1 00:00:01,509 --> 00:00:04,706 OLDER TED: In March of 2009, I'd been dating my high school girlfriend Karen 2 00:00:04,813 --> 00:00:05,905 for a few weeks. 3 00:00:06,014 --> 00:00:07,846 My friends could not have been less excited. 4 00:00:07,950 --> 00:00:10,418 - Hey, everybody. - ALL: Hello. 5 00:00:10,519 --> 00:00:12,009 Sorry, we can't stay long. 6 00:00:12,121 --> 00:00:13,110 (ALL EX CLAIM) 7 00:00:13,222 --> 00:00:14,712 - What a shame! - That is sad! 8 00:00:14,824 --> 00:00:16,485 Hey, are those real diamond earrings? 9 00:00:16,592 --> 00:00:19,619 Yes. Yes, they are. Thank you. 10 00:00:19,730 --> 00:00:21,789 I didn't say I liked them. 11 00:00:21,899 --> 00:00:24,424 Oh, well, I got a great deal on them, so... 12 00:00:24,534 --> 00:00:27,299 Cool. I'm sure all the exploited diamond miners in Sierra Leone 13 00:00:27,405 --> 00:00:30,203 would give you a high-five if they still had all their fingers, 14 00:00:30,308 --> 00:00:32,242 but really pretty. 15 00:00:32,343 --> 00:00:34,004 Meet me upstairs. 16 00:00:34,145 --> 00:00:36,511 They only need one finger to give her what I'm thinking. 17 00:00:36,614 --> 00:00:39,709 Yeah. Ted, Karen's a douche. 18 00:00:39,818 --> 00:00:41,410 Wow. Thanks for sugarcoating it. 19 00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:43,215 "Douche" is sugarcoating it. 20 00:00:43,455 --> 00:00:47,391 Okay, believe it or not, my friends do not get a vote on who I date. 21 00:00:47,493 --> 00:00:49,394 It's my life. I call the shots. 22 00:00:49,496 --> 00:00:51,828 - Ted, now! - Yeah, coming! 23 00:00:52,699 --> 00:00:56,635 I don't know what Ted sees in that horrible woman. 24 00:00:56,870 --> 00:00:59,237 I mean, yeah, she's got boobs, but... 25 00:00:59,340 --> 00:01:00,807 I guess I get it. 26 00:01:00,908 --> 00:01:02,933 I think it's 'cause they met in high school. 27 00:01:03,044 --> 00:01:04,909 She was his first real girlfriend. 28 00:01:05,046 --> 00:01:06,911 We look at Karen and see a jerk. 29 00:01:07,014 --> 00:01:09,313 Ted looks at Karen and sees the first person to touch his wiener 30 00:01:09,418 --> 00:01:12,285 besides himself, his mom and his pediatrician. 31 00:01:12,387 --> 00:01:14,947 Okay, well, it's almost 2:00 a.m. I better get ready for work. 32 00:01:15,057 --> 00:01:18,356 How can they call that thing you're on a morning show? 33 00:01:18,460 --> 00:01:20,793 4:00 a.m. is still the middle of the night. 34 00:01:20,897 --> 00:01:22,387 I don't see how you do it. 35 00:01:22,498 --> 00:01:25,092 It's been almost a month. I'm used to it. 36 00:01:25,201 --> 00:01:27,032 Plus the show's not half bad, right? 37 00:01:27,136 --> 00:01:29,435 - Totally. - We've never seen it. 38 00:01:29,974 --> 00:01:31,339 Have you guys ever watched it? 39 00:01:31,442 --> 00:01:33,137 - Of course! - They've never seen it. 40 00:01:33,243 --> 00:01:34,870 Really? What is your favorite segment? 41 00:01:35,012 --> 00:01:36,070 - Weather. - Never seen it. 42 00:01:36,180 --> 00:01:38,011 - You guys have never seen my show? - Sorry. 43 00:01:38,115 --> 00:01:40,607 - It's true. - That's what I've been saying. 44 00:01:40,719 --> 00:01:44,155 Okay, yes, it's dull and generic and we get spanked in the ratings 45 00:01:44,255 --> 00:01:47,986 by that Korean channel that only shows Kim Jong II riding a horse, 46 00:01:48,093 --> 00:01:51,359 but, guys, it would mean so much to me if just once 47 00:01:51,464 --> 00:01:54,297 I knew my friends were out there watching. 48 00:01:55,368 --> 00:01:56,562 I'll tell you what, 49 00:01:56,669 --> 00:01:59,763 this Friday morning, everyone can come to our place, 3:30 a.m. 50 00:01:59,872 --> 00:02:02,774 We'll all put on PJs. We'll watch Robin's show. 51 00:02:03,443 --> 00:02:05,001 Aw, you guys are the best. 52 00:02:05,112 --> 00:02:06,409 We just want to support you. 53 00:02:07,047 --> 00:02:09,538 (WHINING) I just want to go to sleep. 