1 00:00:01,174 --> 00:00:03,335 OLDER TED: Kids, Stella Zinman was the girl 2 00:00:03,443 --> 00:00:05,877 I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. 3 00:00:05,979 --> 00:00:09,471 Until she left me at the altar, smashing my heart to smithereens. 4 00:00:09,583 --> 00:00:14,577 So when I ran into her seven months later, there was only one way to deal with her. 5 00:00:14,688 --> 00:00:16,087 Stella! 6 00:00:16,189 --> 00:00:18,384 - Great to see you! - You, too. 7 00:00:19,059 --> 00:00:20,117 And Tony! 8 00:00:20,227 --> 00:00:23,196 - Hey. - Hey! What a nice surprise. 9 00:00:23,296 --> 00:00:24,991 "What a nice surprise"? 10 00:00:25,098 --> 00:00:30,001 No, a nice surprise would be if a safe fell from 40 stories and smushed them both. 11 00:00:30,103 --> 00:00:31,400 I mean, you didn't let them have it? 12 00:00:31,505 --> 00:00:34,906 No, we had a nice friendly chat, then they went their way and I went mine. 13 00:00:35,008 --> 00:00:37,602 Ted, you blew it. He blew it, right? 14 00:00:39,846 --> 00:00:41,438 - Well played, sir. - Bravo. 15 00:00:41,548 --> 00:00:44,176 - What? - You see, Robin, Ted played it cool, 16 00:00:44,284 --> 00:00:46,445 which is exactly what he should have done. 17 00:00:46,553 --> 00:00:49,113 As a matter of fact, I'd say on a scale ranging from... 18 00:00:49,322 --> 00:00:52,052 And I kept this sweater of yours 19 00:00:52,158 --> 00:00:58,154 and sometimes I just sit in the bathtub for hours just, you know, just sniffing it. 20 00:00:58,732 --> 00:00:59,790 ...all the way to... 21 00:01:00,133 --> 00:01:03,159 This is my new fiancée. She's basically Stella, 22 00:01:03,270 --> 00:01:07,603 except she's French and, as you can see, she's got enormous cans. 23 00:01:07,940 --> 00:01:09,567 (SPEAKING FRENCH) 24 00:01:11,477 --> 00:01:13,069 (SPEAKING FRENCH) 25 00:01:15,514 --> 00:01:16,913 (GIGGLES) 26 00:01:17,016 --> 00:01:19,382 I'd say you nailed it. 27 00:01:19,485 --> 00:01:23,046 I'll do you one better. You, sir, got Stella thinking. 28 00:01:23,155 --> 00:01:27,023 "Gosh, Ted seemed so cool today. Did I choose the wrong guy?" 29 00:01:27,626 --> 00:01:30,094 Give it a week, you'll get her back. 30 00:01:30,195 --> 00:01:31,822 And her front. 31 00:01:32,932 --> 00:01:36,026 Did you just feel that? I think we just had a "what up" quake. 32 00:01:37,469 --> 00:01:41,371 I don't want her back. Or her front. I just want to move on. 33 00:01:41,473 --> 00:01:44,636 And this was an important step towards that. To moving on. 34 00:01:45,511 --> 00:01:48,002 OLDER TED: And, you know, I really meant it. 35 00:01:48,113 --> 00:01:51,378 But still, that night, my mind began to wander. 36 00:01:51,584 --> 00:01:53,211 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 37 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:57,486 - I made a terrible mistake. - I know. 38 00:01:57,590 --> 00:02:00,650 - I'm a better person than you are. - You totally are. 39 00:02:00,759 --> 00:02:02,727 Let's get back together and have way more sex than before. 40 00:02:02,828 --> 00:02:03,988 Deal! 41 00:02:06,198 --> 00:02:07,563 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 42 00:02:13,973 --> 00:02:15,270 Hello, Ted. 43 00:02:15,294 --> 00:02:21,294 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 44 00:02:30,723 --> 00:02:32,714 No, come in. It's not weird at all. 45 00:02:32,825 --> 00:02:35,726 Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted, Ted. 46 00:02:37,563 --> 00:02:40,327 I knew it was wrong to steal somebody's fiancée. 47 00:02:40,432 --> 00:02:44,732 I mean, I grappled with it. I was up nights. And not for the good reason. 48 00:02:44,837 --> 00:02:46,930 Well, sometimes for the good reason. 