I got left at the altar a month ago.
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Or, you know, cannonball.
22
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It was a complete disaster,
and ever since then,
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I haven't been able to even look
at another woman.
24
00:01:42,583 --> 00:01:46,110
Except for the old lady on the subway
who breakdances for nickels.
25
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I don't look at her that way.
I just look at her.
26
00:01:48,790 --> 00:01:52,317
I mean, it's an old lady breakdancing.
And she is good.
27
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I'm going to give her a dollar next time.
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Hey, let's pretend I just said this.
29
00:01:59,233 --> 00:02:01,929
These elevator rides
have been the highlight of my week,
30
00:02:02,036 --> 00:02:04,869
and I'd love to see you again Friday night.
31
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Not in the elevator.
At a restaurant, a nice one.
32
00:02:09,277 --> 00:02:13,373
- What do you say?
- Yes.
33
00:02:27,929 --> 00:02:29,897
OLDER TED: Kids,
I walked in on a lot of crazy stuff
34
00:02:29,998 --> 00:02:31,898
at the old apartment over the years.
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Sorry, guys.
I'm just going to go with a bowl of fruit.
36
00:02:39,774 --> 00:02:41,867
It's been 12 minutes!
37
00:02:46,581 --> 00:02:48,515
- Drop it!
- You first!
38
00:02:48,616 --> 00:02:50,015
lke, why are you pointing your gun at me?
39
00:02:50,118 --> 00:02:53,110
- Don't use my name!
- Put the guns down, now!
40
00:02:56,024 --> 00:02:57,321
(BLEATING)
41
00:02:58,659 --> 00:03:00,752
But one of the craziest things
I ever walked in on
42
00:03:00,862 --> 00:03:04,229
happened when I was roommates
with your Aunt Robin.
43
00:03:08,770 --> 00:03:10,863
- Hey.
- Hey.
44
00:03:11,639 --> 00:03:12,606
(TED CLEARS THROAT)
45
00:03:13,341 --> 00:03:15,775
- Who are you?
- Mitch.
46
00:03:18,279 --> 00:03:22,215
- What are you doing, Mitch?
- You must be the roommate.
47
00:03:22,316 --> 00:03:25,843
I'm on a date with Robin.
She had to step outside to take a call.
48
00:03:25,953 --> 00:03:27,443
I guess her cell phone
doesn't work in here.
49
00:03:27,555 --> 00:03:28,579
Oh.
50
00:03:29,524 --> 00:03:30,718
Oh!
51
00:03:30,825 --> 00:03:34,317
Oh.
Robin didn't use the super-secret signal.
52
00:03:34,429 --> 00:03:37,057
We put this old takeout menu
on the doorknob.
53
00:03:37,165 --> 00:03:40,362
Place went out of business. Mr. Wang's.
54
00:03:40,468 --> 00:03:43,562
Guess I don't have to explain
why that's funny.
55
00:03:43,671 --> 00:03:45,104
I'm gonna go.
56
00:03:47,875 --> 00:03:52,335
When you leave, take the seat cushion
with you. That's trash now.
57
00:03:53,147 --> 00:03:55,945
I think that I am more
than qualified for the job.
58
00:03:56,050 --> 00:04:00,487
My weaknesses? I would say
caring too much, working too hard,
59
00:04:00,588 --> 00:04:02,749
and putting my career
in front of my love life.
60
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(CHUCKLES) Whoops!
That last one was real. What?
61
00:04:05,893 --> 00:04:06,860
(MOUTHING)
62
00:04:08,162 --> 00:04:12,895
Well, it appears our sweet, innocent
little Robin has taken a lover.
63
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:15,264
A young blade by the name of Mitch.
64
00:04:15,536 --> 00:04:17,527
Her blind date? Total bust.
65
00:04:17,638 --> 00:04:19,868
She's been sending me text messages
all night.
66
00:04:19,974 --> 00:04:23,637
She just let him go upstairs
to use the bathroom a second ago.
