1 00:00:01,415 --> 00:00:03,713 Great. So, I'll give you a call. 2 00:00:03,984 --> 00:00:05,918 - Hope you do. - All right. 3 00:00:07,822 --> 00:00:10,916 - Look at this. - Hey, I just got that girl's number. 4 00:00:11,025 --> 00:00:12,959 Check it out. Holli. 5 00:00:13,294 --> 00:00:14,318 Nice! 6 00:00:14,428 --> 00:00:18,091 Girls whose names end in "L-Y" are always dirty. 7 00:00:18,199 --> 00:00:21,999 - Holly, Kelly, Carly, Lily... - Hey! 8 00:00:23,737 --> 00:00:25,466 Yeah, no, it's true. 9 00:00:25,906 --> 00:00:28,898 Don't even get me started on girls 10 00:00:29,009 --> 00:00:32,274 whose names should end in "Y," but instead end in "I." 11 00:00:32,379 --> 00:00:34,643 Those girls are like roller coasters. 12 00:00:34,748 --> 00:00:36,978 You got to wait in a long line, but once you get up there, 13 00:00:37,084 --> 00:00:39,314 you just hold on for dear life and hope you don't drop your keys. 14 00:00:39,420 --> 00:00:40,409 (ALL LAUGHING) 15 00:00:40,521 --> 00:00:43,490 Hey, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call her right now. 16 00:00:43,591 --> 00:00:47,459 I'm gonna do that whole, "Hey, remember me? It's been so long." 17 00:00:48,329 --> 00:00:51,457 - See, it's funny, because I just saw her. - Dude, you can't call her. 18 00:00:51,565 --> 00:00:54,227 You have to wait three days to call a woman. That's the rule. 19 00:00:54,335 --> 00:00:57,566 Barney, that rule is completely played out. Girls know exactly what you're doing. 20 00:00:57,671 --> 00:00:59,764 Hey! I got a new rule. 21 00:00:59,874 --> 00:01:04,140 It's kind of crazy, but I call it, "You like her, you call her." 22 00:01:04,445 --> 00:01:07,414 I'm sorry, can you repeat that? I don't speak l-never-get-laid. 23 00:01:07,515 --> 00:01:08,743 (ROBIN AND MARSHALL LAUGHING) 24 00:01:08,849 --> 00:01:13,445 Barney, the three-days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that? 25 00:01:14,755 --> 00:01:15,881 Jesus. 26 00:01:15,990 --> 00:01:18,788 Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus. 27 00:01:19,059 --> 00:01:22,995 Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait three days thing. 28 00:01:23,097 --> 00:01:26,328 He waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect. 29 00:01:26,433 --> 00:01:27,832 If he'd have only waited one day, 30 00:01:27,935 --> 00:01:29,835 a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. 31 00:01:29,937 --> 00:01:32,371 They'd be all, "Hey, Jesus, what up?" 32 00:01:32,473 --> 00:01:36,273 And Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I died yesterday." 33 00:01:36,877 --> 00:01:40,278 And then they'd be all, "You look pretty alive to me, dude." 34 00:01:40,381 --> 00:01:42,781 And then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, 35 00:01:42,883 --> 00:01:44,111 and how it was a miracle. 36 00:01:44,218 --> 00:01:48,086 And then the dude would be like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro." 37 00:01:48,589 --> 00:01:51,615 Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now. 38 00:01:51,725 --> 00:01:53,716 And he's not gonna come back on a Saturday. 39 00:01:53,827 --> 00:01:56,159 Everybody's busy doing chores. 40 00:01:56,263 --> 00:01:58,197 Working the loom, trimming their beards. 41 00:01:58,299 --> 00:02:02,167 No. He waits the exact right number of days. 42 00:02:02,836 --> 00:02:03,860 Three. 43 00:02:03,971 --> 00:02:07,964 Okay, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking. 44 00:02:08,075 --> 00:02:11,010 Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. 45 00:02:11,111 --> 00:02:14,478 They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead." 46 00:02:14,582 --> 00:02:18,416 Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. 47 00:02:18,519 --> 00:02:23,013 Everyone's totally psyched. And FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. 48 00:02:23,123 --> 00:02:26,752 Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman, 49 00:02:27,027 --> 00:02:30,053 because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. 