49 00:02:47,039 --> 00:02:49,064 I mean, Stella and I hadn't seen each other in five years, 50 00:02:49,174 --> 00:02:53,201 so, as you can imagine, the beginning, it was just fast and furious. 51 00:02:53,312 --> 00:02:55,143 Lamps breaking, furniture moving. 52 00:02:55,247 --> 00:02:57,306 - You see this bald patch? - Yeah, Tony... 53 00:02:57,416 --> 00:02:59,145 Anyway, we moved on. 54 00:02:59,251 --> 00:03:02,118 Me, Lucy, Stella, we were gonna move to LA. 55 00:03:02,221 --> 00:03:04,314 I was gonna become a screenwriter. 56 00:03:04,423 --> 00:03:08,985 Then we bumped into you, and you just looked so sad. 57 00:03:09,561 --> 00:03:10,993 Sad? No. I... 58 00:03:11,095 --> 00:03:15,088 I think what you're calling sad was actually a jovial nonchalance. 59 00:03:15,199 --> 00:03:16,962 Ted, you looked awful, okay? 60 00:03:17,068 --> 00:03:19,229 Like a little dachshund puppy with a bad back 61 00:03:19,337 --> 00:03:21,271 that's got to pull itself around on a cart. 62 00:03:21,372 --> 00:03:22,430 Why are you here? 63 00:03:22,540 --> 00:03:26,772 Look, Ted, I know I can come across pretty tough, 64 00:03:26,878 --> 00:03:29,676 but I can't bear to have hurt someone the way I hurt you. 65 00:03:29,781 --> 00:03:32,944 I think fate put me on that corner to make this right. 66 00:03:33,051 --> 00:03:37,078 Obviously, I can't fill that giant crater that Stella left in your heart. 67 00:03:37,188 --> 00:03:38,883 I've been dating. Like, a lot. 68 00:03:38,990 --> 00:03:40,287 And then I heard you got fired. 69 00:03:40,391 --> 00:03:43,189 I transitioned into small business ownership. 70 00:03:43,294 --> 00:03:46,354 - It's the backbone of the economy. - No, it's not. 71 00:03:46,464 --> 00:03:48,796 Ted, my family's got a lot of money. 72 00:03:48,900 --> 00:03:52,301 And I want to use that money to make this right with you. 73 00:03:52,503 --> 00:03:54,733 Tony is rich? Oh, Ted. 74 00:03:55,073 --> 00:03:59,237 Oh, Ted, tell me he wrote you a check. 75 00:03:59,510 --> 00:04:03,412 Tell me he wrote you a big, fat check. 76 00:04:03,514 --> 00:04:06,745 A check so big it doesn't take its shirt off when it goes swimming. 77 00:04:07,251 --> 00:04:08,718 That is a big, fat check. 78 00:04:08,820 --> 00:04:12,381 A check so big, if you had sex with it, you wouldn't tell your buddies. 79 00:04:12,490 --> 00:04:14,185 That is a big, fat check. 80 00:04:14,292 --> 00:04:19,252 A check so big that when you sit next to it on an airplane, you find yourself wondering 81 00:04:19,363 --> 00:04:21,024 whether the check should have bought two seats. 82 00:04:21,132 --> 00:04:24,226 - That... - Is a big, fat check! 83 00:04:24,335 --> 00:04:26,462 Yeah! He didn't write me a check. 84 00:04:26,938 --> 00:04:29,236 - Ted, I want to offer you a job. - A job? 85 00:04:29,340 --> 00:04:34,039 Every year, my family gives a lot of money to Columbia University, so I got some pull. 86 00:04:34,145 --> 00:04:36,409 How would you like to design... 87 00:04:36,514 --> 00:04:40,541 OLDER TED: My heart leapt into my throat. A new library? A new student center? 88 00:04:40,651 --> 00:04:44,417 ...your very own curriculum as a professor of architecture. 89 00:04:46,491 --> 00:04:47,480 No, thanks. 90 00:04:47,692 --> 00:04:51,150 What do you mean, "No, thanks"? 91 00:04:51,262 --> 00:04:55,096 Ted, you would be a great professor, okay? 92 00:04:55,199 --> 00:04:58,635 You are knowledgeable, you're a good talker, 93 00:04:58,736 --> 00:05:00,966 and when you need to, 94 00:05:01,072 --> 00:05:03,370 you can grow a very handsome neck beard. 95 00:05:04,208 --> 00:05:05,869 I'm not gonna be a professor. 