54 00:02:10,050 --> 00:02:12,815 I hate Robin for not being more successful. 55 00:02:13,621 --> 00:02:14,918 Hey, guys. 56 00:02:15,023 --> 00:02:16,388 (ALL GROANING) 57 00:02:16,491 --> 00:02:19,858 Sad announcement. Karen broke up with me. 58 00:02:22,598 --> 00:02:23,587 Go ahead. 59 00:02:23,699 --> 00:02:25,428 I knew you were listening! Yes! 60 00:02:25,534 --> 00:02:26,626 (WHOOPING) 61 00:02:26,650 --> 00:02:32,650 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 62 00:02:39,549 --> 00:02:40,948 (CHEERING) 63 00:02:41,485 --> 00:02:44,477 Hey, hey, we shouldn't be celebrating. 64 00:02:44,622 --> 00:02:47,386 Ted's just been through a bad breakup. 65 00:02:47,491 --> 00:02:50,085 Look, buddy, tell us everything. Tell us what happened. 66 00:02:50,194 --> 00:02:52,186 Seriously, spare no details. 67 00:02:52,297 --> 00:02:56,233 What did she say? What did you say? How did it feel? 68 00:02:56,601 --> 00:03:00,799 If you were to do it again, all over, would you maybe... 69 00:03:02,341 --> 00:03:05,310 - How did it happen? - (SCOFFS) It was the stupidest thing. 70 00:03:05,411 --> 00:03:09,211 I mean, we were just hanging out, you know, being funny. 71 00:03:09,682 --> 00:03:12,150 You're the fan of 2002 Chiantis. 72 00:03:12,251 --> 00:03:15,847 Ew! No, you're the fan of 2002 Chiantis. 73 00:03:16,223 --> 00:03:18,316 Wait. What is this? 74 00:03:19,226 --> 00:03:22,320 Looks like one of Robin's earrings. Huh! That's weird. 75 00:03:22,496 --> 00:03:24,931 - You're the fan... - How did it get in your bed? 76 00:03:25,033 --> 00:03:26,432 I don't know. 77 00:03:26,568 --> 00:03:29,696 - Have you been sleeping with Robin? - What? No, of course not! 78 00:03:29,804 --> 00:03:32,364 It probably got mixed in with the laundry or something. 79 00:03:32,474 --> 00:03:33,772 Why should I believe you? 80 00:03:33,876 --> 00:03:36,777 Um, maybe because I've always been faithful to you, 81 00:03:36,879 --> 00:03:39,507 while you've cheated on me, like, six times, bitch. 82 00:03:39,615 --> 00:03:40,604 (ALL EX CLAIMING) 83 00:03:40,716 --> 00:03:41,705 - Snap! - Cold-blooded! 84 00:03:41,817 --> 00:03:43,250 Right? Right? 85 00:03:43,954 --> 00:03:45,819 Yeah, I totally should have said that. 86 00:03:46,189 --> 00:03:47,417 Why should I believe you? 87 00:03:47,524 --> 00:03:53,019 Um, maybe because I've always been faithful to you, while you... 88 00:03:53,965 --> 00:03:55,796 I love you. 89 00:03:56,467 --> 00:04:00,801 I knew this was a mistake. That's it. It's over. 90 00:04:02,206 --> 00:04:04,801 And that was it. She left. 91 00:04:04,910 --> 00:04:08,846 (SIGHS) What a story. So brave of you to share that. 92 00:04:08,947 --> 00:04:13,680 Wait. Those are your pajamas? You sleep in a pajama suit? 93 00:04:13,785 --> 00:04:16,118 Of course. What do you think I sleep in? 94 00:04:16,289 --> 00:04:17,586 A coffin. 95 00:04:18,057 --> 00:04:20,685 Dude, that doesn't look comfortable at all. 96 00:04:20,793 --> 00:04:24,821 - You're wearing a tie. - First of all, it's a sleeping cravat. 97 00:04:25,166 --> 00:04:27,430 Second, it's not about comfort. 98 00:04:27,535 --> 00:04:29,867 It's about looking good all the time. 99 00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:32,029 Why do you have to look good all the time? 100 00:04:32,173 --> 00:04:34,141 Marshall, let me tell you a little story about something 101 00:04:34,241 --> 00:04:35,539 that happened a couple of months back. 102 00:04:36,511 --> 00:04:37,603 (DOORBELL RINGING) 103 00:04:44,553 --> 00:04:47,421 Hi. We were just having a "Who's hornier?" contest 104 00:04:47,523 --> 00:04:50,390 and we spilled massage oil all over ourselves. 105 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:53,495 - Nice pajamas. - Can we use your shower? 106 00:04:55,999 --> 00:04:58,593 That's not a memory. That's from a porn movie. 