1
00:00:01,730 --> 00:00:05,291
You will not believe what happened
at laser tag last night.
2
00:00:05,401 --> 00:00:07,529
People freaked out because
a creepy man in a suit
3
00:00:07,637 --> 00:00:10,834
- wouldn't leave their kids alone?
- No.
4
00:00:10,941 --> 00:00:12,568
Well, yeah, pretty much.
5
00:00:12,709 --> 00:00:14,233
(LASER GUNS FIRING)
6
00:00:16,047 --> 00:00:17,344
(BARNEY LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)
7
00:00:17,448 --> 00:00:18,540
Come on!
8
00:00:18,683 --> 00:00:20,207
(EX CLAIMING)
9
00:00:20,852 --> 00:00:24,311
- BOY: Ow! My shoulder!
- Come on.
10
00:00:24,423 --> 00:00:25,481
(EX CLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION)
11
00:00:25,591 --> 00:00:28,287
Stinson, my office! Now!
12
00:00:28,393 --> 00:00:29,621
Crap.
13
00:00:30,596 --> 00:00:32,154
Disorderly game play,
14
00:00:32,264 --> 00:00:34,825
three counts of shoving, and now this!
15
00:00:34,934 --> 00:00:36,925
Stinson, you're a liability!
16
00:00:37,036 --> 00:00:40,335
I know I don't play by
your "precious rules," McCracken,
17
00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:41,635
but damn it, I get results!
18
00:00:41,742 --> 00:00:42,766
(BANGS TABLE)
19
00:00:42,877 --> 00:00:45,710
Look, you're a good laser tag player,
20
00:00:46,146 --> 00:00:47,704
maybe the best I've ever seen.
21
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:50,950
But one of these days,
you're gonna get someone hurt.
22
00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:52,644
Maybe even yourself.
23
00:00:53,121 --> 00:00:55,021
You just forget what it's like out there.
24
00:00:55,123 --> 00:00:57,990
You've had your fat ass stuck behind
that desk for too long.
25
00:00:58,093 --> 00:00:59,994
That's it! You're out of here, Stinson!
26
00:01:00,096 --> 00:01:03,998
- Hand in your gun and your ID badge!
- With pleasure.
27
00:01:07,336 --> 00:01:10,602
Please don't do this. This game is all I got.
28
00:01:10,908 --> 00:01:15,277
And I've almost got enough tickets
for the remote-control helicopter.
29
00:01:15,379 --> 00:01:16,540
Please.
30
00:01:18,616 --> 00:01:20,880
I can't believe I'm doing this.
31
00:01:21,653 --> 00:01:23,086
But I'm gonna give you one last shot.
32
00:01:23,187 --> 00:01:24,552
(SIGHING)
33
00:01:24,756 --> 00:01:28,784
But so help me,
if you so much as step one toe out of line,
34
00:01:28,894 --> 00:01:30,657
you're gonna be playing Duck Hunt
in your mama's basement
35
00:01:30,763 --> 00:01:34,700
so fast it's gonna make your head spin.
Now, get out of here!
36
00:01:38,605 --> 00:01:40,436
You won't regret this.
37
00:01:41,541 --> 00:01:42,975
(LAUGHS EVILLY)
38
00:01:43,077 --> 00:01:44,339
(LASER GUN FIRING)
39
00:01:45,379 --> 00:01:46,471
Whoa.
40
00:01:47,181 --> 00:01:50,810
That's it, Stinson. You're banned for life!
41
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,415
(POIGNANTMUSIC PLA YING)
42
00:01:53,922 --> 00:01:57,551
No!
43
00:01:57,826 --> 00:01:59,054
(SOBBING)
44
00:01:59,078 --> 00:02:07,078
ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA
PSArips.com
45
00:02:12,209 --> 00:02:15,406
I can't believe you got kicked out of
laser tag. What are you gonna do?
46
00:02:15,512 --> 00:02:18,380
What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?
47
00:02:18,483 --> 00:02:21,043
I'll tell you what Ted and I are gonna do.
48
00:02:21,152 --> 00:02:25,350
We're gonna break in after hours
and TP the place.
49
00:02:26,057 --> 00:02:29,824
Barney, we are too old to cover
a place in toilet paper
50
00:02:29,929 --> 00:02:31,658
just because they won't
let you play laser tag.
51
00:02:31,764 --> 00:02:34,289
And for that matter,
we're too old for laser tag.
52
00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:37,461
Ted, laser tag knows no age restrictions.
53
00:02:37,571 --> 00:02:40,938
- Kind of like stripping in the Midwest.
- Yeah, whatever.
54
00:02:41,041 --> 00:02:45,103
- I'm adding laser tag to the Murtaugh list.
- Oh, jeez, not the Murtaugh list.