96 00:05:05,977 --> 00:05:07,171 Teaching architecture is what you do 97 00:05:07,278 --> 00:05:09,906 when your career has totally bottomed out and you need to pay the bills. 98 00:05:10,014 --> 00:05:11,140 (ALL MUTTERING) 99 00:05:11,249 --> 00:05:14,844 Hey, hey, hey! Small business owner. Backbone of the economy. 100 00:05:14,952 --> 00:05:17,886 I'm not gonna take that job, all right? I'm gonna be just fine. 101 00:05:18,889 --> 00:05:20,288 - New topic. - Okay, new topic. 102 00:05:20,390 --> 00:05:23,848 I just got a $200 speeding ticket today. 103 00:05:24,427 --> 00:05:26,952 That sucks, dude. You couldn't talk your way out of it? 104 00:05:27,063 --> 00:05:29,691 - You can't talk your way out of a ticket. - I've done it. 105 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:33,031 It was... What was it? It was 1998. 106 00:05:33,837 --> 00:05:37,034 - So where's the fire? - There's no fire. 107 00:05:39,943 --> 00:05:42,707 Actually, you know, there is a fire at this barbecue I'm headed to. 108 00:05:42,813 --> 00:05:46,408 Nothing special. Burgers, ribs, brats. 109 00:05:46,516 --> 00:05:50,111 Son, do you have any idea how dangerous it is to be... 110 00:05:51,922 --> 00:05:54,356 - Did you say brats? - Yeah, brats. 111 00:05:55,058 --> 00:05:57,720 My mom marinates them in Belgian beer for two days. No big. 112 00:05:57,828 --> 00:06:02,856 Funny thing was, I could've sworn that one of those thick, succulent, 113 00:06:02,966 --> 00:06:05,662 hickory-smoked brats had some writing on it. 114 00:06:05,769 --> 00:06:07,703 Weird. Anyways, what were you saying? 115 00:06:07,804 --> 00:06:10,295 What... What did it say? The brat? 116 00:06:10,974 --> 00:06:15,411 It said, "Property of Minnesota State Trooper Jorgensen." 117 00:06:15,846 --> 00:06:19,782 You a... You a brat man, Officer Jorgensen? 118 00:06:22,886 --> 00:06:24,911 - You going to this address? - Mmm-hmm. 119 00:06:25,021 --> 00:06:28,149 Follow me and lean on the horn. We're gonna be running some reds. 120 00:06:29,826 --> 00:06:34,854 Well, duh. I would've done that, too, if I'd have been going to a barbecue. 121 00:06:34,965 --> 00:06:36,193 Damn, I was. 122 00:06:36,299 --> 00:06:38,096 See, it's all about sizing up your opponent. 123 00:06:38,201 --> 00:06:41,466 I could tell that the officer was a brat man, because, well, he was out of breath 124 00:06:41,571 --> 00:06:46,167 just from walking to my car and he had mustard on his holster. 125 00:06:46,276 --> 00:06:48,176 Marshall Eriksen! 126 00:06:48,278 --> 00:06:51,907 Manipulating an officer of the law with your sausage. 127 00:06:52,015 --> 00:06:53,607 That is very hot. 128 00:06:54,251 --> 00:06:57,220 You think I can't talk my way out of a ticket? 129 00:06:57,320 --> 00:07:01,120 You think I can't talk my way out of a ticket? 130 00:07:01,725 --> 00:07:05,024 I am Barney Stinson, master of manipulation. 131 00:07:05,128 --> 00:07:08,222 If I can talk a stripper into paying me for a lap dance, 132 00:07:08,331 --> 00:07:10,265 I think I can talk my way out of a ticket. 133 00:07:10,367 --> 00:07:12,733 Challenge accep... Wait for it. 134 00:07:15,472 --> 00:07:17,235 What? I don't get it. 135 00:07:19,409 --> 00:07:21,377 Oh, "Ted." "Accep-Ted." 136 00:07:22,145 --> 00:07:23,578 I get it now. 137 00:07:23,747 --> 00:07:24,974 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 138 00:07:26,248 --> 00:07:29,012 - What now? - You want to be an architect? Great. 139 00:07:29,118 --> 00:07:32,212 Guy I went to private school with wants a new house built. 140 00:07:32,321 --> 00:07:33,515 Job's yours if you want it. 141 00:07:33,622 --> 00:07:36,113 Tony, look, I don't need your help. 142 00:07:36,225 --> 00:07:38,420 Here's what he's offering you. 143 00:07:41,563 --> 00:07:44,225 That is a big, fat check. 