1 00:00:01,480 --> 00:00:02,743 (BARNEY EX CLAIMING) 2 00:00:02,849 --> 00:00:04,873 Lily, I heard this great joke at work today. 3 00:00:04,984 --> 00:00:08,681 Dude, come on. She's not gonna like it. It's boy-funny. It's not girl-funny. 4 00:00:08,787 --> 00:00:12,884 That is sexist! Funny is funny, Ted. 5 00:00:12,993 --> 00:00:16,156 - Lily's cool. She'll appreciate this. - You're on your own, man. 6 00:00:16,263 --> 00:00:19,493 - Just tell me the joke. - Okay. Ready? 7 00:00:19,765 --> 00:00:24,328 Lily, what's the difference between peanut butter and jam? 8 00:00:24,437 --> 00:00:25,495 (SNICKERING) 9 00:00:25,605 --> 00:00:27,003 - See? It's funny. - It's boy-funny. 10 00:00:27,106 --> 00:00:28,233 She's not gonna like it. 11 00:00:28,341 --> 00:00:29,637 Why don't you let me decide? 12 00:00:29,742 --> 00:00:30,801 (EX CLAIMING) 13 00:00:30,911 --> 00:00:33,903 What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? 14 00:00:35,683 --> 00:00:37,615 OLDER TED: And then Barney said the punch line. 15 00:00:37,783 --> 00:00:41,311 To this day, it's still the dirtiest joke I've ever heard in my life. 16 00:00:41,588 --> 00:00:43,147 And no, I'm not gonna say it. 17 00:00:44,457 --> 00:00:47,120 Yeah, I can't hang out with you anymore. 18 00:00:47,660 --> 00:00:52,724 (LAUGHING) Oh, come on. That's a funny joke. 19 00:00:52,832 --> 00:00:56,200 - Told you. - She'll be back. 20 00:00:56,304 --> 00:00:59,602 OLDER TED: And we didn't see Lily for four weeks. 21 00:00:59,626 --> 00:01:05,626 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 22 00:01:13,421 --> 00:01:17,255 OLDER TED: Kids, after getting laid off, I was finally pursuing my lifelong dream, 23 00:01:17,358 --> 00:01:21,124 starting my own architecture firm. All I needed was some clients. 24 00:01:21,228 --> 00:01:23,992 I think it's so great that you're striking out on your own, Ted. 25 00:01:24,098 --> 00:01:25,827 - I admire that. - Thanks. 26 00:01:26,068 --> 00:01:28,227 And thanks for being so cool with me using the apartment. 27 00:01:28,335 --> 00:01:30,270 Oh, yeah, of course. Anything you need. 28 00:01:30,371 --> 00:01:31,861 (CHEERING ON TV) 29 00:01:31,973 --> 00:01:33,908 Hey, small thing, do you mind not watching television 30 00:01:34,009 --> 00:01:35,805 - during business hours? - This isn't working! 31 00:01:35,910 --> 00:01:38,174 I'm sorry. It's just, I can't concentrate while Wheel of Fortune is... 32 00:01:38,279 --> 00:01:39,405 (WHEEL DINGS) 33 00:01:39,513 --> 00:01:42,209 A penny saved is a Penny Marshall! Yes! 34 00:01:42,483 --> 00:01:45,782 Ted, I know you're nervous, but you've got to stop procrastinating. 35 00:01:45,886 --> 00:01:50,585 You've spent the last two days choosing the official pen of Mosbius Designs. 36 00:01:50,691 --> 00:01:52,717 Hey, I've made some progress, huh? 37 00:01:52,828 --> 00:01:55,126 I've eliminated felt-tip. 38 00:01:55,731 --> 00:01:59,064 Who am I kidding? Felt's back in the ballgame. 39 00:02:00,368 --> 00:02:02,667 Hey. You hear there's gonna be more layoffs? 40 00:02:02,771 --> 00:02:05,137 I know. I'm freaking out. 41 00:02:05,240 --> 00:02:07,334 - Are you worried? - Are you kidding? 42 00:02:07,443 --> 00:02:10,900 The things I know about this company, I won't ever be fired. 43 00:02:11,013 --> 00:02:13,208 I mean, there's a pretty good chance one day I'll wash up on shore 44 00:02:13,315 --> 00:02:16,341 with no fingerprints or teeth, but I won't be fired. 45 00:02:16,451 --> 00:02:18,443 Well, I wish I had your confidence. 46 00:02:19,021 --> 00:02:22,082 Look, you just need a way to make yourself absolutely essential. 47 00:02:22,191 --> 00:02:24,625 Well, I work harder than anyone in my division. 48 00:02:24,727 --> 00:02:27,753 Yeah. Keeping your job has nothing to do with hard work. 49 00:02:27,997 --> 00:02:29,861 - You need a thing. - What do you mean, a thing? 