55
00:02:45,213 --> 00:02:46,612
- Yeah.
- What's the Murtaugh list?
56
00:02:46,714 --> 00:02:48,682
OLDER TED: The Murtaugh list
is something that came into being
57
00:02:48,783 --> 00:02:50,182
around the time I turned 30.
58
00:02:50,485 --> 00:02:52,920
It all started with
your uncle Marshall's beer bong.
59
00:02:53,088 --> 00:02:54,680
(CHEERING)
60
00:02:55,224 --> 00:02:57,590
When we were in our early 20s,
every time we had a party,
61
00:02:57,693 --> 00:02:59,456
that beer bong came out.
62
00:02:59,561 --> 00:03:02,258
And around the time we turned 30,
same thing.
63
00:03:02,632 --> 00:03:05,328
Of course, in our early 20s,
the next day would go like this.
64
00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:06,493
(EX CLAIMING EX CITEDLY)
65
00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:09,936
But by the time we were 30,
the next day would go like this.
66
00:03:11,208 --> 00:03:12,368
(MOANING)
67
00:03:12,476 --> 00:03:15,912
Then one day, in the throes of
the worst hangover of my life,
68
00:03:16,013 --> 00:03:19,245
I realized there was only one person
in the world that I could relate to.
69
00:03:19,851 --> 00:03:22,615
Detective Roger Murtaugh,
played by Danny Glover
70
00:03:22,721 --> 00:03:25,383
in the '80s noir masterpiece
Lethal Weapon,
71
00:03:25,490 --> 00:03:27,651
known for his oft-quoted catchphrase...
72
00:03:27,759 --> 00:03:28,852
I'm too old for this...
73
00:03:28,961 --> 00:03:32,055
OLDER TED: Stuff. He said,
"I'm too old for this stuff."
74
00:03:32,899 --> 00:03:34,560
It's sad to admit, but as you get older,
75
00:03:34,667 --> 00:03:36,430
there's just certain things
you can't do anymore.
76
00:03:36,569 --> 00:03:39,664
That's why I have this list,
so I never make the mistake of thinking
77
00:03:39,773 --> 00:03:41,604
that I can still pull an all-nighter.
78
00:03:41,709 --> 00:03:42,676
Oh.
79
00:03:42,776 --> 00:03:44,835
I'm too old for that stuff.
80
00:03:45,446 --> 00:03:47,972
Or eat an entire pizza in one sitting.
81
00:03:48,083 --> 00:03:50,779
I'm too old for that stuff.
82
00:03:50,885 --> 00:03:53,752
Or hang posters on your wall
without frames.
83
00:03:53,855 --> 00:03:56,620
Riggs. Riggs!
84
00:03:57,059 --> 00:03:59,254
I'm too old for that stuff.
85
00:03:59,462 --> 00:04:01,794
By the way, how good is Lethal Weapon?
86
00:04:01,897 --> 00:04:03,525
I don't know. It's kind of a rip-off.
87
00:04:03,633 --> 00:04:06,124
Old guy paired up
with a young, renegade cop.
88
00:04:06,336 --> 00:04:07,803
Sound familiar?
89
00:04:08,772 --> 00:04:10,569
Mackleroy and LeFleur.
90
00:04:11,708 --> 00:04:14,735
Don't tell me you guys
have never seen Mackleroy and LeFleur.
91
00:04:14,846 --> 00:04:18,077
It's the greatest Canadian action movie
of all time.
92
00:04:18,616 --> 00:04:22,178
Mackleroy is a young, renegade Mountie
whose horse was just killed
93
00:04:22,287 --> 00:04:23,549
- by evil Americans...
- Wait.
94
00:04:23,655 --> 00:04:26,681
...while LeFleur, his grouchy,
old, African-Canadian partner,
95
00:04:26,792 --> 00:04:28,783
- just bought a cozy ice-fishing shack...
- Wait.
96
00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:29,919
...in northern Alberta.
97
00:04:30,029 --> 00:04:31,792
- Now...
- Stop it!
98
00:04:31,898 --> 00:04:33,058
(ALL EX CLAIMING)
99
00:04:33,166 --> 00:04:36,067
- I got to go.
- Bye, baby. Have fun at practice.
100
00:04:36,169 --> 00:04:39,037
Practice? Is he doing
that one-man band thing again?
101
00:04:39,140 --> 00:04:41,233
'Cause that was a bummer.
102
00:04:41,709 --> 00:04:44,473
OLDER TED: Actually,
Marshall had just taken over as coach
103
00:04:44,578 --> 00:04:46,569
for Lily's kindergarten basketball team.
104
00:04:46,714 --> 00:04:49,582
He thought it'd be fun,
but Lily saw it as something more.
105
00:04:49,785 --> 00:04:50,843
Dad practice.