144 00:07:50,806 --> 00:07:52,171 (POLICE SIREN BLARING) 145 00:07:52,274 --> 00:07:53,605 (LAUGHING) Showtime. 146 00:07:54,810 --> 00:07:56,107 License and registration. 147 00:07:56,211 --> 00:07:58,475 Oh. Of course, Officer. Right away. 148 00:08:03,819 --> 00:08:07,755 Sir, this is a gift certificate for a custom-tailored Italian suit. 149 00:08:07,856 --> 00:08:09,551 So, we done here? 150 00:08:09,858 --> 00:08:12,554 $375! 151 00:08:13,228 --> 00:08:15,719 - And he kept the gift certificate. - Oh, man. 152 00:08:15,831 --> 00:08:18,356 I'm gonna call Emilio and tell him to short-sheet him on the crotch. 153 00:08:18,467 --> 00:08:19,900 You are bad at this, dude. 154 00:08:20,002 --> 00:08:21,765 Whatever, Robin. 155 00:08:22,504 --> 00:08:24,597 Like you've ever talked your way out of a ticket. 156 00:08:24,707 --> 00:08:28,438 Are you kidding me? Robin's a pretty girl. Pretty girls don't get tickets. 157 00:08:28,544 --> 00:08:31,342 I bet Robin's been pulled over tons of times, never once gotten a ticket. 158 00:08:31,447 --> 00:08:33,176 That is outrageous! 159 00:08:33,849 --> 00:08:35,043 And factual. 160 00:08:36,285 --> 00:08:37,843 License and... 161 00:08:37,953 --> 00:08:39,284 (SOBBING) 162 00:08:39,521 --> 00:08:43,457 Oh, honey. Oh, no, no, no, don't cry. 163 00:08:43,559 --> 00:08:45,891 It's okay. No ticket for you. 164 00:08:45,995 --> 00:08:48,486 Just go a little slower next time, okay? 165 00:08:48,597 --> 00:08:50,326 - Uh-huh. Yeah. - Okay. 166 00:08:53,736 --> 00:08:55,226 Thank you. 167 00:08:56,438 --> 00:08:57,769 Yeah! 168 00:08:58,707 --> 00:09:01,870 Excuse me. I think I left something in New Jersey. 169 00:09:03,345 --> 00:09:06,337 Hey! How did your lunch go with the rich guy? 170 00:09:06,448 --> 00:09:08,780 Well, it started off great. 171 00:09:09,485 --> 00:09:13,751 I want to design a house that celebrates the landscape without overpowering it. 172 00:09:13,856 --> 00:09:17,223 You know, when Frank Lloyd Wright designed Fallingwater in 1935, there's... 173 00:09:17,326 --> 00:09:20,523 Yes, yes, that's all fine. I'm sure you'll do a great job. 174 00:09:20,629 --> 00:09:22,688 What I'm really worried about is the basement. 175 00:09:22,798 --> 00:09:26,199 - Specifically, the laundry room. - The laundry room? 176 00:09:26,301 --> 00:09:29,793 I require a laundry room of 15 feet by 15 feet, 177 00:09:29,905 --> 00:09:33,499 stain-proof ceramic tile from floor to ceiling. 178 00:09:33,608 --> 00:09:38,136 I'm a man who likes to do his own laundry, and sometimes, it gets messy. 179 00:09:38,613 --> 00:09:40,444 - Messy? - Messy. 180 00:09:41,149 --> 00:09:45,313 Steel chains will dangle from the ceiling at a height of 9 feet. 181 00:09:45,420 --> 00:09:50,551 And that is where my laundry bags will hang for three days and three nights 182 00:09:50,658 --> 00:09:53,183 before I clean them. 183 00:09:55,063 --> 00:09:58,555 Ted, it... It kind of sounds like what this guy is asking you to design... 184 00:09:58,666 --> 00:10:01,499 - It's a murder house. - It is. It's totally a murder house. 185 00:10:02,036 --> 00:10:05,494 You know, as a martial artist, I'm trained to trust my instincts, 186 00:10:05,606 --> 00:10:09,542 and my instincts are saying this feels very good. 187 00:10:11,245 --> 00:10:12,872 The steak is so rare. 188 00:10:15,149 --> 00:10:17,117 Right? Right? 189 00:10:17,785 --> 00:10:20,948 One final concern, soundproofing. 190 00:10:21,589 --> 00:10:24,888 I tend to make a lot of racket when I launder. 