107 00:04:58,702 --> 00:05:02,194 Not just any movie. That's the exact scene from... 108 00:05:02,739 --> 00:05:06,608 - Never mind. - The point is it could happen. 109 00:05:06,744 --> 00:05:10,578 And if it did, and I didn't look my absolute best for those greasy sluts, 110 00:05:10,682 --> 00:05:12,149 I'd regret it forever. 111 00:05:12,250 --> 00:05:13,342 (MARSHALL SNICKERS) 112 00:05:13,451 --> 00:05:16,387 I'm sorry, dude, but that is just the most ridiculous sleeping attire 113 00:05:16,488 --> 00:05:19,286 I've ever seen in my life. Anyway... 114 00:05:20,025 --> 00:05:23,461 Marshall's wearing a nightgown! Marshall's wearing a nightgown! 115 00:05:23,562 --> 00:05:25,223 Hey, guys, you know how in the future we're always saying, 116 00:05:25,331 --> 00:05:26,492 "Remember when Marshall wore a nightgown?" 117 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:28,067 This is that time! 118 00:05:28,168 --> 00:05:29,157 It's a nightshirt. 119 00:05:29,269 --> 00:05:32,238 You can call it a Ninja Star Danger Jock if you want, 120 00:05:32,339 --> 00:05:34,000 doesn't make you any less of a cross-dresser. 121 00:05:34,107 --> 00:05:35,369 Whatever, dude. It's comfy. 122 00:05:35,475 --> 00:05:36,442 - BARNEY: Uh-huh? - Mmm-hmm. 123 00:05:36,576 --> 00:05:39,205 So, flying to Neverland with Peter and Tink, was that amazing? 124 00:05:39,313 --> 00:05:40,712 Ooh! Let me go next! 125 00:05:40,815 --> 00:05:43,010 Was it nice to finally get out of that crowded bed 126 00:05:43,117 --> 00:05:46,883 and take Charlie to the chocolate factory? Ooh! Me, me, me, me! 127 00:05:46,988 --> 00:05:49,480 Something about Scrooge! 128 00:05:50,192 --> 00:05:52,353 Come on, guys. I'm carrying the team. 129 00:05:52,628 --> 00:05:55,290 I don't know. I lived with Marshall for 12 years. 130 00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:58,663 Any time he's wearing clothes at all, it's a victory. 131 00:06:01,004 --> 00:06:03,871 - LILY: Ted, show's about to start! - Be right there! 132 00:06:14,785 --> 00:06:16,309 (THEME MUSIC PLA YING) 133 00:06:16,620 --> 00:06:17,678 (MARSHALL GASPS) 134 00:06:17,788 --> 00:06:19,848 Good morning, New York. I'm... 135 00:06:19,958 --> 00:06:21,789 - Hey! - Whoa! 136 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:25,288 Marshall, I just found Robin's earring on your dresser. 137 00:06:25,397 --> 00:06:27,661 Did you have something to do with the other one being in my bed? 138 00:06:27,766 --> 00:06:29,598 - What are you talking about? - You've always hated Karen. 139 00:06:29,702 --> 00:06:31,863 You've been telling me to break up with her. 140 00:06:31,971 --> 00:06:35,429 You did it. You put the earring in my bed so that Karen would find it. 141 00:06:35,541 --> 00:06:36,667 No, Ted! No! I would never... 142 00:06:36,776 --> 00:06:38,403 - Admit it! - There's nothing to admit! 143 00:06:38,511 --> 00:06:40,343 Then why was Robin's earring on your dresser? 144 00:06:40,447 --> 00:06:42,005 He was accessorizing! 145 00:06:42,115 --> 00:06:45,016 Marshall, I swear to God, if you don't tell me the truth right now... 146 00:06:45,118 --> 00:06:48,087 Wait! Marshall didn't do it. 147 00:06:49,490 --> 00:06:50,650 I did. 148 00:06:51,092 --> 00:06:53,424 I broke you and Karen up. 149 00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:02,468 You broke me and Karen up? Are you insane? 150 00:07:02,571 --> 00:07:06,029 - What gives you the right to do that? - Ted, I did it for your own good. 151 00:07:06,175 --> 00:07:09,269 You just weren't seeing how awful she was. 152 00:07:09,378 --> 00:07:11,540 She failed the front porch test. 153 00:07:12,048 --> 00:07:13,743 What's the front porch test? 154 00:07:13,917 --> 00:07:17,717 Ted, you, me and Marshall have been best friends since college. 155 00:07:17,821 --> 00:07:20,757 Think about how much we all mean to each other. 156 00:07:20,858 --> 00:07:23,952 So when I picture the future, I picture us all together. 