106
00:04:50,952 --> 00:04:53,887
- Hi.
- Hey! Oh, my gosh!
107
00:04:53,989 --> 00:04:57,323
Orange slices. That is so sweet.
What are you doing here?
108
00:04:57,426 --> 00:05:00,554
I couldn't resist. I wanted to see
Coach Marshmallow do his thing.
109
00:05:00,663 --> 00:05:01,687
(LAUGHING) Oh!
110
00:05:01,798 --> 00:05:03,129
Okay.
111
00:05:03,232 --> 00:05:05,701
Hey, kids, who wants to knock off early
112
00:05:05,803 --> 00:05:08,465
and have some of these here
orange slices?
113
00:05:08,572 --> 00:05:09,971
(CHEERING)
114
00:05:10,073 --> 00:05:13,874
Yeah? Well, you can't!
Because oranges are for winners,
115
00:05:13,978 --> 00:05:17,311
and you little turds
haven't even made a single shot yet!
116
00:05:17,415 --> 00:05:20,680
You're embarrassing yourselves,
you're embarrassing Miss Aldrin,
117
00:05:20,785 --> 00:05:23,880
and worst of all, you're embarrassing me!
118
00:05:24,156 --> 00:05:26,954
That's it! Suicides! Baseline! Now!
119
00:05:27,059 --> 00:05:28,048
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
120
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:29,286
Run.
121
00:05:31,932 --> 00:05:36,232
Ted, there is not a single thing on here
that you are too old to do.
122
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,896
In fact, if you did everything
on the Murtaugh list,
123
00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:40,701
I'd call that a pretty fun weekend.
124
00:05:40,875 --> 00:05:42,467
Barney, you are not 18 anymore.
125
00:05:42,577 --> 00:05:45,341
If you did everything on that list,
you would die.
126
00:05:46,948 --> 00:05:49,509
- That wasn't a challenge.
- Challenge accepted.
127
00:05:49,618 --> 00:05:54,146
In the next 24 hours, I'm going to do
every single thing on this list.
128
00:05:54,323 --> 00:05:59,023
And after I do, you will TP
the laser tag place with me.
129
00:05:59,162 --> 00:06:00,322
And if you can't do it?
130
00:06:00,430 --> 00:06:04,867
I will spend three hours
listening to you talk about architecture.
131
00:06:05,001 --> 00:06:08,733
You have got yourself a deal.
Robin, will you do the honors?
132
00:06:09,273 --> 00:06:10,570
A gentlemen's agreement!
133
00:06:10,674 --> 00:06:11,641
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
134
00:06:11,742 --> 00:06:17,841
All right, chumps, let's do this.
Barney Stinson!
135
00:06:18,016 --> 00:06:20,644
You really want to make this bet with him?
You know how he is.
136
00:06:20,752 --> 00:06:23,414
Robin, there is some pretty tough stuff
on that list.
137
00:06:23,556 --> 00:06:27,219
(LAUGHING) Do you really think
Barney's gonna get his ear pierced?
138
00:06:27,326 --> 00:06:29,385
"Get ear pierced." Check.
139
00:06:29,695 --> 00:06:32,961
All right, I'm off to go
do laundry at Mom's house.
140
00:06:38,438 --> 00:06:40,531
Hey, you guys mind if I crash
on your futon tonight?
141
00:06:40,641 --> 00:06:43,611
- We don't have a futon.
- Put it over there, boys.
142
00:06:43,711 --> 00:06:45,941
- What's going on?
- It's on the Murtaugh list.
143
00:06:46,047 --> 00:06:49,107
"Crash on a friend's futon
instead of getting a hotel room."
144
00:06:49,250 --> 00:06:51,617
I am too old for that stuff.
145
00:06:52,087 --> 00:06:53,714
Dude, what's going on with your ear?
146
00:06:53,822 --> 00:06:56,290
It looks like the inside of a jack-o'-lantern
on November 3rd.
147
00:06:57,126 --> 00:06:59,891
What, this? Just a little infectsh.
148
00:06:59,996 --> 00:07:01,930
Nothing a young guy like me
can't shake off.
149
00:07:02,098 --> 00:07:04,464
Plus, "Put off going to the doctor,"
on the list.
150
00:07:04,567 --> 00:07:05,534
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
151
00:07:05,635 --> 00:07:07,227
Oh. Hold on.
152
00:07:08,606 --> 00:07:09,630
Go for...
153
00:07:09,740 --> 00:07:10,764
(YELLS IN PAIN)
154
00:07:10,875 --> 00:07:12,706
(CACKLING)
155
00:07:13,411 --> 00:07:15,140
Keep running!
156
00:07:15,279 --> 00:07:18,443
You know what's funny is I was
supposed to come here to teach them...