191 00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:27,051 I'll show you what I mean. 192 00:10:27,161 --> 00:10:31,359 I'm gonna go to my laundry room, and you tell me if you can hear me. 193 00:10:35,703 --> 00:10:38,536 Tony, does something feel off about this guy? 194 00:10:38,639 --> 00:10:39,867 Yeah. 195 00:10:39,974 --> 00:10:42,841 Off the hook! Bro, you are nailing this. 196 00:10:44,045 --> 00:10:45,205 (MACHINE BUZZING) 197 00:10:45,313 --> 00:10:46,405 (MANIACAL LAUGHTER) 198 00:10:46,514 --> 00:10:47,845 Ted, you can't design a murder house! 199 00:10:47,949 --> 00:10:49,075 I'm not gonna design a murder house. 200 00:10:49,183 --> 00:10:52,448 - Ted, you can't design a murder house! - I'm not gonna design a murder house! 201 00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:57,053 (SIREN BLARES) 202 00:10:57,391 --> 00:10:58,756 Bring it. 203 00:10:59,627 --> 00:11:03,028 Officer, please, my wife is about to have a baby! Her water just broke! 204 00:11:03,131 --> 00:11:04,758 Where's your wife? 205 00:11:05,099 --> 00:11:09,160 She took the other car. This is Italian leather, so... 206 00:11:09,270 --> 00:11:11,261 I... Come... 207 00:11:13,207 --> 00:11:15,198 I'm sorry about that murder house thing. 208 00:11:15,309 --> 00:11:18,540 That was my bad. That's on me. So, new plan. 209 00:11:19,113 --> 00:11:24,745 You, my friend, are gonna build the Statue of Liberty a husband. 210 00:11:24,852 --> 00:11:26,581 Now, I got some suction down at City Hall. 211 00:11:26,687 --> 00:11:28,154 Tony, stop it! 212 00:11:28,256 --> 00:11:30,588 I don't want your help, okay? You don't have to do this. 213 00:11:30,691 --> 00:11:32,124 - Yes, I do. - Why? 214 00:11:32,226 --> 00:11:33,716 Because. 215 00:11:35,530 --> 00:11:39,192 When you were with Stella, I know how much I missed her. 216 00:11:39,299 --> 00:11:41,096 I can only imagine you feel the same way. 217 00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:42,258 (LAUGHS) 218 00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:45,600 Okay, well, let me put your mind at ease. 219 00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:50,834 I don't want Stella back, okay? She lied to me and left me at the altar. 220 00:11:50,944 --> 00:11:54,573 What kind of person does that? I'm better off without her. 221 00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:56,815 She's all yours, buddy. 222 00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:02,684 There you go. Load off my mind. 223 00:12:03,790 --> 00:12:05,519 OLDER TED: And that was it. Tony left, 224 00:12:05,625 --> 00:12:08,321 and I began to put this whole business far behind me. 225 00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:09,656 Or so I thought. 226 00:12:09,763 --> 00:12:10,991 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 227 00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:13,659 Stella. 228 00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:16,098 Tony broke up with me. 229 00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:25,343 Wow. Okay, Tony broke up with you? 230 00:12:25,712 --> 00:12:28,044 He said it was because of something you said. 231 00:12:28,148 --> 00:12:30,378 You got Tony to dump Stella? 232 00:12:30,483 --> 00:12:34,613 I am very sorry, but I'm going to have to insist that you bump this. 233 00:12:36,056 --> 00:12:38,547 Let's... Let's talk out in the hall. 234 00:12:39,226 --> 00:12:40,784 I'll be waiting. 235 00:12:42,796 --> 00:12:45,629 So, why are you here? 236 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:52,064 Look, Ted, this is about seven months too late, but here goes. 237 00:12:53,673 --> 00:12:56,642 I've been in love with Tony since high school. 