50 00:02:32,499 --> 00:02:33,523 True story. 51 00:02:33,634 --> 00:02:34,601 (ROBIN LAUGHING) 52 00:02:34,625 --> 00:02:42,625 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 53 00:02:47,715 --> 00:02:51,811 Okay, fine. I promise. I won't call Holli for three days. 54 00:02:52,219 --> 00:02:54,847 OLDER TED: But I never said anything about texting. 55 00:02:54,955 --> 00:02:57,719 I started things off with something cute and charming. 56 00:02:57,825 --> 00:02:58,883 TED: "I was thinking about you, 57 00:02:58,993 --> 00:03:02,019 "so I thought I'd send you a little texty text. " 58 00:03:02,129 --> 00:03:06,327 OLDER TED: And the moment I hit "Send," I realized it wasn't cute at all. 59 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:09,394 It was the lamest thing anyone has ever said to anyone. 60 00:03:10,104 --> 00:03:13,904 And the worst thing about texting is that once you send it... 61 00:03:15,876 --> 00:03:16,843 Oh! 62 00:03:17,945 --> 00:03:18,969 No! 63 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:21,739 OLDER TED: you can never get it back. 64 00:03:21,849 --> 00:03:24,147 And then, you wait. 65 00:03:24,518 --> 00:03:27,976 And just when you've decided never to text anyone ever again... 66 00:03:28,088 --> 00:03:29,487 (CELL PHONE BEEPING) 67 00:03:29,590 --> 00:03:31,888 HOLLl: "I've been thinking about you, too, 68 00:03:31,992 --> 00:03:35,951 "and how weird is it that you texted me while I was in the bath?" 69 00:03:39,299 --> 00:03:41,096 (SNICKERING) 70 00:03:42,436 --> 00:03:43,903 - What was that? - What? 71 00:03:44,004 --> 00:03:46,996 - You made a noise. - That was my phone. I got a text. 72 00:03:47,107 --> 00:03:49,575 Not that. You made your naked lady noise. 73 00:03:49,677 --> 00:03:52,077 - What? - Whenever you see a naked lady, 74 00:03:52,179 --> 00:03:53,942 you make the noise... 75 00:03:54,048 --> 00:03:55,606 (MIMICKING TED SNICKERING) 76 00:03:56,216 --> 00:03:58,184 - I don't do that. - Really? 77 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:01,109 (LILY SHRIEKING) 78 00:04:01,221 --> 00:04:02,848 Oh God, sorry, Lily. 79 00:04:04,525 --> 00:04:06,117 (TED SNICKERING) 80 00:04:07,795 --> 00:04:09,285 MAN ON TV: While the men are out hunting, 81 00:04:09,396 --> 00:04:11,591 the women of New Guinea 's indigenous Korowai tribe 82 00:04:11,699 --> 00:04:13,997 wash their clothes in the river. 83 00:04:14,168 --> 00:04:15,897 (TED SNICKERING) 84 00:04:17,705 --> 00:04:19,400 (TED SNICKERING) 85 00:04:21,208 --> 00:04:23,073 That's totally a boob. 86 00:04:24,011 --> 00:04:25,000 (CELL PHONE BEEPING) 87 00:04:25,112 --> 00:04:28,639 Is that Holli who keeps texting you? Didn't you promise to wait three days? 88 00:04:28,749 --> 00:04:31,217 To call, yes. Texting is totally different. 89 00:04:31,318 --> 00:04:34,754 (SIGHING) Okay, well, just try to keep the naked lady noises to a minimum. 90 00:04:34,855 --> 00:04:37,187 I don't make a naked lady noise. 91 00:04:37,725 --> 00:04:38,714 (CLEARING THROAT) 92 00:04:38,826 --> 00:04:40,020 Really? 93 00:04:42,296 --> 00:04:43,786 (SNICKERING) 94 00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:49,892 OLDER TED: Holli and I stayed up texting until 2:00 in the morning. 95 00:04:50,637 --> 00:04:54,164 And we spent the whole next day texting each other, too. 96 00:04:54,274 --> 00:04:55,798 She seemed perfect. 97 00:04:57,144 --> 00:05:00,170 Oh wow. Holli just told me what she's wearing right now. 98 00:05:00,280 --> 00:05:01,645 It is pretty hot. 99 00:05:01,749 --> 00:05:04,741 Yeah, whatever it is, I can guarantee you she's not wearing it. 100 00:05:04,852 --> 00:05:08,117 - She's lying to you to make you like her. - How do you know that? 101 00:05:08,222 --> 00:05:09,246 Mmm. 102 00:05:09,356 --> 00:05:11,688 Because no woman in the history of the world is ever 103 00:05:11,792 --> 00:05:14,317 "just sitting around reading architecture magazines 104 00:05:14,428 --> 00:05:16,828 "in my old cheerleader uniform." 