1 00:00:01,706 --> 00:00:03,264 OLDER TED: Why do we fight? 2 00:00:03,374 --> 00:00:05,137 What is that thing deep within each of us 3 00:00:05,243 --> 00:00:08,474 that compels us to settle disagreements with our fists? 4 00:00:08,580 --> 00:00:10,913 Whatever it is, it's there right from the beginning. 5 00:00:11,016 --> 00:00:14,542 - Okay, okay, okay. Stop fighting. - Why? 6 00:00:14,652 --> 00:00:19,487 - Because it's stupid and juvenile. - We're six. We are stupid and juvenile. 7 00:00:21,392 --> 00:00:22,381 Okay, okay. 8 00:00:22,895 --> 00:00:27,490 Kids, I've only been in one fight in my life, and this is the story of how it happened. 9 00:00:27,599 --> 00:00:30,125 Now, as you know, I had recently been left at the altar. 10 00:00:30,236 --> 00:00:32,396 And the worst thing about getting left at the altar, 11 00:00:32,504 --> 00:00:36,441 I mean, aside from actually getting left at the altar, was what came next. 12 00:00:36,542 --> 00:00:40,204 A steady, unrelenting, unbearable stream of pity. 13 00:00:40,311 --> 00:00:42,576 Cranberry gin and tonic. 14 00:00:44,816 --> 00:00:46,375 Scotch and soda. 15 00:00:48,554 --> 00:00:49,851 Thank you. 16 00:00:52,858 --> 00:00:58,022 - Can I see a menu? - Ted, I'm going to go get you a menu, 17 00:00:58,129 --> 00:01:01,361 but I promise you, I will come back. 18 00:01:04,737 --> 00:01:07,001 Okay, we have to start going someplace else. 19 00:01:07,106 --> 00:01:10,372 At this bar, I'm always gonna be the guy who got left at the altar. 20 00:01:10,477 --> 00:01:13,104 - That sucks! - (CHUCKLES) Good times. 21 00:01:13,345 --> 00:01:15,711 - Uh-oh. We lost Barney. - What do you mean? 22 00:01:15,814 --> 00:01:18,078 There's a girl over there in a tight red sweater. 23 00:01:18,183 --> 00:01:21,152 So he's not listening to a word anyone's saying. Right, Barney? 24 00:01:21,253 --> 00:01:22,846 Gimme a break! 25 00:01:22,956 --> 00:01:25,685 See, he figured out a while back he could fake an entire conversation 26 00:01:25,791 --> 00:01:28,625 just by saying titles of black sitcoms from the '70s and '80s. 27 00:01:28,728 --> 00:01:31,457 - What's happening? - Hey, Barney, 28 00:01:31,564 --> 00:01:35,262 want to go upstairs and do stuff to me that I won't even let Marshall do? 29 00:01:35,468 --> 00:01:37,662 Huh. Different strokes. 30 00:01:39,973 --> 00:01:41,338 What the hell is this? 31 00:01:41,441 --> 00:01:43,204 OLDER TED: I've told you kids about Doug, right? 32 00:01:43,310 --> 00:01:44,901 I haven't? Oh, well. 33 00:01:45,711 --> 00:01:47,839 Doug Martin was a bartender at MacLaren's. 34 00:01:47,948 --> 00:01:49,643 He was always kind of around. 35 00:01:49,749 --> 00:01:51,010 Have you met Ted? 36 00:01:51,116 --> 00:01:52,880 No. No, no, no. We're not playing, "Have you met Ted?" 37 00:01:52,986 --> 00:01:56,319 - Am I dead? Am I dead? - Hey. 38 00:01:56,423 --> 00:01:59,221 Tonight, I pick up a lesbian. 39 00:01:59,826 --> 00:02:02,488 Anyway, three things you need to know about Doug. 40 00:02:02,596 --> 00:02:05,258 The first thing is that Doug had a bit of a violent streak. 41 00:02:05,365 --> 00:02:07,697 ...crumbled, so he's on the ground, right? And we're just kicking him, 42 00:02:07,801 --> 00:02:11,259 just putting the boots to him. Yeah, he's making that face, all shaking. 43 00:02:11,371 --> 00:02:14,340 So, anyway, what we did was, we left him there. 44 00:02:15,108 --> 00:02:16,474 Top you up? 45 00:02:17,277 --> 00:02:21,145 The second thing is that he was weird about his hair. 46 00:02:21,247 --> 00:02:23,478 - What? - What? 47 00:02:23,584 --> 00:02:27,645 - Are you looking at my hair? - No, sir. I was not. 48 00:02:28,456 --> 00:02:30,048 It's a toupee. 