157 00:07:24,628 --> 00:07:28,758 How we'll all be retired, sipping tea on the front porch of our beach house, 158 00:07:28,866 --> 00:07:30,494 playing bridge all day. 159 00:07:30,602 --> 00:07:35,767 Okay, bridges are wild. Four of a bridge beats a royal bridge. 160 00:07:35,941 --> 00:07:39,536 I see your bridge, and I raise you three bridges. 161 00:07:39,644 --> 00:07:41,738 Bridge! I win! 162 00:07:42,215 --> 00:07:44,240 You have no idea how to play bridge, do you? 163 00:07:44,350 --> 00:07:47,945 - We're gonna take a class. - It's important to stay active. 164 00:07:48,121 --> 00:07:50,715 So whenever you've been dating somebody for a while, 165 00:07:50,824 --> 00:07:52,883 I do the front porch test. 166 00:07:53,093 --> 00:07:56,995 You know, how is this person gonna fit in with our group over the years? 167 00:07:57,097 --> 00:07:59,224 And when I think about Karen there... 168 00:07:59,566 --> 00:08:01,694 Bridge! I win! 169 00:08:01,836 --> 00:08:04,168 Fantastic. Another game of bridge. 170 00:08:04,372 --> 00:08:06,272 Don't read a book or anything. 171 00:08:06,441 --> 00:08:09,410 Look, dear, dolphins. 172 00:08:09,677 --> 00:08:10,974 KAREN: They seem happy. 173 00:08:11,079 --> 00:08:13,708 I guess the chemical runoff from this elitist beachfront property 174 00:08:13,816 --> 00:08:16,182 hasn't rotted out their blowholes yet. 175 00:08:16,285 --> 00:08:21,313 It will. That water will kill you. It is a toxic deathtrap. 176 00:08:21,424 --> 00:08:24,292 - I'm gonna take a dip. - I'll join you. 177 00:08:24,728 --> 00:08:27,788 Karen failed the front porch test. She had to go. 178 00:08:27,998 --> 00:08:30,228 I can't believe you did that. 179 00:08:30,333 --> 00:08:33,599 Ted, think about how awesome you, me and Marshall are. 180 00:08:33,704 --> 00:08:36,138 Seriously, think about it. 181 00:08:39,944 --> 00:08:42,276 - We're pretty awesome. - We're totally awesome! 182 00:08:42,514 --> 00:08:46,746 So whoever you marry, whoever joins Team Awesome, 183 00:08:46,985 --> 00:08:49,385 the bar is set pretty damn high. 184 00:08:49,855 --> 00:08:52,689 Look, I'm not saying what I did was right, but... 185 00:08:52,792 --> 00:08:53,986 You're better off without her. 186 00:08:54,093 --> 00:08:56,823 And if Clarence the angel says it's true, it must be true. 187 00:08:56,963 --> 00:08:59,329 Okay, you know what? Fine, make your little jokes. 188 00:08:59,432 --> 00:09:00,990 Seriously, why would you wear something like that? 189 00:09:01,100 --> 00:09:03,831 - Lots of reasons. - I bet you can't name five. 190 00:09:03,938 --> 00:09:05,872 One, no need to wear anything underneath. 191 00:09:05,973 --> 00:09:08,032 I can vouch for that. Will you cross your legs, buddy? 192 00:09:08,175 --> 00:09:09,972 Two, sexy. 193 00:09:10,077 --> 00:09:13,536 I can vouch for that. Will you uncross your legs, buddy? 194 00:09:14,015 --> 00:09:17,644 Three, my grandpa Olaf wore one, and he lived to be 107. 195 00:09:17,752 --> 00:09:21,415 Four, no elastic waistband leaving its judgmental pink teeth marks 196 00:09:21,523 --> 00:09:22,683 around my Thanksgiving belly. 197 00:09:22,791 --> 00:09:28,128 And five, every night when I go to sleep, it's the freest, 198 00:09:28,331 --> 00:09:30,231 most wonderful feeling in the world. 199 00:09:30,333 --> 00:09:33,734 I feel like I'm flying. 200 00:09:33,971 --> 00:09:35,996 (CHEERFUL MUSIC PLA YING) 201 00:09:39,176 --> 00:09:41,235 So that's how I go to bed every night, 202 00:09:41,645 --> 00:09:44,638 happy, weightless, with a heart full of joy. 203 00:09:44,749 --> 00:09:46,011 What about you? 204 00:09:47,252 --> 00:09:51,052 I have to lie perfectly still so I don't wrinkle my suit-jamas. 205 00:09:52,123 --> 00:09:54,684 But at least I'm not wearing a dress. 206 00:09:55,761 --> 00:09:58,525 (SIGHS) So, how mad are you? 207 00:09:58,631 --> 00:10:00,360 I don't know. I mean, 208 00:10:00,499 --> 00:10:03,525 I guess if you guys feel that strongly about Karen, 209 00:10:03,636 --> 00:10:05,161 then maybe it was for the best. 210 00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:06,762 I really am sorry. 