67
00:04:23,744 --> 00:04:25,609
Excuse me a minute.
68
00:04:27,448 --> 00:04:28,415
(GROANS)
69
00:04:28,716 --> 00:04:31,844
Buddy, you are killing me. I'm kind of
in the middle of something here.
70
00:04:31,953 --> 00:04:33,011
Middle of what?
71
00:04:33,121 --> 00:04:34,088
(GRUNTS)
72
00:04:34,622 --> 00:04:38,217
This is my move.
It's called The Naked Man.
73
00:04:38,326 --> 00:04:40,886
- The Naked Man?
- Goes like this.
74
00:04:40,995 --> 00:04:43,725
You're on a first date,
you've had a few drinks.
75
00:04:44,398 --> 00:04:46,593
MITCH: You make an excuse
to go up to the girl's apartment.
76
00:04:46,701 --> 00:04:48,168
- So the bathroom's right there.
- Okay, thanks.
77
00:04:48,269 --> 00:04:49,236
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
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00:04:50,004 --> 00:04:50,971
You know what, I'm gonna grab this.
79
00:04:51,072 --> 00:04:53,233
- Okay.
- Hello?
80
00:04:53,341 --> 00:04:58,438
Then, once she leaves the room,
you strip down naked and wait.
81
00:04:58,546 --> 00:05:02,038
When she comes back, she laughs.
82
00:05:02,150 --> 00:05:04,618
She's so charmed
by your confidence and bravado,
83
00:05:04,719 --> 00:05:06,880
she sleeps with you. Boom!
84
00:05:08,456 --> 00:05:12,482
- (CHUCKLES) There is no way that works!
- Two out of three times.
85
00:05:12,592 --> 00:05:14,219
Two out of three times?
86
00:05:14,327 --> 00:05:17,819
Two out of three times.
You just have to pick your spot.
87
00:05:17,931 --> 00:05:20,627
The Naked Man is best used
as a last resort,
88
00:05:20,734 --> 00:05:22,793
kind of a Hail Mary on a first date
89
00:05:22,903 --> 00:05:24,768
when you know there's not
going to be a second one.
90
00:05:24,871 --> 00:05:26,498
How do you know
there's not gonna be a second date?
91
00:05:26,606 --> 00:05:29,439
- Ted, look at me.
- I'd rather not, Mitch.
92
00:05:29,543 --> 00:05:34,537
Robin is way out of my league.
I'm not smart, funny or handsome.
93
00:05:34,648 --> 00:05:36,479
And as you can plainly see,
there's nothing impressive
94
00:05:36,583 --> 00:05:38,847
going on anywhere around here.
95
00:05:39,953 --> 00:05:42,786
My only shot with a girl like Robin
is the element of surprise.
96
00:05:42,889 --> 00:05:47,383
And, let's be honest, a little pity.
It's shock and...
97
00:05:47,494 --> 00:05:48,461
Aw!
98
00:05:49,796 --> 00:05:54,893
- This doesn't really work.
- Two out of three times. Guaranteed.
99
00:05:55,001 --> 00:05:58,368
- No way.
- Two out of three times.
100
00:05:58,471 --> 00:06:01,167
- He guaranteed it.
- Oh, come on.
101
00:06:01,274 --> 00:06:03,242
There is no way
that's gonna work on Robin.
102
00:06:03,343 --> 00:06:04,435
She's going to walk in there,
103
00:06:04,544 --> 00:06:06,409
take one look at that idiot
and send him packing.
104
00:06:06,513 --> 00:06:08,413
(LAUGHS) Yeah,
she might kick his ass first.
105
00:06:08,515 --> 00:06:10,312
Yeah, she might get her gun
and shoot him.
106
00:06:10,417 --> 00:06:11,509
(LAUGHING)
107
00:06:15,956 --> 00:06:16,945
BARNEY: Go, go!
108
00:06:19,125 --> 00:06:21,889
- My God!
- It worked.