105 00:05:17,797 --> 00:05:21,096 Okay, maybe she's lying about the architecture magazines. 106 00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:22,394 Mmm-hmm. 107 00:05:23,002 --> 00:05:24,230 (CELL PHONE BEEPING) 108 00:05:25,938 --> 00:05:27,132 Oh, no. 109 00:05:27,774 --> 00:05:29,799 - Oh, no, this is bad. - What? 110 00:05:29,909 --> 00:05:33,845 She just sent me a text that was clearly meant for someone else. 111 00:05:34,914 --> 00:05:39,180 "Hey, baby, I picked up some take out from Generro's. Be home soon." 112 00:05:39,285 --> 00:05:42,550 Okay, yes, this sounds bad, but let's think about this, okay? 113 00:05:42,655 --> 00:05:46,523 It could be for a brother or maybe her sick dad. 114 00:05:46,626 --> 00:05:47,991 Scroll down. 115 00:05:49,428 --> 00:05:52,625 "And then I want you to do me on the couch." 116 00:05:54,133 --> 00:05:56,192 Okay, maybe not a sick dad. 117 00:05:56,702 --> 00:05:59,603 Or a very sick dad. Am I right? 118 00:05:59,772 --> 00:06:00,739 (LAUGHING) 119 00:06:01,941 --> 00:06:03,067 Sorry. 120 00:06:04,477 --> 00:06:05,637 Hey, guys. 121 00:06:05,745 --> 00:06:07,110 - Hey. - Hey. 122 00:06:07,914 --> 00:06:09,347 What is this? 123 00:06:10,116 --> 00:06:12,846 Oh. It's some take out from Generro's. I'm bringing it home for Lily. 124 00:06:13,286 --> 00:06:17,848 That's weird. Holli just texted Ted something about take out from Generro's. 125 00:06:19,859 --> 00:06:21,326 Wait a second. 126 00:06:21,961 --> 00:06:23,690 You sons of bitches! 127 00:06:23,996 --> 00:06:25,054 What? 128 00:06:25,531 --> 00:06:26,964 You're Holli. 129 00:06:31,984 --> 00:06:34,919 So Ted hasn't been texting Holli at all? 130 00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:36,510 He's been texting you two? 131 00:06:36,622 --> 00:06:39,682 Look, we knew he'd try to call her before the three days, 132 00:06:39,792 --> 00:06:43,523 so I swiped his phone and I changed her number to my work cell. 133 00:06:43,629 --> 00:06:46,530 We were just gonna bust on him for calling her too soon, 134 00:06:46,632 --> 00:06:48,964 but then he started texting her. 135 00:06:49,101 --> 00:06:50,227 (CELL PHONE BUZZING) 136 00:06:50,469 --> 00:06:52,232 "Texty text"? 137 00:06:52,571 --> 00:06:56,769 Oh Ted. Oh poor, sweet Ted. We should... 138 00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:59,173 - We should tell him it's us. - Yeah. 139 00:06:59,278 --> 00:07:00,336 Or... 140 00:07:00,779 --> 00:07:03,748 We pretend we're Holli, and we're in the bath. 141 00:07:04,983 --> 00:07:06,712 Yeah, that's better. 142 00:07:07,586 --> 00:07:09,178 (SNICKERING) 143 00:07:09,822 --> 00:07:11,380 (LAUGHING) 144 00:07:12,524 --> 00:07:13,889 That was fun. 145 00:07:13,992 --> 00:07:16,654 - We should tell him that it's us. - Yeah, we should. 146 00:07:16,762 --> 00:07:17,820 Or... 147 00:07:18,263 --> 00:07:20,493 We tell him our favorite color is red, 148 00:07:20,599 --> 00:07:23,466 and we think the "cowboy" look is very sexy. 149 00:07:24,136 --> 00:07:25,603 Yeah, that's better. 150 00:07:26,638 --> 00:07:30,631 TED: I'm wearing them right now, and they do look sexy. 151 00:07:32,311 --> 00:07:35,303 - He put on the boots! - He totally put on the boots! 152 00:07:35,414 --> 00:07:36,403 (LAUGHING) 153 00:07:36,515 --> 00:07:38,107 That was awesome! 154 00:07:38,217 --> 00:07:41,846 But it's time to tell him who he really put those boots on for. 155 00:07:41,954 --> 00:07:43,717 Yeah. Or... 156 00:07:44,289 --> 00:07:46,348 We just took off our shirt. 157 00:07:47,292 --> 00:07:49,021 Yeah, that's better. 158 00:07:49,862 --> 00:07:53,958 You think maybe we're wearing a black lace bra underneath? 159 00:07:55,167 --> 00:07:57,397 I don't think we're wearing anything underneath. 