50 00:02:29,965 --> 00:02:34,300 You know, something that makes you fun and well-liked, like Marcus Denisco. 51 00:02:34,637 --> 00:02:36,935 OLDER TED: Marcus Denisco worked in Account Services 52 00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:39,702 and was perhaps the most expendable employee at the company. 53 00:02:39,809 --> 00:02:42,607 I brought some donuts. They're probably stupid. 54 00:02:42,712 --> 00:02:44,942 OLDER TED: But eventually, he came to be known as... 55 00:02:45,048 --> 00:02:46,572 - Food Guy! - Food Guy! 56 00:02:46,683 --> 00:02:48,674 Who wants some pulled pork? Of course you do! Come on! 57 00:02:48,785 --> 00:02:50,082 (ALL CHEERING) 58 00:02:50,620 --> 00:02:53,384 I love Food Guy. They could never lay him off. 59 00:02:53,489 --> 00:02:55,548 - Mmm-hmm. - You know what I love about Food Guy? 60 00:02:55,658 --> 00:02:57,889 - He always has food. - He always has food. 61 00:02:57,995 --> 00:02:59,552 See? That's what you need. 62 00:02:59,662 --> 00:03:02,393 You need that thing that makes you a guy. 63 00:03:02,499 --> 00:03:05,297 Oh, I have that thing that makes me a guy. 64 00:03:05,402 --> 00:03:07,427 Maybe even a guy and a half. 65 00:03:07,705 --> 00:03:11,663 Not that thing. You know, a thing. Like Toy Guy. 66 00:03:11,774 --> 00:03:13,537 Guys, bad news. 67 00:03:13,643 --> 00:03:18,308 As your HR rep, I gotta review the new overtime scheduling policy with you. 68 00:03:18,582 --> 00:03:23,110 The good news is we're gonna do it while wearing Wolverine claws! 69 00:03:23,220 --> 00:03:24,812 (CHEERING) 70 00:03:25,589 --> 00:03:29,423 Section 5A, overtime will no longer be paid at time and a half. 71 00:03:29,526 --> 00:03:31,357 - This is awesome! - Claw five! 72 00:03:31,462 --> 00:03:32,861 (WHOOPING) 73 00:03:33,530 --> 00:03:34,896 I love Toy Guy. 74 00:03:34,999 --> 00:03:38,400 See? You need a thing. Like YouTube Clip Guy. 75 00:03:38,503 --> 00:03:39,628 (BABY CRYING) 76 00:03:39,737 --> 00:03:41,204 (ALL EX CLAIMING) 77 00:03:45,977 --> 00:03:49,174 You're right. I do need a thing. 78 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:50,576 But choose wisely. 79 00:03:50,681 --> 00:03:52,741 You don't want to be Creepy Back Rub Guy. 80 00:03:53,251 --> 00:03:55,913 Hey, don't fill up. Food Guy's got Panna Cotta in his office. 81 00:03:56,020 --> 00:03:57,078 Ooh! 82 00:03:58,590 --> 00:04:00,252 DOUGLAS: Hey, buddy. 83 00:04:01,025 --> 00:04:02,959 Hey, Douglas. 84 00:04:03,661 --> 00:04:06,789 Wow. You're so tight. 85 00:04:08,033 --> 00:04:11,058 I was relaxed about two seconds ago. 86 00:04:12,971 --> 00:04:14,529 You're next. 87 00:04:16,708 --> 00:04:18,939 Hi. Welcome to Mosbius Designs. 88 00:04:19,211 --> 00:04:20,235 (SIGHS) 89 00:04:20,346 --> 00:04:24,338 - Who the hell are you? - I'm PJ, Mr. Mosby's assistant. 90 00:04:24,449 --> 00:04:25,883 - Ted, what the hell is going... - I'm sorry, 91 00:04:25,985 --> 00:04:28,681 we do not interrupt Mr. Mosby during his brainstorming hour. 92 00:04:28,788 --> 00:04:29,846 (INTERCOM BEEPING) 93 00:04:29,955 --> 00:04:32,890 It's okay, PJ. That's Robin. She lives here. 94 00:04:33,125 --> 00:04:37,391 Oh, I'm sorry for the disturbance, sir. Do you need anything else? 95 00:04:37,496 --> 00:04:41,193 - Well, I wouldn't say no to a cup of... - You're right there! 96 00:04:41,599 --> 00:04:45,126 So now Ted has an assistant to help him not do anything. 97 00:04:45,236 --> 00:04:47,467 Hey, PJ's been a huge help to me, 98 00:04:47,573 --> 00:04:49,939 setting up the office, designing the website. 99 00:04:50,042 --> 00:04:52,441 And in return, I'm mentoring a bright, young mind. 100 00:04:52,544 --> 00:04:54,672 Ah, yes, the mentoring. 101 00:04:55,181 --> 00:04:57,945 I want you to go outside today and simply 102 00:04:58,151 --> 00:05:01,211 put your hands on buildings. All right? 