109
00:06:21,995 --> 00:06:24,259
Mr. Wang's is back in business?
110
00:06:29,803 --> 00:06:32,135
The Naked Man works!
111
00:06:32,239 --> 00:06:35,367
This is gonna revolutionize
the one-night stand.
112
00:06:35,475 --> 00:06:40,242
This is like the forward pass in football.
The slam dunk in basketball.
113
00:06:40,347 --> 00:06:42,747
The haircutting technique
where they hold it between their fingers
114
00:06:42,849 --> 00:06:45,443
and cut right above it.
It's a total game-changer!
115
00:06:45,552 --> 00:06:49,215
Barney, this guy slept with Robin,
who you claim to be in love with.
116
00:06:49,322 --> 00:06:51,586
How can you be excited about this?
117
00:06:51,691 --> 00:06:56,594
Lily, The Naked Man
is bigger than me and Robin.
118
00:06:56,696 --> 00:07:00,063
All these years,
I have been busting my hump,
119
00:07:00,166 --> 00:07:04,432
with my secret identities
and my tricks and my gadgets.
120
00:07:04,537 --> 00:07:09,031
I mean, I'm like Batman.
But this Mitch fellow, he's Superman.
121
00:07:09,142 --> 00:07:11,337
He just rips off his clothes
and he's good to go.
122
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What kind of gadgets
are we talking about?
123
00:07:15,248 --> 00:07:17,011
So this is what it's gonna be like,
us living together?
124
00:07:17,117 --> 00:07:21,019
I come home, and guys you're dating are
just gonna be sitting on the couch, naked?
125
00:07:21,121 --> 00:07:22,452
I wish I could say no.
126
00:07:22,555 --> 00:07:26,719
(LAUGHING) I still cannot believe
The Naked Man worked on you.
127
00:07:26,826 --> 00:07:30,626
What can I say?
Okay, I went in there, and he was naked.
128
00:07:30,764 --> 00:07:34,632
It was funny. I laughed, he laughed.
129
00:07:34,734 --> 00:07:37,931
And then it just kind of happened.
I don't know.
130
00:07:40,340 --> 00:07:41,500
I call slut!
131
00:07:41,608 --> 00:07:43,041
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
132
00:07:43,143 --> 00:07:44,405
Excuse me?
133
00:07:44,511 --> 00:07:46,342
I'm sorry, Robin,
but you hooking up with this guy
134
00:07:46,446 --> 00:07:50,382
makes it seem like the only thing
standing between you and sex is clothes.
135
00:07:51,318 --> 00:07:54,310
I didn't just sleep with Mitch
because he was naked.
136
00:07:54,421 --> 00:07:56,889
- Then why did you sleep with him?
- Because he...
137
00:07:56,990 --> 00:07:57,957
Um...
138
00:07:58,792 --> 00:08:04,253
He... Because I care about Mitch. A lot.
139
00:08:04,364 --> 00:08:09,097
There was a connection of specialness.
140
00:08:09,202 --> 00:08:11,693
Of specialness and feelings.
141
00:08:12,372 --> 00:08:15,569
It was because he was naked.
And I'm sorry, but I don't approve.
142
00:08:15,675 --> 00:08:20,112
There is only one reason to sleep
with somebody, and that is love.
143
00:08:20,213 --> 00:08:21,646
(ALL LAUGHING)
144
00:08:22,582 --> 00:08:25,415
Yeah, Marshall's a big girl
because he believes in true love
145
00:08:25,518 --> 00:08:26,849
and just finished reading The Notebook
146
00:08:26,953 --> 00:08:29,319
because the secretaries bullied him
into joining Oprah's Book Club.
147
00:08:29,422 --> 00:08:31,447
Fine! But you know I'm right.
148
00:08:31,558 --> 00:08:35,187
Marshall, I love you,
but there's lots of reasons to have sex.
149
00:08:35,295 --> 00:08:36,922
- Name one.
- I can name 50.
150
00:08:37,030 --> 00:08:40,727
- No, you can't.