238 00:12:56,743 --> 00:12:57,869 We dated for a long time, 239 00:12:57,978 --> 00:13:01,812 but then I got pregnant, and I guess for two 19-year-olds, 240 00:13:01,915 --> 00:13:04,884 it was just too much to handle, so we broke up. 241 00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:08,614 And for a long time, I just focused on being a mother. 242 00:13:08,722 --> 00:13:11,190 I forgot about Tony. I forgot about 243 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:14,692 the very idea of being in love. 244 00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,363 And then you came along and reminded me. 245 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:20,558 And I loved you for that. 246 00:13:22,769 --> 00:13:28,002 I loved you so much, in fact, that it was just shy of enough. 247 00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:33,075 But I never stopped loving Tony. 248 00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:36,813 Take him back, honey. He's sorry. 249 00:13:37,284 --> 00:13:39,878 No, that's... That's not... That's not what's happening. 250 00:13:39,986 --> 00:13:42,352 Just go back inside, Mrs. Matsen. 251 00:13:44,256 --> 00:13:45,484 (DOOR CLOSES) 252 00:13:46,392 --> 00:13:48,292 It was good seeing you, Stella. 253 00:13:48,394 --> 00:13:50,157 Can you talk to Tony? 254 00:13:52,631 --> 00:13:54,861 - What? - He'd listen to you. 255 00:13:54,967 --> 00:13:57,299 I mean, you changed his mind. You could change it back. 256 00:13:57,403 --> 00:14:01,169 - I know it's an awful thing to ask... - Yeah, it's an awful thing to ask. 257 00:14:01,273 --> 00:14:04,606 Well, I don't know what else to do, okay? I love him. 258 00:14:05,311 --> 00:14:09,680 Oh, you love him. So, what? You're... You're appealing to the romantic in me? 259 00:14:09,782 --> 00:14:11,409 Is that your strategy? 260 00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:15,248 Because that guy's gone. You can't pull those strings anymore. 261 00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:18,414 They're not attached to anything, thanks to you. 262 00:14:18,757 --> 00:14:20,486 Go ahead, honey, kiss him. 263 00:14:20,592 --> 00:14:23,720 - Go inside, Mrs. Matsen! - Mrs. Matsen, go inside! 264 00:14:23,896 --> 00:14:24,863 (DOOR CLOSES) 265 00:14:25,297 --> 00:14:28,027 Okay, you can do this. You can do this! 266 00:14:29,001 --> 00:14:31,060 Oh, you can do this. 267 00:14:32,237 --> 00:14:34,501 - License and... - License and registration. 268 00:14:34,606 --> 00:14:36,005 Excuse me? 269 00:14:36,108 --> 00:14:39,635 I can only assume you need a license to have a face that beautiful. 270 00:14:39,745 --> 00:14:41,303 And that body? 271 00:14:41,413 --> 00:14:44,177 I'm guessing something that explosive has to be registered 272 00:14:44,283 --> 00:14:46,478 with the proper authorities. 273 00:14:47,186 --> 00:14:50,781 - Get out of the car. - Why? Am I under arrest? 274 00:14:50,889 --> 00:14:52,083 No. 275 00:14:55,661 --> 00:14:57,993 But you're about to be under me. 276 00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:03,728 No. False. Did not happen. 277 00:15:03,836 --> 00:15:06,566 That's a line from a porno. I've seen that porno. 278 00:15:06,672 --> 00:15:08,833 Hell, I've made that porno. 279 00:15:09,441 --> 00:15:11,033 When will you guys realize that the only difference 280 00:15:11,143 --> 00:15:14,306 between my real life and a porno is my real life has better lighting? 281 00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:17,348 - You're lying. - I am not lying! 282 00:15:17,449 --> 00:15:19,644 I swear on my mother. 283 00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:21,947 I swear on Goliath National Bank. 284 00:15:22,054 --> 00:15:23,749 I swear on my suits. 