103 00:05:01,353 --> 00:05:05,517 Feel the concrete pulse. Listen. 104 00:05:05,625 --> 00:05:09,322 Listen to the stories the stones are telling you. 105 00:05:10,497 --> 00:05:13,523 - And pick up my dry cleaning. - I will. 106 00:05:14,167 --> 00:05:17,102 - Thank you so much, Mr. Mosby. - All right. 107 00:05:18,371 --> 00:05:19,395 Hey, Ted? 108 00:05:19,506 --> 00:05:20,495 (DOOR CLOSES) 109 00:05:20,607 --> 00:05:23,303 This table just told me you're a douche. 110 00:05:25,011 --> 00:05:26,808 This whole mentoring thing is just another way 111 00:05:26,913 --> 00:05:28,814 to procrastinate from actually calling clients. 112 00:05:28,949 --> 00:05:31,714 I'm not procrastinating. I just... 113 00:05:32,018 --> 00:05:35,078 I want everything to be perfect, okay? I only get one shot at this. 114 00:05:35,188 --> 00:05:38,021 - Fine, but PJ is not helping. - Hey, hey. 115 00:05:38,258 --> 00:05:41,251 If Ted says that PJ is important to the company, 116 00:05:41,362 --> 00:05:43,488 then PJ is not going anywhere. 117 00:05:43,597 --> 00:05:46,567 - See? He's very valuable. - Whoa, whoa. 118 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:48,759 PJ's a guy? 119 00:05:48,870 --> 00:05:50,735 PJ's not some hot chick you're banging? 120 00:05:50,837 --> 00:05:52,964 No, I'm mentoring him. 121 00:05:53,073 --> 00:05:54,438 (GROANING IN DISGUST) 122 00:05:54,541 --> 00:05:55,974 Mentoring. 123 00:05:56,611 --> 00:06:00,308 I mentored a young fellow once. Even made him my wingman. 124 00:06:00,414 --> 00:06:05,783 Then, one day, he hired an assistant to work 10 feet from his bedroom 125 00:06:05,886 --> 00:06:09,254 who, get this, isn't a hot chick, 126 00:06:09,357 --> 00:06:11,258 proving he never listened to a word I said. 127 00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:13,919 And do you know that young man's name? 128 00:06:14,161 --> 00:06:16,755 - Ted Mosby? - Maybe. 129 00:06:16,864 --> 00:06:18,331 I don't remember. 130 00:06:18,432 --> 00:06:20,866 Because he is dead to me! 131 00:06:25,306 --> 00:06:29,175 PJ's gonna be getting a very confusing card in the mail 132 00:06:29,311 --> 00:06:32,246 along with a garment that he should by no means 133 00:06:32,347 --> 00:06:35,144 wear for three days and then mail back to me. 134 00:06:38,352 --> 00:06:39,786 Hey, Barney. 135 00:06:39,955 --> 00:06:42,856 I thought of a thing to make me more essential here. 136 00:06:42,958 --> 00:06:46,393 I'm Eco Guy, 'cause everybody loves a guy who recycles, right? 137 00:06:46,561 --> 00:06:48,495 Fired. What else you got? 138 00:06:48,697 --> 00:06:51,029 I thought of a few others. Wacky Tie Guy. 139 00:06:51,133 --> 00:06:53,600 - Fired. - Daily Fun Fact Guy? 140 00:06:53,701 --> 00:06:55,727 Did you know that you're fired? 141 00:06:55,837 --> 00:06:57,702 I Know a Good Stretch for That Guy? 142 00:06:57,973 --> 00:06:59,601 Downward-facing fired. 143 00:06:59,709 --> 00:07:01,175 Monty Python Guy? 144 00:07:01,276 --> 00:07:04,073 (IMITATING KNIGHTS) We are the knights who say, "You're fired." 145 00:07:04,947 --> 00:07:09,385 Wait! Wait! I did use to run a fantasy baseball league back in law school. 146 00:07:09,552 --> 00:07:12,043 That's not bad. You might be onto something. 147 00:07:12,155 --> 00:07:15,214 Awesome. Awesome! I'll be Fantasy Guy! 148 00:07:15,324 --> 00:07:18,055 We'll have to make you Sports Guy. We already have a Fantasy Guy. 149 00:07:18,161 --> 00:07:20,129 - What's up, bros? - Hey, Frank. 150 00:07:21,431 --> 00:07:22,420 (WHIRRING) 151 00:07:22,532 --> 00:07:23,862 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 152 00:07:25,134 --> 00:07:26,100 Hello? 153 00:07:26,435 --> 00:07:29,599 Hey, PJ. Where are you? You're never late. 154 00:07:30,773 --> 00:07:33,606 You're on top of the Empire State Building? 