49 00:02:31,124 --> 00:02:34,652 Is that funny? You want to laugh it up? Is it funny, guy? 50 00:02:34,762 --> 00:02:36,286 I tell you what, why don't you grab it? 51 00:02:36,397 --> 00:02:37,727 - Excuse me? - Yeah, go ahead, grab it. 52 00:02:37,831 --> 00:02:42,360 Grab it right off my head. Go ahead. You don't want to grab it? Come on. 53 00:02:42,470 --> 00:02:45,131 Come on, go ahead and grab it. Want to grab it off my head? 54 00:02:45,239 --> 00:02:47,901 Grab my toupee right off my head. 55 00:02:50,143 --> 00:02:51,543 (ALL LAUGHING) 56 00:02:52,747 --> 00:02:54,544 I like you guys! 57 00:02:55,116 --> 00:02:57,846 But the third thing is that he was very loyal to his regulars. 58 00:02:57,952 --> 00:02:59,852 - Hey, hey! There they are! - Hey, man. 59 00:02:59,954 --> 00:03:01,114 Hey, you guys want your booth? 60 00:03:01,222 --> 00:03:03,315 - No. We're fine over here. - Yeah? Yeah? Yeah. 61 00:03:03,424 --> 00:03:04,482 Maybe a little too loyal. 62 00:03:04,592 --> 00:03:06,457 - No. No. - No, it's fine, it's fine. 63 00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:10,724 Okay, you two lovebirds, let's take this somewhere else. Booth's reserved. 64 00:03:10,831 --> 00:03:12,458 Let's go! Now! Come on! 65 00:03:12,566 --> 00:03:16,128 Give me some hustle, Father! Up you get. Okay, guys, here we are. 66 00:03:17,071 --> 00:03:18,470 So, that's Doug. 67 00:03:18,572 --> 00:03:19,698 What the hell is this? 68 00:03:19,807 --> 00:03:24,335 Oh. Some guys are sitting in our booth. But you know what? This is fine. 69 00:03:25,579 --> 00:03:26,546 (LAUGHS) 70 00:03:27,082 --> 00:03:31,211 - It's cool, I'll take care of it. Okay? - Oh, boy, there he goes. 71 00:03:31,318 --> 00:03:33,810 MAN 1: It's not... MAN 2: Why are you yelling at us? 72 00:03:35,157 --> 00:03:37,147 - Okay, let's go. - Okay, okay. 73 00:03:38,626 --> 00:03:41,095 Ladies, if you'll please adjourn to your usual booth. 74 00:03:41,196 --> 00:03:43,629 Gentlemen, I will require your assistance outside. 75 00:03:43,731 --> 00:03:44,721 Our assistance with what? 76 00:03:44,833 --> 00:03:47,734 We're going to go out in the alley and fight those guys. 77 00:03:47,836 --> 00:03:49,235 What's happening now? 78 00:03:49,259 --> 00:03:55,259 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 79 00:04:03,685 --> 00:04:05,277 I'm sorry, did you just say... 80 00:04:05,387 --> 00:04:08,049 Those guys are being inconsiderate, okay? 81 00:04:08,156 --> 00:04:10,989 So we're going to go outside and cave in their skulls, okay? 82 00:04:11,093 --> 00:04:12,822 This will be fun! 83 00:04:15,231 --> 00:04:19,064 He wants us to fight? Like, with our hands and stuff? 84 00:04:19,167 --> 00:04:21,864 And feet, maybe? I don't know what the rules are. 85 00:04:21,971 --> 00:04:25,770 - Wow, a fight. Should we go out there? - Come on, Ted. 86 00:04:25,874 --> 00:04:30,174 There's only three things you'll ever see me fight. The stubborn clasp of a bra, 87 00:04:30,278 --> 00:04:34,238 sexual harassment charges, nine for nine, 88 00:04:34,350 --> 00:04:39,151 and the urge to vomit when I see someone wearing brown shoes with a black suit. 89 00:04:40,923 --> 00:04:43,152 - Marshall? - Dude, fighting is for losers. 90 00:04:43,258 --> 00:04:46,160 We're civilized guys. Civilized guys don't fight. 91 00:04:46,262 --> 00:04:49,355 Unless it's with lightsabers. But that's like three to five years away, so... 92 00:04:49,464 --> 00:04:52,957 - Well, that's not true. - Robin, I'm on the forums every day. 93 00:04:53,069 --> 00:04:54,468 Three to five Thanksgivings from now, 94 00:04:54,570 --> 00:04:58,006 I'm gonna be carving the turkey with Old Green. 95 00:04:58,241 --> 00:05:01,733 No, I'm saying there are plenty of legitimate reasons to get in a fight. 