- Number 1, last Thursday.
151
00:08:46,873 --> 00:08:49,842
- (SIGHS) Hey, Marshall, want to do it?
- I'm up.
152
00:08:51,344 --> 00:08:55,508
You befouled our marital bed
because you couldn't get to sleep?
153
00:08:55,615 --> 00:08:56,707
You're the one who said,
154
00:08:56,816 --> 00:09:01,480
"That shadow on the ceiling looks like
a scary, toothless clown. Good night, Lily."
155
00:09:01,588 --> 00:09:06,287
- Fine! That's one. But I defy you to name...
- I'm going to name 50.
156
00:09:06,393 --> 00:09:09,954
There's make-up sex, break-up sex,
157
00:09:10,063 --> 00:09:13,157
and your-friend-just-told-you
- about-a-new-position sex.
158
00:09:13,266 --> 00:09:15,257
You're welcome.
159
00:09:15,368 --> 00:09:19,771
There's also revenge,
rebound, paratrooping.
160
00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:22,972
You know, when you go out of town,
but instead of getting a hotel room,
161
00:09:23,076 --> 00:09:25,670
you go straight to a bar with the
sole intention of hooking up with a girl
162
00:09:25,779 --> 00:09:26,837
so you have a place to stay?
163
00:09:26,946 --> 00:09:29,779
- Oh, you mean banging-for-roof.
- (COUGHS) Slut!
164
00:09:30,517 --> 00:09:32,678
I don't do it. My college roommate did it.
165
00:09:32,786 --> 00:09:35,050
Oh. No, no, Robin, I just have a bad cough.
166
00:09:35,155 --> 00:09:37,123
(COUGHING) I don't really
have a bad cough.
167
00:09:37,223 --> 00:09:40,624
We all know college roommate
means you, slut!
168
00:09:42,362 --> 00:09:44,455
Does anyone have a lozenge?
169
00:09:44,931 --> 00:09:47,991
(EX CLAIMING) I've got one.
Nothing-good-on-television sex.
170
00:09:48,101 --> 00:09:49,090
Hmm.
171
00:09:49,202 --> 00:09:53,434
- Hotel-room sex.
- Curiosity, as in,
172
00:09:53,540 --> 00:09:56,998
I've always wondered what it's like
to have sex with a really tall girl.
173
00:09:57,110 --> 00:10:00,443
Not a big girl, just a tall girl.
174
00:10:01,481 --> 00:10:04,746
Like, if a normal girl
175
00:10:04,851 --> 00:10:08,617
were seven, seven-and-a-half-feet tall
176
00:10:08,721 --> 00:10:13,249
and wore a denim miniskirt.
177
00:10:13,359 --> 00:10:16,817
- I would have to know what that is like.
- Okay.
178
00:10:18,965 --> 00:10:22,025
He-said-he-loved-you-but-you're-not-ready
- to-say-it-back-yet sex.
179
00:10:22,135 --> 00:10:23,659
Forty-three.
180
00:10:23,770 --> 00:10:27,536
- Wingman diving on the friend grenade.
- Forty-four.
181
00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:30,803
- The condoms are about to expire.
- Forty-five.
182
00:10:35,381 --> 00:10:38,908
- Wow! This is getting a little hard.
- Forty-six!
183
00:10:41,354 --> 00:10:43,049
Okay, four more to go.
184
00:10:43,156 --> 00:10:47,388
(EX CLAIMS) You dropped a Cheeto on
his lap, and when you reached for it,
185
00:10:47,494 --> 00:10:51,362
he thought you were making a move,
so you just went with it.
186
00:10:51,664 --> 00:10:54,861
Well, thank you for ruining the memory
of our six-month anniversary.
187
00:10:54,968 --> 00:10:56,663
You got me Cheetos.
188
00:10:57,337 --> 00:10:59,897
Look, can we just stop
with this stupid list, okay?
189
00:11:00,006 --> 00:11:03,271
- You guys are making me sad.