211 00:10:06,873 --> 00:10:10,365 I hated doing that again, but Karen had to go. 212 00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:15,839 Again? Wait. How many times have you broken me up with a girlfriend? 213 00:10:15,950 --> 00:10:17,747 Never! Six. 214 00:10:17,852 --> 00:10:20,582 - Like who? - No one! Angie. 215 00:10:21,389 --> 00:10:23,254 Sophomore year. 216 00:10:23,357 --> 00:10:28,159 She was just using you to get back at her ex, and you clearly didn't see it, 217 00:10:28,964 --> 00:10:31,762 so one day when she was taking a nap... 218 00:10:46,317 --> 00:10:48,012 Creed? 219 00:10:49,186 --> 00:10:51,916 Oh, my God, I have to break up with her. 220 00:10:52,990 --> 00:10:55,254 So that's where my Creed CD went. 221 00:10:55,826 --> 00:10:57,089 Who else? 222 00:10:57,195 --> 00:10:59,322 Remember that weird sci-fi girl 223 00:10:59,431 --> 00:11:02,423 who wanted you to propose after, like, two months? 224 00:11:02,534 --> 00:11:06,231 You barely even liked her, but you were still thinking about it, so... 225 00:11:06,404 --> 00:11:08,100 (SCl-FI MUSIC PLA YING) 226 00:11:08,941 --> 00:11:13,241 Listen, Ted, you're great, and this is so difficult, 227 00:11:13,713 --> 00:11:16,307 but I think we're looking for different things. 228 00:11:16,449 --> 00:11:20,443 So, live long and prosper. Whatever. 229 00:11:23,557 --> 00:11:25,320 (ROARING) 230 00:11:25,993 --> 00:11:28,758 That was you? This is insane! 231 00:11:28,863 --> 00:11:33,027 Ted, I did those things to help you. You're a commitment junkie. 232 00:11:33,134 --> 00:11:36,467 You fall in love with these women even if they don't deserve you. 233 00:11:36,571 --> 00:11:39,132 What if one of those women was supposed to be the mother of my children? 234 00:11:39,241 --> 00:11:43,007 If there was ever the tiniest chance of that, I swear I didn't do anything. 235 00:11:43,112 --> 00:11:47,446 - Like with Victoria or Stella. - Or Robin. 236 00:11:48,418 --> 00:11:52,047 - Or Robin. - Robin, Robin... 237 00:11:52,288 --> 00:11:54,586 Did you break us up, too? 238 00:11:55,025 --> 00:11:57,016 Did you break us up, too? 239 00:11:57,127 --> 00:11:59,722 Stop talking to me like I'm your enemy! 240 00:11:59,864 --> 00:12:01,331 You weep for these women, 241 00:12:01,432 --> 00:12:04,833 but you have the luxury of not knowing what I know, 242 00:12:04,935 --> 00:12:06,835 that those breakups, while tragic, 243 00:12:06,937 --> 00:12:10,931 probably saved you from a crappy and very expensive first marriage. 244 00:12:11,043 --> 00:12:12,874 Did you break me and Robin up? 245 00:12:12,978 --> 00:12:15,242 You don't want the truth because deep down, 246 00:12:15,347 --> 00:12:17,508 you want me out there watching out for you. 247 00:12:17,616 --> 00:12:20,313 And deep down, you know that none of those women 248 00:12:20,420 --> 00:12:22,684 were ever gonna be the mother of your children. 249 00:12:22,789 --> 00:12:25,053 - Did you break me and Robin up? - I did what I had to do. 250 00:12:25,158 --> 00:12:28,685 - Did you break me and Robin up? - You're damn right I did! 251 00:12:32,566 --> 00:12:36,525 Marshall, your grandpa Olaf was a wise man. 252 00:12:36,637 --> 00:12:38,070 (MARSHALL SIGHS) 253 00:12:41,910 --> 00:12:43,502 You broke me and Robin up? 254 00:12:43,611 --> 00:12:45,374 - No, it's not... - I cannot believe this. 255 00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:47,243 I need another drink. 256 00:12:47,482 --> 00:12:49,780 You know, I feel a little breeze down there. It's nice. 257 00:12:49,919 --> 00:12:53,218 You think that's something? Stand over this heating vent. 258 00:12:53,322 --> 00:12:56,257 It's like your junk is on a tropical island. 