96 00:05:01,844 --> 00:05:03,141 It might not be pretty, 97 00:05:03,246 --> 00:05:05,806 but in certain situations, you gotta do what you gotta do. 98 00:05:05,915 --> 00:05:09,180 Oh. Right, I forgot. She thinks fighting's sexy. 99 00:05:09,285 --> 00:05:11,116 No, I do not, a lot. 100 00:05:12,622 --> 00:05:14,523 Look, I come from a culture of hockey players. 101 00:05:14,625 --> 00:05:18,458 If a guy can throw down, it's somewhat way hot. 102 00:05:19,095 --> 00:05:23,555 And scars, hello! If a guy's got a scar, he's got a Robin. 103 00:05:23,666 --> 00:05:26,830 And if he's missing teeth, I'm missing my pants. 104 00:05:28,005 --> 00:05:30,165 I'm missing my wisdom teeth. 105 00:05:30,773 --> 00:05:35,574 Outpatient procedure. Local anesthesia. Whatever. It ain't a thing. 106 00:05:37,614 --> 00:05:38,876 Look, maybe we should go out there. 107 00:05:38,982 --> 00:05:41,950 I can't believe we're even having this discussion. 108 00:05:42,051 --> 00:05:45,613 Ted, you're 30. You're too old to act like this. 109 00:05:45,722 --> 00:05:48,952 OLDER TED: I was 30, and in those 30 years I'd been punched once. 110 00:05:49,425 --> 00:05:51,553 There's a very simple... 111 00:05:52,129 --> 00:05:53,255 There was that thing at camp. 112 00:05:53,564 --> 00:05:56,397 Today, we're going to braid friendship bracelets. 113 00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:57,589 (GRUNTING) 114 00:05:57,701 --> 00:05:59,635 In college, I studied some kung fu. 115 00:06:03,540 --> 00:06:05,337 (LAUGHING) 116 00:06:05,876 --> 00:06:07,435 And, well, there was some other stuff. 117 00:06:07,745 --> 00:06:08,711 (GRUNTING) 118 00:06:09,046 --> 00:06:10,240 Come on. Come... 119 00:06:10,714 --> 00:06:11,681 (BLEATING) 120 00:06:12,416 --> 00:06:14,146 The thing with the goat wasn't for another few months. 121 00:06:14,751 --> 00:06:16,582 The point is, I had never been in a fight. 122 00:06:16,687 --> 00:06:18,678 - I'm going out there. - No! 123 00:06:18,789 --> 00:06:21,553 Listen to me, please, trust me. I've been in plenty of fights. 124 00:06:21,658 --> 00:06:23,888 It's really nothing to be proud of. 125 00:06:23,994 --> 00:06:27,089 - Who did you get in a fight with? - My brothers. 126 00:06:27,198 --> 00:06:28,687 (LAUGHING) 127 00:06:29,499 --> 00:06:32,663 Yes, I'm sure that was quite a rumble in the Eriksen rumpus room. 128 00:06:32,770 --> 00:06:33,737 (ALL LAUGHING) 129 00:06:34,105 --> 00:06:35,594 I love brotherly horseplay! 130 00:06:35,706 --> 00:06:39,199 - Here comes the tickle monster! - Noogie patrol! 131 00:06:40,211 --> 00:06:42,804 Wait, wait, wait! Timesies! Timesies! 132 00:06:43,481 --> 00:06:44,846 Cocoa break. 133 00:06:48,385 --> 00:06:49,978 Cocoa break. 134 00:06:51,389 --> 00:06:56,258 - Okay, it's clobbering time. - Ted, don't do this, you're a nice guy. 135 00:06:56,361 --> 00:06:58,829 - That's your best quality. - Is it? 136 00:06:58,930 --> 00:07:01,398 'Cause I seem to remember this nice guy getting dumped by his fiancée 137 00:07:01,499 --> 00:07:05,367 for a tae kwon do instructor. Look, this may sound crazy, 138 00:07:05,470 --> 00:07:09,930 but I think I need to do this. I think this is an experience I need to have. 139 00:07:10,041 --> 00:07:11,338 I'm going. 140 00:07:15,146 --> 00:07:16,340 Me, too! 141 00:07:18,784 --> 00:07:22,776 Guys, take a good look at this face, because the next time you see it, 142 00:07:22,887 --> 00:07:26,756 it will be disfigured in the hottest possible way. 143 00:07:26,859 --> 00:07:29,326 'Cause that's who I am, I'm a man. 144 00:07:29,994 --> 00:07:33,226 I like to fight and mix it up and get all dirty. 