157
00:07:18,550 --> 00:07:21,144
Do not stop running!
158
00:07:21,253 --> 00:07:26,317
This whole time, they've been the ones
who are teaching me. Hey!
159
00:07:26,793 --> 00:07:27,953
(KID SCREAMING)
160
00:07:28,061 --> 00:07:30,723
That's not running! That's falling!
161
00:07:32,332 --> 00:07:36,292
OLDER TED: The next morning, Barney
woke up on the futon in our living room.
162
00:07:37,638 --> 00:07:38,969
(SCREAMING IN PAIN)
163
00:07:41,575 --> 00:07:43,134
Check.
164
00:07:43,945 --> 00:07:47,881
"Drinking shots with strangers." Check.
165
00:07:48,416 --> 00:07:50,441
You okay, Barney?
It looks like you hurt your back.
166
00:07:50,552 --> 00:07:54,785
Oh, no. Just rocking a party hunch. I like it.
167
00:07:54,991 --> 00:07:58,483
Closer to my booze. To youth.
168
00:08:07,704 --> 00:08:09,104
Can I get a straw?
169
00:08:09,741 --> 00:08:11,436
I must say, there is something admirable
170
00:08:11,542 --> 00:08:13,635
about the way Barney wants
to stay young at heart.
171
00:08:13,745 --> 00:08:16,771
- I mean, who wants to get old?
- This guy.
172
00:08:17,616 --> 00:08:22,349
Robin, life is a meal
and old age is the dessert.
173
00:08:22,488 --> 00:08:24,319
I spend so much of my time worrying
about the future.
174
00:08:24,423 --> 00:08:27,052
You know, "Where's my career going?
Who am I gonna marry?"
175
00:08:27,193 --> 00:08:31,755
But when you're old, you don't worry,
'cause all that stuff's already happened.
176
00:08:31,865 --> 00:08:32,923
Plus, you get to wear comfy shoes,
177
00:08:33,033 --> 00:08:35,195
and a chair takes you
up and down the stairs. It's perfect.
178
00:08:35,336 --> 00:08:39,397
That's not perfect. That's pathetic.
You can't just jump to the end.
179
00:08:39,507 --> 00:08:41,099
The journey is the best part.
180
00:08:41,575 --> 00:08:43,942
Oh, Robin, I used to feel that way, too,
181
00:08:44,046 --> 00:08:47,311
but you'll understand when
you're a little bit older.
182
00:08:48,550 --> 00:08:51,280
Marshall, can you try
not to pick on the kids today?
183
00:08:51,386 --> 00:08:53,116
I'm not picking on the kids, Lily.
184
00:08:53,222 --> 00:08:55,918
I'm picking on the culture of losing
around here.
185
00:08:56,025 --> 00:08:58,755
I got to get them in shape
if they're gonna win that game tomorrow.
186
00:08:58,861 --> 00:09:02,298
(SCOFFING) Win? We don't keep score.
187
00:09:03,867 --> 00:09:06,358
- What?
- We don't keep score.
188
00:09:06,670 --> 00:09:08,228
You don't keep...
189
00:09:09,239 --> 00:09:12,869
What's the point of playing if you don't
keep score? How do you know...
190
00:09:12,977 --> 00:09:15,969
Lily, what were you doing with this team
before I got here?
191
00:09:16,081 --> 00:09:17,309
I was coaching them.
192
00:09:17,449 --> 00:09:18,473
BOY: Whee!
193
00:09:18,583 --> 00:09:20,643
That's it, my little angels.
194
00:09:20,753 --> 00:09:23,745
You're all luminous,
wonderful beings of light.
195
00:09:23,856 --> 00:09:27,553
- What's the score?
- It's all tied up at fun to fun!
196
00:09:27,660 --> 00:09:29,322
(CHEERING)
197
00:09:30,030 --> 00:09:32,225
Because that's the point of playing,
to have fun.
198
00:09:32,332 --> 00:09:35,301
No. The point of playing is
to win the trophy.
199
00:09:35,402 --> 00:09:38,531
And if you don't know who's winning,
who gets the trophy?
200
00:09:38,639 --> 00:09:43,440
Everyone. It's a participation trophy.
Everyone gets one.
201
00:09:44,445 --> 00:09:47,609
It's like you're speaking Chinese
to me right now.
202
00:09:48,117 --> 00:09:49,106
(BEEPS)
203
00:09:49,218 --> 00:09:50,810
- Hi, this is Barney.
- And Robin.
204
00:09:50,919 --> 00:09:52,181
We can't answer the phone right
now because...
205
00:09:52,287 --> 00:09:53,311
He's watching sports and I'm...
206
00:09:53,422 --> 00:09:54,412
Probably out shopping.