285 00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:27,724 I am not lying. 286 00:15:27,826 --> 00:15:30,317 OLDER TED: He was lying. Here's what really happened. 287 00:15:30,629 --> 00:15:32,324 Go ahead, honey, kiss him. 288 00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:35,559 - Go inside, Mrs. Matsen! - Mrs. Matsen, go inside! 289 00:15:36,235 --> 00:15:37,395 (DOOR CLOSES) 290 00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:39,828 Is there anything I can do to make this better? 291 00:15:39,938 --> 00:15:40,927 No. 292 00:15:42,975 --> 00:15:44,704 (MUSICAL RING PLA YING ON CELL PHONE) 293 00:15:46,545 --> 00:15:48,103 - Hello. - Ted, it's me! It's Barney. 294 00:15:48,213 --> 00:15:49,770 It's me! I need your help and I'm in big trouble! 295 00:15:49,881 --> 00:15:51,906 Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. What happened? 296 00:15:53,284 --> 00:15:55,844 I'm guessing something that explosive has to be registered 297 00:15:55,953 --> 00:15:58,148 with the proper authorities. 298 00:15:58,623 --> 00:16:01,649 - Get out of the car. - Why? Am I under arrest? 299 00:16:01,759 --> 00:16:03,420 Yes, you are. I ran your plates. 300 00:16:03,528 --> 00:16:07,726 You've had 15 moving violations in the last three days. Get out of the car. 301 00:16:07,832 --> 00:16:11,563 But, no, my wife's having a baby! I have a sausage with your name on it! 302 00:16:11,669 --> 00:16:12,658 Out of the car now! 303 00:16:12,770 --> 00:16:13,737 (SHRIEKS) 304 00:16:13,871 --> 00:16:17,466 I need you to come to Brazzaville, New Jersey and bail me out. 305 00:16:17,842 --> 00:16:19,241 I'm kind of in the middle of something. 306 00:16:19,444 --> 00:16:22,208 Hurry, Ted. You have no idea of the kind of the hardened criminals 307 00:16:22,313 --> 00:16:23,871 they've got me in here with. 308 00:16:23,981 --> 00:16:26,541 Are we gonna get our spray paint back? 309 00:16:27,185 --> 00:16:28,743 (WHIMPERING) Save me, Ted! 310 00:16:30,521 --> 00:16:33,854 You want to do something for me? I need a ride to New Jersey. 311 00:16:33,958 --> 00:16:36,756 Okay. You'll pay for tolls, right? 312 00:16:37,829 --> 00:16:39,194 I'm kidding. 313 00:16:40,698 --> 00:16:43,326 OLDER TED: So Stella and I drove all the way out to New Jersey, 314 00:16:43,434 --> 00:16:46,870 bailed your Uncle Barney out of jail and drove all the way home. 315 00:16:46,971 --> 00:16:48,632 Oh, by the way, Ted, how's that girl you've been seeing? 316 00:16:48,739 --> 00:16:52,266 That super hot French chick with the big enormous boobs? 317 00:16:52,376 --> 00:16:55,573 Oh, you mean Claudette? Yeah, she's... She's fine. 318 00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:59,343 Man, she's the hottest girl you have ever been with, Ted. 319 00:16:59,450 --> 00:17:01,475 Ever! Bye, Stella. 320 00:17:02,487 --> 00:17:03,511 Bye. 321 00:17:06,657 --> 00:17:10,320 Ted, I'm so sorry again about everything. 322 00:17:11,762 --> 00:17:14,390 - For what it's worth... - I'll talk to Tony. 323 00:17:14,499 --> 00:17:15,693 Really? 324 00:17:15,967 --> 00:17:19,664 I want you to be happy, Stella. I'll talk to him. 325 00:17:20,438 --> 00:17:21,996 OLDER TED: And I did. 326 00:17:22,106 --> 00:17:25,166 I don't remember what I said to him, but I guess I changed his mind, 327 00:17:25,276 --> 00:17:29,713 because the next day, they flew to California. 328 00:17:30,348 --> 00:17:33,146 Stella set up a new dermatology practice. 329 00:17:33,251 --> 00:17:36,778 And against all odds, Tony found some success as a screenwriter. 330 00:17:36,888 --> 00:17:40,051 His movie, The Wedding Bride, was a big hit. 331 00:17:40,157 --> 00:17:41,522 But we'll get to that later. 