259 00:12:57,626 --> 00:12:59,992 - Little Barney says, "Mahalo." - Mmm-hmm. 260 00:13:00,430 --> 00:13:03,729 Seriously, what is wrong with you, Lily? How could you do that? 261 00:13:03,834 --> 00:13:05,927 I did this because I care about you! 262 00:13:06,036 --> 00:13:09,437 I am so glad that is the one you watched! 263 00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:11,838 Dear God, what happened to you? 264 00:13:14,011 --> 00:13:15,501 You didn't watch my show? 265 00:13:15,646 --> 00:13:19,082 Oh! The show. Sorry. Something special happen? 266 00:13:21,620 --> 00:13:23,645 (SIGHS) Same old same-old. 267 00:13:23,789 --> 00:13:26,485 Lily just told us that she broke you and me up. 268 00:13:26,592 --> 00:13:29,686 What? Broke us up? What does that even mean? 269 00:13:29,795 --> 00:13:31,525 And why are these guys wearing nightgowns? 270 00:13:31,631 --> 00:13:32,598 - Nightshirt. - Nightshirt. 271 00:13:32,699 --> 00:13:34,098 - It's a nightshirt. - It's called a nightshirt, Robin. 272 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:36,691 Turns out Lily has taken it upon herself to sabotage 273 00:13:36,803 --> 00:13:38,634 many of my relationships, including ours. 274 00:13:38,738 --> 00:13:40,501 No. Robin was different. 275 00:13:40,607 --> 00:13:42,269 I didn't want you two to break up, 276 00:13:42,376 --> 00:13:47,370 but you wanted completely different things out of life and refused to deal with it. 277 00:13:47,481 --> 00:13:49,813 I could just picture that front porch. 278 00:13:50,084 --> 00:13:51,950 Hmm. Two of hearts. 279 00:13:52,053 --> 00:13:54,453 Just like the hearts of the two children I never had 280 00:13:54,556 --> 00:13:56,956 because my lovely wife hates kids. 281 00:13:57,993 --> 00:13:59,824 Mmm, a deuce. 282 00:13:59,928 --> 00:14:01,828 Exactly what my career dropped 283 00:14:01,930 --> 00:14:04,764 once I decided to settle down and marry Ted. 284 00:14:05,535 --> 00:14:07,935 Bridge! I win. 285 00:14:08,805 --> 00:14:12,104 Well, I do not like that scenario one bit. 286 00:14:12,208 --> 00:14:15,736 All I tried to do was get you guys to talk about your issues. 287 00:14:16,346 --> 00:14:20,146 I didn't know I was feeding you the words that would lead to your breakup. 288 00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:23,550 Hey, here's a fun question, just for fun. 289 00:14:23,855 --> 00:14:26,323 Where do you see yourself in five years? 290 00:14:26,724 --> 00:14:29,784 You know what's fun? Fun questions. 291 00:14:29,894 --> 00:14:32,556 Where do you see yourself in five years? 292 00:14:32,864 --> 00:14:36,266 - Where do you see yourself in five years? - Where do you see yourself? 293 00:14:36,368 --> 00:14:40,566 Not to put words in your mouth, but you probably want to be married. 294 00:14:40,906 --> 00:14:42,567 I probably want to be married. 295 00:14:42,708 --> 00:14:45,735 You probably want to be in Tokyo or Paris. 296 00:14:45,912 --> 00:14:49,279 I probably want to be in Argentina. 297 00:14:49,382 --> 00:14:52,442 - Argentina? - Or Tokyo or Paris. 298 00:14:53,453 --> 00:14:55,354 We have an expiration date, don't we? 299 00:14:55,957 --> 00:14:57,618 - Oh, my God. - Lily, 300 00:14:57,725 --> 00:15:00,455 you can't manipulate people like that! 301 00:15:00,561 --> 00:15:02,426 I've known you 12 years, and I can honestly say, 302 00:15:02,530 --> 00:15:04,362 I have never been more furious at you! 303 00:15:04,466 --> 00:15:07,060 - Look, I didn't mean to... I was just... - No! I don't even want to hear it! 304 00:15:07,169 --> 00:15:08,329 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 305 00:15:08,437 --> 00:15:12,339 Settle down! Let's just settle down! Now, I have one question. 306 00:15:12,741 --> 00:15:16,644 - What do these bad boys feel like in bed? - Come on. Let's go see. 307 00:15:16,846 --> 00:15:20,373 So, if it weren't for you, Ted and I might still be dating? 