160 00:07:57,502 --> 00:07:58,992 God, we're hot. 161 00:08:00,005 --> 00:08:01,131 (CELL PHONE BUZZING) 162 00:08:01,707 --> 00:08:04,232 Now he's only wearing the cowboy boots! 163 00:08:04,343 --> 00:08:06,243 - It is on! - It is so on! 164 00:08:06,345 --> 00:08:10,042 Okay, tell him that we're slowly slipping out of our... 165 00:08:12,184 --> 00:08:13,811 What are we doing? 166 00:08:16,021 --> 00:08:17,682 I think that we're 167 00:08:17,789 --> 00:08:19,848 about to have sex with Ted. 168 00:08:23,095 --> 00:08:24,084 (MARSHALL EXHALING) 169 00:08:24,196 --> 00:08:27,654 So you did this to him all day? That's just mean. 170 00:08:27,766 --> 00:08:31,258 No! No, no, it was actually for his own good. 171 00:08:31,370 --> 00:08:34,464 We're protecting him from himself. He really likes this girl. 172 00:08:34,573 --> 00:08:36,040 He had that look in his eye. 173 00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:40,305 Yeah, that crazy "I'm about to move too fast and screw this up" look. 174 00:08:40,412 --> 00:08:42,778 It was actually the same look he had on his first date with you. 175 00:08:42,881 --> 00:08:44,906 - We all remember how that went. - Yeah. 176 00:08:45,484 --> 00:08:48,044 - I think I'm in love with you. - What? 177 00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:54,158 Yeah, well, I think I was a special case. This Holli is no Robin Scherbatsky. 178 00:08:55,127 --> 00:08:58,324 And what is the deal with her hair? I mean, newsflash, 179 00:08:58,430 --> 00:09:01,297 they make conditioners that don't leave a buildup. 180 00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:02,731 I'm so bad. 181 00:09:03,135 --> 00:09:05,729 Look, it's been a while since Ted really liked someone. 182 00:09:05,837 --> 00:09:08,431 He's clearly got a lot of crazy stored up. We just... 183 00:09:08,540 --> 00:09:10,303 We thought we'd get him to say, "I love you" 184 00:09:10,409 --> 00:09:12,206 before he makes contact with this girl. 185 00:09:12,311 --> 00:09:15,508 And you can tell it's on the way. He's exhibiting all the telltale signs. 186 00:09:15,614 --> 00:09:18,481 Yeah. One, he joked about getting married. 187 00:09:18,583 --> 00:09:21,347 "You like architecture? We should get married. 188 00:09:21,453 --> 00:09:25,287 "Ha-ha. LOL. Just kidding. Question mark." 189 00:09:26,224 --> 00:09:29,716 Two, he made a crazy way-too-soon trip suggestion. 190 00:09:30,228 --> 00:09:31,525 "I like beer, too. 191 00:09:31,630 --> 00:09:33,791 "We should totally go to Germany together. 192 00:09:33,899 --> 00:09:36,561 "LOL. JK. LOL." 193 00:09:38,236 --> 00:09:41,763 And three, he got way too personal way too soon. 194 00:09:42,107 --> 00:09:45,099 "Yeah, my parents got divorced a couple years back. 195 00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:46,939 "It was really tough. 196 00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:48,205 "LOL." 197 00:09:49,414 --> 00:09:51,575 And he clearly doesn't know what LOL means. 198 00:09:51,683 --> 00:09:53,048 Yeah, but here's the real problem. 199 00:09:53,151 --> 00:09:56,746 Ted wasn't saying, "I love you" as easily as we thought he would. 200 00:09:56,855 --> 00:09:58,618 Then we met Stan. 201 00:09:59,424 --> 00:10:00,482 (CELL PHONE BUZZING) 202 00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:03,284 (BOTH EX CLAIMING) 203 00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:04,521 (LAUGHING) 204 00:10:05,998 --> 00:10:08,626 Why are you making so much noise, man? 205 00:10:09,568 --> 00:10:13,004 So we explained everything to him, and when we were done, 206 00:10:13,105 --> 00:10:14,538 something amazing happened. 207 00:10:15,273 --> 00:10:17,468 Why don't you tell Ted that just knowing he's out there 208 00:10:17,576 --> 00:10:21,239 thinking about you, caring about you, makes you feel safe? 209 00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:25,076 So all your fears, all your yesterdays wash away, 210 00:10:25,183 --> 00:10:28,448 and only hope remains in the promise of his embrace. 