207
00:09:54,524 --> 00:09:55,491
(BOTH LAUGHING)
208
00:09:55,592 --> 00:09:56,581
Uh-oh!
209
00:09:56,693 --> 00:09:58,456
Leave a message and we'll call you
back just as soon...
210
00:09:58,561 --> 00:09:59,585
- As...
- We...
211
00:09:59,696 --> 00:10:00,958
- Can!
- Can!
212
00:10:01,831 --> 00:10:06,235
"Leave an annoying two-person message
on your answering machine." Check.
213
00:10:06,537 --> 00:10:09,700
Probably gonna cost me some dates,
but it's okay.
214
00:10:10,107 --> 00:10:13,566
- Barney, your ear's starting to smell.
- No, it's good.
215
00:10:14,379 --> 00:10:19,043
I hate to send it back, but you did describe
the turkey as extremely lean,
216
00:10:19,151 --> 00:10:21,177
and, well, you tell me.
217
00:10:22,822 --> 00:10:24,312
All right. That's it.
218
00:10:24,423 --> 00:10:26,152
- We have our own list.
- What?
219
00:10:26,259 --> 00:10:28,557
This is a list of things
you're too young to do.
220
00:10:28,661 --> 00:10:30,027
Go out and do each one of these things
221
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:32,394
and then tell me you still
want to be an old man.
222
00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:33,591
Hmm.
223
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:36,197
Remove "Colonoscopy"
and "Have sex with an old lady,"
224
00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:38,033
and this is a cakewalk.
225
00:10:39,807 --> 00:10:43,641
New stakes, then. If I can finish your list
before you finish mine,
226
00:10:43,745 --> 00:10:48,080
you have to come with me to TP laser tag,
and you have to buy the toilet paper.
227
00:10:48,184 --> 00:10:51,381
And none of that biodegradable crap.
I want it up there forever.
228
00:10:51,487 --> 00:10:53,785
Fine, but if I finish your list first,
229
00:10:53,889 --> 00:10:57,382
it's a six-hour survey of early 20th-century
American architecture,
230
00:10:57,494 --> 00:11:00,088
and you can never do anything
on the Murtaugh list ever again.
231
00:11:00,197 --> 00:11:03,928
- It's for your own good.
- You, sir, have got yourself a deal.
232
00:11:04,034 --> 00:11:05,366
A gentlemen's agreement!
233
00:11:05,469 --> 00:11:06,458
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
234
00:11:06,571 --> 00:11:08,300
(EX CLAIMING IN PAIN)
235
00:11:09,807 --> 00:11:13,835
Marshall, they're in kindergarten.
This isn't how you teach basketball.
236
00:11:13,946 --> 00:11:17,473
- Sure it is. It's the way I learned.
- Are you kidding me?
237
00:11:17,616 --> 00:11:20,585
What kind of sociopath
taught you this way?
238
00:11:23,389 --> 00:11:26,586
- Come on, Dad. I'm tired.
- Sleep is for winners.
239
00:11:26,693 --> 00:11:28,718
You can go to bed
when you score a basket.
240
00:11:28,828 --> 00:11:32,026
- I'm trying.
- Let's give you two points for trying.
241
00:11:32,132 --> 00:11:35,226
But negative two points
for having a great big head.
242
00:11:36,870 --> 00:11:41,934
My father gave me no quarter,
and I asked for no quarter.
243
00:11:43,678 --> 00:11:45,873
I totally gotta call that guy.
244
00:11:46,648 --> 00:11:48,742
Keep stretching!
245
00:11:52,622 --> 00:11:54,988
"Put on reading glasses." Check.
246
00:11:55,458 --> 00:11:59,725
"Yell at neighborhood kids." My pleasure.
247
00:12:01,164 --> 00:12:02,563
- Hey.
- Hey.
248
00:12:02,966 --> 00:12:06,232
- What the hell happened to you?
- Oh, I just had a very minor
249
00:12:06,337 --> 00:12:08,897
blew-out-my-knee-and-it-hurts-like-hell
incident.
250
00:12:09,007 --> 00:12:09,996
How'd you blow out your knee?
251
00:12:10,108 --> 00:12:12,975
We "Helped someone move out of
a sixth-floor walk-up
252
00:12:13,077 --> 00:12:14,705
"in exchange for pizza and beer."
253
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:17,212
Or we helped someone
rob a sixth-floor walk-up.
254
00:12:17,316 --> 00:12:20,911
They were in a big hurry
and left all the pictures behind.
255
00:12:21,020 --> 00:12:22,453
Whatevs. It counts.
256
00:12:23,323 --> 00:12:26,588
Now I am off to
"Dye my hair a funny color,"
257
00:12:26,693 --> 00:12:29,059
- and then we are going to "Go to a rave."
- Mmm-hmm.