- No, I'm having fun.
190
00:11:03,376 --> 00:11:06,573
Man, this whole one-partner thing
sucks sometimes.
191
00:11:06,679 --> 00:11:09,978
I'm always talking about you.
I can't play "I never,"
192
00:11:10,083 --> 00:11:13,883
because then everyone would know
all the weird stuff I let you do to me.
193
00:11:13,987 --> 00:11:17,354
The only weird thing I ever did to you
was open up my heart and soul,
194
00:11:17,457 --> 00:11:20,187
when all I had to do was strip naked
while you were out of the room.
195
00:11:20,293 --> 00:11:23,456
I didn't sleep with Mitch
because he was naked.
196
00:11:23,563 --> 00:11:25,394
Mitch and I have something special.
197
00:11:25,498 --> 00:11:27,830
I mean, fingers crossed, guys.
He may be the one.
198
00:11:27,934 --> 00:11:32,462
- The one? Mitch? The Naked Man?
- You mean the naked genius.
199
00:11:32,572 --> 00:11:37,635
All these years I've been suiting up when
I should have been suiting down. That's it.
200
00:11:37,744 --> 00:11:40,178
I am doing The Naked Man tonight.
201
00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:41,804
- Ted, so are you.
- What?
202
00:11:41,915 --> 00:11:44,748
With the elevator girl. You're going out
with her tonight, right? Naked Man!
203
00:11:44,851 --> 00:11:46,580
No. Barney, come on, this is the first girl
204
00:11:46,686 --> 00:11:48,415
I've had the courage to ask out
since Stella.
205
00:11:48,521 --> 00:11:49,613
Naked Man!
206
00:11:49,722 --> 00:11:52,020
No, Barney,
this is the eighth outfit I tried on tonight.
207
00:11:52,125 --> 00:11:55,094
I got my hair cut three times,
I'm a nervous wreck.
208
00:11:55,194 --> 00:11:57,355
Are you wearing makeup?
209
00:11:58,131 --> 00:12:02,090
It's not makeup, okay?
It's a sunscreen with a subtle tint of...
210
00:12:03,536 --> 00:12:07,632
It's made for men.
Sue me, I want my eyes to pop.
211
00:12:10,343 --> 00:12:13,176
- Naked Man!
- No, Barney, I like Vicky.
212
00:12:13,279 --> 00:12:14,507
This could actually go somewhere.
213
00:12:14,614 --> 00:12:17,048
I don't want to do anything stupid
to jeopardize it.
214
00:12:17,150 --> 00:12:21,211
Well, I really like that girl,
215
00:12:21,321 --> 00:12:24,188
but... Oh! I didn't see her from the back.
216
00:12:24,290 --> 00:12:27,521
I really like that girl.
217
00:12:27,627 --> 00:12:32,064
And I'm willing to jeopardize our future
together for one night of glory.
218
00:12:33,399 --> 00:12:34,696
Naked Man!
219
00:12:36,269 --> 00:12:38,863
OLDER TED: So, that night
we all set out to prove something.
220
00:12:38,972 --> 00:12:40,940
Robin wanted to defend her honor.
221
00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:43,338
Mitch, hey, baby, it's me.
222
00:12:44,877 --> 00:12:47,937
Robin. Do you want to grab
some dinner tonight?
223
00:12:48,448 --> 00:12:49,415
(GIGGLING)
224
00:12:49,549 --> 00:12:52,518
Because you're basically my boyfriend!
225
00:12:52,952 --> 00:12:55,716
Lily needed to prove
that she could finish her list.
226
00:12:55,822 --> 00:12:58,620
I'm stuck. I can't think of the last two.
227
00:13:01,060 --> 00:13:02,527
Reason Number 48,
228
00:13:02,629 --> 00:13:06,360
"To reinforce good behaviors
such as shaving and dental hygiene."
229
00:13:06,466 --> 00:13:08,263
Oh, now you're conditioning me? Great!