145 00:07:34,532 --> 00:07:37,263 Could you find a wood hanger for this? 146 00:07:39,738 --> 00:07:40,704 (PANTING) 147 00:07:41,539 --> 00:07:43,906 - Whoa! What happened here? - I know, right? 148 00:07:44,009 --> 00:07:47,967 Who's not looking at my toupee now? Look what we did to these guys. 149 00:07:48,079 --> 00:07:49,570 - We? - Yeah, we. 150 00:07:49,682 --> 00:07:53,379 Come on, man, we're a good team. Nice work, boys, we did it! 151 00:07:53,485 --> 00:07:56,147 No, no, you did it. We didn't do anything. 152 00:07:56,255 --> 00:08:00,658 (LAUGHS) Okay, yeah. Yeah, sure, I just beat up three guys by myself. 153 00:08:00,759 --> 00:08:06,323 You guys. That's good. You and you, free drinks for life. 154 00:08:11,337 --> 00:08:15,831 - He thinks we were in this fight with him. - We were in this fight with him. 155 00:08:15,941 --> 00:08:18,035 And now we are going to go in there and tell everyone 156 00:08:18,144 --> 00:08:21,271 the legendary tale of how we beat up some guys. 157 00:08:21,380 --> 00:08:22,870 And everyone is going to think it's great 158 00:08:22,982 --> 00:08:24,780 and everyone is going to sleep with me again. 159 00:08:24,884 --> 00:08:28,148 Dude, come on, no one is gonna believe we were in a fight, look at us. 160 00:08:28,253 --> 00:08:29,811 That's a good... 161 00:08:29,990 --> 00:08:30,979 (EX CLAIMS) 162 00:08:31,091 --> 00:08:33,854 - What are you doing? - What I should've done a long time ago. 163 00:08:33,959 --> 00:08:36,360 - What? - I don't know. I just hit myself in the eye! 164 00:08:36,463 --> 00:08:37,725 I don't even know what I'm saying! 165 00:08:37,831 --> 00:08:38,798 (GROANS) 166 00:08:39,766 --> 00:08:41,825 I throw an awesome right hook, by the way. 167 00:08:41,935 --> 00:08:43,698 - Okay, are you ready? - To go back in? 168 00:08:43,803 --> 00:08:44,792 No, for this. 169 00:08:44,904 --> 00:08:45,871 (GRUNTS) 170 00:08:45,972 --> 00:08:46,938 (EX CLAIMING) 171 00:08:48,141 --> 00:08:49,608 You just punched me in the nose! 172 00:08:49,709 --> 00:08:51,574 - Are you crying? - Yes, I'm crying! 173 00:08:51,678 --> 00:08:53,942 You just punched me in the nose. 174 00:08:54,047 --> 00:08:56,607 Oh, that's going to swell up real good. You're gonna look like Owen Wilson. 175 00:08:56,716 --> 00:08:57,740 Okay, let's get back in there. 176 00:08:57,851 --> 00:09:00,649 Okay, but just, let's play this down, okay? 177 00:09:00,754 --> 00:09:02,278 (CRYING) I don't want this to turn into a big thing. 178 00:09:02,389 --> 00:09:03,913 Yeah. 179 00:09:04,257 --> 00:09:07,283 DOUG: And Ted comes and takes his shoe off! Hits him in the mouth... 180 00:09:07,394 --> 00:09:09,589 Hey, there they are! The guys that got my back! 181 00:09:09,696 --> 00:09:11,163 (ALL CHEERING) 182 00:09:23,243 --> 00:09:26,178 You two got in a fight. Really? 183 00:09:26,579 --> 00:09:28,479 No, Barney punched me and himself in the face 184 00:09:28,581 --> 00:09:32,177 to make it look like we got in a fight. Come on, Marshall. 185 00:09:32,319 --> 00:09:34,843 Wow. Look at your eye. 186 00:09:34,954 --> 00:09:36,820 You look like a badass. 187 00:09:37,491 --> 00:09:41,450 I'm surprised to see you had it in me. You. Had it in you. 188 00:09:42,997 --> 00:09:45,727 Do you want to touch it? 189 00:09:48,602 --> 00:09:49,796 (EX CLAIMS) 190 00:09:50,104 --> 00:09:51,935 Oh, my God, it's warm. 191 00:09:53,374 --> 00:09:55,342 Hey, victory drinks. 192 00:09:56,343 --> 00:09:59,540 Free! Free! Free! 193 00:09:59,647 --> 00:10:01,706 Free! $7.50. 194 00:10:02,883 --> 00:10:06,512 - Why do I have to pay? - 'Cause you don't got my back. 195 00:10:06,620 --> 00:10:08,781 - These guys got my back. - Okay, you know what, Doug? 196 00:10:08,889 --> 00:10:11,916 I will gladly pay. And you know why? Because that's what grownups do. 197 00:10:12,027 --> 00:10:14,688 They pay for their drinks and they don't get into fights. 