258
00:12:29,162 --> 00:12:30,220
(IMITATING TECHNO MUSIC)
259
00:12:30,330 --> 00:12:32,629
Ooh! 4:00! Supper time.
260
00:12:33,267 --> 00:12:35,895
Okay. So, your dad was tough on you.
261
00:12:36,003 --> 00:12:38,597
That stinks,
but you don't have to be like him.
262
00:12:38,706 --> 00:12:40,731
You can learn from his mistakes.
263
00:12:40,842 --> 00:12:43,572
Mistakes? Lily, scoreboard.
264
00:12:43,745 --> 00:12:46,305
The guy nailed it, okay?
He taught me how to be a winner.
265
00:12:46,415 --> 00:12:49,543
That's what I'm teaching these kids.
And, for that matter,
266
00:12:49,652 --> 00:12:51,483
that's what I'm gonna teach
our kids someday.
267
00:12:51,587 --> 00:12:55,284
Okay, that's it. This is not how
we're gonna raise our kids!
268
00:12:55,391 --> 00:12:58,189
And this is not how you're
gonna coach this team!
269
00:12:58,294 --> 00:13:01,093
At tomorrow's game,
if you are anything less
270
00:13:01,198 --> 00:13:04,599
than a teddy bear stuffed
with cotton candy and rainbows,
271
00:13:04,735 --> 00:13:07,933
I will silent-treatment your ass
into the ground!
272
00:13:08,039 --> 00:13:12,942
You'll think the time I found your Internet
search history was a freaking picnic!
273
00:13:13,044 --> 00:13:14,477
Are we clear?
274
00:13:16,115 --> 00:13:17,104
Lily, there are many different...
275
00:13:17,216 --> 00:13:19,980
- Are we clear?
- Yes, ma'am.
276
00:13:23,823 --> 00:13:27,123
You know, what's ironic is that now...
Lily, no!
277
00:13:31,465 --> 00:13:33,262
(TECHNO MUSIC PLA YING)
278
00:13:33,367 --> 00:13:36,132
Just call Ted. I want to go home.
279
00:13:36,237 --> 00:13:39,400
All right. I'm calling him.
But it's 4:30 in the morning.
280
00:13:39,507 --> 00:13:40,735
He's not going to be awake.
281
00:13:41,175 --> 00:13:43,167
"Up at 4:00." Check.
282
00:13:44,913 --> 00:13:46,608
- Is he answering?
- I haven't dialed yet.
283
00:13:46,715 --> 00:13:49,548
Oh, please hurry, Robin.
284
00:13:49,752 --> 00:13:50,741
(PHONE RINGING)
285
00:13:50,853 --> 00:13:52,185
Ooh, perfect.
286
00:13:52,288 --> 00:13:54,552
"Take forever to answer the phone."
287
00:13:58,428 --> 00:14:00,488
Come on, Ted.
Someone gave me some aspirin
288
00:14:00,598 --> 00:14:02,327
and I don't think it was aspirin.
289
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:03,824
(EX CLAIMING IN PAIN)
290
00:14:04,168 --> 00:14:05,328
(PHONE RINGING)
291
00:14:07,705 --> 00:14:08,764
(BEEPS)
292
00:14:09,207 --> 00:14:10,572
Check.
293
00:14:11,543 --> 00:14:16,242
So, I know that I have been a little tough
on you for the past couple days.
294
00:14:16,348 --> 00:14:19,318
And I apologize for that.
295
00:14:20,486 --> 00:14:23,649
So today, we're not gonna worry
about winning.
296
00:14:23,823 --> 00:14:27,225
We're gonna go out there and have fun.
297
00:14:27,327 --> 00:14:28,624
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
298
00:14:28,729 --> 00:14:31,493
OLDER TED: Kids, over the years,
your uncle Marshall has told and retold
299
00:14:31,598 --> 00:14:33,828
the story of this game hundreds of times.
300
00:14:33,934 --> 00:14:35,562
And in reality, the kids on that other team
301
00:14:35,670 --> 00:14:37,570
were probably only a grade older.
302
00:14:37,705 --> 00:14:41,801
But in telling and retelling the story,
they came to look like this.
303
00:14:47,917 --> 00:14:49,407
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
304
00:14:52,556 --> 00:14:55,650
Yay! Way to let them score that easily.
305
00:14:55,959 --> 00:14:58,450
Now you're sitting down. Awesome.
306
00:15:03,634 --> 00:15:07,035
Addison, it's not soccer.
You don't kick the ball!
307
00:15:08,473 --> 00:15:10,738
Unless that's something
that you think is fun,
308
00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:13,903
in which case, great job having fun.
309
00:15:17,483 --> 00:15:19,577
Whoa, that was a foul, wasn't it, ref?
310
00:15:19,686 --> 00:15:22,519
My name's not Ref. It's Kenny.