230
00:13:08,368 --> 00:13:11,895
That explains
why I always get an erection when I floss.
231
00:13:12,705 --> 00:13:15,538
OLDER TED: I had to prove that as scary
as it was to be dating again,
232
00:13:15,642 --> 00:13:18,270
I was over Stella
and ready to get back out there.
233
00:13:18,378 --> 00:13:21,609
And Barney needed to prove that he, too,
could pull off The Naked Man.
234
00:13:21,914 --> 00:13:23,814
Hey, thank you for letting me
look at your aquarium.
235
00:13:23,916 --> 00:13:26,350
- You're a real lifesaver.
- Sure, no problem.
236
00:13:26,452 --> 00:13:29,853
I just need to use the bathroom
then I'll be on my way.
237
00:13:36,195 --> 00:13:39,722
Ted, I'm doing it.
I'm doing The Naked Man!
238
00:13:40,199 --> 00:13:41,257
Me, too!
239
00:13:46,939 --> 00:13:49,100
I'm doing it! I'm doing The Naked Man!
240
00:13:49,208 --> 00:13:51,733
That's great!
What made you change your mind?
241
00:13:51,844 --> 00:13:55,644
Well, the date with Vicky started off okay,
but it didn't go as well as I hoped.
242
00:13:56,282 --> 00:13:59,479
Oh, my God, Ted, you are so funny.
243
00:13:59,585 --> 00:14:02,554
And can I just say, you have amazing eyes.
244
00:14:02,655 --> 00:14:04,623
What, these old things?
245
00:14:04,724 --> 00:14:05,850
(BOTH EX CLAIMING)
246
00:14:05,958 --> 00:14:08,119
- Nice job, hotshot.
- I'm sorry...
247
00:14:08,227 --> 00:14:11,890
Save it! Go tell the manager
he owes us an appetizer.
248
00:14:11,998 --> 00:14:16,492
One of the ones with shrimp!
You're welcome. You were saying?
249
00:14:16,803 --> 00:14:19,795
And then his cane missed the top step,
250
00:14:19,906 --> 00:14:23,137
and he was falling for,
I swear, like, two minutes.
251
00:14:23,309 --> 00:14:24,571
(LAUGHING)
252
00:14:24,677 --> 00:14:27,874
Oh, God, I love old people.
253
00:14:29,749 --> 00:14:32,582
Once I realized there was
no possible future in this relationship,
254
00:14:32,685 --> 00:14:34,880
- I just decided to go for it.
- Awesome.
255
00:14:34,987 --> 00:14:39,583
Okay, big question, what pose
will you display your Naked Man in?
256
00:14:40,126 --> 00:14:41,093
Huh.
257
00:14:41,260 --> 00:14:43,421
That is a big question.
I hadn't really thought about it.
258
00:14:43,529 --> 00:14:45,724
I was thinking the Superman.
259
00:14:47,967 --> 00:14:50,527
What about the Captain Morgan?
260
00:14:52,538 --> 00:14:55,439
How about the
"Oops, I didn't see you there"?
261
00:14:57,376 --> 00:14:58,741
The Thinker.
262
00:14:59,912 --> 00:15:01,777
What about the Heisman?
263
00:15:02,915 --> 00:15:04,246
Mr. Clean.
264
00:15:06,719 --> 00:15:08,346
The Burt Reynolds.
265
00:15:15,995 --> 00:15:18,259
It's so great to see you again.
266
00:15:21,300 --> 00:15:23,894
I really had a great time last night.
267
00:15:29,008 --> 00:15:31,704
So, what is it like managing a CPK?
268
00:15:31,811 --> 00:15:33,710
I mean, whose idea was it
to put a pineapple in the...
269
00:15:33,812 --> 00:15:36,781
Okay, stop right there.
I know what this is.
270
00:15:37,215 --> 00:15:40,207
I've been on this date before.
This is the "I'm not a slut" date.
271
00:15:40,318 --> 00:15:42,946
(CHUCKLES) What? That's crazy.