308 00:15:20,550 --> 00:15:23,246 Or you would have stayed together far too long, 309 00:15:23,353 --> 00:15:27,154 had an incredibly bitter breakup and not even remained friends, 310 00:15:27,258 --> 00:15:30,489 and then you and I would never have become best friends. 311 00:15:30,594 --> 00:15:33,586 Don't even say that. Okay? 312 00:15:33,864 --> 00:15:35,264 Stop hugging! 313 00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:39,463 Lily, you had no right to interfere in my relationships. 314 00:15:39,571 --> 00:15:40,731 You got lucky. Okay? 315 00:15:40,839 --> 00:15:43,967 You met the love of your life in a dorm hallway when you were 18. 316 00:15:44,075 --> 00:15:45,839 But that doesn't give you the right to play God 317 00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:49,278 to the rest of us mortals down here who are still looking for someone. 318 00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:51,509 You're so concerned about who you and Marshall are gonna end up 319 00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:54,381 on that front porch with. Well, you know what? 320 00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:56,581 You can have it to yourselves. 321 00:15:58,091 --> 00:15:59,115 (DOOR SLAMS) 322 00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:03,457 What happened to your jacket? 323 00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:06,158 Soot, bread crumbs, placenta. 324 00:16:06,401 --> 00:16:08,665 Did you at least TiVo it? 325 00:16:08,770 --> 00:16:09,737 (SIGHS) 326 00:16:11,039 --> 00:16:14,975 So, you're this comfy every night, and Lily still has sex with you? 327 00:16:15,209 --> 00:16:18,373 Yeah. That's what marriage is all about, man, unconditional love. 328 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:21,608 You can wear whatever you want and still get laid. 329 00:16:22,051 --> 00:16:24,212 Tell me more about being married. 330 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:27,081 Well, sometimes, when you're married, 331 00:16:27,390 --> 00:16:30,325 you wake up to the smell of breakfast already on the table. 332 00:16:30,427 --> 00:16:32,759 - And coffee, too? - And coffee, too. 333 00:16:33,063 --> 00:16:37,592 Sometimes, she'll even put out a vase of freshly cut flowers. 334 00:16:37,702 --> 00:16:39,192 I love flowers. 335 00:16:39,303 --> 00:16:40,770 (MARSHALL CHUCKLES) 336 00:16:40,871 --> 00:16:42,065 And sometimes, 337 00:16:42,173 --> 00:16:44,471 when you're worried you've made all the wrong decisions in life, 338 00:16:44,575 --> 00:16:48,569 and you're not nearly the man you want to be, what does she do then? 339 00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:52,480 Well, she tells you that you're great and it's all gonna be okay. 340 00:16:52,584 --> 00:16:55,018 (CHUCKLES) That's wonderful. 341 00:16:55,954 --> 00:17:00,085 And she'll help you find other girls to have sex with? 342 00:17:02,929 --> 00:17:04,157 I mean, I guess. 343 00:17:04,263 --> 00:17:07,357 Maybe if you agreed upon that beforehand, yeah. 344 00:17:08,035 --> 00:17:09,024 Mmm. 345 00:17:09,136 --> 00:17:11,263 Little guy had a big day. 346 00:17:11,538 --> 00:17:15,167 We'll talk about it tomorrow. Sweet dreams, slugger. 347 00:17:16,677 --> 00:17:19,943 (CHEERFUL MUSIC PLA YING) 348 00:17:30,092 --> 00:17:32,754 OLDER TED: The next night, I was still angry at your aunt Lily. 349 00:17:32,862 --> 00:17:34,056 Until... 350 00:17:34,630 --> 00:17:37,428 - Hi. - Hi. What are you... 351 00:17:40,637 --> 00:17:43,128 Lily came by and explained everything. 352 00:17:43,407 --> 00:17:45,841 And she gave me this note for you. 353 00:17:46,910 --> 00:17:47,877 (TED SIGHS) 354 00:17:50,148 --> 00:17:51,638 LIL Y: "Ted, I'm sorry. 355 00:17:51,883 --> 00:17:54,181 "It doesn't matter to me who you marry. 356 00:17:54,285 --> 00:17:58,051 "I know they'll be awesome because they'll think you are. 357 00:17:58,189 --> 00:18:02,650 "To show I mean it, I put together a little surprise for you and Karen upstairs. 