211 00:10:30,822 --> 00:10:35,418 - Wow. Go, Stan! Who is this guy? - He's a security guard who works nights. 212 00:10:35,527 --> 00:10:37,188 And he eats lunch at MacLaren's every day. 213 00:10:37,295 --> 00:10:39,889 - And he wasn't done. - Not by a long shot. 214 00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:42,927 You make me thank God for every mistake I ever made 215 00:10:43,035 --> 00:10:46,801 because each one led me down the path that brought me to you. 216 00:10:47,706 --> 00:10:49,970 That's, like, really nice, man. 217 00:10:50,409 --> 00:10:52,138 (VOICE BREAKING) Whatever. It's okay. 218 00:10:53,578 --> 00:10:57,207 HOLLl: "And when we finally come together, I want you to hold me. " 219 00:10:57,315 --> 00:11:00,409 Hold me all night. Stroke my hair. 220 00:11:00,719 --> 00:11:03,711 Tell me I'm a woman and show me you're a man. 221 00:11:03,822 --> 00:11:05,790 Until there was only now. 222 00:11:05,891 --> 00:11:09,657 You and I and now. 223 00:11:10,395 --> 00:11:11,453 Yes! 224 00:11:13,198 --> 00:11:16,497 You want me to text that to Ted. I know that. 225 00:11:18,737 --> 00:11:21,171 HOLLl: "I do not ask of the night explanations 226 00:11:21,273 --> 00:11:23,969 "I wait for it and it envelops me 227 00:11:24,276 --> 00:11:29,771 "And so you and bread and light And shadow are" 228 00:11:30,816 --> 00:11:32,545 That's Pablo Neruda. 229 00:11:33,018 --> 00:11:36,044 I don't know what bread was doing in there, 230 00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:38,281 but that touched me here 231 00:11:40,025 --> 00:11:41,253 and here. 232 00:11:41,726 --> 00:11:44,160 Well, if Ted won't say it, I will. 233 00:11:45,430 --> 00:11:46,761 I love you. 234 00:11:49,134 --> 00:11:50,499 That's cool. 235 00:11:52,571 --> 00:11:55,301 - Still nothing, huh? - Maybe he's not in love with us. 236 00:11:55,407 --> 00:11:58,103 How can he not be in love with us? We're everything he's looking for. 237 00:11:58,210 --> 00:11:59,768 I don't get men. 238 00:12:00,278 --> 00:12:01,267 (SIGHING) 239 00:12:01,379 --> 00:12:02,437 Gotta head to work. 240 00:12:02,547 --> 00:12:04,174 Will you be back? 241 00:12:05,150 --> 00:12:08,950 I'll be back when the wind and fates and chance bring me back. 242 00:12:09,421 --> 00:12:11,184 Which will be tomorrow. 243 00:12:11,289 --> 00:12:13,154 It's cheese steak day. 244 00:12:15,694 --> 00:12:18,663 Wow! It sounds like you were all over this guy. 245 00:12:18,763 --> 00:12:21,061 Hope his girlfriend didn't get jealous. 246 00:12:21,166 --> 00:12:23,566 Did he mention a girlfriend, or... 247 00:12:24,536 --> 00:12:25,764 It was all going great, 248 00:12:25,871 --> 00:12:28,533 until Marshall sent Ted a text meant for Lily 249 00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:31,040 - and ruined everything. - Well, it doesn't matter, okay? 250 00:12:31,143 --> 00:12:34,340 It's over now. I gotta get going, but here's what's gonna happen. 251 00:12:34,446 --> 00:12:38,815 You're going to call him right now, tell him what you did, and apologize. 252 00:12:38,917 --> 00:12:40,509 - You got it? - Yes. 253 00:12:44,256 --> 00:12:45,314 Or... 254 00:12:46,291 --> 00:12:49,260 Holli explained everything. It was all just a misunderstanding. 255 00:12:49,361 --> 00:12:51,659 - Everything's great now. - Really? 256 00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:54,463 How did Holli explain her way out of that one? 257 00:12:54,566 --> 00:12:58,263 Well, apparently, her dumb friend Marsha accidentally used her phone 258 00:12:58,370 --> 00:13:01,498 - to text her husband, Billy. - Marsha and Billy. 259 00:13:01,606 --> 00:13:04,006 No one sprained any muscles there. 