198 00:10:14,795 --> 00:10:16,991 You know what I was doing while you were out there being immature? 199 00:10:17,099 --> 00:10:18,998 - I'll tell you what I was doing. - Your nails? 200 00:10:19,100 --> 00:10:20,089 (SARCASTIC LAUGH) 201 00:10:20,201 --> 00:10:21,395 No. I was doing... 202 00:10:21,502 --> 00:10:23,937 The relationship quiz in this month's Cosmo? 203 00:10:24,039 --> 00:10:25,301 No. I was doing... 204 00:10:25,407 --> 00:10:27,636 Your best not to cry when Big came back for Carrie 205 00:10:27,741 --> 00:10:31,701 - at the end of the Sex and the City movie? - No. Spoilers much? No. 206 00:10:31,813 --> 00:10:33,109 I'll tell you what I was doing... 207 00:10:33,214 --> 00:10:35,945 The captain of the football team, because he gave you his promise ring 208 00:10:36,051 --> 00:10:38,951 and you looked so pretty in your open-back homecoming dress? 209 00:10:39,053 --> 00:10:40,281 (ALL LAUGHING) 210 00:10:41,790 --> 00:10:42,916 Sorry. 211 00:10:44,359 --> 00:10:46,087 I hate those guys. 212 00:10:46,193 --> 00:10:48,355 Acting like they're the manliest guys in the universe, 213 00:10:48,463 --> 00:10:51,694 like they're Crocodile Dundee and David Hasselhoff. 214 00:10:51,867 --> 00:10:53,732 Those are the manliest guys in the universe? 215 00:10:53,835 --> 00:10:55,962 I don't understand why they're getting all this attention. 216 00:10:56,071 --> 00:10:59,768 - I mean, I'm the real hero here. - Yeah, you are. 217 00:10:59,875 --> 00:11:02,844 I'm serious, woman. Put it back in your pants. 218 00:11:03,945 --> 00:11:07,813 Marshall, you're the man every boy should grow up to become 219 00:11:07,916 --> 00:11:10,009 and every girl should marry. 220 00:11:11,053 --> 00:11:14,818 You know what? I have two kids in my class who won't stop fighting. 221 00:11:14,923 --> 00:11:17,586 If you come to school tomorrow and tell them your story 222 00:11:17,693 --> 00:11:21,788 of choosing the path of nonviolence, it might really set them straight. 223 00:11:21,897 --> 00:11:25,424 And save me having to get up early to make a lesson plan. 224 00:11:25,967 --> 00:11:29,495 All right. Okay. I'll set them straight. 225 00:11:29,639 --> 00:11:32,539 - You're a wuss. - What? No. 226 00:11:33,275 --> 00:11:36,803 Mahatma Panda and Martin Luther Koala are telling you kids this story 227 00:11:36,913 --> 00:11:39,938 - to illustrate... - To illustrate that you're a wuss? 228 00:11:40,048 --> 00:11:42,279 Why didn't you just fight those guys? 229 00:11:42,385 --> 00:11:44,580 - Were you scared? - What? 230 00:11:44,687 --> 00:11:45,675 (EX CLAIMS) 231 00:11:45,787 --> 00:11:48,552 No. I wasn't scared. 232 00:11:48,658 --> 00:11:51,820 - I've been in plenty of fights, okay? - You're huge. 233 00:11:51,927 --> 00:11:54,863 You must weigh like a thousand pounds. 234 00:11:55,531 --> 00:11:59,627 Okay, first of all, I'm wearing a baggy sweater, 235 00:11:59,735 --> 00:12:02,033 and it has horizontal stripes. 236 00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:05,107 And I also... I had a salty lunch... And so I'm retain... 237 00:12:05,208 --> 00:12:08,006 - You know what? Shut up! - Wuss! Wuss! Wuss! 238 00:12:08,110 --> 00:12:09,202 (ALL SCREAMING) 239 00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:11,613 (CHEERING) 240 00:12:14,650 --> 00:12:18,086 Wow. So, you just beat those guys up? 241 00:12:18,654 --> 00:12:19,621 Just? 242 00:12:19,722 --> 00:12:20,689 (BOTH LAUGHING) 243 00:12:21,190 --> 00:12:25,388 Amanda, were it so simple. You see, hand-to-hand combat 244 00:12:25,494 --> 00:12:28,191 is about so much more than just administering brute force 245 00:12:28,298 --> 00:12:30,732 - on your opponent, right, B? - You know! 246 00:12:30,834 --> 00:12:32,323 It's a science. 