155 00:07:33,710 --> 00:07:34,836 (LAUGHS) 156 00:07:34,944 --> 00:07:38,402 Listen to the old gal. She's got some stories to tell. 157 00:07:38,514 --> 00:07:41,415 Take all the time you need. Okay. 158 00:07:43,987 --> 00:07:46,820 Wait a second. "Ted Mosby Home." 159 00:07:48,825 --> 00:07:51,794 Oh, my God, the call's coming from inside the house. 160 00:08:01,138 --> 00:08:04,504 That's not the Empire State Building. 161 00:08:09,813 --> 00:08:13,079 Robin, you cannot sleep with my assistant. 162 00:08:13,184 --> 00:08:16,641 I'm trying to run a business here. How did this even happen? 163 00:08:16,754 --> 00:08:20,020 Well, at lunch, when you go on your wisdom walks, 164 00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:22,354 it gives me and PJ some time alone together. 165 00:08:22,894 --> 00:08:25,828 Inspiration, do your thing. 166 00:08:25,929 --> 00:08:29,558 It always does, sir. It always does. 167 00:08:31,769 --> 00:08:35,228 Hey, PJ, I actually have an architectural question for you. 168 00:08:35,439 --> 00:08:37,304 How does Ted's ass taste? 169 00:08:37,408 --> 00:08:41,368 I wouldn't know, but I assume it tastes like genius. 170 00:08:44,616 --> 00:08:45,810 (SIGHING) 171 00:08:45,917 --> 00:08:46,940 (RATTLING) 172 00:08:47,051 --> 00:08:48,485 Why is the bathroom locked? 173 00:08:48,586 --> 00:08:51,384 Visitors need to sign in for the bathroom key. 174 00:08:51,489 --> 00:08:56,449 Listen, Peej, and I want you to think this over real good before you answer. 175 00:08:56,561 --> 00:09:00,464 Are you telling me that I can't go to the bathroom in my apartment? 176 00:09:00,566 --> 00:09:02,932 No. I am telling you 177 00:09:03,035 --> 00:09:07,938 that you need to ask permission to use the bathroom in my office. 178 00:09:08,406 --> 00:09:10,169 Why is that so hot? 179 00:09:11,644 --> 00:09:14,135 Robin, there are billions of guys in the world. 180 00:09:14,246 --> 00:09:15,906 Why do you have to sleep with my assistant? 181 00:09:16,014 --> 00:09:18,745 Ted, when I get off work, it's 5:30 in the morning. 182 00:09:18,851 --> 00:09:20,944 Do you have any idea what kind of guys I'm meeting? 183 00:09:21,587 --> 00:09:23,054 I deliver newspapers. 184 00:09:23,155 --> 00:09:25,919 It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it. 185 00:09:26,025 --> 00:09:27,013 (LAUGHING) 186 00:09:27,125 --> 00:09:31,085 Don't worry. I'll wash them before I handle your business. 187 00:09:31,831 --> 00:09:33,059 I live with my mom. 188 00:09:33,233 --> 00:09:37,759 At night, we watch TV in her bed. We call it Cuddle Club. 189 00:09:38,604 --> 00:09:43,007 So, you get up really early to trade on the European stock exchanges. 190 00:09:43,109 --> 00:09:46,670 - What's that like? - Look, is this gonna happen or not? 191 00:09:47,580 --> 00:09:50,310 Okay, first of all, I've hung out with Fantasy Guy. 192 00:09:50,416 --> 00:09:54,046 You could do a lot worse. Secondly, this has to stop. 193 00:09:54,154 --> 00:09:56,121 Distracting PJ is going to kill our productivity. 194 00:09:56,222 --> 00:09:59,919 (SCOFFS) What productivity? You haven't even called a single client. 195 00:10:00,025 --> 00:10:03,393 Hey, once I get the website up, the brochures printed, 196 00:10:03,497 --> 00:10:05,055 and figure out what trust games we're going to play 197 00:10:05,165 --> 00:10:07,758 at the corporate retreat, I am making those calls. 198 00:10:08,735 --> 00:10:10,225 Corporate retreat? 199 00:10:10,337 --> 00:10:13,170 Mr. Mosby and I are going camping on the roof. 200 00:10:15,175 --> 00:10:16,438 Hey, Sports Guy. 201 00:10:16,543 --> 00:10:17,975 I hear people are raving about your league. 202 00:10:18,077 --> 00:10:20,308 It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. 203 00:10:20,514 --> 00:10:24,611 Between entry fees and transaction fees and penalty fees, I'm actually... 