260 00:13:04,543 --> 00:13:06,841 And now we are better than ever. 261 00:13:07,212 --> 00:13:09,339 Look, I know this sounds crazy, 262 00:13:09,447 --> 00:13:12,507 but I think I might actually be falling for this girl. 263 00:13:12,617 --> 00:13:15,745 - You're falling for Barney and Marshall. - What? 264 00:13:15,854 --> 00:13:18,322 They didn't believe that you could wait the three days, 265 00:13:18,423 --> 00:13:21,859 so Barney changed her number in your phone to his work cell. 266 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,985 Holli is Barney and Marshall. 267 00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:26,563 Wait, that whole time, it was them? 268 00:13:27,332 --> 00:13:29,323 TED: So Holli wasn't in the bath? 269 00:13:29,935 --> 00:13:31,027 (LAUGHING) 270 00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:36,134 TED: Or sitting by her window, looking up at the stars, thinking about me? 271 00:13:39,911 --> 00:13:44,211 Or lounging in her old cheerleader uniform, reading architecture magazines? 272 00:13:47,686 --> 00:13:50,314 Yeah. I don't think they actually did those things. 273 00:13:50,422 --> 00:13:52,413 They were just at the bar. 274 00:13:52,524 --> 00:13:54,719 - Right. - But, yeah, it was them. 275 00:13:56,361 --> 00:13:58,352 - Unbelievable! - I know. 276 00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:00,328 So you might as well tell them you're on to them. 277 00:14:00,432 --> 00:14:01,490 Yeah. 278 00:14:02,267 --> 00:14:03,325 Or... 279 00:14:04,336 --> 00:14:07,601 I text them something that'll really mess with their heads. 280 00:14:07,706 --> 00:14:10,903 Oh I gotcha. Okay. How about, 281 00:14:11,710 --> 00:14:16,272 "I haven't told any of my friends yet, but I only have three months to live"? 282 00:14:16,381 --> 00:14:20,374 Not bad. How about, "I once killed a man with a shovel, 283 00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:22,885 "and those feelings are creeping up again"? 284 00:14:22,988 --> 00:14:27,391 Uh-huh. I liked that thing someone said before about having three months to live. 285 00:14:27,492 --> 00:14:31,986 How about, "I've never told anyone this, but I slept with my best friend's mom"? 286 00:14:32,097 --> 00:14:34,930 That is good, but I feel like we keep coming back 287 00:14:35,033 --> 00:14:37,024 to that three-months-to-live thing. 288 00:14:37,135 --> 00:14:39,569 - Wait. I think I got it. - Yeah? 289 00:14:41,072 --> 00:14:42,039 (CELL PHONE BUZZING) 290 00:14:42,140 --> 00:14:43,664 (EX CLAIMING DELIGHTEDLY) He texted back! 291 00:14:44,743 --> 00:14:47,234 "I probably shouldn't tell you this. 292 00:14:47,612 --> 00:14:49,341 "I mean, we barely know each other. 293 00:14:49,447 --> 00:14:50,436 (GIGGLING) 294 00:14:50,548 --> 00:14:52,812 "But what the hell, I'll just say it." 295 00:14:52,917 --> 00:14:55,351 This is it, dude. Here comes the "I love you." 296 00:14:55,453 --> 00:14:57,785 - I wish Stan were here. - Stan. 297 00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:00,316 (CELL PHONE BUZZING) 298 00:15:00,825 --> 00:15:02,190 - (GASPING) Whoa! - What? 299 00:15:03,361 --> 00:15:07,092 "I sometimes have gay dreams about my best friend." 300 00:15:13,338 --> 00:15:17,001 "I sometimes have gay dreams about my best friend." 301 00:15:17,509 --> 00:15:21,070 Why in the world would Ted text a girl he barely knows 302 00:15:21,179 --> 00:15:23,079 that he sometimes has gay dreams about me? 303 00:15:23,181 --> 00:15:25,274 Whoa, whoa, slow your roll. 304 00:15:25,684 --> 00:15:28,676 You? He's clearly talking about me. 305 00:15:28,787 --> 00:15:33,121 - Dude, it's me. I'm his best friend. - Okay. One, that has never been proven. 306 00:15:33,224 --> 00:15:37,524 Two, if anyone were to have gay dreams about one of us, it would be me. 307 00:15:38,029 --> 00:15:40,554 I mean, look at me. Now look at you. 308 00:15:40,865 --> 00:15:44,631 A still-in-the-closet 80-year-old wouldn't be into that mess. 309 00:15:45,537 --> 00:15:48,700 Here's the thing, Barney. I'm snuggly. You're not. 310 00:15:49,107 --> 00:15:52,701 Who wouldn't want to snuggle up next to this business on a Sunday morning? 