272
00:15:43,054 --> 00:15:45,818
Usually you read me so well,
but this time you're wrong.
273
00:15:45,924 --> 00:15:47,152
Come on, Robin.
274
00:15:47,259 --> 00:15:51,127
One of us had a good time last night,
and we both know it was me.
275
00:15:51,229 --> 00:15:55,393
Mitchell something, that is just not true.
276
00:15:55,500 --> 00:15:58,367
- Really? How was the sex?
- I didn't hate it.
277
00:15:58,470 --> 00:16:02,167
Robin, you've seen my move. That's it.
278
00:16:03,041 --> 00:16:07,341
I have nothing else to offer you.
I'm broke, I sweat when I eat,
279
00:16:07,445 --> 00:16:09,640
and I'm in, like, five different
fantasy football leagues.
280
00:16:09,748 --> 00:16:12,945
It's all I talk about. Trust me,
you don't want to be around that.
281
00:16:13,051 --> 00:16:15,713
What? Yes, I do.
282
00:16:15,954 --> 00:16:18,286
Look, I didn't just sleep with you
because you were naked.
283
00:16:18,390 --> 00:16:19,948
Yeah, you did.
284
00:16:20,058 --> 00:16:21,923
And now you're trying to pretend
it was something more
285
00:16:22,027 --> 00:16:24,120
to make yourself feel better.
286
00:16:24,229 --> 00:16:27,665
Say what you will,
at least The Naked Man is honest.
287
00:16:29,334 --> 00:16:31,825
What about the old Coppertone Baby?
288
00:16:35,207 --> 00:16:38,108
The Olympic gymnast
who stuck the landing.
289
00:16:38,543 --> 00:16:39,510
(EX CLAIMS)
290
00:16:41,112 --> 00:16:43,342
- Yeah, I got to go.
- Naked Man!
291
00:16:45,317 --> 00:16:46,284
(EXHALES)
292
00:16:46,852 --> 00:16:48,615
You have a really nice place!
293
00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:51,484
Oh, thanks! Coming from you,
that's a real compliment.
294
00:16:51,590 --> 00:16:54,058
I just love that you're an architect.
It's so fascinating.
295
00:16:54,159 --> 00:16:57,925
I could listen to you talk
about structural design all night.
296
00:16:58,663 --> 00:17:00,528
OLDER TED: And then I noticed,
lying on her end table,
297
00:17:00,632 --> 00:17:03,123
a book of love poems by Pablo Neruda.
298
00:17:03,235 --> 00:17:05,601
The same edition I'd had since college.
299
00:17:05,704 --> 00:17:07,672
And it was bookmarked
to my favorite poem.
300
00:17:10,242 --> 00:17:14,576
Maybe I was all wrong about this girl.
Maybe there was a future for us.
301
00:17:16,047 --> 00:17:17,173
Crap!
302
00:17:22,888 --> 00:17:25,413
Here we go.
303
00:17:25,957 --> 00:17:27,720
Pablo Neruda.
304
00:17:28,226 --> 00:17:31,525
(CHUCKLES) Oh. Yeah, that book's a turd.
305
00:17:31,630 --> 00:17:34,497
Some douchey guy I hooked up
with left it here. It's all in Mexican.
306
00:17:36,268 --> 00:17:39,328
You know who writes good poems? Jewel.
307
00:17:39,437 --> 00:17:42,372
Her teeth are crooked
and she lived in a car.
308
00:17:43,241 --> 00:17:44,936
So, she has stuff to write about...
309
00:17:45,043 --> 00:17:46,010
Ta-da!
310
00:17:48,179 --> 00:17:49,146
(GASPS)
311
00:17:58,690 --> 00:17:59,816
Okay.
312
00:18:01,559 --> 00:18:02,992
The Naked Man works.
313
00:18:03,094 --> 00:18:05,289
I just had decent sex
with an awful human being.
314
00:18:05,397 --> 00:18:08,298
- I am back!