204 00:10:24,719 --> 00:10:26,448 I'm holding on to a lot of money. 205 00:10:26,987 --> 00:10:29,922 Great work, Sports Guy. That's for last week. 206 00:10:33,995 --> 00:10:37,521 MARSHALL:60, 80, 100. 207 00:10:37,831 --> 00:10:41,427 Okay. This is $18,000 cash. 208 00:10:41,836 --> 00:10:43,201 It's not a big deal. 209 00:10:43,370 --> 00:10:46,535 I'll just take it home and put it somewhere safe. 210 00:10:46,775 --> 00:10:50,505 Okay, just walking down the street with some money in my pocket. 211 00:10:50,611 --> 00:10:54,139 Don't touch the money. That's so obvious. Just be cool. 212 00:10:55,049 --> 00:10:57,950 Oh, no. The baby's onto me. 213 00:10:58,084 --> 00:11:00,485 Babies can smell money. Everyone knows that! 214 00:11:00,588 --> 00:11:03,022 I'm carrying a lot of money! 215 00:11:04,293 --> 00:11:07,955 Seriously, dude, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep doing this. 216 00:11:08,095 --> 00:11:11,862 Marshall, last week you were trash that no one wanted to look at. 217 00:11:11,967 --> 00:11:13,365 Now, you're Sports Guy. 218 00:11:13,501 --> 00:11:15,834 - I was trash? - Last week! 219 00:11:16,572 --> 00:11:19,837 Hey, there's Ted Mosby of Mosbius Designs. 220 00:11:19,941 --> 00:11:21,671 How's the home office coming, buddy? 221 00:11:21,777 --> 00:11:25,804 Well, it was going great till Robin started banging my assistant. 222 00:11:25,914 --> 00:11:27,347 (EX CLAIMING) 223 00:11:27,915 --> 00:11:29,816 Ted, it's our apartment, okay? 224 00:11:29,918 --> 00:11:31,509 You leave a big chocolate cake on the counter, 225 00:11:31,619 --> 00:11:33,247 Mama's gonna cut her off a slice. 226 00:11:34,089 --> 00:11:35,351 I told you. 227 00:11:35,457 --> 00:11:38,153 Hire a cute assistant that you can sleep with, 228 00:11:38,259 --> 00:11:40,660 but instead you hire a cute assistant that Robin can sleep with. 229 00:11:40,762 --> 00:11:42,559 And of course he's gonna sleep with her, Ted. Look at her! 230 00:11:42,664 --> 00:11:45,293 She's the greatest woman on the planet! I'm getting off topic! 231 00:11:45,401 --> 00:11:49,063 You're an idiot! That's my message! You're an idiot! 232 00:11:51,206 --> 00:11:52,299 No. 233 00:11:52,908 --> 00:11:57,107 One person storming off isn't enough! Marshall, storm off with me! 234 00:12:01,650 --> 00:12:04,483 Barney. Dude, why are you this upset 235 00:12:04,587 --> 00:12:06,714 about Ted not having sex with the people he hires? 236 00:12:06,823 --> 00:12:08,756 Because it hurts! 237 00:12:08,924 --> 00:12:10,256 It hurts you how? 238 00:12:10,426 --> 00:12:13,554 It hurts because I love 239 00:12:13,730 --> 00:12:14,698 Ted 240 00:12:15,732 --> 00:12:17,496 having sex with women. 241 00:12:17,601 --> 00:12:19,567 I'm a very dedicated wingman! 242 00:12:19,669 --> 00:12:21,864 Look, Lily's the only person that I can talk to about this stuff. 243 00:12:21,971 --> 00:12:23,336 Just get her to talk to me. 244 00:12:23,439 --> 00:12:25,374 I'll try, but look, there's no guarantees. 245 00:12:25,476 --> 00:12:28,876 She's still really outraged about that joke. 246 00:12:29,578 --> 00:12:31,979 (SIGHING) That joke! 247 00:12:32,249 --> 00:12:35,912 Tore our little group apart, pitted people I love against each other. 248 00:12:36,287 --> 00:12:37,720 Seriously, I wish... 249 00:12:37,821 --> 00:12:41,085 I wish that joke had never come into our lives. 250 00:12:41,824 --> 00:12:43,554 (LAUGHING) 251 00:12:43,661 --> 00:12:45,993 - It's kind of funny though, right? - It's so funny, man. 252 00:12:47,399 --> 00:12:49,024 Hey, good news, PJ. 253 00:12:49,132 --> 00:12:52,660 The brochures you designed just came in. Really interesting choice for the cover. 254 00:12:52,770 --> 00:12:56,672 I like how instead of one of my designs, you chose this. 255 00:12:57,174 --> 00:13:00,632 You know what? I must've sent in the wrong photo. 