And watch your tone.
311
00:15:22,622 --> 00:15:25,090
No tone, Kenny. Great job, Kenny.
312
00:15:25,191 --> 00:15:27,752
Thanks a lot, Kenny. See you later, Kenny.
313
00:15:28,629 --> 00:15:31,792
All right, Barney. As your manager,
I'm throwing in the towel.
314
00:15:31,899 --> 00:15:33,161
This bet is over.
315
00:15:33,267 --> 00:15:36,931
Your ear looks like a free Danish
at a continental breakfast.
316
00:15:37,038 --> 00:15:38,062
(GROANING)
317
00:15:38,173 --> 00:15:41,472
No. No. One thing left. "Beer bong."
318
00:15:41,576 --> 00:15:44,238
Oh! Coming right up.
319
00:15:46,182 --> 00:15:50,243
I found these weird Russian beers
in the basement.
320
00:15:50,353 --> 00:15:52,253
Russian beers? I'll take a brewski.
321
00:15:52,355 --> 00:15:55,689
(CHUCKLING) Hey. Brewski. Get it?
322
00:15:56,927 --> 00:15:59,327
Yeah, it's a little warm.
323
00:15:59,463 --> 00:16:00,896
Hope that's not a problem.
324
00:16:00,998 --> 00:16:03,297
(EX CLAIMING)
325
00:16:03,601 --> 00:16:06,229
Don't. Okay. Don't, don't, don't.
326
00:16:06,337 --> 00:16:07,668
(EX CLAIMING)
327
00:16:07,772 --> 00:16:10,536
All right, Ted. You win. I hate this.
328
00:16:10,642 --> 00:16:14,374
I hate all of it. My back is killing me.
329
00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:16,778
Everyone at the rave thought I was a narc.
330
00:16:17,049 --> 00:16:20,349
My ear hurts so bad I can hear it.
331
00:16:20,453 --> 00:16:23,422
I can hear my own ear. Think about that.
332
00:16:24,391 --> 00:16:26,552
My clothes...
What is it... What is it... What am I...
333
00:16:26,660 --> 00:16:28,252
Get this stuff off of me!
334
00:16:28,395 --> 00:16:31,058
Ted, I'll pay you double for your finest suit.
335
00:16:31,232 --> 00:16:33,700
Here's 30 bucks.
336
00:16:34,602 --> 00:16:36,297
And throw in the shoes.
337
00:16:36,971 --> 00:16:38,371
You win, Ted.
338
00:16:38,473 --> 00:16:41,533
I'll never do anything on
the Murtaugh list again.
339
00:16:41,643 --> 00:16:43,838
I'm too old for this stuff.
340
00:16:44,079 --> 00:16:47,072
You know, Barney, last night,
I went to bed at 8:00
341
00:16:47,183 --> 00:16:48,980
because it was on the list,
342
00:16:49,085 --> 00:16:51,747
and I couldn't sleep because,
well, it was 8:00.
343
00:16:52,355 --> 00:16:53,982
So I decided to watch Lethal Weapon.
344
00:16:57,361 --> 00:17:01,195
And then, when I still couldn't sleep,
I watched Lethal Weapon 2.
345
00:17:01,732 --> 00:17:03,495
And then I watched 3.
346
00:17:04,769 --> 00:17:07,067
And then, halfway through
Lethal Weapon 4
347
00:17:07,172 --> 00:17:08,469
is when it occurred to me.
348
00:17:08,907 --> 00:17:12,240
Murtaugh kept saying,
"I'm too old for this stuff,"
349
00:17:12,344 --> 00:17:16,247
but every time he'd say it,
he'd turn around, make another movie
350
00:17:16,349 --> 00:17:18,010
and do more stuff.
351
00:17:18,918 --> 00:17:21,113
I guess what I'm saying is,
352
00:17:22,556 --> 00:17:24,023
screw being old.
353
00:17:25,359 --> 00:17:28,795
- Let's go TP laser tag, huh?
- Yeah.
354
00:17:28,895 --> 00:17:30,955
And then the hospital.
355
00:17:34,002 --> 00:17:35,697
Great job, guys.
356
00:17:35,803 --> 00:17:38,431
At least we're not keeping score, right?
No idea what the score is.
357
00:17:38,573 --> 00:17:41,270
Could be 53 to zero.
Could be some other score.
358
00:17:41,377 --> 00:17:43,208
It's 53 to zero.
359
00:17:43,412 --> 00:17:45,471
What are we doing wrong, Coach?
360
00:17:46,415 --> 00:17:48,179
You know what?
You're not doing anything wrong.