311 00:15:52,810 --> 00:15:55,335 Wrapped in a comforter, and it's raining outside, 312 00:15:55,446 --> 00:15:59,940 and there's muffins warming in the oven. I'm cuddly, bitch. Deal with it. 313 00:16:00,050 --> 00:16:02,018 I work out every day. 314 00:16:02,119 --> 00:16:05,850 If there is one thing we know about Ted, it's that he likes a nice body. 315 00:16:05,956 --> 00:16:07,480 This body would rock his world. 316 00:16:07,591 --> 00:16:10,355 Ted and I have a history. I know what he likes. 317 00:16:10,461 --> 00:16:14,261 There are things I could do to him that would blow his mind... 318 00:16:16,867 --> 00:16:18,425 Why do we keep trying to have sex with Ted? 319 00:16:18,535 --> 00:16:20,526 I don't know. It's weird. 320 00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:24,806 Crazy, right? Ted's having gay dreams about me? 321 00:16:24,908 --> 00:16:28,969 And by me, he means M-E, Marshall Eriksen, 322 00:16:29,079 --> 00:16:31,070 star of Ted's gay dreams. 323 00:16:31,749 --> 00:16:34,980 Who cares? So Ted has gay dreams about one of you guys. 324 00:16:35,085 --> 00:16:38,452 It's not like you found out he has three months to live. 325 00:16:38,555 --> 00:16:41,285 That's, like, shocking, right? 326 00:16:42,226 --> 00:16:46,322 Whoa! Take a look at this guy. How's it going, best friend of 12 years? 327 00:16:46,430 --> 00:16:47,522 (TED SIGHING) 328 00:16:47,998 --> 00:16:50,330 Well, it's kind of weird, 329 00:16:51,068 --> 00:16:54,526 but I had this crazy dream the other night. It's a little embarrassing. 330 00:16:54,638 --> 00:16:57,038 You can tell us, Ted. This is a safe space. 331 00:16:57,141 --> 00:17:00,133 Yeah, your feelings are perfectly natural, buddy. 332 00:17:00,244 --> 00:17:02,303 Okay. Here's what happened. 333 00:17:03,447 --> 00:17:04,414 So I'm at the... 334 00:17:04,515 --> 00:17:07,575 OLDER TED: And then I proceeded to waste a half hour of those bastards'lives, 335 00:17:07,684 --> 00:17:09,151 telling them about this dream I had 336 00:17:09,253 --> 00:17:12,984 where I ate dinner with my top five favorite architects throughout history. 337 00:17:13,090 --> 00:17:14,853 And then, at the end of the meal, 338 00:17:14,958 --> 00:17:18,257 Frank Gehry slides the check over to I.M. Pei, and he says, 339 00:17:18,362 --> 00:17:21,991 "Buddy, tonight, your name is I.M. Paying." 340 00:17:22,099 --> 00:17:23,088 (GUFFAWING) 341 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:26,033 Buckminster Fuller almost did a spit take. 342 00:17:28,038 --> 00:17:29,733 And then I woke up. 343 00:17:31,308 --> 00:17:32,798 So, that's it? 344 00:17:32,910 --> 00:17:38,075 No other dreams? Nothing confusing or erotic? 345 00:17:38,816 --> 00:17:39,840 No. 346 00:17:40,851 --> 00:17:43,877 Okay, how about this? Ted, you know how, at some point in the future, 347 00:17:43,987 --> 00:17:45,818 - machines will rise up against us? - Sure. 348 00:17:45,923 --> 00:17:49,256 Okay. So the machines, they've killed everybody, 349 00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:51,858 and all that's left is you, 350 00:17:53,230 --> 00:17:54,219 me, 351 00:17:54,998 --> 00:17:56,329 and Barney. 352 00:17:57,034 --> 00:17:59,332 Which one of us would you, like, 353 00:18:01,505 --> 00:18:02,733 get with? 354 00:18:04,741 --> 00:18:08,302 (CLEARING THROAT) And why do I have to "get with" one of you? 355 00:18:09,079 --> 00:18:10,376 The machines are forcing you. 356 00:18:10,481 --> 00:18:13,712 They want to watch. That's just how they get down. 357 00:18:14,084 --> 00:18:18,783 That's a tough one. I guess it would have to be... 358 00:18:21,892 --> 00:18:23,018 Holli. 359 00:18:24,261 --> 00:18:25,626 Robin told me what you guys did. 360 00:18:25,729 --> 00:18:27,458 That's why I made up the gay dreams thing. 