247 00:12:33,035 --> 00:12:35,266 The sweet science, as it were. 248 00:12:35,372 --> 00:12:38,829 Wait, I'm confused. What did those guys do to deserve it? 249 00:12:38,941 --> 00:12:41,342 Well, this may sound petty, 250 00:12:42,412 --> 00:12:44,675 - but they sat in our booth. - They sat in our booth. 251 00:12:44,780 --> 00:12:46,339 - And nobody... - Nobody. 252 00:12:46,450 --> 00:12:49,908 ...sits in our booth. It's been taken. 253 00:12:51,488 --> 00:12:54,719 Uh-oh. Are you gonna beat those guys up? 254 00:12:55,993 --> 00:12:56,960 Um... 255 00:12:58,662 --> 00:13:02,120 Yes, we are gonna beat those guys up. Ted, come on. 256 00:13:05,035 --> 00:13:09,096 You two. Our booth. Get out. Now! 257 00:13:09,273 --> 00:13:11,332 - What are you doing? - Relax, we got Doug. 258 00:13:11,441 --> 00:13:14,467 - Big Doug's got our backs. - Doug's not here tonight. 259 00:13:14,578 --> 00:13:18,241 Can I get you guys anything? Drinks? Cash? Those two girls over there? 260 00:13:18,749 --> 00:13:20,444 Are you Ted Mosby? 261 00:13:21,286 --> 00:13:24,186 - Yeah, I am. - And you're Barney Stinson? 262 00:13:24,288 --> 00:13:26,950 They've heard of us. It's cool, guys. 263 00:13:27,057 --> 00:13:30,322 We'll let you leave with your asses unkicked. 264 00:13:30,427 --> 00:13:32,861 This time. A'ight? 265 00:13:34,832 --> 00:13:37,629 - What's this? - You've been served. 266 00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:41,501 You're being sued for assault. Enjoy your booth. 267 00:13:46,577 --> 00:13:47,544 (SIGHS) 268 00:13:47,679 --> 00:13:49,169 That was close. 269 00:13:53,518 --> 00:13:55,918 Assault! They're suing us for assault! 270 00:13:56,020 --> 00:13:59,888 Okay, what's the penalty for assault? What, do I have to pay a fine? 271 00:13:59,991 --> 00:14:04,189 Pick up trash on the highway? 'Cause I've done that before, know what I mean? 272 00:14:04,295 --> 00:14:05,455 I don't know. 273 00:14:05,563 --> 00:14:07,793 OLDER TED: Actually, he did know that the worst we were looking at 274 00:14:07,899 --> 00:14:11,027 was a small civil settlement and probably no criminal charges. 275 00:14:11,135 --> 00:14:12,659 But he was really pissed at us. 276 00:14:12,770 --> 00:14:15,831 I mean, you guys could be looking at some serious prison time. 277 00:14:15,941 --> 00:14:18,170 - Prison? - I can't go to prison. 278 00:14:18,876 --> 00:14:22,745 I mean, I could get a lot of reading done, finally write some short stories. 279 00:14:22,848 --> 00:14:25,975 Work out all the time. Seriously, if I don't come out of there completely ripped... 280 00:14:26,084 --> 00:14:30,612 Ted, we can't go to prison. People get shivved in the joint. 281 00:14:31,889 --> 00:14:34,358 Plus, the meals are really starchy. 282 00:14:34,660 --> 00:14:38,756 Well, you guys should have thought of that before you beat up those guys. 283 00:14:40,499 --> 00:14:42,057 What if we didn't? 284 00:14:42,167 --> 00:14:43,929 - Didn't what, Ted? - Didn't beat up those guys. 285 00:14:44,035 --> 00:14:46,527 What if Doug beat up those guys all by himself and we didn't do anything? 286 00:14:46,638 --> 00:14:50,004 I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! 287 00:14:50,108 --> 00:14:54,773 - You guys didn't throw a single punch. - Well, I hit Ted and myself, so... 288 00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:59,112 Well, who's the wuss now? Answer? You guys. 289 00:14:59,218 --> 00:15:02,382 - Look, can you just help us get out of this? - You know the old expression, 290 00:15:02,489 --> 00:15:05,480 "If you're not prepared to do the time don't pretend to do the crime 291 00:15:05,591 --> 00:15:09,050 "and laugh and get free drinks and not stand up for your friend 292 00:15:09,162 --> 00:15:12,756 "who, incidentally, has been in plenty of fights with his brothers." 