256 00:13:00,744 --> 00:13:02,041 You think? 257 00:13:02,313 --> 00:13:05,408 Look, PJ, the website's still not done. 258 00:13:05,517 --> 00:13:07,747 You didn't even show up to the corporate retreat. 259 00:13:07,852 --> 00:13:10,376 By the way, I saw a shooting star, 260 00:13:10,854 --> 00:13:12,755 and you're late every day! 261 00:13:12,857 --> 00:13:14,847 I'm sorry, PJ. I gotta get focused. 262 00:13:15,393 --> 00:13:16,360 You're fired. 263 00:13:16,461 --> 00:13:19,657 - You can't fire... - PJ, you're fired. 264 00:13:19,763 --> 00:13:20,787 Fine! 265 00:13:24,368 --> 00:13:27,270 Hey, baby. I just got fired. 266 00:13:28,773 --> 00:13:31,866 Yeah, I'll wait for you at your place. Okay, bye. 267 00:13:32,343 --> 00:13:33,675 (CHEERING ON TV) 268 00:13:33,778 --> 00:13:35,507 Oh! Wheel of Fortune. 269 00:13:41,186 --> 00:13:44,485 I love having all this free time to spend with you. 270 00:13:44,589 --> 00:13:48,526 - I'm going to kiss you here and here. - Ooh! Ooh! 271 00:13:48,627 --> 00:13:51,356 And here and here. And... 272 00:13:51,463 --> 00:13:52,896 - Oh! - Please stop. 273 00:13:54,866 --> 00:13:56,129 I'm going to go to the bathroom. 274 00:13:56,235 --> 00:13:59,727 - I'll miss you. - I'll miss you, too. 275 00:14:04,542 --> 00:14:06,033 You're already sick of him, aren't you? 276 00:14:06,145 --> 00:14:08,079 He's driving me crazy. 277 00:14:08,180 --> 00:14:12,741 When PJ had a job, he was sexy. He was guardian of the bathroom key. 278 00:14:12,851 --> 00:14:17,118 A hot guy telling you when you can and can't pee? 279 00:14:17,356 --> 00:14:19,120 (SIGHS) That's the dream. 280 00:14:19,225 --> 00:14:22,160 That's the dream? The dream? 281 00:14:22,361 --> 00:14:24,625 Like what Martin Luther King was talking about? 282 00:14:24,730 --> 00:14:28,360 I have to end it, don't I? I'm terrible at breakups. 283 00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:29,435 I still have to go a little bit, 284 00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,526 but I couldn't be away from you one second longer. 285 00:14:31,637 --> 00:14:33,663 Oh! Listen. 286 00:14:35,474 --> 00:14:37,375 - Dude, I don't know. - What? 287 00:14:37,476 --> 00:14:39,604 Yeah, it's just... 288 00:14:39,846 --> 00:14:42,075 It's not really... 289 00:14:42,181 --> 00:14:44,275 lx-nay, you know? 290 00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:47,182 lx-nay on what? 291 00:14:47,287 --> 00:14:50,017 - Not feeling it. - Not feeling what? 292 00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:51,681 But friends and stuff? 293 00:14:51,792 --> 00:14:54,556 Oh, my God, this is the worst breakup ever. 294 00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:56,623 You're breaking up with me? 295 00:14:56,730 --> 00:15:00,393 If that's what you want, I totally understand. 296 00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:05,603 Hey, you still haven't activated that shortstop the Mariners just brought up. 297 00:15:05,705 --> 00:15:07,070 Gotta have it. Ha! 298 00:15:07,174 --> 00:15:08,334 (LAUGHING) 299 00:15:08,442 --> 00:15:10,535 See, Sports Guy? People love you. 300 00:15:10,644 --> 00:15:13,910 I can't be Sports Guy anymore, okay? It's killing me! 301 00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:15,811 I keep getting these constant texts 302 00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:18,578 and e-mails and phone calls in the middle of the night. 303 00:15:18,886 --> 00:15:22,252 (SOFTLY) Sometimes I even think that I'm being followed. 304 00:15:23,156 --> 00:15:24,590 Hey, buddy. 305 00:15:24,792 --> 00:15:28,455 I need you to push that trade through, so I can set up my new lineup. 