361 00:18:27,564 --> 00:18:29,794 - Guys, this is Holli. - Hi. 362 00:18:30,300 --> 00:18:32,825 And I didn't wait your precious three days to call her. 363 00:18:32,936 --> 00:18:35,427 I knew where she worked, so I tracked her down. 364 00:18:35,539 --> 00:18:39,771 - Let me ask you. Did I call you too soon? - I love that he called me right away. 365 00:18:39,877 --> 00:18:41,970 I found it very romantic. 366 00:18:42,079 --> 00:18:43,740 And by the way, I don't sit around my apartment 367 00:18:43,847 --> 00:18:47,749 reading architecture magazines in my old cheerleader uniform. 368 00:18:47,851 --> 00:18:49,910 I do that completely naked. 369 00:18:51,054 --> 00:18:52,646 (TED SNICKERING) 370 00:18:54,525 --> 00:18:56,891 So Holli and I are going out to dinner. 371 00:18:56,994 --> 00:18:59,258 - I'll meet you out front. - Okay. 372 00:19:00,764 --> 00:19:03,597 I'm sorry, buddy. We were just trying to help you. 373 00:19:03,700 --> 00:19:06,134 And, also, it was really fun. 374 00:19:08,572 --> 00:19:12,064 I don't need your help, okay? I can take care of myself. 375 00:19:12,409 --> 00:19:14,639 And, yeah, maybe there are some girls 376 00:19:14,745 --> 00:19:16,645 who wouldn't like it that I called them right away 377 00:19:16,747 --> 00:19:21,582 or said things too soon, but guess what? Those aren't the right girls for me. 378 00:19:21,685 --> 00:19:26,122 Maybe the right girl is the one who loves that I do those things because... 379 00:19:26,223 --> 00:19:28,555 That's just who I am, and I'm not gonna change 380 00:19:28,659 --> 00:19:31,355 because of some stupid three-days rule. 381 00:19:32,829 --> 00:19:36,629 Oh! And Holli spells her name with an "I." 382 00:19:38,635 --> 00:19:41,399 OLDER TED: So I had proven that the three-days rule was wrong, 383 00:19:41,505 --> 00:19:43,666 and I was out to dinner with a pretty girl. 384 00:19:43,774 --> 00:19:45,742 And until right now, I've never told anyone 385 00:19:45,842 --> 00:19:47,867 the truth about what happened on that date. 386 00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:51,914 That's so funny! I love indie music, too. We should get married. 387 00:19:52,115 --> 00:19:53,104 Ha, ha. 388 00:19:53,216 --> 00:19:54,683 Just kidding. 389 00:19:54,918 --> 00:19:56,146 Or am I? 390 00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:58,387 Just kidding again! 391 00:19:58,488 --> 00:20:00,649 That's it. We're totally going to Brazil together! 392 00:20:00,757 --> 00:20:03,385 And I went to my doctor this morning, and he said it is all cleared up, 393 00:20:03,493 --> 00:20:05,120 so I'm good to go. 394 00:20:05,362 --> 00:20:07,330 I think I'm in love with you, Ted. 395 00:20:07,431 --> 00:20:11,959 OLDER TED: In the end, I didn't need to wait three days, but Holli really, really did. 396 00:20:12,769 --> 00:20:15,169 Like a lot of rules, there are times to follow them 397 00:20:15,272 --> 00:20:18,173 and times to not. But I will tell you this. 398 00:20:18,742 --> 00:20:22,303 When I got your mother's number, I called her right away. 399 00:20:27,017 --> 00:20:28,848 - Stan! - Hey, fellas. 400 00:20:29,620 --> 00:20:31,611 - Stan, aren't you working? - Took the night off. 401 00:20:31,722 --> 00:20:33,713 - That's great! We can all hang out! - Yeah! 402 00:20:33,824 --> 00:20:36,987 - I can't. Got a date. You ready, baby? - Yep. 403 00:20:37,761 --> 00:20:38,853 What the... 404 00:20:38,962 --> 00:20:42,693 Wait, wait. Couldn't you guys just stay here and do your date with us? 405 00:20:42,799 --> 00:20:44,494 Yeah, it'll be fun! 406 00:20:44,835 --> 00:20:48,032 Look, I'm laughing! It's fun here! You like magic? 407 00:20:48,538 --> 00:20:51,405 Fellas, it's time we said goodbye. 408 00:20:51,942 --> 00:20:54,035 I mean, we shared a very special afternoon together, 409 00:20:54,144 --> 00:20:58,444 and that's something I will always cherish. I'll never forget you guys. 410 00:20:59,483 --> 00:21:01,974 - Do you even know their names? - No idea. Is the tall one Ted? 411 00:21:02,085 --> 00:21:04,986 - No. That's Marshall. He's married to Lily. - You like chicken wings? 412 00:21:05,088 --> 00:21:06,180 Oh, yeah!