293 00:15:12,865 --> 00:15:14,163 (BOTH LAUGHING) 294 00:15:15,001 --> 00:15:17,366 Look, you've got to help us out, Marshall. 295 00:15:17,469 --> 00:15:20,132 - We're the Three Musketeers. - Yeah. 296 00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:23,402 If I give up Ted, how much time am I looking at? 297 00:15:23,509 --> 00:15:25,067 - Hey, guys. - Hey. 298 00:15:25,177 --> 00:15:26,236 Hey. 299 00:15:26,613 --> 00:15:29,706 Hey, Barney. I've been looking for you. 300 00:15:30,749 --> 00:15:35,414 I got tickets to this hockey game tonight. It's stupid. You want to go? 301 00:15:35,522 --> 00:15:38,491 It might go kind of late, so maybe after the game we can grab a drink? 302 00:15:38,591 --> 00:15:41,856 Oh, hey, Robin, get this. You know that fight? 303 00:15:42,728 --> 00:15:45,095 These guys faked the whole thing. 304 00:15:49,334 --> 00:15:50,302 (LAUGHS) 305 00:15:50,637 --> 00:15:51,797 Oh. Oh. 306 00:15:51,905 --> 00:15:54,169 I forgot. Tonight is no good. 307 00:15:54,274 --> 00:15:57,869 I can't go to that hockey game tonight, I got that... 308 00:15:59,379 --> 00:16:03,110 That... That... 309 00:16:05,385 --> 00:16:06,545 That... 310 00:16:09,055 --> 00:16:11,785 That... That... 311 00:16:17,163 --> 00:16:19,290 Good news. I talked to the guys. 312 00:16:19,399 --> 00:16:21,493 - What guys? - The guys you didn't beat up. 313 00:16:21,602 --> 00:16:22,863 They agreed to drop the lawsuit. 314 00:16:22,969 --> 00:16:24,027 Boom! 315 00:16:24,137 --> 00:16:26,504 - Lawyered. - What? They agreed to drop it? 316 00:16:26,607 --> 00:16:29,803 Yeah, I just explained that you two are wusses. 317 00:16:29,909 --> 00:16:32,572 We had a good laugh about that. A good long laugh, actually. 318 00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:35,807 I explained how you get a mani-pedi once a month. 319 00:16:35,915 --> 00:16:38,407 Weekly, Wolverine. Some of us care. 320 00:16:38,719 --> 00:16:41,313 And how you played the hammer dulcimer 321 00:16:41,422 --> 00:16:44,050 in the Pre-Reformation Dance Society at Wesleyan. 322 00:16:44,158 --> 00:16:45,318 Did you at least tell them 323 00:16:45,426 --> 00:16:48,792 we were one of the premier medieval chamber groups in the Little lvies? 324 00:16:48,895 --> 00:16:49,954 Oh, I did. 325 00:16:50,064 --> 00:16:53,056 And we all agreed it was much more likely that one guy beat up the three of them 326 00:16:53,167 --> 00:16:56,568 than that you two had anything to do with it, so... 327 00:16:56,937 --> 00:17:01,307 - Wait, so now they're only suing Doug? - Affirmative. 328 00:17:01,409 --> 00:17:04,969 Angry, irrational, violent Doug, 329 00:17:05,079 --> 00:17:08,742 who now knows we were the ones who threw him under the bus. 330 00:17:09,116 --> 00:17:10,105 They what? 331 00:17:11,252 --> 00:17:14,416 - Look, Doug, we can explain... - Explain what? 332 00:17:14,523 --> 00:17:17,457 Explain how you stabbed me in the back right to my face? 333 00:17:17,558 --> 00:17:20,687 - Robin, I'm scared. - Yeah. Is Doug seeing anyone? 334 00:17:20,829 --> 00:17:23,388 Are you seeing anyone? You really should. 335 00:17:23,497 --> 00:17:27,934 Doug, look, you don't understand, you beat up those guys all by yourself. 336 00:17:28,035 --> 00:17:30,265 It's true, all right? They had nothing to do with it. 337 00:17:30,371 --> 00:17:33,034 I mean, look at these two. 338 00:17:35,009 --> 00:17:36,533 (SHRIEKING) It was all Ted! 339 00:17:38,446 --> 00:17:40,380 - Look at this guy. - Yeah, look at me. 340 00:17:40,482 --> 00:17:43,747 - He wouldn't last five minutes in a fight. - I think I could last at least five... 341 00:17:43,852 --> 00:17:46,286 He's got the muscle definition of linguini. 