306 00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:31,789 Wow, you really carry it in your shoulders, don't you? 307 00:15:32,033 --> 00:15:34,194 Seriously, it's over. 308 00:15:34,302 --> 00:15:36,201 Do you want me to stop? 309 00:15:37,472 --> 00:15:38,530 No. 310 00:15:39,841 --> 00:15:41,934 OLDER TED: With Robin and PJ broken up, I was free to make 311 00:15:42,043 --> 00:15:44,341 some staffing changes in the office. 312 00:15:45,847 --> 00:15:47,314 Hi, welcome to Mosbius Designs. 313 00:15:47,415 --> 00:15:50,578 (SIGHS) You got to be kidding me. 314 00:15:50,685 --> 00:15:52,949 OLDER TED: And now that PJ was back at work... 315 00:15:54,388 --> 00:15:56,618 You got to be kidding me. 316 00:15:57,392 --> 00:16:00,759 So, apparently Robin and PJ are an item again. 317 00:16:00,863 --> 00:16:02,727 You got to be kidding me! 318 00:16:05,067 --> 00:16:06,124 (COUGHING) 319 00:16:06,234 --> 00:16:07,202 Are you all right? 320 00:16:07,302 --> 00:16:08,667 (SIGHING) 321 00:16:08,770 --> 00:16:11,705 Okay, since Lily's not talking to me, there's something that I have to tell you. 322 00:16:11,808 --> 00:16:14,367 And this isn't easy to say, all right? 323 00:16:15,344 --> 00:16:17,710 I'm... Wait for it. 324 00:16:18,247 --> 00:16:20,613 ...in... Wait for it. 325 00:16:20,949 --> 00:16:23,349 ...love... Wait for it. 326 00:16:23,951 --> 00:16:26,045 ...with... Wait for it. 327 00:16:27,723 --> 00:16:29,020 (SIGHING) 328 00:16:30,959 --> 00:16:32,984 ...a... Wait for it. 329 00:16:33,896 --> 00:16:34,863 ...certain... Wait for it. 330 00:16:34,963 --> 00:16:37,455 - I know that you're in love with Robin! - What? 331 00:16:37,567 --> 00:16:40,229 - Lily told me. - She told you? 332 00:16:40,336 --> 00:16:41,496 Great. 333 00:16:41,638 --> 00:16:42,662 (SCOFFS) 334 00:16:42,771 --> 00:16:47,003 I bet you guys have been laughing at me behind my back the whole time. 335 00:16:47,310 --> 00:16:51,940 Actually, in a weird way, we both think you're kind of perfect for each other. 336 00:16:52,550 --> 00:16:54,641 - You do? - Yeah. Matter of fact, 337 00:16:54,817 --> 00:16:56,408 we even try to sit on the same side of the booth 338 00:16:56,518 --> 00:16:58,009 so you two will have to sit together. 339 00:16:58,121 --> 00:17:00,112 Really? That's so sweet. 340 00:17:00,356 --> 00:17:05,453 But let's be clear. I don't love her. Okay? 341 00:17:05,662 --> 00:17:08,460 I just miss her when she's not around. 342 00:17:08,565 --> 00:17:10,397 I think about her all the time, and I imagine us one day 343 00:17:10,501 --> 00:17:11,967 running towards each other in slow motion, 344 00:17:12,068 --> 00:17:14,502 and I'm wearing a brown suede vest. 345 00:17:14,836 --> 00:17:16,202 Are you ever going to tell her how you feel? 346 00:17:16,506 --> 00:17:19,600 No. Maybe. Never. I don't know. Look... 347 00:17:19,709 --> 00:17:20,734 (EX CLAIMS) 348 00:17:20,844 --> 00:17:24,335 I just need to get that PJ idiot away from her. 349 00:17:24,447 --> 00:17:27,781 If Lily were here, she'd know exactly how to get rid of him. 350 00:17:27,952 --> 00:17:29,010 Maybe I can help. 351 00:17:29,119 --> 00:17:31,246 Marshall, you're no Lily. 352 00:17:31,355 --> 00:17:33,414 Lily is a diabolical puppet master, 353 00:17:33,524 --> 00:17:37,289 subtly manipulating every situation to get exactly what she wants. 354 00:17:37,393 --> 00:17:39,828 She's pure evil, Marshall. 355 00:17:40,097 --> 00:17:43,261 You got a good one there. Hang on to her. 356 00:17:43,468 --> 00:17:47,028 OLDER TED: Meanwhile, my bizarre tug of war with Robin over PJ continued. 357 00:17:47,271 --> 00:17:51,174 Hey, PJ. I was about to go on my wisdom walk. 358 00:17:51,475 --> 00:17:54,410 - Want to join me? - ROBIN: Hey, PJ. 359 00:17:54,578 --> 00:17:57,172 I took the bathroom key without asking. 