358 00:18:02,761 --> 00:18:03,989 "Love, Lily." 359 00:18:04,096 --> 00:18:06,758 MARSHALL: "P.S. Sorry the envelope was already open. 360 00:18:06,899 --> 00:18:09,835 "I had to read what she wrote. Marshall." 361 00:18:10,670 --> 00:18:13,332 Sabotaging our relationship? I got to say, 362 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:16,136 even using the specially-ordered, extra-low bar 363 00:18:16,242 --> 00:18:17,675 by which I judge your friends, 364 00:18:17,777 --> 00:18:19,836 Lily really outdid herself this time. 365 00:18:19,946 --> 00:18:22,245 Obviously, we can't ever see her again. 366 00:18:22,516 --> 00:18:25,451 I know. It's a big loss, right? 367 00:18:29,323 --> 00:18:32,225 Hey, remember your old college roommate? 368 00:18:32,327 --> 00:18:35,888 He was married to that shrill, little idiot girl. 369 00:18:36,031 --> 00:18:40,161 Marshall. Oh, it's been so long. 370 00:18:40,268 --> 00:18:42,066 God, I hated him. 371 00:18:42,505 --> 00:18:44,598 Anyway, here's his obituary. 372 00:18:46,476 --> 00:18:50,708 And I realized, maybe it shouldn't matter what my friends think of my girlfriend, 373 00:18:50,813 --> 00:18:54,215 but it sure as hell matters what my girlfriend thinks of my friends. 374 00:18:54,318 --> 00:18:57,685 - Wow. So you ended it? - Yeah. 375 00:18:59,656 --> 00:19:03,058 So if you want to be my plus one, Lily's a damn good cook. 376 00:19:03,161 --> 00:19:04,423 ROBIN: Mmm! 377 00:19:04,529 --> 00:19:08,693 Beef pot pie, mac and cheese, homemade buttermilk biscuits. 378 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:11,793 Wow, no wonder Marshall dies at 68. 379 00:19:11,904 --> 00:19:13,064 (ROBIN LAUGHS) 380 00:19:13,606 --> 00:19:14,698 Thank you. 381 00:19:14,874 --> 00:19:17,434 OLDER TED: So, Robin and I enjoyed a gourmet dinner. 382 00:19:17,710 --> 00:19:19,473 Well, for her it was breakfast. 383 00:19:19,578 --> 00:19:23,208 And we ended up doing exactly what Lily wanted us to do all along, 384 00:19:23,350 --> 00:19:25,250 we talked about our relationship. 385 00:19:26,586 --> 00:19:30,716 - So, Lily broke us up, sort of. - Yeah. 386 00:19:31,825 --> 00:19:34,522 - Kind of makes you wonder. - Yeah. 387 00:19:34,795 --> 00:19:39,357 I mean, if it weren't for her, would we still be dating right now? 388 00:19:39,567 --> 00:19:40,966 Maybe. 389 00:19:42,403 --> 00:19:45,464 But Lily was right. We weren't ready. 390 00:19:45,774 --> 00:19:48,607 We both needed to move on, do our own thing. 391 00:19:49,111 --> 00:19:51,909 - Still do, I guess. - Mmm-hmm. 392 00:19:53,483 --> 00:19:55,314 We should make a pact. 393 00:19:55,652 --> 00:19:58,621 If the years go by, and we both turn 40, 394 00:19:58,721 --> 00:20:00,484 and we're still single, we... 395 00:20:06,697 --> 00:20:11,100 Robin Scherbatsky, will you be my backup wife? 396 00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:14,635 A girl always dreams of hearing those words. 397 00:20:14,739 --> 00:20:17,731 Yes! Yes! A million times, yes! 398 00:20:17,842 --> 00:20:19,309 (ROBIN GIGGLING) 399 00:20:23,181 --> 00:20:24,342 (SOFTLY) Thank you. 400 00:20:25,484 --> 00:20:27,349 - All right, it's a deal. - Yeah. 401 00:20:27,453 --> 00:20:28,545 (BOTH EX CLAIM) 402 00:20:28,654 --> 00:20:30,815 (CLEARING THROAT) So, should we set up some ground rules for this? 403 00:20:30,923 --> 00:20:31,912 Okay, like what? 404 00:20:32,024 --> 00:20:34,585 I don't know. Like neither one of us can get super fat. Stuff like that. 405 00:20:34,695 --> 00:20:36,959 Okay, I only have one, you can't wear a nightshirt. 406 00:20:37,064 --> 00:20:39,999 - I will never wear a nightshirt. - Thank God. 407 00:20:44,304 --> 00:20:45,704 (DOORBELL RINGING) 408 00:20:47,809 --> 00:20:48,901 (GRUNTS) 409 00:20:57,653 --> 00:20:59,177 Never mind. 410 00:20:59,822 --> 00:21:01,016 No!