342 00:17:46,388 --> 00:17:50,085 (SCOFFS) Yeah, linguini with meatballs, maybe. Check it. 343 00:17:50,191 --> 00:17:51,556 Ted. Ted. 344 00:17:51,660 --> 00:17:53,093 - Look! - Don't. 345 00:17:53,695 --> 00:17:56,220 Okay, you know what? Maybe it was just me. 346 00:17:56,331 --> 00:17:57,628 Actually, you know what? That makes a lot of sense. 347 00:17:57,732 --> 00:18:01,759 I tend to black out a lot. Anyway, look, I always got your back. 348 00:18:02,637 --> 00:18:07,007 All I ask in return is that you got mine. But you know what? You don't. 349 00:18:07,943 --> 00:18:13,246 You can't be counted on. No wonder your fiancée left you. 350 00:18:13,349 --> 00:18:16,647 OLDER TED: And here it is, kids, the only fight I've ever been in. 351 00:18:16,751 --> 00:18:19,550 So what can I share about the experience? 352 00:18:21,423 --> 00:18:25,292 Well, for starters, when you punch someone in the face, 353 00:18:25,394 --> 00:18:28,624 it hurts your hand a lot. 354 00:18:30,900 --> 00:18:33,368 But what hurts even more than that? 355 00:18:33,903 --> 00:18:34,891 This. 356 00:18:36,137 --> 00:18:39,005 And the next thing I remember was waking up. 357 00:18:39,375 --> 00:18:42,344 Okay, I'm all warmed up. Let's do this thing. 358 00:18:43,379 --> 00:18:46,507 TED: Turns out getting in a fight was a terrible idea. 359 00:18:46,716 --> 00:18:50,311 - And that's my story. - And what did you learn? 360 00:18:50,419 --> 00:18:54,822 Well, I learned that fighting is bad 361 00:18:54,924 --> 00:18:59,088 - and you shouldn't do it, ever. - Any questions? 362 00:18:59,595 --> 00:19:00,619 Yeah. 363 00:19:00,730 --> 00:19:04,097 - Where do you find these people? - I know! 364 00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:06,396 Was there a big sale at the wuss market? 365 00:19:06,503 --> 00:19:08,561 - Wuss! Wuss! Wuss! - Wuss! Wuss! Wuss! 366 00:19:09,538 --> 00:19:11,631 OLDER TED: Of course, I didn't tell those kids what really happened. 367 00:19:13,377 --> 00:19:16,641 Okay, I'm all warmed up. Let's do this thing. 368 00:19:18,248 --> 00:19:21,444 - What happened? - This happened. 369 00:19:25,422 --> 00:19:27,013 Holy crap! 370 00:19:27,490 --> 00:19:29,481 OLDER TED: Yeah, turns out Uncle Marshall and his brothers 371 00:19:29,592 --> 00:19:30,958 did a little more than just roughhouse. 372 00:19:31,361 --> 00:19:33,954 (MURDER TRAIN BY THE FORESKINS PLAYING) 373 00:19:38,168 --> 00:19:39,533 Cocoa break! 374 00:19:39,969 --> 00:19:41,231 (LAUGHING) 375 00:19:48,679 --> 00:19:52,809 - Marshall looks good. Has he lost weight? - Bitch, don't even... 376 00:19:54,251 --> 00:19:55,946 OLDER TED: Kids, I'd love to leave you with the message 377 00:19:56,053 --> 00:19:58,146 that fighting is bad and you shouldn't do it, 378 00:19:58,255 --> 00:19:59,813 but I know that's pointless. 379 00:19:59,923 --> 00:20:03,984 So, I'll leave you with this. Don't ever get in a fight with Uncle Marshall. 380 00:20:04,094 --> 00:20:06,086 That guy's freaking crazy. 381 00:20:11,602 --> 00:20:13,501 It is so good to be home. 382 00:20:13,603 --> 00:20:16,333 Mom, Lily, fantastic job. 383 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:18,909 Good food, good meat, good God, let's eat. Right? 384 00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:21,204 Okay, here we go. Goggles on. 385 00:20:26,817 --> 00:20:29,343 All right, so, you guys pass the plates. 386 00:20:29,454 --> 00:20:32,014 - Lily, you want white or dark meat? - Dark! 387 00:20:32,123 --> 00:20:34,113 Honey, please be careful.