- Congratulations, buddy.
315
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:11,665
You're not the only one
who rocked The Naked Man tonight.
316
00:18:12,570 --> 00:18:15,300
You just want to do it
to change the subject.
317
00:18:15,407 --> 00:18:18,706
Yeah. Hey, that's Number 49.
318
00:18:19,611 --> 00:18:23,741
- Did it work?
- It's like I just flossed.
319
00:18:23,848 --> 00:18:27,511
- I love you.
- That's 50.
320
00:18:27,619 --> 00:18:28,847
Oh, yeah.
321
00:18:29,921 --> 00:18:33,049
- Nice! What pose did you go with?
- I went with "I've got boobs."
322
00:18:33,158 --> 00:18:35,126
And she nailed it.
323
00:18:36,695 --> 00:18:39,289
Oh, my God! Guys, guys, guys!
This is him.
324
00:18:39,397 --> 00:18:42,855
- This is The Naked Man.
- Ted, his name is Mitch.
325
00:18:42,968 --> 00:18:47,405
- And he's my boyfriend. So...
- It's okay, Robin. I no longer call slut.
326
00:18:47,505 --> 00:18:48,472
Oh.
327
00:18:48,907 --> 00:18:50,966
- Okay. You can go. We're done.
- Thanks.
328
00:18:51,076 --> 00:18:53,874
No, Mitch, Mitch, I have to thank you.
329
00:18:53,979 --> 00:18:56,174
- We all tried The Naked Man tonight.
- Oh.
330
00:18:56,281 --> 00:18:59,148
Oh! We should see how Barney did.
331
00:19:02,487 --> 00:19:04,819
- Hello?
- Hi, is Barney there?
332
00:19:04,923 --> 00:19:05,890
No.
333
00:19:06,491 --> 00:19:08,959
Oh, my God! What's the matter with you?
334
00:19:09,060 --> 00:19:10,755
- Get out!
- I just have to grab my suit.
335
00:19:10,862 --> 00:19:13,422
- It's very expensive. The tie alone...
- Get out of here right now!
336
00:19:13,531 --> 00:19:17,297
- Get out, you sick son of a bitch!
- All right. Okay. Call me.
337
00:19:18,503 --> 00:19:21,495
And if I see him again, I'm calling the cops.
338
00:19:25,210 --> 00:19:27,269
Two out of three times.
339
00:19:28,213 --> 00:19:32,445
Mitch, I want you to know, this night,
crazy as it was,
340
00:19:32,550 --> 00:19:35,951
- it got me out of my shell.
- That's the beauty of The Naked Man.
341
00:19:36,054 --> 00:19:40,115
It gives you exactly what you need.
No more, no less.
342
00:19:41,593 --> 00:19:46,360
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to replace
one of my fantasy football quarterbacks.
343
00:19:46,464 --> 00:19:48,489
He separated his shoulder!
344
00:19:53,204 --> 00:19:56,071
A toast to Mitch.
345
00:19:58,209 --> 00:20:01,804
By the sum of his parts, he is just a man.
346
00:20:01,913 --> 00:20:04,848
But what he does with those parts,
he becomes so much more.
347
00:20:05,350 --> 00:20:10,151
TED: He may not fit society's definition
of a hero, but he is the hero I needed.
348
00:20:10,255 --> 00:20:12,280
The hero who helped me recover
from the disaster
349
00:20:12,390 --> 00:20:15,553
of my failed almost-marriage
and get back into the game.
350
00:20:15,660 --> 00:20:21,292
He lives in the shadows. Is he a dream?
Truth? Fiction? Damnation? Salvation?
351
00:20:21,399 --> 00:20:26,029
He is all these things, and none of them,
for he is The Naked Man.
352
00:20:29,574 --> 00:20:30,973
WOMAN: Oh, my God!
353
00:20:42,987 --> 00:20:44,545
Oh, thank God.
354
00:20:47,425 --> 00:20:48,392
(CHUCKLING)