332 00:17:41,626 --> 00:17:44,527 Okay, but just tell me this. Why Tony? 333 00:17:45,062 --> 00:17:47,792 I mean, is it the money, the kung fu pajamas? 334 00:17:47,899 --> 00:17:49,366 Like, what... What is it? 335 00:17:49,467 --> 00:17:50,866 (LAUGHS) 336 00:17:51,002 --> 00:17:52,435 He's the one. 337 00:17:54,872 --> 00:17:56,066 The one. 338 00:17:56,406 --> 00:17:59,398 Yeah, I know it's kind of sappy, but, yeah. 339 00:18:03,914 --> 00:18:05,472 Okay, I'm gonna say something out loud 340 00:18:05,582 --> 00:18:09,780 that I've been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. 341 00:18:11,054 --> 00:18:13,022 What you and Tony have, 342 00:18:13,657 --> 00:18:16,558 what I thought for a second you and I had, 343 00:18:17,294 --> 00:18:20,161 what I know that Marshall and Lily have, 344 00:18:22,198 --> 00:18:25,133 I want that. I do. 345 00:18:26,670 --> 00:18:30,834 I keep waiting for it to happen and waiting for it to happen, and... 346 00:18:32,175 --> 00:18:34,006 I guess I'm just... 347 00:18:35,345 --> 00:18:37,108 I'm tired of waiting. 348 00:18:39,249 --> 00:18:42,582 And that is all I'm going to say on that subject. 349 00:18:48,358 --> 00:18:50,553 You know, I once talked my way out of a speeding ticket. 350 00:18:50,660 --> 00:18:51,854 Really? 351 00:18:52,195 --> 00:18:53,457 I was heading upstate to my parents' house 352 00:18:53,563 --> 00:18:56,760 doing, like, 90 on this country road, and I got pulled over. 353 00:18:56,866 --> 00:18:58,993 So this cop gets out of his car. 354 00:18:59,102 --> 00:19:01,297 He kind of swaggers on over and he's, like, 355 00:19:01,404 --> 00:19:04,567 "Young lady, I have been waiting for you all day." 356 00:19:05,475 --> 00:19:08,239 So I looked up at him and I said, "I'm so sorry, Officer. 357 00:19:08,345 --> 00:19:10,438 "I got here as fast as I could." 358 00:19:10,547 --> 00:19:12,412 (CHUCKLES) For real? 359 00:19:13,416 --> 00:19:15,384 No. It's an old joke. 360 00:19:19,022 --> 00:19:21,513 I know that you're tired of waiting, 361 00:19:22,225 --> 00:19:24,853 and you may have to wait a little while more, 362 00:19:24,961 --> 00:19:27,759 but she's on her way, Ted. 363 00:19:29,966 --> 00:19:33,402 And she's getting here as fast as she can. 364 00:19:43,113 --> 00:19:44,580 Bye, Stella. 365 00:19:45,448 --> 00:19:47,006 Goodbye, Ted. 366 00:19:48,818 --> 00:19:50,809 (SOMBER POPMUSIC PLA YING) 367 00:20:17,946 --> 00:20:20,881 She tracked me down two days later using a phone book. 368 00:20:20,983 --> 00:20:24,749 And that's the last time I wrote my name in my undergarments. 369 00:20:25,721 --> 00:20:26,710 Hey. 370 00:20:26,822 --> 00:20:28,619 - Hey, Lily! - Lily! 371 00:20:28,724 --> 00:20:29,850 You're back! 372 00:20:29,958 --> 00:20:33,860 Barney, when you told me that peanut butter and jam joke, 373 00:20:33,962 --> 00:20:36,362 I was completely disgusted. 374 00:20:36,465 --> 00:20:39,400 But I was in the shower this morning and it popped into my head 375 00:20:39,501 --> 00:20:43,961 and it actually made me laugh. Peanut butter. 376 00:20:44,073 --> 00:20:47,304 So I can see now how I may have overreacted. 377 00:20:47,409 --> 00:20:49,377 Marshall's words, not mine. 378 00:20:49,478 --> 00:20:52,970 - Well, it's good to see you again, Lily. - Thanks. 379 00:20:53,082 --> 00:20:54,310 So what have you been up to? 380 00:20:54,416 --> 00:20:57,544 I'm going to an amnesia ward with a bunch of photos of my "children" 381 00:20:57,653 --> 00:20:58,745 and a wedding ring. 382 00:20:58,854 --> 00:21:02,119 I'm gonna find the hottest patient/my wife, and we are going... 383 00:21:02,224 --> 00:21:05,819 Okay, so that's good enough for tonight. I gotta ease back into this. 384 00:21:05,928 --> 00:21:07,486 See you tomorrow!