360 00:17:57,348 --> 00:17:58,679 What are you going to do about it? 361 00:17:58,782 --> 00:17:59,840 (SIGHING) 362 00:17:59,950 --> 00:18:02,146 Look, you guys are both great, 363 00:18:02,286 --> 00:18:05,153 but the truth is I'm taking another job. 364 00:18:05,690 --> 00:18:07,156 These are for you. 365 00:18:07,257 --> 00:18:09,851 Robin, I hope this letter offers some closure. 366 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,862 Ted, I'm really going to miss you. 367 00:18:15,567 --> 00:18:17,693 You can't trade Manny Ramirez for two middle relievers! 368 00:18:17,801 --> 00:18:19,531 If you veto that trade, I am out of the league! 369 00:18:19,638 --> 00:18:22,266 Okay! Okay! I'll figure it out. 370 00:18:25,376 --> 00:18:27,844 Hire the kid to be a paralegal. 371 00:18:27,945 --> 00:18:31,075 He gets to do all the work, and you still get to be Sports Guy. 372 00:18:31,217 --> 00:18:34,482 Pure evil, Eriksen. Pure evil. 373 00:18:36,821 --> 00:18:38,619 Hey, thanks. 374 00:18:42,961 --> 00:18:45,122 Hey. You okay? 375 00:18:48,066 --> 00:18:51,901 - What if I don't think of the books? - Excuse me? 376 00:18:52,071 --> 00:18:53,504 There's this famous architecture story 377 00:18:53,606 --> 00:18:56,473 about an architect who designed this library. 378 00:18:56,709 --> 00:18:58,198 It was perfect. 379 00:18:58,477 --> 00:19:03,312 But every year, the whole thing would sink a couple of inches into the ground. 380 00:19:03,917 --> 00:19:06,441 Eventually, the building was condemned. 381 00:19:07,353 --> 00:19:11,313 He forgot to account for the weight of the books. 382 00:19:11,891 --> 00:19:15,055 This company, it's just me. 383 00:19:16,195 --> 00:19:18,562 What if I don't think of the books? 384 00:19:18,799 --> 00:19:23,600 Okay, first of all, nobody goes to libraries anymore, so who cares about that guy? 385 00:19:23,737 --> 00:19:28,002 Secondly, you need to get on the phone and start calling clients. 386 00:19:28,207 --> 00:19:30,005 The longer I put off starting my own firm, 387 00:19:30,109 --> 00:19:34,740 the longer it can remain a dream and not something I screwed up at. 388 00:19:35,514 --> 00:19:38,574 I mean, it's like I'm giving up before I even started. 389 00:19:38,718 --> 00:19:40,550 You want to talk about giving up? 390 00:19:40,654 --> 00:19:46,388 I used to describe my ideal guy as funny, smart, passionate, challenging. 391 00:19:46,493 --> 00:19:50,657 And now, apparently, I will settle for "in my apartment." 392 00:19:51,799 --> 00:19:54,267 I mean, didn't you think you'd have it all more figured out by now? 393 00:19:54,368 --> 00:19:57,734 Are you kidding? By 30, I was going to be annoyingly successful, 394 00:19:57,938 --> 00:20:00,805 married to the perfect woman, maybe a kid on the way. 395 00:20:00,907 --> 00:20:03,933 Instead, I'm just some guy sitting in his apartment 396 00:20:04,045 --> 00:20:07,070 having a staring contest with his phone. 397 00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:09,307 And losing. 398 00:20:10,350 --> 00:20:13,252 Hey. You can take that thing. 399 00:20:17,325 --> 00:20:18,416 (SIGHS) 400 00:20:30,638 --> 00:20:33,129 Hi, this is Ted Mosby of Mosbius Designs. 401 00:20:33,241 --> 00:20:35,335 I'm calling to inquire about any design needs you may have 402 00:20:35,477 --> 00:20:36,499 now or in the future. 403 00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:37,635 That sounds great, buddy. 404 00:20:37,745 --> 00:20:38,973 - Really? I sound confident? - Yup. 405 00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:41,412 - Now call an actual client. - Great. 406 00:20:46,321 --> 00:20:47,617 Hey, Food Guy! 407 00:20:49,090 --> 00:20:51,058 Hey, Toy Guy! 408 00:20:56,131 --> 00:20:57,428 Who's that guy? 409 00:20:58,933 --> 00:21:00,458 He doesn't work here. 410 00:21:00,769 --> 00:21:03,169 - I think we should leave the building. - Really? 411 00:21:03,272 --> 00:21:05,399 This has happened before.