361
00:17:48,318 --> 00:17:50,286
It's great that you guys are losing,
362
00:17:50,387 --> 00:17:54,380
because in life, it doesn't matter
how much effort you put in,
363
00:17:54,491 --> 00:17:58,121
or how hard you try,
people will just give you things
364
00:17:58,229 --> 00:18:01,494
like diplomas and jobs and promotions.
365
00:18:01,599 --> 00:18:03,362
So, it doesn't matter what
you do out there,
366
00:18:03,467 --> 00:18:05,993
as long as you have fun.
367
00:18:06,772 --> 00:18:09,297
OLDER TED: At that point, because they
didn't want to fight in front of the kids,
368
00:18:09,408 --> 00:18:13,344
your uncle Marshall and aunt Lily
had one of their telepathic conversations.
369
00:18:13,445 --> 00:18:16,574
LIL Y: Don't you give me that look.
MARSHALL: Lily, I can't take it anymore!
370
00:18:16,683 --> 00:18:19,948
- Your way of coaching is crazy!
- LIL Y: Stop yelling at me!
371
00:18:20,386 --> 00:18:21,683
MARSHALL: Sorry.
372
00:18:22,088 --> 00:18:24,887
But can I please do it my way?
373
00:18:25,192 --> 00:18:30,255
LIL Y: Fine, but I'm going to do it
my way, too. I'm getting my guitar.
374
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,259
OLDER TED: I don't know if it was
Marshall's tough attitude,
375
00:18:34,369 --> 00:18:35,597
Lily's gentle encouragement
376
00:18:35,704 --> 00:18:38,104
or some magical combination of the two,
377
00:18:38,206 --> 00:18:42,871
but in the second half of that game,
that ragtag group of little firecrackers
378
00:18:43,345 --> 00:18:45,506
got beat down even worse.
379
00:18:48,350 --> 00:18:50,216
In fact, according to your uncle Marshall,
380
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:52,982
in the second half,
the other team got even taller.
381
00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:55,718
And one of them turned into a Teen Wolf.
382
00:18:55,826 --> 00:19:00,287
Kenny! There is a Teen Wolf on the court!
That can't be legal.
383
00:19:00,798 --> 00:19:05,963
I know the Teen Wolf looks different, kids,
but try to make sure he feels included.
384
00:19:09,108 --> 00:19:10,973
(HOWLING)
385
00:19:14,446 --> 00:19:16,005
Oh, yeah!
386
00:19:20,787 --> 00:19:22,448
(HOWLING)
387
00:19:25,860 --> 00:19:28,886
How is that not traveling, Kenny?
You're killing me!
388
00:19:28,996 --> 00:19:31,590
- You are absolutely killing me!
- Hey, watch it, Coach,
389
00:19:31,699 --> 00:19:33,098
or you'll get a technical.
390
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:37,399
Oh, Kenny, I'm begging you
to give me a technical.
391
00:19:37,506 --> 00:19:38,632
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
392
00:19:38,740 --> 00:19:40,503
OLDER TED: When the final horn
mercifully blew,
393
00:19:40,609 --> 00:19:44,512
the score was, by Marshall's estimate,
118 to nothing.
394
00:19:44,614 --> 00:19:46,673
And even though they didn't win anything,
395
00:19:46,883 --> 00:19:50,375
everyone, even the coach,
got a participation trophy.
396
00:19:50,486 --> 00:19:52,751
I understand if you don't want it.
397
00:19:54,224 --> 00:19:55,782
I love it.
398
00:19:57,461 --> 00:20:01,023
I just... I worked so hard. It feels good
to be appreciated for my effort.
399
00:20:01,132 --> 00:20:03,191
I know, baby.
400
00:20:06,571 --> 00:20:09,666
Maybe your way is not totally stupid.
401
00:20:10,009 --> 00:20:11,340
Thanks.
402
00:20:11,610 --> 00:20:14,044
Your way is totally stupid.
403
00:20:20,253 --> 00:20:21,413
Ow!
404
00:20:21,655 --> 00:20:23,179
McCRACKEN: Stinson!
405
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:27,257
Son,
406
00:20:28,262 --> 00:20:32,028
you have been a pain in my ass
ever since you joined this club.
407
00:20:33,501 --> 00:20:38,906
But damn it, if this ain't some of
the finest TP work I've ever seen.
408
00:20:39,942 --> 00:20:41,375
You're reinstated,
409
00:20:41,844 --> 00:20:44,370
- effective immediately.
- Really?
410
00:20:47,717 --> 00:20:51,551
Hell, no! I'm calling the police!
411
00:20:51,888 --> 00:20:54,687
Grown-ass man with pink hair
throwing toilet paper.
412
00:20:54,792 --> 00:20:56,521
You've got to be kidding me,
I'm too old for this...
413
00:20:56,627 --> 00:20:59,425
OLDER TED: Stuff, he said, "Stuff."